June 24, 2025 • 29 mins
Come see Dead Puppet's Assemble! LIVE on Thursday, July 10th
The Dead Puppets Society have taken over the PIT POD, to bring you some new versions of their sketches, improvised scenes, and a full half hour of locally sourced comedy. Delicious!
The Dead Puppet's Society are Jen Aramayo, Jennifer Caress, Elena Christie, Troy Davidson, Ethan Goldman, Jasmine Gonzalez, Michelle Hoody-White, David Prague, Audra Stephenson and Matt Winter Watson
Support local comedy here in Colorado by subscribing to this feed, and get a brand new live show recording from the Peak Improv Theater every two weeks. If you're based in Colorado, get involved by heading to peakimprov.com, where you can check out classes in improv, stand-up, sketch and musical improv. With opportunities for complete beginners, seasoned performers and everyone in between.
This is a Lilypad Production
The Dead Puppets Society have taken over the PIT POD, to bring you some new versions of their sketches, improvised scenes, and a full half hour of locally sourced comedy. Delicious!
The Dead Puppet's Society are Jen Aramayo, Jennifer Caress, Elena Christie, Troy Davidson, Ethan Goldman, Jasmine Gonzalez, Michelle Hoody-White, David Prague, Audra Stephenson and Matt Winter Watson
Support local comedy here in Colorado by subscribing to this feed, and get a brand new live show recording from the Peak Improv Theater every two weeks. If you're based in Colorado, get involved by heading to peakimprov.com, where you can check out classes in improv, stand-up, sketch and musical improv. With opportunities for complete beginners, seasoned performers and everyone in between.
This is a Lilypad Production
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Sawyer, We need to talk. Uh okay, can I finish
my ap calculus first? No?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I thought we.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
Taught you better than this. How can we ever trust
you again?
Speaker 4 (00:16):
You, of all kids, should know better after what happened
to your uncle?
Speaker 5 (00:20):
What do you have to say for yourself? I uh,
stop talking. We don't want to hear your excuses. TV
tells you one thing, But.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
What have we always told you?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Don't do cheap drugs?
Speaker 5 (00:35):
Why would you buy this dirty, dried up weed when
you could buy this weed?
Speaker 6 (00:41):
Wow?
Speaker 7 (00:42):
Smoke?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
What do you think we pay you for chores? Huh?
You know what this weed will do to your brain?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm for corn?
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Apparently not, so we have to show you again.
Speaker 8 (00:57):
Taste the rainbow.
Speaker 9 (01:00):
I'll make your life better, I promise.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
Oh you just met a pelican.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
This is your brain on good drugs.
Speaker 10 (01:08):
Hey, everybody, the sun is out, the birds are walking
on stilts in the air, and my tongue is lapping
up waters and rainbows.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Seeds and stems.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Baby, I'll give you exema.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
This is your brain on cheap drugs.
Speaker 5 (01:31):
Scrippertty toilet, I'm gonna start a busting podcast where we
talk about cryptocuncy un describe memes.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Stop. I'm so sorry. I was saving the extra money
to help paraplegic orphans in Tallahassee. But now I know
that investing in good drugs is better for those poor, poor,
sad kids.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
So what have we learned?
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Don't cheap drugs?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Take me back?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Everything up here is.
Speaker 11 (02:17):
I can't stand.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
It's just mus Land going back.
Speaker 12 (02:24):
Okay, everyone, welcome to the first episodes of Dead Puppets Radio.
We are the Dead Puppets Society, a sketch group based
in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Matt, Sorry, Ethan, Yeah, I know, before you keep going.
I just I was looking over the script and I
just noticed that my dildo factory sketch isn't in there.
Speaker 7 (02:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 12 (02:43):
Yeah, we thought maybe the first episode we don't lead
with the I know we've got so many dogo sketches.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
But yeah, it was it that there weren't enough dildos
in Is that what you're saying. I'm just trying to understand.
Speaker 12 (02:54):
No, there was a great number of dildos in it.
That wasn't that. That wasn't The issue was just do
we want to lead with the dildo factories? Maybe episode two?
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Sure? Sure if it helps I can make the dildo sounds.
Speaker 11 (03:06):
Uh wait, we're talking about the dill doughs like prepping
deal bread or the other one.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh yeah, yeah, he's talking about the deal dough sketch
where we make bread with dial in it and shaved
like a dick. Yep, yeah, that's I want. I'd love
for that to come in second too, if that's okay.
But yeah, yeah we can.
Speaker 12 (03:24):
Look, we'll talk episode two for both the dil Do
sketch and the Dill Do sketch.
Speaker 13 (03:29):
Thanks Dave for bringing bringing that one up.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Well, I think they were great back to back, so
I just want to make sure we get that one
in there too.
Speaker 13 (03:34):
It's like a double header.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah yeah, you really got to do. Somebody shove them
in there.
Speaker 13 (03:37):
Okay, Well I'm just trying to get on with the intro.
Speaker 5 (03:39):
Okay, sorry, real quick. I actually brought in like five
Dill dos. I thought we were doing.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It, so did I that's not appropriate.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
For that or yeah, we all brought our travel Dill
doos so traveled. I was told that this was a
business expense, okay, same, My accountant said I could write
this off.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Is that?
Speaker 4 (03:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
I saved the receipt and everything.
Speaker 12 (03:59):
I know we made some money on the Christmas show,
but I was kind of think in marketing or like,
not dil dos?
Speaker 14 (04:04):
Are we supposed to buy the dildos?
Speaker 9 (04:06):
I just brought my own personal dildos.
Speaker 15 (04:09):
Okay, we've got some great sure to mark your name
on it because we don't want to use each other.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Okay, yeah, sorry about that idea.
Speaker 6 (04:18):
All right.
Speaker 12 (04:18):
We got some great original sketches, favorite sketches from our
live shows that we've loved performing entirely improvised sketches that
were performing right.
Speaker 13 (04:26):
Oh no, Matt, Matt, Yeah, Michelle.
Speaker 9 (04:28):
The costumes, the capes from last time. There's a big
toilet spill, like the sewer. It's going everywhere.
Speaker 15 (04:35):
Ah, so I'm having to use all the costumes, Like
do you.
Speaker 12 (04:40):
You've plugged the toilet with the costumes? But yeah, it's
just the most absorbent ones.
Speaker 15 (04:47):
And now it's kind of coming up from underneath.
Speaker 9 (04:50):
There's an unpleasant squelching.
Speaker 11 (04:52):
We could probably still use them the Poseidon thing because
he's already wet.
Speaker 12 (04:55):
Michelle, could you just get on that while I finish
reading this intro? Can you just like clog the toilet
with more things?
Speaker 7 (05:01):
Kit?
Speaker 13 (05:01):
Can I have your shirt off, the shirt off my back.
Speaker 14 (05:04):
Yeah, please everybody give me a shell your shirt.
Speaker 9 (05:06):
We need your shirt.
Speaker 13 (05:07):
Yeah, okay, okay, find on the shirt.
Speaker 14 (05:09):
Maybe the pants, Oh my god, tips everywhere?
Speaker 13 (05:11):
All right, Well, this is our show.
Speaker 12 (05:13):
Do you check out peakmprof dot com for details on
shows and classes.
Speaker 13 (05:17):
And we are the Dead Puppets.
Speaker 12 (05:18):
We meet at the Peak and Prov Theater on Sundays
from two to four pm. If you want to join us.
You want to hear your sketches on this show. Oh yeah,
that's the sound of Dildo's that I can make. Great
good good to know.
Speaker 15 (05:29):
We've got Oh, Matt just found out the problem of
the toilet.
Speaker 13 (05:33):
Yeah, it looks like Dave stuck.
Speaker 9 (05:35):
Is Dilo down there again?
Speaker 4 (05:37):
The bread needing to be moisture.
Speaker 7 (05:39):
You gotta let it prove, Dave.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
We've been over this.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Steven's whanda. You are the chosen one. You have been
chosen by antiquity. You are the child of destiny, the
ar but the fate of my world. I am Goodsiapi.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
How do you spell that?
Speaker 3 (06:05):
There's no time?
Speaker 5 (06:06):
Okay, the great omen power, the shadow Blood, has to
send it upon my fantastical land. You are the only
one who could save us, Oh, special one, Will you
come with me through the ancient portal to help save Arcania?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Oh? Wow, I don't know. Uh kind of busy over here?
Is there some kind of sweet reward?
Speaker 3 (06:26):
I'm set in.
Speaker 5 (06:27):
The King will rewards the with with our highest honor.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
You will be a grisonite of Arcania.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Yeah cool cool? Cool us are? They're hot chicks in Arcania.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
A great blight has plate a land. There's scart enough
food to eat sick.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
So they're like supermodel skinny and I'll deserve their attention.
Speaker 5 (06:52):
You said the realm will show their gratitude once you
defeat the armies of the dark lord Flora sac.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Oh, I think they take that medication. It's for my dick.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Good. So you'll come to a Kenya.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
I claim you're right as a prophesied ruler of the
House of Blood and Bones.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Oh I know about blood in my bone.
Speaker 5 (07:17):
No homo, though, great before we go, just to make
absolutely sure, because this prophecy is thousands of years old.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
You Oh Stephen's whanda.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
That's me baby?
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Could you spell that?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (07:35):
Z w E.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
I hander like you know when you just got to
like put your fingers right around the shaft of your
your cock and then you like pull it like when
it's like a hand job. I guess is what most
people would call it, but I like to get the
balls involved there a little bit. It's like a hander.
That's why hander.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Yeah, okay, that's burn in my memory. That's a Stephen
with a V or a pH.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Oh gotta be with a V V for vaney. That's
how I remember.
Speaker 11 (08:02):
God.
Speaker 5 (08:02):
Okay, dang yeah, Oh heck, I need Stevens handa with
aph Oh too bad?
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Hey can I see that prophecy? Oh? Why not?
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Our religion for bidsits that's gay. It's been so interesting
meeting you.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Okay, by.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
Stevens will Hander.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
It is I the dark lord float Sacks. How do
you spell that?
Speaker 7 (08:40):
There's no time?
Speaker 11 (08:41):
Okay, quickly, I have seen a vision of you, and
your potential for evil is great.
Speaker 4 (08:47):
Join me and together we can rule Alcania.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Hell yeah, you get it. You're a real alpha male
men's rights.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
Holy shit, you're even more evil than I imagine.
Speaker 11 (08:59):
With our power combined, the house of blood and bone
will be yours.
Speaker 7 (09:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
I no home, oh, no homo, no homo, no homa,
no homo. Just the chaft that was involved me.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
When it's Friday afternoon and I finally lose my shit
in the classroom.
Speaker 9 (09:15):
Fuck you, fuck you, you suck Tommy. I am your
mom because I don't believe in you.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
One two, three, eyes on, No one close your fucking eyes.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
Okay, guys, I'm gonna start passing out special candy. This
is nighttime candy. Oh the fuck to sleep?
Speaker 15 (09:31):
All right, it's time I'm opening the vampire closet.
Speaker 9 (09:34):
I knew I should have been a stripper.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I knew I should have been a stripper.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
I deeply regret sleeping with half of your.
Speaker 15 (09:40):
Dad's Hello, and welcome back to Nighttime Podcast with Me
your host Joan jump A Myrowitz. Our next guest is
an author with his recent memoir Letting Conversations Take Flight.
(10:02):
Please welcome Steve Burchum.
Speaker 13 (10:06):
So, Steve, tell us about this book.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
Oh, Joan, it's a funny story.
Speaker 11 (10:11):
You see, a few years back, I'm taking a shortcut
through some yards to my apartment after a night of drinking,
and I come ucros this one yard that's only what
I can describe as like an orchard, and I saw
this peach tree, and like I'm more of a banana guy.
But those peaches look so good, so I grabbed a few,
and it turned out that, in my drunken state, thought
it was like a good idea to throw my wallet
(10:32):
out of my pocket onto the ground so I could
fill the pocket with peaches. And lady who owned the
tree comes over the next day, because you know license
in the wallet, address is on the license.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
And well, to make a.
Speaker 11 (10:42):
Long story shorter, as she was a witch, she cursed me.
And now I can talk to birds. So house talking
to birds a curse. You know all those stories about
people where somebody's talking about them in a language they
don't know that person can speak. Imagine that happens to you.
But for like an entire genius of the animal kingdom.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Talk a lot of shit.
Speaker 14 (11:01):
Ironically, birds are caddy little bitches.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
Huh yeah, sure.
Speaker 14 (11:07):
You do not seem excited about this ability.
Speaker 11 (11:09):
Well, you know, it's about a couple of years and
you get over things. I'm just here to sell the book.
Speaker 14 (11:14):
So this skill is for the birds.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Sure, why not?
Speaker 4 (11:20):
But it's a real superpower, but not a useful one.
Speaker 11 (11:24):
I mean, if a woman is falling off a building,
I can ask pigeons to fly up and catch her,
but they usually just stare at me and go back
to their conversation.
Speaker 15 (11:32):
Well, you seem to also have the ability to fly,
but only off the handle.
Speaker 4 (11:41):
We're sticking to the bird puns.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Huh uh yeah.
Speaker 14 (11:45):
Is there a name for this condition?
Speaker 4 (11:47):
Well, not officially. I had one doctor tell me I
was bird brained.
Speaker 14 (11:51):
Well they sound like a quack.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Leaning into this. Well whatever, as long as sales go up.
Speaker 15 (11:58):
Okay, good, because I got another one.
Speaker 11 (12:00):
Don't you mean doctor, Nope, I saw a real human doctor. Also,
most ducks don't pursue medical careers. They tend to go
into corporate jobs in billing, now personnel or bird resources.
If we must be cheeky, ducks actually as a species
don't really have access to the sense of humor that
(12:22):
leads to joke job titles, especially puns in a language
they don't speak. Puns are more of a goose thing.
Oh so you're saying, yep, silly goose is a real thing.
So you can talk to birds yep, as the stated
earlier in the sketch.
Speaker 14 (12:38):
All right, then what do birds talk about?
Speaker 11 (12:40):
It depends, bird said very interest based on many factors,
mainly worms, sometimes fish. If you meet one of those
coastal elites like a seagull. I will say, interesting fact, though,
John older birds will talk forever about how younger birds
chirpin ain't chirping.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
Now, when they were young that was chirping.
Speaker 9 (12:58):
So then what bird?
Speaker 14 (13:00):
What is the best conversationalist?
Speaker 11 (13:02):
Now you want me to say it's a parrot? Well,
I mean parents aren't bad on the whole. They just
don't really drive conversation. They more just reiterate what you're
already saying, which is validating. To be honest, Migratory birds
are really the ones we're talking to. The stories are
flying back and forth, meeting new and interesting people and
pooping on them.
Speaker 9 (13:21):
Okay, so you talk to birds.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
A lot, well, I mean more than the average person.
Speaker 11 (13:27):
Sometimes I can't even get money on the side of
talking to them for ornithologists, but few grand proposals will
really approve money for a translator.
Speaker 14 (13:34):
So I'd be remiss if I didn't ask.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
Please, don't I know what you're gonna ask?
Speaker 11 (13:39):
Everybody does when they find out about this, I beg
you don't make me answer.
Speaker 15 (13:44):
I'm sorry, but America wants to know why did the
chicken cross the road?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Going to really lean into this mic.
Speaker 11 (13:53):
So you hear me, America, I promise you are all
better off with the mystery. I know the answer, and
it haunts me in my darkest hours. Oh I see
when I close my eyes, live happily in your ignorance.
Speaker 6 (14:13):
I in view.
Speaker 15 (14:14):
Oh right, Steve, it has been a delight. But I've
got one more surprise for you. You discussed in your book
how this ability ruined your relationship with your childhood pet bird.
Speaker 14 (14:29):
We think it's time you.
Speaker 7 (14:31):
Clear the air.
Speaker 14 (14:33):
Bring out mister Feathers, you son.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
Of a bitch.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
She was my wife.
Speaker 14 (14:45):
Me.
Speaker 12 (14:45):
When a coworker introduces their three children as Harry, Ron,
Andrew Miami, someone had.
Speaker 7 (14:52):
Sex with you.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Oh, I always thought it was Hermione.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Maybe some people shouldn't reproduce stupid os.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
That's so stupid, right belly, Jacob and Edward?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Oh cool?
Speaker 15 (15:03):
I love Game of Thrones, read some new books.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
Eat me what.
Speaker 6 (15:16):
You heard me?
Speaker 11 (15:17):
Eat me?
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Most people usually say, don't eat me. I'm just confused.
Speaker 5 (15:25):
It's come on over, use your claws, use those strong
jaws of yours, and eat me.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Okay, Yeah, I was going to. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm
gonna do yes first and then I'll be honest. I
wasn't gonna eat you.
Speaker 5 (15:39):
I just just gonna mall me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, honestly,
whatever you think is best.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I trust you.
Speaker 7 (15:46):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Can I tell you something? I just woke up from
such a long compornation.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Yeah, and I look so delicious.
Speaker 7 (15:54):
I know I didn't.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
You're putting a little some words in my mouth there.
I didn't tell you delicious again, don't eat people. I
don't know where you got that information from park rangers
spreading that around to have a park rangers been talking
shit about me.
Speaker 5 (16:07):
No, I just want you to feel free to do
whatever you want. You know, these are your woods. I'm
your guest, and if you feel the need to eat me,
then by all means, don't let me run away.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
It sounds like you want me to chase you and
eat you. Is that what you want?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Can I be honest to you?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Yeah, of course.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
It's been a long time since I've been chased, and
I just I just want to feel wanted for once.
And if you're not into it, no, I get it.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
I get it.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
I'm not desirable and I understand. And you just woke
up and I'm putting a lot on you right now.
And I'm so sorry.
Speaker 9 (16:42):
I just God, I'm just letting you flow.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Are you Are you crying right now? No, a little.
Speaker 5 (16:49):
I just it's been a long winter for me too,
you know. And I just I just saw like a
friendly face, and I know you're bear and I'm a human,
and I just thought maybe maybe you would enjoy eating me.
Speaker 6 (17:00):
I don't know.
Speaker 9 (17:01):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
You know, I'll be completely honest to you. Desperation not
something I want to eat. Maybe if you have more
self respect and confidence, I would, I would, you know
what you look, it's not about yeah, it's just your
attitude that's keeping me from mauling you to death.
Speaker 5 (17:20):
It started with my mother and I.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Just oh wow, look at that walking there's I.
Speaker 5 (17:34):
Don't know, if like I have a sandwich, if you
wanted to have these on that or whatever.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
I'm God.
Speaker 12 (17:47):
Are you feeling symptoms of chronic pain, depressed, stressed, fatigued,
anxious or all of the above, Well, so is your doctor.
Talk to your doctor today because they really need someone
to talk to and it could be you. Their workload
is excessive and your pain can wait. Your doctor needs
you another broken ankle. This is so depressing.
Speaker 13 (18:11):
Talk to your doctor.
Speaker 12 (18:12):
Today, you could save a life by talking to the
person who can actually go on to save lives, which
kind of makes you a doctor if you think about it.
I am so lonely doc to your doctor about talking
to your doctor today.
Speaker 7 (18:27):
All right, Tonight's the night We're gonna purge the shit
out of this shit.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Hells er.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
I got my knives, I got my guns, I got
a million bullets.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
This shit is happening tonight.
Speaker 6 (18:41):
Heck yes, I'm gonna go down to the dairy Queen.
I'm gonna get me a large blizzard and I'm not
even gonna pay for it.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
What the hell? This is the purge, man, We can
do whatever we want. I'm gonna go downtown and I'm
gonna murder the shit out of some people. They're not
even gonna see coming.
Speaker 5 (19:00):
Damn, that's the shit I'm talking about. I'm gonna find
my neighbor's yappy little dog and I'm gonna rip its
wop re cords.
Speaker 7 (19:07):
Out, good guggly muggly.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
That sounds intense.
Speaker 6 (19:11):
That's some sick shit, man. I don't think you guys
get it. I am not gonna pay for it, and
I'm gonna get all the freaking toppings. I'm talking butterfinger
M and M's and that brownie batter stuff, all of it.
It's gonna be cool. This is the gosh darn purge.
Speaker 9 (19:30):
God, shut the hell up.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
That shit is lame.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
I'm gonna go to the mall and I'm gonna burn
that shit to the ground.
Speaker 7 (19:39):
Find good heavens, would you do that?
Speaker 3 (19:42):
I don't know why not?
Speaker 7 (19:43):
Oh hey, they got that new Apple store there.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Oh well, I'm definitely blowing that shit up. Look at
all the CNT I've been horning for the past year.
Speaker 7 (19:53):
Oh, check this shit out. I got a map of
the city and marked all the banks. I'm gonna get
into every one of them and take all that cash,
and anyone that stands in my way dead. Oh oh
damn it. I got a paper cut.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
Oh oh, Carl, you're getting blood everywhere.
Speaker 7 (20:16):
Oh oh god, you know I'm a bleeder.
Speaker 5 (20:20):
Oh Carl, No, oh shit, the purch hasn't even started yet.
Speaker 7 (20:28):
Promise me, promise you what Carl?
Speaker 6 (20:33):
Carl, Well, his name was Carl bleeds all over the floor.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
That's right.
Speaker 5 (20:42):
Who knew he'd be so aptly named. Well, I guess
it's just going me tonight.
Speaker 7 (20:49):
Actually, you know, what.
Speaker 6 (20:51):
I'm going to get a head start to Dairy Queen
so I can be there when the purge starts. Everybody's
going to try to get their blizzard on.
Speaker 13 (20:58):
This is an announcement.
Speaker 16 (20:59):
For the Agency Broadcast System.
Speaker 9 (21:01):
It's the Marge.
Speaker 16 (21:04):
Announcing the commencement of the annual Purge sponsored by the
US government.
Speaker 12 (21:10):
Commencing at the siren any an all crime, including.
Speaker 16 (21:14):
Murderer, will be illegal for twelve continuous hours.
Speaker 13 (21:18):
The siren will go off in.
Speaker 16 (21:19):
Ten nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one zero.
Speaker 7 (21:38):
Surprise purche motherfucker.
Speaker 8 (21:40):
Wait, who are you now?
Speaker 11 (22:05):
The bird?
Speaker 7 (22:17):
That was the best purge you ever?
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Hey, Jerry, I did it.
Speaker 6 (22:22):
I got the large blizzard and I brought one for
you too, and I didn't even pay for it. Oh my,
what happened here? Goodness? Gracious well, it's the purge?
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Oh me. When I finally reached the top of the mlm.
Speaker 9 (22:50):
Oh my god, this kind of looks like a pyramid.
Why is the top so pointy?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Maybe these essential oils aren't essential.
Speaker 9 (23:00):
It's lonely up top. I love being on top.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Oh it cost me?
Speaker 6 (23:04):
Was my soul?
Speaker 7 (23:05):
Now?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
When I come, I say neutra boom.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
The joe logan experience.
Speaker 12 (23:12):
Welcome back to the Joe Rogan Podcasts, totally chill three
hour chat with a totally unbiased guest, Joey.
Speaker 13 (23:22):
Just one second, Yeah, what is it?
Speaker 17 (23:24):
Mom?
Speaker 9 (23:25):
Have you finished recording your little show?
Speaker 13 (23:28):
My little show?
Speaker 7 (23:29):
Mom?
Speaker 12 (23:30):
It's the number one podcast on Spotify and like the
whole world.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
So shut up?
Speaker 9 (23:35):
God, okay, okay, I hear you, sweetie. Would you and
your friend like some ants on a log?
Speaker 12 (23:42):
Mom, he's the president of the United States, he's not
my friend.
Speaker 13 (23:47):
Well he he is my friend. Are you my You're
my friend?
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Right?
Speaker 7 (23:51):
Oh?
Speaker 13 (23:52):
God, mom, Mom, you're embarrassing me so much.
Speaker 15 (23:55):
Okay, sweetie, I'll be back in five minutes with some
ants on a log.
Speaker 9 (24:00):
Oh and lemonade.
Speaker 12 (24:01):
Well, actually lemonade to no, Mom, God, no, get out
of here, mom. Okay, ah, moms, Am I right? So
we're gonna invade Australia next. I think that's awesome.
Speaker 6 (24:22):
You and your cat at the start of a body
swap movie.
Speaker 9 (24:27):
God, so you really have no responsibilities in this house.
I think I could get used to this.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
It's so hard to be in the toilet.
Speaker 9 (24:38):
You'll figure it out, buddy.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
These thumbs are so awkward.
Speaker 9 (24:44):
Oh, I mean, look at all the things you could
feed yourself. Now, isn't that great?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Why am I getting so many emails?
Speaker 9 (24:52):
You feel empowered, don't you?
Speaker 7 (24:54):
No?
Speaker 9 (24:57):
Do you want to go outside?
Speaker 18 (24:59):
I do?
Speaker 1 (25:00):
I do want to go outside, but I keep getting
notifications from something called Instagram. I have to look at it.
Speaker 9 (25:08):
Just take a picture of me, post it on there.
You'll feel better, I promise.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Okay, Oh I did feel better. Why is no one
liking it?
Speaker 5 (25:17):
I mean worse?
Speaker 9 (25:19):
You know you'll figure that out. I'm just gonna go
over here and lick my asshole.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
I'll take pictures of it for the internet.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Three thousand bucks and six months to get certified. Friends
said they take my class, but I guess they cas
when I asked. They run high. Don't know why yoga
makes them so terrible. Bye, Norma, stay with me. Unroll
(26:08):
your mad just be you're so stressed. It's clear to me,
So Norma, stay with me. When you come to my class.
Uncle you a name. If your plow flows.
Speaker 18 (26:32):
Too fast, I'll just do the same. There's only of
there being a shame because if you fart and dundalk,
I will take the play. Norma, stay with me, my
(26:53):
crone then you need.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Rotate your shoulder.
Speaker 11 (27:00):
Where is it?
Speaker 17 (27:00):
Turnly, Norma, stay with me, Norma, stay with me.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Now way stay your tree.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Use that brand.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
That's a joy. And darling, Norma, stay with me. Who Norma,
stay with me? Ignore that food chalk down the street.
Speaker 17 (28:05):
Your body does, please comber, stay with.
Speaker 13 (28:15):
Me, and that's our show.
Speaker 12 (28:22):
If you like what you heard, come check out the
Dead Puppets live at the Peak Improv Theater on Thursday,
July tenth, where we will be performing a brand new
set of superhero themed sketches. So get tickets to Dead
Puppets Assemble a superhero sketch show by going to Peakimprov
dot com. As well as our sketches, you can also
(28:42):
meet and greet and take photos with that man. That's right,
I said that man. And if you arrive in costume
as a superhero or villain, you get a free sticker
or button. How about that Peak Improv dot Com for
tickets Dead Puppets Assemble down at the Peak Improv theaterre
July tenth, Come and check us out. Thank you so
much for listening to our first ever sketch show on
(29:03):
the pit pod. All sketches were written and performed by
the Dead Puppets Society, featuring guest performers Meghan Hyde and
Nate Jones. Stay subscribed to this feed for more from
the Tune Titans and Laughter and Legends. We might take
over this feed again in the future, but for now
we've been the Dead Puppets.
Speaker 13 (29:21):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (29:22):
Goodbye, AYI thank you.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Yeah, everything up here is.
Speaker 11 (29:29):
I can't stand it.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Just mus Land going back you oh yes, everything you do.
People got to ride on you.
Speaker 6 (29:43):
It's come tellen yeah me Yellen going back.
Speaker 4 (29:48):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 14 (29:50):
If you don't like beans and edu
Sawyer, We need to talk. Uh okay, can I finish
my ap calculus first? No?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I thought we.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
Taught you better than this. How can we ever trust
you again?
Speaker 4 (00:16):
You, of all kids, should know better after what happened
to your uncle?
Speaker 5 (00:20):
What do you have to say for yourself? I uh,
stop talking. We don't want to hear your excuses. TV
tells you one thing, But.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
What have we always told you?
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Don't do cheap drugs?
Speaker 5 (00:35):
Why would you buy this dirty, dried up weed when
you could buy this weed?
Speaker 6 (00:41):
Wow?
Speaker 7 (00:42):
Smoke?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
What do you think we pay you for chores? Huh?
You know what this weed will do to your brain?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm for corn?
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Apparently not, so we have to show you again.
Speaker 8 (00:57):
Taste the rainbow.
Speaker 9 (01:00):
I'll make your life better, I promise.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
Oh you just met a pelican.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
This is your brain on good drugs.
Speaker 10 (01:08):
Hey, everybody, the sun is out, the birds are walking
on stilts in the air, and my tongue is lapping
up waters and rainbows.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Seeds and stems.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Baby, I'll give you exema.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
This is your brain on cheap drugs.
Speaker 5 (01:31):
Scrippertty toilet, I'm gonna start a busting podcast where we
talk about cryptocuncy un describe memes.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Stop. I'm so sorry. I was saving the extra money
to help paraplegic orphans in Tallahassee. But now I know
that investing in good drugs is better for those poor, poor,
sad kids.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
So what have we learned?
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Don't cheap drugs?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Take me back?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Everything up here is.
Speaker 11 (02:17):
I can't stand.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
It's just mus Land going back.
Speaker 12 (02:24):
Okay, everyone, welcome to the first episodes of Dead Puppets Radio.
We are the Dead Puppets Society, a sketch group based
in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Matt, Sorry, Ethan, Yeah, I know, before you keep going.
I just I was looking over the script and I
just noticed that my dildo factory sketch isn't in there.
Speaker 7 (02:42):
I don't know.
Speaker 12 (02:43):
Yeah, we thought maybe the first episode we don't lead
with the I know we've got so many dogo sketches.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
But yeah, it was it that there weren't enough dildos
in Is that what you're saying. I'm just trying to understand.
Speaker 12 (02:54):
No, there was a great number of dildos in it.
That wasn't that. That wasn't The issue was just do
we want to lead with the dildo factories? Maybe episode two?
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Sure? Sure if it helps I can make the dildo sounds.
Speaker 11 (03:06):
Uh wait, we're talking about the dill doughs like prepping
deal bread or the other one.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh yeah, yeah, he's talking about the deal dough sketch
where we make bread with dial in it and shaved
like a dick. Yep, yeah, that's I want. I'd love
for that to come in second too, if that's okay.
But yeah, yeah we can.
Speaker 12 (03:24):
Look, we'll talk episode two for both the dil Do
sketch and the Dill Do sketch.
Speaker 13 (03:29):
Thanks Dave for bringing bringing that one up.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Well, I think they were great back to back, so
I just want to make sure we get that one
in there too.
Speaker 13 (03:34):
It's like a double header.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah yeah, you really got to do. Somebody shove them
in there.
Speaker 13 (03:37):
Okay, Well I'm just trying to get on with the intro.
Speaker 5 (03:39):
Okay, sorry, real quick. I actually brought in like five
Dill dos. I thought we were doing.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It, so did I that's not appropriate.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
For that or yeah, we all brought our travel Dill
doos so traveled. I was told that this was a
business expense, okay, same, My accountant said I could write
this off.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Is that?
Speaker 4 (03:57):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
I saved the receipt and everything.
Speaker 12 (03:59):
I know we made some money on the Christmas show,
but I was kind of think in marketing or like,
not dil dos?
Speaker 14 (04:04):
Are we supposed to buy the dildos?
Speaker 9 (04:06):
I just brought my own personal dildos.
Speaker 15 (04:09):
Okay, we've got some great sure to mark your name
on it because we don't want to use each other.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Okay, yeah, sorry about that idea.
Speaker 6 (04:18):
All right.
Speaker 12 (04:18):
We got some great original sketches, favorite sketches from our
live shows that we've loved performing entirely improvised sketches that
were performing right.
Speaker 13 (04:26):
Oh no, Matt, Matt, Yeah, Michelle.
Speaker 9 (04:28):
The costumes, the capes from last time. There's a big
toilet spill, like the sewer. It's going everywhere.
Speaker 15 (04:35):
Ah, so I'm having to use all the costumes, Like
do you.
Speaker 12 (04:40):
You've plugged the toilet with the costumes? But yeah, it's
just the most absorbent ones.
Speaker 15 (04:47):
And now it's kind of coming up from underneath.
Speaker 9 (04:50):
There's an unpleasant squelching.
Speaker 11 (04:52):
We could probably still use them the Poseidon thing because
he's already wet.
Speaker 12 (04:55):
Michelle, could you just get on that while I finish
reading this intro? Can you just like clog the toilet
with more things?
Speaker 7 (05:01):
Kit?
Speaker 13 (05:01):
Can I have your shirt off, the shirt off my back.
Speaker 14 (05:04):
Yeah, please everybody give me a shell your shirt.
Speaker 9 (05:06):
We need your shirt.
Speaker 13 (05:07):
Yeah, okay, okay, find on the shirt.
Speaker 14 (05:09):
Maybe the pants, Oh my god, tips everywhere?
Speaker 13 (05:11):
All right, Well, this is our show.
Speaker 12 (05:13):
Do you check out peakmprof dot com for details on
shows and classes.
Speaker 13 (05:17):
And we are the Dead Puppets.
Speaker 12 (05:18):
We meet at the Peak and Prov Theater on Sundays
from two to four pm. If you want to join us.
You want to hear your sketches on this show. Oh yeah,
that's the sound of Dildo's that I can make. Great
good good to know.
Speaker 15 (05:29):
We've got Oh, Matt just found out the problem of
the toilet.
Speaker 13 (05:33):
Yeah, it looks like Dave stuck.
Speaker 9 (05:35):
Is Dilo down there again?
Speaker 4 (05:37):
The bread needing to be moisture.
Speaker 7 (05:39):
You gotta let it prove, Dave.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
We've been over this.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Steven's whanda. You are the chosen one. You have been
chosen by antiquity. You are the child of destiny, the
ar but the fate of my world. I am Goodsiapi.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
How do you spell that?
Speaker 3 (06:05):
There's no time?
Speaker 5 (06:06):
Okay, the great omen power, the shadow Blood, has to
send it upon my fantastical land. You are the only
one who could save us, Oh, special one, Will you
come with me through the ancient portal to help save Arcania?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Oh? Wow, I don't know. Uh kind of busy over here?
Is there some kind of sweet reward?
Speaker 3 (06:26):
I'm set in.
Speaker 5 (06:27):
The King will rewards the with with our highest honor.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
You will be a grisonite of Arcania.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Yeah cool cool? Cool us are? They're hot chicks in Arcania.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
A great blight has plate a land. There's scart enough
food to eat sick.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
So they're like supermodel skinny and I'll deserve their attention.
Speaker 5 (06:52):
You said the realm will show their gratitude once you
defeat the armies of the dark lord Flora sac.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Oh, I think they take that medication. It's for my dick.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Good. So you'll come to a Kenya.
Speaker 5 (07:08):
I claim you're right as a prophesied ruler of the
House of Blood and Bones.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Oh I know about blood in my bone.
Speaker 5 (07:17):
No homo, though, great before we go, just to make
absolutely sure, because this prophecy is thousands of years old.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
You Oh Stephen's whanda.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
That's me baby?
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Could you spell that?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (07:35):
Z w E.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
I hander like you know when you just got to
like put your fingers right around the shaft of your
your cock and then you like pull it like when
it's like a hand job. I guess is what most
people would call it, but I like to get the
balls involved there a little bit. It's like a hander.
That's why hander.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Yeah, okay, that's burn in my memory. That's a Stephen
with a V or a pH.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Oh gotta be with a V V for vaney. That's
how I remember.
Speaker 11 (08:02):
God.
Speaker 5 (08:02):
Okay, dang yeah, Oh heck, I need Stevens handa with
aph Oh too bad?
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Hey can I see that prophecy? Oh? Why not?
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Our religion for bidsits that's gay. It's been so interesting
meeting you.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Okay, by.
Speaker 7 (08:34):
Stevens will Hander.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
It is I the dark lord float Sacks. How do
you spell that?
Speaker 7 (08:40):
There's no time?
Speaker 11 (08:41):
Okay, quickly, I have seen a vision of you, and
your potential for evil is great.
Speaker 4 (08:47):
Join me and together we can rule Alcania.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Hell yeah, you get it. You're a real alpha male
men's rights.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
Holy shit, you're even more evil than I imagine.
Speaker 11 (08:59):
With our power combined, the house of blood and bone
will be yours.
Speaker 7 (09:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
I no home, oh, no homo, no homo, no homa,
no homo. Just the chaft that was involved me.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
When it's Friday afternoon and I finally lose my shit
in the classroom.
Speaker 9 (09:15):
Fuck you, fuck you, you suck Tommy. I am your
mom because I don't believe in you.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
One two, three, eyes on, No one close your fucking eyes.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
Okay, guys, I'm gonna start passing out special candy. This
is nighttime candy. Oh the fuck to sleep?
Speaker 15 (09:31):
All right, it's time I'm opening the vampire closet.
Speaker 9 (09:34):
I knew I should have been a stripper.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
I knew I should have been a stripper.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
I deeply regret sleeping with half of your.
Speaker 15 (09:40):
Dad's Hello, and welcome back to Nighttime Podcast with Me
your host Joan jump A Myrowitz. Our next guest is
an author with his recent memoir Letting Conversations Take Flight.
(10:02):
Please welcome Steve Burchum.
Speaker 13 (10:06):
So, Steve, tell us about this book.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
Oh, Joan, it's a funny story.
Speaker 11 (10:11):
You see, a few years back, I'm taking a shortcut
through some yards to my apartment after a night of drinking,
and I come ucros this one yard that's only what
I can describe as like an orchard, and I saw
this peach tree, and like I'm more of a banana guy.
But those peaches look so good, so I grabbed a few,
and it turned out that, in my drunken state, thought
it was like a good idea to throw my wallet
(10:32):
out of my pocket onto the ground so I could
fill the pocket with peaches. And lady who owned the
tree comes over the next day, because you know license
in the wallet, address is on the license.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
And well, to make a.
Speaker 11 (10:42):
Long story shorter, as she was a witch, she cursed me.
And now I can talk to birds. So house talking
to birds a curse. You know all those stories about
people where somebody's talking about them in a language they
don't know that person can speak. Imagine that happens to you.
But for like an entire genius of the animal kingdom.
Speaker 4 (11:00):
Talk a lot of shit.
Speaker 14 (11:01):
Ironically, birds are caddy little bitches.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
Huh yeah, sure.
Speaker 14 (11:07):
You do not seem excited about this ability.
Speaker 11 (11:09):
Well, you know, it's about a couple of years and
you get over things. I'm just here to sell the book.
Speaker 14 (11:14):
So this skill is for the birds.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Sure, why not?
Speaker 4 (11:20):
But it's a real superpower, but not a useful one.
Speaker 11 (11:24):
I mean, if a woman is falling off a building,
I can ask pigeons to fly up and catch her,
but they usually just stare at me and go back
to their conversation.
Speaker 15 (11:32):
Well, you seem to also have the ability to fly,
but only off the handle.
Speaker 4 (11:41):
We're sticking to the bird puns.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Huh uh yeah.
Speaker 14 (11:45):
Is there a name for this condition?
Speaker 4 (11:47):
Well, not officially. I had one doctor tell me I
was bird brained.
Speaker 14 (11:51):
Well they sound like a quack.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Leaning into this. Well whatever, as long as sales go up.
Speaker 15 (11:58):
Okay, good, because I got another one.
Speaker 11 (12:00):
Don't you mean doctor, Nope, I saw a real human doctor. Also,
most ducks don't pursue medical careers. They tend to go
into corporate jobs in billing, now personnel or bird resources.
If we must be cheeky, ducks actually as a species
don't really have access to the sense of humor that
(12:22):
leads to joke job titles, especially puns in a language
they don't speak. Puns are more of a goose thing.
Oh so you're saying, yep, silly goose is a real thing.
So you can talk to birds yep, as the stated
earlier in the sketch.
Speaker 14 (12:38):
All right, then what do birds talk about?
Speaker 11 (12:40):
It depends, bird said very interest based on many factors,
mainly worms, sometimes fish. If you meet one of those
coastal elites like a seagull. I will say, interesting fact, though,
John older birds will talk forever about how younger birds
chirpin ain't chirping.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
Now, when they were young that was chirping.
Speaker 9 (12:58):
So then what bird?
Speaker 14 (13:00):
What is the best conversationalist?
Speaker 11 (13:02):
Now you want me to say it's a parrot? Well,
I mean parents aren't bad on the whole. They just
don't really drive conversation. They more just reiterate what you're
already saying, which is validating. To be honest, Migratory birds
are really the ones we're talking to. The stories are
flying back and forth, meeting new and interesting people and
pooping on them.
Speaker 9 (13:21):
Okay, so you talk to birds.
Speaker 4 (13:24):
A lot, well, I mean more than the average person.
Speaker 11 (13:27):
Sometimes I can't even get money on the side of
talking to them for ornithologists, but few grand proposals will
really approve money for a translator.
Speaker 14 (13:34):
So I'd be remiss if I didn't ask.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
Please, don't I know what you're gonna ask?
Speaker 11 (13:39):
Everybody does when they find out about this, I beg
you don't make me answer.
Speaker 15 (13:44):
I'm sorry, but America wants to know why did the
chicken cross the road?
Speaker 4 (13:52):
Going to really lean into this mic.
Speaker 11 (13:53):
So you hear me, America, I promise you are all
better off with the mystery. I know the answer, and
it haunts me in my darkest hours. Oh I see
when I close my eyes, live happily in your ignorance.
Speaker 6 (14:13):
I in view.
Speaker 15 (14:14):
Oh right, Steve, it has been a delight. But I've
got one more surprise for you. You discussed in your book
how this ability ruined your relationship with your childhood pet bird.
Speaker 14 (14:29):
We think it's time you.
Speaker 7 (14:31):
Clear the air.
Speaker 14 (14:33):
Bring out mister Feathers, you son.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
Of a bitch.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
She was my wife.
Speaker 14 (14:45):
Me.
Speaker 12 (14:45):
When a coworker introduces their three children as Harry, Ron,
Andrew Miami, someone had.
Speaker 7 (14:52):
Sex with you.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Oh, I always thought it was Hermione.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Maybe some people shouldn't reproduce stupid os.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
That's so stupid, right belly, Jacob and Edward?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Oh cool?
Speaker 15 (15:03):
I love Game of Thrones, read some new books.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
Eat me what.
Speaker 6 (15:16):
You heard me?
Speaker 11 (15:17):
Eat me?
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Most people usually say, don't eat me. I'm just confused.
Speaker 5 (15:25):
It's come on over, use your claws, use those strong
jaws of yours, and eat me.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Okay, Yeah, I was going to. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm
gonna do yes first and then I'll be honest. I
wasn't gonna eat you.
Speaker 5 (15:39):
I just just gonna mall me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, honestly,
whatever you think is best.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I trust you.
Speaker 7 (15:46):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Can I tell you something? I just woke up from
such a long compornation.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Yeah, and I look so delicious.
Speaker 7 (15:54):
I know I didn't.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
You're putting a little some words in my mouth there.
I didn't tell you delicious again, don't eat people. I
don't know where you got that information from park rangers
spreading that around to have a park rangers been talking
shit about me.
Speaker 5 (16:07):
No, I just want you to feel free to do
whatever you want. You know, these are your woods. I'm
your guest, and if you feel the need to eat me,
then by all means, don't let me run away.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
It sounds like you want me to chase you and
eat you. Is that what you want?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Can I be honest to you?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Yeah, of course.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
It's been a long time since I've been chased, and
I just I just want to feel wanted for once.
And if you're not into it, no, I get it.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
I get it.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
I'm not desirable and I understand. And you just woke
up and I'm putting a lot on you right now.
And I'm so sorry.
Speaker 9 (16:42):
I just God, I'm just letting you flow.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Are you Are you crying right now? No, a little.
Speaker 5 (16:49):
I just it's been a long winter for me too,
you know. And I just I just saw like a
friendly face, and I know you're bear and I'm a human,
and I just thought maybe maybe you would enjoy eating me.
Speaker 6 (17:00):
I don't know.
Speaker 9 (17:01):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
You know, I'll be completely honest to you. Desperation not
something I want to eat. Maybe if you have more
self respect and confidence, I would, I would, you know
what you look, it's not about yeah, it's just your
attitude that's keeping me from mauling you to death.
Speaker 5 (17:20):
It started with my mother and I.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Just oh wow, look at that walking there's I.
Speaker 5 (17:34):
Don't know, if like I have a sandwich, if you
wanted to have these on that or whatever.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
I'm God.
Speaker 12 (17:47):
Are you feeling symptoms of chronic pain, depressed, stressed, fatigued,
anxious or all of the above, Well, so is your doctor.
Talk to your doctor today because they really need someone
to talk to and it could be you. Their workload
is excessive and your pain can wait. Your doctor needs
you another broken ankle. This is so depressing.
Speaker 13 (18:11):
Talk to your doctor.
Speaker 12 (18:12):
Today, you could save a life by talking to the
person who can actually go on to save lives, which
kind of makes you a doctor if you think about it.
I am so lonely doc to your doctor about talking
to your doctor today.
Speaker 7 (18:27):
All right, Tonight's the night We're gonna purge the shit
out of this shit.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Hells er.
Speaker 5 (18:34):
I got my knives, I got my guns, I got
a million bullets.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
This shit is happening tonight.
Speaker 6 (18:41):
Heck yes, I'm gonna go down to the dairy Queen.
I'm gonna get me a large blizzard and I'm not
even gonna pay for it.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
What the hell? This is the purge, man, We can
do whatever we want. I'm gonna go downtown and I'm
gonna murder the shit out of some people. They're not
even gonna see coming.
Speaker 5 (19:00):
Damn, that's the shit I'm talking about. I'm gonna find
my neighbor's yappy little dog and I'm gonna rip its
wop re cords.
Speaker 7 (19:07):
Out, good guggly muggly.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
That sounds intense.
Speaker 6 (19:11):
That's some sick shit, man. I don't think you guys
get it. I am not gonna pay for it, and
I'm gonna get all the freaking toppings. I'm talking butterfinger
M and M's and that brownie batter stuff, all of it.
It's gonna be cool. This is the gosh darn purge.
Speaker 9 (19:30):
God, shut the hell up.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
That shit is lame.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
I'm gonna go to the mall and I'm gonna burn
that shit to the ground.
Speaker 7 (19:39):
Find good heavens, would you do that?
Speaker 3 (19:42):
I don't know why not?
Speaker 7 (19:43):
Oh hey, they got that new Apple store there.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Oh well, I'm definitely blowing that shit up. Look at
all the CNT I've been horning for the past year.
Speaker 7 (19:53):
Oh, check this shit out. I got a map of
the city and marked all the banks. I'm gonna get
into every one of them and take all that cash,
and anyone that stands in my way dead. Oh oh
damn it. I got a paper cut.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
Oh oh, Carl, you're getting blood everywhere.
Speaker 7 (20:16):
Oh oh god, you know I'm a bleeder.
Speaker 5 (20:20):
Oh Carl, No, oh shit, the purch hasn't even started yet.
Speaker 7 (20:28):
Promise me, promise you what Carl?
Speaker 6 (20:33):
Carl, Well, his name was Carl bleeds all over the floor.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
That's right.
Speaker 5 (20:42):
Who knew he'd be so aptly named. Well, I guess
it's just going me tonight.
Speaker 7 (20:49):
Actually, you know, what.
Speaker 6 (20:51):
I'm going to get a head start to Dairy Queen
so I can be there when the purge starts. Everybody's
going to try to get their blizzard on.
Speaker 13 (20:58):
This is an announcement.
Speaker 16 (20:59):
For the Agency Broadcast System.
Speaker 9 (21:01):
It's the Marge.
Speaker 16 (21:04):
Announcing the commencement of the annual Purge sponsored by the
US government.
Speaker 12 (21:10):
Commencing at the siren any an all crime, including.
Speaker 16 (21:14):
Murderer, will be illegal for twelve continuous hours.
Speaker 13 (21:18):
The siren will go off in.
Speaker 16 (21:19):
Ten nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one zero.
Speaker 7 (21:38):
Surprise purche motherfucker.
Speaker 8 (21:40):
Wait, who are you now?
Speaker 11 (22:05):
The bird?
Speaker 7 (22:17):
That was the best purge you ever?
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Hey, Jerry, I did it.
Speaker 6 (22:22):
I got the large blizzard and I brought one for
you too, and I didn't even pay for it. Oh my,
what happened here? Goodness? Gracious well, it's the purge?
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Oh me. When I finally reached the top of the mlm.
Speaker 9 (22:50):
Oh my god, this kind of looks like a pyramid.
Why is the top so pointy?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Maybe these essential oils aren't essential.
Speaker 9 (23:00):
It's lonely up top. I love being on top.
Speaker 3 (23:03):
Oh it cost me?
Speaker 6 (23:04):
Was my soul?
Speaker 7 (23:05):
Now?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
When I come, I say neutra boom.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
The joe logan experience.
Speaker 12 (23:12):
Welcome back to the Joe Rogan Podcasts, totally chill three
hour chat with a totally unbiased guest, Joey.
Speaker 13 (23:22):
Just one second, Yeah, what is it?
Speaker 17 (23:24):
Mom?
Speaker 9 (23:25):
Have you finished recording your little show?
Speaker 13 (23:28):
My little show?
Speaker 7 (23:29):
Mom?
Speaker 12 (23:30):
It's the number one podcast on Spotify and like the
whole world.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
So shut up?
Speaker 9 (23:35):
God, okay, okay, I hear you, sweetie. Would you and
your friend like some ants on a log?
Speaker 12 (23:42):
Mom, he's the president of the United States, he's not
my friend.
Speaker 13 (23:47):
Well he he is my friend. Are you my You're
my friend?
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Right?
Speaker 7 (23:51):
Oh?
Speaker 13 (23:52):
God, mom, Mom, you're embarrassing me so much.
Speaker 15 (23:55):
Okay, sweetie, I'll be back in five minutes with some
ants on a log.
Speaker 9 (24:00):
Oh and lemonade.
Speaker 12 (24:01):
Well, actually lemonade to no, Mom, God, no, get out
of here, mom. Okay, ah, moms, Am I right? So
we're gonna invade Australia next. I think that's awesome.
Speaker 6 (24:22):
You and your cat at the start of a body
swap movie.
Speaker 9 (24:27):
God, so you really have no responsibilities in this house.
I think I could get used to this.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
It's so hard to be in the toilet.
Speaker 9 (24:38):
You'll figure it out, buddy.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
These thumbs are so awkward.
Speaker 9 (24:44):
Oh, I mean, look at all the things you could
feed yourself. Now, isn't that great?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Why am I getting so many emails?
Speaker 9 (24:52):
You feel empowered, don't you?
Speaker 7 (24:54):
No?
Speaker 9 (24:57):
Do you want to go outside?
Speaker 18 (24:59):
I do?
Speaker 1 (25:00):
I do want to go outside, but I keep getting
notifications from something called Instagram. I have to look at it.
Speaker 9 (25:08):
Just take a picture of me, post it on there.
You'll feel better, I promise.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Okay, Oh I did feel better. Why is no one
liking it?
Speaker 5 (25:17):
I mean worse?
Speaker 9 (25:19):
You know you'll figure that out. I'm just gonna go
over here and lick my asshole.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
I'll take pictures of it for the internet.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Three thousand bucks and six months to get certified. Friends
said they take my class, but I guess they cas
when I asked. They run high. Don't know why yoga
makes them so terrible. Bye, Norma, stay with me. Unroll
(26:08):
your mad just be you're so stressed. It's clear to me,
So Norma, stay with me. When you come to my class.
Uncle you a name. If your plow flows.
Speaker 18 (26:32):
Too fast, I'll just do the same. There's only of
there being a shame because if you fart and dundalk,
I will take the play. Norma, stay with me, my
(26:53):
crone then you need.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Rotate your shoulder.
Speaker 11 (27:00):
Where is it?
Speaker 17 (27:00):
Turnly, Norma, stay with me, Norma, stay with me.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Now way stay your tree.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Use that brand.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
That's a joy. And darling, Norma, stay with me. Who Norma,
stay with me? Ignore that food chalk down the street.
Speaker 17 (28:05):
Your body does, please comber, stay with.
Speaker 13 (28:15):
Me, and that's our show.
Speaker 12 (28:22):
If you like what you heard, come check out the
Dead Puppets live at the Peak Improv Theater on Thursday,
July tenth, where we will be performing a brand new
set of superhero themed sketches. So get tickets to Dead
Puppets Assemble a superhero sketch show by going to Peakimprov
dot com. As well as our sketches, you can also
(28:42):
meet and greet and take photos with that man. That's right,
I said that man. And if you arrive in costume
as a superhero or villain, you get a free sticker
or button. How about that Peak Improv dot Com for
tickets Dead Puppets Assemble down at the Peak Improv theaterre
July tenth, Come and check us out. Thank you so
much for listening to our first ever sketch show on
(29:03):
the pit pod. All sketches were written and performed by
the Dead Puppets Society, featuring guest performers Meghan Hyde and
Nate Jones. Stay subscribed to this feed for more from
the Tune Titans and Laughter and Legends. We might take
over this feed again in the future, but for now
we've been the Dead Puppets.
Speaker 13 (29:21):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 7 (29:22):
Goodbye, AYI thank you.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Yeah, everything up here is.
Speaker 11 (29:29):
I can't stand it.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Just mus Land going back you oh yes, everything you do.
People got to ride on you.
Speaker 6 (29:43):
It's come tellen yeah me Yellen going back.
Speaker 4 (29:48):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 14 (29:50):
If you don't like beans and edu
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