Episode 13: From Chaos to Clarity: A Journey Through Hollywood and Home

In this deeply personal episode, our host reflects on a life marked by struggle, resilience, and the pursuit of authenticity. Growing up in Philadelphia and navigating the illusions of Hollywood, he shares stories of his humble beginnings, complex family dynamics, and the challenges of reconciling past traumas with present success. This episode delves into the contrasts between Tinseltown’s glittering facade and the reality behind it, offering listeners a raw glimpse into a lifelong journey of healing, self-discovery, and finding laughter amid adversity.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
I'm just laughing to myself reflecting back on my life,
my career. People in Philadelphia, where I grew up, don't
even use the word career. But here in Hollywood, where
I've been for quite some time, more than half my
life really is about that. And so much of this

(00:33):
career has to do with in show business, has to
do with the image that people want you to believe.
It's tinsel town. It's the shine, it's the bait that

(00:53):
we take, the oscars, the trophies, the accolades, the cover
of magazines, this illusion that's out there. It's just amazing
to me. That's what my life was. I was so

(01:13):
into it growing up as a boy dreaming a poor kid,
I mean poor in many ways, remember the hand me
downs and the lack of nice, nicer clothes, even though
we lived in a kind of ended up in a

(01:34):
pretty nice area with people into fashion and things like that.
But my sister and mom actually were I used to
make fun of them. They would have, like the the
sweaters with monograms, and I would laugh at the fact

(01:57):
that we had no money, but the sweaters represented money
they were made out of. I think some sort of
a angorra was that what it was, and I'd see
them filling their fluffy in the drawers. I always had

(02:23):
this overriding thought in me. It was I was compelled
to be natural, organic, call things out, call out the truth.
But it was really stopped. It was stopped in its
tracks constantly. Anything I say, by the way, is never

(02:46):
a blame, it's a self evaluation. It's the truth of
things that happened. At least I believe it to be
the truth. Everyone has a different perspective. It's poor, for instance,
that's something that I would definitely were below the poverty line,

(03:09):
that's for sure. My mom raised this by herself. My
dad never gave a dime of child support. He passed
away last year. And the reason I say that is
I did have a relationship with him. It wasn't It

(03:29):
wasn't a dream relationship, that's for sure, but it was
in some ways because it led to a response to
these outside factors that were kind of coming at me
that I had to deal with in some way and

(03:49):
manufacture my own life. Because the platforms weren't there the
more raise the value. They were ever shifting and didn't
understand them, and they weren't consistent and moving a lot.
We moved a lot. We moved in with people, we

(04:10):
moved in with an uncle, we moved in with my
aunt and her daughter, and several different situations and rental
homes and apartments, and it was a lot of disarray.
I'm giving you this background to perhaps have you relate

(04:33):
to it, have a better understanding of what I'm doing
with this podcast. That my life has been a healing,
healing from circumstances that are beyond my control that presented
themselves to me in a very chaotic way. There was

(04:55):
not balance, There was a lot of chaos, mayhem, and
I learned at an early age to find some laughter,
some take of this obscurity and make it somewhat normal.

(05:19):
I think that's part of what this podcast is about them.
It's a repeat of life, which they say insanity is
the same behavior expecting different results. But my insanity would
be if I didn't do the podcast, If I did

(05:39):
the same things, the same behaviors and responses and reactions
and mood shifting and manipulation and control. If I did
all of those things, that would be insane. And I
had coping mechanisms growing up, whether it's lying, cheating, stealing,

(06:05):
How did I say that that's what my my wife became.
Maybe it's karma. I don't know. This is all a discovery.
I hope you're here for it, open to it. Maybe
you can inspire you to go in a certain direction,
because there is a lot of hope in here. I mean, look,

(06:27):
I'm alive, first of all. Second of all, I really
have a lot of happiness in my life and success.
I mean there was from nothing to build up of
a career. The uh that's I use that word career again.
It's almost embarrassing because of Philadelphia. You work, and I

(06:51):
worked a lot of jobs. Starting with my dad. He
wasn't always a cult leader, but he definitely was a
charismatic guy who would I guess you could say con people.
He would get people to follow him. He had a

(07:11):
man that he always claimed that he took him out
of a chicken coop, kind of like a He almost
said that he was kind of like a leftover, like
leftover from the old days of like a slave. I
think he was like a slave according to my dad.
And this man was really dedicated to my dad for

(07:33):
a gate, basically saving him. Now in retrospect is the
first time I've even talking about this. Maybe that's how
I became somewhat of my father. Always think that I'm
very much not like him, But there are there are
qualities of me that definitely I picked up, and one
of them is I really do too much rescuing and saving.

(07:55):
But I do remember that feeling of thinking his name
was Moe, that he took Mo and gave him a job.
He was usually shoveling. He was usually dirty. My dad
had him. My dad was somewhat clean so he could
make his sales and things like that. He would wear

(08:16):
all khakis, wore khakis on top and khakis on the bottom,
and there were these very much polyester. He had them
in a box and he would take them out of
the box and he'd have one look. That was his look.
He had no other look, and it was like a costume.

(08:38):
He was a salesman. No matter what he did, he
would sell. He would convert the cesspools to the sewers.
He was the first guy to sell vitamins when vitamins
weren't popular, and different styles of different types of vitamins
and fuller brushes, and no matter what he did, I

(09:00):
believed in himself and whatever he was doing. I might
have described a story before. I always apologize if I'm repeating,
but oh well, so what, maybe I'll repeat it in
a different way. Maybe what's coming up for me? He
would con my mom. It was a bribery. And maybe
the reason I'm telling this story right now is I

(09:21):
keep coming up with I married my dad, not my
mom my wife before this was very similar to my
mom almost married, or because my mom would be happy.
This was at a time I was not really in
any healed space with my mother. I certainly am now
in a major way. I want you to hear that too,

(09:43):
So maybe you can have hope for your relationships with
a mom or a dad. Is it's just amazing to
feel like this. I've talked about it before, but talking
out loud about this. My dad was very secretive. He
was always on. He was always making something like making someone,

(10:05):
whether it was sexual or whether it was He had
a way of flirting and accumulating women, and he would
get involved in businesses he had. He was a big dreamer.
So these multi level marketing businesses back then, they call
them pyramid schemes. And that's again what Lotus does. My

(10:25):
ex wife, she's really really into these. I'm going to
read some some of the postings that she and her
her guru or idol have and all the postings have
to do with come on, follow me, follow me. It
starts with broke and then it goes with her and
now they're a team and follow us because we're just

(10:49):
going to keep talking about our lives. It's just it's
amazing to me what I'm reading, how they can actually
be okay with this and look in the mirror and
say that there's any amount of humility, that there's any
amount of self reflection, even because it's just these postings

(11:09):
of they like to hear themselves boast about discoveries and
they want everyone else to come with them. My dad
was very much that way. But you should follow me.
I remember he would show me how to make a steak,
and you have to make a steak this way. I
always think when I make a steak, I always think

(11:29):
of my dad when I have very few visits with him,
but that each one had impact. The one where he
visited had a lot of impact. Ay, Barbara in but
your big breasted friends over he was sellings bras meets
amn way like a pyramid. Bra operation. There's my Aunt
Dottie and Frand and Aunt Barbara in the living room
modeling bras for my dad, smoking a pipe, and I

(11:51):
peeked into that living room and it just it just
hit me. Here's this elusive dad, secretive like my ex wife.
I'm going to keep on coming up with the parallels
of how they are similar, very secretive. She is beyond
and he would he would be quiet. So people made

(12:11):
assumptions the same with her. You make assumptions she's a hippie,
she's she's maybe sweet and gentle, and I have seen
quite the opposite, which is so hard to believe if
you've ever met her. It's just and I have. I
still have all these visuals of what a wonderful, wonderful

(12:32):
person she is and I believe still is. And my dad,
he just had an agenda all the time. And again
this is great because this is just a revealing that's
coming up from me, from my highest source, from inside.
And I'm now following these parallels just to see the pattern.

(12:57):
And he's there was something there was in a an agenda,
but a searching and a he he was convinced like
this broke is and now lotus he was convinced that
what he was doing was right and there was nobody

(13:18):
else to If anybody else did go against him or
question him, they were wrong, and he avoided them, ran
from them, just like Lotus does in this world. And
I really have a tough time with labels if I'm
being labeled and me labeling someone. But sometimes for lack

(13:40):
of another term, you know what I'm not going to do,
and I'm not gonna label. I once told someone I
coach a lot. I do coach a lot, and I
don't coach something theoretical storytelling. I coach. I coach executives.
I coach people in speeches, and what I say is
tell your story, tell it in detail, because no one

(14:01):
can deny your story. And that's what this is. This
is my story. So he come around and I watched
him work these women, just like I watch Lotus work
these women, vulnerable women of usually of middle age, usually

(14:28):
of menopausal. Oh man, Sometimes I'm mental puzzle. I go
on a little blank now and then, but usually when
i'm in flow like this, it's okay. Just be in
the flow, creating this memory to kind of solidify some things.

(14:50):
I'm going to get to some readings, readings. I have
discovered some other things on on their Facebook pages and
all these pages where they just boast and brag and
the soul sister union that they have, and it's just

(15:10):
it sounds to me like a justification. And again I
don't like the labels. As I said, when I'm coaching,
I tell people. I once said in a one persons
show I did about my uncle, and at first I
wrote it and he's an alcoholic, And I said, what
if you describe someone and let someone else figure out

(15:33):
what the mental condition is or whatever it is. So
I said in my one person show that my uncle
would turn to me and say, nef with is Philly accent.
I'd rather be a good lever than have one. I
can't think that explains it. He actually died of liver
damage from the alcohol seven years sober, though, and I

(15:56):
was there at the end and watch this man. One
of the only men in my life because my dad
was very rarely in my life, was my uncle Steve.
I named my kids to all j names because I
was always called Stistas to Craig because I was the
only male around and my grandfather was kind of just
so distant and deaf and things like that. So there

(16:19):
wasn't a lot of him. So I was the guy
in this, the craig. So I said, if I'm gonna
name my kids, I'm gonna name all J names. So
if you stutter, it's gonna be the same word and
you're gonna say a J name, so they won't get
a complex like I had. So my dad would come around,

(16:44):
and I know, deep down, it's deep, deep, deep down,
he's a good person, meant well. But I'm gonna tell
you some of the things that he would some of
the little messaging that he would give me. He would
say things like I needed you, like custom needed more Indians.

(17:07):
That was his little love quote to me. Love language
my dad had. He says, you're useless is tits on
a bull? And I struggled and tried so hard. He
would stand above me as I would shovel for him,
trying to dig down to the sewer line or making

(17:28):
the sewer line to connect to the cesspool that was there.
He would analyze every bit of dirt that I took
out her. Who get a teaspoons? He laughed like this.
I'd fall into the ditch just trying to have a
visit with my dad and with my now ex wife.

(17:49):
I'm just trying to be a husband and a father
and a good person that I am just digging a ditch,
and in both cases I fell in it. I don't
know if. Yeah, I guess she's laughs too, because to

(18:14):
cut through to her and to cut through to him
for this kid that really just wanted love, and the
kid wanted love with his wife and really believed that
I had it probably did, probably had it with my dad.
My dad said it one time. I remember he said
it to me. I was twenty one in a parking

(18:35):
lot after we had lunch together. I paid. He always
made me pay. There's another thing I always pay for
lotus as well. Wow, these are incredible parallels. I'm saying
these things for the first time, and I hope you're
enjoying them. I don't care if you're enjoying them. What
am I saying? I'm really just I'm just bathing in

(18:59):
reality and organic substance that flows out. And so he
said in this parking lot in Quaker time, we met
halfway and I so wanted my father to say I
love you. I so wanted that, and it just did
not happen until twenty one years old, and he said

(19:20):
it all its tears in his eyes too. And one
of the regrets I have in life is I couldn't
say it back. I love you. You got it out
and I gave me kind of a little hugged too,

(19:43):
which I'm a big hugger, but I couldn't hug him back.
I think I I think I heard him too by
not doing that, by not returning that love that he
mustered up. Possibly guilty, possible one of his women. I'm
sure I know through the years. I know the women

(20:04):
would make sure. He always had the women make his
calls for him, and so he would come around now
and then with a gift. I remember he bought me
a shotgun, an over undershotgun with he taught me all
about it, and my mother said he's got to shoot me.
You can't let him keep this. So I held on

(20:27):
to that. I never shot it. Showed me how the
shells work and the buckshot and things like that, and
I felt very manly because I had a rough time
being a man without a man around to be an example,
and Uncle Steve would be an example of drinking quarts
of valley forged beer and vomiting on my varsity football jacket,

(20:47):
which I still have. I still have with the vomited
stain on it, well memorabilia. He slept in my fort
underneath that with bottles of Valley forged beer and he
would get me my beer. I was a kid. These
are my role models, and that's the route I took

(21:08):
self obsession, trying to slowly kill myself, which I did
try and I did accomplish it. I hovered over my body,
overdosed in Jamaica. I didn't want to be me. I
didn't want to be alive. Part of me did because
I was like the party guy and people come to
me and I was always the organizer of the party,

(21:28):
and I am to this day. But there was just
this part of me that I wanted more. I wanted
more of my dad. I wanted more than you. So
that shotgun, now that I think of it. Lotus is
also not generous with me at all, very very little.

(21:49):
She did have a beautiful surprise party for me one time.
It really was incredible. I had one for her as well,
and blew her away. I really did a lot of
things that I thought she would love and seemingly did
love things that I was taught that a woman would enjoy.

(22:13):
I've always been that way. And then in retrospect, maybe
you can hear this. It's not real. So you're buying
into something that I would say to myself. I'd buy
flowers and I'd say, wow, this doesn't make any sense.
Who came up with this one? They die by I
want to buy living flowers in a pot. You can

(22:35):
water them and watch them grow. But again, I kept
doing things that I thought that the woman would want
and I would please her. And that happened a lot
with Lotus throughout our time together. And it's a form
of rescuing, and it's a failed concept. I want to
reiterate that I will continue to do that. So my

(22:58):
dad had these you have men now now, and then
it would be like like this guy Curtis my dad's
final days, Curtis was baking me for money that my
dad took from him. I felt so bad for I
did remember him. He was They were in the contracting
business with the back hose and things like that. My
father always wanted me to operate back hose and he

(23:21):
compare me to people, what about do you look at
a kid he's fourteen, he can already drive his stick shift.
To all those comparisons, he just didn't know how to
be a dad that I would see and fantasize on television.
I had mentioned this before, but I'll mention it again,

(23:43):
that I would look at baseball cards and I really
wanted to be a baseball player. I thought, this is
a way for manhood, this is a way for attention,
this is a way for love, because they're loved and
they have literally thousands of fans that love them. And
I would take my glove to the game and sit there.
We had always had really bad seats because we couldn't

(24:05):
afford better seats. One time, I was the safety on
a short bus. True story. I became in the safety
patrol just so I knew that the safety day was
happening at the stadium and at Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia.
I knew, oh, the Phillies hosted safety Day. So I
was going to get free tickets and sit a little

(24:26):
close that I normally do. I was so high up.
Larry Bow would come up and choke choked up on
his bat, and I was there. I'd put my glove down,
but I thought if I catch this. They would have
a sign that said sign them up, and then they'd
sign you to an honorary contract. I thought, that's all
get discovered. I'm going to catch this ball in the air.

(24:47):
But no balls came anywhere close to me up in
a seven hundred, eight hundred whatever level. It was. The
Goodyear blimp was scraping my head. But I was in denial.
Another thing that exists in my entire life. And I
looked at baseball cards and I would analyze them. I said,
this one I could still tell. Larry bow is married
to Shana Bowich, Greg Lezinski was married. Mike Schmidt was

(25:07):
married to Donna Schmidt from Ernheim, Pennsylvania. I literally can
remember all of this because I thought they cannot be
my dad. I discarded or traded their cards. I only
wanted one statistic single guys. I so wanted a life
that other people had. I desperately wanted marriage for my mom,

(25:32):
marriage for me, eventually, love love, love, and that's not
what happened. So I said, Mom, I found your guy here,
Tim McCarver. He's a catcher with the Phillies, he already
won a World Series. He could teach me how to
pitch he could adopt me backyard. That a whole visual

(25:55):
fantasy visual another thing that happened in my marriages, a
fantasy of what I want to see manifest. And again
this is self evaluation to say I brought some of

(26:16):
this fourth, I bought it all fourth and responsible for
this equation. We're not the victim to a math equation.
Math is math. So I wrote to him, I had
someone in the neighborhood that knew someone and it was

(26:38):
in these costumes at the Veterans Stadium, Philadelphia, phil and Phyllis.
I had an introde. I got this letter. I said,
let Tim McCarver see that. I want him to meet
my mom. And she's a bachelorette. He's a bachelor. You know,
he's a single guy. He won a world series with
the Cardinals. He's going to bring us one. He was
a great catcher. I think he's from Memphis. I mean,

(27:01):
I remember all these statistics about Tim McCarver. And my
mom's Irish and she loves Irish. And I said, Mom,
he's Irish. He doesn't want me. I guess he does.
I was always in denial and romanticizing, and I wrote
to him a letter that said you should meet my mom.
Found a photo stick a photo in there. Here you go,

(27:24):
get this to Tim McCarver. And it's also a sign
of something I else. I've always been as resilient and
you're not going to take me down. You're not going
to stop my dreams. I'm going to keep going. And
I handed him. I handed this guy and I never
heard back from Tim McCarver. And it didn't like kill

(27:49):
me or anything, but was a little disappointed that he
didn't get back to me at least say I'm taking
or I'm seeing someone or whatever was he never got
back to me. Years later. I am so fortunate to
meet so many people in this business, and you know,
quite frankly fans of mine, especially a lot of sports.
Oh my god, I've met even the guy I mentioned before,

(28:09):
Mike Schmid, It's a Hall of famer. I got to
know him, so many people I got to know through
the year's childhood idols and things like that. I've just
met so many people because they're really into comedy and
into my comedy. You know, I want to be them
and they want to be me. I know these you know,
a c DC played my Wedding and Oates from Hall

(28:30):
and Oates is in my movie and Rio Speedwagon and
Kenny Loggins and Kevin Cronin Kenny Loggins played my parking Lot.
You know, I just know all of these incredible talents, actors.
You know, Sam Jackson's a friend, will Be will Be Goldberg.
I mean, this is amazing, this life based on developing

(28:52):
this talent that comes from this pain. Though I transmuted
the pain into the talent, into the comedy, into the laughter,
into being of service to others, so possibly they can
be uplifted from something they might be going through similar
to what I went through. I can be there for

(29:13):
other people and have been. I know people that have
thank me because they're going to commit suicide, and people
that have given me credit because they have children that
were conceived after my show. They pretended they were the
love Master or this character I do, and just so
many it's been. The rewards are endless. The people that
have come up and longtime fans, I see them on

(29:34):
Facebook all the time and thank you for still being
there with me. I was talking to somebody a mentor today,
I said, they're not after your jokes, they want to
know you that's what they fall in love with. And
I've had this great love affair with so many people.
Debbie East coming to my show for probably the eightieth

(29:56):
time this weekend, I said, stop paying, so I made
sure I got our tickets. I mean, people have seen
me dozens of times, and they're not coming back for
the material. They're coming back from me. She remembered that
my daughter was born. I was playing the Brave improv
that night, and she reminded me so cute my daughter
ten years ago. She still remembers that. People remember when
you let yourself. When I let myself into someone else's life,

(30:20):
and it's reciprocal. And I have like family now, Julie
and the Valentine's or like my West Coast family. It's
just been an amazing adventure due to this comedy making
people laugh. This is what I coached too, is the
alchemy of laughter. It really is transmuting and shifting something

(30:45):
that seems so terrible. People are sad for me here
and this whole thing. No, don't be sad for me
or my kids. We are It's an obstacle. Just like
you have obstacles. Your obstacle could be smaller. It doesn't matter.
It's not to judge it. It's there. What are you
gonna do about it? So Tim McCarver didn't write me back,

(31:10):
I'm gonna curse now. So I'm trying not to win
this entire thing. It's it's it's very easy to do that.
I can shock you. I think a lot of people do.
I know Tony Robbins. He's an old friend. Also, he's
been used to see me way before. He was really
that big. He's always been big. He's like six ' eight.
But he does a disruptor. He says fuck all the time. Right,

(31:31):
So I decided to do the opposite because being hired corporately.
I just did a completely clean set for Dry Comedy Bar,
Dry whatever it's called. It's coming out soon, completely clean.
It's a Mormon country. Couldn't even say hooker reword everything.

(31:52):
But just be conscious. I'm just trying to be conscious,
but I can't be for the following curse, So clever,
cover your ears. I want to write a book called
God's a slow motherfucker. It's like just so slow, never
on my time things are delivered. But this thing with

(32:13):
Tim McCarver took thirty years or whatever. It was. I
told Joe Buck that story. Joe Bucker came to my
show and we got to know each other a little bit,
and he loved the comedy. And Joe Buck got a
ball from his partner, Tim McCarver. There were broadcast partners
for years. And I get the ball and it says

(32:33):
it's signed by Tim McCarver, and it says, dear son,
time to grow up. Love dad, ak Tim McCarver. And
isn't it odd that both my dads died last year?
Tim McCarver passed away. I never met him. My dad

(32:55):
passed away, and I never really met him either, but
the stories I have. He bought me a car for
my sixteenth birthday. I drove it. He signs the title
over to me. It was kind of his entrance into
the house. I think he must have felt guilty that
he was did not have a gift, and it was
my sixteenth birthday, so he just okay, just signs this

(33:17):
title over to like a nineteen seventy two Pontiac. Oh,
I was so excited I had this title. It was,
you know, oh my god, I own a car and
I drove it up and down the driveway adn't even
my license yet. And then I was calling my friends.
I got a car. Guys, I got a car. I
can take us to the mall. And this is awesome.

(33:40):
He stayed for a little while. Once in a while
he would and then he drove away in the car.
I never saw the car again. He didn't have a ride.
He drove away in the car. Then he got me
and my little Nile. The way I look at things

(34:01):
and this always turning things around and making fun is
my friends would say, do you have a car? I go, yeah,
I do, and I'd show them the title. There you
go take that to them all fire it up and
all through the years. Please let me bond with him.
I will do anything, and I would work for him.
I caught a shark, and the next thing I know,

(34:22):
he buys these landing crafts for a dollar in Norfolk, Virginia.
Where Norfolk, Virginia picking up these landing crafts like those
things in Normandy that he buys a beach. You needed
a machete to get through everything. And there was the
invasion at Tarawa with these six landing crafts. We broke
down on the way down and I had to hold
the flashlight late late at night because he doesn't have

(34:42):
the proper titles for things or tags for things. He
never did. And in these trucks and we'd be pulled
over by the police. It was the longest trip ever.
Get up, you're useless, Get up, Hold the flesh. I'm
falling asleep. Literally, I'm in the gravel. It sticks me
in a car with his big heav guy with jowsy snoring.
I had to go underneath the car and it's raining

(35:03):
and it's welded and going on at three o'clock in
the morning in this Norfolk shipyard. That's how I bonded
with my dad. And just like Lotus, none of these
multi level marketing, none of these schemes, none of these
entrepreneurial ideas ever came to fruition. And just like Lotus,

(35:29):
we're left with the consequences of insincerity, of fraudulent lies,
of deception, and we're left cleaning it up, trying to
make trying to make peace out of it, try and

(35:50):
peace out of the pieces. And they both work out
of unconsciousness no matter how much you approach something with
I've had all these shifts within, you know, looking at
myself and falling on my sword. Literally, maya culpa, may

(36:11):
a culpa. I apologize even recently as of today, I'm
really come from a space of love when I try
to communicate to I mean real love, forgiveness, acceptance, and
I just as for the tiniest thing, and that is

(36:31):
a manipulator has to stay a manipulator. They can't change.
I guess that. I mean, I shouldn't say can't change,
and I shouldn't say they. She and my dad have
no compromise. I don't think she's ever compromised with her
stubbornness obstinates. So this time I said, I'd like to

(36:56):
redo our support agreement. And she's lived off of my wages,
spent money foolishly, first cult, the second cult, in between cults,
all that kind of stuff. It's just one business after another,
each failed, just like my dad. And also he hit

(37:21):
me up until the very end as well. I was
would be in some Ville town. It's always Harley's Ville Bank,
some Ville Bank in Pennsylvania. It was my son, the
big shot here's in Hollywood, eh. And he would convince
me to co sign on these loans. Hardly ever talked
to me, no communication, but I'd come back to Pennsylvania,

(37:42):
and he would humiliate me into signing these things, called
me mister big shot, mister Hollywood. And she works me too.
She works me. So I'm thinking, oh maybe, and I'm
really coming from a loving space. And people think no, no,
no no, especially lawyers, No no, no no, do not
do this, do not show this other, you know, admitting

(38:02):
things and whatever it is. She definitely doesn't admit anything,
so she's really good at that. She would pull out
cameras to film me, see, I guess, trying to catch
some violence or something, which was funny because I was
just flashing peace signs, let's go to the let's go
to a good vibe, or I did that angri or

(38:23):
she got the more she pull out the camera, and
then I get accused of, you know, coming forward, I
guess whatever it is. It's just it's amazing the manipulation
it took place with both people. How they can turn
it around and make it about me and my failures
and what I'm doing. He would call me a failure

(38:44):
all the time and say that I'm in a stupid business.
You know, it's ridiculous. Why don't I join him? And
whatever he was doing at the time mule rides in
the Pocono Mountains where he had a harem of fourteen women.
He called it his harem. That was his cult. He accumulated.
He would go around Pennsylvania to auctions and things like

(39:04):
this and just he would just work these women and
manipulate and get them to He would do it in
a way where again, a lot of these patterns I'm
trying to give you so you can look for the
warning signs as well with someone trying to work you

(39:25):
and they give you like little moments, little moments of
thank you or maybe even a little bit of praise
for just a second, just so that you can get
just so they can keep on going, so you'll praise
them and do what they want you to do. So
I said to her, I'm really absolutely sending love. I

(39:46):
mean big time. That's the space that I'm in even
right now. I don't know if you can hear my voice,
but I am in a full knowing that this is
the only answer. But again, you know, God's is slow.

(40:07):
God's slow, so it's not coming back, and I have
to relax and let it go. I'm saying, I'm lovingly
inviting you to tell me, are you making more money
than we signed the deal? I'm very clear, and she says, oh, oh,
you fill out the forms. My lawyer sends you to

(40:28):
the forms. By the way she broke that problems up
the breaking of promises. Both of them have that in common.
It's just unbelievable. There is no vow, there is no commitment,
there's no honor at all. Just easily break these vows
and commitments and promises, breaks them to the children, brings

(40:51):
them to tears. Lies, just incessantly brings them to tears,
brings me to tears. I actually don't shed tears. I should,
I don't. I've been coming close, but I'm I'm due
for a good sorrow. Sob one of these days when
I can get rid of my mom's voice. And she

(41:12):
just literally called me yesterdays because I saw a man
crying on TV. There's something wrong with this man? Are
crying on TV? Oh? I was just laughing, just thinking,
you know, that's what I was thinking. I need. I
probably need a good cry I could to continue my cleansing.
My cleansing does have to do though, with bringing grand,

(41:34):
beautiful God, divine ethereal love to all situations. Someone just
came at me on Facebook, and at first I went Craig.
I went Craig, my Philly guy, the defensive guy, the
guy that's gonna overpower and you know over you know,
I've got a pretty good mind that I've worked up
and responses and really strength when I think is strength

(41:57):
and it's not. And there was strength when I said
to her, I hear your pain. I love you. I
don't know her really, but that's what I said. That
was like I was compelled to do that. And what
can someone say, Probably get angrier, Probably get angrier. I

(42:19):
don't think people want solutions. Sort of seems that way.
People aren't looking for that love solution because it is
that simple. So I'm bringing this love to her And
I said, can you do this one tiny thing? I'm
inviting it. It's just this this one thing to men defense,
to build trust, and it really is a tiny thing
to say. Like I even send her numbers already, if

(42:40):
they just weren't in a form. I had my business
manager send her numbers of you know, mine are the same.
When we made the deal, and I took a big
dip after the pandemic. During the pandemic, just really a big,
big dip in comedy. My audience is, you know, not
young and young young audiences are going filling stadiums and

(43:02):
everything that for these comics, and that's just not my
time right now. That's I'm really shifting into more significant,
purpose filled material that has to do with you know,
workshops and things like that, and coaching where I get
to be funny, make people laugh and have them have

(43:23):
a magnetic pull to what I'm doing is I want
to form laugh mobs and movements to combat to this
negative energy, this anti love and love is the debase
of everything. When I teach it too, it's the first
step love what do you love, and embrace what that
love is and come with that energy. It's beautiful. That's

(43:45):
what propels me to keep going. So I do love her,
not in love with her. I'm certainly not in love
with what she's done. It's tough to one after another.
It's just like, are you serious? This is really you
once loved and brought children into the world, and we
met in this beautiful space and we just had shared

(44:07):
all these wonderful moments together and and this is really
what it comes down to. Huh, this is who you
want to represent yourself to be continually like it's you
haven't like hit a bottom on the theft and the deception.
It's just it continues to shock me. I know it shouldn't.
You're probably saying you're nuts, she's nuts, you know, whatever

(44:28):
you want to say. There's a part of me that
goes into denial. I've been in denomal whole life. It
can't be this way. The guy, the pedophile that kidnapped me,
he couldn't be. There's no way. This big guy who
played for the Bears at one time, and that big athlete,
he's a pedophile. No way, Just going to denial. All

(44:48):
these people, they're the local rec director in our town.
There's a pedophile, you know. Oh, going to denial. It's
what people do. We're going to denial. These people are
the abusive boy scout leader that abused me and then
he was he was the head of the All Star
team and kicked me off the All Star team for

(45:08):
no reason because I didn't have a dad to protect me.
He was a really bad guy. He's bullies and I
go into denial and that's part of the coping mechanism.
So I go into to denial with her. Oh, you know,
I give it. I put my heart out there again saying,

(45:31):
can you just tell me simple, just keep it out
of courts and everything else. I won't take you a court.
Just tell me, are you making more money than you
did when you wrote the documents to begin with? Where
I pay you? It's amazing to me. The law is like,
you can be really, she can do all the stuff
that she did, violence and you know, not honoring all

(45:54):
of it. You could do anything, cheating, lying, stealing, You
can do all those things, and the law is the
dude pays. Wow. Man, that's a rough one. And if
I say it, you're a misogynist. You're a sexist. Look,
I get why the laws are there because the men
at one time, that's what they did. They were dominant.

(46:15):
They were dominant even physically. That doesn't go on. It
goes on somewhat. Certainly didn't with me. She was physical,
and I think women are physical with guys, expecting them
not to hit back. I watched this video the other day.
I couldn't believe that this guy had had to hold back,
like I'm just looking, goh my god, she keeps hitting

(46:37):
him in the face. It was this video of somebody
was taking him as this motorcycle thing that was going
on in the street, and she was like in his
face and boom boom boom, pushing him violently. And I thought,
this video is gonna end with him cracking her in
the face and he's gonna be arrested. And that's another
message I want to put out there, ladies. Men should

(47:01):
be given more credit for not hitting, because we are
trained to hit. Lotus had spread a rumor than in
the same with my accents that I'm violent. I'm not violent.
I have hit back before. I remember one time I
was being hit in the face by someone, a woman,
and I reached over and baym I was like, get
off me, and I backhanded and my fist went right

(47:23):
into her eye. She got a black eye. Well you
know what's gonna happen there, But don't hit me in
the face. It's a big violation. Don't hit me in
the face. And that's the reaction. I'm not in a
loving spot when I'm being hit in the face. It's
really difficult, and I'm working really hard at not ever

(47:44):
responding like that. I shouldn't say I'm working hard. I've
worked so hard that I don't respond like that. It
was a long time ago, thirty years ago when I
did that. I regret. I remember that feeling of when
when I hit her in the eye. Oh my god,
I remember, Oh, please take that back. And then you

(48:07):
gotta go to I remember I was forced to go
to anger management and enters these guys and they're like
talking about wanting to hit Oh I hit an accident.
Some who my lip here with the food is on
my lip. It's been there the whole time. Maybe we
won't show the video here. So so I asked her

(48:34):
for this one thing. I also asked. I didn't want
to come with the usual. I say, this is typical
for you, that's what I do. This is typical and
all that kind of stuff. Oh my god, I'm just loving, loving, loving.
I say I love you every single time. She said
it back once and then she wouldn't do it. She

(48:58):
would not she will not tell me the truth. I'm
like kind of like hitting, like, hey, you don't think
you're lying enough or in this situation, you know, the
kids have angst and our son's not doing as well
in school, and you can't like step back and go
maybe I could do better. Nope, it's so dialed into

(49:21):
this selfishness taught to her by her guru. So she
hasn't responded in any way it would indicate that she
liked to do something different. She always threatens to say,
just give me patients. I'm working on my trauma. It's
just I know that it's another wellness grifter thing. You know,

(49:43):
they're going through tapping, whatever it is, even meditating, whatever
it is. She thinks that she goes down these paths
and it does not come back with a single shift.
It's all just more selfishness and more listening to herself.
Here's some quotes from Brook. She talks about I taught

(50:06):
a two hour workshop recently a group of moms on
how she capitalized. If I go loud, it means it's
capitalids how to shift these hard dynamics and bring harmony
back to you and your son. Her son wouldn't speak
to her for a year. Yeah, you do not need
to struggle alone. She's assuming everything she says about her life.

(50:26):
She assumes that other people I'm here for you. What
if they're not. She convinced Lotus, my ex wife. She
convinced her, you're not living a happy life. You're not
living a free life. You're gonna come with me, and
I'm gonna show you where the freedom is. Here's a
link if you desire to purchase this workshop and you

(50:47):
can watch it as many times you like. It's fifty
dollars will be delivered to your email instantly. Why why
are we? Why are we following you? What is your credential?
She keeps saying, I'm not educated and all that, she
just brags about all of it. Why are we following you?
Because because you have this great sex one minute and
then the next minute you're you're barren, and you know what,

(51:10):
we have to watch every single bit of you. That's
what she does, and that's what Lotus bought into. Lodus says,
I am pinching myself not because I ranked higher than
my mentor and soul sister, but because when she saw
my photo on top of her, she celebrated. She does
the capital thing too. They just copy this beauty of

(51:32):
being in a high vibe tribe where you are completely,
joyously honored and appreciated. Broke, thank you so much for
walking to talk and showing me where how I can
step into my greatness? Is it really greatness when you
abandon your family. When you absolutely put all of your
stock and will into this woman, Is that really your greatness?

(51:55):
Is that your great anybody talk to a guy today
is coming home as my guest. Next he was in
a cult, two different cults. You're just following the leader,
not stepping back and being your own self. You're not
being an individual. That's what she judge does. She follows
this leader and then and she posts about going to

(52:22):
their proposal and listen how funny this is. But I'll
comment to make it funny. So she said yes a
million exclamation points. I had the honor to witness one
of my best friend's brokes proposal. Her man Rundele flew
me up to take part of their proposal, celebrate their

(52:42):
engagement exclamation point. He invited several friends to come to
rock climbing Jim where he was to propose from the
top of the rock. You see how this goes. Proposals
are intimate. This woman can't do anything intimate. She can't
have a silent thought. This broke. Everybody has to celebrate celebration, celebration,

(53:06):
but she doesn't tell you about any of the other
negative stuff, like a son that wouldn't speak to her
for a whole year, and when he finally did, she
bragged about it. There's more posts about that. He needed
to come into his whatever the hell it is. It's
something justified and rationalized. That's what they do. They're rationalizing
and justifying actions that break things up a family where

(53:30):
you could absolutely commit and honor commitments and honor vows.
But no, it's all this stuff. Now Here comes the
justification A lotus can this is about me, by the way,
this is about me, constantly for the last few years,
saying she's a con, she's a fraud. You got to
get away, you gotta get away. There's no there's no

(53:53):
stats on her success. There's nothing. You're just believing it.
She take pictures of herself covered in money and bills.
They constantly vanity, vanity, vanity, look at me, look at me,
Look at me. Follow me, follow me, follow me. And
then she has engagement rings and hearts. That's the other thing.
A million emojis in these posts. They're just paragraphs and

(54:17):
paragraphs of pontificating about what a wonderful, wonderful life they have.
He invited several friends to come to the rock climbing
gym where he was to propose from the top of
the rock. He had that all planned out, didn't he.
We were to hide until she said yes, but we
nearly messed things up a couple times when he unsuspecting
broke turned around and we muffled our giggles and we

(54:39):
crouched down to hide it's children. We finally snuck up
the walkway to the top of the stairs, where we
watched the whole proposal happen. When she said yes, Rundell
prompted to turn around, and there she saw all of
us hooting and hollering from the balcony. Then she lowered
him down so he could get on his knee to
give her the ring. Sounds very romantic. He flew her in.

(55:04):
He flew in my ex wife for the proposal, and
as you heard before, his threats to me were protecting
her as that there's some sort of I don't know
what it is. I don't want to speculate, but let
you speculate. He called her his beloved. He flew these
people in or had them come in to witness this.

(55:31):
I never been a part of a proposal before. Well, lotus,
because most people don't propose like that, then don't fly
people in for a proposal, maybe a wedding. So fun
and excited, I wanted to post the photos immediately, but
then I had second thoughts. Here's where I come in.
You see, in the last year or two, I felt

(55:52):
the need to hide or minimize my friendship with them.
There were pretty dang awful stories spread about me and
these two beautiful souls. Were they awful or were they true?
If they're true stories and you're saying they're awful, well

(56:12):
what does that say. I've never said one single thing.
It's not the truth about them. It's true that there's
been no money made. It's true she asked you to
get a sovereign freedom and get out of your golden cage.
It's true that she's into BDSM. It's true she cheated
her husband. Truths. All these things are true, true, true.

(56:35):
But somebody that's in a cult, he's in denial and
doesn't want to admit the truth. And that's what she
fears the most. With me. She ran ran because I
would say, hey, what about this? What about this? Show
me the numbers. And it's true that I never saw
the numbers, even though I supported hundreds of thousands of
dollars out of my pocket from hard earned money, making

(56:56):
people laugh. I come on hand the checks, and that's
what happened. And so what is it? What is it?
What is it that that is untrue? That untrue narrative
affected me and my family deeply. So I retreated, mmm,
retreated into lies, retreated into secrecy, retreated into deception, retreated

(57:18):
into having houses that you rented that I didn't know
where they were when we were married. You were going
around telling people you needed a safe house. I ran
into the one guy that was I don't know if
I mentioned this the other day, but ran in over
at a party, and he really did have a different
energy about him. And my son is wise. Oh my god,

(57:42):
he's so wise. He goes, oh, yeah, he's depressed. My
son says this about him. Maybe he's depressed because it
was found out that this woman that he was told
me he doesn't like me and attacked me. And you know,
because I was texting him to say, hey, we just
got to stop. And and I think she turned on

(58:02):
him too, at least according to my son. So she
says in this post, I watched my internal process on
this visit, the pure joy of their engagement being clouded
by feeling I couldn't share it, pretending I wasn't there,
pretending I wasn't there. It could have been here and present,

(58:30):
and put something into that, put something into invest into
your marriage, into your family and your children, instead of
investing in this woman pure joy in their engagement. It's ridiculous.
When I hide, I allow the false narrative to win.

(58:52):
Does she understand what that really means? The hiding what
was going on all during the marriage, the cheating, the lying,
the running away, all the dishonesty, the moving money into
different accounts without my knowledge, going off to medicine journeys
and going on hallucinogenic medicine journeys, and with these two

(59:14):
probably having a threesome. I don't know, the hiding of
the BDSM or whatever it was. It's all hiding. Yeah,
you're hiding. You became a different person than I married,
and that the children knew. They tried to tell you
that many times, and you hid from them too. You're
not honest with them. You bullied them. She bullied these

(59:35):
kids when they tried to express themselves, and bullied them.
They go to therapy and she invades their therapy with
a video therapy stops. There's nothing that stops her. But
she's acting like this person that is a victim to
this having to hide. You don't have to hide. When

(59:57):
I came back from the road and I COVID and
knew that you weren't at the library, and I came
back and said, where were you when you spent six hours?
She spent six hours lying to my face and not
telling me where she was while we were married. That's hiding.
She's not ready to hear that. Now she's run off.
She's going off this weekend to Colorado for this another guy,

(01:00:24):
you know, who's fulfilling the needs and praising her. I'm
sure definitely not holding up a mirror. What I minimize
my relationship is I know what's true? Do you? Does
she know what's true? Does she know that it's true?

(01:00:45):
Or is it true for her that she justifies the behavior.
I want people to hear this. There's no one who's
in a cult that says they're in a cult. No one.
Whether it's a religious cult, whether it's a boy Scouts,
I don't care what it is. There's cults everywhere. They're everywhere.

(01:01:06):
The one thing I have in my life, the one
good thing it's ever happened to me. No cults. Never
been a joiner. Even in the fraternity, couldn't really get in.
I think I was sergeant of arms for a couple
of minutes. I don't know whatever, it was some easy job.
I've never been part of a cult. When I was
in the fraternity, it did not connect with me. I

(01:01:29):
was in it for the lower rent place to live,
some buddies to hang out with and drink with. No cults.
I encourage you to be on your own individual Let's
form our own Let's form our own gang mob movement,
laughter movement. Let's go have some fun. That's what I've started.

(01:01:51):
I have workshop coming up soon, another one. I've had
this enlightened up group for years and Facebook. Can we
exchange funny things we make people laugh? Next episode or
in the episode after I have my guests, I'm going
to read some more jokes that I wrote. She says,
I know what's true. The rumors can't hurt me if

(01:02:12):
I focus on the truth. I wonder what she does
focus on? On? What is the truth, what's perception of truth?
And what's the truth? The truth is it did these
things kidnapped the kids? Twice the middle of the night,
moved them out of the house, all them. All that
stuff is true, and I wonder if that's examined as
what the truth is, or is this perception of truth

(01:02:35):
that these are good people, These are good people, my friends,
my best friend, my soul sister, this person is it
really a soul sister or is it somebody that used
you and manipulated you. That's what I believe. Now, that's
not the truth. That is just a belief, and I

(01:02:56):
can't control what others decide to believe. Isn't a funny,
she says there after, I just said that I feel
so lucky and honored to be around these beautiful, generous, loving,
intelligent humans. Isn't that funny that She's even said in

(01:03:16):
text messages and other times that I'm generous, I'm loving,
I'm intelligent, and beautiful. But go to the strangers and
put it out on Facebook and social media that these
who you defined to be those things, not the man
who brought two children to the world with you. I

(01:03:39):
encourage anyone to take your focus away from somebody else
who you define as beautiful, because a lot of this
has to do with I believe my theory is just
another theory. I think that it's familiarity breeds contempt because
we do see the things in someone else we see me.

(01:04:00):
I get up in my ugly asses, goes naked to
the shower and she's looking at me. You know, I'm
not the hot you know, not as hot as the
guy she married, you know. I mean, you see these
flaws and people, but can you embrace the flaws? How
can you come from giant, gigantic love or are you
gonna run to the ones that only see your beauty,

(01:04:22):
only see your vanity posts? That's what she did. They
have so much integrity. They're making the world a better place.
It's funny we had a bond. We went to some
special things that the key to it was integrity. I
loved her integrity. Isn't it funny that this is the

(01:04:45):
post that she chooses to write about them. It's just
like criminals. They can just they just justify a murder
and the lie all the way. I heard there's a
statistic it's from social delomb I believe it is the
people who want to believe something, they will seek information

(01:05:07):
that feeds that belief. She seeks information about this woman
on this broke woman. She has to believe it, because
this is the woman that led to the demise of
her marriage, the breakup of her family, the sadness of
the kids. She knows it. Seventeen percent, that's the only

(01:05:27):
that's the smallest number of people, when they're shown the
actual evidence of something, can admit they were wrong. Weapons
of mass destruction. I remember my instinct was, they're not
coming for us. There's no weapons. There was this guy,
Hans Blicks, and Hans Blicks I remember, I recall that
he said there's no weapons, and they completely demoralized them,
to humanize them. They just attacked him. And they've got

(01:05:49):
all the money in the world to do it. And
I still know people that would not admit that there
were no weapons of mass destruction. They just just went away.
No one paid for it. Well here, there's no weapon
of mass destruction over here. But she tried to create

(01:06:10):
that with people. She tried to create me as an enemy,
and people will believe it, like the way you believe.
You believe people when you get behind them and you
tell there's no way. So I could show her so
much evidence, including what happened with Raven, I forgot to
mention what happened with Raven her first cult that this
broke brought her into. Raven got caught. Finally she got

(01:06:32):
five hundred thousand dollars she got from all of us,
and she did the same thing, just talked about herself
and all these theories. And she would just lie on
her bed, and all these women would just watch her,
you know. And here's the next plan and humiliate them
if they got out of the cult. She'd feel humiliated

(01:06:54):
if she got out. There's no way she can get
out now, well, maybe there is. Let's pray. Let's pray literally,
send beautiful, loving energy to her and get out of this.
This is what she thinks of these people making the
world a better place. My question would be, how are
they making the world a better place by sharing their

(01:07:19):
painful sex that they have the dominance, by sharing cheating
on your husband who loves you and is watching the
kids while you're in Australia on another adventure of doing
a dance in front of thousands of people for some reason,
there's just an ego reason. Is this how they're making
the world a better place? Hurting children? I heard, now,

(01:07:45):
this is the only thing I heard. I heard that
he beat up or a kid and what child services
is called? I don't know that case, But is this
really how do you know if you don't live when
there are three hundred miles away, how do you know
they're making a world a better place? I can guarantee
you that you know your husband, your ex husband's making
the world a better place because you're right there for it,
co creating that. But there was a choice to abandon that.

(01:08:08):
In abandoning it, is this The truth is a killer.
People who run from the truth, those are the ones
to beware. And you end up like this. I'm happy
seeing them committing to being married. Why wouldn't you commit
to being married? And this is the woman that asked
you to get out of your marriage. It said there

(01:08:29):
was something better out there, But she changes her mind
all the time on that. And I commit to being
unshakable in my truth, and she puts capital love wins
it does, It's going to win for me right now.
I'm not going to be shakeable. I am I get shaken,

(01:08:51):
you know, I like she's not responding again to some
things that I'm asking for, and I'm I have to
keep loving through it. And let's hope let's hoe. I'm
maybe next next episode she's gonna have one little mini
surrender and as a little bit towards the trust. Right now,
she's doing the other things. She's planning a birthday party

(01:09:12):
for our son, and I told her before I'd rather
do it together so we can be an example. But
I think she has a really hard time looking at
me because she knows, she knows, deep down, deep down,
what the real deal is. She runs off there Colorado
or goes and gets some kinky sex or whatever it

(01:09:34):
is that they're bragging about today. Yeah, Brooke posts about
when I got my divorce, he refused her son came
to my house for almost a year only and he
refused to talk to me. By the way, where were

(01:09:54):
those posts during the year. She's posting this because he's
finally talking to her. Where were those posts with honor?
And is that what you want? Lotus? Is that what
Lotus wants? Kids already already have issues with her, But
I will tell you this, and they do teach me
a lesson. They're in more acceptance than I am or

(01:10:16):
I have been. I'm in a lot more acceptance, but
they got to acceptance much faster than I did I
give them such credit? Oh my god, these courageous kids.
People feel sorry for them. I don't know that I can,
or I don't know that. I want you to, because
they're growing and shifting and they're amazing. I can't believe it.
The other two children I have, it's kind of like

(01:10:37):
the opposite. They went down this really rageful, angry road
and they just they followed mom in that anger. It's
just and again, love, it's the only answer. It's all
I can do. I'm down to that. I know that

(01:10:58):
for a fact. So as far as the doing things,
what are you gonna do about it? What are you
gonna do about it? I decided I have to commit
to that. I'm releasing her of things that I could
go to the court. EI. There's so many things I
could probably get custody based on this craziness. I probably could.

(01:11:21):
She knows I'm not down for that kind of fight.
She really does know deep down that this the character
that I've developed through all these years of my dad
and all the betrayal. Oh my god, betrayed, betrayed, betrayed.
But like somebody pointed out to me, my father left,

(01:11:42):
so I can know the father in me. That really
hit me, this father in me that wished to emerge.
That is there, this beautiful essence, this beautiful presence, this
beautiful man that I am, who can be mindful and

(01:12:03):
give gifts away. That I have the creativity, the connections,
the intelligence, the inspiration, I can give this away. I
thinks this motivates me to do this podcast. The podcast
has turned into what I didn't know what I was
going to turn into, and it's got some legs, which

(01:12:25):
is crazy. I just can't believe the stats. Hello, India,
I'm going to do a show over there. Funny my
first studies and Laughter Heels. I might have mentioned Laughter
Heels before, but I've founded it many years ago because
my best friend got One of my best friends got
brain cancer. They gave him three months to live, and
I did these laughter programs and lived fifteen years past

(01:12:46):
our prognosis. I probably mentioned I made him laugh on
his deathbed, but he did live fifteen years past that
three months. And in my studies I found it. India,
we start our day with coffee. I don't. I never
had a cup of coffee except when I was really
in ninth grade. I have bad memory. They jammed it
down my throat. They didn't know what to do with me,
but never had a cup since drank alcohol. Sense not

(01:13:08):
anymore though, But yeah, I learned so much in being
of service with this laughter heels that it. It just
led to this discovery and I discovered in India they

(01:13:34):
begin their day, we go with a false high of
coffee and caffeine and they have a high of laughter,
which inspired me to come up with guided laffidation and
chuckle chatter. These two programs I developed than we do
with our groups and my individuals. And this is my
calling and who knew it would come through something called

(01:13:57):
my wife joined a cult. I have no idea and
I have no idea it's going to end up. I
have no idea. Just let it go. All these are
just moment by moment by moment, by moment by moment
what comes up for me. And I know there's judgment
and I'm at the point where I finally don't care.

(01:14:20):
I'll respond to it. If something bothers you email me
DM ME Official Craig Shoemaker if you have concerns. I
know there's a ton of judgment over me even doing this.
They think it's something bad, but I would ask you this,

(01:14:45):
if someone you saw took a dive in their life,
whatever the addiction is, whatever the issues are, all of
a sudden, they're committing crimes, all of a sudden, they're
being being cruel, nasty, They're affecting children and hurting children.
Would you do something? Would you allow people in to

(01:15:06):
find help? Would you expose them? Or would you keep
it secret. We're only as sick as our secrets, and
I do not want to keep any secrets. I'm hoping
that some miracle occurs. I'm hoping that she sees the light.
I'm hoping some light shines inside of her again. I've
tried spiritual teachers. Her favorite teacher whose mine to this day,

(01:15:28):
we were seeing one another and by the way, I regret,
I would flip out because I would watch her shut
me down again. Who ever did it again, I wouldn't
do that. I've got to be self effacing, if self evaluative.
I've got to do that. I can't do this by
just some blame game. And you know, and I really

(01:15:48):
do hope you don't hear it as that there's going
to be people that do because it's a projection of
your own stuff that you're blaming and you're whining and complaining.
You're a Karen whatever it is, a Carl. That's what
we do. It's someone on Facebook just two different times.
Now you're angry, yeah, and all this kind of stuff.

(01:16:09):
We're going wow, and they're just it's just feel you
can feel their anger. They're misplaced rage. It's so much
going on in politics, just like attack the other. Don't
listen to a word they say. And if you're if
you're in with them, you're my enemy. What a terrible

(01:16:29):
way to live. I shouldn't be kind to her on paper.
I shouldn't be this loving to her on paper. And
that's the way we're going to live, you know. And
they're you're my enemy, you're my sworn I mean, she's
done things it would be a sworn enemy. So of
all these people, even the guy that kidnaped me, not
my enemy, because that would be true. Prison they do not.

(01:16:54):
Lotus doesn't hold the key, Broke doesn't hold the key
to my pros and on my prison, Rundle doesn't. Ben Rauscher,
who took me away for five days and kidnapped me, nobody.
Pete D Steve s from eighth grade don't have the
key all of these people who shamed, humiliated, beaten up,

(01:17:17):
all those things. You don't hold the key to my prison.
That would be my prison if I held on the resentment.
I forgive you, and I forgive me forever holding those resentments.
Next time I talked to him tonight, I saw a
guy on a podcast called soul Boom with Rain Wilson.
I love this podcast because it's doing what I intended

(01:17:41):
to do with my last podcast. I'm dropping the podcast.
I decided we have guests, and it's just it wasn't clicking.
People think a comedian, Oh, it's gonna be a funny
you know whatever. Whatever, it just wasn't. It just didn't connect.
I think this one is. So this is gonna be
the platform from now on. There'll be stuff that's not
about cults, maybe out something else, but hopefully you'll relate

(01:18:02):
to it. But it's about self discovery. It's about the journey.
Maybe there might be some good results from this. There
might be something where she comes around and says, I've
left I've left broke. I found out I discovered she's
a fraud. There's no question that she is a major
thief and fraud. This woman that she's following. I have
more things to read about her. They've got this podcast together.

(01:18:25):
Dear God, maybe I'm promoting their podcast. Maybe I'll maybe
she will make some money and I'll get paid this time.
So maybe next time we'll hear that she actually got
humble and said, yes, I'm making more money and you know,
lower my support. It makes no sense that I pay
support spousal support. What was that? What's that for? How

(01:18:45):
does that work? I don't understand how or how that operates.
She was never prevented from making money. She was encouraged supported.
I'm incredibly generous. I gave every single ounce of I
never bought things for myself. Did I tell you I
got a Porsche. Yeah, I got got a really cool Porsche.

(01:19:06):
And I belonged to a country club. I got a
big discount. But still when I pull up to the
country club, sometimes I go, this is little Craig Shoemaker.
Tonight I did it. Actually today I was pulled up
the country coming. Wow, this little Craig Shoemaker who was
like really humiliated on a golf course when you tried
to play when you were a kid and you showed
up in your grandfather's clubs and clothes and baseball cleats,

(01:19:27):
and it wouldn't let you put on the green because
it made holes because it was baseball cleats, not real
cleats for for golf and all that kind of stuff.
You know that all that all goes away. I'm now
a member, and that's not a brag. That's to say
I can get over all of it, and you can too,
no matter what. That's what I'm gonna end with. I'm

(01:19:49):
gonna end with hope, no matter what you go through,
if you can learn anything from my journey, no matter what,
there's a lack after joy, love, light, levity. That's the
true you that exists within you. It's a matter of
accessing it, cleaning things out, becoming aware, major awareness, willingness, openness, kindness,

(01:20:17):
divine love. And that's the freedom. These women talk about
freedom that they already have. That's what everything is about. Freedom. Mom,
is I have more things I could read? She talked
down my independence kept me from revealing my heart. Really

(01:20:39):
it took me fifty years, and gosh, I learned. I
wish I learned it sooner. That's what these are, all
the things that she keeps promoting and posting and just
are they true. I smell phony. I know it's phony,
and I know that what I have inside to me

(01:21:00):
is not. It's very real, raw, and I share it
to be of service to you as well as to
me and my family, because my kids do not have
a sick dad who keeps his secrets. I just watched
the Steve Martin documentary about his dad. He had a
lot of pain about his dad because his dad was

(01:21:22):
not revealing that. My kids off the opposite. They're gonna
be in therapy, go with my father, with you. I
love you, Oh my god. Oh I love my children
so much. The older ones, I'm gonna have to keep
keep them in prayer as well. If prayer scares you,

(01:21:43):
use another terminology when you hear it, I mean if
it kind of jolts you, and I know that it does.
It certainly did for me until I made it about
what resonated and worked for me. That became my truth.
And there's no The truth is there's nobody that's gonna
I'm not gonna empower a person, and it's this spirit.
If it's called spirits to his breath, so breathe that

(01:22:05):
in breathe that in breathing. You know, send energy if
you need to. I love being in this energy and
bathing in it. It truly is healing and I feel
it my last few days in the shower. That's where
I do my thinking, contemplating, meditating, whatever you want to
call it. I have had no defense. I have dialogue

(01:22:30):
that I put in my mind defense. I'm going to
say this. I want to say this. Never has it worked,
and it never will. However, I have seen countless times
miracles occur, like with my mom or grand acceptance, which
is God. It's allowing God to take over, not my ego,
which is edging God out. I call it evading growth opportunity.

(01:22:54):
I got an opportunity to grow. Maybe some things you
heard in here, be curious, ask me about it. So
if you're angry, try to try to transform that into
curiosity to find out more about yourself, or just go away,
just go find another podcast, go to kill Tony or whatever.
It's very funny, but it's also not in connection with me.

(01:23:17):
Oh I I'm in a comedian for years and just
I just don't jive with that. I don't jam with that.
I jam with really kind connection. And I hope you
do as well. All Right, I'll see you the next time.
We're gonna have a guest, so I'm on soul boom.

(01:23:39):
This guy's got I've known for years, the contact things
that I can't wait. Come on here, I'll see you
next time.