September 12, 2025 • 10 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The cheated Juliette extracted from the memoirs of a retired burglar.
The house in question was what Peter, the scholar who
corrects my proof sheets, caused one of the Ruonesbury sort,
the front facing a street, and the back looking over
a turfed garden with a lime tree or two, a labanum,
(00:20):
and a lawn tennis court marked out its white lines
playing to see in the starlight. At the end of
the garden, a door painted dark green led into a
narrow lane between high walls, where if two persons met,
one had to turned sideways to let the other pass.
The entrance to this lane was cut in two by
a wooden post about half the height of your hip,
(00:40):
and just beyond this in the high road, George was
waiting for us with the dog cart. We had picked
the usual time, the dinner hour. It had just turned dark,
and the church clock two streets away was chiming the
quarter after eight. When Peter and I let ourselves in
by the green door, I spoke of and felt along
the wall for the gardener's ladder that we knew was
hanging there. A simpler job there never was the bedroom
(01:03):
window we had marked on the first floor stood right
open to the night air, and inside there was the
light of a candle or two flickering, just as a
careless maid will leave them after her mistress has gone
down to dinner. To be sure there was a chance
of her coming back to put them out. But we
could hear her voice going in the servants hall as
we lifted the ladder and rested it against the sill.
She's good for half an hour, yet, Peter whispered, holding
(01:26):
the ladder while I began to climb. But if I
hear her voice stop, I'll give the signal to be cautious.
I went up softly, pushed my head gently above the
level of the seal, and looked in. It was a
roomy place, with a great half tested bed hung with
curtains standing out from the wall on my right. The
curtains were of chintz, a dark background with flaming red
(01:46):
poppies sprawling over it, and the further curtain hid the
dressing table and the candles upon it, and the jewel
case that I confidently hoped to stand upon it. Also,
her bright Brussels carpet covered the floor and the wallpaper.
I remember, though, for the life of me, I can't
tell why was a pale gray ground worked out to
imitate waded silk with sprigs of gilt honeysuckle upon it.
(02:07):
I looked round and listened for half a minute. The
house was still as death up here. Not a sound
in the room, were in the passages beyond. With a
nod to Peter to hold the ladder firm, I lifted
one leg over the sill, then the other. Dropped my
feet carefully upon the thick carpet, and went quickly round
the bed to the dressing table. But at the corner,
and as soon as ever I saw around the chintz curtain,
(02:29):
my knees gave way, and I put out a hand
toward the bed post before the dressing table, and in
front of the big glass in which she could see
my white face, was an old lady seated. She wore
a blaze of jewels and a low gown, out of
which rose the scraggiest neck and shoulders I ever looked upon.
Her hair was thick with black dye and fastened with
a diamond star. The powder between the two candles showed
(02:53):
her cheek bones like flour on a miller's coat, chin
on hands, she was gazing steadily into the mirror before her,
and even in my fright, I had time to note
a glass of sherry and a plate of rice and
curry stood at her elbow among the rouge pots and
powder puffs. While I stood stock still and pretty well
scared out of my wits. She rose, still staring at
(03:14):
my image in the glass, folded her hands modestly over
her bosom, and spoke in a deep tragical voice the prince.
Then facing sharply around, she held out her thin arms.
You have come at last. There wasn't much to say
to this except that I had, so, I confessed it.
Even with the candles behind her, I could see her
(03:34):
eyes glowing like a dog's and an uglier poor creature
this world could scarcely show, as the latter set against
the window. Since you seem to know, ma'am, said I
it is ah Romeo. Your cheeks are ruddy, your poppies
are too red. Then I am glad my colors come
back for to tell the truth, you did give me
(03:54):
a turn, just at first. You were looking out for me,
no doubt, my prince. She stretched out her arms again, and,
being pretty well at my WIT's end and let her
embrace me. It has been too long, she said, Oh,
the weary while, and they ill treat me here? Where
have you been all this tedious time? I wasn't going
(04:16):
to answer that, you may be sure. It appeared to
me that twas my right to ask questions rather than
stand there answering them. If they've been ill treating you,
ma'am said I, they shall answer for it, my love, Yes, ma'am.
Would it be taking a liberty if I asked their names?
There's Gertrude. Gertrude's hash is as good as settled, ma'am.
(04:38):
I checked off Gertrude on my thumb. That's my niece.
For a moment I feared I'd been a little too prompt,
but she went on. And next, there's Henry and the
children who have more than once made faces at me.
And Phipson. Phipson's in it too, You know her, don't I.
It surprised me a trifle to find that Phipson was female.
(05:01):
Three times to night she pulled my hair and the
rice she brought me. Look at it, all stuck together
and sodden. Phipson shall pay for it with her blood,
My hero, my darling. Don't spare Phibson, she screams bitterly
if a pin is stuck in her I did, at
once stick her all over with pins. By this time
(05:23):
I'd begun to guess what was pretty near the truth
that I was talking with a mad aunt of the
family below, and that the game was in my hands
if I played with decent care. So I brought her
to face the important question. Look here, I said, All
this shall be done when you are out of their hands.
At present, I'm running a considerable risk in braving these
prosecutors of Yawn, dearest madam, the latters outside, and the
(05:47):
carriage waiting. Hadn't we better? Elope? At once she gave
a sob and fell on my arms. Oh is it true?
Is it true? Pinch me that I may wake? If
this is but a happy dream? Are you ready this moment?
There's just one other little thing, ma'am. Your jewels. You
(06:07):
won't leave them to your enemies. I suppose this was
the dangerous moment, and I felt a twitch of the
nerse as I watched her face to see how she
would take the suggestion. But the poor silly soul turned
up her eyes to mine, all full of tears and confidence. Dearest,
I am old, old. Had you come earlier, my beauty
(06:28):
had not wanted jewels to set it off, But now
I must wear them to look my best as your bride.
She hid her face in her hands for a second,
then turned to the dressing table, lifted her jewel case
and put it into my hands. I am ready, she repeated.
Let us be quick and stealthy as death. She followed
(06:49):
me to the window, and looking out your back, what
horrible black deaths. It's as easy, said I as pye.
You could do it on your head. Look here. I
climbed out first and helped her, setting her feet on
the wrongs. We went down in silence, I choking with
laughter all the way at the sight of Peter below,
who was looking with his mouth open and his lips
(07:12):
too weak to meet on the curses of wonderment that
arose from the depths of him. When I touched the
turf and handed him the jewel case, he took it
like a man in a trance. We put the latter
back in its place and stole over the turf together,
But outside the garden door, Peter could stand no more
of it. I've a firearm in my pocket, whispered he
(07:33):
pulling up, and I'm going to fire it off to
relieve my feelings if you don't explain here and now,
who in Pity's name is she? You mug? She's the
original sleeping beauty. I'm eloping with her, and you've got
her jewels. Pardon me, jem, he says in his gentlemanly way,
if you don't quite see, are you taking off to
(07:54):
melt her or marry her? For how to get rid
of her else? The poor old c reacher had halted too,
three paces ahead of us, and waited while we whispered
with the moonlight that slanted down into the lane, whitening
her bare neck and flashing in her jewels. One moment,
I said, and stepped forward to her. You had better
(08:15):
take off those ornaments here, my dear, and give them
to my servant to take care of. There's a carriage
waiting for us at the end of the lane, and
when he has stoved them under the seat, we can
climb in and drive off to the end of the world,
to the very rim of it, my hero. She pulled
the gems from her ears, hair and bosom and handed
them to Peter, who received them with a bow. Next,
(08:37):
she searched her pocket and drew out a tiny key.
Peter unlocked the case, and, having carefully stowed the diamonds inside,
locked it again. Handed back the key, touched his hat,
and walked off towards the dog cart. My dearest lady,
I began as soon as we were alone between the
high walls. It's a devotion of a life. Her bare
arm crept into mind. There is a little time left
(09:00):
for us in which to be happy. Year after year,
I have marked off the almanac day by day, I
have watched the dial. I saw my sisters married, and
my sister's daughters, and still I waited. Each had a
man to love her and tend her. But none had
such a man as I would have chosen. There were
(09:23):
none like you, my prince. No I dare say not. Oh,
but my heart is not so old. Take my hand,
it is firm and strong. Touch my lips they up burning.
A low whistle sounded at the top of the lane.
As I took her hands, I pushed her back, and
turning ran for my life. I suppose that as I ran,
(09:46):
I counted forty before her scream came, and then the
sound of her feet pelt, and then the sound of
her feet pattering after me. She must have run like
a demon, for I was less than ten yards ahead
when pe To caught my wrist and pulled me up
on to the back seat of the dog cart. And
before George could set the horse going, her hand clutched
(10:07):
at the flap on which my feet rested. It missd
its grasp, and she never got near enough again. But
for half a minute I looked into that horrible face,
following us and working with silent rage, And for half
a mile at least I heard the patter of her
feet in the darkness behind. Indeed, I can hear it now.
(10:29):
End of I cheated Juliette by Que
The cheated Juliette extracted from the memoirs of a retired burglar.
The house in question was what Peter, the scholar who
corrects my proof sheets, caused one of the Ruonesbury sort,
the front facing a street, and the back looking over
a turfed garden with a lime tree or two, a labanum,
(00:20):
and a lawn tennis court marked out its white lines
playing to see in the starlight. At the end of
the garden, a door painted dark green led into a
narrow lane between high walls, where if two persons met,
one had to turned sideways to let the other pass.
The entrance to this lane was cut in two by
a wooden post about half the height of your hip,
(00:40):
and just beyond this in the high road, George was
waiting for us with the dog cart. We had picked
the usual time, the dinner hour. It had just turned dark,
and the church clock two streets away was chiming the
quarter after eight. When Peter and I let ourselves in
by the green door, I spoke of and felt along
the wall for the gardener's ladder that we knew was
hanging there. A simpler job there never was the bedroom
(01:03):
window we had marked on the first floor stood right
open to the night air, and inside there was the
light of a candle or two flickering, just as a
careless maid will leave them after her mistress has gone
down to dinner. To be sure there was a chance
of her coming back to put them out. But we
could hear her voice going in the servants hall as
we lifted the ladder and rested it against the sill.
She's good for half an hour, yet, Peter whispered, holding
(01:26):
the ladder while I began to climb. But if I
hear her voice stop, I'll give the signal to be cautious.
I went up softly, pushed my head gently above the
level of the seal, and looked in. It was a
roomy place, with a great half tested bed hung with
curtains standing out from the wall on my right. The
curtains were of chintz, a dark background with flaming red
(01:46):
poppies sprawling over it, and the further curtain hid the
dressing table and the candles upon it, and the jewel
case that I confidently hoped to stand upon it. Also,
her bright Brussels carpet covered the floor and the wallpaper.
I remember, though, for the life of me, I can't
tell why was a pale gray ground worked out to
imitate waded silk with sprigs of gilt honeysuckle upon it.
(02:07):
I looked round and listened for half a minute. The
house was still as death up here. Not a sound
in the room, were in the passages beyond. With a
nod to Peter to hold the ladder firm, I lifted
one leg over the sill, then the other. Dropped my
feet carefully upon the thick carpet, and went quickly round
the bed to the dressing table. But at the corner,
and as soon as ever I saw around the chintz curtain,
(02:29):
my knees gave way, and I put out a hand
toward the bed post before the dressing table, and in
front of the big glass in which she could see
my white face, was an old lady seated. She wore
a blaze of jewels and a low gown, out of
which rose the scraggiest neck and shoulders I ever looked upon.
Her hair was thick with black dye and fastened with
a diamond star. The powder between the two candles showed
(02:53):
her cheek bones like flour on a miller's coat, chin
on hands, she was gazing steadily into the mirror before her,
and even in my fright, I had time to note
a glass of sherry and a plate of rice and
curry stood at her elbow among the rouge pots and
powder puffs. While I stood stock still and pretty well
scared out of my wits. She rose, still staring at
(03:14):
my image in the glass, folded her hands modestly over
her bosom, and spoke in a deep tragical voice the prince.
Then facing sharply around, she held out her thin arms.
You have come at last. There wasn't much to say
to this except that I had, so, I confessed it.
Even with the candles behind her, I could see her
(03:34):
eyes glowing like a dog's and an uglier poor creature
this world could scarcely show, as the latter set against
the window. Since you seem to know, ma'am, said I
it is ah Romeo. Your cheeks are ruddy, your poppies
are too red. Then I am glad my colors come
back for to tell the truth, you did give me
(03:54):
a turn, just at first. You were looking out for me,
no doubt, my prince. She stretched out her arms again, and,
being pretty well at my WIT's end and let her
embrace me. It has been too long, she said, Oh,
the weary while, and they ill treat me here? Where
have you been all this tedious time? I wasn't going
(04:16):
to answer that, you may be sure. It appeared to
me that twas my right to ask questions rather than
stand there answering them. If they've been ill treating you,
ma'am said I, they shall answer for it, my love, Yes, ma'am.
Would it be taking a liberty if I asked their names?
There's Gertrude. Gertrude's hash is as good as settled, ma'am.
(04:38):
I checked off Gertrude on my thumb. That's my niece.
For a moment I feared I'd been a little too prompt,
but she went on. And next, there's Henry and the
children who have more than once made faces at me.
And Phipson. Phipson's in it too, You know her, don't I.
It surprised me a trifle to find that Phipson was female.
(05:01):
Three times to night she pulled my hair and the
rice she brought me. Look at it, all stuck together
and sodden. Phipson shall pay for it with her blood,
My hero, my darling. Don't spare Phibson, she screams bitterly
if a pin is stuck in her I did, at
once stick her all over with pins. By this time
(05:23):
I'd begun to guess what was pretty near the truth
that I was talking with a mad aunt of the
family below, and that the game was in my hands
if I played with decent care. So I brought her
to face the important question. Look here, I said, All
this shall be done when you are out of their hands.
At present, I'm running a considerable risk in braving these
prosecutors of Yawn, dearest madam, the latters outside, and the
(05:47):
carriage waiting. Hadn't we better? Elope? At once she gave
a sob and fell on my arms. Oh is it true?
Is it true? Pinch me that I may wake? If
this is but a happy dream? Are you ready this moment?
There's just one other little thing, ma'am. Your jewels. You
(06:07):
won't leave them to your enemies. I suppose this was
the dangerous moment, and I felt a twitch of the
nerse as I watched her face to see how she
would take the suggestion. But the poor silly soul turned
up her eyes to mine, all full of tears and confidence. Dearest,
I am old, old. Had you come earlier, my beauty
(06:28):
had not wanted jewels to set it off, But now
I must wear them to look my best as your bride.
She hid her face in her hands for a second,
then turned to the dressing table, lifted her jewel case
and put it into my hands. I am ready, she repeated.
Let us be quick and stealthy as death. She followed
(06:49):
me to the window, and looking out your back, what
horrible black deaths. It's as easy, said I as pye.
You could do it on your head. Look here. I
climbed out first and helped her, setting her feet on
the wrongs. We went down in silence, I choking with
laughter all the way at the sight of Peter below,
who was looking with his mouth open and his lips
(07:12):
too weak to meet on the curses of wonderment that
arose from the depths of him. When I touched the
turf and handed him the jewel case, he took it
like a man in a trance. We put the latter
back in its place and stole over the turf together,
But outside the garden door, Peter could stand no more
of it. I've a firearm in my pocket, whispered he
(07:33):
pulling up, and I'm going to fire it off to
relieve my feelings if you don't explain here and now,
who in Pity's name is she? You mug? She's the
original sleeping beauty. I'm eloping with her, and you've got
her jewels. Pardon me, jem, he says in his gentlemanly way,
if you don't quite see, are you taking off to
(07:54):
melt her or marry her? For how to get rid
of her else? The poor old c reacher had halted too,
three paces ahead of us, and waited while we whispered
with the moonlight that slanted down into the lane, whitening
her bare neck and flashing in her jewels. One moment,
I said, and stepped forward to her. You had better
(08:15):
take off those ornaments here, my dear, and give them
to my servant to take care of. There's a carriage
waiting for us at the end of the lane, and
when he has stoved them under the seat, we can
climb in and drive off to the end of the world,
to the very rim of it, my hero. She pulled
the gems from her ears, hair and bosom and handed
them to Peter, who received them with a bow. Next,
(08:37):
she searched her pocket and drew out a tiny key.
Peter unlocked the case, and, having carefully stowed the diamonds inside,
locked it again. Handed back the key, touched his hat,
and walked off towards the dog cart. My dearest lady,
I began as soon as we were alone between the
high walls. It's a devotion of a life. Her bare
arm crept into mind. There is a little time left
(09:00):
for us in which to be happy. Year after year,
I have marked off the almanac day by day, I
have watched the dial. I saw my sisters married, and
my sister's daughters, and still I waited. Each had a
man to love her and tend her. But none had
such a man as I would have chosen. There were
(09:23):
none like you, my prince. No I dare say not. Oh,
but my heart is not so old. Take my hand,
it is firm and strong. Touch my lips they up burning.
A low whistle sounded at the top of the lane.
As I took her hands, I pushed her back, and
turning ran for my life. I suppose that as I ran,
(09:46):
I counted forty before her scream came, and then the
sound of her feet pelt, and then the sound of
her feet pattering after me. She must have run like
a demon, for I was less than ten yards ahead
when pe To caught my wrist and pulled me up
on to the back seat of the dog cart. And
before George could set the horse going, her hand clutched
(10:07):
at the flap on which my feet rested. It missd
its grasp, and she never got near enough again. But
for half a minute I looked into that horrible face,
following us and working with silent rage, And for half
a mile at least I heard the patter of her
feet in the darkness behind. Indeed, I can hear it now.
(10:29):
End of I cheated Juliette by Que
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