February 22, 2024 • 61 mins
In this episode, we explore the playful world of flirting and its impact on romantic connections. So, what exactly is flirting, and why do we do it?
Well,Flirting can be a playful interaction between two people that fancy one another. It's the subtle art of testing the waters, creating a spark, and maybe even discovering a shared sense of humor or chemistry. Tune In and Enjoy The Discussion.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/real-talk-with-cathy-shania--5980730/support.
Well,Flirting can be a playful interaction between two people that fancy one another. It's the subtle art of testing the waters, creating a spark, and maybe even discovering a shared sense of humor or chemistry. Tune In and Enjoy The Discussion.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/real-talk-with-cathy-shania--5980730/support.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hell, love everyone, and welcometo the show. We'll talk with Cardy
Engineer. I'm your host, Cavey, and I'm excited to have you join
us today for an exciting episode titledPast Shadows. This episode is brought to
you by See One Production and withme have my co host for today,
Sire and my lovely panelist. Howare you doing today? All good,
(00:30):
good, good? Okay. Todaywe're going to explore the concept of past
shadows in relationships. I listed byunderstanding what you mean by past shadows in
the context of relationships, I woulddefine as fast shadows far too unresolved issues
(00:56):
or traumas from our past that cameand cast a shadow on our present relationship.
So when you have like it's it'slike a secret that maybe you're hiding
from your partner something you did onthe past and it comes right back counting
(01:17):
your present relationship, and you knowit can create a cycle of negative patterns
and leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.The unresolved past issues a result in emotional
(01:38):
distance or difficulty interesting each other.So have an open question, and I'm
going to use your first does lovetriumph over and resolved first feelings or with
(01:59):
their inhiviatively influence present relationships, canyou. Yeah, so I do think
that it can influence present relationships.Some things you just have to complan with
your new partner, like you tellhim what happened like in the past,
so that are there no issues likein your present relationships. So yes,
(02:23):
I do believe that the past canaffect present relationships. Okay, what do
you all think, Fritz, Joshyou can answer that since you call me
first. Okay it Yeah, Ithink both. I would say they would
(02:49):
definitely influence how you would act orthere's something that you will be affected with
from your past, whatever it ismay be positive or negative. But also
I agree with your first statement thatlove can still triumph over fast shadows.
(03:12):
So well, what if you youknow, you reveal your secret and it
brings you your present relationship like completely, you lose it. Yeah, I
think like it's better you lose itlike before it gets you get deep into
(03:38):
the relationship. So just come outclean instead of just spending years together and
then boom letter n like when youguys like are really into each other and
it will just mess you guys up. So just can't clean in about anything
that you feel like you did inthe past that may affect actual relationship now
(04:00):
in the present, rather than justkeeping it a secret, then you are
significant other finds out and they're justdisappointed in you. So I agree with
you. I also agree with Fritzlike love can triumph, but only when
you guys like are honest with eachother. So you just have to be
honest on some certain things, don'tyou think some some sound record it something
(04:30):
so just meant to be left behindrather than visiting them. There are some
things there you can leave behind,but there are some that you can't.
For example, like maybe let's sayyou may find like couples tend to some
maybe women or men tend to hidethat they have children with their past partners,
(04:53):
so like after being in a relationshipfor a while, they're like,
I have to tell you something thatI believe, like things like children,
she didn't take reaships. So yeah, yep, things like that. Yeah,
that's why I agree, you know, Kathy. Uh Yeah, So
(05:14):
I was wondering that I think thereshould be a proper time with the level
of truth that you want to ourlevel of shadows if you may that you
want to communicate, because I oncehad this person who who just got into
their first date immediately told her abouther struggle. So I don't think that's
(05:41):
the right time to do that.But you know, in a relationship,
you would little by little open upand you would see how the person can
handle your past. So well,how would you feel, Uh, Let's
say you've been dating a person forany now and never mentioned they have a
(06:08):
kid, and then they come andthen tells you, you know what,
Josh, I have a kid.I've been wanting to tell you, but
find the right time. How whatwould be reaction at first when they mentioned
that, Well, if the girlspretty, you say, oh, I
didn't notice that, you know,But of course you would wonder like what,
(06:35):
I'd be curious, you know what, what what occurs so long?
Like a year? But I woulduh, you know, I think give
it a pass. Let her explainand just mentioned the pretty face. As
for me, I'd be upset becauseif you are willing to hide your kids,
(06:57):
like what else are you hiding?So you just okay for me if
it's about a kid, you know, a year is okay. I mean,
it's not that easy to open upthat part, but a year of
dating should somehow most important areas andmajor fails in the past should be opened
(07:20):
up. So if it's two years, I would doubt about that. I
mean I would secondly say it's alreadybeen two years. But if it's during
the pandemic, three years anyway,So it depends on the situation. It
was easy for me when I findout that someone who have been dating has
(07:44):
a kid, I wouldn't mind ifthey didn't tell me in a span of
why mia, But later I don't. If they come and tell me after
two years or so, I willbe mad. Yeah, okay, that's
(08:07):
that's so. So you have someouterst questionion think love triumps over and resolve
first feelings. Yeah, I thinklove can taum over and resolved first things.
But it depends what things I believe. So if the result issues are
(08:31):
way deeper that they may affect arelationship, then love wants tiamp. But
if the issues that are not sodeep, issues that you can talk about,
I think love with sam. Soit just depends on what that issue.
Okay, that's great, m Ithink you know, as I said
(09:01):
earlier, somethings are just meant tobe left alone because you might disclose them
thinking that you're making you know,you're trying to make ahet difference. You
know trying, you know, you'retrying everything to save the relationship. But
once you disclose that thing, you'rethinking it. So some things are just
(09:22):
meant to be left alone. Justdon't let them. But when you talk
about kids, you cannot hide thekids for a very long time. Some
things you can just you know,just hide them. Then next tie is
Shani'm coming to your first. Couplesdisclose their entire romantic history, including getting
(09:43):
feelings for excess before getting engaged.So here is a ticket, like a
personal question or something. Would youdisclose your romantic you like a romantic relationship
to your partner, you just tellthem everything, everything you know what happened
(10:07):
between you and your ex. No, I don't think like has to know
how I felt about my excuse,he's my ex. But if I think
I have feelings for my ex,I wouldn't like crash into a new relationship
when I haven't gotten like over him, because that wouldn't be fair for the
(10:30):
both of us, for me andme and many partners. So but I
wouldn't disclose my feelings for my exwhen I'm going into a new relationships.
So yes, I wouldn't. That'sthe true I was thinking the same.
Uh. You know, when you'rein a relationship, are your partner maybe
(10:52):
curious at some point and just startasking your question about your past relationship.
And my answer would be just sayanything. You might say anything again,
you know they feel bad, theyfeel you know, they would be jealous
or something, and you know,just leave it. That's why I said
something suggests not to be bad.You know, some people just disclose everything,
(11:16):
how they they kissed, how theyloved everything. So fred come to
you, what do you think aboutthey are disclosing your romantic history history to
your partner. Soh For me,it really depends on on the setup.
(11:41):
It's it's not a black and whitethat just like for example, when you're
talking about the situations where for example, the one that you're dating is revealed
has revealed that she has a kid, So I would not say any a
(12:03):
definite timeline for that, because sometimespeople want would want to know the truth,
like the whole truth early. Sofor example, for me, in
my case, I would want someonewho would tell me that they already have
a kid in the in in theearly stages rather than for a year for
(12:28):
me, because of course it's it'sa preference, not only a preference,
it's a componatibility and you know,if you're able to support whatnot. So
so it takes a lot of consideration. So those those stuff really would take
a lot of compromise to with eachother. So to answer so, to
(12:50):
answer the question, disclosing with reallyrequires a lot not not only timing,
but you know a lot more.You're diating, right, do you disclose
her relationship? Do you put thatto me? It depends, No,
(13:16):
it's it still depends because I'm notgonna go to her and then tell everything
like here, here's my past orwhatever. It's really included in the conversation,
right, And in my end,I don't even ask her too much.
If she doesn't want to tell methe detail, I don't also ask
(13:37):
for details. So I just asked, you know, the experience or what
is it like and all that.Wow, that's interesting, You're not curious?
What would you? Josh? Yeah? Should I? It depends on
the dynamics of the relationship, youknow, but there will be a communication.
(14:01):
There will be a time if I'mleading the relationship where I would say
that truthfulness and honesty is in totaltruthfulness and total honesty would be one of
our core values that there will beno secret, so it would not shock
us anymore. In the future,will be really transparent with the current struggles,
(14:26):
even past mistakes, just to reallyget to know each other well.
So long as the atmosphere of safetyand trust has been established already, I
think those conversations can can happen.Okay, yeah, for me, I
(14:46):
would close my past relationship to mycurrents partsnap because I think your currents but
I miss your past relationship again,missed you. So I don't think it's
a good idea to tell your currentpartner about things that happened in your relationship.
(15:11):
But all of you at first werelike, you know, how we
should I should, especially Shania saidyou should tell your partner everything. And
I see everyone is switching it upsaying, you know, suppose I didn't
say everything. Okay, I didn'tsay everything. I say the important things
that maybe your relationships they say everything. No, I didn't say anything.
(15:37):
Got to you, well, youknow, creating an open communication is crucial
in a relationship, but you know, creating a safe space to discuss your
past experiences without judgment because it's cometo you and you know, explain everything
about everything that's happened in my past, and then you switch the story and
(16:02):
you start judging me. So yousee, you know, I will start
like regreting why I to do thatat first place. So if I need
to tell you something that happened inmy past, I have to bring that
topic. We sit down and weestablished the rules. We said, like
(16:23):
not judging, don't judge me.This is what I did I was young.
Then I'm maturing, you know,something like that. Don't disclose everything
just if if some some people maybelike I have no problem, like they
(16:45):
are used to each other. Theythey share everything. So it just depends
with the couple in that relationship.Some maybe you want to share everything,
some don't, So it just dependswith the person. But important things you
just late like on top of thetable. This is what I have.
This is the baggage I have,so that maybe you don't inconvenience a relationship
(17:07):
later on. Yeah, okay,I agree. You know, you have
to balance the you. You haveto be able to balance the honesty and
the sensitivity how that person is goingto take your message. They might be
excited. They're fully excited to knowabout your past and everything. But the
(17:29):
moment you start talking there, maybethe official expression changes. You know,
they're just, you know, justsensitive to some things, like be careful
when when you know, telling themeverything but your first make sure your relationship
for me personally, I will doit. If they just bring that topic
(17:53):
about my past, I'll be like, no, you're not doing there,
Like the past supposed to be inthe past. Now, don't let don't
bring the past in our presence inour present as long as I'm not doing
the same things I did in mypast, so I just leave it in
the past. That's why it's it'scalled the past, not the present.
(18:17):
Yeah, senietic of Okay, Soguys, we're going to this story.
So Dean and Rachel made when shewas twenty seven and he was thirty one.
After dating for three years, Deaneproposed and Rachel accepted. Despite her
(18:37):
love for Deane, Rachel struggled toovercome her feelings for her ex Jordan,
whom she considered the love of herlife. She had initially dated Deane to
make jud and jealous after he lefther for another guy. However, Deane
was a great guy, and Racheleventually developed feelings for him, so they
(18:59):
couldn't compared to her lingering emotions forJordan. Deane was aware of Rachel's of
Rachel's history with Jordan, but didn'tfeel threatened by it, who was comfortable
with the fact that Rachel and Jordanremained friends after their breakup. As their
wedding day approached, Rachel found herselfremincizing about her past with Jordan, remembering
(19:25):
the pain of their breakup when hechose someone else over her. A day
before the waiting Rachel's Rachel, feelinga bit sipsy, decided to visit Jordan
and confessed her injuring love for him. She admitted that despite her upcoming marriage
to Dine, Jordan would always holda special place in her heart. After
(19:47):
pouring out her feelings, Rachel leftJordan's house, leaving him speechless. As
she drove back home, Rachel felta sense of relief for finally expressing her
emotions. She was ready for thenext chapter in her life with Dane.
However, on the day of thewedding, Dane discovers Rachel's visit to Jordan
(20:08):
and her confession. Upset and had, Deane decided not to attend the wedding
and cancel the ceremony. When Racheltried to talk to him, Deane,
feeling betrayed, advised her to goback to Jordan since it was apparent she
was still not over him after allthose years. So, guys, that
(20:29):
is the question. So I havethis question for everyone. Is getting someone
to make an ex jealous a fairapproach in a relationship. I'm gonna start
with you, Kathy. That's that'sthat's a nice one. I might try
to make someone jealous, but Iwon't take it that far to make them,
(20:56):
you know, to date them,and now you're planning weddings. I
might do it for a few weeksor a month, but I will stop
doing it. They didn't get Istart getting serious, but I will do
it to make someone jealous. Actually, her plan was she was just to
(21:18):
stay with dim till maybe Jordan maybefelt jealous and went back to her.
But since maybe Jordan didn't care,she just decided like to proceed with the
relationship. So I don't think that'snice, okay, And what I brought
you, I will do it still, Okay, So you would do it?
(21:41):
Okay? What about you, Daisy, I will don't say I went
to make my ex jealous because forme, I don't think that I would
like because that means you'll be hidingthe person currently and did, and some
means that you're not over your ex. So letting someone to make another person
(22:07):
ends up hiding some of my tithid. So I will meet advise flight
okay, And what about your faith? Uh, definitely no, because it
(22:27):
would involve you and another person emotionalinvestment, time, attention, maybe finance
as well. So if you're doingthat for the purpose of making someone or
other the other person jealous, thenyou're not actually accomplishing anything, but you're
(22:52):
tearing up a lot more because yeah, let's say, for example, you
get to accomp you made the otherperson jealous, but now you have the
other person who's invested into you,you have invested into him. So so
whatever the outcomes may go, therewill be a party who would be hurting
(23:21):
and you know, broken and whatnot. So that's not that's not the right
thing or the right path to godown to if you really want someone you
know to love you, because lovingother another person for you to be loved
by the other person is just asmessed up. I agree. Agree.
(23:49):
Yeah, So suppose suppose you andyour girlfriend broke up and like you're really
really still into how you just letit go, just wish all the best
and move on in their life whenyou're still deeply into her. It's yeah,
if if I'm deeply into her,then I'm gonna be moving mountains and
(24:17):
to win her. Let's go towin her again, not not you know,
to to hurt anyone that is notreally you know, involved or part
of that, you know, partof that. Yeah, so instead of
instead of going to somewhere else orsomeone else, why not just you know,
(24:41):
pour out more to her. Thendon't waste it to another person that
you're really not into. Agree,okay, Josh and Josh, Yeah,
it would be Yeah, it wouldbe unfair, you know, and it's
gonna be risky. Yeah. Whatif the person you know falls emotionally to
(25:04):
you and it's just not right,you know, it's just not fair.
I stand with Fritz. I agree, if you really want a person,
pursue that person for it all onthat person. Yeah, okay, Okay,
personally I wouldn't do that. Also, so I have another question,
(25:26):
like was it right for Rachel toconfess her feelings to our ex a day
before marrying dem do you think thatwas a smart move? Okay, okay,
okay, I'm going okay. Actually, there's a real life story that
happened, like me, I thinka few weeks ago. It's something that
(25:52):
this lady decided that the day beforeher wedding she's going to visit her ex.
And I don't know she was likeconfessing her feelings or something a day
before her wedding like that. Thatwas so crazy. And when she got
caught, she like either I don'tknow if she pretended like she she's she
(26:14):
has fainted or something. It wassome a drama and she's wearing a wedding
dress. I don't know. Daisy, did you say that? Did you
like to see that? Video needsspending so I'm streen made. Yeah,
that was so crazy. It's areal life story that happened, so guys
(26:37):
or the first the question was wasit tried for Richard to confess her feelings
to her ex a day before marryingjan anyone can answer that? Are you
honestly think like I don't. Idon't think it was a good like the
honestly because imagine if the eight thatyou are still in love with him and
(27:03):
your wedding is the day after toleave. So that wasn't a good like
lea, because you will get intothe new marriage thinking of still thinking about
you, and you will alas havethat I love someone someone else more than
I love gives persons that I'm currentlywith, so I will. I think
(27:27):
she she did let that go uhso far, because how can you like
plan a whole wedding and I knowfor a wedding, you're not going just
to plan a wedding in a monthor in two months. It's something that
is going to take time. Andshe let that go too far, like
(27:49):
a day before your wedding. That'scrazy. You're not even supposed to leave
the house. But she did itanyway, So does it continue? Yeah,
So just imagine if the husband findsout that she told she told the
ex that she she's still in lovewith him. You know that's crazy because
(28:12):
now you'll be married and they're justthinking that this girl doesn't love me like
she loves the ex. So maybewe will be't the husband if he finds
out, he will be to bealso about your feelings, which is not
a good thing for marriage. Ithink that right. The X was also
(28:37):
in the wedding. This was likea movie, Okay, go ahead.
Yeah, I was saying, likeI believe, like maybe there's our first
love for everyone. It may bea person made love love love. But
I think that was a stupid movemade. She should have just kept it
(29:02):
to herself. And probably because shesaid maybe she fell in love with with
Den, but I don't think ifhe loved if she loved him, she
would still have feelings for her ex. So I think that it was appropriate
for him to just cancel the wholewedding, cause, yeah, you can't
(29:22):
like work with that someone who wasfeelings for their ex. If I was
in issues, I would have donethis. Mm hmm. That's a very
bad hard to break the day beforeyou're dting and they just come and telling
you. The husband didn't know.I think he find he found out by
(29:45):
himself. Wow. So I thoughtthe ex told the husband that the girl
still still loves Just imagine you tellingyour husband, your current husband that your
(30:10):
husband to be that you know,you know what you have to be,
has feelings for me. Wow.If there was if the fight was to
break out at that moment, Iwould be watching from a distance because you
know, at that point, someonesuppose I know, the husband was very
(30:32):
angry everything that just happened. Oh, okay, do you actually did think
about what's rechro right? Can youthat you were? I see, yeah,
I see that emotionally immature, justjust for me that you would tell
(30:56):
that a day before someone else's wedding. K. It's just not right for
me. So but what what?What did the discontinue the wedding because of
that realization? Okay, this personis not that ready yet. So but
it's it's hard, it's heartbreaking toknow that. Yeah, they were on
(31:19):
the altar. The husband was wearingthe suit and now he found he finds
out everything the ax is in thewedding, the white, the wife to
be is there. The husband waslike running, I was running away from
the old situation, and the wifejust pretended like, you know, I'm
(31:41):
fitting, please hit me out.Did a mistake? Wow, So that's
for you, Josh. Rachel waswrong and it was so immature of hard
to you know, do everything.She didn't. She only consumed dead about
herself and she didn't care about howeveryone would feel about confession. Or about
(32:07):
you, Fitz, what do youthink about the whole thing? Well,
Richual, I think it's it's it'sbetter for me to answer last because I'm
able to think. But two answers. The first one short term, I
would say, I mean the shortterm effect, I would say what Rachel
(32:31):
did was obviously not smart because it'sa lot of waste, waste of emotions,
of finances, of time, ofyou know, people around them are
also invested into the wedding, sothat's that's a super waste. But I'm
thinking the other side of it,The long term effect would be I would
(32:54):
say better at least for the sideof the man or the groom to be
because he was not tied into someonewho was not really into him. So
even if it was very close thatthey will be getting married, he still
dodged a bullet where he is alreadymarried to someone who still love her ex.
(33:19):
So yes, it could be alot of ways looking at that moment,
but looking out and the bigger picture, it's yes, it's of course
it's heartbreaking and and all of that, but still you will not be in
a relationship where or you will notbe married to a person who's really not
(33:42):
into you or who's really not committedor will say those vows and oaths while
thinking about another person. Ah,yep, yep, I think she's get
like I'm why I tell him,Like in the last minute, was she
expecting him like to beg her notto get married, or like I just
(34:07):
feel like she was just hoping,Like he just asked her, please come
back to me, look at meand getting married and get me back.
Oh yeah, she didn't believe itwas happening. But man, like I
got into this like relationship to makehim jealous and I'm about to get married
(34:30):
to someone that I'm not even inlove within the first place because of him.
So I think like going to himand confessing her love to him,
like was her final card. Supposemaybe he said come back to me.
I think she would have done that. So yeah, like her fanswer did
(34:51):
the right thing by canceling that weddingin the first place. So this this
question is for you, Josh andfritz Let's story is such rough like the
Dan is the one who is inthe wrong. So as Dean, what
would you do? You're the onewho is having feelings for your ex and
you're going to meet your X theday before you're waiting with your supposed wife.
(35:15):
So how would you explain it?I want, Yeah it was I
don't know, it's just mixed up. You might you might find yourself doing
it. So I'm just asking yourhonest opinion. Well, I'm already married,
(35:37):
so I won't do that anywhere.Fritz, you might want to answer
that I never had any X though. Oh see, it's not about don't
answer as uh, you know,just imagine, just imagine it gal situation.
(36:00):
Yeah, I still don't. Yeah, yeah, but if you don't
have something to imagine, you canjust imagine and make sure. Yeah,
but I won't do that. Youknow, why will I do that if
(36:20):
I'm already there, you know,I'm really emotionally financially invested, and then
do that. I mean, comeon, we don't want to do that,
you know something I blame the devilcoming at that point. I would
blame them for not taking marriage preparations, you know, and pre marital counseling,
(36:43):
because I have to really prepare notjust for the day, but for
the marriage life. Yeah. Withthat, Josh, I also think that
that maybe one of the reasons alot of people end up in bad marriages
like this, and I think maybeJosh and I are not thinking about it,
(37:08):
but but definitely the culture that weare in is actually you know,
has a great tendency of doing itbecause those those acts are really you think
it's love, but to me,it's more un self seeking. You're you're
creating or you're making a validation toyourself that that you know that that person
(37:31):
that you had before could still stilllove you and you can you can still
have him or her so and onceyou you know, have that right like
validation that for example, he hechased you on that wedding day, you
know you you would be you wouldfeel like someone who's in a movie that
(37:55):
you deserve to be chased while you'reyou know, those kinds of thoughts that
that lingers around that you know thatit's not really I think I would say
it's not really love, but it'sit's more on a pleasure that you would
want to experience yourself. It's it'sreally based on the feelings that you would
(38:15):
want to feel or want to haveby you know, making other the other
person jealous and yeah, and youknow what it's you know, as as
a psychologically you know, trained personI think the girl is not psychologically prepared,
you know, so, yeah,you need to have some assessment.
(38:38):
And you know it's unfair for theother guy, I mean for the spouse
to be Yeah, it's unfair tothe braid the braids made. You know,
maybe they they planned to go fromand you know, someone attended the
reading to eat and now everything is. They didn't consider that they already posted
(39:04):
on social media. You know,it's a mess. Yeah, And you
know some people just wait for thatmoment. You know, it's a big
day for you, so they justtake day of once out, it's time
to create the content with your situation, not avoid that. But the danger
there though, is there could alsobe a mindset where Okay, I'm not
(39:29):
gonna post anything about the social mediabecause there you know, he or she
might leave me or you know,you're afraid of embarrassment or something like that.
You just have to face reality thatyes, relationships could be you know,
could end in any time or anywhereby any reason. But that's also
(39:53):
not a thing that you should allowyourself to fear or something that you would
allow yourself to to suffocate with becauseit's it's edited to extremes you will you
will be posted about it and beyou know, bostal about it, and
(40:14):
people would see and know that youare in a relationship with someone, you're
very sweet and you're doing this andthat. And then there's the other extreme
who you're like, I'm not gonnapost about it because someday, you know,
I don't want to know that we'reyou know, we're we're breaking up
or something like that. So it'sit's also I think that adding on that
(40:37):
fit just this. Maybe you haveyour online your favorite online couples who shares
everything, every detail of their lives, like if they want to eat dinner,
they want to you know, drinkquarter, they just put they just
update you just a glass of water, just want to go to the wash
(40:59):
room, like they updated you oneverything. But when the time the time
comes and maybe they have the theyhave problems in their relationship and they break
up, they come on social mediacrying and they're You're just telling you,
you know, at this, atthis moment, we want you to respect
(41:20):
our privacy, like are you areyou You're the one who like you?
You you involved us on your life, so what what what privacy do you
expect from us? We just wantto know everything, so I don't think
that they should. You know,you're happy online, but when you break
up, you're just coming on socialmedia crying No, you have to give
(41:43):
us privacy, don't ask questions.But you're the one who brought everything to
yourself. I think on that side, I think it's good for partners to
show that they love their part Yes, you can post your rights now on
social media, but don't show allthe little details because once you show those
(42:07):
little details, everything relationship, youknow, not being your business. So
you can post your parsoner and showpeople that you are proud of your partner
and you love your partner, butdon't show everything about your relationship to the
wild. Yeah, internet will alwaysbe interned. If you record the video
(42:28):
today and you know you're going tofind it in ten years time, maybe
your kids, you are going tosee it, So like, be mindful
of what you put out there becauseyour business is someone's business. So you
know, yeah, so has everyonegiven their thoughts on that. I'm about
(42:52):
to go to the next one.Well, so, just to be interesting,
is it acceptable for Carpos to maintainfriendship with the excess as Dean was
comfortable with with in Rachel's case,you can talk about personal experience you know,
(43:19):
you know and can answer that.Okay, So I'm going to start
at some point like I don't Ithink that it's okay like to maintain.
I think we had this type ofconversation before in one of our episodes.
Yeah, I think it's okay ifthe relationship was not that deep. But
(43:42):
if there's still feelings, yeah,you should definitely cut everything off like bad
bye. You're just entering a newchapter in your book with your new partner.
You don't have like to involve therex who maybe you still have feelings
for. So I don't think it'sa isable so for you, your partner
(44:05):
should not have that. Uh.If so you did someone before, you
have a romantic history together, andyou know anytime the the the love might
spark spark back. So you shouldstay away from your excess. But you
know, some tend to have likemature friendship. So you're saying like your
(44:30):
partner is not supposed to have theirex in their life. Yeah, I
remember someone said that you should keepyour partner should not like be friends with
the ex because there may be apossibility that they may rekindle things like and
yeah, so for this, like, for this kind of story, so
(44:52):
it's not advisable. So no,everyone should go the only way separatories mm
hmm. Personally, I will betrying to be friends with my ex and
I will been trying to my personalto be friends with my ex because we
have excess for a reason. SoI think whenever I made that break up,
(45:16):
should just we should live with usthat let's not try to form relationships
because as shany As has said,you try to, you can your partner,
you can miss some aspects of yourrelationship, and you'll just if your
friends with their X, you'll justfind yourself texting them, not calling them,
(45:39):
entering them. I kind of missus doing this and this, So
I don't think you should. Soare you saying you're afraid may there might
be a possibility of you, yeah, personally coming back to your ex.
Even from my own experience, Yeah, I know that's not a good like
(46:01):
yeah, because there's this one timeI started talking to my ex because I
missed a mystery. So I know, and if if my person, if
my exosence, you know, ifyou cannot move on, there's that possibility
that you as sorry, moved onto quick. Yeah, I'm saying there's
(46:28):
a possibility I will not gone back. Wow, okay, or but you
josh, yeah, I mean whykeep the relationship and that's already well,
(46:49):
they could be back as friends asin like acquaintance kind of level, but
there should be not that intimate conversationanymore. I guess it's not safe.
It's not I think. Yeah,then for a minute more about you might
not be able to get back totalk to your ex, but you know
(47:12):
situations might make you do that.Let's say I'm you're in you're employed in
a certain company, and you findyourself working together with your ex, and
there's nothing you can do about that, so you're going to maintain that and
maybe are you placed in the sameoffice. Okay, I know you try
(47:34):
to handle it like on a professionallevel, but you know you can control
some feelings in a professional level,So you're going to hold the to handle
the whole situation. Yeah, Firstof all, I would be open and
honest with the awkwardness of the situationto my current relationship, and you know,
(47:58):
just a check on there, becausemy relationship is more important than my
work. So if it would takefor me to find another work you know,
I would. I would leave that. I will stay away from you
know, possible emotional traps and tendencies. So first I would let my current
partner know. And then if itbecomes like temptation or a distraction, I
(48:28):
wouldn't you know, stay in thatwork workplace, even if you're stuck in
the elevator together, maybe the powerout and whoa, yeah, yeah,
pray for Actually, I would bespiritual, take on a new hat.
(48:53):
You know, like how you aredoing so you guys meet your co workers?
What was what was today? Yeah? Like that it's your favorite joke
(49:15):
from the past, last message anyway, Okay, I would date my core,
but I would like, uh,tend to to be professional. Don't
let Okay, if you gets intoa relationship with them, things are going
(49:35):
to be serious. Then you guyslike things and badly. How are you
like going to keep calling at workwhen like maybe he was sitting next to
you, you see his face.I will be so mad. I feel
like strangling him alive. You willyouok with? I might? Okay,
(49:58):
if if it's for my own pieceand I see like I'm emotionally distorted,
I might quit for my piece.I don't have to stay there and like
see that person for the for maybetwo years, three years now. You
know I won't forget the same face. I won't. So if if quitting
would be a perfect choice for me, I would do it, Like,
(50:22):
just do it. There's nothing badlike emotional what do you call it?
When your emotional emotionally distorted? Isa very bad feeling. I would rather
someone slap me or rather than yeah, emotionally harding me because it's it's slapped.
(50:44):
It's kind of you know, makesyou feel bad about yourself, you
know, Yeah, that's just forme. Yeah, your reason is funny
slap like slapy? Okay, yeah, you made you You can just slap
me rather than acting me emotionally.You know, I would just feel the
(51:06):
pain. But you know, emotionalpain is very bad and can see physical
pain and emotional Yeah, yeah,I for that, but I don't like
pain in general. But if Iwas to come to that situation, I
don't want emotional pain because I wantbe able to handle it in some way.
(51:30):
Okay, yeah, so uh Fred, Oh yeah, Joshua was preaching,
So what about your fritz is it? Yeah? I was pretty I
did, didn't you At the lastverse too? Do you think like should
(51:53):
work together, is it right?Yeah? Yeah, working with with an
X. Well, we are calledto love our enemies, and now it's
not. And you just mentioned wellyou baptised, you baptize them as a
(52:17):
just kidding, but yeah, ifif the circumstance would allow or provide that
I will be working with an exSo in real life, I didn't have
one, but if I would have, if I had one, and I'll
be working with with them or her, then then definitely I yeah, of
(52:42):
course I'll form my current partner.And if there will be, for example,
conflicts of interest like those situations thatyou you told you told earlier,
for example being stuck in elevator,because these as as menial or as trivial
(53:05):
as it seems they're, they they'rereally factors on how you would be doing
your work, like productivity and all. And if your manager really cares about
that, and you know, notnot only for you as an employee,
but for your ex as well asan employee, then definitely that's something that
you could raise up to your employeror to your manager, because if the
(53:29):
setup could be changed before you know, resorting out to leave from that work,
I would add that you know,raise that up with your manager or
to anyone who would would care tochange something on your you're saying you're supposed
to. You're going to tell yourmanager about your personal situation and tell you
(53:51):
to switch. You tell him himor heart to suit you in a certain
office, but you say the samecompany, yes, if necessary. So
for example, like what you said, it affects productivity, it affects you
emotionally, you're not able to workwell, you don't want to go to
work because you know there's something thatis disturbing you. Then definitely that's something
(54:15):
that you can raise up. Butif you think that your manager doesn't care
and all he or she cares aboutis the profit or that you be productive
at work, then you know youcan resort to the other or the the
worst case, leave the the job. And guys, I just think that
would be weird because now you're takingyour personal issues late to the company.
(54:38):
Oh maybe just do No, Actually, it's not about ditching your co waka.
The situation was you you and youreggs just crossbud in a certain company.
Just find yourself there looking for ajob, and you know, you
(54:58):
get the job. You didn't knowyour ex works there. You just you
know, working and you meet youmeet them on the the company. So
the question was what would be areaction if you continue doing the job or
will you let your personal you know, your personal issues affect that. So
(55:19):
that was the initial. Okay,So if I bum like into my ex
like in a operation, like inan office and he works there, if
I don't have feelings for him,like I just do my work, like
I don't see any problem, butmaybe letter, if you are co workers
working in the same company, itwould be like a weird spot, like
(55:44):
a position that I would be in. But if we just my ex like
we Di did like two or threeyears ago, and you just bump into
this building like we're working there,like I don't think like I'd have an
issue, like just do your work, I'll do money. But question you,
Okay, well what what what ifyou're the hiring manager that company and
(56:08):
your ex ex with his papers andwant to get the job, would you
let your personal you know, yourpersonal issues affect that. I was interviewing
him. Yeah, and you're theone who asks the decision like are you
going to give him the job ornot? Or just going to you know,
(56:30):
it's it's pay back time. Justyou can't see. So what would
you do if he hurts me?I'd make him miserable. I'm just doing
I wouldn't that's evil. I wouldn'tdo that. I wouldn't do that,
but it would be tempting, especiallyif they had my feelings. So I
(56:52):
just interview them and if they passed, they do plus the my eggs.
So I don't have any feelings forthem. Yeah, okay, but you
know there would be that voice inyour head just don't give him the job.
Don't do it? Oh what wouldyou daisy? I honestly would feel
(57:17):
like it's giving them the job.I will might give them, but I
will need to be happy about gettingthe job with my compani. Yeah,
especially if it did hurt you prettybad, right, h Because every time
(57:38):
you see them, remind you ofthe time they it's pretty bad time.
That would be my reaction. Mokay, So guys, it's almost time.
So any final words? Uh?In me inside? You know what
(58:02):
to our listeners as we wind up? Go ahead? I am able to
(58:22):
think well first. So my opinionand my advice for people is, if
you still have lingering feelings for youreggs. I don't jump into another relationship
thinking that maybe you could get backlike he would live like his partner,
(58:46):
or just come back to you,try to make him jealous or something,
because you're the only one who's goingto end upart and you may be making
the worst decision maybe in your life. Like in this case, what like
what Rachel did was not cool.So yeah, that's my advice. Just
(59:06):
taken to process things, heal.Then after you've healed, then maybe you
can proceed to search for love.Yeah mm hmm, minus this, you
know, as we end, aswe wrap up, my expectation, my
(59:27):
encouragement is for those people who arestill dealing with their past, is that
for them to live in the lightinstead of living in the shadow. So
that's for me, that's interesting,Daisy, I have something to our least
to tell them a listener. Yeah, your ex just remania X. Don't
(59:50):
go back talking to them because youknow feelings might come up again. So
that's all that I have to say. As we see me, it's about
time we are excess for a reason. Definitely stay out, stay out of
(01:00:14):
relationships if you are still healing fromfrom another. So okay, for me,
I would say like this, timingis crucial and anything you want to
say. And you know, thesediscussions about your past, your excess,
(01:00:35):
I think they are best had whenthe relationship has reached a level of trust
and commitment. And you know,it's important to approach these conversations with sensitivity
considering your partner. You react,you know, with the desire to create
(01:00:55):
a healthy future together, and soto disclose or not to disclose is a
delicate balance because, uh, youwant to be transparent with your partner,
and you know it's a good thing. But you know, as I said
earlier, you have to time andtime how how you're going to tell them
(01:01:19):
everything, and you know you haveto consider the emotional readiness for both partners
and to approach their conversation empathy.That's just for me, and you know,
it's time to say goodbye. Andthat's thanks again guys for being part
(01:01:42):
of We Talk with the Engineer andwe can't wait to have you back on
the next episode. Until then,bye,
Hell, love everyone, and welcometo the show. We'll talk with Cardy
Engineer. I'm your host, Cavey, and I'm excited to have you join
us today for an exciting episode titledPast Shadows. This episode is brought to
you by See One Production and withme have my co host for today,
Sire and my lovely panelist. Howare you doing today? All good,
(00:30):
good, good? Okay. Todaywe're going to explore the concept of past
shadows in relationships. I listed byunderstanding what you mean by past shadows in
the context of relationships, I woulddefine as fast shadows far too unresolved issues
(00:56):
or traumas from our past that cameand cast a shadow on our present relationship.
So when you have like it's it'slike a secret that maybe you're hiding
from your partner something you did onthe past and it comes right back counting
(01:17):
your present relationship, and you knowit can create a cycle of negative patterns
and leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.The unresolved past issues a result in emotional
(01:38):
distance or difficulty interesting each other.So have an open question, and I'm
going to use your first does lovetriumph over and resolved first feelings or with
(01:59):
their inhiviatively influence present relationships, canyou. Yeah, so I do think
that it can influence present relationships.Some things you just have to complan with
your new partner, like you tellhim what happened like in the past,
so that are there no issues likein your present relationships. So yes,
(02:23):
I do believe that the past canaffect present relationships. Okay, what do
you all think, Fritz, Joshyou can answer that since you call me
first. Okay it Yeah, Ithink both. I would say they would
(02:49):
definitely influence how you would act orthere's something that you will be affected with
from your past, whatever it ismay be positive or negative. But also
I agree with your first statement thatlove can still triumph over fast shadows.
(03:12):
So well, what if you youknow, you reveal your secret and it
brings you your present relationship like completely, you lose it. Yeah, I
think like it's better you lose itlike before it gets you get deep into
(03:38):
the relationship. So just come outclean instead of just spending years together and
then boom letter n like when youguys like are really into each other and
it will just mess you guys up. So just can't clean in about anything
that you feel like you did inthe past that may affect actual relationship now
(04:00):
in the present, rather than justkeeping it a secret, then you are
significant other finds out and they're justdisappointed in you. So I agree with
you. I also agree with Fritzlike love can triumph, but only when
you guys like are honest with eachother. So you just have to be
honest on some certain things, don'tyou think some some sound record it something
(04:30):
so just meant to be left behindrather than visiting them. There are some
things there you can leave behind,but there are some that you can't.
For example, like maybe let's sayyou may find like couples tend to some
maybe women or men tend to hidethat they have children with their past partners,
(04:53):
so like after being in a relationshipfor a while, they're like,
I have to tell you something thatI believe, like things like children,
she didn't take reaships. So yeah, yep, things like that. Yeah,
that's why I agree, you know, Kathy. Uh Yeah, So
(05:14):
I was wondering that I think thereshould be a proper time with the level
of truth that you want to ourlevel of shadows if you may that you
want to communicate, because I oncehad this person who who just got into
their first date immediately told her abouther struggle. So I don't think that's
(05:41):
the right time to do that.But you know, in a relationship,
you would little by little open upand you would see how the person can
handle your past. So well,how would you feel, Uh, Let's
say you've been dating a person forany now and never mentioned they have a
(06:08):
kid, and then they come andthen tells you, you know what,
Josh, I have a kid.I've been wanting to tell you, but
find the right time. How whatwould be reaction at first when they mentioned
that, Well, if the girlspretty, you say, oh, I
didn't notice that, you know,But of course you would wonder like what,
(06:35):
I'd be curious, you know what, what what occurs so long?
Like a year? But I woulduh, you know, I think give
it a pass. Let her explainand just mentioned the pretty face. As
for me, I'd be upset becauseif you are willing to hide your kids,
(06:57):
like what else are you hiding?So you just okay for me if
it's about a kid, you know, a year is okay. I mean,
it's not that easy to open upthat part, but a year of
dating should somehow most important areas andmajor fails in the past should be opened
(07:20):
up. So if it's two years, I would doubt about that. I
mean I would secondly say it's alreadybeen two years. But if it's during
the pandemic, three years anyway,So it depends on the situation. It
was easy for me when I findout that someone who have been dating has
(07:44):
a kid, I wouldn't mind ifthey didn't tell me in a span of
why mia, But later I don't. If they come and tell me after
two years or so, I willbe mad. Yeah, okay, that's
(08:07):
that's so. So you have someouterst questionion think love triumps over and resolve
first feelings. Yeah, I thinklove can taum over and resolved first things.
But it depends what things I believe. So if the result issues are
(08:31):
way deeper that they may affect arelationship, then love wants tiamp. But
if the issues that are not sodeep, issues that you can talk about,
I think love with sam. Soit just depends on what that issue.
Okay, that's great, m Ithink you know, as I said
(09:01):
earlier, somethings are just meant tobe left alone because you might disclose them
thinking that you're making you know,you're trying to make ahet difference. You
know trying, you know, you'retrying everything to save the relationship. But
once you disclose that thing, you'rethinking it. So some things are just
(09:22):
meant to be left alone. Justdon't let them. But when you talk
about kids, you cannot hide thekids for a very long time. Some
things you can just you know,just hide them. Then next tie is
Shani'm coming to your first. Couplesdisclose their entire romantic history, including getting
(09:43):
feelings for excess before getting engaged.So here is a ticket, like a
personal question or something. Would youdisclose your romantic you like a romantic relationship
to your partner, you just tellthem everything, everything you know what happened
(10:07):
between you and your ex. No, I don't think like has to know
how I felt about my excuse,he's my ex. But if I think
I have feelings for my ex,I wouldn't like crash into a new relationship
when I haven't gotten like over him, because that wouldn't be fair for the
(10:30):
both of us, for me andme and many partners. So but I
wouldn't disclose my feelings for my exwhen I'm going into a new relationships.
So yes, I wouldn't. That'sthe true I was thinking the same.
Uh. You know, when you'rein a relationship, are your partner maybe
(10:52):
curious at some point and just startasking your question about your past relationship.
And my answer would be just sayanything. You might say anything again,
you know they feel bad, theyfeel you know, they would be jealous
or something, and you know,just leave it. That's why I said
something suggests not to be bad.You know, some people just disclose everything,
(11:16):
how they they kissed, how theyloved everything. So fred come to
you, what do you think aboutthey are disclosing your romantic history history to
your partner. Soh For me,it really depends on on the setup.
(11:41):
It's it's not a black and whitethat just like for example, when you're
talking about the situations where for example, the one that you're dating is revealed
has revealed that she has a kid, So I would not say any a
(12:03):
definite timeline for that, because sometimespeople want would want to know the truth,
like the whole truth early. Sofor example, for me, in
my case, I would want someonewho would tell me that they already have
a kid in the in in theearly stages rather than for a year for
(12:28):
me, because of course it's it'sa preference, not only a preference,
it's a componatibility and you know,if you're able to support whatnot. So
so it takes a lot of consideration. So those those stuff really would take
a lot of compromise to with eachother. So to answer so, to
(12:50):
answer the question, disclosing with reallyrequires a lot not not only timing,
but you know a lot more.You're diating, right, do you disclose
her relationship? Do you put thatto me? It depends, No,
(13:16):
it's it still depends because I'm notgonna go to her and then tell everything
like here, here's my past orwhatever. It's really included in the conversation,
right, And in my end,I don't even ask her too much.
If she doesn't want to tell methe detail, I don't also ask
(13:37):
for details. So I just asked, you know, the experience or what
is it like and all that.Wow, that's interesting, You're not curious?
What would you? Josh? Yeah? Should I? It depends on
the dynamics of the relationship, youknow, but there will be a communication.
(14:01):
There will be a time if I'mleading the relationship where I would say
that truthfulness and honesty is in totaltruthfulness and total honesty would be one of
our core values that there will beno secret, so it would not shock
us anymore. In the future,will be really transparent with the current struggles,
(14:26):
even past mistakes, just to reallyget to know each other well.
So long as the atmosphere of safetyand trust has been established already, I
think those conversations can can happen.Okay, yeah, for me, I
(14:46):
would close my past relationship to mycurrents partsnap because I think your currents but
I miss your past relationship again,missed you. So I don't think it's
a good idea to tell your currentpartner about things that happened in your relationship.
(15:11):
But all of you at first werelike, you know, how we
should I should, especially Shania saidyou should tell your partner everything. And
I see everyone is switching it upsaying, you know, suppose I didn't
say everything. Okay, I didn'tsay everything. I say the important things
that maybe your relationships they say everything. No, I didn't say anything.
(15:37):
Got to you, well, youknow, creating an open communication is crucial
in a relationship, but you know, creating a safe space to discuss your
past experiences without judgment because it's cometo you and you know, explain everything
about everything that's happened in my past, and then you switch the story and
(16:02):
you start judging me. So yousee, you know, I will start
like regreting why I to do thatat first place. So if I need
to tell you something that happened inmy past, I have to bring that
topic. We sit down and weestablished the rules. We said, like
(16:23):
not judging, don't judge me.This is what I did I was young.
Then I'm maturing, you know,something like that. Don't disclose everything
just if if some some people maybelike I have no problem, like they
(16:45):
are used to each other. Theythey share everything. So it just depends
with the couple in that relationship.Some maybe you want to share everything,
some don't, So it just dependswith the person. But important things you
just late like on top of thetable. This is what I have.
This is the baggage I have,so that maybe you don't inconvenience a relationship
(17:07):
later on. Yeah, okay,I agree. You know, you have
to balance the you. You haveto be able to balance the honesty and
the sensitivity how that person is goingto take your message. They might be
excited. They're fully excited to knowabout your past and everything. But the
(17:29):
moment you start talking there, maybethe official expression changes. You know,
they're just, you know, justsensitive to some things, like be careful
when when you know, telling themeverything but your first make sure your relationship
for me personally, I will doit. If they just bring that topic
(17:53):
about my past, I'll be like, no, you're not doing there,
Like the past supposed to be inthe past. Now, don't let don't
bring the past in our presence inour present as long as I'm not doing
the same things I did in mypast, so I just leave it in
the past. That's why it's it'scalled the past, not the present.
(18:17):
Yeah, senietic of Okay, Soguys, we're going to this story.
So Dean and Rachel made when shewas twenty seven and he was thirty one.
After dating for three years, Deaneproposed and Rachel accepted. Despite her
(18:37):
love for Deane, Rachel struggled toovercome her feelings for her ex Jordan,
whom she considered the love of herlife. She had initially dated Deane to
make jud and jealous after he lefther for another guy. However, Deane
was a great guy, and Racheleventually developed feelings for him, so they
(18:59):
couldn't compared to her lingering emotions forJordan. Deane was aware of Rachel's of
Rachel's history with Jordan, but didn'tfeel threatened by it, who was comfortable
with the fact that Rachel and Jordanremained friends after their breakup. As their
wedding day approached, Rachel found herselfremincizing about her past with Jordan, remembering
(19:25):
the pain of their breakup when hechose someone else over her. A day
before the waiting Rachel's Rachel, feelinga bit sipsy, decided to visit Jordan
and confessed her injuring love for him. She admitted that despite her upcoming marriage
to Dine, Jordan would always holda special place in her heart. After
(19:47):
pouring out her feelings, Rachel leftJordan's house, leaving him speechless. As
she drove back home, Rachel felta sense of relief for finally expressing her
emotions. She was ready for thenext chapter in her life with Dane.
However, on the day of thewedding, Dane discovers Rachel's visit to Jordan
(20:08):
and her confession. Upset and had, Deane decided not to attend the wedding
and cancel the ceremony. When Racheltried to talk to him, Deane,
feeling betrayed, advised her to goback to Jordan since it was apparent she
was still not over him after allthose years. So, guys, that
(20:29):
is the question. So I havethis question for everyone. Is getting someone
to make an ex jealous a fairapproach in a relationship. I'm gonna start
with you, Kathy. That's that'sthat's a nice one. I might try
to make someone jealous, but Iwon't take it that far to make them,
(20:56):
you know, to date them,and now you're planning weddings. I
might do it for a few weeksor a month, but I will stop
doing it. They didn't get Istart getting serious, but I will do
it to make someone jealous. Actually, her plan was she was just to
(21:18):
stay with dim till maybe Jordan maybefelt jealous and went back to her.
But since maybe Jordan didn't care,she just decided like to proceed with the
relationship. So I don't think that'snice, okay, And what I brought
you, I will do it still, Okay, So you would do it?
(21:41):
Okay? What about you, Daisy, I will don't say I went
to make my ex jealous because forme, I don't think that I would
like because that means you'll be hidingthe person currently and did, and some
means that you're not over your ex. So letting someone to make another person
(22:07):
ends up hiding some of my tithid. So I will meet advise flight
okay, And what about your faith? Uh, definitely no, because it
(22:27):
would involve you and another person emotionalinvestment, time, attention, maybe finance
as well. So if you're doingthat for the purpose of making someone or
other the other person jealous, thenyou're not actually accomplishing anything, but you're
(22:52):
tearing up a lot more because yeah, let's say, for example, you
get to accomp you made the otherperson jealous, but now you have the
other person who's invested into you,you have invested into him. So so
whatever the outcomes may go, therewill be a party who would be hurting
(23:21):
and you know, broken and whatnot. So that's not that's not the right
thing or the right path to godown to if you really want someone you
know to love you, because lovingother another person for you to be loved
by the other person is just asmessed up. I agree. Agree.
(23:49):
Yeah, So suppose suppose you andyour girlfriend broke up and like you're really
really still into how you just letit go, just wish all the best
and move on in their life whenyou're still deeply into her. It's yeah,
if if I'm deeply into her,then I'm gonna be moving mountains and
(24:17):
to win her. Let's go towin her again, not not you know,
to to hurt anyone that is notreally you know, involved or part
of that, you know, partof that. Yeah, so instead of
instead of going to somewhere else orsomeone else, why not just you know,
(24:41):
pour out more to her. Thendon't waste it to another person that
you're really not into. Agree,okay, Josh and Josh, Yeah,
it would be Yeah, it wouldbe unfair, you know, and it's
gonna be risky. Yeah. Whatif the person you know falls emotionally to
(25:04):
you and it's just not right,you know, it's just not fair.
I stand with Fritz. I agree, if you really want a person,
pursue that person for it all onthat person. Yeah, okay, Okay,
personally I wouldn't do that. Also, so I have another question,
(25:26):
like was it right for Rachel toconfess her feelings to our ex a day
before marrying dem do you think thatwas a smart move? Okay, okay,
okay, I'm going okay. Actually, there's a real life story that
happened, like me, I thinka few weeks ago. It's something that
(25:52):
this lady decided that the day beforeher wedding she's going to visit her ex.
And I don't know she was likeconfessing her feelings or something a day
before her wedding like that. Thatwas so crazy. And when she got
caught, she like either I don'tknow if she pretended like she she's she
(26:14):
has fainted or something. It wassome a drama and she's wearing a wedding
dress. I don't know. Daisy, did you say that? Did you
like to see that? Video needsspending so I'm streen made. Yeah,
that was so crazy. It's areal life story that happened, so guys
(26:37):
or the first the question was wasit tried for Richard to confess her feelings
to her ex a day before marryingjan anyone can answer that? Are you
honestly think like I don't. Idon't think it was a good like the
honestly because imagine if the eight thatyou are still in love with him and
(27:03):
your wedding is the day after toleave. So that wasn't a good like
lea, because you will get intothe new marriage thinking of still thinking about
you, and you will alas havethat I love someone someone else more than
I love gives persons that I'm currentlywith, so I will. I think
(27:27):
she she did let that go uhso far, because how can you like
plan a whole wedding and I knowfor a wedding, you're not going just
to plan a wedding in a monthor in two months. It's something that
is going to take time. Andshe let that go too far, like
(27:49):
a day before your wedding. That'scrazy. You're not even supposed to leave
the house. But she did itanyway, So does it continue? Yeah,
So just imagine if the husband findsout that she told she told the
ex that she she's still in lovewith him. You know that's crazy because
(28:12):
now you'll be married and they're justthinking that this girl doesn't love me like
she loves the ex. So maybewe will be't the husband if he finds
out, he will be to bealso about your feelings, which is not
a good thing for marriage. Ithink that right. The X was also
(28:37):
in the wedding. This was likea movie, Okay, go ahead.
Yeah, I was saying, likeI believe, like maybe there's our first
love for everyone. It may bea person made love love love. But
I think that was a stupid movemade. She should have just kept it
(29:02):
to herself. And probably because shesaid maybe she fell in love with with
Den, but I don't think ifhe loved if she loved him, she
would still have feelings for her ex. So I think that it was appropriate
for him to just cancel the wholewedding, cause, yeah, you can't
(29:22):
like work with that someone who wasfeelings for their ex. If I was
in issues, I would have donethis. Mm hmm. That's a very
bad hard to break the day beforeyou're dting and they just come and telling
you. The husband didn't know.I think he find he found out by
(29:45):
himself. Wow. So I thoughtthe ex told the husband that the girl
still still loves Just imagine you tellingyour husband, your current husband that your
(30:10):
husband to be that you know,you know what you have to be,
has feelings for me. Wow.If there was if the fight was to
break out at that moment, Iwould be watching from a distance because you
know, at that point, someonesuppose I know, the husband was very
(30:32):
angry everything that just happened. Oh, okay, do you actually did think
about what's rechro right? Can youthat you were? I see, yeah,
I see that emotionally immature, justjust for me that you would tell
(30:56):
that a day before someone else's wedding. K. It's just not right for
me. So but what what?What did the discontinue the wedding because of
that realization? Okay, this personis not that ready yet. So but
it's it's hard, it's heartbreaking toknow that. Yeah, they were on
(31:19):
the altar. The husband was wearingthe suit and now he found he finds
out everything the ax is in thewedding, the white, the wife to
be is there. The husband waslike running, I was running away from
the old situation, and the wifejust pretended like, you know, I'm
(31:41):
fitting, please hit me out.Did a mistake? Wow, So that's
for you, Josh. Rachel waswrong and it was so immature of hard
to you know, do everything.She didn't. She only consumed dead about
herself and she didn't care about howeveryone would feel about confession. Or about
(32:07):
you, Fitz, what do youthink about the whole thing? Well,
Richual, I think it's it's it'sbetter for me to answer last because I'm
able to think. But two answers. The first one short term, I
would say, I mean the shortterm effect, I would say what Rachel
(32:31):
did was obviously not smart because it'sa lot of waste, waste of emotions,
of finances, of time, ofyou know, people around them are
also invested into the wedding, sothat's that's a super waste. But I'm
thinking the other side of it,The long term effect would be I would
(32:54):
say better at least for the sideof the man or the groom to be
because he was not tied into someonewho was not really into him. So
even if it was very close thatthey will be getting married, he still
dodged a bullet where he is alreadymarried to someone who still love her ex.
(33:19):
So yes, it could be alot of ways looking at that moment,
but looking out and the bigger picture, it's yes, it's of course
it's heartbreaking and and all of that, but still you will not be in
a relationship where or you will notbe married to a person who's really not
(33:42):
into you or who's really not committedor will say those vows and oaths while
thinking about another person. Ah,yep, yep, I think she's get
like I'm why I tell him,Like in the last minute, was she
expecting him like to beg her notto get married, or like I just
(34:07):
feel like she was just hoping,Like he just asked her, please come
back to me, look at meand getting married and get me back.
Oh yeah, she didn't believe itwas happening. But man, like I
got into this like relationship to makehim jealous and I'm about to get married
(34:30):
to someone that I'm not even inlove within the first place because of him.
So I think like going to himand confessing her love to him,
like was her final card. Supposemaybe he said come back to me.
I think she would have done that. So yeah, like her fanswer did
(34:51):
the right thing by canceling that weddingin the first place. So this this
question is for you, Josh andfritz Let's story is such rough like the
Dan is the one who is inthe wrong. So as Dean, what
would you do? You're the onewho is having feelings for your ex and
you're going to meet your X theday before you're waiting with your supposed wife.
(35:15):
So how would you explain it?I want, Yeah it was I
don't know, it's just mixed up. You might you might find yourself doing
it. So I'm just asking yourhonest opinion. Well, I'm already married,
(35:37):
so I won't do that anywhere.Fritz, you might want to answer
that I never had any X though. Oh see, it's not about don't
answer as uh, you know,just imagine, just imagine it gal situation.
(36:00):
Yeah, I still don't. Yeah, yeah, but if you don't
have something to imagine, you canjust imagine and make sure. Yeah,
but I won't do that. Youknow, why will I do that if
(36:20):
I'm already there, you know,I'm really emotionally financially invested, and then
do that. I mean, comeon, we don't want to do that,
you know something I blame the devilcoming at that point. I would
blame them for not taking marriage preparations, you know, and pre marital counseling,
(36:43):
because I have to really prepare notjust for the day, but for
the marriage life. Yeah. Withthat, Josh, I also think that
that maybe one of the reasons alot of people end up in bad marriages
like this, and I think maybeJosh and I are not thinking about it,
(37:08):
but but definitely the culture that weare in is actually you know,
has a great tendency of doing itbecause those those acts are really you think
it's love, but to me,it's more un self seeking. You're you're
creating or you're making a validation toyourself that that you know that that person
(37:31):
that you had before could still stilllove you and you can you can still
have him or her so and onceyou you know, have that right like
validation that for example, he hechased you on that wedding day, you
know you you would be you wouldfeel like someone who's in a movie that
(37:55):
you deserve to be chased while you'reyou know, those kinds of thoughts that
that lingers around that you know thatit's not really I think I would say
it's not really love, but it'sit's more on a pleasure that you would
want to experience yourself. It's it'sreally based on the feelings that you would
(38:15):
want to feel or want to haveby you know, making other the other
person jealous and yeah, and youknow what it's you know, as as
a psychologically you know, trained personI think the girl is not psychologically prepared,
you know, so, yeah,you need to have some assessment.
(38:38):
And you know it's unfair for theother guy, I mean for the spouse
to be Yeah, it's unfair tothe braid the braids made. You know,
maybe they they planned to go fromand you know, someone attended the
reading to eat and now everything is. They didn't consider that they already posted
(39:04):
on social media. You know,it's a mess. Yeah, And you
know some people just wait for thatmoment. You know, it's a big
day for you, so they justtake day of once out, it's time
to create the content with your situation, not avoid that. But the danger
there though, is there could alsobe a mindset where Okay, I'm not
(39:29):
gonna post anything about the social mediabecause there you know, he or she
might leave me or you know,you're afraid of embarrassment or something like that.
You just have to face reality thatyes, relationships could be you know,
could end in any time or anywhereby any reason. But that's also
(39:53):
not a thing that you should allowyourself to fear or something that you would
allow yourself to to suffocate with becauseit's it's edited to extremes you will you
will be posted about it and beyou know, bostal about it, and
(40:14):
people would see and know that youare in a relationship with someone, you're
very sweet and you're doing this andthat. And then there's the other extreme
who you're like, I'm not gonnapost about it because someday, you know,
I don't want to know that we'reyou know, we're we're breaking up
or something like that. So it'sit's also I think that adding on that
(40:37):
fit just this. Maybe you haveyour online your favorite online couples who shares
everything, every detail of their lives, like if they want to eat dinner,
they want to you know, drinkquarter, they just put they just
update you just a glass of water, just want to go to the wash
(40:59):
room, like they updated you oneverything. But when the time the time
comes and maybe they have the theyhave problems in their relationship and they break
up, they come on social mediacrying and they're You're just telling you,
you know, at this, atthis moment, we want you to respect
(41:20):
our privacy, like are you areyou You're the one who like you?
You you involved us on your life, so what what what privacy do you
expect from us? We just wantto know everything, so I don't think
that they should. You know,you're happy online, but when you break
up, you're just coming on socialmedia crying No, you have to give
(41:43):
us privacy, don't ask questions.But you're the one who brought everything to
yourself. I think on that side, I think it's good for partners to
show that they love their part Yes, you can post your rights now on
social media, but don't show allthe little details because once you show those
(42:07):
little details, everything relationship, youknow, not being your business. So
you can post your parsoner and showpeople that you are proud of your partner
and you love your partner, butdon't show everything about your relationship to the
wild. Yeah, internet will alwaysbe interned. If you record the video
(42:28):
today and you know you're going tofind it in ten years time, maybe
your kids, you are going tosee it, So like, be mindful
of what you put out there becauseyour business is someone's business. So you
know, yeah, so has everyonegiven their thoughts on that. I'm about
(42:52):
to go to the next one.Well, so, just to be interesting,
is it acceptable for Carpos to maintainfriendship with the excess as Dean was
comfortable with with in Rachel's case,you can talk about personal experience you know,
(43:19):
you know and can answer that.Okay, So I'm going to start
at some point like I don't Ithink that it's okay like to maintain.
I think we had this type ofconversation before in one of our episodes.
Yeah, I think it's okay ifthe relationship was not that deep. But
(43:42):
if there's still feelings, yeah,you should definitely cut everything off like bad
bye. You're just entering a newchapter in your book with your new partner.
You don't have like to involve therex who maybe you still have feelings
for. So I don't think it'sa isable so for you, your partner
(44:05):
should not have that. Uh.If so you did someone before, you
have a romantic history together, andyou know anytime the the the love might
spark spark back. So you shouldstay away from your excess. But you
know, some tend to have likemature friendship. So you're saying like your
(44:30):
partner is not supposed to have theirex in their life. Yeah, I
remember someone said that you should keepyour partner should not like be friends with
the ex because there may be apossibility that they may rekindle things like and
yeah, so for this, like, for this kind of story, so
(44:52):
it's not advisable. So no,everyone should go the only way separatories mm
hmm. Personally, I will betrying to be friends with my ex and
I will been trying to my personalto be friends with my ex because we
have excess for a reason. SoI think whenever I made that break up,
(45:16):
should just we should live with usthat let's not try to form relationships
because as shany As has said,you try to, you can your partner,
you can miss some aspects of yourrelationship, and you'll just if your
friends with their X, you'll justfind yourself texting them, not calling them,
(45:39):
entering them. I kind of missus doing this and this, So
I don't think you should. Soare you saying you're afraid may there might
be a possibility of you, yeah, personally coming back to your ex.
Even from my own experience, Yeah, I know that's not a good like
(46:01):
yeah, because there's this one timeI started talking to my ex because I
missed a mystery. So I know, and if if my person, if
my exosence, you know, ifyou cannot move on, there's that possibility
that you as sorry, moved onto quick. Yeah, I'm saying there's
(46:28):
a possibility I will not gone back. Wow, okay, or but you
josh, yeah, I mean whykeep the relationship and that's already well,
(46:49):
they could be back as friends asin like acquaintance kind of level, but
there should be not that intimate conversationanymore. I guess it's not safe.
It's not I think. Yeah,then for a minute more about you might
not be able to get back totalk to your ex, but you know
(47:12):
situations might make you do that.Let's say I'm you're in you're employed in
a certain company, and you findyourself working together with your ex, and
there's nothing you can do about that, so you're going to maintain that and
maybe are you placed in the sameoffice. Okay, I know you try
(47:34):
to handle it like on a professionallevel, but you know you can control
some feelings in a professional level,So you're going to hold the to handle
the whole situation. Yeah, Firstof all, I would be open and
honest with the awkwardness of the situationto my current relationship, and you know,
(47:58):
just a check on there, becausemy relationship is more important than my
work. So if it would takefor me to find another work you know,
I would. I would leave that. I will stay away from you
know, possible emotional traps and tendencies. So first I would let my current
partner know. And then if itbecomes like temptation or a distraction, I
(48:28):
wouldn't you know, stay in thatwork workplace, even if you're stuck in
the elevator together, maybe the powerout and whoa, yeah, yeah,
pray for Actually, I would bespiritual, take on a new hat.
(48:53):
You know, like how you aredoing so you guys meet your co workers?
What was what was today? Yeah? Like that it's your favorite joke
(49:15):
from the past, last message anyway, Okay, I would date my core,
but I would like, uh,tend to to be professional. Don't
let Okay, if you gets intoa relationship with them, things are going
(49:35):
to be serious. Then you guyslike things and badly. How are you
like going to keep calling at workwhen like maybe he was sitting next to
you, you see his face.I will be so mad. I feel
like strangling him alive. You willyouok with? I might? Okay,
(49:58):
if if it's for my own pieceand I see like I'm emotionally distorted,
I might quit for my piece.I don't have to stay there and like
see that person for the for maybetwo years, three years now. You
know I won't forget the same face. I won't. So if if quitting
would be a perfect choice for me, I would do it, Like,
(50:22):
just do it. There's nothing badlike emotional what do you call it?
When your emotional emotionally distorted? Isa very bad feeling. I would rather
someone slap me or rather than yeah, emotionally harding me because it's it's slapped.
(50:44):
It's kind of you know, makesyou feel bad about yourself, you
know, Yeah, that's just forme. Yeah, your reason is funny
slap like slapy? Okay, yeah, you made you You can just slap
me rather than acting me emotionally.You know, I would just feel the
(51:06):
pain. But you know, emotionalpain is very bad and can see physical
pain and emotional Yeah, yeah,I for that, but I don't like
pain in general. But if Iwas to come to that situation, I
don't want emotional pain because I wantbe able to handle it in some way.
(51:30):
Okay, yeah, so uh Fred, Oh yeah, Joshua was preaching,
So what about your fritz is it? Yeah? I was pretty I
did, didn't you At the lastverse too? Do you think like should
(51:53):
work together, is it right?Yeah? Yeah, working with with an
X. Well, we are calledto love our enemies, and now it's
not. And you just mentioned wellyou baptised, you baptize them as a
(52:17):
just kidding, but yeah, ifif the circumstance would allow or provide that
I will be working with an exSo in real life, I didn't have
one, but if I would have, if I had one, and I'll
be working with with them or her, then then definitely I yeah, of
(52:42):
course I'll form my current partner.And if there will be, for example,
conflicts of interest like those situations thatyou you told you told earlier,
for example being stuck in elevator,because these as as menial or as trivial
(53:05):
as it seems they're, they they'rereally factors on how you would be doing
your work, like productivity and all. And if your manager really cares about
that, and you know, notnot only for you as an employee,
but for your ex as well asan employee, then definitely that's something that
you could raise up to your employeror to your manager, because if the
(53:29):
setup could be changed before you know, resorting out to leave from that work,
I would add that you know,raise that up with your manager or
to anyone who would would care tochange something on your you're saying you're supposed
to. You're going to tell yourmanager about your personal situation and tell you
(53:51):
to switch. You tell him himor heart to suit you in a certain
office, but you say the samecompany, yes, if necessary. So
for example, like what you said, it affects productivity, it affects you
emotionally, you're not able to workwell, you don't want to go to
work because you know there's something thatis disturbing you. Then definitely that's something
(54:15):
that you can raise up. Butif you think that your manager doesn't care
and all he or she cares aboutis the profit or that you be productive
at work, then you know youcan resort to the other or the the
worst case, leave the the job. And guys, I just think that
would be weird because now you're takingyour personal issues late to the company.
(54:38):
Oh maybe just do No, Actually, it's not about ditching your co waka.
The situation was you you and youreggs just crossbud in a certain company.
Just find yourself there looking for ajob, and you know, you
(54:58):
get the job. You didn't knowyour ex works there. You just you
know, working and you meet youmeet them on the the company. So
the question was what would be areaction if you continue doing the job or
will you let your personal you know, your personal issues affect that. So
(55:19):
that was the initial. Okay,So if I bum like into my ex
like in a operation, like inan office and he works there, if
I don't have feelings for him,like I just do my work, like
I don't see any problem, butmaybe letter, if you are co workers
working in the same company, itwould be like a weird spot, like
(55:44):
a position that I would be in. But if we just my ex like
we Di did like two or threeyears ago, and you just bump into
this building like we're working there,like I don't think like I'd have an
issue, like just do your work, I'll do money. But question you,
Okay, well what what what ifyou're the hiring manager that company and
(56:08):
your ex ex with his papers andwant to get the job, would you
let your personal you know, yourpersonal issues affect that. I was interviewing
him. Yeah, and you're theone who asks the decision like are you
going to give him the job ornot? Or just going to you know,
(56:30):
it's it's pay back time. Justyou can't see. So what would
you do if he hurts me?I'd make him miserable. I'm just doing
I wouldn't that's evil. I wouldn'tdo that. I wouldn't do that,
but it would be tempting, especiallyif they had my feelings. So I
(56:52):
just interview them and if they passed, they do plus the my eggs.
So I don't have any feelings forthem. Yeah, okay, but you
know there would be that voice inyour head just don't give him the job.
Don't do it? Oh what wouldyou daisy? I honestly would feel
(57:17):
like it's giving them the job.I will might give them, but I
will need to be happy about gettingthe job with my compani. Yeah,
especially if it did hurt you prettybad, right, h Because every time
(57:38):
you see them, remind you ofthe time they it's pretty bad time.
That would be my reaction. Mokay, So guys, it's almost time.
So any final words? Uh?In me inside? You know what
(58:02):
to our listeners as we wind up? Go ahead? I am able to
(58:22):
think well first. So my opinionand my advice for people is, if
you still have lingering feelings for youreggs. I don't jump into another relationship
thinking that maybe you could get backlike he would live like his partner,
(58:46):
or just come back to you,try to make him jealous or something,
because you're the only one who's goingto end upart and you may be making
the worst decision maybe in your life. Like in this case, what like
what Rachel did was not cool.So yeah, that's my advice. Just
(59:06):
taken to process things, heal.Then after you've healed, then maybe you
can proceed to search for love.Yeah mm hmm, minus this, you
know, as we end, aswe wrap up, my expectation, my
(59:27):
encouragement is for those people who arestill dealing with their past, is that
for them to live in the lightinstead of living in the shadow. So
that's for me, that's interesting,Daisy, I have something to our least
to tell them a listener. Yeah, your ex just remania X. Don't
(59:50):
go back talking to them because youknow feelings might come up again. So
that's all that I have to say. As we see me, it's about
time we are excess for a reason. Definitely stay out, stay out of
(01:00:14):
relationships if you are still healing fromfrom another. So okay, for me,
I would say like this, timingis crucial and anything you want to
say. And you know, thesediscussions about your past, your excess,
(01:00:35):
I think they are best had whenthe relationship has reached a level of trust
and commitment. And you know,it's important to approach these conversations with sensitivity
considering your partner. You react,you know, with the desire to create
(01:00:55):
a healthy future together, and soto disclose or not to disclose is a
delicate balance because, uh, youwant to be transparent with your partner,
and you know it's a good thing. But you know, as I said
earlier, you have to time andtime how how you're going to tell them
(01:01:19):
everything, and you know you haveto consider the emotional readiness for both partners
and to approach their conversation empathy.That's just for me, and you know,
it's time to say goodbye. Andthat's thanks again guys for being part
(01:01:42):
of We Talk with the Engineer andwe can't wait to have you back on
the next episode. Until then,bye,
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My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.