April 7, 2025 • 35 mins
The Midlife Crisisses are back! On today's episode, Tyson Apostol (@tysonapostol) Bradley Hasemayer (@bhaz) and William Drumm (@williamdrumm) talk about how to navigate being the favourite parent, supporting your partner or co-parent, and finding the balance when somebody has to be the bad guy.
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Midlife Crisisses (@midlifecrisisses)
Tyson Apostol (@tysonapostol),
Bradley Hasemeyer (@bhaz),
and William Drumm (@williamdrumm)
Got a question for us? Send it to - midlifecrisisses@gmail.com
Follow us on our social media!
https://linktr.ee/midlifecrisisses
Midlife Crisisses (@midlifecrisisses)
Tyson Apostol (@tysonapostol),
Bradley Hasemeyer (@bhaz),
and William Drumm (@williamdrumm)
Got a question for us? Send it to - midlifecrisisses@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Midlife Crisises. I'm Tyson, one of the hosts.
Thank you so much for liking, subscribing, commenting, sharing. All
of that stuff helps us continue to do this podcast,
and we would appreciate if you would continue to do
that each and every episode. We love you guys so much.
We want to keep doing this and that is one
of the ways to guarantee, I mean nothing at nice
(00:23):
guarantee then we will keep doing this. So smash that
subscribe button, that like button, that follow button, whatever buttons
are there, smash them all.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And we really want to hear for you guys too.
We want to hear about your midlife crisises. We want
to know what kind of stuff you are going through
so that we can talk about it and share our
insights about trying to survive.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
This quote as well.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
So let's get into it. What's up everybody? Midlife Crisis
is podcast here and the question today comes from a listener,
and it is how to balance sharing children, whether you're divorced, married,
whatever it is. What is that balance between being the
favorite and passing off your kids to your spouse or
(01:09):
your co parent and also have them in some ways
be the favorite and that is a very tricky and
hard balance to find. We're going to talk about it today.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Hello everybody, this is Midlife Crisises, where we talk about
all the strenuous, painful things going on in our lives,
talk about them, joke about them, and hopefully give you
guys some insight and some answers to what you're going
through as well in your midlife crisises. My name is
William Drumm. I'm an underwater photographer based in Denver, and
(01:39):
I'm joined today by my two special special co hosts.
Mister Bradley.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Yo, what's up? Bradley?
Speaker 4 (01:46):
Hasim right here coming to here from the atl piece
up a town.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
You know that's how we roll?
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Is that how you roll?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Yeah, that's how I roll.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Man.
Speaker 4 (01:53):
You know me from the main streets Inouse, Tennessee. Originally,
I've got a midlife crisis. I got a sty in
my eyes. I'm wearing these glasses so you guys don't
see it as much, but man, it's just so annoying.
It's just like ages, baby, just aging, aging, aging. That's
why we're here for Midlife Crisis is make sure you
guys like and subscribe. We got some awesome episodes. We've
(02:14):
had a bunch of really great episodes already. We're really
just really kicking off or really ramping up. So make
sure you check some of those out, especially if they
apply to you, send them to your friends, pass it around.
That's something to me and some of my friends do
as well. When we hear a good podcast we like,
especially if it's about something like friendship or life or
money or whatever, something that can be helpful and hopefully
we speak into that. You guys are here for that
(02:35):
as well. But like William said, we're not alone. We
got somebody else here too. Mister Tyson Apossa.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
What's up? The only one of the three that hasn't
gotten a sty in their eye yet? Which is crazy? Yet?
I said, yet? I know yet? Yeah, And I have
a question that comes from one of our listeners on
our Divorce podcast where we talked to William about how
to treat a or sees when you see them and
(03:03):
check in on them, and the question was about children.
I assume the question from their perspective was how do
you share the children knowing that there's that dynamic where
you kind of want to be the favorite, but you
also want to respect the other parent as well, and
there's a balance there of being the parent but also
(03:24):
being the fun parent and all of that thing. And
that also translates to my life as a married person.
Is I'm the favorite parent and that clearly sometimes hurts
my wife's feelings. But I can't just start being the
mean parent, Like my wife's not the mean parent, but
(03:46):
like I can't change that without then me losing some
of my status with my kids as the cool guy.
So how do you balance that? I don't even know
how to word that. How do you balance being the
fun parent but also still being the parent while respecting
(04:07):
the other parent?
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Interesting question. I think that I'm the fun parent too,
and I'm too fun, like, way too fun like bedtime
blowing through it. This week has been oh my gosh,
I've got I've got my daughter for like nine days
in a row right now, and I've got a ton
of work going on and I'm trying to maintain and
(04:30):
stay sane. But man, we've been going to bed at
eight and then her not going to sleep until like
nine thirty ten, She's getting up, she's crying. It's like
it's brutal, brutal stuff. So I can definitely commiserate about
being a single parent and trying to figure it out
as far as like do you want to be the favorite?
(04:50):
Do you wanna? You know what I mean, It's it's
all about playing to your strengths in a big way.
So for me, it's it's there's some things that I'm
really good at as a parent and some things that
I'm not as good at, and like supporting my other
co parent in a way that allows her to be
good at what she's good at, and then also myself
(05:11):
being that fun dad. Maybe eventually learning how to put
some boundaries on that, but for now it's it's, yeah,
just the way embracing.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
So does your co parent though, say hey, stop being
the fun parent now? When I have her, she expects
me to be the fun parent, and when I'm not,
she's like I wish I was with dad, Like what
is that? Like?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Good question.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
For the most part, I feel like my daughter adapts
really easily between the two houses, Like she very rarely
tries to play that game like, well, at Mommy's I
can do this or Daddy's I can do this. I
think that she it's almost like two different worlds for her,
and she fits into those worlds like right when she
(06:00):
comes to each co parents' house. So I don't think
that it's it's really like that for us. Of course,
there are things where it's like, oh my mommy got
me this, My mommy got me this. Why won't you
get me this? But it's pretty rare. And that's again
what I mean about playing to your strengths. It's like, oh,
maybe I don't get you as many dolls, but we're
(06:22):
going to go swimming and we're going to go do
all these other fun things. So that's kind of how
I can play into my strengths and support more of
my values while also still being there for her and
making sure that she's enjoying her time when she's with me,
and it's special for both of us.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Okay, I like that playing into your strengths. Bradley, Do
you have this dynamic in your family?
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
I mean I think William summed it up well there,
because you know, for us, there's a bounce. We have
two kids living under the roof here. We have a
sixth grade daughter and we have a five year old
pre k son. We also have a twenty eight year
old foster daughter, but she's out on her own doing
her own things. So in terms of like the in
(07:08):
house kind of responsibilities and stuff, I think it's it
gets divided amongst strengths because you know you, I don't
think there's like a conscious I'm trying to be the
fun parent. I think my like a lot of dads
I've spoken with, because I also had a dad podcast
called Attempting Fatherhood, and a lot of the dads I
(07:30):
talk to, like we and myself included, are doers. And
so like, if if you say, okay, you're in charge
of the kids for four hours, we're going to be
doing We're probably going outside. We may we go do
an errand we may go do the park, like we're
gonna do. Right, I'm not so much to like stay
at home and play with the things. But my wife
(07:51):
was actually doing it right now because our son is
sick and he's at home, and it's a crisis because
then we had to push our meetings from today and
now we're trying to figure out who gets what at
what point how do we get him out of the
house for her meetings anyway, So it's all of that
kind of stuff, and and so that's do what's that? Yeah,
And I'm a doer, So I said, after this, Wait wait.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Did you say, yeah, you're a doer? So after this,
you're taking the kid out of the house. It's already probably.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Already we're going to the park. Yeah, and I know
that's what we're gonna do.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
So that that's kind of one of those things that
that is a little bit of my strength. But I
think as i've parented longer, like the very beginning kid one,
you don't know what you're doing. I mean, technically, no
parent really fully understands what they're doing. Every kid is different,
scenarios change, whatever. But something that I've learned now is
like I try to think steps down the road, like
this decision is going to impact this thing five steps away. Yeah,
(08:42):
you know, Like, for instance, a good one might be
like you're having fun and it's bedtime and you're riling
your kid up and you're tickling them, or you're telling
them fun stories and what a great day we had,
and this is great, and then you think you're just
gonna put the covers on and walk away, Well, nobody,
you just bought yourself like another forty five minutes of
like having to bring them back down again, back to
and so like I've learned some of that just through
(09:03):
trial and error, and so you know, there's other things
that are along those lines that I can play into
my strengths. My wife is definitely on the emotional support side.
She's the one who my kids cry to.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
You know. I'm like, I was just with my daughter.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
She said she had a good day at school, and
then like ten minutes later, I hear her crying upstairs
talking to mom about how this person was mean and
she didn't get this assignment. And I'm like, what it
was the same day, What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Like it was just because.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
She's tell me your secrets exactly.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
Come on, I'm safe. I'm not just fun, you know.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
But but we do have that luxury of having two parents,
both freelance who can be around. Right, if you have
a parent that works all the time, sometimes that's not
as easy to do.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
You have to be more, you know.
Speaker 4 (09:47):
Like like intentional about that.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Right.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
Like when I was working on a show and I
was busy like seven to four, seven to five every day,
I had to consciously be like, I'm going to take
my daughter on a daddy daughter date, Like we have
to spend those times together or you know, if my
wife is out of town for a couple of days,
she comes back, she'll take my daughter to ice cream
or our daughter to ice cream. So there's those types
of things that you know, if if that's your setup,
(10:13):
because everyone's family dynamics are different and working relationships are
different or whatever. But I like the idea of playing
into your strengths because if you don't and you try
to become that person you think you're supposed to be
either A, it feels fake and it's and your kids
read that. Man, kids are so friggin smart, Like they
don't even know how smart they are, but they've got eq.
They're just they just don't know how to put words
(10:33):
to what they're feeling. But then also be you could
be doubling up on something and missing out on what
you truly bring to the table as yourself. I mean
that that offspring, whether they're genetically yours or not, is
under your care and that's for a reason. It's they
need that part of you too. So if you're just
like trying to both be like tough parent, then it
(10:54):
doesn't it doesn't work.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
So well, yeah, so my dynamic gear Rachel and I
are home most of the time. We both work from home.
We have the kids, I pick them up, I drive
them around a lot. You two girls, I have two girls,
a nine year old and a six year old yep,
and they almost always fight over who gets dad first
(11:18):
for bedtime story, Who's going to play with dad, Who's
gonna go with Dad on his thing while the other
one goes with mom. They're always like, I'm going dad,
I'm gonna I want dad, i want Dad first. I'm
gonna sit by Dad at.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
The Rachel's like, I birthed you, I brought you into
this world, and my moms get no love though that's
part of it.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
So many times Rachel's been like that kind of hurts
my feelings. Guys, when you're like crying because you have
to be with me instead of get dad, like, and
I'm like, I'm not doing anything. I'm not purposely trying
to set out to like do this. But the kids
is like they they just like prefer me in those
situations almost all the time, and.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
They know you, yeah, and.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
That just makes it strange because I don't even know Rachel,
but I prefer Rachel to you in these situations.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Yeah, And I don't and I'm like, but I can't
like try to how do I remedy that. I can't
remedy that by being like a dick, Like I don't know,
like what like this how to fix that? I can try,
but or just like try to make it like push
(12:30):
the kids to Rachel more. But we share them equally,
we are around them all the time, we're doing stuff.
I just somehow come off as more of the fun guy,
I guess. Although for Valentine's Bergen did come home and
be like, I gotta talk to mom, and she was like,
I need to buy a Valentine for a boy because
(12:51):
all the all of my girl's friend group is all
buying Valentine's for their Valentine. And I was like, you
could have told me. Why didn't you tell me that.
You could have told me that. No, I and part
of me was like, oh, she doesn't. She thinks I'm
gonna either make fun of her or it's weird to
talk to her dad about that stuff. And I was like, good,
that's good, but also come to dad yeast time. Yeah,
(13:16):
so uh it is circling around a little bit, but
like I don't know, I think also.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
There's there's phases I mean six and nine when they're
they say.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
That, they say that, but it's been Dad since day one, the.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Start ignoring them more, being meaner to him. You can
figure this out.
Speaker 4 (13:36):
I just got a lot easier to William Drum School
of parenting.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Well even it's crazy because yesterday Marlowe was super tired
in a terrible mood and I was just like, no,
we're not going to do that right now, and she
just ah and she try to you know, hit me
and be scream at me. And then five minutes later
Rachel like, okay, come on, and she's like, no, I
(14:01):
want dad, And I'd be like, you just yelled and
screamed at me after I had to discipline you a
little bit and you still so I was like I
win either way.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Do you ever ever liked talks like publicly to your
to your kids? Do you ever talk up your wife? Like, man,
what a cool thing mom did? Like I don't know,
like if there's like some way that you even seed
some of that, like you love me, but I approve
of her so much, like I like, you know, she
is cool?
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Yeah I do. And I'm like mom makes such good food.
You guys love baking mom does this. I think though Bradley,
I resonate with when you said you're a doer, I'm
also a doer and they like that. Rachel tries to
be a doer and then she's like we went to
the trampoline center and then I we stayed fifteen minutes
(14:52):
and then I left. He's like, no, you got.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
To stay fifteen minutes to fill out the form.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah, you got to stay until they're falling asleep. Or
she'll be like, let's go to the aquarium, and we'll
get to the aquarium and she's like, Okay, let's go home.
We have a season past. We only need to be
here for twenty minutes at a time. I was like, no,
let the kids run around until they're sick of it.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Yeah, it's interesting and.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So but she'll like spend the day baking and doing
that with them. But if they're wanting to play and
do something outside, Rachel has that's you. She's yeah, that's me.
Rachel has a different skill set and so I don't know,
but even like as even as babies, they would be
(15:36):
like dad, you know, it's like, yeah, That's what I'm
talking about.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
I think that as co parents, first of all, you
don't want to be competing at all. To be like
the favorite.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Parents don't happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Happens naturally. And I'm sure that you know there's jealousy
and there's all these other things that come into it.
But you're just talking about talking up your other parent.
You're I mean, for you guys, it's your wife. But
for me, I think talking up my other my co parent,
is so important because it makes her feel like like
we're still connected in some way, like when she goes
(16:13):
to her mom's house, it's not really a completely different world.
So I do think that even if, I mean, if
you're too jealous, you can talk up other stuff that
isn't as important, like oh, yeah, your mom buys you
really nice barbies. That's cool, but we're going to go
play this amazing adventure now. But but yeah, like saying
kind stuff about your co parent, even if it's hard,
(16:36):
you don't necessarily buy into it one hundred percent. I
think is really good for your daughter, for your your
kid that you're sharing.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
And I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Probably one of the hardest, most depressing, brutal parts of
being a co parent is when your kid like really
misses the other parent, Like, I've had a couple of
nights where my daughter Rowan, she's four years old, she'll
just cry for mommy, and it's like you can't do
anything about it, Like you can't, you know, there's nothing.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
You can do.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
And and it's only happened a couple of times, but
it's like a half hour of her just saying mommy,
mommy's crying for mommy, and it's like I'm doing everything
I can, like I love you, we had a good day.
But if you can't, you know, there's nothing you can do.
So that's another reason why you have to make sure
that like you're being their farm and and if you're
(17:32):
not as good as certain things, make sure you're better
at other things so that those moments are minimized. And
even when they're they're with your co parent, they're you know,
they're not so broken up about being apart from you
either way kind of thing. Like otherwise it's it's just
a terrible situation.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
But would it bring you pleasure if your daughter was
with her mom and you found out that she was
constantly crying for.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
You, No, it wouldn't make me. It would make me sad,
maybe just a little. I mean, maybe a little bit
to know that it goes both ways, that like, okay.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Right, right, especially because you see the other side of it.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah, but it Yeah, you're right, it wouldn't make you sad,
But it.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Just makes me sad because it's like, yeah, yeah, I mean.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
I had you can't do anything about it either.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
I can't do anything about it either way.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
So Rachel's been out of town and the kids have
been like, I miss mom. And then Rachel will get
home so excited to see the kids, and the kids
will be like, can dad tuck me in tonight? And
She's like, I've been gone for four days, and I'm like,
you guys have been talking about how much you miss mom,
like here's your chance.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
And I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I think I think my kids do it on purpose,
just to just to just to ras everybody.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
That seems genetic.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Actually, I guess it is me.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
I also think it's interesting parenting has changed from the
standpoint of like, you know, the Latchkey kids, parenting in
the eighties, parenting in the nineties, and like parenting now
just in terms of like I never remember being like
I just miss mom or I just miss dad. And
it's funny because if Kirsen and I go on a date,
even like we're walking there because we live in this
(19:19):
great community with some restaurants and stuff, almost like like Brooklyn,
which is where we live for a while. So that's
why we picked this place in Atlanta. And we have
a babysitter come over, even a friend in the neighborhood
who's older who can kind of be here.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Elis is sixth grade. She doesn't need much.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
She's like, she will be crying because we're going out
to dinner, even though she was at school all day.
It's like there's something about that separation. Some of that's
because we both work from home, so we see each
other all the time.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
But like you know, Kirsen will.
Speaker 4 (19:45):
Go away for work three days, go shoot something in
La or whatever, and then come back and it's the
beginning of that. To rip away is like the end
of the world.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
I mean, they can't maybe going out of teddygether.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
And it's just funny because I was reflecting back on it.
Granted I'm a guy too, but I was like, I
don't My dad would go on trips all the time
for work. Don't remember being like, where's Dad? You know,
mom will go out of town on vacation. I was like,
where's Mom? And I don't know if that's just because
we've done too good of a job.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
Too good our kids.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
Yeah, but I just think it's just a totally different
dynamic now too than it was back then. It's just
like Mom's out of town. Well I would just shut up. Okay, great,
we're going for moving on all right.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Well, my dad was the disciplinarian, so like my mom
was stay at home mom. Yeah, cook all the meals
from scratch, be there all the time. So I had
more interactions with my mom like that. And then anytime
I got in trouble, my mom would be like, you're
telling your dad as soon as he gets your dad
and the police, No, no, no, I have to hide.
Where can I go? What can I do? Can I
(20:45):
get my mom to forget about this before my dad
gets hold? Yeah yeah, And so it was full panic mode.
And so that's how you I viewed my dad for
a long time, was the disciplinarian, yeah, and that he
was just like the heavy hand.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
I do remember when I was a kid, like if
I was ever injured, I always wanted my mommy for sure.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Oh yeah, Like as far as just overall comfort or sick.
When you're sick or sick, yeah, yeah, only mom, Dad's
not buying me a two liter a sprite now.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
Some salty and and gatory. Right, take a shower, I'll
see you in the morning, exactly.
Speaker 3 (21:23):
Suck it up.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Well.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I think that all co parents know that, like the
handoff days are the worst days because of what you're
talking about, Bradley, where uh you know, the when the
other parents first leaves they really miss them. For co parents,
it's like that.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
All the time, like oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Every single week that one day of and it's bad
both ways.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
It's when your arms and they're like thank you dad,
and then you're like, oh, that's terrible for mom, or
if they're like I don't want to go to right, Yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
You're getting them because then you're like reminded of the
good times in the relationship and like being that family
unit and kind of having that nostalgia. And then obviously
when you're giving them up, it's like, oh my house
is really quiet. I miss my daughter. So like those
handoff days are really brutal. They're better now that we've
(22:20):
been separated for thirteen months. Fourteen months or whatever, but
still like sometimes I'll drop rowing off, come home and
just look around and just be like, man, this is
weird and like not not fun.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yeah, and how do you cope with that?
Speaker 2 (22:40):
By being busy and by working and especially because it
is hard to get enough done when I have her, Like,
there's other things that I'm really thankful for when I
do have the time to myself, you know, whether that's
working out more, or working on my business more, or
trying to go all the friends so like make up,
or by by doing the stuff that I would be
(23:02):
doing if I wasn't a dad, basically, like just using
that time for something beneficial or also just to relax too,
like sometimes after having my daughter for an extended period
of time's days.
Speaker 4 (23:18):
Yeah, I would imagine you're kind of like every second matters,
every exact moment matters with her, because I you know,
she's gone for a week, you know, and then she's back.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
But then yeah, so it's betting tilt and.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Then stuff builds up too. It's like like that's what's
happening right now. I've got her for more than a week.
And I've told you guys about this before, but every
single night, Like I run a business, I've got my photography,
I've got a bunch of other stuff going on. So
it's I get through what I can in the day,
go pick her up from daycare, try to do something fun,
(23:51):
like yesterday we went to the pool and then came
home and made some dinner. And then it's always like, Okay,
I've got these up other couple tasks that I'm going
to do soon as you go to bed. So like
I made a meeting with one of my contractors for
nine pm last night, and I was like, okay, you'll
definitely a nine pm, Yeah exactly, And then you know,
(24:12):
nine thirty, eight thirty comes, I'm like, I don't know,
it's not looking very good. Nine thirty comes, She's still
not asleep, and it's just like god, damn. So then
there's all these things that build up. So then when
I have the chance to get the stuff done, it's good.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah in a lot of.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Ways, Like being a co parent is kind of perfect too.
It's kind of like an ideal situation because when you
have your kid, they're they're with you, you can do
fun stuff like you're spending all your time together. It's
really great and then when you don't have your kid,
you've got your freedom. You can do whateverever you want.
So that's another thing I try to remind myself of,
especially like on those handoff times or when things are
(24:52):
just rough, like last night, I just am like, Okay, well, yeah,
it's like there's a lot, it's intense, but I've also
got a full week without her next week, and there's
all these other things that I can do for me
and for for my business, things I haven't got done.
So yeah, you gotta look on the bright side of things.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
And the hard thing about parenting too is the minute
you figure it out, it changes no matter what that is, right,
Like it can be healthy habits, it could be negative habits.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
I I don't know what it is.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
But like if I like I have this stye, I'm
just like, I guess I'm gonna have it forever.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
You know, Like.
Speaker 4 (25:27):
It's like, Okay, I rolled my ankle, I guess I'm
gonna have a hurt ankle for the rest of my life.
You know, Like if my kid wakes up in the
middle of the night, I'm like, screw it. I guess
this is just it forever. I guess I'm never going
to sleep again. I guess I'm just gonna have to
deal with this, right and then it just then then
you forget that. No, that does change the good and
the bad. Nothing stays forever, and their age changes. They're
(25:48):
growing up, they're adapting, they're evolving. You know, you're you're
gonna get better at what you're doing, just in time
for it to change. I mean, every ever since like
day one the baby is born and you're like, oh, okay,
we kind of figured it out. Then it's like, oh
if now we just got to sleep train. Now, we
got to get him out of diapers. Now, now they're teething,
Now we gotta and you're just like, oh my gosh.
So to some degree, it's like it's not broken just
(26:12):
because it feels broken, Like it's kind of like this
is the this is the natural way that it goes.
But it just sucks sometimes because you're like, well, I
guess that's it. I'm never sleeping again. I get that
way at night. I don't mind getting up early. Here's
when I were just talking about this at night. If
if flock or somebody wakes up at like one in
the morning, I am furious. I am just absolute animal style. Like,
(26:36):
unless it's a real nice request, like I have to
go peepee, it's like fine. But if it's like you
wake up and you're like I can't go back to sleep,
you know, like a scream, I just can't handle it.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
That's so funny you say that, Bradly, because that's literally
been on my mind like all week, Like that time
is just going to be brutal and horrible, terrible for
the rest of my life. Every time my daughter, it's
going to be horrible.
Speaker 4 (27:02):
Yeah, but you ever have a meeting at nine o'clock
with the contractor, again, that's out the window.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
But you're right, it was all everything changes, it's all phases.
So thank you for calling that out.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Yeah, I'm as much to myself as it is to you, sir.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah. I mean with our six year old right now,
you have to get her all the way to sleep
and you just have to. And I've said this to
people before and they're like, do you want some sleep
training techniques? It's like, no, it's fine. She goes to
sleep when once I just have to read to her
for a bit, sing her some songs, tickle her arms
or her legs until she's snoring. And then we're good
(27:39):
and they're like, Okay, well you could just take some
sleep training stuff, and I was like, I know, but
this is going to last forever. Yeah, and if when
I'm ninety and she's sixty set fifty five and she's
like old enough that she remembers that I used to
(27:59):
tickle her arms until she was snoring, then maybeking better
care of me when I'm a geriatric man who's lost
he That's a sweet idea.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
That's a sweet idea.
Speaker 4 (28:12):
I also somebody told me one time, like, you know,
we can have a whole dispressional here about secondary education
when you go to college or not with debt, et cetera.
But the term someone was like, they're not going to
college without being able to go to sleep. They're not
going to go to college without knowing how to drink
out of a straw, Like yeah, you know, it feels
like they're never going to get these things that they need.
And it's like they're not going to be a twenty
(28:33):
year old that can't put themselves to bed. You're not
going to be rubbing her arms at age she's forty
and you're just like over there, like hey, husbands, scoot
out of the way.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
I'm rubbing my daughter's arms all year.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
We're not store neighbors.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Yeah, Roland loves pretending like she's hungry, like right before
she goes to sleep.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
I saw a meme that was like, nobody in the
world cares more about hydration in the body than at toddler.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
I need some water. You can to drink water all day.
I need a snack. We just had dinner like an
hour and you didn't eat it. You didn't eat it exactly,
probably why you're hungry. But that's what we got. And
we even told you then that you were going to
be hungry. Now it never ends like that anything.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
String cheese is in bed right before bed, like almost
every night, just in the dark, just.
Speaker 4 (29:24):
Like, yeah, we've had a therapists some of my early memories.
We're going to sleep in the dark eating string cheese
at my dad's place.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
We only allow them if they are really adamant about
being hungry. Then it's like, Okay, here's the list of fruits,
and here's the list of vegetables. Choice from that, right, Yeah,
and one carrot or to choice. You can have an
apple to carrot, some blueberries, strawberries, a banana or snap piece.
Speaker 4 (29:55):
This is also from the guy who what did you
say you pay your kids to clean the backyard, like
fifty cents or something. We had a conversation about that.
You're just like, I'll pay them to clean up the
backyard twenty five cents or fifty.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Yeah, I don't know if I have a conversation about that,
but we do pay them a quarter to the tours. Yeah.
They like it though, like they want to earn money. Yeah,
because they're like, there's these quarter machines and I was like, oh.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yeah, kids still love those.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
They love them.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
My daughter wants to have her birthday party near a
grocery store so she and her friends can go in
and spend a quarter on these little turney machines. I'm like, yeah, yeah,
that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Else they love is the crane things where they grab
oh over over, Yeah, I get so mad on a
freaking little rubber ducky and you're.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Like, yeah, I can do this, I can do this.
Or the other thing they really love is those surprise toys.
And they're like, I wonder what Sonic character to get now,
And you're like, you got Sonic again, Like that's that's
what happens with a random draws. Sometimes you're gonna get
the same thing. Okay, I guess I'll give it away.
(31:07):
So I just bought that for you to give away. Yeah, fine, whatever.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
But maybe this one, this one, what could be in
that one?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Feel it a little bit or do something, See if
you could figure it out a little bit that you
don't have it because I'm tired of getting the repeats
on these surprise toys. But they love the surprise toys,
so true tell they don't and even then they don't
think that they don't love them. They're just mad that
they got to repeat toy.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
It's like there's only ten options, like you have a
ten percent chance of getting I.
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Want to get the ultra Rare one, though, I want
to get the Ultrarare one.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Why is it ultra Are because it says so on
the on it?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
And then when you what are you gonna do with
it when you get it?
Speaker 4 (31:46):
I'm gonna what do you mean? Well, what are you
gonna do with it? Like you're striving after your this
is everything? What are you gonna do once you get it?
I'm gonna put it on the shelf.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
I guess play with it.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
There's no end game. It's the now game. And that's
partly how it gets too.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
I mean, I mean a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
That's lucky though, because they can just get over things
so fast, like yeah, just absolutely heartbroken about something and
then just yeah, completely out of their brain.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
It's so true.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Good for them.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Back to the question, though, I think that really, especially
with co parenting, First of all, you got to try
to fight those urges to be the favorite parent. You
want your kid to love both of you the same,
because relative's gonna suck for them when they're with the
other parent if they're much more to the other parent.
And then as part of that, playing to those strainths,
(32:40):
making sure that you do what you're good at and
involve them in it, and try not to talk trash
about your other co parent. Always try not talk trash
about your other co parent, white the opposite, give praise
to your other co parent when you can, and just
understand that in the long run it's better for you,
(33:02):
better for the kid, and better for the other parent
for them to love you equally.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
Yeah, that's good takeaway right there. I think I would
just echo.
Speaker 4 (33:11):
That, and I would add maybe for those who are
co parenting together, like under the same roof you're married
or your partners or whatever. Just communicate does it feel
like there's something lacking? Does it feel like, you know,
I feel like they love you more. You got to
get that out otherwise you start resenting the other parent
or resisting the kids going to them or whatever.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
So yeah, and I will make them a bigger effort
to hype Rachel up in front of the kids so
that they are more excited to choose her first for
tuck in time and stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
And don't forget about just ignoring them and like treating
them poorly too. Those are important components.
Speaker 3 (33:51):
Yeah, that was a good takeaway earlier.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Also build Rachel's relationship with.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Them strong and don't like mom, but dad hates me.
So I guess I'm just going that way.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Rachel and the kids could just sit there and talk
shit about you, and then that'll really be a good
bonding moment for them.
Speaker 3 (34:06):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
That is true. They'd like Rachel for the record, They
just whenever it comes down to like, it's just too
cool funny. Yeah, so all right, I really like that.
I like that episode. Hopefully we were able to answer
that question from one of our listeners about parenthood, sharing
kids with partners, whether your partners are in the same
(34:29):
house or not until next week, like subscribe, share, do
all of those things. Let's get the word out because
we're all going through this crisis together and the more
the merrier.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
And that was really fun answering that question. So we
would love to hear more questions from you guys about
any element of crisises midlife crisis, is getting older, dealing
with separation, dealing with divorce, all these kind of things.
We want to hear from you guys, and you I'll
bring you into the conversation and talk to you about
it and help you commiserate. So please comment here, send
(35:06):
us an email, whatever you gotta do, just holler.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Well next week. CEO Lend us Friends Blends Blends U
Welcome back to Midlife Crisises. I'm Tyson, one of the hosts.
Thank you so much for liking, subscribing, commenting, sharing. All
of that stuff helps us continue to do this podcast,
and we would appreciate if you would continue to do
that each and every episode. We love you guys so much.
We want to keep doing this and that is one
of the ways to guarantee, I mean nothing at nice
(00:23):
guarantee then we will keep doing this. So smash that
subscribe button, that like button, that follow button, whatever buttons
are there, smash them all.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And we really want to hear for you guys too.
We want to hear about your midlife crisises. We want
to know what kind of stuff you are going through
so that we can talk about it and share our
insights about trying to survive.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
This quote as well.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
So let's get into it. What's up everybody? Midlife Crisis
is podcast here and the question today comes from a listener,
and it is how to balance sharing children, whether you're divorced, married,
whatever it is. What is that balance between being the
favorite and passing off your kids to your spouse or
(01:09):
your co parent and also have them in some ways
be the favorite and that is a very tricky and
hard balance to find. We're going to talk about it today.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Hello everybody, this is Midlife Crisises, where we talk about
all the strenuous, painful things going on in our lives,
talk about them, joke about them, and hopefully give you
guys some insight and some answers to what you're going
through as well in your midlife crisises. My name is
William Drumm. I'm an underwater photographer based in Denver, and
(01:39):
I'm joined today by my two special special co hosts.
Mister Bradley.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Yo, what's up? Bradley?
Speaker 4 (01:46):
Hasim right here coming to here from the atl piece
up a town.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
You know that's how we roll?
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Is that how you roll?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Yeah, that's how I roll.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Man.
Speaker 4 (01:53):
You know me from the main streets Inouse, Tennessee. Originally,
I've got a midlife crisis. I got a sty in
my eyes. I'm wearing these glasses so you guys don't
see it as much, but man, it's just so annoying.
It's just like ages, baby, just aging, aging, aging. That's
why we're here for Midlife Crisis is make sure you
guys like and subscribe. We got some awesome episodes. We've
(02:14):
had a bunch of really great episodes already. We're really
just really kicking off or really ramping up. So make
sure you check some of those out, especially if they
apply to you, send them to your friends, pass it around.
That's something to me and some of my friends do
as well. When we hear a good podcast we like,
especially if it's about something like friendship or life or
money or whatever, something that can be helpful and hopefully
we speak into that. You guys are here for that
(02:35):
as well. But like William said, we're not alone. We
got somebody else here too. Mister Tyson Apossa.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
What's up? The only one of the three that hasn't
gotten a sty in their eye yet? Which is crazy? Yet?
I said, yet? I know yet? Yeah, And I have
a question that comes from one of our listeners on
our Divorce podcast where we talked to William about how
to treat a or sees when you see them and
(03:03):
check in on them, and the question was about children.
I assume the question from their perspective was how do
you share the children knowing that there's that dynamic where
you kind of want to be the favorite, but you
also want to respect the other parent as well, and
there's a balance there of being the parent but also
(03:24):
being the fun parent and all of that thing. And
that also translates to my life as a married person.
Is I'm the favorite parent and that clearly sometimes hurts
my wife's feelings. But I can't just start being the
mean parent, Like my wife's not the mean parent, but
(03:46):
like I can't change that without then me losing some
of my status with my kids as the cool guy.
So how do you balance that? I don't even know
how to word that. How do you balance being the
fun parent but also still being the parent while respecting
(04:07):
the other parent?
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Interesting question. I think that I'm the fun parent too,
and I'm too fun, like, way too fun like bedtime
blowing through it. This week has been oh my gosh,
I've got I've got my daughter for like nine days
in a row right now, and I've got a ton
of work going on and I'm trying to maintain and
(04:30):
stay sane. But man, we've been going to bed at
eight and then her not going to sleep until like
nine thirty ten, She's getting up, she's crying. It's like
it's brutal, brutal stuff. So I can definitely commiserate about
being a single parent and trying to figure it out
as far as like do you want to be the favorite?
(04:50):
Do you wanna? You know what I mean, It's it's
all about playing to your strengths in a big way.
So for me, it's it's there's some things that I'm
really good at as a parent and some things that
I'm not as good at, and like supporting my other
co parent in a way that allows her to be
good at what she's good at, and then also myself
(05:11):
being that fun dad. Maybe eventually learning how to put
some boundaries on that, but for now it's it's, yeah,
just the way embracing.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
So does your co parent though, say hey, stop being
the fun parent now? When I have her, she expects
me to be the fun parent, and when I'm not,
she's like I wish I was with dad, Like what
is that? Like?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Good question.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
For the most part, I feel like my daughter adapts
really easily between the two houses, Like she very rarely
tries to play that game like, well, at Mommy's I
can do this or Daddy's I can do this. I
think that she it's almost like two different worlds for her,
and she fits into those worlds like right when she
(06:00):
comes to each co parents' house. So I don't think
that it's it's really like that for us. Of course,
there are things where it's like, oh my mommy got
me this, My mommy got me this. Why won't you
get me this? But it's pretty rare. And that's again
what I mean about playing to your strengths. It's like, oh,
maybe I don't get you as many dolls, but we're
(06:22):
going to go swimming and we're going to go do
all these other fun things. So that's kind of how
I can play into my strengths and support more of
my values while also still being there for her and
making sure that she's enjoying her time when she's with me,
and it's special for both of us.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Okay, I like that playing into your strengths. Bradley, Do
you have this dynamic in your family?
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
I mean I think William summed it up well there,
because you know, for us, there's a bounce. We have
two kids living under the roof here. We have a
sixth grade daughter and we have a five year old
pre k son. We also have a twenty eight year
old foster daughter, but she's out on her own doing
her own things. So in terms of like the in
(07:08):
house kind of responsibilities and stuff, I think it's it
gets divided amongst strengths because you know you, I don't
think there's like a conscious I'm trying to be the
fun parent. I think my like a lot of dads
I've spoken with, because I also had a dad podcast
called Attempting Fatherhood, and a lot of the dads I
(07:30):
talk to, like we and myself included, are doers. And
so like, if if you say, okay, you're in charge
of the kids for four hours, we're going to be
doing We're probably going outside. We may we go do
an errand we may go do the park, like we're
gonna do. Right, I'm not so much to like stay
at home and play with the things. But my wife
(07:51):
was actually doing it right now because our son is
sick and he's at home, and it's a crisis because
then we had to push our meetings from today and
now we're trying to figure out who gets what at
what point how do we get him out of the
house for her meetings anyway, So it's all of that
kind of stuff, and and so that's do what's that? Yeah,
And I'm a doer, So I said, after this, Wait wait.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Did you say, yeah, you're a doer? So after this,
you're taking the kid out of the house. It's already probably.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Already we're going to the park. Yeah, and I know
that's what we're gonna do.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
So that that's kind of one of those things that
that is a little bit of my strength. But I
think as i've parented longer, like the very beginning kid one,
you don't know what you're doing. I mean, technically, no
parent really fully understands what they're doing. Every kid is different,
scenarios change, whatever. But something that I've learned now is
like I try to think steps down the road, like
this decision is going to impact this thing five steps away. Yeah,
(08:42):
you know, Like, for instance, a good one might be
like you're having fun and it's bedtime and you're riling
your kid up and you're tickling them, or you're telling
them fun stories and what a great day we had,
and this is great, and then you think you're just
gonna put the covers on and walk away, Well, nobody,
you just bought yourself like another forty five minutes of
like having to bring them back down again, back to
and so like I've learned some of that just through
(09:03):
trial and error, and so you know, there's other things
that are along those lines that I can play into
my strengths. My wife is definitely on the emotional support side.
She's the one who my kids cry to.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
You know. I'm like, I was just with my daughter.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
She said she had a good day at school, and
then like ten minutes later, I hear her crying upstairs
talking to mom about how this person was mean and
she didn't get this assignment. And I'm like, what it
was the same day, What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Like it was just because.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
She's tell me your secrets exactly.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
Come on, I'm safe. I'm not just fun, you know.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
But but we do have that luxury of having two parents,
both freelance who can be around. Right, if you have
a parent that works all the time, sometimes that's not
as easy to do.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
You have to be more, you know.
Speaker 4 (09:47):
Like like intentional about that.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
Right.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
Like when I was working on a show and I
was busy like seven to four, seven to five every day,
I had to consciously be like, I'm going to take
my daughter on a daddy daughter date, Like we have
to spend those times together or you know, if my
wife is out of town for a couple of days,
she comes back, she'll take my daughter to ice cream
or our daughter to ice cream. So there's those types
of things that you know, if if that's your setup,
(10:13):
because everyone's family dynamics are different and working relationships are
different or whatever. But I like the idea of playing
into your strengths because if you don't and you try
to become that person you think you're supposed to be
either A, it feels fake and it's and your kids
read that. Man, kids are so friggin smart, Like they
don't even know how smart they are, but they've got eq.
They're just they just don't know how to put words
(10:33):
to what they're feeling. But then also be you could
be doubling up on something and missing out on what
you truly bring to the table as yourself. I mean
that that offspring, whether they're genetically yours or not, is
under your care and that's for a reason. It's they
need that part of you too. So if you're just
like trying to both be like tough parent, then it
(10:54):
doesn't it doesn't work.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
So well, yeah, so my dynamic gear Rachel and I
are home most of the time. We both work from home.
We have the kids, I pick them up, I drive
them around a lot. You two girls, I have two girls,
a nine year old and a six year old yep,
and they almost always fight over who gets dad first
(11:18):
for bedtime story, Who's going to play with dad, Who's
gonna go with Dad on his thing while the other
one goes with mom. They're always like, I'm going dad,
I'm gonna I want dad, i want Dad first. I'm
gonna sit by Dad at.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
The Rachel's like, I birthed you, I brought you into
this world, and my moms get no love though that's
part of it.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
So many times Rachel's been like that kind of hurts
my feelings. Guys, when you're like crying because you have
to be with me instead of get dad, like, and
I'm like, I'm not doing anything. I'm not purposely trying
to set out to like do this. But the kids
is like they they just like prefer me in those
situations almost all the time, and.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
They know you, yeah, and.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
That just makes it strange because I don't even know Rachel,
but I prefer Rachel to you in these situations.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Yeah, And I don't and I'm like, but I can't
like try to how do I remedy that. I can't
remedy that by being like a dick, Like I don't know,
like what like this how to fix that? I can try,
but or just like try to make it like push
(12:30):
the kids to Rachel more. But we share them equally,
we are around them all the time, we're doing stuff.
I just somehow come off as more of the fun guy,
I guess. Although for Valentine's Bergen did come home and
be like, I gotta talk to mom, and she was like,
I need to buy a Valentine for a boy because
(12:51):
all the all of my girl's friend group is all
buying Valentine's for their Valentine. And I was like, you
could have told me. Why didn't you tell me that.
You could have told me that. No, I and part
of me was like, oh, she doesn't. She thinks I'm
gonna either make fun of her or it's weird to
talk to her dad about that stuff. And I was like, good,
that's good, but also come to dad yeast time. Yeah,
(13:16):
so uh it is circling around a little bit, but
like I don't know, I think also.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
There's there's phases I mean six and nine when they're
they say.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
That, they say that, but it's been Dad since day one, the.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Start ignoring them more, being meaner to him. You can
figure this out.
Speaker 4 (13:36):
I just got a lot easier to William Drum School
of parenting.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Well even it's crazy because yesterday Marlowe was super tired
in a terrible mood and I was just like, no,
we're not going to do that right now, and she
just ah and she try to you know, hit me
and be scream at me. And then five minutes later
Rachel like, okay, come on, and she's like, no, I
(14:01):
want dad, And I'd be like, you just yelled and
screamed at me after I had to discipline you a
little bit and you still so I was like I
win either way.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Do you ever ever liked talks like publicly to your
to your kids? Do you ever talk up your wife? Like, man,
what a cool thing mom did? Like I don't know,
like if there's like some way that you even seed
some of that, like you love me, but I approve
of her so much, like I like, you know, she
is cool?
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Yeah I do. And I'm like mom makes such good food.
You guys love baking mom does this. I think though Bradley,
I resonate with when you said you're a doer, I'm
also a doer and they like that. Rachel tries to
be a doer and then she's like we went to
the trampoline center and then I we stayed fifteen minutes
(14:52):
and then I left. He's like, no, you got.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
To stay fifteen minutes to fill out the form.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah, you got to stay until they're falling asleep. Or
she'll be like, let's go to the aquarium, and we'll
get to the aquarium and she's like, Okay, let's go home.
We have a season past. We only need to be
here for twenty minutes at a time. I was like, no,
let the kids run around until they're sick of it.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Yeah, it's interesting and.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So but she'll like spend the day baking and doing
that with them. But if they're wanting to play and
do something outside, Rachel has that's you. She's yeah, that's me.
Rachel has a different skill set and so I don't know,
but even like as even as babies, they would be
(15:36):
like dad, you know, it's like, yeah, That's what I'm
talking about.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
I think that as co parents, first of all, you
don't want to be competing at all. To be like
the favorite.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Parents don't happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Happens naturally. And I'm sure that you know there's jealousy
and there's all these other things that come into it.
But you're just talking about talking up your other parent.
You're I mean, for you guys, it's your wife. But
for me, I think talking up my other my co parent,
is so important because it makes her feel like like
we're still connected in some way, like when she goes
(16:13):
to her mom's house, it's not really a completely different world.
So I do think that even if, I mean, if
you're too jealous, you can talk up other stuff that
isn't as important, like oh, yeah, your mom buys you
really nice barbies. That's cool, but we're going to go
play this amazing adventure now. But but yeah, like saying
kind stuff about your co parent, even if it's hard,
(16:36):
you don't necessarily buy into it one hundred percent. I
think is really good for your daughter, for your your
kid that you're sharing.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
And I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Probably one of the hardest, most depressing, brutal parts of
being a co parent is when your kid like really
misses the other parent, Like, I've had a couple of
nights where my daughter Rowan, she's four years old, she'll
just cry for mommy, and it's like you can't do
anything about it, Like you can't, you know, there's nothing.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
You can do.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
And and it's only happened a couple of times, but
it's like a half hour of her just saying mommy,
mommy's crying for mommy, and it's like I'm doing everything
I can, like I love you, we had a good day.
But if you can't, you know, there's nothing you can do.
So that's another reason why you have to make sure
that like you're being their farm and and if you're
(17:32):
not as good as certain things, make sure you're better
at other things so that those moments are minimized. And
even when they're they're with your co parent, they're you know,
they're not so broken up about being apart from you
either way kind of thing. Like otherwise it's it's just
a terrible situation.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
But would it bring you pleasure if your daughter was
with her mom and you found out that she was
constantly crying for.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
You, No, it wouldn't make me. It would make me sad,
maybe just a little. I mean, maybe a little bit
to know that it goes both ways, that like, okay.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Right, right, especially because you see the other side of it.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah, but it Yeah, you're right, it wouldn't make you sad,
But it.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Just makes me sad because it's like, yeah, yeah, I mean.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
I had you can't do anything about it either.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
I can't do anything about it either way.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
So Rachel's been out of town and the kids have
been like, I miss mom. And then Rachel will get
home so excited to see the kids, and the kids
will be like, can dad tuck me in tonight? And
She's like, I've been gone for four days, and I'm like,
you guys have been talking about how much you miss mom,
like here's your chance.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
And I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I think I think my kids do it on purpose,
just to just to just to ras everybody.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
That seems genetic.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Actually, I guess it is me.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
I also think it's interesting parenting has changed from the
standpoint of like, you know, the Latchkey kids, parenting in
the eighties, parenting in the nineties, and like parenting now
just in terms of like I never remember being like
I just miss mom or I just miss dad. And
it's funny because if Kirsen and I go on a date,
even like we're walking there because we live in this
(19:19):
great community with some restaurants and stuff, almost like like Brooklyn,
which is where we live for a while. So that's
why we picked this place in Atlanta. And we have
a babysitter come over, even a friend in the neighborhood
who's older who can kind of be here.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Elis is sixth grade. She doesn't need much.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
She's like, she will be crying because we're going out
to dinner, even though she was at school all day.
It's like there's something about that separation. Some of that's
because we both work from home, so we see each
other all the time.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
But like you know, Kirsen will.
Speaker 4 (19:45):
Go away for work three days, go shoot something in
La or whatever, and then come back and it's the
beginning of that. To rip away is like the end
of the world.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
I mean, they can't maybe going out of teddygether.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
And it's just funny because I was reflecting back on it.
Granted I'm a guy too, but I was like, I
don't My dad would go on trips all the time
for work. Don't remember being like, where's Dad? You know,
mom will go out of town on vacation. I was like,
where's Mom? And I don't know if that's just because
we've done too good of a job.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
Too good our kids.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
Yeah, but I just think it's just a totally different
dynamic now too than it was back then. It's just
like Mom's out of town. Well I would just shut up. Okay, great,
we're going for moving on all right.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Well, my dad was the disciplinarian, so like my mom
was stay at home mom. Yeah, cook all the meals
from scratch, be there all the time. So I had
more interactions with my mom like that. And then anytime
I got in trouble, my mom would be like, you're
telling your dad as soon as he gets your dad
and the police, No, no, no, I have to hide.
Where can I go? What can I do? Can I
(20:45):
get my mom to forget about this before my dad
gets hold? Yeah yeah, And so it was full panic mode.
And so that's how you I viewed my dad for
a long time, was the disciplinarian, yeah, and that he
was just like the heavy hand.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
I do remember when I was a kid, like if
I was ever injured, I always wanted my mommy for sure.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Oh yeah, Like as far as just overall comfort or sick.
When you're sick or sick, yeah, yeah, only mom, Dad's
not buying me a two liter a sprite now.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
Some salty and and gatory. Right, take a shower, I'll
see you in the morning, exactly.
Speaker 3 (21:23):
Suck it up.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Well.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I think that all co parents know that, like the
handoff days are the worst days because of what you're
talking about, Bradley, where uh you know, the when the
other parents first leaves they really miss them. For co parents,
it's like that.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
All the time, like oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Every single week that one day of and it's bad
both ways.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
It's when your arms and they're like thank you dad,
and then you're like, oh, that's terrible for mom, or
if they're like I don't want to go to right, Yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
You're getting them because then you're like reminded of the
good times in the relationship and like being that family
unit and kind of having that nostalgia. And then obviously
when you're giving them up, it's like, oh my house
is really quiet. I miss my daughter. So like those
handoff days are really brutal. They're better now that we've
(22:20):
been separated for thirteen months. Fourteen months or whatever, but
still like sometimes I'll drop rowing off, come home and
just look around and just be like, man, this is
weird and like not not fun.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yeah, and how do you cope with that?
Speaker 2 (22:40):
By being busy and by working and especially because it
is hard to get enough done when I have her, Like,
there's other things that I'm really thankful for when I
do have the time to myself, you know, whether that's
working out more, or working on my business more, or
trying to go all the friends so like make up,
or by by doing the stuff that I would be
(23:02):
doing if I wasn't a dad, basically, like just using
that time for something beneficial or also just to relax too,
like sometimes after having my daughter for an extended period
of time's days.
Speaker 4 (23:18):
Yeah, I would imagine you're kind of like every second matters,
every exact moment matters with her, because I you know,
she's gone for a week, you know, and then she's back.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
But then yeah, so it's betting tilt and.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Then stuff builds up too. It's like like that's what's
happening right now. I've got her for more than a week.
And I've told you guys about this before, but every
single night, Like I run a business, I've got my photography,
I've got a bunch of other stuff going on. So
it's I get through what I can in the day,
go pick her up from daycare, try to do something fun,
(23:51):
like yesterday we went to the pool and then came
home and made some dinner. And then it's always like, Okay,
I've got these up other couple tasks that I'm going
to do soon as you go to bed. So like
I made a meeting with one of my contractors for
nine pm last night, and I was like, okay, you'll
definitely a nine pm, Yeah exactly, And then you know,
(24:12):
nine thirty, eight thirty comes, I'm like, I don't know,
it's not looking very good. Nine thirty comes, She's still
not asleep, and it's just like god, damn. So then
there's all these things that build up. So then when
I have the chance to get the stuff done, it's good.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah in a lot of.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Ways, Like being a co parent is kind of perfect too.
It's kind of like an ideal situation because when you
have your kid, they're they're with you, you can do
fun stuff like you're spending all your time together. It's
really great and then when you don't have your kid,
you've got your freedom. You can do whateverever you want.
So that's another thing I try to remind myself of,
especially like on those handoff times or when things are
(24:52):
just rough, like last night, I just am like, Okay, well, yeah,
it's like there's a lot, it's intense, but I've also
got a full week without her next week, and there's
all these other things that I can do for me
and for for my business, things I haven't got done.
So yeah, you gotta look on the bright side of things.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
And the hard thing about parenting too is the minute
you figure it out, it changes no matter what that is, right,
Like it can be healthy habits, it could be negative habits.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
I I don't know what it is.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
But like if I like I have this stye, I'm
just like, I guess I'm gonna have it forever.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
You know, Like.
Speaker 4 (25:27):
It's like, Okay, I rolled my ankle, I guess I'm
gonna have a hurt ankle for the rest of my life.
You know, Like if my kid wakes up in the
middle of the night, I'm like, screw it. I guess
this is just it forever. I guess I'm never going
to sleep again. I guess I'm just gonna have to
deal with this, right and then it just then then
you forget that. No, that does change the good and
the bad. Nothing stays forever, and their age changes. They're
(25:48):
growing up, they're adapting, they're evolving. You know, you're you're
gonna get better at what you're doing, just in time
for it to change. I mean, every ever since like
day one the baby is born and you're like, oh, okay,
we kind of figured it out. Then it's like, oh
if now we just got to sleep train. Now, we
got to get him out of diapers. Now, now they're teething,
Now we gotta and you're just like, oh my gosh.
So to some degree, it's like it's not broken just
(26:12):
because it feels broken, Like it's kind of like this
is the this is the natural way that it goes.
But it just sucks sometimes because you're like, well, I
guess that's it. I'm never sleeping again. I get that
way at night. I don't mind getting up early. Here's
when I were just talking about this at night. If
if flock or somebody wakes up at like one in
the morning, I am furious. I am just absolute animal style. Like,
(26:36):
unless it's a real nice request, like I have to
go peepee, it's like fine. But if it's like you
wake up and you're like I can't go back to sleep,
you know, like a scream, I just can't handle it.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
That's so funny you say that, Bradly, because that's literally
been on my mind like all week, Like that time
is just going to be brutal and horrible, terrible for
the rest of my life. Every time my daughter, it's
going to be horrible.
Speaker 4 (27:02):
Yeah, but you ever have a meeting at nine o'clock
with the contractor, again, that's out the window.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
But you're right, it was all everything changes, it's all phases.
So thank you for calling that out.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Yeah, I'm as much to myself as it is to you, sir.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah. I mean with our six year old right now,
you have to get her all the way to sleep
and you just have to. And I've said this to
people before and they're like, do you want some sleep
training techniques? It's like, no, it's fine. She goes to
sleep when once I just have to read to her
for a bit, sing her some songs, tickle her arms
or her legs until she's snoring. And then we're good
(27:39):
and they're like, Okay, well you could just take some
sleep training stuff, and I was like, I know, but
this is going to last forever. Yeah, and if when
I'm ninety and she's sixty set fifty five and she's
like old enough that she remembers that I used to
(27:59):
tickle her arms until she was snoring, then maybeking better
care of me when I'm a geriatric man who's lost
he That's a sweet idea.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
That's a sweet idea.
Speaker 4 (28:12):
I also somebody told me one time, like, you know,
we can have a whole dispressional here about secondary education
when you go to college or not with debt, et cetera.
But the term someone was like, they're not going to
college without being able to go to sleep. They're not
going to go to college without knowing how to drink
out of a straw, Like yeah, you know, it feels
like they're never going to get these things that they need.
And it's like they're not going to be a twenty
(28:33):
year old that can't put themselves to bed. You're not
going to be rubbing her arms at age she's forty
and you're just like over there, like hey, husbands, scoot
out of the way.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
I'm rubbing my daughter's arms all year.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
We're not store neighbors.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Yeah, Roland loves pretending like she's hungry, like right before
she goes to sleep.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
I saw a meme that was like, nobody in the
world cares more about hydration in the body than at toddler.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
I need some water. You can to drink water all day.
I need a snack. We just had dinner like an
hour and you didn't eat it. You didn't eat it exactly,
probably why you're hungry. But that's what we got. And
we even told you then that you were going to
be hungry. Now it never ends like that anything.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
String cheese is in bed right before bed, like almost
every night, just in the dark, just.
Speaker 4 (29:24):
Like, yeah, we've had a therapists some of my early memories.
We're going to sleep in the dark eating string cheese
at my dad's place.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
We only allow them if they are really adamant about
being hungry. Then it's like, Okay, here's the list of fruits,
and here's the list of vegetables. Choice from that, right, Yeah,
and one carrot or to choice. You can have an
apple to carrot, some blueberries, strawberries, a banana or snap piece.
Speaker 4 (29:55):
This is also from the guy who what did you
say you pay your kids to clean the backyard, like
fifty cents or something. We had a conversation about that.
You're just like, I'll pay them to clean up the
backyard twenty five cents or fifty.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Yeah, I don't know if I have a conversation about that,
but we do pay them a quarter to the tours. Yeah.
They like it though, like they want to earn money. Yeah,
because they're like, there's these quarter machines and I was like, oh.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yeah, kids still love those.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
They love them.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
My daughter wants to have her birthday party near a
grocery store so she and her friends can go in
and spend a quarter on these little turney machines. I'm like, yeah, yeah,
that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Else they love is the crane things where they grab
oh over over, Yeah, I get so mad on a
freaking little rubber ducky and you're.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Like, yeah, I can do this, I can do this.
Or the other thing they really love is those surprise toys.
And they're like, I wonder what Sonic character to get now,
And you're like, you got Sonic again, Like that's that's
what happens with a random draws. Sometimes you're gonna get
the same thing. Okay, I guess I'll give it away.
(31:07):
So I just bought that for you to give away. Yeah, fine, whatever.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
But maybe this one, this one, what could be in
that one?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Feel it a little bit or do something, See if
you could figure it out a little bit that you
don't have it because I'm tired of getting the repeats
on these surprise toys. But they love the surprise toys,
so true tell they don't and even then they don't
think that they don't love them. They're just mad that
they got to repeat toy.
Speaker 3 (31:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
It's like there's only ten options, like you have a
ten percent chance of getting I.
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Want to get the ultra Rare one, though, I want
to get the Ultrarare one.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
Why is it ultra Are because it says so on
the on it?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
And then when you what are you gonna do with
it when you get it?
Speaker 4 (31:46):
I'm gonna what do you mean? Well, what are you
gonna do with it? Like you're striving after your this
is everything? What are you gonna do once you get it?
I'm gonna put it on the shelf.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
I guess play with it.
Speaker 4 (31:58):
There's no end game. It's the now game. And that's
partly how it gets too.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
I mean, I mean a lot of time.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
That's lucky though, because they can just get over things
so fast, like yeah, just absolutely heartbroken about something and
then just yeah, completely out of their brain.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
It's so true.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Good for them.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Back to the question, though, I think that really, especially
with co parenting, First of all, you got to try
to fight those urges to be the favorite parent. You
want your kid to love both of you the same,
because relative's gonna suck for them when they're with the
other parent if they're much more to the other parent.
And then as part of that, playing to those strainths,
(32:40):
making sure that you do what you're good at and
involve them in it, and try not to talk trash
about your other co parent. Always try not talk trash
about your other co parent, white the opposite, give praise
to your other co parent when you can, and just
understand that in the long run it's better for you,
(33:02):
better for the kid, and better for the other parent
for them to love you equally.
Speaker 3 (33:09):
Yeah, that's good takeaway right there. I think I would
just echo.
Speaker 4 (33:11):
That, and I would add maybe for those who are
co parenting together, like under the same roof you're married
or your partners or whatever. Just communicate does it feel
like there's something lacking? Does it feel like, you know,
I feel like they love you more. You got to
get that out otherwise you start resenting the other parent
or resisting the kids going to them or whatever.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
So yeah, and I will make them a bigger effort
to hype Rachel up in front of the kids so
that they are more excited to choose her first for
tuck in time and stuff like that.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
And don't forget about just ignoring them and like treating
them poorly too. Those are important components.
Speaker 3 (33:51):
Yeah, that was a good takeaway earlier.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Also build Rachel's relationship with.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Them strong and don't like mom, but dad hates me.
So I guess I'm just going that way.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Rachel and the kids could just sit there and talk
shit about you, and then that'll really be a good
bonding moment for them.
Speaker 3 (34:06):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
That is true. They'd like Rachel for the record, They
just whenever it comes down to like, it's just too
cool funny. Yeah, so all right, I really like that.
I like that episode. Hopefully we were able to answer
that question from one of our listeners about parenthood, sharing
kids with partners, whether your partners are in the same
(34:29):
house or not until next week, like subscribe, share, do
all of those things. Let's get the word out because
we're all going through this crisis together and the more
the merrier.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
And that was really fun answering that question. So we
would love to hear more questions from you guys about
any element of crisises midlife crisis, is getting older, dealing
with separation, dealing with divorce, all these kind of things.
We want to hear from you guys, and you I'll
bring you into the conversation and talk to you about
it and help you commiserate. So please comment here, send
(35:06):
us an email, whatever you gotta do, just holler.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Well next week. CEO Lend us Friends Blends Blends U
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