March 28, 2025 • 25 mins
Get ready for a wild ride with Opie as he brings you the funniest moments from the Opie Radio podcast! This episode is packed with quick, gut-busting clips featuring Food Network legend Carl Ruiz, comedian Theo Von, Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta, and radio icon Mike Calta. From dating older women and cashing in on your poop to barking dogs, rogue hair, and the Naked Cowboy, no topic is off-limits. Tune in for hilarious takes on global warming, karma, second families, bad marriages, and more—guaranteed to leave you laughing!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's me and Carl Ruez, the Cuban.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You got carried away? How do you thought those guys
might jump us?
Speaker 3 (00:05):
I already had a whole plan. Did you hear my plan?
It was awesome.
Speaker 4 (00:08):
They were going over the railing, throwing out free elbows,
thrown out lefts like their nickels.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
I loved your plan until you realize they were just
high school kids minding their own business.
Speaker 4 (00:17):
And then I said, I just over reacted. Open, Let's
just wrap this up. Nothing's gonna happen here.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Were you stereotyping a little bit?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Well, why else would I come up with a fight plan.
You gotta know what you're dealing with, know your opponent.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Of course.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
That Bok Shang show Art of War or something.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Yes, yes, that's a great book.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Oh it's the best. My wife must have read that.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
How long do radio? How long do like DJs live?
Like radio guys? Is there like a time.
Speaker 5 (00:44):
Like like forty?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Like dwarf like football players? Like you get the restaurant
that fails.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And past forty is gonna be all right if you
make your past forty?
Speaker 5 (00:52):
Okay, I know a lot of radio guys that died young.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yeah, that's what I wondered, just popped into my head.
Speaker 5 (00:58):
But the drugs will do with you didn't.
Speaker 6 (00:59):
I didn't get any of the I was out really
when the cocaine stopped getting delivered to the radio station
music radio guys die young because they all they coked
from their from their twenties.
Speaker 5 (01:08):
On their hearts just exploded. I never got that right
before they turned forty.
Speaker 6 (01:12):
I just got free meals, which is probably gonna have
the same effect eventually.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
My problem is I attach issues to the people that
bring them to me, and the people that come to
talk to me about global warming.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I don't like the person.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Maybe he's right, maybe we are dying, but I hate
the person that's telling me.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Can I call doctor Steve about the poop thing?
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Call doctor I got a question doctor Steve too.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
I want to understand you have any medical issues there, Mike.
Speaker 5 (01:34):
No, I'm pretty good.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I mean growing on your body you want to know
about or anything.
Speaker 6 (01:38):
If you want to give me a test or anything,
I'll take it. But I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
He used to come up. He used to come up
and do that for us.
Speaker 5 (01:45):
He did to you.
Speaker 7 (01:45):
I got to ask him. No, homeless guys, I mean,
if you're gonna do it with the bit. You gotta
do the bit right.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Yeah, scientists have proven that global warming is real, and
so I'm going to go with what they think.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Scientists are nerves and they don't get any girls, so
they're a skewed.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Their opinions are skewed.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
No, that's why their opinions are everything. They can focus.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
They can focus all their.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Time on figuring out if it's if we have global
warming or not.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
You're one hundred percent wrong?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
How am I one hundred percent wrong?
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Nerds?
Speaker 4 (02:15):
What they're doing is they're they're upset that they're not
getting girls, so they come up with all these plans
so they ruin the cool guys day, like now we
gotta worry and this and that, and girls are all upset.
It's a way that nerds get girls. That's what computers are.
You ever go to Silicon Valley? Those nerds got the
hottest girls.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
No, they don't.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
And I'm gonna prove you wrong, Carl, because you do
have great street knowledge and I've learned a lot from you.
But let's do a little simple test right now. What
was your hobby growing up?
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Girls?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Before girls? That's the punchline you sign up.
Speaker 8 (02:47):
A pitch and waiting for girls their hair on the ears,
Like why now am I getting hair?
Speaker 6 (02:53):
Why do you need it? And you don't And if
you don't have a good friend to tell you, you
don't see it. My poor father in law, he's my
father in law, so I don't feel like but I
go to my brother in laws, I'm like, how the
fuck you're not telling him? He's got a bush growing
out of his ear. You can't tell him, but you can,
Like I would tell my father.
Speaker 9 (03:09):
I'd be like we told our stepdad they moved to Arizona.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
First took my mother to Arizona.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Bro.
Speaker 9 (03:17):
We wanted to we wanted to do like just number
four over his eyebrows.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Bro, his eyebrows were like getting the note like his ears.
That was insane.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Every boy had a hobby that they were really really
into and obsessed about, and then when those hormones hit
and you discovered girls, it was all over right. Scientists
never discovered girls.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Those people can't be trusted.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
They can absolutely be trusted.
Speaker 4 (03:46):
Have you ever watched every movie the villains, the really
bad ones like doctor Schabego or whatever the hell?
Speaker 3 (03:52):
They didn't get any girls. That's why they were killing everybody.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
We're not going to get anywhere. My point is because
they never got the girls. They had a lot more
time to think about real ship happening in the world.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
Could they had a lot more time to screw the
guys that were getting girls over?
Speaker 3 (04:07):
That's what the how did you just I's had thirteen?
What is a bike highway? I hate this city.
Speaker 7 (04:22):
That was a bad day the first time the haircutter
that went and just sniffed some eyebrows. And then it
fuck because you can make it well into your twenties
without them even touching that ship, and one day they
broke out the scissors.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
And went snip, and it's never been the same.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Shit trimmed downell. I got to do something about it,
all right, Yeah, he said, straight up.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
It's out of control.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
For what for you? For the eyebrows?
Speaker 5 (04:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (04:46):
Fine, I just had them done that guy.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
First of all, I pulled the Bob Kelly on you.
Bob Kelly used to do that to me all the
time on the streets in New York. He would just
grab you at a crosswalk and go watch out, and
you would jump out of your skin, and then he
would point at you and laugh in front of everybody.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
I just did that to you.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
But then a bike came flying through and did you
hear that car horn that was on his bike?
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Dude, that guy's like super Mexican.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
You almost got run over by a bike. That would
have been a wonderful podcast. It would have been our
shortest podcast, but we would have got a lot of
downloads me getting killed by a bike, and it took
us out of that dumb scientist argument.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
I'm totally right about the scientists. Yeah.
Speaker 8 (05:27):
I go to the old man and he said to me.
First thing, I knew the guy was gonna be great
because he's crazy. First thing he says to me, he
puts his finger on my forehead and he goes, second
cousin married Bruce Willis, what all right?
Speaker 1 (05:41):
The guy was out of his mind.
Speaker 8 (05:42):
But he buzzed my head, shaved the beard, trimmed it up,
and then he said, yo, you gotta do something about
their hair on the ears.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
And I'm like, I didn't, you know, think.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
About the second cousin of Bruce Willis.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I said, I said, yeah, I said, you're gonna tell me.
Speaker 5 (05:54):
He goes, no, that's it.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
That's what makes him cool.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yeah, all right, So we got our beers. We are
now sitting out on the Hudson River, actually, me and Carl,
and uh, it's a It's a wonderful afternoon, isn't it. Carl.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
There's a dog that doesn't stop yelping. I'm gonna kill
the dog.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Not happy. I'm not happy with this dog.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
You're already rolling your eyes. You're like, oh.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Great, Yeah, you and your dog. That's great.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Don't worry about everybody else sitting out here trying to
enjoy a wonderful afternoon. Oh boy, it's whining. It's ready
to yelp again. It's gearing up.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
I can't stop laughing.
Speaker 9 (06:42):
Annoyed.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Entitled Opie is my favorite.
Speaker 5 (06:46):
We're calling doct to see right now. Were you to Jamie?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
No, I was just.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Joking about that. I gotta, you know what I gotta.
I got a question.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
I'm not entitled. This is clash of the entitles. Down here,
like and Upper west Side. We're on the water. They're
drinking a nine.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Dollars bottle of rose they paid seven thousand dollars for.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
But in this moment, I'm just a regular person annoyed
by someone's dog because they don't give a fuck about anyone.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
You hear me, I'm gonna start smoking.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Oh, she'll jump right up and be bothered by you
smoking a cigarette, ignoring the fact that her dog is
driving everyone nuts down here.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
That's so funny.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
Yeahs he had two family. He's always on the road.
Else I heard allegedly Jimmy Hart.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Real he ww eight.
Speaker 6 (07:39):
Yeah, because he's in Tampa. He lives in Tampa. But no,
and he and he was in Memphis because he started
Memphis wrestling. And supposedly there's a Memphis family and a
Tampa family.
Speaker 5 (07:48):
That's what I've heard. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
And you just go back and forth, and neither family knows.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
That's all. I think. The second family always knows about
the first family.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (07:54):
Yeah, it's hard to keep it quiet when you get
that megaphone.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Anyway, we're at the Hudson River. Sully landed his plane
right out here. Carl Little History.
Speaker 4 (08:07):
Good old Sully Sullenberger. The Jersey the Jersey Fairies came
and helped him out.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Well, how about this. My wife saw the entire thing
go down.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
You told me the story. It was awesome story.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Well, I want to tell it for the podcast. Can
you make believe you never heard the story. Then I
tell the story and you and you'd throw in a
couple like wows and then stood again.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Good.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
You know my wife was an eyewitness to that whole
Sully thing.
Speaker 4 (08:30):
I know she told me the story. Sorry, I'm salty
because of the dog.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
No.
Speaker 6 (08:41):
I would be happy if I had a kid shot
up at my door like a son and he was like,
I'm your I'm your.
Speaker 5 (08:46):
Son like that.
Speaker 6 (08:46):
I didn't know, not that I make you happy. Only
if he was like older than my marriage.
Speaker 7 (08:50):
I would be pissed because I'm like, I bet you
the mom fucking raised him bad.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
I didn't even get a chance. Yeah, that's what I
would be thinking.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Fallow that and just take him to a couple of launches. Bro, what.
Speaker 9 (09:03):
Man, you can't take in to the garbage dump like
your dad. Burn a little plastic, have a little cookout
with your boy.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
I think they were going, okay, great, bark your goddamn
head off.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
I can't. I can't. Oh God, let me take my
rings and my jewelry off.
Speaker 7 (09:27):
If a teenage kid comes to your front door looks
just like you, yeah, you're like, what the fuck if
your bum dad all those years went by, and then
you wonder if he was raised.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Right, I'd be a little bit hurt, but you know what,
I would take him in.
Speaker 9 (09:37):
And I'm gonna say this honestly right now, if I
got a son out there, because I've been in and
out of a lot of freaking trim out there places,
some things outside of Pittsburgh that occurred, and I just
want to tell my son, I love you, man, And
if you if you're looking for me, you need me, man,
I'm right.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
Here for you.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Don't be afraid to come and approach your father.
Speaker 6 (09:55):
Can I and my son? If you're listening, If you're
under thirteen, don't fucking come around my.
Speaker 5 (10:01):
Marriage seventeen or older. I'll take you.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
I'll love you.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
I'll get your bedroom somewhere.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
An eleven year old boy just breaks down tears.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
Children are just given carte blanche because their children, and
that's why they stay children. Because if I knew that
at twelve I can get away with everything, I'd stay
twelve because that was a good that was a good
look for me, right, And that's what happens. That's there's
so many man adults like like baby adults walking around
with this little entitlement.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
It's from how growing them up.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Like I see these young kids, like every time I
punched this a new kid in the face, you could
tell their face. They're like, I didn't think that was
gonna happen. I'm like, yes, it did happen.
Speaker 5 (10:40):
Doctor Steve.
Speaker 7 (10:41):
We got Jamie jastin studio and he's talking about donating
your poop for money. Forty dollars or load. Right, Jamie, yep,
you know anything about this?
Speaker 10 (10:48):
Yeah, it's sort of like the goose that laid the
golden eggs. Wow, if you've got clean fecal matter, yeah
you can. You can donate for transplant.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Well what deems it to be clean?
Speaker 10 (11:02):
Well, not having hepatitis A would help.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
These kids today. They truly believe they will never get
hit that I think that might be a problem.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
So I was at a bar not far from here
last year and I was on a tear and there
was a kid no more than twenty two years old,
my size, a little maybe a little bit bigger. I
don't pick fights. Some people are gonna rip my head off,
you know what I mean. And he's making fun of me.
He's making fun of me because I'm on the phone
and I don't know how to spell, so I'm spell.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
I'm speaking out the text messages.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
And if you've seen my text messages, they're they're very vulgar, right.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
And very uncomfortable because I'm like, ah, why would he
spell that word that way?
Speaker 3 (11:39):
All right?
Speaker 4 (11:40):
Exactly, So the kid is mocking me, and I could
see it, and I just about had it, and I'm
like five gym beams in.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
I get it from my bar stool. He's sitting there.
Speaker 4 (11:52):
He puts his head down and I punch him as
hard as I can on the side of his head.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
He gets up from the stool, stumbles. Now he looks
at me. His friend's like, now, man, what's that all about?
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Man?
Speaker 4 (12:04):
And I just look at him. The kid just starts crying.
He's never been touched. I took his virginity. That's a
beautiful story.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
And he just started crying.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
And I was like, I gotta get out of here
because I just punched it in the face.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Because now it's going to be your your problem. In
the old days, when you you acted up and someone
punching you in the face, you you fought back and
you learn your lesson. And he didn't get authorities involved.
Most In most cases these kids today though, sorry, now
you got me going anything like that, and they're they're
immediately on their phone calling the cops.
Speaker 10 (12:35):
Best place to get those bacterias from other people's turns?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Is this an assassin's creed plot?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
I like her?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
I think you like Asian?
Speaker 5 (12:46):
Huh?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
I do, because so far you've been looking at nothing
but the Asian girls.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Well they're so nice and they age very slowly.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
What do they do with the poop to get it
ready for transplant?
Speaker 7 (13:03):
Oh?
Speaker 10 (13:04):
You you you know? You dump it in a bucket
and yeah, a little uh fluid to it and then
you uh give it back into the person through an
element ba.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
Do you taste it like you're cooking? Like it needs
a little fluid.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
He came to me and said, I can't hire this
fucking guy. He lied on his resume, and I go,
who cares, it's a little lie. I forgot what the
lie was, but it was really a little lot.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Is weight or height?
Speaker 5 (13:33):
Doc?
Speaker 6 (13:33):
I'm a pretty good public shooter, Like I don't mind
going in restaurants and where.
Speaker 5 (13:37):
Me and you games anywhere. I don't give off, but
I leave bathroom. If I have this ship, I'll go anywhere.
Speaker 10 (13:43):
So we'll do it on the beach.
Speaker 5 (13:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (13:45):
I left Saturday from Tampa, and my body knows when
I'm not in my own environment. I don't really get
constipated because I don't like have stomach pains or anything.
But if my body just won't ship when I'm in
another state until it gets acclimated, what is what?
Speaker 5 (13:58):
How does it know?
Speaker 10 (13:59):
Dude who knows?
Speaker 5 (14:00):
It's amazing.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
You should know, you're.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Honestly, and this is gonna shock a lot of people.
I don't really, I don't really. I don't really read.
I don't really read. Isn't that obvious?
Speaker 3 (14:21):
You look at the picture books the ship cycle.
Speaker 8 (14:25):
You ever notice that, like when you're with a dude,
you all of a sudden you're on the same ship,
Like this motherfucker's got a ship at the same time
as me.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Like periods when you're on the road were sacking up.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, the ship cycle, Like when you're on the road
with you that no idea about that.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
And then you know, in the middle of the.
Speaker 8 (14:37):
Night you stop at like a rest area, and then
you stopped at her rest. There's dudes, Like there's a
lot of dudes on the road that they know the
ship before you get on the bus, like I'm gonna
get this done at night like this. We call them
night poopers and they get it done.
Speaker 5 (14:49):
But then you have like.
Speaker 8 (14:50):
Occasionally like dudes where you're always like this fool's in
the stall again. Yeah, at the same.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Time, who's pre med?
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Is that real?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Doctor Steve? A ship cycle?
Speaker 10 (14:58):
Yeah? That's uh, that would be new science.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Do you believe in karma?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
I do, but not like how people say you do,
one bad thing, a horrendous, horrible bad thing's gonna happen
to you.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
I create karma, Like if someone screws me, I go
after them. Don't you think that's more effective than letting
the chakra beads and nature and sea turtles.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Decide if this guy's gonna get his head chopped off?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Well, but I don't think that's actually uh karma. I
mean that's like that's like eye for an eye.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
Shit, Well that's real karma.
Speaker 8 (15:29):
What about the ear hair, doctor Steve? Why are we
growing hair on our ears?
Speaker 3 (15:32):
That's great?
Speaker 10 (15:34):
Yeah that's crazy.
Speaker 5 (15:35):
Yeah, why the.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Only get why do you get more hair all over
your front body?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
And what about hair on the shaft? Like why does
it got to go up? There like just stay where
it was horrendous.
Speaker 10 (15:43):
The thing is is that evolution doesn't care about those things, right,
So the things that are gross to us when we
get older, well, hell, we used to die when we
were twenty thirty.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Years man, it wasn't a problem.
Speaker 10 (15:55):
So these are all things that evolution isn't selecting.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Again, I agree with you. These are pieces of joy, brother,
and a lot of these stretching.
Speaker 7 (16:02):
Out your fucking peace and and shaving it down, waving
down the shed.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Why would you need the hair that far up to
and why now?
Speaker 9 (16:09):
Because your beans gets longer over time, so the hair
is to keep it warm, So it's reaching out for.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
That yours does. We're irish.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Hey, I'm not in your boat there, brother, all right,
you talk about.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Your own we went wrong today.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Karma is gonna get you. But I believe karma is
more your overall life, not just not just one particular incident.
It's how you handle yourself in life. And and that's
to me, you know, real karma.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I have a very black and white look on the world.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
Right, If you make bad decisions, bad things happen.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
If you make that's karma.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
No, that's making a good decision. And good things happening.
If I hang out with a bunch of people with guns,
I'm gonna get shot.
Speaker 9 (16:54):
I just feel like it's just we're just we're selling
ship and a doctor, your poop.
Speaker 5 (17:01):
We married off donate our shit. We're all too well off.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
To Yeah, what about a mixed bag? How much for
a mixed bag?
Speaker 3 (17:07):
You know, dude, I.
Speaker 7 (17:07):
Want to be an uber driver now. I want to
fucking donate some poop just.
Speaker 10 (17:11):
For the experience walking around money.
Speaker 7 (17:13):
People think I'm I did it for the rate. I
really want to try to uber a little bit.
Speaker 8 (17:17):
That's why when you see people that are like, oh,
I can't get a job, isn't that motherfucker?
Speaker 1 (17:21):
People are selling their shit right.
Speaker 4 (17:23):
A friend of my brothers, I'm a super nerd. I
told him I was getting married. He told me, how
old are you? I told my age. He asked me
questions about Marie. He was an actuary or something for
the US Treasury.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Super smart, im I t guy. He asked me all
the questions. How old is she? The Senate?
Speaker 4 (17:41):
He says, okay, goes on his little internet thing. He goes,
I'm going to give you a scenario. I said, okay.
He said you're marrying this girl. You know, no money,
bad credit, this that we got all these problems. Both
of you got different issues.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
He says.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
If I told you you you.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
Had a sixty six point five percent chance of getting
shot if you walk down Avenue A, but you had
a zero percent chance of getting shot if you walk
down Avenue B.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Which avenue would you walk down? He goes, I would go, well,
be zero percent? He goes, well, your marriage is.
Speaker 7 (18:20):
A oh wow, you know about the time square go dudes, right, oh, yeah,
they're scared.
Speaker 8 (18:27):
When I worked at MTV two, this guy came in
the naked cowboy Yeah, and they're go, oh, what's your
real name? Can we call you Rellion? No, no, call
me naked. And he said that the Dave Grohl and
Dave was like I had I had him all one.
It was bad when he had him all one?
Speaker 5 (18:42):
How bad was it? I hated him, To be honest,
I did not like but you would not booked on effort.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
Actually, I think since I turned twenty two.
Speaker 4 (18:52):
I never dated a girl under forty. When I was
in California, I was dating a girl that was fifty seven.
That's kind of a turn on older girls. So they
know what they want that there's no like, Oh, let's
go watch a movie that no one's gonna like, like
a French movie with someth No, They're like, you want
to go home and watch Martha you know, or whatever
that show is, Will and Grace and eat ice cream.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
I'm like, yes, I fucking do. I got pretzels in
the car, you know. So get to your house.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
We go through all the procedures, everything sign sealed, delivered.
We're all good, right, and wake up the next morning
and I have to get to work to the restaurant
that I'm working for in in Sonoma.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
And she's like, just go in the garage and take
the convertible. The keys are in it. And it was
a nineteen ninety not known No. No.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Two thousand and four, two thousand and three, six hundred
SL convertible. And I show up to work and I
was like, Yo, Carl is straight up chick sugar Daddy
bro does not play.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Carl has been in California.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
For four days. He has a six hundred SL. And
I just loved a luxury of older women. They're so luxurious,
like they go with the flow.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Nothing bothers them.
Speaker 4 (20:05):
They're not worried about a rash or a couple of
pimples here and there they bang it out.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
When you said luxury, I was thinking, leather skin.
Speaker 5 (20:14):
You a piece of shit.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
You know.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
Exactly why people don't like you.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
He said luxury, and you were talking cars. I was
thinking leather interior.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Oh what do you even say?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
So he said leather skin.
Speaker 9 (20:29):
He's a good guy actually, Like you know, he's out
here with his Family's got three children. They all look
like him, which is nice these days, you know, and
he's taking Yeah. But I think these days it's nice
to see that stiff, the.
Speaker 7 (20:44):
Dad, because dad was having a good time in the
radio and the kids wanted out.
Speaker 9 (20:47):
The buzzy's in here talking about masturbation up in Buffalo
and skeating out in the winter, and his wife's sitting
over here, all quiet and peaceful.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
You know.
Speaker 9 (20:54):
That's Trump's America, dude.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
That's how we're living these days.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Locker room talk.
Speaker 4 (20:59):
I always plan for the worst, except once my marriage.
That's the only time I was melancholy, and everyone around
me is like, dude, But they.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Were telling you the little I know about that, well,
I'm well, I don't know what you want to like, say, so,
I'll follow your lead, but it sounds like a lot
of your the people around you were kind of warning
you before you even.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Got into it. I looked I looked like an F.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Sixteen taking off of an aircraft carrier. Everyone's waving flags.
I'm like, I got this and I got hit with
a missile like two feet off the plane.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
They're like, God, he's dumb. You know what I mean.
That's what love does to you. It just makes you dumb.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
I've got a great story of buddy you.
Speaker 9 (21:36):
This kid down the street actually used to make me
bury a feces when I was a child, to hang
out with them.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Why And You're like, that's forty pop now. I said
that was part of a club.
Speaker 9 (21:47):
You were, yeah, it's the only way I can hang
out with them. With this kid, you haven't always the
only want work. And apparently I was putting it over time.
But I'm married about two hundred doodoos of this young fellow.
Why it's Italian guy. And then he passed away. Years
later he ran a boat into an embankment, one of
those cement embankments when he.
Speaker 5 (22:05):
Was on pills.
Speaker 9 (22:06):
But uh, but yeah, man, I used to get out
there and buried the feces.
Speaker 5 (22:09):
In the morning. How did he give it to you?
How did he present?
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Laid it on the ground out of his butt, straight.
Speaker 5 (22:14):
Out ship on the ground and you had a.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, handwork in between.
Speaker 9 (22:17):
I had one of those couple of little shovels, you know,
like the kids had very kind of a delta, sort
of soil yard, kind of sand.
Speaker 5 (22:24):
I feel your molester.
Speaker 6 (22:25):
No, it wasn't a lessed, and it's kind of like
a like his his gratification was you watching him ship.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Sometimes I would look the other way, Yeah, but still
he saw it.
Speaker 5 (22:35):
I gotta I gotta leave the show and go home.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
And this is the craziest show.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
I gotta go home with my kids.
Speaker 9 (22:40):
I was like, you never did anything to hang out
with the older guys in the neighborhood.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I was the ship. Oh, I'm the bad guy.
Speaker 9 (22:46):
He's denouncing his future kids by kicking him all out
of his life. This guy's he's sex taste, he's donating ship.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
We don't even know.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
What this was up to. He's silent.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
I'm gonna tell you a crazy story. So we hire
this photographer and he literally costs as much as alexis right,
like wedding photography. Those people should go to prison, right,
because you're taking pictures of a fat, thirty five year
old bald guy, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
And it shouldn't be that much money. But anyway, that's
for another day.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
So he was taking he brought a camera from the
eighteen hundreds and it was taking those puffy photos whatever
on silver paper or whatever.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Oh my god, no way, yes, bro, So I.
Speaker 4 (23:34):
Got married at the Library Hotel on Park Avenue, of course.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Holy shit.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
Yeah, So we were taking pictures in front of the
public library, all on the steps and everything, you know,
taking with this stupid fucking camera, and everyone's taking pictures
of us because we've got this old timy guy. We
feel like we're in like like a like in a carnival.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
Taking any stupid pictures with the hood over him and everything.
You had to put the hood over. He was the worst.
I'm so embarrassed. I hated it, and I.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
Knew how much it costs, like this twenty grand, Like
this is bullshit, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
Took the pictures.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
So then I'm walking with my boy Renzel, my right
hand man, right, and we're walking back and we're supposed
to meet at Grand Central and Renza goes, those pictures suck, dude.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I'm like, I know. He's like, you look fat as
shit and tired.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
I'm like, yeah, I know. I've had a bachelor party
for the last two months, you know.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
So he's like, uh, let's just go get a shot.
Speaker 4 (24:22):
So we go and we start drinking at a bar
while the whole wedding party is waiting for us in
Grand Central station.
Speaker 3 (24:30):
And also we meet up with my brother.
Speaker 4 (24:32):
He's walking down with his wife and anything, and we
come and we meet up with my wife.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
And she's in her wedding dress lived.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
I mean, it was only fifteen twenty minutes or an
hour between there, right, So we get I walk.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
And she goes, I want a divorce.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
She said that on your wedding day day.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
That is awesome right there.
Speaker 4 (24:57):
You should know, though, my brother, my brother looks at
me and I look at him, and it's one of
those things only brothers can do. Like he said a
thousand things to me, you know what I mean. And
I looked at him like, oh, you know, what are
you gonna do?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
She's just angry.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
And then fast forward how many years, and then it
finally gets seven years.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
It just it hit. It hit a cliff. No survivors.
Speaker 4 (25:17):
Boo boo boo boo boo boo boo.
Speaker 8 (25:22):
Radio Radio boo boo boo.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Boo boo boo boo.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
Boom boom boom boom boo boo boo boo boo boo
boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo
It's me and Carl Ruez, the Cuban.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You got carried away? How do you thought those guys
might jump us?
Speaker 3 (00:05):
I already had a whole plan. Did you hear my plan?
It was awesome.
Speaker 4 (00:08):
They were going over the railing, throwing out free elbows,
thrown out lefts like their nickels.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
I loved your plan until you realize they were just
high school kids minding their own business.
Speaker 4 (00:17):
And then I said, I just over reacted. Open, Let's
just wrap this up. Nothing's gonna happen here.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Were you stereotyping a little bit?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Well, why else would I come up with a fight plan.
You gotta know what you're dealing with, know your opponent.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Of course.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
That Bok Shang show Art of War or something.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Yes, yes, that's a great book.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
Oh it's the best. My wife must have read that.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
How long do radio? How long do like DJs live?
Like radio guys? Is there like a time.
Speaker 5 (00:44):
Like like forty?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Like dwarf like football players? Like you get the restaurant
that fails.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And past forty is gonna be all right if you
make your past forty?
Speaker 5 (00:52):
Okay, I know a lot of radio guys that died young.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yeah, that's what I wondered, just popped into my head.
Speaker 5 (00:58):
But the drugs will do with you didn't.
Speaker 6 (00:59):
I didn't get any of the I was out really
when the cocaine stopped getting delivered to the radio station
music radio guys die young because they all they coked
from their from their twenties.
Speaker 5 (01:08):
On their hearts just exploded. I never got that right
before they turned forty.
Speaker 6 (01:12):
I just got free meals, which is probably gonna have
the same effect eventually.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
My problem is I attach issues to the people that
bring them to me, and the people that come to
talk to me about global warming.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
I don't like the person.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Maybe he's right, maybe we are dying, but I hate
the person that's telling me.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Can I call doctor Steve about the poop thing?
Speaker 3 (01:29):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Call doctor I got a question doctor Steve too.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
I want to understand you have any medical issues there, Mike.
Speaker 5 (01:34):
No, I'm pretty good.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I mean growing on your body you want to know
about or anything.
Speaker 6 (01:38):
If you want to give me a test or anything,
I'll take it. But I'm pretty sure.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
He used to come up. He used to come up
and do that for us.
Speaker 5 (01:45):
He did to you.
Speaker 7 (01:45):
I got to ask him. No, homeless guys, I mean,
if you're gonna do it with the bit. You gotta
do the bit right.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
Yeah, scientists have proven that global warming is real, and
so I'm going to go with what they think.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Scientists are nerves and they don't get any girls, so
they're a skewed.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Their opinions are skewed.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
No, that's why their opinions are everything. They can focus.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
They can focus all their.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Time on figuring out if it's if we have global
warming or not.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
You're one hundred percent wrong?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
How am I one hundred percent wrong?
Speaker 3 (02:14):
Nerds?
Speaker 4 (02:15):
What they're doing is they're they're upset that they're not
getting girls, so they come up with all these plans
so they ruin the cool guys day, like now we
gotta worry and this and that, and girls are all upset.
It's a way that nerds get girls. That's what computers are.
You ever go to Silicon Valley? Those nerds got the
hottest girls.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
No, they don't.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
And I'm gonna prove you wrong, Carl, because you do
have great street knowledge and I've learned a lot from you.
But let's do a little simple test right now. What
was your hobby growing up?
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Girls?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Before girls? That's the punchline you sign up.
Speaker 8 (02:47):
A pitch and waiting for girls their hair on the ears,
Like why now am I getting hair?
Speaker 6 (02:53):
Why do you need it? And you don't And if
you don't have a good friend to tell you, you
don't see it. My poor father in law, he's my
father in law, so I don't feel like but I
go to my brother in laws, I'm like, how the
fuck you're not telling him? He's got a bush growing
out of his ear. You can't tell him, but you can,
Like I would tell my father.
Speaker 9 (03:09):
I'd be like we told our stepdad they moved to Arizona.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
First took my mother to Arizona.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Bro.
Speaker 9 (03:17):
We wanted to we wanted to do like just number
four over his eyebrows.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Bro, his eyebrows were like getting the note like his ears.
That was insane.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Every boy had a hobby that they were really really
into and obsessed about, and then when those hormones hit
and you discovered girls, it was all over right. Scientists
never discovered girls.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Those people can't be trusted.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
They can absolutely be trusted.
Speaker 4 (03:46):
Have you ever watched every movie the villains, the really
bad ones like doctor Schabego or whatever the hell?
Speaker 3 (03:52):
They didn't get any girls. That's why they were killing everybody.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
We're not going to get anywhere. My point is because
they never got the girls. They had a lot more
time to think about real ship happening in the world.
Speaker 4 (04:03):
Could they had a lot more time to screw the
guys that were getting girls over?
Speaker 3 (04:07):
That's what the how did you just I's had thirteen?
What is a bike highway? I hate this city.
Speaker 7 (04:22):
That was a bad day the first time the haircutter
that went and just sniffed some eyebrows. And then it
fuck because you can make it well into your twenties
without them even touching that ship, and one day they
broke out the scissors.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
And went snip, and it's never been the same.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Shit trimmed downell. I got to do something about it,
all right, Yeah, he said, straight up.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
It's out of control.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
For what for you? For the eyebrows?
Speaker 5 (04:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (04:46):
Fine, I just had them done that guy.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
First of all, I pulled the Bob Kelly on you.
Bob Kelly used to do that to me all the
time on the streets in New York. He would just
grab you at a crosswalk and go watch out, and
you would jump out of your skin, and then he
would point at you and laugh in front of everybody.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
I just did that to you.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
But then a bike came flying through and did you
hear that car horn that was on his bike?
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Dude, that guy's like super Mexican.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
You almost got run over by a bike. That would
have been a wonderful podcast. It would have been our
shortest podcast, but we would have got a lot of
downloads me getting killed by a bike, and it took
us out of that dumb scientist argument.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
I'm totally right about the scientists. Yeah.
Speaker 8 (05:27):
I go to the old man and he said to me.
First thing, I knew the guy was gonna be great
because he's crazy. First thing he says to me, he
puts his finger on my forehead and he goes, second
cousin married Bruce Willis, what all right?
Speaker 1 (05:41):
The guy was out of his mind.
Speaker 8 (05:42):
But he buzzed my head, shaved the beard, trimmed it up,
and then he said, yo, you gotta do something about
their hair on the ears.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
And I'm like, I didn't, you know, think.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
About the second cousin of Bruce Willis.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I said, I said, yeah, I said, you're gonna tell me.
Speaker 5 (05:54):
He goes, no, that's it.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
That's what makes him cool.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yeah, all right, So we got our beers. We are
now sitting out on the Hudson River, actually, me and Carl,
and uh, it's a It's a wonderful afternoon, isn't it. Carl.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
There's a dog that doesn't stop yelping. I'm gonna kill
the dog.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Not happy. I'm not happy with this dog.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
You're already rolling your eyes. You're like, oh.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Great, Yeah, you and your dog. That's great.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Don't worry about everybody else sitting out here trying to
enjoy a wonderful afternoon. Oh boy, it's whining. It's ready
to yelp again. It's gearing up.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
I can't stop laughing.
Speaker 9 (06:42):
Annoyed.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Entitled Opie is my favorite.
Speaker 5 (06:46):
We're calling doct to see right now. Were you to Jamie?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
No, I was just.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Joking about that. I gotta, you know what I gotta.
I got a question.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
I'm not entitled. This is clash of the entitles. Down here,
like and Upper west Side. We're on the water. They're
drinking a nine.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Dollars bottle of rose they paid seven thousand dollars for.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
But in this moment, I'm just a regular person annoyed
by someone's dog because they don't give a fuck about anyone.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
You hear me, I'm gonna start smoking.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Oh, she'll jump right up and be bothered by you
smoking a cigarette, ignoring the fact that her dog is
driving everyone nuts down here.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
That's so funny.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
Yeahs he had two family. He's always on the road.
Else I heard allegedly Jimmy Hart.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Real he ww eight.
Speaker 6 (07:39):
Yeah, because he's in Tampa. He lives in Tampa. But no,
and he and he was in Memphis because he started
Memphis wrestling. And supposedly there's a Memphis family and a
Tampa family.
Speaker 5 (07:48):
That's what I've heard. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
And you just go back and forth, and neither family knows.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
That's all. I think. The second family always knows about
the first family.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 9 (07:54):
Yeah, it's hard to keep it quiet when you get
that megaphone.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Anyway, we're at the Hudson River. Sully landed his plane
right out here. Carl Little History.
Speaker 4 (08:07):
Good old Sully Sullenberger. The Jersey the Jersey Fairies came
and helped him out.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Well, how about this. My wife saw the entire thing
go down.
Speaker 3 (08:15):
You told me the story. It was awesome story.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Well, I want to tell it for the podcast. Can
you make believe you never heard the story. Then I
tell the story and you and you'd throw in a
couple like wows and then stood again.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Good.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
You know my wife was an eyewitness to that whole
Sully thing.
Speaker 4 (08:30):
I know she told me the story. Sorry, I'm salty
because of the dog.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
No.
Speaker 6 (08:41):
I would be happy if I had a kid shot
up at my door like a son and he was like,
I'm your I'm your.
Speaker 5 (08:46):
Son like that.
Speaker 6 (08:46):
I didn't know, not that I make you happy. Only
if he was like older than my marriage.
Speaker 7 (08:50):
I would be pissed because I'm like, I bet you
the mom fucking raised him bad.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
I didn't even get a chance. Yeah, that's what I
would be thinking.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Fallow that and just take him to a couple of launches. Bro, what.
Speaker 9 (09:03):
Man, you can't take in to the garbage dump like
your dad. Burn a little plastic, have a little cookout
with your boy.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
I think they were going, okay, great, bark your goddamn
head off.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
I can't. I can't. Oh God, let me take my
rings and my jewelry off.
Speaker 7 (09:27):
If a teenage kid comes to your front door looks
just like you, yeah, you're like, what the fuck if
your bum dad all those years went by, and then
you wonder if he was raised.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Right, I'd be a little bit hurt, but you know what,
I would take him in.
Speaker 9 (09:37):
And I'm gonna say this honestly right now, if I
got a son out there, because I've been in and
out of a lot of freaking trim out there places,
some things outside of Pittsburgh that occurred, and I just
want to tell my son, I love you, man, And
if you if you're looking for me, you need me, man,
I'm right.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
Here for you.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Don't be afraid to come and approach your father.
Speaker 6 (09:55):
Can I and my son? If you're listening, If you're
under thirteen, don't fucking come around my.
Speaker 5 (10:01):
Marriage seventeen or older. I'll take you.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
I'll love you.
Speaker 5 (10:05):
I'll get your bedroom somewhere.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
An eleven year old boy just breaks down tears.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
Children are just given carte blanche because their children, and
that's why they stay children. Because if I knew that
at twelve I can get away with everything, I'd stay
twelve because that was a good that was a good
look for me, right, And that's what happens. That's there's
so many man adults like like baby adults walking around
with this little entitlement.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
It's from how growing them up.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Like I see these young kids, like every time I
punched this a new kid in the face, you could
tell their face. They're like, I didn't think that was
gonna happen. I'm like, yes, it did happen.
Speaker 5 (10:40):
Doctor Steve.
Speaker 7 (10:41):
We got Jamie jastin studio and he's talking about donating
your poop for money. Forty dollars or load. Right, Jamie, yep,
you know anything about this?
Speaker 10 (10:48):
Yeah, it's sort of like the goose that laid the
golden eggs. Wow, if you've got clean fecal matter, yeah
you can. You can donate for transplant.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Well what deems it to be clean?
Speaker 10 (11:02):
Well, not having hepatitis A would help.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
These kids today. They truly believe they will never get
hit that I think that might be a problem.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
So I was at a bar not far from here
last year and I was on a tear and there
was a kid no more than twenty two years old,
my size, a little maybe a little bit bigger. I
don't pick fights. Some people are gonna rip my head off,
you know what I mean. And he's making fun of me.
He's making fun of me because I'm on the phone
and I don't know how to spell, so I'm spell.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
I'm speaking out the text messages.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
And if you've seen my text messages, they're they're very vulgar, right.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
And very uncomfortable because I'm like, ah, why would he
spell that word that way?
Speaker 3 (11:39):
All right?
Speaker 4 (11:40):
Exactly, So the kid is mocking me, and I could
see it, and I just about had it, and I'm
like five gym beams in.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
I get it from my bar stool. He's sitting there.
Speaker 4 (11:52):
He puts his head down and I punch him as
hard as I can on the side of his head.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
He gets up from the stool, stumbles. Now he looks
at me. His friend's like, now, man, what's that all about?
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Man?
Speaker 4 (12:04):
And I just look at him. The kid just starts crying.
He's never been touched. I took his virginity. That's a
beautiful story.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
And he just started crying.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
And I was like, I gotta get out of here
because I just punched it in the face.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Because now it's going to be your your problem. In
the old days, when you you acted up and someone
punching you in the face, you you fought back and
you learn your lesson. And he didn't get authorities involved.
Most In most cases these kids today though, sorry, now
you got me going anything like that, and they're they're
immediately on their phone calling the cops.
Speaker 10 (12:35):
Best place to get those bacterias from other people's turns?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Is this an assassin's creed plot?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
I like her?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
I think you like Asian?
Speaker 5 (12:46):
Huh?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
I do, because so far you've been looking at nothing
but the Asian girls.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Well they're so nice and they age very slowly.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
What do they do with the poop to get it
ready for transplant?
Speaker 7 (13:03):
Oh?
Speaker 10 (13:04):
You you you know? You dump it in a bucket
and yeah, a little uh fluid to it and then
you uh give it back into the person through an
element ba.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
Do you taste it like you're cooking? Like it needs
a little fluid.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
He came to me and said, I can't hire this
fucking guy. He lied on his resume, and I go,
who cares, it's a little lie. I forgot what the
lie was, but it was really a little lot.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Is weight or height?
Speaker 5 (13:33):
Doc?
Speaker 6 (13:33):
I'm a pretty good public shooter, Like I don't mind
going in restaurants and where.
Speaker 5 (13:37):
Me and you games anywhere. I don't give off, but
I leave bathroom. If I have this ship, I'll go anywhere.
Speaker 10 (13:43):
So we'll do it on the beach.
Speaker 5 (13:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (13:45):
I left Saturday from Tampa, and my body knows when
I'm not in my own environment. I don't really get
constipated because I don't like have stomach pains or anything.
But if my body just won't ship when I'm in
another state until it gets acclimated, what is what?
Speaker 5 (13:58):
How does it know?
Speaker 10 (13:59):
Dude who knows?
Speaker 5 (14:00):
It's amazing.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
You should know, you're.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Honestly, and this is gonna shock a lot of people.
I don't really, I don't really. I don't really read.
I don't really read. Isn't that obvious?
Speaker 3 (14:21):
You look at the picture books the ship cycle.
Speaker 8 (14:25):
You ever notice that, like when you're with a dude,
you all of a sudden you're on the same ship,
Like this motherfucker's got a ship at the same time
as me.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Like periods when you're on the road were sacking up.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, the ship cycle, Like when you're on the road
with you that no idea about that.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
And then you know, in the middle of the.
Speaker 8 (14:37):
Night you stop at like a rest area, and then
you stopped at her rest. There's dudes, Like there's a
lot of dudes on the road that they know the
ship before you get on the bus, like I'm gonna
get this done at night like this. We call them
night poopers and they get it done.
Speaker 5 (14:49):
But then you have like.
Speaker 8 (14:50):
Occasionally like dudes where you're always like this fool's in
the stall again. Yeah, at the same.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Time, who's pre med?
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Is that real?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Doctor Steve? A ship cycle?
Speaker 10 (14:58):
Yeah? That's uh, that would be new science.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Do you believe in karma?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
I do, but not like how people say you do,
one bad thing, a horrendous, horrible bad thing's gonna happen
to you.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
I create karma, Like if someone screws me, I go
after them. Don't you think that's more effective than letting
the chakra beads and nature and sea turtles.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Decide if this guy's gonna get his head chopped off?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Well, but I don't think that's actually uh karma. I
mean that's like that's like eye for an eye.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
Shit, Well that's real karma.
Speaker 8 (15:29):
What about the ear hair, doctor Steve? Why are we
growing hair on our ears?
Speaker 3 (15:32):
That's great?
Speaker 10 (15:34):
Yeah that's crazy.
Speaker 5 (15:35):
Yeah, why the.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Only get why do you get more hair all over
your front body?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
And what about hair on the shaft? Like why does
it got to go up? There like just stay where
it was horrendous.
Speaker 10 (15:43):
The thing is is that evolution doesn't care about those things, right,
So the things that are gross to us when we
get older, well, hell, we used to die when we
were twenty thirty.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Years man, it wasn't a problem.
Speaker 10 (15:55):
So these are all things that evolution isn't selecting.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Again, I agree with you. These are pieces of joy, brother,
and a lot of these stretching.
Speaker 7 (16:02):
Out your fucking peace and and shaving it down, waving
down the shed.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Why would you need the hair that far up to
and why now?
Speaker 9 (16:09):
Because your beans gets longer over time, so the hair
is to keep it warm, So it's reaching out for.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
That yours does. We're irish.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Hey, I'm not in your boat there, brother, all right,
you talk about.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Your own we went wrong today.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Karma is gonna get you. But I believe karma is
more your overall life, not just not just one particular incident.
It's how you handle yourself in life. And and that's
to me, you know, real karma.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I have a very black and white look on the world.
Speaker 4 (16:43):
Right, If you make bad decisions, bad things happen.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
If you make that's karma.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
No, that's making a good decision. And good things happening.
If I hang out with a bunch of people with guns,
I'm gonna get shot.
Speaker 9 (16:54):
I just feel like it's just we're just we're selling
ship and a doctor, your poop.
Speaker 5 (17:01):
We married off donate our shit. We're all too well off.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
To Yeah, what about a mixed bag? How much for
a mixed bag?
Speaker 3 (17:07):
You know, dude, I.
Speaker 7 (17:07):
Want to be an uber driver now. I want to
fucking donate some poop just.
Speaker 10 (17:11):
For the experience walking around money.
Speaker 7 (17:13):
People think I'm I did it for the rate. I
really want to try to uber a little bit.
Speaker 8 (17:17):
That's why when you see people that are like, oh,
I can't get a job, isn't that motherfucker?
Speaker 1 (17:21):
People are selling their shit right.
Speaker 4 (17:23):
A friend of my brothers, I'm a super nerd. I
told him I was getting married. He told me, how
old are you? I told my age. He asked me
questions about Marie. He was an actuary or something for
the US Treasury.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Super smart, im I t guy. He asked me all
the questions. How old is she? The Senate?
Speaker 4 (17:41):
He says, okay, goes on his little internet thing. He goes,
I'm going to give you a scenario. I said, okay.
He said you're marrying this girl. You know, no money,
bad credit, this that we got all these problems. Both
of you got different issues.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
He says.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
If I told you you you.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
Had a sixty six point five percent chance of getting
shot if you walk down Avenue A, but you had
a zero percent chance of getting shot if you walk
down Avenue B.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Which avenue would you walk down? He goes, I would go, well,
be zero percent? He goes, well, your marriage is.
Speaker 7 (18:20):
A oh wow, you know about the time square go dudes, right, oh, yeah,
they're scared.
Speaker 8 (18:27):
When I worked at MTV two, this guy came in
the naked cowboy Yeah, and they're go, oh, what's your
real name? Can we call you Rellion? No, no, call
me naked. And he said that the Dave Grohl and
Dave was like I had I had him all one.
It was bad when he had him all one?
Speaker 5 (18:42):
How bad was it? I hated him, To be honest,
I did not like but you would not booked on effort.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
Actually, I think since I turned twenty two.
Speaker 4 (18:52):
I never dated a girl under forty. When I was
in California, I was dating a girl that was fifty seven.
That's kind of a turn on older girls. So they
know what they want that there's no like, Oh, let's
go watch a movie that no one's gonna like, like
a French movie with someth No, They're like, you want
to go home and watch Martha you know, or whatever
that show is, Will and Grace and eat ice cream.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
I'm like, yes, I fucking do. I got pretzels in
the car, you know. So get to your house.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
We go through all the procedures, everything sign sealed, delivered.
We're all good, right, and wake up the next morning
and I have to get to work to the restaurant
that I'm working for in in Sonoma.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
And she's like, just go in the garage and take
the convertible. The keys are in it. And it was
a nineteen ninety not known No. No.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Two thousand and four, two thousand and three, six hundred
SL convertible. And I show up to work and I
was like, Yo, Carl is straight up chick sugar Daddy
bro does not play.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Carl has been in California.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
For four days. He has a six hundred SL. And
I just loved a luxury of older women. They're so luxurious,
like they go with the flow.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Nothing bothers them.
Speaker 4 (20:05):
They're not worried about a rash or a couple of
pimples here and there they bang it out.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
When you said luxury, I was thinking, leather skin.
Speaker 5 (20:14):
You a piece of shit.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
You know.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
Exactly why people don't like you.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
He said luxury, and you were talking cars. I was
thinking leather interior.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Oh what do you even say?
Speaker 1 (20:27):
So he said leather skin.
Speaker 9 (20:29):
He's a good guy actually, Like you know, he's out
here with his Family's got three children. They all look
like him, which is nice these days, you know, and
he's taking Yeah. But I think these days it's nice
to see that stiff, the.
Speaker 7 (20:44):
Dad, because dad was having a good time in the
radio and the kids wanted out.
Speaker 9 (20:47):
The buzzy's in here talking about masturbation up in Buffalo
and skeating out in the winter, and his wife's sitting
over here, all quiet and peaceful.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
You know.
Speaker 9 (20:54):
That's Trump's America, dude.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
That's how we're living these days.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Locker room talk.
Speaker 4 (20:59):
I always plan for the worst, except once my marriage.
That's the only time I was melancholy, and everyone around
me is like, dude, But they.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Were telling you the little I know about that, well,
I'm well, I don't know what you want to like, say, so,
I'll follow your lead, but it sounds like a lot
of your the people around you were kind of warning
you before you even.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Got into it. I looked I looked like an F.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Sixteen taking off of an aircraft carrier. Everyone's waving flags.
I'm like, I got this and I got hit with
a missile like two feet off the plane.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
They're like, God, he's dumb. You know what I mean.
That's what love does to you. It just makes you dumb.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
I've got a great story of buddy you.
Speaker 9 (21:36):
This kid down the street actually used to make me
bury a feces when I was a child, to hang
out with them.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Why And You're like, that's forty pop now. I said
that was part of a club.
Speaker 9 (21:47):
You were, yeah, it's the only way I can hang
out with them. With this kid, you haven't always the
only want work. And apparently I was putting it over time.
But I'm married about two hundred doodoos of this young fellow.
Why it's Italian guy. And then he passed away. Years
later he ran a boat into an embankment, one of
those cement embankments when he.
Speaker 5 (22:05):
Was on pills.
Speaker 9 (22:06):
But uh, but yeah, man, I used to get out
there and buried the feces.
Speaker 5 (22:09):
In the morning. How did he give it to you?
How did he present?
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Laid it on the ground out of his butt, straight.
Speaker 5 (22:14):
Out ship on the ground and you had a.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, handwork in between.
Speaker 9 (22:17):
I had one of those couple of little shovels, you know,
like the kids had very kind of a delta, sort
of soil yard, kind of sand.
Speaker 5 (22:24):
I feel your molester.
Speaker 6 (22:25):
No, it wasn't a lessed, and it's kind of like
a like his his gratification was you watching him ship.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Sometimes I would look the other way, Yeah, but still
he saw it.
Speaker 5 (22:35):
I gotta I gotta leave the show and go home.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
And this is the craziest show.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
I gotta go home with my kids.
Speaker 9 (22:40):
I was like, you never did anything to hang out
with the older guys in the neighborhood.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
I was the ship. Oh, I'm the bad guy.
Speaker 9 (22:46):
He's denouncing his future kids by kicking him all out
of his life. This guy's he's sex taste, he's donating ship.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
We don't even know.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
What this was up to. He's silent.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
I'm gonna tell you a crazy story. So we hire
this photographer and he literally costs as much as alexis right,
like wedding photography. Those people should go to prison, right,
because you're taking pictures of a fat, thirty five year
old bald guy, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
And it shouldn't be that much money. But anyway, that's
for another day.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
So he was taking he brought a camera from the
eighteen hundreds and it was taking those puffy photos whatever
on silver paper or whatever.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Oh my god, no way, yes, bro, So I.
Speaker 4 (23:34):
Got married at the Library Hotel on Park Avenue, of course.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Holy shit.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
Yeah, So we were taking pictures in front of the
public library, all on the steps and everything, you know,
taking with this stupid fucking camera, and everyone's taking pictures
of us because we've got this old timy guy. We
feel like we're in like like a like in a carnival.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
Taking any stupid pictures with the hood over him and everything.
You had to put the hood over. He was the worst.
I'm so embarrassed. I hated it, and I.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
Knew how much it costs, like this twenty grand, Like
this is bullshit, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
Took the pictures.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
So then I'm walking with my boy Renzel, my right
hand man, right, and we're walking back and we're supposed
to meet at Grand Central and Renza goes, those pictures suck, dude.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I'm like, I know. He's like, you look fat as
shit and tired.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
I'm like, yeah, I know. I've had a bachelor party
for the last two months, you know.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
So he's like, uh, let's just go get a shot.
Speaker 4 (24:22):
So we go and we start drinking at a bar
while the whole wedding party is waiting for us in
Grand Central station.
Speaker 3 (24:30):
And also we meet up with my brother.
Speaker 4 (24:32):
He's walking down with his wife and anything, and we
come and we meet up with my wife.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
And she's in her wedding dress lived.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
I mean, it was only fifteen twenty minutes or an
hour between there, right, So we get I walk.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
And she goes, I want a divorce.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
She said that on your wedding day day.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
That is awesome right there.
Speaker 4 (24:57):
You should know, though, my brother, my brother looks at
me and I look at him, and it's one of
those things only brothers can do. Like he said a
thousand things to me, you know what I mean. And
I looked at him like, oh, you know, what are
you gonna do?
Speaker 3 (25:09):
She's just angry.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
And then fast forward how many years, and then it
finally gets seven years.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
It just it hit. It hit a cliff. No survivors.
Speaker 4 (25:17):
Boo boo boo boo boo boo boo.
Speaker 8 (25:22):
Radio Radio boo boo boo.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Boo boo boo boo.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
Boom boom boom boom boo boo boo boo boo boo
boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo
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