September 10, 2025 • 33 mins
Do you ever feel like you give so much to others that your own to-do list starts gathering dust?
This week on Radical Joy, James reminds us that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the spark that keeps our light bright enough to share.
✨ Listen, don’t lecture—why silence speaks volumes
🪞 Mirror moments—how friends’ struggles reflect your own
💡 Quiet cues—the surprising strength of saying less
🎭 Support staff status—why you don’t need center stage
🌱 Stitches & self-care—embroidery as an empathy lesson
🤝 Holding hearts, not holding control
🔥 Fueling your flame so others can find their fire
💌 Being good to you is the greatest gift to the globe
Take a breath, take a beat, and take care—because the more grounded you are, the more grace you can give.
👉 If this episode sparks something in you, leave a 5-star review, screenshot it, and send it our way—we’ll send you some Radical Joy swag to help you spread the light.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/radical-joy-with-james-bullard--5644728/support.
🌹🧡🟡🌳🔷🟪🤎🖤❔ ❤️🍊🟨💚💙💜🟤🖤❕❕
Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and breathe!
❤️🍊🟨💚💙💜🟤🖤❕❕ 🌹🧡🟡🌳🔷🟪🤎🖤❔
Got something on your mind? James never runs out of things to say, so tell us what you want to discuss!
Remember there is no shame in joy or for asking for what you need.
Leave a review, send us a screenshot, and we’ll mail you a sticker! See you next FRIDAY for another dose of Radical Joy.
James is not a therapist, but you’re not alone. If you're in crisis, call 988 for professional help.
For non-emergencies, Psychology Today can connect you with support and therapists who fit your needs.
This podcast and CLW Studios content are not therapy or a substitute for it. Guest opinions are their own.
We're here for insight and encouragement but always seek professional support when needed.
This episode was Produced and edited by Kerri J of CLW Studios
This week on Radical Joy, James reminds us that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the spark that keeps our light bright enough to share.
✨ Listen, don’t lecture—why silence speaks volumes
🪞 Mirror moments—how friends’ struggles reflect your own
💡 Quiet cues—the surprising strength of saying less
🎭 Support staff status—why you don’t need center stage
🌱 Stitches & self-care—embroidery as an empathy lesson
🤝 Holding hearts, not holding control
🔥 Fueling your flame so others can find their fire
💌 Being good to you is the greatest gift to the globe
Take a breath, take a beat, and take care—because the more grounded you are, the more grace you can give.
👉 If this episode sparks something in you, leave a 5-star review, screenshot it, and send it our way—we’ll send you some Radical Joy swag to help you spread the light.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/radical-joy-with-james-bullard--5644728/support.
🌹🧡🟡🌳🔷🟪🤎🖤❔ ❤️🍊🟨💚💙💜🟤🖤❕❕
Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and breathe!
❤️🍊🟨💚💙💜🟤🖤❕❕ 🌹🧡🟡🌳🔷🟪🤎🖤❔
Got something on your mind? James never runs out of things to say, so tell us what you want to discuss!
Remember there is no shame in joy or for asking for what you need.
Leave a review, send us a screenshot, and we’ll mail you a sticker! See you next FRIDAY for another dose of Radical Joy.
James is not a therapist, but you’re not alone. If you're in crisis, call 988 for professional help.
For non-emergencies, Psychology Today can connect you with support and therapists who fit your needs.
This podcast and CLW Studios content are not therapy or a substitute for it. Guest opinions are their own.
We're here for insight and encouragement but always seek professional support when needed.
This episode was Produced and edited by Kerri J of CLW Studios
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hello, friends, So happy to have you here with me
today at Radical Joy. If you've been here before, hey,
welcome back. If this is your first time with me,
well I'm glad you're here. Each week, i'm here with
you talking to myself about things that weigh on my
mind and heart, hoping if you're dealing with something similar,
we can adjust our perspectives as you listen. Hey, if
(00:30):
you're struggling with something that needs immediate attention, please know
that help is available, just as on nine eight eight
nationwide in the US to reach the Mental Health and
Suicide Crisis Hotline. All of us here at CLAU Studios
believe that mental health is a vital part of our
well being. The more people I meet and the more
(00:50):
places I go, the more I realize how important it
is to make people aware of the fact that there
is no shame in enjoying the parts of our lives
that are intimal. It's time for some radical joy, and
this week, the three fingers pointing back at me are
for being good to the world by being good to yourself.
(01:13):
This idea came up not too long ago because I
have realized a habit that I have I won't say
it's a bad habit. I will say that it is
not the most effective habit at me getting all of
my work and to do's done. I am often consumed
(01:34):
with the needs of the friends in my inner circle.
They're amazing people, and they do have certain needs that
they reach out to me to talk about, and I
love that. I prioritize that very highly in my life,
and I think it is thoroughly enjoyable whenever we can
talk enough through it that they get to a point
where I don't want to necessarily call it a breakthrough,
(01:57):
but I would like to say that perhaps the next
stepths become clearer and a plan of action starts to form.
What I have realized in doing such a thing is
that I will often put aside the things that I
need to get done because it is so much easier
(02:19):
for me to help others with things that they would
like to talk about than it is to dig through
my own muck to try to figure out what I
need to do for the next steps in my plan
of action. And instead of approaching that with a critical
eye or a I don't know, a sort of a
(02:41):
connotation that it isn't fruitful because it is, there's still
much to be said. There's still value in that situation.
Helping a friend is always a wonderful thing, and keeping
yourself on track is still just ever so slightly more important. Okay,
and I'm gonna tell you why I'm feeling this today.
(03:05):
We've talked about before that it's really hard to pour
from an empty vessel, right, that we have to take
that moment to make sure that we do things for
ourselves that continue to replenish the supply. Well, this is
just another take on that idea. It's the fact that
whenever I handle my own business, I feel less frantic,
(03:27):
I feel more grounded and solid because I know that
I've done the work on me so that I feel
more like a competent influence on people who may ask
for my help. And I take it really seriously. I
want to be really good at listening and leaving space
(03:49):
for people whenever they come to talk to me about
something that weighs heavily on their mind or their heart.
Another thing that I've found over the years is that
off bring counsel immediately is probably not the wisest course
of action right at the gate. The best thing I
(04:10):
found to do in the years that this has been
going on is to listen. It's just listening. I can't
help feeling that anyone who comes to me to mull
over an issue a sort of a burden collaboration, if
you will, if I leave them a chance to sort
of talk it out to someone not necessarily sounding board,
(04:34):
because I feel as though when you say something to
a sounding board, you're expecting a reply, a give and take,
a call and response that isn't necessarily what is the
most helpful in situations like this, what I would pause
it is to perhaps sit there in their presence and
(04:56):
let them continue to talk about whatever is on their
mind until they reach a point where they almost run
out of steam. Give them a place where they're safe
and they are heard. I think that most folks, whenever
they come to someone they trust with a problem, they've
already got it mostly figured out. I'd give it a
(05:19):
high eighties percentile that it's already figured What they need
is that last little bit. And it's not that they
necessarily need advice or someone to talk to them about it.
They need someone to listen to them sort of reason
out the last little details of whatever it is that
they're doing in order to make it to the other
(05:43):
side of whatever this issue is that's bothering them, that
is in itself something that we can use to sort
of fill that cup. If we listen to the progress
that our friends and our loved ones make when they
come to us with an issue. I think a lot
(06:03):
of times if we're more keen on listening and understanding
why this is a problem for them, I think many
times it will help us in things in our own
lives that need just a little bit of untangling. I
think that if we continue to look at this as
a learning experience instead of a moment to attempt to teach,
(06:26):
where we dissect it, look for the things that seem
to be the stumbling blocks and point those out with
either the yardstick or the laser pointer, and instead use
it as a learning moment for us that these people
who are clearly very much like us in certain ways,
that's why we're friends. That's why we're important to one another.
(06:47):
There's something in each other that speaks or resonates with
the other, and so when they have a problem, the
chances are are you've either dealt with something, are dealing
with something, or will deal with something very similar in
a very close a very what's we're looking for in
(07:12):
a just down the line if you haven't already or
if you aren't currently, And whenever we give it that
room and that honor and that role, I think it's
a lot more helpful for both of us. A lot
of my friends are close to my own age, so
I think they've gone through a lot life experience has
(07:33):
definitely given them a lot of wisdom. And whenever they
come to me with something like that, it's not that
they need the help, they just need the rest. Hey,
could you hold this for me for a minute while
I look at it from a different angle. Yeah, I
don't know if you know this or not. I do crossit.
I can hope that for you for a minute. And
(07:57):
then they can and they've got a little spain, they've
got a breather, They've got a minute where it isn't
just so close to them that they can get a
better angle on it to perhaps figure out where they
go next with this situation that may be a serious
impediment to their joy, to their success, to the next
steps on their journey toward being a bigger, better, kind,
(08:19):
or stronger person. And the fact that they've come to
you to help them is a huge compliment. So what
I'm saying in this situation is, while you're holding it,
take a look at it yourself. They've asked you to look.
It's not intrusive, You're not invading anyone's privacy or or
prying somewhere you're not welcome. They've invited you to be
(08:43):
a part of this, and I think there is value
in looking at that as a learning moment for yourself
and not just a way to perhaps put your own
problems aside while helping them with theirs. Something tells me,
in my attack a box of problems that I've got
something that is probably very similar to what this person
(09:05):
has come to me asking about. So instead of waiting
for my turn to talk, what I'd love to do
is be more focused on what it is they're doing,
leave my mind open to kind of wander to see
what in my life would be similar. So if they
come up with some new tactics, I can employ those
in my own life to do better by me, and
(09:27):
then that way, whenever I get better and heal that
problem or that wound in me that you know, may
be something as small as a paper cut or as
big as a compound fracture. I'm on the road to
wellness because I stopped to help them, And instead of
this being a one way street where I continue to
(09:47):
pour and poor and poor, now we've got a two
way situation. We've got incoming and outgoing, and life has
suddenly become a lot more balanced. And I am no
longer ignoring my own needs because someone requests assistance for
something that I can both help and be helped by
being a participant. Am I making any kind of good
(10:12):
sense with that? Does that feel like something that would
be useful? I've mull this over a lot, because I do.
I mean, I really get a charge out of trying
to help folks, especially when they come to me to
ask for it. And I'm getting into an era of
life where a lot of my friends just need me
to listen. And there are certain phrases and certain ideas
(10:35):
that I hold real close to my heart that I
often distribute willy nilly to anybody who's around and listening
and wanting. Number One, it is not my job to
judge my job, my position. What I see is my
role in this relationship and or dynamic is to love
(10:57):
and to support. I think a lot of my friends
are very interesting and intelligent people, and I think whenever
they come to me with something on their mind, it's
not a problem as much as it is just a
snag in the material of their lives, in the fabric
of their being, and they're like, hey, while I work
(11:19):
on this, I'm going to need someone to hold the
frame while I get these threads untangled. While I work
on this certain bit of embroidery. If you could just
either hold the needle or or hold the frame while
I'm working on it, that'd be a big help. Not
asking you to help in the construction or the actual
(11:42):
weaving or sewing or stitching itself, I'm asking you to
be a utility. And I can do that. Yes I can,
because that takes so little of my own emotional or
intellectual effort or power. It still asked me to be
a heart. It stills me to be very much a
participant in the situation. It's just not the main event.
(12:07):
It's more like support staff and man, you can do
that with your eyes closed, in both hands tied behind
your back. You'll hold it in your teeth right. It's easy,
and there's something to be gained from it because you
can watch the intricacy of the way that they reweave
the fabric of their own lives while you get to
(12:29):
be a part and an audience member, right, and chances
are real good it's an audience of one. How special
is that? How unique an experience to share with this
individual whom you hold in such high regard. Right. It
(12:49):
feels good to be able to do something for your people,
your tribe, your circle. And if you use it as
only a helping opportunity and not a to way street,
sometimes it starts to drain. And sometimes you make excuses, well,
I didn't get my own things done today because so
and so needed me, because I was vital to this situation.
(13:15):
And don't get it twisted. You absolutely are. Don't overplay
your hand. And when I say yours, I'm talking about me.
Boy Am I talking to me right here? Okay? When
people ask you for help, please don't overinflate your role
in this, because these people have it well in hand.
They're just asking for a little bit of help with
the heavy lifting while they get that sucker on the
(13:38):
shelf and out of their main scope of focus. And
I think that's important to realize. It's not downplaying your role.
It's just making sure that you don't zoom in so
closely that you don't give your own business the time
and the space it needs and the effort to continue growing.
(14:02):
I've got a lot of good friends here that are
going through things. I think everybody's going through something, and
if you are, I hope you've got a good friend
or two around you that will listen to and watch
and help. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff,
you know, a good big life changes. I've got a
lot of things going on in health and fitness and this,
that and the other thing. And I've got some friends
(14:23):
who are very much there to be a good example
as well as someone who will be willing to listen
because they've been in my place as a beginner or
a newbie before. Maybe not a beginner, but definitely somebody
who lets something, let a skill rust a little bit,
and they you know, getting back into it was a
little bit more difficult or intricate than they'd expected. I
(14:47):
had to put a hand on the shoulder of a
friend of mine because he jumped right in with the
help and the love and the advice and then this
and then that and the other I said, Okay, thank
you first and foremost always thank you for being here
for me, because I think that your counsel is incredibly
wise and it comes from a place of experience and
knowledge and capability. And the thing that I need right
(15:11):
now is for you just to listen to what I'm saying,
because I'm pretty sure I already know what needs to
be done. What I need to do is sort of
sort through the BS to get to the crux of it.
And once I get there, the BS kind of finds
its own place among the shelves and the boxes and
the storage, and I can get to work on making
(15:32):
this colm to be few startled silence, a couple of
surprising blinks, and then a nod with no more verbal
reply until I was finished. I think that's another thing
that we need to be really mindful of got to perform.
(15:54):
I got to record a podcast episode with another good
friend of mine the other day, and he was talking
about clear communication among your friend the group, when your
friends come to you with a problem, or you go
to your friends with a problem before we start to
really unpack things, if these people know your mo know
(16:15):
what you're about, have a good idea that you are
not asking abrupt questions, to be brusque or to be confrontational.
You're asking to make sure that before we start the unpacking,
which I'm excited to do, I want to know what
our goal is in this situation. What is it you're
looking for from me? Once we get done laying all
(16:38):
this out on the table. And I think sometimes that
will catch a lot of people off guard. It's not
me trying to cut anyone off. It's not us trying
to rush through any kind of situation. What it is
trying to do is making sure that I don't offer
the inappropriate response to this very important issue that you've
(17:00):
brought to our forum before you get a chance to
actually say your peace on it. This is the same
friend I went to him a while back and I said,
here's the thing. I said, all I need you to do,
literally the only thing I need you to do whenever
I get finished writing all this out, because we were
on Messenger app, I said, is I need you to
(17:21):
say Wow, that sucks. That's it. I said, I'm going
to go through all of this stuff. I need to
lay it down. I need someone to carry it or
at least look at it after I've put it down,
And I think it's going to be a lot easier
if I can just get someone to say, yeah, that's
a big old bag of stinker right there. I had
tried it with a couple of other friends, and for
(17:43):
whatever reason, they just didn't necessarily register the need and
they started launching in and interrupting and you know, oh,
well we need to oh you shouldn't, or and God
love them, I'm so grateful. It's so good to have
people like that who are so eager to help me
with a problem. I think I have so that they
jump right in both feet and all the utensils in
(18:06):
the kitchen to get whatever's going on handled. I love that.
And as we get to certain levels, there are differing
categories of emergency. Right Certain things don't need a whole
lot of attention. I'm almost there. What I need is
(18:28):
somebody to just kind of like give me an arm
around a shoulder and let me sort of talk through
it with them as audience and me as the main
sort of character in the story teller. And audience you're
just sort of like, maybe I don't know, maybe you're
the box office manager and just kind of like be
(18:50):
here for it, know, it be in the knowing with me,
and then I can figure out what's left of it.
It may not take long at all, probably like seven
to ten minutes minutes if you got seven to ten
minutes to spare so that I can share this with
you and I can start to sort of see past
the rablash into the real heart of the matter and
figure it out. Yeah, yeah, I got that. I got
(19:14):
seven to ten minutes for that. And I think what
the best part of that is when we offer that
silence and that quiet and that focused presence not just
being there but clinging literally hanging on every word to
try to get as much of it as we possibly can.
(19:36):
I think that's a big help to both of us
in that situation. The things that people take to heart
and things that really shake them to their core always
fascinates and surprises the hell out of me. It. Honestly,
I could not be more surprised if it came up
(19:56):
and thumped me on the end of the nose. Wear
to goodness, it boggles my mind. Some of the things
that some of my incredible, talented, intelligent, charismatic, beautiful, whise
funy friends bring to me to talk about. I would
(20:17):
have never guessed they'd give it a second thought. And
this kind of thing weighs heavily, heavily enough that they
have to overcome their own insecurity, And honestly, it is
a huge, like anxiety ridden, trembling fear for some of them.
I know it is for me sometimes, whenever I take
(20:37):
these kind of things to talk about with people, it
takes a minute to get the ice water out of
a pit of my stomach, just to bring this to
someone who I know loves me, who I know keeps
a safe place for me twenty four to seven if
ever I should need it, And to hear the things
that keep them up at night, that wake them from
(20:57):
a sound sleep, that have their cuticles shredded because the
stress of the ponder just keeps one corner of one
fingernail in their mouth at all times, just gnawing at it,
because whatever this is is gnawing at the edge of
their psyche. You'd never guess until they said it. And
(21:21):
it's funny too, because people are like, oh, yeah, that's
a beautiful woman, she's got ABC in security, or oh yeah,
that guy's built like a brick house. Of course, he
deals with X, Y and Z generalization and we got
to be super mindful of that. And generalizations and stereotypes
exist for a reason, and both of those deserve the
(21:44):
respect I'm going to give them. Right now, do we
assume no? Is it a good starting point while we
work through this? Sure, until we're proven otherwise, Why not?
At least we can start from a place where we
hope this is the thing, or guess this is the thing.
Nobody likes to start from ground zero square one is
(22:06):
kind of a sucky place to start. It's a great
place to start, but starting from zero knowledge can be
a little bit nerve racking. Right, Starting with a clean
slate is amazing if you can do that. What I
like to think is that my slate already has just
a little bit of writing on it, and as they
(22:29):
fill in the rest of it, if I need more space,
I can just take the heel of my palm and
rub out what I got wrong and fill it with
what they are replacing it with. That is correct information.
Is it a few more steps? Is a little more work,
a little more hassle? Yeah it is, But for me,
it gives me a more comfortable place to start. And
(22:53):
as long as I am diligent with the erasure and
filling in the new information that is more accurate and
closer to what my friend is dealing with. That's what
helps me be a better friend. And it shows that
maybe I don't know as much as I think I
do about every little thing, which will then inform the
(23:15):
rest of my decisions from then on out. Not taking
any less certainty from my decisions. What it is is
making me ask more questions, more specific questions, more pointed questions,
being more curious instead of judgmental about the things that
I'm dealing with, instead of jumping to slap a sticker
on it and then jumping to employ a packet of
(23:40):
skills that I have acquired over the years that are
probably going to be the equivalent of a Hello Kiddy
bandage right whenever, What I really need is to clean
the wound, check for any infectious or infected tissue. You know,
if we really want to dig in the dirt, we're
going to put some some larvae in that and get
you some maggots, eat out all the dead skin. Yeah,
(24:02):
we're just gonna go for pro Why not make them
real here, visceral, Let's get visceral with it. Once some
little babies has done with all of their business, and
all you have left is that pink, healthy skin and
all of that rot and fester is gone. Then we're
gonna apply that anti bacteria. We're gonna put the bactine
on it. We're gonna throw some hydrogen peroxide up in
(24:25):
that hooker, and then we're gonna slather at niasporn that's
of Tryson, And then we're gonna put a gauze on it,
and we're gonna wrap it. And how do we know
how to do all of these things because we continue
to investigate, We continue to look at what we've been given,
assess the damage, assess the depth of the damage and
(24:48):
the severity of it. And then we're gonna talk to
people who have dealt with damage like this before, who
perhaps know a couple of special trade secrets, a couple
of home remedies, a couple of things you never thought
to try, but make all the sense once someone's smarter, older,
more experience has shared that wisdom with us, and we
(25:12):
apply it not just to the hurt that our friends
may be going through, but also to the hurt that
may be going in going on in our own lives.
Because the better care we take care of ourselves, and
the more wisdom we glean and learn and grow in
from others, the more we know how to help the
(25:36):
rest of the world. And that's what we're here to do.
Make connections. Help where you can, when asked to, gently
and lovingly, go to others into being more of the
good you see in them, being a great example to
(26:00):
the people around you who you think might be looking
to your life for some sort of help or instruction
or light. I don't think that is conceded. I don't
think it's self centered or arrogant. What I think it
is is humbling in one of the largest ways, because
the suspicion of that phenomenon does not make me an
(26:24):
arrogant or conceited person. What makes me an arrogant or
conceited person is to puff up and swagger and put
on airs or an act that isn't the true, real,
authentic sincere James Bullard light that people may or may
not be looking to find in their own lives. How
(26:46):
it is humbling is knowing that I'm doing something right
that I have always wanted to do, and whenever I
get that feeling, what I want to do is dig
deeper into that and sort of find the warmest center
(27:08):
of that light that I can and just do the
best that I can to continue feeding that flame, not
just for them, but for me, Because if it has
grown bright enough and warm enough for somebody else to
want to crowd in closer to get some of that
heat or light, the best thing that I can do
(27:29):
for myself and for them is to work on making
that an even brighter, warmer light, and doing that is
the biggest help I can give myself working to make
that light brighter for myself. All I'm doing there is
continuing to feed the soul and work on making that
(27:54):
heart stronger and bigger and able to do more for
more people, all the while remembering that I have to
continue to check back in with me to make sure
that what I need to get done is getting done,
and when it isn't, taking a moment shuffling some things around,
(28:14):
going to my trusted circle and talking with them about
what's going on, not for solutions, but for just a
minute that we can share where I am in the
middle of their light, or maybe we can shine hours
together for a minute to see what kind of fuel
they're using, or if they're using a different kind of wick,
(28:36):
any number of things. This metaphor. I love it. I
love using it. I think that there are so many
ways to look at it, and it all comes back
down to it's not a selfish act. Take care of yourself.
It is one of the best things you can do
if you want to be a help because the more
you work on yourself and the stronger you become, we become,
(29:01):
the better the whole thing gets. Because help for others,
especially if it's nothing more than listening or just holding
a little bit of space for somebody while they unload
a touch man, that's cakewalk. And if I'm already been
working on me and I'm already in a good, good, big,
strong place, think how much more I can do for that?
(29:23):
Think how many more people can come to me with
things like that where it gets around or better yet,
think of the people who take some of the light
that I'm shining, some of the flame that I'm trying
to burn, and they take it and give it to
somebody else. How great is that? Dividends legacy And we
(29:44):
have to start at home to make sure that we
can send it out. I love the time we get
to spend together. Thank you so much for being with
us here at Radical Joy. If this is your first episode, welcome,
I am so glad you're here. Thank you for taking
the time out of an incredibly bigsy schedule. I know
(30:04):
we've all got them. Thank you for being here with
us and for devoting a little time to coming together
in such a fashion. If this is not your first episode,
welcome back. Thank you so much for thinking enough of
what we're trying to do here at Radical Joy with
Cola Studios to listen with us as often as you can.
We appreciate you coming back to visit. If you're the
(30:25):
kind of person who loves to leave a review, please
do so. Leave us five stars on whatever platform where
you're listening, take a screenshot send it to us. That
way we can send you a little swag. Season three
here at Radical Joy has a great new look, and
I would love to send you a sticker. You can
put it on a water bottle, a journal, a laptop,
a bumper, wherever you like to stick a sticker, and
(30:45):
that way you can shine that light for anybody else
who's looking and tell them what you get out of
listening to Radical Joy. As always, friends, thank you so
much for being with us. Please tell your friends. Our
very best advertising is word of mouth and faith from
friends that this is something that will be very helpful
in the lives of those that you find nearest and dearest.
Love y'all, thank you for taking time to share a
(31:12):
moment of joy and hope with me. We're so grateful
you're here. If this is your first time, take a
moment to check out our archive see if there's something
else in there that fires you up rekindles the joy
in you. Hey, spread the word. If you got something
out of being with us today, we welcome your thoughts
and suggestions. Now. I rarely run out of things to
talk about, but if there's something I haven't covered that's
on your mind or heart, I want to hear from you.
(31:34):
To learn more about me and CLW Studios, follow the
links in the show notes. Hey, don't forget. When you
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a screenshot. We'll send you some kick ass swag to
show our gratitude. I am not a therapist or a
medical professional. If you're experiencing a mental health emergency, please
call nine to eighty eight to reach the National Crisis Lifeline.
(31:55):
This content and other content produced by CLAU Studios and
affiliated partners is not therapy and nothing in this content
indicates a therapeutic relationship. Any opinions of guests on this
podcast are their own and do not represent the opinions
of James or CLA Studios. Please consult with your therapist
or see what in your area if you're experiencing mental
health symptoms. Everything in this podcast is for educational and
(32:17):
entertainment purposes. Only have a great one and we will
see you next week for another dose of radical joy. Love. Y'all,
Hello, friends, So happy to have you here with me
today at Radical Joy. If you've been here before, hey,
welcome back. If this is your first time with me,
well I'm glad you're here. Each week, i'm here with
you talking to myself about things that weigh on my
mind and heart, hoping if you're dealing with something similar,
we can adjust our perspectives as you listen. Hey, if
(00:30):
you're struggling with something that needs immediate attention, please know
that help is available, just as on nine eight eight
nationwide in the US to reach the Mental Health and
Suicide Crisis Hotline. All of us here at CLAU Studios
believe that mental health is a vital part of our
well being. The more people I meet and the more
(00:50):
places I go, the more I realize how important it
is to make people aware of the fact that there
is no shame in enjoying the parts of our lives
that are intimal. It's time for some radical joy, and
this week, the three fingers pointing back at me are
for being good to the world by being good to yourself.
(01:13):
This idea came up not too long ago because I
have realized a habit that I have I won't say
it's a bad habit. I will say that it is
not the most effective habit at me getting all of
my work and to do's done. I am often consumed
(01:34):
with the needs of the friends in my inner circle.
They're amazing people, and they do have certain needs that
they reach out to me to talk about, and I
love that. I prioritize that very highly in my life,
and I think it is thoroughly enjoyable whenever we can
talk enough through it that they get to a point
where I don't want to necessarily call it a breakthrough,
(01:57):
but I would like to say that perhaps the next
stepths become clearer and a plan of action starts to form.
What I have realized in doing such a thing is
that I will often put aside the things that I
need to get done because it is so much easier
(02:19):
for me to help others with things that they would
like to talk about than it is to dig through
my own muck to try to figure out what I
need to do for the next steps in my plan
of action. And instead of approaching that with a critical
eye or a I don't know, a sort of a
(02:41):
connotation that it isn't fruitful because it is, there's still
much to be said. There's still value in that situation.
Helping a friend is always a wonderful thing, and keeping
yourself on track is still just ever so slightly more important. Okay,
and I'm gonna tell you why I'm feeling this today.
(03:05):
We've talked about before that it's really hard to pour
from an empty vessel, right, that we have to take
that moment to make sure that we do things for
ourselves that continue to replenish the supply. Well, this is
just another take on that idea. It's the fact that
whenever I handle my own business, I feel less frantic,
(03:27):
I feel more grounded and solid because I know that
I've done the work on me so that I feel
more like a competent influence on people who may ask
for my help. And I take it really seriously. I
want to be really good at listening and leaving space
(03:49):
for people whenever they come to talk to me about
something that weighs heavily on their mind or their heart.
Another thing that I've found over the years is that
off bring counsel immediately is probably not the wisest course
of action right at the gate. The best thing I
(04:10):
found to do in the years that this has been
going on is to listen. It's just listening. I can't
help feeling that anyone who comes to me to mull
over an issue a sort of a burden collaboration, if
you will, if I leave them a chance to sort
of talk it out to someone not necessarily sounding board,
(04:34):
because I feel as though when you say something to
a sounding board, you're expecting a reply, a give and take,
a call and response that isn't necessarily what is the
most helpful in situations like this, what I would pause
it is to perhaps sit there in their presence and
(04:56):
let them continue to talk about whatever is on their
mind until they reach a point where they almost run
out of steam. Give them a place where they're safe
and they are heard. I think that most folks, whenever
they come to someone they trust with a problem, they've
already got it mostly figured out. I'd give it a
(05:19):
high eighties percentile that it's already figured What they need
is that last little bit. And it's not that they
necessarily need advice or someone to talk to them about it.
They need someone to listen to them sort of reason
out the last little details of whatever it is that
they're doing in order to make it to the other
(05:43):
side of whatever this issue is that's bothering them, that
is in itself something that we can use to sort
of fill that cup. If we listen to the progress
that our friends and our loved ones make when they
come to us with an issue. I think a lot
(06:03):
of times if we're more keen on listening and understanding
why this is a problem for them, I think many
times it will help us in things in our own
lives that need just a little bit of untangling. I
think that if we continue to look at this as
a learning experience instead of a moment to attempt to teach,
(06:26):
where we dissect it, look for the things that seem
to be the stumbling blocks and point those out with
either the yardstick or the laser pointer, and instead use
it as a learning moment for us that these people
who are clearly very much like us in certain ways,
that's why we're friends. That's why we're important to one another.
(06:47):
There's something in each other that speaks or resonates with
the other, and so when they have a problem, the
chances are are you've either dealt with something, are dealing
with something, or will deal with something very similar in
a very close a very what's we're looking for in
(07:12):
a just down the line if you haven't already or
if you aren't currently, And whenever we give it that
room and that honor and that role, I think it's
a lot more helpful for both of us. A lot
of my friends are close to my own age, so
I think they've gone through a lot life experience has
(07:33):
definitely given them a lot of wisdom. And whenever they
come to me with something like that, it's not that
they need the help, they just need the rest. Hey,
could you hold this for me for a minute while
I look at it from a different angle. Yeah, I
don't know if you know this or not. I do crossit.
I can hope that for you for a minute. And
(07:57):
then they can and they've got a little spain, they've
got a breather, They've got a minute where it isn't
just so close to them that they can get a
better angle on it to perhaps figure out where they
go next with this situation that may be a serious
impediment to their joy, to their success, to the next
steps on their journey toward being a bigger, better, kind,
(08:19):
or stronger person. And the fact that they've come to
you to help them is a huge compliment. So what
I'm saying in this situation is, while you're holding it,
take a look at it yourself. They've asked you to look.
It's not intrusive, You're not invading anyone's privacy or or
prying somewhere you're not welcome. They've invited you to be
(08:43):
a part of this, and I think there is value
in looking at that as a learning moment for yourself
and not just a way to perhaps put your own
problems aside while helping them with theirs. Something tells me,
in my attack a box of problems that I've got
something that is probably very similar to what this person
(09:05):
has come to me asking about. So instead of waiting
for my turn to talk, what I'd love to do
is be more focused on what it is they're doing,
leave my mind open to kind of wander to see
what in my life would be similar. So if they
come up with some new tactics, I can employ those
in my own life to do better by me, and
(09:27):
then that way, whenever I get better and heal that
problem or that wound in me that you know, may
be something as small as a paper cut or as
big as a compound fracture. I'm on the road to
wellness because I stopped to help them, And instead of
this being a one way street where I continue to
(09:47):
pour and poor and poor, now we've got a two
way situation. We've got incoming and outgoing, and life has
suddenly become a lot more balanced. And I am no
longer ignoring my own needs because someone requests assistance for
something that I can both help and be helped by
being a participant. Am I making any kind of good
(10:12):
sense with that? Does that feel like something that would
be useful? I've mull this over a lot, because I do.
I mean, I really get a charge out of trying
to help folks, especially when they come to me to
ask for it. And I'm getting into an era of
life where a lot of my friends just need me
to listen. And there are certain phrases and certain ideas
(10:35):
that I hold real close to my heart that I
often distribute willy nilly to anybody who's around and listening
and wanting. Number One, it is not my job to
judge my job, my position. What I see is my
role in this relationship and or dynamic is to love
(10:57):
and to support. I think a lot of my friends
are very interesting and intelligent people, and I think whenever
they come to me with something on their mind, it's
not a problem as much as it is just a
snag in the material of their lives, in the fabric
of their being, and they're like, hey, while I work
(11:19):
on this, I'm going to need someone to hold the
frame while I get these threads untangled. While I work
on this certain bit of embroidery. If you could just
either hold the needle or or hold the frame while
I'm working on it, that'd be a big help. Not
asking you to help in the construction or the actual
(11:42):
weaving or sewing or stitching itself, I'm asking you to
be a utility. And I can do that. Yes I can,
because that takes so little of my own emotional or
intellectual effort or power. It still asked me to be
a heart. It stills me to be very much a
participant in the situation. It's just not the main event.
(12:07):
It's more like support staff and man, you can do
that with your eyes closed, in both hands tied behind
your back. You'll hold it in your teeth right. It's easy,
and there's something to be gained from it because you
can watch the intricacy of the way that they reweave
the fabric of their own lives while you get to
(12:29):
be a part and an audience member, right, and chances
are real good it's an audience of one. How special
is that? How unique an experience to share with this
individual whom you hold in such high regard. Right. It
(12:49):
feels good to be able to do something for your people,
your tribe, your circle. And if you use it as
only a helping opportunity and not a to way street,
sometimes it starts to drain. And sometimes you make excuses, well,
I didn't get my own things done today because so
and so needed me, because I was vital to this situation.
(13:15):
And don't get it twisted. You absolutely are. Don't overplay
your hand. And when I say yours, I'm talking about me.
Boy Am I talking to me right here? Okay? When
people ask you for help, please don't overinflate your role
in this, because these people have it well in hand.
They're just asking for a little bit of help with
the heavy lifting while they get that sucker on the
(13:38):
shelf and out of their main scope of focus. And
I think that's important to realize. It's not downplaying your role.
It's just making sure that you don't zoom in so
closely that you don't give your own business the time
and the space it needs and the effort to continue growing.
(14:02):
I've got a lot of good friends here that are
going through things. I think everybody's going through something, and
if you are, I hope you've got a good friend
or two around you that will listen to and watch
and help. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff,
you know, a good big life changes. I've got a
lot of things going on in health and fitness and this,
that and the other thing. And I've got some friends
(14:23):
who are very much there to be a good example
as well as someone who will be willing to listen
because they've been in my place as a beginner or
a newbie before. Maybe not a beginner, but definitely somebody
who lets something, let a skill rust a little bit,
and they you know, getting back into it was a
little bit more difficult or intricate than they'd expected. I
(14:47):
had to put a hand on the shoulder of a
friend of mine because he jumped right in with the
help and the love and the advice and then this
and then that and the other I said, Okay, thank
you first and foremost always thank you for being here
for me, because I think that your counsel is incredibly
wise and it comes from a place of experience and
knowledge and capability. And the thing that I need right
(15:11):
now is for you just to listen to what I'm saying,
because I'm pretty sure I already know what needs to
be done. What I need to do is sort of
sort through the BS to get to the crux of it.
And once I get there, the BS kind of finds
its own place among the shelves and the boxes and
the storage, and I can get to work on making
(15:32):
this colm to be few startled silence, a couple of
surprising blinks, and then a nod with no more verbal
reply until I was finished. I think that's another thing
that we need to be really mindful of got to perform.
(15:54):
I got to record a podcast episode with another good
friend of mine the other day, and he was talking
about clear communication among your friend the group, when your
friends come to you with a problem, or you go
to your friends with a problem before we start to
really unpack things, if these people know your mo know
(16:15):
what you're about, have a good idea that you are
not asking abrupt questions, to be brusque or to be confrontational.
You're asking to make sure that before we start the unpacking,
which I'm excited to do, I want to know what
our goal is in this situation. What is it you're
looking for from me? Once we get done laying all
(16:38):
this out on the table. And I think sometimes that
will catch a lot of people off guard. It's not
me trying to cut anyone off. It's not us trying
to rush through any kind of situation. What it is
trying to do is making sure that I don't offer
the inappropriate response to this very important issue that you've
(17:00):
brought to our forum before you get a chance to
actually say your peace on it. This is the same
friend I went to him a while back and I said,
here's the thing. I said, all I need you to do,
literally the only thing I need you to do whenever
I get finished writing all this out, because we were
on Messenger app, I said, is I need you to
(17:21):
say Wow, that sucks. That's it. I said, I'm going
to go through all of this stuff. I need to
lay it down. I need someone to carry it or
at least look at it after I've put it down,
And I think it's going to be a lot easier
if I can just get someone to say, yeah, that's
a big old bag of stinker right there. I had
tried it with a couple of other friends, and for
(17:43):
whatever reason, they just didn't necessarily register the need and
they started launching in and interrupting and you know, oh,
well we need to oh you shouldn't, or and God
love them, I'm so grateful. It's so good to have
people like that who are so eager to help me
with a problem. I think I have so that they
jump right in both feet and all the utensils in
(18:06):
the kitchen to get whatever's going on handled. I love that.
And as we get to certain levels, there are differing
categories of emergency. Right Certain things don't need a whole
lot of attention. I'm almost there. What I need is
(18:28):
somebody to just kind of like give me an arm
around a shoulder and let me sort of talk through
it with them as audience and me as the main
sort of character in the story teller. And audience you're
just sort of like, maybe I don't know, maybe you're
the box office manager and just kind of like be
(18:50):
here for it, know, it be in the knowing with me,
and then I can figure out what's left of it.
It may not take long at all, probably like seven
to ten minutes minutes if you got seven to ten
minutes to spare so that I can share this with
you and I can start to sort of see past
the rablash into the real heart of the matter and
figure it out. Yeah, yeah, I got that. I got
(19:14):
seven to ten minutes for that. And I think what
the best part of that is when we offer that
silence and that quiet and that focused presence not just
being there but clinging literally hanging on every word to
try to get as much of it as we possibly can.
(19:36):
I think that's a big help to both of us
in that situation. The things that people take to heart
and things that really shake them to their core always
fascinates and surprises the hell out of me. It. Honestly,
I could not be more surprised if it came up
(19:56):
and thumped me on the end of the nose. Wear
to goodness, it boggles my mind. Some of the things
that some of my incredible, talented, intelligent, charismatic, beautiful, whise
funy friends bring to me to talk about. I would
(20:17):
have never guessed they'd give it a second thought. And
this kind of thing weighs heavily, heavily enough that they
have to overcome their own insecurity, And honestly, it is
a huge, like anxiety ridden, trembling fear for some of them.
I know it is for me sometimes, whenever I take
(20:37):
these kind of things to talk about with people, it
takes a minute to get the ice water out of
a pit of my stomach, just to bring this to
someone who I know loves me, who I know keeps
a safe place for me twenty four to seven if
ever I should need it, And to hear the things
that keep them up at night, that wake them from
(20:57):
a sound sleep, that have their cuticles shredded because the
stress of the ponder just keeps one corner of one
fingernail in their mouth at all times, just gnawing at it,
because whatever this is is gnawing at the edge of
their psyche. You'd never guess until they said it. And
(21:21):
it's funny too, because people are like, oh, yeah, that's
a beautiful woman, she's got ABC in security, or oh yeah,
that guy's built like a brick house. Of course, he
deals with X, Y and Z generalization and we got
to be super mindful of that. And generalizations and stereotypes
exist for a reason, and both of those deserve the
(21:44):
respect I'm going to give them. Right now, do we
assume no? Is it a good starting point while we
work through this? Sure, until we're proven otherwise, Why not?
At least we can start from a place where we
hope this is the thing, or guess this is the thing.
Nobody likes to start from ground zero square one is
(22:06):
kind of a sucky place to start. It's a great
place to start, but starting from zero knowledge can be
a little bit nerve racking. Right, Starting with a clean
slate is amazing if you can do that. What I
like to think is that my slate already has just
a little bit of writing on it, and as they
(22:29):
fill in the rest of it, if I need more space,
I can just take the heel of my palm and
rub out what I got wrong and fill it with
what they are replacing it with. That is correct information.
Is it a few more steps? Is a little more work,
a little more hassle? Yeah it is, But for me,
it gives me a more comfortable place to start. And
(22:53):
as long as I am diligent with the erasure and
filling in the new information that is more accurate and
closer to what my friend is dealing with. That's what
helps me be a better friend. And it shows that
maybe I don't know as much as I think I
do about every little thing, which will then inform the
(23:15):
rest of my decisions from then on out. Not taking
any less certainty from my decisions. What it is is
making me ask more questions, more specific questions, more pointed questions,
being more curious instead of judgmental about the things that
I'm dealing with, instead of jumping to slap a sticker
on it and then jumping to employ a packet of
(23:40):
skills that I have acquired over the years that are
probably going to be the equivalent of a Hello Kiddy
bandage right whenever, What I really need is to clean
the wound, check for any infectious or infected tissue. You know,
if we really want to dig in the dirt, we're
going to put some some larvae in that and get
you some maggots, eat out all the dead skin. Yeah,
(24:02):
we're just gonna go for pro Why not make them
real here, visceral, Let's get visceral with it. Once some
little babies has done with all of their business, and
all you have left is that pink, healthy skin and
all of that rot and fester is gone. Then we're
gonna apply that anti bacteria. We're gonna put the bactine
on it. We're gonna throw some hydrogen peroxide up in
(24:25):
that hooker, and then we're gonna slather at niasporn that's
of Tryson, And then we're gonna put a gauze on it,
and we're gonna wrap it. And how do we know
how to do all of these things because we continue
to investigate, We continue to look at what we've been given,
assess the damage, assess the depth of the damage and
(24:48):
the severity of it. And then we're gonna talk to
people who have dealt with damage like this before, who
perhaps know a couple of special trade secrets, a couple
of home remedies, a couple of things you never thought
to try, but make all the sense once someone's smarter, older,
more experience has shared that wisdom with us, and we
(25:12):
apply it not just to the hurt that our friends
may be going through, but also to the hurt that
may be going in going on in our own lives.
Because the better care we take care of ourselves, and
the more wisdom we glean and learn and grow in
from others, the more we know how to help the
(25:36):
rest of the world. And that's what we're here to do.
Make connections. Help where you can, when asked to, gently
and lovingly, go to others into being more of the
good you see in them, being a great example to
(26:00):
the people around you who you think might be looking
to your life for some sort of help or instruction
or light. I don't think that is conceded. I don't
think it's self centered or arrogant. What I think it
is is humbling in one of the largest ways, because
the suspicion of that phenomenon does not make me an
(26:24):
arrogant or conceited person. What makes me an arrogant or
conceited person is to puff up and swagger and put
on airs or an act that isn't the true, real,
authentic sincere James Bullard light that people may or may
not be looking to find in their own lives. How
(26:46):
it is humbling is knowing that I'm doing something right
that I have always wanted to do, and whenever I
get that feeling, what I want to do is dig
deeper into that and sort of find the warmest center
(27:08):
of that light that I can and just do the
best that I can to continue feeding that flame, not
just for them, but for me, Because if it has
grown bright enough and warm enough for somebody else to
want to crowd in closer to get some of that
heat or light, the best thing that I can do
(27:29):
for myself and for them is to work on making
that an even brighter, warmer light, and doing that is
the biggest help I can give myself working to make
that light brighter for myself. All I'm doing there is
continuing to feed the soul and work on making that
(27:54):
heart stronger and bigger and able to do more for
more people, all the while remembering that I have to
continue to check back in with me to make sure
that what I need to get done is getting done,
and when it isn't, taking a moment shuffling some things around,
(28:14):
going to my trusted circle and talking with them about
what's going on, not for solutions, but for just a
minute that we can share where I am in the
middle of their light, or maybe we can shine hours
together for a minute to see what kind of fuel
they're using, or if they're using a different kind of wick,
(28:36):
any number of things. This metaphor. I love it. I
love using it. I think that there are so many
ways to look at it, and it all comes back
down to it's not a selfish act. Take care of yourself.
It is one of the best things you can do
if you want to be a help because the more
you work on yourself and the stronger you become, we become,
(29:01):
the better the whole thing gets. Because help for others,
especially if it's nothing more than listening or just holding
a little bit of space for somebody while they unload
a touch man, that's cakewalk. And if I'm already been
working on me and I'm already in a good, good, big,
strong place, think how much more I can do for that?
(29:23):
Think how many more people can come to me with
things like that where it gets around or better yet,
think of the people who take some of the light
that I'm shining, some of the flame that I'm trying
to burn, and they take it and give it to
somebody else. How great is that? Dividends legacy And we
(29:44):
have to start at home to make sure that we
can send it out. I love the time we get
to spend together. Thank you so much for being with
us here at Radical Joy. If this is your first episode, welcome,
I am so glad you're here. Thank you for taking
the time out of an incredibly bigsy schedule. I know
(30:04):
we've all got them. Thank you for being here with
us and for devoting a little time to coming together
in such a fashion. If this is not your first episode,
welcome back. Thank you so much for thinking enough of
what we're trying to do here at Radical Joy with
Cola Studios to listen with us as often as you can.
We appreciate you coming back to visit. If you're the
(30:25):
kind of person who loves to leave a review, please
do so. Leave us five stars on whatever platform where
you're listening, take a screenshot send it to us. That
way we can send you a little swag. Season three
here at Radical Joy has a great new look, and
I would love to send you a sticker. You can
put it on a water bottle, a journal, a laptop,
a bumper, wherever you like to stick a sticker, and
(30:45):
that way you can shine that light for anybody else
who's looking and tell them what you get out of
listening to Radical Joy. As always, friends, thank you so
much for being with us. Please tell your friends. Our
very best advertising is word of mouth and faith from
friends that this is something that will be very helpful
in the lives of those that you find nearest and dearest.
Love y'all, thank you for taking time to share a
(31:12):
moment of joy and hope with me. We're so grateful
you're here. If this is your first time, take a
moment to check out our archive see if there's something
else in there that fires you up rekindles the joy
in you. Hey, spread the word. If you got something
out of being with us today, we welcome your thoughts
and suggestions. Now. I rarely run out of things to
talk about, but if there's something I haven't covered that's
on your mind or heart, I want to hear from you.
(31:34):
To learn more about me and CLW Studios, follow the
links in the show notes. Hey, don't forget. When you
leave Radical Joy a review, be sure to send us
a screenshot. We'll send you some kick ass swag to
show our gratitude. I am not a therapist or a
medical professional. If you're experiencing a mental health emergency, please
call nine to eighty eight to reach the National Crisis Lifeline.
(31:55):
This content and other content produced by CLAU Studios and
affiliated partners is not therapy and nothing in this content
indicates a therapeutic relationship. Any opinions of guests on this
podcast are their own and do not represent the opinions
of James or CLA Studios. Please consult with your therapist
or see what in your area if you're experiencing mental
health symptoms. Everything in this podcast is for educational and
(32:17):
entertainment purposes. Only have a great one and we will
see you next week for another dose of radical joy. Love. Y'all,
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