August 9, 2025 • 40 mins
"Being a doormat isn’t weakness — it’s strategy. But is it ruining your life?"
For years, you’ve been told that letting people walk all over you means you lack strength. But what if your people-pleasing, conflict-avoiding, bend-over-backwards behavior is actually a survival mechanism? In this episode, we expose the surprising psychology behind the "doormat" mindset — how it’s not weakness, but a learned coping strategy designed to control unpredictability and keep you safe in social situations.
We’ll unpack why over-accommodating others might have helped you avoid threats in the past — but now leaves you stuck in resentment, burnout, and powerless relationships.
You’ll learn:
How being a “doormat” is linked to early-life survival tactics
Why controlling others’ reactions is an illusion of safety
The uncomfortable truth about assertiveness and self-respect
Practical steps to stop people-pleasing without losing yourself
This is real talk for recovering people-pleasers — witty, raw, and a little uncomfortable (in the best way). If you’ve ever thought, "I can’t say no because they’ll get upset" — this episode will set you free.
Stop over-explaining. Start living. Reclaim your agency.
💡 Hit follow now for more unfiltered insights on boundaries, confidence, and the psychology of human behavior — because your worth isn’t up for negotiation.
You May also Like:
⭐Sky Near Me
Live map of stars & planets visible near you
💸Debt Planner App
Your Path to Debt-Free Living
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/mindbenders-brain-teasers-philo-psych--6019641/support.
For years, you’ve been told that letting people walk all over you means you lack strength. But what if your people-pleasing, conflict-avoiding, bend-over-backwards behavior is actually a survival mechanism? In this episode, we expose the surprising psychology behind the "doormat" mindset — how it’s not weakness, but a learned coping strategy designed to control unpredictability and keep you safe in social situations.
We’ll unpack why over-accommodating others might have helped you avoid threats in the past — but now leaves you stuck in resentment, burnout, and powerless relationships.
You’ll learn:
How being a “doormat” is linked to early-life survival tactics
Why controlling others’ reactions is an illusion of safety
The uncomfortable truth about assertiveness and self-respect
Practical steps to stop people-pleasing without losing yourself
This is real talk for recovering people-pleasers — witty, raw, and a little uncomfortable (in the best way). If you’ve ever thought, "I can’t say no because they’ll get upset" — this episode will set you free.
Stop over-explaining. Start living. Reclaim your agency.
💡 Hit follow now for more unfiltered insights on boundaries, confidence, and the psychology of human behavior — because your worth isn’t up for negotiation.
You May also Like:
⭐Sky Near Me
Live map of stars & planets visible near you
💸Debt Planner App
Your Path to Debt-Free Living
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/mindbenders-brain-teasers-philo-psych--6019641/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever found yourself caught in that multi familiar moment.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Oh, yeah, I think everyone knows this one.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're nodding along, You've got this polite smile plastered on
your face, maybe even uttering a quiet yes, you.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Know, m going through the motions.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Will every single fiber of your being is just absolutely screaming.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
No, Definitely, It's like an internal battle.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Maybe it's agreeing to plans you genuinely dread, or volunteering
for something you just don't have the bandwidth for.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Or constantly almost like instinctively putting someone else's needs miles ahead.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Of your own exactly, even when that decision leaves you
feeling utterly drained, maybe simmering with this quiet resentment, and maybe.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Feeling well completely invisible, like your needs just don't register.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
It's a sensation. So many of us know intimately, that nagging,
persistent feeling of being well walked.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Over right, the doormat feeling.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
But here's the real mystery, the question that I think
truly keeps us up at night. Why does this pattern,
this cycle of self sacrifice, keep repeating even when we
know the outcome?
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Yeah? Why stick with something that feels so bad?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
And what is truly profoundly at its very core. Because
and here's where we get to the surprising part. Okay,
it's almost certainly not what most people think, not.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
At all interesting, So the common wisdom is wrong.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
That's what we're diving into today Today on the deep dive.
We're not just scratching the surface of this common human dilemma.
Oh No, we're going to unravel precisely what happens when
you find yourself letting people walk all over.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
You, going beyond just the actions themselves.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Exactly, far beyond the acquiescence, the silence, the overgiving. Instead,
we're diving deep into the hidden psychological drivers, those subconscious
currents that keep you stuck in this challenging, often painful loop.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
So getting to the root causes.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
That's the mission. To courageously challenge those common yet often
inaccurate assumptions about this behavior will reveal a surprising truth,
one that might just shift your entire perspective.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Okay, I'm intrigued.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
And most importantly, we'll illuminate the concrete, actionable steps you
can take to genuinely break free, cultivating not just boundaries,
but a profound sense of self respect and a real
unshakable sense of agency in your life.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Agency that's the key word, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
It really is. Get ready for some serious aha moments,
because this deep dive is about to change how you
see yourself and your interactions forever. All right, let's untack
this right from the jump. When most of us finally
recognize it, you know, often after countless moments of internal
sighing and quiet frustration.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
That slow dawning realization that.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
We're consistently letting others walk all over us, what's the
very first explanation that tends to spring to mind?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Oh, it's almost always the same thing.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Isn't it almost universally? Yeah, it setters on some perceived
personal failing. It's that internal narrative that whispers or sometimes.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Shouts, if only I were stronger.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Exactly, or more confident, more assertive, then I simply wouldn't
allow this to happen. It's a deeply ingrained belief, isn't
it that it's a character flaw?
Speaker 2 (03:03):
It really is. We internalize it as something inherently wrong
with us.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
And if we're honest on the surface, this explanation makes
a lot of sense. It feels incredibly logical, almost irrefutable,
doesn't it.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Well, Yeah, because you see the evidence. You see yourself
agreeing to things you dislike, right.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Or maybe you hesitate to say no even when your
calendar is bursting at the seams. Or you find yourself
instinctively putting other people's needs way, way ahead of your own,
even when your own tank is completely unempty m hm.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
The actions seem to point directly to a lack of backbone,
so to speak.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
So when these visible facts accumulate, it's quite natural to
conclude that a lack of strength, a deficit in confidence,
or perhaps a fundamental lack of courage is squarely to blame.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
You look at someone else who seems assertive and think
they've got something I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Yeah, well they're strong and I'm not. That must be it.
It fits the observable evidence, and so for many it
becomes the accepted truth without a second thought.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
It's almost too simple, though, isn't it kind of a
neat tidy answer?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Exactly, almost too convenient.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
What's truly fascinating here, though, is that if you actually
examine this idea more closely, if you really hold it
up to the light and push past that surface level logic,
you quickly begin to see that it doesn't explain the
whole picture, not even close really. How So, when we
zoom out and connect this to the broader context of
human behavior, you'll frequently find that many individuals who describe
(04:31):
themselves as feeling incredibly powerless or like a doormat in
their social or family.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Settings right in this specific situation, and.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Surprisingly be incredibly decisive, disciplined, even quite forceful and effective
in other entirely different areas of their lives.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Huh okay, Like, what give me an example?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Well, think about it. You might know someone who is
an absolute powerhouse at work, total leader.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, managing complex projects, making tough calls under.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Pressure exactly with an almost uncanny confidence. They lead teams,
negotiate difficult deals with the steely, resolved, zero dermat.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Vibes there right, totally assertive in that domain.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Or perhaps they're incredibly confident and capable in their solo
activities or hobbies. Maybe an amateur athlete pushing through immense
physical challenges like running a marathon, or a meticulous researcher
digging fearlessly into complex data, or an artist pouring their
soul onto a canvas, completely unapologetic in their expression.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Okay, I see that strong capable focused in those areas.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yes, these very same people who demonstrate immense strength, capability
and assertiveness in these other contexts, huh, still find themselves
repeatedly giving in to others demands, feeling steamrolled in their
personal friendships, intimate relationships, or within their family dynamics. They're
still struggling with that same doormat pattern, despite clear evidence
(05:56):
of their underlying strength elsewhere.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Wow, so the weakness lay just doesn't fit across.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
The board exactly. This stark contrast, this almost jeckle and
hide like behavior across different life domains powerfully suggests that
weakness cannot possibly be the soul or even primary explanation,
because if it.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Were just weakness, it would show up everywhere, wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
It, Precisely it would be consistent. Instead, there must be
something deeper operating beneath the surface, something more nuanced than
a simple lack of fortitude or courage.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
That's actually really liberating to think about it.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
It is because it shifts our perspective entirely. It moves
away from labeling this as a character flaw, which can
be incredibly debilitating and shame inducing.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, feeling like you're fundamentally broken.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Right, and instead it guides us towards understanding it as
a more complex perhaps even dare I say, strategic behavior?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Strategic? How can being a doormat be strategic?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Well, it's not about you being inherently weak, it's about
something else, driving a very specific kind of interaction in
very specific situation, a strategy to cope. Maybe.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Okay, that's a massive reframe. It suggests we've been looking
at this all wrong. So if it's not simply weakness,
if it's not just a fundamental character defect, yeah, then
what is truly going on?
Speaker 2 (07:12):
That's the million dollar question.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
This is the crucial question, isn't it. Why do people knowingly,
sometimes even consciously, but maybe often unconsciously engage in patterns
that consistently bring them so much frustration, so much quiet resentment.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
And often, yeah, a profound sense of self loathing. It
seems totally counterintuitive, almost self sabotaging, and yet, as.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
We all know, it's incredibly painfully common. There's got to
be a reason, right, a hidden logic behind the seeming madness.
Here's where it gets really interesting and a little bit paradoxical.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
I think Okay, lay it on me.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
If someone knows, deep down in their gut that they
will regret saying yes to that unreasonable request.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
But that they'll kick themselves later for keeping silent when
they desperately wanted to speak up.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Exactly why do they do it again and again? It's
not just an isolated incident. It's this persistent, recurring pattern
that defines significant parts of their lives.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Right, it's the repetition that's baffling. Why repeat something that
brings pain or frustration? What's the hidden payoff?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Yeah, what is the payoff?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
That's precisely the paradox we need to unravel the answer,
and this might surprise you, is that this pattern is
not accidental at all.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Not accidental, Nope.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
It is in fact a strategy, a strategy, seriously, yes,
and more often than not. It's a strategy that was
learned very early in life, perhaps in childhood, and then
reinforced over time through repeated experiences learned.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Okay, so it served a purpose once.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
It's fundamentally designed in a profound way to keep certain
perceived social or emotional risks at bay. It's a protective mechanism,
not an error in judgment. It's an adaptive, albeit ultimately costly,
way of interacting.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
A protective mechanisms we.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Have that changes thing. It's a crucial shift in perspective.
Instead of viewing yourself as simply weak or spineless when
you find yourself in the situation which feels awful, right,
it's far more accurate and frankly, far more empowering to
see this behavior as a calculated method, a coping mechanism,
if you will, for navigating social situations that feel inherently uncertain, unpredictable,
(09:16):
or even genuinely threatening to your sense of safety or belonging.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
So it's not about low self worth directly, but a
response to feeling unsafe or uncertain exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
This reframes the doormat pattern not as an automatic result
of low self worth, which can feel incredibly debilitating and fixed,
but as a deliberate, though often subconscious response to uncertainty
and discomfort, a.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Way of trying to manage the external environment the people in.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
It precisely, even if that management comes at a significant
long term personal cost. You're trying to control the uncontrollable
in a way that.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Makes so much sense. So when you start to analyze
the specific situations where you most often give in, where
you default to people.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Pleasing m hm, when does it happen most?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
You might begin to notice some very consistent common features.
Perhaps the people involved are incredibly important to you, a
close family member, a best friend whose opinion you deeply value.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
A significant other, or even a key colleague at work
whose approval feels critical.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Right, or maybe the stakes just feel incredibly high. Things
were to go badly, you might anticipate a major emotionally
charged conflict, a painful fallout, or.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Severe disapproval that you feel you simply couldn't tolerate. The
potential negative outcome feels catastrophic.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And in those precise moments, you'll probably notice that your
impulse to keep the piece, to smooth things over, to
avoid any friction, is overwhelmingly strong.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Absolutely, that internal alarm bill for potential conflict or rejection
rings louder than anything else, doesn't. It just drowns out
your own needs completely precisely. The underlying driver for this
behavior is often rooted in a deep seated, primal fear.
It could be the fear of conflict itself, the explosive arguments,
the uncomfortable sil the tension. Yeah, nobody likes that, or
(11:02):
the fear of rejection from those you care about, the
terrifying thought of being excluded or abandon that hits a
core nerve definitely.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Or maybe the fear of being profoundly misunderstood, of having
your intentions twisted or your true self dismissed.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Right. So, in essence, the doormat behavior is a highly practiced,
albeit indirect way of managing these potential threats. It's risk management, basically.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
But it persists because, yeah, it works in the.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Short term, in a very immediate and short term sense. Yes,
it does work to achieve its primary, albeit limited goal
avoiding direct conflict or negative reactions right now.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Nah. Okay, so you successfully sidestep the immediate discomfort you anticipate,
and that.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Short term relief reinforces the strategy. It's like a quick
psychological fix that offers temporary peace, even if it creates
bigger problems later.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Okay, So that explains why just being stronger doesn't work exactly.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
This is why simply trying to solve the problem by
telling yourself be stronger or forcing yourself to be more
assertive rarely creates lasting fundamental change.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
You might manage it once or.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Twice, maybe perhaps you say no in a moment of sheer,
desperate determination. But unless you address that underlying drive, that deep,
ingrained need to avoid discomfort and unpredictability.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
The old pattern comes back.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Inevitably, the underlying strategy will reassert itself. You'll revert to
what feels safe because the root cause, the internal negotiation
for predictability, hasn't been addressed.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
So lasting change means going deeper.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Absolutely, lasting change truly begins when you recognize that you
are not failing because you are weak. You are simply
relying on a strategy that at one point in your
life might have served you.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Maybe it was even necessary.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Back then, could have been necessary for your emotional survival
even but maybe it no longer fits your current needs,
your values, or your adult life circumstances.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
It's like running outdated software.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Perfect analogy. It's about updating your operating system, not just
trying to force a new app to run on old software.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
That's incredibly insightful. Okay, so this strategy is clearly all
about avoiding discomfort, about managing risk. But if that's the case,
if it's so deeply ingrained, what deeper, more fundamental human
need is driving this elaborate, often self defeating avoidance mechanism.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Right, There's got to be something even more basic underneath that.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
There's an even deeper layer here. Isn't there a primary
motivator beneath the surface that makes this strategy feel so
compelling even when it's hurting us? So what does this
all truly mean when we put the pieces together? Understanding
that doormat behavior isn't about inherent weakness, but rather this dynamic,
maybe costly way of managing your discomfort.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Right, Seeing it as a process, not a fixed.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
State, allows you to finally see the deeper, true motivation
behind much of this self sacrificing behavior. And that motivation
which might initially surprise you.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Okay, what is it?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Is the profound human desire to control your environment, especially
other people's reactions. Ah control That makes sense in order
to keep things as predictable as possible. It's about wanting
to know what's coming next, to insure stability, to minimize chaos.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Even if achieving that predictability means sacrificing your own authentic self.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Exactly, you trade authenticity for predictability.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Wow, that's a heavy trade.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
It really is what often feels like a spontaneous act
of genuine generosity or pure kindness. M you know, instinctively
putting someone else's needs way ahead of your.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Own, like it's just who you are, the nice person.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Right, But it usually has a subtle, often subconscious calculation
taking place beneath the.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Surface, a calculation like weighing options.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Sort of. It's not necessarily manipulative or malicious. It's more
of an internal negotiation, a silent bargain we strike with
ourselves in the world.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Okay, explain that internal negotiation.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
You might find your brain running this silent high stakes algorithm,
thoroughly reasoning if I do what they want, then they
will not be angry and I avoid that awful conflict.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Or if I simply keep the peace by agreeing, the
relationship will remain stable and predictable and I won't have
to deal with uncertainty or rejection exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
This approach is quiet compliance gives you a distinct, albeit
sometimes alusory sense of control over outcomes.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Illusory control, right, because you can't really control how others react,
not really, but you.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Feel like you're steering the ship, even if it's sailing
in a direction you don't actually want.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
To go, and it comes at the expense of your
own preferences, your own boundaries, and ultimately, your authentic self.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
It's a very expensive form of emotional insurance, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
It really is. You can see this hidden calculation playing
out in so many real world scenarios once you know
what to look for.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Like what give us some examples?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Okay, Consider someone who consistently agrees to family obligations they
deeply dislike, say, attending a distant cousin's wedding. They have
absolutely zero.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Interest in, oh yeah, we've all been there.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Or hosting a holiday gathering they feel utterly overwhelmed by,
simply to avoid disappointing their relatives or causing tension at home.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Right the path of least resistance.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Seemingly, the perceived predictability of familial peace is prioritized over
personal comfort, personal energy, personal desire. They're trading their weekend,
their energy, maybe even their joy, for the comfort of
knowing there won't be a fuss, there won't be conflict.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
They're buying peace, but at their own expense exactly.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Or imagine an individual who routinely stays late at work,
picking up the slack for a colleague, not out of
a genuine desire to assist or true team work, but
because they harbor a deep fear of being seen as
uncooperative or maybe not being a team player, which they
believe could threaten their job security or reputation.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
So it's fear based helping, not genuine generosity.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Often yes, in both of these cases and countless others,
the person is essentially trading their own comfort, their own time,
their energy, their authentic desires for the predictability that from
pleasing others and avoiding potential negative reactions. They're making a
preemptive strike against perceived chaos.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Trying to control the future by sacrificing the present.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
That's a great way to put it. And what's absolutely
crucial to recognize here is that this desire for control,
this subconscious calculation, does not reflect malice or manipulation on
the part of the individual. It's not about being.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Sneaky, right. It's coming from a place of need, not
bad intent. So where does it come from, this powerful
drive for predictability.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
That's the key question. It grows out of a very understandable,
profoundly human need to keep social interactions stable, to maintain
emotional equilibrium basically to feel safe exactly, and to instinctively
avoid the high emotional costs that can come with conflict, anger,
or disapproval. Think about it. Conflict can feel terrifying, a
(17:50):
direct threat to safety. Disapproval from important figures can feel
like a threat to belonging, which is a core human need.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
So it's a very natural instinct to try and mitigate
those intensely uncomfortable feelings.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Absolutely, and many people learn this strategy very early in life,
often in childhood environments.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Ah back to the childhood roots.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Often Yeah, perhaps they grew up in settings where standing
up for themselves, expressing a differing opinion, or asserting a
personal boundary led to some form of punishment.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Like getting yelled at, or maybe the silent.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Treatment exactly, whether it was direct disciplinary action, emotional outbursts,
or that more subtle but equally painful withdrawal of affection
or approval.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
That withdrawal could be devastating for a kid totally.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
The emotional memory of those early experiences can be incredibly powerful,
even carrying into adulthood, creating deep neural pathways.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
That automatically drive people to avoid anything that even threatens
that hard won piece or.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Acceptance precisely, even if the current situation is completely different
and objectively safer, it's an old program still running in
the background, reacting to ghosts of the past.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Wow, it's remarkable how that early learning can stick with
us so strongly.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
It really is. And over time, this self sacrificing approach,
the strategy of managing others' reactions to maintain a sense
of predictability, just becomes second nature.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
It's automatic, like breathing, pretty much.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
It's no longer a conscious, deliberate decision you make. It's
an automatic response, a reflex. The impulse to keep others happy,
to keep the peace at any cost, is triggered almost
instantly without you even realizing you're doing.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
It, And that discomfort you feel, even when you just
think about asserting yourself or saying something different.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Can feel so disproportionate to the actual situation. Right, your
internal alarm system is just blaring yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Your internal monologue kicks in with thoughts like, oh, it's
just easier to go along with it, or I really
don't want to make.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
A big deal out of it, And those seemingly benign
internal statements are actually powerful reinforcements of that deep seated
desire for control, keeping you trapped in the cycle of
predictable yet profoundly unfulfilling clients.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
It's an invisible cage of our own making, so quiet
you don't even hear the bars rattle.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
That's a perfect description.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
So while this strategy might offer immediate, albeit fleeting relief
and that transient sense of control, what are the profound,
often hidden, and sometimes incredibly painful, long term consequences of
living this way?
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Right? Because there's always a price, isn't.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
There always for a life lived out of fear rather
than authenticity. There has to be a cost. That's the
million dollar question, isn't it the long term cost? Well,
this strategy of self sacrifice often and quite effectively prevents
immediate conflict and buys you that coveted short.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Term piece, which feels good right now, right, But.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
It creates other, far more insidious and damaging problems in
the long.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Run, like hidden interest accumulating.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Exactly, it's like paying off a small, nagging debt with
a high interest credit card. The balance just keeps growing
and growing, silently, accumulating costs that you might not even
be aware of until it's an overwhelming unmanageable burden, feel.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
The squeeze, but you might not connect it back to
those earlier moments of compliance.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Precisely so. On the internal front, what.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Happens well, you inevitably begin to notice a growing sense
of quiet resentment. It just simmers there.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, that low grade, persistent anger at being consistently overlooked,
or maybe even a deep frustration at yourself for allowing
it to happen again and again.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
And accompanying this is often a profound sense of exhaustion emotional, mental,
sometimes even physical.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
The fatigue of constantly being on right, yeah, constantly monitoring
and managing the emotional landscape around you.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
It's incredibly draining, and each act of self sacrifice, each
time you override your own needs and preferences.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
It sends a message to yourself, a.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Deeply damaging one. It inadvertently reinforces the idea that your
own needs simply matter less than those of others. Then
your voice is less important.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Ouch that hurts just hearing it.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
It does, and over time, this constant, subtle reinforcement can
lead to a chronic sense of powerless business, a feeling
that your life is not truly your own, like you're
just reacting, not choosing exactly that it is dictated moment
by moment by other people's expectations, demands, and moods. It's
a slow erosion of your sovereignty, your inner compass, your
(22:15):
sense of self.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
And here's the great bitter irony in all of this,
isn't it?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yeah? What's the twist?
Speaker 1 (22:21):
The original strategy, the one designed specifically to give you
a sense of control over your environment and over others' reactions.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
The whole reason you started doing.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
It, ultimately ends up stripping away your fundamental freedom to choose.
You become a prisoner of your own mechanism for maintaining peace.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Wow, that's a tragic, self defeating trade off. You gain
an illusion of control, but lose authentic agency exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
And it doesn't just affect you internally, right, They are external.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Costs too, absolutely simultaneously, and this is crucial. Those around you,
your friends, family, colleagues, may unwittingly start to take your
consistent compliance for granted.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
It just becomes the norm, the expectation.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Right, It's not necessarly malicious on their part. They just
learn the unspoken rules you've set through your actions, your boundaries.
If they ever existed clearly become increasingly blurry.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
And eventually they may seem non existent.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
M Your consistent self sacrifice in a perverse way unintentionally
teaches others that your limits are flexible, making it harder
and harder for them to genuinely respect them, even if
they had the best intentions to begin with.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Why would they push back or check in if you
always just say yes or go along exactly?
Speaker 2 (23:30):
This creates a deeply self reinforcing cycle that's incredibly difficult
to break out of on your own because everyone in
the system has adapted to the status quo you've created.
You've trained them how to treat you.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Essentially, that's a tough pill to swallow. So because of
these severe long term costs, the constant resentment, the exhaustion,
the loss of self, the eroding of authentic.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Relationships which chip away relentlessly at your sense of self,
your energy, and your true connections, it.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Becomes incredibly clear the continuing to prioritize that illusion of
control over your own authenticity will always keep you stuck
firmly in the doormat pattern.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
It's a dead end, a pathway that leads to burnout
to a profound sense of unfulfillment and.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Ultimately to a life not truly lived on your terms.
It's the psychological equivalent of constantly bailing water out of
a leaky boat instead of patching the hole, isn't.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
It perfectly put? You're managing the symptom, not the cause.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
So if we want to move beyond this, if we
want to truly break free from this powerful self limiting.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Cycle, which is the goal, right.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Absolutely, we need to address not just the visible behaviors themselves,
like saying yes to everything, the surface stuff, but that
deeply ingrained, almost automatic drive to avoid discomfort by constantly
managing other people's reactions the root cause.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Okay, so how do we do that?
Speaker 1 (24:51):
The only way out of this intricate trap, this invigable
cage we've built, is to do this seemingly unthinkable, which
is we had to let go of that control.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Let go of control. That sounds terrified, It.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Really does, like jumping off a cliff without knowing if
there's a neat But it's where the genuine past to
freedom actually lies. This is the big pivot. This is
the radical shift that can feel almost revolutionary, almost completely
counterintuitive to everything you've learned or practiced.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
In your life the moment where things really change.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
But trust me, this is where the magic truly begins
to happen, where real transformation takes rout. Since that relentless,
deep seated urge to keep others happy, to please everyone,
to be the peacekeeper, that drive we just talked about
is fundamentally about controlling outcomes, about controlling their reactions, their moods,
their perceptions of your own. The only real, lasting way
(25:44):
to escape the doormat cycle is to consciously and courageously
let go of that control.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
So stop trying to manage everyone else's feelings exactly.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
It's about consciously stepping back from the impossible, exhausting task
of managing other people's emotional states.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
Okay, but absolutely vital. To clarify, though, is what letting
go doesn't mean. Because people might hear that.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
And think, oh, so I should just become a jerk, right.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
This isn't about suddenly becoming insensitive to the needs of others.
This isn't about transforming into a selfish, uncaring individual who
bulldozes over everyone else.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Wow, not at all.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
It also does not mean abandoning kindness, empathy, or compassion.
You can still care deeply about people, be sensitive to
their feelings and wish them.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Well, so you can be kind and have boundaries.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Absolutely. What it does mean, crucially is accepting the profound
truth that you simply cannot guarantee positive reactions from everyone
every time.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
You just can't, and maybe even more importantly.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Accepting that it is absolutely not your job to manage
how others feel or how they respond to your authentic choices.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Their feelings are their responsibilities.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Precisely, their feelings are theirs to own and process, just
as your feelings are yours. It's about recognizing the limits
of your responsibility. Your job is you?
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Okay? That makes sense? How do we start letting go?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
This brings us to the critical first step in this journey,
the willingness to experience discomfort.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Ah discomfort the thing we've been avoiding all along.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Exactly, you have to be willing to feel it. When
you express a preference that goes against the group, when
you voice an opinion that might be unpopular, when you
set a boundary that someone else might not like, there
was risk. There's an inherent risk that someone will disagree
or even be disappointed. When you say no to a
request that you simply cannot fulfill. You might encounter anger,
(27:33):
or perhaps the cold, uncomfortable silence of withdrawal, and that.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Can feel awful, especially at first.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
At first, these experiences can feel incredibly threatening, triggering that
old alarm system, especially if your entire history has been
about meticulously avoiding them. Your brain might scream danger, retreat,
go back to the old, predictable ways.
Speaker 1 (27:53):
But this is the moment of choice.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
This is precisely where the growth begins. This is the
moment of choice. Do you retreat or or do you
tolerate the discomfort?
Speaker 1 (28:01):
And what happens if you tolerate it.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
What's fascinating here, and what makes this so powerfully self validating,
is that as you consistently tolerate this discomfort, as you
lane into it, stay present with it, and actively see
that you can not only survive it, but also emerge intact,
which you almost always do, right, your confidence begins to
grow exponentially. It's like building a psychological muscle.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Okay, I like that analogy, building a tolerance muscle.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Exactly each time you face a moment of anticipated discomfort
and choose authenticity anyway, you prove to yourself that you
are resilient, capable, and can handle emotional turbulence.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
You get evidence that you're okay mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
But this process, it's vital to understand, is gradual. It
won't happen overnight, and there will be missteps for sure.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Yeah, you won't get it perfect every time.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
Absolutely not. It requires consistent practice, just like building any
new physical skill. It's a series of small experiments, proving
to yourself again, again and again that the sky doesn't
fall when you prioritize yourself.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
So, if this is a muscle we need to build,
where do you start? How do you practice?
Speaker 2 (29:08):
You start small? Definitely start small, low stakes. Begin with
low steak situations, tiny moments where the potential fallout feels manageable,
where the steaks aren't astronomically high.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Okay, give me an example.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Maybe it's turning down a minor favor that would genuinely
inconvenience you, simply saying I appreciate you asking, but I
can't right now, clean and.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Simple, no long explanation needed.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Not necessarily. Or perhaps it's simply sharing a personal opinion
in a safe setting among crusted friends, even if it
differs from the consensus, instead of saying whatever you guys
want to do. Try you know what I'd actually prefer
x tonight.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Just stating a preference. It sounds so simple that it
can feel huge.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
It can think about daily life when someone asks what
you want to eat, State your honest choice, rather than
defaulting to the polite self aff facing oh whatever everyone
else wants.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Try saying, you know what I'm really craving Italian tonight exactly, even.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
If it's just that. Or if a friend makes a
request that genuinely doesn't work for you, like can you
help me move this Saturday? You already have plans or
you're just exhausted.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
Instead of saying yes and resenting it.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Explain your reasons clearly and calmly. You could say, I
appreciate you asking, but I won't be able to help
this Saturday. I've already committed to something else.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
Can you offer an alternative?
Speaker 2 (30:25):
You can if you genuinely wish to, but I could
help you on Sunday morning if that works. But crucially,
you don't feel obligated to fix their problem. The key
is communicating your truth without apology, without over explaining, and
without seeking their immediate validation.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Or approval, and in professional settings.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Same principle. It's about clarifying your limits. If a deadline
is unrealistic, communicate that clearly and without unnecessary apologies. I
estimate I can complete X by then, but why will
require more time? What's the priority here?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Clear? Direct communication.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Each of these seemingly small acts reinforces the powerful message
to yourself that your needs and preferences are valid. You're
teaching yourself, brick by brick, that you can trust yourself
to handle whatever reactions come your.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Way, building that self trust. Okay, what else?
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Another incredibly useful and powerful practice, especially when you're prone
to automatic compliance, is to simply pause before responding to
requests or demands.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Just just pause.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
It sounds incredibly simple, almost too basic, but its power
is immense. When asked something, resist that immediate.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Yes impulse by yourself some time.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Exactly, give yourself a moment. It could be just a
few seconds of internal reflection, or you might even say aloud,
let me think about that and get back to you
in a bit.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
That takes the pressure off immediately.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
It creates a crucial space. It gives you invaluable time
to check in with your own feelings, your own needs,
your own energy levels, and your own authentic desire, rather
than reacting out of an old, ingrained habit of automatic
compliance or fear.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
So you respond intentionally, not reactively.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Precisely, this power of the pause allows you to respond
from a place of intention, from genuine choice, rather than
from a place of reflexive compliance or deep seated fear.
You're making a conscious decision, not a knee jerk reaction
driven by an old program.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
And over time, this habit builds integrity.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Absolutely. Over time, cultivating this habit dramatically strengthens your ability
to act with integrity. You're aligning your actions with your
internal values and desires rather than just reacting out of
a deeply ingrained fear of potential negative outcomes.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
It's a fundamental shift, it really is.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
It's the difference between being a leaf blowing in the
wind and being a tree rooted firmly in the earth.
You decide where you stand.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
I love that. So these aren't grand, dramatic gestures, necessarily.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Not usually, No, there are repeated, small, consistent acts of
self trust, tiny rebellions against old patterns.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Each choice, each boundary set, no matter how minor it seems.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Sends a profound, powerful message to yourself, I am valid,
my needs matter. I can handle this.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
It's like building a sturdy wall of self respect brick
by brick. Every brick you lay is an affirmation of
your own worth, building momentum and solidity in your sense
of self.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Well said, that's exactly it.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
So as you consistently apply these actions, as you start
to embody this new way of being, you'll inevitably begin
to see changes in your relationships. That seems like the
next big hurdle. How do you navigate this evolution, this
shift in dynamics?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Right, what happens with other people?
Speaker 1 (33:30):
And what does that ultimate lasting freedom truly feel like
once you've committed to this path? So what does this
all mean for the people around you? The ones who
are completely used to you operating in the old way,
you know, the compliant one, the agreeable one, the one
who always says yes yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
How do they react when the script changes?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
As you begin to build these new habits to assert yourself,
to voice your needs, and to prioritize your own well being,
you may very well notice some significant shifts in your relationships.
It seems unavoidable, it really is.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
It's quite common for some people to be surprised, perhaps even.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
A bit confused, or maybe even upset.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yes, occasionally even upset when you stop accommodating them automatically.
They're used to a certain dynamic, a certain predictability from you,
and you're changing the unspoken rules of engagement.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
So expect some friction potentially.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Potentially, Yes, This temporary discomfort, both for you and for them,
is a natural, almost inevitable part of the process. It's
like a familiar song changing its tempo. It might feel
jarring at first for everyone.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
Involved, but it's temporary, you think.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
When we zoom out and connect this to the bigger picture,
it's crucial to remember that this discomfort, while real and
sometimes intense, is often temporary.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Okay, that's reassuring.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Those who truly value you, who genuinely care about you
as an individual, Your true friends, loving family members, support
of colleagues. They will adapt, they'll adjust. They might initially
express surprise or little frustration, sure, but ultimately they will
learn your new boundaries, and they will adjust to this
(35:07):
more authentic, more integrated version of you. They'll respect the
real you. And what about new relationships and crucially, any
new relationships that develop in your life from this point forward,
will be based on this foundation of mutual respect from
the very beginning, rather than on a one sided pattern
of self sacrifice.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
So you attract healthier connections.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Exactly, you'll find yourself attracting and fostering connections that are
inherently healthier, more balanced, and deeply fulfilling. The relationships that
thrive are the ones built on genuine honesty, not on
your constant performance of agreeableness.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
That sounds much better, Yeah, But the process itself.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
The entire process, while not always easy or smooth, Let's
be honest, there will be bumps in the road, moments
of doubt, perhaps even some emotional scrips and bruises.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
It's not a straight lineup.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Definitely not. But it is deeply, profoundly rewarding. It's far
more than just a behavioral change. It's a profound journey
of self.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Discovery, unearthing your true self.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Yeah, unearthing the self that might have been buried under
layers of compliance for years, maybe decades, And it's about
forging genuinely authentic connections with others.
Speaker 1 (36:16):
Moving from fear to truth and how you relate.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Exactly, It's about moving from a place of fear driven
interaction to a place of truth driven connection. It's about
finally breathing freely in your own life, maybe for the
first time.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
So what's the ultimate outcome? What does that freedom feel like?
Speaker 2 (36:32):
Well, eventually, as you keep practicing, you will find that
your sense of agency, that powerful feeling of being the
author of your own life and your self respect grows
stronger and more robust than you ever thought possible.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
You start to trust yourself more deeply.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
You will no longer depend on others to define your worth,
because your worth will be self determined, rooted firmly in
your own integrity, in living your values.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
That sounds incredibly solid. It is.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
You'll gain the confidence and resilians to navigate the complexities,
the inevitable ups and downs, the natural disagreements of life,
with a far greater sense of inner peace and.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Steadiness, less rattled by things.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Much less. Instead of feeling trapped, feeling like your choices
are constantly dictated by other people's expectations.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
And moods, which is exhausting.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Totally exhausting, you will experience the profound, exhilarating freedom to
make choices that are truly, deeply authentic to yourself. It's
like stepping out from under a heavy blanket you didn't
even realize you were carrying all that time.
Speaker 1 (37:32):
Wow. Okay, let's try and summarize this journey. Now, bring
it all together in summary. Stopping the pattern of being
a doormat is less about acquiring new skills, though practical
steps are absolutely involved.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Like we discussed the pausing starting small right.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
But it's far far more about unlearning that deeply ingrained,
often subconscious need to control others' responses and manage their emotional.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Reactions, letting go of that impossible task.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Exactly when I finally choose to let go of that impossible,
exhausting drive and commit to acting with honesty and integrity
even when it feels.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Uncomfortable, especially when it feels uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
You create the essential space, the very bedrock for healthier,
more authentic, and far more fulfilling relationships, to flourish.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Relationship spased on reality, not illusion.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Agency and self respect aren't given to you. They are
built painstakingly, brick by brick, through repeated acts of self trust,
of showing up for yourself. It's an active construction project,
it really is, and the result a life that feels
both more genuine more aligned with your truest self, and
ultimately profoundly more free.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
That's the goal, isn't it genuine freedom?
Speaker 1 (38:42):
It absolutely is. We've peeled back a lot of layers today,
haven't we? Moving far beyond that common misconception of weakness
that just keeps people stuck to understanding the strategic control
driven roots of self sacrificing behavior. We've explored how letting
go of that perceived control and career ageously embracing discomfort
are the absolute keys to building genuine agency and self.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
Respect and fundamentally transforming both your inner world and your
most important relationships. It's a huge shift.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Huge So as you go about your week, maybe a
final thought.
Speaker 2 (39:14):
For everyone listening, Yeah, something to chew on.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
Consider this in your everyday interactions. How much of your
kindness or your agreeableness is truly genuinely born of pure desire,
of authentic generosity, of an open heart, Versus how much,
if you're truly honest with yourself, is a subconscious effort
to predict and manage others' reactions, to avoid perceived conflict,
(39:37):
to keep the peace at any and all costs.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
It's a powerful question to ask.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Yourself it really is, And then ask, what small, single
step could you take this week, Perhaps the one you've
been putting off to prioritize your own authentic voice.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
Just one small step.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
Allowing others the dignity and the freedom to react as
they may, and allowing yourself the profound liberation of true choice.
The journey to freedom begins with that one small, brave step.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
M
Have you ever found yourself caught in that multi familiar moment.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Oh, yeah, I think everyone knows this one.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
You're nodding along, You've got this polite smile plastered on
your face, maybe even uttering a quiet yes, you.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Know, m going through the motions.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Will every single fiber of your being is just absolutely screaming.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
No, Definitely, It's like an internal battle.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Maybe it's agreeing to plans you genuinely dread, or volunteering
for something you just don't have the bandwidth for.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Or constantly almost like instinctively putting someone else's needs miles ahead.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Of your own exactly, even when that decision leaves you
feeling utterly drained, maybe simmering with this quiet resentment, and maybe.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Feeling well completely invisible, like your needs just don't register.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
It's a sensation. So many of us know intimately, that nagging,
persistent feeling of being well walked.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Over right, the doormat feeling.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
But here's the real mystery, the question that I think
truly keeps us up at night. Why does this pattern,
this cycle of self sacrifice, keep repeating even when we
know the outcome?
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Yeah? Why stick with something that feels so bad?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
And what is truly profoundly at its very core. Because
and here's where we get to the surprising part. Okay,
it's almost certainly not what most people think, not.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
At all interesting, So the common wisdom is wrong.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
That's what we're diving into today Today on the deep dive.
We're not just scratching the surface of this common human dilemma.
Oh No, we're going to unravel precisely what happens when
you find yourself letting people walk all over.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
You, going beyond just the actions themselves.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Exactly, far beyond the acquiescence, the silence, the overgiving. Instead,
we're diving deep into the hidden psychological drivers, those subconscious
currents that keep you stuck in this challenging, often painful loop.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
So getting to the root causes.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
That's the mission. To courageously challenge those common yet often
inaccurate assumptions about this behavior will reveal a surprising truth,
one that might just shift your entire perspective.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Okay, I'm intrigued.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
And most importantly, we'll illuminate the concrete, actionable steps you
can take to genuinely break free, cultivating not just boundaries,
but a profound sense of self respect and a real
unshakable sense of agency in your life.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Agency that's the key word, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
It really is. Get ready for some serious aha moments,
because this deep dive is about to change how you
see yourself and your interactions forever. All right, let's untack
this right from the jump. When most of us finally
recognize it, you know, often after countless moments of internal
sighing and quiet frustration.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
That slow dawning realization that.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
We're consistently letting others walk all over us, what's the
very first explanation that tends to spring to mind?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Oh, it's almost always the same thing.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Isn't it almost universally? Yeah, it setters on some perceived
personal failing. It's that internal narrative that whispers or sometimes.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Shouts, if only I were stronger.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Exactly, or more confident, more assertive, then I simply wouldn't
allow this to happen. It's a deeply ingrained belief, isn't
it that it's a character flaw?
Speaker 2 (03:03):
It really is. We internalize it as something inherently wrong
with us.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
And if we're honest on the surface, this explanation makes
a lot of sense. It feels incredibly logical, almost irrefutable,
doesn't it.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Well, Yeah, because you see the evidence. You see yourself
agreeing to things you dislike, right.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Or maybe you hesitate to say no even when your
calendar is bursting at the seams. Or you find yourself
instinctively putting other people's needs way, way ahead of your own,
even when your own tank is completely unempty m hm.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
The actions seem to point directly to a lack of backbone,
so to speak.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
So when these visible facts accumulate, it's quite natural to
conclude that a lack of strength, a deficit in confidence,
or perhaps a fundamental lack of courage is squarely to blame.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
You look at someone else who seems assertive and think
they've got something I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Yeah, well they're strong and I'm not. That must be it.
It fits the observable evidence, and so for many it
becomes the accepted truth without a second thought.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
It's almost too simple, though, isn't it kind of a
neat tidy answer?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Exactly, almost too convenient.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
What's truly fascinating here, though, is that if you actually
examine this idea more closely, if you really hold it
up to the light and push past that surface level logic,
you quickly begin to see that it doesn't explain the
whole picture, not even close really. How So, when we
zoom out and connect this to the broader context of
human behavior, you'll frequently find that many individuals who describe
(04:31):
themselves as feeling incredibly powerless or like a doormat in
their social or family.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Settings right in this specific situation, and.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Surprisingly be incredibly decisive, disciplined, even quite forceful and effective
in other entirely different areas of their lives.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Huh okay, Like, what give me an example?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Well, think about it. You might know someone who is
an absolute powerhouse at work, total leader.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, managing complex projects, making tough calls under.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Pressure exactly with an almost uncanny confidence. They lead teams,
negotiate difficult deals with the steely, resolved, zero dermat.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Vibes there right, totally assertive in that domain.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Or perhaps they're incredibly confident and capable in their solo
activities or hobbies. Maybe an amateur athlete pushing through immense
physical challenges like running a marathon, or a meticulous researcher
digging fearlessly into complex data, or an artist pouring their
soul onto a canvas, completely unapologetic in their expression.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Okay, I see that strong capable focused in those areas.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yes, these very same people who demonstrate immense strength, capability
and assertiveness in these other contexts, huh, still find themselves
repeatedly giving in to others demands, feeling steamrolled in their
personal friendships, intimate relationships, or within their family dynamics. They're
still struggling with that same doormat pattern, despite clear evidence
(05:56):
of their underlying strength elsewhere.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Wow, so the weakness lay just doesn't fit across.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
The board exactly. This stark contrast, this almost jeckle and
hide like behavior across different life domains powerfully suggests that
weakness cannot possibly be the soul or even primary explanation,
because if it.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Were just weakness, it would show up everywhere, wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
It, Precisely it would be consistent. Instead, there must be
something deeper operating beneath the surface, something more nuanced than
a simple lack of fortitude or courage.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
That's actually really liberating to think about it.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
It is because it shifts our perspective entirely. It moves
away from labeling this as a character flaw, which can
be incredibly debilitating and shame inducing.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, feeling like you're fundamentally broken.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Right, and instead it guides us towards understanding it as
a more complex perhaps even dare I say, strategic behavior?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Strategic? How can being a doormat be strategic?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Well, it's not about you being inherently weak, it's about
something else, driving a very specific kind of interaction in
very specific situation, a strategy to cope. Maybe.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Okay, that's a massive reframe. It suggests we've been looking
at this all wrong. So if it's not simply weakness,
if it's not just a fundamental character defect, yeah, then
what is truly going on?
Speaker 2 (07:12):
That's the million dollar question.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
This is the crucial question, isn't it. Why do people knowingly,
sometimes even consciously, but maybe often unconsciously engage in patterns
that consistently bring them so much frustration, so much quiet resentment.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
And often, yeah, a profound sense of self loathing. It
seems totally counterintuitive, almost self sabotaging, and yet, as.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
We all know, it's incredibly painfully common. There's got to
be a reason, right, a hidden logic behind the seeming madness.
Here's where it gets really interesting and a little bit paradoxical.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
I think Okay, lay it on me.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
If someone knows, deep down in their gut that they
will regret saying yes to that unreasonable request.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
But that they'll kick themselves later for keeping silent when
they desperately wanted to speak up.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Exactly why do they do it again and again? It's
not just an isolated incident. It's this persistent, recurring pattern
that defines significant parts of their lives.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Right, it's the repetition that's baffling. Why repeat something that
brings pain or frustration? What's the hidden payoff?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Yeah, what is the payoff?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
That's precisely the paradox we need to unravel the answer,
and this might surprise you, is that this pattern is
not accidental at all.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Not accidental, Nope.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
It is in fact a strategy, a strategy, seriously, yes,
and more often than not. It's a strategy that was
learned very early in life, perhaps in childhood, and then
reinforced over time through repeated experiences learned.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Okay, so it served a purpose once.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
It's fundamentally designed in a profound way to keep certain
perceived social or emotional risks at bay. It's a protective mechanism,
not an error in judgment. It's an adaptive, albeit ultimately costly,
way of interacting.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
A protective mechanisms we.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Have that changes thing. It's a crucial shift in perspective.
Instead of viewing yourself as simply weak or spineless when
you find yourself in the situation which feels awful, right,
it's far more accurate and frankly, far more empowering to
see this behavior as a calculated method, a coping mechanism,
if you will, for navigating social situations that feel inherently uncertain, unpredictable,
(09:16):
or even genuinely threatening to your sense of safety or belonging.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
So it's not about low self worth directly, but a
response to feeling unsafe or uncertain exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
This reframes the doormat pattern not as an automatic result
of low self worth, which can feel incredibly debilitating and fixed,
but as a deliberate, though often subconscious response to uncertainty
and discomfort, a.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Way of trying to manage the external environment the people in.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
It precisely, even if that management comes at a significant
long term personal cost. You're trying to control the uncontrollable
in a way that.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Makes so much sense. So when you start to analyze
the specific situations where you most often give in, where
you default to people.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Pleasing m hm, when does it happen most?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
You might begin to notice some very consistent common features.
Perhaps the people involved are incredibly important to you, a
close family member, a best friend whose opinion you deeply value.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
A significant other, or even a key colleague at work
whose approval feels critical.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Right, or maybe the stakes just feel incredibly high. Things
were to go badly, you might anticipate a major emotionally
charged conflict, a painful fallout, or.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Severe disapproval that you feel you simply couldn't tolerate. The
potential negative outcome feels catastrophic.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And in those precise moments, you'll probably notice that your
impulse to keep the piece, to smooth things over, to
avoid any friction, is overwhelmingly strong.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Absolutely, that internal alarm bill for potential conflict or rejection
rings louder than anything else, doesn't. It just drowns out
your own needs completely precisely. The underlying driver for this
behavior is often rooted in a deep seated, primal fear.
It could be the fear of conflict itself, the explosive arguments,
the uncomfortable sil the tension. Yeah, nobody likes that, or
(11:02):
the fear of rejection from those you care about, the
terrifying thought of being excluded or abandon that hits a
core nerve definitely.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Or maybe the fear of being profoundly misunderstood, of having
your intentions twisted or your true self dismissed.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Right. So, in essence, the doormat behavior is a highly practiced,
albeit indirect way of managing these potential threats. It's risk management, basically.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
But it persists because, yeah, it works in the.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Short term, in a very immediate and short term sense. Yes,
it does work to achieve its primary, albeit limited goal
avoiding direct conflict or negative reactions right now.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Nah. Okay, so you successfully sidestep the immediate discomfort you anticipate,
and that.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Short term relief reinforces the strategy. It's like a quick
psychological fix that offers temporary peace, even if it creates
bigger problems later.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Okay, So that explains why just being stronger doesn't work exactly.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
This is why simply trying to solve the problem by
telling yourself be stronger or forcing yourself to be more
assertive rarely creates lasting fundamental change.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
You might manage it once or.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Twice, maybe perhaps you say no in a moment of sheer,
desperate determination. But unless you address that underlying drive, that deep,
ingrained need to avoid discomfort and unpredictability.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
The old pattern comes back.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Inevitably, the underlying strategy will reassert itself. You'll revert to
what feels safe because the root cause, the internal negotiation
for predictability, hasn't been addressed.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
So lasting change means going deeper.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Absolutely, lasting change truly begins when you recognize that you
are not failing because you are weak. You are simply
relying on a strategy that at one point in your
life might have served you.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Maybe it was even necessary.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Back then, could have been necessary for your emotional survival
even but maybe it no longer fits your current needs,
your values, or your adult life circumstances.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
It's like running outdated software.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Perfect analogy. It's about updating your operating system, not just
trying to force a new app to run on old software.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
That's incredibly insightful. Okay, so this strategy is clearly all
about avoiding discomfort, about managing risk. But if that's the case,
if it's so deeply ingrained, what deeper, more fundamental human
need is driving this elaborate, often self defeating avoidance mechanism.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Right, There's got to be something even more basic underneath that.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
There's an even deeper layer here. Isn't there a primary
motivator beneath the surface that makes this strategy feel so
compelling even when it's hurting us? So what does this
all truly mean when we put the pieces together? Understanding
that doormat behavior isn't about inherent weakness, but rather this dynamic,
maybe costly way of managing your discomfort.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Right, Seeing it as a process, not a fixed.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
State, allows you to finally see the deeper, true motivation
behind much of this self sacrificing behavior. And that motivation
which might initially surprise you.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
Okay, what is it?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Is the profound human desire to control your environment, especially
other people's reactions. Ah control That makes sense in order
to keep things as predictable as possible. It's about wanting
to know what's coming next, to insure stability, to minimize chaos.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Even if achieving that predictability means sacrificing your own authentic self.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Exactly, you trade authenticity for predictability.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Wow, that's a heavy trade.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
It really is what often feels like a spontaneous act
of genuine generosity or pure kindness. M you know, instinctively
putting someone else's needs way ahead of your.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Own, like it's just who you are, the nice person.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Right, But it usually has a subtle, often subconscious calculation
taking place beneath the.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Surface, a calculation like weighing options.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Sort of. It's not necessarily manipulative or malicious. It's more
of an internal negotiation, a silent bargain we strike with
ourselves in the world.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Okay, explain that internal negotiation.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
You might find your brain running this silent high stakes algorithm,
thoroughly reasoning if I do what they want, then they
will not be angry and I avoid that awful conflict.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Or if I simply keep the peace by agreeing, the
relationship will remain stable and predictable and I won't have
to deal with uncertainty or rejection exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
This approach is quiet compliance gives you a distinct, albeit
sometimes alusory sense of control over outcomes.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Illusory control, right, because you can't really control how others react,
not really, but you.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Feel like you're steering the ship, even if it's sailing
in a direction you don't actually want.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
To go, and it comes at the expense of your
own preferences, your own boundaries, and ultimately, your authentic self.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
It's a very expensive form of emotional insurance, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
It really is. You can see this hidden calculation playing
out in so many real world scenarios once you know
what to look for.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Like what give us some examples?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Okay, Consider someone who consistently agrees to family obligations they
deeply dislike, say, attending a distant cousin's wedding. They have
absolutely zero.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Interest in, oh yeah, we've all been there.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Or hosting a holiday gathering they feel utterly overwhelmed by,
simply to avoid disappointing their relatives or causing tension at home.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Right the path of least resistance.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Seemingly, the perceived predictability of familial peace is prioritized over
personal comfort, personal energy, personal desire. They're trading their weekend,
their energy, maybe even their joy, for the comfort of
knowing there won't be a fuss, there won't be conflict.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
They're buying peace, but at their own expense exactly.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Or imagine an individual who routinely stays late at work,
picking up the slack for a colleague, not out of
a genuine desire to assist or true team work, but
because they harbor a deep fear of being seen as
uncooperative or maybe not being a team player, which they
believe could threaten their job security or reputation.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
So it's fear based helping, not genuine generosity.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Often yes, in both of these cases and countless others,
the person is essentially trading their own comfort, their own time,
their energy, their authentic desires for the predictability that from
pleasing others and avoiding potential negative reactions. They're making a
preemptive strike against perceived chaos.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Trying to control the future by sacrificing the present.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
That's a great way to put it. And what's absolutely
crucial to recognize here is that this desire for control,
this subconscious calculation, does not reflect malice or manipulation on
the part of the individual. It's not about being.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Sneaky, right. It's coming from a place of need, not
bad intent. So where does it come from, this powerful
drive for predictability.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
That's the key question. It grows out of a very understandable,
profoundly human need to keep social interactions stable, to maintain
emotional equilibrium basically to feel safe exactly, and to instinctively
avoid the high emotional costs that can come with conflict, anger,
or disapproval. Think about it. Conflict can feel terrifying, a
(17:50):
direct threat to safety. Disapproval from important figures can feel
like a threat to belonging, which is a core human need.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
So it's a very natural instinct to try and mitigate
those intensely uncomfortable feelings.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Absolutely, and many people learn this strategy very early in life,
often in childhood environments.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Ah back to the childhood roots.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Often Yeah, perhaps they grew up in settings where standing
up for themselves, expressing a differing opinion, or asserting a
personal boundary led to some form of punishment.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Like getting yelled at, or maybe the silent.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Treatment exactly, whether it was direct disciplinary action, emotional outbursts,
or that more subtle but equally painful withdrawal of affection
or approval.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
That withdrawal could be devastating for a kid totally.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
The emotional memory of those early experiences can be incredibly powerful,
even carrying into adulthood, creating deep neural pathways.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
That automatically drive people to avoid anything that even threatens
that hard won piece or.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Acceptance precisely, even if the current situation is completely different
and objectively safer, it's an old program still running in
the background, reacting to ghosts of the past.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Wow, it's remarkable how that early learning can stick with
us so strongly.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
It really is. And over time, this self sacrificing approach,
the strategy of managing others' reactions to maintain a sense
of predictability, just becomes second nature.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
It's automatic, like breathing, pretty much.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
It's no longer a conscious, deliberate decision you make. It's
an automatic response, a reflex. The impulse to keep others happy,
to keep the peace at any cost, is triggered almost
instantly without you even realizing you're doing.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
It, And that discomfort you feel, even when you just
think about asserting yourself or saying something different.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Can feel so disproportionate to the actual situation. Right, your
internal alarm system is just blaring yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Your internal monologue kicks in with thoughts like, oh, it's
just easier to go along with it, or I really
don't want to make.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
A big deal out of it, And those seemingly benign
internal statements are actually powerful reinforcements of that deep seated
desire for control, keeping you trapped in the cycle of
predictable yet profoundly unfulfilling clients.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
It's an invisible cage of our own making, so quiet
you don't even hear the bars rattle.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
That's a perfect description.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
So while this strategy might offer immediate, albeit fleeting relief
and that transient sense of control, what are the profound,
often hidden, and sometimes incredibly painful, long term consequences of
living this way?
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Right? Because there's always a price, isn't.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
There always for a life lived out of fear rather
than authenticity. There has to be a cost. That's the
million dollar question, isn't it the long term cost? Well,
this strategy of self sacrifice often and quite effectively prevents
immediate conflict and buys you that coveted short.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Term piece, which feels good right now, right, But.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
It creates other, far more insidious and damaging problems in
the long.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Run, like hidden interest accumulating.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Exactly, it's like paying off a small, nagging debt with
a high interest credit card. The balance just keeps growing
and growing, silently, accumulating costs that you might not even
be aware of until it's an overwhelming unmanageable burden, feel.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
The squeeze, but you might not connect it back to
those earlier moments of compliance.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Precisely so. On the internal front, what.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Happens well, you inevitably begin to notice a growing sense
of quiet resentment. It just simmers there.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yeah, that low grade, persistent anger at being consistently overlooked,
or maybe even a deep frustration at yourself for allowing
it to happen again and again.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
And accompanying this is often a profound sense of exhaustion emotional, mental,
sometimes even physical.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
The fatigue of constantly being on right, yeah, constantly monitoring
and managing the emotional landscape around you.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
It's incredibly draining, and each act of self sacrifice, each
time you override your own needs and preferences.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
It sends a message to yourself, a.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
Deeply damaging one. It inadvertently reinforces the idea that your
own needs simply matter less than those of others. Then
your voice is less important.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Ouch that hurts just hearing it.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
It does, and over time, this constant, subtle reinforcement can
lead to a chronic sense of powerless business, a feeling
that your life is not truly your own, like you're
just reacting, not choosing exactly that it is dictated moment
by moment by other people's expectations, demands, and moods. It's
a slow erosion of your sovereignty, your inner compass, your
(22:15):
sense of self.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
And here's the great bitter irony in all of this,
isn't it?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yeah? What's the twist?
Speaker 1 (22:21):
The original strategy, the one designed specifically to give you
a sense of control over your environment and over others' reactions.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
The whole reason you started doing.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
It, ultimately ends up stripping away your fundamental freedom to choose.
You become a prisoner of your own mechanism for maintaining peace.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Wow, that's a tragic, self defeating trade off. You gain
an illusion of control, but lose authentic agency exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
And it doesn't just affect you internally, right, They are external.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Costs too, absolutely simultaneously, and this is crucial. Those around you,
your friends, family, colleagues, may unwittingly start to take your
consistent compliance for granted.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
It just becomes the norm, the expectation.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Right, It's not necessarly malicious on their part. They just
learn the unspoken rules you've set through your actions, your boundaries.
If they ever existed clearly become increasingly blurry.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
And eventually they may seem non existent.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
M Your consistent self sacrifice in a perverse way unintentionally
teaches others that your limits are flexible, making it harder
and harder for them to genuinely respect them, even if
they had the best intentions to begin with.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Why would they push back or check in if you
always just say yes or go along exactly?
Speaker 2 (23:30):
This creates a deeply self reinforcing cycle that's incredibly difficult
to break out of on your own because everyone in
the system has adapted to the status quo you've created.
You've trained them how to treat you.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
Essentially, that's a tough pill to swallow. So because of
these severe long term costs, the constant resentment, the exhaustion,
the loss of self, the eroding of authentic.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Relationships which chip away relentlessly at your sense of self,
your energy, and your true connections, it.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Becomes incredibly clear the continuing to prioritize that illusion of
control over your own authenticity will always keep you stuck
firmly in the doormat pattern.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
It's a dead end, a pathway that leads to burnout
to a profound sense of unfulfillment and.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Ultimately to a life not truly lived on your terms.
It's the psychological equivalent of constantly bailing water out of
a leaky boat instead of patching the hole, isn't.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
It perfectly put? You're managing the symptom, not the cause.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
So if we want to move beyond this, if we
want to truly break free from this powerful self limiting.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Cycle, which is the goal, right.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Absolutely, we need to address not just the visible behaviors themselves,
like saying yes to everything, the surface stuff, but that
deeply ingrained, almost automatic drive to avoid discomfort by constantly
managing other people's reactions the root cause.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Okay, so how do we do that?
Speaker 1 (24:51):
The only way out of this intricate trap, this invigable
cage we've built, is to do this seemingly unthinkable, which
is we had to let go of that control.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Let go of control. That sounds terrified, It.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Really does, like jumping off a cliff without knowing if
there's a neat But it's where the genuine past to
freedom actually lies. This is the big pivot. This is
the radical shift that can feel almost revolutionary, almost completely
counterintuitive to everything you've learned or practiced.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
In your life the moment where things really change.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
But trust me, this is where the magic truly begins
to happen, where real transformation takes rout. Since that relentless,
deep seated urge to keep others happy, to please everyone,
to be the peacekeeper, that drive we just talked about
is fundamentally about controlling outcomes, about controlling their reactions, their moods,
their perceptions of your own. The only real, lasting way
(25:44):
to escape the doormat cycle is to consciously and courageously
let go of that control.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
So stop trying to manage everyone else's feelings exactly.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
It's about consciously stepping back from the impossible, exhausting task
of managing other people's emotional states.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
Okay, but absolutely vital. To clarify, though, is what letting
go doesn't mean. Because people might hear that.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
And think, oh, so I should just become a jerk, right.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
This isn't about suddenly becoming insensitive to the needs of others.
This isn't about transforming into a selfish, uncaring individual who
bulldozes over everyone else.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Wow, not at all.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
It also does not mean abandoning kindness, empathy, or compassion.
You can still care deeply about people, be sensitive to
their feelings and wish them.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Well, so you can be kind and have boundaries.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Absolutely. What it does mean, crucially is accepting the profound
truth that you simply cannot guarantee positive reactions from everyone
every time.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
You just can't, and maybe even more importantly.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Accepting that it is absolutely not your job to manage
how others feel or how they respond to your authentic choices.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Their feelings are their responsibilities.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Precisely, their feelings are theirs to own and process, just
as your feelings are yours. It's about recognizing the limits
of your responsibility. Your job is you?
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Okay? That makes sense? How do we start letting go?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
This brings us to the critical first step in this journey,
the willingness to experience discomfort.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Ah discomfort the thing we've been avoiding all along.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Exactly, you have to be willing to feel it. When
you express a preference that goes against the group, when
you voice an opinion that might be unpopular, when you
set a boundary that someone else might not like, there
was risk. There's an inherent risk that someone will disagree
or even be disappointed. When you say no to a
request that you simply cannot fulfill. You might encounter anger,
(27:33):
or perhaps the cold, uncomfortable silence of withdrawal, and that.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Can feel awful, especially at first.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
At first, these experiences can feel incredibly threatening, triggering that
old alarm system, especially if your entire history has been
about meticulously avoiding them. Your brain might scream danger, retreat,
go back to the old, predictable ways.
Speaker 1 (27:53):
But this is the moment of choice.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
This is precisely where the growth begins. This is the
moment of choice. Do you retreat or or do you
tolerate the discomfort?
Speaker 1 (28:01):
And what happens if you tolerate it.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
What's fascinating here, and what makes this so powerfully self validating,
is that as you consistently tolerate this discomfort, as you
lane into it, stay present with it, and actively see
that you can not only survive it, but also emerge intact,
which you almost always do, right, your confidence begins to
grow exponentially. It's like building a psychological muscle.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Okay, I like that analogy, building a tolerance muscle.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Exactly each time you face a moment of anticipated discomfort
and choose authenticity anyway, you prove to yourself that you
are resilient, capable, and can handle emotional turbulence.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
You get evidence that you're okay mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
But this process, it's vital to understand, is gradual. It
won't happen overnight, and there will be missteps for sure.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Yeah, you won't get it perfect every time.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
Absolutely not. It requires consistent practice, just like building any
new physical skill. It's a series of small experiments, proving
to yourself again, again and again that the sky doesn't
fall when you prioritize yourself.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
So, if this is a muscle we need to build,
where do you start? How do you practice?
Speaker 2 (29:08):
You start small? Definitely start small, low stakes. Begin with
low steak situations, tiny moments where the potential fallout feels manageable,
where the steaks aren't astronomically high.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Okay, give me an example.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Maybe it's turning down a minor favor that would genuinely
inconvenience you, simply saying I appreciate you asking, but I
can't right now, clean and.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Simple, no long explanation needed.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
Not necessarily. Or perhaps it's simply sharing a personal opinion
in a safe setting among crusted friends, even if it
differs from the consensus, instead of saying whatever you guys
want to do. Try you know what I'd actually prefer
x tonight.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Just stating a preference. It sounds so simple that it
can feel huge.
Speaker 2 (29:52):
It can think about daily life when someone asks what
you want to eat, State your honest choice, rather than
defaulting to the polite self aff facing oh whatever everyone
else wants.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Try saying, you know what I'm really craving Italian tonight exactly, even.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
If it's just that. Or if a friend makes a
request that genuinely doesn't work for you, like can you
help me move this Saturday? You already have plans or
you're just exhausted.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
Instead of saying yes and resenting it.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Explain your reasons clearly and calmly. You could say, I
appreciate you asking, but I won't be able to help
this Saturday. I've already committed to something else.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
Can you offer an alternative?
Speaker 2 (30:25):
You can if you genuinely wish to, but I could
help you on Sunday morning if that works. But crucially,
you don't feel obligated to fix their problem. The key
is communicating your truth without apology, without over explaining, and
without seeking their immediate validation.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Or approval, and in professional settings.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
Same principle. It's about clarifying your limits. If a deadline
is unrealistic, communicate that clearly and without unnecessary apologies. I
estimate I can complete X by then, but why will
require more time? What's the priority here?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Clear? Direct communication.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Each of these seemingly small acts reinforces the powerful message
to yourself that your needs and preferences are valid. You're
teaching yourself, brick by brick, that you can trust yourself
to handle whatever reactions come your.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Way, building that self trust. Okay, what else?
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Another incredibly useful and powerful practice, especially when you're prone
to automatic compliance, is to simply pause before responding to
requests or demands.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Just just pause.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
It sounds incredibly simple, almost too basic, but its power
is immense. When asked something, resist that immediate.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Yes impulse by yourself some time.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Exactly, give yourself a moment. It could be just a
few seconds of internal reflection, or you might even say aloud,
let me think about that and get back to you
in a bit.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
That takes the pressure off immediately.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
It creates a crucial space. It gives you invaluable time
to check in with your own feelings, your own needs,
your own energy levels, and your own authentic desire, rather
than reacting out of an old, ingrained habit of automatic
compliance or fear.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
So you respond intentionally, not reactively.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Precisely, this power of the pause allows you to respond
from a place of intention, from genuine choice, rather than
from a place of reflexive compliance or deep seated fear.
You're making a conscious decision, not a knee jerk reaction
driven by an old program.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
And over time, this habit builds integrity.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Absolutely. Over time, cultivating this habit dramatically strengthens your ability
to act with integrity. You're aligning your actions with your
internal values and desires rather than just reacting out of
a deeply ingrained fear of potential negative outcomes.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
It's a fundamental shift, it really is.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
It's the difference between being a leaf blowing in the
wind and being a tree rooted firmly in the earth.
You decide where you stand.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
I love that. So these aren't grand, dramatic gestures, necessarily.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
Not usually, No, there are repeated, small, consistent acts of
self trust, tiny rebellions against old patterns.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Each choice, each boundary set, no matter how minor it seems.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Sends a profound, powerful message to yourself, I am valid,
my needs matter. I can handle this.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
It's like building a sturdy wall of self respect brick
by brick. Every brick you lay is an affirmation of
your own worth, building momentum and solidity in your sense
of self.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Well said, that's exactly it.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
So as you consistently apply these actions, as you start
to embody this new way of being, you'll inevitably begin
to see changes in your relationships. That seems like the
next big hurdle. How do you navigate this evolution, this
shift in dynamics?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Right, what happens with other people?
Speaker 1 (33:30):
And what does that ultimate lasting freedom truly feel like
once you've committed to this path? So what does this
all mean for the people around you? The ones who
are completely used to you operating in the old way,
you know, the compliant one, the agreeable one, the one
who always says yes yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
How do they react when the script changes?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
As you begin to build these new habits to assert yourself,
to voice your needs, and to prioritize your own well being,
you may very well notice some significant shifts in your relationships.
It seems unavoidable, it really is.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
It's quite common for some people to be surprised, perhaps even.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
A bit confused, or maybe even upset.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yes, occasionally even upset when you stop accommodating them automatically.
They're used to a certain dynamic, a certain predictability from you,
and you're changing the unspoken rules of engagement.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
So expect some friction potentially.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Potentially, Yes, This temporary discomfort, both for you and for them,
is a natural, almost inevitable part of the process. It's
like a familiar song changing its tempo. It might feel
jarring at first for everyone.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
Involved, but it's temporary, you think.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
When we zoom out and connect this to the bigger picture,
it's crucial to remember that this discomfort, while real and
sometimes intense, is often temporary.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Okay, that's reassuring.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Those who truly value you, who genuinely care about you
as an individual, Your true friends, loving family members, support
of colleagues. They will adapt, they'll adjust. They might initially
express surprise or little frustration, sure, but ultimately they will
learn your new boundaries, and they will adjust to this
(35:07):
more authentic, more integrated version of you. They'll respect the
real you. And what about new relationships and crucially, any
new relationships that develop in your life from this point forward,
will be based on this foundation of mutual respect from
the very beginning, rather than on a one sided pattern
of self sacrifice.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
So you attract healthier connections.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Exactly, you'll find yourself attracting and fostering connections that are
inherently healthier, more balanced, and deeply fulfilling. The relationships that
thrive are the ones built on genuine honesty, not on
your constant performance of agreeableness.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
That sounds much better, Yeah, But the process itself.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
The entire process, while not always easy or smooth, Let's
be honest, there will be bumps in the road, moments
of doubt, perhaps even some emotional scrips and bruises.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
It's not a straight lineup.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Definitely not. But it is deeply, profoundly rewarding. It's far
more than just a behavioral change. It's a profound journey
of self.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Discovery, unearthing your true self.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Yeah, unearthing the self that might have been buried under
layers of compliance for years, maybe decades, And it's about
forging genuinely authentic connections with others.
Speaker 1 (36:16):
Moving from fear to truth and how you relate.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Exactly, It's about moving from a place of fear driven
interaction to a place of truth driven connection. It's about
finally breathing freely in your own life, maybe for the
first time.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
So what's the ultimate outcome? What does that freedom feel like?
Speaker 2 (36:32):
Well, eventually, as you keep practicing, you will find that
your sense of agency, that powerful feeling of being the
author of your own life and your self respect grows
stronger and more robust than you ever thought possible.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
You start to trust yourself more deeply.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
You will no longer depend on others to define your worth,
because your worth will be self determined, rooted firmly in
your own integrity, in living your values.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
That sounds incredibly solid. It is.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
You'll gain the confidence and resilians to navigate the complexities,
the inevitable ups and downs, the natural disagreements of life,
with a far greater sense of inner peace and.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Steadiness, less rattled by things.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Much less. Instead of feeling trapped, feeling like your choices
are constantly dictated by other people's expectations.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
And moods, which is exhausting.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
Totally exhausting, you will experience the profound, exhilarating freedom to
make choices that are truly, deeply authentic to yourself. It's
like stepping out from under a heavy blanket you didn't
even realize you were carrying all that time.
Speaker 1 (37:32):
Wow. Okay, let's try and summarize this journey. Now, bring
it all together in summary. Stopping the pattern of being
a doormat is less about acquiring new skills, though practical
steps are absolutely involved.
Speaker 2 (37:43):
Like we discussed the pausing starting small right.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
But it's far far more about unlearning that deeply ingrained,
often subconscious need to control others' responses and manage their emotional.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Reactions, letting go of that impossible task.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Exactly when I finally choose to let go of that impossible,
exhausting drive and commit to acting with honesty and integrity
even when it feels.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Uncomfortable, especially when it feels uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
You create the essential space, the very bedrock for healthier,
more authentic, and far more fulfilling relationships, to flourish.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Relationship spased on reality, not illusion.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Agency and self respect aren't given to you. They are
built painstakingly, brick by brick, through repeated acts of self trust,
of showing up for yourself. It's an active construction project,
it really is, and the result a life that feels
both more genuine more aligned with your truest self, and
ultimately profoundly more free.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
That's the goal, isn't it genuine freedom?
Speaker 1 (38:42):
It absolutely is. We've peeled back a lot of layers today,
haven't we? Moving far beyond that common misconception of weakness
that just keeps people stuck to understanding the strategic control
driven roots of self sacrificing behavior. We've explored how letting
go of that perceived control and career ageously embracing discomfort
are the absolute keys to building genuine agency and self.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
Respect and fundamentally transforming both your inner world and your
most important relationships. It's a huge shift.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Huge So as you go about your week, maybe a
final thought.
Speaker 2 (39:14):
For everyone listening, Yeah, something to chew on.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
Consider this in your everyday interactions. How much of your
kindness or your agreeableness is truly genuinely born of pure desire,
of authentic generosity, of an open heart, Versus how much,
if you're truly honest with yourself, is a subconscious effort
to predict and manage others' reactions, to avoid perceived conflict,
(39:37):
to keep the peace at any and all costs.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
It's a powerful question to ask.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
Yourself it really is, And then ask, what small, single
step could you take this week, Perhaps the one you've
been putting off to prioritize your own authentic voice.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
Just one small step.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
Allowing others the dignity and the freedom to react as
they may, and allowing yourself the profound liberation of true choice.
The journey to freedom begins with that one small, brave step.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
M
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