Lux Radio Theatre - Grand Dutchess And The Waiter

A high-budget anthology series adapting major films and stage plays for radio, often with the original Hollywood stars. It brought cinematic drama into living rooms weekly.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Robert Montgomery and Alyssa Landy in the Grand Duchess and
the Waiter with Jean Lockhart and Alma Cruger. LUTs Presents
Hollywood Our starves Robert Montgomery, Elissa Landy, Jeen Lockhart, Alma

(00:24):
Cruger and lionel Pate. Our guests Vince Barnett and Natalie Bucknell.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Our producer Cecil B.

Speaker 1 (00:31):
De Mille, our conductor Louis silvers On behalf of our sponsors.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
The makers of lups Blakes.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Welcome everyone to another hour in Hollywood.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
Attention, housewives. Here are three points to bear in mind.

Speaker 3 (00:52):
For close protection. Lucks Blakes cut.

Speaker 1 (00:54):
Down runs in silk stockings by preserving the elasticity of
the threads they keep your clothes.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Are you looking so much longer? By doing away with
harsh cake soap rubbing?

Speaker 1 (01:04):
Lux Flakes are so gentle that we include even your
daintiest lingerie in saying anything safe in water alone is
safe in Lux. Tryal Lux tomorrow and now the producer
of the Lux Radio Theater, Ladies and gentlemen, mister Cecil B.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
Demill.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen, by birth and circumstance
to night stars.

Speaker 3 (01:33):
Are well equipped to play the parts of a noble
woman and a waiter.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
Alyssa Landy happens to be the daughter of a countess,
while Robert Montgomery proved his ability to wait by waiting
nine years before fame and fortune came to him in Hollywood.
Both are under contract to MGM. Bob left a job
as a deckhand on an oil tanker to play tank
towns and stock companies. He wrote for a while in
Greenwich Village, but preferring three meals a day to art,

(02:00):
went to Auto Khan for advice and alone. He got
the advice.

Speaker 3 (02:05):
Once on Broadway, However, Bob's ability was quickly recognized.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
He turned down silent picture offers, but turned westward when
talkies arrived. Off the screen, Bob's as serious as he's
carefully on it. He's President of the Screen Actors Guild,
an avid reader, an amateur farmer, and enjoys driving fast
cars and hard bargains. In spare moments, he writes stories
and carries on a perpetual game of Backammon with Frank Morgan.

(02:32):
After months of playing, he and Frank each insists the
other owes.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
Him nine dollars.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
I first became acquainted with a list of Lander's remarkable
talents when I engaged at the Star with Frederick marsh
and the Sign of the Cross. Not only an accomplished actress,
a Lister is the author of five novels, considerable.

Speaker 3 (02:51):
Poetry, and a play now pending production in New York.

Speaker 2 (02:55):
She's a singer and pianist.

Speaker 1 (02:57):
And knowing several languages, has made pay which is in France,
Germany and Sweden. Born in Italy, she's heard tonight as
the Grand Duchess Zania when we first meet in a
Swiss hotel, all in all a woman of the world.

Speaker 3 (03:12):
As the waiter, Robert Montgomery bears a.

Speaker 2 (03:14):
Tray in his hands, a.

Speaker 3 (03:16):
Napkin over his left.

Speaker 1 (03:17):
Arm, and the name of Albert. And with these nutshell introductions,
the curtain rises on the Luxe Radio Theater presentation of
Alfred Savoir's Commode, The Grand Duchess and the Waiter, starring
Robert Montgomery and Alyssa Landy with Jean Lockhart and al Mkrueger.

(03:52):
Our scene is the lounge room of the Palace Hotel
at Mantra, Switzerland. It's early evenings, and except for the
presence of Albert the Waiter, the room is deserted. Albert,
a Tad in a brass buttoned waiter's coat and stiff
bosom shirt, is slumped comfortably in an armchair, idly brought
blowing rings of smoke at the ceiling. Mattad, the hotel manager,

(04:15):
enters the lounge. He says, Albert, stop shot, and then
stands watching him.

Speaker 3 (04:20):
With elder sguised irritation.

Speaker 4 (04:23):
Well, good evening, Albert, Hello, quite comfortable?

Speaker 5 (04:27):
If oh got everything you require?

Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yes, thank you. As a draft, though you might shut
that door, shut.

Speaker 4 (04:32):
The door, you must be mad, mad or insane.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
I don't know which.

Speaker 4 (04:38):
A fine waiter I've been landed with sitting in the
lounge room. And what's that you're smoking that?

Speaker 3 (04:44):
Oh that's the cigar?

Speaker 5 (04:46):
Why a cigar?

Speaker 4 (04:48):
You picked him up in the gutter?

Speaker 2 (04:49):
I suppose no.

Speaker 4 (04:49):
None As a rule, Well that's what you'll be doing
soon enough. If you don't look out, you don't have
to have a match on you do him? Get out
of that chair, get up, I.

Speaker 2 (04:56):
Say, well, if you insist to.

Speaker 4 (04:59):
Julie, realize that this is the first time.

Speaker 3 (05:01):
In the history of this hotel that any of.

Speaker 4 (05:04):
Its staff, and a mere waiter too, has dared to
sit in the loud No, sir, why I wouldn't sit
here myself.

Speaker 5 (05:11):
Even though I am the manager. I know my place.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
What are you doing here? Just thinking? Thinking? Dreaming?

Speaker 5 (05:19):
Yes, that's it, dreaming.

Speaker 2 (05:19):
How did you know?

Speaker 5 (05:20):
Well, you're going to have.

Speaker 4 (05:21):
A rude awakening, young man, the next thing, you know.

Speaker 3 (05:23):
That's so, That is so.

Speaker 4 (05:25):
It was only on mister Hopwood's recommendation.

Speaker 2 (05:27):
That I employed you at all.

Speaker 4 (05:29):
But when he hears how you've been behaving, Oh, you're
gonna snatch eh. But what do you mean snitch? I said,
I'm going to tell you that's.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
What I thought you said to be quiet.

Speaker 4 (05:38):
Of all the hotels that mister Hapwood supervises, he sends
you to this one.

Speaker 3 (05:43):
But wait, just wait, all right, I will. But what
have I done wrong?

Speaker 2 (05:46):
What have you done right?

Speaker 4 (05:48):
That's what I want to know.

Speaker 2 (05:49):
Well, I haven't had much experience talk nonsense.

Speaker 4 (05:51):
It is an experience that counts in our profession.

Speaker 2 (05:55):
It's instinct, instant.

Speaker 1 (05:57):
Oh yeah, Now, how many tips have you had during
the last Tell me that?

Speaker 5 (06:00):
Well? As a matter of fact, I'm not one.

Speaker 4 (06:03):
I've thought it much. Oh you're of no use at all.

Speaker 2 (06:07):
Isn't my fault that people forget to tip me.

Speaker 5 (06:09):
But your fault. Why, of course it is.

Speaker 4 (06:12):
Nobody's going to tip you unless you insist upon it.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
How on earth can I insist upon it?

Speaker 4 (06:16):
Quite easily? You have finished serving?

Speaker 5 (06:19):
Do you leave?

Speaker 3 (06:20):
No?

Speaker 2 (06:20):
No, you say, will let be all? Monsieur? If it
didn't quite satisfactory, monsieur? I see, and then I hold
out my hands.

Speaker 5 (06:29):
Oh no, you don't have to.

Speaker 4 (06:32):
It's merely a question of the will, strength of character,
the power of.

Speaker 3 (06:37):
The human No. No, it wouldn't work if I tried it,
And it would if you had any.

Speaker 4 (06:41):
Brains, any tact Oh, but you'll never learn. The perfect
waiter is Bob, not me.

Speaker 5 (06:48):
I thought I was getting pretty good at the waiting
part of it.

Speaker 4 (06:50):
You're lamentable, absolutely lamentable. Directly a crisis arises, you're done. Yes, Now,
when you're waiting on our ordinary clients, you do manage
to go some sort of sure, Yes, that's what I thought.
When it's something unusual, Why you.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Lose your head completely?

Speaker 4 (07:06):
Now, what happens when you serve vegetables at the Grand
Duke's table? You tremble all over at your knees.

Speaker 3 (07:13):
Knock together so loudly.

Speaker 4 (07:14):
It could be heard in the next room. And tonight
at dinner you dropped and spilled the melted butter down
the Grand Duchess's back.

Speaker 2 (07:23):
All did I do that?

Speaker 4 (07:24):
It must have slipped You slipped, yes, and you were
in such a daze that I don't believe you even
noticed it. But you must have.

Speaker 5 (07:32):
Burnt her Highness badly, burnt her. Good Lord, I must
have looked like.

Speaker 4 (07:36):
A half with you exaggerate by fifty per saises.

Speaker 5 (07:39):
Have sure right?

Speaker 2 (07:41):
The granddaughters can never care for a quarterwak.

Speaker 4 (07:43):
Care the what are you talking about?

Speaker 3 (07:46):
What is the Grand Duchess?

Speaker 2 (07:47):
She has been calling for a way time?

Speaker 5 (07:48):
Where is she in?

Speaker 4 (07:49):
The private line will come?

Speaker 5 (07:51):
And the two grand due you send Louis, send on.
I've been looking for the monsieur.

Speaker 2 (07:54):
But Louis is all for.

Speaker 4 (07:55):
Why did I ever become the manager of a hotel Albert.

Speaker 5 (07:59):
You'll have to go now quick.

Speaker 2 (08:00):
I'm on my wife.

Speaker 5 (08:01):
What Kevin's sake, don't spill anything. Come in.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
Good evening, your highness. What is it you asked for
a waiter that was ten minutes?

Speaker 5 (08:15):
Never mind our coffee for four and one brand.

Speaker 6 (08:18):
One brandy too brandy.

Speaker 5 (08:21):
Coffee for four and go on go on.

Speaker 6 (08:23):
Yes, your highness, you would order a brandy.

Speaker 2 (08:28):
Uncle Paul might jud go, why not?

Speaker 5 (08:30):
Haven't I just.

Speaker 6 (08:31):
Been telling you, all of you that we're in desperate financial.

Speaker 5 (08:33):
Straight But you say it's just two brandies.

Speaker 3 (08:35):
It can't be as bad as that.

Speaker 6 (08:37):
Oh, but it is, Peter, What do you think we've
been living on? We haven't paid a bill for two months.
But I'm sure the manager trusts us, Your Highness, of
course he does. But what's going to happen when.

Speaker 5 (08:45):
He presents his bill?

Speaker 1 (08:46):
Well, I suggest that we worry about that when the
time comes.

Speaker 6 (08:51):
I'm not worrying, Peter. I'm merely advising all of you.
But our funds are very low. And you may be
a grand duke, Peter, you too, Uncle Paul, but even
grand dukes must dine occasionally.

Speaker 5 (09:00):
But your Highness, the jewels are they all gone?

Speaker 6 (09:03):
You've only got to look at me to see. For
a year and a half after the Revolution, we lived
on what I wore on my fingers. My wrists proved
enough for the.

Speaker 5 (09:10):
Next two years. After that, my ears.

Speaker 6 (09:13):
Kept us going for another six months.

Speaker 5 (09:15):
The day there's nothing left but my neck your necklace. No,
your highness, you can't tell that.

Speaker 6 (09:19):
Ah, the empress necklace, Peter stopped speculating, the only thing
we have left impossible.

Speaker 5 (09:25):
I absolutely forbid it.

Speaker 1 (09:27):
While it was only your rings, tiara and bracelets, I
raised no objection. Those trinkets I should be able to replace.

Speaker 5 (09:33):
Some day someday.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
Well, yes, and very soon too, I hope. But the
imperial necklace that's quite a different met altogether white, irreplaceable, unique.

Speaker 2 (09:42):
I entirely agree, Paul.

Speaker 1 (09:44):
You know, Zany, it's always been a family arrangement, as
they will of the late Emperor, that someday you and.

Speaker 3 (09:49):
I should get married someday.

Speaker 5 (09:51):
Eh.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
Well, I'm speaking therefore with the authority of your future
husband when I forbid you to sell that necklace.

Speaker 5 (09:57):
We haven't sunk to.

Speaker 1 (09:58):
That yet, my poor Peter, and I may add that,
as far as I am concerned, you needn't bother.

Speaker 2 (10:02):
I'm earning my own living, you.

Speaker 5 (10:04):
Earning your living.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
You be to saying that you're at work, Yes, I'm well,
it's not work exactly, it's more what you might call
a business. It's like this, I buy an automobile on credit,
you see, and then I sell it again a little
cheaper for okay?

Speaker 5 (10:17):
Is that all that's all.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
But as I've managed to do it four times during
the last month, I've made a profit of nearly two
hundred thousand francs two hundred How what earth should you
get such a wonderflight here?

Speaker 2 (10:29):
I don't know, just came to me. Why it's an inspiration?

Speaker 5 (10:32):
You flatten me, Uncle Paul. No, I only say what
I think.

Speaker 1 (10:35):
Yes, there's no doubts, and men of our class possess
a sort of innate superiority over.

Speaker 2 (10:41):
Ordinary people, and we can't help showing.

Speaker 1 (10:43):
It, even when we forsake our own sphere to engage
in a.

Speaker 5 (10:46):
Vulgusting like trade term How much of that two hundred
thousand francs have you got less? Oh? Well, as a
matter of fact, just for the moment, nothing at all.
That charming lady of the chorus whom you see so much?

Speaker 2 (10:59):
What charming?

Speaker 7 (11:00):
How did you know?

Speaker 6 (11:01):
Everybody knows she's taking everything from you. I understand even
your diamond study. Really, Peter's a future husband. You have
some qualities that are not altogether attractive. You're not jealous,
but let me give you a word of advice. Try
wearing bone studs in the future.

Speaker 5 (11:16):
And perhaps you'll be able to keep also asked you
not to meddle in my affairs.

Speaker 6 (11:21):
I do what I do because it's my duty. Do
you believe me when I say that at harder? Well,
I should have preferred you wouldn't understand?

Speaker 3 (11:30):
Infraid I don't come in.

Speaker 6 (11:34):
The coffee, Your highness will go stand there holding it
up in the air.

Speaker 5 (11:37):
Put it down, Yes, your highness, nothing's filled. Are you
in the habit of setting down trees?

Speaker 2 (11:45):
And I'm so sorry, your highness? It slipped a little
slip slip.

Speaker 5 (11:49):
And the table too.

Speaker 2 (11:49):
It's a bad table to serve on. You see downstairs,
the tables are lower. They're at least two inches difference,
Your highness. Oh well that's explained.

Speaker 5 (11:55):
Oh what has that got to do it?

Speaker 2 (11:56):
Well, a great deal, your highness. When one is used
to serving on a low table and suddenly encounters a
height table, the impulses to let.

Speaker 5 (12:01):
The trade down to the heights of the low table. Well,
well that's what I did. Get out.

Speaker 6 (12:05):
Wait a minute, aren't you the same waiter who pulled
the melted butter down my back at dinner?

Speaker 2 (12:10):
Yes, your highness, that was I You seemed proud of it.
Oh no, just please that your Highness, remembers me get out, Yes,
your highness? Uh? Is there a will that be all?

Speaker 5 (12:25):
Your highness?

Speaker 8 (12:26):
What?

Speaker 3 (12:27):
Uh is?

Speaker 4 (12:28):
Is everything quite satisfactory?

Speaker 2 (12:31):
Your highness?

Speaker 8 (12:31):
No?

Speaker 2 (12:32):
Oh? I told the manager it wouldn't work if I
tried it.

Speaker 5 (12:38):
What did he say?

Speaker 2 (12:40):
We ought to do something about it.

Speaker 6 (12:43):
We will remind me in the morning to speak of
the manager. We'll have him discharged before breakfast.

Speaker 3 (12:56):
Albert, Uh huh?

Speaker 2 (12:58):
What are you doing polishing the silver? Where you can stop?

Speaker 5 (13:02):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (13:03):
Thank you?

Speaker 5 (13:04):
You're discharged?

Speaker 3 (13:05):
What are you deaf?

Speaker 2 (13:07):
You're discharge? Have you written to mister hatgood already? I
don't have to.

Speaker 4 (13:10):
Write to him. I'm discharging you at the request of
the Grand Duchess Zania.

Speaker 5 (13:14):
I refuse to offer my resignation. Resignation?

Speaker 2 (13:19):
Are you crazy? You're through your finish?

Speaker 5 (13:22):
Pack your bag and get out?

Speaker 2 (13:23):
Where is a highness? Oh?

Speaker 5 (13:24):
It won't do you any good to appeal to her.
Get away from Matt Paul.

Speaker 2 (13:28):
Hello, connect me with the Grand Dutchy's sweet soft? Do
you hear when I stopped pushing? Will you? I'm going
to ask her myself.

Speaker 6 (13:40):
Yes, this is the Countess of Valos, Albert, who not
Prince Albert of Latvonia.

Speaker 5 (13:48):
But Albert the wait, how dare you? Who is that proscova?

Speaker 6 (13:55):
No one, your highness, good, I'm in no mood to
speak to anyone this morning.

Speaker 5 (14:00):
Uh, your Highness, is.

Speaker 6 (14:02):
Said strangely enough. No, now that I've at last decided
to part.

Speaker 5 (14:06):
With the necklace, I'll feel a sense of relief. After all,
What does it matter? What does anything matter?

Speaker 1 (14:11):
Now?

Speaker 5 (14:11):
Is Peter been here this morning? Yes, your highness, he
left immediately. He's gone to speak to the jeweler. You
take the necklace with him? And no, your Hannahs is
there in the jewel box.

Speaker 6 (14:21):
I suppose Peter will hale for a week or two
about the price, Your highness. Don't you think you should
keep the necklace in the hotel safe?

Speaker 5 (14:29):
Don't be silly, but he's worth a.

Speaker 6 (14:30):
Fortune, and with so many robberies, they won't rob the
Grand Duchess Daniel. Let that be enough, Yes, your highness, Well,
I shall want the card for today counters.

Speaker 5 (14:39):
A ride would be good for me, A walk would
be better, Your highness. What the chauffeur gave notice last night?
He's gone? All right? Money go a fool. He should
have waited till I sell the necklace. Well, we shall
get someone else.

Speaker 3 (14:55):
Who is it?

Speaker 2 (14:56):
It's Albert.

Speaker 5 (14:57):
You get out of here at one moment clear, I
thought you would just charge I was, your Highness.

Speaker 2 (15:02):
But you needn't be alarmed. I won't upset anything. I
won't break anything or spill anything. You see, I have
nothing in my hands except a napkin, This useless and.

Speaker 3 (15:09):
Perfectly hateful napkin.

Speaker 5 (15:10):
And why is it hateful?

Speaker 2 (15:11):
Because it's a symbol of my lowly station, Your Highness,
it weighs a ton.

Speaker 5 (15:14):
Why don't you put it in your pocket?

Speaker 2 (15:16):
You don't mind?

Speaker 5 (15:17):
Thank you there. I feel better already, Your Highness.

Speaker 2 (15:21):
What an extraordinary way.

Speaker 3 (15:23):
I'm glad I am able to make you laugh.

Speaker 2 (15:25):
I know how little gety there is in your Highness's life.
Oh have I said too much?

Speaker 6 (15:29):
It would appear though your Swiss believe too much in democracy?

Speaker 2 (15:32):
Swiss? No, not me. I'm an American.

Speaker 5 (15:34):
Really, what's an American way to doing in a Swiss hotel?
But it's a long story, your Highness.

Speaker 6 (15:39):
Then we shan't bother with it.

Speaker 5 (15:41):
Very good, your Highness?

Speaker 2 (15:42):
But might I be allowed to ask your Highness a question?

Speaker 8 (15:44):
No?

Speaker 6 (15:45):
Understand?

Speaker 5 (15:45):
Whatever your name is, Albert, Your Highness understand Albert.

Speaker 6 (15:48):
Etiquette does not permit me to be asked a question
that must.

Speaker 2 (15:51):
Be rather a handicapped a general conversation. Well, I promise
not to ask any questions. But I have a request
to make to your Highness A humble, a very humble petition.

Speaker 5 (16:00):
Impossible.

Speaker 6 (16:01):
All petitions must first be addressed to Countess Avalas, my
lady in waiting. It is for her to decide whether
this should be passed on to me.

Speaker 5 (16:07):
I see, Countess Avalov, I beg of you.

Speaker 2 (16:10):
I beseech you to convey my petition to her Highness.

Speaker 6 (16:13):
It depends on what it is, whether I think it's suitable.

Speaker 2 (16:16):
I admit that I'm not a very experienced waiter. I'm clumsy.
I know I lose my head when I pass the asparagus.

Speaker 5 (16:22):
Yes, go on, we know about that.

Speaker 2 (16:24):
But is that sufficient reason to blight my young career,
to nip it in the bus? I shall improve in time,
I know I shall. And even if I haven't any
of the qualities necessary to a good waiter, I may
possess other virtues unsuspected, hidden away, which are just as admirable.

Speaker 3 (16:37):
Is it not so?

Speaker 5 (16:38):
It's hidden?

Speaker 2 (16:39):
Undoubtedly, Countessavalav, I am devoted to her Highness? What in
a nice way? I am devoted to her with a loyalty,
with a passion that marks.

Speaker 7 (16:47):
The power of words.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
All that I ask is to be allowed to serve
her with the last breath in my body, with the
last drop of my blood, in her Highness's service.

Speaker 2 (16:54):
I should live in ecstasy. I should die content that
Countess avalav is thet I beg you to lay at
the feet of her Highness?

Speaker 6 (17:03):
Is that all?

Speaker 2 (17:05):
That's all?

Speaker 6 (17:06):
And if used to forward your petition you refuse. It's
already in the waste basket. Countessa, your Highness.

Speaker 5 (17:13):
Forward the man's petition.

Speaker 6 (17:14):
It's it is your highness wish, it's my command.

Speaker 5 (17:18):
You may go out, Thank you, your highness.

Speaker 6 (17:23):
Chopenhauer was evidently right. Oooh, your highness Chottenhauer, the German philosopher.
He said that monarchy was the form of rule most
natural to mankind. The common people, in their hearts were
still loyal to their rulers. And when we find a
man like that, a mere winter, who can express himself
on the subject with so much eloquence, so much obvious sincerity,

(17:44):
how can we doubt that some day our people will
return to a reasonable form of government. Nothing is more certain,
your Highness. I'm glad I told the managers that it's charging.
Now I can find something for him to do in
my own household, what he might even act as my chauffeur.
We need one, as your Highness wishes. Your Highness commands,
and of course I can only obey. What's the matter

(18:05):
of you anything against him? No, your Highness, nothing, nothing.
I merely ask if your Highness is.

Speaker 5 (18:13):
Certain she is not making a mistake a mistake?

Speaker 6 (18:16):
Is that waiter really the devoted monarchist that your Highness
seems to imagine?

Speaker 5 (18:21):
You're absurd? You see spies everywhere.

Speaker 6 (18:23):
I don't for a moment suggested Albert's spy, but.

Speaker 5 (18:27):
I think he maybe is.

Speaker 6 (18:29):
Well, we'll go on, but it is altogether impossible.

Speaker 5 (18:34):
The man may be in love, in love with whom
with with your Highness, Gotskovia, it's a long time since
I boxed your ill.

Speaker 6 (18:44):
Your Highness, you're mad, absolutely mad, Yes, your Highness, there
can't be anybody so idiotic, because you, and the whole
terrible times we've been through of up such your mental balance.
The whole work's gone mad, I know. But even so,
there must be some limits to its follow There are
a few things left that one may still regardless them. Ah, yes,
you're certain this wait in love with me? How dare
you imagine such a thing?

Speaker 5 (19:05):
I don't know you much now explain ourselves, really I can.
But will you see? Yeah, the last week he's certainly
been been making.

Speaker 6 (19:15):
Eyes at your Highness, making eyes at me from stovey.
I'll leave the room at once, and don't say I'll
come back until my temp has had time.

Speaker 5 (19:22):
To cool down.

Speaker 9 (19:23):
Yes, your Highness, yes, MyDD oh, my dad?

Speaker 8 (19:40):
What do you do?

Speaker 2 (19:41):
Come out in the driveway a minute? Will you? What
do you mean by jelly?

Speaker 3 (19:45):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (19:46):
So it's you. Will you tell her Highness her cars here?

Speaker 3 (19:49):
You are working for her now?

Speaker 7 (19:50):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (19:51):
Well you fired me? Tell her William?

Speaker 5 (19:53):
Tell her yourself.

Speaker 6 (19:54):
She's coming now, Your Highness, I asked you to be
here at I'm.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
So sorry, your Highness. There wasn't any gasoline in the car.

Speaker 5 (20:04):
Oh are you put them in?

Speaker 2 (20:06):
I hope yes, Your Highness.

Speaker 6 (20:07):
Remind me to reinverse you at the end of the month.

Speaker 2 (20:11):
Where to your Highness anywhere?

Speaker 6 (20:13):
But before we start, I hope you're better at driving
than you.

Speaker 5 (20:15):
Are at serving your Highness will be amazed.

Speaker 2 (20:20):
I hope so serving your Highness. I admitted that I
was totally inexperience, really, but behind the wheel, I'm a
new person. I understand automobile.

Speaker 5 (20:27):
I admire your confidence.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
You've been driving long ten years, your Highness, without an
accident of any kind.

Speaker 5 (20:32):
End of a record of what it might help if
you turned on the.

Speaker 2 (20:36):
Switch, Your Highness. Did you say anywhere, your Highness?

Speaker 5 (20:45):
Anywhere? All I want to do is relax and great
pressure as to go slowly.

Speaker 2 (20:48):
It will be a pleasure to serve your Highness, a
great pleasure.

Speaker 5 (20:51):
You. Yeah, what are you doing? Stop? Stop?

Speaker 7 (20:56):
There's something wrong, old you.

Speaker 5 (21:02):
Look what you've done?

Speaker 9 (21:03):
Look at the car?

Speaker 5 (21:04):
Well, what have you got to say?

Speaker 2 (21:06):
I'm so sorry, your Highness. Something must have slipped again.

Speaker 1 (21:28):
Before we go on with the Lux Radio Theater's presentation
of The Grand Duchess and the Waiter, let's stop in
at one of Hollywood's department stores. It's closing time and
Lola and Irene, two salesgirls in the Corset department, are
totaling their sales.

Speaker 2 (21:41):
For the day.

Speaker 5 (21:43):
Haven't you finished adding that yet? Lola four and three
or seven from one or eight and four? Twelve.

Speaker 10 (21:51):
There, that's what I call a record over one hundred
and twelve dollars one day, over one hundred and twelve dollars.

Speaker 5 (21:56):
How do you do it? What's the help of luck? Luck?

Speaker 10 (22:00):
Still love, of course not silly. But you can't wear
a girdle and lucks it at the same time. You
need at least too if.

Speaker 6 (22:06):
Your to take proper care of them naturally, But then
you spend twice as much.

Speaker 5 (22:10):
Shall you explain that to your customer? Ah, that's easy.
Une too is so much more economical in the long run.
When you luck the oftener, they actually last longer.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
Lola's right. Alert women are discovering for themselves the economy
of lux care for girdles and foundations. Frequent luxing not
only keeps them fresh and protects their fit, but actually
prolongs their wear. These fine tissue like flakes preserve elasticity.
You know they dissolve quickly in cool water. Hot water
is bad for elastic fabries. Salts containing harmful alkali weaken elasticity.

(22:44):
Lux has no harmful alkali. Anything safe in water alone
is safe in lux Remember to get a box tomorrow.
As you know these gentle flakes preserve the life and
luster of all your dainty things. And now mister de Mill,
with Alyssa Lande as the Grand Duchess, Robert Montgomery as
the waiter, and an all star cast, we continue our play.

(23:11):
After wrecking the automobile, Albert was given another chance in
our highness service, but not behind the wheel. He's been
reduced to the position of footman and general handyman, bearing
it with.

Speaker 2 (23:22):
More than goodwill in order to be near the Duchess.

Speaker 1 (23:25):
It's a week later, and in his royal employer's suite,
Albert is very carefully serving breakfast to her Highness and
the Grand Duke Paul.

Speaker 2 (23:36):
Of how many lumps, johighness?

Speaker 6 (23:38):
And if you spill anything, I'll have you flogged.

Speaker 3 (23:40):
It's very good, Johannes, I have mine black yes.

Speaker 1 (23:43):
Jigns Well, last first pieces are again this morning, Xenio.

Speaker 5 (23:47):
He's out everyone.

Speaker 3 (23:48):
I can't understand.

Speaker 2 (23:50):
He's been heading for a week for that lasted journey,
Uncle Paul.

Speaker 5 (23:54):
What, Oh, yes, you may go, Martin, Martin, I said
you may go.

Speaker 2 (24:00):
The name is Albert Rhignas.

Speaker 6 (24:01):
I prefer to call you Martin avoid confusion with the
Prince of Latvonia.

Speaker 2 (24:05):
Oh, your Highness flattersmill.

Speaker 5 (24:06):
No mind that, run along? Wait answer that?

Speaker 2 (24:09):
Yes, your highness, Hello, hello Martin speaking Martin, Your highness?

Speaker 5 (24:15):
Who is it?

Speaker 2 (24:16):
The Grand Duke Peter? Hello, your Highness, yes Martin. No, no,
your Highness Albert is no longer here, This is Martin.

Speaker 5 (24:24):
Give me that phone. Yes, your highness, Hello Peter, what
do you want?

Speaker 8 (24:32):
What?

Speaker 2 (24:34):
What?

Speaker 6 (24:36):
Well?

Speaker 5 (24:36):
Where are you?

Speaker 1 (24:37):
Oh Peter, sya, what is it?

Speaker 10 (24:39):
But Peter?

Speaker 5 (24:40):
They can't do that? Oh, oh, I see, I see, Senior,
for a love of heaven? What speet louder? Yes, yes,
of course, for very well, Senior. What is the matter?
The Grand Duke Peter's in jail? What in jail?

Speaker 1 (24:58):
But what for?

Speaker 8 (24:59):
He?

Speaker 5 (24:59):
So too many more your cause on credit?

Speaker 9 (25:01):
Good lord?

Speaker 10 (25:01):
I you aren't?

Speaker 8 (25:03):
You know?

Speaker 3 (25:03):
This scheme is too good?

Speaker 2 (25:04):
And what are we going to do too?

Speaker 1 (25:05):
Too well?

Speaker 2 (25:06):
What is the word?

Speaker 5 (25:06):
I don't?

Speaker 2 (25:07):
If I may speak, your Highness well, under the circumstances,
the best possible course of action is to bail him out.

Speaker 5 (25:14):
Oh yeah, yes, certain name.

Speaker 2 (25:15):
Yes, yes, of course we are. If your Highness will
leave it in my hands.

Speaker 5 (25:19):
Oh of course, thank you Martin. I'll see the authority
and Martin, Yes, your.

Speaker 6 (25:24):
Highness remind me to reimburse you at the end of
the month.

Speaker 5 (25:28):
Yes, your Highness.

Speaker 6 (25:46):
Albert Albert, why don't.

Speaker 5 (25:49):
You answer me?

Speaker 2 (25:50):
The name is Martin.

Speaker 5 (25:51):
Her Highness changed it. If you see your Highness Bartol,
you're the maid here Henrietta, not me?

Speaker 6 (25:56):
Really really, then what are you doing in her highness room?

Speaker 2 (26:00):
Don't be saucy. It doesn't become you.

Speaker 5 (26:01):
I'm here because she told me to come here. Oh,
she's getting awfully friendly with you, isn't she.

Speaker 2 (26:05):
She doesn't know I exist?

Speaker 5 (26:06):
Oh, yes she does.

Speaker 6 (26:07):
Ever since you got the Grand Peter out of jail,
who become her little pride and joy.

Speaker 2 (26:10):
I don't have to get so upset about it.

Speaker 6 (26:12):
I'm not. But every time she wants anything, she calls you.
And even if she doesn't want anything, she thinks up
to something.

Speaker 5 (26:17):
That wants or you have an excuse to call you.

Speaker 2 (26:18):
Are you sure of that?

Speaker 5 (26:20):
You don't have to look so happy about it. I
father you.

Speaker 6 (26:24):
I'd remember that she's a grand duchess and you're nothing
but a wait.

Speaker 2 (26:27):
Oh, you're letting your imagination run away with.

Speaker 5 (26:29):
You, so are you?

Speaker 2 (26:30):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (26:30):
Well, Bert, stn't let you argue. I don't like to argue,
especially with you now the name is Martin. Well then, Martin,
don't let you argue excuse me? I? Oh no, wait?
Why do always run away when I speak to you?

Speaker 7 (26:49):
Run away?

Speaker 2 (26:50):
Don't be silly?

Speaker 8 (26:50):
But you do?

Speaker 5 (26:52):
Don't you like me?

Speaker 6 (26:53):
Of course?

Speaker 8 (26:53):
I like you.

Speaker 2 (26:54):
I like everybody. It's my disposition.

Speaker 5 (26:55):
No a girl could get to like you easily? Is
that so Albert?

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Oh?

Speaker 9 (27:01):
Here?

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Stop it? Your oh lord?

Speaker 5 (27:04):
What is going on here?

Speaker 9 (27:06):
Your highness?

Speaker 5 (27:07):
Silence Martin. I'm ashamed of you, my own serf. Oh
but your highness yet? Yes, your highness, Well, what have
you got to say to yourself?

Speaker 2 (27:16):
Nothing?

Speaker 6 (27:16):
Your Highness find certain you are to spill things down
my back, wreck my car, and I find you kissing
my maid?

Speaker 5 (27:22):
Is there no limit to your audacity?

Speaker 2 (27:23):
Audacity?

Speaker 6 (27:24):
I'll tell Countess Avalov about this. She'll put a stop
to your man.

Speaker 2 (27:27):
Oh, your highness, you're not going to discharge me? No,
thank you?

Speaker 5 (27:32):
Does it really mean so much more.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
Than your highness will ever know why?

Speaker 6 (27:36):
I don't want to know, but I'll keep an eye
on you in the future.

Speaker 5 (27:40):
You've had too much liberty, that's the matter with you.

Speaker 6 (27:42):
In the future, you'll be within call all.

Speaker 5 (27:44):
The time, even at night. Yes, you can sleep outside
my room? What outside my door? On the mat? On
the on the mat, that's where Ivan used to sleep,
Poor old Ivan.

Speaker 6 (27:56):
He's now so crippled with rheumatism you.

Speaker 5 (27:58):
Can't sleep at all.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
Has it never occurred to your Highness that poor Yvon
may be crippled with rheumatism from having slept on your
Highness's mat?

Speaker 5 (28:05):
You would think of that? Of course, it's just like you.

Speaker 6 (28:07):
Anyhow, I give you permission to bring a rug. You'll
be quite comfortable.

Speaker 2 (28:11):
Your Highness, Well, it's quite impossible for me to sleep
here outside your Highness's door. It would be fatal.

Speaker 5 (28:16):
You're afraid of Evan's rheumatism. I'm ashamed of you. It
would be absolutely fatal.

Speaker 6 (28:20):
Not necessarily, but if it were, you may be sure
you'd be given a decent burial. You may leave now,
and don't forget. You're to report to me here at eleventh.

Speaker 5 (28:28):
Or night with the mat.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yes, with the mat?

Speaker 5 (28:45):
Oh, half past ten.

Speaker 2 (28:48):
I wonder where Senior is.

Speaker 3 (28:50):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (28:51):
She said you wanted to speaks after dinner, and then
she disappeared. You know she's been acting very strangely of late.
If you noticed it though, Yeah, she wouldn't, but she has,
and I think she must be.

Speaker 5 (29:02):
In love who why, Senior? Oh oh no, I don't
think so.

Speaker 2 (29:08):
Besides, whom would she be in love with? Well, she's
engaged to you?

Speaker 5 (29:11):
Eh? Oh?

Speaker 3 (29:13):
Yes, ah, Senior?

Speaker 2 (29:15):
At last, Well we've been waiting for you.

Speaker 5 (29:18):
Yes, my dear, where have you been? I went for
a walk. I wanted to think you think?

Speaker 7 (29:22):
Why my dear girl?

Speaker 5 (29:23):
So horrified Peter? Some people do think you know well.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
You said you wanted to see us, Senior.

Speaker 6 (29:28):
Yes, something astonishing has happened.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
I knew it.

Speaker 5 (29:31):
What nothing go on? But listen. For the last two weeks, Peter's.

Speaker 6 (29:35):
Been trying to sell the necklace. Sell the neck I
hasn't been successful.

Speaker 1 (29:38):
No, that confounded jeweler.

Speaker 6 (29:40):
Won't meet our pride of mind. During that time, we've
been very hard pressed for cash, that's true. But tonight,
before dinner, I happened to look in the drawer of
my desk and I found twenty five thousand francs.

Speaker 2 (29:51):
What luck.

Speaker 6 (29:51):
But I can't remember putting on there. That's why before
you dressed before for dinner, I asked you to turn
out your pockets and make a note of exactly how
much money each of us had?

Speaker 5 (30:00):
You Uncle Paul had.

Speaker 6 (30:01):
A thousand francs, New Peter six hundred and fifty. Now
do you mind counting your money again?

Speaker 5 (30:07):
We spotty, we wish it.

Speaker 3 (30:08):
Let me see six seven, nine eleven.

Speaker 5 (30:11):
Well, well this is funny.

Speaker 2 (30:13):
I seem to have another four hundred francs.

Speaker 5 (30:14):
That's curious.

Speaker 2 (30:15):
I've got an extra two hundred there.

Speaker 3 (30:17):
You see, Well this is very unusual. How did it happen?

Speaker 5 (30:21):
Well, that's the problem we've got to solve.

Speaker 1 (30:23):
It appears pretty much or so we are the objects
of a secret and generous charity.

Speaker 6 (30:27):
Albert, who is our anonymous benfector?

Speaker 5 (30:28):
That's what I'd like to know.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
You don't suspect me, do no, Peter, You're right I
couldn't manage it that.

Speaker 5 (30:34):
There's been rather a slump in the motor trade.

Speaker 2 (30:36):
Have you coross examined the subs?

Speaker 5 (30:38):
They know nothing whatever about it? Well, it must have
connived it.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
Money doesn't drop from the skies of east.

Speaker 5 (30:43):
That's not as usual, have it? No?

Speaker 3 (30:44):
More's the pity.

Speaker 6 (30:45):
I don't understand it, and it annoys me.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
Well, what shall we do about it?

Speaker 5 (30:50):
Nothing, that is, until we've had a chance to think
it over. Sleep on it tonight and we'll talk for
in the morning. What time is it, Uncle Paul?

Speaker 2 (30:57):
What is going on?

Speaker 5 (30:58):
For eleven? And let n I'm stood in my room.
Good night and before good night, my dear love.

Speaker 2 (31:12):
Good evening, Your Highness, Well what.

Speaker 5 (31:14):
Are you doing in my setting room?

Speaker 3 (31:15):
Your Highness told me I was to sleep at her door.
I always go to bed at this hour, So here
I am.

Speaker 5 (31:20):
What's that you're carrying?

Speaker 2 (31:21):
It's ad dressing gown, your Highness, and pajamas.

Speaker 5 (31:23):
Pajamas, SI pajama.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
Yes, I've slept in them for years.

Speaker 6 (31:26):
But are we coming to the lower classes wearing silk pajamas?

Speaker 2 (31:29):
We have to have some enjoyment Johanna's silk pajamas a
small compensation for the dreary existence of a waiter.

Speaker 5 (31:34):
Yes, I suppose so. Do you know, Martin, you're a
very interesting person. Thank you. You're a little insane, of course,
of course, but nevertheless interesting. I think I enjoy talking
to you.

Speaker 2 (31:44):
Every word your Highness addresses to me is a glittering
jewel flung from the stars.

Speaker 5 (31:48):
I treasure it, you really feel that way.

Speaker 3 (31:51):
That's only part of it? Is more, much more. If
your Highness only knew how I worshiped.

Speaker 5 (31:56):
But whan I hear it, I'm going to my room, Yes, Johannah,
good night, good night, your highness.

Speaker 6 (32:03):
Oh by the way, before I go, let me give
you a word of advice, or perhaps I should say
of warning. I'm of rather a nervous disposition.

Speaker 5 (32:11):
I keep a revolver under my pillow, and if by any.

Speaker 6 (32:14):
Accident you happened to open my door unexpectedly, you'd be
greeted with six bullets.

Speaker 5 (32:18):
Not one of which would miss this mark.

Speaker 2 (32:21):
I think you understand, yes, perfectly, your highness. Good night,
good night, your highness. Oh, your Highness, I can't sleep.
You didn't allow much time to try.

Speaker 5 (32:37):
No, use, I can't.

Speaker 9 (32:39):
I want to talk?

Speaker 3 (32:40):
Shall I call the countess? All?

Speaker 5 (32:42):
No, you do, thank you, you said one moment. Whose
keys and things are those in the table? Is your
handkerchief too? Yes, your Highness, pure still? But the cost
to leave the hundred francs?

Speaker 3 (32:53):
Yes, it's very likely it was a present from a woman. Yes,
your highness, what's this thing?

Speaker 2 (32:59):
That's my will?

Speaker 8 (33:00):
You know?

Speaker 2 (33:00):
For money?

Speaker 5 (33:01):
Hit green with a gold class? Another present? Oh, yes,
your highnas from the same woman.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
No, no, your Highness from another one. It was last year.

Speaker 5 (33:11):
I congratulate you on your constancy, the perfect lover. And
who are you keeping company with now? No one?

Speaker 2 (33:16):
Your Highness?

Speaker 5 (33:17):
Why not?

Speaker 2 (33:17):
I'm in love with whom I don't dare to tell you, but.

Speaker 5 (33:21):
I pluck it for you.

Speaker 3 (33:22):
You don't, Yes, your Highness, May I have my wallet?

Speaker 5 (33:27):
Please? Why?

Speaker 2 (33:28):
Well? It is mine?

Speaker 5 (33:29):
Oh? What's in it?

Speaker 2 (33:29):
Your Highness is too inquisitive?

Speaker 5 (33:31):
Yeah, I'll see for myself. Your Highness, stand there. You're
well supplied with money, aren't you? That are over thirty
thousand francs here? Why do you carry so much?

Speaker 3 (33:42):
Well, it's just an old habit of mine.

Speaker 6 (33:44):
I think I'm beginning to understand something. Those bank notes
I found in my desk, the numbers follow these in
your pocket.

Speaker 5 (33:52):
Your highness, I'm sure so it's you who put those
notes in my desk. And not only that, but you've
been putting money in my purse too. Well, speak up?
Why have you done that?

Speaker 2 (34:00):
You know your Highness is so so extravagance extravagance, well
aren't you?

Speaker 5 (34:04):
But why why do you do this?

Speaker 2 (34:06):
What your options had to be done? The manager is
about to present his bill. I knew your Highness was
embarrassed and afraid.

Speaker 3 (34:11):
You might have to leave the hotel.

Speaker 5 (34:12):
I didn't want that.

Speaker 6 (34:13):
Let me see exactly how I stand. I like things
to be plain and above board.

Speaker 5 (34:18):
The simple truth of.

Speaker 6 (34:19):
The matter is that for the last three weeks I've
been supported by our waiter.

Speaker 5 (34:22):
Of course, if you put it like that, I admire
you're impertin.

Speaker 2 (34:24):
Well.

Speaker 6 (34:25):
Liberty is a wonderful thing, isn't it when it enables
a man to take such liberties?

Speaker 5 (34:29):
A witer domestic servant chairs? But where did you get
all this money.

Speaker 2 (34:33):
Your highness?

Speaker 5 (34:34):
Now on earth? Could you have so much? That's the
thing I can't say. Not difficult to guess. See, if
that's what you are, see one of a gang of
hotel robbers.

Speaker 2 (34:43):
Perhaps you're right the leader naturally a murderer, your highness.

Speaker 6 (34:46):
If this were before the revolution, not have you sent
the assault mine? But it's not too late even now.
I shall telephone the.

Speaker 2 (34:51):
Police telephones over there on the desk, Give it to me, certainly,
Shall I ring them for you?

Speaker 5 (34:56):
Yes? Please?

Speaker 3 (34:58):
Hello, give me the station.

Speaker 5 (35:01):
I don't know any police station.

Speaker 2 (35:03):
We've got a thief here and we want to hand
him over. Hello, let police station. Oh wait, wait, please
will your Highness speak to them herself?

Speaker 5 (35:13):
No, I can't do it.

Speaker 9 (35:14):
You know I can't it more than I can be.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
Oh. Hello, she can't do it. You know she can't
do it more than she can bear. Goodbye. I love you,
I love you. I've loved you for so long. I
can't help it. I had to stop.

Speaker 5 (35:28):
Stop. Please go Marty, No, your.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
Highness, after what's happened between us, I can no longer
be Martin to you call me Albert, Albert, like the
prince of La Vorgnia Alba.

Speaker 5 (35:36):
Go away, please please? I love you, I too, But
don't you understand you must go away?

Speaker 3 (35:42):
You love me too?

Speaker 2 (35:43):
How long have you loved me?

Speaker 6 (35:45):
That day you burnt me with that horrible melted button.

Speaker 9 (35:48):
Yes, it was then I suddenly re alone.

Speaker 3 (35:50):
Not till then I realized much earlier. Who well, it
was ten minutes earlier, when I was serving the soup.

Speaker 2 (35:55):
I loved you so much. I didn't know what I
was doing, Lully. They took the soup green away from me.

Speaker 3 (35:59):
The manager gave me the unjustice.

Speaker 5 (36:01):
No, no, I deserved it. We're too unjust. Here am
I the most virtuous, the proudest.

Speaker 6 (36:06):
The princess is in love with the waiter?

Speaker 5 (36:09):
What did you call me?

Speaker 6 (36:11):
So it's come to this, A waiter has the right
to call me Zanya.

Speaker 5 (36:15):
Now, okay, you're not going to be silly about this.
I want to understand.

Speaker 6 (36:18):
I am the Grand Duchess Zanya for generations. My family
is in of noble blood. Are men of married queens.

Speaker 5 (36:24):
Our women principle? Couldn't you make an exception in this case?

Speaker 2 (36:29):
I'm sorry, Xanya, look up here. I want you to
promise me one thing. Yes, don't marry anyone.

Speaker 3 (36:34):
Else until you hear from them, but.

Speaker 5 (36:38):
Promise I love you.

Speaker 2 (36:39):
Elder Darling.

Speaker 5 (36:56):
Nice Docking Henrietta. Yes, your Highness, your highlights is unusually
gazed this morning, and that Laska fat? Is there any
particular reason? Hat will you find Albert Henrietta's ask him
to come up here?

Speaker 6 (37:09):
Yes, your Highness, the Grand Duke Peter has seen the
jeweler again, your high nail. They've agreed to put a
price so to get the necklace. Please, it's in the
jewel box.

Speaker 5 (37:20):
It's the jewel box.

Speaker 6 (37:21):
Yes, it wasn't there this early this morning, your Highness
A but he hasn't been there for days. I assume
jo Highness.

Speaker 5 (37:28):
Said tasted the hotel safe. You mad? Give me that box.
It is your hands. I haven't worn it in ages,
and I remember putting it back in the case the
last time. Yeah, your highness, can you see it's gone?
Your hey, it's been stolen.

Speaker 9 (37:41):
But are you sure that calf.

Speaker 5 (37:42):
I'm sure I've never kept it in any other place.

Speaker 6 (37:44):
But here, Oh, your highness, what are you going to do?
We must notify the police, Yes, Henriette, I quick Tellogrand
you Paul I'm seeing at one.

Speaker 5 (37:50):
Yes, your high Wait, where's Albert?

Speaker 9 (37:52):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (37:53):
I couldn't find him, Your Highness. I asked him manager,
and he told me that he left. Oh, he's left
the hotel early this morning. Albert's gone, but he's coming back.
I don't think so, your Highness. He had two suitcases
with him. You're highly quiet he's gone. I don't have
a faith your necklace. That's why he'd fool.

Speaker 6 (38:09):
He couldn't put the money he had, all that money.
Would a thief stay here after he'd stolen a necklace?
Would a thief put money in my desk?

Speaker 2 (38:17):
He might?

Speaker 6 (38:19):
I always said there was something strange about that man.
He's mad enough to do anything. The money a week ago,
he'd have had.

Speaker 5 (38:26):
Time to realize on the necklace. It all, it's perfectly
it's the only solution. But last night he said, no,
I won't believe it. I won't.

Speaker 6 (38:35):
He couldn't have been a seal.

Speaker 5 (38:37):
He couldn't do here. He's only gone out somewhere. He'll
he'll be there, he must come back.

Speaker 7 (38:44):
Oh your Highness, please.

Speaker 2 (38:46):
Please clerk, oh clerk.

Speaker 3 (38:53):
I love with Mesa, but I'm in a hurry. Yes, Mesia,
what I want a first class ticket?

Speaker 2 (38:58):
Please?

Speaker 5 (38:59):
On the next train to Paris.

Speaker 3 (39:12):
We pause for station identification.

Speaker 1 (39:14):
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. We interrupt the Grand

(39:36):
Duchess and the waiter to hear from the nation's most
notorious headwaiter, employed by hosts for the express purpose of
embarrassing guests, all in fun. Of course, he's really a
character actor, having appeared in one hundred and twenty five
films in the last five years. As a practical, practical joker.

Speaker 2 (39:56):
He's told Einstein he.

Speaker 3 (39:57):
Knows nothing about Relativity picture.

Speaker 1 (39:59):
Stars Jeanette MacDonald, Gene Hollow and Mary Pickford that the
table manners were atrocious. Colonel Lindbergh that he didn't know
the difference between a cockpit and a peach bit, and
he made George Bernard Shaw, England's greatest ribber, call quits
after twenty minutes of heckling ladies and gentlemen. With full
knowledge of the risks I'm running, I introduced mister Vince Barnett.

Speaker 3 (40:28):
Thanks, mister d Mill.

Speaker 1 (40:29):
Yes, it's my pleasure to make as big a nuisance
out of myself as possible. But though I may be
public pest number one, I can honestly say that my
victims and I have always parted the best of friends.
I've impersonated scores of people, but find that a headweight
of offers about the greatest field for a man's talents.

Speaker 5 (40:44):
As a practical joker, you.

Speaker 1 (40:45):
Can mix up the food orders, criticize the table managers,
manners of the guests, interrupt the speech makers, and shout
back when anyone dares complain about the service. I particularly
remember a dinner here in Hollywood attended by four hundred
of the biggest names in pictures, stars and exis eecutives.
Charlie Chaplin was entertaining some guests at his table with
amusing capers. I went over to him in my waiter's

(41:05):
guard flourishing my napkin in his face, told him to
stop making.

Speaker 3 (41:09):
A fool of himself. You don't have to balance arlas
on your nose to attract attention here. Everybody knows who
you are, and the.

Speaker 2 (41:15):
Second part of seeing.

Speaker 1 (41:16):
Any more of your parla tricks. Chaplain's face turned scarlet.
Maryan Davies, who was at his table, proceeded to give
me a tongue lashing for my impudence, but suddenly recognized me.

Speaker 2 (41:26):
She suggested I.

Speaker 1 (41:27):
Leave the dumbfounded Chaplain and pick a second victim.

Speaker 5 (41:30):
I did.

Speaker 3 (41:31):
He was Winnie Sheen, then head of Fox Studios. He
and Winston Churchill greeting a group.

Speaker 1 (41:36):
Of distinguished women.

Speaker 3 (41:38):
When I shoved my way.

Speaker 1 (41:39):
Through and shook my finger under his nose. You are
offending these ladies, I scooled. Besides you, how can the
vaders get around you with their trays when you block
up the aisles. Mister Shean was so dumb founded he
couldn't say a word. So I continued, The ladies don't
matter so much, but the vaders have work to do.
Get back to your table, and I called the priests
and have you put out.

Speaker 5 (41:59):
Mister Shean.

Speaker 1 (42:00):
He still remained speechless, but he grabbed an arrow's chair
and was about to obliterate me when Miss Davies interrupted
what might have been in act of public service. When
I failed to understand, Vince is how after years of
annoying the innocent, you're still all in one piece.

Speaker 3 (42:13):
Oh I've been hit only once. The other showed rare
self control. Who is the lucky man?

Speaker 1 (42:19):
He was a great Tarctic explorer, the late Raud Amanson.
But when he found out who I really was, he
was so apologetic the tears actually streamed down his grizzled face,
which exploited are you proudest the time I told Clark
Gable that he made love like a horse. That's as
bad as telling the housewives of America there's a better

(42:39):
way of washing clothes than with lux flakes. Well, one
word led to another, and Gable, his patients, exhausted, challenged
me to put up my fists. You think I fight
with fists, I answered, Daggers, we fight with or nothing. You,
the great Gable.

Speaker 2 (42:55):
Play thoroughly incense.

Speaker 3 (42:58):
Gable came back, I'm sick of this great stuff. You'll
fight me now or ever with Daddy took a swing and.

Speaker 1 (43:03):
The host Douglas Fairbanks Junior, having pity on me, intervened
and all was forgiven.

Speaker 3 (43:08):
Before I go, mister d Mill, do you mind just
one question? I'm suspicious, but go ahead. You've been in
Hollywood since movies began. But tell me, mister d Mill,
just what business are you in.

Speaker 5 (43:22):
Trying to repeal laws that protect practical jokers?

Speaker 3 (43:26):
Good Night?

Speaker 2 (43:36):
We continue with The Grand Duchess and the.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
Waiter starring Robert Montgomery and Alissa Lande with Jean Lockhart
and Almakrugas several weeks have passed since Albert disappeared from
the hotel in Switzerland, We're back there now in the
main lounge in the far corner metad the manager is

(43:59):
talking to a well dressed young man who has just arrived.
As we come closer, we discover the young man to
be none other than Albert himself.

Speaker 5 (44:10):
What I want to know is what are you doing here?

Speaker 7 (44:12):
What I want to know is where is the Grand Duchess?

Speaker 5 (44:14):
Say she's gone, gone where?

Speaker 7 (44:16):
I've already told you.

Speaker 2 (44:17):
I don't know all of them.

Speaker 5 (44:18):
They left two days after you.

Speaker 3 (44:19):
Didn't she leave any forwarding address? No, But I've got
to find her.

Speaker 2 (44:23):
Oh yes, she wanted to see you too.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
The Countess of Barlov wanted to put the police on
your trail, but the Grand Duchess wouldn't let police.

Speaker 5 (44:30):
What did you do steal something? I look like a thief? Yes,
a little.

Speaker 3 (44:36):
Thanks.

Speaker 5 (44:36):
Now look matter, I try to think.

Speaker 2 (44:38):
Did they mention any place, any town, any city, any
country where they might have gone.

Speaker 4 (44:41):
Well, I think the Grand Duke said something about Milan, Milan, yes,
or maybe it was Leborno.

Speaker 5 (44:47):
No, no, Milan, but I'm not sure. It's a great help,
that is. So what more can I say?

Speaker 3 (44:53):
You're going to look.

Speaker 2 (44:53):
Forse in Milan or maybe in Lilvorno.

Speaker 5 (44:56):
So long matter, good.

Speaker 7 (44:57):
Bar And that's just saying you, I've been looking forward
for the last.

Speaker 5 (45:08):
Two months, but you're not sure if she came to Lavorn.

Speaker 2 (45:10):
No, they Polish are not magicians, Senor, but we will.

Speaker 3 (45:13):
Do what we can.

Speaker 5 (45:14):
Thanks, if you can pick up any trailers forward.

Speaker 3 (45:26):
Yeah, she was eager in March lasta tobe.

Speaker 6 (45:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (45:30):
According to our record, she left Adobill at.

Speaker 5 (45:32):
The end of DeMont Dobill. There was a little trouble
with the Grand you, Pete. Trouble is some motas Oh, yes, yes.

Speaker 2 (45:41):
I know that trick.

Speaker 11 (45:42):
Yes, thanks all the grand Dutches for you, monsieur, good way,
go to visa dress.

Speaker 3 (45:57):
You will find her there the cabaret cab Oh no, no, no, no, you.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
Must be mistaken, your monsieur. She's the proprietress.

Speaker 5 (46:15):
Pascovia. Will you shut that door please? Here's your highness.
You needn't bother with calling me your highness any longer.
I've told you that twenty five or. We must keep
up appearances. It's good for business. Yes, I know how
much have we taken in tonight?

Speaker 9 (46:30):
Well?

Speaker 6 (46:31):
The Grand Duke Peter said ten thousand strengths, But the
Grand Duke Paul said.

Speaker 5 (46:35):
Seven, yes, probably fine. Wed Peter at the head check counter.

Speaker 7 (46:40):
He's checking the.

Speaker 9 (46:41):
Heads while the boy has his supper.

Speaker 5 (46:43):
Grand Duke checking hats in the cover water world and.

Speaker 6 (46:46):
If your god nice haying to your highness, none of
us would be here if you'd allowed me to send
the police after it.

Speaker 5 (46:53):
I won't have you throwing that up to me all
the time. It was my necklace. If I preferred to
let him see that, that's my business. Yes, anyway, working
is good for him. Certainly, get Peter out of trouble.
He hasn't tried to sell a car for six months. Hello,
my love, come in, Peter, How doesn't it.

Speaker 3 (47:13):
I never better, never better.

Speaker 7 (47:15):
I've checked one hundred and thirty.

Speaker 3 (47:16):
Hats in an hour.

Speaker 5 (47:17):
You get me tipped tips if now don't be found.

Speaker 2 (47:24):
Your highness? Yes, will you check this film?

Speaker 4 (47:26):
Please?

Speaker 5 (47:27):
Yeah, let me see it.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
I'll four thirty six for why this seems to be
correctly total?

Speaker 7 (47:33):
Yes, it lacks imagination?

Speaker 2 (47:35):
Your hymen?

Speaker 7 (47:36):
Add another fifty francs?

Speaker 8 (47:37):
What what?

Speaker 2 (47:38):
What for?

Speaker 3 (47:39):
What for the flower?

Speaker 2 (47:41):
What's?

Speaker 8 (47:41):
But?

Speaker 3 (47:41):
Did they they didn't have any?

Speaker 7 (47:43):
What's that got to do with it?

Speaker 5 (47:44):
I say, Peter, leave the bill alone. Do you want
to get into trouble again? Okay?

Speaker 2 (47:49):
Well, or your hymens. There's a young man at the
corner table. He asked to see you.

Speaker 5 (47:55):
Well, I'm in for it again.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
They all want to beat a real grand duchess. After all,
you can't blame them.

Speaker 2 (48:00):
It is good for business.

Speaker 5 (48:01):
I'll see you later, Peter.

Speaker 3 (48:03):
Yes, my sweet, good evening, Your highness? Oh you oh hear?

Speaker 5 (48:15):
And I don't say, will you no intention of painting?

Speaker 2 (48:17):
I'm relieved.

Speaker 5 (48:17):
Will you sit down? I'm not here? Come I tell
them about them? Thank you?

Speaker 9 (48:26):
Well?

Speaker 5 (48:28):
What are you doing here?

Speaker 2 (48:29):
I might ask you the same thing.

Speaker 5 (48:30):
I should think you'd be ashamed to show your face
after what you saw.

Speaker 2 (48:32):
You mean, my disappearing act. I'm sorry I didn't get
a chance to speak to you before I left. I
was in a hurry.

Speaker 5 (48:36):
I can imagine.

Speaker 3 (48:37):
I never thought you'd leave the hotel without hearing from me.

Speaker 5 (48:39):
It wasn't exactly honest. Wasn't honest? What are you talking about?
You might have left word for me. If this is
a joke, I'm not appreciating it. What did you come
here for?

Speaker 2 (48:46):
First to see you, second to return your necklace?

Speaker 9 (48:50):
Then then you did take it?

Speaker 3 (48:52):
Yes, of course I did.

Speaker 2 (48:53):
But but why wasn't it obvious?

Speaker 3 (48:55):
I knew you were planning to sell it.

Speaker 2 (48:57):
I also knew you didn't want to sell it, so
I took it, took it away with me for safe keeping.
There you are?

Speaker 5 (49:02):
Oh good lord, I don't know.

Speaker 6 (49:06):
I'm all confused.

Speaker 3 (49:08):
You didn't think guy stole it, did you?

Speaker 5 (49:11):
I don't know what I thought. That money, all that
money you had, where did you get it?

Speaker 2 (49:15):
It was mine?

Speaker 5 (49:16):
You were only a way for the hotel. Yes, but
I owned it. Oh what a hotel you owned?

Speaker 2 (49:24):
Control yourself? What's so funny about a man owning a hotel.
Every hotel is owned by somebody. But you, you, await,
I was only learning the business. Would you please explain
what this is? And it's very simple. You see, when
my old uncle.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
Died, having rested his soul, he left me six hotels
all over.

Speaker 2 (49:39):
Europe with a proviso that I start from the bottom
and learned everything about running them. So I became awake.
Had to be a secret, of course, so.

Speaker 5 (49:46):
Even Mattar didn't know.

Speaker 2 (49:47):
But when I left Switzerland, I went to Paris to
see the trustee. I convinced him and I knew the business.
He was easily convinced, and I got control of hotels.

Speaker 5 (49:55):
You owned six hotels, No, no, no, I sold them.
Why well, you had to marry a nobleman.

Speaker 2 (50:01):
A man can't be a nobleman and a hotel proprietor.

Speaker 5 (50:03):
At the same time. You are crazy, But I am
a nobleman. On the way back, I stopped in Lavorgnia.

Speaker 2 (50:10):
I donated enough money to build a new hospital, and
to show their appreciation, they made me something.

Speaker 3 (50:15):
What was it?

Speaker 5 (50:16):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (50:16):
Yes, a duke, the duke.

Speaker 5 (50:17):
I'm the Duke of the Duke of Stepbee.

Speaker 3 (50:19):
The Duke of Stepy, This is it important? I never
heard of it, neither did die.

Speaker 5 (50:26):
Well?

Speaker 2 (50:26):
Am I noble? Enough?

Speaker 5 (50:27):
Am I you? We've changed around a little since the
last time.

Speaker 2 (50:31):
I still love you.

Speaker 5 (50:32):
I still love you. There's a justice on the next street,
shall we I'll think it over on the way, my
arm duchess, Thank you, Duke.

Speaker 1 (50:57):
The curtain falls and boy gets girls, proving again that
everything comes to him who waits, even if he waits
on tables. And if we wait just a few minutes,
we will find Robert Montgomery in a little landing back
at our microphone, every great picture you see on the
screen represents weeks of careful research.

Speaker 2 (51:16):
Not only must every.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
Detail be accurate, but names of characters and places must
be selected to avoid any illegal complications.

Speaker 3 (51:24):
Tonight we hear from.

Speaker 1 (51:25):
The head of the research department of Metro Golden Mayor Studios,
Missus Natalie Bucknall. Her name is one many will recall
from World War days. As a volunteer nurse in Russia,
she was personally presented with the Medal of Saint George
for bravery by Czar Nicholas In nineteen seventeen. She fought

(51:45):
with the famous second Woman's Battalion of Death. Later she
became a British Secret Service agent and in nineteen nineteen
was made head of the Aid Post of the British
Military Mission in Russia.

Speaker 3 (51:58):
Called a Second Florence Knight by the British government, she
is one of the three foreign born women ever to
have been honored with the Order of the British Empire.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Missus Natalie Buckner.

Speaker 5 (52:18):
Thank you, mister Demill.

Speaker 8 (52:19):
Such an introduction really makes me feel less nervous when
faithing or should I say, speaking to all these thousands
of charming invisible people, or rather terrifying even after the
war experiences.

Speaker 5 (52:32):
But here goes as you said.

Speaker 8 (52:34):
It is the job of my department to eliminate from
our pictures whatever possible what are referred to as bonus
I mean obvious errors in fact and the less obvious
errors which would lead to legal complications through unintentional duplication
of names of characters and places. Of course, it is
impossible always to be absolutely correct or safe, but you

(52:56):
do try hard, and I must say MGM have been
rather successful.

Speaker 5 (53:02):
The best way to illustrate this would be to give examples.

Speaker 8 (53:04):
I think someone in our picture. Afterwards, in man jumps
into a taxi and tells the driver to.

Speaker 5 (53:10):
Take him to three forty six Smith's Streets.

Speaker 8 (53:13):
Well, it would take a driver not only hours, but
days and months to find that address in San Francisco,
simply because there isn't such a street. And what about
opening a nice fat bank account at the Bay City
Trust Bank, which you will hear mentioned in the same picture.

Speaker 5 (53:30):
Just try and do it, it's not there.

Speaker 8 (53:34):
When you hear a telephone number, don't waste your time
calling it, no matter how beautiful the blonde is who
lives there on the screen, the number belongs.

Speaker 5 (53:42):
To either a theater owned by MGM, or it's.

Speaker 8 (53:45):
An exclusive number ended by the studio.

Speaker 5 (53:47):
From a phone company.

Speaker 8 (53:49):
Or you will see a gorgeous dress in our laughter
Missus Cheney, and you will hear it mentioned in dialog,
But it was bought from a chick little moguisse. Madame Natalie,
you would adore to order the same model, but I
know that you will never get it delivered. You see,
it's supposedly my shop in London, but I'm not in
London and.

Speaker 5 (54:09):
I haven't got a shop. It's just my name.

Speaker 8 (54:12):
Suppose we want to show a lovely lady using lux flakes. Naturally,
you want to show lux flakes because we know there
is nothing but could take its place honor office screens.
But you would never use that name without getting permission.
Do you remember the Devil's doll and a police note
is being torn off the wall and write above that
notice was another one with a horrible photograph bearing the

(54:34):
significant inscription Natalie Buckner wanted for kidnapping. Am I I
suppose I may eventually develop criminal sentences for all I know?

Speaker 9 (54:44):
But you see, after all, pictures.

Speaker 5 (54:46):
Must have villains, and villains must have names.

Speaker 8 (54:50):
And so we get permission from our employees to loan
their names to the gangsters and simoneal grease of the screen.

Speaker 5 (54:57):
Our work is really great fun because all the time
I come across the most unusual thing.

Speaker 8 (55:03):
But perhaps one of the most amusing but toughest assignments
was to check the Italian rules of table etiquette for
romy and Juliet.

Speaker 5 (55:10):
And what did we find?

Speaker 8 (55:12):
But wherevereas modernists can be, don't drink too much, don't
test the heat of the soup with your forefinger. Perhaps
it was pol like to use only the sum say
that all the dishes.

Speaker 5 (55:25):
Are good munty. Modern houses love to hear that.

Speaker 8 (55:30):
Don't place your elbows on the table, don't sit of
crossed legs, or lean forward, don't golf, the same as.

Speaker 5 (55:37):
Three don'ts of my own childhood. How many times did
they hear my nurse repeat them to me? And so
no doubt have you? And here I think it's the
samest advice of all.

Speaker 8 (55:48):
It is sometimes better not to seats relatives together at
a banquet, but.

Speaker 3 (55:53):
To seat other guests between them.

Speaker 5 (55:56):
And do this stage bit of philosophy. May I say
thank you and good night.

Speaker 3 (56:00):
Good night miss.

Speaker 1 (56:08):
We bring back our grand Duchess and our equally grand waiter,
ladies and gentlemen, Alissa Landy and Robert Montgomery.

Speaker 5 (56:21):
Thank you, mister the mill.

Speaker 6 (56:22):
This has been a most enjoyable evening up to now.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
Yes, I agree, you see in pictures I always seem
to the.

Speaker 3 (56:28):
Rob be, the rather easy going young man who gets all.

Speaker 2 (56:31):
The smart lines to say.

Speaker 3 (56:32):
But drop me in front of a microphone, and what
have you got?

Speaker 2 (56:35):
The babe in the woods at hard I'm just a farmer.

Speaker 3 (56:37):
Well, there's one farm out of another.

Speaker 2 (56:39):
How did you find crap? This fall? We all feared
a middle in, mister Mill, and I'll have you know sah,
I'm not fooling. I spent a couple of months earlier
this fall on the Montgomery Home student up in New York,
just another.

Speaker 5 (56:51):
Of those gentlemen farmers. I spoke of clouds from the
easy chair to the front port.

Speaker 1 (56:55):
Is that so?

Speaker 2 (56:55):
Just take a look at these callouses on my hands.
Back on the farm, they say, I make a pitch
fork pitch like ge whiz. But suppose you tell me
what you've been doing?

Speaker 3 (57:04):
Oh, gardening too.

Speaker 5 (57:05):
The oranges are doing fine, thank you.

Speaker 2 (57:07):
And how's the new book?

Speaker 6 (57:08):
That'll be something for the critics to decide.

Speaker 3 (57:10):
I mean, when's it going to be published?

Speaker 5 (57:12):
Well, not before too long, I hope.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
Then we're just too early to congratulate you on your
new novel, and just a day too late to congratulate
you on your birthday. If it were the day we
might have had a.

Speaker 5 (57:22):
Party, it couldn't have been any more fun than being
on your show tonight.

Speaker 2 (57:26):
I only hope the audience had as much pleasure listening
to us as I have been listening to the lux
Radio theater every Monday evening. And now, mister de Mill,
good night.

Speaker 5 (57:35):
Good night.

Speaker 3 (57:36):
Good night, Miss Landley, Good night, mister Montgomery, Miss Landy.
Our thanks, ladies and gentlemen. This is your announcer, Melville Rook.
Before mister de Mill tells us of next week's play,
May I say that our stars.

Speaker 2 (57:48):
Tonight appeared through courtesy.

Speaker 3 (57:49):
Of Metro Golden Mayer Studios. Mister Montgomery will be seen.

Speaker 2 (57:52):
Next with Joan.

Speaker 1 (57:53):
Crawford and William Powell in the Last of Missus Cheney
and Miss Landy's new film is entitled After the Thin Man,
Mister de Mill, as you know.

Speaker 2 (58:00):
From Paramount Missus Bucknell MGM.

Speaker 1 (58:02):
Miss Krueger currently appearing in Love Letters of a Star
as from Universal Studios and mister Silver's Twentieth Century Fox,
where he was in charge of music for Banjo on
My Knee. Mister Lockhart is seen in MGM's The Devil
Is a Sissy and Vince Barnett in A Star Is
Born in Our Cast to Night, where Jean Lockhart is.

Speaker 2 (58:20):
The Grand Duke, Peter.

Speaker 3 (58:21):
Alma Cougar is the Countess.

Speaker 1 (58:22):
Abalo Lionel Papers the Grand Duke, Paul Baron Folger as
Matt Hard, Margaret Brayton as Henrietta, Edwin Max as the
Russian waiter, lou Merrill as an Italian officer, and Frank
Nelson as Henry. And here's mister de Mille. Ladies and gentlemen.
Next Monday night, the Luxe Radio Theater stars Geen Harlowe
and Robert Taylor with Crd Rains. Our play Madame Saint Jane,

(58:48):
a story of France after the Revolution, in which Napoleon
takes an empire, and Gene Harlowe as the laundress who
becomes a noble woman takes Napoleon. Our sponsors, the makers
of lux Flake's join me in inviting you to be

(59:08):
with us again next Monday night, when the lux Radio
Theater presents Gene Harlowe and Robert Taylor in Madame Saint
Jane with Claude Rains and see Henry Gordon. This is
Cecil B de Mille saying good night to you from Hollywood.

Speaker 3 (59:33):
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.