Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:31):
Welcome to Love Light and Wisdom with your host Shashana.
Love Light and Wisdom inspires listeners to tune into their
authentic selves and create a happier and healthier life, take
control and experience true happiness. So please welcome the host
of Love, Light and Wisdom, Shasha.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Hello everybody, I'm Shoshanna Aberbah, your postess of Love, Life
and Wisdom, and you're watching me live on Bold Brave TV.
Welcome to today's show. We're going to be continuing in
the second episode of our series on reclaiming the lost
parts of your Inner Child. This is a very important
(01:19):
topic because many times people don't understand why they don't
feel as happy as they should or could be, and
what's really ruling them inside is their inner child. They
didn't get enough love, didn't get their needs met, and
people were put into a role that they didn't understand it,
(01:42):
didn't care for, didn't like, and made them feel bad
about themselves, shamed and unhappy. So we're here today to
continue this series and discuss roles in the family and
how they came about, and give you some tips and techniques,
(02:04):
including if we have time in the show, a demonstration
of the Emotion Code to help you free yourself of
roles that you may not like or that are operating
within you and causing you to live inauthentically. So before
we move on, I'd like to introduce myself. I am
(02:25):
a licensed social worker and music therapist in the state
of New York, and I provide counseling services and I
teach psychology courses as an adjunct professor. I'm also certified
in the Body Code, Believe Code in the Emotion Code,
and I practice energy and spiritual healing and provide intuitive,
freeedings for people for clients. So look me up on
(02:49):
my website www dot Authentic Radiance dot life, Authentic Radiance
dot life. And of course, if you have any questions
or comments about the show, I'd love to hear from you.
You can send a message through the chat and email
or call us on the live hotline. In case you
(03:09):
have questions afterwards, you can still send us an email
or reach me through my website www Dot Authentic Radiance
dot life. So let's jump right into today's topic next
live place, so reclaiming the lost parts of your inner
child and understanding the what I call adaptive or rather
(03:35):
maladaptive roles in freeing yourself so you can for yourself
of roles that no longer suit you. They were adaptive
in childhood and they become maladaptive later in life. So
this program is to help you understand those roles, what
they are, and how they affected you as an adult,
(03:57):
and to give you some tips and techniques to help
you live a happier, healthier life. Next lide place. It's
a little blurry there we go. Okay, So what we're
going to review a little bit from last week's show.
What is a healthy child, a healthy inner child who
(04:18):
grows up to be a healthy adult. This is who
we are meant to be, playful, resilient, happy, good self esteem,
feeling secure and our relationships with other people, and resilient
when little bumps will come along in life. But that
doesn't always happen. Let's go to the next line. This
(04:43):
is the inner child, the unhappy, maladaptive inner child that's
really inside the big adult who's really ruling the roost
and lurking in your unconscious mind and say and think
and when you're unhappy or so called no reason, perhaps
(05:05):
this is one of the many reasons, and it affects
your relationships with yourself and your work life, and partners
that you choose, and opportunities, and perhaps why you can't
function as well as you would like. Let's look at
the next line. So we're just going to review again
(05:28):
a little bit. This is one of many very good
books out there, recover of your Inner Child. What the
inner child is is that part of us that's playful, intuitive,
and creative. It wants to be healthy and happy, playful,
jumping and skipping, and be creative. But that doesn't always happen,
(05:51):
especially when a person grows up in a dysfunctional family.
Let's look at the next line. Another well known speaker
about this topic was John Bradshaw, who defined the inner
child as the part that's outwardly grown up and powerful
(06:18):
or seems to be powerful, but inside the operating system
is remaining wounded from childhood and this is the major
source he believes of human misery. But don't despair. The
inner child can be healed and wants to be healed,
(06:38):
and that's why we're here to share our love, light
and wisdom. Another definition of the inner child is the
maladaptive emotional and behavior patterns that a person adopted as
a child. In order to survive. But that doesn't mean
that they were thriving, especially in adulthood. And this is
(07:03):
what's again ruling the roots, lurking in the unconscious mind
and affecting everything a person says and does and things
and feels. Let's look at the next line we talked about.
One of the many reasons this could happen attachment styles.
The attachment with the primary caregiver. Was it secure? Was
(07:28):
it insecure? If it were secure, that person usually grows
up to have secure security in oneself and have good,
healthy social and emotional intelligence and relationships both at work
and at home. If the attachment with the caregiver were
(07:49):
insecure and dysfunctional, then there are at least three types,
according to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who first develop
this idea this theory. Avoidant they're not sure, I don't
know if I want to get too close, so they
may self sabotage and do things or be commitment phobic,
(08:13):
as well as the anxious resistant type well I need you,
but I don't know if I want you. It's very
vacillating back and forth, and it's very hard to deal
with these people, especially when forming a relationship with them,
they're on and off, on and off. It doesn't allow
(08:34):
for trust, which is the basis of every relationship to
take hold. But again it can be healed with people
like myself and professionals professional help. Then there's the disorganized
attachment style which they're just all over the place. They
(08:55):
don't know again what they want, but it presents in
a different way. So these are some of the attachment
styles which the inner child may exhibit as an adult,
mostly the insecure types, especially if a person grew up
in a dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional means perhaps a caregiver who
(09:19):
was absent could be to mental or physical illness, drug use, abandonment,
of stress in the household. Whatever it was, it was dysfunctional.
Let's look at the next slide, and why do these
lost parts need to be reclaimed? Because we want to
(09:40):
be whole. We're built in this program within our being
called homeostasis. We want to be in balance, we want
to be in a certain range of we can tolerate.
It's called the window of tolerance. How much stress and
distress can a person tolerate? But we always want to
be back in balance and in peace. So we have
(10:03):
this need for holding and that's why the lost parts
want to be reclaimed and they can be reclaimed, and
they want to be heard, validated, witness, let out, and
expressed and witness. Okay, let's move on to the next line.
So now that we've had some review, let's move on.
(10:26):
What happened to these lost parts that got fragmented, dissociated,
unmet needs from childhood. Well, they probably got stuck as
a trapped emotion in the body. And that's one of
the premises of the emotion code modality developed by doctor
Bradley Nelson and which I practice. So if you'd like
(10:49):
to know more about this, you can watch my other
shows which had a demo and a full explanation of
what the emotion code and the belief code modalities, or
you can look me up and we can schedule the
consultation at www dot Authentic radiance dot life. So when
these trapped emotions get trapped in the body, they create
(11:12):
an energetic disturbance that affects a person's health, mental health,
and well being, and they stay with you until they
are identified and released. The good news is that they
most of the time can be identified and released, and
sometimes people just need a little help. These lost parts
(11:35):
got pigeonholed into a role by choice or other people,
and that's what we're going to be discussing in the
next segment. They come out when you least expect them to,
because they are lurking at in the back burner of
your operating system. You say things you don't mean to say.
You don't like why did I say that? Where did
(11:56):
that come from? How did I attract such a partner?
That's it's not who I walk down the aisle too,
because you're both showing up. And this is what's really
in the background. These parts stay stuck and operate again
as background programs, affecting everything you do, think and say
(12:18):
until you have the courage to face them and heal them.
And they can be healed the lost parts. When a
person is putting more energy into their lost parts, I
call it the avoid dance hyphenated we're dancing around the
problem because there can be some pain in facing that
(12:40):
Facing that pain and healing them it takes a lot
of courage. So the question is making a choice to
perpetuate the avoid dance and perpetuate the discomfort and distress,
or put your money and your energy into to the
solution and healing them. Well, i'd like to before we
(13:06):
take a break, I'd like to leave you with this
quotation from a grief expert named David Kessler. What you
avoid comes back at you. What you confront transforms you.
What you avoid comes back at you because you didn't
solve the problem. Maybe it was maxxed by alcohol, substance
(13:29):
tuning out, numbing out, dissociating, but it's still there. What
you confront will transform you. So we're going to take
a two minute break and come back and learn more
about Roles and the inner child. This is Showshanna Auberbach,
your hostess of Love, Light and Wisdom, and you're watching
(13:50):
me live on buld Grave TV. See you in a few.
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Speaker 2 (16:09):
Welcome back, everybody to love, Light and wisdom on Bold
Brave TV. I'm your hostess, Shoshanna Auberbach, and we've been
talking about reclaiming the lost parts of your inner child.
In this segment, we're going to learn more about the
roles that you played perhaps that created these situations for
you to have these lost parts. So before we move
(16:33):
on with some more information, I wanted to share two
pieces of artwork. When I've explored my issues through the
lens of the inner child, I get so much insight
into myself and as well as healing. So these are
two pieces of art that I created. The one on
(16:56):
the left is called Stifled because it's like, oh, I
can't speak my truth and you see a little tiny
lock on the lips. And when I made this piece
of art, that's exactly how I felt. I was going
through a lot of challenges at that time, and I
just I was so overwhelmed. I just I didn't have
(17:20):
the words for it, and that's I felt stifled. So
putting this image on paper helped me to project and
understand my feelings better, and then I can look at
it and say, wow, that's I'm feeling really uncomfortable with that,
(17:41):
and do some healing around that. And I did the
one on the image on the right I did just
a month before that. I was still going through this
period of overwhelmed distress, dealing with and coping with a
number of multiple traumas that had happened to me in
(18:03):
a very short period of time. And I don't know
if it's coming through, but you see question marks there,
and this piece is called why, like why is this happening?
Why is it happening now? Why all of these traumas? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
I didn't have any answers to the questions. That's God's department,
(18:28):
But I'm the one who's experiencing it, and I needed
a way, a constructive way to acknowledge and validate and
release those feelings so that I could process them. So
what was actually happening is I did not have the
words to say, I'm hurting, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost,
(18:50):
I'm confused, I feel betrayed. It wasn't there yet that
I needed to express these lost parts of my inner
child who is in distress at the time. So I
bring this love, life and wisdom to you because you
(19:11):
can heal as well. And that's what I'm here for
to help give you some tips and techniques and words
of encouragement. Let's move on the next line. So again,
why can't these parts speak up? Well? Sometimes there is
a fear of expressing oneself. There's a consequence of expressing oneself.
(19:34):
I'm going to create conflict in the relationship. She won't
love me anymore, I'll be alone. I'm afraid of being alone,
even though I am alone in this dysfunctional relationship. I'm
afraid of separation and abandonment. So sometimes I say, the
(19:55):
worst thing then being alone is wishing you were alone
or being alone together, and you're still alone. But sometimes
people have a fear of speaking up and creating conflict.
There are other reasons such as neediness, dependence versus resentment.
(20:22):
I depend on you to tell me who I am
and what to do and who to be, and I
resent you at the same time because I want to
be the man. I want to be the woman, and
I want to be the person. I want to be heard,
not controlled and directed. But I need you to direct
(20:42):
me because I can't do it for myself. This is
something that I came up with many many years ago,
again as a result of a situation I was in
at the time, and it's I think the first step
is to be aware of what's going on, Okay, feeling
(21:03):
It's a bad thing to get angry at your mother,
your father, your spouse, your boyfriend, girlfriend, your boss, or
somebody in a position of authority, Because how can I
be angry at the person I depend on If I'm
three years old and I depend on you for my validation,
my food, hugging me, making me feel safe, how can
(21:27):
I be angry at you? Although I am These are
things that need to be discussed in healing or professional
counseling session. People are also can't speak up because of
feeling inhibiit inhibited or the response to them speaking up
(21:52):
was humiliation. How dare you talk back to me? Oh
what do you mean by that? Oh? Stop whining? You
know there's some kind of put down or gas lighting.
So what's the use of me speaking up? This futility
involved here? There's or you're not allowed to You must
(22:15):
do as I say. I'm not must do as I
say and not. What's the other part of that, not,
I'm sorry, I don't remember off hnt not as I do?
There you go, thank you. It's very confusing for a
child because a child needs consistency. There's also the freeze response,
(22:39):
a tongue tiede and that creates what's called the bottleneck
of emotions, especially in the back of your brain. All
the nerves can't process the emotions at the same time,
so you get tongue tied like a traffic jam and
your nervous system. Sometimes you just don't know what to say.
(23:03):
You don't have the vocabulary, the feelings vocabulary, the words
you're used to feeling unprotected or stymy afraid to speak up.
What can help in this situation is looking at a
feelings chart. There are many of them out there in
(23:24):
books and on the internet, and sometimes this can just
give you an idea of what am I feeling and
what am I not feeling. Sometimes I'm talking it over
with a friend, I just don't know what to say
when he or she does this. So over the years
(23:45):
I've learned some really good one liners that have helped
me speak up and have the courage to say what
I need to say. It's a skill and it took
me many, many years, and that's what gives me the
right to sit in this chair and share my love
(24:05):
life and wisdom with you. Because everything that I put
out there is something I've been through myself. Sometimes there's
an awkwardness about speaking up or negative past experiences. That's
called also inhibition or aversion. And there's reality. These parts
(24:26):
do speak up, whether we're conscious of them or not.
Verbally and nonverbally. They come out as lashing out, passive
aggressive behavior, oppositional behavior, as somatic complaints such as neck ache, backache,
and digestion headaches. They do come out, but that's not
(24:46):
a constructive way. They can You can learn to speak
up and speak your truth confidently and constructively, not destructively.
So I invite you to look up by a website
at www dot Authentic Radiance dot life, and let's have
(25:09):
a talk about how I can help you. Let's move
on to the next lie place. So when we grow
up with these lost parts being suppressed and repressed not acknowledged,
we have unmet needs. So back to John Bradshaw and
(25:30):
his book The Homecoming. The primary motivating force in our
lives is emotion. Hyphenated E means out. Motion is moving,
so this is an energy. Our emotions are energies in motion,
and when they don't get moved out, they back up
(25:52):
and create conflict and distress as well as somatic complaints.
So he further quotes emotions or I quote emotions are
the fuel that moves us to defend ourselves and get
our basic needs met, because that's what we need, especially
(26:13):
as very young, dependent, vulnerable children. Some of these needs
include physical needs, food, clothing, shelter, bed, a chair, whatever,
Love and connection. I'm connected to, I feel safe with you.
I need you to protect me. I need to know
(26:33):
I'm being taken care of. I need to know that
I'm okay, that you love me, that I matter. So
there was a famous psychologist named doctor Abraham Maslow who
came up with this hierarchy of needs. This is very
well known in psychology. Beginning with the base of the
(26:56):
triangle physiological needs, and once these needs are satisfied, then
we can move up to the next level safety such
as security. Then when those needs are satisfied, we can
move up to the next one love belonging, followed by esteem,
(27:17):
self esteem, confidence, achievement, and then self actualization where we
have creativity, acceptance of facts, problem solving. We're just authentically ourselves.
So you can't be on the top of the triangle,
for example, if you are hungry or cold or too
cold rather or not feeling safe. So it's sequential. You
(27:43):
have to have the bottom layers satisfied before you can
go on to the next level. So when these needs
are not met again, they come out as dysfunctional behaviors.
So we're going to talk more about this in the
next please. They come out in dysfunctional ways such as frustration, futility, depression, anxiety, denial,
(28:12):
magical thinking, anger, violence, wishing harm, negative cognitions and beliefs
about the self and the world. Acting out, such as
abusing other people, oppositional behavior because people who are abused
often become abusers themselves, acting out on oneself, abusing oneself,
(28:33):
cutting oneself, taking substances, thinking negatively, self deprecation of oneself,
and bypassing oneself. My needs don't matter. I don't know
what they are so and they don't matter because nobody
told me that they matter when I was a kid.
So when we come back for the break. We're going
to discuss more about the roles that these unmet needs
(28:58):
came out in or out in as a role and
what you can do about them. So this has been
show Shanna Auberbach speaking to you live on Love, Light
and Wisdom and you're watching me live on Bold Brave
TV see n a few.
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Speaker 2 (31:22):
Welcome back, everybody. I'm Shoshana Aberbach, your hostess of Love,
Life and Wisdom, and you're watching me live on Bold
Brave TV. We've been talking about reclaiming the lost parts
of your inner child and what happens when you have
needs that are consistently unmet by dysfunctional caregivers. And now
(31:44):
we're going to go into the roles that people play,
whether it's by choice or they are assigned, in order
to have different kinds of expression of these unmet needs
and reclaim them. So there are five different trauma responses.
(32:07):
Trauma can be not only physical trauma. It can be abused,
it can be emotional distress, it could be war, it
could be violence. Whatever is traumatic. This is an individual thing.
What's traumatic for one person might not be for another person.
I believe it has to do with what I call wiring.
(32:29):
So there are five different responses, and this is important
and helping people understand themselves why they chose to flight
or fight, freeze, flop or fond Again. I think it
has to do with wiring and sensitivities. So I don't
(32:52):
want to spend too much time on this right now,
but I just wanted you to be aware that there
is such a thing. And in the mind of a
little child, they again want homeostasis, they want balance, so
they may overcompensate, overcompensate and put themselves or be assigned
(33:12):
a role to play out. This is what's really underneath.
I'm going to explain more as we go along in
the next slide. So let's talk some more about emotions
and unmet needs. Emotion is pre verbal, it doesn't have words.
(33:37):
Doctor Besil Vanderkok, who is a world famous expert on trauma,
says trauma is voiceless. Terror voiceless terror does not have words.
It's pre verbal, and many times when a person is traumatized,
even as an adult, they just don't have the words.
(33:59):
They lost their voice, They lost that part of themselves
that knows what they're feeling. They're speaking up because the
terror of part of your brain, the amignala, where terror
and anxiety process took over that thinking part of the brain.
And that's why when healing from trauma, it's important to
(34:22):
put back the words to reclaim the self. I can
speak up, I am somebody. I'm not disempowered because I
have my voice. So when we have these unmet needs
jumping forward a little bit, that's one reason why we
repeat the past. We're trying to get our needs met,
(34:44):
the need for love, connection, attention, validation, whatever it was,
we want to get it right.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
And this is.
Speaker 2 (34:54):
The basis of a Mongol relationship therapy. That we attract
the kind of person and that we have the same
unfinished business lurking in our unconscious, So we attract the
kind of person who caused or was playing out that
dysfunction when we were a kid. So, for example, a
(35:16):
woman grows up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family saw abuse.
Most likely she's going to attract as much as she
may not want to, a partner who is also abusive
or an alcoholic or has an addictive personality, because that's
what she's used to and she wants that part of
(35:37):
her psyche, wants to be get it right, to be healed,
to be in balance. So I'm going to read the
next sentence in two different ways. We get some of
the needs met by playing out roles. We get some
of those needs met for validation, security or the illusion
(35:57):
of safety and security. We think we get some of
the needs met by playing out dysfunctional roles. What does
that mean? Well, let's learn some more in the next
slide about roles roles in a family system and what
if you don't like or want your role. Roles have rules,
(36:22):
they have behavioral expectations. You're the oldest, you should know better.
For example, Right, you're the youngest, you you should be cute.
You're the leader, you should know what you're doing. Right.
Roles define how people interact with each other. Well, if
(36:43):
I'm the leader, I should be telling people what to
do and you should be listening. Right, That's what I
tell my students. When I'm in a classroom situation, somebody
has to be in charge. You might not like it,
but somebody has to be in charge, and that's me.
Or when I'm the student, the teacher is in charge,
(37:06):
so it's my role to prepare and teach. And for this,
when I'm the student, it's my role to listen. Roles
can be assigned by other people, whether that's consciously or not,
or assumed again consciously or not. Well, I got to
(37:28):
fill in. This happens a lot again. When a parent
is absent, either by death, illness, or by choice by abandonment,
somebody has to, you know, rise to the occasion and
fill in the shoes of that mother or father. Or
maybe there was the oldest child who left home for
whatever reason, so someone else has to step into those shoes.
(37:53):
Roles create balance in a family system, and this can
be negative or positive. This has to do with also
regulating tension in the family or the group, especially if
there's distress such as an absent parent. Again, for whatever reason,
even if it's for a so called good reason or
(38:15):
logical reason, somebody has to be the leader, the follower,
the class clown, the lost child, which we're going to
get into in a bit roles bill in gaps, meaning
as I mentioned, the hero rescues and it makes up
(38:36):
for deficits or what's missing in the functional parent. Right
moms in the hospital, So usually the oldest child steps
up and becomes the mother or figure or at least
a time. Roles can be functional or dysfunctional. That can
(38:58):
for example, one of the roles we're going to see
and either today or next week is the cynic the clown.
It dispels tension, but it also is a way of
avoiding the pain that a dysfunctional couple or dysfunctional family
(39:22):
might be facing. And lastly, roles shape a child's behavior
and influence the kind of adult the child grows up
to be. So what if you don't want or you
like your role, don't like your role. So again, these
things happen sometimes unconsciously, and we're not always aware of
(39:46):
what's happening as a child and sometimes as an adult.
But we can, with awareness learn to identify what's really
going on underneath these roles and what are the unmet
needs that hm that are being what are the met
(40:12):
needs right that are coming out in a dysfunctional way,
And you can heal this part of yourself. Maybe if
you're tired of being the leader, just step back for
and let Like a Greyhound bus if they had it,
they have a their slogan is leave the driving to us.
(40:32):
You know it's hard, it's hard, but you can do it. Okay,
let's go to the next line. Please. So these I'm
not sure what is the source of this, but I
came across it a number of years ago. If anybody
(40:54):
does find the source, please let me know. I like
to cite, you know, sources appropriate. So these are four
or more what I call maladaptive or adaptive in childhood
maladaptive in adulthood roles in dysfunctional families. This often happens when,
for example, and the family of an addict, children who
(41:19):
grow up like adult children of alcoholics. For example, there
is the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, and the
clown or the mascot, and we're going to go through
each one of these one at a time. I think
that we are going to maybe start with the hero
(41:42):
and then we will finish up this information and the
next program. Okay, so let's move on to the hero.
(42:02):
The hero, what's on the outside. They need to be perfect,
be in charge. They can't be wrong. They get positive
attention because they get good grades, they get awards, they
get a degree. I'm in charge, I'm okay, I'm thriving.
They look like they're thriving, but what you don't see
(42:25):
underneath is they have a fear of failing and feel
a fear of being over controlled, so they overcompensate for
that by being in control. Super vigilant, super attentive, perfectionistic.
What do they do for the family. They kind of
(42:45):
make things okay. They say everything is okay, things are
in charge, when things are in balance, things are stable.
When they are not well. Without help, they can and
the control freaks. But with help they can learn they
(43:06):
can be very successful and motivated people. So we're going
to talk more about the hero when we come back,
and how the hero can be healed. So this is
Showshanna Auberbach speaking to your life on Bold Brave TV,
and you're watching me on Love, Light and Wisdom. See
(43:27):
in a few minutes, what if there were.
Speaker 3 (43:30):
A super tiny device that could diagnose the brain and
is smaller than a single human hair. What if you
could see inside the brain to help an epilepsy patient
during surgery, or to help the fight against Parkinson's disease.
Doctor Patricia Broderick is proud to announce the Broaderick Probe,
(43:50):
a biomedical and electronic breakthrough imagine a probe to help
with the understanding and potential cure of brain relating diseases.
To learn more, listen live to the Easy Sense Radio
Show with host Doctor Broderick Wednesday's seven pm Eastern on
the Bold Brave Media Network and tune in radio. And
(44:12):
to help support the Broaderick Foundation, please go to easysense
dot com and learn how with your help we can
fight these horrific brain disorders. That's easysense dot com. To
learn more and help support the Broderick Foundation. Author, radio
(44:32):
show host and coach John M. Hawkins reveals strategies to
help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity, achieve goals. John M.
Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness Unlock Your Full Potential
with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe, Hawkins reveals strategies
(44:53):
to help readers accomplish more. He believes the book can
coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that the best athletes
get to the top of their sport with the help
of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares guidance that helps
readers reflect on what motivates them. We discover and assess
their core values, philosophies and competencies, find settings that allow
(45:15):
them to be the most productive, and track their progress
towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins My Strategy Saturdays,
one pm Easter on the BBM Global Network and tune
in radio.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Welcome back, everybody. I'm Showshanna Auberbach, your Hostess of Love,
Light and Wisdom, and you're watching me live on Bold
Brave TV. We've been talking about roles and how they
fill unmet needs. In particular, the hero, the person who
needs to be in control, provides stability and overcompensates because
(45:56):
inside they don't feel stable. They need to rescue and
create stability so they can grow up to be very
successful people. Or they can grow up to be control
freaks and just always be fixing, fixing, fixing, and still
be very unhappy inside because their own needs are not
being met and they're being bypassed. So here are some suggestions.
(46:21):
If you can identify yourself or someone else as the hero, first,
have awareness. Are you needing to rescue and control and
create safety? Now this has a positive point to it,
a positive side to it, but if it's happening, this
(46:42):
is how you're spending most of your energy then at
something and feeling unhappy about it. I'm always the one
that has to fix and feeling resentful about it and
feeling drained by this role. It's important for us to
have awareness. I have a patient to who plays the hero,
(47:02):
and I have told her rescue yourself first. If you
need to rescue someone, rescue yourself first. Be the hero
for yourself first, and not to bypass your own needs unless,
of course, there's an emergency situation. Because your needs are
not getting met, which is making you unhappy, lighten up
(47:26):
and have some fun. This is the inner child that
didn't get to play. So light up and have some fun,
do something creative and playful. And I'm on the massage table,
for example, I think I'm the teacher, the presenter, and
the one who is in the healing, the directing, and
(47:50):
sometimes I need a break. So when I'm on that
massage table, like the hero, I just click in my brain.
I am in receiving mode. I'm not directing, I'm not
controlling the show. I don't always want to. I need
a break. I am in receiving mode. I am nurturing myself.
(48:11):
I am caring for myself. I deserve this, and this
is what I need for balance. I'm also putting myself
back in my body because all that energy goes up
to your opera chakras in the head controlling directing, and
the energy in your lower body. Your lower chakras is frozen.
(48:32):
So this creates balance. Take a step back and leave
the driving to us, perhaps even challenge yourself to be
the audience, the guest, and the student. So this is
the role of the hero, something I know very well actually,
(48:53):
and that's how I can bring this wisdom to you.
Let's go to slide thirty one please, and this is
the emotion code chart which has helped me dealing with
my role as the hero when I was growing up.
So I'm just going to give you a very brief
(49:14):
demonstration of it. I'm just going to do some muscle testings. Yes,
give me a know. What is one emotion I can
release right now about my resentment about being the hero?
Come A yes? I wrote yes, I'll row one. Yes.
(49:38):
Lost Okay, that need to be the hero came out
of the feeling of a trapped emotion of lost when
I was ten nine eight seven six five four three.
It got stuck in my heart. Yes, so it involved
a particular family situation and with God's help, I'm going
(50:02):
to now release this by swiping over the top of
my head. And again, if you want more information about
the emotion code, you can look up my other shows
or give me or look me up on my website
www dot Authentic radiance dot life. How much is this
bothering me right now? Ten nine eight seven six of
(50:23):
all the healing that I've done on myself is still
operating in the back of my mind is a six.
Let's see what happens when I release it. Swiping over
the governing meridian about five times. Take a deep breath. Okay,
is there something else I can release right now? Yeah?
(50:45):
I feel a little lighter. Come a. I wrote even
wrote two. Yes, anxiety, so this needs to be the
hero came out of a trapped emotion of anxiety because
I needed stability at that time. I got trapped in
(51:05):
my spleen. Yes, the same thing. So I'm going to
ask God to help me release this anxiety from my
spleen at age three. Okay, I do feel a little lighter,
(51:26):
and if we had more time, I would continue until
as many trapped emotions as my body can slightly the release.
And I just wanted to give you a little taste
of the emotion code. And has this changed for me?
It's now ten nine eight seven six five. Just releasing
two trapped emotions, I have knocked that down one number
(51:52):
on the distress scale. So imagine if I did more
of this in a full session. Hopefully we want to
get it down as close to a zero as possible.
So that's a little taste of the emotion code. Releasing
trapped emotions full screen please, So I hope that the
(52:17):
information that I've presented to you today about roles and
the inner child and unmet needs and using the emotion
code can help you better understand yourself or perhaps people
you know and help them heal because you are never
too old to have a happy childhood. And I hope
(52:38):
that this love, Light and wisdom that I've shared with
you today will put you on the road to recovery
and leading a happier and healthier life. This has been
Shoshana Auberbach speaking to you live on Bold Grade TV.
Love Light and Wisdom. We will continue in this series
next time discussing the other role. We're going to be
(53:01):
taking a break for the holiday for about two weeks,
so you will if you're watching this program in a series,
we will have reruns playing while I'm off, and then
we will come back and resume a discussion about those
roles and how you can heal from them, whether you
like them or not. Okay, have a good week, everybody,
(53:24):
Shaloman blessings by.
Speaker 1 (53:25):
For now, this has been love, Light and Wisdom with
your host Shashwa. Shashawa's proven approach takes the guesswork out
of healing with user friendly techniques that resonate deeply with
her clients. Tune in to Love Light and Wisdom Mondays
(53:47):
at ten am Eastern to hear Shashana discuss her techniques
and learn how to apply them in your own life.
Be you, be happy, Believe music. Excerpt from I Carry
You in My Heart Forever by Shoshana Offerbach, copyright twenty
twenty four. All rights reserved.
Welcome to Love Light and Wisdom with your host Shashana.
Love Light and Wisdom inspires listeners to tune into their
authentic selves and create a happier and healthier life, take
control and experience true happiness. So please welcome the host
of Love, Light and Wisdom, Shasha.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Hello everybody, I'm Shoshanna Aberbah, your postess of Love, Life
and Wisdom, and you're watching me live on Bold Brave TV.
Welcome to today's show. We're going to be continuing in
the second episode of our series on reclaiming the lost
parts of your Inner Child. This is a very important
(01:19):
topic because many times people don't understand why they don't
feel as happy as they should or could be, and
what's really ruling them inside is their inner child. They
didn't get enough love, didn't get their needs met, and
people were put into a role that they didn't understand it,
(01:42):
didn't care for, didn't like, and made them feel bad
about themselves, shamed and unhappy. So we're here today to
continue this series and discuss roles in the family and
how they came about, and give you some tips and techniques,
(02:04):
including if we have time in the show, a demonstration
of the Emotion Code to help you free yourself of
roles that you may not like or that are operating
within you and causing you to live inauthentically. So before
we move on, I'd like to introduce myself. I am
(02:25):
a licensed social worker and music therapist in the state
of New York, and I provide counseling services and I
teach psychology courses as an adjunct professor. I'm also certified
in the Body Code, Believe Code in the Emotion Code,
and I practice energy and spiritual healing and provide intuitive,
freeedings for people for clients. So look me up on
(02:49):
my website www dot Authentic Radiance dot life, Authentic Radiance
dot life. And of course, if you have any questions
or comments about the show, I'd love to hear from you.
You can send a message through the chat and email
or call us on the live hotline. In case you
(03:09):
have questions afterwards, you can still send us an email
or reach me through my website www Dot Authentic Radiance
dot life. So let's jump right into today's topic next
live place, so reclaiming the lost parts of your inner
child and understanding the what I call adaptive or rather
(03:35):
maladaptive roles in freeing yourself so you can for yourself
of roles that no longer suit you. They were adaptive
in childhood and they become maladaptive later in life. So
this program is to help you understand those roles, what
they are, and how they affected you as an adult,
(03:57):
and to give you some tips and techniques to help
you live a happier, healthier life. Next lide place. It's
a little blurry there we go. Okay, So what we're
going to review a little bit from last week's show.
What is a healthy child, a healthy inner child who
(04:18):
grows up to be a healthy adult. This is who
we are meant to be, playful, resilient, happy, good self esteem,
feeling secure and our relationships with other people, and resilient
when little bumps will come along in life. But that
doesn't always happen. Let's go to the next line. This
(04:43):
is the inner child, the unhappy, maladaptive inner child that's
really inside the big adult who's really ruling the roost
and lurking in your unconscious mind and say and think
and when you're unhappy or so called no reason, perhaps
(05:05):
this is one of the many reasons, and it affects
your relationships with yourself and your work life, and partners
that you choose, and opportunities, and perhaps why you can't
function as well as you would like. Let's look at
the next line. So we're just going to review again
(05:28):
a little bit. This is one of many very good
books out there, recover of your Inner Child. What the
inner child is is that part of us that's playful, intuitive,
and creative. It wants to be healthy and happy, playful,
jumping and skipping, and be creative. But that doesn't always happen,
(05:51):
especially when a person grows up in a dysfunctional family.
Let's look at the next line. Another well known speaker
about this topic was John Bradshaw, who defined the inner
child as the part that's outwardly grown up and powerful
(06:18):
or seems to be powerful, but inside the operating system
is remaining wounded from childhood and this is the major
source he believes of human misery. But don't despair. The
inner child can be healed and wants to be healed,
(06:38):
and that's why we're here to share our love, light
and wisdom. Another definition of the inner child is the
maladaptive emotional and behavior patterns that a person adopted as
a child. In order to survive. But that doesn't mean
that they were thriving, especially in adulthood. And this is
(07:03):
what's again ruling the roots, lurking in the unconscious mind
and affecting everything a person says and does and things
and feels. Let's look at the next line we talked about.
One of the many reasons this could happen attachment styles.
The attachment with the primary caregiver. Was it secure? Was
(07:28):
it insecure? If it were secure, that person usually grows
up to have secure security in oneself and have good,
healthy social and emotional intelligence and relationships both at work
and at home. If the attachment with the caregiver were
(07:49):
insecure and dysfunctional, then there are at least three types,
according to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who first develop
this idea this theory. Avoidant they're not sure, I don't
know if I want to get too close, so they
may self sabotage and do things or be commitment phobic,
(08:13):
as well as the anxious resistant type well I need you,
but I don't know if I want you. It's very
vacillating back and forth, and it's very hard to deal
with these people, especially when forming a relationship with them,
they're on and off, on and off. It doesn't allow
(08:34):
for trust, which is the basis of every relationship to
take hold. But again it can be healed with people
like myself and professionals professional help. Then there's the disorganized
attachment style which they're just all over the place. They
(08:55):
don't know again what they want, but it presents in
a different way. So these are some of the attachment
styles which the inner child may exhibit as an adult,
mostly the insecure types, especially if a person grew up
in a dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional means perhaps a caregiver who
(09:19):
was absent could be to mental or physical illness, drug use, abandonment,
of stress in the household. Whatever it was, it was dysfunctional.
Let's look at the next slide, and why do these
lost parts need to be reclaimed? Because we want to
(09:40):
be whole. We're built in this program within our being
called homeostasis. We want to be in balance, we want
to be in a certain range of we can tolerate.
It's called the window of tolerance. How much stress and
distress can a person tolerate? But we always want to
be back in balance and in peace. So we have
(10:03):
this need for holding and that's why the lost parts
want to be reclaimed and they can be reclaimed, and
they want to be heard, validated, witness, let out, and
expressed and witness. Okay, let's move on to the next line.
So now that we've had some review, let's move on.
(10:26):
What happened to these lost parts that got fragmented, dissociated,
unmet needs from childhood. Well, they probably got stuck as
a trapped emotion in the body. And that's one of
the premises of the emotion code modality developed by doctor
Bradley Nelson and which I practice. So if you'd like
(10:49):
to know more about this, you can watch my other
shows which had a demo and a full explanation of
what the emotion code and the belief code modalities, or
you can look me up and we can schedule the
consultation at www dot Authentic radiance dot life. So when
these trapped emotions get trapped in the body, they create
(11:12):
an energetic disturbance that affects a person's health, mental health,
and well being, and they stay with you until they
are identified and released. The good news is that they
most of the time can be identified and released, and
sometimes people just need a little help. These lost parts
(11:35):
got pigeonholed into a role by choice or other people,
and that's what we're going to be discussing in the
next segment. They come out when you least expect them to,
because they are lurking at in the back burner of
your operating system. You say things you don't mean to say.
You don't like why did I say that? Where did
(11:56):
that come from? How did I attract such a partner?
That's it's not who I walk down the aisle too,
because you're both showing up. And this is what's really
in the background. These parts stay stuck and operate again
as background programs, affecting everything you do, think and say
(12:18):
until you have the courage to face them and heal them.
And they can be healed the lost parts. When a
person is putting more energy into their lost parts, I
call it the avoid dance hyphenated we're dancing around the
problem because there can be some pain in facing that
(12:40):
Facing that pain and healing them it takes a lot
of courage. So the question is making a choice to
perpetuate the avoid dance and perpetuate the discomfort and distress,
or put your money and your energy into to the
solution and healing them. Well, i'd like to before we
(13:06):
take a break, I'd like to leave you with this
quotation from a grief expert named David Kessler. What you
avoid comes back at you. What you confront transforms you.
What you avoid comes back at you because you didn't
solve the problem. Maybe it was maxxed by alcohol, substance
(13:29):
tuning out, numbing out, dissociating, but it's still there. What
you confront will transform you. So we're going to take
a two minute break and come back and learn more
about Roles and the inner child. This is Showshanna Auberbach,
your hostess of Love, Light and Wisdom, and you're watching
(13:50):
me live on buld Grave TV. See you in a few.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
What if there were a super tiny device that could
diagnose the brain and is smaller than a single human hair.
What if you could see inside the brain to help
an epilepsy patient during surgery or to help the fight
against Parkinson's disease. Doctor Patricia Brodrick is proud to announce
the Broadrick Probe, a biomedical and electronic breakthrough imagine a
(14:20):
probe to help with the understanding and potential cure of
brain related diseases. To learn more, listen live to the
Easy Sense Radio Show with host Doctor Brodrick Wednesday's seven
pm Eastern on the Bold Brave Media Network and tune
in radio. And to help support the Broadrick Foundation, please
(14:40):
go to easysense dot com and learn how with your
help we can fight these horrific brain disorders. That's easysense
dot com to learn more and help support the Broaderick Foundation. Author,
radio show host and coach John M. Hawkins reveals strategies
(15:03):
to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity, achieve goals.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
John M.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness Unlock Your Full Potential
with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe, Hawkins reveals strategies
to help readers accomplish more. He believes the book can
coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that the best athletes
get to the top of their sport with the help
of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares guidance that helps
(15:33):
readers reflect on what motivates them. We discover and assess
their core values, philosophies and competencies, find settings that allow
them to be the most productive, and track their progress
towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John Hawkins My Strategy Saturdays,
one pm Eastern on the BBM Global Network and tune
(15:55):
in radio.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Welcome back, everybody to love, Light and wisdom on Bold
Brave TV. I'm your hostess, Shoshanna Auberbach, and we've been
talking about reclaiming the lost parts of your inner child.
In this segment, we're going to learn more about the
roles that you played perhaps that created these situations for
you to have these lost parts. So before we move
(16:33):
on with some more information, I wanted to share two
pieces of artwork. When I've explored my issues through the
lens of the inner child, I get so much insight
into myself and as well as healing. So these are
two pieces of art that I created. The one on
(16:56):
the left is called Stifled because it's like, oh, I
can't speak my truth and you see a little tiny
lock on the lips. And when I made this piece
of art, that's exactly how I felt. I was going
through a lot of challenges at that time, and I
just I was so overwhelmed. I just I didn't have
(17:20):
the words for it, and that's I felt stifled. So
putting this image on paper helped me to project and
understand my feelings better, and then I can look at
it and say, wow, that's I'm feeling really uncomfortable with that,
(17:41):
and do some healing around that. And I did the
one on the image on the right I did just
a month before that. I was still going through this
period of overwhelmed distress, dealing with and coping with a
number of multiple traumas that had happened to me in
(18:03):
a very short period of time. And I don't know
if it's coming through, but you see question marks there,
and this piece is called why, like why is this happening?
Why is it happening now? Why all of these traumas? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
I didn't have any answers to the questions. That's God's department,
(18:28):
But I'm the one who's experiencing it, and I needed
a way, a constructive way to acknowledge and validate and
release those feelings so that I could process them. So
what was actually happening is I did not have the
words to say, I'm hurting, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost,
(18:50):
I'm confused, I feel betrayed. It wasn't there yet that
I needed to express these lost parts of my inner
child who is in distress at the time. So I
bring this love, life and wisdom to you because you
(19:11):
can heal as well. And that's what I'm here for
to help give you some tips and techniques and words
of encouragement. Let's move on the next line. So again,
why can't these parts speak up? Well? Sometimes there is
a fear of expressing oneself. There's a consequence of expressing oneself.
(19:34):
I'm going to create conflict in the relationship. She won't
love me anymore, I'll be alone. I'm afraid of being alone,
even though I am alone in this dysfunctional relationship. I'm
afraid of separation and abandonment. So sometimes I say, the
(19:55):
worst thing then being alone is wishing you were alone
or being alone together, and you're still alone. But sometimes
people have a fear of speaking up and creating conflict.
There are other reasons such as neediness, dependence versus resentment.
(20:22):
I depend on you to tell me who I am
and what to do and who to be, and I
resent you at the same time because I want to
be the man. I want to be the woman, and
I want to be the person. I want to be heard,
not controlled and directed. But I need you to direct
(20:42):
me because I can't do it for myself. This is
something that I came up with many many years ago,
again as a result of a situation I was in
at the time, and it's I think the first step
is to be aware of what's going on, Okay, feeling
(21:03):
It's a bad thing to get angry at your mother,
your father, your spouse, your boyfriend, girlfriend, your boss, or
somebody in a position of authority, Because how can I
be angry at the person I depend on If I'm
three years old and I depend on you for my validation,
my food, hugging me, making me feel safe, how can
(21:27):
I be angry at you? Although I am These are
things that need to be discussed in healing or professional
counseling session. People are also can't speak up because of
feeling inhibiit inhibited or the response to them speaking up
(21:52):
was humiliation. How dare you talk back to me? Oh
what do you mean by that? Oh? Stop whining? You
know there's some kind of put down or gas lighting.
So what's the use of me speaking up? This futility
involved here? There's or you're not allowed to You must
(22:15):
do as I say. I'm not must do as I
say and not. What's the other part of that, not,
I'm sorry, I don't remember off hnt not as I do?
There you go, thank you. It's very confusing for a
child because a child needs consistency. There's also the freeze response,
(22:39):
a tongue tiede and that creates what's called the bottleneck
of emotions, especially in the back of your brain. All
the nerves can't process the emotions at the same time,
so you get tongue tied like a traffic jam and
your nervous system. Sometimes you just don't know what to say.
(23:03):
You don't have the vocabulary, the feelings vocabulary, the words
you're used to feeling unprotected or stymy afraid to speak up.
What can help in this situation is looking at a
feelings chart. There are many of them out there in
(23:24):
books and on the internet, and sometimes this can just
give you an idea of what am I feeling and
what am I not feeling. Sometimes I'm talking it over
with a friend, I just don't know what to say
when he or she does this. So over the years
(23:45):
I've learned some really good one liners that have helped
me speak up and have the courage to say what
I need to say. It's a skill and it took
me many, many years, and that's what gives me the
right to sit in this chair and share my love
(24:05):
life and wisdom with you. Because everything that I put
out there is something I've been through myself. Sometimes there's
an awkwardness about speaking up or negative past experiences. That's
called also inhibition or aversion. And there's reality. These parts
(24:26):
do speak up, whether we're conscious of them or not.
Verbally and nonverbally. They come out as lashing out, passive
aggressive behavior, oppositional behavior, as somatic complaints such as neck ache, backache,
and digestion headaches. They do come out, but that's not
(24:46):
a constructive way. They can You can learn to speak
up and speak your truth confidently and constructively, not destructively.
So I invite you to look up by a website
at www dot Authentic Radiance dot life, and let's have
(25:09):
a talk about how I can help you. Let's move
on to the next lie place. So when we grow
up with these lost parts being suppressed and repressed not acknowledged,
we have unmet needs. So back to John Bradshaw and
(25:30):
his book The Homecoming. The primary motivating force in our
lives is emotion. Hyphenated E means out. Motion is moving,
so this is an energy. Our emotions are energies in motion,
and when they don't get moved out, they back up
(25:52):
and create conflict and distress as well as somatic complaints.
So he further quotes emotions or I quote emotions are
the fuel that moves us to defend ourselves and get
our basic needs met, because that's what we need, especially
(26:13):
as very young, dependent, vulnerable children. Some of these needs
include physical needs, food, clothing, shelter, bed, a chair, whatever,
Love and connection. I'm connected to, I feel safe with you.
I need you to protect me. I need to know
(26:33):
I'm being taken care of. I need to know that
I'm okay, that you love me, that I matter. So
there was a famous psychologist named doctor Abraham Maslow who
came up with this hierarchy of needs. This is very
well known in psychology. Beginning with the base of the
(26:56):
triangle physiological needs, and once these needs are satisfied, then
we can move up to the next level safety such
as security. Then when those needs are satisfied, we can
move up to the next one love belonging, followed by esteem,
(27:17):
self esteem, confidence, achievement, and then self actualization where we
have creativity, acceptance of facts, problem solving. We're just authentically ourselves.
So you can't be on the top of the triangle,
for example, if you are hungry or cold or too
cold rather or not feeling safe. So it's sequential. You
(27:43):
have to have the bottom layers satisfied before you can
go on to the next level. So when these needs
are not met again, they come out as dysfunctional behaviors.
So we're going to talk more about this in the
next please. They come out in dysfunctional ways such as frustration, futility, depression, anxiety, denial,
(28:12):
magical thinking, anger, violence, wishing harm, negative cognitions and beliefs
about the self and the world. Acting out, such as
abusing other people, oppositional behavior because people who are abused
often become abusers themselves, acting out on oneself, abusing oneself,
(28:33):
cutting oneself, taking substances, thinking negatively, self deprecation of oneself,
and bypassing oneself. My needs don't matter. I don't know
what they are so and they don't matter because nobody
told me that they matter when I was a kid.
So when we come back for the break. We're going
to discuss more about the roles that these unmet needs
(28:58):
came out in or out in as a role and
what you can do about them. So this has been
show Shanna Auberbach speaking to you live on Love, Light
and Wisdom and you're watching me live on Bold Brave
TV see n a few.
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Speaker 2 (31:22):
Welcome back, everybody. I'm Shoshana Aberbach, your hostess of Love,
Life and Wisdom, and you're watching me live on Bold
Brave TV. We've been talking about reclaiming the lost parts
of your inner child and what happens when you have
needs that are consistently unmet by dysfunctional caregivers. And now
(31:44):
we're going to go into the roles that people play,
whether it's by choice or they are assigned, in order
to have different kinds of expression of these unmet needs
and reclaim them. So there are five different trauma responses.
(32:07):
Trauma can be not only physical trauma. It can be abused,
it can be emotional distress, it could be war, it
could be violence. Whatever is traumatic. This is an individual thing.
What's traumatic for one person might not be for another person.
I believe it has to do with what I call wiring.
(32:29):
So there are five different responses, and this is important
and helping people understand themselves why they chose to flight
or fight, freeze, flop or fond Again. I think it
has to do with wiring and sensitivities. So I don't
(32:52):
want to spend too much time on this right now,
but I just wanted you to be aware that there
is such a thing. And in the mind of a
little child, they again want homeostasis, they want balance, so
they may overcompensate, overcompensate and put themselves or be assigned
(33:12):
a role to play out. This is what's really underneath.
I'm going to explain more as we go along in
the next slide. So let's talk some more about emotions
and unmet needs. Emotion is pre verbal, it doesn't have words.
(33:37):
Doctor Besil Vanderkok, who is a world famous expert on trauma,
says trauma is voiceless. Terror voiceless terror does not have words.
It's pre verbal, and many times when a person is traumatized,
even as an adult, they just don't have the words.
(33:59):
They lost their voice, They lost that part of themselves
that knows what they're feeling. They're speaking up because the
terror of part of your brain, the amignala, where terror
and anxiety process took over that thinking part of the brain.
And that's why when healing from trauma, it's important to
(34:22):
put back the words to reclaim the self. I can
speak up, I am somebody. I'm not disempowered because I
have my voice. So when we have these unmet needs
jumping forward a little bit, that's one reason why we
repeat the past. We're trying to get our needs met,
(34:44):
the need for love, connection, attention, validation, whatever it was,
we want to get it right.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
And this is.
Speaker 2 (34:54):
The basis of a Mongol relationship therapy. That we attract
the kind of person and that we have the same
unfinished business lurking in our unconscious, So we attract the
kind of person who caused or was playing out that
dysfunction when we were a kid. So, for example, a
(35:16):
woman grows up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family saw abuse.
Most likely she's going to attract as much as she
may not want to, a partner who is also abusive
or an alcoholic or has an addictive personality, because that's
what she's used to and she wants that part of
(35:37):
her psyche, wants to be get it right, to be healed,
to be in balance. So I'm going to read the
next sentence in two different ways. We get some of
the needs met by playing out roles. We get some
of those needs met for validation, security or the illusion
(35:57):
of safety and security. We think we get some of
the needs met by playing out dysfunctional roles. What does
that mean? Well, let's learn some more in the next
slide about roles roles in a family system and what
if you don't like or want your role. Roles have rules,
(36:22):
they have behavioral expectations. You're the oldest, you should know better.
For example, Right, you're the youngest, you you should be cute.
You're the leader, you should know what you're doing. Right.
Roles define how people interact with each other. Well, if
(36:43):
I'm the leader, I should be telling people what to
do and you should be listening. Right, That's what I
tell my students. When I'm in a classroom situation, somebody
has to be in charge. You might not like it,
but somebody has to be in charge, and that's me.
Or when I'm the student, the teacher is in charge,
(37:06):
so it's my role to prepare and teach. And for this,
when I'm the student, it's my role to listen. Roles
can be assigned by other people, whether that's consciously or not,
or assumed again consciously or not. Well, I got to
(37:28):
fill in. This happens a lot again. When a parent
is absent, either by death, illness, or by choice by abandonment,
somebody has to, you know, rise to the occasion and
fill in the shoes of that mother or father. Or
maybe there was the oldest child who left home for
whatever reason, so someone else has to step into those shoes.
(37:53):
Roles create balance in a family system, and this can
be negative or positive. This has to do with also
regulating tension in the family or the group, especially if
there's distress such as an absent parent. Again, for whatever reason,
even if it's for a so called good reason or
(38:15):
logical reason, somebody has to be the leader, the follower,
the class clown, the lost child, which we're going to
get into in a bit roles bill in gaps, meaning
as I mentioned, the hero rescues and it makes up
(38:36):
for deficits or what's missing in the functional parent. Right
moms in the hospital, So usually the oldest child steps
up and becomes the mother or figure or at least
a time. Roles can be functional or dysfunctional. That can
(38:58):
for example, one of the roles we're going to see
and either today or next week is the cynic the clown.
It dispels tension, but it also is a way of
avoiding the pain that a dysfunctional couple or dysfunctional family
(39:22):
might be facing. And lastly, roles shape a child's behavior
and influence the kind of adult the child grows up
to be. So what if you don't want or you
like your role, don't like your role. So again, these
things happen sometimes unconsciously, and we're not always aware of
(39:46):
what's happening as a child and sometimes as an adult.
But we can, with awareness learn to identify what's really
going on underneath these roles and what are the unmet
needs that hm that are being what are the met
(40:12):
needs right that are coming out in a dysfunctional way,
And you can heal this part of yourself. Maybe if
you're tired of being the leader, just step back for
and let Like a Greyhound bus if they had it,
they have a their slogan is leave the driving to us.
(40:32):
You know it's hard, it's hard, but you can do it. Okay,
let's go to the next line. Please. So these I'm
not sure what is the source of this, but I
came across it a number of years ago. If anybody
(40:54):
does find the source, please let me know. I like
to cite, you know, sources appropriate. So these are four
or more what I call maladaptive or adaptive in childhood
maladaptive in adulthood roles in dysfunctional families. This often happens when,
for example, and the family of an addict, children who
(41:19):
grow up like adult children of alcoholics. For example, there
is the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, and the
clown or the mascot, and we're going to go through
each one of these one at a time. I think
that we are going to maybe start with the hero
(41:42):
and then we will finish up this information and the
next program. Okay, so let's move on to the hero.
(42:02):
The hero, what's on the outside. They need to be perfect,
be in charge. They can't be wrong. They get positive
attention because they get good grades, they get awards, they
get a degree. I'm in charge, I'm okay, I'm thriving.
They look like they're thriving, but what you don't see
(42:25):
underneath is they have a fear of failing and feel
a fear of being over controlled, so they overcompensate for
that by being in control. Super vigilant, super attentive, perfectionistic.
What do they do for the family. They kind of
(42:45):
make things okay. They say everything is okay, things are
in charge, when things are in balance, things are stable.
When they are not well. Without help, they can and
the control freaks. But with help they can learn they
(43:06):
can be very successful and motivated people. So we're going
to talk more about the hero when we come back,
and how the hero can be healed. So this is
Showshanna Auberbach speaking to your life on Bold Brave TV,
and you're watching me on Love, Light and Wisdom. See
(43:27):
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Speaker 2 (45:33):
Welcome back, everybody. I'm Showshanna Auberbach, your Hostess of Love,
Light and Wisdom, and you're watching me live on Bold
Brave TV. We've been talking about roles and how they
fill unmet needs. In particular, the hero, the person who
needs to be in control, provides stability and overcompensates because
(45:56):
inside they don't feel stable. They need to rescue and
create stability so they can grow up to be very
successful people. Or they can grow up to be control
freaks and just always be fixing, fixing, fixing, and still
be very unhappy inside because their own needs are not
being met and they're being bypassed. So here are some suggestions.
(46:21):
If you can identify yourself or someone else as the hero, first,
have awareness. Are you needing to rescue and control and
create safety? Now this has a positive point to it,
a positive side to it, but if it's happening, this
(46:42):
is how you're spending most of your energy then at
something and feeling unhappy about it. I'm always the one
that has to fix and feeling resentful about it and
feeling drained by this role. It's important for us to
have awareness. I have a patient to who plays the hero,
(47:02):
and I have told her rescue yourself first. If you
need to rescue someone, rescue yourself first. Be the hero
for yourself first, and not to bypass your own needs unless,
of course, there's an emergency situation. Because your needs are
not getting met, which is making you unhappy, lighten up
(47:26):
and have some fun. This is the inner child that
didn't get to play. So light up and have some fun,
do something creative and playful. And I'm on the massage table,
for example, I think I'm the teacher, the presenter, and
the one who is in the healing, the directing, and
(47:50):
sometimes I need a break. So when I'm on that
massage table, like the hero, I just click in my brain.
I am in receiving mode. I'm not directing, I'm not
controlling the show. I don't always want to. I need
a break. I am in receiving mode. I am nurturing myself.
(48:11):
I am caring for myself. I deserve this, and this
is what I need for balance. I'm also putting myself
back in my body because all that energy goes up
to your opera chakras in the head controlling directing, and
the energy in your lower body. Your lower chakras is frozen.
(48:32):
So this creates balance. Take a step back and leave
the driving to us, perhaps even challenge yourself to be
the audience, the guest, and the student. So this is
the role of the hero, something I know very well actually,
(48:53):
and that's how I can bring this wisdom to you.
Let's go to slide thirty one please, and this is
the emotion code chart which has helped me dealing with
my role as the hero when I was growing up.
So I'm just going to give you a very brief
(49:14):
demonstration of it. I'm just going to do some muscle testings. Yes,
give me a know. What is one emotion I can
release right now about my resentment about being the hero?
Come A yes? I wrote yes, I'll row one. Yes.
(49:38):
Lost Okay, that need to be the hero came out
of the feeling of a trapped emotion of lost when
I was ten nine eight seven six five four three.
It got stuck in my heart. Yes, so it involved
a particular family situation and with God's help, I'm going
(50:02):
to now release this by swiping over the top of
my head. And again, if you want more information about
the emotion code, you can look up my other shows
or give me or look me up on my website
www dot Authentic radiance dot life. How much is this
bothering me right now? Ten nine eight seven six of
(50:23):
all the healing that I've done on myself is still
operating in the back of my mind is a six.
Let's see what happens when I release it. Swiping over
the governing meridian about five times. Take a deep breath. Okay,
is there something else I can release right now? Yeah?
(50:45):
I feel a little lighter. Come a. I wrote even
wrote two. Yes, anxiety, so this needs to be the
hero came out of a trapped emotion of anxiety because
I needed stability at that time. I got trapped in
(51:05):
my spleen. Yes, the same thing. So I'm going to
ask God to help me release this anxiety from my
spleen at age three. Okay, I do feel a little lighter,
(51:26):
and if we had more time, I would continue until
as many trapped emotions as my body can slightly the release.
And I just wanted to give you a little taste
of the emotion code. And has this changed for me?
It's now ten nine eight seven six five. Just releasing
two trapped emotions, I have knocked that down one number
(51:52):
on the distress scale. So imagine if I did more
of this in a full session. Hopefully we want to
get it down as close to a zero as possible.
So that's a little taste of the emotion code. Releasing
trapped emotions full screen please, So I hope that the
(52:17):
information that I've presented to you today about roles and
the inner child and unmet needs and using the emotion
code can help you better understand yourself or perhaps people
you know and help them heal because you are never
too old to have a happy childhood. And I hope
(52:38):
that this love, Light and wisdom that I've shared with
you today will put you on the road to recovery
and leading a happier and healthier life. This has been
Shoshana Auberbach speaking to you live on Bold Grade TV.
Love Light and Wisdom. We will continue in this series
next time discussing the other role. We're going to be
(53:01):
taking a break for the holiday for about two weeks,
so you will if you're watching this program in a series,
we will have reruns playing while I'm off, and then
we will come back and resume a discussion about those
roles and how you can heal from them, whether you
like them or not. Okay, have a good week, everybody,
(53:24):
Shaloman blessings by.
Speaker 1 (53:25):
For now, this has been love, Light and Wisdom with
your host Shashwa. Shashawa's proven approach takes the guesswork out
of healing with user friendly techniques that resonate deeply with
her clients. Tune in to Love Light and Wisdom Mondays
(53:47):
at ten am Eastern to hear Shashana discuss her techniques
and learn how to apply them in your own life.
Be you, be happy, Believe music. Excerpt from I Carry
You in My Heart Forever by Shoshana Offerbach, copyright twenty
twenty four. All rights reserved.
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