December 24, 2024 • 58 mins
Dr. Laurie discusses "Why most divorces are initiated by women". You'll also hear answers to listener submitted questions, and get Dr. Laurie's take on "Sex in the News". You'll also hear answers to listener submitted questions, and get Dr. Laurie's take on "Sex in the News".
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Passion with doctor Lori Batito and John Paul.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
A great question on this edition of the podcast. Why
are most divorces initiated by women? And what is the
guy's role in all of this? Doctor Lori, we have
talked about this before that women are usually the ones
that fail, the straw is broken, the line is crossed,
(00:26):
and they're the ones kicking things off when it comes
to the big old dam.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Yeah, And I'm not sure why it is, Like I
often question because statistically something like eighty percent of divorces
are initiated by women, So women are the ones who
make the decision to end. And sometimes I wonder is
it that men are more tolerant that for men it's
(00:51):
not a problem. Is it that they women just end
up getting fed up? Guys don't listen, Like, I don't know,
I'm wondering what is it that causes mostly the women
to say, Okay, I'm checking out now. And I see
this in my practice right where last ditch efforts, like
(01:11):
the husband's finally agreed to go to therapy, but it's
sometimes a little too late, right, It's like okay, okay,
I'll go to therapy, I'll go to therapy because now
she's saying, I'm out of here. And then you know,
so then I see how that pattern like where did
that pattern come from? Right? Like why was there so
much ignoring of the problem for so long? And then
(01:35):
once it's clear she wants out that he jumps into
kicks into gear like we need to help. Maybe couples
understand or men understand more what they need to do
before you get to that point, because that point can
be a point of no return at that you know,
(01:57):
when it gets that far, when you're part or has
disconnected that much, and then you finally say, okay, fine,
I'll go for I'll go for help. You need to
go for help way before that point.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Yeah, do you think it's that men like because I
have the unique ability of thinking like one. Sometimes I
think sometimes men they don't like to give up on things. Right,
they've gone through a life where they've seen, you know,
whether they love sports or whatever it is where you know,
(02:31):
war movies where it's like, you know, we don't give up.
We never give up. You know, somewhere down deep inside
us and our subconscious we just feel that we'll never
give up. And even though they might completely logically understand
like this marriage ain't going nowhere. They just don't want
to be the one to give up, whereas women might
be more logical where they just go, I don't want
(02:54):
to waste like women women have. I hear women say
in movies and TV shows. I don't want to wait
my time on a guy that's not worth it or
if he's not marriage material. I don't want to waste
my time. So is it just that women are like
more logical and men are just like they just don't
want to be the one to give up. They want
to hold onto the rope even though they know they're
(03:15):
not going to survive. They know they're going to fall
off at some point. They're not going to let go
until their body just doesn't give them another.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Choice or someone else makes a decision for them.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Well that's it. And that might also be kind of
the woosout element, right, it's like, well, if you do it,
then you know, I don't get the blame of you know,
like I can say I was a big, strong guy
holding on and you're the one who gave up.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, I mean, listen, we're going to talk to somebody
who works with men. So he's a coach for men
and that helps men. They call it a coach for
marital recovery. So let's see, because he does help men
try to get that back. And what does it mean?
(04:00):
So I really and I have questions about like is
it gender roles? Is it that our gender roles are
so not clearly defined anymore? You know, it's the man's job,
the woman's job, Like we don't have that anymore. So
is that like are we catching up? Is there a
problem with that? So these are the things that I
(04:20):
want to ask in terms of, you know, what is
it that men are contributing to this process and what
can they do to prevent this or what their role
might be in all of this. I'm not saying it's
one person's fault or another, believe me, but it'll be
interesting just to get another perspective, you know, especially for
(04:41):
me as a woman and as a therapist, and I
see couples. I want to see what he gets from
the guys, just the guys.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Right, yeah, all right, Well we're going to get to
that in a little bit of course. We also have
your answers to questions that have been submitted and we'll
kick things off. Your sex in the news and some
stories we're seen in the headlines will start with this one.
Are you ready for a relationship? Which is a question
(05:10):
maybe some people never.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Ask themselves right exactly. And this was posted by the
good Men Project speaking of men, and it was originally
published I think on medium dot com and it's quite simple.
This is an article written by Nisha Ariya Ahmed who
talks about asking yourself three questions, three questions that should
(05:35):
help you determine if you're ready to have an actual,
real relationship. And I thought this is interesting. Am I
generous enough? Does my generosity allow me to be in
a real relationship? A relationship without any strings attached, a
friendship with no purpose. She goes on to say, when
(05:57):
you're in a relationship, it is no longer about you
as an individual anymore. You are responsible for the other
person the same way they are responsible for you. A
part of that is learning the ins and outs of
your partner, what makes them happy, and how you can
add to their happiness. And with this means you are
doing for the other person without wanting to get something
(06:21):
out of it. That is generosity. Number two is do
you truly respect people? Can you be around people and
respect their opinions. Do you struggle to be around people
that have different views of you? Are you very opinionated
about other people's life decisions? If yes to any of these,
you may have some work to do before getting into
(06:41):
a relationship. And she's the person says and I say
this because you're not ever going to find a duplicate
of yourself, someone who shares the exact same train of thoughts,
opinions and moral compass, etc. You need to understand that
once you start a life with someone, you need to
respect them and even the people around them. Not all
of them will be your cup of tea, but you
(07:02):
need to understand how to maneuver them in a respectful way.
Respect is greater than love. And finally, are you willing
to compromise? Relationships aren't just about great date nights with
a mating food, amazing food and in ten sex. It's
more than that. That is why a lot of people
fail at maintaining relationships. When you enter relationship, you sign
(07:25):
a contract that you will be obligated to that somebody.
You have a duty of care for them. The road
will not always be easy. You're going to bump heads, disagree,
get frustrated, that is normal. You need you will not
find a duplicate of yourself. Therefore, you are going to
bump heads. So this is where compromise comes into play.
(07:49):
It may not be exactly what you want to do,
but you find a happy medium for the two of you.
So if you can answer these three questions with an
authentic yes, you are ready to step into the dating
world where you are actively looking for a progressive relationship.
If you are unsure, reflect and understand what you want
(08:10):
from life. Maybe you don't want a relationship, Maybe you
just want to travel the world or discover yourself for
a little while, and then go back to those three questions.
It's a little simplified, but they are important questions to
ask of oneself to be you know, because you know
and I know we've been in both been in relationships
for decades, decades. We need there's a lot of you
(08:33):
have to give of yourself quite a bit, right, yeah,
a little bit. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Let me ask you this as a therapist, do you
ever find yourself watching like Love Island or Love is
Blind or these sort of dating shows on TV with
these young people that are put in weird situations to
find love. Do you ever watch those shows.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
So, in all honesty, I hate reality shows. Hey, like
my pet, I.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Hate them as a consumer.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
As a consumer, I I don't like watching reality shows.
I it's because they're not real, because they're not really real.
They're manufactured a lot of it, and I just they
bug me. They bug me. But I you know, my
kids watch them. They love those shows, so they tell
(09:24):
me about it.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, I get sucked in because my wife likes them.
And when I watch them, you know, I'm always entertained
because there's always somebody that I'm like, hey, wow, you're
really dumb. How do you make it through life? And
I have so many questions, And there's other people that
you're like, God, why does she like them? He's such
a sleezeball or you know, she's you know, she's going
to be hind maintenance. My man, get away, run you
(09:46):
get You get to see it without feeling like you're
insulting anyone because they're on TV.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Zone, right.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
But the one thing that I keep coming back to
because a lot of in the world I live in,
my sons don't watch it at all, but the young
women in my life, my daughter, my niece, you know,
my son's longtime girlfriend. They do watch them, and I
just wonder what these shows are the influence, Yeah, the
(10:14):
influencerre having on the future of dating good because point
the women on the shows, they all seem to see
the same they all kind of say the same things.
So clearly in that generation, you know, they're viewing dating
oh differently than I did, that's for sure, which maybe
is not a bad thing. I just wonder if the
(10:35):
influence is too much. Like we only had the dating
game when we were young, and it was thirty minutes
and it was clearly a game and it was fun.
I don't think it influenced anyone on how we are No, no, no,
this is different.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Though, Yeah, I don't. I don't know. I mean, that's
a good question. I'd love to see as someone study
that actually, because there is an influence of those kinds
of how could all media it has an influence on generations.
So I just I wonder how and what Like you
just have to ask the right questions to find out.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Now, one more in the headlines the highs and lows
of hard launching a breakup.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So I don't know if you've heard it yet, that's
a good question. So this was posted in Cosmopolitan magazine
an article by Lois Shearing, who says we've entered a
new era where people are starting to post loud, proud
notices of their splits on social media. That's a hard
(11:36):
launch of a breakup, announcing it to the world, according
to this author. On TikTok, the search we broke Up
has seventy two point six million views, with people posting
stories and videos explaining how and why their relationship ended.
(11:57):
Many of the videos are by influencers whose relationship or
partner was central to their content. Some influencer couples have
even taken to posting with their acts, letting their audience
know as gently as possible that they won't be posting
together anymore, so basically making the breakup part of whatever
plot or whatever. But apparently it's not just influencers who
(12:20):
are doing it. Some regular folk have taken to announcing
their breakups online too, so, as one Reddit user explains
about announcing their breakup online, I don't remember what I
did with my first breakup, but with the most recent breakup,
I posted something on close Friends and that's about it.
Just didn't want to do the whole rigmarole of telling people.
(12:42):
Sometimes these posts become viral moments, which is what happened
to TikTok user blah blah blah, who posted a video
of someone crying with mascara running down their face at
a restaurant with the caption pov we broke up during
our five year anniversary meal. While it may feel a
bit extreme to post an announcement like we're we're suddenly
(13:03):
the Royals, it's not an entirely new phenomenon either. You know,
Facebook launch pretty much twenty years ago, and Facebook still
allows users to post their relationship status. So when you
change your status from you know, married or in a
relationship to single, it's kind of an announcement. Huh. So
(13:24):
there you go. It's a maybe not as hard launching,
but it is certainly an announcement. And so it goes
on to talk about the downside the downsides to hard
launching your breakups, particularly if you're doing it outside the
confines of your Instagram close friends. You're exposing a deeply
(13:44):
personal moment to what is essentially a bunch of randos.
This can be thorny, not only because of your own vulnerability,
but also because there's someone else involved and their privacy
deserves to be respected too, So there's for sure some
people who post or share do it to get people
(14:07):
to take sides in the breakup, or maybe to get
back at someone who's wrong them by publicly shaming them.
So that sounds like a downside. Of course, this becomes
even more complicated when things like cheating or betrayal are involved,
you know, I mean, there's that's a problem, right, And
then this article, which I found really interesting, celebrating your
(14:32):
divorce is becoming big business. I don't know if you
realize that, but the term divorce party ideas has seen
one hundred and twenty percent increase in the past year,
and divorce party decorations has seen a four hundred percent
increase in the past five years, according to Google Trends.
(14:53):
Etsy has also reportedly seen a two hundred and sixty
six percent increase in searches for items celebrating divorce just
in the past month. So this is business now. So
this announcing and celebrating divorces and breakup it's like big shit.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Now, yeah, yeap, who would have thought.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Eh, well, it's certainly not how we grew up.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
A bunch of people on a border We've got to
corner the divorce market.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
I'm sure if you had ten divorced women in a room,
there's nine that go, God, I want that coffee mug
that says divorced and proud or finally got rid of
two hundred pounds of weight or whatever the funny joke is.
And I'm sure there's some dudes that are like, you know,
they want that beer coozy. I'm being overly stereotypical here,
(15:54):
but you know, they want that beer coozy that says
free at last or whatever.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
But you know, interestingly not if I don't think I've
ever heard men talk about divorce parties. I've only heard
women talk about divorce parties. Like only only women.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
I would agree with that.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, and this kind of goes with, you know the
theme of today. It's like, what's going on? What's going on?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
All? Right? Well, we will remind you to join our
Instagram community. If you haven't followed us on Instagram, go
over there because then that way you can direct message
just and see a lot of the posts and things
like that. So go do that on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Absolutely passion with doctor Lori and John Paul, we'd love
to hear from you. Send us your questions as well.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
We are going to answer some of your questions in
a moment. But first, why are divorces being initiated by women?
And what do the dudes need to know? And what
are they up to? Okay, yep from the mail bag,
doctor LORI a couple questions if you're ready. Number one.
(16:57):
I had one other big relationship in my life and
we never ever fought. It's not that we didn't have problems,
it's just that we didn't get into big blowout fights. Well,
in my current relationship, things are different. Some of them
have been alcohol fueled, but with less going but with
less going out to the bars on the horizon. Now
(17:20):
they just happen when we're chilling at home. It's not
all the time. It's really only once a month or so.
But she gets really combative and defensive and I do too.
We make up and we move on, but I'm still
not used to fighting being a regular part of my life.
Is that normal? Does it mean that we're immature? Is
there any way to stop it? This is a great observation.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, great, and immaturity possibly. You know, it's not about
the fighting so much about how it is that you
resolve conflict. That really counts, right, Like, I worry far
more about couples who never ever fight, because that tells
me either you might be avoiding issues or avoiding conflict,
(18:07):
or that one person wants to keep the peace and
so they suck it up and over time, that really
is not helpful. So that doesn't you know, that doesn't
work either. Disagreements are perfectly normal. You're not the same person,
you each have differing opinions, et cetera, et cetera. But
regular blowouts with no resolution where you just kiss and
(18:29):
make up, but you never actually resolve the crisis or
you never resolve the issue you were fighting about. Over time,
this is going to put a strain on the relationship. Absolutely.
So it's very possible that in this situation you have
very different communication styles and maybe you're just not understanding
each other. Part of being a good communicator is to
(18:51):
be a good listener, and so maybe you just need
some tools to communicate together. Because when you have very
different and communication styles, you could get very defensive. Right,
You're not quite getting what the other person is saying,
So you take the defensive role and then it just
goes back and forth and back and forth. It becomes
(19:12):
a power struggle. So in a situation like this, maybe
getting a therapist who can help you to at least
help you learn some important communication tools together because you
have these different styles, would go a really long way.
Maybe a couple of sessions, you know, Yeah, you.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Know what it's I would actually say when they say,
doesn't mean we're immature, maybe, but the maturity is showing
in the question yes and good point, the desire for resolution.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Good point exactly, and that that was a mature question,
just recognizing it right, being able to recognize and have
the self awareness and which is which gives me far
more hope for a couple like that because of that
self awareness.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I'm chuckling because of my own immaturity, because I'm reading
into the line that says it only happens about once
a month or so. Reading it, I was like, oh.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
That's a lot.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
That mean, yeah, well once a month. You know what
could be the reason of this fighting?
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Oh okay, I see why you're chuckling.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Okay, I'm being immature and entertainment are immature. I'm sure
it has nothing John, grow up, I know couldn't help myself.
I went back to you know, grade eighth. One more
question here. I'm an eighteen year old girl and I
haven't had sex yet, but I want to. But I'm
scared my vagina hole is too small. I've tried inserting
(20:49):
my fingers. I can only fit one finger in my vagina.
What shall I do when I get to the stage
of having sex. I'm scared in case a penis can't
get in there.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
So probably a typical fear of younger women. I would think,
first of all, you need to know about vagina's. Vaginas
are absolutely amazing organs that can really stretch. I mean, listen,
lets a baby out. That's quite the stretch, right, So
don't forget that first penetration can certainly be a bit uncomfortable,
(21:23):
and that usually changes after you've had intercourse a couple
of times, but you have when you're ready to have sex.
First of all, you want to make sure you are
well aroused. So sometimes even if you're trying to stick
a finger in your own vagina, you might not be
aroused and lubricated and relaxed. Your vagina needs to be
(21:43):
more relaxed, and then it will be more stretchable, let's
just say, and that helps like tremendously. So make sure
there's lots and lots of foreplay before even attempting penetration.
And you get your partner to stimulate the clitorist a
little bit, then you have to kind of slowly, you know,
practice with inserting their finger. They can start with one finger,
(22:07):
then they can go to two fingers. So if and
this is like, this is important because if you have
continued pain with any kind of insertion, it's time to
have it checked out. Don't suffer silently. I see too
many women who just give up and just avoid sex,
(22:29):
but don't deal with the cause of the pain. And
so checking it out with your gynecologist or a sex
therapist is important. Like you need to talk to your
doctor about the pain, You need to talk to your
doctor about birth control. You need to keep yourself safe
from sexually transmit infection. So there are lots of things
to consider before you go and be sexual. So that's
(22:51):
what I you know, like they shouldn't be hurting you.
Sex should not be hurting you. But oftentimes for women
there's a psychological component to it. So fear of pain
can cause the vagina to Titan like to to it's
like a muscle contraction, so it will contract and then
it will make it more difficult for penetration, which makes
(23:13):
it more painful, and then the next time more contraction
because now you're really anticipating the pain because you felt
the pain, and it just this pattern that you get
into and then you develop almost like an instinct to
close up. And this is how women develop a condition
like vaginismus, which is very treatable, but we need to
You don't want to let it get that far if
(23:34):
you can avoid it. So if there is pain, like
get all the information you can see a gynecologist and
you know, work on that and just don't wait too
long before you consult with somebody to help you figure
this out.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Makes sense. On the next edition of the podcast, we
will be talking about getting STI tests and what you
need to know about that probably helpful for many.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
And many for all ages. By the way, STI testing
for people over sixty five as well as for younger
people and anybody in between who are sexually active and
non monogamous. Right, so obviously those of us who are
in monogamous marriages or relationships, you know STI testing is
(24:27):
not shouldn't be necessary unless somebody is acting out, And
I've had many of those cases where people have developed
sexually transmitted infections and realized through that that their partner
was cheating. So you know, like how devastating. So protecting
(24:48):
yourself is something else we'll talk about as well. And
it maybe it feels like a going back to basics thing,
but often people ask like when should I get tested
and how like why should I get them? What should
I get tested for? So these are things that we
will definitely address.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
Well, we've talked about this before as well, that in
the senior's realm, who maybe this is so far out
of their really day to day but we know that
there's a lot of seniors that are really getting it
on a lot and need to be reminded to on.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Hey, you know, if you have a single parents as
an adult, you're going to have to have the sex
talk with them. Like it's reversal now, right, It's like
now you have to start talking to them about safe sex.
So yeah, it's an uncomfortable situation to say the least.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
That's funny, excellent, all right, test some people to thank
for this edition of the podcast.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yes, Thank you to all of our listeners, really appreciate
you being with us on this journey. Thank you to
Stephen Voyce, who is our musical director. All the music
you hear on this podcast is his original music, so
we truly appreciate that. And of course thank you John
for being part of my journey here.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Well, you are welcome. If you are listening on a
platform that allows a review with your five stars, a comment,
a thumbs up, whatever, please make sure you do that.
Help out the podcast and the algorithm will share us
with more people just like you, and that would be awesome.
Doctor Lori, we will.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Chat zoom, we shall take care. John Passion with doctor
Lori Botito and John Paul.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
To submit questions, business inquiries, or just to connect, visit
doctor Lorii dot com.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Thank you for supporting Passion
This is Passion with doctor Lori Batito and John Paul.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
A great question on this edition of the podcast. Why
are most divorces initiated by women? And what is the
guy's role in all of this? Doctor Lori, we have
talked about this before that women are usually the ones
that fail, the straw is broken, the line is crossed,
(00:26):
and they're the ones kicking things off when it comes
to the big old dam.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Yeah, And I'm not sure why it is, Like I
often question because statistically something like eighty percent of divorces
are initiated by women, So women are the ones who
make the decision to end. And sometimes I wonder is
it that men are more tolerant that for men it's
(00:51):
not a problem. Is it that they women just end
up getting fed up? Guys don't listen, Like, I don't know,
I'm wondering what is it that causes mostly the women
to say, Okay, I'm checking out now. And I see
this in my practice right where last ditch efforts, like
(01:11):
the husband's finally agreed to go to therapy, but it's
sometimes a little too late, right, It's like okay, okay,
I'll go to therapy, I'll go to therapy because now
she's saying, I'm out of here. And then you know,
so then I see how that pattern like where did
that pattern come from? Right? Like why was there so
much ignoring of the problem for so long? And then
(01:35):
once it's clear she wants out that he jumps into
kicks into gear like we need to help. Maybe couples
understand or men understand more what they need to do
before you get to that point, because that point can
be a point of no return at that you know,
(01:57):
when it gets that far, when you're part or has
disconnected that much, and then you finally say, okay, fine,
I'll go for I'll go for help. You need to
go for help way before that point.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Yeah, do you think it's that men like because I
have the unique ability of thinking like one. Sometimes I
think sometimes men they don't like to give up on things. Right,
they've gone through a life where they've seen, you know,
whether they love sports or whatever it is where you know,
(02:31):
war movies where it's like, you know, we don't give up.
We never give up. You know, somewhere down deep inside
us and our subconscious we just feel that we'll never
give up. And even though they might completely logically understand
like this marriage ain't going nowhere. They just don't want
to be the one to give up, whereas women might
be more logical where they just go, I don't want
(02:54):
to waste like women women have. I hear women say
in movies and TV shows. I don't want to wait
my time on a guy that's not worth it or
if he's not marriage material. I don't want to waste
my time. So is it just that women are like
more logical and men are just like they just don't
want to be the one to give up. They want
to hold onto the rope even though they know they're
(03:15):
not going to survive. They know they're going to fall
off at some point. They're not going to let go
until their body just doesn't give them another.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Choice or someone else makes a decision for them.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Well that's it. And that might also be kind of
the woosout element, right, it's like, well, if you do it,
then you know, I don't get the blame of you know,
like I can say I was a big, strong guy
holding on and you're the one who gave up.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, I mean, listen, we're going to talk to somebody
who works with men. So he's a coach for men
and that helps men. They call it a coach for
marital recovery. So let's see, because he does help men
try to get that back. And what does it mean?
(04:00):
So I really and I have questions about like is
it gender roles? Is it that our gender roles are
so not clearly defined anymore? You know, it's the man's job,
the woman's job, Like we don't have that anymore. So
is that like are we catching up? Is there a
problem with that? So these are the things that I
(04:20):
want to ask in terms of, you know, what is
it that men are contributing to this process and what
can they do to prevent this or what their role
might be in all of this. I'm not saying it's
one person's fault or another, believe me, but it'll be
interesting just to get another perspective, you know, especially for
(04:41):
me as a woman and as a therapist, and I
see couples. I want to see what he gets from
the guys, just the guys.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Right, yeah, all right, Well we're going to get to
that in a little bit of course. We also have
your answers to questions that have been submitted and we'll
kick things off. Your sex in the news and some
stories we're seen in the headlines will start with this one.
Are you ready for a relationship? Which is a question
(05:10):
maybe some people never.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Ask themselves right exactly. And this was posted by the
good Men Project speaking of men, and it was originally
published I think on medium dot com and it's quite simple.
This is an article written by Nisha Ariya Ahmed who
talks about asking yourself three questions, three questions that should
(05:35):
help you determine if you're ready to have an actual,
real relationship. And I thought this is interesting. Am I
generous enough? Does my generosity allow me to be in
a real relationship? A relationship without any strings attached, a
friendship with no purpose. She goes on to say, when
(05:57):
you're in a relationship, it is no longer about you
as an individual anymore. You are responsible for the other
person the same way they are responsible for you. A
part of that is learning the ins and outs of
your partner, what makes them happy, and how you can
add to their happiness. And with this means you are
doing for the other person without wanting to get something
(06:21):
out of it. That is generosity. Number two is do
you truly respect people? Can you be around people and
respect their opinions. Do you struggle to be around people
that have different views of you? Are you very opinionated
about other people's life decisions? If yes to any of these,
you may have some work to do before getting into
(06:41):
a relationship. And she's the person says and I say
this because you're not ever going to find a duplicate
of yourself, someone who shares the exact same train of thoughts,
opinions and moral compass, etc. You need to understand that
once you start a life with someone, you need to
respect them and even the people around them. Not all
of them will be your cup of tea, but you
(07:02):
need to understand how to maneuver them in a respectful way.
Respect is greater than love. And finally, are you willing
to compromise? Relationships aren't just about great date nights with
a mating food, amazing food and in ten sex. It's
more than that. That is why a lot of people
fail at maintaining relationships. When you enter relationship, you sign
(07:25):
a contract that you will be obligated to that somebody.
You have a duty of care for them. The road
will not always be easy. You're going to bump heads, disagree,
get frustrated, that is normal. You need you will not
find a duplicate of yourself. Therefore, you are going to
bump heads. So this is where compromise comes into play.
(07:49):
It may not be exactly what you want to do,
but you find a happy medium for the two of you.
So if you can answer these three questions with an
authentic yes, you are ready to step into the dating
world where you are actively looking for a progressive relationship.
If you are unsure, reflect and understand what you want
(08:10):
from life. Maybe you don't want a relationship, Maybe you
just want to travel the world or discover yourself for
a little while, and then go back to those three questions.
It's a little simplified, but they are important questions to
ask of oneself to be you know, because you know
and I know we've been in both been in relationships
for decades, decades. We need there's a lot of you
(08:33):
have to give of yourself quite a bit, right, yeah,
a little bit. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Let me ask you this as a therapist, do you
ever find yourself watching like Love Island or Love is
Blind or these sort of dating shows on TV with
these young people that are put in weird situations to
find love. Do you ever watch those shows.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
So, in all honesty, I hate reality shows. Hey, like
my pet, I.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Hate them as a consumer.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
As a consumer, I I don't like watching reality shows.
I it's because they're not real, because they're not really real.
They're manufactured a lot of it, and I just they
bug me. They bug me. But I you know, my
kids watch them. They love those shows, so they tell
(09:24):
me about it.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, I get sucked in because my wife likes them.
And when I watch them, you know, I'm always entertained
because there's always somebody that I'm like, hey, wow, you're
really dumb. How do you make it through life? And
I have so many questions, And there's other people that
you're like, God, why does she like them? He's such
a sleezeball or you know, she's you know, she's going
to be hind maintenance. My man, get away, run you
(09:46):
get You get to see it without feeling like you're
insulting anyone because they're on TV.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Zone, right.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
But the one thing that I keep coming back to
because a lot of in the world I live in,
my sons don't watch it at all, but the young
women in my life, my daughter, my niece, you know,
my son's longtime girlfriend. They do watch them, and I
just wonder what these shows are the influence, Yeah, the
(10:14):
influencerre having on the future of dating good because point
the women on the shows, they all seem to see
the same they all kind of say the same things.
So clearly in that generation, you know, they're viewing dating
oh differently than I did, that's for sure, which maybe
is not a bad thing. I just wonder if the
(10:35):
influence is too much. Like we only had the dating
game when we were young, and it was thirty minutes
and it was clearly a game and it was fun.
I don't think it influenced anyone on how we are No, no, no,
this is different.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Though, Yeah, I don't. I don't know. I mean, that's
a good question. I'd love to see as someone study
that actually, because there is an influence of those kinds
of how could all media it has an influence on generations.
So I just I wonder how and what Like you
just have to ask the right questions to find out.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Now, one more in the headlines the highs and lows
of hard launching a breakup.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
So I don't know if you've heard it yet, that's
a good question. So this was posted in Cosmopolitan magazine
an article by Lois Shearing, who says we've entered a
new era where people are starting to post loud, proud
notices of their splits on social media. That's a hard
(11:36):
launch of a breakup, announcing it to the world, according
to this author. On TikTok, the search we broke Up
has seventy two point six million views, with people posting
stories and videos explaining how and why their relationship ended.
(11:57):
Many of the videos are by influencers whose relationship or
partner was central to their content. Some influencer couples have
even taken to posting with their acts, letting their audience
know as gently as possible that they won't be posting
together anymore, so basically making the breakup part of whatever
plot or whatever. But apparently it's not just influencers who
(12:20):
are doing it. Some regular folk have taken to announcing
their breakups online too, so, as one Reddit user explains
about announcing their breakup online, I don't remember what I
did with my first breakup, but with the most recent breakup,
I posted something on close Friends and that's about it.
Just didn't want to do the whole rigmarole of telling people.
(12:42):
Sometimes these posts become viral moments, which is what happened
to TikTok user blah blah blah, who posted a video
of someone crying with mascara running down their face at
a restaurant with the caption pov we broke up during
our five year anniversary meal. While it may feel a
bit extreme to post an announcement like we're we're suddenly
(13:03):
the Royals, it's not an entirely new phenomenon either. You know,
Facebook launch pretty much twenty years ago, and Facebook still
allows users to post their relationship status. So when you
change your status from you know, married or in a
relationship to single, it's kind of an announcement. Huh. So
(13:24):
there you go. It's a maybe not as hard launching,
but it is certainly an announcement. And so it goes
on to talk about the downside the downsides to hard
launching your breakups, particularly if you're doing it outside the
confines of your Instagram close friends. You're exposing a deeply
(13:44):
personal moment to what is essentially a bunch of randos.
This can be thorny, not only because of your own vulnerability,
but also because there's someone else involved and their privacy
deserves to be respected too, So there's for sure some
people who post or share do it to get people
(14:07):
to take sides in the breakup, or maybe to get
back at someone who's wrong them by publicly shaming them.
So that sounds like a downside. Of course, this becomes
even more complicated when things like cheating or betrayal are involved,
you know, I mean, there's that's a problem, right, And
then this article, which I found really interesting, celebrating your
(14:32):
divorce is becoming big business. I don't know if you
realize that, but the term divorce party ideas has seen
one hundred and twenty percent increase in the past year,
and divorce party decorations has seen a four hundred percent
increase in the past five years, according to Google Trends.
(14:53):
Etsy has also reportedly seen a two hundred and sixty
six percent increase in searches for items celebrating divorce just
in the past month. So this is business now. So
this announcing and celebrating divorces and breakup it's like big shit.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Now, yeah, yeap, who would have thought.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Eh, well, it's certainly not how we grew up.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
A bunch of people on a border We've got to
corner the divorce market.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
I'm sure if you had ten divorced women in a room,
there's nine that go, God, I want that coffee mug
that says divorced and proud or finally got rid of
two hundred pounds of weight or whatever the funny joke is.
And I'm sure there's some dudes that are like, you know,
they want that beer coozy. I'm being overly stereotypical here,
(15:54):
but you know, they want that beer coozy that says
free at last or whatever.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
But you know, interestingly not if I don't think I've
ever heard men talk about divorce parties. I've only heard
women talk about divorce parties. Like only only women.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
I would agree with that.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Yeah, and this kind of goes with, you know the
theme of today. It's like, what's going on? What's going on?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
All? Right? Well, we will remind you to join our
Instagram community. If you haven't followed us on Instagram, go
over there because then that way you can direct message
just and see a lot of the posts and things
like that. So go do that on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Absolutely passion with doctor Lori and John Paul, we'd love
to hear from you. Send us your questions as well.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
We are going to answer some of your questions in
a moment. But first, why are divorces being initiated by women?
And what do the dudes need to know? And what
are they up to? Okay, yep from the mail bag,
doctor LORI a couple questions if you're ready. Number one.
(16:57):
I had one other big relationship in my life and
we never ever fought. It's not that we didn't have problems,
it's just that we didn't get into big blowout fights. Well,
in my current relationship, things are different. Some of them
have been alcohol fueled, but with less going but with
less going out to the bars on the horizon. Now
(17:20):
they just happen when we're chilling at home. It's not
all the time. It's really only once a month or so.
But she gets really combative and defensive and I do too.
We make up and we move on, but I'm still
not used to fighting being a regular part of my life.
Is that normal? Does it mean that we're immature? Is
there any way to stop it? This is a great observation.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, great, and immaturity possibly. You know, it's not about
the fighting so much about how it is that you
resolve conflict. That really counts, right, Like, I worry far
more about couples who never ever fight, because that tells
me either you might be avoiding issues or avoiding conflict,
(18:07):
or that one person wants to keep the peace and
so they suck it up and over time, that really
is not helpful. So that doesn't you know, that doesn't
work either. Disagreements are perfectly normal. You're not the same person,
you each have differing opinions, et cetera, et cetera. But
regular blowouts with no resolution where you just kiss and
(18:29):
make up, but you never actually resolve the crisis or
you never resolve the issue you were fighting about. Over time,
this is going to put a strain on the relationship. Absolutely.
So it's very possible that in this situation you have
very different communication styles and maybe you're just not understanding
each other. Part of being a good communicator is to
(18:51):
be a good listener, and so maybe you just need
some tools to communicate together. Because when you have very
different and communication styles, you could get very defensive. Right,
You're not quite getting what the other person is saying,
So you take the defensive role and then it just
goes back and forth and back and forth. It becomes
(19:12):
a power struggle. So in a situation like this, maybe
getting a therapist who can help you to at least
help you learn some important communication tools together because you
have these different styles, would go a really long way.
Maybe a couple of sessions, you know, Yeah, you.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Know what it's I would actually say when they say,
doesn't mean we're immature, maybe, but the maturity is showing
in the question yes and good point, the desire for resolution.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Good point exactly, and that that was a mature question,
just recognizing it right, being able to recognize and have
the self awareness and which is which gives me far
more hope for a couple like that because of that
self awareness.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I'm chuckling because of my own immaturity, because I'm reading
into the line that says it only happens about once
a month or so. Reading it, I was like, oh.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
That's a lot.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
That mean, yeah, well once a month. You know what
could be the reason of this fighting?
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Oh okay, I see why you're chuckling.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Okay, I'm being immature and entertainment are immature. I'm sure
it has nothing John, grow up, I know couldn't help myself.
I went back to you know, grade eighth. One more
question here. I'm an eighteen year old girl and I
haven't had sex yet, but I want to. But I'm
scared my vagina hole is too small. I've tried inserting
(20:49):
my fingers. I can only fit one finger in my vagina.
What shall I do when I get to the stage
of having sex. I'm scared in case a penis can't
get in there.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
So probably a typical fear of younger women. I would think,
first of all, you need to know about vagina's. Vaginas
are absolutely amazing organs that can really stretch. I mean, listen,
lets a baby out. That's quite the stretch, right, So
don't forget that first penetration can certainly be a bit uncomfortable,
(21:23):
and that usually changes after you've had intercourse a couple
of times, but you have when you're ready to have sex.
First of all, you want to make sure you are
well aroused. So sometimes even if you're trying to stick
a finger in your own vagina, you might not be
aroused and lubricated and relaxed. Your vagina needs to be
(21:43):
more relaxed, and then it will be more stretchable, let's
just say, and that helps like tremendously. So make sure
there's lots and lots of foreplay before even attempting penetration.
And you get your partner to stimulate the clitorist a
little bit, then you have to kind of slowly, you know,
practice with inserting their finger. They can start with one finger,
(22:07):
then they can go to two fingers. So if and
this is like, this is important because if you have
continued pain with any kind of insertion, it's time to
have it checked out. Don't suffer silently. I see too
many women who just give up and just avoid sex,
(22:29):
but don't deal with the cause of the pain. And
so checking it out with your gynecologist or a sex
therapist is important. Like you need to talk to your
doctor about the pain, You need to talk to your
doctor about birth control. You need to keep yourself safe
from sexually transmit infection. So there are lots of things
to consider before you go and be sexual. So that's
(22:51):
what I you know, like they shouldn't be hurting you.
Sex should not be hurting you. But oftentimes for women
there's a psychological component to it. So fear of pain
can cause the vagina to Titan like to to it's
like a muscle contraction, so it will contract and then
it will make it more difficult for penetration, which makes
(23:13):
it more painful, and then the next time more contraction
because now you're really anticipating the pain because you felt
the pain, and it just this pattern that you get
into and then you develop almost like an instinct to
close up. And this is how women develop a condition
like vaginismus, which is very treatable, but we need to
You don't want to let it get that far if
(23:34):
you can avoid it. So if there is pain, like
get all the information you can see a gynecologist and
you know, work on that and just don't wait too
long before you consult with somebody to help you figure
this out.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Makes sense. On the next edition of the podcast, we
will be talking about getting STI tests and what you
need to know about that probably helpful for many.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
And many for all ages. By the way, STI testing
for people over sixty five as well as for younger
people and anybody in between who are sexually active and
non monogamous. Right, so obviously those of us who are
in monogamous marriages or relationships, you know STI testing is
(24:27):
not shouldn't be necessary unless somebody is acting out, And
I've had many of those cases where people have developed
sexually transmitted infections and realized through that that their partner
was cheating. So you know, like how devastating. So protecting
(24:48):
yourself is something else we'll talk about as well. And
it maybe it feels like a going back to basics thing,
but often people ask like when should I get tested
and how like why should I get them? What should
I get tested for? So these are things that we
will definitely address.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
Well, we've talked about this before as well, that in
the senior's realm, who maybe this is so far out
of their really day to day but we know that
there's a lot of seniors that are really getting it
on a lot and need to be reminded to on.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Hey, you know, if you have a single parents as
an adult, you're going to have to have the sex
talk with them. Like it's reversal now, right, It's like
now you have to start talking to them about safe sex.
So yeah, it's an uncomfortable situation to say the least.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
That's funny, excellent, all right, test some people to thank
for this edition of the podcast.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yes, Thank you to all of our listeners, really appreciate
you being with us on this journey. Thank you to
Stephen Voyce, who is our musical director. All the music
you hear on this podcast is his original music, so
we truly appreciate that. And of course thank you John
for being part of my journey here.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Well, you are welcome. If you are listening on a
platform that allows a review with your five stars, a comment,
a thumbs up, whatever, please make sure you do that.
Help out the podcast and the algorithm will share us
with more people just like you, and that would be awesome.
Doctor Lori, we will.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Chat zoom, we shall take care. John Passion with doctor
Lori Botito and John Paul.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
To submit questions, business inquiries, or just to connect, visit
doctor Lorii dot com.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Thank you for supporting Passion
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