Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Now it's Armis Brooks, Sorry, Eve Ardens. Most female teachers
at Madison High School think of mister Boynton, the bashful
biologist as an extremely handsome, virile, irresistible individual. The Armis Brooks,
(00:28):
who teaches English. There can take him with a grain
of salt.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
In fact, I could take him with a whole spoonful.
But why waite salt on a fellow who's too shy
to toss in the little pepper?
Speaker 3 (00:39):
Now?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
And then, last Friday at breakfast, I foolishly provoked the
discussion of the matter with my landlady. Honestly, missus Davis,
he's more attentive to his animals. Why yesterday he hardly
noticed me because he took his dog to school for
the day. It doesn't make sense, No, it doesn't.
Speaker 4 (00:58):
What can a dog learn in one Measley day?
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Serves me right for mentioning it. May I have some
toast here your idea.
Speaker 4 (01:10):
It's like I've always said, if dogs could learn things
as quickly as cats, this would be a much better
world to live in. For moon, Now, I'm serious. Take
our cat Minerva. For the past week, I've been teaching
her mathematics, and she's become a whiz at it mathematics.
Just you wait and see Minerva tell me quickly, now
(01:37):
I'm not just two and two.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yeah, now that's a good girl. Well I gather up
the dishes just a minute. Two and two equals me owt.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
Certainly there are four letters, and now aren't they. That's
her way of telling me that the answer is four
two nows equally three. Now's equal twelve.
Speaker 5 (02:08):
And so on.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
Oh it's funny, though she isn't so hot on the
odd numbers.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Look, missus Davis, I started this conversational maze with the
simple statement that mister Boynton brought his dog to school yesterday. Well, Connie,
then it's simple. What simple?
Speaker 4 (02:27):
You should do something to show mister Boynton how much
you love animals, Like, well, why don't you take Minerva
to school with you today?
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Oh, let's not be ridiculous, missus Davis. I couldn't possibly
take Minervative. Well, come to think of it, mister Boynton
is extremely fond of cats. It might make a hit
at that. Do you think she'd behave herself in my classroom?
Of course she would.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
She can stretch out on the seat cushion I ordered
for your classroom seat cushion. You mentioned how trying it
is sitting on that hard share all day, so I
thought i'd surprise you.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Oh I'm very three of you, Missus Davis. I'll mention it.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
I mailed a letter last night telling the store where
to send it, along with another note to the place where.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
I ordered Victor's gift. Your brother Victor.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
Yes, he's every bit as fond of animals as mister
Boynton is. That's why I bought one for him yesterday.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Oh that's nice, Missus Davis. What did you get him?
Speaker 5 (03:25):
A cow?
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Cow?
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Yes, it's a female. Those are the best time. Why
haven't heerd?
Speaker 4 (03:38):
Did you just moved into a little farmhouse on the
edge of town County. It's only a fifteen minute drive
from here by and bye. He'll be adding more livestocks,
of course, but right now with just the one cow,
I figured he'd have his hands full.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
He replace his cards right well, I got a dash
off to school, Missus Davis. I'll have to use all
my powers of persuasion to get mister Conkline's permission to
take Minerva into class with me.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
All right, dear, just put Minerva into this belise. I
bought her at the pit shop. It's a cat carrier.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You might leave the lid open for her, though, Oh
that won't be necessary. There are holes in the side
through where you can breathe in you gol, Minerva here,
I'll give you a hand.
Speaker 5 (04:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Ah, that's what I like about Minerva. She's so polite.
Whenever you help her out, she always says four.
Speaker 6 (04:37):
You, basically, principal of this school, are good conclent. But
as long as I am head.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Of the board of education, you will take orders from me?
Speaker 5 (04:44):
Is that clear? Quite clear? Mister Stone? Crystal clear? Couldn't
be clearer. You are also lips, I see you.
Speaker 7 (04:53):
Why when I saw that dog running broose outside the
biology lab yesterday, I was shocked beyond words. You know
that animals aren't allowed on fool property. Oz good, how
did it get in here?
Speaker 5 (05:03):
I'm summy.
Speaker 7 (05:03):
Well, I haven't the slightest idea, sir. Sir, Let's make
certainly no dogs invade the school today. First, you will
make an early inspection tour of all classrooms, and I
want you to post a guard at the front door
throughout the day. But sir, why commissioned someone to do
a job for which I myself am ideally suited. I'll
keep the whether eye open, sir, you may be sure
no animal will get past me.
Speaker 5 (05:27):
Come in, good.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Morning, mister Conson. Oh hello, mister Town.
Speaker 6 (05:31):
Morning, missus Brooks. Are you going somewhere?
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Going some Oh it's the lee. If I may ask
your permission, mister consent, permission for what? But you'll see
as soon as I open the bag. It'll just take
me a minute. Excuse me, mister Town go right ahead.
Speaker 5 (05:47):
Glad you dropped in, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 7 (05:48):
Perhaps you can shed some light on the identity the
culprit who dared to bring an animal into this school yesterday.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
An animal, mister Sterne.
Speaker 6 (06:00):
Typically a dog. When I start ramping around outside the
biology lab, I came in here.
Speaker 7 (06:05):
To report the incident to mister Conkler. When I returned
to the spot, it had vanished.
Speaker 5 (06:10):
Good.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Some of those spots stay on forever. I'm afraid I
can't be of much help to you, mister Stone. You see,
mine is an English class and I'm not one of
those who is who are I should say, in the
habit of hanging around out the lad the lads of others.
I mean, so I couldn't really shed any light on
the identity of which the dog belonged to? Whoo?
Speaker 7 (06:38):
And exactly how long have you had this English class,
miss Brooke?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
You bet well? Please forgive my faulty syntax, mister Stone,
The thought of a beast on the premises has frazzled
my nerves a bit. Well, goodbye.
Speaker 5 (06:53):
Now, one moment.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
You were going to open that bag, remember bag, spot bag.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Well you really wouldn't want to look at what's in
this bag, sir. It's nothing but what I said. I'll
run along now and meow meow. That's a new expression
some of the kids use. It's real cool. I think
meow ina saying goodbye. They say me, how silly isn't it?
(07:29):
Sometimes I stretch it out with.
Speaker 5 (07:31):
A little weather draw.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Well, now, now, mister Stones, mister Conklin, Yeah, that.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
Was mighty peculiar behavior.
Speaker 7 (07:45):
She galloped out of here like a frightened envelope.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yes, and it's my guess that right now she and
her western drawl are loping over to the old bunk
house in mister Boynton's lab.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Oh, hello there, miss Brooks, crowdy, please sit down, mister Boynton.
We've got a little pillaverin to do.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
We gotta wait, miss Brooks, I was just on my
way to the cloak room to feed Geraldine.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Geraldine, you know my dog.
Speaker 5 (08:22):
She's a boxer, and.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
If mister Conklin drops in, she'd better come out fighting.
That's what I came to warn you about.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Warn me.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yes, he's on an anti animal kick. Mister Stone happened
to see Geraldine in the hall yesterday and he was furious.
Luckily he doesn't know who her owner is yet.
Speaker 5 (08:40):
Goush.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
I guess I should have asked mister Conklin's permission. Oh,
but there's little chance of my dog being discovered. And here,
Miss Brooks, mister Stone rarely comes into my lab.
Speaker 5 (08:49):
The same goes for mister Conklin.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Oh well, then maybe my cat can hide out here
for the day. Your cat, y'all let her out of
the bag. I certainly wouldn't want mister Conklin to find
out I'm a cat wrestler. How'd you come, Minerva? Yeah,
you won't mind taking care of her for me, will you?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Miss Bryden's I'm not at all come here, baby, alrighty?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Oh you mean her.
Speaker 5 (09:24):
I'm crazy about cats, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Why the minute I see one, I can't resist nestling
it in my arms and stroking its little head yew.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
And Missus Davis ordered a seat cushion sent to my
class today, Miss Boynan, I'll bring it over so that
Minerva can stretch out in comfort.
Speaker 5 (09:43):
That'll be dandy.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
I saw missus Davis at the movies last night, and
she told me about her brother Victor's farmhouse and that
she's buying him a cow.
Speaker 5 (09:51):
I just love cows, don't.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
You, madly? Oh, I love all animals, mister b.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
You know, sometimes I got to thinking about my childhood
days on dad's farm, Miss Brooks. I missed those days
a lot. I hope Victor asks me out to his
farm someday.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
We can both go out someday some night, I mean
some night when Victor isn't home, we can stroll in
the meadow hand in hand with the moonlight pouring down.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
That sounds pretty thrilling, Miss Brooks. And if you're with
me and and it's a very nice evening, and you
think it'd be all right too?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
WoT, yes, mister b.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
Well do you think Victor would let me milk his cow?
Speaker 2 (10:41):
We can both milk her. You made the left side,
and I'll take the right side. I'll be homogenized before you.
Oh great, speaking of milk has evidently whipped up Minerva's appetite.
Steady Minerva, mister Conklin Eddies.
Speaker 5 (11:02):
I hope you'll forgive this intrusion, Boyden. I just dropped into.
Oh hello, little pussy cat, I say, I just dropped
in to make certain there are no dogs in here.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Not that I suspect you, Boyden, but I just thought
i'd take a look around. Well, I don't see any
dogs on the premises, no dogs at all.
Speaker 5 (11:20):
Sorry to trouble you. I'll just run along now.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
And hell, little pussy cat, I have it.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Let's all play charade. I mean, there's still a few
minutes before first class, or just for kids that will
do out with it. Now, to whom does this cat belong? Cat? Podcat? Oh,
the pussy cat. It's quite a pussy cat, isn't it, Silky.
It's the girl cat, no doubt, mister Boyden. And I
hadn't noticed her.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Oh that's right, she must have strayed in, sir, nonsense,
Miss Brooks. I'm beginning to understand those things.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
And to meows I heard in my office. Now they
what are you doing to the cat's.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Collar, mister Conklin, I'm removing at miss Brooks. It will
be an easy matter to determine the person who owns
her by simply checking the number on this license tag.
That person, needless to say, is a dead duck.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Having heard nothing from mister Conklan during my morning classes,
I presumed that he had not as yet traced the
number on the nervous license tags. As I left my
classroom for lunch, however, the figure of a sentry armed
with a baby rifle loomed up before me.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Hope, step forward and be recognized.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
It's me, mister Conklin.
Speaker 5 (12:47):
Oh step back and be unrecognized.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Hi eye, sir, And so, having been honorably discharged, I
hiked down with the school's cafeteria and ordered to check.
It was then that Walter Denton beckoned me to his table.
Do you over here, Miss Brooks?
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Wilt thou not visit me? The plant beside me feels thy,
gentle jew and every flight of grass I see from
thy deep earth. It's quickening moisture, drew.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
I ordered meatballs. What have you got the same? I
guess you didn't.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
Care for that bit of poetry. I quoted hims Brooks.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
You guess right, Walter, Well, how do you like this one?
Speaker 3 (13:33):
You'd never have let the cat from the bag if
you knew mister Conklin would grab her tag.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
You're either psychic or a sneak. How'd you find out
I'm up the creek?
Speaker 3 (13:48):
That's a very provocative question, Miss Brooks. You will recall
that shortly before first class this morning, our beloved principle
invaded mister Boynton's lab and trapped.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
You dead to rights with your furry friend. With two
furry friends, mister Blinton lost his rays there.
Speaker 6 (14:03):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Well, at that time I happen to be standing in.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
The hall just outside the lab, and presently I heard
excitement latent voices wafted through the transom. And now that
was a moment of great decision for me, Miss Brooks.
I could have either hewed the path of dishonor by
remaining in the hall and eavesdropping, or I could have
taken the glorious avenue of decency by closing my ears
and leaving the scene. Well, so I took the dirty
(14:31):
road out for Shane.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
But you still don't know all the details.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
While oh contraire, miss Brooks, I was about to say that.
Some minutes later, I confronted mister Boynton with the juicy
morsels I had overheard, informed him that I should like
to be acquainted with all the facts, and requested that
he sing, and he sang. Anzio Pinza would have envied him.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
So this is no laughing matter. When mister Conklin traces
Minerva's license tag.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
You can have time to trace it this morning, miss Brooks,
and it's too late. Now Here is a little gift
as a token of my esteem, Walter.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
It's the tags. How did you get it?
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Like I said, Miss Brooks, I'm pretty perfidious at times.
When mister Conklin left his office for a few moments,
I sneaked in, made off with the tag, and ever
since then he's been flipping his lid wondering what happened
to it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
But that's ceiling. That's a dreadful thing to do, Walter.
And thanks a million.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
You know you're entirely welcome. The only one thing worries me,
miss Brooks. Since mister Conklin can't establish ownership, he'll probably
confiscate your capta and send her to the pound.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Oh no, we can't let that happen to Minerva. Somehow,
we've got to spring her. I have an idea, Walter.
You've got to sneak her out of the biology lad
through the window and then take her to missus Davis's
brother's farmhouse. It's only a fifteen minute drive from here,
so you can rep I worked back to me in
my classroom before the end of lunch period.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
Check.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
I know a shortcut to the farmhouse, Miss Brooks. I
helped Victor move some furniture.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
In the day before yesterday, Well after Walter promised to
sneak Minerva out of school the Victor's farm. The only
problem remaining was what to do about mister Boynton's dogs.
In my classroom. Shortly afternoon, I told mister Boynton what
(16:28):
Walder had done.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Well, I doubt that he'll get back here before the
end of lunch period, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
It's almost one o'clock.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Now excuse me, mister Boynan, I want to steal a
little peek into the hallway. Hmm, no sentry, mister Conklin
apparently ducked out for a bite. Now's your chance to
get rid of your dog.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Well, I've already taken care of that. I simply Lord
Geraldine out the window and told her to go home.
She'll be lying on the doorstep waiting for me after school.
Speaker 5 (16:53):
Miss Brooks.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
You see, she's been trained. No matter where she is,
she knows how to get to my apartment house.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
So do I. But what good does it do?
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Hi, folks, I got your cap to the pharm Okamist Brooks.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Nice work, Walter. Did you turn her over to missus Davis?
Not exactly.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
She was out shopping when I got there, but I
left Minerda with her brother Victor as soon as he
got through with the delivery man. Delivery man, Yeah, some
guy was delivering a seat cushion.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
What but that cushion was supposed to be delivered to
my classroom, good old absent minded missus Davis, Miss Brooks, Yes,
a sign of here for what for this? Oo Oh no,
wait a minute, mister, this is a cow you'll got
good eyes, lady.
Speaker 7 (17:40):
We'll give you the bucket free.
Speaker 5 (17:44):
Gosh, a real cow.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
I haven't milked the cow in fourteen years. Hand me
that bucket, Walter, Oh no you don't.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
This is no time to improve your handshake and listen, mister,
my landlady evidently got confused. There's been a dreadful mister,
but you'll simply have to take back this cow.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Oh, I'm sorry, Lee, that'll take a separate order. And
our company's jammed up for the day.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Give him a call on it.
Speaker 5 (18:07):
Maybe we can take her tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Well, you've got to be reasonable. You can't leave a
cow here overnight. This is a public school under the
supervision of the federal government.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Let's keep politics out of this.
Speaker 5 (18:19):
Now, Sly, I just caught.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
A glimpse of mister Conklin and his daughter Harriet coming
up the school steps.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
What'll we do, mister Boyton?
Speaker 8 (18:28):
Cut that out?
Speaker 5 (18:37):
Sorry, I lost my head.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Look in the.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Bucket, daddy, Fine, Harriet, I'll be right here on sentry duty.
Speaker 6 (18:48):
No silly cattle dog is going to get past me today.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Why are you sure we're going to get a surprise
from some silly cow.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Not if I can help it. Quick close the door now, listen,
care Water, I want you to stay here with the
cow and see that absolutely no one enters this classroom.
Then after school's over, when the sentry leaves, we can
escape with the cow.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
Oh, Chamis Brooks, you can depend on me.
Speaker 5 (19:11):
What can I do to help miss Brooks.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Just hand me that the lead the.
Speaker 8 (19:15):
Other one.
Speaker 5 (19:27):
Steady girl saidie, you're in good hands. Ten after three water.
Speaker 6 (19:32):
As soon as miss Brooks gets back, we can.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Who goes there?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
A friend? I'm unarmed.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Wait till I pull the chair away from the door.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
Hi, miss Brooks, see anybody in the hall.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Just Harriet Conklin. She was on her way to a
dramatics club meeting. I saw mister Conklin getting into his car.
So now's our chance to make the break. You men,
bring up the rear. We girls will lead the way.
Come along, Bossy. Now keep your eyes peeled Walter, you too,
mister Biden. If you see anybody holy smoked, quick push
(20:08):
her in here all over the court time we explain.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Him.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
All right, Walter, Now would you mind explaining what we
and the strange cow are doing in mister Conklin's office.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
Well, I just saw Harriet Conkland coming down the stairs. Huh,
But we're safe in here. She never comes into mister
Conklin's office when he isn't around.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
Quick thinking, Daddy, I thought you'd gone home.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
I forgot something in my office, Harriet, whoops, he's around?
Speaker 5 (20:40):
What on earth is going on?
Speaker 8 (20:41):
In there.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Back the cow into the closet. Hurry over, set it. Oh,
now she'll only stay quiet until mister Conklin over my come,
(21:05):
mister contest.
Speaker 5 (21:06):
Missus Brooks Voynton Denton. What are you doing here? Well, sir,
we were just.
Speaker 6 (21:14):
Of Monaicroe.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I demand to know what you were doing in my office?
Speaker 3 (21:23):
We were just.
Speaker 5 (21:39):
Is the song fest o the night?
Speaker 2 (21:42):
I'm not quite missus Coomson. Somehow I feel more coming on.
I'm in the love simply because.
Speaker 6 (21:52):
You're more heard of sack cap the last time. What
are you doing here?
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Well, sir? We just dropped in to say goodbye on
our way home. I left here five minutes ago, but
I forgot my hat. I'll get it out of the
closet and we can all go together. An awful way
to go. I'm sure you don't need a hat on
such a lovely day, sir. Why not skip the closet aside?
Miss Broke Yes, sir, pardon.
Speaker 8 (22:27):
Me, see you take it easy, Take it easy.
Speaker 5 (22:40):
I just want to get my hat. It seems to
be on the floor. I can just reach it. I've
got it now.
Speaker 9 (22:57):
I'm sorry, No, no, I've got it. No, I pardon
me again, please, uh.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
Will one of you.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Kindly tell me that I didn't see what I just saw.
Speaker 8 (23:25):
In that closet.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
You've had a rough day on sentry duty, sir. Overwork
very often causes one's mind to play tricks.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
That are oh yes, yes, of course, sir. I'm convinced
the whole thing was a mirage, notwithstanding the indisputable fact
that my hat here, as you complaintly see, is half
filled with cream. Just to reassure myself, however, I'd like
to take another look in the closet.
Speaker 5 (23:54):
This time you will follow me, Miss Brooks.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Oh it's rather late, mister Conklin. Let's do it in
the morning.
Speaker 5 (24:00):
Follow me now, miss Brooks. And I do mean now.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Yes, sir? No how.
Speaker 3 (24:16):
And you do mean cow.
Speaker 5 (24:26):
All the brook or Mark Crab just lected God, Larry Burton.
This is why Joe Willing and al lois to the
music of muck Luster. That's the concert was played by
Gail Gordon.