October 27, 2023 • 60 mins
In this episode, we uncover the hidden red flags in relationships, shedding light on potential emotional abuse and manipulation. We also explore healthy communication strategies for nurturing respectful dynamics between partners.
Join us as we address intriguing questions, like whether being single for an extended period is a red flag and whether "good morning" texts are a cause for concern. We'll discuss dating preferences and the role of social media in relationships, along with the age-old question of whether it's acceptable for someone to like other people's photos while in a relationship. Don't miss this insightful conversation on the intricacies of modern relationships.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/real-talk--5980730/support.
Join us as we address intriguing questions, like whether being single for an extended period is a red flag and whether "good morning" texts are a cause for concern. We'll discuss dating preferences and the role of social media in relationships, along with the age-old question of whether it's acceptable for someone to like other people's photos while in a relationship. Don't miss this insightful conversation on the intricacies of modern relationships.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/real-talk--5980730/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello everyone, and welcome to theshow. We'll talk with Kathy and Shania
and this episode is brought to youby See One Productions. I'm your host,
Katy, and in today's episode,we're going to shed light on the
red flags that often go unnoticed inrelationships. And the title of the episode
(00:25):
is behind the Mask, So we'regoing to be diving into the world of
relationships and red flag and joining metoday we have my co host Shania.
You're good, Yeah, I'm good. Hello everyone, And also we have
(00:45):
a special guest, Mars. Howare you doing today? Hi? Am
great? How are you? I'mfine? Okay, welcome guys. Let's
kick things off. So I'm gonnaask like this is anyone can answer this,
like what are the some of themost common red flags that individuals often
(01:07):
like overlook in early stages of relationships. So like everyone can anyone can just
driving in answer, probably having nowork only depends on his parents. Are
you saying like the guy or areyou talking about the both parties? Yeah,
(01:33):
both parties think suld not need Yeah, true, No, I think
I don't think so, because likewhat if I'm just a university student I
meet the Let's say I meet thisguy. He is working. I'm not
(01:57):
working, but I mean school.Is that a red flagg getting him?
No, I'm not working back,I mean school. You just said that
happy love or something. But oh, serious relationship. Yeah, I prefer
not to date someone like that becauseanytime you might get pregnant or initially start
(02:23):
a family without any job. Yeah, So just to be on the same
side, I agree with you Must, Oh what if we're just therefore just
for fun, not like dating.You're not serious at first, but when
(02:44):
the time goes by, you thethings start getting serious, Like you're not
planning for it, but it justhappens. I guess it depends with the
type of relationship you're looking for.Like Must maybe stated that maybe if you
want something serious, love isn't everything. You have to look at the financial
(03:06):
status, family background, you know, when you I think, when you
want to get like deep into arelationship with someone you love, isn't everything.
So finances also matter in case youguys have children or masmi own.
(03:28):
But you know, like sometimes youcan you can hear like girls, especially
girls saying money is not everything inthe relationship. I know it's not everything,
but it needs to be there.Okay, that statement is weird because
I know most girls with data dependingon their financial status. So when you
(03:52):
say money is not everything, sowell, can you do that? Do
you? Like? Let's say,when you do, will you that will
be like a quality that a guymust have, right, money they just
should They should just be hard workingand work smart. Yeah, because yes
(04:13):
it's not necessarily earning so much likea huge amount of money, but at
least having work and not depending onyour charence. That's good enough. Okay.
Uh, Sometimes like people just ignorenot them like you can see it's
(04:36):
happening, but they just ignore.And this can can lead to like emotional
like you you have like emotional abuse, maybe the manipulation and everything when you
just watch everything happens but you're notdoing anything because it's just there for love,
Like you're doing everything you can tosee the relationship. But I think
(04:59):
sometimes you have to just if evenif it's hats the partner, your partner,
like you have to say it,you just don't do like you don't
just sit there and watch everything happening. And I won't say that love is
very very bad God to be theone who's trying to save and the one
who is trying. The other personis trying to sink the relationships. You
(05:20):
are just there e stressed. Everythingis just trying, but the other person
is not trying in something, thethings end up pretty bad and for us
red flag. I guess I'm ared flag there because yeah, so I'm
(05:43):
a red flag if it's happy loveor anything like like kind of friendship like
your best friends with your crush orsomething like that, and that's okay.
But when it comes to more seriousrelationship like like having sex, No,
(06:03):
no, before I do that,you must have a job and not depends
from your peers. No, Iagree with that because I don't raise my
kids in not a good environment whereI'm struggling raising them or something. I
want them to have everything, SoI agree with that. Mm yeah,
(06:29):
I also agree with like you youso we just help to agree with everything.
So I'm others are excellent points youget there. So now let's talk
about the red flags that might arisein a long time relationship. That the
(06:50):
only we were talking about the shotthe short term, like a listages of
the relationship, So like what someof the one in sings that a relationship
might be heading, what like canyou notice that your relationship is heading in
the wrong direction when you're doing thelong term? You're in a long term
(07:15):
relationships, So like some of theexamples, I guess when a couple has
a lot of misunderstandings and they don'tknow how to solve their issue, that
is a major red flag. Iguess, Yeah, communication, lack of
(07:39):
communication and taking your partner for grantedsince you're together for too long, you're
not exerting any efforts anymore, justin the first stages of your relationship.
So yeah, it's it's what elserelationship for me? Yeah, you said,
(08:05):
like lack of communication. You know, sometimes maybe you're angry at someone.
You expect them to know you're angryat them, but you're not communicating,
and when they ignore you, youget angry. Yeah, you know,
you just want them to notice,but you don't want to tell them
(08:26):
what's happening. You just want themto like, no, they're not Jesus
though, so thegain just know everythingthat's happening on the background. Having a
good communication might help some things andhaving a healthy relationship. And also I
think another one is lack of respect, not like sometimes like your partner might
(08:50):
consistently, like disrespect your boundaries likethis misses your opinion like you never have
you never you don't have to youdon't say anything. You don't have a
say in anything of the decision inthe house. This is like in the
life. And you know, likeeven when you have okay for me personally,
(09:11):
when I do something nice, Ilove someone to appreciate me, even
if they say, wow, youdid well, like you love appreciation.
And when they don't do that,I feel like now something is strong somewhere.
That's a red flag. Like ifI do something, you have to
tell me you did well, solike that could be a clear indication of
(09:33):
deeper like underlying issues in the relationship. So like respect is very important.
So I must have a question foryou, Like you're married, and how
do you like what they call itboundaries? How do you keep boundaries between
you and your partner? Like howdoes it work for us? We set
(09:58):
aside time for our own space,like if he wanted to go out and
ride his motorcycle alone and I willlet him be and I will not bug
him too? Can I go?Also? Can I go to? Can
I go with you? Like that? It's kind of ringing so I respect
(10:22):
his boundaries and he respects mine.Also, if I go outside with my
mom friends, so we have ourboth you know, our own need time
and the other one if the otherone is having a good time outside the
house, the other one will willbe there for the kids to support the
(10:43):
other one. So that's very important. That's amazing. Yeah, before we're
not like that, but as theyears ago, I just agreed on some
things. Yeah, what about givingopinions in the house like that? Do
(11:03):
you would like come to agree oncertain things just like Actually both of us
have a say in all of thedecisions that we make. I am very
dominant when it comes to expressing myopinion, and when he dismisses mine,
(11:24):
I really get angry. So it'slike my love language is words of affirmation.
So I want you to acknowledge whatI'm saying, understand my you know,
my opinion, and do not dismissme or just shrug me off or
brush me off. So since heknows me that I'm like that, if
(11:50):
we have like a certain decision thatwe need to make, he will ask
me and he will also tell mehis decision, and it's like we do.
Strength and weaknesses for that, forthat thing that we need to make
a decision on, and then whoeverwins, will you know, we will
(12:11):
follow that one. Whoever wins,whoever makes sense? Yeah, or about
in the situation Okay, this isabout like giving opinions. Uh, what
about in a situation where I'm nottalking about you? Like and shy can
answer this, Yeah, So whatabout in a situation where you don't have
(12:35):
you don't your partner don't allow you. He's the only one or she's the
only one who chooses where you're goingon a date. Let's say you want
to go somewhere and they say,no, that's not a nice place,
but for you, you want togo there, but they refuse to grant
you that, Like this is no, you're not You're not going there,
You're going we are going where Isaid, Like, they choose a place.
(12:58):
They don't give you that chance tochoose where you want to go.
So how can you take that?That would be weird and it would be
petty of him because it's just alocation. Plus, if he wants to
choose a place where you're going fora date and he's paying, if you're
(13:20):
just learning, he's going to justfollow plus, but if you don't want
to go there, I want togo some other place. I'm a person
who doesn't mind. Like maybe heknows the place better, like I don't
(13:41):
know the restaurant or I don't knowmost restaurants for dates or something like that,
and I bet he'll be cool,So I'd go with him, but
I would insist once in a whilethat we go to my favorite place,
yeah, to have some me.If he doesn't agree, then he can
go by himself. That's a fairyou know, per scenario. Yeah you
(14:09):
want to go there, I wantto go there. Okay, everyone that
you go to your own favorite tunefollow there in the house? Oh okay,
okay, I you know, Iyou know, we we we see
videos on social media and some storieswhere one partner was jealous, was possssive
(14:37):
over there, you know, spousedlike they don't want to see them with
anyone else or talking to anyone else, and if they do, it's going
to be a messy massy fight.So for me, that's a red flag
like jealous. Okay, it's youare allowed to be jealous, but not
that it says so like any whenI do something, when I meet people,
(15:05):
you don't have to control who amI meeting? If you okay,
he's about it's all about trust.So if I'm meeting someone, don't have
like to keep checking asking who areyou meeting? Why are you meeting who?
And who would be there? Likethat's a red flag. But what
do you think, guys? Yes, definitely, if he is constantly questioning
(15:31):
you, that is a red flagfor me. Or or sometimes he tries
to isolate you from from your friendsand family. Well, that's not like
at all. That is really nothealthy at all because as a person,
before you meet together, you aretwo different person right, so when you
(15:54):
are together, you can grow togetheras two different persons as well. So
if you have a relationship, itdoesn't mean that your growth will stop there.
You need to meet other people aswell, learn new skills, go
to new places with or without him. So if he's like that he cannot
(16:14):
control his jealousy, then probably hehas a trauma or something or he's not.
Yeah, maybe something happens. Yeah, they're not able to see that,
to over see the you know thisthing about yeah, and is this
about thing about deslating someone? Youknow you're the one who was in the
(16:40):
wrong, but you make them believethat the other one who like you make
them question like the SLF. I'veseen couples doing that many times. You
see like some one part that's inthe wrong, but the other one is
they're making sure that they're the one. There is question in there, the
(17:00):
like questioning themselves like did I dowrong? Where did they go wrong?
And they're the one with the mistakes. But that's a that's a very bad
thing to given friends to that.Mostly narcissists do that, I guess.
Yeah, the ones who lose makeyou feel like in the wrong. That's
what they don't want to be h. Yeah, they don't want to be
(17:23):
accountable for their mistakes. They justhave to give it to someone else to
carry their bad day. And it'svery bad. Yeah, it's actually all
about them. They are always right, never wrong. Yeah, so everyone
around them should adjust them because they'realways right. And when you confront them,
(17:48):
when you confront them, it's ait's it's a fighter. It's going
to be a very bad face becausethey say no, and that gamulation is
draining it one past very long.But yeah, and I think that will
affect you emotionally, that will that'slike an emotional abuse. They just manipulate
(18:10):
you, making you think that you'rethe role. You are in the wrong.
Al lowis you're never in the rectand they are right for the time.
And you can never like confront themand tell them you did this because
they will take it back to youand you they will ensure that you see
it. You're the one using theroom. But I mean, I don't
think like someone can and ipilate me, can gaslate me, that I will
(18:34):
gas late you back with course haveyou experienced that before, Yeah, but
it was not from uh, froma boyfriend, but my friend she was
she was always doing things on herin her own way. And when she
(18:55):
does she let's say she meets,she makes a mistake, she just come
back to me making me like shejust does things. I was so so
my mind was my mind was sobad, Like I was emotional. I
would cry when she says something becauseshe makes me believe I did I did
(19:18):
it, and I did it,and I could not defend myself. And
then with me, I don't Idon't know how to argue with people.
I just keep quiet. So likethat's why they like their strength from me
when they talk a lot. Sowhen I don't talk like they think that
just you know, she can't defendyourself. She just keep quiet and stuff.
(19:38):
But I don't like arguing that that'snot I think. So when someone
just says somethings, I just keepquiet, Like you just leave them to
question their own mind, like whatthey did wrong? And guilt is very
bad. And you leave someone questioningthemselves with full of guilt and something will
(20:00):
m hm. We just you justleave them, uh you know in themselves
they're saying like what did they dowrong? Yeah, just gave them just
keep quiet. Yeah, in allthe relationships I get into, consider even
to be a red flag with afriendships or everything flag green. Yeah,
(20:26):
that's how I survive normally paranoid,and I think being paranoid has saved me
from a lot of crap. So, yeah, that's fraid. That's flag
is red. So make it greenbecause I don't know you, so you
know, so you're meant to say, like we have to make they have
(20:47):
to make an effort for the flagto be green. No, as you
as you know, in the processof knowing someone, you're going to know
their behavior, their habits. Yeah, when you're meeting someone for the first
time. You don't know them,you don't know how they're like. So
that for me is just a redflag because I don't know you, and
(21:08):
I can't trust you because I don'tknow you. But we get to know
each other, then the flag isgetting greener. So yeah, you're a
green flag, green flag, butif not, you're a red flag.
(21:33):
And it's weird. Yeah, itis because I imagine how much effort they
have to put. What if youdon't want that, just be read No,
you just be like I like peoplejust being themselves, so you don't
have to hide anything, so Ican know if this relationship is going to
(21:57):
work and are not. Normally whenI speak of relationships, I just generalize
everything like friendships and everything. Soyeah, but you know you have to
try and show you this is workingin direct direction and everything you're doing is
healthy. We have boundaries, Werespect each other, you know, everything
(22:21):
like and also like someone has likeyou can't let's say, you can't love
someone when you don't love yourself.That's like you can't do it. You
cannot work from an empty cop,Yeah you can't. So when you expect
someone to do something for you,can you like just question yourself. Can
(22:42):
you do it for them? Youexpect someone to love you, but you
don't love you. You don't evenlove yourself. How can that happen?
And when they when they just showyou the other side of them, you
get angry. But you just haveto work. You just have to work
on your self before engaging in anew relationship. Yeah, that's my thought.
(23:07):
So I'm going to go on ourfirst scenario, Jenny, will you
Yeah, okay, I'm going toread scenario Okay. From the very first
date, James seemed perfect. Hewas carrying and attentive to Lily's needs.
(23:29):
However, the relationship depended, Lilybegan to notice signs that hinted at something
darker, lacking beneath james nature.It started little things like James frequently checking
Lily's phone okay, all becoming posesswhen she sent time when she spend time
with her friends. He would dismissit as concern for her safety, but
(23:53):
Lily couldn't shake the feeling of thingsmothered as man tent by James. B
behavior took a more troubling turn.He would often make a full remarks about
Lily's appearance, criticizing her choice offloats and make up. His words,
coded with false concern, slowly chippedaway Lily's confidence. However, as time
(24:17):
went on, his controlling behavior increased. He would insist on knowing how about
at all times and growing and grewincreasingly hostile, and she voiced her desire
for personal space. It was.It wasn't until Lily's confided in a close
friend that she realized the gravity ofher situation. With her friend's support,
(24:40):
she mastered the carriage to comfort,to confront James, and ended the toxic
relationship. So that's the story.Okay, So for me, like one
of the red flags in James,Uh, he what do you call it?
(25:03):
He just have that like controlling behavior. He doesn't want his girlfriend like
to hang out with friends, doesn'twant her to do like anything. He
just just question everything she does.And that's that means like she doesn't trust
her and a relationship without a trustNo, no, I don't ask you.
(25:27):
It's wrong. She's so ready,but she not them. Maybe it's
orange, it's not trade like shewas. What if the problem is identifying
carlous. Maybe she's thinking this personwill soon change. Maybe maybe she's hope.
(25:52):
Yeah, that's the problem people have, like are you waiting for the
flag? Like you've already noticed someweird behaviors about a person, like had
advice you leave that relationship before itbecomes hard to get out of that relationship
because it's like waiting it slightly.For example, I said, I'm going
(26:15):
to slap you. I've not slappedyou, but I'm going to. But
they're waiting for the slap her eyes, I don't know. It's just waiting
for me to slap you so thatyou can live like you everything I just
told you, I just want you. Really saw all the signs that she
(26:37):
decided to ignore. So guess whois heart really is? Because she ignored
every day for me, I can'tif I see something staying wrong, and
when I confront you about it andyou don't you deny it, I just
leave you and your relationship alone.Just move to this. So do you
think she made the right decision byeven him? Yes? Absolutely, she
(27:03):
will become crazy if she don't.But she waited for all those things to
happen so that she has a reason. Okay, go ahead, Yeah,
Really is confidence became? You know, confidence lost? She lost her confidence
(27:26):
already and she cannot for me,I will feel bad when someone let's say
my friend, I lose a friendin this case, let's say my friend
just when I wear something I looknice in that let in that stress,
and she just come and tell meyou look very bad. I would feel
(27:49):
very hat Just imagine that coming fromyour part. I remember my friend once
told me that there's nothing more dangerouslike a woman who is confident. Like
when you're confident about yourself people,yeah, I won't yeah, no matter
(28:11):
what anyone says. Yeah, likepeople's opinions doesn't matter to you, right,
Yeah, I mean there's nothing powerfullike a confident woman. That was
a statement. And I believe youshould work on yourself first because if you're
normally the person who people you canpeople can normally get into your head and
(28:34):
bring you down. Then Yeah,I don't think it's good to get into
relationship. It happens a lot.Yeah, it happens a lot, especially
when we just we see videos everyday on social media and when you go
through the commentation it's health. Youcan even hang yourself when you read something
(28:59):
because you're trying to be confidence.You love yourself and everything, but someone
there is trying they stay a joblike they're really trying to bring you down.
And when you let that kids intoyour head, it's going to mess
you up. There's something I know. What's your opinion? Hm, I'm
(29:22):
sorry she for me the controlling behaviorof dreams while I'm dressing up, like
what Kat said earlier, and shewill criticize my books and I will just
(29:42):
say, if I'm not beautiful,then go ahead, find another woman who
is beautiful. Leave me alone.I don't know, but sometimes I think
it's not easy to leave. WhyI need to tell you. You know,
as much as much as you wantto live, some don't. Like
(30:07):
they just they're just being hopeful,like one day it will change, giving
someone a chance. Me, I'mnot giving anyone a chance to change.
You have to change before you cameinto my life. So now we're no
chances of like I'm going to change, or I'm just sitting there hoping.
What if that they never come?Just be there like for fifty years,
(30:30):
forty years waiting for someone to change, and you're growing old. No,
I love myself that much. Ican't. So if someone actually involves you,
they are willing to change themselves andyou don't have to force that to
them, they will be it andthey will have initiatives because they want to
(30:55):
please you and they want to makeit happy. Mhm. But let's let's
let me like, look from Jamesperspective, what if he was trying to
care he was caring for Lily byasking her awareabouts like maybe, what do
(31:18):
you think like when your person tellsyou, like, share your location if
anything happens, I'll be there tosee if you What do you think about
that? Well, Lily is nota child, so if she was in
danger, I'm sure she would haveshared her location, So okay like that
(31:41):
m but uh plam, what doyou call it? You? One said,
like, are we did an episodeabout the uber driver? Do you
remember? So instead like you shareyour location? Can you share it with
your part? Now? Oh,I share my location with everyone, especial
(32:07):
tonight just in case. And whatif they're just following card from Is it
not like constantly asking someone where areyou? What are you doing? I
can't be annoying, I guess,so yeah, for me, I actually
don't like someone now, I don'task I don't like when someone asked me
(32:32):
where where you're coming from? Thatquestion? And you all know, like
where I'm coming from and you're stillasking. I just get pstop and someone
that's that where you coming from?Where you going? And you're you really
you know where I'm going, butyou're still asking. I don't like it.
(32:52):
They hit it very much. HIt's different. And if you're over
they married, you're required to dothat. Okay. I don't think I'll
put my I don't think i'll putmy partner in a situation where they would
be questioning my whereabout? Yeah?Like about such situations. Oh, I
(33:19):
guess then it depends like Marses becausenow when I look at it, when
I'm married, I will be askingwhere to go. I just want to
know maybe before for safety, likejust for for me to be still,
because sometimes you just have to knowwhere the person is when you love them.
(33:39):
I guess, yeah, that's true. It's more on the safety aspect,
not just the get your control ofthe other person. But it's different
when it comes to men and women. I've seen like scenarios where a man
is just by the wife or ofand where he's coming from, and he
(34:01):
gets angry because just I ask themlike where are you coming from? At
this time? They just get angryIn the start. You know, we
get very hostile because they are askedwhere they were coming from. Instead of
like answering I'm coming from just this, we just get angry. So I
(34:24):
don't know. I don't know ifsomeone is supposed to get angry, or
maybe that person is bored. Weshould also have something going on in his
life. Oh maybe you're alone intheir relationship and they didn't tell you.
(34:46):
We're having some fun time with someoneelse. But they just come anytime they
want in the house, every time, anytime they feel like two and it's
not good. And when you confrontthem, they just get angry, super
angry. So yeah, So,like I what do you think are some
(35:10):
of the healthy communications strategies that canhelp first as supportive and respectful relationship For
me, I would say like activelistening, Like when my partner pays our
(35:31):
close attention to everybody, say tobody language, you know, and they
understand, like I ensure that theyunderstand what I say. And you know,
we just like someone who's listening towithout judging you or you know,
(35:52):
they're just they're listening perfectly. Likethat would be a healthy communication strategy for
me. What do you think,guys? What about yours offer me paying
attention to what I'm saying, Ijust like you, and also shutting their
mouth when it's to speak. No, they're not off. Made sentence and
(36:17):
wait for me to finish my point. And then after that you can ask
questions, you can say, youcan have violent reactions, but do not
cut me off. If I'm donespeaking, then you can speak all you
want. But sometimes I think whenyou're talking, Let's say you're talking to
the person, it cuts you offand they put what's in your mouth like
(36:40):
they don't want to hear what you'resaying. They just want they just want
to hear what They just want toput whatever you're saying that whatever information you're
giving them, they just put it, put it in their own way and
understand their own way. Yeah,you won't care anywhere with that kind of
(37:00):
person, Like he's not letting youfinish your sentence. How would you know,
Like if he has questions, howwould he know if the next thing
that you will say would answer hisquestion right? Because he didn't. He
didn't let you finish your sentence right, So you won't go anywhere with that
person because he likes to knitpick everythingand put words in your mouth, like
(37:25):
that's not your intention, but heheard it incomplete, so that's why he's
accusing you now, So it's alllike a cycle. Yeah. And also
like quinda respectful. I love whensomeone respects me, but I think respects
comes in both ways. Do youagree with that statement? Yeah? I
(37:52):
agree. Yeah, lot someone respectseach other. Yeah, but when one
person is not respectful, don't.I don't think I would be respectful either
that when they're not respectful, you'regoing to be disrespectful. What did I
(38:20):
mean? Okay, Yeah, I'msaying, let's say you you do you
Let's say you disrespect me in frontof my friends for let's say one time,
the second time you do it,the third time you do it.
No, I'm not saying for thefault if you respect me in front of
(38:43):
people, or we're going to havelike a big conversation, like you're not
going to do that again because ifthe second time you do it, I'm
not going any everything. Okay.Actually I was listening to a certain story.
Uh, there was this couple.They are married, and they went
(39:04):
for a honeymoon for like a weekor two weeks, and they came back
and the husband had friends so theyhave like a group chat, so they
call each other. They just expressedtalk and something. So they were explaining
to them, like the honeymoon wasgood and stuff. So the wife left
(39:25):
the call, but not like livingcompletely. She just left the call,
but she was she was in thecall, but she was not talking.
So she over heard her husband saying. The girls in the group chat were
asking the husband how was your honeymoon? How was everything? The husband was
(39:45):
saying, it was okay, ButI don't like her. You know,
she's just keeping quiet with that allthat information. We went for a harmon
and married her, but I don'tThe husband is telling the friends that I
don't like her. I don't likeher and the way she dresses. I
don't like the way she dresses.I don't like everything anything about her.
(40:08):
And the wife was had everything.The husband said, So what would be
a reaction if you were the wife? Yeah, that was my question.
When marry her? Like waste ofthe time, go for the honeymoon and
come tell you girlfriends. I justcaught the girlfriends tell them that. Imagine
(40:34):
that was like shaming her in frontof the friends, disrespecting her and mind
her. Mind him like he didn'tknow, like the wife was listening to
the cold. The wife listened toeverything and her she she hung up the
call, and she went to herfriend and explained everything. And I was
like, whoa, if it wasme, if I was her speaking that
(40:59):
call, be like, so thisis what you think of me. Let's
just get a divorce so you can'tstay with your girl. That was me
too. It's from real quick.Yeah, So the wave was asked why
why? What was the reason why? Like she's not telling the husband and
(41:19):
she's saying, no, I don'twant I don't want to confront him because
he will get angry. Just imagineshe was saying that she's afraid that the
husband will feel will be angry ather, like divorcing him or something.
No, like the story Actually it'strending. It is currently going. I
(41:42):
don't know if she will divorce her, hit him or whatever. I don't
know. But the husband did this, he was wrong, Like how we
hearing the conversation was assigned from God? Yeah, imagine no, no,
and you're living in the same houseand she is probably telling his friends.
(42:04):
You know, I don't like her, I don't like the way she dresses.
I don't like her body type.I would love a slim girl.
Hey, everything was so many stuff, and she's listening to everything. The
husband is saying, I don't knowif I went if I was her,
if I went back home, Idon't think I would look him in the
eye like I would. This wouldisolate my I would isolate myself completely because
(42:30):
Hey, that's like that. Thisthat level of disrespect is very very bad.
I can't believe there so a womanlike that in this time, you
know, in this time that wehave, there's no ego anything, you
know. It also depends on this. Yeah, I'm afraid to live because
(42:54):
he's maybe their housewives, he's themain provide her. They have to yea,
he has manipulated her. She can'tleave. They such things are happening
nowadays. So it had stories also, Yeah, but in her situation,
it's honeymoon based, so they're there. Yeah, I knew it. You
(43:15):
knew you knew. Mm hmmm.Feel so bad? Yeah, so bad?
When and there shouting saying it probablybut they don't know you in the
court. Whoa that would be?That would be very heart breaking for me.
(43:36):
That's major red bag. If I'mone of the girls I will not
ever, ever ever date my friendthat guy because he can't do that to
his wife. Now you know,there's a chance that he can also do
that to me if I will bein a romantic relationship with him. Yeah,
(43:57):
but there's been no strong you know, was very wrong with him to
do that. And the story isstill continuing. I'll catch up with some
episodes. It's an interesting one though, So okay. The other one like
would help have like a good healthyrelationship is sitting boundaries, that one thing
(44:22):
that should should be there, Likeyou know, you have the clear discussion
about how you're going to set yourboundaries and you know, personal space and
privacy and to ensure like every partneris comfortable and feel safe within the relationship.
Okay, it's not about like oneperson, just don't give them space.
(44:47):
Just all over them every time,even even when the time they want
to be alone, just all overthem. You know, it's it's not
good, just give it. Likerespecting each other's boundaries is it will firstart
a good relationship and m and alsolike the way that you're going to solve
(45:14):
our conflicts when we when we havesomething that is up later we are angry
at each other. You know,like the way we go we approach our
conflicts is very like we don't wedon't blame. We don't have to blame
like you did this, you didthis. You don't have to blame each
(45:35):
other, like you know, wehave to solve our conflict pacifically, not
fight. For some couples to fighta lot because you know they are angry
and you know they don't know theway of the way they resolve their issues
is just fight, like just lappingsomeone and they would be good to go,
(45:57):
and that's not nice. It's overphysical. Yeah, but when I
see someone slapping, I think thatthey faced they had that trauma is a
childhood trauma. Maybe they grew upin a troxic environment or you know,
(46:17):
the parents were fighting all over andthey were a kid and they saw everything.
So they think like fighting is thesolution to everything. So some of
them are just not killed yet.A video a woman said they like men
(46:37):
who like she wants someone who canpunish her, like Beto something beat her.
Yeah, that a man who whobeat someone is manly enough that it
shows that he's able to protect orsomething. And I was like, man,
(46:57):
are you serious. Dame just youjust want to be slapped. Okay,
so we go, We'll go oversome tits mile and the first one
says, I posted my boyfriend onTikTok and he was mad. He asked
me why I posted on TikTok andI asked, I asked him why not?
(47:20):
And he said, I don't liketoo much social media? So would
you like, is it okay topost each other social media? Is it
okay for a relationship? Is it? Is it a red flag or what
do you think about that? Forme, it's a red flag. Maybe
there is another woman he doesn't wantto see that picture. That's just exactly
(47:47):
my If some people don't put outsomething, No, I don't think you're
supposed to hide. Okay. Someof them love privacy and everything. But
for me, I would be like, are you hiding something from me?
(48:07):
Or you you don't want your otherrelationship to be exposed. For couples to
take a picture and then post itsomewhere because you're proud of it, ight,
and they want to They want theworld to know that she is mine,
(48:28):
he is mine? Right? Yeah, Okay, but some people just
don't like to be put on socialmedia. Okay. The other tweet is
about Okay, my ex never wantedhis friends or family knowing about me or
where he was when he was withme. That's a red flag. Yeah,
(48:55):
a very big one, like whyare you hiding me? Maybe yeah,
it's not. Or he already introducedsomeone else to their family with just
a liability just sitting there and hedoesn't want you to be his family to
(49:17):
see you because you're he's not thatserious with you any ways. Yeah,
that's right. If the guy isserious with you, then let's sign it.
You won't be able to meet hisparents. Or maybe his parents are
toxic, but either way he hastold me, yeah, you're not treading
(49:44):
me, that's like taking you redflag. So yeah, okay, there
this is another one. Yeah,this guy I was dating for five for
five months, wanted it to lookkey, and it came to find out
that he was engaged to someone elsefor else. Oh you see the reason
(50:12):
I want to be posted so thatit can make it clear I'm dating this
cheap. So imagine like dating someonefor five months and then you find out
that they're already engaged to someone else. They're just planning the wedding mm hmmm.
Or you know someone can just openanother account and just build his family
(50:37):
and friends and post your there,just view yourself do that. Yeah,
they do a lot. It happens. Once a cheat, they're always a
cheatery with the future wife. Yeah, okay, here is there another one.
(51:00):
It's a question like, is itokay for your girlfriend to send her
photos to another guy? Okay?Is it okay? It happens a lot.
I've seen people doing that, especiallyon Snapchat. What's wrong with them?
(51:21):
They're giving away their body for free? No like been sharing? Actually,
you can share even a selfie?Is it okay when you're dating?
Is it okay to share a photowith another person? Would you like your
boyfriend to share his photo to anothergun and you're dating if it's a you
know, grag message personal, whichdoes a major red tub, But if
(51:44):
you post it in your social mediawall, that's okay. Everyone can see
it. But it's message no,no, no, that's not okay.
And also ask yeah, don't knowwhy he's sending them in the first place.
He's seeking attention to somebody else andnot me. Yeah, mm hmm,
(52:10):
okay, there's another one. Thiswit is so crazy right now?
Okay, my eggs never posted aboutevery anything about me until three weeks after
we broke up and he was firstingsomeone else. So I think the girl
was in the relationship alone. Theguy just wanted a chance to move on
(52:35):
very quick. But they didn't tellthem. He didn't tell the girl that.
You know. You know some somepeople just keep quiet. They don't
want, they don't want to tellyou that I'm done with you. They
don't say it, just see ithappens. They will never tell you I'm
done with you. They're just therewaiting for you to end things. But
(52:57):
they ended the thing with you,the things with you like it just yes,
ago, but you're just stay ina relationship alone. It happens quite
a lot. Actually, yeah,that's terrible. Like it's more alone than
new being single. Yeah's the reasonwhy you're in a relationship, not for
(53:19):
you not to feel alone, right, but but you're more alone now compared
to being single. So that's reallysuck. Actually, everything, Like we
have this topic about posting your partner, like it's frequently asks a lot because
(53:42):
like we have another teacher and myboyfriend don't post me either, even on
my birthday, but when when heatshis friend's birthday a girl, he will
make a photo grade of her,praise her. Yeah, that would happen
(54:07):
under my words, I wouldn't letthat happen. No, you're not posting
anyone. What are you doing that? Yeah, let's break up. If
you pro if you're proud and you'reyou're you're proud posting posting another girl with
(54:29):
your friend, and you know,everything just happens. It's so messed up.
I can I can't do that.Yeah. There was also this Twitter
so a man said that it's ared flag when a girl posts herself phone
social media for likes and reviews orsomething like that. Is it a red
(54:50):
flag? Really? For me?It's not for me? Not when I
post a lot mm hmm. Sofor me, I don't supposed to get
like, I don't supposed to getviews. Just feel like feel good about
myself, So I either I'm happy? Why not share? So? Yeah,
(55:12):
I just do that. The girlis just doing that, you build
her confidence, do you know?I guess I feel like most men think
that when maybe a female put onmakeup, poor nice stresses like do like
just put themselves out there, likethe seeking attention from male Like it's kind
(55:35):
of weird. Yeah, it's justlike dressing up and yeah and looking good,
having fun or something. Yeah,but most of the time it's for
your own self right to feel good. Yeah, it doesn't work. Mm
hmm, okay, some I workfrom that dress and that make also.
(56:02):
Yeah, so I'm posting for views, just posting to feel good about myself.
I don't think it's bad. It'snot. A lot of will disagree
on Yeah, especially men will disagreewith us. Yeah, they would totally
(56:24):
disagree. Just I think every posteris about getting lies, getting life,
getting noticed by adams like me postingyou're seeking for you're seeking attention from other
Yeah, but like it's it's likecool when a girl tells you you look
(56:49):
good, like coming like just girlslook nice, like it's yeah, it's
a good thing. Yeah yeah,yeah, it's a good thing. Yeah.
Yeah, so I will read thenthe the last one, this made
me laugh like a lot. Andthis my extoed me, I'm in a
(57:13):
dark place and you are, likeyou're alied. I thought it was something
beautiful to see in me, butit was darkness. Indeed, some people
just say oh immediately, that's likeyou're not argue, we're not discussing anything.
(57:36):
We just live. I'm just living. Hey, that's a very thing
to say to me. Some peopleare comedting, so I don't know.
Yeah the comedian in real life,so well, well, I don't think
(57:57):
it will go look them because thetime is not on our side. We
have like one minute left. Soyeah, any last words you want to
say guys before we wind up everything. Yeah, red flag is a red
(58:20):
flag. It's not orange you guys, so before for me, if you
see a red flag in your relationships, probably can give them a chance,
one chance or two. But ifit's more than that, no, you
(58:45):
shouldn't try any more than that.Just to save yourself. Yeah, you
need to save yourself time. Solike you know, you don't have to
stay there and watch everything that willaffect you emotionally is just you know,
any shadow to you, guys,we're giving shout out to me a gift.
(59:07):
Shout out to my sister. Youknow she is somewhere listening and usually
in Mars. Shout out to myfriends and family. I wish them all
the best. Shout out to myfamily and my friends. Yeah okay,
(59:30):
well said by both of you.And that's all we have for today.
And I want to thank you foryour for sharing your your valuable insights,
and also and also to our listenersand remember being aware of red flags and
(59:54):
addressing them early that will save youtime and which will help you to build
a healthier and more fulfilling relationships.So tuning in next time for more insightful
discussions and you know, thanks forlistening. Bye bye bye bye
Hello everyone, and welcome to theshow. We'll talk with Kathy and Shania
and this episode is brought to youby See One Productions. I'm your host,
Katy, and in today's episode,we're going to shed light on the
red flags that often go unnoticed inrelationships. And the title of the episode
(00:25):
is behind the Mask, So we'regoing to be diving into the world of
relationships and red flag and joining metoday we have my co host Shania.
You're good, Yeah, I'm good. Hello everyone, And also we have
(00:45):
a special guest, Mars. Howare you doing today? Hi? Am
great? How are you? I'mfine? Okay, welcome guys. Let's
kick things off. So I'm gonnaask like this is anyone can answer this,
like what are the some of themost common red flags that individuals often
(01:07):
like overlook in early stages of relationships. So like everyone can anyone can just
driving in answer, probably having nowork only depends on his parents. Are
you saying like the guy or areyou talking about the both parties? Yeah,
(01:33):
both parties think suld not need Yeah, true, No, I think
I don't think so, because likewhat if I'm just a university student I
meet the Let's say I meet thisguy. He is working. I'm not
(01:57):
working, but I mean school.Is that a red flagg getting him?
No, I'm not working back,I mean school. You just said that
happy love or something. But oh, serious relationship. Yeah, I prefer
not to date someone like that becauseanytime you might get pregnant or initially start
(02:23):
a family without any job. Yeah, So just to be on the same
side, I agree with you Must, Oh what if we're just therefore just
for fun, not like dating.You're not serious at first, but when
(02:44):
the time goes by, you thethings start getting serious, Like you're not
planning for it, but it justhappens. I guess it depends with the
type of relationship you're looking for.Like Must maybe stated that maybe if you
want something serious, love isn't everything. You have to look at the financial
(03:06):
status, family background, you know, when you I think, when you
want to get like deep into arelationship with someone you love, isn't everything.
So finances also matter in case youguys have children or masmi own.
(03:28):
But you know, like sometimes youcan you can hear like girls, especially
girls saying money is not everything inthe relationship. I know it's not everything,
but it needs to be there.Okay, that statement is weird because
I know most girls with data dependingon their financial status. So when you
(03:52):
say money is not everything, sowell, can you do that? Do
you? Like? Let's say,when you do, will you that will
be like a quality that a guymust have, right, money they just
should They should just be hard workingand work smart. Yeah, because yes
(04:13):
it's not necessarily earning so much likea huge amount of money, but at
least having work and not depending onyour charence. That's good enough. Okay.
Uh, Sometimes like people just ignorenot them like you can see it's
(04:36):
happening, but they just ignore.And this can can lead to like emotional
like you you have like emotional abuse, maybe the manipulation and everything when you
just watch everything happens but you're notdoing anything because it's just there for love,
Like you're doing everything you can tosee the relationship. But I think
(04:59):
sometimes you have to just if evenif it's hats the partner, your partner,
like you have to say it,you just don't do like you don't
just sit there and watch everything happening. And I won't say that love is
very very bad God to be theone who's trying to save and the one
who is trying. The other personis trying to sink the relationships. You
(05:20):
are just there e stressed. Everythingis just trying, but the other person
is not trying in something, thethings end up pretty bad and for us
red flag. I guess I'm ared flag there because yeah, so I'm
(05:43):
a red flag if it's happy loveor anything like like kind of friendship like
your best friends with your crush orsomething like that, and that's okay.
But when it comes to more seriousrelationship like like having sex, No,
(06:03):
no, before I do that,you must have a job and not depends
from your peers. No, Iagree with that because I don't raise my
kids in not a good environment whereI'm struggling raising them or something. I
want them to have everything, SoI agree with that. Mm yeah,
(06:29):
I also agree with like you youso we just help to agree with everything.
So I'm others are excellent points youget there. So now let's talk
about the red flags that might arisein a long time relationship. That the
(06:50):
only we were talking about the shotthe short term, like a listages of
the relationship, So like what someof the one in sings that a relationship
might be heading, what like canyou notice that your relationship is heading in
the wrong direction when you're doing thelong term? You're in a long term
(07:15):
relationships, So like some of theexamples, I guess when a couple has
a lot of misunderstandings and they don'tknow how to solve their issue, that
is a major red flag. Iguess, Yeah, communication, lack of
(07:39):
communication and taking your partner for grantedsince you're together for too long, you're
not exerting any efforts anymore, justin the first stages of your relationship.
So yeah, it's it's what elserelationship for me? Yeah, you said,
(08:05):
like lack of communication. You know, sometimes maybe you're angry at someone.
You expect them to know you're angryat them, but you're not communicating,
and when they ignore you, youget angry. Yeah, you know,
you just want them to notice,but you don't want to tell them
(08:26):
what's happening. You just want themto like, no, they're not Jesus
though, so thegain just know everythingthat's happening on the background. Having a
good communication might help some things andhaving a healthy relationship. And also I
think another one is lack of respect, not like sometimes like your partner might
(08:50):
consistently, like disrespect your boundaries likethis misses your opinion like you never have
you never you don't have to youdon't say anything. You don't have a
say in anything of the decision inthe house. This is like in the
life. And you know, likeeven when you have okay for me personally,
(09:11):
when I do something nice, Ilove someone to appreciate me, even
if they say, wow, youdid well, like you love appreciation.
And when they don't do that,I feel like now something is strong somewhere.
That's a red flag. Like ifI do something, you have to
tell me you did well, solike that could be a clear indication of
(09:33):
deeper like underlying issues in the relationship. So like respect is very important.
So I must have a question foryou, Like you're married, and how
do you like what they call itboundaries? How do you keep boundaries between
you and your partner? Like howdoes it work for us? We set
(09:58):
aside time for our own space,like if he wanted to go out and
ride his motorcycle alone and I willlet him be and I will not bug
him too? Can I go?Also? Can I go to? Can
I go with you? Like that? It's kind of ringing so I respect
(10:22):
his boundaries and he respects mine.Also, if I go outside with my
mom friends, so we have ourboth you know, our own need time
and the other one if the otherone is having a good time outside the
house, the other one will willbe there for the kids to support the
(10:43):
other one. So that's very important. That's amazing. Yeah, before we're
not like that, but as theyears ago, I just agreed on some
things. Yeah, what about givingopinions in the house like that? Do
(11:03):
you would like come to agree oncertain things just like Actually both of us
have a say in all of thedecisions that we make. I am very
dominant when it comes to expressing myopinion, and when he dismisses mine,
(11:24):
I really get angry. So it'slike my love language is words of affirmation.
So I want you to acknowledge whatI'm saying, understand my you know,
my opinion, and do not dismissme or just shrug me off or
brush me off. So since heknows me that I'm like that, if
(11:50):
we have like a certain decision thatwe need to make, he will ask
me and he will also tell mehis decision, and it's like we do.
Strength and weaknesses for that, forthat thing that we need to make
a decision on, and then whoeverwins, will you know, we will
(12:11):
follow that one. Whoever wins,whoever makes sense? Yeah, or about
in the situation Okay, this isabout like giving opinions. Uh, what
about in a situation where I'm nottalking about you? Like and shy can
answer this, Yeah, So whatabout in a situation where you don't have
(12:35):
you don't your partner don't allow you. He's the only one or she's the
only one who chooses where you're goingon a date. Let's say you want
to go somewhere and they say,no, that's not a nice place,
but for you, you want togo there, but they refuse to grant
you that, Like this is no, you're not You're not going there,
You're going we are going where Isaid, Like, they choose a place.
(12:58):
They don't give you that chance tochoose where you want to go.
So how can you take that?That would be weird and it would be
petty of him because it's just alocation. Plus, if he wants to
choose a place where you're going fora date and he's paying, if you're
(13:20):
just learning, he's going to justfollow plus, but if you don't want
to go there, I want togo some other place. I'm a person
who doesn't mind. Like maybe heknows the place better, like I don't
(13:41):
know the restaurant or I don't knowmost restaurants for dates or something like that,
and I bet he'll be cool,So I'd go with him, but
I would insist once in a whilethat we go to my favorite place,
yeah, to have some me.If he doesn't agree, then he can
go by himself. That's a fairyou know, per scenario. Yeah you
(14:09):
want to go there, I wantto go there. Okay, everyone that
you go to your own favorite tunefollow there in the house? Oh okay,
okay, I you know, Iyou know, we we we see
videos on social media and some storieswhere one partner was jealous, was possssive
(14:37):
over there, you know, spousedlike they don't want to see them with
anyone else or talking to anyone else, and if they do, it's going
to be a messy massy fight.So for me, that's a red flag
like jealous. Okay, it's youare allowed to be jealous, but not
that it says so like any whenI do something, when I meet people,
(15:05):
you don't have to control who amI meeting? If you okay,
he's about it's all about trust.So if I'm meeting someone, don't have
like to keep checking asking who areyou meeting? Why are you meeting who?
And who would be there? Likethat's a red flag. But what
do you think, guys? Yes, definitely, if he is constantly questioning
(15:31):
you, that is a red flagfor me. Or or sometimes he tries
to isolate you from from your friendsand family. Well, that's not like
at all. That is really nothealthy at all because as a person,
before you meet together, you aretwo different person right, so when you
(15:54):
are together, you can grow togetheras two different persons as well. So
if you have a relationship, itdoesn't mean that your growth will stop there.
You need to meet other people aswell, learn new skills, go
to new places with or without him. So if he's like that he cannot
(16:14):
control his jealousy, then probably hehas a trauma or something or he's not.
Yeah, maybe something happens. Yeah, they're not able to see that,
to over see the you know thisthing about yeah, and is this
about thing about deslating someone? Youknow you're the one who was in the
(16:40):
wrong, but you make them believethat the other one who like you make
them question like the SLF. I'veseen couples doing that many times. You
see like some one part that's inthe wrong, but the other one is
they're making sure that they're the one. There is question in there, the
(17:00):
like questioning themselves like did I dowrong? Where did they go wrong?
And they're the one with the mistakes. But that's a that's a very bad
thing to given friends to that.Mostly narcissists do that, I guess.
Yeah, the ones who lose makeyou feel like in the wrong. That's
what they don't want to be h. Yeah, they don't want to be
(17:23):
accountable for their mistakes. They justhave to give it to someone else to
carry their bad day. And it'svery bad. Yeah, it's actually all
about them. They are always right, never wrong. Yeah, so everyone
around them should adjust them because they'realways right. And when you confront them,
(17:48):
when you confront them, it's ait's it's a fighter. It's going
to be a very bad face becausethey say no, and that gamulation is
draining it one past very long.But yeah, and I think that will
affect you emotionally, that will that'slike an emotional abuse. They just manipulate
(18:10):
you, making you think that you'rethe role. You are in the wrong.
Al lowis you're never in the rectand they are right for the time.
And you can never like confront themand tell them you did this because
they will take it back to youand you they will ensure that you see
it. You're the one using theroom. But I mean, I don't
think like someone can and ipilate me, can gaslate me, that I will
(18:34):
gas late you back with course haveyou experienced that before, Yeah, but
it was not from uh, froma boyfriend, but my friend she was
she was always doing things on herin her own way. And when she
(18:55):
does she let's say she meets,she makes a mistake, she just come
back to me making me like shejust does things. I was so so
my mind was my mind was sobad, Like I was emotional. I
would cry when she says something becauseshe makes me believe I did I did
(19:18):
it, and I did it,and I could not defend myself. And
then with me, I don't Idon't know how to argue with people.
I just keep quiet. So likethat's why they like their strength from me
when they talk a lot. Sowhen I don't talk like they think that
just you know, she can't defendyourself. She just keep quiet and stuff.
(19:38):
But I don't like arguing that that'snot I think. So when someone
just says somethings, I just keepquiet, Like you just leave them to
question their own mind, like whatthey did wrong? And guilt is very
bad. And you leave someone questioningthemselves with full of guilt and something will
(20:00):
m hm. We just you justleave them, uh you know in themselves
they're saying like what did they dowrong? Yeah, just gave them just
keep quiet. Yeah, in allthe relationships I get into, consider even
to be a red flag with afriendships or everything flag green. Yeah,
(20:26):
that's how I survive normally paranoid,and I think being paranoid has saved me
from a lot of crap. So, yeah, that's fraid. That's flag
is red. So make it greenbecause I don't know you, so you
know, so you're meant to say, like we have to make they have
(20:47):
to make an effort for the flagto be green. No, as you
as you know, in the processof knowing someone, you're going to know
their behavior, their habits. Yeah, when you're meeting someone for the first
time. You don't know them,you don't know how they're like. So
that for me is just a redflag because I don't know you, and
(21:08):
I can't trust you because I don'tknow you. But we get to know
each other, then the flag isgetting greener. So yeah, you're a
green flag, green flag, butif not, you're a red flag.
(21:33):
And it's weird. Yeah, itis because I imagine how much effort they
have to put. What if youdon't want that, just be read No,
you just be like I like peoplejust being themselves, so you don't
have to hide anything, so Ican know if this relationship is going to
(21:57):
work and are not. Normally whenI speak of relationships, I just generalize
everything like friendships and everything. Soyeah, but you know you have to
try and show you this is workingin direct direction and everything you're doing is
healthy. We have boundaries, Werespect each other, you know, everything
(22:21):
like and also like someone has likeyou can't let's say, you can't love
someone when you don't love yourself.That's like you can't do it. You
cannot work from an empty cop,Yeah you can't. So when you expect
someone to do something for you,can you like just question yourself. Can
(22:42):
you do it for them? Youexpect someone to love you, but you
don't love you. You don't evenlove yourself. How can that happen?
And when they when they just showyou the other side of them, you
get angry. But you just haveto work. You just have to work
on your self before engaging in anew relationship. Yeah, that's my thought.
(23:07):
So I'm going to go on ourfirst scenario, Jenny, will you
Yeah, okay, I'm going toread scenario Okay. From the very first
date, James seemed perfect. Hewas carrying and attentive to Lily's needs.
(23:29):
However, the relationship depended, Lilybegan to notice signs that hinted at something
darker, lacking beneath james nature.It started little things like James frequently checking
Lily's phone okay, all becoming posesswhen she sent time when she spend time
with her friends. He would dismissit as concern for her safety, but
(23:53):
Lily couldn't shake the feeling of thingsmothered as man tent by James. B
behavior took a more troubling turn.He would often make a full remarks about
Lily's appearance, criticizing her choice offloats and make up. His words,
coded with false concern, slowly chippedaway Lily's confidence. However, as time
(24:17):
went on, his controlling behavior increased. He would insist on knowing how about
at all times and growing and grewincreasingly hostile, and she voiced her desire
for personal space. It was.It wasn't until Lily's confided in a close
friend that she realized the gravity ofher situation. With her friend's support,
(24:40):
she mastered the carriage to comfort,to confront James, and ended the toxic
relationship. So that's the story.Okay, So for me, like one
of the red flags in James,Uh, he what do you call it?
(25:03):
He just have that like controlling behavior. He doesn't want his girlfriend like
to hang out with friends, doesn'twant her to do like anything. He
just just question everything she does.And that's that means like she doesn't trust
her and a relationship without a trustNo, no, I don't ask you.
(25:27):
It's wrong. She's so ready,but she not them. Maybe it's
orange, it's not trade like shewas. What if the problem is identifying
carlous. Maybe she's thinking this personwill soon change. Maybe maybe she's hope.
(25:52):
Yeah, that's the problem people have, like are you waiting for the
flag? Like you've already noticed someweird behaviors about a person, like had
advice you leave that relationship before itbecomes hard to get out of that relationship
because it's like waiting it slightly.For example, I said, I'm going
(26:15):
to slap you. I've not slappedyou, but I'm going to. But
they're waiting for the slap her eyes, I don't know. It's just waiting
for me to slap you so thatyou can live like you everything I just
told you, I just want you. Really saw all the signs that she
(26:37):
decided to ignore. So guess whois heart really is? Because she ignored
every day for me, I can'tif I see something staying wrong, and
when I confront you about it andyou don't you deny it, I just
leave you and your relationship alone.Just move to this. So do you
think she made the right decision byeven him? Yes? Absolutely, she
(27:03):
will become crazy if she don't.But she waited for all those things to
happen so that she has a reason. Okay, go ahead, Yeah,
Really is confidence became? You know, confidence lost? She lost her confidence
(27:26):
already and she cannot for me,I will feel bad when someone let's say
my friend, I lose a friendin this case, let's say my friend
just when I wear something I looknice in that let in that stress,
and she just come and tell meyou look very bad. I would feel
(27:49):
very hat Just imagine that coming fromyour part. I remember my friend once
told me that there's nothing more dangerouslike a woman who is confident. Like
when you're confident about yourself people,yeah, I won't yeah, no matter
(28:11):
what anyone says. Yeah, likepeople's opinions doesn't matter to you, right,
Yeah, I mean there's nothing powerfullike a confident woman. That was
a statement. And I believe youshould work on yourself first because if you're
normally the person who people you canpeople can normally get into your head and
(28:34):
bring you down. Then Yeah,I don't think it's good to get into
relationship. It happens a lot.Yeah, it happens a lot, especially
when we just we see videos everyday on social media and when you go
through the commentation it's health. Youcan even hang yourself when you read something
(28:59):
because you're trying to be confidence.You love yourself and everything, but someone
there is trying they stay a joblike they're really trying to bring you down.
And when you let that kids intoyour head, it's going to mess
you up. There's something I know. What's your opinion? Hm, I'm
(29:22):
sorry she for me the controlling behaviorof dreams while I'm dressing up, like
what Kat said earlier, and shewill criticize my books and I will just
(29:42):
say, if I'm not beautiful,then go ahead, find another woman who
is beautiful. Leave me alone.I don't know, but sometimes I think
it's not easy to leave. WhyI need to tell you. You know,
as much as much as you wantto live, some don't. Like
(30:07):
they just they're just being hopeful,like one day it will change, giving
someone a chance. Me, I'mnot giving anyone a chance to change.
You have to change before you cameinto my life. So now we're no
chances of like I'm going to change, or I'm just sitting there hoping.
What if that they never come?Just be there like for fifty years,
(30:30):
forty years waiting for someone to change, and you're growing old. No,
I love myself that much. Ican't. So if someone actually involves you,
they are willing to change themselves andyou don't have to force that to
them, they will be it andthey will have initiatives because they want to
(30:55):
please you and they want to makeit happy. Mhm. But let's let's
let me like, look from Jamesperspective, what if he was trying to
care he was caring for Lily byasking her awareabouts like maybe, what do
(31:18):
you think like when your person tellsyou, like, share your location if
anything happens, I'll be there tosee if you What do you think about
that? Well, Lily is nota child, so if she was in
danger, I'm sure she would haveshared her location, So okay like that
(31:41):
m but uh plam, what doyou call it? You? One said,
like, are we did an episodeabout the uber driver? Do you
remember? So instead like you shareyour location? Can you share it with
your part? Now? Oh,I share my location with everyone, especial
(32:07):
tonight just in case. And whatif they're just following card from Is it
not like constantly asking someone where areyou? What are you doing? I
can't be annoying, I guess,so yeah, for me, I actually
don't like someone now, I don'task I don't like when someone asked me
(32:32):
where where you're coming from? Thatquestion? And you all know, like
where I'm coming from and you're stillasking. I just get pstop and someone
that's that where you coming from?Where you going? And you're you really
you know where I'm going, butyou're still asking. I don't like it.
(32:52):
They hit it very much. HIt's different. And if you're over
they married, you're required to dothat. Okay. I don't think I'll
put my I don't think i'll putmy partner in a situation where they would
be questioning my whereabout? Yeah?Like about such situations. Oh, I
(33:19):
guess then it depends like Marses becausenow when I look at it, when
I'm married, I will be askingwhere to go. I just want to
know maybe before for safety, likejust for for me to be still,
because sometimes you just have to knowwhere the person is when you love them.
(33:39):
I guess, yeah, that's true. It's more on the safety aspect,
not just the get your control ofthe other person. But it's different
when it comes to men and women. I've seen like scenarios where a man
is just by the wife or ofand where he's coming from, and he
(34:01):
gets angry because just I ask themlike where are you coming from? At
this time? They just get angryIn the start. You know, we
get very hostile because they are askedwhere they were coming from. Instead of
like answering I'm coming from just this, we just get angry. So I
(34:24):
don't know. I don't know ifsomeone is supposed to get angry, or
maybe that person is bored. Weshould also have something going on in his
life. Oh maybe you're alone intheir relationship and they didn't tell you.
(34:46):
We're having some fun time with someoneelse. But they just come anytime they
want in the house, every time, anytime they feel like two and it's
not good. And when you confrontthem, they just get angry, super
angry. So yeah, So,like I what do you think are some
(35:10):
of the healthy communications strategies that canhelp first as supportive and respectful relationship For
me, I would say like activelistening, Like when my partner pays our
(35:31):
close attention to everybody, say tobody language, you know, and they
understand, like I ensure that theyunderstand what I say. And you know,
we just like someone who's listening towithout judging you or you know,
(35:52):
they're just they're listening perfectly. Likethat would be a healthy communication strategy for
me. What do you think,guys? What about yours offer me paying
attention to what I'm saying, Ijust like you, and also shutting their
mouth when it's to speak. No, they're not off. Made sentence and
(36:17):
wait for me to finish my point. And then after that you can ask
questions, you can say, youcan have violent reactions, but do not
cut me off. If I'm donespeaking, then you can speak all you
want. But sometimes I think whenyou're talking, Let's say you're talking to
the person, it cuts you offand they put what's in your mouth like
(36:40):
they don't want to hear what you'resaying. They just want they just want
to hear what They just want toput whatever you're saying that whatever information you're
giving them, they just put it, put it in their own way and
understand their own way. Yeah,you won't care anywhere with that kind of
(37:00):
person, Like he's not letting youfinish your sentence. How would you know,
Like if he has questions, howwould he know if the next thing
that you will say would answer hisquestion right? Because he didn't. He
didn't let you finish your sentence right, So you won't go anywhere with that
person because he likes to knitpick everythingand put words in your mouth, like
(37:25):
that's not your intention, but heheard it incomplete, so that's why he's
accusing you now, So it's alllike a cycle. Yeah. And also
like quinda respectful. I love whensomeone respects me, but I think respects
comes in both ways. Do youagree with that statement? Yeah? I
(37:52):
agree. Yeah, lot someone respectseach other. Yeah, but when one
person is not respectful, don't.I don't think I would be respectful either
that when they're not respectful, you'regoing to be disrespectful. What did I
(38:20):
mean? Okay, Yeah, I'msaying, let's say you you do you
Let's say you disrespect me in frontof my friends for let's say one time,
the second time you do it,the third time you do it.
No, I'm not saying for thefault if you respect me in front of
(38:43):
people, or we're going to havelike a big conversation, like you're not
going to do that again because ifthe second time you do it, I'm
not going any everything. Okay.Actually I was listening to a certain story.
Uh, there was this couple.They are married, and they went
(39:04):
for a honeymoon for like a weekor two weeks, and they came back
and the husband had friends so theyhave like a group chat, so they
call each other. They just expressedtalk and something. So they were explaining
to them, like the honeymoon wasgood and stuff. So the wife left
(39:25):
the call, but not like livingcompletely. She just left the call,
but she was she was in thecall, but she was not talking.
So she over heard her husband saying. The girls in the group chat were
asking the husband how was your honeymoon? How was everything? The husband was
(39:45):
saying, it was okay, ButI don't like her. You know,
she's just keeping quiet with that allthat information. We went for a harmon
and married her, but I don'tThe husband is telling the friends that I
don't like her. I don't likeher and the way she dresses. I
don't like the way she dresses.I don't like everything anything about her.
(40:08):
And the wife was had everything.The husband said, So what would be
a reaction if you were the wife? Yeah, that was my question.
When marry her? Like waste ofthe time, go for the honeymoon and
come tell you girlfriends. I justcaught the girlfriends tell them that. Imagine
(40:34):
that was like shaming her in frontof the friends, disrespecting her and mind
her. Mind him like he didn'tknow, like the wife was listening to
the cold. The wife listened toeverything and her she she hung up the
call, and she went to herfriend and explained everything. And I was
like, whoa, if it wasme, if I was her speaking that
(40:59):
call, be like, so thisis what you think of me. Let's
just get a divorce so you can'tstay with your girl. That was me
too. It's from real quick.Yeah, So the wave was asked why
why? What was the reason why? Like she's not telling the husband and
(41:19):
she's saying, no, I don'twant I don't want to confront him because
he will get angry. Just imagineshe was saying that she's afraid that the
husband will feel will be angry ather, like divorcing him or something.
No, like the story Actually it'strending. It is currently going. I
(41:42):
don't know if she will divorce her, hit him or whatever. I don't
know. But the husband did this, he was wrong, Like how we
hearing the conversation was assigned from God? Yeah, imagine no, no,
and you're living in the same houseand she is probably telling his friends.
(42:04):
You know, I don't like her, I don't like the way she dresses.
I don't like her body type.I would love a slim girl.
Hey, everything was so many stuff, and she's listening to everything. The
husband is saying, I don't knowif I went if I was her,
if I went back home, Idon't think I would look him in the
eye like I would. This wouldisolate my I would isolate myself completely because
(42:30):
Hey, that's like that. Thisthat level of disrespect is very very bad.
I can't believe there so a womanlike that in this time, you
know, in this time that wehave, there's no ego anything, you
know. It also depends on this. Yeah, I'm afraid to live because
(42:54):
he's maybe their housewives, he's themain provide her. They have to yea,
he has manipulated her. She can'tleave. They such things are happening
nowadays. So it had stories also, Yeah, but in her situation,
it's honeymoon based, so they're there. Yeah, I knew it. You
(43:15):
knew you knew. Mm hmmm.Feel so bad? Yeah, so bad?
When and there shouting saying it probablybut they don't know you in the
court. Whoa that would be?That would be very heart breaking for me.
(43:36):
That's major red bag. If I'mone of the girls I will not
ever, ever ever date my friendthat guy because he can't do that to
his wife. Now you know,there's a chance that he can also do
that to me if I will bein a romantic relationship with him. Yeah,
(43:57):
but there's been no strong you know, was very wrong with him to
do that. And the story isstill continuing. I'll catch up with some
episodes. It's an interesting one though, So okay. The other one like
would help have like a good healthyrelationship is sitting boundaries, that one thing
(44:22):
that should should be there, Likeyou know, you have the clear discussion
about how you're going to set yourboundaries and you know, personal space and
privacy and to ensure like every partneris comfortable and feel safe within the relationship.
Okay, it's not about like oneperson, just don't give them space.
(44:47):
Just all over them every time,even even when the time they want
to be alone, just all overthem. You know, it's it's not
good, just give it. Likerespecting each other's boundaries is it will firstart
a good relationship and m and alsolike the way that you're going to solve
(45:14):
our conflicts when we when we havesomething that is up later we are angry
at each other. You know,like the way we go we approach our
conflicts is very like we don't wedon't blame. We don't have to blame
like you did this, you didthis. You don't have to blame each
(45:35):
other, like you know, wehave to solve our conflict pacifically, not
fight. For some couples to fighta lot because you know they are angry
and you know they don't know theway of the way they resolve their issues
is just fight, like just lappingsomeone and they would be good to go,
(45:57):
and that's not nice. It's overphysical. Yeah, but when I
see someone slapping, I think thatthey faced they had that trauma is a
childhood trauma. Maybe they grew upin a troxic environment or you know,
(46:17):
the parents were fighting all over andthey were a kid and they saw everything.
So they think like fighting is thesolution to everything. So some of
them are just not killed yet.A video a woman said they like men
(46:37):
who like she wants someone who canpunish her, like Beto something beat her.
Yeah, that a man who whobeat someone is manly enough that it
shows that he's able to protect orsomething. And I was like, man,
(46:57):
are you serious. Dame just youjust want to be slapped. Okay,
so we go, We'll go oversome tits mile and the first one
says, I posted my boyfriend onTikTok and he was mad. He asked
me why I posted on TikTok andI asked, I asked him why not?
(47:20):
And he said, I don't liketoo much social media? So would
you like, is it okay topost each other social media? Is it
okay for a relationship? Is it? Is it a red flag or what
do you think about that? Forme, it's a red flag. Maybe
there is another woman he doesn't wantto see that picture. That's just exactly
(47:47):
my If some people don't put outsomething, No, I don't think you're
supposed to hide. Okay. Someof them love privacy and everything. But
for me, I would be like, are you hiding something from me?
(48:07):
Or you you don't want your otherrelationship to be exposed. For couples to
take a picture and then post itsomewhere because you're proud of it, ight,
and they want to They want theworld to know that she is mine,
(48:28):
he is mine? Right? Yeah, Okay, but some people just
don't like to be put on socialmedia. Okay. The other tweet is
about Okay, my ex never wantedhis friends or family knowing about me or
where he was when he was withme. That's a red flag. Yeah,
(48:55):
a very big one, like whyare you hiding me? Maybe yeah,
it's not. Or he already introducedsomeone else to their family with just
a liability just sitting there and hedoesn't want you to be his family to
(49:17):
see you because you're he's not thatserious with you any ways. Yeah,
that's right. If the guy isserious with you, then let's sign it.
You won't be able to meet hisparents. Or maybe his parents are
toxic, but either way he hastold me, yeah, you're not treading
(49:44):
me, that's like taking you redflag. So yeah, okay, there
this is another one. Yeah,this guy I was dating for five for
five months, wanted it to lookkey, and it came to find out
that he was engaged to someone elsefor else. Oh you see the reason
(50:12):
I want to be posted so thatit can make it clear I'm dating this
cheap. So imagine like dating someonefor five months and then you find out
that they're already engaged to someone else. They're just planning the wedding mm hmmm.
Or you know someone can just openanother account and just build his family
(50:37):
and friends and post your there,just view yourself do that. Yeah,
they do a lot. It happens. Once a cheat, they're always a
cheatery with the future wife. Yeah, okay, here is there another one.
(51:00):
It's a question like, is itokay for your girlfriend to send her
photos to another guy? Okay?Is it okay? It happens a lot.
I've seen people doing that, especiallyon Snapchat. What's wrong with them?
(51:21):
They're giving away their body for free? No like been sharing? Actually,
you can share even a selfie?Is it okay when you're dating?
Is it okay to share a photowith another person? Would you like your
boyfriend to share his photo to anothergun and you're dating if it's a you
know, grag message personal, whichdoes a major red tub, But if
(51:44):
you post it in your social mediawall, that's okay. Everyone can see
it. But it's message no,no, no, that's not okay.
And also ask yeah, don't knowwhy he's sending them in the first place.
He's seeking attention to somebody else andnot me. Yeah, mm hmm,
(52:10):
okay, there's another one. Thiswit is so crazy right now?
Okay, my eggs never posted aboutevery anything about me until three weeks after
we broke up and he was firstingsomeone else. So I think the girl
was in the relationship alone. Theguy just wanted a chance to move on
(52:35):
very quick. But they didn't tellthem. He didn't tell the girl that.
You know. You know some somepeople just keep quiet. They don't
want, they don't want to tellyou that I'm done with you. They
don't say it, just see ithappens. They will never tell you I'm
done with you. They're just therewaiting for you to end things. But
(52:57):
they ended the thing with you,the things with you like it just yes,
ago, but you're just stay ina relationship alone. It happens quite
a lot. Actually, yeah,that's terrible. Like it's more alone than
new being single. Yeah's the reasonwhy you're in a relationship, not for
(53:19):
you not to feel alone, right, but but you're more alone now compared
to being single. So that's reallysuck. Actually, everything, Like we
have this topic about posting your partner, like it's frequently asks a lot because
(53:42):
like we have another teacher and myboyfriend don't post me either, even on
my birthday, but when when heatshis friend's birthday a girl, he will
make a photo grade of her,praise her. Yeah, that would happen
(54:07):
under my words, I wouldn't letthat happen. No, you're not posting
anyone. What are you doing that? Yeah, let's break up. If
you pro if you're proud and you'reyou're you're proud posting posting another girl with
(54:29):
your friend, and you know,everything just happens. It's so messed up.
I can I can't do that.Yeah. There was also this Twitter
so a man said that it's ared flag when a girl posts herself phone
social media for likes and reviews orsomething like that. Is it a red
(54:50):
flag? Really? For me?It's not for me? Not when I
post a lot mm hmm. Sofor me, I don't supposed to get
like, I don't supposed to getviews. Just feel like feel good about
myself, So I either I'm happy? Why not share? So? Yeah,
(55:12):
I just do that. The girlis just doing that, you build
her confidence, do you know?I guess I feel like most men think
that when maybe a female put onmakeup, poor nice stresses like do like
just put themselves out there, likethe seeking attention from male Like it's kind
(55:35):
of weird. Yeah, it's justlike dressing up and yeah and looking good,
having fun or something. Yeah,but most of the time it's for
your own self right to feel good. Yeah, it doesn't work. Mm
hmm, okay, some I workfrom that dress and that make also.
(56:02):
Yeah, so I'm posting for views, just posting to feel good about myself.
I don't think it's bad. It'snot. A lot of will disagree
on Yeah, especially men will disagreewith us. Yeah, they would totally
(56:24):
disagree. Just I think every posteris about getting lies, getting life,
getting noticed by adams like me postingyou're seeking for you're seeking attention from other
Yeah, but like it's it's likecool when a girl tells you you look
(56:49):
good, like coming like just girlslook nice, like it's yeah, it's
a good thing. Yeah yeah,yeah, it's a good thing. Yeah.
Yeah, so I will read thenthe the last one, this made
me laugh like a lot. Andthis my extoed me, I'm in a
(57:13):
dark place and you are, likeyou're alied. I thought it was something
beautiful to see in me, butit was darkness. Indeed, some people
just say oh immediately, that's likeyou're not argue, we're not discussing anything.
(57:36):
We just live. I'm just living. Hey, that's a very thing
to say to me. Some peopleare comedting, so I don't know.
Yeah the comedian in real life,so well, well, I don't think
(57:57):
it will go look them because thetime is not on our side. We
have like one minute left. Soyeah, any last words you want to
say guys before we wind up everything. Yeah, red flag is a red
(58:20):
flag. It's not orange you guys, so before for me, if you
see a red flag in your relationships, probably can give them a chance,
one chance or two. But ifit's more than that, no, you
(58:45):
shouldn't try any more than that.Just to save yourself. Yeah, you
need to save yourself time. Solike you know, you don't have to
stay there and watch everything that willaffect you emotionally is just you know,
any shadow to you, guys,we're giving shout out to me a gift.
(59:07):
Shout out to my sister. Youknow she is somewhere listening and usually
in Mars. Shout out to myfriends and family. I wish them all
the best. Shout out to myfamily and my friends. Yeah okay,
(59:30):
well said by both of you.And that's all we have for today.
And I want to thank you foryour for sharing your your valuable insights,
and also and also to our listenersand remember being aware of red flags and
(59:54):
addressing them early that will save youtime and which will help you to build
a healthier and more fulfilling relationships.So tuning in next time for more insightful
discussions and you know, thanks forlistening. Bye bye bye bye
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My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.