October 20, 2025 • 41 mins
Dr. Laurie discusses the impact of Micro-Cheating. You'll also hear answers to listener submitted questions, and get Dr. Laurie's take on "Sex in the News".
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This is Passion with doctor Lori Battito and John Paul.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
On this edition of the podcast, The impact of micro cheating?
Are these just small little cheating elements stuck your lord?
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Yeah, well, we're going to have to define what that
is and people might actually be surprised at their own
They might say, oh, shoot, I think I did that,
or I've done that and never considered it a betrayal.
So I think it'll be important just to define it
and see, you know what counts as micro cheating, and
(00:37):
I want to talk about how it could destroy the
integrity of the relationship as well.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
So well, these days too, there's so much coming at
you from so many different angles. Like digitally, you can
find yourself in a vortex and end up in a
place you didn't want to start, and all of a
sudden you could be micro cheating and that's not even
what you started doing.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Like, it's just it's a crazy world.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
Yeah, And look, lots of people think, well, I'm not
My body's not touching any other body, so I'm not cheating.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
Right.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
They have a very very very narrow definition of cheating,
which just involves bodily contact or sexual contact. But you know,
there's many ways of betraying a partner's trust, and these
these behaviors, these micro cheating behaviors, can also undermine the relationships.
(01:29):
I just think it's important that we at least have
a conversation, and you know, maybe people can walk away
after hearing this and just have a conversation with their
own partner. Hey, what do you consider micro cheating? Because
sometimes we don't what one person might think is okay,
another person might think is not.
Speaker 4 (01:49):
So you know, it's weird.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
In at least two cases in the last I'm going
to say six to eight months in circle of people
that I know, I have heard instances where in both
cases it's she. But that doesn't put the blame on
sheep er say they become obsessed with audio books that
(02:14):
are basically like romance novels that are you know, borderlines muddy.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Type of things.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah. Yeah, and they put them in their earbuds and
they go around the house and do whatever, and their
partners are like, I feel I'm just completely being ignored.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Well yeah, because they're in their own world. Yet they're
in the.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
World, yes, so they're not. Well there you go. I
mean again, that is a behavior just like a partner
who's gaming all the time. Right, they may be in
the house and in gaming, but it's still it still
affects the other person.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
What's interesting is both people I talk to that experience
this sort of thing, what they were most upset about
is they felt that their partner's obsession with doing that
that they were somehow now being held to that standard
of the books in their life, which they clearly weren't
(03:17):
meeting in reality.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Which is ridiculous because that's like saying women have to
reach the standard of porn. Right, it's the same thing
like romance. Like look at romance or romance novels and
those dirty novels as the equivalent to what men watch
in porn. It's just that here it may be audio
(03:39):
or reading, but these notions of romance and seduction and
what have you are also just as unrealistic as the
sex and porn is.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, no, it was very fascinating because of course your
husband and wife, my wife here is one side. I
hear the other side, and then you know, we get
back together, we compare notes and we're like this is crazy, Like, yeah,
the whole thing's crazy, and I've seen it happen more
and more so. Again, I don't know if these make
your list of micro cheating, but they're definitely on the
list of things that are affecting, creating, conflicting, and there's
(04:14):
a gazillion right new.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Things that affect relationships exactly that we wouldn't have thought
of before.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
We have a wonderful community on Instagram and we would
love for you to smash the button follow us, join
the community, and you can just do that very easily.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
That would be great. Passion with the doctor Lori and
John Paul join us, it would be great. Hey, I
forgot to post our our badge the fact that we
made the top twenty five. Oh that's right, podcast about sexuality,
So that's exciting.
Speaker 4 (04:48):
What number were we do remember?
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Something like eight ten seven? It was good, it was
it was in the top ten. Yeah, it was great, as.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
We should be. Do you think we should be caring
about that more?
Speaker 3 (05:04):
It's not why we do it, So let's make that
clear for people. You know, it's not why we do it.
John and I both have jobs. We do this for fun,
and we do this just to educate because it's something
we believe in. But it isn't anything that you know,
it's not exactly.
Speaker 4 (05:23):
We're great pick up.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I am from the eighth most listened to podcast about
sex and relationships on the Internet.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
There you have it.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
There you go micro cheating. I'm doing it and I
don't even know. All right, we'll get to that in
a bit. We also have some questions that have been submitted,
but first we're going to dive right into sex in
the news, and the headline reads shared reality and romantic
relationships reduces uncertainty and boosts meaning in life.
Speaker 4 (05:57):
Right.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
This was an article written by an Eric Dolan that
says a recent study published in the Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, so we're talking about a peer reviewed journal,
highlights the role that shared reality with romantic partners plays
in reducing uncertainty and enhancing a sense of meaning in life.
(06:19):
The research reveals that when couples share a mutual understanding
of their experiences, it not only strengthens their bond, but
also helps individuals make sense of the world around them,
providing clarity and purpose. So the new research sought to
investigate an understudied aspect of relationships, their epistemic function. In
(06:42):
other words, it examined how romantic partners co construct a
shared understanding of the world known as shared reality, and
how this process helps individuals reduce uncertainty and experience meaning
in life. So, the research team conducted five separate studies,
which I won't go into detail on that, but the
findings revealed that couples who perceived a higher shared reality
(07:05):
with their partner also reported greater meaning in life. This
effect was evident even after controlling for relationship satisfaction, suggesting
that shared reality offers benefits beyond general positivity about the relationship. Additionally,
observable shared reality behaviors predicted self reported shared reality and
(07:25):
meaning in life. So I think maybe I should just
talk about one of the studies so we understand what
it is. Each couple in a lab engaged in a
discussion where one partner shared their fears while the other
partner responded naturally. The researchers measured participants self reported shared
(07:45):
reality and meaning in life using established scales, and assessed
shared reality behaviors such as expressing agreement or finishing each
other's sentences. And they coded this kind of stuff, So
that's what they were looking for, just in case people
were wondering what that shared reality would be like. Another one.
(08:09):
Participants were randomly assigned those who were in a relationship
to recall either a high shared reality experience like feeling
on the same page with their partner, or one where
they felt disconnected from their partner's perspective, and then they
were able to talk about that and associate it to
the meaning in life. And the results showed that recalling
(08:34):
a high shared reality experience reduced uncertainty about the target
of the experience, which in turn increased meaning in life.
So the bottom line is they say we invest significant
time and energy in our relationships, and this research shows
why that effort matters. Close relationships, especially with romantic partners,
(08:59):
help us make sense of the world and provide a
sense of purpose. Building and nurturing these conditions is key
to navigating uncertainty and creating meaning in our lives. So
hopefully your partner brings some meaning to your life. But
when you share, I mean it makes sense, right when
(09:19):
you share an experience or when you're on the same
page as your partner, it really does feel like you're
going through life with your best friend. Right when your
partner can read your mind finish your sentences like yeah, yeah, yeah,
we feel the same way, you know that kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
I also think, you know, life is so much about
smiling and laughing, yes, and that like that in a
great partner really makes everything better. Like there's nothing I
love more than being in a restaurant and looking around
and seeing couple smiling at each other, because it just
like immediately you go, hey, they enjoy each other. That's good,
(10:00):
and then you see the one table where it's clearly
they don't.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Right, well it is, Yeah, it's certainly more fun to
have a shared experience, There's no no question about that.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Yeah, all right, your questions will get answered here in
a moment.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
But our topic for this edition.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Of the podcast is micro cheating, and it's probably vague
in a lot of areas, and maybe what it is
in twenty twenty five isn't what microtreating was even say
in twenty fifteen. It's everything's changing so rapidly these days
with communications and social media platforms and AI and all
(10:38):
those things that are coming at us. It also impacts
our relationships. So let's start with micro cheating and maybe
how you defined it as we sit here right now.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
All right, So micro cheating basically sure refers to not
so obvious. You know, when we think about cheating, we
think of obvious things. These are subtle behaviors that have
nothing really to do with physical infidelity, but they still
kind of blur the lines of infidelity, right, especially emotional
(11:09):
or romantic stuff. So we're talking about actions that actually
involve secrecy. So secrecy is a big, you know, a
big part of betrayal. Right, if my partner, if I'm
doing things behind their back, it involves flirtation or some
(11:29):
kind of emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship in
a way that could be interpreted as inappropriate by a partner.
So what are we talking about. We're talking about and
again it's not the same for everybody. So every couple
might say, no, I'm okay with this and this doesn't
bother me, right for example, flirting, so flirting with someone else,
(11:54):
maybe your partner's okay with it, right, Maybe that's something
that But again, this is why those discussions are important,
especially if it's hidden from your partner. Obviously, you know,
if your partner goes to wherever and starts flirting with
other people, would this bother you? Would this not bother you?
So ask yourself those questions too.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
That's frequently because flirting is an interesting one to me
because I see, like, let's just say there's a woman,
it doesn't matter the sex, but she is naturally flirtatious
with everyone. She's charming, she's nice, she always you know,
maybe she's the person that touches your shoulder. She's naturally flirtatious.
(12:31):
When you are have a partner like that, where does
micro cheating come in? Because I know that there are
a lot of partners that they're like, I don't mind
that she's like that, or I don't mind that she's
like that dot dot dot until they do it to
a certain person.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Well, do you know what I know? I think I
think intent matters. Right, So it's just if you know
your partner is flirtatious from the get go and they're
just charming, like it's just part of their charm, and
they tend to do that with every with let's say
it's your husband and tends to do that with all
(13:11):
nature of females or what have you. Then and you're
okay with that, That wouldn't be micro cheating. It's something
you each know about each other and say, okay, I'm
okay with this, right, which is why you have to
talk about it. But we're talking about instances where this
is behavior that may be completely hidden. And this isn't
(13:33):
how your partner is in front of you, right, because
usually a partner who's flirtatious will do it in front
of you as well. Right, Okay, So this is about
hidden stuff secrecy, remember the secrecy part.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Another example is somebody who frequently texts or messages someone
that they're attracted to. What if they're an example, I
don't know, they keep their somebody on Instagram like they
never met them in person, but there's they're having text
back and forth with somebody of a nature that is
(14:10):
I don't know, maybe a little more involved, right than
hey you look good, you know whatever. I don't know.
This I've seen also quite a bit in terms of
a couples that end up in my office mates that
keep an online dating profile. So one partner discovers that, hey,
(14:31):
why is my partner on bumble? Why is my partner
on you know? This is even though they haven't gone
out on dates, the swiping actions and the connections they
formed and the texting that happens is still going on.
So that's another certainly you know, I would say, it
would be hard to argue that this isn't crossing a line,
(14:55):
but the person doing it might say, Man, you know,
I'm not doing anything, I'm not meeting anybody, so therefore
I don't know. I don't know if you've ever done this.
But saving someone's number under a fake name again, secrecy
right liking or commenting flirtatiously on someone's social media posts,
(15:18):
reaching out to an x without telling your partner, Yep,
that would might be something considered micro cheating. So we're
not talking about being unfaithful in the traditional sense, but
we are talking about behaviors that can erode trust and
that can erode the emotional safety in a relationship. So
(15:41):
I think what's important is that in relationships, talking about
boundaries and expectations is really important, rather than just having
these assumptions that you know, what I think is cheating,
my partner's going to think is cheating, Or what I
(16:02):
think is honest, my partner's going to think is honest, etcetera, etcetera.
So addressing this really is important and takes you know,
honesty and a shared understanding of boundaries. We need to
be able to talk about this stuff.
Speaker 4 (16:21):
It's so fascinating.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Because I like, I like, I think of how people communicate,
and I can totally see how someone like I remember when.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
Facebook first started.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Oh yeah, she seems like forever ago, like I knew
nothing about it. And like a woman that I dated
like years ago, like sent me a message on Facebook
and she said something like, Oh, I hope everything's going well.
I just want you to know I bought a condo
and I'm really excited. I bought the condo and you know,
if you're ever in town, i'd love to show it
(16:57):
to you, like you know whatever. And I was like,
oh that. My reply was, oh, that'd be great, Like
that was my answer. And I was telling my wife
about this and I showed it to her.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
She's like, what are you doing? Like, I don't know.
She's like, that's like that's offensive. You can't do that.
I'm like, what am I doing?
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I said, Like, honestly, I said, I thought it was
like when the person says to you like, hey, let's
meet for coffee and you're like, oh, yeah, we should
meet for coffee, but you have no intention of ever
doing it.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
You're just being nice like oh yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
I'll see you later, I'm like, isn't that what I'm
doing on this? She goes, No, it's different on that.
I'm like, how is it different on that?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Oh? My yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
You know a lot of things be paying attention.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
When Facebook first came out, well, you know, there were
a lot of marriages that broke up. Why because connections
were being made with old flames, right, yeah, from like
high school and everything like that. So that ended up
happening quite a bit, and micro cheating was probably maybe
at its peak then, I don't know, or at least
(17:56):
the beginnings of it, right when people had to navigate
and like, is this cheating? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
The other thing about it, too, is I think what's
different today than any other time in history is you
can live with someone in the same house and be
living and viewing the world totally different ways. Because on
your phone, your algorithm is sending you stuff, and on
(18:23):
my phone, my algorithm is sending me stuff.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
So you can be learning.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
About bad things or things that husbands have done to
you know, make women upset or whatever it is. Meanwhile,
I'm over here learning something totally different. And when I
do this thing and you see me doing it, it
reminds you of your bad thing, But I don't know
anything about your bad thing. I'm just trying to get
through my day. Like it's just crazy that way. Does
that make sense?
Speaker 3 (18:48):
Well, it does in the sense that we can be
living in the same house but living parallel lives as well,
because we are not. And it goes back to what
we were talking about at the beginning of the show
about you shared experiences, Right, So if we have shared experiences,
it increases the meaning of life. The less shared experiences
(19:08):
might give us less meaning. So I think it is
important that we are able to talk about this. But
so how do let's talk about how to talk about this?
Because it's really important. First of all, you want to
ask yourself a few questions, right, So, if like whatever
you're doing, ask yourself, would I be comfortable if my
(19:29):
partner saw or knew about this? That that's the number
one question for whatever action you're going to do?
Speaker 4 (19:37):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Am I keeping this interaction a secret? Am I emotionally
investing in someone else in the way in a way
that should belong to my partner? If the answer is
yes to any of these things, then of course you
need to be able to talk about this with your partner, right,
and it's not about making accusations. We have to be
(19:59):
careful about how we talk about this. Using eye statements
is the best way because if you say you or
why are you doing this? Or you're doing this, it
puts the other person on the defensive. So I think
it's important to be able to say that I feel
uncomfortable more than you are doing something, and to be
able to say that you'd love to talk about you know,
(20:21):
what's okay and what's not okay, and what feels okay,
and not making the assumption necessarily that your partner's going
behind your back, maybe them not knowing that this is
a bad thing. You know what is acceptable what is not.
So I think once you start that conversation, open it up.
You start you have to define the boundaries of your
relationship together. You have to talk openly about you know,
(20:44):
how do they feel about texting and dming other people?
How do you feel about relationships with exes? Some people
are quite insecure. Other people don't care, right, They're like sure,
I'm like, go ahead, you want to talk to your ex?
No big deal, because I'm secure or I know or
I trust that there are no unresolved feelings there, right,
(21:06):
So again that's why it's different for every couple and
why we need to have these conversations. Flirting, compliments and
social media activity that has to be discussed as well.
If you're uncomfortable with your partner messaging random women or
men on social media, then say so, right, and your
(21:28):
partner needs to kind of respect that as well because
your partner. Why would you want to make your partner uncomfortable?
Another boundary to think about is emotional the level of
emotional intimacy you develop with friends or coworkers. So I
think you have to develop these guidelines together so that
(21:50):
you could talk about what it is that you need,
et cetera. Now, sometimes people micro cheat to fill a gap.
So go back to what I was saying about the
the guy who keeps an online profile right and and
likes to be contacted by women. What what is this
(22:12):
person missing? Is it validation? Is it excitement? Is it connection?
These are things that should be questioned and and within
the relationship, like are we meeting each other's needs? Emotional needs,
physical needs? Do we feel appreciated, do we feel not
not seen? Et cetera, et cetera. So sometimes it's coming
(22:35):
from the relationship and that needs to be addressed. And
other times it's a personal problem that needs to be
looked at as well because it could be very destructive
to the relationship. So those are some of the things
that should be discussed within within the relationship. I don't
know if you have any other any other thoughts on that.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Living listening to you talk, my mind got racing so
much that we need to develop the social media site
that's four couples and you sign up together, and maybe
it's like you're posting things, you know, all the stuff
(23:16):
you're doing together, you're planning your life together.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
Like there could be a lot of applications in.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
It, but every once in a while there could be
like little tidbits where it's like a question pops up
that they both answer. So it's like, you know, what's
your favorite thing to do on a Friday night? And
I answer whatever it is and she answers whatever she is,
and then we both see each other's answers and we
can know each other. And then maybe another question comes
(23:41):
up where it's like, what's one thing that would bother
you if I did it?
Speaker 4 (23:45):
On social media and I type.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
In my answer and she types in her answer and
we share and then maybe there's you know, a way
to again, just like social media, you know, there's like
we went out for dinner with Karen and Phil and
I don't know, I think there's an idea. There's what
I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
We can solve the world, probably in another business and profit.
Oh you know, I don't know if we're going to
be able to get to you know, fix this like
the Again, it really really boils down to having good communication,
and it's important that you stay open to hearing from
(24:27):
your partner instead of being defensive. Like if your partner says, hey,
you know you're micro cheating or what have you, they
are concerned, they are feeling insecure, they are hurt by this.
So it's important to stay open, non defensive, validate your
partners feelings, even if you're being accused in a misunderstanding
(24:53):
kind of way, because sometimes it could be a totally
a total misunderstanding. And that's a possibilit as well, Right,
it's not always you know, once you talk it out
and what have you, you realize, Okay, that was a misunderstanding,
that wasn't a flirtatious thing. This is why I did this,
this is why I said this, and what have you.
(25:13):
So it's important that we talk about it, but at
least to be heard by your partner and not be like,
why do you crazy? Well, well, you know, like just
that level of overreacting is not okay. So you know,
hearing your partner is very important. So you need to
not get defensive. You need to validate their feelings. You
(25:36):
need to clarify your intention. So if you were not
trying to cross a line, you need to say that.
But without minimizing their discomfort. You can't just tell them
you're crazy right for thinking this, that's not okay. And
you need to be able to ask your partner, hey,
what would help you feel more secure you If it's
(25:58):
your partner that matter, then their feelings matter above the
your need to DM somebody.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
You know. It's interesting too.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
I think that's so important to ask that question about
what matters, because there are times where somebody assumes this
is what matters, Like I had a buddy of mine
tell me, like, I work really hard to make sure
that I take the kids to the park so my
wife can have a break, or I'll do something on
a Saturday. I'll make sure the girls come with me
(26:32):
so that she can have a break. And he found
out that that she didn't appreciate that, like the things
she was looking for that she would have appreciated were
a nice night out together with them having dinner, or
that them snuggling on the couch.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
And he was shocked.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
He was like, I thought I was being a great guy.
I thought I was being a dream husband giving her
all this free time, and in fact I was actually
pushing your away.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
Yeah, that's like buying your partner flowers because you think
it's romantic, but your partner hates flowers, right, and you
not hearing that they don't like flowers, and just thinking that, well,
aren't you supposed to bring flowers. Isn't that supposed to
be romantic and they really don't like flowers.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Well, and that's where the communication comes in exactly. Maybe
you know, maybe do fair and open mind. Like if
your husband brings you flowers all the time and you
don't like flowers, maybe you go, God, I don't like flowers.
But you step outside the bottle for a moment and go, Okay,
my husband brings me flowers all the time. I don't
(27:39):
like flowers, but why is he doing it? Well, the
world has conditioned men to think that flowers are things
women likes. Like, maybe he's trying to be nice and
I should be giving him points or at least let
him know that I would prefer chocolates or.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
Cars or maybe or at least try to communicate better
so he hears you. Yeah, or if he's still refusing
to hear you, you might want a question like why
isn't he hearing me? And the frustration is there, right,
It's like I don't understand why is he doing something
I've told him one hundred times. I don't appreciate there's
(28:15):
a certain level of my partner's not hearing me or
listening to me.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Let us now get to some questions from listeners. You,
of course can send them to doctor Lorii dot com
go to doctor Lory's website. Everything is there for you,
or of course you can direct messages on Instagram. We
do love your questions. Let's start with this one, doctor Lori. Hi,
I have a huge problem. My penis is very very sensitive.
(28:41):
I come in seconds exclamation mark. Any questions or thoughts.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
On that, Yeah, So it's limited information, right, Obviously we
can talk only generally here, So the only thing I
can suggest for if he's describing himself as a as
a very sensitive penis, there are things that can be
done to make it less sensitive, like numbing sprays. There
are numbing sprays that are used. The one that comes
(29:10):
to mind is called Promeiscent. It's a spray that's been
tested and used for men with premature ejaculation. I would
use a condom the numbing spray first condom. On top
of that, there's also exercises to train your penis to
last longer. So there's you know, you can go online.
(29:32):
Let me tell you chat GPT today. You can go
ask it anything. It will give you a whole formula
of what you need to do. So. But the first
step really is to pay attention to what your penis
is feeling. I think a lot of men who feel
sensitive or come quickly try to distract themselves, and it's
(29:52):
actually the wrong thing to do. It's to becoming aware
of what's going on in their penis is more important
than distracting yourself and thinking about baseball. You know, wall
arouse like this is not you don't want to get
rid of the arousal. You want to focus on the arousal,
so you become aware of your point of ejaculatory inevitability,
(30:15):
the no turning back moment. And once you start understanding
where that moment is, you pay attention to just before
you get to that point of no return, and you practice.
You practice this with masturbation by starting and stopping and
starting and stopping. So if none of these things help,
there are medications, basically the use of low dose antidepressants
(30:43):
which are not enough to treat depression, but enough to
induce the side effects that seem to work to delay ejaculation.
So this is you know, that's something that they can
talk to their doctor about. So there's some stuff to
be done about this. You just have to experiment a
little bit and try with different things.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
I like the idea of my wife asking me the question, honey,
did you ask CHATCHPT for penis exercises? And I also
like the idea of like a buddy calling and saying, hey,
you want to go golfing tonight.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
I'm like, I got my penis exercising tonight. I can't
right chat GPT can do anything, though. That is true.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Also in the mail bag, this is a very interesting one.
Doctor Lorie, my wife, recently brought up the idea of
having a threesome to spice things up. At first, the
idea was great, but the more we talked about it,
and the more I think about our relationship, I don't
know if it's strong enough to survive such a thing.
She claims she is Christian and that it would just
(31:47):
be sex, but I feel like if she was a
true believer, she would understand that it's not okay. I
also can't help but think she since she says her
fantasy is to do it with another guy, that if
I don't play along, she might just do it without.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Me one day. This is a lot of things in
one question.
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Oh my god. Yes, and this person's concerns are are
quite valid. I think you know they have if they
have any doubt of the strength of the relationship to
handle this kind of situation, you definitely need to talk
a hell of a lot more about it. You need
(32:28):
to talk about all the potential consequences of introducing another
person into the mix. I mean, there's many things like,
how are you going to feel seeing her with another man?
How are you going to handle your jealous feelings? What
would she say if you want to bring in another woman,
what if it's good for her but not good for you.
(32:50):
How are you going to handle that in the relationship?
What if you want to stop midway because you're uncomfortable
with the situation. I think doing something that you don't
believe in because you're scared that she may go elsewhere
to me indicates a much deeper issue that needs to
be addressed. Frankly, and before anything goes any further, you
(33:14):
should seek help from a marriage counselor to discuss this
and maybe find one who is open to talking about
open relationships, like who knows more about that and versus
maybe a Christian counselor, for example, where this would not
be an option or it's not something that they can
(33:35):
talk about. But I'm also conflicted about that because he says, well,
she's a Christian, maybe she needs to hear from a
Christian counselor. I don't know, but you want to have
this conversation. So there's a lot of conflicting ideas going
on here and conflicting values going on here. So those
have to be addressed before you bring anybody into the
(33:58):
mix way before.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
What are the steps because I would imagine this is
frequently in relationships where one partner wants to do something
and it could be sexual, or it could be travel,
it could be anything. One person in the relationship is like,
I just want to do this in my life, and
the other person, for legitimate reasons, is against it.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
How do you navigate through that?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Like travel is easy because it's not maybe it's just
as intimate because there's time away, or it impacts finances
or whatever, But like, how do you navigate that through?
Where in the end one person is going to have
to give up on their dream or their position.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
That's where in a relationship you need to negotiate. There
has to be some negotiation and compromise. And this is
why values shared values are so important. For example, you can't,
you know, imagine if one partner values polyamory and the
other one doesn't. That's complicated. How do you compromise on that.
(35:08):
You might have one person that says, okay, I'm okay
if you do it, but I don't want to do it.
That's one scenario. It's an unlikely scenario, but I've seen
it happen that way. You know, when it's fundamental things,
it's really difficult. Like travel. You know, maybe I want
(35:29):
to see Japan and you don't. Well, maybe I'll just
go with a group of girlfriends, or I'll go on
an organized trip. If you don't really want to go,
like that's okay, you don't. Why would you deprive your
partner of visiting a place that's on their bucket list
just because you don't necessarily want to go. Or you say, okay,
we'll go there, but then we'll go somewhere else that
(35:52):
I want to go, right, and you compromise on that.
When it comes to sexuality, you're talking about the integrity
of your boss. Like just you know, if one says
I want to be in an open relationship and I
want to have sex with a bunch of other people,
and I want you to have sex with a bunch
of other people because that would turn me on. Wait
a minute, it's my body. How do I you know,
(36:12):
if I don't want to go and have sex with
other people, why should I just so you're pleased? That's
not going to work. So there's It gets a bit
more complex when it involves the other person's body.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
Frankly, and what about when you have these crazy life
changes that people experience. They're very happy in their life.
Everything is great, they have a perfect marriage, and then
one gets cancer, or one's parent dies, or something that
they win, the lottery, whatever it is, they have a
radical shift in their life where they find themselves going.
Speaker 4 (36:54):
Holy crap, I feel differently about a lot of things now.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
My opinion on a lot of things has changed because
the world shocked.
Speaker 4 (37:03):
Me into a different viewpoint. And your partner isn't in
that same place. What do you do?
Speaker 2 (37:08):
Like, I imagine like we sort of in a cliche sense,
always talk about, you know, men and their mid life
crisises and things like that, and I think those are
real things that actually do happen. How do you negotiate
that when a person has almost changed the next day
from the person they were the day before.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Well, it rarely happens exactly that way, but things can
certainly affect us deeply and can change the course of
our lives or the course of our thinking. I think
this is where it's really important to have a sounding
board somebody on the outside and an objective listener, observer
(37:49):
whatever to hear you out and to bounce things off
of and to try to figure out what is going on.
Sometimes there's a lot of grief work. Sometimes it's a
reevaluating of your relationship, of your whatever however you want
to spend the rest of your life, et cetera, et cetera.
(38:10):
So I think talking it through with somebody and then
have being able to talk it through with your own partner,
because look, sometimes midlife crisis, like a true crisis like
the one you just described is could lead to infidelity,
could lead to some other form of running away, you know,
(38:31):
that kind of thing, So it could be very destructive
to the relationship. I think before that happens, it would
be great to have somebody to talk it through with.
That's why we're here. That's why therapists need to be
able to talk these things through and see where you're
at and change direction if you need to write, Yeah
(38:51):
for sure.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
And again I think that's the purpose of this podcast,
to not only throw out all of the things life
will throw back at you, but to give you some
resources or tactics to when it does hit you go
all right. They were talking about that this is where
I should consider this, that or the other thing.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
Right exactly.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
On the next edition of Passion, we will be talking
about Lube one.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
Oh, one, everything you want to know about loube just
what you want everyone.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
I had to pause because I wasn't sure what I
was reading. But why should we not be talking about lube.
We've covered everything.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Else and we'll have a specialist, a lube specialist on
to talk about it.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
How's that nice? I think this is what people come for.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I absolutely love it. Some people to thank for this
edition of the podcast.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Yes, well, thank you all for tuning in. Certainly we
appreciate your listenership. Thanks to Stephen Voyce who is our
musical consultant, direct or whatever we want to call him.
But all the music you hear on this podcast in
between segments is his original music and he allows us
to play it. So thank you very much. And he
happens to be one of my favorite artists Canadian artists,
(40:11):
I might add, so thank you very much for that.
And John, thank you for being part of this with
me as well.
Speaker 4 (40:17):
I am happy to do it.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Of course, if you are on any platform and you
can give us a like, a comment, or a share,
it always helps the algorithm serve up our content to
more people just like you, so we would certainly appreciate
that you do that I don't know whether we're number
eight or six on the highest ranking sex podcast on
the planet, but thank you for that. Whoever submitted us
and voted for us, that's very nice. We appreciate it,
(40:41):
and Doctor Lori we will chat next time.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
We shall take care of John Passion with doctor Lori,
Btito and John Paul. To submit questions, business inquiries, or
just to connect, visit doctor Laurie dot com. Thank you
for supporting Passion
Speaker 4 (41:01):
Hands Dost
This is Passion with doctor Lori Battito and John Paul.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
On this edition of the podcast, The impact of micro cheating?
Are these just small little cheating elements stuck your lord?
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Yeah, well, we're going to have to define what that
is and people might actually be surprised at their own
They might say, oh, shoot, I think I did that,
or I've done that and never considered it a betrayal.
So I think it'll be important just to define it
and see, you know what counts as micro cheating, and
(00:37):
I want to talk about how it could destroy the
integrity of the relationship as well.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
So well, these days too, there's so much coming at
you from so many different angles. Like digitally, you can
find yourself in a vortex and end up in a
place you didn't want to start, and all of a
sudden you could be micro cheating and that's not even
what you started doing.
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Like, it's just it's a crazy world.
Speaker 3 (01:02):
Yeah, And look, lots of people think, well, I'm not
My body's not touching any other body, so I'm not cheating.
Speaker 4 (01:08):
Right.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
They have a very very very narrow definition of cheating,
which just involves bodily contact or sexual contact. But you know,
there's many ways of betraying a partner's trust, and these
these behaviors, these micro cheating behaviors, can also undermine the relationships.
(01:29):
I just think it's important that we at least have
a conversation, and you know, maybe people can walk away
after hearing this and just have a conversation with their
own partner. Hey, what do you consider micro cheating? Because
sometimes we don't what one person might think is okay,
another person might think is not.
Speaker 4 (01:49):
So you know, it's weird.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
In at least two cases in the last I'm going
to say six to eight months in circle of people
that I know, I have heard instances where in both
cases it's she. But that doesn't put the blame on
sheep er say they become obsessed with audio books that
(02:14):
are basically like romance novels that are you know, borderlines muddy.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
Type of things.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah. Yeah, and they put them in their earbuds and
they go around the house and do whatever, and their
partners are like, I feel I'm just completely being ignored.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Well yeah, because they're in their own world. Yet they're
in the.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
World, yes, so they're not. Well there you go. I
mean again, that is a behavior just like a partner
who's gaming all the time. Right, they may be in
the house and in gaming, but it's still it still
affects the other person.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
What's interesting is both people I talk to that experience
this sort of thing, what they were most upset about
is they felt that their partner's obsession with doing that
that they were somehow now being held to that standard
of the books in their life, which they clearly weren't
(03:17):
meeting in reality.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Which is ridiculous because that's like saying women have to
reach the standard of porn. Right, it's the same thing
like romance. Like look at romance or romance novels and
those dirty novels as the equivalent to what men watch
in porn. It's just that here it may be audio
(03:39):
or reading, but these notions of romance and seduction and
what have you are also just as unrealistic as the
sex and porn is.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, no, it was very fascinating because of course your
husband and wife, my wife here is one side. I
hear the other side, and then you know, we get
back together, we compare notes and we're like this is crazy, Like, yeah,
the whole thing's crazy, and I've seen it happen more
and more so. Again, I don't know if these make
your list of micro cheating, but they're definitely on the
list of things that are affecting, creating, conflicting, and there's
(04:14):
a gazillion right new.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Things that affect relationships exactly that we wouldn't have thought
of before.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
We have a wonderful community on Instagram and we would
love for you to smash the button follow us, join
the community, and you can just do that very easily.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
That would be great. Passion with the doctor Lori and
John Paul join us, it would be great. Hey, I
forgot to post our our badge the fact that we
made the top twenty five. Oh that's right, podcast about sexuality,
So that's exciting.
Speaker 4 (04:48):
What number were we do remember?
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Something like eight ten seven? It was good, it was
it was in the top ten. Yeah, it was great, as.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
We should be. Do you think we should be caring
about that more?
Speaker 3 (05:04):
It's not why we do it, So let's make that
clear for people. You know, it's not why we do it.
John and I both have jobs. We do this for fun,
and we do this just to educate because it's something
we believe in. But it isn't anything that you know,
it's not exactly.
Speaker 4 (05:23):
We're great pick up.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I am from the eighth most listened to podcast about
sex and relationships on the Internet.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
There you have it.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
There you go micro cheating. I'm doing it and I
don't even know. All right, we'll get to that in
a bit. We also have some questions that have been submitted,
but first we're going to dive right into sex in
the news, and the headline reads shared reality and romantic
relationships reduces uncertainty and boosts meaning in life.
Speaker 4 (05:57):
Right.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
This was an article written by an Eric Dolan that
says a recent study published in the Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, so we're talking about a peer reviewed journal,
highlights the role that shared reality with romantic partners plays
in reducing uncertainty and enhancing a sense of meaning in life.
(06:19):
The research reveals that when couples share a mutual understanding
of their experiences, it not only strengthens their bond, but
also helps individuals make sense of the world around them,
providing clarity and purpose. So the new research sought to
investigate an understudied aspect of relationships, their epistemic function. In
(06:42):
other words, it examined how romantic partners co construct a
shared understanding of the world known as shared reality, and
how this process helps individuals reduce uncertainty and experience meaning
in life. So, the research team conducted five separate studies,
which I won't go into detail on that, but the
findings revealed that couples who perceived a higher shared reality
(07:05):
with their partner also reported greater meaning in life. This
effect was evident even after controlling for relationship satisfaction, suggesting
that shared reality offers benefits beyond general positivity about the relationship. Additionally,
observable shared reality behaviors predicted self reported shared reality and
(07:25):
meaning in life. So I think maybe I should just
talk about one of the studies so we understand what
it is. Each couple in a lab engaged in a
discussion where one partner shared their fears while the other
partner responded naturally. The researchers measured participants self reported shared
(07:45):
reality and meaning in life using established scales, and assessed
shared reality behaviors such as expressing agreement or finishing each
other's sentences. And they coded this kind of stuff, So
that's what they were looking for, just in case people
were wondering what that shared reality would be like. Another one.
(08:09):
Participants were randomly assigned those who were in a relationship
to recall either a high shared reality experience like feeling
on the same page with their partner, or one where
they felt disconnected from their partner's perspective, and then they
were able to talk about that and associate it to
the meaning in life. And the results showed that recalling
(08:34):
a high shared reality experience reduced uncertainty about the target
of the experience, which in turn increased meaning in life.
So the bottom line is they say we invest significant
time and energy in our relationships, and this research shows
why that effort matters. Close relationships, especially with romantic partners,
(08:59):
help us make sense of the world and provide a
sense of purpose. Building and nurturing these conditions is key
to navigating uncertainty and creating meaning in our lives. So
hopefully your partner brings some meaning to your life. But
when you share, I mean it makes sense, right when
(09:19):
you share an experience or when you're on the same
page as your partner, it really does feel like you're
going through life with your best friend. Right when your
partner can read your mind finish your sentences like yeah, yeah, yeah,
we feel the same way, you know that kind of thing.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
I also think, you know, life is so much about
smiling and laughing, yes, and that like that in a
great partner really makes everything better. Like there's nothing I
love more than being in a restaurant and looking around
and seeing couple smiling at each other, because it just
like immediately you go, hey, they enjoy each other. That's good,
(10:00):
and then you see the one table where it's clearly
they don't.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Right, well it is, Yeah, it's certainly more fun to
have a shared experience, There's no no question about that.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Yeah, all right, your questions will get answered here in
a moment.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
But our topic for this edition.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Of the podcast is micro cheating, and it's probably vague
in a lot of areas, and maybe what it is
in twenty twenty five isn't what microtreating was even say
in twenty fifteen. It's everything's changing so rapidly these days
with communications and social media platforms and AI and all
(10:38):
those things that are coming at us. It also impacts
our relationships. So let's start with micro cheating and maybe
how you defined it as we sit here right now.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
All right, So micro cheating basically sure refers to not
so obvious. You know, when we think about cheating, we
think of obvious things. These are subtle behaviors that have
nothing really to do with physical infidelity, but they still
kind of blur the lines of infidelity, right, especially emotional
(11:09):
or romantic stuff. So we're talking about actions that actually
involve secrecy. So secrecy is a big, you know, a
big part of betrayal. Right, if my partner, if I'm
doing things behind their back, it involves flirtation or some
(11:29):
kind of emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship in
a way that could be interpreted as inappropriate by a partner.
So what are we talking about. We're talking about and
again it's not the same for everybody. So every couple
might say, no, I'm okay with this and this doesn't
bother me, right for example, flirting, so flirting with someone else,
(11:54):
maybe your partner's okay with it, right, Maybe that's something
that But again, this is why those discussions are important,
especially if it's hidden from your partner. Obviously, you know,
if your partner goes to wherever and starts flirting with
other people, would this bother you? Would this not bother you?
So ask yourself those questions too.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
That's frequently because flirting is an interesting one to me
because I see, like, let's just say there's a woman,
it doesn't matter the sex, but she is naturally flirtatious
with everyone. She's charming, she's nice, she always you know,
maybe she's the person that touches your shoulder. She's naturally flirtatious.
(12:31):
When you are have a partner like that, where does
micro cheating come in? Because I know that there are
a lot of partners that they're like, I don't mind
that she's like that, or I don't mind that she's
like that dot dot dot until they do it to
a certain person.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Well, do you know what I know? I think I
think intent matters. Right, So it's just if you know
your partner is flirtatious from the get go and they're
just charming, like it's just part of their charm, and
they tend to do that with every with let's say
it's your husband and tends to do that with all
(13:11):
nature of females or what have you. Then and you're
okay with that, That wouldn't be micro cheating. It's something
you each know about each other and say, okay, I'm
okay with this, right, which is why you have to
talk about it. But we're talking about instances where this
is behavior that may be completely hidden. And this isn't
(13:33):
how your partner is in front of you, right, because
usually a partner who's flirtatious will do it in front
of you as well. Right, Okay, So this is about
hidden stuff secrecy, remember the secrecy part.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
Another example is somebody who frequently texts or messages someone
that they're attracted to. What if they're an example, I
don't know, they keep their somebody on Instagram like they
never met them in person, but there's they're having text
back and forth with somebody of a nature that is
(14:10):
I don't know, maybe a little more involved, right than
hey you look good, you know whatever. I don't know.
This I've seen also quite a bit in terms of
a couples that end up in my office mates that
keep an online dating profile. So one partner discovers that, hey,
(14:31):
why is my partner on bumble? Why is my partner
on you know? This is even though they haven't gone
out on dates, the swiping actions and the connections they
formed and the texting that happens is still going on.
So that's another certainly you know, I would say, it
would be hard to argue that this isn't crossing a line,
(14:55):
but the person doing it might say, Man, you know,
I'm not doing anything, I'm not meeting anybody, so therefore
I don't know. I don't know if you've ever done this.
But saving someone's number under a fake name again, secrecy
right liking or commenting flirtatiously on someone's social media posts,
(15:18):
reaching out to an x without telling your partner, Yep,
that would might be something considered micro cheating. So we're
not talking about being unfaithful in the traditional sense, but
we are talking about behaviors that can erode trust and
that can erode the emotional safety in a relationship. So
(15:41):
I think what's important is that in relationships, talking about
boundaries and expectations is really important, rather than just having
these assumptions that you know, what I think is cheating,
my partner's going to think is cheating, Or what I
(16:02):
think is honest, my partner's going to think is honest, etcetera, etcetera.
So addressing this really is important and takes you know,
honesty and a shared understanding of boundaries. We need to
be able to talk about this stuff.
Speaker 4 (16:21):
It's so fascinating.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Because I like, I like, I think of how people communicate,
and I can totally see how someone like I remember when.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
Facebook first started.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Oh yeah, she seems like forever ago, like I knew
nothing about it. And like a woman that I dated
like years ago, like sent me a message on Facebook
and she said something like, Oh, I hope everything's going well.
I just want you to know I bought a condo
and I'm really excited. I bought the condo and you know,
if you're ever in town, i'd love to show it
(16:57):
to you, like you know whatever. And I was like,
oh that. My reply was, oh, that'd be great, Like
that was my answer. And I was telling my wife
about this and I showed it to her.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
She's like, what are you doing? Like, I don't know.
She's like, that's like that's offensive. You can't do that.
I'm like, what am I doing?
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I said, Like, honestly, I said, I thought it was
like when the person says to you like, hey, let's
meet for coffee and you're like, oh, yeah, we should
meet for coffee, but you have no intention of ever
doing it.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
You're just being nice like oh yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
I'll see you later, I'm like, isn't that what I'm
doing on this? She goes, No, it's different on that.
I'm like, how is it different on that?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Oh? My yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
You know a lot of things be paying attention.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
When Facebook first came out, well, you know, there were
a lot of marriages that broke up. Why because connections
were being made with old flames, right, yeah, from like
high school and everything like that. So that ended up
happening quite a bit, and micro cheating was probably maybe
at its peak then, I don't know, or at least
(17:56):
the beginnings of it, right when people had to navigate
and like, is this cheating? I don't know.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
The other thing about it, too, is I think what's
different today than any other time in history is you
can live with someone in the same house and be
living and viewing the world totally different ways. Because on
your phone, your algorithm is sending you stuff, and on
(18:23):
my phone, my algorithm is sending me stuff.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
So you can be learning.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
About bad things or things that husbands have done to
you know, make women upset or whatever it is. Meanwhile,
I'm over here learning something totally different. And when I
do this thing and you see me doing it, it
reminds you of your bad thing, But I don't know
anything about your bad thing. I'm just trying to get
through my day. Like it's just crazy that way. Does
that make sense?
Speaker 3 (18:48):
Well, it does in the sense that we can be
living in the same house but living parallel lives as well,
because we are not. And it goes back to what
we were talking about at the beginning of the show
about you shared experiences, Right, So if we have shared experiences,
it increases the meaning of life. The less shared experiences
(19:08):
might give us less meaning. So I think it is
important that we are able to talk about this. But
so how do let's talk about how to talk about this?
Because it's really important. First of all, you want to
ask yourself a few questions, right, So, if like whatever
you're doing, ask yourself, would I be comfortable if my
(19:29):
partner saw or knew about this? That that's the number
one question for whatever action you're going to do?
Speaker 4 (19:37):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Am I keeping this interaction a secret? Am I emotionally
investing in someone else in the way in a way
that should belong to my partner? If the answer is
yes to any of these things, then of course you
need to be able to talk about this with your partner, right,
and it's not about making accusations. We have to be
(19:59):
careful about how we talk about this. Using eye statements
is the best way because if you say you or
why are you doing this? Or you're doing this, it
puts the other person on the defensive. So I think
it's important to be able to say that I feel
uncomfortable more than you are doing something, and to be
able to say that you'd love to talk about you know,
(20:21):
what's okay and what's not okay, and what feels okay,
and not making the assumption necessarily that your partner's going
behind your back, maybe them not knowing that this is
a bad thing. You know what is acceptable what is not.
So I think once you start that conversation, open it up.
You start you have to define the boundaries of your
relationship together. You have to talk openly about you know,
(20:44):
how do they feel about texting and dming other people?
How do you feel about relationships with exes? Some people
are quite insecure. Other people don't care, right, They're like sure,
I'm like, go ahead, you want to talk to your ex?
No big deal, because I'm secure or I know or
I trust that there are no unresolved feelings there, right,
(21:06):
So again that's why it's different for every couple and
why we need to have these conversations. Flirting, compliments and
social media activity that has to be discussed as well.
If you're uncomfortable with your partner messaging random women or
men on social media, then say so, right, and your
(21:28):
partner needs to kind of respect that as well because
your partner. Why would you want to make your partner uncomfortable?
Another boundary to think about is emotional the level of
emotional intimacy you develop with friends or coworkers. So I
think you have to develop these guidelines together so that
(21:50):
you could talk about what it is that you need,
et cetera. Now, sometimes people micro cheat to fill a gap.
So go back to what I was saying about the
the guy who keeps an online profile right and and
likes to be contacted by women. What what is this
(22:12):
person missing? Is it validation? Is it excitement? Is it connection?
These are things that should be questioned and and within
the relationship, like are we meeting each other's needs? Emotional needs,
physical needs? Do we feel appreciated, do we feel not
not seen? Et cetera, et cetera. So sometimes it's coming
(22:35):
from the relationship and that needs to be addressed. And
other times it's a personal problem that needs to be
looked at as well because it could be very destructive
to the relationship. So those are some of the things
that should be discussed within within the relationship. I don't
know if you have any other any other thoughts on that.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Living listening to you talk, my mind got racing so
much that we need to develop the social media site
that's four couples and you sign up together, and maybe
it's like you're posting things, you know, all the stuff
(23:16):
you're doing together, you're planning your life together.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
Like there could be a lot of applications in.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
It, but every once in a while there could be
like little tidbits where it's like a question pops up
that they both answer. So it's like, you know, what's
your favorite thing to do on a Friday night? And
I answer whatever it is and she answers whatever she is,
and then we both see each other's answers and we
can know each other. And then maybe another question comes
(23:41):
up where it's like, what's one thing that would bother
you if I did it?
Speaker 4 (23:45):
On social media and I type.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
In my answer and she types in her answer and
we share and then maybe there's you know, a way
to again, just like social media, you know, there's like
we went out for dinner with Karen and Phil and
I don't know, I think there's an idea. There's what
I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
We can solve the world, probably in another business and profit.
Oh you know, I don't know if we're going to
be able to get to you know, fix this like
the Again, it really really boils down to having good communication,
and it's important that you stay open to hearing from
(24:27):
your partner instead of being defensive. Like if your partner says, hey,
you know you're micro cheating or what have you, they
are concerned, they are feeling insecure, they are hurt by this.
So it's important to stay open, non defensive, validate your
partners feelings, even if you're being accused in a misunderstanding
(24:53):
kind of way, because sometimes it could be a totally
a total misunderstanding. And that's a possibilit as well, Right,
it's not always you know, once you talk it out
and what have you, you realize, Okay, that was a misunderstanding,
that wasn't a flirtatious thing. This is why I did this,
this is why I said this, and what have you.
(25:13):
So it's important that we talk about it, but at
least to be heard by your partner and not be like,
why do you crazy? Well, well, you know, like just
that level of overreacting is not okay. So you know,
hearing your partner is very important. So you need to
not get defensive. You need to validate their feelings. You
(25:36):
need to clarify your intention. So if you were not
trying to cross a line, you need to say that.
But without minimizing their discomfort. You can't just tell them
you're crazy right for thinking this, that's not okay. And
you need to be able to ask your partner, hey,
what would help you feel more secure you If it's
(25:58):
your partner that matter, then their feelings matter above the
your need to DM somebody.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
You know. It's interesting too.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
I think that's so important to ask that question about
what matters, because there are times where somebody assumes this
is what matters, Like I had a buddy of mine
tell me, like, I work really hard to make sure
that I take the kids to the park so my
wife can have a break, or I'll do something on
a Saturday. I'll make sure the girls come with me
(26:32):
so that she can have a break. And he found
out that that she didn't appreciate that, like the things
she was looking for that she would have appreciated were
a nice night out together with them having dinner, or
that them snuggling on the couch.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
And he was shocked.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
He was like, I thought I was being a great guy.
I thought I was being a dream husband giving her
all this free time, and in fact I was actually
pushing your away.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
Yeah, that's like buying your partner flowers because you think
it's romantic, but your partner hates flowers, right, and you
not hearing that they don't like flowers, and just thinking that, well,
aren't you supposed to bring flowers. Isn't that supposed to
be romantic and they really don't like flowers.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Well, and that's where the communication comes in exactly. Maybe
you know, maybe do fair and open mind. Like if
your husband brings you flowers all the time and you
don't like flowers, maybe you go, God, I don't like flowers.
But you step outside the bottle for a moment and go, Okay,
my husband brings me flowers all the time. I don't
(27:39):
like flowers, but why is he doing it? Well, the
world has conditioned men to think that flowers are things
women likes. Like, maybe he's trying to be nice and
I should be giving him points or at least let
him know that I would prefer chocolates or.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
Cars or maybe or at least try to communicate better
so he hears you. Yeah, or if he's still refusing
to hear you, you might want a question like why
isn't he hearing me? And the frustration is there, right,
It's like I don't understand why is he doing something
I've told him one hundred times. I don't appreciate there's
(28:15):
a certain level of my partner's not hearing me or
listening to me.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Let us now get to some questions from listeners. You,
of course can send them to doctor Lorii dot com
go to doctor Lory's website. Everything is there for you,
or of course you can direct messages on Instagram. We
do love your questions. Let's start with this one, doctor Lori. Hi,
I have a huge problem. My penis is very very sensitive.
(28:41):
I come in seconds exclamation mark. Any questions or thoughts.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
On that, Yeah, So it's limited information, right, Obviously we
can talk only generally here, So the only thing I
can suggest for if he's describing himself as a as
a very sensitive penis, there are things that can be
done to make it less sensitive, like numbing sprays. There
are numbing sprays that are used. The one that comes
(29:10):
to mind is called Promeiscent. It's a spray that's been
tested and used for men with premature ejaculation. I would
use a condom the numbing spray first condom. On top
of that, there's also exercises to train your penis to
last longer. So there's you know, you can go online.
(29:32):
Let me tell you chat GPT today. You can go
ask it anything. It will give you a whole formula
of what you need to do. So. But the first
step really is to pay attention to what your penis
is feeling. I think a lot of men who feel
sensitive or come quickly try to distract themselves, and it's
(29:52):
actually the wrong thing to do. It's to becoming aware
of what's going on in their penis is more important
than distracting yourself and thinking about baseball. You know, wall
arouse like this is not you don't want to get
rid of the arousal. You want to focus on the arousal,
so you become aware of your point of ejaculatory inevitability,
(30:15):
the no turning back moment. And once you start understanding
where that moment is, you pay attention to just before
you get to that point of no return, and you practice.
You practice this with masturbation by starting and stopping and
starting and stopping. So if none of these things help,
there are medications, basically the use of low dose antidepressants
(30:43):
which are not enough to treat depression, but enough to
induce the side effects that seem to work to delay ejaculation.
So this is you know, that's something that they can
talk to their doctor about. So there's some stuff to
be done about this. You just have to experiment a
little bit and try with different things.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
I like the idea of my wife asking me the question, honey,
did you ask CHATCHPT for penis exercises? And I also
like the idea of like a buddy calling and saying, hey,
you want to go golfing tonight.
Speaker 4 (31:16):
I'm like, I got my penis exercising tonight. I can't
right chat GPT can do anything, though. That is true.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Also in the mail bag, this is a very interesting one.
Doctor Lorie, my wife, recently brought up the idea of
having a threesome to spice things up. At first, the
idea was great, but the more we talked about it,
and the more I think about our relationship, I don't
know if it's strong enough to survive such a thing.
She claims she is Christian and that it would just
(31:47):
be sex, but I feel like if she was a
true believer, she would understand that it's not okay. I
also can't help but think she since she says her
fantasy is to do it with another guy, that if
I don't play along, she might just do it without.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Me one day. This is a lot of things in
one question.
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Oh my god. Yes, and this person's concerns are are
quite valid. I think you know they have if they
have any doubt of the strength of the relationship to
handle this kind of situation, you definitely need to talk
a hell of a lot more about it. You need
(32:28):
to talk about all the potential consequences of introducing another
person into the mix. I mean, there's many things like,
how are you going to feel seeing her with another man?
How are you going to handle your jealous feelings? What
would she say if you want to bring in another woman,
what if it's good for her but not good for you.
(32:50):
How are you going to handle that in the relationship?
What if you want to stop midway because you're uncomfortable
with the situation. I think doing something that you don't
believe in because you're scared that she may go elsewhere
to me indicates a much deeper issue that needs to
be addressed. Frankly, and before anything goes any further, you
(33:14):
should seek help from a marriage counselor to discuss this
and maybe find one who is open to talking about
open relationships, like who knows more about that and versus
maybe a Christian counselor, for example, where this would not
be an option or it's not something that they can
(33:35):
talk about. But I'm also conflicted about that because he says, well,
she's a Christian, maybe she needs to hear from a
Christian counselor. I don't know, but you want to have
this conversation. So there's a lot of conflicting ideas going
on here and conflicting values going on here. So those
have to be addressed before you bring anybody into the
(33:58):
mix way before.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
What are the steps because I would imagine this is
frequently in relationships where one partner wants to do something
and it could be sexual, or it could be travel,
it could be anything. One person in the relationship is like,
I just want to do this in my life, and
the other person, for legitimate reasons, is against it.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
How do you navigate through that?
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Like travel is easy because it's not maybe it's just
as intimate because there's time away, or it impacts finances
or whatever, But like, how do you navigate that through?
Where in the end one person is going to have
to give up on their dream or their position.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
That's where in a relationship you need to negotiate. There
has to be some negotiation and compromise. And this is
why values shared values are so important. For example, you can't,
you know, imagine if one partner values polyamory and the
other one doesn't. That's complicated. How do you compromise on that.
(35:08):
You might have one person that says, okay, I'm okay
if you do it, but I don't want to do it.
That's one scenario. It's an unlikely scenario, but I've seen
it happen that way. You know, when it's fundamental things,
it's really difficult. Like travel. You know, maybe I want
(35:29):
to see Japan and you don't. Well, maybe I'll just
go with a group of girlfriends, or I'll go on
an organized trip. If you don't really want to go,
like that's okay, you don't. Why would you deprive your
partner of visiting a place that's on their bucket list
just because you don't necessarily want to go. Or you say, okay,
we'll go there, but then we'll go somewhere else that
(35:52):
I want to go, right, and you compromise on that.
When it comes to sexuality, you're talking about the integrity
of your boss. Like just you know, if one says
I want to be in an open relationship and I
want to have sex with a bunch of other people,
and I want you to have sex with a bunch
of other people because that would turn me on. Wait
a minute, it's my body. How do I you know,
(36:12):
if I don't want to go and have sex with
other people, why should I just so you're pleased? That's
not going to work. So there's It gets a bit
more complex when it involves the other person's body.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
Frankly, and what about when you have these crazy life
changes that people experience. They're very happy in their life.
Everything is great, they have a perfect marriage, and then
one gets cancer, or one's parent dies, or something that
they win, the lottery, whatever it is, they have a
radical shift in their life where they find themselves going.
Speaker 4 (36:54):
Holy crap, I feel differently about a lot of things now.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
My opinion on a lot of things has changed because
the world shocked.
Speaker 4 (37:03):
Me into a different viewpoint. And your partner isn't in
that same place. What do you do?
Speaker 2 (37:08):
Like, I imagine like we sort of in a cliche sense,
always talk about, you know, men and their mid life
crisises and things like that, and I think those are
real things that actually do happen. How do you negotiate
that when a person has almost changed the next day
from the person they were the day before.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Well, it rarely happens exactly that way, but things can
certainly affect us deeply and can change the course of
our lives or the course of our thinking. I think
this is where it's really important to have a sounding
board somebody on the outside and an objective listener, observer
(37:49):
whatever to hear you out and to bounce things off
of and to try to figure out what is going on.
Sometimes there's a lot of grief work. Sometimes it's a
reevaluating of your relationship, of your whatever however you want
to spend the rest of your life, et cetera, et cetera.
(38:10):
So I think talking it through with somebody and then
have being able to talk it through with your own partner,
because look, sometimes midlife crisis, like a true crisis like
the one you just described is could lead to infidelity,
could lead to some other form of running away, you know,
(38:31):
that kind of thing, So it could be very destructive
to the relationship. I think before that happens, it would
be great to have somebody to talk it through with.
That's why we're here. That's why therapists need to be
able to talk these things through and see where you're
at and change direction if you need to write, Yeah
(38:51):
for sure.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
And again I think that's the purpose of this podcast,
to not only throw out all of the things life
will throw back at you, but to give you some
resources or tactics to when it does hit you go
all right. They were talking about that this is where
I should consider this, that or the other thing.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
Right exactly.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
On the next edition of Passion, we will be talking
about Lube one.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
Oh, one, everything you want to know about loube just
what you want everyone.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
I had to pause because I wasn't sure what I
was reading. But why should we not be talking about lube.
We've covered everything.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Else and we'll have a specialist, a lube specialist on
to talk about it.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
How's that nice? I think this is what people come for.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I absolutely love it. Some people to thank for this
edition of the podcast.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Yes, well, thank you all for tuning in. Certainly we
appreciate your listenership. Thanks to Stephen Voyce who is our
musical consultant, direct or whatever we want to call him.
But all the music you hear on this podcast in
between segments is his original music and he allows us
to play it. So thank you very much. And he
happens to be one of my favorite artists Canadian artists,
(40:11):
I might add, so thank you very much for that.
And John, thank you for being part of this with
me as well.
Speaker 4 (40:17):
I am happy to do it.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Of course, if you are on any platform and you
can give us a like, a comment, or a share,
it always helps the algorithm serve up our content to
more people just like you, so we would certainly appreciate
that you do that I don't know whether we're number
eight or six on the highest ranking sex podcast on
the planet, but thank you for that. Whoever submitted us
and voted for us, that's very nice. We appreciate it,
(40:41):
and Doctor Lori we will chat next time.
Speaker 1 (40:43):
We shall take care of John Passion with doctor Lori,
Btito and John Paul. To submit questions, business inquiries, or
just to connect, visit doctor Laurie dot com. Thank you
for supporting Passion
Speaker 4 (41:01):
Hands Dost
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