Episode Transcript
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I'm Ali Sop your beauty Hope andbluster cream shampoo for soft, glamorous dream
girl hair. Bring you Our MissBrooks starring Eve Arden. Our Miss Brooks
teaches English at Madison High School.And although one day in the life of
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a school teacher is pretty much thesame as the next, at night,
you well, perhaps we'd better letConnie Brooks speak for herself. Although one
day in the life of a schoolteacher is pretty much the same as the
next, at night, you wishyou were dead after I'm bored? How
could I be with mister Philip Boytonteaching biology at Madison. Of course,
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every new frog he gets in hislaboratory represents an arch rival, but I
shouldn't complain. It gives me anadded interest in life. Each morning,
before I get out of bed,I look down to see if I'm getting
webbed feet somehow Ever, since we'vebeen on the faculty together, mister Boyton
just doesn't seem to think of meas a woman. I can't quite understand
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that, because when I think ofmister Boyton, I always think of me
as a woman. And I almostalways think of mister Boynton or dream about
him like the other morning around seventwenty five. Oh, of course,
Philip, I'd love to go dancingwith you. When will you come for
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me? That's quick work, mecoming? May I come in? Oh
it's missus Davis. Come in,Missus Davis. I thought your alarm clock
went off. It's so loud andnerve wrecking. I'm pretty used to it
by now, Missus Davis. Ialways like to clear my throat before I
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pour orange juice in. Well,I guess I better get up and perform
my morning ablutions like they say.You can a blue later, Connie,
he seems right where you are.Oh but Missus Davis at seven point thirty,
No, no it didn't. Iset the clock a half hour ahead.
But why snap? Snap? That'sright. They want pictures of you
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from the minute you first wake uptill you go to sleep. Who does
snap? You're faded er? Whatis all this about? Missus Davis?
Snapped the magazine Connie. Some timeago I read that they were looking for
the ideal American teacher for an interview. The next thing I knew, the
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layout editor was here in town,and it called me up for an appointment
with you me But why me?I guess somebody recommended you as the mother
teacher. Somebody like who, somebodylike me? I wrote them all about
you, what a wonderful teacher youare, and how all your pupils love
you. Oh, you wouldn't havedone that, missus David. I didn't
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what. I discovered the letter inmy desk this morning. I'd forgotten the
mail it, so it must havebeen somebody. And who oh, here
they are, Connie. They've beenwaiting in the living room. But missus
Davis, I'm not dressed. Comeon, insult snap snaps the school teacher.
Where is a little lady? Ihear she is well and not such
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a little lady after all, Toutsy'sreached all the way over the end of
the dead. Go to my stockingshanging over the rail. My name is
Peterson, Pete to my friends,and this is missus Forrest. How do
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you do if you're just waiting inthe living room for a few minutes,
I'll get myself out. Frankly,miss Brooks, we'd rather start in here.
You see. I'm the layout editor. That's nice, but before you
lay me out, I have tocomb my hair and wash my face.
I wish you wouldn't just put yourhead back on the pillow for a minute,
will you. Oh, but youpose the way the folks want you
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to. Kennie, I'm going tomake some breakfast for all of us.
Swell, that'll be our second shot. Snap snaps the school teacher snapping up
for breakfast. Good huh, verysnappy. Minutes now, as I was
saying, my dear, we don'twant you to do a thing for this
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picture. Realism is what our readerswant. The eyelids practically stuck together,
little straggly clumps of hair flopping overthe ears, and those little tired lines
around the mouth that looks like itjust tasted the raw lamb shark. We
want you just the way you are. Thank you have you pickture Paulbarrows.
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Yet that's just what we want.That's smiling. Look when the teacher first
gets up in the morning. Gotit? Now? Listen you, geez,
we're going to be together all day. It will be much more pleasant
for all of us if you cooperate. Well, it isn't that I don't
want to cooperate. It's just thatI don't like to have my picture taken
without a little makeup, even ifit's only an inch or two like you've
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got off. You're exaggerating a littlel aren't you. I use very little
makeup. A dab here and adab there. You're a dab. They're
a dab everywhere, A dab debbno, miss forrest. I'm not sure
I really want this spread. Iknow, dear, but when a woman
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reaches a certain age, some spreadis inevitable. Oh a magazine. Oh
yes, well, let's talk aboutit after breakfast. I'm starved. Good
will you join us at the table? Or do you want your saucer of
milk on the back fence? Will? I hope you enjoyed my pancakes,
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you know the better is my ownintention? Or really, watchn't it if
she tells you you'll never eat themagain? Instead of eggs, I use
hot peanut oil. Then to thecustomary amount of flour and milk, I
had half a cup of baking powdermixed with corn meal, two cups of
yummy yogurt, and while the wholething is being fripped in the mixmaster,
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I'd gradually add a teaspoonful of cidervinegar and just a sleageon of goose liver.
She's got a recipe for stuffed cabbage. That would send you screaming into
the hills. Oh, my canny, it isn't that good. Well,
I'll help you clear the table,missus Davis. Oh, get a shot
of this school teacher helps out withchores at home before going to classroom.
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Up here, take a stack ofdisious miss Brooks. All right, I
don't mind you're taking my picture somuch now that I'm dressed. Well,
I don't blame you, my dear. That's a very nice suit shark skin,
isn't it, Yes, it is. It's such durable material. One
can tell at a glance that it'sworn you for years. You're very observant.
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It would be a shame to seethose great big eyes of yours closed
for a while. I think maybeyou'd better get somebody else for these pictures.
But Conney, think of the prestigeit will give you at school.
It will, of course everybody makinga fuss over you. Why, I
bet it would make even mister Boyntonsit up and beg mister Boynton, Uh,
the school mascot. He's a schnauzer. Don't try to pet him because
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he snaps. Oh, never mind, don't worry about it. I've changed
my mind. You can take allthe pictures you want. Oh that must
be Walter Denton. He said he'dpicked me up this morning. Oh that's
right. Your car's in the repairshop again, isn't it, Connie.
Oh you own a car, MissBrooks, Yes, I do. Well,
what kind of a car? Well? I had a brand new forty
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nine Hudson, but I didn't wantto show off, so I traded it
for a thirty two stutsm Walter.Oh, Walter, Eh, must be
nice to have a man call foryou in the morning. Who is he?
The well known absent minded professor?No, dear, this one's more
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your type. Oh, sixteen yearsold and he can't run very fast?
Say you think waldn't mind if weride down to school with you, Missus
Brooks. Oh, I guess it'llbe all right. Come along, good
bye, Missus Davis, goodbye,Miss Forrest. Thanks for breakfast after school,
Missus Davis, I'll help you sterilizethe mixmaster. Well, good morning,
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Walter boy. Somebody looks yummy thismorning. Why Walter, do you
really think so? I sure do, Miss Brooks. Where did you meet
her? Oh you mean miss Forrest. Missus Forrest mister Peterson, meet Walter
Denton there with Snap magazine. Walter. Hi, well, I'm certainly glad
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to make your acquaintance, mister Denton. What subject do you teach at Madison
High? Teach? I'm not ateacher, although I do coach some of
the younger students and subjects that justnaturally come easy to me, like a
lunch period and study. Hall.Well, it was a natural mistake.
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You seem so gallant, so worldly, mister Denton. I just call me
Walter, all right, Walter,then you must call me Stephanie. I
must gosh, do you really thinkI'm worldly? Stephanie, I certainly do.
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I knew this morning was gonna bedifferent, even though it started out
like all the other crummy mornings inmy life. On my way over here,
I just I felt that something romanticwas going to happen, and sure
enough here you are. Why,Walter, what a lovely speech. It's
not a speech, It's merely whatI feel, Stephanie. Shall we go
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to school now, Walter, orjust stay here in the kasbar our Miss
Brooks starring Eve Arden will continue injust a moment, But first, here
is Vern Smith with an important announcement, ladies, what's your complexion problem?
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My skins so dingy, mine's oily, My skin's dull. Course, looking
for a lovelier complexion, you muststop improper cleansing. Instead use palmaly soap
the way doctors advised. Leading skinspecialists have not proved the palmaly plan.
Using nothing but palmaly soap can bringfresher, brighter complexions. Yes, regardless
of age, tycle skin, orprevious beauty care. Now here's what these
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doctors advise. Wash your face withpalm olive soap, massaging for one minute
with palm Olive's soft, lovely lather. This cleansing massage brings your skin palmolive
soap's full dutifying effect. Rinse.Do this three times a day for fourteen
days. It's that simple, Butremember thirty six doctors leading skin specialists advised
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this way for one two hundred andeighty five women with all types of skin,
dry, oily, normal, young, older, and proved this plan
using palm olive alone. Nothing elsereally works for two out of three.
So for a lovelier complexion, forgetall other beauty care. Instead, do
as these doctors advised. Use pomalivfor a fresher, brighter complexion, for
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loveliness all over. Use big thriftybath size pomalive in your tub or shower.
You know, folks, when Iread that Snap magazine was looking for
a model teacher, I was goingto write in and suggest miss Brooks.
But then the midterm exams came alongand I got kind of busy and I
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but honest, I was going tomiss Brooks. Thanks anyway, Walter,
I think is her picture going toappear on the cover when the story comes
out? I imagine Zoe Walton,Gee, that's great. It'll sure be
a relief from those pictures of glamorousyoung girls in bathing suits with legs.
It may come as a shock toyou, Walter, but I've got legs
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myself. You have, Yeah,of course they may not be as pretty
as Marlena Dietrichs. But then I'mnot a grandmother either. You're not look
brand, said one. Maybe webetter change the subject. Miss Forrest is
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Stephanie. After you get through takingpictures of Miss Brooks at school, you
ought to get some of the facultymaltop this afternoon malt hoop. Well,
the faculty call it a tea dance, but we call it a malt hop
because it's held in Weber's mall shop. Oh it sounds fascinating. Yeah,
they serve a wonderful malt there.Their slogan is our malts are too thick
to sip through a straw, youhave to eat it with a spoon.
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Some of them even too thick toeat with a spoon. Some of them
are even too thick to dancing.We've got a swell jupox and a cute
little dance floor. If before weget to school, Stephanie, I'd like
to ask you, would you couldyou? She wouldn't? You couldn't.
You'll be there ten minutes ahead ofyou. Well, miss Brooks, you
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sound a little put out. Youwent, by any chance expecting Walter to
ask you to the hop? Me, no, I go with a girl.
Why, Walter, I'm surprised atyou. What do you think Miss
Brooks is a black border racer withteeth. I didn't mean to hurt your
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feelings, Miss Brooks. Oh youdidn't, Walder, I'm used to it.
I was just wondering about Harriet Conklin. Didn't you have a date with
her for this afternoon? Oh?Sure, but there was nothing definite about
it. I merely asked her ifshe wanted to go to the hop and
she said yes. Oh, Ididn't know it was that tentative. I
guess you're going to the dance withmister Boynton Hamus Brooks. Oh did they
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let schnauzers in sneers? Oh,it was just a joke, Walder.
I referred to mister Boynton as ourmascot. He's really the biology teacher at
Madison, Miss Forrest, and whata teacher? Boy? Is he good
looking? Oh? Really, Walter, Yeah, he's tall, dark,
handsome, stoop shoulder knocked me crosseyes. Hey is mister school? Oh
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yeah, it almost passed it.Yes, I was looking at somebody on
my right. Well, if you'lljust turn your head, Walder, you'll
see Harriet approaching on your left.Good morning, Walder, Miss Brooks,
Oh, I didn't know you hadpassengers. Well, this is Miss Forrest
and mister Peterson. Harriet. They'rehere from Snap magazine. How do you
do I if you'll excuse me,I'd like to get some atmosphere shots at
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the campus. Oh yes, dothat? People? Snappers picked Miss brook
as a model American teacher Oh,that's wonderful, miss Brook And what a
coincidence. Coincidence Harriet. Yes,when I read about it, I sat
right down and wrote them a letterrecommending you well, thank you, Harry.
But of all the silly things todo, I forgot to put a
stamp on it. He just cameback the other day. That's just like
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a child of your age, Harriet. What do you mean child Walter?
You see, Stephanie, this isthe infant I allowed to toddle at my
heels when I'm not involved with somemore glamorous creature like yourself, Walter,
getting what gotten into you on thiscrummy morning? Walter's become a man of
the world. Well, I'd betterfind a place to park, Hollows It
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want to better get out here inthis Brooks. I'll hinterer you, but
I'll go with you, Walter,and then walk you back to school.
And I was hoping you would,Miss Brook. I don't like the way
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that woman looks at Walter. Idon't like the way that woman looks period.
She's certainly a chic in a cobralike sort of way. Has she
seen mister Boyton yet? Fite yourtongue? Girl? Well, I think
you ought to get permission from Daddybefore you go through with this interview.
After all, he is Madison's principal. Harriet, you've given me an idea.
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I must admit I kind of likedall the attention because I thought it
would make mister Boyton sit up andtake notice. But I never stopped to
think that they might sit up andnotice the wrong thing. Well, maybe
Daddy won't consent to the interview.Then you'll have to clear right out.
Harriet. You are wise beyond youryears now. If you'll excuse me,
I'm off to beg for your father'sunpermission. I mean, could I talk
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to you for a moment, misterConklin, I'm all here is Miss Brooks.
Yes, h mister Concklan. Snapmagazine wants to do a layout on
me as a model teacher for nineteenforty eight you, Miss Brooks, Isn't
it ridiculous? They've sent a MissForrest and a mister Peterson to take pictures
of me and the unpainted school andthe overcrowded classrooms and the strained looks on
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the faces of the pupils. Ican't allow that, Miss Brooks. Of
course, you can't. I mean, you can certainly not. It's beneath
the dignity of Madison high Way,Beneath mister Cocklan. I've always looked upon
Madison high and his teachers as myfamily. And it's the first rule of
a family that its problems be keptto itself, strictly to itself. We
should not hang out our wash forevery Tom Dick and Harry to see.
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Tom Dick and Harry should not seeour wash. Now, it won't do
you any good to arguments, Brooks. I've made up my mind. Publicity
is nothing but a cheap, parasiticdevice designed to prey on the unfettered appetites
of the unsuspected publicity. The doorwas opened, So oh you must be
mister Conklan. I've been looking forwardto meeting you, mister Conklin. I'm
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Stephanie Forrest of Snap Magazine. Won'tyou sit down, Miss Forrest. I'll
be with you in a moment.As I was saying, Miss Brooks,
publicity is the foremost blessing of ourcentury. It makes the unknown know,
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It brings information and joy into thehome of everyone. I can just see
Tom Dick and Harry peeking at mywash, Miss Forrest, I was just
explaining to miss Brooks what this wonderfulexploitation will mean to Madison High, and
it's problem. Oh, I'm soglad you see it that way. Mister
Conklorane, You and I will haveto work together on this, your advice
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on so many things. Oh becausemiss oh, well, let's not be
so formal. You can call meStephanie, and you can call me Osgoode,
you can call me a doctor.I mean, well, then it's
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all settled. I'll get a holdof Peter and we'll start shooting Miss Brooks
at once. Fine, I'll bringmy own blindfold. Oh I didn't know
you were busy, sir. Well, I am boyn and you'd better come
back later. So you, misterBoynton, Well, no wonder I've heard
so much about Madison's biology department.Well, thank you, miss miss uh
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don't look at me. I neversaw her before in my life. Miss
Brooks has such a quaint sense ofhumor. My name is Stephanie Forrest,
but you can call her miss Forestif you want to live to see her.
Frogs again? What's that, MissBrooks? Never mind, Miss Brooks,
now Boyton, what do you mean? Now, Miss Brooks, will
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you stop mumbling? Poydon? MissForrest here is going to do a story
on Miss Brooks for Snap magazine.Oh really, then they must have picked
you as the model teacher. That'swonderful, Miss Brooks. You know I
was going to write in and suggestyour name myself, but well then I
got all wrapped up in my pigmentationexperiments and neglected to do so. Now
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it's nice to know that you thoughtof me. Well, now that you're
here, Boyton, what is ityou wanted to talk to me about?
Well, sir, it's something Ineed for my guinea pigs. But I'd
rather talk to you when you're alone. Oh come now, mister Boynton.
You mustn't keep anything back from areporter. What is it you need for
the creatures? Boydon? I'd rather, let's say, in mixed company,
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sir. Oh come now, we'reover twenty one, some of us are
way over. Oh come on pointingout with it. What do you need
for those guinea pigs? Well,if you insist hormones, well that's peculiar
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behavior. Ran right out of theroom. Well, I guess i'd better
be running along till mister Conklin justa minute, Miss Forrest, shouldn't we
give the quarry a few minutes?Head starts right? You are now no
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quiet, quiet boys and girls.As some of you know, I have
been chosen by Snap Magazine as themodel American school teacher of nineteen forty eight.
Thank you, Thank you, boysand girls. And now I'd like
you to meet Miss Forrest Snaps layouteditor. Quiet boys, Thank you.
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Class. Now before we take anypictures, Miss Brooks, would you please
ask those boys standing in the backof room to sit down. They are
sitting down, Miss Forrest, They'resitting on the top of the desk.
But why well, with the roomas crowded as it is, I use
them as lifeguards. Lifeguard. Yes, they keep the smaller children from being
shoved into the ink Wells Snap Magazinesits in while Miss Constance Brooks access faculty
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advised afy quabble. Now come toorder, Miss Brooks, I must have
been fixing your makeup between classes.You're making yourself look like a teacher a
school teacher. Fust that so manyschool teachers I've met they're such a masked
resemblance to human beings. Well,we'll just stick a few pencils in your
hair and throw a little chalk duston your suit. There, that's better.
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Now, just continue as if Iweren't here. That'll be a pleasure.
Now, let's get on with themeeting. Walter. Yes, ma'am,
our subject is should a high schoolgraduate turn to teaching as a career?
But what I mean, Miss Brooks, is, in the face of
our inflated economy, what security isthere in the teaching profession? Well,
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Walter, the way I figure itis this. When I first started to
teach school, a dollar was wortha dollar. Last year a dollar was
worth sixty cents, and this yearit's worth forty cents. So if I
were earning more, I'd be gettingpoorer all the time. Thus, by
being a school teacher, I'm actuallysaving for a rainy day. Snap joins
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Miss Brooks for lunch in the schoolcafeteria. Thanks so much for getting my
lunch. Mister Boynton, you arevery welcome, Miss Brooks. Here's your
change. Let's see, I'm I'ma Swiss an rye. You have the
stuff tomato, and what am I? Now? There's an opening you could
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drive a truck through. Miss Forest. Is Pete going to take any pictures
while I'm eating. In a fewminutes, he's getting a bite himself right
now. Oh good, then you'llhave time to smear some mayonnaise on my
nose. Frankly, Darling, I'mnot terribly interested in you at the moment.
Mister Boyton. When we chased youinto your laboratory before, you wouldn't
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tell us whom you were taking tothe mall hop this afternoon. Well,
I really don't know if I shouldleave my work. You see, Oh
there you are, Stephanie. I'vebeen looking all over for you. You're
going to the hop with me,aren't you? Well? I can't yet,
Walter afternoon, and Miss Forest.As principal of Madison High, I
feel that this is my very pleasantduty to invite you to the faculty student
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dance. Does have? Well?Really, mister Cunton, I don't know
if I be finished with my work, that is. Could I give you
my answer after I've eaten. Ihaven't had a bit of lunch. I'm
sorry, Miss Forrest. I'll goget you a tray, I'll get your
knife and four. If you justtake my arm, Miss Forrest, I
have personally escort you to the seametable h'm miss Brooks. Shall we have
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lunch together? No, thanks,Harriet, I'm quite full. I've just
eaten my heart out. I sawwhat happened just now. Well it's my
own fault, Harriet. My sinshave come to roost. But what do
you mean, Miss Brooks? Iknew it. I just knew it.
Knew what I knew. I shouldn'thave sent that wired to Snap magazine,
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recommending me as the Mardel teacher eBardon as our Miss Brooks returns in just
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(26:06):
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(26:55):
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And now once again here is ourMiss Brooks. Well, things didn't
work out quite as badly as Iexpected they would. Right before the dance,
one of mister Boyton's guinea pigs hada blessed event, triplets and fag
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and mister Boyton couldn't find a sitterfor them anywhere, so he didn't even
attend the hop. Walter Denton waskept in after school by his history teacher,
and after a couple of dances withmister Conklin, Stephanie Forrest packed up
her equipment, packed up Pete,and packed us in. Not long after
that, I was sitting in thecafeteria one day when Walter rushed over all
excited. Miss Brooks hits out Snapmagazine with a four page spread of you
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as America's model teacher. Let's seethat wall here, I've got it open
to the story. Well, I'llread the story later. How about the
cover? Is my picture on it? Well, it says portrait of model
school teacher, Miss Brooks. Buthere you better look for yourself. How
do you like that? Stephanie Forrestforty racer with teeth. Next week,
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cleon into another our, Miss Brookshaw, brought to you by Carmonic Coat Your
Beauty Hope and Luster Cream Shampoo forsoft glamorous dream girl hair. Our Miss
Brooks, starring Eve Arden, isproduced by Larry Burns, written and directed
by ale Lewis, with music bywilbra Hatch. Mister Boynton is played by
Jeff Chandler. Mister Conklin by GailGordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane
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Morgan, Dick Cranna, Gloria McMillan, Mary Jane Croft, and Jack Prusian
dentists know what cleans teeth best,and over four thousand dentists say Colgate toothpowder
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(28:53):
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(29:22):
Missus North, the exciting, funpackedadventures of an amateur park avenue detective and
his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesdayevenings over most of these same stations and
be with us again next week atthe same time for another comedy episode of
our Miss Brooks bob Lamon Speaking.This is CBS, where ninety nine million
people gather every week the Columbia broadcastfrom the system