October 4, 2025 • 34 mins
Comedian Kenny Sebastian gets real about fatherhood, emotional dads, and the struggles of modern parenting in this episode of Love Matters with Leeza Mangaldas. From his own relationship to his parents to the invisible “dad guilt” that many fathers feel, Kenny shares candid stories about raising a child, supporting his partner, and unlearning traditional ideas of masculinity. Discover why trying to be the “cool dad” can backfire, Kenny’s surprisingly effective trick to get a baby to sleep, and the parenting advice he wishes someone had given him. Honest, hilarious, and heartfelt, this conversation is a must-watch for dads, parents-to-be, and anyone curious about the realities of modern fatherhood.
Leeza Mangaldas' Instagram
Youtube
Kenny Sebastian's Instagram
Youtube
CREDITS:
Produced by:
Patricia Szilagyi (DW)
Khyati Rajvanshi (IE)
Researcher & Editor
Sana Rizvi (DW)
Video Editor:
Meetesh Dixit (IE)
Project Manager:
Patricia Szilagyi (DW)
Executive Producer:
Melanie von Marschalck (DW)
Anant Nath Sharma (IE)
Love Matters with Leeza Mangaldas is an initiative by DW, Germany’s international broadcaster. It is produced by DW and The Indian Express.
Learn more about DW:
https://www.dw.com
Leeza Mangaldas' Instagram
Youtube
Kenny Sebastian's Instagram
Youtube
CREDITS:
Produced by:
Patricia Szilagyi (DW)
Khyati Rajvanshi (IE)
Researcher & Editor
Sana Rizvi (DW)
Video Editor:
Meetesh Dixit (IE)
Project Manager:
Patricia Szilagyi (DW)
Executive Producer:
Melanie von Marschalck (DW)
Anant Nath Sharma (IE)
Love Matters with Leeza Mangaldas is an initiative by DW, Germany’s international broadcaster. It is produced by DW and The Indian Express.
Learn more about DW:
https://www.dw.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
To be left out.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Yeah, like you just feel like can I do something?
Speaker 3 (00:03):
It's there's not much Like if I try to feed Emily,
she's a actress.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Is blame?
Speaker 4 (00:09):
You love your child? Of course you wouldn't have it
any other way. Sure, but it can still be really hard.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Our parents are just like, it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Now, it's a blessing.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
And then you feel litly bitrayed because you don't feel
like that. People say it's an adjustment. It's not an adjustment.
It's a new life. An adjustment means you're doing certain
things and a new thing comes and you're like, oh,
that's not worth being apparent? Is that life is gone?
Now it's a new life. It's you, your wife and
your kid. And it's not a bad thing. It's just
(00:43):
a new life.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
What advice do you have for new parents that you
wish someone had told.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
You You're never going to be ready. There's no right time,
and this is your idea. She can't blame anyone else.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Okay, hey Kenny, welcome to love match.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I love the I love the enthusiasm and the warmth
I have felt as I've entered into this space, So
thank you. I'm being serious and I'm serious. That's the
problem in a comedian. People think I'm joking. But it's
already pretty fun. And I feel like I know you
for a long time, even the second meeting.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
I know. But Kenny, it's been an important time. You
have big changes. You You are now a father, a father.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Can I call you daddy? Okay, that was just low hanging.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I'm sorry, Tracy, I am a daddy.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Now I'm daddy.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
I'm a father.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
To be honest, I've always been like daddy is always like.
I've always been the annoying, telling my roommates what to do,
telling my friends to invest, telling my my dad now
to be more careful and conscious. So I've always kind
of had this uncle vibe and also just a vibe,
and I've worked on it in therapy also because it
(02:03):
kind of created havoc in my relationships. But now I'm
actually the like now my skill set is aligned. Yes,
it's finally paying off. So it's been awesome. I couldn't
be more lucky to have a daughter, because Trason, I've
prayed for a girl.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Happy for you.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
So she's ten months now, so ten months as we speak. Somedady,
she's going to see this, So I got to be
in my best baby.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
That's so sweet, that's so precious. What's her name?
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Her name is Emily? Emily Yeah, old school.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Name, adorable. Thanks for sharing that. How how's the sleeping?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So, to be fair, my wife is taken there.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
Fall we were doing this whole staying up at night together,
and then we both were tired in the morning. And
then Tracy was just like, we both can't be tired
in the morning. You do the mornings and I'll do
the nights.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
To be sleep separately.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Now because it's also slayer kind of Emily, sleep is
still very bad. She gets a good night a lot
her night feeds us alone. So long story short, I'm
sleeping fine.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Well.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
That brings me to the topic of our episode today,
which I believe is what daddy over here I wanted
to talk about.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Daddy guilt.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Daddy guilt, daddy guilt.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
How does it feel to have a good night's sleep
while your wife has to wake up every five minutes?
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Right now, I'm feeling the guilt where I can afford to,
like work, I'm entechling. This is work, and while my
wife is with Emily. So anytime I step out of
the house and I'm not with Emily a trace can
it kind of kicks in, but.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I'm so sorry, No, no, it's fine, No, no, I.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
Mean it's because of Trace I can do this. So
but Tercey and I have spoken about it, and she's like,
trust me when Emily is not as small and she's big,
and then the parents kind of like they kind of
meld into one.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
She's like, You're going to do most of it.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
So I'm I'm actually looking for it to the point
where I can contribute more. Right now, Emily is so
small that you know, at night especially, she does not
want anybody else.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
You just want some mom.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
I'm talking about the dads as well, and I'm asked them,
how how do you go through dad guilt? I think
it's a nice, unfortunately late conversation that we have recognized
that dads are also a very integral part of raising
the kid, and the guilt.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Is also such a new thing.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Right Sadly, I'm not judging parents who couldn't be there
because of financial reasons, because you know, both couldn't work.
But now I think I'm very privileged, like Tercay and
I are in a good financial situation, so I can
actually do both. I can work and be with Emily.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
And Tracy's also a dentist, and so we we spoke
about the dad guilt because it kept coming up. And
then Racy was like, you you seem very.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
Affected, and I was like, yeah, you know, you want
to help, but there's not much you can do. So
then again another parent gave me great advice or just
just take care of the mom.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
That's your job right now. So I make sure.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Tracy is fine, and let's see you check upon me
in two years on the dad guilt.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
But you know, even pregnancy, it is a thing that
both people are going through, and then the you know,
parenting all of it, like the dad being some sort
of like financial contributor at most to the upbringing of
a child is like such a limited and it's not fair.
It's actually so limiting both to the dad and the kid,
Like there's so much to gain from a present father, right,
(05:39):
And luckily we go to therapy and we have the
economic privilege and stuff to actually change that.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
So I kind of feel like all the problems we
have is mostly to do with lack of emotional connection
with dads and the over emotional connection moms have. It's
like it's cure on both kind of. I'm just talking
about Indian families.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Where the moms sons, in particular.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Sons and even daughters.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I think the moms get so much connection from the
kids that the dad's kind of non existent and the
vice of us aware dads are so emotionally dead and
malnourished that they just easily fall into the financial thing
of like, well, I provided financially, but they're also emotionally
dead kids also yearning for it. So I feel like
(06:26):
we have kind of grown, but now we have double
problems of like how do you manage a healthy, equal
relationship but also how do you respect traditional rules that
are there for a reason where a baby needs a
mom for a certain thing and the baby needs the
dad for a certain thing. So when you said that,
my brain was just exploding.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
It's like it's a lot.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
Yeah, I bet, I bet parenting is a lot, and
I think there isn't one right way to do it,
like perfection is not attainable, but we can at least
do our best right.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
It's the intention.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
It's the intention.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
The parts can feel like hey, I'm just trying to help.
Sorry if I messed up, but you know the intention.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Is to exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
So what are some of the things you think when
you said you know the child needs the mom for
certain things and the dad for certain things, what do
you think the child needs the dad for.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
What sort of dad do you hope to.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Be as of now? Absolutely nothing.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
I think she's just ten months, so I think I
could answer this question better when Emily's bigger. But from
what I've seen so far, with ten months, it's ninety
percent mom. It's the nursing, it's the soothing, it's the
I mean, they're almost like one entity. When you separate them,
(07:41):
you can see the pain they both go through. But
ever since, like from six months to ten, I could
see that. I think I just give Tracy a break
when I'm with Emily. It's just if it gets also
a nadia that make you feel guilty of the mom,
like why is the baby not with you right now? Like, dude,
I'm having lunch for ten minutes. So I think just
(08:03):
her getting an emotional break of not being with Emily
for just maybe an hour, that's something I provide and Emily.
I'm also reading about it that oxytocin is releasing moms
when they're nursing the baby and then the here of
the baby and when they're playing with the dads is
when oxytocin released for both parties. So like so babies
(08:24):
actually associate dad with play. So as of now, I
have the best part of just like playing with Emily,
and I think I think also I'm good with boundaries,
Like if Emily's crawling and she starts crying to be
picked up, that's also not true, like I could pick
up Emily immediately when she's uncomfortable, but certain discipline stuff,
(08:47):
I think it's so hard on the mom to like
hear the baby cry or be uncomfortable. I think the
dad's kind of come in with the tough love of no, no.
She has to be a little uncomfortable. It's okay, she
has to learn this again. I just feel right now
I think I'm contributing much. Maybe from the family perspective.
I think it's easier for me to be positive and
(09:09):
calma because I'm not so tired and I can kind
of see the big picture. But like in the trenches, yeah,
so I can give her that shoulder off.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
It's okay.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
I guess ten months is just like it's it's it's
just so new everything.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
I love when you.
Speaker 4 (09:28):
Didn't love when you said that there's there one entity
I understand literally came out of a body.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
You just they're just having this amazing party.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
We left out.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, like you just feel like, can I do something?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
It's there's not much Like if I try to feed Emily,
she's likes blame.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
But you know, fathers and daughters have such a special bonds.
I have such a special bond with my dad, and
so I'm sure that Liken, you have no idea what
you're in for, and she's going to cause so much
trouble for you, because no, I caused no trouble for
my dad.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
In your team an angel, but in your teenagers, that's
what I hear, that they're like the teenagers I was.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
I really doated on my dad and him on me.
But I guess that you're protective of your daughter, right,
and then it maybe it's difficult to see her with
her first boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
I don't know, you know, no one's ever good enough
for him.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Oh that's okay, that's okay. Parents have unattainable standards.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Somebody should have standards.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
You have the standards Okay, Kenny, Emily deserves the best.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Okay, I mean I think if Emily Game is some guy,
I was like, really, this guy, The problem is not
the guy.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
I'm like this.
Speaker 4 (10:42):
Yeah, that's the reaction every single guy ever has gotten,
even though they're pretty nice.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Guy.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
No one's good enough for my dad. Nobody think anyone
will ever be good enough for my.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Dad is a problem, but.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
Neither Yeah, no one's ever good enough Anyway, This show
is not about me. I love my parents, and I'm
glad they have standards. Honestly, sometimes my judgment has been lacking.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
In the common section.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Be like, Lisa, please elaborate when has your judgment been lacking?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Okay, we're doing this little thing called no overthinking.
Speaker 4 (11:25):
It's basically like fill in the blank, but you don't
just say what comes to mind immediately. Okay, let's do
so no overthinking daddy. Addition, the best thing about becoming
a father is.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Waking up and you know that you got You can
play with your daughter like it's because usually you thinking
like what's going to be the fun part of my day?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
I know what the fun part of my day is. Yeah,
I can just hang on.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
With her the most annoying thing about becoming a father is.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
That we only talk about parenting.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah, we can talk about something else if you.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
No, No, that's fine now My like Jayson, I used
to talk about like really fun and dumb stuff as well,
but not like everything is like a heavy conversation.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Okay, it's still so new. The most important thing a
dad needs.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Is I think the wife to understand that everybody contributes differently.
It's kind of like a losing game and you're like,
I'm doing this this much and you're only doing this much.
I think in the beginning of the relationship we kind
of established that there are going to be a lot
of things I do which is going to be invisible
or I have done in the past, Hence we enjoy
(12:33):
this today, and vice versa, where you have worked on
yourself to be so mature and emostly stable, Hence I'm
enjoying a wonderful wife. So yeah, I think understanding the wife.
I think understanding that the dad's also contributing in whatever
way does not be perfect is good enough.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Okay. The best trick to get your kid to sleep is.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Such of all the lights, was all the curtains in
Britain like you're dead, and she was like, okay, I
guess I have to sleep now.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
We all just like stop being fun. We just like works,
it works.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
It works, okay, thank you. The thing I wish I
knew before becoming a dad.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Is, you know, people say it's an adjustment. It's not
an adjustment, it's a new life. I would just tell
new parents that, Kevin Wick. It is not an adjustment.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
Means you're doing certain things and a new thing comes
and you're like, oh, that's not worth being apparent.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Is that life is gone Now it's a new life.
It's you, your wife and your kid. And it's not
a bad thing. It's just a new life. It's kind
of like you had two legs and sutainly now have
three legs. You wouldn't be like it's an adjustment. It's like, no,
now I have three legs. It's it's a new way
of walking.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
That's really beautifully put can.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
Okay, yeah, you know, I think real to I think
that it's very difficult to be honest about the fact
that parenting's not all fun and games and easy and amazing. Right,
Especially women are like never allowed to say they don't
love being moms. Personally, I'm very invested in like honest
depictions of parenting. Because you love your child, of course
(14:18):
you wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, but it
can still be really hard, right, and we're like not
allowed to publicly acknowledge this is hard.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Especially more like, I think Tracy Well felt very guilty
if she complained that this is hard.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Then she used to pause and be like, but I'm
very grateful that I can have a baby. I think
it's okay.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
It's just that, I think in our culture, especially when
you say something negative, people assume that you're saying the
whole thing is negative exactly, instead of you just pointing
out like, hey, I like dinner, I didn't like the dessert.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
It's okay for didn't like the desert. You're not saying
you hated the whole meal.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
So we I think what you just said is so
true because all my friends were babies, completely honest with us,
so that mentally prepared us. They said, it's going to
be very hard. Uh, it's going to be very tiring.
It's not going to be easy. You're going to feel overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
But you know, our parents are just like, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
It's a blessing, and then you feel really betrayed because
you don't feel like that. But we didn't feel betrayed.
We were like, I think we overestimated how hard it was,
and when it happened, we were like, oh, this is manageable.
We have the skills to me.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
All your friends had gone to therapy. Everyone was brutally
honest about parentings. Have you got the like, yeah, I
think the correction is it.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
I think millennials are just I won't even say, oh, correction,
They're just honest. They're like, hey, this is what we
went through, just so you know, and that that is
such a gift we had because then when we got
checked in to the hospital during the delivery, Tercy and
I knew this is going to be physically daunting. So
(15:58):
then I knew that I need to support her and
be and she knew that she has to like brace
with all her strength. And then when we knew the
breastfeeding the first few months is very difficult, so we
were not shocked that it was difficult. We knew that
it's a huge thing to have a newborn. So I
took off from work. I planned this a year ago
that I'm going to work for the first four months.
(16:20):
Then it became eight months.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Wow, I'm so glad to hear that.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Yeah, But because my friends warned me, it was not
like a discussion like should I shouldn't know?
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I was like, no, I'm just off And because of that,
it was so easy because we were all home.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
But also, if you can, if you do have the
time and resources, planning it, like that is a nice
thing to do.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
I mean, I thought I had the resources, and and
now I'm back to work slowly, and I realized that, Okay,
it's expensive. It's expensive, and it was risky to be
off work for so long, so now I have to
like re establish some connections and stuff. But I have
no regrets ten years from now. Even Tracy and I
were talking. She was like, you know, I miss going
to the clinic being a dentist. And I said, Trace,
(17:03):
I also like have that guilt of like I should
be working and earning saving for the family. But I'm like,
in ten years, do you think you and I will
be like, man, I really regret when Emily was like
a year old, we didn't work as much.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Right, We're never going to say that.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
She's like, that's true, So that really helps me with
the guilt that I'm never going to regret spending time
with your.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
First baby, at least maybe second baby. You'll igno.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Kidding, what was your relationship with your dad?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Like, So it's funny. Even my new stand up is
about family. But I had to flip it because the
usual gender dynamic is that dance are the more masculine,
guarded ones and moms are the more emotional, caring ones.
But it is flipped for me. My mom's very like
(17:55):
guarded and very fundamental like person and my dad's very
emotional and very caring and very soft. So that messed
me up because my dynamics I kind of flipped traditional dynamics.
So whenever I dated, I kind of dated someone like
my mom, and I was not very happy.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I was like, I don't feel a lot of warm there.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Then I realized like I was kind of like used
to like the female figure in my life being very
stoic and product type, and I have very high standards
for my male friends. Like if my male friends are
not being soft or emotional, I was like, what the
hell is this? You know, like, why aren't you being
open and warm and kind? So now after therapy and
(18:40):
working on myself. I've kind of evened it out now
I accept I expect softness and emotional warm from both genders.
So my dad has been exceptionally like there and caring
and present and supportive. My dad told me the story
like in carolb. Back in the day, they used to
(19:01):
like make fun of him for like carrying me, because
like dads are not meant to be involved with their child.
And my dad used to tell me, are people something
fun of me? That is to carry you around and
stuff like you give it to the mom now, not
like my mom and carrying me. My mom's like if
you meet my mom, she's like, she's like, no nonsense.
She's like, have you eaten? Are you sick? Have you slept?
(19:24):
Are you doing okay?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Fine?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
And she's gone her dad like, how's your day, what's happening,
how's your friend doing? So it's an interesting flip.
Speaker 4 (19:33):
That's so lovely to hear you speak of your relationship
with your father in this way is so lovely because
so many Indian men have a lot of friction with
their father. That's like a cliche, is right, And I
really do think that fathers and sons or just in
general the raising of male children that tends to be
(19:57):
this like negation of any emotion other than anger. Don't cry,
don't So we actually have another little game we wanted.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
To play with you.
Speaker 4 (20:05):
Since you are post therapy and now post Emily Kenny,
we thought you might want to upgrade some of the
typical like dad responses.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Oh okay, wow, so that's.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
That'll be funer. Yeah, yeah, let's upgrade some dad responses.
So these are traditional dadlines, and we want you to
rewrite them with your take.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Stop crying becomes what.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Oh oh, that's nice. Okay, I'm going to give a
little more context.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Maybe we're at the playground and Emily's falling down and
she gets it, but I mean, you don't girls stop crying.
I imagine have a son. He falls down and he
starts crying, and I'm like, hey, Budie, what happened. He's like,
it hurts. I'm like, yeah, it hurts. It makes sense,
but feel the pain. But I think you can get
(20:55):
over this, and we can you can continue with the
game because I think it's not as bad as you think.
Then he pauses, he said, but it still hurts. I'm
gonna get it. I think it's fine, you're not bleeding anymore.
So basically, stop crying has become one paragraph conversation, and
that's how it should be, because the more I talk
with him, the less I have to say the next time.
(21:15):
So stop crying has become I know it hurts, but
I think it's okay and you can continue.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Playing and it's okay to cry.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Also, yeah, but I feel like feeling anything too much
and harping on it too much.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
That's you said.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
Context is important, where if it's a game and it's
not too bad, then the crying is kind of getting
in the way of him enjoying the game and also
him socializing with other boys and girls. So in that context,
crying too much is a deterrent. But if it's at
home and he's really upset that maybe this trip got
(21:48):
canceled and he's devastated because we've been talking about this stiff,
he's allowed to cry or be sad the whole day
because that's what it's not coming in the way of
his life. So crying is okay with the right context.
Like this, there's a purpose for every emotion.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Because I said so.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Oh, that's a tough one.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Because I said so I think I'll give context again
not eating vegetables, and I don't need vegetables, So you
have to eat vegetables. Because you don't need vegetables. I'm
gonna throw you out of the house.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Why do I have to vegetables? Because I said so.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Have you seen have you seen my plate? And have
you seen how strong your father is? Because I work
out and I eat my vegetables and my protein.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
You eat your protein, eat the vegetables. Do you want
ice cream? Can?
Speaker 3 (22:35):
I have to? If you have all of them, new
get ice cream. So that's how it works. Yeah, so
it's manipulation.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
You give them the rationale. I like that. Okay, Okay,
go ask your mother.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Do you really want to talk to you? That work?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
It's like fair, okay, act like a lady.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Oh, act lady.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
I would never say that, yes, yeah, because I wanted
to ride motorbikes and because she might say that to me,
like girls to ride motorbikes. I feel its counter intuitive
if you tell a girl that's not what a lady does.
I think you're kind of taking her away from the
joy of being a lady. And same thing with guys,
(23:23):
like yeah, if you be a man like they kind
of they're kind of playing a role exactly.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
They're not happy and they don't know why.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
But if you let a guy be like girlish, then
he really enjoys the masculine stuff for what it is,
and then he can do both.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
So I would say that what does that even mean?
Be a lady? What does that even mean?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Look at that? I like that all these phrases are
getting updated.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Okay, last one, Uh, that's not how we did it
in my time.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
And now I go for therapy. So you don't want
to go with therapy? Do it this way?
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Ken you? Did you always want to be a dad?
Speaker 4 (24:05):
Did you grow up having this vision of fatherhood as
part of your life plans or was it a decision
you took very deliberately later or did it just happen?
Like there's so many possibilities.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
There's this light bulb concept I think from Sex in
the City about like when the light bulb was on
when the man looks at the woman extra and he's like, yeah,
I'm going to just marry you. I think that's been
like I always knew I want to get married because
I my dad is in the navy, so I just
always this moving nest issue. We just were never in
(24:38):
one place, so really yearned for like, can I just
have a nest? And I took up stand up comedy,
which is the worst job to do, which is you
just keep traveling. So I knew I want to like
find I just I want to find somebody and just
like have a nest. But the kid thing was the
older I became there. I did it for a massive responsibility,
(25:00):
and you know, you can screw up the kid if
you don't read somebody.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
You know, that's my biggest fear.
Speaker 4 (25:04):
Anyway, Yeah, exactly, even the nicest, best, sweetest parents.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Will Yeah, it is inevitable.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
It's all of this changed because I met Tracy. So
when I married Tracy, I was honestly.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Fifty to fifty.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
She was she always want to have a kid. I
was like, Trace, you want to have a baby, I'm in.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
You don't want to have a baby, I'm in.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
I don't think I'll have regrets either way, because I
also don't want a parent a kid with anyone else
except Racy. So again, it's just that I can't explain it.
It just violently went to the other way where yes,
I want to marry you get that yeah, I get that.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
I think like if you if you can't imagine your
partner the parent of hypothetical kids, you definitely should not
have a kid with them, Like you know what I mean,
I totally get complete switch that could happen, and you
want to be with.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Someone that you don't get scared or are worried of,
Like I want to discuss this with them or the
style of parenting.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
I hope they take it the right way. I don't
have that fear with advice.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Wonderful. I'm so happy that you found each other.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Thank God you have your nest and it's a beautiful,
very lucky. What about you?
Speaker 1 (26:19):
What about me? I want to have kids.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
I was just in general, like what is your outlook
on having like marriage and having kids in this whole part?
Like have you given it a thought or you're like
I want to stay away from all.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
You know, I thought for a long time that I
am going to opt out of marriage and kids, Okay,
and that's not I am like the I love love.
I am such a lover of love. I want enduring love,
I really do. But I don't think I necessarily need
the state or other people's chapa on my love marriage.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
I mean, if it was a you'll break it for
the other person.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
I'm not like you know, I don't have an aggression
against like getting married, But it's not that important to
me the ceremony.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
You know.
Speaker 4 (27:09):
I think what you said about meeting this person who
changed your perspective on things to me hypothetically neither dying
to get married nor dying to have children. But love
is such a powerful thing, such a powerful thing that
I feel like I haven't met the person that has
elicited either aspiration within me. I have yet to meet
(27:31):
a man who makes me want to spend the rest
of my life with him or have his babies.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
But you can see yourself, like if you met somebody
and then they gave that feeling that you would go
ahead with it.
Speaker 4 (27:41):
Look, I'm thirty five, Kenny, I don't know how long
I probably going to freeze my eggs or something, So
I'm not I'm not like dying to have a kid,
Let's be honest.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
I also think you could adopt a kid if I
ever changed my mind.
Speaker 4 (27:54):
The quantum of responsibility is definitely scary to me, and
I think that does scare me. I also go to
therapy and all of that. But I guess, as you
know you've got to live, I guess you can't know.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
So it's not like I've gotten over that. The ony
way I deal with it, I don't think about it.
That's the only way, because if I sit down and.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
Actually say, if I find my Tracy Kenny, yeah, I'll
join you, Okay, we'll get my own nest. Also, and
the absence of a Tracy, I ain't doing this. I
feel like I would have very much love my own baby,
very much, like not that interested in other people's baby.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Except but Emily sounds wonderful.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
She's touch with like a very happy baby. She's literally
the amalgamation.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Of Tracy and I.
Speaker 3 (28:32):
So we call her small friend, which is yeah, which
we learned from my mom in law. She calls her
kids small friend. It's adorable.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
We literally mean like a like a.
Speaker 3 (28:43):
Third friend, like our group was me and Trace and
now a third pert who's like as cool as us
and as fun as us.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
She's like fits in. She laughs at the same things
we do.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
She likes traveling, she likes the kind of songs and
voices we make.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
We got very lucky.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
That is so sweet. You know, hearing you makes me
rethink my cynicism around you know.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Okay, you have a thousand clarity.
Speaker 4 (29:10):
No, No, I know I'm kidding, but I meant like
I was so likely. No, but I do sometimes have
conversations with people. A very close friend mind had a kid,
and it does seem like one of As you said,
it's a new life. You couldn't know this, Kenny, if
you didn't have Emily. There's no way you could have
sat in that Kenny's life and known what this Kenny
was going back.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
It's just stepped into a different universe and you can't
go back.
Speaker 4 (29:33):
On that note, Kenny, it is time for another segment.
So we're actually taking a leaf out of your book.
I know on your podcast you have this segment called
two Types of People, and so we're doing something like that,
and so you can take it one step ahead by
also justifying your reason for making this choice over that choice.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Okay, okay, let's do this. Cool dad or responsible dad.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
I think it is sponsorible dad because a lot of
screwed up kids have cool dads because you know, the
kids think they're cool, but we all know the dad's
just absent. So I would say responsible that I think
the I would rather be punished by not being cool.
But I know that they're going to be fine, and
they think I'm laying any day over. They think I'm cool,
(30:21):
but I've ruined them.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
But I think that's cool though.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
You know, exactly, we are redefining what it means to
be cool dads and just cool in general.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Exactly. Kindness is the new punk rock exactly.
Speaker 4 (30:33):
Okay, Beta become a doctor or Beta become a comedian.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Oh no, Beta, become a doctor.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Please, and we have a doctor in the family.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Also, yes, yes, yes, I got lucky, and the amount
of stress and financial instability and lack of I don't
even know what I'm going to do five years from now.
I don't want my children to go through that. Become
a doctor, noble profession get paid. Well, I just hope
you get them sleep and some respect. But better become
(31:04):
a doctor. Definitely noted.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Let the baby cry it out or swoop in with
a lullaby.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
According to the rules of the game, I can be nuanced,
so I'm going to say swooping.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
But the actually answer is a middle ground there.
Speaker 4 (31:20):
Okay, show the messy house or pretend everything is fine.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Oh, I'm full messy house. Tracy has also come around.
I mean she's the more proper gentleman. I mean, lady,
I'm not a gentleman. I'm pretty messy. So I have
made Tracy progressively sloppier and sloppier and messy.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Here.
Speaker 3 (31:41):
Now that we have a baby, we can use that
as an excuse right now, if you come to my house,
it's just we have a matt a play mat and
all the toys of her are all laid out in
a beautiful living.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Room which we renovated recently.
Speaker 4 (31:53):
So messy, you know, as it should be at this point,
At this point, Okay, Kenny, I'm sure that there are
quite a lot of people watching who might be contemplating
parento or going through quite the same stage in their
journey as you are. And so what advice do you
have for new parents that you wish someone had told you?
Speaker 3 (32:13):
If you are thinking of being parents and you have
even a little doubt, that's completely normal. You're never going
to be ready. There's no right time. It's kind of
like starting a business. You're like, you know, we're going
to have this and that and this and this, then
I start my business. That's what I happened. So being
a parent is like that, or you're not going to
be ready. And if you're already in it, you don't
(32:35):
have time to watch this show anyway, so I can't
reach out to you anyway. So if you are, come
out and you're like, by mistake, I've played this video
in the three minutes where the baby's screaming and you're
fighting with your partner.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
We're all in the same boat and it gets better.
And this is your idea.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
She can't blame anyone else, Okay, so what's your problem
with your idea?
Speaker 2 (32:58):
That's one cool thing about parents in my generation.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
It's like if you see anybody with the kid, they're really, really,
really hopefully really wanted that baby. I think our parent
generation they were like forced on the hand to and
you have my friends like they're either not having a
baby or they just can't wait to have a baby.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
So it's great, you know, it's it's I feel it's
so sad. You know. The kids can feel it, absolutely,
the kids know and they're wanted. So yeah, so that's
your fault, deal with it. Tell me surprised?
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, Kenny, thank you, that was so much fun.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Thanks so much for joining us, and thank you for
joining us on Love Matters.
Speaker 4 (33:40):
If you enjoyed this episode, please do like, share, subscribe
all that good stuff and if you want to write
into us, you can do so with Lovematters at DW
dot com. Love Matters is produced by The Indian Express
and DW and if you do want to listen to
more conversations like this, I recommend you check out an
episode with Nickil Tanaja, who spoke about masculinity and ways
that might resonate with you.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
If you enjoyed, watch this episode by going to the
other episode.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
No like, if they finished watching this episode and I
want to stick with Okay.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
Watch it again, put times times off the top five
moments and be like, hey, I feel you should call
Kenny again.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
The assumption was that already watched them start to finish,
made this don't want to leave. I'm giving them some
more love.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
This style of thinking they'll finished watching.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Watch it again, subscribe, Okay, just just watch it again.
Thanks guys, Kathy's just going to cut all.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
Of the Really, editor, if you're listening to me, you're
to give.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
This all of it.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
Give the episode.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Thanks so much for tuning into love matters. We'll see
you next time.
To be left out.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Yeah, like you just feel like can I do something?
Speaker 3 (00:03):
It's there's not much Like if I try to feed Emily,
she's a actress.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Is blame?
Speaker 4 (00:09):
You love your child? Of course you wouldn't have it
any other way. Sure, but it can still be really hard.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Our parents are just like, it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Now, it's a blessing.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
And then you feel litly bitrayed because you don't feel
like that. People say it's an adjustment. It's not an adjustment.
It's a new life. An adjustment means you're doing certain
things and a new thing comes and you're like, oh,
that's not worth being apparent? Is that life is gone?
Now it's a new life. It's you, your wife and
your kid. And it's not a bad thing. It's just
(00:43):
a new life.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
What advice do you have for new parents that you
wish someone had told.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
You You're never going to be ready. There's no right time,
and this is your idea. She can't blame anyone else.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Okay, hey Kenny, welcome to love match.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I love the I love the enthusiasm and the warmth
I have felt as I've entered into this space, So
thank you. I'm being serious and I'm serious. That's the
problem in a comedian. People think I'm joking. But it's
already pretty fun. And I feel like I know you
for a long time, even the second meeting.
Speaker 4 (01:22):
I know. But Kenny, it's been an important time. You
have big changes. You You are now a father, a father.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Can I call you daddy? Okay, that was just low hanging.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I'm sorry, Tracy, I am a daddy.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Now I'm daddy.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
I'm a father.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
To be honest, I've always been like daddy is always like.
I've always been the annoying, telling my roommates what to do,
telling my friends to invest, telling my my dad now
to be more careful and conscious. So I've always kind
of had this uncle vibe and also just a vibe,
and I've worked on it in therapy also because it
(02:03):
kind of created havoc in my relationships. But now I'm
actually the like now my skill set is aligned. Yes,
it's finally paying off. So it's been awesome. I couldn't
be more lucky to have a daughter, because Trason, I've
prayed for a girl.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Happy for you.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
So she's ten months now, so ten months as we speak. Somedady,
she's going to see this, So I got to be
in my best baby.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
That's so sweet, that's so precious. What's her name?
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Her name is Emily? Emily Yeah, old school.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Name, adorable. Thanks for sharing that. How how's the sleeping?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So, to be fair, my wife is taken there.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
Fall we were doing this whole staying up at night together,
and then we both were tired in the morning. And
then Tracy was just like, we both can't be tired
in the morning. You do the mornings and I'll do
the nights.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
To be sleep separately.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Now because it's also slayer kind of Emily, sleep is
still very bad. She gets a good night a lot
her night feeds us alone. So long story short, I'm
sleeping fine.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Well.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
That brings me to the topic of our episode today,
which I believe is what daddy over here I wanted
to talk about.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Daddy guilt.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
Daddy guilt, daddy guilt.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
How does it feel to have a good night's sleep
while your wife has to wake up every five minutes?
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Right now, I'm feeling the guilt where I can afford to,
like work, I'm entechling. This is work, and while my
wife is with Emily. So anytime I step out of
the house and I'm not with Emily a trace can
it kind of kicks in, but.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I'm so sorry, No, no, it's fine, No, no, I.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
Mean it's because of Trace I can do this. So
but Tercey and I have spoken about it, and she's like,
trust me when Emily is not as small and she's big,
and then the parents kind of like they kind of
meld into one.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
She's like, You're going to do most of it.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
So I'm I'm actually looking for it to the point
where I can contribute more. Right now, Emily is so
small that you know, at night especially, she does not
want anybody else.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
You just want some mom.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
I'm talking about the dads as well, and I'm asked them,
how how do you go through dad guilt? I think
it's a nice, unfortunately late conversation that we have recognized
that dads are also a very integral part of raising
the kid, and the guilt.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Is also such a new thing.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Right Sadly, I'm not judging parents who couldn't be there
because of financial reasons, because you know, both couldn't work.
But now I think I'm very privileged, like Tercay and
I are in a good financial situation, so I can
actually do both. I can work and be with Emily.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
And Tracy's also a dentist, and so we we spoke
about the dad guilt because it kept coming up. And
then Racy was like, you you seem very.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
Affected, and I was like, yeah, you know, you want
to help, but there's not much you can do. So
then again another parent gave me great advice or just
just take care of the mom.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
That's your job right now. So I make sure.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Tracy is fine, and let's see you check upon me
in two years on the dad guilt.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
But you know, even pregnancy, it is a thing that
both people are going through, and then the you know,
parenting all of it, like the dad being some sort
of like financial contributor at most to the upbringing of
a child is like such a limited and it's not fair.
It's actually so limiting both to the dad and the kid,
Like there's so much to gain from a present father, right,
(05:39):
And luckily we go to therapy and we have the
economic privilege and stuff to actually change that.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
So I kind of feel like all the problems we
have is mostly to do with lack of emotional connection
with dads and the over emotional connection moms have. It's
like it's cure on both kind of. I'm just talking
about Indian families.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Where the moms sons, in particular.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Sons and even daughters.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
I think the moms get so much connection from the
kids that the dad's kind of non existent and the
vice of us aware dads are so emotionally dead and
malnourished that they just easily fall into the financial thing
of like, well, I provided financially, but they're also emotionally
dead kids also yearning for it. So I feel like
(06:26):
we have kind of grown, but now we have double
problems of like how do you manage a healthy, equal
relationship but also how do you respect traditional rules that
are there for a reason where a baby needs a
mom for a certain thing and the baby needs the
dad for a certain thing. So when you said that,
my brain was just exploding.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
It's like it's a lot.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
Yeah, I bet, I bet parenting is a lot, and
I think there isn't one right way to do it,
like perfection is not attainable, but we can at least
do our best right.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
It's the intention.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
It's the intention.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
The parts can feel like hey, I'm just trying to help.
Sorry if I messed up, but you know the intention.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Is to exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (07:07):
So what are some of the things you think when
you said you know the child needs the mom for
certain things and the dad for certain things, what do
you think the child needs the dad for.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
What sort of dad do you hope to.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Be as of now? Absolutely nothing.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
I think she's just ten months, so I think I
could answer this question better when Emily's bigger. But from
what I've seen so far, with ten months, it's ninety
percent mom. It's the nursing, it's the soothing, it's the
I mean, they're almost like one entity. When you separate them,
(07:41):
you can see the pain they both go through. But
ever since, like from six months to ten, I could
see that. I think I just give Tracy a break
when I'm with Emily. It's just if it gets also
a nadia that make you feel guilty of the mom,
like why is the baby not with you right now? Like, dude,
I'm having lunch for ten minutes. So I think just
(08:03):
her getting an emotional break of not being with Emily
for just maybe an hour, that's something I provide and Emily.
I'm also reading about it that oxytocin is releasing moms
when they're nursing the baby and then the here of
the baby and when they're playing with the dads is
when oxytocin released for both parties. So like so babies
(08:24):
actually associate dad with play. So as of now, I
have the best part of just like playing with Emily,
and I think I think also I'm good with boundaries,
Like if Emily's crawling and she starts crying to be
picked up, that's also not true, like I could pick
up Emily immediately when she's uncomfortable, but certain discipline stuff,
(08:47):
I think it's so hard on the mom to like
hear the baby cry or be uncomfortable. I think the
dad's kind of come in with the tough love of no, no.
She has to be a little uncomfortable. It's okay, she
has to learn this again. I just feel right now
I think I'm contributing much. Maybe from the family perspective.
I think it's easier for me to be positive and
(09:09):
calma because I'm not so tired and I can kind
of see the big picture. But like in the trenches, yeah,
so I can give her that shoulder off.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
It's okay.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
I guess ten months is just like it's it's it's
just so new everything.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
I love when you.
Speaker 4 (09:28):
Didn't love when you said that there's there one entity
I understand literally came out of a body.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
You just they're just having this amazing party.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
We left out.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, like you just feel like, can I do something?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
It's there's not much Like if I try to feed Emily,
she's likes blame.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
But you know, fathers and daughters have such a special bonds.
I have such a special bond with my dad, and
so I'm sure that Liken, you have no idea what
you're in for, and she's going to cause so much
trouble for you, because no, I caused no trouble for
my dad.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
In your team an angel, but in your teenagers, that's
what I hear, that they're like the teenagers I was.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
I really doated on my dad and him on me.
But I guess that you're protective of your daughter, right,
and then it maybe it's difficult to see her with
her first boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
I don't know, you know, no one's ever good enough
for him.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Oh that's okay, that's okay. Parents have unattainable standards.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Somebody should have standards.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
You have the standards Okay, Kenny, Emily deserves the best.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Okay, I mean I think if Emily Game is some guy,
I was like, really, this guy, The problem is not
the guy.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
I'm like this.
Speaker 4 (10:42):
Yeah, that's the reaction every single guy ever has gotten,
even though they're pretty nice.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Guy.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
No one's good enough for my dad. Nobody think anyone
will ever be good enough for my.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Dad is a problem, but.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
Neither Yeah, no one's ever good enough Anyway, This show
is not about me. I love my parents, and I'm
glad they have standards. Honestly, sometimes my judgment has been lacking.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
In the common section.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Be like, Lisa, please elaborate when has your judgment been lacking?
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Okay, we're doing this little thing called no overthinking.
Speaker 4 (11:25):
It's basically like fill in the blank, but you don't
just say what comes to mind immediately. Okay, let's do
so no overthinking daddy. Addition, the best thing about becoming
a father is.
Speaker 3 (11:38):
Waking up and you know that you got You can
play with your daughter like it's because usually you thinking
like what's going to be the fun part of my day?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
I know what the fun part of my day is. Yeah,
I can just hang on.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
With her the most annoying thing about becoming a father is.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
That we only talk about parenting.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Yeah, we can talk about something else if you.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
No, No, that's fine now My like Jayson, I used
to talk about like really fun and dumb stuff as well,
but not like everything is like a heavy conversation.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Okay, it's still so new. The most important thing a
dad needs.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
Is I think the wife to understand that everybody contributes differently.
It's kind of like a losing game and you're like,
I'm doing this this much and you're only doing this much.
I think in the beginning of the relationship we kind
of established that there are going to be a lot
of things I do which is going to be invisible
or I have done in the past, Hence we enjoy
(12:33):
this today, and vice versa, where you have worked on
yourself to be so mature and emostly stable, Hence I'm
enjoying a wonderful wife. So yeah, I think understanding the wife.
I think understanding that the dad's also contributing in whatever
way does not be perfect is good enough.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Okay. The best trick to get your kid to sleep is.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
Such of all the lights, was all the curtains in
Britain like you're dead, and she was like, okay, I
guess I have to sleep now.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
We all just like stop being fun. We just like works,
it works.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
It works, okay, thank you. The thing I wish I
knew before becoming a dad.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Is, you know, people say it's an adjustment. It's not
an adjustment, it's a new life. I would just tell
new parents that, Kevin Wick. It is not an adjustment.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
Means you're doing certain things and a new thing comes
and you're like, oh, that's not worth being apparent.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Is that life is gone Now it's a new life.
It's you, your wife and your kid. And it's not
a bad thing. It's just a new life. It's kind
of like you had two legs and sutainly now have
three legs. You wouldn't be like it's an adjustment. It's like, no,
now I have three legs. It's it's a new way
of walking.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
That's really beautifully put can.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
Okay, yeah, you know, I think real to I think
that it's very difficult to be honest about the fact
that parenting's not all fun and games and easy and amazing. Right,
Especially women are like never allowed to say they don't
love being moms. Personally, I'm very invested in like honest
depictions of parenting. Because you love your child, of course
(14:18):
you wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, but it
can still be really hard, right, and we're like not
allowed to publicly acknowledge this is hard.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Especially more like, I think Tracy Well felt very guilty
if she complained that this is hard.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Then she used to pause and be like, but I'm
very grateful that I can have a baby. I think
it's okay.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
It's just that, I think in our culture, especially when
you say something negative, people assume that you're saying the
whole thing is negative exactly, instead of you just pointing
out like, hey, I like dinner, I didn't like the dessert.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
It's okay for didn't like the desert. You're not saying
you hated the whole meal.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
So we I think what you just said is so
true because all my friends were babies, completely honest with us,
so that mentally prepared us. They said, it's going to
be very hard. Uh, it's going to be very tiring.
It's not going to be easy. You're going to feel overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
But you know, our parents are just like, it's amazing.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
It's a blessing, and then you feel really betrayed because
you don't feel like that. But we didn't feel betrayed.
We were like, I think we overestimated how hard it was,
and when it happened, we were like, oh, this is manageable.
We have the skills to me.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
All your friends had gone to therapy. Everyone was brutally
honest about parentings. Have you got the like, yeah, I
think the correction is it.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
I think millennials are just I won't even say, oh, correction,
They're just honest. They're like, hey, this is what we
went through, just so you know, and that that is
such a gift we had because then when we got
checked in to the hospital during the delivery, Tercy and
I knew this is going to be physically daunting. So
(15:58):
then I knew that I need to support her and
be and she knew that she has to like brace
with all her strength. And then when we knew the
breastfeeding the first few months is very difficult, so we
were not shocked that it was difficult. We knew that
it's a huge thing to have a newborn. So I
took off from work. I planned this a year ago
that I'm going to work for the first four months.
(16:20):
Then it became eight months.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Wow, I'm so glad to hear that.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Yeah, But because my friends warned me, it was not
like a discussion like should I shouldn't know?
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I was like, no, I'm just off And because of that,
it was so easy because we were all home.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
But also, if you can, if you do have the
time and resources, planning it, like that is a nice
thing to do.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
I mean, I thought I had the resources, and and
now I'm back to work slowly, and I realized that, Okay,
it's expensive. It's expensive, and it was risky to be
off work for so long, so now I have to
like re establish some connections and stuff. But I have
no regrets ten years from now. Even Tracy and I
were talking. She was like, you know, I miss going
to the clinic being a dentist. And I said, Trace,
(17:03):
I also like have that guilt of like I should
be working and earning saving for the family. But I'm like,
in ten years, do you think you and I will
be like, man, I really regret when Emily was like
a year old, we didn't work as much.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Right, We're never going to say that.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
She's like, that's true, So that really helps me with
the guilt that I'm never going to regret spending time
with your.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
First baby, at least maybe second baby. You'll igno.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Kidding, what was your relationship with your dad?
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Like, So it's funny. Even my new stand up is
about family. But I had to flip it because the
usual gender dynamic is that dance are the more masculine,
guarded ones and moms are the more emotional, caring ones.
But it is flipped for me. My mom's very like
(17:55):
guarded and very fundamental like person and my dad's very
emotional and very caring and very soft. So that messed
me up because my dynamics I kind of flipped traditional dynamics.
So whenever I dated, I kind of dated someone like
my mom, and I was not very happy.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I was like, I don't feel a lot of warm there.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Then I realized like I was kind of like used
to like the female figure in my life being very
stoic and product type, and I have very high standards
for my male friends. Like if my male friends are
not being soft or emotional, I was like, what the
hell is this? You know, like, why aren't you being
open and warm and kind? So now after therapy and
(18:40):
working on myself. I've kind of evened it out now
I accept I expect softness and emotional warm from both genders.
So my dad has been exceptionally like there and caring
and present and supportive. My dad told me the story
like in carolb. Back in the day, they used to
(19:01):
like make fun of him for like carrying me, because
like dads are not meant to be involved with their child.
And my dad used to tell me, are people something
fun of me? That is to carry you around and
stuff like you give it to the mom now, not
like my mom and carrying me. My mom's like if
you meet my mom, she's like, she's like, no nonsense.
She's like, have you eaten? Are you sick? Have you slept?
(19:24):
Are you doing okay?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Fine?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
And she's gone her dad like, how's your day, what's happening,
how's your friend doing? So it's an interesting flip.
Speaker 4 (19:33):
That's so lovely to hear you speak of your relationship
with your father in this way is so lovely because
so many Indian men have a lot of friction with
their father. That's like a cliche, is right, And I
really do think that fathers and sons or just in
general the raising of male children that tends to be
(19:57):
this like negation of any emotion other than anger. Don't cry,
don't So we actually have another little game we wanted.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
To play with you.
Speaker 4 (20:05):
Since you are post therapy and now post Emily Kenny,
we thought you might want to upgrade some of the
typical like dad responses.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Oh okay, wow, so that's.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
That'll be funer. Yeah, yeah, let's upgrade some dad responses.
So these are traditional dadlines, and we want you to
rewrite them with your take.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Stop crying becomes what.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Oh oh, that's nice. Okay, I'm going to give a
little more context.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Maybe we're at the playground and Emily's falling down and
she gets it, but I mean, you don't girls stop crying.
I imagine have a son. He falls down and he
starts crying, and I'm like, hey, Budie, what happened. He's like,
it hurts. I'm like, yeah, it hurts. It makes sense,
but feel the pain. But I think you can get
(20:55):
over this, and we can you can continue with the
game because I think it's not as bad as you think.
Then he pauses, he said, but it still hurts. I'm
gonna get it. I think it's fine, you're not bleeding anymore.
So basically, stop crying has become one paragraph conversation, and
that's how it should be, because the more I talk
with him, the less I have to say the next time.
(21:15):
So stop crying has become I know it hurts, but
I think it's okay and you can continue.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Playing and it's okay to cry.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Also, yeah, but I feel like feeling anything too much
and harping on it too much.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
That's you said.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
Context is important, where if it's a game and it's
not too bad, then the crying is kind of getting
in the way of him enjoying the game and also
him socializing with other boys and girls. So in that context,
crying too much is a deterrent. But if it's at
home and he's really upset that maybe this trip got
(21:48):
canceled and he's devastated because we've been talking about this stiff,
he's allowed to cry or be sad the whole day
because that's what it's not coming in the way of
his life. So crying is okay with the right context.
Like this, there's a purpose for every emotion.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Because I said so.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Oh, that's a tough one.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Because I said so I think I'll give context again
not eating vegetables, and I don't need vegetables, So you
have to eat vegetables. Because you don't need vegetables. I'm
gonna throw you out of the house.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Why do I have to vegetables? Because I said so.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Have you seen have you seen my plate? And have
you seen how strong your father is? Because I work
out and I eat my vegetables and my protein.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
You eat your protein, eat the vegetables. Do you want
ice cream? Can?
Speaker 3 (22:35):
I have to? If you have all of them, new
get ice cream. So that's how it works. Yeah, so
it's manipulation.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
You give them the rationale. I like that. Okay, Okay,
go ask your mother.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Do you really want to talk to you? That work?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
It's like fair, okay, act like a lady.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Oh, act lady.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
I would never say that, yes, yeah, because I wanted
to ride motorbikes and because she might say that to me,
like girls to ride motorbikes. I feel its counter intuitive
if you tell a girl that's not what a lady does.
I think you're kind of taking her away from the
joy of being a lady. And same thing with guys,
(23:23):
like yeah, if you be a man like they kind
of they're kind of playing a role exactly.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
They're not happy and they don't know why.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
But if you let a guy be like girlish, then
he really enjoys the masculine stuff for what it is,
and then he can do both.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
So I would say that what does that even mean?
Be a lady? What does that even mean?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Look at that? I like that all these phrases are
getting updated.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Okay, last one, Uh, that's not how we did it
in my time.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
And now I go for therapy. So you don't want
to go with therapy? Do it this way?
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Ken you? Did you always want to be a dad?
Speaker 4 (24:05):
Did you grow up having this vision of fatherhood as
part of your life plans or was it a decision
you took very deliberately later or did it just happen?
Like there's so many possibilities.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
There's this light bulb concept I think from Sex in
the City about like when the light bulb was on
when the man looks at the woman extra and he's like, yeah,
I'm going to just marry you. I think that's been
like I always knew I want to get married because
I my dad is in the navy, so I just
always this moving nest issue. We just were never in
(24:38):
one place, so really yearned for like, can I just
have a nest? And I took up stand up comedy,
which is the worst job to do, which is you
just keep traveling. So I knew I want to like
find I just I want to find somebody and just
like have a nest. But the kid thing was the
older I became there. I did it for a massive responsibility,
(25:00):
and you know, you can screw up the kid if
you don't read somebody.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
You know, that's my biggest fear.
Speaker 4 (25:04):
Anyway, Yeah, exactly, even the nicest, best, sweetest parents.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Will Yeah, it is inevitable.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
It's all of this changed because I met Tracy. So
when I married Tracy, I was honestly.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Fifty to fifty.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
She was she always want to have a kid. I
was like, Trace, you want to have a baby, I'm in.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
You don't want to have a baby, I'm in.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
I don't think I'll have regrets either way, because I
also don't want a parent a kid with anyone else
except Racy. So again, it's just that I can't explain it.
It just violently went to the other way where yes,
I want to marry you get that yeah, I get that.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
I think like if you if you can't imagine your
partner the parent of hypothetical kids, you definitely should not
have a kid with them, Like you know what I mean,
I totally get complete switch that could happen, and you
want to be with.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Someone that you don't get scared or are worried of,
Like I want to discuss this with them or the
style of parenting.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
I hope they take it the right way. I don't
have that fear with advice.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Wonderful. I'm so happy that you found each other.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Thank God you have your nest and it's a beautiful,
very lucky. What about you?
Speaker 1 (26:19):
What about me? I want to have kids.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
I was just in general, like what is your outlook
on having like marriage and having kids in this whole part?
Like have you given it a thought or you're like
I want to stay away from all.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
You know, I thought for a long time that I
am going to opt out of marriage and kids, Okay,
and that's not I am like the I love love.
I am such a lover of love. I want enduring love,
I really do. But I don't think I necessarily need
the state or other people's chapa on my love marriage.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
I mean, if it was a you'll break it for
the other person.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
I'm not like you know, I don't have an aggression
against like getting married, But it's not that important to
me the ceremony.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
You know.
Speaker 4 (27:09):
I think what you said about meeting this person who
changed your perspective on things to me hypothetically neither dying
to get married nor dying to have children. But love
is such a powerful thing, such a powerful thing that
I feel like I haven't met the person that has
elicited either aspiration within me. I have yet to meet
(27:31):
a man who makes me want to spend the rest
of my life with him or have his babies.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
But you can see yourself, like if you met somebody
and then they gave that feeling that you would go
ahead with it.
Speaker 4 (27:41):
Look, I'm thirty five, Kenny, I don't know how long
I probably going to freeze my eggs or something, So
I'm not I'm not like dying to have a kid,
Let's be honest.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
I also think you could adopt a kid if I
ever changed my mind.
Speaker 4 (27:54):
The quantum of responsibility is definitely scary to me, and
I think that does scare me. I also go to
therapy and all of that. But I guess, as you
know you've got to live, I guess you can't know.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
So it's not like I've gotten over that. The ony
way I deal with it, I don't think about it.
That's the only way, because if I sit down and.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
Actually say, if I find my Tracy Kenny, yeah, I'll
join you, Okay, we'll get my own nest. Also, and
the absence of a Tracy, I ain't doing this. I
feel like I would have very much love my own baby,
very much, like not that interested in other people's baby.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Except but Emily sounds wonderful.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
She's touch with like a very happy baby. She's literally
the amalgamation.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Of Tracy and I.
Speaker 3 (28:32):
So we call her small friend, which is yeah, which
we learned from my mom in law. She calls her
kids small friend. It's adorable.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
We literally mean like a like a.
Speaker 3 (28:43):
Third friend, like our group was me and Trace and
now a third pert who's like as cool as us
and as fun as us.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
She's like fits in. She laughs at the same things
we do.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
She likes traveling, she likes the kind of songs and
voices we make.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
We got very lucky.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
That is so sweet. You know, hearing you makes me
rethink my cynicism around you know.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Okay, you have a thousand clarity.
Speaker 4 (29:10):
No, No, I know I'm kidding, but I meant like
I was so likely. No, but I do sometimes have
conversations with people. A very close friend mind had a kid,
and it does seem like one of As you said,
it's a new life. You couldn't know this, Kenny, if
you didn't have Emily. There's no way you could have
sat in that Kenny's life and known what this Kenny
was going back.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
It's just stepped into a different universe and you can't
go back.
Speaker 4 (29:33):
On that note, Kenny, it is time for another segment.
So we're actually taking a leaf out of your book.
I know on your podcast you have this segment called
two Types of People, and so we're doing something like that,
and so you can take it one step ahead by
also justifying your reason for making this choice over that choice.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Okay, okay, let's do this. Cool dad or responsible dad.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
I think it is sponsorible dad because a lot of
screwed up kids have cool dads because you know, the
kids think they're cool, but we all know the dad's
just absent. So I would say responsible that I think
the I would rather be punished by not being cool.
But I know that they're going to be fine, and
they think I'm laying any day over. They think I'm cool,
(30:21):
but I've ruined them.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
But I think that's cool though.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
You know, exactly, we are redefining what it means to
be cool dads and just cool in general.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Exactly. Kindness is the new punk rock exactly.
Speaker 4 (30:33):
Okay, Beta become a doctor or Beta become a comedian.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Oh no, Beta, become a doctor.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Please, and we have a doctor in the family.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Also, yes, yes, yes, I got lucky, and the amount
of stress and financial instability and lack of I don't
even know what I'm going to do five years from now.
I don't want my children to go through that. Become
a doctor, noble profession get paid. Well, I just hope
you get them sleep and some respect. But better become
(31:04):
a doctor. Definitely noted.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Let the baby cry it out or swoop in with
a lullaby.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
According to the rules of the game, I can be nuanced,
so I'm going to say swooping.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
But the actually answer is a middle ground there.
Speaker 4 (31:20):
Okay, show the messy house or pretend everything is fine.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Oh, I'm full messy house. Tracy has also come around.
I mean she's the more proper gentleman. I mean, lady,
I'm not a gentleman. I'm pretty messy. So I have
made Tracy progressively sloppier and sloppier and messy.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Here.
Speaker 3 (31:41):
Now that we have a baby, we can use that
as an excuse right now, if you come to my house,
it's just we have a matt a play mat and
all the toys of her are all laid out in
a beautiful living.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Room which we renovated recently.
Speaker 4 (31:53):
So messy, you know, as it should be at this point,
At this point, Okay, Kenny, I'm sure that there are
quite a lot of people watching who might be contemplating
parento or going through quite the same stage in their
journey as you are. And so what advice do you
have for new parents that you wish someone had told you?
Speaker 3 (32:13):
If you are thinking of being parents and you have
even a little doubt, that's completely normal. You're never going
to be ready. There's no right time. It's kind of
like starting a business. You're like, you know, we're going
to have this and that and this and this, then
I start my business. That's what I happened. So being
a parent is like that, or you're not going to
be ready. And if you're already in it, you don't
(32:35):
have time to watch this show anyway, so I can't
reach out to you anyway. So if you are, come
out and you're like, by mistake, I've played this video
in the three minutes where the baby's screaming and you're
fighting with your partner.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
We're all in the same boat and it gets better.
And this is your idea.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
She can't blame anyone else, Okay, so what's your problem
with your idea?
Speaker 2 (32:58):
That's one cool thing about parents in my generation.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
It's like if you see anybody with the kid, they're really, really,
really hopefully really wanted that baby. I think our parent
generation they were like forced on the hand to and
you have my friends like they're either not having a
baby or they just can't wait to have a baby.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
So it's great, you know, it's it's I feel it's
so sad. You know. The kids can feel it, absolutely,
the kids know and they're wanted. So yeah, so that's
your fault, deal with it. Tell me surprised?
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yeah, Kenny, thank you, that was so much fun.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Thanks so much for joining us, and thank you for
joining us on Love Matters.
Speaker 4 (33:40):
If you enjoyed this episode, please do like, share, subscribe
all that good stuff and if you want to write
into us, you can do so with Lovematters at DW
dot com. Love Matters is produced by The Indian Express
and DW and if you do want to listen to
more conversations like this, I recommend you check out an
episode with Nickil Tanaja, who spoke about masculinity and ways
that might resonate with you.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
If you enjoyed, watch this episode by going to the
other episode.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
No like, if they finished watching this episode and I
want to stick with Okay.
Speaker 3 (34:11):
Watch it again, put times times off the top five
moments and be like, hey, I feel you should call
Kenny again.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
The assumption was that already watched them start to finish,
made this don't want to leave. I'm giving them some
more love.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
This style of thinking they'll finished watching.
Speaker 4 (34:30):
Watch it again, subscribe, Okay, just just watch it again.
Thanks guys, Kathy's just going to cut all.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
Of the Really, editor, if you're listening to me, you're
to give.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
This all of it.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
Give the episode.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Thanks so much for tuning into love matters. We'll see
you next time.
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My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
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Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com