November 28, 2023 • 58 mins
"OTR's Holiday Classics: A Timeless Tradition," known as "Timeless Classics OTR: Old Time Radio's Greatest Christmas Shows," is a special selection of old-time radio shows curated to evoke a seasonal mood. This collection stands out from ordinary 24/7 old-time radio streams, offering a unique mix of nostalgia and holiday spirit through its selection of classic radio programs. It's a go-to choice for those looking to immerse themselves in the festive atmosphere with a touch of vintage charm
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Episode Transcript
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(00:09):
An hour of smiles in town HallTonight, Folks, sixty minutes the fun
and music brought to you by IpanaTooth based and Thu Havadica Ipana for the
Trial of Dudu Hapanaka for the Smileof Hell. Fun from Hollywood with our
star comedian Fred Allen, who tonightbrings us Jack Bennet. Music by Peter
Van Steeden, New features, newmusic, new laugh. It's town Hall
(00:30):
Tonight. Listen to that crowd hereis Fred Allam meets great at Stars to
the old town Hall, Brett leadingthe band Restless Panna, followed by those
spas in the theaters size to themighty Ali La players. Let's join,
happy crowd folk. Everybody's going here. They come see demons. How come
(01:00):
you comprest and see second here inSmithy? I am I still dean,
I umping into my lady on ahigh end down old tonight, balloted.
You just came down to set thekick hard? Why are you taking your
balloon up again? Radiopsis better entertative, fair lady, it's town hard to
name these seas, don't tell youlook at the sunken treasure in that wreck.
(01:26):
Mel Yeah, it's the radio downthere, it's still worse and it's
jest Benny tonight. Well, sohere we are before the old town hall,
and there's said with an old oillamp, making light of the folks
as they passed inside. Let's listeneenie meenie miney and the mole and Maria,
(01:47):
folks. All roads lead to theold town Hall. Now, don't
jostle, madam, com the crookright I passed? How long is this
side of It's just standing here tonight, miss yet not all here, but
all there is a Benny you findon the inside with a joke a tune.
And we're starting soon. So Harry, Harry, are you sy prep
you bet Harry, And it's upto see there now. His first number
(02:08):
is be a good sport. Well, I'll drive bred. Let her go,
Peter parts, not on you bea photos big parts. It pays
to be a good user to money, hight monkey, don't try all myself
(02:30):
melt, I'll just make a living. Don't be a sport modest today and
sol the weather reports lovely tomor evenif you live a hundred, life is
still too shorts. So be goody. He's a cout and be the part
(03:00):
he's today the weather report. Loveit to marvel. He's going to be
a hundred. Life is still twoshots. There's a thing that Zella sorrows.
Who's asiary These xylophones are presentilatings andambulance Aire zannak Zany of the cinema,
(03:23):
Fred Allen in person, you'll allagain, little Jack Benny t away,
go away boy, Oh all right, see right away, get away
from this microphone here, good evening. We must get a weather strip put
(03:44):
on the fall. Good evening,ladies and gentlemen. Well we have a
nice night for it this evening.And before the Hollywood Weather Bureau butts in
with a commercial to take the creditfor the weather, I'll read you the
town Hall bullet and for the night. Unwhite, the first to sell bacon
slice so thin that the streets hadto be pinned to the fatty part as
(04:05):
a special announcement. Odd says thatduring the cold fell he's taking out his
dial phones and putting in one ofthe old stylers. Folks. Odd says,
you can't use the dial phone withyour mittens on, and it's so
dog gone cold in the store.If you take your mittens off, it
will frost your hang there so untilit warms up. Odd is inviting all
(04:27):
mitten lovers to stop in and phonein comfort. So much for smart customer
appeal around the village and how forthe town Hall News the curtain Harry for
Curtain pred the curtain for certain alongfellow, hey them will be five to
two, the lights go out andwe bring you the latest news of the
week. The down Hall News seesnothing shows all. Washington, d C.
(04:54):
Government Weather Bureau predicts that backbone ofrecent cold wave is broken and nation
can expect moderate Temperaturists work from nowon Downhall News checking on recent snowstorms and
below zero weather around the country.Interviews prominent citizens affected. Tales of strange
happenings are rampant in the land asreach other recent cold At Bill Dad Nova,
(05:14):
Scotia, Mister Tufton Pump gives offrecord statements. How did you find
the recent snap, mister pomp It'sthe worst storm. I have seen these
sparks in the past ten years,all but one year. Didn't you see
a storm that year? I didn'tsee nothing that year, shun I brought
my dresses. I see. Well, how cold was it? Mister poump
well to give you a rough ideaof our Townshend Trump gave a community sing
(05:39):
last week, and they called onme to solo what happened? It was
so jog gone cold. I openedmy mouth to sing, old man river.
What came out? And I sickledtwo cornerss long. Thank you,
mister pomp and Declaire. Wisconsin.Missus Nadine Whine, a housewive, tells
her strange story. You say itwas real stormy, missus Wwine nod?
(06:03):
Yes, Noah so high yesterday folksgoing by the house were stooping down to
look in my transom. Was ituh? Was it uncomfortable? Indoors?
I was chilled so bad I shookhalf the spots off a poke about mother
Hubbard must have been cold, allright? It was plumb bitter. Why
I sat down on a chair andthought I had a frost bite. Wasn't
(06:27):
it frostbite? No? I wassetting on to my false teeth for Noah's
Thank you, missus Wine at RockawayBeach, New York. Four Dice mess
Baum retired pushcod Barons had gustly experiencein the cold waves. What theok place?
Mister mess Baum? Forever turfening permissionhappens off hole over Sidney. A
(06:49):
cold affect you physically, my poet, physically, but financially. Really what
happened for fifteen years? My neighborGold Club, a pipe bug, but
a good one. He joining meat four dollars yesterday and I'm blizzard.
I am meeting Ghost Club face toface, bears to beards. Me on
meeting the temperatures below below zero,below zero is asking on top of the
(07:12):
miter zero is looking like a haylowyer. But what about ghost Cloud? Gold
Club all of a sudden getting sociable, is saying, Miss brom For fifteen
years, I'm owing your four dollars, and today are catching me in.
I'm oot this apple? Did youget the money? Well, I'm putting
out my hand and the coal totake it, and Lolan give out.
(07:33):
I'm hearing something dropping. Was itthe four dollars? Not four dollars?
It was four of my fingers Aclimber boy, Thank you, mister mess
and Hollywood, California, Miss fernFickle, loyal Californian denies the very existence
of a cold wave. You sayyou didn't observe the sudden change in temperature,
(07:55):
Miss Fickle. In California, onedoesn't discuss the weather with strangers,
mister, why not with strangers onlyentreneur? Why it was freezing? It
was freezing last week? Yeah,zero night. The Chamber of Commerce arranged
it annually. It's to help peoplewith swimming pools. The Chamber of Commerce
wants your swimming pools to freeze.Yes, once a year, we tip
(08:18):
up the ice and sweep out thebottom of the pools. You Californians take
the cake. No, we lowerit back in the pool instantly. You
deny, you denied, You denythe existence of bad weather here in Hollywood
recently. As a loyal Californian,I do why it was so cold last
(08:41):
night? I saw hail coming down. Not hail, tourists. You might
have seen some puffed rain, butnot hail. This is California, thank
you, Miss Fco. Many farmtenants report unusual happenings at Pine Schnuff,
Hawkinsaw. Farmer Conway's strangle is interviewedin his barn. Don't you see the
(09:01):
cold here in your bond farm?A straggle, your turn to and strangers?
The cold in here? Right now, I'm steam heating them hands mess
you you have to heat the nest, sure do. How would you like
to sit down on the nest ofcold straw and fry lay an egg?
Well, I me either. Son, there's the there's the cold body of
(09:22):
cow. You better milk freezes rightat him. I've been getting an out
in steaks, milk steaks. Yeah. Well, look I'll show you.
I'll hold there, Bessie quiet,I'll milk her for you, all right,
easy? If I say take iteasy, I watch this. The
milk comes out about a foot freezesand I snaffer off. Thank you,
(09:58):
Foma strang I go break me offa pine and I'll take it with me.
These flashes have given you an ideaof the present day machine age cold
wave, ladies and gentlemen, Butin the mind of the oldest inhabitant,
the outstanding cold wave ever to sweepthis country occurred during the winter of eighteen
seventy one. On the night ofJanuary second, eighteen seventy one, the
(10:20):
Mercury took a fifty two degree drop. The drop. Now, ladies and
gentlemen, our first guest stars tonightthe Basin street boys. You have heard
their voices many times in musical cartoonsand tonight they sing their latest number.
(10:41):
You drove the gloom away when timestudy and brains and rains sorrow things you
did something swing to me way bringsnow and tree good becomes scuty something to
(11:03):
me? Jo? Does you well? These mamround your say thanks, de
ban's so funny about your painting,and that is all human went slow the
gun and streets good de fun scutysomething to me joejsway fran have something last
(12:01):
sorry old basic jog away, Ohbasic, Joe away now and onemans around
(12:33):
a thank so Ma got you safetyand of the man's when snow on the
run, and Jesus be fun youdid something swinging door Joe away? Do
(12:54):
jog away door door Joe away,honey baby, and now much as it
pains me, And will you mayI present jelow again mister jack Bunny talking?
(13:16):
Will you go away? Oh fook? May I present ladies and chaslemen.
I don't mind riff raff coming inthe audience, But when it comes
to the microphone of author, mayI present mister j Aloysius Grump who sees
(13:41):
all, tells all, and knowsenough. After reading a reliable weather report,
to come in out of the rain, mister grump, I holt ha
ha, I understand. I understandyou're a bit of a prophet in your
spare time. Mister grum. Yousaid it on you said it. I'm
in the no saying, so Ican tell her I have him the hoar
happens. See, And I liketo say right here now that from where
(14:03):
I hit, the outlook's pretty gloomy, pretty goomy. Indeed, what with
with Christmas coming on that, that'sjust my point. Most of the gowns
they'd like to have meat coats forChristmas are gonna get washing machines. Willy
nilly, you said it, father, checking account is gonna have fallen oches,
And then they all people all overthe country will go through the holidays
eating too much and drinking too muchand feeling like the end of a mispan's
(14:24):
life, and there's nothing they cando about it. Oh, now,
come come, mister grump, youare painting a pretty gloomy picture here.
Hips that a lot of us willover indulged during the holidays, and naturally
we will feel stuffy or grousei erhave a headache because that over indulgence is
upset our stomach. But there issomething you can do about it. Ladies
(14:46):
and gentlemen. You can reach fora friendly bottle of style hippatica because so
many physicians will tell you that sluggishunderpar feeling is so often caused by two
things, accumulated waste and gastric acidity. And thou hippataka is a quick acting,
effervescent mineral salt laxative made especially toget after both of these conditions at
once. That's why it is particularlyeffective, ladies and gentlemen, because hapanica
(15:09):
not only removes accumulated waste through laxation, but besides it also counteracts la accidity.
So just put two tea spoonfuls ofsaladicon a glass of water and brink
it. You'll soon be feeling alert, alive, feeling that there is a
Santa Claus. If you'll just remembersal hepatica for the smile of health.
(16:48):
Did that way? Would do it? Peter Van Stephen and the ipanoturb But
(17:27):
ours have just played Limehouse Blue andnow, ladies and gentlemen, you didn't
expect to meet Jello again. There'sa Jack Benny talking, will you get
will you get away from here?Is this Wednesday night or not? Well,
as I were saying, ladies andgentlemen, tonight, you didn't expect
(17:52):
to meet of whom Fred Well rightin back of this radio studio on the
Warner Brothers Law. Here, Harry, there's a gentleman who operates a lunch
wagon day and night. He isa veritable tornado of chopped meat and onions.
For he is a genial merlin whoassembles hamburgers at an instant's notice for
his customers. And his customers,Harry, our only movie and radio celebrity.
(18:15):
Now, I think a man whoworks untold ours to help radio and
movie favorites fend off malnutrition has anodd profession. It's certainly hers press Well.
I've invited him to jump out ofhis frying pan into our fire this
evening and see how it feels tobe grilled himself. And so then,
ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Iknow you didn't expect to meet mister Willie
(18:37):
King. Willie, you always makeall of us feel at home at your
lunch wagon, and Harry and Iwant you to feel at home here with
us tonight. Thank you, MissAllen. I'll do my best. Well.
First, of all, do youjust operate this one lunch wagon in
back of the studio? No,I have six wagons all together. Uh
where are the other five touring cafes? They're in a garage. I only
(18:59):
use them for special location, allbanquets, weddings and things like that.
You mean no when Warner Picture Companiesgo on location or send out my trucks
to third lunch to the access tothe cannon. I see you have the
location concession, right, I'm theonly lunch man with the exclusive concession at
the studio. You haven't any competitionthere? Well, there's one fellow running
(19:19):
a freelance lunch wagon, but hecan muscle in on my territory. A
freelance lunch wagon. It isn't thatfella they call Tomaine Sam? Is it?
I won't mention any names. Whyshould I advertise a competitor? You
all right? Welly? Or tellme? Has you all lunch wagon ever
been in any of the Wanna picturesyet? At the one u ate U
(19:42):
eat was used I'm a fugitive froma chain gang. It was in I'm
a Fugitive from a chain gang?Well, how did it screen for not
being made up? And considering it'sa wagon, it look pretty good.
Well, you are to paint yourwagon red, Willie, and be ready
for taking the color. You thinkit's a bad idea. I think it's
a good I did. There's onethat. Don't mind my voice tonight,
(20:06):
Willie. I'm taking voice lessons fromAndy Devine's teacher exhip, having effected,
but saying, there's one question Iforgot that I should have really asked you
first, Willie, how did youget into this a la caa cafe business?
Well, years ago, I usedto be in picture business. Uh
huh, Now it comes out youwere an actor. Huh. No,
I was assistant director with Larry Seamanand Silent Pictures. What was the last
(20:26):
picture you worked on? The Wizardof Oz? Were there any actors who
are stars today? And the Wizardof Oz? Clark Gabel was an extra
in that picture. He carried aspear. I wonder, I wonder whatever
became of that sphere. I wouldn'tknow, naturally, But how did you
happen to work yourself out from assistantdirecting to owning a lunch wagon? Well?
(20:52):
Well, when the talkies came in, I asked Jack wanted to give
me the Lunchem concession of his studio, and Jack wanted it. Huh,
Yes, Brett, that was twelveyears ago, and thanks to his kindness,
I've been in business ever since.Well I imagine Willie that during the
past twelve years you have sold thesandwich to practically every big star on the
water a lot. Yes, I'veknown them all, and you're acquainted with
all of the Wanner stars today ofcourt. Oh yes, Dick pol Joe
(21:15):
Modell, Edwards, Geo brobism Any, Divine pet O'Brian, Leslie Howard what
does heay? What does Leslie Howardusually have for lunch? Kippers and the
crumpets? No, mister Howard generallyhas coffee and donuts. Well confidentially,
Willie, have you ever caught LeslieHoward dunking? Well, one day I
wait for a laugh, will hewaits for your laugh? Well, one
(21:44):
day when he was drinking his coffee. I did hear his splash? You
heard his splash? Wild? MisterHoward was drinking his coffee? Was les
dunking? No, it's this watchfell in his coffee? Well? Who
else? Folse calories at your tabodotetrailer? Ruby Keeler does ruby like your
hamburgers, she says, at thebest in time. No kidding, Eh,
(22:04):
it's El. What's his name?Her husband L? That fella.
Is he a hamburger at it?No? No, L generally takes his
steaks mothers and ketcher. What aboutBetty Davis? Miss Davis is crazy about
potatoes. I've seen him order friedpotatoes and potato salad in the same plate.
I imagine you treasure the mental pictureyou have of Miss Davis's potatoes among
(22:27):
your starchy souvenirs. Will they There'sno time for sentiment when you're running a
lunch wagon. Press say I've forgottenone of Warner brothers most important stars,
Willie. Have you ever served PaulMuni? Sure, but I have trouble
(22:48):
recognizing him. It looks so differentthan every picture. You've never chased mister
Munie away from the wagon at No, but once when he was making Louis
Petz tour, I kept him waitinghalf an hour. I didn't I didn't
reckonize with his beer on did themister Muni stop in for lunch? I
had Emo Zolar every day. I'dlike to have seen Zola eating a hamburger.
Say, say, if they're goodenough for Paul Muni, they're good
(23:11):
enough for Zolar. You've been chateringthe movie folks, so long? Will
he tell me who eats more?The stars or the extra? Well?
The extra? Usually lots of thesestars are diving while they're working. Have
you ever witnessed any unusual cluttony atyour wagon? Once? I saw bought
the mcclaney five steak sandwiches in therow? Five steak sandwiches? Where is
(23:32):
that an all time fight themIn record? No? I think l lubring the
song? Where there holds the record? Well, I've seen hell. He's
a pretty big boy, almost wayabout two hundred and fifty, I know.
I heard they offered him a jobas a stand in over at the
Alitian Mountain until they get the runawaypod, until they get the runaway pod
(23:52):
back in place. What did Aleat the day he broke your record?
As I recalled, La had twohands sandwiches too, hot dogs, two
almberget salami sandwich with ice cream,and plenty of coffee and tea in between.
What did Al say when he finished? It wasn't the word I get
it? Well? Thanks well,thanks Willy for giving us this opportunity to
(24:18):
put on our optical napkins and takea peek behind you on mount of chopped
steaking on you. It's been apleasure. Fred, you like the radio
business, Hey, it's not bad. You don't have to wear an apron.
I know. But you found asecret of success in your own business,
Willy. You hitched your lunch wagonto a movie star and the Warner
Brothers right every sandwich or Warner brotherproduction. Now before you go, is
(24:41):
there a word of encouragement or adviceyou would like to give to any youngsters
who might be thinking of going intoyour business. All of this freads.
If you're going to be a successmaking Hamburger sandwiches, you've got to make
booth ends meat meat as in Hamburger. I see well, good night,
and thank you, Willie King,Our ladies and gentlemen. The King's man
(25:07):
tonight. The boy says, nobodyloves a river there, but he's mother.
Hammer away, boy, Get me, gotcha, get me got job,
(25:30):
all for one, one for all. That's how it girls played basketball.
Get me, gotcha, get megotcha. That's how I oined me
weekly check. Put a hammer onme shoulder, and the murder around me
neck. Hey, guys, lookat that swell name down below there you
go get me? Hey, howdo you get that hit me there with
the red hot river? I'll lookwhat you do when you colum the boom.
I'm fed up with this lousy job. Anyhow. Why a love a
(25:52):
tailor, a buter or a tailor. But nobody loves the river but his
mom. A girl can love themnumber or some guy even dumber. But
nobody loves the rider but his mother. He'd love a crocle break into a
jewelry shop if she's a cook,he even love. But when we start
to reve it, no woman cannotlive it. So nobody loves the riven,
(26:15):
but his mother. A go canlove protector, a lawyer orchitractor.
Nobody loves the lister but his mother. Nobody loves the rive but his mom.
(26:41):
King Solomon ten thousand wife don't payhis brand and needs one person.
Oh, for goodness say, butwhen we start to live and no woman
cannot live it, nobody loves theriver but his mother. Get me got
your hat? Thank you. Ournext guest, ladies and gentlemen, mister
(27:06):
Eugene Leicester, mister Lester is nota solo. It's by profession. Gene
is the official candid camera man forthe popular radio magazine The Radio GUYE.
Jane, you're out here in Hollywooddoing candid camera work on some of the
radio shows, aren't you. I'dI've been shooting all the shows originating from
the West coast here you have,mauh. What shows have you done recently?
Well, so far, I've donethe Hollywood Marty Grove of Burns,
(27:29):
An Allen's show, Phil Baker,and then I think that fellow sitting over
there in the corner was on oneof them. Oh, mister Benny,
that's the one. Well, you'llknow as soon as you get the things
developed there there's any doubt. Ifthere's any doubt as to what's been going
(27:53):
on Jean and your camera, assoon as you get the stipps developed,
you can let us know. Whenare these going to be in these fatures?
I saw you taking some in oddressrehearsal to day. When are they
going to be in radio GUIDs?Well, these pictures that I've taken today
will be in your issue of RadioGuide on January seventh. January seventh,
And you do I heard you hummingat your work, you know the other
day, and that is the reasonwhy we've sort of invited you to carol
(28:17):
for us this evening. Jeane,you do you do much singing at labittum
besides your camera work. Well,I do a lot of singing in the
dark room where nobody can hear me. Well, but tonight you're going to
come right out with the lights onand see what happens. Uh. You
prefer photography to singing, Well,they sort of both work hand in hand.
Well they do in a way atthat. The only difference is that
(28:38):
a photographer would be ap to tellother people to look out for little Birdie,
whereas the singer would have to lookout for the little birdie himself.
Well but well, all right,Geane, I guess we have exhausted the
(28:59):
fun for the moment. We Yes, we mustn't be too funny now,
because mister Benny is coming along witha sham shortly. And what are you
glad to saying? Jane? Whatwas a new tune called Rosalie that seems
to be pretty popular? Rosie familypicture of the same name. Right,
all right, thank you o,my sim Well, I am all so
(29:48):
much in love. Who wants tomake my life lively and tell me your
willing will be mind more less forgreen lesser ladies and gentlemen, Radio guys,
(30:26):
Tana camera expert. Now, ladiesand gentlemen, if you have no
serious objections, I'd like to conducta little experiment. At the experiment at
this point, you see, someexperts just burst into print with a statement
that radio audiences listen with only halftheir minds and consequently have only a vague
idea of what they hear. Welove you think you can change your effort,
(30:48):
No, Harry, all I wantto do is to prove or disprove
it. Now, if I canjust get someone within the range of these
tired eyes. Well, this gentlemanhere in the front row, do you
listen regularly to this program? Shareevery chance? I guess my public,
would you? Would you mind steppingup to the microphone, jes toshack and
share? Thank you? Now?Will you tell me in your own words
(31:11):
what miss Devant now says every weekabout Ipana toothpaste. Well, I'll try.
Let's see. He recommends Ipana toothpasteand massage, and my dad is
stacked him up on a tooth.He says, you can help keep your
teeth bright and sparkling with the regularuse of Ipanna. Then I think he
makes a very good point when hesays that the soft, creamy food we
eat don't give our gums enough workto do, but if we massage our
(31:34):
gums every day with Ipana toothpaste,we can give them the exercise they need
to help keep them firm and healthy. I guess that just about covers everything
well bred. This gentleman sort ofknocks your experts theory into a cock pad,
doesn't it. Well, of course, mis Devanzel, I've been using
Ipana for a couple of years now, and just lately with one of those
new double duty toothbrudges, so I'vehad plenty of chance to check up on
(31:55):
your statements. Maybe that's why Iremember them so well. Well, whatever
the reason is, we're very indebtedto use not at all, Miss von
Selle. Or there's one more thingI didn't mention it, Well, maybe
we better leave that for Harry.He might feel slighter if we didn't go
ahead, Harry. Well, Idon't know. All that's left for me
to say is since brighter teeth andhealthier guns naturally mean a far more attractive
smile, Ladies and gentlemen, alwaysremember iap hammer for the smile of beauty
(32:23):
Tom Holt, and I will continueimmediately following a short pause for your station
identification. Thank you, Peter andVan Stephen and the Ipano troop. But
(32:52):
always if Judge played a part ofI'm Feeling like a Minyon. We started
our new service a few weeks ago, ladies and jab you know, on
all of the hour programs, rightin the middle where the announcer says it
is station so and so and soand so, the music always sort of
dies out and for a few briefseconds you miss part of the tune.
So a week after week now weare going to give you back the few
(33:15):
little bars of music you've missed whenthe announcer speaks in our program, will
you play the few strange there PeterFart please, thank you very much.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, ifyou fit that back into the parts you
(33:36):
heard before the announcers, fo youhave I'm Feeling like a million Now on
Friday night, the port Service StringEnsemble, well do you mind I fire
about miss the hour? Why no, Portland into each life, some rain
must fall unless unless one lives inpalm springs, of course, or unless
(33:57):
one is an old name. Whatis an old man to do with no
rain falling in her life? Ifan old maid never gets married, she
never gets a shower. Do yousee turbo shower? As long as she's
healthy? What is this? Igot a suprise for you tonight, mister
Alice. Big surprise. Now,look, Portland, this is the day
of digest publications, concentrated foods andcapsule criticism. Couldn't you sense the trend
(34:24):
and show up with a little surprise? But this is the biggest thing you've
had on the program this year.Hello again for the fourth time. Now
love Portland. A thing on theprogram. We don't need stuff. I
don't mind, but not a thing. But mister Allen, it isn't a
(34:45):
thing. This is an old trendof yours, from the days of Boatville.
If it's auto the train seal,throw him a fish and tell him
I'm business. I'll wait a minute, Fred, If you'll just take your
nose that one you used to talkthrough out of that microphone, you'll see
that it's me, Oh Jack JackDenny. Well, I'm wait a minute.
(35:07):
As the reception goes in there forit doesn't he it was. I
was worried there for a minute.Well you've been on four times. If
you all took a little bit eachtime, as Betty, you get it
all at once like that let herfile up. Well, I'm terribly sorry,
(35:28):
Jack, I didn't notice. Seehow long have you been standing there?
Since eight o'clock this morning? They'vebeen using me instead of the bullevard
watch time? I think Jack,didn't Mary come along with you? No
party. She wanted to come over, but she's busy with her Christmas shopping,
Christmas chopping. Yeah, right nowshe's over a Bullocks wheelchair putting me
through banks. That's just may anidea. How he holds that along forty
(35:52):
Well, Jack, this is quitea surprise you dropping in. I didn't
know you were going to be heretonight. I didn't know it either,
Fred until I heard you announced itfive times last week. But don't get
me wrong, Freddie, I appreciatethat build up. I'm one guy who
knows that it pays to advertise.Now, I'll listen here, Benny.
If that's a hint, you arenot getting one cent for crawling in here
(36:14):
tonight, and you know it.Why, Fred, I really I didn't
expect to get paid for this.I haven't any more right to take money
for working on this program than youhave you for a while now, so
(36:38):
John Chad jokes, they'll hold youfor a while, and now hold on
many, hold on, man,Denny, that's an install hollow Waif if
I was Professor Quiz, i'd saycorrect, absolutely correct. And if I
was Major Bowls, you'd have leftwith a unit ten minutes ago. Hey,
(36:58):
that's nice work if you can getit. I wouldn't mind being back
Infordville again, though, would you. Ah? Those were the good old
day? Yes, slay fred Nokid, Will you ever forget the time
you and I were together at theOrpheum Theater in Sous City, Iowa.
Yeah, only I was on thestage. I don't care, Freddy.
I made more money selling peanuts andone day than you did all week.
(37:23):
Well, Jack, I didn't makemuch money in those days, but I
was a pretty good juggler. Rememberhow I used to toss those Indian clubs
in the air and do a funnymonologue at the same time. I sure
do. Bred You remember when youdropped those clubs, you'd let them lay
there right alongside of your joke.Yep, Well you ought to know you
(37:45):
swept up the theater every night.I did not. I used to stay
in the theater lay just to practicemy violin. And you should have stuck
to your broom. I should havestuck to my program too. I had
asked for this, yes, butyou had to write that. Yes.
(38:08):
Well right, anyway, A lotof water is going over the dawn.
Since then love over the dawn?Yes, Bred, you know how careful
we have to be. But justthink, ready, just think here we
are both in Hollywood, and bothof us a pictures. It does seem
(38:30):
unreasonable, doesn't of course? Bread? Maybe I shouldn't point this out,
but I I do make a lotmore pictures than you do. Well,
Jack, there's so little of youin each one you have to make all.
Oh is that why they do it? I'm glad you brought that a
(38:52):
How do you like pictures? Bred? Fine? Jack? I just finished
one called Sally, Irene and Mary. I'm leaving for New York next week.
Oh, they're releasing you instead ofthe pictures. Now, Benny,
if you're here to drift venom,Heed, you'll promiscuous spattering. And remember,
the distribution is the trailer that followsoral pollution. Alan, You're just
(39:14):
lucky. I don't know what you'retalking about. Anyway. I had a
hunch you were going back east,Bred and mat why came up here to
see you? Have you decided whichway you're going back? I mean,
uh, which form of transportation?Well, I was going to take the
boat and go through Panama, butI've got a hat, so I decided
(39:37):
to I decided to take the train, well, Bred, I of course
I don't want to influence you oneway or the other. But have you
ever thought of driving back east?You know, by automobile or what kind
of an automobile? Now, don'trush me. And it's in good condition
(39:59):
too, no kidding. Would youlike to drive back home? Breddy?
No, Jack, I'll stick tothe Chief if you'd rather hang around with
Indians. For you, the Chiefis a train, as you will find
out when you finish your next picture. Mister Bennet say, why do you
tind to get at anyway? Well, friend, I own a Maxwell and
(40:21):
I thought that you don't think youcan palm that ten nightmare off on me?
I hope why I wouldn't be founddead in that car? They you're
no better than the engine. Whythe engine in that steam cabinet is so
dead? The front wheels are nothingbut rubber pot Where is that uncovered wagon?
(40:45):
It's right outside the door. Heyboy boy, aybody, will you
drive my maxwell in please? I'llbe careful, fellas it's the high power
bar there, you know, fightingair boys fighting here. I wanted to
leave a guy here, missus Benny. Yeah, yeah, thanks fella.
Hey, what's that noise? Noise? I'll put off the order till we
(41:07):
can hear it. That's better,Hey, mister Benny, I guess this
belongs to you. Oh the door? Yes, thanks, I went to
closes and it came off of myhand where you could stick it back on
(41:29):
with a little now, skin jack. They watched that bottle of Scotch doing
tied on the front. That's forthe radiator on New Year's Eve. It
looks like the cars gotta hangover already. Benny. You may not be a
snake in the grass, but you'resure hanging around with the rattler's ere.
That's liable, Allen. And ifI had my writers here, what we'd
(41:50):
call you be a poor bell land. They watch that. I'm gon say,
what was that did the engine dropout? No, Smarty, it's
the new sunken motor. And listento this horn that noticed by Sakowski.
(42:16):
Well, how is how is thecar on gas? Well? I get
about four miles to the quart ifI insist, if you if you put
your foot down? Yeah, wellhow much does that make to the gallon?
Well, I never put in agallon. I don't believe in spoiling
a car. You know how itis with gas tanks, easy come,
(42:37):
easy going. Well what do yousay. Well, now that I've had
a good look at this bear trap, Jack, I know why the match
Well people went into the coffee business. Now, Freddie, I'm not begging
you to take this car. OnlyI thought, well, you walk all
(42:59):
the time, you're not getting anyyounger. I think you ought to take
your very close veins out for aspin. One. I want why are
you asking for this rhapsody? AndJohn, I'm asking ninety five dollars f
O B, f O B forold Benny. I'll bottle press if you
(43:22):
don't know, laughing at your nextSunday show, all right, get away.
If you don't know, I'll givea thousand dollars. If I could
think of an answer right now.If you don't know by now that I
don't want that car, you oughtto have your skowl, then all right,
Fred, As long as you don'twant to buy it, I'll tell
(43:43):
you what I'll do. I'll wrapit the cellophane, tie a big red
ribbon around it, and give ithere for Christmas. How was that?
If I wake up Christmas morning andfind that monstrosity in my stocking, I'll
go barefooted the rest of my life. That would be nothing new for you.
You, he'll, Billy, Butyou don't even want to for a
president. I don't want it presidentpast the future. You can take that
(44:04):
animated skill, all right, FredAll right, I merely wanted to be
a good fellow, that's all.You don't want the car, and I
think you don't, I'll be onmy way. No hard feelings at all,
No, Jack, I haven't anythingagainst you, not Danny the man.
I'm just not in the market,that's all. I hope I didn't
offend you. Oh no, Freddie, I'll just have to sell it to
some other guy. Well, merryChristmas, oh boy, named you Jack?
(44:34):
And good life? I ain't Freddie? Goodbye? Hey what was that?
Jack? That's what my car thingsof you allan Frank, you are
(45:00):
now, ladies and gentlemen, verywell done. Match to Benny. You've
come a long way since the lasttime we met. And now then and
now, ladies and gentlemen, let'sall get together and make this coming holiday
a safe, sane and happy one. Will you buy your cap pistols,
roman candles, toy cannon and firecrackers? Be sure? And wait, wait,
(45:21):
wait just a minute, spread Whatholiday are you talking about anyway by
the fourth of July? Of course, Well, Freddy, coming holiday is
Christmas. I know that, Harry, But if you start talking about Christmas
these days, you run into alot of competition. And besides, I
had a message up my sleeve.I want people to be careful. I
want them to be able to enjoytheir holiday. Fred I had a holiday
(45:42):
message also, Oh, Harry,did I spoil it toy you? Oh?
No, Because I want everybody toenjoy the holidays too. I don't
want them to be careful, especiallycareful of a cold, because nothing can
take the merry out of a merryChristmas more completely than a cold. That's
why I hope that during the holidayseveryone will be sure to have a battle
of sal hepatica on hands, becauseso many physicians say you can often help
(46:05):
throw off a cold more quickly ifat at the very beginning, you do
two important and fundamental things. Oneremove accumulated waste, and two counteract the
acidity that so frequently accompanies a cold. And thou Hepatica, ladies and gentlemen,
is an effective mineral salt laxative thatdoes both of those things at once.
It not only removes accumulated waste throughlaxations, but it also helps me
(46:28):
to counteract that acidity. So don'ttake chances on the cold spoiling your holidays.
Take saul hepatica for the smile ofhelp. Now, ladies and channel,
we bring in our theatrical termite whohave gone through their artistic lives trying
to bring down the house the mightyAlinar players. Tonight they present a Christmas
(46:50):
fable. It's called Santa Claus shitchdown or jingle bells shall not ring tonight?
Or but you're pede ask interestation NGI, NGI votes. Our next program
will be just a minute, folks. Here's the bulletin from the Radio News
(47:13):
Bureau. A rumor has just reachedthis that Santa Cause will not ride this
Christmas, un confirmed to Port's rideto out the country. That Santa Claus
is on sitdown strike? What's goingon in Santa Claus's the glue stand by
folks are translated presses investigating the troubleof wheel? Is this the Santa CLAUSA
(47:34):
groom? Yes, I'm missus Claws. I'm sobe to the assassinated press.
I'm here to check on this roomand a Santa Claus refusal to ride this
year. Oh I'm glad to come. I've been fighting with him all week
and here resumed, mister bart Whereis Santa Claus? Now? All the
old fools in the next room stalking? I'll get him. Hey, stand
on, ain't no use coats inMas. You ain't golf. Come on
(47:59):
out. You'll think you've got company. Oh well, what's on your mind?
Son? I'm only a fact thepress Santa Clause I want this?
I oh no, I ain't ridingnow, but this is Christmas? Eve
treeese the lit up, millions ofchildren have hung up their stockings. The
whole world is waiting. Well regardless, I ain't riding. Ain't no use
mister he's seven. Oh, Iain't stubborn neither. I'm sick of being
(48:22):
Santa Claus hold in the bag everyyear. Well, you must have a
reason for quitting. I got plentyof reason. But when you're talking,
the present might swell. I guesswe're not sad a. Why won't you
ride tonight? Well, I'll tellyou, son, It's a long story.
(48:45):
I've been clausing it for nineteen hundredand thirty seven years. Son,
I've been a bringing presence poors thegiddies, loud neckties and handkerchiefs for grown
ups every Christmas. Find the spreadjoy. But my efforts down through the
ages has been a bit of disappointment. My intentions has been good, but
my reward has been nothing but grief. The first double I had was an
(49:07):
ancient Rome. It was Christmas Eveand the cord of Nero the Emperor was
playing a violin concerto. Is yourEmperor the best piddler in Rome? Letters?
Yay, is your king and masterof pitticopo? Ell the old man
(49:32):
on call? Oh what you dog? Begone? Hipp here my crown room?
Eh, now I can play myviolin. I'm alone? Oh,
what's Cli, what fell off ofmy kidness? Very Christmas near o manvery
(49:55):
Christmas? Poor? You love him? You weep. I'm Santa Claus near
all fear and Christmas gifts for yourmajesty cat silks another bascar of fruit from
the Rome Kowaner's club. No,my gift is a trinket, rare,
so rare it hasn't even been inventedyet. Vadkins. What is this tiny
(50:17):
golden box? It's a cigarette lighternear O turn Yon, little wheel Gramercy.
It flames, its flames Christmas erflames wrong, scoff at my fiddle.
Nero have his revenge. Hey,watch that lighter Nearro. You're setting
fire to the draper. I'm settingback to all Rome revenge. Look at
(50:42):
Nero. Oh you see sun.If it wasn't for Santa Claus worm wood
in the bird, well, Iknow that bear. I was finus bread,
good cheer and what did I guess? Sins whiskers. But that was
too on thousand years ago, dearO, is only the start of my
trouble sting. A few centuries later, I had trouble in the little country
(51:06):
to the north of England. ThatChristmas, I had a present for a
young poet, A deep in thewindow. He was right in the sonnet
his mother. Come into the room, mother money, I'm a it's time
you are a bed slot. I'mcomforting the you don't have them a poet,
a poet at your age. Iam Hovey Budon, the youngest totin
(51:27):
of Glens. Are you concosting thelimericks where you one wants to git's no
finish? Come? I think ofa hyle for blade uh pay pay and
a hut so harran daft level willbe lost on that plague where you'd better
(51:49):
find a rhyme in a hurry andgo to bed composing on Christmas. It's
eve, good night for next minute? Oh hurrime Glenn playing games shaving?
Oh why are you coming out ofthat? I'm Sandy Claud Bobby Burns,
(52:09):
No Christmas, what your bunch?I'm Santa Claud Bobby. I brought you
something here? And Raymond Ary,what's one? Let me look? Hi,
pray stay stray will me a twoof whatever wants to say? I
(52:30):
have Bunny Ray my ritman, Jimvery Christmas, Bobby? How much here?
Askin for the Roman? The scenariclause it's Christmas, Bobby, I'm
giving her two you jus say thehelp Christmas A Sandy Haim, I'm fanta
(52:51):
claud. Mister Burns, I onlygave Bobby a Christmas gear, Am Craven.
Let me take him to the holdon, mister Burns, I only
gave your on the present exactly.A man who gives anything away in Scotland
belongs in a parent tell Scotland.I was in the Booby Act there for
(53:12):
thirty days. But that was twohundred years ago, I know. But
a few Christmases later I got araw deal in another suburb of England.
It was called the American Colonies.I dropped in at the house with some
fellow named Paul Revere. His wifewas preparing dinner as Paul came through the
door. Been already shy four,pull up a chair. Oh no,
set my fight on mantle teeth.Can't you sit down? Get for a
(53:35):
there? Why that man was said, ride with last April through every middle
tex village and family once round CentralPark. Effect we are to try and
sit down for Christmas. Hall.It'd be a nice present for your sign
of good Man might be a briefside Paul, the woods full of them,
and then the gunner popped on throughthe door. Who's there a fall
(53:57):
over a father? Call? Sowhat I got for Christmas? Call from
Paul? Ok coul from falk withfalls from follow off and close? Can
I set onto it? You?Fop found my attempt at mate met him.
Man, it might be a brittishkick poll don't open that door on
bumble calls for overall. I've gotmy gun affy out off my dar crack.
(54:19):
Merry Christmas, Paul, look atHiT's this pall a red coat?
Take me now long now fall well, sir. When I got back to
my stay and sat down, Iwas mighty glad. I still had that
cushion full of peach firs. Yousee, Son, the world's given old
sadder. Plenty of travel, butonly severals of years ago, Spana cause
(54:43):
people appreciated today. Wrong son,Only last Christmas and I went down to
a place called Washington d C.I got confused and went down the wrong
chimney. I come out in someoffice. Coming down the chimney, I
heard a man phone in Hello HummingburgConservation crowd Professor Beek speaking two million dollars
for a Huntingbird Community bird Bath inFlorida. I'm mail you check Monday.
(55:07):
Goodbye. What are you doing here? Very Christmas? I'm Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, one of the wagneratcauses. No no, I'm a mysical
character. Oh, a friend ofJim Parley's. No no. I come
(55:27):
down from the North Pole once ayear to give things away. I give
and give all up and down theland to make people happy. You do,
well, you'd better go back tothe pole, Patty. But I'm
standing. Oh you're not the governmentof Santa Claus today, and that was
only last year. Son. That'swhy I'm a spirit's broken being. Santa
(55:50):
Claus is just one pain in theermine after another. Or won't you reconsider
think how the headline will look inthe paper Santa claus On. Sit down,
Well, Santa ain't a getting up, son. This is one Christmas
I'm gonna enjoy and peace. What'sthat clock striking? Well, a clock
center Christmas day? It is?Hey, Well, I ain't moving.
(56:14):
I don't mean nothing to me.I'm sitting here. I'm taking it easy
on, leaning right back here,not getting kicked around this Christmas. Oh
shuh, hey more Santa. Where'smy missy, my bag, my rain
dere, my slave? If I'mgoing more? I thought you said I've
(56:36):
changed my mind. Son, Christmasain't Christmas without Santa Claus. I'm a
given the world one more chance.But what about my story, Santa?
I sit down, change the headline, son, just say fuck. Santa
rides again all we need again.Next Wednesday, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas
(57:16):
will have come and gone. Soright now I want to wish every one
of you the marriers and the happiestkind of a holiday which comes from from
Peter and Harry, and from oursponsors, the makers of Iana Tuesday and
sal Hepatokas, and so then fromall of us to all of you,
Merry Christmas ever long to night's program, Ladies and gentlemen, will be a
(57:52):
good sport from loving his or.And I'm feeling like Amidiam from the Broadway
Melody of nineteen thirty eight. Whetherlady know aboutcast com I ex
An hour of smiles in town HallTonight, Folks, sixty minutes the fun
and music brought to you by IpanaTooth based and Thu Havadica Ipana for the
Trial of Dudu Hapanaka for the Smileof Hell. Fun from Hollywood with our
star comedian Fred Allen, who tonightbrings us Jack Bennet. Music by Peter
Van Steeden, New features, newmusic, new laugh. It's town Hall
(00:30):
Tonight. Listen to that crowd hereis Fred Allam meets great at Stars to
the old town Hall, Brett leadingthe band Restless Panna, followed by those
spas in the theaters size to themighty Ali La players. Let's join,
happy crowd folk. Everybody's going here. They come see demons. How come
(01:00):
you comprest and see second here inSmithy? I am I still dean,
I umping into my lady on ahigh end down old tonight, balloted.
You just came down to set thekick hard? Why are you taking your
balloon up again? Radiopsis better entertative, fair lady, it's town hard to
name these seas, don't tell youlook at the sunken treasure in that wreck.
(01:26):
Mel Yeah, it's the radio downthere, it's still worse and it's
jest Benny tonight. Well, sohere we are before the old town hall,
and there's said with an old oillamp, making light of the folks
as they passed inside. Let's listeneenie meenie miney and the mole and Maria,
(01:47):
folks. All roads lead to theold town Hall. Now, don't
jostle, madam, com the crookright I passed? How long is this
side of It's just standing here tonight, miss yet not all here, but
all there is a Benny you findon the inside with a joke a tune.
And we're starting soon. So Harry, Harry, are you sy prep
you bet Harry, And it's upto see there now. His first number
(02:08):
is be a good sport. Well, I'll drive bred. Let her go,
Peter parts, not on you bea photos big parts. It pays
to be a good user to money, hight monkey, don't try all myself
(02:30):
melt, I'll just make a living. Don't be a sport modest today and
sol the weather reports lovely tomor evenif you live a hundred, life is
still too shorts. So be goody. He's a cout and be the part
(03:00):
he's today the weather report. Loveit to marvel. He's going to be
a hundred. Life is still twoshots. There's a thing that Zella sorrows.
Who's asiary These xylophones are presentilatings andambulance Aire zannak Zany of the cinema,
(03:23):
Fred Allen in person, you'll allagain, little Jack Benny t away,
go away boy, Oh all right, see right away, get away
from this microphone here, good evening. We must get a weather strip put
(03:44):
on the fall. Good evening,ladies and gentlemen. Well we have a
nice night for it this evening.And before the Hollywood Weather Bureau butts in
with a commercial to take the creditfor the weather, I'll read you the
town Hall bullet and for the night. Unwhite, the first to sell bacon
slice so thin that the streets hadto be pinned to the fatty part as
(04:05):
a special announcement. Odd says thatduring the cold fell he's taking out his
dial phones and putting in one ofthe old stylers. Folks. Odd says,
you can't use the dial phone withyour mittens on, and it's so
dog gone cold in the store.If you take your mittens off, it
will frost your hang there so untilit warms up. Odd is inviting all
(04:27):
mitten lovers to stop in and phonein comfort. So much for smart customer
appeal around the village and how forthe town Hall News the curtain Harry for
Curtain pred the curtain for certain alongfellow, hey them will be five to
two, the lights go out andwe bring you the latest news of the
week. The down Hall News seesnothing shows all. Washington, d C.
(04:54):
Government Weather Bureau predicts that backbone ofrecent cold wave is broken and nation
can expect moderate Temperaturists work from nowon Downhall News checking on recent snowstorms and
below zero weather around the country.Interviews prominent citizens affected. Tales of strange
happenings are rampant in the land asreach other recent cold At Bill Dad Nova,
(05:14):
Scotia, Mister Tufton Pump gives offrecord statements. How did you find
the recent snap, mister pomp It'sthe worst storm. I have seen these
sparks in the past ten years,all but one year. Didn't you see
a storm that year? I didn'tsee nothing that year, shun I brought
my dresses. I see. Well, how cold was it? Mister poump
well to give you a rough ideaof our Townshend Trump gave a community sing
(05:39):
last week, and they called onme to solo what happened? It was
so jog gone cold. I openedmy mouth to sing, old man river.
What came out? And I sickledtwo cornerss long. Thank you,
mister pomp and Declaire. Wisconsin.Missus Nadine Whine, a housewive, tells
her strange story. You say itwas real stormy, missus Wwine nod?
(06:03):
Yes, Noah so high yesterday folksgoing by the house were stooping down to
look in my transom. Was ituh? Was it uncomfortable? Indoors?
I was chilled so bad I shookhalf the spots off a poke about mother
Hubbard must have been cold, allright? It was plumb bitter. Why
I sat down on a chair andthought I had a frost bite. Wasn't
(06:27):
it frostbite? No? I wassetting on to my false teeth for Noah's
Thank you, missus Wine at RockawayBeach, New York. Four Dice mess
Baum retired pushcod Barons had gustly experiencein the cold waves. What theok place?
Mister mess Baum? Forever turfening permissionhappens off hole over Sidney. A
(06:49):
cold affect you physically, my poet, physically, but financially. Really what
happened for fifteen years? My neighborGold Club, a pipe bug, but
a good one. He joining meat four dollars yesterday and I'm blizzard.
I am meeting Ghost Club face toface, bears to beards. Me on
meeting the temperatures below below zero,below zero is asking on top of the
(07:12):
miter zero is looking like a haylowyer. But what about ghost Cloud? Gold
Club all of a sudden getting sociable, is saying, Miss brom For fifteen
years, I'm owing your four dollars, and today are catching me in.
I'm oot this apple? Did youget the money? Well, I'm putting
out my hand and the coal totake it, and Lolan give out.
(07:33):
I'm hearing something dropping. Was itthe four dollars? Not four dollars?
It was four of my fingers Aclimber boy, Thank you, mister mess
and Hollywood, California, Miss fernFickle, loyal Californian denies the very existence
of a cold wave. You sayyou didn't observe the sudden change in temperature,
(07:55):
Miss Fickle. In California, onedoesn't discuss the weather with strangers,
mister, why not with strangers onlyentreneur? Why it was freezing? It
was freezing last week? Yeah,zero night. The Chamber of Commerce arranged
it annually. It's to help peoplewith swimming pools. The Chamber of Commerce
wants your swimming pools to freeze.Yes, once a year, we tip
(08:18):
up the ice and sweep out thebottom of the pools. You Californians take
the cake. No, we lowerit back in the pool instantly. You
deny, you denied, You denythe existence of bad weather here in Hollywood
recently. As a loyal Californian,I do why it was so cold last
(08:41):
night? I saw hail coming down. Not hail, tourists. You might
have seen some puffed rain, butnot hail. This is California, thank
you, Miss Fco. Many farmtenants report unusual happenings at Pine Schnuff,
Hawkinsaw. Farmer Conway's strangle is interviewedin his barn. Don't you see the
(09:01):
cold here in your bond farm?A straggle, your turn to and strangers?
The cold in here? Right now, I'm steam heating them hands mess
you you have to heat the nest, sure do. How would you like
to sit down on the nest ofcold straw and fry lay an egg?
Well, I me either. Son, there's the there's the cold body of
(09:22):
cow. You better milk freezes rightat him. I've been getting an out
in steaks, milk steaks. Yeah. Well, look I'll show you.
I'll hold there, Bessie quiet,I'll milk her for you, all right,
easy? If I say take iteasy, I watch this. The
milk comes out about a foot freezesand I snaffer off. Thank you,
(09:58):
Foma strang I go break me offa pine and I'll take it with me.
These flashes have given you an ideaof the present day machine age cold
wave, ladies and gentlemen, Butin the mind of the oldest inhabitant,
the outstanding cold wave ever to sweepthis country occurred during the winter of eighteen
seventy one. On the night ofJanuary second, eighteen seventy one, the
(10:20):
Mercury took a fifty two degree drop. The drop. Now, ladies and
gentlemen, our first guest stars tonightthe Basin street boys. You have heard
their voices many times in musical cartoonsand tonight they sing their latest number.
(10:41):
You drove the gloom away when timestudy and brains and rains sorrow things you
did something swing to me way bringsnow and tree good becomes scuty something to
(11:03):
me? Jo? Does you well? These mamround your say thanks, de
ban's so funny about your painting,and that is all human went slow the
gun and streets good de fun scutysomething to me joejsway fran have something last
(12:01):
sorry old basic jog away, Ohbasic, Joe away now and onemans around
(12:33):
a thank so Ma got you safetyand of the man's when snow on the
run, and Jesus be fun youdid something swinging door Joe away? Do
(12:54):
jog away door door Joe away,honey baby, and now much as it
pains me, And will you mayI present jelow again mister jack Bunny talking?
(13:16):
Will you go away? Oh fook? May I present ladies and chaslemen.
I don't mind riff raff coming inthe audience, But when it comes
to the microphone of author, mayI present mister j Aloysius Grump who sees
(13:41):
all, tells all, and knowsenough. After reading a reliable weather report,
to come in out of the rain, mister grump, I holt ha
ha, I understand. I understandyou're a bit of a prophet in your
spare time. Mister grum. Yousaid it on you said it. I'm
in the no saying, so Ican tell her I have him the hoar
happens. See, And I liketo say right here now that from where
(14:03):
I hit, the outlook's pretty gloomy, pretty goomy. Indeed, what with
with Christmas coming on that, that'sjust my point. Most of the gowns
they'd like to have meat coats forChristmas are gonna get washing machines. Willy
nilly, you said it, father, checking account is gonna have fallen oches,
And then they all people all overthe country will go through the holidays
eating too much and drinking too muchand feeling like the end of a mispan's
(14:24):
life, and there's nothing they cando about it. Oh, now,
come come, mister grump, youare painting a pretty gloomy picture here.
Hips that a lot of us willover indulged during the holidays, and naturally
we will feel stuffy or grousei erhave a headache because that over indulgence is
upset our stomach. But there issomething you can do about it. Ladies
(14:46):
and gentlemen. You can reach fora friendly bottle of style hippatica because so
many physicians will tell you that sluggishunderpar feeling is so often caused by two
things, accumulated waste and gastric acidity. And thou hippataka is a quick acting,
effervescent mineral salt laxative made especially toget after both of these conditions at
once. That's why it is particularlyeffective, ladies and gentlemen, because hapanica
(15:09):
not only removes accumulated waste through laxation, but besides it also counteracts la accidity.
So just put two tea spoonfuls ofsaladicon a glass of water and brink
it. You'll soon be feeling alert, alive, feeling that there is a
Santa Claus. If you'll just remembersal hepatica for the smile of health.
(16:48):
Did that way? Would do it? Peter Van Stephen and the ipanoturb But
(17:27):
ours have just played Limehouse Blue andnow, ladies and gentlemen, you didn't
expect to meet Jello again. There'sa Jack Benny talking, will you get
will you get away from here?Is this Wednesday night or not? Well,
as I were saying, ladies andgentlemen, tonight, you didn't expect
(17:52):
to meet of whom Fred Well rightin back of this radio studio on the
Warner Brothers Law. Here, Harry, there's a gentleman who operates a lunch
wagon day and night. He isa veritable tornado of chopped meat and onions.
For he is a genial merlin whoassembles hamburgers at an instant's notice for
his customers. And his customers,Harry, our only movie and radio celebrity.
(18:15):
Now, I think a man whoworks untold ours to help radio and
movie favorites fend off malnutrition has anodd profession. It's certainly hers press Well.
I've invited him to jump out ofhis frying pan into our fire this
evening and see how it feels tobe grilled himself. And so then,
ladies and gentlemen, tonight, Iknow you didn't expect to meet mister Willie
(18:37):
King. Willie, you always makeall of us feel at home at your
lunch wagon, and Harry and Iwant you to feel at home here with
us tonight. Thank you, MissAllen. I'll do my best. Well.
First, of all, do youjust operate this one lunch wagon in
back of the studio? No,I have six wagons all together. Uh
where are the other five touring cafes? They're in a garage. I only
(18:59):
use them for special location, allbanquets, weddings and things like that.
You mean no when Warner Picture Companiesgo on location or send out my trucks
to third lunch to the access tothe cannon. I see you have the
location concession, right, I'm theonly lunch man with the exclusive concession at
the studio. You haven't any competitionthere? Well, there's one fellow running
(19:19):
a freelance lunch wagon, but hecan muscle in on my territory. A
freelance lunch wagon. It isn't thatfella they call Tomaine Sam? Is it?
I won't mention any names. Whyshould I advertise a competitor? You
all right? Welly? Or tellme? Has you all lunch wagon ever
been in any of the Wanna picturesyet? At the one u ate U
(19:42):
eat was used I'm a fugitive froma chain gang. It was in I'm
a Fugitive from a chain gang?Well, how did it screen for not
being made up? And considering it'sa wagon, it look pretty good.
Well, you are to paint yourwagon red, Willie, and be ready
for taking the color. You thinkit's a bad idea. I think it's
a good I did. There's onethat. Don't mind my voice tonight,
(20:06):
Willie. I'm taking voice lessons fromAndy Devine's teacher exhip, having effected,
but saying, there's one question Iforgot that I should have really asked you
first, Willie, how did youget into this a la caa cafe business?
Well, years ago, I usedto be in picture business. Uh
huh, Now it comes out youwere an actor. Huh. No,
I was assistant director with Larry Seamanand Silent Pictures. What was the last
(20:26):
picture you worked on? The Wizardof Oz? Were there any actors who
are stars today? And the Wizardof Oz? Clark Gabel was an extra
in that picture. He carried aspear. I wonder, I wonder whatever
became of that sphere. I wouldn'tknow, naturally, But how did you
happen to work yourself out from assistantdirecting to owning a lunch wagon? Well?
(20:52):
Well, when the talkies came in, I asked Jack wanted to give
me the Lunchem concession of his studio, and Jack wanted it. Huh,
Yes, Brett, that was twelveyears ago, and thanks to his kindness,
I've been in business ever since.Well I imagine Willie that during the
past twelve years you have sold thesandwich to practically every big star on the
water a lot. Yes, I'veknown them all, and you're acquainted with
all of the Wanner stars today ofcourt. Oh yes, Dick pol Joe
(21:15):
Modell, Edwards, Geo brobism Any, Divine pet O'Brian, Leslie Howard what
does heay? What does Leslie Howardusually have for lunch? Kippers and the
crumpets? No, mister Howard generallyhas coffee and donuts. Well confidentially,
Willie, have you ever caught LeslieHoward dunking? Well, one day I
wait for a laugh, will hewaits for your laugh? Well, one
(21:44):
day when he was drinking his coffee. I did hear his splash? You
heard his splash? Wild? MisterHoward was drinking his coffee? Was les
dunking? No, it's this watchfell in his coffee? Well? Who
else? Folse calories at your tabodotetrailer? Ruby Keeler does ruby like your
hamburgers, she says, at thebest in time. No kidding, Eh,
(22:04):
it's El. What's his name?Her husband L? That fella.
Is he a hamburger at it?No? No, L generally takes his
steaks mothers and ketcher. What aboutBetty Davis? Miss Davis is crazy about
potatoes. I've seen him order friedpotatoes and potato salad in the same plate.
I imagine you treasure the mental pictureyou have of Miss Davis's potatoes among
(22:27):
your starchy souvenirs. Will they There'sno time for sentiment when you're running a
lunch wagon. Press say I've forgottenone of Warner brothers most important stars,
Willie. Have you ever served PaulMuni? Sure, but I have trouble
(22:48):
recognizing him. It looks so differentthan every picture. You've never chased mister
Munie away from the wagon at No, but once when he was making Louis
Petz tour, I kept him waitinghalf an hour. I didn't I didn't
reckonize with his beer on did themister Muni stop in for lunch? I
had Emo Zolar every day. I'dlike to have seen Zola eating a hamburger.
Say, say, if they're goodenough for Paul Muni, they're good
(23:11):
enough for Zolar. You've been chateringthe movie folks, so long? Will
he tell me who eats more?The stars or the extra? Well?
The extra? Usually lots of thesestars are diving while they're working. Have
you ever witnessed any unusual cluttony atyour wagon? Once? I saw bought
the mcclaney five steak sandwiches in therow? Five steak sandwiches? Where is
(23:32):
that an all time fight themIn record? No? I think l lubring the
song? Where there holds the record? Well, I've seen hell. He's
a pretty big boy, almost wayabout two hundred and fifty, I know.
I heard they offered him a jobas a stand in over at the
Alitian Mountain until they get the runawaypod, until they get the runaway pod
(23:52):
back in place. What did Aleat the day he broke your record?
As I recalled, La had twohands sandwiches too, hot dogs, two
almberget salami sandwich with ice cream,and plenty of coffee and tea in between.
What did Al say when he finished? It wasn't the word I get
it? Well? Thanks well,thanks Willy for giving us this opportunity to
(24:18):
put on our optical napkins and takea peek behind you on mount of chopped
steaking on you. It's been apleasure. Fred, you like the radio
business, Hey, it's not bad. You don't have to wear an apron.
I know. But you found asecret of success in your own business,
Willy. You hitched your lunch wagonto a movie star and the Warner
Brothers right every sandwich or Warner brotherproduction. Now before you go, is
(24:41):
there a word of encouragement or adviceyou would like to give to any youngsters
who might be thinking of going intoyour business. All of this freads.
If you're going to be a successmaking Hamburger sandwiches, you've got to make
booth ends meat meat as in Hamburger. I see well, good night,
and thank you, Willie King,Our ladies and gentlemen. The King's man
(25:07):
tonight. The boy says, nobodyloves a river there, but he's mother.
Hammer away, boy, Get me, gotcha, get me got job,
(25:30):
all for one, one for all. That's how it girls played basketball.
Get me, gotcha, get megotcha. That's how I oined me
weekly check. Put a hammer onme shoulder, and the murder around me
neck. Hey, guys, lookat that swell name down below there you
go get me? Hey, howdo you get that hit me there with
the red hot river? I'll lookwhat you do when you colum the boom.
I'm fed up with this lousy job. Anyhow. Why a love a
(25:52):
tailor, a buter or a tailor. But nobody loves the river but his
mom. A girl can love themnumber or some guy even dumber. But
nobody loves the rider but his mother. He'd love a crocle break into a
jewelry shop if she's a cook,he even love. But when we start
to reve it, no woman cannotlive it. So nobody loves the riven,
(26:15):
but his mother. A go canlove protector, a lawyer orchitractor.
Nobody loves the lister but his mother. Nobody loves the rive but his mom.
(26:41):
King Solomon ten thousand wife don't payhis brand and needs one person.
Oh, for goodness say, butwhen we start to live and no woman
cannot live it, nobody loves theriver but his mother. Get me got
your hat? Thank you. Ournext guest, ladies and gentlemen, mister
(27:06):
Eugene Leicester, mister Lester is nota solo. It's by profession. Gene
is the official candid camera man forthe popular radio magazine The Radio GUYE.
Jane, you're out here in Hollywooddoing candid camera work on some of the
radio shows, aren't you. I'dI've been shooting all the shows originating from
the West coast here you have,mauh. What shows have you done recently?
Well, so far, I've donethe Hollywood Marty Grove of Burns,
(27:29):
An Allen's show, Phil Baker,and then I think that fellow sitting over
there in the corner was on oneof them. Oh, mister Benny,
that's the one. Well, you'llknow as soon as you get the things
developed there there's any doubt. Ifthere's any doubt as to what's been going
(27:53):
on Jean and your camera, assoon as you get the stipps developed,
you can let us know. Whenare these going to be in these fatures?
I saw you taking some in oddressrehearsal to day. When are they
going to be in radio GUIDs?Well, these pictures that I've taken today
will be in your issue of RadioGuide on January seventh. January seventh,
And you do I heard you hummingat your work, you know the other
day, and that is the reasonwhy we've sort of invited you to carol
(28:17):
for us this evening. Jeane,you do you do much singing at labittum
besides your camera work. Well,I do a lot of singing in the
dark room where nobody can hear me. Well, but tonight you're going to
come right out with the lights onand see what happens. Uh. You
prefer photography to singing, Well,they sort of both work hand in hand.
Well they do in a way atthat. The only difference is that
(28:38):
a photographer would be ap to tellother people to look out for little Birdie,
whereas the singer would have to lookout for the little birdie himself.
Well but well, all right,Geane, I guess we have exhausted the
(28:59):
fun for the moment. We Yes, we mustn't be too funny now,
because mister Benny is coming along witha sham shortly. And what are you
glad to saying? Jane? Whatwas a new tune called Rosalie that seems
to be pretty popular? Rosie familypicture of the same name. Right,
all right, thank you o,my sim Well, I am all so
(29:48):
much in love. Who wants tomake my life lively and tell me your
willing will be mind more less forgreen lesser ladies and gentlemen, Radio guys,
(30:26):
Tana camera expert. Now, ladiesand gentlemen, if you have no
serious objections, I'd like to conducta little experiment. At the experiment at
this point, you see, someexperts just burst into print with a statement
that radio audiences listen with only halftheir minds and consequently have only a vague
idea of what they hear. Welove you think you can change your effort,
(30:48):
No, Harry, all I wantto do is to prove or disprove
it. Now, if I canjust get someone within the range of these
tired eyes. Well, this gentlemanhere in the front row, do you
listen regularly to this program? Shareevery chance? I guess my public,
would you? Would you mind steppingup to the microphone, jes toshack and
share? Thank you? Now?Will you tell me in your own words
(31:11):
what miss Devant now says every weekabout Ipana toothpaste. Well, I'll try.
Let's see. He recommends Ipana toothpasteand massage, and my dad is
stacked him up on a tooth.He says, you can help keep your
teeth bright and sparkling with the regularuse of Ipanna. Then I think he
makes a very good point when hesays that the soft, creamy food we
eat don't give our gums enough workto do, but if we massage our
(31:34):
gums every day with Ipana toothpaste,we can give them the exercise they need
to help keep them firm and healthy. I guess that just about covers everything
well bred. This gentleman sort ofknocks your experts theory into a cock pad,
doesn't it. Well, of course, mis Devanzel, I've been using
Ipana for a couple of years now, and just lately with one of those
new double duty toothbrudges, so I'vehad plenty of chance to check up on
(31:55):
your statements. Maybe that's why Iremember them so well. Well, whatever
the reason is, we're very indebtedto use not at all, Miss von
Selle. Or there's one more thingI didn't mention it, Well, maybe
we better leave that for Harry.He might feel slighter if we didn't go
ahead, Harry. Well, Idon't know. All that's left for me
to say is since brighter teeth andhealthier guns naturally mean a far more attractive
smile, Ladies and gentlemen, alwaysremember iap hammer for the smile of beauty
(32:23):
Tom Holt, and I will continueimmediately following a short pause for your station
identification. Thank you, Peter andVan Stephen and the Ipano troop. But
(32:52):
always if Judge played a part ofI'm Feeling like a Minyon. We started
our new service a few weeks ago, ladies and jab you know, on
all of the hour programs, rightin the middle where the announcer says it
is station so and so and soand so, the music always sort of
dies out and for a few briefseconds you miss part of the tune.
So a week after week now weare going to give you back the few
(33:15):
little bars of music you've missed whenthe announcer speaks in our program, will
you play the few strange there PeterFart please, thank you very much.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, ifyou fit that back into the parts you
(33:36):
heard before the announcers, fo youhave I'm Feeling like a million Now on
Friday night, the port Service StringEnsemble, well do you mind I fire
about miss the hour? Why no, Portland into each life, some rain
must fall unless unless one lives inpalm springs, of course, or unless
(33:57):
one is an old name. Whatis an old man to do with no
rain falling in her life? Ifan old maid never gets married, she
never gets a shower. Do yousee turbo shower? As long as she's
healthy? What is this? Igot a suprise for you tonight, mister
Alice. Big surprise. Now,look, Portland, this is the day
of digest publications, concentrated foods andcapsule criticism. Couldn't you sense the trend
(34:24):
and show up with a little surprise? But this is the biggest thing you've
had on the program this year.Hello again for the fourth time. Now
love Portland. A thing on theprogram. We don't need stuff. I
don't mind, but not a thing. But mister Allen, it isn't a
(34:45):
thing. This is an old trendof yours, from the days of Boatville.
If it's auto the train seal,throw him a fish and tell him
I'm business. I'll wait a minute, Fred, If you'll just take your
nose that one you used to talkthrough out of that microphone, you'll see
that it's me, Oh Jack JackDenny. Well, I'm wait a minute.
(35:07):
As the reception goes in there forit doesn't he it was. I
was worried there for a minute.Well you've been on four times. If
you all took a little bit eachtime, as Betty, you get it
all at once like that let herfile up. Well, I'm terribly sorry,
(35:28):
Jack, I didn't notice. Seehow long have you been standing there?
Since eight o'clock this morning? They'vebeen using me instead of the bullevard
watch time? I think Jack,didn't Mary come along with you? No
party. She wanted to come over, but she's busy with her Christmas shopping,
Christmas chopping. Yeah, right nowshe's over a Bullocks wheelchair putting me
through banks. That's just may anidea. How he holds that along forty
(35:52):
Well, Jack, this is quitea surprise you dropping in. I didn't
know you were going to be heretonight. I didn't know it either,
Fred until I heard you announced itfive times last week. But don't get
me wrong, Freddie, I appreciatethat build up. I'm one guy who
knows that it pays to advertise.Now, I'll listen here, Benny.
If that's a hint, you arenot getting one cent for crawling in here
(36:14):
tonight, and you know it.Why, Fred, I really I didn't
expect to get paid for this.I haven't any more right to take money
for working on this program than youhave you for a while now, so
(36:38):
John Chad jokes, they'll hold youfor a while, and now hold on
many, hold on, man,Denny, that's an install hollow Waif if
I was Professor Quiz, i'd saycorrect, absolutely correct. And if I
was Major Bowls, you'd have leftwith a unit ten minutes ago. Hey,
(36:58):
that's nice work if you can getit. I wouldn't mind being back
Infordville again, though, would you. Ah? Those were the good old
day? Yes, slay fred Nokid, Will you ever forget the time
you and I were together at theOrpheum Theater in Sous City, Iowa.
Yeah, only I was on thestage. I don't care, Freddy.
I made more money selling peanuts andone day than you did all week.
(37:23):
Well, Jack, I didn't makemuch money in those days, but I
was a pretty good juggler. Rememberhow I used to toss those Indian clubs
in the air and do a funnymonologue at the same time. I sure
do. Bred You remember when youdropped those clubs, you'd let them lay
there right alongside of your joke.Yep, Well you ought to know you
(37:45):
swept up the theater every night.I did not. I used to stay
in the theater lay just to practicemy violin. And you should have stuck
to your broom. I should havestuck to my program too. I had
asked for this, yes, butyou had to write that. Yes.
(38:08):
Well right, anyway, A lotof water is going over the dawn.
Since then love over the dawn?Yes, Bred, you know how careful
we have to be. But justthink, ready, just think here we
are both in Hollywood, and bothof us a pictures. It does seem
(38:30):
unreasonable, doesn't of course? Bread? Maybe I shouldn't point this out,
but I I do make a lotmore pictures than you do. Well,
Jack, there's so little of youin each one you have to make all.
Oh is that why they do it? I'm glad you brought that a
(38:52):
How do you like pictures? Bred? Fine? Jack? I just finished
one called Sally, Irene and Mary. I'm leaving for New York next week.
Oh, they're releasing you instead ofthe pictures. Now, Benny,
if you're here to drift venom,Heed, you'll promiscuous spattering. And remember,
the distribution is the trailer that followsoral pollution. Alan, You're just
(39:14):
lucky. I don't know what you'retalking about. Anyway. I had a
hunch you were going back east,Bred and mat why came up here to
see you? Have you decided whichway you're going back? I mean,
uh, which form of transportation?Well, I was going to take the
boat and go through Panama, butI've got a hat, so I decided
(39:37):
to I decided to take the train, well, Bred, I of course
I don't want to influence you oneway or the other. But have you
ever thought of driving back east?You know, by automobile or what kind
of an automobile? Now, don'trush me. And it's in good condition
(39:59):
too, no kidding. Would youlike to drive back home? Breddy?
No, Jack, I'll stick tothe Chief if you'd rather hang around with
Indians. For you, the Chiefis a train, as you will find
out when you finish your next picture. Mister Bennet say, why do you
tind to get at anyway? Well, friend, I own a Maxwell and
(40:21):
I thought that you don't think youcan palm that ten nightmare off on me?
I hope why I wouldn't be founddead in that car? They you're
no better than the engine. Whythe engine in that steam cabinet is so
dead? The front wheels are nothingbut rubber pot Where is that uncovered wagon?
(40:45):
It's right outside the door. Heyboy boy, aybody, will you
drive my maxwell in please? I'llbe careful, fellas it's the high power
bar there, you know, fightingair boys fighting here. I wanted to
leave a guy here, missus Benny. Yeah, yeah, thanks fella.
Hey, what's that noise? Noise? I'll put off the order till we
(41:07):
can hear it. That's better,Hey, mister Benny, I guess this
belongs to you. Oh the door? Yes, thanks, I went to
closes and it came off of myhand where you could stick it back on
(41:29):
with a little now, skin jack. They watched that bottle of Scotch doing
tied on the front. That's forthe radiator on New Year's Eve. It
looks like the cars gotta hangover already. Benny. You may not be a
snake in the grass, but you'resure hanging around with the rattler's ere.
That's liable, Allen. And ifI had my writers here, what we'd
(41:50):
call you be a poor bell land. They watch that. I'm gon say,
what was that did the engine dropout? No, Smarty, it's
the new sunken motor. And listento this horn that noticed by Sakowski.
(42:16):
Well, how is how is thecar on gas? Well? I get
about four miles to the quart ifI insist, if you if you put
your foot down? Yeah, wellhow much does that make to the gallon?
Well, I never put in agallon. I don't believe in spoiling
a car. You know how itis with gas tanks, easy come,
(42:37):
easy going. Well what do yousay. Well, now that I've had
a good look at this bear trap, Jack, I know why the match
Well people went into the coffee business. Now, Freddie, I'm not begging
you to take this car. OnlyI thought, well, you walk all
(42:59):
the time, you're not getting anyyounger. I think you ought to take
your very close veins out for aspin. One. I want why are
you asking for this rhapsody? AndJohn, I'm asking ninety five dollars f
O B, f O B forold Benny. I'll bottle press if you
(43:22):
don't know, laughing at your nextSunday show, all right, get away.
If you don't know, I'll givea thousand dollars. If I could
think of an answer right now.If you don't know by now that I
don't want that car, you oughtto have your skowl, then all right,
Fred, As long as you don'twant to buy it, I'll tell
(43:43):
you what I'll do. I'll wrapit the cellophane, tie a big red
ribbon around it, and give ithere for Christmas. How was that?
If I wake up Christmas morning andfind that monstrosity in my stocking, I'll
go barefooted the rest of my life. That would be nothing new for you.
You, he'll, Billy, Butyou don't even want to for a
president. I don't want it presidentpast the future. You can take that
(44:04):
animated skill, all right, FredAll right, I merely wanted to be
a good fellow, that's all.You don't want the car, and I
think you don't, I'll be onmy way. No hard feelings at all,
No, Jack, I haven't anythingagainst you, not Danny the man.
I'm just not in the market,that's all. I hope I didn't
offend you. Oh no, Freddie, I'll just have to sell it to
some other guy. Well, merryChristmas, oh boy, named you Jack?
(44:34):
And good life? I ain't Freddie? Goodbye? Hey what was that?
Jack? That's what my car thingsof you allan Frank, you are
(45:00):
now, ladies and gentlemen, verywell done. Match to Benny. You've
come a long way since the lasttime we met. And now then and
now, ladies and gentlemen, let'sall get together and make this coming holiday
a safe, sane and happy one. Will you buy your cap pistols,
roman candles, toy cannon and firecrackers? Be sure? And wait, wait,
(45:21):
wait just a minute, spread Whatholiday are you talking about anyway by
the fourth of July? Of course, Well, Freddy, coming holiday is
Christmas. I know that, Harry, But if you start talking about Christmas
these days, you run into alot of competition. And besides, I
had a message up my sleeve.I want people to be careful. I
want them to be able to enjoytheir holiday. Fred I had a holiday
(45:42):
message also, Oh, Harry,did I spoil it toy you? Oh?
No, Because I want everybody toenjoy the holidays too. I don't
want them to be careful, especiallycareful of a cold, because nothing can
take the merry out of a merryChristmas more completely than a cold. That's
why I hope that during the holidayseveryone will be sure to have a battle
of sal hepatica on hands, becauseso many physicians say you can often help
(46:05):
throw off a cold more quickly ifat at the very beginning, you do
two important and fundamental things. Oneremove accumulated waste, and two counteract the
acidity that so frequently accompanies a cold. And thou Hepatica, ladies and gentlemen,
is an effective mineral salt laxative thatdoes both of those things at once.
It not only removes accumulated waste throughlaxations, but it also helps me
(46:28):
to counteract that acidity. So don'ttake chances on the cold spoiling your holidays.
Take saul hepatica for the smile ofhelp. Now, ladies and channel,
we bring in our theatrical termite whohave gone through their artistic lives trying
to bring down the house the mightyAlinar players. Tonight they present a Christmas
(46:50):
fable. It's called Santa Claus shitchdown or jingle bells shall not ring tonight?
Or but you're pede ask interestation NGI, NGI votes. Our next program
will be just a minute, folks. Here's the bulletin from the Radio News
(47:13):
Bureau. A rumor has just reachedthis that Santa Cause will not ride this
Christmas, un confirmed to Port's rideto out the country. That Santa Claus
is on sitdown strike? What's goingon in Santa Claus's the glue stand by
folks are translated presses investigating the troubleof wheel? Is this the Santa CLAUSA
(47:34):
groom? Yes, I'm missus Claws. I'm sobe to the assassinated press.
I'm here to check on this roomand a Santa Claus refusal to ride this
year. Oh I'm glad to come. I've been fighting with him all week
and here resumed, mister bart Whereis Santa Claus? Now? All the
old fools in the next room stalking? I'll get him. Hey, stand
on, ain't no use coats inMas. You ain't golf. Come on
(47:59):
out. You'll think you've got company. Oh well, what's on your mind?
Son? I'm only a fact thepress Santa Clause I want this?
I oh no, I ain't ridingnow, but this is Christmas? Eve
treeese the lit up, millions ofchildren have hung up their stockings. The
whole world is waiting. Well regardless, I ain't riding. Ain't no use
mister he's seven. Oh, Iain't stubborn neither. I'm sick of being
(48:22):
Santa Claus hold in the bag everyyear. Well, you must have a
reason for quitting. I got plentyof reason. But when you're talking,
the present might swell. I guesswe're not sad a. Why won't you
ride tonight? Well, I'll tellyou, son, It's a long story.
(48:45):
I've been clausing it for nineteen hundredand thirty seven years. Son,
I've been a bringing presence poors thegiddies, loud neckties and handkerchiefs for grown
ups every Christmas. Find the spreadjoy. But my efforts down through the
ages has been a bit of disappointment. My intentions has been good, but
my reward has been nothing but grief. The first double I had was an
(49:07):
ancient Rome. It was Christmas Eveand the cord of Nero the Emperor was
playing a violin concerto. Is yourEmperor the best piddler in Rome? Letters?
Yay, is your king and masterof pitticopo? Ell the old man
(49:32):
on call? Oh what you dog? Begone? Hipp here my crown room?
Eh, now I can play myviolin. I'm alone? Oh,
what's Cli, what fell off ofmy kidness? Very Christmas near o manvery
(49:55):
Christmas? Poor? You love him? You weep. I'm Santa Claus near
all fear and Christmas gifts for yourmajesty cat silks another bascar of fruit from
the Rome Kowaner's club. No,my gift is a trinket, rare,
so rare it hasn't even been inventedyet. Vadkins. What is this tiny
(50:17):
golden box? It's a cigarette lighternear O turn Yon, little wheel Gramercy.
It flames, its flames Christmas erflames wrong, scoff at my fiddle.
Nero have his revenge. Hey,watch that lighter Nearro. You're setting
fire to the draper. I'm settingback to all Rome revenge. Look at
(50:42):
Nero. Oh you see sun.If it wasn't for Santa Claus worm wood
in the bird, well, Iknow that bear. I was finus bread,
good cheer and what did I guess? Sins whiskers. But that was
too on thousand years ago, dearO, is only the start of my
trouble sting. A few centuries later, I had trouble in the little country
(51:06):
to the north of England. ThatChristmas, I had a present for a
young poet, A deep in thewindow. He was right in the sonnet
his mother. Come into the room, mother money, I'm a it's time
you are a bed slot. I'mcomforting the you don't have them a poet,
a poet at your age. Iam Hovey Budon, the youngest totin
(51:27):
of Glens. Are you concosting thelimericks where you one wants to git's no
finish? Come? I think ofa hyle for blade uh pay pay and
a hut so harran daft level willbe lost on that plague where you'd better
(51:49):
find a rhyme in a hurry andgo to bed composing on Christmas. It's
eve, good night for next minute? Oh hurrime Glenn playing games shaving?
Oh why are you coming out ofthat? I'm Sandy Claud Bobby Burns,
(52:09):
No Christmas, what your bunch?I'm Santa Claud Bobby. I brought you
something here? And Raymond Ary,what's one? Let me look? Hi,
pray stay stray will me a twoof whatever wants to say? I
(52:30):
have Bunny Ray my ritman, Jimvery Christmas, Bobby? How much here?
Askin for the Roman? The scenariclause it's Christmas, Bobby, I'm
giving her two you jus say thehelp Christmas A Sandy Haim, I'm fanta
(52:51):
claud. Mister Burns, I onlygave Bobby a Christmas gear, Am Craven.
Let me take him to the holdon, mister Burns, I only
gave your on the present exactly.A man who gives anything away in Scotland
belongs in a parent tell Scotland.I was in the Booby Act there for
(53:12):
thirty days. But that was twohundred years ago, I know. But
a few Christmases later I got araw deal in another suburb of England.
It was called the American Colonies.I dropped in at the house with some
fellow named Paul Revere. His wifewas preparing dinner as Paul came through the
door. Been already shy four,pull up a chair. Oh no,
set my fight on mantle teeth.Can't you sit down? Get for a
(53:35):
there? Why that man was said, ride with last April through every middle
tex village and family once round CentralPark. Effect we are to try and
sit down for Christmas. Hall.It'd be a nice present for your sign
of good Man might be a briefside Paul, the woods full of them,
and then the gunner popped on throughthe door. Who's there a fall
(53:57):
over a father? Call? Sowhat I got for Christmas? Call from
Paul? Ok coul from falk withfalls from follow off and close? Can
I set onto it? You?Fop found my attempt at mate met him.
Man, it might be a brittishkick poll don't open that door on
bumble calls for overall. I've gotmy gun affy out off my dar crack.
(54:19):
Merry Christmas, Paul, look atHiT's this pall a red coat?
Take me now long now fall well, sir. When I got back to
my stay and sat down, Iwas mighty glad. I still had that
cushion full of peach firs. Yousee, Son, the world's given old
sadder. Plenty of travel, butonly severals of years ago, Spana cause
(54:43):
people appreciated today. Wrong son,Only last Christmas and I went down to
a place called Washington d C.I got confused and went down the wrong
chimney. I come out in someoffice. Coming down the chimney, I
heard a man phone in Hello HummingburgConservation crowd Professor Beek speaking two million dollars
for a Huntingbird Community bird Bath inFlorida. I'm mail you check Monday.
(55:07):
Goodbye. What are you doing here? Very Christmas? I'm Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, one of the wagneratcauses. No no, I'm a mysical
character. Oh, a friend ofJim Parley's. No no. I come
(55:27):
down from the North Pole once ayear to give things away. I give
and give all up and down theland to make people happy. You do,
well, you'd better go back tothe pole, Patty. But I'm
standing. Oh you're not the governmentof Santa Claus today, and that was
only last year. Son. That'swhy I'm a spirit's broken being. Santa
(55:50):
Claus is just one pain in theermine after another. Or won't you reconsider
think how the headline will look inthe paper Santa claus On. Sit down,
Well, Santa ain't a getting up, son. This is one Christmas
I'm gonna enjoy and peace. What'sthat clock striking? Well, a clock
center Christmas day? It is?Hey, Well, I ain't moving.
(56:14):
I don't mean nothing to me.I'm sitting here. I'm taking it easy
on, leaning right back here,not getting kicked around this Christmas. Oh
shuh, hey more Santa. Where'smy missy, my bag, my rain
dere, my slave? If I'mgoing more? I thought you said I've
(56:36):
changed my mind. Son, Christmasain't Christmas without Santa Claus. I'm a
given the world one more chance.But what about my story, Santa?
I sit down, change the headline, son, just say fuck. Santa
rides again all we need again.Next Wednesday, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas
(57:16):
will have come and gone. Soright now I want to wish every one
of you the marriers and the happiestkind of a holiday which comes from from
Peter and Harry, and from oursponsors, the makers of Iana Tuesday and
sal Hepatokas, and so then fromall of us to all of you,
Merry Christmas ever long to night's program, Ladies and gentlemen, will be a
(57:52):
good sport from loving his or.And I'm feeling like Amidiam from the Broadway
Melody of nineteen thirty eight. Whetherlady know aboutcast com I ex
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