June 21, 2025 • 28 mins
Loneliness isn’t about being alone—it’s about feeling unseen.
In this honest and uplifting episode, we unpack the reality of modern loneliness and why it can strike even when you're surrounded by people. Drawing from psychology, real-life stories, and practical wisdom, we reveal four powerful strategies to help you reconnect—with others and with yourself.
👤 Learn how to:
Become your own best friend (and stop self-abandonment)
Give compassion as a secret weapon for feeling more connected
Find your people through shared purpose and interest
Ditch the “perfect friend” myth that keeps you isolated
Whether you're single, socially burnt out, or just quietly struggling, this episode gives you a roadmap to feel seen, supported, and human again.
💡 Real talk. Real tools. No shame.
🎧 Hit play now and take one small step out of isolation.
➡️ Enjoyed this episode? Follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need a little reminder: you're not alone in feeling lonely.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/mindbenders-brain-teasers-philo-psych--6019641/support.
In this honest and uplifting episode, we unpack the reality of modern loneliness and why it can strike even when you're surrounded by people. Drawing from psychology, real-life stories, and practical wisdom, we reveal four powerful strategies to help you reconnect—with others and with yourself.
👤 Learn how to:
Become your own best friend (and stop self-abandonment)
Give compassion as a secret weapon for feeling more connected
Find your people through shared purpose and interest
Ditch the “perfect friend” myth that keeps you isolated
Whether you're single, socially burnt out, or just quietly struggling, this episode gives you a roadmap to feel seen, supported, and human again.
💡 Real talk. Real tools. No shame.
🎧 Hit play now and take one small step out of isolation.
➡️ Enjoyed this episode? Follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need a little reminder: you're not alone in feeling lonely.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/mindbenders-brain-teasers-philo-psych--6019641/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, let's talk about loneliness, but maybe forget what you
(00:03):
first thought you knew about it, because it's not always
just about being physically alone, is it. It's more this
deep internal disconnect. You can feel it right in the
middle of a bustling crowd. Have you ever had that.
You're in a room it's full of laughter, conversation, maybe
a party, the office, even like a family gathering, and
yet there's this this undeniable, almost sharp ache of solitude.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Oh, absolutely, that feeling where everyone else seems totally connected,
completely in sync, and you're just well, you're there, kind
of observing it all from behind, like this invisible window.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Exactly. It's such a striking paradox, being with people but
feeling utterly alone.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
It is striking. Yeah, and it's actually remarkably common, much
more common, and definitely more complex than just you know,
being by yourself. This feeling, this disconnection, even when we're
physically with others. It really points to a big misunderstanding
many of us have about loneliness.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
A fundamental one.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
It seems definitely it's not just about say, geographical distance
or how many friends you can count. It goes way
deeper than that.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And that's exactly what we want to tackle in our
deep dive today. We're really going deep exploring loneliness, drawing
on some honestly really insightful research and different perspectives. Our
aim isn't just to scratch the surface. It's to try
and unravel the true nature of this, this really pervasive
human experience. We want to move past the easy answers,
(01:28):
the superficial fixes, and hopefully arm you with some profound
insights and maybe more importantly, some genuinely practical ways to
build deeper connections. And interestingly, those connections aren't just about
other people. They're also, maybe surprisingly about connecting with yourself.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
That's a key part of it.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Yeah, so this isn't just about feeling a bit better,
It's about fundamentally understanding and maybe learning to navigate that
whole complex inner world of human connection.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Right. So, when we hear loneliness, our minds often jump
to specific images, don't they. Maybe someone living alone, isolated,
maybe someone who just doesn't have many friends.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
That's the stereotype, for sure, it is.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
The conventional view is definitely that loneliness is a direct
result of being physically isolated. And look, it's true that
being physically alone can lead to feeling lonely. Of course,
it can't think about someone moving to a new town
knowing nobody, or maybe an older person living far from family.
That's real, definitely. But the sources we're looking at, they
(02:27):
draw a really crucial distinction, and it's one that honestly
changes how we should think about this emotion. Once you
grasp it, it really reframes the whole conversation.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
It really does. It felt like a revelation to me, actually,
because for so long it felt like the standard advice
was just, you know, put yourself out there more, or
join a club, make more friends, and poof loneliness.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Gone right to just add people approach exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
We sort of operate on this assumption that being alone
equals feeling lonely full stop. But what our research suggests
and what we're really going to challenge head on today,
is that well that is asumption is often just wrong.
I remember a few years back, I was at this
huge industry conference, hundreds of people. The air was buzzing,
you know, networking, laughter, everyone talking was right in the
middle of it, smiling, shaking hands, doing the small talk thing.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Playing the part totally.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
But inside I felt like I was floating in the
separate bubble, just watching it all happen from miles away,
totally detached. It was honestly one of the loneliest moments
of my life, precisely because I was surrounded by so
many people, so much activity. It makes you question things, that.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Feeling and that experience your story. It perfectly captures the
core idea our sources are stressing. Loneliness is not simply
dependent on being physically alone. It is fundamentally an internal
state of mind, just like joy or sadness or anger
are internal states.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Yeah, and emotion.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Exactly an emotion. It doesn't reflect despite what maybe social
media suggests, the number of friends you have, or how
big your family is, or how many colleagues you chat
with every day. The critical thing, according to the research,
is how connected you feel internally internally.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
That's the key word it really is.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Think about it. You could have a packed social calendar,
a busy family life, a job with constant interaction and
still carry this persistent, nagging feeling of being unseen or
unheard or just fundamentally misunderstood. It's a huge difference between
just having people around you and feeling genuinely deeply connected
(04:29):
to them emotionally, intellectually, maybe even spiritually. It's about feeling
that resonance, that internal disconnect.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Wow, it's powerful, isn't it. Feeling out of sync with
your own life, almost Like you said, like being a
visitor moving through these decorated rooms but never feeling like
you actually live there, never quite settling in.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
That's a great analogy.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
And this paradox being surrounded by loved ones, maybe a
great community, but still feeling lonely. It really hammers home
that the solution can't just be a simple outward fix.
It can't just be go join that gym or download
another app. Absolutely demands something deeper, something more nuanced, an
approach that maybe bravely looks inward. First, it has to
(05:07):
acknowledge that internal landscape as the real starting point.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Exactly right, Those superficial fixes they rarely touch the root,
cause do they. This persistence of loneliness even when you're
with people. It really underlines why the practical steps we're
going to discuss are so important, because if it's left unaddressed,
chronic loneliness, well, it can really grow into something more serious.
It impacts our emotional well being sure, but also our
physical and mental health.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Yeah, the research on that is quite stark.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
It is, and our sources even suggest quite importantly that
for people experiencing that kind of chronic, debilitating loneliness, the
kind that really hangs around it affects daily life, seeking
professional help is often a really vital first step. Talking
to a therapist, a counselor right.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Understanding it is one thing, getting support is another.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Precisely understanding this internal side of loneliness is key, absolutely,
but knowing when you might need pfers real support to
navigate it, that's just as crucial. It's not just theory,
it's about actively using that understanding and sometimes getting help
to really foster genuine well being.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Okay, So, if loneliness isn't just about who's not around us,
but more about how connected we feel inside, what's the
very first, maybe the foundational step we can take. Our
sources bring up this idea that honestly at first might
sound a bit radical, maybe even counterintuitive, but it makes
so much sense when you really think about it. The
idea is become friends with yourself first.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It sounds simple, doesn't It almost too simple? Yeah, but
the impact is potentially huge. The core thinking here is
that the loneliness we feel might not just be about
missing external connections deep down, it might actually stem from
this kind of unacknowledged longing for our own company, our
own friendship.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
We're looking outward for something we need to build inward.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Kind of Yeah. We're so used to seeking validation, companionship,
entertainment from outside ourselves that we often can completely overlook,
maybe even neglect, this fundamental internal need. This idea just
flips the script entirely. It suggests the real source of companionship.
Maybe the foundation for all connection isn't out there, but
(07:14):
deep within us. It's like an invitation to cultivate your
own inner sanctuary.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I think so many of us, and I'll definitely put
my hand up here, have misunderstood self care in this
context for a long time. We tend to boil it
down to something passive, right, collapsing on the sofa after
a killer day, zoning out with Netflix, just trying to
switch off the brain.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
The veggot model of self care exactly.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
But the source material is really clear. It's not just
passing out after a long night of working, or you know,
mindlessly scrolling through your phone It's about conscious time dedicated
to yourself and your thoughts, and crucially, those thoughts are
focused purely on you, not work, not drama, not other
people's problems, just relaxation and self connection.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
That distinction is vital.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
It really is. For years, my idea of self care
was catching up on sleep, maybe binge watching a show
I liked. But what I've genuinely found makes a massive
difference is when I deliberately carve out time, not just
fill gaps. Maybe it's just like half an hour to
really savor a cup of tea, notice the warmth, the smell,
just be in that moment. Or dedicating an hour to
playing my guitar, not because I should practice, but just
(08:20):
for the sheer front of it, or sometimes honestly, just
sitting in silence for ten minutes, letting thoughts come and
go without gribbing onto them. It's about active, intentional engagement
with your inner world, not just switching off.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
That's a perfect way to put it. The difference between
that passive rest which we all need obviously an active
restorative self engagement is absolutely critical. Here our sources give
some lovely practical examples. Take a genuinely relaxing bubble bath,
maybe with music, candles, the whole thing instead of just
a quick.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Shower, making it an event almost.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, Or dedicating time to a hobby you really enjoy,
where the process is the point, not necessarily the outcome.
Reading a great book, getting to totally absorbed without checking
your phone every five minutes. These aren't just activities. There
are deliberate moments for mindfulness, for engaging in a positive,
supportive internal biologue, for consciously connecting with your own needs
(09:12):
and desires without any external pressure. It really is like
building a relationship with yourself, a nurturing one, the same
way you'd consciously put effort into any important friendship. It's
an investment in your own internal ecosystem.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Like tending a garden inside yourself, making it a place
you actually want to hang out exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
A place where you always feel welcome, always understood, because
it's yours. So when that feeling, that familiar ach of
loneliness starts to creep in, the source suggests it's not
necessarily a signal to frantically seek external distraction. It might
actually be an invitation, an invitation to look inwards and
spend some time with a friend within ourselves, and the
(09:50):
impact of doing that. This internal friend, this inner ally
can actually help us calm ourselves, relieve some stress, and
offer a real sense of grounding a victually when the
outside world feels chaotic or overwhelming.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
So it provides a kind of stability that maybe external
relationships alone can always guarantee.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Precisely, it offers this unique, unshakable sense of stability and
self soothing. External relationships are wonderful, vital even, but they
can't alone provide that deep inner anchor, and the ripple
effect of building this internal security is really profound. Once
we've genuinely made friends with ourselves, built that inner sanctuary,
we might find we don't feel quite as lonely around
(10:28):
others or even when we are physically alone, because, as
the source puts it so beautifully, you always know you
got your back. That's powerful, isn't it, This strong internal foundation.
It fundamentally changes how we show up in the world.
We become less needy, maybe less desperate for external validation
to fill some inner void, and paradoxically, by becoming more
(10:49):
self sufficient in that healthy way, we also become more
genuinely present, more authentic, and that allows us to connect
with others on a much deeper, more meaningful level. It's
like building the internal fortress of self worth and acceptance.
It protects you, but it also allows you to engage
more freely, more authentically.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Okay, so building that foundation that self friendship is step one?
What's the next logical step outward? Our sources suggests a
second tip that again might feel a little counterintuitive at first,
but it's incredibly powerful. Show compassion.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Same simple, right, very simple.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
But when we're feeling lonely, the natural human thing is
to wish someone would show us compassion, isn't it. We
want someone to simply be there for us, someone to
understand us, someone to see our struggle and offer some kindness.
We really crave that empathetic connection.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
It's a universal desire, absolutely. But here's the twist, the
really powerful insight from our sources. Instead of just waiting
to get that compassion, we're encouraged to actively give it ourselves.
Think about it in your own life. How do you
feel when someone gives you a genuine compliment out of
the blue.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
It feels great, lifts you up right.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Or perform some small unexpected kindness holds a door when
your hands are full, offers a kind word when you
look stressed, doesn't it make you feel I don't know,
a little bit lighter, bit.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Cheerier, definitely more seen, maybe less alone in.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
That moment, exactly, more valued, more seen, less alone. It's
such a simple mechanism but incredibly effective. And the core
argument here is, yes, carrying out these kind acts helps others,
makes them feel better, But crucially it can make us
feel cheery as well and less lonely in the process.
Why because fundamentally we're engaging in a form of social interaction.
(12:31):
It's an active step outwards. It breaks that inward spiral
of rumination, that loneliness off and fuel.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Ah. So it shifts your focus from what you feel
you're lacking to what you can actually contribute.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Right precisely, it's a powerful shift in perspective from need
to contribution, from passive recipient to active giver. It's a
profound change in mindset.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Really, and it's not just a nice idea. Is that
there's actual science behind that?
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Oh? Absolutely, science overwhelmingly backs this up. This isn't just
you know, a feel good platitude. It has real, measurable benefits.
Psychologists like Ed Deener and Martin Seligman, who've done tons
of research on happiness. They've shown that altruism, that selfless
concern for others can lead to improve mental and physical health.
It can even help speed up recovery from diseases.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Wow, So it's mind and body definitely.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
And then there's this fascinating brain imaging research from Naomi
Eisenberger at UCLA. She found that providing support to others,
actually being there for someone seems to have unique positive
effects on key brain areas linked to stress and reward. Basically,
her research suggests that acting compassionately can literally predict decreased
stress responses in your brain. It's like your brain rewards
(13:41):
you for being kind and supportive.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
That's incredible. So our brains are almost wired to feel better, calmer,
less stressed when we help others. It's a compassion is
I don't know, a natural anti stress mechanism, a built
in biological antidote to loneliness.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Maybe it certainly looks that way. Knowing there's a biological
basis for it, that should be a pretty powerful motivator,
shouldn't it. Absolutely, it makes the case for altruism even stronger,
more compelling. It's not just good for the soul, it's
demonstrably good for your brain, your body, and our sources
offer very practical, doable ways to bring more compassion into
(14:17):
your life. Like next time you feel that loneliness creeping in,
instead of retreating further inward, maybe proactively reach out, call
a family member, message an old friend you know might
be struggling, or could just use a friendly word. It
doesn't have to be some grand gesture, a simple text, hey,
thinking of you can make a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Yeah, small acts matter hugely.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Or consider donating even a small amount to a charity
whose work you believe in, or maybe dedicate a bit
of time to volunteering for an organization you care about,
maybe even one focused on mental health or loneliness itself.
These actions don't need to be huge to have a
real impact.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
And that's where that beautiful dual benefit comes in again. Right,
you're supporting someone else, maybe making their day a bit brighter,
and in doing that, you're engaging in this positive social
interaction that directly pushes back against your own feelings of loneliness.
It's a true win win.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
It really is. It powerfully highlights how reciprocal human connection
is the active giving opens up pathways for receiving. Even
if what you receive is simply that profound feeling of
being useful, of being valued, of being connected to something
bigger than yourself, it fulfills a really fundamental human need.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Okay, so we've talked about looking inward, befriending ourselves, then
looking outward through compassion. What's next. Our third strategy brings
us back to connection with others, but in a specific way.
It encourages us to actively find your tribe. And this
connects right back to that first crucial point we made
at the start. You don't have to be physically alone
(15:48):
to feel lonely. Just being around people isn't always enough.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
So true it bears repeating. Presence does an automatically equal connection.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
No, I've definitely been there at those loud, seemingly fun parties,
tons of people around, but feeling completely adrift, like an observer,
not a participant. And sometimes it's even more subtle than that,
isn't it. It's not like you feel actively excluded. You
might have friends, classmates, you talk to regularly, people you
generally get along with fine on the surface, but you
just don't share that much deep down. You find yourself
(16:17):
kind of politely nodding along to conversations you're not really
interested in, maybe offering vague agreement because well, they're your friends.
But inside there's that little voice saying, I'm kind of
the odd one out here, that slight, persistent feeling of
not quite fitting.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
And that's a really important distinction. It's not necessarily a
negative judgment on those existing friendships. They might be perfectly fine,
even valuable in their own way, but it's acknowledging that
share interests, common values, resonant ideas. These are often much deeper,
more sustaining ingredients for authentic connection than just say, physical
(16:55):
proximity or social habit or polite obligation.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
Right, it's about depths, Brent, exactly.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And this is where that powerful idea of your tribe
comes in. So what does tribe actually mean here? Our
sources define it as people who share common interests and
ideas with you, or possess traits you aspired to adapt.
It's about finding people who just get a certain part
of you, people who resonate with who you are or
maybe who you're striving to become.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
And finding those people is so vital because, as the
source says, It lets you not only discuss what we value,
what really lights us up, but gain a friend a
real connection in doing so. It's about building those authentic
bonds based on shared passion or shared curiosity or shared experience,
not just because you happen to be in the same
place at the same time. I remember when I first
(17:42):
got really into like complex board games, way beyond Monopoly.
I felt a bit weird about it. First thought it
was super niche. But then I deliberately sought out and
joined a local gaming group, and suddenly I was surrounded
by people who would happily debate obscure game mechanics for hours,
who got all the niche jokes, whose eyes lit up
when you mentioned in a new game release. I had
(18:03):
friends before, good ones, but this felt different. It felt
like this part of me, this deep interest, could finally
come out and be not just understood, but actually celebrated.
That's the feeling, isn't it Finding your tribe, that sense
of ah, yes, these are my people.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
It really speaks to that fundamental human need for belonging,
doesn't it? For having your identity validated within a community
that truly sees and accepts you for who you are,
especially around your passions. It feels incredibly affirming. But our
sources are also realistic. They acknowledge that finding your tribe
it's not always quick or easy. As they say, it
(18:37):
can take some people many years to find their tribe.
They don't appear out of thin air. It's often a journey.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
That's a really fair point. Your perfect tribe doesn't just
magically show up on your doorstep. But thankfully the world
we live in now, especially with online communities, has completely
changed the game for tribe finding. It's much more possible.
The practical suggestions from the source are great. Here. Actively
join an online community on your interests. Are you a
huge video game fan, a bookworm, into crafting, whatever it is,
(19:05):
there's probably a group online almost certainly. Yeah. If you
love a certain game, don't just play solo. Reach out
to other players online, join the forums, make friends there.
If you love reading, look for online book clubs or
maybe find one in person at a local library or bookstore.
It's about being proactive and seeking those shared interest spaces.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
And these online platforms especially, they create these amazing spaces
for incredibly specific shared interests. It makes it so much
easier to get past geographical limits. You don't have to
just hope someone in your town shares your obscure passion
for on a seventeenth century French poetry. You can find
them anywhere exactly. And when you connect authentically over that
(19:46):
shared interest, whether it's music history, a craft of philosophy,
the friendships that form can be incredibly strong, really meaningful,
because in those spaces, the conversation naturally goes deeper than
just small talk. You can really dig into what you
value and you start recognizing those subtle cues, that feeling
of mutual understanding that tells you, Okay, I've found some
(20:06):
of my people here. It's connection built on resonance, not
just proximity.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Okay, right, So we've covered befriending yourself, showing compassion outwards,
and actively seeking your tribe based on shared interests. Now
for the fourth and final tip, and this one, this
one might be the toughest for many of us to
really swallow, but maybe the most liberating if we can.
There is no perfect friend.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Yeah. That's all hard truth to internalize, isn't it, Because
when you're feeling lonely, it's so easy, so natural to
daydream about what perfectly socialized would look like you might
picture yourself with this flawless group of friends. Maybe one
standout best friend who is just ideal, ticks every single box.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Oh totally. We build these elaborate fantasies we do.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
This fantasy is comforting, right, but it also becomes this
impossible benchmark we measure everyone against.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Yeah, you hold up this imaginary scorecard to every real
person you meet, and our sources are pretty blunt about it.
I hate to burst your bubble, but there's no such
thing as perfect meaning. Your imaginary friend isn't all you'd
hoped they'd be. And this relentless chase for social perfection,
even if it's subconscious, it can actually be this huge,
silent barrier stopping us from forming any real connections. I
(21:16):
can definitely relate. When I was younger, if a potential
friendship hit even one tiny awkward bump, or if it
didn't immediately feel like some perfect movie scene, I'd almost
instantly dismiss it. I was chasing an ideal, not embracing
a real, messy human connection. It was exhausting, and honestly,
it just led to constant disappointment and.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Chasing that impossible ideal. It doesn't just lead to disappointment,
can have really serious mental health consequences. There's theory and
a lot of research suggesting that people with high levels
of perfectionism they're actually at significantly greater risk for depression
even suicide. Ideation why because there are feelings of alienation, isolation,
loneliness feel even more intense when their unrealistic expectations inevitably
(21:57):
aren't met by their real world.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
It creates this is awful feedback louse, exactly, It's a
cruel paradox.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yeah, the very perfectionism driving them to find the perfect
connection actively prevents them from socializing effectively or sometimes at all,
because when they go looking for that perfect friend, surprise, surprise,
they can't find them anywhere in reality, which just reinforces
their belief that genuine connection is impossible for them.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. How incredibly, sad Lars Spenson,
the philosopher who wrote a philosophy of loneliness, he really
digs into this. He argues quite strongly that people with
crowning loneliness may likely be social perfectionists. He points out
that this social perfectionism is more common among lonely individuals
than non lonely.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Yeah, and Svenson's core point is so insightful, almost like
a diagnosis. He says, the lonely person often truly believes
they are unloved, unlovable, unbefriendable. But he suggests maybe the
problem isn't that they can't be befriended. Perhaps the problem
is rather that because they play such impossible demands on
friendship and love, they're not capable of loving or befriending someone.
(23:04):
Oh wow, it shifts the focus, doesn't it. Not blame
but awareness of the internal barrier.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
That is a profound reframing. It flips it from nobody
can befriend me to my own expectations are getting in
the way of me befriending someone. Yeah, it's about seeing
and maybe starting to dismantle those cognitive distortions like that
all or nothing thinking, right, where if an interaction isn't
perfectly smooth or instantly deep or effortlessly easy, it's immediately
written off as a failure. Right, black and white thinking exactly,
(23:32):
And that kind of thinking shows up in daily life. Right.
Maybe you avoid parties altogether because you're afraid you won't
measure up, or you won't find the right people. Where
you find yourself being overly critical of new people, dismissing
them before anything real has a chance to grow. It's
like an unconscious self sabotage that just keeps the loneliness going.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
So let's just state it clearly for reassurance. Are we,
as flawed, imperfect human beings absolutely capable of befriending someone?
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Absolutely. The powerful antidote to this paralyzing perfectionism is just
don't let a little perfectionism get in the way of
making a new friend. Easier said than done, maybe, but crucial.
We need to really internalize that people have flaws, every
single one of us, and not every single social interaction
is meant to be amazing or profound. Sometimes it's awkward,
sometimes it's silly, Sometimes it's just fine, and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
That understanding is truly liberating, isn't it. Once we can
genuinely accept be content with knowing that friendships, all human connections,
really can be messy. They can be awkward, silly, sometimes
a bit clunky. That we can relax a little, feel
a bit more open when we approach that exciting sometimes
scary process of making a new friend. This acceptance of imperfection,
(24:43):
it creates the space needed for vulnerability, and we know
vulnerability is absolutely essential for real intimacy and trust to develop.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
You have to be willing to be imperfect to connect imperfectly.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Exactly, when you bravely let go of the need to
be perfect, when you take off that heavy armor of
unrealistic expectations, you allow yourself to be truly seen, flaws
and all, and maybe even more importantly, you allow others
this space to be themselves too, imperfectly, wonderfully humanly.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
And that really feels like the ultimate most comforting takeaway. Here.
Someone is out there for you, someone who will connect
with your unique quirks and passions. But guess what, they
won't be perfect. They'll have their own flaws, their own
awkward bits, their own silliness and flaws and all You'll
still love each other, accept each other, and in that messy,
(25:30):
real authentic connection, they'll likely find yourself feeling a little,
maybe even a lot, less lonely.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Beautifully put, it's about embracing that unpredictable, beautiful messiness of
human connection, understanding that real intimacy often grows from shared
vulnerability and mutual acceptance, not from some flawless performance or
impossible ideal. And in that acceptance that's where we find profound, lasting,
truly human connection.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
So let's try and quickly recap our deep dive today.
We've really explored how loneliness is so much more than
just being alone. It's this complex, sometimes painful internal state
that can stick with us even when we're surrounded by people.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Right, and to navigate that tricky inner landscape of connection,
we uncovered four really powerful interconnected strategies from our sources.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
First up, cultivating that inner companionship actively becoming friends with
yourself first, dedicating conscious restorative time just for you, your thoughts,
your well being. Building that solid internal foundation mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Makes you less reliant on external fixes. Second, we look
at the reciprocal nature of connection through compassion and altruism,
giving kindness, compliments, small favors, volunteering. It doesn't just help others,
it demonstrably boots your well being too, and gaining positive
brain responses and reducing stress. It's that powerful two way street.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Yeah, the win win. Third, we talked about that quest
for authentic connection, actively finding your tribe, seeking out those
people who genuinely share your deep interest values ideas allowing
for those much deeper, more meaningful connections, whether you find
them in person or online.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And finally, number four, embracing imperfection, letting go of that
damaging fantasy of the perfect frend, allowing connections to be real, messy, awkward,
wonderfully imperfect, moving past that social perfectionism they keep us trapped.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
And all these strategies, as we've seen, they're deeply linked,
aren't they. Self compassion makes outward compassion easier. Realistic expectations
allow authentic connections to actually happen.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
They really feed into each other.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
So, as you've been listening to this deep dive, maybe
think which of these ideas really hit home for you today?
Is there one you might try out this week? Could
you maybe schedule some conscious quiet time just for yourself,
or perhaps reach out to someone you know who might
appreciate a kind word. What online group could you explore?
What tiny act of compassion could you offer?
Speaker 2 (27:52):
We genuinely help. These ideas give you some tools, some
empowerment to shift your own approach to connection, maybe leading
to a more fulfilling, less lonely experience. And remember what
our source is hinted at. Sharing this deep dive, maybe
passing it along to someone you think might be feeling
lonely that itself could be a powerful act of support,
and who knows, you might even spark a new connection
for yourself in the process.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Maybe the biggest connection we can make isn't just about
finding other people out there. Maybe it's about recognizing all
the connections that already exist deep within ourselves and in
those quiet, sometimes awkward spaces between us, if only we
give them permission to be beautifully, imperfectly real.
Okay, let's talk about loneliness, but maybe forget what you
(00:03):
first thought you knew about it, because it's not always
just about being physically alone, is it. It's more this
deep internal disconnect. You can feel it right in the
middle of a bustling crowd. Have you ever had that.
You're in a room it's full of laughter, conversation, maybe
a party, the office, even like a family gathering, and
yet there's this this undeniable, almost sharp ache of solitude.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Oh, absolutely, that feeling where everyone else seems totally connected,
completely in sync, and you're just well, you're there, kind
of observing it all from behind, like this invisible window.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Exactly. It's such a striking paradox, being with people but
feeling utterly alone.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
It is striking. Yeah, and it's actually remarkably common, much
more common, and definitely more complex than just you know,
being by yourself. This feeling, this disconnection, even when we're
physically with others. It really points to a big misunderstanding
many of us have about loneliness.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
A fundamental one.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
It seems definitely it's not just about say, geographical distance
or how many friends you can count. It goes way
deeper than that.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And that's exactly what we want to tackle in our
deep dive today. We're really going deep exploring loneliness, drawing
on some honestly really insightful research and different perspectives. Our
aim isn't just to scratch the surface. It's to try
and unravel the true nature of this, this really pervasive
human experience. We want to move past the easy answers,
(01:28):
the superficial fixes, and hopefully arm you with some profound
insights and maybe more importantly, some genuinely practical ways to
build deeper connections. And interestingly, those connections aren't just about
other people. They're also, maybe surprisingly about connecting with yourself.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
That's a key part of it.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Yeah, so this isn't just about feeling a bit better,
It's about fundamentally understanding and maybe learning to navigate that
whole complex inner world of human connection.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Right. So, when we hear loneliness, our minds often jump
to specific images, don't they. Maybe someone living alone, isolated,
maybe someone who just doesn't have many friends.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
That's the stereotype, for sure, it is.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
The conventional view is definitely that loneliness is a direct
result of being physically isolated. And look, it's true that
being physically alone can lead to feeling lonely. Of course,
it can't think about someone moving to a new town
knowing nobody, or maybe an older person living far from family.
That's real, definitely. But the sources we're looking at, they
(02:27):
draw a really crucial distinction, and it's one that honestly
changes how we should think about this emotion. Once you
grasp it, it really reframes the whole conversation.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
It really does. It felt like a revelation to me, actually,
because for so long it felt like the standard advice
was just, you know, put yourself out there more, or
join a club, make more friends, and poof loneliness.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Gone right to just add people approach exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
We sort of operate on this assumption that being alone
equals feeling lonely full stop. But what our research suggests
and what we're really going to challenge head on today,
is that well that is asumption is often just wrong.
I remember a few years back, I was at this
huge industry conference, hundreds of people. The air was buzzing,
you know, networking, laughter, everyone talking was right in the
middle of it, smiling, shaking hands, doing the small talk thing.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Playing the part totally.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
But inside I felt like I was floating in the
separate bubble, just watching it all happen from miles away,
totally detached. It was honestly one of the loneliest moments
of my life, precisely because I was surrounded by so
many people, so much activity. It makes you question things, that.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Feeling and that experience your story. It perfectly captures the
core idea our sources are stressing. Loneliness is not simply
dependent on being physically alone. It is fundamentally an internal
state of mind, just like joy or sadness or anger
are internal states.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Yeah, and emotion.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Exactly an emotion. It doesn't reflect despite what maybe social
media suggests, the number of friends you have, or how
big your family is, or how many colleagues you chat
with every day. The critical thing, according to the research,
is how connected you feel internally internally.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
That's the key word it really is.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Think about it. You could have a packed social calendar,
a busy family life, a job with constant interaction and
still carry this persistent, nagging feeling of being unseen or
unheard or just fundamentally misunderstood. It's a huge difference between
just having people around you and feeling genuinely deeply connected
(04:29):
to them emotionally, intellectually, maybe even spiritually. It's about feeling
that resonance, that internal disconnect.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Wow, it's powerful, isn't it. Feeling out of sync with
your own life, almost Like you said, like being a
visitor moving through these decorated rooms but never feeling like
you actually live there, never quite settling in.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
That's a great analogy.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
And this paradox being surrounded by loved ones, maybe a
great community, but still feeling lonely. It really hammers home
that the solution can't just be a simple outward fix.
It can't just be go join that gym or download
another app. Absolutely demands something deeper, something more nuanced, an
approach that maybe bravely looks inward. First, it has to
(05:07):
acknowledge that internal landscape as the real starting point.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Exactly right, Those superficial fixes they rarely touch the root,
cause do they. This persistence of loneliness even when you're
with people. It really underlines why the practical steps we're
going to discuss are so important, because if it's left unaddressed,
chronic loneliness, well, it can really grow into something more serious.
It impacts our emotional well being sure, but also our
physical and mental health.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Yeah, the research on that is quite stark.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
It is, and our sources even suggest quite importantly that
for people experiencing that kind of chronic, debilitating loneliness, the
kind that really hangs around it affects daily life, seeking
professional help is often a really vital first step. Talking
to a therapist, a counselor right.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Understanding it is one thing, getting support is another.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Precisely understanding this internal side of loneliness is key, absolutely,
but knowing when you might need pfers real support to
navigate it, that's just as crucial. It's not just theory,
it's about actively using that understanding and sometimes getting help
to really foster genuine well being.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Okay, So, if loneliness isn't just about who's not around us,
but more about how connected we feel inside, what's the
very first, maybe the foundational step we can take. Our
sources bring up this idea that honestly at first might
sound a bit radical, maybe even counterintuitive, but it makes
so much sense when you really think about it. The
idea is become friends with yourself first.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
It sounds simple, doesn't It almost too simple? Yeah, but
the impact is potentially huge. The core thinking here is
that the loneliness we feel might not just be about
missing external connections deep down, it might actually stem from
this kind of unacknowledged longing for our own company, our
own friendship.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
We're looking outward for something we need to build inward.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Kind of Yeah. We're so used to seeking validation, companionship,
entertainment from outside ourselves that we often can completely overlook,
maybe even neglect, this fundamental internal need. This idea just
flips the script entirely. It suggests the real source of companionship.
Maybe the foundation for all connection isn't out there, but
(07:14):
deep within us. It's like an invitation to cultivate your
own inner sanctuary.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I think so many of us, and I'll definitely put
my hand up here, have misunderstood self care in this
context for a long time. We tend to boil it
down to something passive, right, collapsing on the sofa after
a killer day, zoning out with Netflix, just trying to
switch off the brain.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
The veggot model of self care exactly.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
But the source material is really clear. It's not just
passing out after a long night of working, or you know,
mindlessly scrolling through your phone It's about conscious time dedicated
to yourself and your thoughts, and crucially, those thoughts are
focused purely on you, not work, not drama, not other
people's problems, just relaxation and self connection.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
That distinction is vital.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
It really is. For years, my idea of self care
was catching up on sleep, maybe binge watching a show
I liked. But what I've genuinely found makes a massive
difference is when I deliberately carve out time, not just
fill gaps. Maybe it's just like half an hour to
really savor a cup of tea, notice the warmth, the smell,
just be in that moment. Or dedicating an hour to
playing my guitar, not because I should practice, but just
(08:20):
for the sheer front of it, or sometimes honestly, just
sitting in silence for ten minutes, letting thoughts come and
go without gribbing onto them. It's about active, intentional engagement
with your inner world, not just switching off.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
That's a perfect way to put it. The difference between
that passive rest which we all need obviously an active
restorative self engagement is absolutely critical. Here our sources give
some lovely practical examples. Take a genuinely relaxing bubble bath,
maybe with music, candles, the whole thing instead of just
a quick.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Shower, making it an event almost.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, Or dedicating time to a hobby you really enjoy,
where the process is the point, not necessarily the outcome.
Reading a great book, getting to totally absorbed without checking
your phone every five minutes. These aren't just activities. There
are deliberate moments for mindfulness, for engaging in a positive,
supportive internal biologue, for consciously connecting with your own needs
(09:12):
and desires without any external pressure. It really is like
building a relationship with yourself, a nurturing one, the same
way you'd consciously put effort into any important friendship. It's
an investment in your own internal ecosystem.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Like tending a garden inside yourself, making it a place
you actually want to hang out exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
A place where you always feel welcome, always understood, because
it's yours. So when that feeling, that familiar ach of
loneliness starts to creep in, the source suggests it's not
necessarily a signal to frantically seek external distraction. It might
actually be an invitation, an invitation to look inwards and
spend some time with a friend within ourselves, and the
(09:50):
impact of doing that. This internal friend, this inner ally
can actually help us calm ourselves, relieve some stress, and
offer a real sense of grounding a victually when the
outside world feels chaotic or overwhelming.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
So it provides a kind of stability that maybe external
relationships alone can always guarantee.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Precisely, it offers this unique, unshakable sense of stability and
self soothing. External relationships are wonderful, vital even, but they
can't alone provide that deep inner anchor, and the ripple
effect of building this internal security is really profound. Once
we've genuinely made friends with ourselves, built that inner sanctuary,
we might find we don't feel quite as lonely around
(10:28):
others or even when we are physically alone, because, as
the source puts it so beautifully, you always know you
got your back. That's powerful, isn't it, This strong internal foundation.
It fundamentally changes how we show up in the world.
We become less needy, maybe less desperate for external validation
to fill some inner void, and paradoxically, by becoming more
(10:49):
self sufficient in that healthy way, we also become more
genuinely present, more authentic, and that allows us to connect
with others on a much deeper, more meaningful level. It's
like building the internal fortress of self worth and acceptance.
It protects you, but it also allows you to engage
more freely, more authentically.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Okay, so building that foundation that self friendship is step one?
What's the next logical step outward? Our sources suggests a
second tip that again might feel a little counterintuitive at first,
but it's incredibly powerful. Show compassion.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Same simple, right, very simple.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
But when we're feeling lonely, the natural human thing is
to wish someone would show us compassion, isn't it. We
want someone to simply be there for us, someone to
understand us, someone to see our struggle and offer some kindness.
We really crave that empathetic connection.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
It's a universal desire, absolutely. But here's the twist, the
really powerful insight from our sources. Instead of just waiting
to get that compassion, we're encouraged to actively give it ourselves.
Think about it in your own life. How do you
feel when someone gives you a genuine compliment out of
the blue.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
It feels great, lifts you up right.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Or perform some small unexpected kindness holds a door when
your hands are full, offers a kind word when you
look stressed, doesn't it make you feel I don't know,
a little bit lighter, bit.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Cheerier, definitely more seen, maybe less alone in.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
That moment, exactly, more valued, more seen, less alone. It's
such a simple mechanism but incredibly effective. And the core
argument here is, yes, carrying out these kind acts helps others,
makes them feel better, But crucially it can make us
feel cheery as well and less lonely in the process.
Why because fundamentally we're engaging in a form of social interaction.
(12:31):
It's an active step outwards. It breaks that inward spiral
of rumination, that loneliness off and fuel.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Ah. So it shifts your focus from what you feel
you're lacking to what you can actually contribute.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Right precisely, it's a powerful shift in perspective from need
to contribution, from passive recipient to active giver. It's a
profound change in mindset.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Really, and it's not just a nice idea. Is that
there's actual science behind that?
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Oh? Absolutely, science overwhelmingly backs this up. This isn't just
you know, a feel good platitude. It has real, measurable benefits.
Psychologists like Ed Deener and Martin Seligman, who've done tons
of research on happiness. They've shown that altruism, that selfless
concern for others can lead to improve mental and physical health.
It can even help speed up recovery from diseases.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Wow, So it's mind and body definitely.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
And then there's this fascinating brain imaging research from Naomi
Eisenberger at UCLA. She found that providing support to others,
actually being there for someone seems to have unique positive
effects on key brain areas linked to stress and reward. Basically,
her research suggests that acting compassionately can literally predict decreased
stress responses in your brain. It's like your brain rewards
(13:41):
you for being kind and supportive.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
That's incredible. So our brains are almost wired to feel better, calmer,
less stressed when we help others. It's a compassion is
I don't know, a natural anti stress mechanism, a built
in biological antidote to loneliness.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Maybe it certainly looks that way. Knowing there's a biological
basis for it, that should be a pretty powerful motivator,
shouldn't it. Absolutely, it makes the case for altruism even stronger,
more compelling. It's not just good for the soul, it's
demonstrably good for your brain, your body, and our sources
offer very practical, doable ways to bring more compassion into
(14:17):
your life. Like next time you feel that loneliness creeping in,
instead of retreating further inward, maybe proactively reach out, call
a family member, message an old friend you know might
be struggling, or could just use a friendly word. It
doesn't have to be some grand gesture, a simple text, hey,
thinking of you can make a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Yeah, small acts matter hugely.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Or consider donating even a small amount to a charity
whose work you believe in, or maybe dedicate a bit
of time to volunteering for an organization you care about,
maybe even one focused on mental health or loneliness itself.
These actions don't need to be huge to have a
real impact.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
And that's where that beautiful dual benefit comes in again. Right,
you're supporting someone else, maybe making their day a bit brighter,
and in doing that, you're engaging in this positive social
interaction that directly pushes back against your own feelings of loneliness.
It's a true win win.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
It really is. It powerfully highlights how reciprocal human connection
is the active giving opens up pathways for receiving. Even
if what you receive is simply that profound feeling of
being useful, of being valued, of being connected to something
bigger than yourself, it fulfills a really fundamental human need.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Okay, so we've talked about looking inward, befriending ourselves, then
looking outward through compassion. What's next. Our third strategy brings
us back to connection with others, but in a specific way.
It encourages us to actively find your tribe. And this
connects right back to that first crucial point we made
at the start. You don't have to be physically alone
(15:48):
to feel lonely. Just being around people isn't always enough.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
So true it bears repeating. Presence does an automatically equal connection.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
No, I've definitely been there at those loud, seemingly fun parties,
tons of people around, but feeling completely adrift, like an observer,
not a participant. And sometimes it's even more subtle than that,
isn't it. It's not like you feel actively excluded. You
might have friends, classmates, you talk to regularly, people you
generally get along with fine on the surface, but you
just don't share that much deep down. You find yourself
(16:17):
kind of politely nodding along to conversations you're not really
interested in, maybe offering vague agreement because well, they're your friends.
But inside there's that little voice saying, I'm kind of
the odd one out here, that slight, persistent feeling of
not quite fitting.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
And that's a really important distinction. It's not necessarily a
negative judgment on those existing friendships. They might be perfectly fine,
even valuable in their own way, but it's acknowledging that
share interests, common values, resonant ideas. These are often much deeper,
more sustaining ingredients for authentic connection than just say, physical
(16:55):
proximity or social habit or polite obligation.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
Right, it's about depths, Brent, exactly.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And this is where that powerful idea of your tribe
comes in. So what does tribe actually mean here? Our
sources define it as people who share common interests and
ideas with you, or possess traits you aspired to adapt.
It's about finding people who just get a certain part
of you, people who resonate with who you are or
maybe who you're striving to become.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
And finding those people is so vital because, as the
source says, It lets you not only discuss what we value,
what really lights us up, but gain a friend a
real connection in doing so. It's about building those authentic
bonds based on shared passion or shared curiosity or shared experience,
not just because you happen to be in the same
place at the same time. I remember when I first
(17:42):
got really into like complex board games, way beyond Monopoly.
I felt a bit weird about it. First thought it
was super niche. But then I deliberately sought out and
joined a local gaming group, and suddenly I was surrounded
by people who would happily debate obscure game mechanics for hours,
who got all the niche jokes, whose eyes lit up
when you mentioned in a new game release. I had
(18:03):
friends before, good ones, but this felt different. It felt
like this part of me, this deep interest, could finally
come out and be not just understood, but actually celebrated.
That's the feeling, isn't it Finding your tribe, that sense
of ah, yes, these are my people.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
It really speaks to that fundamental human need for belonging,
doesn't it? For having your identity validated within a community
that truly sees and accepts you for who you are,
especially around your passions. It feels incredibly affirming. But our
sources are also realistic. They acknowledge that finding your tribe
it's not always quick or easy. As they say, it
(18:37):
can take some people many years to find their tribe.
They don't appear out of thin air. It's often a journey.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
That's a really fair point. Your perfect tribe doesn't just
magically show up on your doorstep. But thankfully the world
we live in now, especially with online communities, has completely
changed the game for tribe finding. It's much more possible.
The practical suggestions from the source are great. Here. Actively
join an online community on your interests. Are you a
huge video game fan, a bookworm, into crafting, whatever it is,
(19:05):
there's probably a group online almost certainly. Yeah. If you
love a certain game, don't just play solo. Reach out
to other players online, join the forums, make friends there.
If you love reading, look for online book clubs or
maybe find one in person at a local library or bookstore.
It's about being proactive and seeking those shared interest spaces.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
And these online platforms especially, they create these amazing spaces
for incredibly specific shared interests. It makes it so much
easier to get past geographical limits. You don't have to
just hope someone in your town shares your obscure passion
for on a seventeenth century French poetry. You can find
them anywhere exactly. And when you connect authentically over that
(19:46):
shared interest, whether it's music history, a craft of philosophy,
the friendships that form can be incredibly strong, really meaningful,
because in those spaces, the conversation naturally goes deeper than
just small talk. You can really dig into what you
value and you start recognizing those subtle cues, that feeling
of mutual understanding that tells you, Okay, I've found some
(20:06):
of my people here. It's connection built on resonance, not
just proximity.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Okay, right, So we've covered befriending yourself, showing compassion outwards,
and actively seeking your tribe based on shared interests. Now
for the fourth and final tip, and this one, this
one might be the toughest for many of us to
really swallow, but maybe the most liberating if we can.
There is no perfect friend.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Yeah. That's all hard truth to internalize, isn't it, Because
when you're feeling lonely, it's so easy, so natural to
daydream about what perfectly socialized would look like you might
picture yourself with this flawless group of friends. Maybe one
standout best friend who is just ideal, ticks every single box.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Oh totally. We build these elaborate fantasies we do.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
This fantasy is comforting, right, but it also becomes this
impossible benchmark we measure everyone against.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Yeah, you hold up this imaginary scorecard to every real
person you meet, and our sources are pretty blunt about it.
I hate to burst your bubble, but there's no such
thing as perfect meaning. Your imaginary friend isn't all you'd
hoped they'd be. And this relentless chase for social perfection,
even if it's subconscious, it can actually be this huge,
silent barrier stopping us from forming any real connections. I
(21:16):
can definitely relate. When I was younger, if a potential
friendship hit even one tiny awkward bump, or if it
didn't immediately feel like some perfect movie scene, I'd almost
instantly dismiss it. I was chasing an ideal, not embracing
a real, messy human connection. It was exhausting, and honestly,
it just led to constant disappointment and.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Chasing that impossible ideal. It doesn't just lead to disappointment,
can have really serious mental health consequences. There's theory and
a lot of research suggesting that people with high levels
of perfectionism they're actually at significantly greater risk for depression
even suicide. Ideation why because there are feelings of alienation, isolation,
loneliness feel even more intense when their unrealistic expectations inevitably
(21:57):
aren't met by their real world.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
It creates this is awful feedback louse, exactly, It's a
cruel paradox.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yeah, the very perfectionism driving them to find the perfect
connection actively prevents them from socializing effectively or sometimes at all,
because when they go looking for that perfect friend, surprise, surprise,
they can't find them anywhere in reality, which just reinforces
their belief that genuine connection is impossible for them.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. How incredibly, sad Lars Spenson,
the philosopher who wrote a philosophy of loneliness, he really
digs into this. He argues quite strongly that people with
crowning loneliness may likely be social perfectionists. He points out
that this social perfectionism is more common among lonely individuals
than non lonely.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Yeah, and Svenson's core point is so insightful, almost like
a diagnosis. He says, the lonely person often truly believes
they are unloved, unlovable, unbefriendable. But he suggests maybe the
problem isn't that they can't be befriended. Perhaps the problem
is rather that because they play such impossible demands on
friendship and love, they're not capable of loving or befriending someone.
(23:04):
Oh wow, it shifts the focus, doesn't it. Not blame
but awareness of the internal barrier.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
That is a profound reframing. It flips it from nobody
can befriend me to my own expectations are getting in
the way of me befriending someone. Yeah, it's about seeing
and maybe starting to dismantle those cognitive distortions like that
all or nothing thinking, right, where if an interaction isn't
perfectly smooth or instantly deep or effortlessly easy, it's immediately
written off as a failure. Right, black and white thinking exactly,
(23:32):
And that kind of thinking shows up in daily life. Right.
Maybe you avoid parties altogether because you're afraid you won't
measure up, or you won't find the right people. Where
you find yourself being overly critical of new people, dismissing
them before anything real has a chance to grow. It's
like an unconscious self sabotage that just keeps the loneliness going.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
So let's just state it clearly for reassurance. Are we,
as flawed, imperfect human beings absolutely capable of befriending someone?
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Absolutely. The powerful antidote to this paralyzing perfectionism is just
don't let a little perfectionism get in the way of
making a new friend. Easier said than done, maybe, but crucial.
We need to really internalize that people have flaws, every
single one of us, and not every single social interaction
is meant to be amazing or profound. Sometimes it's awkward,
sometimes it's silly, Sometimes it's just fine, and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
That understanding is truly liberating, isn't it. Once we can
genuinely accept be content with knowing that friendships, all human connections,
really can be messy. They can be awkward, silly, sometimes
a bit clunky. That we can relax a little, feel
a bit more open when we approach that exciting sometimes
scary process of making a new friend. This acceptance of imperfection,
(24:43):
it creates the space needed for vulnerability, and we know
vulnerability is absolutely essential for real intimacy and trust to develop.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
You have to be willing to be imperfect to connect imperfectly.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Exactly, when you bravely let go of the need to
be perfect, when you take off that heavy armor of
unrealistic expectations, you allow yourself to be truly seen, flaws
and all, and maybe even more importantly, you allow others
this space to be themselves too, imperfectly, wonderfully humanly.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
And that really feels like the ultimate most comforting takeaway. Here.
Someone is out there for you, someone who will connect
with your unique quirks and passions. But guess what, they
won't be perfect. They'll have their own flaws, their own
awkward bits, their own silliness and flaws and all You'll
still love each other, accept each other, and in that messy,
(25:30):
real authentic connection, they'll likely find yourself feeling a little,
maybe even a lot, less lonely.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Beautifully put, it's about embracing that unpredictable, beautiful messiness of
human connection, understanding that real intimacy often grows from shared
vulnerability and mutual acceptance, not from some flawless performance or
impossible ideal. And in that acceptance that's where we find profound, lasting,
truly human connection.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
So let's try and quickly recap our deep dive today.
We've really explored how loneliness is so much more than
just being alone. It's this complex, sometimes painful internal state
that can stick with us even when we're surrounded by people.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Right, and to navigate that tricky inner landscape of connection,
we uncovered four really powerful interconnected strategies from our sources.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
First up, cultivating that inner companionship actively becoming friends with
yourself first, dedicating conscious restorative time just for you, your thoughts,
your well being. Building that solid internal foundation mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Makes you less reliant on external fixes. Second, we look
at the reciprocal nature of connection through compassion and altruism,
giving kindness, compliments, small favors, volunteering. It doesn't just help others,
it demonstrably boots your well being too, and gaining positive
brain responses and reducing stress. It's that powerful two way street.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Yeah, the win win. Third, we talked about that quest
for authentic connection, actively finding your tribe, seeking out those
people who genuinely share your deep interest values ideas allowing
for those much deeper, more meaningful connections, whether you find
them in person or online.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And finally, number four, embracing imperfection, letting go of that
damaging fantasy of the perfect frend, allowing connections to be real, messy, awkward,
wonderfully imperfect, moving past that social perfectionism they keep us trapped.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
And all these strategies, as we've seen, they're deeply linked,
aren't they. Self compassion makes outward compassion easier. Realistic expectations
allow authentic connections to actually happen.
Speaker 2 (27:28):
They really feed into each other.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
So, as you've been listening to this deep dive, maybe
think which of these ideas really hit home for you today?
Is there one you might try out this week? Could
you maybe schedule some conscious quiet time just for yourself,
or perhaps reach out to someone you know who might
appreciate a kind word. What online group could you explore?
What tiny act of compassion could you offer?
Speaker 2 (27:52):
We genuinely help. These ideas give you some tools, some
empowerment to shift your own approach to connection, maybe leading
to a more fulfilling, less lonely experience. And remember what
our source is hinted at. Sharing this deep dive, maybe
passing it along to someone you think might be feeling
lonely that itself could be a powerful act of support,
and who knows, you might even spark a new connection
for yourself in the process.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Maybe the biggest connection we can make isn't just about
finding other people out there. Maybe it's about recognizing all
the connections that already exist deep within ourselves and in
those quiet, sometimes awkward spaces between us, if only we
give them permission to be beautifully, imperfectly real.
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