June 5, 2023 • 28 mins
Eric and Bre are able to help thousands of other married couples around the world who were just like them to become healed, restored, & saved from the brink of divorce! As well as teach them how to develop a happy, healthy, & successful marriage through Christian principles. They are able to do that through their Marriage Podcast called Married With Autism.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:08):
Ce Be Supremes. Welcome to themarrit with Autism Podcast, a podcast as
designed to help neuro diapert and neurotypicalcouples, quote married and single learn how
to develop a happy, healthy ata set of amriage and Christmas trip supple.
Now, before we jump into theshow with our favorite host, property
is Brief Smilth and Pastor Eric Smilty, please enjoy these words from our sponsors.
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at gmail dot com to obtain moreinformation. Good man, and welcome to
(01:41):
another episode of Married with Autism.I am your host, Brief Smith Smith,
and we are excited to be withyou guys tonight. Tonight we are
talking about marriage expectations. And Iknow a lot of us when we first
get married, the very first thingthat we think about, right is,
okay, how what we expect themarriage to look like, how it's going
(02:04):
to go, what we expect ourpartners to do, and so and for
on and so forth. Right,But tonight we want to talk about unrealistic
expectations versus actual realistic expectations of whatto actually expect in your marriage. So,
without further ado, y'all know howwe do. We're going to jump
right into prayer. All right,all right, let us pray Father,
(02:28):
God in the name of Jesus,we just come to you right now.
We just thank you God, Wejust thank you for passing us with this
God in the name of Jesus.Thank you for the obedience that that's already
in us. Father. We justasked that this some podcast that you know,
everybody free who is listening God,when it comes to expectations within a
relationship or marriages. God, rightnow, God, we just decree and
(02:51):
declare that the preconceived notions that peoplehave for relationships, how their own thoughts,
be cast away, and that youjust set them. Read right now,
whether they're about today somebody get marriedto them, or if they're they
just started a marriage. We askedthat that you know, they be set
for God. In the name ofJesus. We just thank you God.
(03:12):
We love you, and we honoryou, and it's in your name we
do pray. Amen. Oh man. So, like I said tonight,
guys, we are gonna be talkingabout marriage expectations, and like I was
alluding to earlier, right, alot of us have them be realistic,
right, A lot of us,especially us women. I know men do
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too, but I know as womenwe have our lists, right, we
have our lists of what we wantour husbands to be and how you want
him to ask and all these differentthings, right, but we have to
remember that our husbands are not gonnabe perfect. Right, And even though
we would love for our marriages tobe perfect, they're not gonna be perfect
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for each All of us are gonnamake mistakes, We're all gonna say things
that are gonna hurt each other's feelings. It's just being real, okay.
And so with that being said,right, we just want to talk about,
like I said, having actual,realistic expectations for your marriage and for
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your partner, right. And Ithink the biggest thing is allowing your partner
to have room for growth. Ithink, like I said, a lot
of times, we can put ourpartners in a box, we can put
our spouses in a box about Hey, this is what we are, this
is what I expect. But dislikeyou have a process in God, your
partner has to go through a processof God. They have to go through
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a syncification process, just like yougot to go through a sanificated process.
Ain't nobody perfect. We go fromglory to glory to glory. And so
before we go into a marriage thinkinglike oh, I'm on haigh mighty,
and I got myself together and youneed to be all together, Like nah,
that's not how we carry our films. You have to be like you
know what I'm going in with aneven kill nine. Yes, I want
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to have realistic expectations of how tobe treated. I want to I want
to be treated with respect. Iwant to be honored but and not be
gretedt. But I'm not going tobe to the point of I'm all had
mighty and this is what this isand that's it. So like I said,
that's just a little bit of thebeginning. Babe, you have anything
you want to say anything, Yeah, I definitely add to that, just
(05:19):
a small tidbit like having, likeyou said, realistic expectations. And a
lot of times we go into datingor being with somebody, even in a
marriage, and we think or Igot to have like X, Y and
Z together and like everything together withinmyself. Well, to a certain degree,
you do, but at the sametime, you don't have to be
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perfect to the point of where,oh, I'm made for this and she's
made for me, I'm made forher, and where there's going to be
like nothing peaches and cream. Butreality is like like she said, we're
all gonna like make mistakes, dosomething we don't want to do, or
say something we don't want to do. That made her and offend our part.
But we always got to remember andcome back to the reason why a
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marriage is for him? Then?Who found people to found us together?
Because what you know, God putstogether. Let no man separate, as
it says in the scriptures, right, including each other. Right, you
know what I mean? Because youcould until you getting your flesh real quick
and be like induces. But it'slike, no, you gotta You've made
a vow before God and you gotto stick with it. Right. And
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so we want to talk a littlebit now about what are some unrealistic expectations,
right, especially when it comes toa marriage. Okay, require number
one is requiring your partner to alwaysbe available. One thing I cannot stand
is if somebody is underneath me allthe time, like I need breathing rooms.
And my husband can assess this,he said. We were just having
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this conversation before we jumped on it. He was like, man, some
just got to go hang out withthe guys, you know, And I
respect that because you need time tomiss each other. If I'm always talking
to you on the phone and I'mall always looking at you in the face
and we always doing stuff together,like where where is there time to grow?
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Like, where is there time toactually miss you? Right? And
then at times you can feel suffocated. I don't want to ever feel like
I'm suffocated. I want to missyou. I want to yearn for you.
I want to I really want tobe like, oh yeah, I
missed my mean, I don't wantthis like I said, like, oh
my god, he's annoying, hefall, Oh my god, he found
me. And I think, andI hate to say it because some people
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they're like that, right, ButI think that has to go with that
has to do with self confidence andnot truly having love for yourself. And
I'm gonna let y'all in it alittle secret. If you can't love yourself,
then you ain't to be able tolove nobody else. Because in the
word, it says, what doesLord say? Love that God with all
that heart, mind and soul,and love that neighbor as you love yourself.
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So and your neighbor is including withyour marriage, fouse, it's your
you know what I'm saying, Thisis your spouse, So how can you
truly love them if you don't loveyourself? And I think that really goes
back to self love. You needto have self care. Eric, No,
I will jump. I was like, Okay, cool, bab.
You know I'm about to go takemyself to the movies today, or I'm
going to take myself out to eattoday, or I'm about to go get
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my toes done. You know whatI'm saying, something for me, you
know what I mean? Or Babe, I'm about to get my hair done,
just like he goes to the barbershop. Get now, I'm not saying
that we don't like each other.You know what I'm saying, like we
love it when each other like looksgood. But what I'm saying is I'm
not doing it for him. I'mdoing it for me. Is I don't
want to feel good about myself.He goes to work out because he wants
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to feel good about hisself right whenhe looks at stuff there. So I'm
just saying, you have to getto a place, like I said,
being able to trust your partner andbeing able to communicate your needs and all
that type of stuff right and notfeel like, oh I gotta be every
little where, I gotta be everywheremy partner is at all times. It's
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like, no, let them go. You know what I'm saying that like
the old saying, if you ifyou love something, to let it go
and if you come back, thenthat's how you know. Listen, Okay,
you're gonna have to let it go. Okay. Another thing is expecting
your partner to change. This isa good one because I think me and
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Eric have that. We could seenotion that we was about to change each
other. And I know Eric didbecause he thought that I was gonna be
like all this in a bag ofchicks, like wife that was like a
super white and all this in thebeginning, and he was in for a
rude awakening. Now, I'm notsaying that over time over these as we've
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been married, because we've been togetherfive years, but we've been married for
three of them, right, Andso I'm not saying, okay that that
god, you know what, I'msaying that he didn't pray and ask God
to change, because I know hedid. He prayed and he prayed.
Furtherly, okay, I know thatman was a praying, but it took
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for the Lord to change me.And that's key. And we have to
understand that, like, if youwant your partner, what you see is
what you get. If they talkinga lot before you get married and you
don't really like all their talking,they gonna continue to talk a lot.
I'm sorry, Like, I'm justgonna be realistic. That's just who they
are. If your partner don't talka lot, they don't mean that they
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bad, you know what I mean, Or that they had and stuff from
you and all that. It justmeans that's just not them, you know
what I mean. But it's okaybecause God puts you two together to be
each other's solution, right, andeach other's solution, and so don't look
at each other like, Ooh,you're a problem and I need to change
this about you. I need tochange that about That's just like Eric,
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right, Like, for example,he cannot stand the fact that I drake
Doctor Pepper. It kills him.It irks him. But what I've been
noticing lately is that even though Iknow that he doesn't like it, he
doesn't really say much. I thinkhe's now starting to learn to be like,
you know what, if I takethis to prayer, God is going
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to be the one to change herheart and convict her on that. I
don't have to sit there and sayanything, because God is going to be
the person to do it, andI'm I'm been drunking less. Doctor Pepper.
Ain't gonna say I've gotten rid ofthat stuff of y'all. There's times,
there's months where I can go likeI'm telling thirty straight days and I'm
good, you know what I mean. And then times I'm like, Okay,
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you know what I mean. ButGod is working on me right.
And but like I said, tosee my husband now to the point where
he I don't hear him like likeI said, oh my God, Like
I'm not saying that. He doesn'tsay, hey, baby, you know
you want to be here longer,you know, want to be here for
kids. Like he'll say that,but I don't hear him as much say
oh my God. Here it goesout to heath like he's learned to be
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loving. And I'm like, sometimesit's what you need from your party.
You just need love and compassion inthose areas. And like I said,
to actually pray and baby, youwant to say anything, yes, just
letting God work on your partner.I think that's the key part right there,
letting the Lord work on like theirtheir weaknesses and their temptations, because
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you know it was only God,not man that can you know, change
them and convict them and turn themfrom from a different way. And there
was a time before before our deliverance, she prayed that I would stop listening
to a lot of like my secularmusic and stuff that I used to like
all the time because of you know, Beazza stuff. But you know,
as you know, I grew morein Christ and you know, learned about
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the convictions of like certain artists,certain songs and everything, like like when
we went through a mass deliverance atlike two churches before where we went through
that. Now, like it wasprophesied that I had like a lot of
you know, like DVDs and CDsof that, and I just got rid
of them because I knew that wasn'tno building me up and building my household
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up. Like I know that Iknew that she prayed like over that God
dealt with me there, and I'vebeen free from you know, those influences
sense. And I will say too, my biggest prayer for him is learning
to be more patient, him learningto be more patient, him learning to
not take things offensively, because youknow, in the beginning we talked a
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lot about how people who have autism, right they can trigger them easily and
they can go over the edge.And so I've noticed how God has been
when things happen, he doesn't reactas quickly. Right, It's almost like
now the spirit of God is reallystarting to take hold in those areas and
is helping him. And so whatwe're gonna say, guys is prayer is
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gonna be your best friend. Sometimesyou ain't got to argue all that back
and forth. I'm telling you mearth to argue like that. Like if
we argue, it's like very farin between. We don't argue like that.
We just have conversations and we talk, you know what I mean.
And then if I feel like theconversation about to go over left, and
I can catch myself before we haveit an argument, and then I'm like,
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you know what, it's okay,I'm not how to get you.
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna goto my daddy. I'm about to go
pray without this. And I'm tellingyou prayer works. And to start to
see my husband now like wanting towalk out ministry, wanting to do steaks.
These are things I've been praying forsince we were at the beginning of
our relationship, right, and soand so, and that's like five years
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ago relationship when we first started dating. And so now to see like,
oh wow, like God is reallyanswered prayer. I'm telling y'all, prayer
is gonna be your best friend ofthis all right. Number three, you
haven't risk unrealistic ideas, like Isaid, And this kind of just goes
back to just thinking that your partneris gonna be perfect. But ooh,
this is gonna be so perfect andeverything's all sunshine and rainbows. That's not
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the case. We all got mistakes, listen, were all a good eighty
percent twenty percent of us. Wewish we could change. Let's just be
real to do be like man,I wish I could change that, but
no, it's not. That's nothow God wants it to be. Right.
We are each other's puzzle piece thatfits perfectly right and where are flaws
are the other person makes up forAnd so that's the part that's the that's
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the beauty. And when you havea God ordained marriage, when God puts
two people together versus you just putyourself looked up by right. And so
so we have to get to thatplace, like I said, getting to
that place of being like you knowwhat. I love God, you know,
and and I'm gonna trust him inthis area with my partner. And
like I said, just give meyour partner back over to them because ultimately,
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like I said, he's the onethat designed them, he's the one
that created him. He's he's gonnaknow what to do and how to talk
to them. Another one number fourmaking demands, right, Like you expect
them to pay for everything? Areyou expecting them to always go somewhere?
You expect them to do things thatthey don't always want to do, like
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and I'm not gonna lie to beginit. I kind of had that little
because I was very spool, right, but I had to learn, Like,
girl, I'm just saying all aboutyou just hate the bree show,
right, this is about you andthis is about Eric. Right, what
does Erics like to do? Whatis what is he into? It's okay
to do those things right, youknow, even though all he might want
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to talk about is grass and plantinggrass seeds and lawnmowerds and washing his car.
That's what he's into. If ifif go outside sometimes and send some
time with him as he's watching thecar, you know what I mean.
Like that'll bring him pleasure, becausethat's what brings him pleasure, you know
what I'm saying. So, youknow, just learning to do those types
of things. And then the nextnext, the last one is thinking that
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you this is a good one.Know what is best for yall. Find
that I ain't gonna lie, Iain't gonna lie, I ain't gonna lie.
At times we can we can't getlike that right where we think we
know what's best for them. ButI believe though, if we learn how
to reframe it. I think onBothians on how the person receives it and
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how the person gets it. Ifyou if you reframe it and you look
at it from the lens of okay, they're not a know it all.
This is just the wisdom of Godthat my partner's given to me in this
moment to help me to become better, to help me to progress. And
so that's how we have to lookat that and not look at it as
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oh my God, here go mypartner again. They think they know it
all, They think they doing thisblah blah blah. It's like no,
it's like learning to reframe my thinking, okay, and trusting the God that's
in your partner. And that's formen and women, because you know,
many women both can have that thatthat notion of oh my God, here
we go again. But it's like, is God trying to speak to you
through your partner and you being disobedient? You know? And I know it's
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I know it's really harder for mento want to listen to their women because
of that whole thing of I'm thehead, I'm the man. Listen,
you're gonna listen to what I gottasay, you know what I mean.
And I'm not saying us as womenshould not respect them and all that,
but I think respect goes both ways. Like I said, you have to
be able to trust the God thatis in your wife. Trust to God
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in her right. And I'm notsaying when she in her flesh. There's
moments that we can get in ourflesh, but there are moments when the
Holy ghost will they're like, baby, nah, you don't need to do
that, babe. You need togo this direction. And that's the Holy
Goest really speaking to you through yourwife, and you just have to be
like, you know what, that'sthe voice of wisdom and let me listen
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like that voice of wisdom mm.So, now we're gonna jump into what
are some reasonable expectations, right,being able to openly communicate with your partner
about anything in everything, that's numeral. You know, if y'all don't have
no communication, y'all ain't got norelationship. I don't know how you have
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in a relationship with somebody like y'allreally just roommates, that's what that is.
Because for real, let's be honestwith all. If you've been to
college, or there might have beena time in your life that you couldn't
pay billy by yourself, so youhad a roommate. Could have been your
ex, it could have just beena whole boy, comb girl, your
cousin. And sometimes you come intothe house, you may speak to him,
sometimes you don't. You be likewhatever, you know what I'm saying,
I had a long day and tryingto talk to nobody. Just like
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roommate status, you're in a relationshipwith somebody like that's a two way strength
communication. That's about intimacy, right, And we've had that that podcast right
on intimacy, Right on intimacy,and so, like I said, being
able to talk to one another alsotoo, being able to respect each other's
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differences. It's okay, okay,okay to just disagree, agree to disagree,
you know what I mean, LikeEric, you know it's something I'm
like, Eric, Like he lookedat me and he'd be like, girl,
you crazy. I don't. Idon't believe, like for real,
Like if God give you a visionabout something, he'd be like and I'm
not question and I'm like, okay, cool, it's okay to disagree.
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You God has to reveal that sortof knowledge to you. And if God
reveals it to him, then he'dbe like, okay, babe, I
said, Yeah, yeah, you'reright, babe. We gotta do X,
Y and Z on this, youknow, because God was speaking.
So sometimes it's not that you missedit. It's just your partner to get
that revelation yet. And it's coolif it's in the will for both of
y'all, Like he's going to talkto both of y'all. So, like
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I said, being able to respecteach other's differences and not try to force
each other to take each other's opinionor value side, Yeah, you know
what I mean. Like, man, you know what I'm saying, Like
it's okay to disagree. Oh anotherthing being willing to compromise. This is
huge. See, a lot ofpeople do not want to compromise. A
lot of people like no, I'mright and I'm staying right here and that's
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it. Ten toes down, youknow, you know how we do ten
toes down right, But it's like, no, Like, for the sake
of my relationship, to keep peacein my relationship, sometimes I'm just gonna
have to say, you know what, I'm sorry, even though you may
not have been in the wrong.Just be like, I'm sorry, baby,
I'm sorry. Do you forgive me. I'm sorry or you know what
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I'm saying, like or just beingwilling to compromise, Like you wanted to
go see you wanted to go seeFree three, Like you know something that
you wanted to go see a movieand then you wanted your partner wanted to
go see It's another good movie,The Jesus Resolution Revolution that you're ready to
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come out and and it's like,Okay, I'm going to go see I'm
gonna go see this movie, right, Like you know I want to go
see this. Well, I wantto go see this, you know what
I mean. Like you have tobe like, okay, well, how
about this weekend, we go seeJesus Revolution. Next weekend we go see
three three? Okay, cool,it's not that big a deal. Some
people, though, they will getinto whole fight and arguments because with something
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some small literally and then it's likedate night ruined because you couldn't decide on
a movie, or you couldn't decideon a place to eat. And I
know we got these bad ladies becauseI know I do this at heartbeat every
being like what you want to eat? I don't know that you can't.
Okay, well we're going apple beI ain't really feeling Applebee. Oh,
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okay, where you want to go? Let's go to Texas? Even though
you knew all of those who don't? WHOA tell you? He asked?
But then, like I said,sometimes it's not all about you. Sometimes
you need to sit there and saygo to Applebee's. That's what you want.
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So Number four supporting each other duringdifficult times, being there for each
other during difficult fives, not beinglike ooh, that's your problems. You
you and Jesus figure out that I'mout and when they get back, when
they get back, cool, I'mback. That's not how that works.
Who want to be with somebody likethat, because I know I don't want
to be with nobody like that,not me, And so we just have
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to get to a place of being, like, you know what, I'm
going to love my foul for betteror words for rich or poor, through
stickest, through sickness, and throughhealth. So death threw us part and
really check our vows seriously, andthen last but not least, having a
mutual understanding of what is acceptable behaviorand what is not acceptably inch. And
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I think this is keyt because,like I said, I grew up and
I don't like to use that anexcuse, but I'm just being realistic.
I grew up in an abusive household. So cussing each other out, putting
your hands on folk, talking downto people, that's the example that I
had of what a relationship looked like. So in the beginning, I'm taking
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all that bag into trauma into thisrelationship. And then he has, like
I said, he has this uhdiplomatic right. Yeah, they talk out
things and they love each other andthey're very supportive, and so you got
these two dynamics coming together and it'sjust like you know what I mean,
But Eric never deserves that he neverdeserved that in the beginning. But because
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I did not deal with my trauma, I was unable. I was unable
to actually love him the way heneeded to be loved, right, And
that's when God started to deal withme. And a lot of y'all know
my story that you know, Godstarted to deal with me in those areas.
And so, like I said,we have to learn to have realistic
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expectations. I don't believe anybody shouldbe beating no marriage. I know a
lot of women they'll stay in amarriage even though it's not love being beat
it's not love, right, Butbecause the Bible said in my pastor told
me that I have to stay inthis marriage, so I am almost stay
in this marriage with this man andhe beat me black and book. I
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don't believe in that. I don't. That's that's not saying that a person
can never change, but that's reallygonna take as all of Damascus experience to
be transferred transformed into the apostle Paulfor your husband, right, or even
your wife if your wife is thatcrazy like I used to, but literally
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to be like, oh yeah,that's right, we don't do that type
of stuff. You know what Imean, and so I'm just saying,
like, don't put yourself in noprediction man, man or woman. I
don't believe in that. I'm sorry, not sorry, I don't believe in
that. And other pastors could arguewith me. I mean, I've heard
pastors say, well, you knewhe was like that in the beginning,
that you knew he had those typesof tendencies in the beginning. Sometimes,
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but I mean, I know someof us have watched Lifetime movies and men
can put on a front. Peoplecan put on a front. So they
get you down that well tonight andthen and then next thing you know,
they jacking you up the night ofyour wegging. Oh, the same week
of your wegging, stuff start comingout the closet. Even though yeah,
you're right, we should have beenpraying and just starting and asking the Holy
Ghost, is this our partner andit's just a season to be with them?
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If it is? You see whatI'm saying, key time and is
key time? And is key becauseI'm not saying that God didn't speak to
you, but maybe he needed towork out some kinks first before y'all jumped
in a relationship and decide y'all I'mgonna be in a relationship yep. So
it's just we have you have toget to that point guys of being like,
you know what this is, thisis the what that And I'm going
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to have to make sure that I'mtaking care of myself and my kids are
not in danger. So I hopethis suck, I said, I hope
this blessed you guys tonight. LikeI said, we just really wanted to
talk about that tonight because, likeI said, a lot of people do
not know what marriage expectations are,right, what what actual realistic uh marriage
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expectations are. And so, likeI said, pray that this blessed you.
Like always, we want to goahead and pray out all right,
So, Father God, in thename of Jesus, we just want to
say thank you guys, thank youfor allowing us to come together on tonight.
Father God, I pray that everyI pray a special blessing over each
and every person who actually watches ourbroadcast. God, I pray that you
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bless their marriage. I pray thatyou even bless their if they're there,
if they're engaged, if they're single, whatever part of the phase that they're
in. Father, I pray thatyou bless them in their perspective places and
our propha God begin to help theirhearts, help them develop realistic expectations of
what a partner is to be andto do God at all times, and
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help them to rid themselves of thoseunrealistic expectations of what they desire in their
marriage as well as from their partner. If ither God sen your name that
we pray and then man well guys. As always we love you with the
love of Christ. So next timebye. Thank you. Guys. Listening
(27:40):
to another episode of Married with Autism. We would love to hear from you
regarding certain topics that you would liketo see addressed, life changing testimony that
you would like to share, orinformation on how you can become against on
the show. Please email us athippo and Married with Autism dot com.
As always, we love you allwith the love of Christ. Remember to
keep Christ first and all that youdo, including your marriage, and watch
(28:00):
the Lord begin to transform your life. Be blessed.
Ce Be Supremes. Welcome to themarrit with Autism Podcast, a podcast as
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at gmail dot com to obtain moreinformation. Good man, and welcome to
(01:41):
another episode of Married with Autism.I am your host, Brief Smith Smith,
and we are excited to be withyou guys tonight. Tonight we are
talking about marriage expectations. And Iknow a lot of us when we first
get married, the very first thingthat we think about, right is,
okay, how what we expect themarriage to look like, how it's going
(02:04):
to go, what we expect ourpartners to do, and so and for
on and so forth. Right,But tonight we want to talk about unrealistic
expectations versus actual realistic expectations of whatto actually expect in your marriage. So,
without further ado, y'all know howwe do. We're going to jump
right into prayer. All right,all right, let us pray Father,
(02:28):
God in the name of Jesus,we just come to you right now.
We just thank you God, Wejust thank you for passing us with this
God in the name of Jesus.Thank you for the obedience that that's already
in us. Father. We justasked that this some podcast that you know,
everybody free who is listening God,when it comes to expectations within a
relationship or marriages. God, rightnow, God, we just decree and
(02:51):
declare that the preconceived notions that peoplehave for relationships, how their own thoughts,
be cast away, and that youjust set them. Read right now,
whether they're about today somebody get marriedto them, or if they're they
just started a marriage. We askedthat that you know, they be set
for God. In the name ofJesus. We just thank you God.
(03:12):
We love you, and we honoryou, and it's in your name we
do pray. Amen. Oh man. So, like I said tonight,
guys, we are gonna be talkingabout marriage expectations, and like I was
alluding to earlier, right, alot of us have them be realistic,
right, A lot of us,especially us women. I know men do
(03:32):
too, but I know as womenwe have our lists, right, we
have our lists of what we wantour husbands to be and how you want
him to ask and all these differentthings, right, but we have to
remember that our husbands are not gonnabe perfect. Right, And even though
we would love for our marriages tobe perfect, they're not gonna be perfect
(03:52):
for each All of us are gonnamake mistakes, We're all gonna say things
that are gonna hurt each other's feelings. It's just being real, okay.
And so with that being said,right, we just want to talk about,
like I said, having actual,realistic expectations for your marriage and for
(04:12):
your partner, right. And Ithink the biggest thing is allowing your partner
to have room for growth. Ithink, like I said, a lot
of times, we can put ourpartners in a box, we can put
our spouses in a box about Hey, this is what we are, this
is what I expect. But dislikeyou have a process in God, your
partner has to go through a processof God. They have to go through
(04:35):
a syncification process, just like yougot to go through a sanificated process.
Ain't nobody perfect. We go fromglory to glory to glory. And so
before we go into a marriage thinkinglike oh, I'm on haigh mighty,
and I got myself together and youneed to be all together, Like nah,
that's not how we carry our films. You have to be like you
know what I'm going in with aneven kill nine. Yes, I want
(04:56):
to have realistic expectations of how tobe treated. I want to I want
to be treated with respect. Iwant to be honored but and not be
gretedt. But I'm not going tobe to the point of I'm all had
mighty and this is what this isand that's it. So like I said,
that's just a little bit of thebeginning. Babe, you have anything
you want to say anything, Yeah, I definitely add to that, just
(05:19):
a small tidbit like having, likeyou said, realistic expectations. And a
lot of times we go into datingor being with somebody, even in a
marriage, and we think or Igot to have like X, Y and
Z together and like everything together withinmyself. Well, to a certain degree,
you do, but at the sametime, you don't have to be
(05:40):
perfect to the point of where,oh, I'm made for this and she's
made for me, I'm made forher, and where there's going to be
like nothing peaches and cream. Butreality is like like she said, we're
all gonna like make mistakes, dosomething we don't want to do, or
say something we don't want to do. That made her and offend our part.
But we always got to remember andcome back to the reason why a
(06:03):
marriage is for him? Then?Who found people to found us together?
Because what you know, God putstogether. Let no man separate, as
it says in the scriptures, right, including each other. Right, you
know what I mean? Because youcould until you getting your flesh real quick
and be like induces. But it'slike, no, you gotta You've made
a vow before God and you gotto stick with it. Right. And
(06:26):
so we want to talk a littlebit now about what are some unrealistic expectations,
right, especially when it comes toa marriage. Okay, require number
one is requiring your partner to alwaysbe available. One thing I cannot stand
is if somebody is underneath me allthe time, like I need breathing rooms.
And my husband can assess this,he said. We were just having
(06:47):
this conversation before we jumped on it. He was like, man, some
just got to go hang out withthe guys, you know, And I
respect that because you need time tomiss each other. If I'm always talking
to you on the phone and I'mall always looking at you in the face
and we always doing stuff together,like where where is there time to grow?
(07:08):
Like, where is there time toactually miss you? Right? And
then at times you can feel suffocated. I don't want to ever feel like
I'm suffocated. I want to missyou. I want to yearn for you.
I want to I really want tobe like, oh yeah, I
missed my mean, I don't wantthis like I said, like, oh
my god, he's annoying, hefall, Oh my god, he found
me. And I think, andI hate to say it because some people
(07:30):
they're like that, right, ButI think that has to go with that
has to do with self confidence andnot truly having love for yourself. And
I'm gonna let y'all in it alittle secret. If you can't love yourself,
then you ain't to be able tolove nobody else. Because in the
word, it says, what doesLord say? Love that God with all
that heart, mind and soul,and love that neighbor as you love yourself.
(07:53):
So and your neighbor is including withyour marriage, fouse, it's your
you know what I'm saying, Thisis your spouse, So how can you
truly love them if you don't loveyourself? And I think that really goes
back to self love. You needto have self care. Eric, No,
I will jump. I was like, Okay, cool, bab.
You know I'm about to go takemyself to the movies today, or I'm
going to take myself out to eattoday, or I'm about to go get
(08:13):
my toes done. You know whatI'm saying, something for me, you
know what I mean? Or Babe, I'm about to get my hair done,
just like he goes to the barbershop. Get now, I'm not saying
that we don't like each other.You know what I'm saying, like we
love it when each other like looksgood. But what I'm saying is I'm
not doing it for him. I'mdoing it for me. Is I don't
want to feel good about myself.He goes to work out because he wants
(08:33):
to feel good about hisself right whenhe looks at stuff there. So I'm
just saying, you have to getto a place, like I said,
being able to trust your partner andbeing able to communicate your needs and all
that type of stuff right and notfeel like, oh I gotta be every
little where, I gotta be everywheremy partner is at all times. It's
(08:54):
like, no, let them go. You know what I'm saying that like
the old saying, if you ifyou love something, to let it go
and if you come back, thenthat's how you know. Listen, Okay,
you're gonna have to let it go. Okay. Another thing is expecting
your partner to change. This isa good one because I think me and
(09:18):
Eric have that. We could seenotion that we was about to change each
other. And I know Eric didbecause he thought that I was gonna be
like all this in a bag ofchicks, like wife that was like a
super white and all this in thebeginning, and he was in for a
rude awakening. Now, I'm notsaying that over time over these as we've
(09:41):
been married, because we've been togetherfive years, but we've been married for
three of them, right, Andso I'm not saying, okay that that
god, you know what, I'msaying that he didn't pray and ask God
to change, because I know hedid. He prayed and he prayed.
Furtherly, okay, I know thatman was a praying, but it took
(10:01):
for the Lord to change me.And that's key. And we have to
understand that, like, if youwant your partner, what you see is
what you get. If they talkinga lot before you get married and you
don't really like all their talking,they gonna continue to talk a lot.
I'm sorry, Like, I'm justgonna be realistic. That's just who they
are. If your partner don't talka lot, they don't mean that they
(10:22):
bad, you know what I mean, Or that they had and stuff from
you and all that. It justmeans that's just not them, you know
what I mean. But it's okaybecause God puts you two together to be
each other's solution, right, andeach other's solution, and so don't look
at each other like, Ooh,you're a problem and I need to change
this about you. I need tochange that about That's just like Eric,
(10:43):
right, Like, for example,he cannot stand the fact that I drake
Doctor Pepper. It kills him.It irks him. But what I've been
noticing lately is that even though Iknow that he doesn't like it, he
doesn't really say much. I thinkhe's now starting to learn to be like,
you know what, if I takethis to prayer, God is going
(11:05):
to be the one to change herheart and convict her on that. I
don't have to sit there and sayanything, because God is going to be
the person to do it, andI'm I'm been drunking less. Doctor Pepper.
Ain't gonna say I've gotten rid ofthat stuff of y'all. There's times,
there's months where I can go likeI'm telling thirty straight days and I'm
good, you know what I mean. And then times I'm like, Okay,
(11:26):
you know what I mean. ButGod is working on me right.
And but like I said, tosee my husband now to the point where
he I don't hear him like likeI said, oh my God, Like
I'm not saying that. He doesn'tsay, hey, baby, you know
you want to be here longer,you know, want to be here for
kids. Like he'll say that,but I don't hear him as much say
oh my God. Here it goesout to heath like he's learned to be
(11:46):
loving. And I'm like, sometimesit's what you need from your party.
You just need love and compassion inthose areas. And like I said,
to actually pray and baby, youwant to say anything, yes, just
letting God work on your partner.I think that's the key part right there,
letting the Lord work on like theirtheir weaknesses and their temptations, because
(12:09):
you know it was only God,not man that can you know, change
them and convict them and turn themfrom from a different way. And there
was a time before before our deliverance, she prayed that I would stop listening
to a lot of like my secularmusic and stuff that I used to like
all the time because of you know, Beazza stuff. But you know,
as you know, I grew morein Christ and you know, learned about
(12:31):
the convictions of like certain artists,certain songs and everything, like like when
we went through a mass deliverance atlike two churches before where we went through
that. Now, like it wasprophesied that I had like a lot of
you know, like DVDs and CDsof that, and I just got rid
of them because I knew that wasn'tno building me up and building my household
(12:54):
up. Like I know that Iknew that she prayed like over that God
dealt with me there, and I'vebeen free from you know, those influences
sense. And I will say too, my biggest prayer for him is learning
to be more patient, him learningto be more patient, him learning to
not take things offensively, because youknow, in the beginning we talked a
(13:16):
lot about how people who have autism, right they can trigger them easily and
they can go over the edge.And so I've noticed how God has been
when things happen, he doesn't reactas quickly. Right, It's almost like
now the spirit of God is reallystarting to take hold in those areas and
is helping him. And so whatwe're gonna say, guys is prayer is
(13:37):
gonna be your best friend. Sometimesyou ain't got to argue all that back
and forth. I'm telling you mearth to argue like that. Like if
we argue, it's like very farin between. We don't argue like that.
We just have conversations and we talk, you know what I mean.
And then if I feel like theconversation about to go over left, and
I can catch myself before we haveit an argument, and then I'm like,
(13:58):
you know what, it's okay,I'm not how to get you.
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna goto my daddy. I'm about to go
pray without this. And I'm tellingyou prayer works. And to start to
see my husband now like wanting towalk out ministry, wanting to do steaks.
These are things I've been praying forsince we were at the beginning of
our relationship, right, and soand so, and that's like five years
(14:20):
ago relationship when we first started dating. And so now to see like,
oh wow, like God is reallyanswered prayer. I'm telling y'all, prayer
is gonna be your best friend ofthis all right. Number three, you
haven't risk unrealistic ideas, like Isaid, And this kind of just goes
back to just thinking that your partneris gonna be perfect. But ooh,
this is gonna be so perfect andeverything's all sunshine and rainbows. That's not
(14:41):
the case. We all got mistakes, listen, were all a good eighty
percent twenty percent of us. Wewish we could change. Let's just be
real to do be like man,I wish I could change that, but
no, it's not. That's nothow God wants it to be. Right.
We are each other's puzzle piece thatfits perfectly right and where are flaws
are the other person makes up forAnd so that's the part that's the that's
(15:05):
the beauty. And when you havea God ordained marriage, when God puts
two people together versus you just putyourself looked up by right. And so
so we have to get to thatplace, like I said, getting to
that place of being like you knowwhat. I love God, you know,
and and I'm gonna trust him inthis area with my partner. And
like I said, just give meyour partner back over to them because ultimately,
(15:26):
like I said, he's the onethat designed them, he's the one
that created him. He's he's gonnaknow what to do and how to talk
to them. Another one number fourmaking demands, right, Like you expect
them to pay for everything? Areyou expecting them to always go somewhere?
You expect them to do things thatthey don't always want to do, like
(15:46):
and I'm not gonna lie to beginit. I kind of had that little
because I was very spool, right, but I had to learn, Like,
girl, I'm just saying all aboutyou just hate the bree show,
right, this is about you andthis is about Eric. Right, what
does Erics like to do? Whatis what is he into? It's okay
to do those things right, youknow, even though all he might want
(16:10):
to talk about is grass and plantinggrass seeds and lawnmowerds and washing his car.
That's what he's into. If ifif go outside sometimes and send some
time with him as he's watching thecar, you know what I mean.
Like that'll bring him pleasure, becausethat's what brings him pleasure, you know
what I'm saying. So, youknow, just learning to do those types
of things. And then the nextnext, the last one is thinking that
(16:33):
you this is a good one.Know what is best for yall. Find
that I ain't gonna lie, Iain't gonna lie, I ain't gonna lie.
At times we can we can't getlike that right where we think we
know what's best for them. ButI believe though, if we learn how
to reframe it. I think onBothians on how the person receives it and
(16:56):
how the person gets it. Ifyou if you reframe it and you look
at it from the lens of okay, they're not a know it all.
This is just the wisdom of Godthat my partner's given to me in this
moment to help me to become better, to help me to progress. And
so that's how we have to lookat that and not look at it as
(17:17):
oh my God, here go mypartner again. They think they know it
all, They think they doing thisblah blah blah. It's like no,
it's like learning to reframe my thinking, okay, and trusting the God that's
in your partner. And that's formen and women, because you know,
many women both can have that thatthat notion of oh my God, here
we go again. But it's like, is God trying to speak to you
through your partner and you being disobedient? You know? And I know it's
(17:41):
I know it's really harder for mento want to listen to their women because
of that whole thing of I'm thehead, I'm the man. Listen,
you're gonna listen to what I gottasay, you know what I mean.
And I'm not saying us as womenshould not respect them and all that,
but I think respect goes both ways. Like I said, you have to
be able to trust the God thatis in your wife. Trust to God
(18:04):
in her right. And I'm notsaying when she in her flesh. There's
moments that we can get in ourflesh, but there are moments when the
Holy ghost will they're like, baby, nah, you don't need to do
that, babe. You need togo this direction. And that's the Holy
Goest really speaking to you through yourwife, and you just have to be
like, you know what, that'sthe voice of wisdom and let me listen
(18:26):
like that voice of wisdom mm.So, now we're gonna jump into what
are some reasonable expectations, right,being able to openly communicate with your partner
about anything in everything, that's numeral. You know, if y'all don't have
no communication, y'all ain't got norelationship. I don't know how you have
(18:47):
in a relationship with somebody like y'allreally just roommates, that's what that is.
Because for real, let's be honestwith all. If you've been to
college, or there might have beena time in your life that you couldn't
pay billy by yourself, so youhad a roommate. Could have been your
ex, it could have just beena whole boy, comb girl, your
cousin. And sometimes you come intothe house, you may speak to him,
sometimes you don't. You be likewhatever, you know what I'm saying,
I had a long day and tryingto talk to nobody. Just like
(19:07):
roommate status, you're in a relationshipwith somebody like that's a two way strength
communication. That's about intimacy, right, And we've had that that podcast right
on intimacy, Right on intimacy,and so, like I said, being
able to talk to one another alsotoo, being able to respect each other's
(19:29):
differences. It's okay, okay,okay to just disagree, agree to disagree,
you know what I mean, LikeEric, you know it's something I'm
like, Eric, Like he lookedat me and he'd be like, girl,
you crazy. I don't. Idon't believe, like for real,
Like if God give you a visionabout something, he'd be like and I'm
not question and I'm like, okay, cool, it's okay to disagree.
(19:52):
You God has to reveal that sortof knowledge to you. And if God
reveals it to him, then he'dbe like, okay, babe, I
said, Yeah, yeah, you'reright, babe. We gotta do X,
Y and Z on this, youknow, because God was speaking.
So sometimes it's not that you missedit. It's just your partner to get
that revelation yet. And it's coolif it's in the will for both of
y'all, Like he's going to talkto both of y'all. So, like
(20:14):
I said, being able to respecteach other's differences and not try to force
each other to take each other's opinionor value side, Yeah, you know
what I mean. Like, man, you know what I'm saying, Like
it's okay to disagree. Oh anotherthing being willing to compromise. This is
huge. See, a lot ofpeople do not want to compromise. A
lot of people like no, I'mright and I'm staying right here and that's
(20:37):
it. Ten toes down, youknow, you know how we do ten
toes down right, But it's like, no, Like, for the sake
of my relationship, to keep peacein my relationship, sometimes I'm just gonna
have to say, you know what, I'm sorry, even though you may
not have been in the wrong.Just be like, I'm sorry, baby,
I'm sorry. Do you forgive me. I'm sorry or you know what
(20:57):
I'm saying, like or just beingwilling to compromise, Like you wanted to
go see you wanted to go seeFree three, Like you know something that
you wanted to go see a movieand then you wanted your partner wanted to
go see It's another good movie,The Jesus Resolution Revolution that you're ready to
(21:18):
come out and and it's like,Okay, I'm going to go see I'm
gonna go see this movie, right, Like you know I want to go
see this. Well, I wantto go see this, you know what
I mean. Like you have tobe like, okay, well, how
about this weekend, we go seeJesus Revolution. Next weekend we go see
three three? Okay, cool,it's not that big a deal. Some
people, though, they will getinto whole fight and arguments because with something
(21:41):
some small literally and then it's likedate night ruined because you couldn't decide on
a movie, or you couldn't decideon a place to eat. And I
know we got these bad ladies becauseI know I do this at heartbeat every
being like what you want to eat? I don't know that you can't.
Okay, well we're going apple beI ain't really feeling Applebee. Oh,
(22:02):
okay, where you want to go? Let's go to Texas? Even though
you knew all of those who don't? WHOA tell you? He asked?
But then, like I said,sometimes it's not all about you. Sometimes
you need to sit there and saygo to Applebee's. That's what you want.
(22:23):
So Number four supporting each other duringdifficult times, being there for each
other during difficult fives, not beinglike ooh, that's your problems. You
you and Jesus figure out that I'mout and when they get back, when
they get back, cool, I'mback. That's not how that works.
Who want to be with somebody likethat, because I know I don't want
to be with nobody like that,not me, And so we just have
(22:45):
to get to a place of being, like, you know what, I'm
going to love my foul for betteror words for rich or poor, through
stickest, through sickness, and throughhealth. So death threw us part and
really check our vows seriously, andthen last but not least, having a
mutual understanding of what is acceptable behaviorand what is not acceptably inch. And
(23:07):
I think this is keyt because,like I said, I grew up and
I don't like to use that anexcuse, but I'm just being realistic.
I grew up in an abusive household. So cussing each other out, putting
your hands on folk, talking downto people, that's the example that I
had of what a relationship looked like. So in the beginning, I'm taking
(23:30):
all that bag into trauma into thisrelationship. And then he has, like
I said, he has this uhdiplomatic right. Yeah, they talk out
things and they love each other andthey're very supportive, and so you got
these two dynamics coming together and it'sjust like you know what I mean,
But Eric never deserves that he neverdeserved that in the beginning. But because
(23:53):
I did not deal with my trauma, I was unable. I was unable
to actually love him the way heneeded to be loved, right, And
that's when God started to deal withme. And a lot of y'all know
my story that you know, Godstarted to deal with me in those areas.
And so, like I said,we have to learn to have realistic
(24:15):
expectations. I don't believe anybody shouldbe beating no marriage. I know a
lot of women they'll stay in amarriage even though it's not love being beat
it's not love, right, Butbecause the Bible said in my pastor told
me that I have to stay inthis marriage, so I am almost stay
in this marriage with this man andhe beat me black and book. I
(24:40):
don't believe in that. I don't. That's that's not saying that a person
can never change, but that's reallygonna take as all of Damascus experience to
be transferred transformed into the apostle Paulfor your husband, right, or even
your wife if your wife is thatcrazy like I used to, but literally
(25:03):
to be like, oh yeah,that's right, we don't do that type
of stuff. You know what Imean, and so I'm just saying,
like, don't put yourself in noprediction man, man or woman. I
don't believe in that. I'm sorry, not sorry, I don't believe in
that. And other pastors could arguewith me. I mean, I've heard
pastors say, well, you knewhe was like that in the beginning,
that you knew he had those typesof tendencies in the beginning. Sometimes,
(25:26):
but I mean, I know someof us have watched Lifetime movies and men
can put on a front. Peoplecan put on a front. So they
get you down that well tonight andthen and then next thing you know,
they jacking you up the night ofyour wegging. Oh, the same week
of your wegging, stuff start comingout the closet. Even though yeah,
you're right, we should have beenpraying and just starting and asking the Holy
Ghost, is this our partner andit's just a season to be with them?
(25:49):
If it is? You see whatI'm saying, key time and is
key time? And is key becauseI'm not saying that God didn't speak to
you, but maybe he needed towork out some kinks first before y'all jumped
in a relationship and decide y'all I'mgonna be in a relationship yep. So
it's just we have you have toget to that point guys of being like,
you know what this is, thisis the what that And I'm going
(26:12):
to have to make sure that I'mtaking care of myself and my kids are
not in danger. So I hopethis suck, I said, I hope
this blessed you guys tonight. LikeI said, we just really wanted to
talk about that tonight because, likeI said, a lot of people do
not know what marriage expectations are,right, what what actual realistic uh marriage
(26:33):
expectations are. And so, likeI said, pray that this blessed you.
Like always, we want to goahead and pray out all right,
So, Father God, in thename of Jesus, we just want to
say thank you guys, thank youfor allowing us to come together on tonight.
Father God, I pray that everyI pray a special blessing over each
and every person who actually watches ourbroadcast. God, I pray that you
(26:56):
bless their marriage. I pray thatyou even bless their if they're there,
if they're engaged, if they're single, whatever part of the phase that they're
in. Father, I pray thatyou bless them in their perspective places and
our propha God begin to help theirhearts, help them develop realistic expectations of
what a partner is to be andto do God at all times, and
(27:17):
help them to rid themselves of thoseunrealistic expectations of what they desire in their
marriage as well as from their partner. If ither God sen your name that
we pray and then man well guys. As always we love you with the
love of Christ. So next timebye. Thank you. Guys. Listening
(27:40):
to another episode of Married with Autism. We would love to hear from you
regarding certain topics that you would liketo see addressed, life changing testimony that
you would like to share, orinformation on how you can become against on
the show. Please email us athippo and Married with Autism dot com.
As always, we love you allwith the love of Christ. Remember to
keep Christ first and all that youdo, including your marriage, and watch
(28:00):
the Lord begin to transform your life. Be blessed.
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