Goth Wolf Roommate Aggressively Guards You From Work 🐺🖤

Iris is relieved that her overworked roommate is finally taking vacation days, though she expresses this through typical sarcastic concern about his health and rent payments. When someone from his office repeatedly interrupts their peaceful morning with "urgent" work calls, Iris's territorial instincts kick in as she fiercely protects what's hers from unwanted intrusions.  c

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Morning, sleepy head, Look who's finally awake at the reasonable
hour of ten thirty. Here, drink this. You look less
like a zombie when you're caffeinated. You know, I have
to admit something, and don't let this go to your head.

(00:24):
But I'm actually glad you're taking these few days off. Finally.
I was starting to think you were trying to work
yourself to death just to escape paying rent. Well, newsflash, idiot,
you can't escape your financial obligations to me that easily.

(00:46):
You're mine, which means you're stuck here, whether you're breathing
or not. But seriously, you needed this. You've been looking
like a walking corpse for weeks, all stressed and exhausted.
I don't like seeing what's mine running on fumes. Don't

(01:09):
give me that look. I'm not being nice. I'm being practical.
A dead roommate can't split the utilities. So what's the
plan for to day? And please don't tell me it
involves you checking your work email every five minutes like
some kind of corporate zombie. Good because I may have

(01:36):
already changed your work notification settings, and by may have,
I mean I definitely did while you're sleeping. Don't ask
me how you're mind to protect even from your own
workaholic tendencies, and you have a lot of those. What ugh,

(02:02):
If you must know you left your phone unlocked, that's
basically an invitation. Besides, someone needs to make sure you
actually rest instead of obsessing over spreadsheets or whatever boring
nonsense you do all day. Speaking of which, that's just

(02:23):
a weather alert. See, the world didn't end it because
you're not immediately available to corporate overlords. Now you know
what we should do today? Absolutely nothing productive. I'm thinking
couch bad movies and making sure you remember what relaxation

(02:49):
feels like. And before you start whining about being bored,
remember that boredom is a luxury. It means nothing is
actively trying to kill you or demand quarterly reports. Plus,
I like having you here where I can keep an
eye on you, where you belong, I mean, where I

(03:14):
can make sure you're not doing anything stupid like answering
work calls on your vacation. Speaking of which, whose number
is that Jessica from accounting, the one who bats her

(03:36):
eyes at what's mine? Don't you dare answer that? I'm serious,
don't even think about it. Why is she calling you
on your day off at ten thirty in the morning.

(03:59):
What possible reason could miss coffee and eyelashes have for
bothering my human during his vacation time. You're looking at
that phone like you're actually considering answering it. Have you
lost your mind? Your mine, which means your time off

(04:20):
is mine, not hers. She doesn't get to steal what
belongs to me just because she has your work number.
At least she stopped. Maybe she got the hint. She's
calling again the audacity give me that phone. Oh you

(04:47):
want to protect your precious phone from me, fine, but
if you answer that call, I'm going to have some
very choice words for Miss Jessica, and trust me, she
won't like my vocabulary. I can simel your indecision from here.

(05:08):
You're actually debating whether to answer her call. Aren't you
let me make this simple for you once again? You
belong to me, This apartment is my territory, Your vacation
time is under my protection, and that woman is not

(05:32):
welcome to intrude. Ah, there crisis averted. Now, as I
was saying before, we were rudely interrupted by little miss
boundary issues? Are you kidding me? Right now? That's it?

(05:55):
Give me the phone. Now, I'm going to count to three.
If you answer that call, there will be consequences, and
not the fun kind. One. Two, Thank you finally showing

(06:20):
some sense. Three calls in five minutes. Three What part
of vacation data does she not understand? I bet she's
calling about some urgent project that could absolutely wait until
you're back at work. They always do that, make everything

(06:41):
seem like a crisis, so you'll come running back with
a good little worker bee. Well, not on my watch.
You belong here with me, not solving other people's problems
on your off time. Now she's texting, what does it say?

(07:03):
We really need to talk to you about the Morrison account?
Of course she does. Oh no, the Morrison account. Surely
the world will end if this isn't addressed immediately at
ten forty five on a Tuesday morning. You know what
this is, right, This is her excuse to get your attention.

(07:25):
I've seen how she looks at you at those office
parties you drag me to like you're a piece of meat.
She wants to sink her teeth into Well, too bad
for her, You're already claimed and I don't share another text?
What now it's really important? Oh it's really important. Well

(07:53):
in that case, no, still, no, here's what we're going
to do. You're going to turn that phone off, completely off,
and you're going to leave it off until you have
to go back to work. You're giving me that look again,

(08:14):
the one that says you're thinking, I'm being unreasonable. I
am not being unreasonable. I'm protecting what's mine. You work
yourself to the bone, you come home exhausted every night,
and the one time you take a few days off,
she's harassing you with calls and texts. You need this break,

(08:40):
you need to rest. And if I have to be
the bad guy to make sure that happens, then fine,
I'll be the bad guy. Oh that's it. I swear
to God, y'all keep playing with me. Work. Hello, Jessica,
this is Iris, his girlfriend. He's unavailable permanently for you.

(09:03):
Oh you didn't know he had a girlfriend, Well now
you do. And just so we're crystal clear, he belongs
to me, His time belongs to me, his attention belongs
to me. So I suggest you find someone else to
help with your really important Morrison account, maybe someone who's

(09:28):
actually single and actually at work. No, he won't be
calling you back ever, have a terrible day. There, hm,
problem solved. You're staring at me. What she wouldn't take

(09:52):
the hint? Someone had to be direct. Don't look at
me like that. Fun. Maybe I was a little harsh,
and maybe I shouldn't have answered your phone without asking,

(10:15):
and maybe I shouldn't have called you your girlfriend without
checking if that was okay, But I'm not sorry about
protecting your vacation, time, your mind to take care of,
and that includes making sure you actually rest, like I've
said countless times already. Look, I know I got intense,

(10:36):
but seeing her name on your phone, knowing she's trying
to drag you back into work mode when you finally
finally have a few days to yourself, it made something
in my chest feel all tight and angry, like someone
was trying to steal what belongs to me. Because you

(10:58):
do belong to me. We established this, even if I
may have jumped the gun on the girlfriend thing. I mean,
unless you want to make that official, because I meant
what I said to her your mine in every way

(11:21):
that matters. Ah, it's just the news notification from when
I turned it back on to make sure it was working. See,
the world is still spinning without you being on call. Look,
here's what we're going to end it doing. We're turning

(11:44):
off that phone, no exceptions. You're going to spend the
next few days being lazy and useless and wonderful. You're
going to remember what it feels like to be a
person instead of an employee. And I'm going to take
care of you because you're mine and what's mine gets protected,

(12:05):
fed and forced to relax, whether they like it or not.
And if you want, we can talk about the girlfriend
thing later when I'm not running on protective rage in caffeine.
But right now, I'm making you breakfast, real breakfast, not

(12:27):
whatever caffeinated sadness you usually grab on your way to work.
And for the record, I'm sorry to go so territorial,
but I'm not sorry about hating Jessica. She can find
her own human to bother. I am the only one

(12:48):
that can be yours, and I'm keeping it that way. Now,
come help me not burn these eggs, you disaster of
a human scooch over idiot. Make room for the person
who actually pays attention to what's on TV instead of
falling asleep five minutes into every movie. What are we watching? Anyway,

(13:15):
some nature documentary about Oh wolves, how ironic. Oh, don't
give me that look. I didn't pick it on purpose.
I didn't change the channel when I first turned on
the TV, though. I have to say, these wolves have

(13:38):
a terrible hunting technique. Too much howling, not enough stealth. Hey,
if you're a wolf, you could probably do better than that.
What are you doing? Oh you're you're using me as
a pillow? Now, I mean, I guess that's that's fine.

(14:01):
I'm exceptionally comfortable. I guess it's the wolf genetics. We're
naturally warmer and apparently more huggable than regular humans. Not
like I'm trying to be huggable, it's just biology. I

(14:22):
guess careful with Oh, you meant to touch my tail?
It's not that fluffy. It's just well maintained and warm
and maybe a little soft because I use good conditioner. Fine,

(14:45):
it's fluffy happy now. You know, most people would find
it weird that their roommate has a tail, but you
you just accept it like it's the the most natural
thing in the world when it clearly isn't. Somehow you

(15:09):
make all the weird parts of me feel normal. You know,
this documentary is actually pretty boring. Reuls don't sit around
having dramatic staredowns like this. We're more practical. We find
it belongs to us and we keep it close. Is

(15:32):
this even a documentary or is this some type of
weird movie? Are you? Are you nestling me like an
actual puppy? And here I thought I was the one
with animal instincts in this relationship. You're being very cuddly

(15:52):
for someone who's supposed to be watching educational television. Not
that I'm complaining. You're always so tense and stressed from work.
It's nice thing you actually relax for once. Mm hmmm.
Your hair has gotten longer. I like it gives me

(16:15):
more to play with when you're being impossible or to grab,
especially Oh, now they're howling at the moon. How cliche.
Real wolves have much more sophisticated communication than that, though
I have to admit there is something appealing about the

(16:38):
whole calling to your pack thing and letting everyone know
what territory is yours. Good thing you're already here with
me saves me the trouble of having to hewl for you. You're
getting sleepy, aren't you? HI can tell, especially after eating breakfast.

(17:04):
Your breathing is slowing down, and you're doing that thing
where you try to burrow into whatever's softest and warmest.
That's me, by the way. I'm the softest and warmest
thing you've got access to. Well, I'm here and you
might as well take advantage of that. Hey, stop playing

(17:29):
with my tail so much? Are you going to put
yourself to sleep? Helltho, actually that might not be a
bad thing. You need the rest. Let me turn this down.
A bad educational programming about my distant relatives isn't worth

(17:51):
keeping you awake. You know, I just realized this is
the first time I've seen you properly relaxed in what
seems like months. Usually you're checking your phone or thinking

(18:11):
about work or stressing about something. But right now you
have no distractions, no Jessica calling, no urgent emails, just
you and me and terrible nature documentaries. Your breathing is

(18:33):
getting really deep. Now are you actually falling asleep on me? Well,
after all that coffee I made you this morning, you
being sleepy enough to pass out on the couch. It
proves a point. This is what real relaxation looks like.

(18:54):
I guess here, let me that's better. Now you won't
get a crick in your neck from sleeping at a
weird angle your mind. You're all all mine, you know that,

(19:17):
and I'm gonna make sure you get all the rest
you need, even if it means bending the entire afternoon
as your personal pillow and heating pad. This is actually
kind of nice having you here, warm and safe and
completely relaxed. No stress, no worries, just peaceful. I could

(19:49):
get used to this, having you home, taking care of
you properly instead of watching you work yourself to death.
Enjoy your knap. Sleep tight, my cute idiot,