April 28, 2023 • 25 mins
Online dating apps tend to get a bad rap. But today’s guest Surbhi Bagga takes just the opposite point of view: She thinks online apps are great for finding love. In fact, the stand-up comic, TV writer and podcast host met her current partner on not one, but two different dating apps. So whether you‘re already looking for love on Tinder, Bumble or OkCupid, or you‘re considering signing up, this is an episode especially for you.
Evelyn Sharma's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/evelyn_sharma/
Surbhi Bagga`s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/surbhi.bagga/?hl=de
Produced by: Axel Scheele, Sally McGrane
Research & guest acquisition: Sana Rizvi
Sound Engineer: Gerd Georgii
Project Manager: Sonja Kaun-Trenkler
Editorial Support: Shashank Bhargava, Anant Nath Sharma, Khyati Rajvanshi
Executive Producer: Melanie von Marschalck, DW Life & Style
Evelyn Sharma's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/evelyn_sharma/
Surbhi Bagga`s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/surbhi.bagga/?hl=de
Produced by: Axel Scheele, Sally McGrane
Research & guest acquisition: Sana Rizvi
Sound Engineer: Gerd Georgii
Project Manager: Sonja Kaun-Trenkler
Editorial Support: Shashank Bhargava, Anant Nath Sharma, Khyati Rajvanshi
Executive Producer: Melanie von Marschalck, DW Life & Style
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Do your research. By research,I mean stoking for good old googling.
Yeah, good old googling, lookthem up on LinkedIn. Okay, I
do believe that some stocking is healthy, you know, because you're going to
be putting yourself in a situation whereyour physical safety can be compromised. Why
(00:31):
go out and meet people when youcan swipe through a sea of potential partners
from the comfort of your own couch. Today we'll talk to a guest who
says that online apps don't deserve thatbad rap. She's even going to tell
us why a little ghosting shouldn't scareanyone off, and why she prefers to
look for love online instead of inperson. Hi, I'm Evelyn Charmer and
(00:59):
your list to Love Matters, apodcast about relationship issues that matter to you
and me. So I've heard frompeople who want to ban all dating apps,
but today our guest has exactly theopposite point of view. She thinks
online apps are great for finding love. In fact, she met her current
partner on not one, but twodifferent dating apps. So, whether you're
(01:23):
already looking for love on Tinder,Bumble or okay Cupid, or you're considering
signing up this is an episode especiallyfor you. But first let's meet our
guest. Surbi Baga is a standup comic, TV writer and host of
the Overthink Tank podcast. Surbie,thank you so much for joining us.
(01:44):
Thank you so much, Evellin.That was a lovely welcome. I feel
like this is the podcast that Ishould have been guested on, you know,
like love matters. It just feelsso right awesome. Yeah, I'm
really excited to share my tricks fantastic. While we're so so glad to have
you today on the show, tellus straight up, what is the best
(02:07):
thing about online dating? I believethat dating apps are a boon for introverts
like me, specifically because otherwise,if no dating apps exist, then your
next option is to walk up topeople in a bar and strike a conversation,
you know, and hope that theother person is single also, and
(02:29):
it's also equally you know, outin the market. Well, I wouldn't
think that stand up comic is anintrovert, but I'm sure when it comes
to dating, we all have differentaspects to ourselves. What do you think
is the drawback? Though? Whenit comes to online dating? The catch
is that it can make you feellike you're just a profile out in the
(02:52):
etho. Yeah, but also yourpartner is one swipe away, you know,
one message away. Yeah, becauseI have her from quite a few
people who are just done with onlinedating, who have been wronged, as
they say online. But then Iguess we can be wronged in real life
too. I mean, do youwant to meet someone in a bar or
(03:14):
through a friend or online? AndI guess online is the very much twenty
first century way to meet someone.So I have tried out every approach that
people talk about, right as you'vejust mentioned the approach of asking a friend
to set you up with someone.That's how I'm at my husband. So
(03:36):
oh, okay, there you go. You see that's beautiful, But it
can end up two ways. There'salways the fear of meeting someone and not
liking them that person as much,And then how do you tell your friend
that, oh, by the way, the guy you set me up with
was a bore or you just Iwouldn't. I would want and enter this
(04:00):
friendship as well, thanks for ruiningmy evening. So that's a con,
and one else is on that list. I feel like there are multiple cons
depending on how you approach dating appslike for me, I personally feel like
a lot of people complain that datingapps don't feel as organic as you know,
(04:23):
meeting someone at a bar or meetingsomeone at a mutual friend's birthday party.
But to me, I feel likeanything is as organic as you make
it to be. So just thefact that dating apps make it a little
easier for you to have the firstmeeting or have the first dialogue without feeling
(04:46):
like the ground beneath your feet isshaking. It makes it easy for you
to talk to people and then whatyou make of it, Like, once
you meet the person in real life, then what the section that you have
is still going to be organic.It's still sort of like a blind date,
isn't it, Because you've spoken tothe person and you've texted with the
(05:09):
person, that it's still can bepretty dangerous. Once you meet them in
real life, they will not bethat person that you hope them to be.
They will be themselves and hopefully that'swhat you will love about them.
But it could also go the otherway that you're like, you get this
reality check. Yeah, that isalso a gamble that you take, right.
(05:30):
That's just regardless of what app youuse, If you meet them because
your friend made you meet them.That's the gamble that you're taking when you're
looking for love. In my opinion, things can go wrong anywhere in the
world. I mean, we've allseen Thinness Swindler. I bet there's someone
out there is planning to be abumble humble, but like unhinged unhinge,
(05:55):
I do believe that you can makedating apps work for you, but you
can also be more frivolous about love. It's about what you want. So
I remember using dating apps as away to casually meet people with no intention
of, you know, love,no intentional sort of getting into a relationship.
(06:15):
So as long as you are clearabout what you want and you're not
here to waste anybody else's time oryour own time, I think that is
what sort of brings the maturity.Even in a dating app. You can
be mature about you know what you'reseeking, and there's going to be a
lot of people who are going tohurt you unintentionally or intentionally. But if
(06:40):
you don't know what you want andyou're just browsing the catalog, well that's
also I think something that you canbe you can be open about. You
can just be like, I havenever been on a dating app, so
I'm just exploring my options to seeingwhat's out there. And yeah, just
knowing even if you don't know whatyou want, knowing that you don't know
(07:03):
what you want is good enough.It's a good start, That's true.
You do look at it as aratio game, right where every twenty dates
you go to, one of theperson might be the person that you know
you have a connection with. Sobasically you have to have fun with it.
(07:23):
You have to enjoy dating apps assomething that you just can't take too
serious. I guess there's a lotof fun to be had on dating apps.
What's one of the most hilarious experiencesthat you had. I went on
a date with this guy who seemedamazing on text, you know, seemed
like a fun person, seemed likesomeone I could have a drink with and
(07:46):
then see where it goes. Andthen he showed up in his shots and
his bathroom slippers almost to the barliterally five minutes into the date. I
was like, okay, I canonly down this one beer and then I
have to be out. So thedate went well in his own right.
(08:09):
He was being I think open abouthis job but in my opinion, I
think I've never heard someone talk aboutcrypto for twenty five minutes at length.
Oh mind, you could talk tome about crypto for like three hours.
I still would not get it.I was a typical crypto boy and honestly
just read the room. Check inwith your date, see if they have
(08:33):
anything to share, instead of justgoing on and on about your job.
So that's something I have. Imean, luckily for me, I don't
have to go on any more datesbecause I have found someone. Right,
let's talk about that. How didyou meet your partner? Okay, my
cun partner? He was on adating app. I met him on Bumbled
(08:54):
first and we swiped like we matchedwith each other, and we started texting
for a week and out of nowhere, obviously, the second wave of the
pandemic hit us in the face.It was just a lot. So I
personally just felt very like, howcould I be on a dating app looking
(09:15):
for love when the world around meis looking for hospital beds and you know
this crisis everywhere. I just feltthat dating apps were really frivolous, and
for me, in that moment,I immediately uninstalled the dating app IP was
on. I just I know thatit made me sort of like a ghoster
(09:37):
because I didn't text anybody. Ijust didn't have the energy of, like,
you know, talking to people becauseon dating apps, first of all,
you know you have to really thetalking stage is the hardest one because
that's when you're really opening up aboutwhat you do and la la la la
la, what I like doing,where do I hang, what do I
do in my free time? Andif you're not in the right mental space,
(10:01):
then you can get very sort ofdepressing to be talking about all that
stuff. And on the other handof the dating app, you're feeling like
shit and you're feeling like none ofthis is going to matter right, like,
especially when there's so much other healthanxiety on your mind. So I
completely ghosted my partner the first timeI started talking to him. But like,
(10:24):
exactly a year later, I've takensome therapy. That's always good.
Yeah, that's always good. Comesin handy. So I was back on
another dating app, swiping away,feeling myself feeling like, okay, cool,
the world's back on, let megive this a shot again. Boom,
I find the person I was talkingto exactly one year ago, and
(10:48):
immediately I swamped back at him,and I was like, hey, the
sequel, the sequels is better thanthe first part. So I said less
immediately catch up. I was like, you know, the weekends right here,
meet me for a coffee. Coffeeis always a safe bet because by
the time the coffee cools, Iknow if this has any potential. So
(11:13):
so I went for a coffee date. My I think when I look back
and I think about this date,I think I really have to give it
to myself too, for meeting thisperson immediately, because sometimes there's a lot
that you can't figured about a personthrough just texting. Yeah, so I
think meeting even though it might seema little nerve wrecking to meet someone immediately,
(11:35):
I was in the opinion that,you know, let's see, let's
see why this goes. I alwayshave an out. I always have,
like someone texting me if I needto get a early out, or I
can just be honest and I canjust tell them, hey, you know,
great meeting you, but I don'tthink this is going anywhere and have
(11:56):
to be back home. So justit's like a polite way of telling them
that the snow working. So Ithink me I met him immediately we kind
of started talking and that one coffeeday, let do dinner dates and more
dinner dates, and then we wentdancing. The thing about our first date,
(12:20):
which which my partner loves reminding me, is that he asked me what
are you looking for on the datingapp? And my answer was, stead
of looking for love, it's socute you guys. I feel like I
feel even though you said, youknow, a con sometimes is that it
doesn't feel so organic when you meetsomeone via a dating app. But to
(12:43):
be honest, I feel like whatyou're telling me sounds like a very organic
progression of your relationship. And youdid meet online. You did transition it
into real life quickly, which Ithink is may be key, you know,
at least for some people, peopleto take it offline as soon as
possible and not become a online relationshipbecause then you're really living in this dream
(13:11):
world of who the other person is, but rather really take it quickly into
real life. Like you said,a coffee date is just so casual,
like you can have coffey with anyone, and it's daytime. It's a safe
place, a safe environment. Yeah, just give it a shot, meet
(13:31):
the person, see if you bubeor not. And I remember my partner
still tells me about how he wastaken aback, like a little bit about
how intensity I said I'm looking forlove and I meant it. I wasn't
joking about because a lot of peoplewho are on dating apps, they have
all kinds of answers when you askthem why you hear, what's your purpose?
(13:54):
And some people might just say,oh, I'm looking for you know,
friends, or I'm looking to justhang out for new people, and
not a lot of people say thatI'm looking for love. But I'd reached
that point in my personal life andI was like, Okay, I know
what I want, Then why can'tI just say it out loud? You
(14:15):
won't make me a smaller person,right, Yeah, Just I feel like
some of us feel kind of ashamedof the fact that we need love,
which is so silly, Like whydo we look down on the fact that
you need to feel loved just likeeverybody else? And oh why does it
give out like desperate energy to saythat I am looking for love? And
(14:39):
I feel like a lot of timeswhen you say what you want, you
actually then receive that. It's reallyfunny because sometimes you just have to be
really honest and say what your heartdesires, and the other person then knows
what to give to you. That'sright, that's so true. Where like
all our lives have been too oldto sort of you know, how do
you true interest and keep them toyourself? Whatever you really want? Trust,
(15:05):
don't say it out loud. Butthe feeling of freedom that you get
by saying exactly what you want,that is something else, you know.
And I think I could have beenin so many good relationships or just friendships,
like mutually agreed upon friendships are betterthan one side of love fairs because
(15:26):
I was in a relationship thinking thatokay, I want love, but I
wouldn't say it out loud, andthe other person has no idea that I
want love. The other person's like, okay, we're casually hooking up and
I'm treating him like my boyfriend,but he's treating me like is one of
his casual You know, I knowwhat you mean. Yeah, it's not
(15:50):
about communication, And actually, youknow, it requires bravery to say what
your heart desires because you put yourself out there at holnerably and you can
be hurt by someone else not givingthat to you. And that hurts when
they knew exactly what you wanted andthey didn't give it to you. But
(16:10):
it also shows you who the otherperson is and whether they are the right
person to have this place in yourlife or not. Yeah. Well,
on the podcast, we always havean infutbox related to the topic, So
why don't we quickly have a listeninto today's infut box. Let's go for
this. According to survey conducted byyou gov in twenty twenty one, around
(16:40):
forty four percent of Indians have useda dating app at some point in their
lives, but only twenty six percentof people on dating apps are women,
says Business Insider India. Research alsoshows that online dating in India can be
particularly challenging for women. They oftenface harassment from male users. As a
result, many dating apps have implementedsafety features to try to protect their users.
(17:06):
M that's interesting. What do youthink about that? I mean,
it's definitely not shocking, but thenumber the twenty Like I was, I
always knew that there's less women ondating apps, but it's way less.
It's twenty six percent. It's kindof shocking. Honestly, maybe they aren't
trusting the men on dating apps asmuch, which makes sense. I mean,
(17:30):
men haven't really shown a good reportcards. They're like the biggest threat
to your safety. Yeah, wellonline and offline, I suppose. So
I guess it is a bit scaryto not really know who the other person
is. I also think that weneed to figure out a middle point where
(17:53):
women can feel like they can goto a date and not be you know,
stuck there when they clearly don't feellike it's looking for them. So
do you have any tips for ourlisteners? What are the top three questions
that you can ask someone on adating app so you kind of get an
idea who they are before you goon a date. I would say,
(18:17):
first of all, a set ofthree questions is not enough to know them,
so do your research. By research, I mean stoking, good old
googling. Yeah, good old googling, loot them up on LinkedIn. Okay,
I do believe that some stocking ishealthy, you know, because you're
going to be putting yourself in asituation where your physical safety can be compromised.
(18:41):
So a basic check here and they'retotally fine. So what else to
look out for? Maybe having likereally old photos ofph you and still using
them on the dating app that's beenpretty weird. Yeah, okay, what
do you think is like, Okay, hey, that's a red flag.
Do not continue talking to this person. There's a point in the conversation where
(19:03):
you can start like spewing hate aboutyour ex. And that's when I'm like
a little turned off. I'm like, all right, I get that you
are in a relationship, but don'tshut down your ex on your first date
with somebody else. That feels alittle weird because I feel like, Okay,
he's going to lead the date andon the next date it's going to
talk smack about me. That's right. But how do I protect myself my
(19:26):
heart to not get broken? Iguess is the question that a lot of
people would ask. I think ifyou if you really want to do dating
apps, it's a good time foryou to, you know, get accumulated
with all the different words that thereare related to the dating app world.
I mean, you know, we'veall heard about ghosting, but this breadcrumbing,
(19:48):
this benching. Benching is when somebodyis, you know, talking to
you, but they're honestly just keepingyou on the bench. So some of
the people that you find on datingapp might be doing that to you and
knowing that this is a thing thathappens can keep you at least a little
safe and like a little aware.Yeah, I mean there's always a bad
(20:11):
apple right on any app. Youcan meet like a douchebag on sing Smoke
or a douchebag on any app orin any bar. Well, I guess
to sum this up, if you'relooking for whatever you're looking for online,
be honest about it. Be transparentin your conversations with people that you match
(20:34):
up with, so everybody knows whatthey're in for if they were to go
on a date with you. Bekind to each other, don't hurt each
other, Be kind to yourself,be kind to yourself. Yeah, that's
very good. When is the timeto finally delete the app? When are
you done with the dating app?So in my case, I deleted the
(20:57):
dating app. I think it's thetwo month mark when I was kind of
I'm seeing my partner and I waslike, you know, I'm not actively
using the dating apps because I'm verymuch interested in pursuing this right now.
So, in fact, he wasthe first one to delete his dating app,
and the kind of person that heis, he wrote everybody a message
(21:21):
like a little text for all ofhis matches saying that, Hello, thank
you for talking with me. Ihave found someone I'm interested in and I'm
pursuing this relationship. I hope youhave a good life. Before he uninstalled
the app, which is which isbasically good etiquette, right, Like nobody
has thought this, but you know, accidentally uninstalling an app and then making
(21:47):
the other person feel like you're beingghosted is something that happens as well.
So just taking a little extra timeto make the other person across the phone
feel like you're all so human andso am I And here's a little message
to give you closure, right,or a change a bio, you know,
(22:08):
or a change of bio, orjust if you don't want to be
on a dating app, just justmessage everybody who you recently matched with,
all the people your bread crumbing,and all the people that you're benching at
the moment, just give them ashout out to send them a little letter
to eat everybody's house, like hello. But I think, yeah, good
(22:33):
dating app etiquette is something that wearen't like really familiar with. So I
think if that is made more normalthan everybody would behave like a like a
gentleman slash woman on dating apps,like, it's not your playground for you
to hurt someone, it's you haveto be a kind person and to yourself
(22:56):
and to the other person. Kindnessis what will get you to your parler
or you know, to your whoever, just a good friend. That's a
really good book to write online datingEtiquette. I wonder if that's already there.
Awesome, Well, thank you somuch, Sluby. I feel like
what I have understood from our conversationis that dating is very much linked to
(23:22):
personal growth. You may start outsomewhere like you said, the sorby I
would have met a few years ago, it is very different from the one
who you are now. And I'msure that your dating life has led to
a lot of personal growth and selfdiscovery. And I guess everyone that you
(23:42):
meet online is just another contribution toyour personal growth, which is beautiful.
And I think that that is alsowhat really defines like the coming generations.
I've heard that a lot from genZ that the life to go into relationships
for you know, not forever,but for a season where they get to
(24:06):
know each other and kind of helpeach other grow and you know, then
move on and I feel like takingthe pressure off is good, especially when
it comes to online dating, tojust you know, not go in waste
too high of expectations. You maymake a friend, you may make a
partner, or you know, youmay not like them, which is also
fine, that's so beautifully said.You know, you may want a partner,
(24:32):
you may want you may make thema friend, or you may just
realize something that you have been secretlywanting your entire life and you just know
industing it, such as go inwith an open mind and make sure you're
not there to hurt anybody, andwhen your intentions are right, then you
will attract the right people. Ithink. Yeah, awesome to have you
(24:55):
on the show today. Thank youso much, Thanks so much, Evelyn,
Thank you. I had a greattime chatting with you. You've been
listening to Love Matters, a podcastabout relationship topics that matter to you and
from Indian Express and DW, Germany'sinternational broadcaster. If you think there's something
(25:18):
that we need to talk about,or there's a topic that is important to
you and you think we need tocover it, please write to Love Matters
at DW dot com and don't forgetto share our podcast with your Friends.
I'm Evelyn Charma and I think lavematters.
Do your research. By research,I mean stoking for good old googling.
Yeah, good old googling, lookthem up on LinkedIn. Okay, I
do believe that some stocking is healthy, you know, because you're going to
be putting yourself in a situation whereyour physical safety can be compromised. Why
(00:31):
go out and meet people when youcan swipe through a sea of potential partners
from the comfort of your own couch. Today we'll talk to a guest who
says that online apps don't deserve thatbad rap. She's even going to tell
us why a little ghosting shouldn't scareanyone off, and why she prefers to
look for love online instead of inperson. Hi, I'm Evelyn Charmer and
(00:59):
your list to Love Matters, apodcast about relationship issues that matter to you
and me. So I've heard frompeople who want to ban all dating apps,
but today our guest has exactly theopposite point of view. She thinks
online apps are great for finding love. In fact, she met her current
partner on not one, but twodifferent dating apps. So, whether you're
(01:23):
already looking for love on Tinder,Bumble or okay Cupid, or you're considering
signing up this is an episode especiallyfor you. But first let's meet our
guest. Surbi Baga is a standup comic, TV writer and host of
the Overthink Tank podcast. Surbie,thank you so much for joining us.
(01:44):
Thank you so much, Evellin.That was a lovely welcome. I feel
like this is the podcast that Ishould have been guested on, you know,
like love matters. It just feelsso right awesome. Yeah, I'm
really excited to share my tricks fantastic. While we're so so glad to have
you today on the show, tellus straight up, what is the best
(02:07):
thing about online dating? I believethat dating apps are a boon for introverts
like me, specifically because otherwise,if no dating apps exist, then your
next option is to walk up topeople in a bar and strike a conversation,
you know, and hope that theother person is single also, and
(02:29):
it's also equally you know, outin the market. Well, I wouldn't
think that stand up comic is anintrovert, but I'm sure when it comes
to dating, we all have differentaspects to ourselves. What do you think
is the drawback? Though? Whenit comes to online dating? The catch
is that it can make you feellike you're just a profile out in the
(02:52):
etho. Yeah, but also yourpartner is one swipe away, you know,
one message away. Yeah, becauseI have her from quite a few
people who are just done with onlinedating, who have been wronged, as
they say online. But then Iguess we can be wronged in real life
too. I mean, do youwant to meet someone in a bar or
(03:14):
through a friend or online? AndI guess online is the very much twenty
first century way to meet someone.So I have tried out every approach that
people talk about, right as you'vejust mentioned the approach of asking a friend
to set you up with someone.That's how I'm at my husband. So
(03:36):
oh, okay, there you go. You see that's beautiful, But it
can end up two ways. There'salways the fear of meeting someone and not
liking them that person as much,And then how do you tell your friend
that, oh, by the way, the guy you set me up with
was a bore or you just Iwouldn't. I would want and enter this
(04:00):
friendship as well, thanks for ruiningmy evening. So that's a con,
and one else is on that list. I feel like there are multiple cons
depending on how you approach dating appslike for me, I personally feel like
a lot of people complain that datingapps don't feel as organic as you know,
(04:23):
meeting someone at a bar or meetingsomeone at a mutual friend's birthday party.
But to me, I feel likeanything is as organic as you make
it to be. So just thefact that dating apps make it a little
easier for you to have the firstmeeting or have the first dialogue without feeling
(04:46):
like the ground beneath your feet isshaking. It makes it easy for you
to talk to people and then whatyou make of it, Like, once
you meet the person in real life, then what the section that you have
is still going to be organic.It's still sort of like a blind date,
isn't it, Because you've spoken tothe person and you've texted with the
(05:09):
person, that it's still can bepretty dangerous. Once you meet them in
real life, they will not bethat person that you hope them to be.
They will be themselves and hopefully that'swhat you will love about them.
But it could also go the otherway that you're like, you get this
reality check. Yeah, that isalso a gamble that you take, right.
(05:30):
That's just regardless of what app youuse, If you meet them because
your friend made you meet them.That's the gamble that you're taking when you're
looking for love. In my opinion, things can go wrong anywhere in the
world. I mean, we've allseen Thinness Swindler. I bet there's someone
out there is planning to be abumble humble, but like unhinged unhinge,
(05:55):
I do believe that you can makedating apps work for you, but you
can also be more frivolous about love. It's about what you want. So
I remember using dating apps as away to casually meet people with no intention
of, you know, love,no intentional sort of getting into a relationship.
(06:15):
So as long as you are clearabout what you want and you're not
here to waste anybody else's time oryour own time, I think that is
what sort of brings the maturity.Even in a dating app. You can
be mature about you know what you'reseeking, and there's going to be a
lot of people who are going tohurt you unintentionally or intentionally. But if
(06:40):
you don't know what you want andyou're just browsing the catalog, well that's
also I think something that you canbe you can be open about. You
can just be like, I havenever been on a dating app, so
I'm just exploring my options to seeingwhat's out there. And yeah, just
knowing even if you don't know whatyou want, knowing that you don't know
(07:03):
what you want is good enough.It's a good start, That's true.
You do look at it as aratio game, right where every twenty dates
you go to, one of theperson might be the person that you know
you have a connection with. Sobasically you have to have fun with it.
(07:23):
You have to enjoy dating apps assomething that you just can't take too
serious. I guess there's a lotof fun to be had on dating apps.
What's one of the most hilarious experiencesthat you had. I went on
a date with this guy who seemedamazing on text, you know, seemed
like a fun person, seemed likesomeone I could have a drink with and
(07:46):
then see where it goes. Andthen he showed up in his shots and
his bathroom slippers almost to the barliterally five minutes into the date. I
was like, okay, I canonly down this one beer and then I
have to be out. So thedate went well in his own right.
(08:09):
He was being I think open abouthis job but in my opinion, I
think I've never heard someone talk aboutcrypto for twenty five minutes at length.
Oh mind, you could talk tome about crypto for like three hours.
I still would not get it.I was a typical crypto boy and honestly
just read the room. Check inwith your date, see if they have
(08:33):
anything to share, instead of justgoing on and on about your job.
So that's something I have. Imean, luckily for me, I don't
have to go on any more datesbecause I have found someone. Right,
let's talk about that. How didyou meet your partner? Okay, my
cun partner? He was on adating app. I met him on Bumbled
(08:54):
first and we swiped like we matchedwith each other, and we started texting
for a week and out of nowhere, obviously, the second wave of the
pandemic hit us in the face.It was just a lot. So I
personally just felt very like, howcould I be on a dating app looking
(09:15):
for love when the world around meis looking for hospital beds and you know
this crisis everywhere. I just feltthat dating apps were really frivolous, and
for me, in that moment,I immediately uninstalled the dating app IP was
on. I just I know thatit made me sort of like a ghoster
(09:37):
because I didn't text anybody. Ijust didn't have the energy of, like,
you know, talking to people becauseon dating apps, first of all,
you know you have to really thetalking stage is the hardest one because
that's when you're really opening up aboutwhat you do and la la la la
la, what I like doing,where do I hang, what do I
do in my free time? Andif you're not in the right mental space,
(10:01):
then you can get very sort ofdepressing to be talking about all that
stuff. And on the other handof the dating app, you're feeling like
shit and you're feeling like none ofthis is going to matter right, like,
especially when there's so much other healthanxiety on your mind. So I
completely ghosted my partner the first timeI started talking to him. But like,
(10:24):
exactly a year later, I've takensome therapy. That's always good.
Yeah, that's always good. Comesin handy. So I was back on
another dating app, swiping away,feeling myself feeling like, okay, cool,
the world's back on, let megive this a shot again. Boom,
I find the person I was talkingto exactly one year ago, and
(10:48):
immediately I swamped back at him,and I was like, hey, the
sequel, the sequels is better thanthe first part. So I said less
immediately catch up. I was like, you know, the weekends right here,
meet me for a coffee. Coffeeis always a safe bet because by
the time the coffee cools, Iknow if this has any potential. So
(11:13):
so I went for a coffee date. My I think when I look back
and I think about this date,I think I really have to give it
to myself too, for meeting thisperson immediately, because sometimes there's a lot
that you can't figured about a personthrough just texting. Yeah, so I
think meeting even though it might seema little nerve wrecking to meet someone immediately,
(11:35):
I was in the opinion that,you know, let's see, let's
see why this goes. I alwayshave an out. I always have,
like someone texting me if I needto get a early out, or I
can just be honest and I canjust tell them, hey, you know,
great meeting you, but I don'tthink this is going anywhere and have
(11:56):
to be back home. So justit's like a polite way of telling them
that the snow working. So Ithink me I met him immediately we kind
of started talking and that one coffeeday, let do dinner dates and more
dinner dates, and then we wentdancing. The thing about our first date,
(12:20):
which which my partner loves reminding me, is that he asked me what
are you looking for on the datingapp? And my answer was, stead
of looking for love, it's socute you guys. I feel like I
feel even though you said, youknow, a con sometimes is that it
doesn't feel so organic when you meetsomeone via a dating app. But to
(12:43):
be honest, I feel like whatyou're telling me sounds like a very organic
progression of your relationship. And youdid meet online. You did transition it
into real life quickly, which Ithink is may be key, you know,
at least for some people, peopleto take it offline as soon as
possible and not become a online relationshipbecause then you're really living in this dream
(13:11):
world of who the other person is, but rather really take it quickly into
real life. Like you said,a coffee date is just so casual,
like you can have coffey with anyone, and it's daytime. It's a safe
place, a safe environment. Yeah, just give it a shot, meet
(13:31):
the person, see if you bubeor not. And I remember my partner
still tells me about how he wastaken aback, like a little bit about
how intensity I said I'm looking forlove and I meant it. I wasn't
joking about because a lot of peoplewho are on dating apps, they have
all kinds of answers when you askthem why you hear, what's your purpose?
(13:54):
And some people might just say,oh, I'm looking for you know,
friends, or I'm looking to justhang out for new people, and
not a lot of people say thatI'm looking for love. But I'd reached
that point in my personal life andI was like, Okay, I know
what I want, Then why can'tI just say it out loud? You
(14:15):
won't make me a smaller person,right, Yeah, Just I feel like
some of us feel kind of ashamedof the fact that we need love,
which is so silly, Like whydo we look down on the fact that
you need to feel loved just likeeverybody else? And oh why does it
give out like desperate energy to saythat I am looking for love? And
(14:39):
I feel like a lot of timeswhen you say what you want, you
actually then receive that. It's reallyfunny because sometimes you just have to be
really honest and say what your heartdesires, and the other person then knows
what to give to you. That'sright, that's so true. Where like
all our lives have been too oldto sort of you know, how do
you true interest and keep them toyourself? Whatever you really want? Trust,
(15:05):
don't say it out loud. Butthe feeling of freedom that you get
by saying exactly what you want,that is something else, you know.
And I think I could have beenin so many good relationships or just friendships,
like mutually agreed upon friendships are betterthan one side of love fairs because
(15:26):
I was in a relationship thinking thatokay, I want love, but I
wouldn't say it out loud, andthe other person has no idea that I
want love. The other person's like, okay, we're casually hooking up and
I'm treating him like my boyfriend,but he's treating me like is one of
his casual You know, I knowwhat you mean. Yeah, it's not
(15:50):
about communication, And actually, youknow, it requires bravery to say what
your heart desires because you put yourself out there at holnerably and you can
be hurt by someone else not givingthat to you. And that hurts when
they knew exactly what you wanted andthey didn't give it to you. But
(16:10):
it also shows you who the otherperson is and whether they are the right
person to have this place in yourlife or not. Yeah. Well,
on the podcast, we always havean infutbox related to the topic, So
why don't we quickly have a listeninto today's infut box. Let's go for
this. According to survey conducted byyou gov in twenty twenty one, around
(16:40):
forty four percent of Indians have useda dating app at some point in their
lives, but only twenty six percentof people on dating apps are women,
says Business Insider India. Research alsoshows that online dating in India can be
particularly challenging for women. They oftenface harassment from male users. As a
result, many dating apps have implementedsafety features to try to protect their users.
(17:06):
M that's interesting. What do youthink about that? I mean,
it's definitely not shocking, but thenumber the twenty Like I was, I
always knew that there's less women ondating apps, but it's way less.
It's twenty six percent. It's kindof shocking. Honestly, maybe they aren't
trusting the men on dating apps asmuch, which makes sense. I mean,
(17:30):
men haven't really shown a good reportcards. They're like the biggest threat
to your safety. Yeah, wellonline and offline, I suppose. So
I guess it is a bit scaryto not really know who the other person
is. I also think that weneed to figure out a middle point where
(17:53):
women can feel like they can goto a date and not be you know,
stuck there when they clearly don't feellike it's looking for them. So
do you have any tips for ourlisteners? What are the top three questions
that you can ask someone on adating app so you kind of get an
idea who they are before you goon a date. I would say,
(18:17):
first of all, a set ofthree questions is not enough to know them,
so do your research. By research, I mean stoking, good old
googling. Yeah, good old googling, loot them up on LinkedIn. Okay,
I do believe that some stocking ishealthy, you know, because you're
going to be putting yourself in asituation where your physical safety can be compromised.
(18:41):
So a basic check here and they'retotally fine. So what else to
look out for? Maybe having likereally old photos ofph you and still using
them on the dating app that's beenpretty weird. Yeah, okay, what
do you think is like, Okay, hey, that's a red flag.
Do not continue talking to this person. There's a point in the conversation where
(19:03):
you can start like spewing hate aboutyour ex. And that's when I'm like
a little turned off. I'm like, all right, I get that you
are in a relationship, but don'tshut down your ex on your first date
with somebody else. That feels alittle weird because I feel like, Okay,
he's going to lead the date andon the next date it's going to
talk smack about me. That's right. But how do I protect myself my
(19:26):
heart to not get broken? Iguess is the question that a lot of
people would ask. I think ifyou if you really want to do dating
apps, it's a good time foryou to, you know, get accumulated
with all the different words that thereare related to the dating app world.
I mean, you know, we'veall heard about ghosting, but this breadcrumbing,
(19:48):
this benching. Benching is when somebodyis, you know, talking to
you, but they're honestly just keepingyou on the bench. So some of
the people that you find on datingapp might be doing that to you and
knowing that this is a thing thathappens can keep you at least a little
safe and like a little aware.Yeah, I mean there's always a bad
(20:11):
apple right on any app. Youcan meet like a douchebag on sing Smoke
or a douchebag on any app orin any bar. Well, I guess
to sum this up, if you'relooking for whatever you're looking for online,
be honest about it. Be transparentin your conversations with people that you match
(20:34):
up with, so everybody knows whatthey're in for if they were to go
on a date with you. Bekind to each other, don't hurt each
other, Be kind to yourself,be kind to yourself. Yeah, that's
very good. When is the timeto finally delete the app? When are
you done with the dating app?So in my case, I deleted the
(20:57):
dating app. I think it's thetwo month mark when I was kind of
I'm seeing my partner and I waslike, you know, I'm not actively
using the dating apps because I'm verymuch interested in pursuing this right now.
So, in fact, he wasthe first one to delete his dating app,
and the kind of person that heis, he wrote everybody a message
(21:21):
like a little text for all ofhis matches saying that, Hello, thank
you for talking with me. Ihave found someone I'm interested in and I'm
pursuing this relationship. I hope youhave a good life. Before he uninstalled
the app, which is which isbasically good etiquette, right, Like nobody
has thought this, but you know, accidentally uninstalling an app and then making
(21:47):
the other person feel like you're beingghosted is something that happens as well.
So just taking a little extra timeto make the other person across the phone
feel like you're all so human andso am I And here's a little message
to give you closure, right,or a change a bio, you know,
(22:08):
or a change of bio, orjust if you don't want to be
on a dating app, just justmessage everybody who you recently matched with,
all the people your bread crumbing,and all the people that you're benching at
the moment, just give them ashout out to send them a little letter
to eat everybody's house, like hello. But I think, yeah, good
(22:33):
dating app etiquette is something that wearen't like really familiar with. So I
think if that is made more normalthan everybody would behave like a like a
gentleman slash woman on dating apps,like, it's not your playground for you
to hurt someone, it's you haveto be a kind person and to yourself
(22:56):
and to the other person. Kindnessis what will get you to your parler
or you know, to your whoever, just a good friend. That's a
really good book to write online datingEtiquette. I wonder if that's already there.
Awesome, Well, thank you somuch, Sluby. I feel like
what I have understood from our conversationis that dating is very much linked to
(23:22):
personal growth. You may start outsomewhere like you said, the sorby I
would have met a few years ago, it is very different from the one
who you are now. And I'msure that your dating life has led to
a lot of personal growth and selfdiscovery. And I guess everyone that you
(23:42):
meet online is just another contribution toyour personal growth, which is beautiful.
And I think that that is alsowhat really defines like the coming generations.
I've heard that a lot from genZ that the life to go into relationships
for you know, not forever,but for a season where they get to
(24:06):
know each other and kind of helpeach other grow and you know, then
move on and I feel like takingthe pressure off is good, especially when
it comes to online dating, tojust you know, not go in waste
too high of expectations. You maymake a friend, you may make a
partner, or you know, youmay not like them, which is also
fine, that's so beautifully said.You know, you may want a partner,
(24:32):
you may want you may make thema friend, or you may just
realize something that you have been secretlywanting your entire life and you just know
industing it, such as go inwith an open mind and make sure you're
not there to hurt anybody, andwhen your intentions are right, then you
will attract the right people. Ithink. Yeah, awesome to have you
(24:55):
on the show today. Thank youso much, Thanks so much, Evelyn,
Thank you. I had a greattime chatting with you. You've been
listening to Love Matters, a podcastabout relationship topics that matter to you and
from Indian Express and DW, Germany'sinternational broadcaster. If you think there's something
(25:18):
that we need to talk about,or there's a topic that is important to
you and you think we need tocover it, please write to Love Matters
at DW dot com and don't forgetto share our podcast with your Friends.
I'm Evelyn Charma and I think lavematters.
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