Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Am I wrong for choosing not to partake in the
Christmas festivities with my partner's relatives and not including him
in my family's holiday gathering United States and currently a
second year university student in the UK. My boyfriend, twenty
three m is British, recently finished his master's and is
now working. We've been dating for ten months and he's
(00:21):
my first boyfriend. He's been nothing but understanding, kind and
supportive throughout our relationship. I've met his parents and siblings
twice and both times were wonderful. His mom even told
him she thinks I'm the one. In late November, he
asked if I'd like to spend Christmas with his family.
He said every one would love to have me there,
(00:42):
and I thought it was sweet, but I declined. I've
been feeling homesick and wanted to spend Christmas, a holiday
that means a lot to me, with my family in
South Dakota. When I told him, he seemed aloof for
a few days. I went to his flat later to
reassure him that I'd love to visit his family another time,
but for me, Christmas is a family holiday. I now
(01:05):
realize how that would have sounded dismissive. He looked hurt
and asked, do you still love me and arn I
your family. I reassured him that I do love him,
and things seemed fine after that. About a week later,
he surprised me by showing me a flight he booked
to South Dakota for Christmas. Flights to South Dakota are expensive,
(01:25):
especially internationally, and while the gesture was touching, I thought
it was impulsive and unwise. I told him it wasn't
a good idea. For the first time. He got really upset,
accusing me of not caring about him, not being serious
about us, and thinking only of myself, all of which
are untrue. I love him and value our relationship deeply.
(01:47):
Knowing he was speaking out of hurt, I asked him
to take a walk to cool off. When he returned,
I explained that he meant everything, but I wasn't ready
for him to meet my family. To be honest, I'm
nervous about how much my family would react. I'm white,
he's Arab, and my family in rural South Dakota is
not exposed to diversity. They've made ignorant racist comments in
(02:10):
the past. While they'd likely be polite to his face.
I fear they might say something offensive or jokingly inappropriate.
They also assume arab equal's Muslem, even though he's Christian.
This ignorance embarrasses me, and I don't want to put
him in a situation where he might be hurt. I
didn't tell him any of this, though. Instead I said
(02:31):
I felt it was too soon to bring some one home,
as in my family that's often a precursor to engagement,
which is true. He asked if he wasn't good enough,
and I reassured him that he's perfect. He then mentioned
that the tickets were non refundable. I started crying, apologizing
for wasting his money and saying how much I wanted
him there, just not right now. He asked me to
(02:54):
leave and said he needed space. I flew back home
nearly a week ago, and since then we've only had
brief phone conversations. He still texts me I love you
and good night, but he's clearly distant and hurt. I
don't know if there's anything I can do to fix
this or reassure him. So AI t verdict asshole. Editor's note.
(03:16):
Op received mixed reactions of Ya's and NTA's WHITEA was
based on the details where Oop was not clearing up
regarding racism issues from her family and their background. NTA
was for what Op did, as her relationship isn't even
a year yet. Relevant comments Commenter one Whitia, your family
(03:37):
is pretty racist and you might as well tell him
that now. Their reaction is going to be the same
if you brought him there now or five years from now.
Your intent is selfish in nature. You're not protecting him,
You're protecting yourself from the criticism you're going to get.
He's hurt. Now, Wait till he meets your parents and
realizes you kept such a massive thing a secret. OP.
(03:59):
My immediate family, mom, dad, and sister are very open
and totally fine with me dating him. It's my extended
family grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am extremely worried about.
Commenter two, No one is an asshole. I'm ow, but
you've both made big errors. Buying a non refundable international
(04:21):
flight without telling you is very unwise. Like you said,
but you're not being a good partner by hiding the
truth about your family from him. You're nineteen, so I'm
not going to say y ta, but this is an
asshole move. He deserves to know your true motivations. I'm
sure he would understand if you just explained it kindly.
Nearly everyone has experiences with ignorant family. Did you even
(04:44):
tell your family about where he's from though, oh OPI
My entire family knows his race. My immediate family, parents
and sister are in full support and it doesn't bother
them at all. My extended family grandma, aunts, uncles, and
cousins have already made racist remarks about him. Most of
them they tried to pass off as jokes. Comment her three.
(05:08):
Do you push back against that? Have you made it
clear to them that this is serious and they need
to cut it out. Unless you're planning to go low
contact with your family and live in the UK full time,
this isn't going to end well. Trying to just push
the meeting off into the future, oh OPI my boyfriend
and I want to live together in the UK once
(05:29):
I graduate. My family doesn't know this yet, and I
think this would be another reason to get mad at him.
They were already livid about me going to another country
for UNI. As for their racism, I have told them
I didn't appreciate it, but most of the comments I
have heard through my sister after they happened. Comment her
four bold of him to book non refundable plane tickets
(05:51):
without talking to you pretty huge red flag tb H.
You've been together ten months. He needs to chill the
fuck out. This seems controlling and clingy. When you get back,
you need to be honest with him that you weren't
sure your family would behave and also that you felt
him buying tickets was presumptive and moving too fast. You're nineteen,
(06:14):
you don't need to rush things, and he needs to
respect your boundaries. O P. Thank you so much. This
was really helpful. Update one. My boyfriend twenty three M
and I nineteen f have been dating for ten months now.
He's from the UK, where I study at university, and
I am currently back in the USA for winter break.
(06:37):
I made a horrible mistake about how I handled his
invitation to Christmas, refusing to let him come to mine.
In another Reddit post of mine yesterday, I decided to
call him and try to fix things since what I
did was so wrong. I explained my family's issues with racism,
He's Jordanian and I'm white, and how I was wanting
to protect him and trying to handle my family's problems
(06:57):
before he gets introduced. I acknowledged that I should have
told him and handed it poorly, but would be honest
with him from now on. I also told him that
I had a conversation with my family about my relationship
and told them any racist behavior from their end would
be completely unacceptable. Initially, he was understanding of my situation.
(07:18):
He said, my family didn't change the way he felt
or viewed me. He was glad I was honest, and
he apologized for his reactions earlier. After a while, he
said that after what happened, we should lay some ground
rules for each person in our relationship. I thought it
was going to be things like honesty, trust, consideration, et cetera. Instead,
(07:38):
he literally gave me things I must do in order
for this relationship to be successful. Firstly, he told me
I couldn't make decisions about things without him. First, he
basically said that relationships require sacrifice and compromise, and with
big things such as Christmas, vacations, et cetera, I would
need him to be okay with me doing these things.
(08:00):
He said it was childish of me to be in
the habit of doing whatever I want. Secondly, he told
me I should distance myself from my family. I actually
understand his reasoning here, considering how some of them are
racist and not great people. I told him it was
complicated because I still love them despite this, which might
make me just as bad. Not sure, I could still
(08:23):
see where he was coming from, so I told him
that if they ever made a racist comment about any
one in front of me, I would try to educate,
and if that didn't work, I would distance myself. He
then said I was playing middleman and that was unfair
to him. He said, in a few years, when we
get married, would have to make the choice. He finally
told me he wants my location at all times and
(08:44):
wants me to go low contact with my male friends,
most of which are gay. Anyways, I told him a
lot of these rules seemed over the top and in
the most patronizing tone. He said, you've never been in
a relationship before, and I'm older than you, so you
should listen the moment he said that, I thought it
didn't sound like him at all. Most of the time,
he is the most easy going and relaxed person, so
(09:06):
I couldn't believe it. I told him I didn't appreciate
being talked to like a child, and if he wanted
to be some one's father, then he should look for
another person. He said that while he still forgave me
for what I did earlier, my behavior was a testament
to how immature I am. He then said we would
continue this conversation another time and hung up before we
could even say good bye. I feel like I partially
(09:29):
caused this shift in his behavior by inadvertently making him
insecure because of my refusal to let him come before this,
He was honestly the last person I would ever consider
getting insecure. He is very good looking, has a good career,
and has always been confidence, so I would never think
he would act this way. It breaks my heart to
know that I caused his actions and want to know
(09:51):
how I can convince him to let go of the
rules so things can go back to the way they were,
or Ada for declining to follow the rules and should
I just follow them forward slash forward, slash at it.
I've been in this relationship for ten months and really
do love him. I told my friends the things he said,
and they've reiterated the points made here. But I guess
it's hard for me to wrap my head around how
(10:12):
he could go from such a good guide to this.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but please
be mindful that it's a lot more difficult for me
to look at this objectively. Second edit. I appreciate every
one's comments and support. I have read every single comment
and have thought about my relationship all afternoon. I cried
when I realized I must end things. I will be calling,
(10:34):
texting him tomorrow morning and breaking up relevant comments. What
is O O P's boyfriend's religion and his family's background
in u K? O O P. He's not Muslem, but Christian,
and his family has lived in the UK for three generations.
Comment her one O P. I'm going to be brutally
honest here, even if I get down voted to hell,
(10:56):
keep in mind I've read your first post one dash.
He from a misogynistic culture, even if he's not Muslim,
and it's showing why. Ay he got angry because you
chose your birth family for Christmas, even though you guys
haven't been together, not even for one year. B he
inserted himself in your holidays with those tickets he bought.
(11:18):
That was controlling and intrusive, not caring. He now just
because you didn't really told him why you didn't want
him there to not hurt him. He's taking that as
a green flag to call you immature and assume an
even more controlling stance. D. He's already used manipulation. Don't
you love me? Two? There's plenty of suffering in your
(11:40):
future if you remain with this guy. This has only
just begun. Leave him and spare yourself or regret it later.
The choice is yours. Oh thank you. I have really
absorbed everything you said and what others have said, and
am going to break things off. I am not sure
(12:00):
if I should until I am back so it's in person,
or if I should just do it over the phone.
It feels me to just break up over the phone.
And since our relationship is long term, shouldn't I just
do it when I get back. Does O O P
live with her BF? And what do her friends think
of the relationship altogether? Oh? O O P. We don't
(12:20):
live with each other. Sometimes I stay over at his flat,
but I live in my uni accommodation. My friends in
the UK really like him. We've been to the pub
together as a huge group and it's always been a
lot of fun. He's very kind and funny, so they've
never had issues with him. My friends in the u
S didn't mind him until this entire thing happened, since
(12:43):
they never met him in person. I would send photos
of us an SS of our texts, and they all
would say how in love we looked Before this, he
was legitimately perfect. I met him in my university's cafe,
where he bought me coffee and chatted with me up.
He was so charismatic and made me feel so special,
always remembering little details and giving me random surprise gifts.
(13:06):
He seriously has never been this uptight before. The only
thing he did was express concern over a few of
my male friends, but I assured him they were gay
or they didn't have feelings for me, and he let
it go. Commenter two o P. This is classic controlling behavior.
He is trying to isolate you from your family. I
haven't read your other post yet, but it looks like
(13:28):
they are inadvertently giving him the right tools to do so,
from your friends and basically everything that would provide you
a place of refuge and shelter if you ever have
to leave him this whole. I am older, so you
must listen would not fly even if he was ten
years older. But he is fucking twenty three, that is
four years older than you. He still is a fucking
immature child. Maybe not legally, but certainly from the way
(13:51):
he acts. What are the rules for him? What are
the sacrifices he makes? Right now, all I can see
is him trying to basically make all decisions for you
and make him totally dependent on you while he gives
up nothing n TA. And when you go back to
the UK, politely tell him to fuck the hell off.
Commenter three. O P. You didn't cause him to be
(14:14):
like this. It was already there and he latched onto
the first mistake you made to show his true colors.
He's using your guilt to manipulate you and control you
and make it your fault. This was always what was
going to happen. Nothing you did or didn't do was
going to prevent it. You're nineteen. You just got done
being a child who had to listen to their parents.
(14:35):
This is the time for you to make your own decisions,
be independent in you do what you want within reason. O.
B V's don't stay in this relationship. It's not going
to end well for you. If he's already this controlling
after ten months. Update two. Hey everyone, I wanted to
update on my previous two posts. I received great advice
(14:57):
from a lot of people, and it immensely helped me
try to have valuate our relationship. I texted my friends
about the situation and they also agreed he sounded overbearing.
About an hour ago, I ended things for good. I
texted him yesterday afternoon that I thought we should have
a serious discussion about our relationship. He said we should
wait until we have both cooled off from our conversations earlier,
(15:20):
so I suggested tomorrow. He sent me his usual good
night and I love you texts, which kind of broke me.
His horrible behavior didn't erase ten months of love that
I feel for him, and it almost felt like betraying
him saying the same things back when I knew what
I was going to do in the morning. Here's kinda
a summarized version of the call. It was over an hour,
(15:41):
so I condensed it as much as I could, and
I tried to write it as quickly as the call
ended so I wouldn't forget Anyways. When I called him,
he seemed very normal and calm. We talked for ten minutes,
just about how things were going and stuff. Then I
basically told him that I didn't want to do this,
but I thought it would be best if we broke up.
I said that we probably expected different things from our
(16:03):
partners and I couldn't do what he wanted from me.
After I said that, he sat in silence for like
a minute. I thought the call had dropped, but then
he said he was processing what I said. He asked
me if this was revenge for what he said two
days ago, and I said no, just a realization of incompatibility.
He then said he wasn't going to change his mind
(16:25):
on his boundaries and me giving him an ultimatum was manipulative.
I told him that this wasn't an ultimatum. It was
going to happen. He then kept repeating what the fuck
my name and then told me I didn't mean it.
He asked me if I loved him still, and I
said yes, and then he said he knows I'll come back.
(16:45):
I said this was it. He said something about how
we need each other and went on a rant, but
I don't remember that much of it because I was
crying at that point. I cut him off at the
end and just said goodbye. He said he would never
forgive me and I would never see him again since
he was that awful, and then hung up. I immediately
blocked his number, WhatsApp, Snapchat, and Insta. I do not
(17:10):
think he will have another way of contacting me. I
do not think he will seek me out or anything,
so I'm not too worried about that. My university accommodation
also has front desk security and you can't get in
without a key card. Thanks again everyone. Edit His mom
just texted me saying she was the way they did,
(17:30):
but she wishes me all the best. Minor update one
of his friends tried adding me on Snapchat for some reason.
Don't know if it's him using his friend's account. His
friend wants to know what happened or a coincidence. He
added me right when this unfolded. Relevant comments Commenter one NTA,
You did the right thing. When you get back, make
(17:52):
sure to inform campus Accommodations that this person is not
allowed to contact you, or visit you or anything. He
also might try to see you in the buildings where
you have your lectures if those are accessible, or places
where you shop or like to eat. For the next
few weeks. See if you can mostly socialize in groups
and with friends avoid being alone. Goop, thank you. Most
(18:15):
of the buildings require an ID to get into. Commenter
two n t A. Please please, please be careful when
you return to the UK, get help to watch your back.
He is not done and he does not accept this
is over. He sees you as the dumb, immature, inexperienced
girl he can mold and control the way he wants.
(18:37):
No way will he give this up easily without fighting. Boop.
Thanks for your advice. I have talked to a lot
of my friends in the UK and I am going
to stay close to them for a while when I
get back. Commenter three n t A. Setting boundaries and
then actually enforcing them is an important life skill