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What if flirting can be your superpower instead of something that overwhelms you?
In this episode I speak to Nadege about
- Her own pleasure journey and what brings her pleasure
- What flirting means
- Flirting superpowers
- How you can discover yours
- Common flirt styles
- Flirting with yourself and life itself
- Bedroom flirting and pleasure talk aka dirty talk
- Online Flirting
- Flirting tips to become magnetic and confident
- Flirting for introverts
- What is too much flirting
- Flirting myths
- her favourite pleasure books and products
- her number one pleasure tips for you!
Share the episode on your social media - tagging me and the guest speaker with your take away from this episode.
You can find Nadege at Pleasure Science on Instagram
Find out your Flirting Super power here
Start your Pleasure, Self-love and Confidence Journey here:
https://pleasurelit.com
For educational and informative purposes only, affiliate links/codes might be used, Terms and conditions apply
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What if flirting didn't feel like a game you had to win, but
an art to explore? Today we are diving deep into
the delicious world of connection, chemistry and that
spark that you feel when someonesees you.
Like, really sees you. My guest is Nadesh Sex scholar,
best selling author, and the founder of Pleasure Science.
(00:22):
She's been featured on The History Channel, Cosmopolitan,
Women's Health and even Apple TVPlus, but today she's here to
help us uncover the secret to effortless flirting.
Not by teaching you how to be someone else, but by revealing
the flirting superpower you already have.
(00:42):
We are talking flirting styles, magnetic energy, turning up the
heat in the bedroom, and how to flirt without oversinking it.
So either you're single, partnered, or just want to feel
more alive and lit up in your own skin.
This episode is your permission slip to play, tease, and connect
like never before. So get ready to lean in, make
(01:05):
eye contact, and let's start theart of flirtation.
Welcome to the podcast. Thank you.
I feel like you just seduced me and flirted and like you were
flirting with all of us and it was perfect and wonderful.
Mission accomplished, tick. To get started, I would like to
(01:27):
ask you a couple questions to get to know you a little bit
more. Where are you currently at on
your pleasure journey? I'm single, I'm dating and I'm
currently going through this active process of healing what I
call my inner slut and my inner lover girl because I'm a total
golden retriever. I love people and and I'm very
(01:51):
sweet and joyful, but and so I feel like I'm a lover girl in
that sense and I'm loyal and sweet, but I also love fun and
pleasure. When I'm single, I like to
explore sex. I, I don't want to be exclusive
right away. And so I'm kind of in my, the
place of my pleasure journey of being like very present with my
(02:12):
sluttiness, but that doesn't interrupt the flow of like love
and deep connection that comes into my life.
And so it's been really fun and,and also like heartbreaking in a
really great way. Like I feel like it's like ego
death and then bliss and ego death and then bliss to like
date with such conscious open heart, open legs, legs spread
(02:38):
open, you know, intention. So that's where I'm at in my
pleasure journey. And I feel like everything I've
done before this point has allowed me to get to this place.
So it's a fun place to be at. I love how you just really
embrace and give yourself the permission slip to lean into
that, being single and enjoying it because a lot of people
(02:58):
struggle with that and then justlook for the next relationship
or that next connection. But you're just fully like, OK,
this is the face right now that I'm in.
I'm just fully embracing it. Love that so much.
What is something that brings you a lot of pleasure?
My dog and just all animals in general and when and actually
(03:20):
Speaking of my dog, she just started coughing so we can pause
for a second. She's a senior girly.
And actually recently I went to this farm in Los Angeles called
the Gentle Barn that rehabilitates all types of farm
animals. So I could like hug cows.
And so that is always like if I need instant pleasure in a way
(03:41):
that's like healthy nourishing and I know that like it will
really nourish me. Animals all the way.
I love that I haven't had that answer yet, so that's great.
Yeah, I'm like I go to the. Farm animals, it's interesting
because I get like the the variety of answers and sometimes
(04:04):
just ones that you wouldn't expect and you've never thought
about yourself. And then you're like, Oh yeah, I
should maybe add that to my pleasure list as well, because I
always suggest people to start like a pleasure list to have
things that maybe give you quickpleasure or like, you know, that
quick satisfaction or that long term pleasure.
So it's like really great to addthat to I.
(04:25):
Love that. That's brilliant to tell people
because I think people don't realize there is a like pleasure
is nourishing, it's healthy for your body, it's healthy for your
brain. But not all pleasure is
necessarily created equal. Like one of my funniest
metaphors, and I didn't come up with this, a cartoonist did,
where she said I love watching the Kardashians.
(04:45):
It's like eating fast food. It tastes great, but there's not
a lot of nutritional value, which I don't always believe
because I some reality TV listenthat does nourish my soul.
But I did love that metaphor where I'm like, yeah, you know,
not all pleasure, like the little pleasure, the long term
pleasure. So that list that you make
people is brilliant. When we head into flirting.
(05:08):
What does flirting mean to you? When we talk about flirting.
I love that question because forme, I actually do go back to the
science and something that really changed my definition of
flirting and made me both like fascinated with flirting and
stopped taking it so seriously, which I think is one of the
clues to being a good flirt is you just don't take it
(05:31):
seriously. And then the stakes get way
lower. But something that I realized
when humans flirt, we flirt for two reasons.
We either flirt for connection or we flirt for entertainment.
And so when you want to ask me what is my definition of
flirting, I used to say, oh, well, it's connection and you're
flirting for the seroticism. But sometimes our actual primary
(05:54):
need is entertainment, socializing, and we're flirting
or being flirty, and we have no intention of getting someone's
number, seeing them ever again, you know?
But you feel alive and you're interacting with that energy.
And so the best way I can describe flirting is it's this
version of feeling alive. And that's what I actually think
(06:17):
flirting is. And that's why it hurts so much
when we feel like we're not goodat it.
And that's why it hurts so much when it doesn't go well.
Does flirting has to include someone else you?
Know I you're asking me the bestquestions because one of the
things I tell my clients is you should be flirting with your
(06:38):
life. So no, flirting has nothing to
do with anybody else, but it canbe really fun with other people.
But it's a great way to socialize.
But no, I think we should be flirting with our life.
And in fact, one way that I flirt with my life, I have this
very slutty red cute gym outfit,like little biker short shorts
(06:59):
and the butt looks great and theboobs are up to my chin.
I wear that to the gym when I don't workout because I go to a
gym that also has a pool and a restaurant.
So I'll bring my laptop sometimes and I'll do work in
the restaurant. It's it's one of those fans.
It's a Fonzi gym. It's it's one of the ones, but
it has like a little complex that goes along with it in like
(07:20):
a Co working space, but it also has a gym.
And so sometimes I'll go there and I'll wear this very spicy
outfit and I'm like, you know, Idon't think I'm going to
actually get to workout today. I have so much on my plate and
I'm still showing up looking like a cute little gym girly
because it's sparks joy and I'm flirting with my life and like
(07:41):
gosh darn it, if I don't want someone to see me in my cute
little butt shorts, you know. So flirting with our life, it's
it's huge. And that's why I also think like
that aliveness is so important to name in the act of flirting.
And I would also add flirting with yourself because I am
hugely on the deep self love andbeing pleasure lit.
(08:03):
And one of my parts that I teachwithin my courses is the
pleasure talk, which is kind of like Akka dirty talk, pleasure
talk. But it also includes like the
mirror, talking with yourself and flirting with yourself or
like being more mindful and playful when you brush your
teeth in the morning and like, you know, you look at yourself
and give yourself a little wink.Why, you know the form of the
(08:24):
tooth places like in your mouth and you're just like dripping it
from the and you're just like, huh, So flirting.
Yeah, yes. So I feel flirting is something
that doesn't have to include someone else.
But I love your definition of connection or entertainment
because now it just made me think when I'm flirting with
myself is that sometimes with connecting with myself most of
(08:46):
the time, but it also is entertainment.
Like sometimes I just bring thatplayfulness in there.
Doesn't necessarily mean like I need to seduce myself for more,
but just I'm entertaining myself.
I'm playing with myself. Yeah.
And so I love that you said thatbecause I, like, just imagined
myself like in the mornings I'm totally flirting with myself.
(09:06):
Like, now that you said that, I'm like, wow, I hadn't even
thought of all of those patterns.
Like one of the things I love todo is just squeeze my boobs
together and make cleavage like sparks joy on it.
Cleavage sparks joy. OK.
I don't care if it's toe cleavage, butt cleavage, boob
cleavage. I like it all.
And so but that's a way that I flirt with myself is like
sometimes when I'm getting ready, I'll just like, squeeze
(09:28):
my boobs together and be like, look at how look how pretty I
look. Yeah.
And I didn't, you know, I didn'tthink of that, which is why it's
so great when US professionals get to like come and talk
together because I feel like we take all the things that we
learn and then we automatically start giving the 2.0 version
because now we're like in a think tank together.
So anyway, listening to this podcast is very lucky, but but I
(09:51):
love that. I love that.
And I totally love your statement of flirting with the
world, or I always say like flirting with the universe.
So going out, I've done a meditation, a walking meditation
once and it was about like really taking up space and you
know, like chest up and chin up and walking like you're taking
(10:12):
space and just smiling at strangers and eventually, you
know, at the birds. And like, I felt like I was just
flirting with the universe and with nature and just, you know,
smiling and flirting and it justmakes one feel so good.
So I just love that we can really like loop it around and
be like, there's flirting everywhere when we want.
(10:32):
To there is and when you understand that again then you
realize it's not that serious and you can practice any time.
So when you talk about like flirting superpower, which I've
read on your website, what does that mean and how can someone
discover they're like flirting superpower?
Absolutely. So you're flirting superpower
(10:55):
comes from the scholarship I found about something called the
flirt styles. So psychologists have found that
there are actually ten ways thathumans flirt with each other and
that you have a unique style. And so the more I started
researching this, the more that I found is everyone can really
embody one of the 10 flirt styles at any time.
Or we can mimic it because when humans socialize, we do mimic
(11:19):
behaviors. So really we can do any of the
10, but you will always have a dominant flirt style and a
supporting flirt style. And the only time that changes,
sometimes it could change with age.
You know, your dominant flirt style can change, but at all
times you are going to have thisdominant subconscious way of
flirting and connecting with people.
(11:41):
And so you're flirting superpower really is discovering
what is that dominant flirt style?
Am I physical touch where I wantto be in close proximity?
Like I have a friend who's a porn star and he will go up and
just like massage your shouldersand he's just such a physical
touch flirt and and he's so sweet and kind and he doesn't
(12:01):
just you know, he's not just touching anybody.
You know, he he knows all about consent and all the sex workers
do. That's why we got to support
them and got to support their work.
But but he's totally a physical touch flirt style.
Or maybe you're a polite flirt. So the second you have a crush,
you're like, let me open the door for you.
Let me, you know, let me do. I like to think of them as like
(12:21):
service kinks to like. I find that polite flirt styles
can be kinky service people where they like love to be
absurd of service to others. But that actually, that's
another conversation. That's the whole that's like the
next part of the flirt styles ishow are you kinky with them?
But we'll save that. But all that to say, say there's
(12:42):
all these different ways that weflirt.
You have a dominant flirt style and that's your superpower.
And once you discover what your superpower is, what is this
natural way that you interact with people, you can set
yourself up for success big timebecause then you're like, OK,
I'm a polite flirt style. So it makes sense for me to be
in places where I can talk to people, where I can note, like
(13:05):
for example, a polite flirt style will really excel if they
cook for someone because they know where everything is.
They can kind of take care, provide, anticipate needs.
But if you are a physical touch flirt style, you're not going to
do well in spaces that are basedon verbal interaction and verbal
flirting. Welcome to this a pleasure lead
(13:28):
episode. I am Pleasure Lead Patricia,
your pleasure lead at News Educator News.
Through the Pleasurelit Way, I guide you to embody unapologetic
confidence, deep self love and magnetic pleasure so you feel
deliciously turned on to life, to yourself and every pleasure
(13:53):
in between. Having lived through domestic
violence, abuse, low self esteemand a disconnected life, I have
transformed through exploring over 350 pleasure toys, tools,
counter somatic practices and over 20 certifications study.
(14:13):
I created the Pleasure LED Way as a path to blend real life
pleasure experiences with multi award-winning education.
You will find the Pleasurelit Way within my best selling book,
my online programs, my real lifepleasure experiences that I
(14:35):
share and the Pleasurelit Insider and so much more.
Accessible at pleasurelit.com for anyone who is ready to
explore the full depth of their pleasure potential.
Because you were never meant to dim your light.
You were meant to be and live pleasure lit unapologetically.
(15:00):
You talk about the flirting superpowers.
Is that like similar to like ourlove languages for example, or
like erotic blueprint? Is that coming from like kind of
that direction? I'd say so because it's another
way to understand our personality through archetypes.
And when you look at what the erotic blueprints or the love
(15:21):
languages did was it took human patterns and behaviors and made
them into an archetypal format. And that is something that's a
very easy way for our brain to understand and process
information about emotion and behavior that would otherwise
feel really esoteric and difficult to name.
Like how would you know to name,Oh, my love language is just
(15:44):
spending quality time with you. So please, like, let's just go
for a walk, right? Like maybe you might know that,
but for a lot of folks, they might not be able to voice or
find ways to make their needs valid without realizing like,
oh, these are like patterns of of things all humans need and
want, right? So totally.
The flirt styles are another version of that archetypal way
(16:07):
of understanding ourselves because once we do have labels
or language for understanding, we can take action, we can have
strategy, we can become better. But until you're able to say
like, oh, you know, I'm an athlete and I want to do XYZ,
well, you're not going to know to do what you need if you're
(16:27):
not trying. Like, like going out for
basketball is different from opening an ice cream store,
right? It's like these words, these
categories, these things help usunderstand who we are, how to be
better, what to look for. It's very fun and in fact, for
anybody who does want to know like OK, what's my flirt style?
You've sold me, how do I find this out?
Go to pleasurescience.com/flirt.I have a free quiz and in three
(16:52):
questions you will discover yourdominant flirt style.
So that's easy right there. Pleasure science.com/flirt.
You can go check that out and then after you discover your
flirt style, it's all about intuition and like now starting
to notice. OK, I took the quiz and I'm a
complimentary flirt. I love saying, oh, Patricia,
(17:12):
your hat. Like, you know, like that.
That's the flirt style. It's like, OK, now that I know
that when I'm flirting, I compliment people, how do I use
that knowledge to make myself better?
And how do I notice my patterns?How do I notice my intuition
come up? And I'm sure you already know
this, like desire and sex, theseare compasses, right?
(17:33):
That like, show us what we want,show us how to be empowered,
show us how to build the life ofour dreams.
And the intuition you get aroundflirting is no different.
So when you notice how you activate, you can also really
notice in a whole new way what you're attracted to, what you're
drawn to, and then what feelingsactivate when you interact with
what you're drawn to. Do you feel insecure?
(17:54):
Do you feel confident? Do you feel shy?
And what do you want to work on?Right.
So it's there's so much, there'sso much at play.
I just have this aha moment likeI'm just blown away because I've
never actually thought about my flirting style.
So now thought about my flirtingsuperpower or style.
But now seeing like what you've just uncovered or told me about,
(18:17):
I can see the connection with like love languages and erotic
blueprints. And every time I found something
like that, it was first of all like a permission slip for me to
actually embrace what I am doingthat I'm good at and that I
enjoy doing. But also giving myself the
permission to have those boundaries or to say, like,
well, this is just not working on me.
And I now just wonder, this is probably why people might not
(18:42):
even notice and realize when someone's flirting with them
because they're just like, that's not their flirting
superpower. So just, yeah, he's just nice.
He's just opening the door for me or yeah, he's just
complimented me on my head. Like this is not, you know, the
the flirt. Because when we think about like
love languages, for example, once I heard about that, I'm
like, oh, when I was in that relationship, his dominant love
(19:05):
language was words of affirmation and quality time
when mine was like acts of service.
But he never bring out the rubbish or never did this.
So I always felt like not loved.And he was just like, you don't
tell me how amazing I am. So he didn't feel loved.
So we were like completely on opposite sides and like, why
don't you do this for me? Why don't you do that for me?
Because we had different stars. Never thought about that.
(19:27):
And I was flirting. This is maybe where people or
couples or others might have like a mismatch.
So if they work, for example, want to initiate sex as well and
use flirting to initiate. If they use the different
flirting styles and it's just not working on each other, it
might be like even a turn off. Because I can imagine now with
(19:49):
your flirting superpower, you might also have one that's like
really weak. So it just doesn't work on you.
So it's just like, I'm just like.
Everything you're saying is toy.It completely tracks over here
too, with the flirting and the flirting style and people being
ships in the night and not spotting each other.
And I'd say that that's actuallyreally what happens the most
(20:11):
because there's 10 flirt styles,but only two of the 10 are ever
shown in media or romantic comedies.
It's always the confident flirt going after the mysterious
flirt. And I don't even need to explain
what those archetypes mean. I know you and you're listening
already. Get it?
It's like, oh, Yep, I know what you're talking about.
And so that only represents 20% of the population.
(20:33):
So we have 80% of people out here having all these other
flirt styles and thinking, well,I'm not a good flirt because I
don't confidently approach people or I'm not seductive or
attractive because I'm not mysterious and alluring and, and
people don't come up to me. And so, and another actually big
(20:53):
important thing that I learned when I was studying flirting
too, that's really helpful is it's important even if you're
not a confident flirt, it's really important to go up and be
direct and just say hi to someone and start a conversation
or try. Because the truth is if you
don't say something and if you're not direct, we're relying
on nonverbal cues. Now, the problem with that is
(21:17):
studies have found it takes 30, a minimum of 30 nonverbal subtle
cues for two people to realize that they're interested in each
other. So Patricia, if you and I are at
a bar in Australia and I see youacross the room, it's ladies
night. I'm like, who's this girl in her
hat? You know, and, and I look at you
and you look at me and then we, you know, and it's like, unless,
(21:39):
if there's no, it'll take 30 nonverbal cues for either one of
us to be like, OK, yes, this person is interested when I
could just get my cute butt up, walk over and say hi, What's
your name, right? And if you're bold, you could
say hi. I think you're cute.
What's your name, right? But you really need to do that
(22:02):
because if you're not approaching and being direct and
then figuring out what your flirt style is and just leaning
into that, you know, all you need to do is say hi.
That's your only job. And then let the energy do the
rest and feel it out. And it's OK if you're not
compatible, just like Patricia said, happens all the time, like
especially with the verbal flirts and the non verbal
(22:23):
flirts. That's the big one I see most of
the time. And in fact, this recently
happened to me. I was at a party and there was a
guy there who my friend had kindof told me he, he thought I was
cute and he we knew of each other.
So I was kind of excited. I was like, OK, I already he
thinks I'm cute. So I walked over to go and talk
to him. And I'm a very verbal person.
(22:44):
I love talking and pretty quickly on I realized this
person is like he has a non verbal flirt style and there's
one flirt style called the subtle flirt style.
I actually think that's what this guy was.
But for me, I am very talkative.I'm the playful, confident
flirt. I will go up to anybody and then
I want to make you laugh and I'mgoing to talk a lot and I'm
(23:06):
going to ask you questions. And so pretty quickly on, I'm
realizing like, damn, this is a bummer.
I'm super attracted to him. And according to my friend, he's
attracted to me. But that might be where this
starts and ends because we can'treally talk to each other and
we're not really and it's not personal.
And don't get me wrong, I spent like 2 days down in the dumps
(23:29):
being a grumpy puss and sad because I was like.
But he is so cute and I wish it worked and I admire him.
But at the end of the day, it's like and what, you know, I'm
gonna meet someone just as greatand we're gonna actually click.
And so the flirt styles is also really helpful because even when
you're out in the wild, you'll begin to realize like, oh, this
(23:51):
really has nothing to do with me.
Like, I shouldn't take this personal.
We're really not clicking and it's awkward and it doesn't make
me feel great, but it has nothing to do with me, right?
And so it's, it's, it's a fun bag, right?
Like going out and just flirtingwith life.
Just like different energies andit's just didn't match.
(24:14):
If someone is listening and thenand they usually say about
themselves, well I'm just not a flirt or I am shy or, and I'm an
introverted person or I just getstuck in my head and I want to
go over there. But then anxiety kicks in.
Like what is something like 1 tip that you could give them so
they could actually step into their flirting experience?
(24:38):
The best tip I'd say is set yourself up for success ahead of
time as much as you can. And that means if you are a
verbal flirt style but your friend is inviting you to a rock
concert and no one is going to be talking.
You just need to know that aheadof time and then find ways to
either adjust your expectations and think, OK, I'm going to this
(25:01):
concert. My intention is to hang with the
friends and dance. I don't expect to meet or
connect with folks. But the next time I'm out at an
art event where people are talking and there's, that's when
I'll be, you know, I'll be in a much better space versus kind of
going in blind and hoping for the best.
(25:22):
Like your flirt style helps you really plan ahead and adjust
your expectations. And that can make all the
difference between a confident night and a not confident night.
Taking things personal when theyshouldn't be and also protecting
your energy so that you don't feel like you're constantly
grieving bad moments in your dating life because that can
(25:45):
also be really painful and not fun.
So that would be my first reallybig tip is just do a little
look, see up ahead of time, justlike you would with the weather
is should I wear a sweater tonight?
And is this venue going to support my flirt style?
And if the answer is yes, great.And if the answer is no, great.
I believe that you are always given everything that you need.
(26:08):
And so if you're going somewhereand maybe you're not excited,
but you have to go or you know, it's not going to support your
flirt style, there's still a reason that you woke up today
and we're called to go to that place and find that reason for
being. That's kind of another mind hack
that I I do is like, I really try to find meaning out of every
moment. But yeah, that's where I'd start
(26:29):
that location strategy ahead of time.
I love that to put yourself in the right environment that
actually supports your flirting superpowers so you can be really
confident and shine in it. And when you're like, shy, it
gives you that permission slip. Like, OK, like, I feel good in
this one. So I'm not working against it.
But with it like that because like in this generation today,
(26:54):
flirting in person is not as often anymore or it's something
rare because these days there's like dating apps.
And how does your flirting superpower can now shine on
dating apps? Because I just recently moved up
here to the Sunshine Coast. And at the start of this year,
you might know I've written my book and published my book
(27:16):
became bestseller, the pleasure lit way by the way.
And after that I said I'm going to move up to the Sunshine Coast
because it was my next goal. And now I want to open up to
love because I said once I've written my book moved, I'm ready
to open up and meet my right person.
So I started to go on dating apps last week, start to go
(27:37):
around and have a look to just feed different energies and
different people. And already I'm just like the
dating app is such AI find it a bit frustrating because it even
though I've got like an ice breaker question on my profile
to just break the ice to have anactual conversation.
It's just hi, or how's your night or any plans for the
(28:01):
weekend? And I'm just like, I mean,
there's potential, like, could you just rate my profile like,
you know, hit it? So what can we do with flirting
styles online? Yeah.
Well, I think First off, there are people who are better behind
the screen than they are socializing in person.
And then there are people who are better in person than they
(28:22):
are behind the screen. And so that is 1 intention I
really have with dating on the Internet is OK someone because I
have met people and I've seen this with clients and my own
life where it's like on text message, it's like, am I
messaging potato? Are you okay?
Like blink twice if you're if you're alive and press, but then
(28:45):
you meet in person and it's like, okay, like you're showing
up, you're fun, you know? And so sometimes it's like
giving a little bit of the benefit of the doubt of people.
And it's interesting too, with different age groups, like if
we're going to go also with likestudies and stereotypes,
millennials and all the generations kind of below, they
(29:05):
tend to be sometimes better behind screen or more
comfortable behind a screen thanin person.
Like they're more socially awkward in person.
But then when you get to Gen. X and above, and I did that
right, right. Gen.
Z, yes, Gen. Z are the young UNS.
They're great behind a screen. In fact, also because of Kovid,
they did a lot of socializing behind screens.
(29:27):
But Jen and I, I confuse Z&X allthe time, which is why I had to
take a moment to make sure. But Jen, X and above, these are
folks who tend to be better in person and more awkward behind
the screen. And this is because this group
of people like, I mean, I'm likein the millennial category, but
I was a very in person person. I'm, I love being around people.
(29:51):
So I kind of fall into this category is we're better in
person and we're better when we meet up or we're better with
phone calls. And so the second tip would be
it's one we have that mindset. And then the second tip is
because it sounds like for you, the texting and behind the
screen, it just doesn't activateas much.
And so for me, I either start giving voice notes right away to
(30:13):
completely change and up the ante where I'm like, let me give
you a voice note. And I'll say this, especially
first, straight women or gay men, if you're giving a voice
note and you're trying to date aman, basically a lot of times
men will not respond with voice notes, not realizing that
they're doing that. Like they don't realize that
(30:35):
they're not matching. So if that happens to you, I
recommend going on a voice. They're like you or any
listener, go on a voice, don't say I want to hear your voice.
Like respond to the net, you know, let them know what to do
because men sweet things very misguided.
They just need to be told a little what to do, but then they
want to do the thing. I work with so many men.
They they love it. But that's so we have the
(30:57):
mindset piece of we're recognizing and already lowering
expectations a little bit for how people are showing up on
screen and then going to voice notes.
So you can kind of, and if you're someone who's better
behind the screen, then in person, maybe voice notes aren't
your thing. So again, it's like you can weed
people out or they can weed you out.
So sometimes the voice note won't work, but it's good.
(31:19):
Rejection is protection and redirection.
And then I'd get on a phone callas soon as possible.
If like the dating apps make youreally tired and they don't feel
fun. It's like we need to get off of
this paradigm and we need to just look at the dating app as
like this is a GPS signaling system for hoes in my area
(31:39):
codes. OK.
And that's what we're using it for and that's great.
And now for other people, again,on the other side of the
spectrum who are actually quite good behind a screen, like I
lived with a woman a few years ago who was actually older than
me, but she was so good at dating apps and I would just be
like, how are you having so muchfun on that awful app?
(32:01):
Like I don't. And and then I realized I'm
like, well, for me, I love in person.
I want to get to in person as soon as possible possible.
And for her, she is very savvy, funny, great behind a keyboard.
And so she actually liked the dating apps And I even met
another person recently who saidthe same thing.
He doesn't mind dating apps or talking on DMS.
(32:22):
He really prefers communication behind a screen.
It just makes him more comfortable.
He's also a Gen. Z, an older Gen.
Z. So it again, kind of makes sense
given how they were socialized. But but yeah, so it's also a
little bit of that compatibilitypiece, like maybe you're not
connecting with folks, but it's because you're not compatible
(32:44):
and it's a good thing, right? So it's a little bit of all of
that, but it's still hard. I also think taking a break is
really good because even me, like I have all the sex scholar
knowledge from like, oh, it could be this, it could be that.
But at the end of the day, sometimes I need to delete the
app and say, let me just go intonature, let me hug a cow, OK.
And then recalibrate because it can also dating apps can make
(33:08):
dating feel like, oh, you have just like a bunch of dentist
appointments with these random beat, you know, it like can just
feel like a bunch of random appointments.
It can feel discouraging. It can feel lifeless.
And the second that happens, I think it's a good moment to take
a step back because you really also only want to be engaging
with dating profiles when you feel alive and excited to use
(33:29):
them, because that's when you'llmanifest better.
Yes, I agree with that one as well, because I had people then
reaching out when I had like kids, free time, like public
holidays, for example, go on thedating apps and I'm like, no,
because that's when usually people go on dating apps like,
oh, it's a public holiday. It's Christmas, Easter.
I don't have anyone and they're just desperately looking.
(33:50):
I said this is not the right time for me to find my person.
So they are also depending on the cycle I'm at like ovulation
time. I'm just like, yeah, let's go
out on dates and then I close tomy period, don't talk to me.
Yeah, totally. The way I schedule dates as
well. So a relation me knows like
(34:10):
don't put the date in there justbefore your period because then
you might not be really attracted and into all of that.
So I've learned that as well to schedule and just see it work
with my cycle. And I love that you just have
mentioned about the voice notes as well, because this is
something that I do as well as soon as there is a conversation,
(34:31):
a connection. And I think for me it's with
that hey, or you know, what you're doing tonight kind of
thing. It just doesn't have depth and
input. Yeah, I agree.
I. Am seeking for someone who can
communicate effectively so as soon as this comes up I know OK
this is not my person. So it actually selects and gives
(34:52):
me the opportunity to really go deeper with the person who might
have a genuine conversation withand then I can take it to the
voice notes which I usually do. Then I always get like, oh, I
hear this accent like, where areyou from?
And that's why you know that they like you and they're
interested because they want to know about your accent.
Yeah. And it's like great icebreaker
(35:14):
because I always forget that I'mactually from Germany.
I just start talking and then people like, oh, you're accent.
I'm like, damn it, OK, here we go.
And. Then.
I love voice notes then as well because I'm an energetic person,
so it then helps me to actually feel in a little bit.
And this is where my flirting superpower can come out because
(35:36):
the way I then communicate, I can start flirting over voice
notes so much better than over text.
So yeah, I love that. And it's just really amazing.
I think everybody needs to really tune into themselves and
see what's important for themselves.
So like I said, for myself with that deeper connection and I
need someone who can communicateeffectively and that is via
(35:59):
text, voice notes in person. It needs to be an all arounder
because I can't as a full time single mom meet up all the time.
So I need to be able to communicate with someone also
via text or voice notes or phonecalls.
So it needs to be someone who can do that.
And then, yeah, everyone just needs to, I think, tune into
themselves what's important and then see where their flirting
(36:21):
superpowers is, which you can now find out and then go from
there and see what matches. Absolutely.
That's great. Do you think there's something
like flirting too much? Only when you're crossing
someone's boundaries. Like that's that's the only
thing that I would think like for you personally, like
(36:44):
flirting is healthy. So I think it's good for people
to flirt. And the only time it really can
be taken too far is if like someone has kind of shown you
they're not interested or their energy's closed or they're not
really responding or they're looking, you know, you're
getting the signals and you keeppushing.
That's when we take flirting toofar.
You know, if it starts to feel like you have to force it, then
(37:05):
that is your cue to just take a step back and stop flirting
altogether, potentially. In this regards, because I work
with men as well and sometimes Iget comments such as I just
don't know anymore Miss can I approach them or not?
Because as soon as you now meet a stranger like out and about at
(37:28):
a park and you just comment on her wearing a beautiful dress,
out of a sudden you are a stalker or it's harassment.
And man just starting to feel really insecure about what is
OK, what isn't OK anymore. What's your perspective on that
in in regards to like flirting, initiating to to speak to like
from a man's perspective now to a woman?
(37:51):
Yeah, I my like, whenever I'm working with clients, my advice
is always like, take a shot one time and remember that like you
can't say the right thing to thewrong person or the wrong thing
to the right person. So if you take a shot and
someone is open, it'll flow. And if you take a shot and
conversation isn't really clicking, it's starting to feel
(38:12):
awkward and uncomfortable, then just thank them for their time
and go back to whatever you weredoing.
Maybe go outside, maybe make a phone call, maybe go to the
restroom, maybe go to the bar, order a different drink for
yourself. But just take the hint.
But I will say you should approach.
You should always do that first approach because like we
(38:33):
learned, it takes 30 non verbal cues for people to realize
they're interested in each other.
So say hello, tell someone that you think that they're
beautiful. And I think that sometimes that
can also come across better than, oh, I like your dress.
Like it's attractive when someone is direct and when you
kind of don't question why they came over.
(38:53):
And so if you go up to a woman and you say, hey, I'm Jared, I
think you're really beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?
You know, you have just established you're interested in
this person. And another good thing too, is
again, with direct questions, ifyou're unsure, like, ah, is she
into me? Is she not ask for her phone
number? That'll tell you.
She will then have the opportunity to say yes or no,
(39:16):
you know, So if you are unsure, you don't want to walk away yet.
And you say, hey, can I have your number?
And she's like, you know what? No.
And you're like, well, I feel stupid.
I should have walked away before.
Listen, it's not personal and just walk away.
It's not meant for you and that's fine.
And but I do believe we should be talking to each other.
(39:37):
We should be taking the risk. We should at least be trying one
time because the issue is not approaching women.
The issue is not listening or not paying attention when it's
not really going well and then starting to push instead of just
accepting and walking away. Yes, yeah, I had moments where I
(40:00):
just literally had to walk away from from a date because I just
kept pushing. I'm going to walk into the car.
I'm like, no, I'm fine. And then I at the car like was
standing in front of my car doorand I'm just like, let me get
out of here. This is not working.
What don't you get? Like, yeah, I had enough.
I'm going home without you. Yeah.
(40:21):
So yeah, in regards to flirting,because also we made the
connection to the bedroom, what's the difference or is
there a difference between flirting and I kind of like
dirty talk or I like to call it leisure talk?
Yeah, well, I find that dirty talk and pleasure talk is kind
(40:42):
of an escalation of how you naturally flirt.
So if you're a physical flirt style, you might not be good at
dirty talk or pleasure talk at all.
But you're out here massaging, you're kissing, you're licking.
If you're a polite flirt or a traditional flirt.
This also might be someone who struggles with dirty talk
because it doesn't feel polite or traditional to be like,
(41:04):
you're a hot slut. Yeah, you know, like, you don't
know quite what to say, but you're still a verbal person, so
you can find a way, you know? And so I found that your flirt
style really kind of shows you and the basic kind of advice I
can give off of that before you know, folks know what their
flirt style is and they've takenthe quiz is if you right off the
(41:27):
bat know that you're more nonverbal, then try instead of
dirty talk, primal play, you're I had a client, a couples
client. They were married and they loved
each other so much, but sex was really not working and they
couldn't figure out why. And I instantly figured it out.
I'm like, this person is verbal,this person is nonverbal.
(41:50):
And so they started doing, I waslike coaching them and working
with them on like let's do primal play where they started
wrestling and they started just playing with you getting a
little bit more aggressive. And the verbal person realized
they didn't need verbal dirty talk because this was very
stimulating. And the non verbal person
finally had a way to be like using their strengths.
(42:11):
I'm going to, you know, and it was really hot.
And so if you're non verbal, trythese more primal ways, you
know, massage, hugging, kissing,biting, you know, playing
wrestling with each other, rubbing against each other.
Humping is not overrated. People let's hump more.
But try doing more primal physical things.
(42:34):
And then if you are a more verbal person, then you probably
can develop a verbal flirt styleskill and have that be really
authentic and yummy and delicious.
And that's going to be a little bit about practice, you know,
and I love your mirror exercise.That's where I train clients to
do mirror exercise and I train them like let's start saying
(42:54):
sexy words in the mirror to yourself to normalize you saying
it, to normalize what it feels like in your body.
I find a lot of people struggle with dirty talk, not because
they don't want to do it, but because they've never they can't
say cock without feeling either embarrassed or shy or, you know,
it activates all of these things.
And so we need to to normalize in our body what it feels like
(43:16):
to talk sexually. And you can do that in and out
of the bedroom. Voice notes, again, that's a fun
place that's can almost be the training ground.
Let me do dirty talk over voice notes, dirty talk over text.
It's those are two places actually where I like textual
communication because I do thinkyou can really find and learn in
(43:38):
a gentle way how to do dirty talk.
And in the course that I've teach about pleasure talk, I
actually also identified that there are different types of
pleasure talk. That doesn't necessarily have to
mean that you are going for cog pussy and using all like, you
know, the name callings and all that stuff.
If that's not your thing, you can leave that away.
(44:00):
Pleasure talk can be speaking out of fantasy like a pleasure
fantasy, or it can be a commanding thing like you know
you command someone or there areso many different types that you
can use for pleasure talk. They don't have to be, you know,
calling someone or naming the sexual parts of your body.
(44:21):
So when people think about dirtytalk or pleasure talk, I always
like to say pleasure talk now because I want to take that
stigma off. It's dirty.
It's taboo because why are we doing it to to experience
pleasure? Yeah.
So when we use that talk, we want to experience pleasure.
So why not actually enhance it and say like it's pleasure talk
(44:43):
instead of something taboo or shameful like dirty talk is to
really lean into what do you like and then embrace that and
then just using that for pleasure.
I I mean gay men girl. I agree on all fronts 100%.
If there's one myth about flirting that you wish would
(45:05):
disappear forever, what would itbe?
That you're bad at flirting. Just I don't care who thinks
that they're bad at flirting. You're not, you just don't know
your flirt style. And because you don't know your
flirt style, you haven't been able to practice that skill.
And it's just a skill. And you've also actively just
been taught from the time you were young maybe that you're bad
(45:27):
at flirting. And that also just isn't true.
So that's a myth I would like totake away because we all are
actually good at flirting, especially when we start
figuring out who we're compatible with, the locations
that set us up for success because that's all that life is
really right. The reason why adulthood gets
better is because you realize, oh, you know what?
I don't really like the sand. So going to the beach doesn't
(45:49):
sound fun, but I love a good library.
You know, it's like you figure out your life and then you start
organizing your life around all the things you love.
Flirting is no different. So, and the other thing I'll say
about that too is I host live workshops where I teach people
about flirting. And the first thing I do is I
have people write down, how doesflirting make you feel?
And then we all anonymously readeach other's answers.
(46:12):
And every single time I've taught this workshop, 90% of the
people say it makes me feel awkward, it makes me feel ugly.
I don't like it, I hate it, I don't want to do it, I dread it.
It makes me feel bad. And I get to watch as every
single person gets to hear otherpeople saying the exact same
feeling. And then all of a sudden they
become just a little bit freer because they realize, Oh my God,
(46:36):
everybody feels the same way. We all feel not good enough, and
of course that's because we're not knowledgeable about it.
That's the only thing I always like to say.
If knowledge is power, sexual knowledge is empowering.
But that would be the myth that you're not good at flirting.
I don't care who you are, I can prove you wrong.
(46:56):
I love that. So where can people find you if
they want to find out their flirting superpower or work with
you and learn? Join your workshops.
Absolutely. So again, if you want your
flirting superpower, go to pleasurescience.com/flirt and
you can come and say hi to me onInstagram and Tiktok and
(47:16):
YouTube. At Pleasure Science, I am always
posting fun videos and on YouTube we have the Pleasure
Science Podcast and I take you with me behind the scenes into
my life as a sex scholar. I take you with me to the Porn
Awards. I am going to a big festival
next week called Sex on the Beach.
That video will be on YouTube too.
(47:37):
So there's a lot of fun stuff going on.
But if you just look up PleasureScience, you will always find
me. Love that.
Just a couple of questions before we finish this episode.
What is one of your favorite pleasure products?
One of my favorite pleasure products are any of those
candles that when you light them, they turn into wax that
(47:58):
you can put on your lover's body.
There are so many of them that Ilove, but big shout out to Dame.
I think they have one of the best I've ever seen and it comes
with a little nozzle so you can like pour it out and it's really
fun. Do you like to like do it on
others or be the one who gets iton?
(48:18):
I like to receive. I'm a pillow Princess.
What is one book recommendation you would have for us in regards
to pleasure? Well, the sextrology book, it's
my book on sex and astrology andit's very fun and it's the first
one that actually talks about non monogamy and being trans and
(48:38):
being queer. But it's all about sexual
compatibility. And I also go over your sexual
subconscious archetype. But if I had to also plug a book
that isn't my own, a book I'm reading right now that I love is
Sex at Dawn. An oldie but a goodie.
And it really breaks open in a very beautiful and easy to
understand way, the history of why sex became shameful when it
(49:03):
was actually something we used to worship.
So you can read my book or you can read that one.
Last question, and also thank you so much for coming onto the
podcast. Loved having you here to talk
all things flirting. What is your #1 tip or one of
your #1 tips for pleasure that you can share with us for anyone
(49:27):
listening? My #1 tip is try everything
twice. The first time you try something
sexy, it's not not going to be feel sexy.
I can't tell you how many times I tried to bring a fantasy to
life and I was like OK, so this was hotter in my head until I
learned if I try everything twice, the first time it's going
(49:48):
to be awkward, it's going to be uncoordinated, or maybe it won't
be, but listen, a lot of the times it is.
The second time I do something, I know what to expect.
I'm more coordinated, I'm more present, I'm less nervous.
That's the time when my nervous system is soothed and calm.
I can receive pleasure and really understand if I like
something or not. I love that.
(50:11):
Thank you so much for coming on.Oh, thank you for having me.
I think you were just such a badass and everyone should read
your book. Your bestseller.
We're both best selling authors,baby.
If you have loved this a pleasure lit episode, please
leave a five star review for this episode and you can share
(50:32):
with us in the comments below about your take away message.
You can share it along so we canspread more pleasure into this
world. You could also screenshot it and
take me and the guest speaker init so we can see it.
Who's your take away message Andwe can re share the love.
Sending you lots of love and pleasure.
What if flirting didn't feel like a game you had to win, but
an art to explore? Today we are diving deep into
the delicious world of connection, chemistry and that
spark that you feel when someonesees you.
Like, really sees you. My guest is Nadesh Sex scholar,
best selling author, and the founder of Pleasure Science.
(00:22):
She's been featured on The History Channel, Cosmopolitan,
Women's Health and even Apple TVPlus, but today she's here to
help us uncover the secret to effortless flirting.
Not by teaching you how to be someone else, but by revealing
the flirting superpower you already have.
(00:42):
We are talking flirting styles, magnetic energy, turning up the
heat in the bedroom, and how to flirt without oversinking it.
So either you're single, partnered, or just want to feel
more alive and lit up in your own skin.
This episode is your permission slip to play, tease, and connect
like never before. So get ready to lean in, make
(01:05):
eye contact, and let's start theart of flirtation.
Welcome to the podcast. Thank you.
I feel like you just seduced me and flirted and like you were
flirting with all of us and it was perfect and wonderful.
Mission accomplished, tick. To get started, I would like to
(01:27):
ask you a couple questions to get to know you a little bit
more. Where are you currently at on
your pleasure journey? I'm single, I'm dating and I'm
currently going through this active process of healing what I
call my inner slut and my inner lover girl because I'm a total
golden retriever. I love people and and I'm very
(01:51):
sweet and joyful, but and so I feel like I'm a lover girl in
that sense and I'm loyal and sweet, but I also love fun and
pleasure. When I'm single, I like to
explore sex. I, I don't want to be exclusive
right away. And so I'm kind of in my, the
place of my pleasure journey of being like very present with my
(02:12):
sluttiness, but that doesn't interrupt the flow of like love
and deep connection that comes into my life.
And so it's been really fun and,and also like heartbreaking in a
really great way. Like I feel like it's like ego
death and then bliss and ego death and then bliss to like
date with such conscious open heart, open legs, legs spread
(02:38):
open, you know, intention. So that's where I'm at in my
pleasure journey. And I feel like everything I've
done before this point has allowed me to get to this place.
So it's a fun place to be at. I love how you just really
embrace and give yourself the permission slip to lean into
that, being single and enjoying it because a lot of people
(02:58):
struggle with that and then justlook for the next relationship
or that next connection. But you're just fully like, OK,
this is the face right now that I'm in.
I'm just fully embracing it. Love that so much.
What is something that brings you a lot of pleasure?
My dog and just all animals in general and when and actually
(03:20):
Speaking of my dog, she just started coughing so we can pause
for a second. She's a senior girly.
And actually recently I went to this farm in Los Angeles called
the Gentle Barn that rehabilitates all types of farm
animals. So I could like hug cows.
And so that is always like if I need instant pleasure in a way
(03:41):
that's like healthy nourishing and I know that like it will
really nourish me. Animals all the way.
I love that I haven't had that answer yet, so that's great.
Yeah, I'm like I go to the. Farm animals, it's interesting
because I get like the the variety of answers and sometimes
(04:04):
just ones that you wouldn't expect and you've never thought
about yourself. And then you're like, Oh yeah, I
should maybe add that to my pleasure list as well, because I
always suggest people to start like a pleasure list to have
things that maybe give you quickpleasure or like, you know, that
quick satisfaction or that long term pleasure.
So it's like really great to addthat to I.
(04:25):
Love that. That's brilliant to tell people
because I think people don't realize there is a like pleasure
is nourishing, it's healthy for your body, it's healthy for your
brain. But not all pleasure is
necessarily created equal. Like one of my funniest
metaphors, and I didn't come up with this, a cartoonist did,
where she said I love watching the Kardashians.
(04:45):
It's like eating fast food. It tastes great, but there's not
a lot of nutritional value, which I don't always believe
because I some reality TV listenthat does nourish my soul.
But I did love that metaphor where I'm like, yeah, you know,
not all pleasure, like the little pleasure, the long term
pleasure. So that list that you make
people is brilliant. When we head into flirting.
(05:08):
What does flirting mean to you? When we talk about flirting.
I love that question because forme, I actually do go back to the
science and something that really changed my definition of
flirting and made me both like fascinated with flirting and
stopped taking it so seriously, which I think is one of the
clues to being a good flirt is you just don't take it
(05:31):
seriously. And then the stakes get way
lower. But something that I realized
when humans flirt, we flirt for two reasons.
We either flirt for connection or we flirt for entertainment.
And so when you want to ask me what is my definition of
flirting, I used to say, oh, well, it's connection and you're
flirting for the seroticism. But sometimes our actual primary
(05:54):
need is entertainment, socializing, and we're flirting
or being flirty, and we have no intention of getting someone's
number, seeing them ever again, you know?
But you feel alive and you're interacting with that energy.
And so the best way I can describe flirting is it's this
version of feeling alive. And that's what I actually think
(06:17):
flirting is. And that's why it hurts so much
when we feel like we're not goodat it.
And that's why it hurts so much when it doesn't go well.
Does flirting has to include someone else you?
Know I you're asking me the bestquestions because one of the
things I tell my clients is you should be flirting with your
(06:38):
life. So no, flirting has nothing to
do with anybody else, but it canbe really fun with other people.
But it's a great way to socialize.
But no, I think we should be flirting with our life.
And in fact, one way that I flirt with my life, I have this
very slutty red cute gym outfit,like little biker short shorts
(06:59):
and the butt looks great and theboobs are up to my chin.
I wear that to the gym when I don't workout because I go to a
gym that also has a pool and a restaurant.
So I'll bring my laptop sometimes and I'll do work in
the restaurant. It's it's one of those fans.
It's a Fonzi gym. It's it's one of the ones, but
it has like a little complex that goes along with it in like
(07:20):
a Co working space, but it also has a gym.
And so sometimes I'll go there and I'll wear this very spicy
outfit and I'm like, you know, Idon't think I'm going to
actually get to workout today. I have so much on my plate and
I'm still showing up looking like a cute little gym girly
because it's sparks joy and I'm flirting with my life and like
(07:41):
gosh darn it, if I don't want someone to see me in my cute
little butt shorts, you know. So flirting with our life, it's
it's huge. And that's why I also think like
that aliveness is so important to name in the act of flirting.
And I would also add flirting with yourself because I am
hugely on the deep self love andbeing pleasure lit.
(08:03):
And one of my parts that I teachwithin my courses is the
pleasure talk, which is kind of like Akka dirty talk, pleasure
talk. But it also includes like the
mirror, talking with yourself and flirting with yourself or
like being more mindful and playful when you brush your
teeth in the morning and like, you know, you look at yourself
and give yourself a little wink.Why, you know the form of the
(08:24):
tooth places like in your mouth and you're just like dripping it
from the and you're just like, huh, So flirting.
Yeah, yes. So I feel flirting is something
that doesn't have to include someone else.
But I love your definition of connection or entertainment
because now it just made me think when I'm flirting with
myself is that sometimes with connecting with myself most of
(08:46):
the time, but it also is entertainment.
Like sometimes I just bring thatplayfulness in there.
Doesn't necessarily mean like I need to seduce myself for more,
but just I'm entertaining myself.
I'm playing with myself. Yeah.
And so I love that you said thatbecause I, like, just imagined
myself like in the mornings I'm totally flirting with myself.
(09:06):
Like, now that you said that, I'm like, wow, I hadn't even
thought of all of those patterns.
Like one of the things I love todo is just squeeze my boobs
together and make cleavage like sparks joy on it.
Cleavage sparks joy. OK.
I don't care if it's toe cleavage, butt cleavage, boob
cleavage. I like it all.
And so but that's a way that I flirt with myself is like
sometimes when I'm getting ready, I'll just like, squeeze
(09:28):
my boobs together and be like, look at how look how pretty I
look. Yeah.
And I didn't, you know, I didn'tthink of that, which is why it's
so great when US professionals get to like come and talk
together because I feel like we take all the things that we
learn and then we automatically start giving the 2.0 version
because now we're like in a think tank together.
So anyway, listening to this podcast is very lucky, but but I
(09:51):
love that. I love that.
And I totally love your statement of flirting with the
world, or I always say like flirting with the universe.
So going out, I've done a meditation, a walking meditation
once and it was about like really taking up space and you
know, like chest up and chin up and walking like you're taking
(10:12):
space and just smiling at strangers and eventually, you
know, at the birds. And like, I felt like I was just
flirting with the universe and with nature and just, you know,
smiling and flirting and it justmakes one feel so good.
So I just love that we can really like loop it around and
be like, there's flirting everywhere when we want.
(10:32):
To there is and when you understand that again then you
realize it's not that serious and you can practice any time.
So when you talk about like flirting superpower, which I've
read on your website, what does that mean and how can someone
discover they're like flirting superpower?
Absolutely. So you're flirting superpower
(10:55):
comes from the scholarship I found about something called the
flirt styles. So psychologists have found that
there are actually ten ways thathumans flirt with each other and
that you have a unique style. And so the more I started
researching this, the more that I found is everyone can really
embody one of the 10 flirt styles at any time.
Or we can mimic it because when humans socialize, we do mimic
(11:19):
behaviors. So really we can do any of the
10, but you will always have a dominant flirt style and a
supporting flirt style. And the only time that changes,
sometimes it could change with age.
You know, your dominant flirt style can change, but at all
times you are going to have thisdominant subconscious way of
flirting and connecting with people.
(11:41):
And so you're flirting superpower really is discovering
what is that dominant flirt style?
Am I physical touch where I wantto be in close proximity?
Like I have a friend who's a porn star and he will go up and
just like massage your shouldersand he's just such a physical
touch flirt and and he's so sweet and kind and he doesn't
(12:01):
just you know, he's not just touching anybody.
You know, he he knows all about consent and all the sex workers
do. That's why we got to support
them and got to support their work.
But but he's totally a physical touch flirt style.
Or maybe you're a polite flirt. So the second you have a crush,
you're like, let me open the door for you.
Let me, you know, let me do. I like to think of them as like
(12:21):
service kinks to like. I find that polite flirt styles
can be kinky service people where they like love to be
absurd of service to others. But that actually, that's
another conversation. That's the whole that's like the
next part of the flirt styles ishow are you kinky with them?
But we'll save that. But all that to say, say there's
(12:42):
all these different ways that weflirt.
You have a dominant flirt style and that's your superpower.
And once you discover what your superpower is, what is this
natural way that you interact with people, you can set
yourself up for success big timebecause then you're like, OK,
I'm a polite flirt style. So it makes sense for me to be
in places where I can talk to people, where I can note, like
(13:05):
for example, a polite flirt style will really excel if they
cook for someone because they know where everything is.
They can kind of take care, provide, anticipate needs.
But if you are a physical touch flirt style, you're not going to
do well in spaces that are basedon verbal interaction and verbal
flirting. Welcome to this a pleasure lead
(13:28):
episode. I am Pleasure Lead Patricia,
your pleasure lead at News Educator News.
Through the Pleasurelit Way, I guide you to embody unapologetic
confidence, deep self love and magnetic pleasure so you feel
deliciously turned on to life, to yourself and every pleasure
(13:53):
in between. Having lived through domestic
violence, abuse, low self esteemand a disconnected life, I have
transformed through exploring over 350 pleasure toys, tools,
counter somatic practices and over 20 certifications study.
(14:13):
I created the Pleasure LED Way as a path to blend real life
pleasure experiences with multi award-winning education.
You will find the Pleasurelit Way within my best selling book,
my online programs, my real lifepleasure experiences that I
(14:35):
share and the Pleasurelit Insider and so much more.
Accessible at pleasurelit.com for anyone who is ready to
explore the full depth of their pleasure potential.
Because you were never meant to dim your light.
You were meant to be and live pleasure lit unapologetically.
(15:00):
You talk about the flirting superpowers.
Is that like similar to like ourlove languages for example, or
like erotic blueprint? Is that coming from like kind of
that direction? I'd say so because it's another
way to understand our personality through archetypes.
And when you look at what the erotic blueprints or the love
(15:21):
languages did was it took human patterns and behaviors and made
them into an archetypal format. And that is something that's a
very easy way for our brain to understand and process
information about emotion and behavior that would otherwise
feel really esoteric and difficult to name.
Like how would you know to name,Oh, my love language is just
(15:44):
spending quality time with you. So please, like, let's just go
for a walk, right? Like maybe you might know that,
but for a lot of folks, they might not be able to voice or
find ways to make their needs valid without realizing like,
oh, these are like patterns of of things all humans need and
want, right? So totally.
The flirt styles are another version of that archetypal way
(16:07):
of understanding ourselves because once we do have labels
or language for understanding, we can take action, we can have
strategy, we can become better. But until you're able to say
like, oh, you know, I'm an athlete and I want to do XYZ,
well, you're not going to know to do what you need if you're
(16:27):
not trying. Like, like going out for
basketball is different from opening an ice cream store,
right? It's like these words, these
categories, these things help usunderstand who we are, how to be
better, what to look for. It's very fun and in fact, for
anybody who does want to know like OK, what's my flirt style?
You've sold me, how do I find this out?
Go to pleasurescience.com/flirt.I have a free quiz and in three
(16:52):
questions you will discover yourdominant flirt style.
So that's easy right there. Pleasure science.com/flirt.
You can go check that out and then after you discover your
flirt style, it's all about intuition and like now starting
to notice. OK, I took the quiz and I'm a
complimentary flirt. I love saying, oh, Patricia,
(17:12):
your hat. Like, you know, like that.
That's the flirt style. It's like, OK, now that I know
that when I'm flirting, I compliment people, how do I use
that knowledge to make myself better?
And how do I notice my patterns?How do I notice my intuition
come up? And I'm sure you already know
this, like desire and sex, theseare compasses, right?
(17:33):
That like, show us what we want,show us how to be empowered,
show us how to build the life ofour dreams.
And the intuition you get aroundflirting is no different.
So when you notice how you activate, you can also really
notice in a whole new way what you're attracted to, what you're
drawn to, and then what feelingsactivate when you interact with
what you're drawn to. Do you feel insecure?
(17:54):
Do you feel confident? Do you feel shy?
And what do you want to work on?Right.
So it's there's so much, there'sso much at play.
I just have this aha moment likeI'm just blown away because I've
never actually thought about my flirting style.
So now thought about my flirtingsuperpower or style.
But now seeing like what you've just uncovered or told me about,
(18:17):
I can see the connection with like love languages and erotic
blueprints. And every time I found something
like that, it was first of all like a permission slip for me to
actually embrace what I am doingthat I'm good at and that I
enjoy doing. But also giving myself the
permission to have those boundaries or to say, like,
well, this is just not working on me.
And I now just wonder, this is probably why people might not
(18:42):
even notice and realize when someone's flirting with them
because they're just like, that's not their flirting
superpower. So just, yeah, he's just nice.
He's just opening the door for me or yeah, he's just
complimented me on my head. Like this is not, you know, the
the flirt. Because when we think about like
love languages, for example, once I heard about that, I'm
like, oh, when I was in that relationship, his dominant love
(19:05):
language was words of affirmation and quality time
when mine was like acts of service.
But he never bring out the rubbish or never did this.
So I always felt like not loved.And he was just like, you don't
tell me how amazing I am. So he didn't feel loved.
So we were like completely on opposite sides and like, why
don't you do this for me? Why don't you do that for me?
Because we had different stars. Never thought about that.
(19:27):
And I was flirting. This is maybe where people or
couples or others might have like a mismatch.
So if they work, for example, want to initiate sex as well and
use flirting to initiate. If they use the different
flirting styles and it's just not working on each other, it
might be like even a turn off. Because I can imagine now with
(19:49):
your flirting superpower, you might also have one that's like
really weak. So it just doesn't work on you.
So it's just like, I'm just like.
Everything you're saying is toy.It completely tracks over here
too, with the flirting and the flirting style and people being
ships in the night and not spotting each other.
And I'd say that that's actuallyreally what happens the most
(20:11):
because there's 10 flirt styles,but only two of the 10 are ever
shown in media or romantic comedies.
It's always the confident flirt going after the mysterious
flirt. And I don't even need to explain
what those archetypes mean. I know you and you're listening
already. Get it?
It's like, oh, Yep, I know what you're talking about.
And so that only represents 20% of the population.
(20:33):
So we have 80% of people out here having all these other
flirt styles and thinking, well,I'm not a good flirt because I
don't confidently approach people or I'm not seductive or
attractive because I'm not mysterious and alluring and, and
people don't come up to me. And so, and another actually big
(20:53):
important thing that I learned when I was studying flirting
too, that's really helpful is it's important even if you're
not a confident flirt, it's really important to go up and be
direct and just say hi to someone and start a conversation
or try. Because the truth is if you
don't say something and if you're not direct, we're relying
on nonverbal cues. Now, the problem with that is
(21:17):
studies have found it takes 30, a minimum of 30 nonverbal subtle
cues for two people to realize that they're interested in each
other. So Patricia, if you and I are at
a bar in Australia and I see youacross the room, it's ladies
night. I'm like, who's this girl in her
hat? You know, and, and I look at you
and you look at me and then we, you know, and it's like, unless,
(21:39):
if there's no, it'll take 30 nonverbal cues for either one of
us to be like, OK, yes, this person is interested when I
could just get my cute butt up, walk over and say hi, What's
your name, right? And if you're bold, you could
say hi. I think you're cute.
What's your name, right? But you really need to do that
(22:02):
because if you're not approaching and being direct and
then figuring out what your flirt style is and just leaning
into that, you know, all you need to do is say hi.
That's your only job. And then let the energy do the
rest and feel it out. And it's OK if you're not
compatible, just like Patricia said, happens all the time, like
especially with the verbal flirts and the non verbal
(22:23):
flirts. That's the big one I see most of
the time. And in fact, this recently
happened to me. I was at a party and there was a
guy there who my friend had kindof told me he, he thought I was
cute and he we knew of each other.
So I was kind of excited. I was like, OK, I already he
thinks I'm cute. So I walked over to go and talk
to him. And I'm a very verbal person.
(22:44):
I love talking and pretty quickly on I realized this
person is like he has a non verbal flirt style and there's
one flirt style called the subtle flirt style.
I actually think that's what this guy was.
But for me, I am very talkative.I'm the playful, confident
flirt. I will go up to anybody and then
I want to make you laugh and I'mgoing to talk a lot and I'm
(23:06):
going to ask you questions. And so pretty quickly on, I'm
realizing like, damn, this is a bummer.
I'm super attracted to him. And according to my friend, he's
attracted to me. But that might be where this
starts and ends because we can'treally talk to each other and
we're not really and it's not personal.
And don't get me wrong, I spent like 2 days down in the dumps
(23:29):
being a grumpy puss and sad because I was like.
But he is so cute and I wish it worked and I admire him.
But at the end of the day, it's like and what, you know, I'm
gonna meet someone just as greatand we're gonna actually click.
And so the flirt styles is also really helpful because even when
you're out in the wild, you'll begin to realize like, oh, this
(23:51):
really has nothing to do with me.
Like, I shouldn't take this personal.
We're really not clicking and it's awkward and it doesn't make
me feel great, but it has nothing to do with me, right?
And so it's, it's, it's a fun bag, right?
Like going out and just flirtingwith life.
Just like different energies andit's just didn't match.
(24:14):
If someone is listening and thenand they usually say about
themselves, well I'm just not a flirt or I am shy or, and I'm an
introverted person or I just getstuck in my head and I want to
go over there. But then anxiety kicks in.
Like what is something like 1 tip that you could give them so
they could actually step into their flirting experience?
(24:38):
The best tip I'd say is set yourself up for success ahead of
time as much as you can. And that means if you are a
verbal flirt style but your friend is inviting you to a rock
concert and no one is going to be talking.
You just need to know that aheadof time and then find ways to
either adjust your expectations and think, OK, I'm going to this
(25:01):
concert. My intention is to hang with the
friends and dance. I don't expect to meet or
connect with folks. But the next time I'm out at an
art event where people are talking and there's, that's when
I'll be, you know, I'll be in a much better space versus kind of
going in blind and hoping for the best.
(25:22):
Like your flirt style helps you really plan ahead and adjust
your expectations. And that can make all the
difference between a confident night and a not confident night.
Taking things personal when theyshouldn't be and also protecting
your energy so that you don't feel like you're constantly
grieving bad moments in your dating life because that can
(25:45):
also be really painful and not fun.
So that would be my first reallybig tip is just do a little
look, see up ahead of time, justlike you would with the weather
is should I wear a sweater tonight?
And is this venue going to support my flirt style?
And if the answer is yes, great.And if the answer is no, great.
I believe that you are always given everything that you need.
(26:08):
And so if you're going somewhereand maybe you're not excited,
but you have to go or you know, it's not going to support your
flirt style, there's still a reason that you woke up today
and we're called to go to that place and find that reason for
being. That's kind of another mind hack
that I I do is like, I really try to find meaning out of every
moment. But yeah, that's where I'd start
(26:29):
that location strategy ahead of time.
I love that to put yourself in the right environment that
actually supports your flirting superpowers so you can be really
confident and shine in it. And when you're like, shy, it
gives you that permission slip. Like, OK, like, I feel good in
this one. So I'm not working against it.
But with it like that because like in this generation today,
(26:54):
flirting in person is not as often anymore or it's something
rare because these days there's like dating apps.
And how does your flirting superpower can now shine on
dating apps? Because I just recently moved up
here to the Sunshine Coast. And at the start of this year,
you might know I've written my book and published my book
(27:16):
became bestseller, the pleasure lit way by the way.
And after that I said I'm going to move up to the Sunshine Coast
because it was my next goal. And now I want to open up to
love because I said once I've written my book moved, I'm ready
to open up and meet my right person.
So I started to go on dating apps last week, start to go
(27:37):
around and have a look to just feed different energies and
different people. And already I'm just like the
dating app is such AI find it a bit frustrating because it even
though I've got like an ice breaker question on my profile
to just break the ice to have anactual conversation.
It's just hi, or how's your night or any plans for the
(28:01):
weekend? And I'm just like, I mean,
there's potential, like, could you just rate my profile like,
you know, hit it? So what can we do with flirting
styles online? Yeah.
Well, I think First off, there are people who are better behind
the screen than they are socializing in person.
And then there are people who are better in person than they
(28:22):
are behind the screen. And so that is 1 intention I
really have with dating on the Internet is OK someone because I
have met people and I've seen this with clients and my own
life where it's like on text message, it's like, am I
messaging potato? Are you okay?
Like blink twice if you're if you're alive and press, but then
(28:45):
you meet in person and it's like, okay, like you're showing
up, you're fun, you know? And so sometimes it's like
giving a little bit of the benefit of the doubt of people.
And it's interesting too, with different age groups, like if
we're going to go also with likestudies and stereotypes,
millennials and all the generations kind of below, they
(29:05):
tend to be sometimes better behind screen or more
comfortable behind a screen thanin person.
Like they're more socially awkward in person.
But then when you get to Gen. X and above, and I did that
right, right. Gen.
Z, yes, Gen. Z are the young UNS.
They're great behind a screen. In fact, also because of Kovid,
they did a lot of socializing behind screens.
(29:27):
But Jen and I, I confuse Z&X allthe time, which is why I had to
take a moment to make sure. But Jen, X and above, these are
folks who tend to be better in person and more awkward behind
the screen. And this is because this group
of people like, I mean, I'm likein the millennial category, but
I was a very in person person. I'm, I love being around people.
(29:51):
So I kind of fall into this category is we're better in
person and we're better when we meet up or we're better with
phone calls. And so the second tip would be
it's one we have that mindset. And then the second tip is
because it sounds like for you, the texting and behind the
screen, it just doesn't activateas much.
And so for me, I either start giving voice notes right away to
(30:13):
completely change and up the ante where I'm like, let me give
you a voice note. And I'll say this, especially
first, straight women or gay men, if you're giving a voice
note and you're trying to date aman, basically a lot of times
men will not respond with voice notes, not realizing that
they're doing that. Like they don't realize that
(30:35):
they're not matching. So if that happens to you, I
recommend going on a voice. They're like you or any
listener, go on a voice, don't say I want to hear your voice.
Like respond to the net, you know, let them know what to do
because men sweet things very misguided.
They just need to be told a little what to do, but then they
want to do the thing. I work with so many men.
They they love it. But that's so we have the
(30:57):
mindset piece of we're recognizing and already lowering
expectations a little bit for how people are showing up on
screen and then going to voice notes.
So you can kind of, and if you're someone who's better
behind the screen, then in person, maybe voice notes aren't
your thing. So again, it's like you can weed
people out or they can weed you out.
So sometimes the voice note won't work, but it's good.
(31:19):
Rejection is protection and redirection.
And then I'd get on a phone callas soon as possible.
If like the dating apps make youreally tired and they don't feel
fun. It's like we need to get off of
this paradigm and we need to just look at the dating app as
like this is a GPS signaling system for hoes in my area
(31:39):
codes. OK.
And that's what we're using it for and that's great.
And now for other people, again,on the other side of the
spectrum who are actually quite good behind a screen, like I
lived with a woman a few years ago who was actually older than
me, but she was so good at dating apps and I would just be
like, how are you having so muchfun on that awful app?
(32:01):
Like I don't. And and then I realized I'm
like, well, for me, I love in person.
I want to get to in person as soon as possible possible.
And for her, she is very savvy, funny, great behind a keyboard.
And so she actually liked the dating apps And I even met
another person recently who saidthe same thing.
He doesn't mind dating apps or talking on DMS.
(32:22):
He really prefers communication behind a screen.
It just makes him more comfortable.
He's also a Gen. Z, an older Gen.
Z. So it again, kind of makes sense
given how they were socialized. But but yeah, so it's also a
little bit of that compatibilitypiece, like maybe you're not
connecting with folks, but it's because you're not compatible
(32:44):
and it's a good thing, right? So it's a little bit of all of
that, but it's still hard. I also think taking a break is
really good because even me, like I have all the sex scholar
knowledge from like, oh, it could be this, it could be that.
But at the end of the day, sometimes I need to delete the
app and say, let me just go intonature, let me hug a cow, OK.
And then recalibrate because it can also dating apps can make
(33:08):
dating feel like, oh, you have just like a bunch of dentist
appointments with these random beat, you know, it like can just
feel like a bunch of random appointments.
It can feel discouraging. It can feel lifeless.
And the second that happens, I think it's a good moment to take
a step back because you really also only want to be engaging
with dating profiles when you feel alive and excited to use
(33:29):
them, because that's when you'llmanifest better.
Yes, I agree with that one as well, because I had people then
reaching out when I had like kids, free time, like public
holidays, for example, go on thedating apps and I'm like, no,
because that's when usually people go on dating apps like,
oh, it's a public holiday. It's Christmas, Easter.
I don't have anyone and they're just desperately looking.
(33:50):
I said this is not the right time for me to find my person.
So they are also depending on the cycle I'm at like ovulation
time. I'm just like, yeah, let's go
out on dates and then I close tomy period, don't talk to me.
Yeah, totally. The way I schedule dates as
well. So a relation me knows like
(34:10):
don't put the date in there justbefore your period because then
you might not be really attracted and into all of that.
So I've learned that as well to schedule and just see it work
with my cycle. And I love that you just have
mentioned about the voice notes as well, because this is
something that I do as well as soon as there is a conversation,
(34:31):
a connection. And I think for me it's with
that hey, or you know, what you're doing tonight kind of
thing. It just doesn't have depth and
input. Yeah, I agree.
I. Am seeking for someone who can
communicate effectively so as soon as this comes up I know OK
this is not my person. So it actually selects and gives
(34:52):
me the opportunity to really go deeper with the person who might
have a genuine conversation withand then I can take it to the
voice notes which I usually do. Then I always get like, oh, I
hear this accent like, where areyou from?
And that's why you know that they like you and they're
interested because they want to know about your accent.
Yeah. And it's like great icebreaker
(35:14):
because I always forget that I'mactually from Germany.
I just start talking and then people like, oh, you're accent.
I'm like, damn it, OK, here we go.
And. Then.
I love voice notes then as well because I'm an energetic person,
so it then helps me to actually feel in a little bit.
And this is where my flirting superpower can come out because
(35:36):
the way I then communicate, I can start flirting over voice
notes so much better than over text.
So yeah, I love that. And it's just really amazing.
I think everybody needs to really tune into themselves and
see what's important for themselves.
So like I said, for myself with that deeper connection and I
need someone who can communicateeffectively and that is via
(35:59):
text, voice notes in person. It needs to be an all arounder
because I can't as a full time single mom meet up all the time.
So I need to be able to communicate with someone also
via text or voice notes or phonecalls.
So it needs to be someone who can do that.
And then, yeah, everyone just needs to, I think, tune into
themselves what's important and then see where their flirting
(36:21):
superpowers is, which you can now find out and then go from
there and see what matches. Absolutely.
That's great. Do you think there's something
like flirting too much? Only when you're crossing
someone's boundaries. Like that's that's the only
thing that I would think like for you personally, like
(36:44):
flirting is healthy. So I think it's good for people
to flirt. And the only time it really can
be taken too far is if like someone has kind of shown you
they're not interested or their energy's closed or they're not
really responding or they're looking, you know, you're
getting the signals and you keeppushing.
That's when we take flirting toofar.
You know, if it starts to feel like you have to force it, then
(37:05):
that is your cue to just take a step back and stop flirting
altogether, potentially. In this regards, because I work
with men as well and sometimes Iget comments such as I just
don't know anymore Miss can I approach them or not?
Because as soon as you now meet a stranger like out and about at
(37:28):
a park and you just comment on her wearing a beautiful dress,
out of a sudden you are a stalker or it's harassment.
And man just starting to feel really insecure about what is
OK, what isn't OK anymore. What's your perspective on that
in in regards to like flirting, initiating to to speak to like
from a man's perspective now to a woman?
(37:51):
Yeah, I my like, whenever I'm working with clients, my advice
is always like, take a shot one time and remember that like you
can't say the right thing to thewrong person or the wrong thing
to the right person. So if you take a shot and
someone is open, it'll flow. And if you take a shot and
conversation isn't really clicking, it's starting to feel
(38:12):
awkward and uncomfortable, then just thank them for their time
and go back to whatever you weredoing.
Maybe go outside, maybe make a phone call, maybe go to the
restroom, maybe go to the bar, order a different drink for
yourself. But just take the hint.
But I will say you should approach.
You should always do that first approach because like we
(38:33):
learned, it takes 30 non verbal cues for people to realize
they're interested in each other.
So say hello, tell someone that you think that they're
beautiful. And I think that sometimes that
can also come across better than, oh, I like your dress.
Like it's attractive when someone is direct and when you
kind of don't question why they came over.
(38:53):
And so if you go up to a woman and you say, hey, I'm Jared, I
think you're really beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?
You know, you have just established you're interested in
this person. And another good thing too, is
again, with direct questions, ifyou're unsure, like, ah, is she
into me? Is she not ask for her phone
number? That'll tell you.
She will then have the opportunity to say yes or no,
(39:16):
you know, So if you are unsure, you don't want to walk away yet.
And you say, hey, can I have your number?
And she's like, you know what? No.
And you're like, well, I feel stupid.
I should have walked away before.
Listen, it's not personal and just walk away.
It's not meant for you and that's fine.
And but I do believe we should be talking to each other.
(39:37):
We should be taking the risk. We should at least be trying one
time because the issue is not approaching women.
The issue is not listening or not paying attention when it's
not really going well and then starting to push instead of just
accepting and walking away. Yes, yeah, I had moments where I
(40:00):
just literally had to walk away from from a date because I just
kept pushing. I'm going to walk into the car.
I'm like, no, I'm fine. And then I at the car like was
standing in front of my car doorand I'm just like, let me get
out of here. This is not working.
What don't you get? Like, yeah, I had enough.
I'm going home without you. Yeah.
(40:21):
So yeah, in regards to flirting,because also we made the
connection to the bedroom, what's the difference or is
there a difference between flirting and I kind of like
dirty talk or I like to call it leisure talk?
Yeah, well, I find that dirty talk and pleasure talk is kind
(40:42):
of an escalation of how you naturally flirt.
So if you're a physical flirt style, you might not be good at
dirty talk or pleasure talk at all.
But you're out here massaging, you're kissing, you're licking.
If you're a polite flirt or a traditional flirt.
This also might be someone who struggles with dirty talk
because it doesn't feel polite or traditional to be like,
(41:04):
you're a hot slut. Yeah, you know, like, you don't
know quite what to say, but you're still a verbal person, so
you can find a way, you know? And so I found that your flirt
style really kind of shows you and the basic kind of advice I
can give off of that before you know, folks know what their
flirt style is and they've takenthe quiz is if you right off the
(41:27):
bat know that you're more nonverbal, then try instead of
dirty talk, primal play, you're I had a client, a couples
client. They were married and they loved
each other so much, but sex was really not working and they
couldn't figure out why. And I instantly figured it out.
I'm like, this person is verbal,this person is nonverbal.
(41:50):
And so they started doing, I waslike coaching them and working
with them on like let's do primal play where they started
wrestling and they started just playing with you getting a
little bit more aggressive. And the verbal person realized
they didn't need verbal dirty talk because this was very
stimulating. And the non verbal person
finally had a way to be like using their strengths.
(42:11):
I'm going to, you know, and it was really hot.
And so if you're non verbal, trythese more primal ways, you
know, massage, hugging, kissing,biting, you know, playing
wrestling with each other, rubbing against each other.
Humping is not overrated. People let's hump more.
But try doing more primal physical things.
(42:34):
And then if you are a more verbal person, then you probably
can develop a verbal flirt styleskill and have that be really
authentic and yummy and delicious.
And that's going to be a little bit about practice, you know,
and I love your mirror exercise.That's where I train clients to
do mirror exercise and I train them like let's start saying
(42:54):
sexy words in the mirror to yourself to normalize you saying
it, to normalize what it feels like in your body.
I find a lot of people struggle with dirty talk, not because
they don't want to do it, but because they've never they can't
say cock without feeling either embarrassed or shy or, you know,
it activates all of these things.
And so we need to to normalize in our body what it feels like
(43:16):
to talk sexually. And you can do that in and out
of the bedroom. Voice notes, again, that's a fun
place that's can almost be the training ground.
Let me do dirty talk over voice notes, dirty talk over text.
It's those are two places actually where I like textual
communication because I do thinkyou can really find and learn in
(43:38):
a gentle way how to do dirty talk.
And in the course that I've teach about pleasure talk, I
actually also identified that there are different types of
pleasure talk. That doesn't necessarily have to
mean that you are going for cog pussy and using all like, you
know, the name callings and all that stuff.
If that's not your thing, you can leave that away.
(44:00):
Pleasure talk can be speaking out of fantasy like a pleasure
fantasy, or it can be a commanding thing like you know
you command someone or there areso many different types that you
can use for pleasure talk. They don't have to be, you know,
calling someone or naming the sexual parts of your body.
(44:21):
So when people think about dirtytalk or pleasure talk, I always
like to say pleasure talk now because I want to take that
stigma off. It's dirty.
It's taboo because why are we doing it to to experience
pleasure? Yeah.
So when we use that talk, we want to experience pleasure.
So why not actually enhance it and say like it's pleasure talk
(44:43):
instead of something taboo or shameful like dirty talk is to
really lean into what do you like and then embrace that and
then just using that for pleasure.
I I mean gay men girl. I agree on all fronts 100%.
If there's one myth about flirting that you wish would
(45:05):
disappear forever, what would itbe?
That you're bad at flirting. Just I don't care who thinks
that they're bad at flirting. You're not, you just don't know
your flirt style. And because you don't know your
flirt style, you haven't been able to practice that skill.
And it's just a skill. And you've also actively just
been taught from the time you were young maybe that you're bad
(45:27):
at flirting. And that also just isn't true.
So that's a myth I would like totake away because we all are
actually good at flirting, especially when we start
figuring out who we're compatible with, the locations
that set us up for success because that's all that life is
really right. The reason why adulthood gets
better is because you realize, oh, you know what?
I don't really like the sand. So going to the beach doesn't
(45:49):
sound fun, but I love a good library.
You know, it's like you figure out your life and then you start
organizing your life around all the things you love.
Flirting is no different. So, and the other thing I'll say
about that too is I host live workshops where I teach people
about flirting. And the first thing I do is I
have people write down, how doesflirting make you feel?
And then we all anonymously readeach other's answers.
(46:12):
And every single time I've taught this workshop, 90% of the
people say it makes me feel awkward, it makes me feel ugly.
I don't like it, I hate it, I don't want to do it, I dread it.
It makes me feel bad. And I get to watch as every
single person gets to hear otherpeople saying the exact same
feeling. And then all of a sudden they
become just a little bit freer because they realize, Oh my God,
(46:36):
everybody feels the same way. We all feel not good enough, and
of course that's because we're not knowledgeable about it.
That's the only thing I always like to say.
If knowledge is power, sexual knowledge is empowering.
But that would be the myth that you're not good at flirting.
I don't care who you are, I can prove you wrong.
(46:56):
I love that. So where can people find you if
they want to find out their flirting superpower or work with
you and learn? Join your workshops.
Absolutely. So again, if you want your
flirting superpower, go to pleasurescience.com/flirt and
you can come and say hi to me onInstagram and Tiktok and
(47:16):
YouTube. At Pleasure Science, I am always
posting fun videos and on YouTube we have the Pleasure
Science Podcast and I take you with me behind the scenes into
my life as a sex scholar. I take you with me to the Porn
Awards. I am going to a big festival
next week called Sex on the Beach.
That video will be on YouTube too.
(47:37):
So there's a lot of fun stuff going on.
But if you just look up PleasureScience, you will always find
me. Love that.
Just a couple of questions before we finish this episode.
What is one of your favorite pleasure products?
One of my favorite pleasure products are any of those
candles that when you light them, they turn into wax that
(47:58):
you can put on your lover's body.
There are so many of them that Ilove, but big shout out to Dame.
I think they have one of the best I've ever seen and it comes
with a little nozzle so you can like pour it out and it's really
fun. Do you like to like do it on
others or be the one who gets iton?
(48:18):
I like to receive. I'm a pillow Princess.
What is one book recommendation you would have for us in regards
to pleasure? Well, the sextrology book, it's
my book on sex and astrology andit's very fun and it's the first
one that actually talks about non monogamy and being trans and
(48:38):
being queer. But it's all about sexual
compatibility. And I also go over your sexual
subconscious archetype. But if I had to also plug a book
that isn't my own, a book I'm reading right now that I love is
Sex at Dawn. An oldie but a goodie.
And it really breaks open in a very beautiful and easy to
understand way, the history of why sex became shameful when it
(49:03):
was actually something we used to worship.
So you can read my book or you can read that one.
Last question, and also thank you so much for coming onto the
podcast. Loved having you here to talk
all things flirting. What is your #1 tip or one of
your #1 tips for pleasure that you can share with us for anyone
(49:27):
listening? My #1 tip is try everything
twice. The first time you try something
sexy, it's not not going to be feel sexy.
I can't tell you how many times I tried to bring a fantasy to
life and I was like OK, so this was hotter in my head until I
learned if I try everything twice, the first time it's going
(49:48):
to be awkward, it's going to be uncoordinated, or maybe it won't
be, but listen, a lot of the times it is.
The second time I do something, I know what to expect.
I'm more coordinated, I'm more present, I'm less nervous.
That's the time when my nervous system is soothed and calm.
I can receive pleasure and really understand if I like
something or not. I love that.
(50:11):
Thank you so much for coming on.Oh, thank you for having me.
I think you were just such a badass and everyone should read
your book. Your bestseller.
We're both best selling authors,baby.
If you have loved this a pleasure lit episode, please
leave a five star review for this episode and you can share
(50:32):
with us in the comments below about your take away message.
You can share it along so we canspread more pleasure into this
world. You could also screenshot it and
take me and the guest speaker init so we can see it.
Who's your take away message Andwe can re share the love.
Sending you lots of love and pleasure.
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