Family Affair

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/real-talk-with-cathy-shania--5980730/support.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello everyone, and welcome to RealTalk with Caddy and er. I'm your
host Cardy and I'm excited to haveyou join us today for an exiting episode
titled Family Affairs. This episode isbrought to you by See One Production.
With me today, I have mypanelist, my co host Shania will not

(00:22):
be joining today. We have Johnnyand Joe Ash How are you today?
Hey, Hey, Kathy, HiJenny. Okay, they will be joining
me to explore today's topic and sharetheir unique perspectives. So today's topic is

(00:48):
touchy and it's all about family andyou know, the sacrifices love and you
know, like it's all about lovesacrifice and also balancing between marriage and care
giving. And so let's let's let'sdive in. And I'm going to ask

(01:11):
Jenny this question. Okay, So, what are the societal expectations in your
country regartting the care of elderly orfailing parents You can give you according to
your country, floy is yours?Yeah? In in our culture, like,

(01:42):
extended families are very important to us. So whenever, even if you're
already married, like you're still kindof expected to help out if one of
the parents would get sick and wouldlike be confined in a hospital. Uh,
somehow you are expected to help outin any means you can. And

(02:05):
based also from my personal experience,I was the one taking who took care
of my father when he was inand out of the hospital for a long
time before he passed away. Butthat was even before I got married,
because my two other siblings are alreadymarried, so they had their own they

(02:28):
have their own families back then.But still they did help out and like
taking care of him in the hospital. We we kind of did ships in
taking care of our father. Sothat's it for me. Yeah. So
okay, if you, let's say, your husband's family can come and look

(02:54):
with you, right you house,that's a question. Yeah, I mean
can your husband's family his parents yesterdayhe can they come to live with you

(03:14):
and you helped him take care ofthem. Yeah, Josh, can you
share some insights by this one,Yeah, in the family in the Philippines,
depending on the case, like ifthe parents are I need of help

(03:35):
physically support physically, they could trulylive in the house of the couple.
But if for no other reason insteadof sickness or a financial instability, I
don't think that would be something acceptable. So it depends on the situation,

(03:59):
Kathy. Okay, here in Kenyais different, uh, you they they
might be taken to a nancy homebecause taking care of a sick person.
And then let's say you have kidswho are like, you know, smoke

(04:23):
kids. It's it's it's a it'sa it's a huge it's a huge responsibility.
So here in Kenya is different.Sometimes the the mothers from both sides
cannot live. They can they cannotcome to live in their son's houses or
daughter's houses for them. It's notacceptable. That's it. That's the situation

(04:49):
here in Kenya. So that's whyI asked, like you in Philippines,
what is your like story, what'syour scenario there? But Jenny said,
Okay, that's that's that's a normalthing. But in Kenya it's not a
normal thing. So Joy, whatthey didn't come to you? Sorry?

(05:15):
Yeah? So what do you doin that case, Cathy? If you're
not able to you know, it'snot acceptable to let your parents in your
house if they're sick. Okay,you do with them? Like, how
do they how do they take thethey take them to the nursing home.
Nothing homes to get the care.Like here, they take there to get

(05:41):
the care. Yeah, because here, like in the Philippines, like we
do also have nursing homes. Butthen if you like, uh, with
your parents in there, like kindof frown up, like you're a bad
You're a bad child. You're like, you don't love your parents if you're
just gonna send them in the nursinghome. So yeah, right, Josh,

(06:06):
what do you think? Yeah,I think I think that's that's that's
perspective. It's from different societies.You you're afraid if you take your parents
to a nursing home, You're afraid, like the community around you is going
to judge you and tell you,you know, your a bad daughter,

(06:27):
you're a bad son. Who cantake care of your mother? You can
take care of your father. Butyou know, sometimes situation can they can
make you take that decision. It'snot easy. You can just burrow your
parents and you know, just leavethem somewhere. You're not going to see
them every day. But I knowpeople have their reasons why they do that.

(06:49):
Others may may be out of it. Others maybe you know, I
cannot I cannot do this, Ineed help, So I think it's it's
it's and with people how they takethey review that scenario. So yo,
I'm coming to you next. Howdo you think cultural differences impact couples when

(07:13):
it comes to caring for the inlaws? You're married, so share your
Yeah, you can share your storyor a couple. Yeah, So again
there's cultural differences. But for coupleswhen it comes to caring for in laws,

(07:36):
I think it's something that couple shouldtalk about and agree on. Since
they're now startup family, they're startingtheir own values. They have to consider
culture, but not be shaped byit. So I think if the culture

(07:57):
is against that, but if theconviction goes for caring for their in laws,
I think that should be fine.So they have to agree on it
before they do it. But theyhave to agree and communicate about it first,
and not the man from each other. Okay. I see in Indian

(08:18):
community where they they live, theylove I think extended family. They live
together in the same house. Doesthat happen in European Philippines also the in

(08:39):
laws are all in the same house. Two in laws or just one one
of the parents of they can liveboth. I see that happens in the
years. Yeah, oh yeah thatI think in the Philippies that could be

(09:01):
chaotic. But yeah, most mostpeople also consider doing that for financial reasons,
they say, like the house ofthe parents. That's interesting after having
having after having one of their kidsget married, they would just tell them
to stay in their house of origin. That's right. Yeah, I haven't

(09:26):
encountered any case wherein both the couple'sparents are staying in one house like that
would be chaotic. As Josh mentioned, like it's just one, Like it's
either the side of in the husbandor the wife, Like it's either parents.

(09:52):
Okay, this think Ken you thingsare totally different because you can find
that you can find like uh,in laws coming to stay with their sons
and daughters that might bring conflicts inthe house, so they take over with

(10:13):
that a lot. You can evengive an example of a family that lives
with their in laws in the samehouse. It is totally different. But
you know, you have to appreciateother cultures out there. So are you

(10:33):
saying something, Jenny? Okay,So today we bring you a story that
explored the delicate balance between love,family and unexpected challenges. Gurin us,

(10:54):
we have these two couples, uh, who are fai seeing like a test
in their marriage. Desmond and Ecaand this uh the story. We will
take a turn in the middle.So let's listen up and uh just let's

(11:18):
picture this scenario. Then I'll come, I'll ask you some questions and you
have to share your unique perspective onthis. Uh. Desmond and Ika have
been happily married for three years andthey are bond is strong despite the usual
ups and downs. Their son Markis a one year old and they are

(11:43):
planning on having more children. However, their lives take an expected tern when
desmond mother and is diaganized with stagethree breast cancer. Facing this challenge without
other family members to help, sowe have Desmond, Ika, and Anne.

(12:07):
With Desmond's mather, Desmond decides tobring Anne to live with them during
her cancer treatment. The problem isthat An it's not fond of Icer.
She disapproves of their marriage, believingIkers told her son away as he rarely

(12:28):
visited her after getting married. Ikerwas hesitant at first to let and stay
in their house due to past issues, but out of sympathy, she agreed
to let her move in because ofher illness. Initially, things seemed fine,

(12:50):
but then Ann started complaining about Ikerscooking cooking, and claimed she wasn't
caring for Mark properly. She eventook over some of Icker's tasks when Eager
tried talking to Anne about it andgot upset and drew Tantramp's leaving Eager feeling

(13:11):
stressed. As Desmond noticed the growingtension between his wife and mom, he
began questioning the strength of your marriage. This left big fight and Acker feeling
overwhelmed. She asked Desmond to takehis mom back home and higher honnurs.

(13:31):
Desmond turned in between his love forhis ailing mum and his commitment to his
wife faces had he faced a toughdecision. He does not want his mom
to feel abandoned, but Acker isso upset that she threatens to live with
Mark if things don't change. SoJoash, what do you think is in

(13:56):
the rock in the whole situation?Mm hmm. I think the loyalty now
changes when two people enter marriage.But we don't cut ties with our family
of origins, especially from our parents. So I think Desmond should consider what

(14:24):
Ika is trying to suggest to hirethat will take care of us monstment,
yeah, and investment. So whois in the wrong and who's Desmond's mamma
uh uh Ika, who's Desmond's wifeor Desmond between and and Eka who's who's

(14:46):
in the wrong mother in law anddota in law. Yeah, it's hard
to pin point right, but inmy perspective, I think Desmond should pub
and lead both the people. Soagain she must, he must, Desmond

(15:09):
must make Echa feel that they're oneand that she is now uh he she
is now his priority. But ofcourse to respect and to honor, maybe
there will be some ways to takecare of the mom without having the two

(15:31):
uh you know live in the sameroof. If that's in that's the kind
of situation that they find themselves in, always having in conflict. What would
you do in this situation, mBecause it's a tough situation. If I
if I was yeah, if Iwas destamoned and my my mom is having

(15:56):
conflict with my my wife, Ithink I should be the one to talk
to my mom since that is myblood relative. So so it's not to
put on the spot my my wife, who just you know, got into
a relationship with my mom as aninlow because of our marriage. So since

(16:19):
she is my direct relative, Iwould be the one to give her feedback.
But it's because that's our house,you know, they are they're the
we are the leaders. If Iwas decamined, we are the final say
in what goes on in the house. But if my mom is not willing,

(16:40):
you know, to submit and toyou know, I would, I
would really hire someone to look afterher. Okay, I consider stage three
breast cancers like a terminal illness.Do you think should like give uh?
I should like just assume, youknow, maybe she is sick. She

(17:03):
should spend her maybe her last daysin our house despite having all the challenges.
So in your case, Ann isthe one who the mother in law
is the one who is in thewrong, right, Yeah, because you
know, if she will not iddrussand that's hard to adjust for older people,

(17:27):
right, But I would I wouldtell her about the feedback, about
the way she would speak and commentabout my wife. You know, I
will tell her to you know,just be a little bit kinder and not
harsh. So my I would stepup to protect my wife in that.

(17:52):
Wow, that's a man type.Jenny's who do you think is in the
wrong mhm? Yeah, yeah forme, Like, this is a very
complex family situation. So I thinkthere's there isn't necessarily a straightforward answer regarding

(18:17):
who is in the wrong, becausewe have to validate each individual's like emotions
and concerns. So and I thinkit's uh answer. Sentment towards Ika is
understandable, like given her perception thatlike her son was taken away from her,

(18:41):
But I think her behavior and attitudetowards ega ECA's efforts are not acceptable
because like, Ika is the onelike who agreed to have and stay despite
their fast issues, and she's theone that's also displaying empathy and care,

(19:03):
but I think she feels a littleoverwhelmed and stressed due to ant behavior.
So yeah, So this one isthe one that's put on the spot here,
I guess because he's torn between hiscommitment to his wife and the responsibility
and his responsibility towards his sick mother. So I guess, uh, this

(19:29):
one needs to like have a seriousconversation with both his uh mother and his
wife. So but he should alsoconsider his mother's needs and at the same
time prioritize his wife's well being andthe harmony of their marriage. That's that's

(19:52):
what I think. Okay. Iknow Desmond is trying but in this case,
I see the mother wrying to makeDesmond choose her or his wife,
because we can see as Anne movedin, she began criticizing ECA's cooking skills
and you know, parenting skills,even taking over some of her responsibilities despite

(20:18):
her being sick. So if you, if it was you, Jenny in
that situation, you are Ika,You're the wife, what what would you
would be your reaction? How wouldyou feel because you know, you're trying
to love the mother in law heremhm? Or would would you understand?

(20:41):
Mhm? Of course I would feelbad about it, and you know id
at the same time, But theempathy towards the mother, would you know,
surface more your emotions being mhm.The wife of the son whose mother

(21:03):
is ill would prevail, I guess. So even though I am quite annoyed
at what she does, like likehow do you call this like getting into
like getting in the way of howI am doing the things that I do

(21:29):
in the household, I would stilllike prevent myself from like blurting out hurtful
words or her, I guess,and just keep my peace, just not
to steer any kind of arguments.You're a nice person. Then Jenny,

(21:59):
my young tell me, yeah,okay, like we all monster, you
have to deal with them every time. I would be so furious if the
old situation, if someone comes andtells me, you don't know how to

(22:21):
raise your kid, you don't knowhow to cook for your husband, very
nervous. You know, if Iwould be even I don't know even I
would be able to forgive them.But it would take time to come to
terms to what she said. She'sill, but you know she had to
mind whatever she is saying. Evenif she's my mother in law, she

(22:42):
has to consider then if yeah,she has to consider that this is another
family. She's part of that family, but she has to consider his son,
not like just respect, like havethat respect for the wife. But

(23:03):
you can see from the story thepart they have been having issues with the
wife for in the past, soI think that she stills her. They
still have that bitterness between them,and it's it's it's giving this month,
I had had time to choose betweenhis wife and and you know, his

(23:26):
mother. So joesh have sorry,go ahead. If I'm in eager shoes,
yeah, if I'm in ecer shoes, I would go to my husband
and discuss the issues with him,So he should be the one about I
won't be that bad person. Yes, mother, Yes, yes, I

(23:53):
get you. Genny, what you'resaying. What you're saying. If you
have an issue with the mother inlaw, you're going to tell your husband.
What if your husband stopped willing totake a step, what then what
will transpass that it's not it's notwilling to watch mm hmm. You should
willing to. Yeah, you know, this is his otherwise, Yeah,

(24:22):
you should also consider the wife's feelingsas well, because they're the one who's
starting a family of their own,and the mother's like, I don't want
to be I don't want to soundbad, but she'd be like, she
has a stage three cancer. Wedon't know if she's gonna get well in
the future. She'd begun in acouple of months. You don't make your

(24:48):
wife, don't make your wife's lifemiser But at the same time, because
if the wife storms out of them, left with no one, if your
mother also goes as well, youknow. Okay, Yeah, So this
is a general question. So inyour country, does the government pay for
the nursing home or does does thegovernment pay for the people take of the

(25:11):
elderly at the terminally SIK people.Does the government cover that? I don't
think so, Like we have asocial security program, but the nursing homes
are private institutions. That's what Ithink the home for the agent, right.

(25:33):
We also have some government it's notgovernment government owned or what. But
oh, I think non government organizationsis what they're called, like, okay,
managing the nursing homes and they justrely on donations. Okay, yeah,

(25:56):
nonprofit orgs. Yeah. Yeah.In some countries, the government they
pay. Yeah. Here in kenyou you have nothing on Some of them
are owned by people that's private organization, and some of them are owned by
the government. But the government onesare too much crowded cause you know,

(26:21):
it's free and you know, threethings have a lot of following. So
you might take your sick person thereand they may not get the care you
need them to get because they aretoo much people and the staff that is
working there are few, so theyare not able to manage each They're not

(26:45):
able to attend to each and everyperson who is present, so sometimes it
might take time to take care ofthe sick person. So if I was
in that situation where I have totake you of a sick person they can't
do anything on their own and beto bring some problems in my marriage.
I would rather like employee and usand stay with them at home and take

(27:10):
care of them rather than bringing themto my house. That in that situation,
it would bring And do you know, like the sick people, when
the person is sick, it's toodemanding m hmm, yeah, yeah,
actually irritated. Yeah yeah. Ifmaybe they're watching a TV show and they

(27:33):
want you to pass the remote andyou don't do it that second, they
get irritated. I've been that situation. We have to take head to take
care of a sick person, andyou know, it's draining because age and
every minute you have to be thereor that and that's and if you don't,

(27:56):
they're going to get angry at you. And you can anything about that.
So this is a tough decision tomake. Okay, I'm coming to
you. Yeah, okay, goahead, go ahead, Jenny. No,
Like I have a story to tell. Like, like we're a brood

(28:18):
of threes. My brother and sistersare all married, so I'm the only
one left with my father. I'mthe youngest. So like the burden of
him was on me, and thenlike they just visit if they want to.
And there was this one time thatlike I'm the one giving my father

(28:41):
medications for his diabetes, and likeI kind of overdose in one of his
mens so so we had to rushhim to the hospital, and they were
like blaming me for that, likewhere are you when I needed you?
Like I'm the only one here,and I'm like in like, uh,
just studying in college, so Idon't know anything, Like I don't know

(29:04):
much about like taking care of ohparents like that. So I'm all alone
taking care of him. So whywould you even blame me? You should
have been here for him, Likeyou're the eldest. You're much older than
me, so yeah, you shouldhave helped me out like that. Yeah

(29:25):
yeah, you're not smarried by tenright, Yeah. And even when he
died in the hospital, like Iwas the only one who was there.
And then my brother who's afraid oflike I don't know, he has a
trauma attending funeral and he's afraid oflooking at dead people, like yeah,

(29:48):
like he wasn't even ready to faceI mean to see the you know,
to see my dad in his inthe coffin. Oh, I was the
one who prepared what floads he shouldwear, like how the funeral house would
be, came up from the hospital. I did all of those, Like

(30:11):
I was the one watching him beinglike prepared in the what do you call
that? In the funeral parlor,his body was being prepared. Yeah,
I was watching that was involved.I was watching him being involved like all

(30:32):
of it, like viewing, viewingwindow for that, and I wasn't.
Yeah, yeah, that's very brave. Uh huh, Yeah, she did
that was very brave. Maybe sometimesyou're feeling overwhelmed, you know in some

(30:53):
families, Yeah, you can seelike only only it's only that one person
who is like volunteering to take careof their sick parents. My friend,
like I noticed that. Yeah,they have maybe eight siblings, but only
one of them that volunteers to takecare of the sick. And when you

(31:18):
do it wrongly, they come accusingyou you did it wrong. But where
were they when you were sleepless?You know? Yeah, a married child.
So that's all. Yeah, okay, So as Joeys, I'm coming

(31:48):
to you first. How can caplesfind a balance between honoring cultural traditions and
establishing their own family dynamics. Familydynamics of their own honoring culture. I
think should be both honoring and honestabout who we are and the the new

(32:15):
dynamics that we want to build.So we could take some of the the
culture's best practices and modify it tothe ones that we want to continue.
I have an illustration for this.It's like traveling. So when you're traveling,

(32:37):
but you have you have clothed,certain clothes, and you pack it
up in a in a suitcase.Now, I think that's when two people
get married. They need to uhsort out the things that they don't want
to be on their journey moving forward. So I think the couple arting their

(33:00):
own family dynamics, they need toagree on their own values and acknowledge and
honor their family cultures and decide whichone of those they are comfortable of taking
with them in their next pace,in their next journey, in the next

(33:21):
generation. So I think the coupleshould really sit down on it. There's
a tension between not taking all ofit and you know, taking some of
it but not all of it,of all those culture that they are bringing
into the new family dynamics. Sothere's a lot of work to do,

(33:43):
but it could be done. Okay, you know something you can change.
Your culture says you have to staywith all of your family in the house,
and you married your wife from adifferent culture where they are they maybe
they don't practice that. So it'sgoing to strike a big tension because you're

(34:07):
trying to follow your culture and maybeshe says, no, you can't do
that, it's wrong. So youknow that's going to be a delicate thing
to do because you don't want toabandon your culture or your parents because your
wife said so, I think youhave some type decision to make. You
can't change in everything, but youcan try to live up with some of

(34:31):
them maybe if it's possible. Anyways, Jenny, what do you think about
that? How can you caupuse finda balance between honoring cultural traditions and establishing
their own family dynamics. I thinkit's very important to like strike a balance

(34:54):
between the cultural traditions when you're likeestablishing your own family dynamics because it would
require like a lot of open communicationand also compromise and respect for each other
backgrounds and beliefs. So really thefamily needs to open to all discussions about

(35:21):
it, and you can they canprobably seek help from like outside influences like
family counselors or a mediator, becausethat could also be beneficial. Okay,
okay, got you. Well,all familiars are different. So so Josh,

(35:47):
is it fair for ann to holdresentment towards Eca? And how much
influence should in laws have on thea married couplest life. How do you
think how much should in laws beimvolved in the assance or daughter's marriage?

(36:09):
And one can answer that, uhyeah, I think the influence that they
have is to the point that weallow them to impact our family. So
if that's my mom, I'm goingto gently and carefully confront her and tell

(36:37):
her I love you, I hearyou. But we're already starting our own
and we thank you for the feedback. But this is what we talked about.
So yeah, I would, youknow, carefully confront ce see is

(36:58):
going to take that, take someskills. You might be even bribe them
to maybe you cook them something theirfavorite dish and try to talk to sweet
talk then yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that, you know,
or bring them to a buffetors youknow, eat and then conversation. That's

(37:27):
interesting. Joys. Okay, whatwould you, Jenny, what do you
think how one should laws be involvedin the adults of science marriages? Yeah,
okay, so uh freshly as aparent, like you're the one who's
responsible for your children, Like youcan impose while there, they haven't reached

(37:54):
adulthood yet, but once they becomeadults, you're not. I don't think
you should be imposing anymore like youshould. You should just be there to
guide them in their own decisions,like let them stand on their own feet,
you know, because you will notbe around forever, so they have
to be able to decide on theirown, I guess. And so for

(38:22):
I think it's natural for Aunt tohave those feelings of resentment, but I
think it's not fair for her tolike impose her opinions and disregard because efforts,
especially with regards to parenting and householdmatters. Because she's also a mother
herself, she's been in that situationwhere she had to deal with her own

(38:45):
in laws. So yes, soin law should respect the boundaries and then
the dynamics of their children's marriages.But their advice and opinions can be considered.
Yeah, if given and respectfully andin a supportive manner, right,

(39:07):
you know, yeah, yeah,uh you know when yeah, your parent,
you you don't want your kids maybeto grow up that very fast and
start making their decisions, so likeyou just want to get involved in every
step of the way, and youforget that they are already grown up and

(39:30):
they can make their own decisions.So like letting go of that. I
think it's kind of hard for parents. Right then you can tell your parents.
Yeah then, jeege, it cantell that, right, yes,
right correct? Okay, So doyou think it's fair for or one spouse

(40:00):
to prioritize the immediate family over thedemands of extended family? Mister gene As,
Miss gene Vis, sorry, andjoe us, is it fair for
one spouse to prioritize the immediate familyover the demands of extended family? You

(40:25):
know what? You can answer that. Yeah, for me, it is
priority yeah mm hmm. Prioritize yourimmediate family, building your own family over
the demand of your extended family.And I think you should be able to
let them understand that this is mypriority now, you know, and you

(40:46):
can help out as much as youcan, but I don't think they should
demand anything more than what you cangive them. Because you know, we're
the first one be able to understandthe situation. Okay, got you exactly

(41:06):
what do you think about this JewishYeah, I have the same sentiment.
Yeah, immediately, it's important.You're now starting your own and you should
stand you know, loyal to yourfirst uh priority, which is now your

(41:28):
spouse. So yeah, we honorthem, but at the end of the
day, it's still our family.It goes first. Yeah. Isn't there
like a something in the Bible aboutthat? Yeah? I agree, I
don't know what us it is betterto have had of it. Who knows

(41:50):
the bus to us? Do youwant to? H y? I don't
know that is it allowed? Yeah? There is, there is, Yeah,

(42:12):
but it's for Christian believers, Yeah, there is. And Firs Timothy,
Um huh, So I think thatin one of the Yeah, I
couldn't remember the exactly. M Ithink it's it's really more of yeah,

(42:34):
like building. Yeah, but whenyou marry, your wife becomes your priority.
Muh huh. You don't even haveto think that's actually yeah, that's
actually the design in Genesis, right, uh, the living and cleaving principle,

(42:58):
So you leave your family live originto cleave to your own and you
provide for your own. Yeah.So in Genesis yeah to fourteen, a
man should leave his father and motherand leave be united to his wife.
So that's the cleaving party. Ohyeah, that's it. It's a genesis

(43:22):
principle. Yeah, okay, butthen there's a yeah. But then there's
there's a tension in First Timothy thattells us we should also care for our
family of origin, you know,if anyone fails to provide for his own,
especially for his own family. Butthe context is again the current immediate

(43:46):
family, and the family of originis only next because that's already the the
one that the couple should be concernedabout. Okay, the marriage and their
kids. You know, I cameacross a certain video where there's these two

(44:09):
couples. They are married. Theylive in the city, but his mother
and his two siblings live in thevillage together with their mother. Now it
came time to visit, Uh,the siblings and the mother did not inform
the wife that they are came inthey are coming to visit her in his

(44:32):
in her house. So they justappeared from nowhere with no called nothing,
and they are demanding to go insidethe house, cook and everything it's like
they are taking over the house andtheir husband is left in the middle because
he can he can shout at hismother and you know, he can shout

(44:54):
at his siblings, and he canshout at his wife. So like the
situation was messed up. The husbanddoes don't know that. It's like in
in our context. In Desmond's situation, the husband is not able to communicate
because if he tries to tell hiswife this and this, his wife will

(45:15):
come and say, you know,your mother is wrong, your siblings are
wrong. And when the mother andthe siblings can't talk with their their their
sister and his son, they willbe like, your wife isn't the wrong.
So I don't know how they resolvedthe situation, but it was messed
up like in Desmond's story, becauseit's also like resorted to fight to start

(45:42):
to breaking to see that the husbandhas had no say. He was not
there to defend his wife, evenif the Bible tells us you have to.
You know, your wife is yourpriority. So in situation like this,
I think it requires empathy and compromisefrom all the parties. In bold,

(46:05):
I don't know how you're going toget them to be empathetic towards each
other because they resorted to fight becausethey hate each other. They don't want
It's like they're competing for something thatis not even there. They want to
go for. They want their sonto one of them had to side with

(46:28):
another. So if the son wantsto to side with his wife, that's
okay, but the mother doesn't wantthat. You want his son to desert
to side with him, So youfeel it like it's very hard. So
if the purchase are not able tocompromise and have be empathetic to it towards

(46:50):
each other, it's not beneficial toeither of them. So if it was
in that situation and I see theyare both, I think they't don't listen
to each other. I might justleave the house for them and then leave
them to come to a decision.Then they can call me back when they're

(47:13):
done. Because heatic and stressful,because you cannot insult your mother, you
cannot insult your wife. So yousee dedicate balance, which I don't know
what steps and this month will take. I don't know. We think we

(47:34):
just have to find out if hedecides to stick with his mother or his
wife. So is it so JennyI have a question for you. Is
issuing ultimat fair approach when dealing withfamily conflicts or are their better alternatives?

(47:57):
Yeah, I would also restort ultimatumif that's the only way to resolve conflicts.
Yes, just be just being amother myself when it's like when it
comes to my children, like Iissue an ultimatum, like when they cannot
settle their dis between themselves, soI say to myself, like, Okay,

(48:21):
I'm out of here. I'll letyou handle this conflict on your own.
So you should they should be ableto like practice their uh okay,
h compromising skills. And just likeearlier, earlier, I did this like
okay, I'll let you to decidewhat to do. I don't want to

(48:43):
get involved anymore. I'm done.So actually it's good. It's a good
thing that they were able to resolve. There's all the situation themselves, so
it's a good thing. Like youknow, Yeah, so I guess some
doing an ultimatum could be a solutionto that. Yeah, yo, share

(49:07):
your prospective, your unique advice?Is it another? So yeah? Again,
going back to communication and setting offthe boundaries. You know, if

(49:30):
I was decimined, I would sortof communicate some house rules to my in
laws who needs help, and youknow, I would be opening our house
to them, and this is thehouse rules. You know, if you
have any feedback, you can tellit to me something like that, so

(49:52):
that there will be communication lines andthere will be boundaries and so you know,
to ahead of the potential conflicts,like there's only yeah one queen finan
say, and if you're going totalk to our helpers, tell it to

(50:14):
us first because we're managing them tosomething like that, so that so that
the helpers will not be you know, who's why boss? You know,
things like that. That also happens, like like with children, like if
you are staying with your in lawsand they have different manners and nice the
children and like you being the parents, like the kids get used who and

(50:40):
who is to like who to follow, like between the grandparents and the parents.
So yeah, at the anset youare staying together with your in laws,
you must be able to set theboundaries, like when bringing children,
it's our space and this is justwhere you are at. Like that okay

(51:05):
for me, I think regardless ifeven if you're a mother in law,
you're their sisters, their brothers whenyou go to someone's house and you don't
stay there, you have to livethat they are rules. Don't have to
change anything you found the house,the way they live, they have their
rules. You should not try andchange everything, because how would you feel

(51:25):
if I, you know, wedo our task at a particular time and
they come and do them like hoursand hours later, and we maybe we
like we like you know, forexample, in your house, maybe it
stays the way you arrange your things, maybe you turn celves in the kitchen
and everything, and they come andyou know, just do it their own

(51:52):
way. I will feel passed.That would that will piss me off because
why are you changing how it struckme time to that. So if you're
in someone's house, please just tryand live by their rooms. Don't try
and change anything. It's wrong.If you found that, Yeah it does.

(52:16):
Like when I'm in the kitchen,like that's my birth Like nobody comes
in, nobody lingers around doing anything. You already episode, Yeah you remember,
now that's your house. If youfound the kitchen is sparkling clean,
please leave it that way. Idon't want any confidence I do that.

(52:39):
Also, so if I arrange somethingand someone just come out of the way
and rearranges it. I'm pished andI feel like I don't know my anger
issues just okay, you know,sometimes it's it's it's it's heartbreaking to see

(53:04):
family struggle, especially during a healthcrisis, you know, for in the
inner one situation. I think it'simportant for Desmond too to try and solve
the issues and make decisions that goingto prioritize, uh, the well being

(53:27):
of both his wife and his ailingmother. I don't know what they here,
He will do, what he'll comeup with this how we will he
like solve the whole situation, Butyou know he has to, so Jenny
and Josh any advice shout out toour deariest listeners, any advice you would

(53:52):
love to give them. Depending onour today's to I'll go first again.
So yeah, love and care mustbe in the family. But first you
have to know your priority, andI think the first one that should be

(54:19):
in your list is your immediate family, your wife and your kids, and
then together as you lead that youspill it over to your family and relatives.
Yeah that's for me. Yeah,okay, for me, I guess

(54:43):
the ultimate goal would be to finda solution that like prioritizes the well being
of all the family members involved,like you set each other's boundaries, and
and of course be able to maintainthe integrity of the marriage and also the

(55:08):
immediate family member or the extended familyin that case. So like what Josh
mentioned, communication is still the verykey to all of this. So and
also empathy and the willingness to compromise. So yeah, to resolve the challenging

(55:30):
situation. Okay, guys, thisis our last show this year, and
I have not heard of our listeners, you know, very Christmas and happy
new You have not held that theywould love to hear you say that.

(55:50):
Merry Christmas, Ry Christmas, HappyHolidays. Do all the listeners and sticking.
Okay, So to our dear listeners, this is our last show this
year. We're going to resume Januarynext year, and we're going to come

(56:15):
up with hot topics for you,So stay tuned. I'm gonna give a
shout out to my co it's notwith us today and everyone in the show,
my friends back at home and family. So as we wrap up the

(56:36):
show, it's common for families tofirst challenges when dealing with serious illnesses,
and you know, issues at home, but I think the key is an
open communication and understanding, which canbe particularly difficult. It's difficult to understand
each other, but you know it'sworth trying, and you know, try

(56:58):
to bridge the existing, uh brokenrelationship with your family. And that's all
for today. Merry Christmas, guys, and happy New Year. See you,
happy, goodbye all of you nextyear, Bye bye h