Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, mister Redder here, welcome back to another episode
of Reddit podcast Stories. Our first story will be reading today.
My long lost daughter is demanding I pay for her college.
After that, am I the jerk for ruining a proposal
at a wedding? And after that, sister in law gives
me unwonted parenting advice. Huge mistake. Now, for every thumbs
up this video gets one, Karen has to pay for
(00:22):
her own college. Your mom goes to college. That never
gets old. So please smash that like button and subscribe
and turn on notifications for new stories from Reddit every
single day. My long lost daughter is demanding I pay
for her college. It's been one heck of a month,
so some things I say might not even make sense.
(00:43):
I forty mail recently found out that I have a
kid who will call Jane, who's eighteen. I wasn't convinced
at first, but everything checks out. When she came to me,
she told me that she just wanted to get to
know her father. I wasn't really interested in a relationship,
but I felt it would be cruel and unnecessary to
deny her this. We talked for a while and I
didn't really say much, but it was interesting. So after
(01:06):
we talked for a while, I asked her about her mother, Grace,
who's forty, and she gives me her number. I really
didn't want to have to call her, but I needed answers,
so Grace and I decided to meet up at our
local coffee shop. We have some small talk for a
while before I ask her why she never told me. Silence.
I ask again, silence. I ask a third time, and
(01:27):
she told me that she just didn't want anything to
do with me and wanted to get back at me.
I point out that all she did was deprive her
kid of a father. I asked her when did she
tell Jane. She says at age twelve. So I get confused,
and I'm wondering why she only contacts me now. So
I ask her why. Grace says that she was angry
(01:48):
that I wasn't present in her life. We talk some
more about life before we say goodbye and go our
separate ways. I don't ask Jane why she didn't call sooner,
because she was a hurting teenager and that's life. So
Jane and I spent the next week bonding. Then she
sits down and asks to talk. I say sure, and
I sit down. Then she goes on to explain about
(02:08):
how difficult her life was living in a single parent
household and how money was always tight. Long story short,
she asks me to pay for her university fees. Now
I'm well off enough to pay for it without struggle,
so I asked to see her grades, and to be
truly honest, they weren't very good, not bad, but nothing
to give a second look. I tell her that I'll
(02:29):
think about it, and she says thank you. So here's
where I might be the jerk. I don't want to
pay for the fees because in reality, she's just a
stranger with my DNA and I feel like Jane might
just be using me. I mean, she's had six years
to start a relationship with me and is only doing
so now that she needs money. I just want to
wash my hands clean of her and grace and move
(02:49):
on with my life. I don't want Jane to think
I'm her financial lifeline or anything like that. So Reddit,
am I the jerk? Edit to add some stuff because
of the comments. I did a DNA test. It was
what she wanted me to do to prove herself. Two
child support laws are different in my country in the
sense that A you can't claim unclaimed child support if
(03:11):
you had the option to claim it. B child support
can't be settled after eighteen unless the father knowingly disappeared,
and that would take months to process, let alone prove. Three.
Jane had the ability to contact me. I don't know
how much influence her mother had on her choice, but
I do know that I was a dial away. Four.
I was never mad at Jane for not contacting me.
(03:32):
I knew that she was a hurting teenager who doesn't
know her father and could be scared to do so.
I was confused in the moment, not the jerk, but
neither is Jane. Grace is a tremendous jerk to both
of you. I do encourage you to seriously consider contributing
to Jane's university expenses, not to say you should or
should not contribute, just seriously and honestly consider it. Think
(03:53):
about her position, no father in her life and a
mother who won't answer any questions she's had for the
first twelve years. Then, and who knows what context Grace
gave when she finally did tell her. I'll bet she
never said I told your father about you because I
wanted to spite him, and I didn't care what effect
that had on your childhood, despite that being the truth. Instead,
she undoubtedly made you into the bad guy. Jane had
(04:16):
no way of knowing better, and you should be sympathetic
to that. I don't think you're a jerk no matter
what you decide, Just don't do anything to spite Jane.
She's had enough of that already. There's no reason OP
should need to feel sympathetic or be a jerk for
not being sympathetic here. Jane, while yes is his biological daughter,
is really a stranger and only really reaching out for cash.
(04:39):
This is my view. I'm also forced to wonder how
much contact Jane will keep up after getting a payout.
It's pretty crazy to ask for that kind of money
only a week after meeting not the jerk. Best options are.
All I can give you right now? Is this amount
or I'm sorry. Things may have been different if I
had known I had someone's college to save for, but
(04:59):
I have not prepared for that expense. If she takes
out loans, which it sounds like it's likely, if he
doesn't agree to help for a large portion, he can
always see if she sticks around and actually seems to
want to get to know him without the option of
major financial support, and then choose to pay off some
portion of her loans when they are due down the line,
assuming she continues to make an effort when the possibility
(05:20):
of money isn't a factor. If he says all I
can give you right now is this amount, or I'm sorry,
things may have been different if I had known I
had college to say for she will either react by
cutting contact because she was using him and got to
know and that's the end of it, or she will
stay in contact if she also genuinely wanted to get
to know him. If she stays in meaningful contact and
(05:41):
doesn't make a habit of asking for money or favors,
then maybe he'll help her with her loans down the line.
Once she's no longer a stranger who may or may
not be reaching out just for a money grab, then
he'll be able to have time to see whether her
intentions were mostly good, whether there is a bigger place
to be had in each other's lives, and can get
to know her or find out her true cost without
the pressure of that expectation hanging over them. Alternatively, I
(06:04):
don't think it would be unreasonable to just gently refuse
and cut contact if Opie really wants to. Her mother
had ample time and opportunity to include him in and
prepare him for the responsibility, and she chose not to.
While there's a lot of room to roll with the
situation and see if there's any chance to make up
some of the lost time in bond with her, Ultimately,
her mom made the decision to cut him out until now,
(06:26):
and any fallout from him not contributing or not wanting
to be part of her life after missing her entire
childhood as a result of her choice and her mess
to clean up, if he doesn't want to be part
of their life at all, Yeah, it might feel bad
for him for a while, but it's ultimately not his
fault that he wasn't given the chance to make a
meaningful bond with his kid to feel comfortable dropping large
sums of money on her education. Am I the jerk
(06:49):
for ruining or proposal at a wedding? So I twenty
seven mail? AM a part time DJ. I mostly DJ
for just family and friends. I'm not really a professional,
just do it for a little side cash from time
to time. Last weekend I got invited to DJ on
the cheap. Had a wedding for a friend of a friend.
At the wedding, while everyone was on the dance floor,
one of the guests, who will call Kevin, approached me
(07:12):
and asked if I could play the song Golden Hour.
It was an odd request because at the time all
the guests were literally hopping around and dancing, but I
was told to take all requests, so I did it. Anyways.
When I started playing it, the dance floor started to
clear up, and then Kevin invited a woman onto the
dance floor. They started slow dancing for a bit. A
few people joined them, including the bride in the groom. Then,
(07:35):
at one part of the song, Kevin got down on
one knee and I knew right away that he was
going to propose. I didn't think it was right, especially
because they were in the middle of the dance floor
with all eyes on them, and I kind of felt
like if this happened, I would take the fault because
I was the one who put on the romantic song
out of nowhere. So instead of letting that happen, as
soon as he pulled out the box, I started to
(07:56):
play boogie and turned up the volume instead. After that
Kevin just sigde eyed me and got up and everyone
else sat down. After that, nothing else really happened, and
the tension was very thick. After the wedding. No one
really brought it up, and I obviously thought that I
wasn't the jerk, and the friend that was friends with
the bride said that I wasn't. But then a bunch
(08:17):
of the family started to message me. It turns out
that Kevin was the bride's brother, and the family kept
asking why I did that. I told them that proposing
at someone else's wedding was not appropriate. They told me
that I shouldn't have an opinion because I was just
the DJ. And now Kevin got publicly humiliated because some
people knew this was going to happen, so they were
taking videos and live on Instagram so all their friends
(08:40):
could see. I responded with that would have made the
newlyweds hurt, but then they came back with you shouldn't
have assumed that the bride didn't want that. That part
got me thinking because I was mostly communicating with the
bride about arrangements and she was very chatty before the wedding,
but after that she kept giving me one word answers,
so I assume she's mad at me. But then again,
(09:00):
when she paid me, she almost doubled the amount for
what I was asking for with a generous tip, So
I'm not sure. If the bride actually knew, I think
she would have told me. But am I the jerk
for just assuming eta? A lot of people said to
ask the bride and groom. I did, but like I said,
their answers were vague. Bride said it was fine, but
it was probably just to spare my feelings. I didn't
(09:23):
want to push because she clearly had a lot on
her mind in the moment. If the bride knew this
was going to happen and approved it, she should have
told you beforehand. Going with not the jerk, your heart
was in the right place, protect the bride and groom's day. Yeah,
maybe hindsight is twenty twenty here, But if I'm the
guy proposing, I'm making sure every important person like the
(09:44):
DJ you're requesting a special song from, is in the know.
Make sure one of the bride or groom tells them
that it's chill if the guy uses their wedding as
the spot to propose, Honestly, I'd want both the bride
and groom to tell the DJ together that it's okay.
Maybe I'm just an overanalyzer, but I would be playing
out every possible thing that could ruin the proposal before
actually doing it and making sure those things are figured out.
(10:07):
And if I can't shore it all up that I'm
not proposing agree one hundred percent. If I'm the DJ,
ain't no chance I'm honoring a request like that without
getting verbal, face to face approval from bride in the groom.
And I want a third party witness there to verify,
preferably one of the other vendors. Proposing at someone else's
wedding is very tacky. What if the bride was put
(10:29):
on the spot and she secretly is happy that you
messed it up, takes the pressure off of her and
lets her have her own wedding. I think your bank
account agrees. Not the jerk sister in law gives me
unwonted parenting advice. Huge mistake. I thirty six female, have
a beautiful baby who's ten months old who was christened
last Saturday. My twin and his wife, who's forty one female,
(10:52):
flew in for the christening with my nieces seven and five.
They live in another state, and I paid for their
flights because they live with a modest income and she's
a stay at home mom. The day before the christening,
when they arrived, my son was crying and we tried
his usual self soothing techniques, but he wouldn't stop. My
sister in law said we should just give him his pacifier.
(11:12):
I told her, we don't use pacifiers and he's never
had one. Over the next few days, it was a
similar rodeo baby cry, and we would use self soothing
techniques and sister in law would mention how pacifiers would
soothe them well. After the christening, upon her suggestion once
again to give my crying son a pacifier, I snapped
and in a room full of friends and family, I
(11:33):
said I would never take parenting advice from a forty
one year old woman that still lives on her parents' property,
cannot hold down a job, so she's a stay at
home mom, that my retired parents have to send money
every month to help them make ends meet, and whose
five year old still uses a pacifier to soothe her
self and proudly shows them off. A five year old
whose mouth is so jagged and ruined that she and
(11:56):
my brother will probably have to ask me and my
husband for money for Orthodonic's care because they can't afford it.
She's a prime example of what not to do when
raising kids. Well, obviously, the room was silent and she
ran off crying, and she and my brother left. They
only came back that evening, but she nor my brother
said anything to me. They left the next day to
(12:16):
the airport. My brother said, I have to apologize and
it was unfair of me to throw their finances in
their faces. While I apologized for that, I said I
would not apologize for telling her the fact about my
niece's situation. And I told him that on multiple occasions,
both I and my husband, he's a pediatrician, have warned
them about the negative effects of a pacifier on a kid.
(12:37):
My brother told me to mind my own business, and
I said I gladly would as long as his wife
minds hers. Now my parents are telling me to apologize again. Naturally,
my friends are on my side, So internet am I
the jerk at it one to those saying I'm a
bad parent because my son is constantly crying, he's teething,
and we have various self soothing techniques we use, including
(12:59):
self sis, soothing music, his Sophie classic teething toy, his
soothing support, stuffy, etc. Two. Brother and sister in law
asked husband and I pediatrician and surgeon for medical advice
regarding five year old niece still using pacifiers. We warned
them on multiple occasions about the negative effects of pacifiers
on kids her age. They just failed to implement medical advice. Three.
(13:22):
I do not have a temper. I was very stressed. However,
I will be reaching out to sister in law in
a few days to speak with her directly and apologize
for my hurtful outburst. Four the comments about the finances. Yes,
I am upset because my brother is upset about their
finances and wants her to get a job to help
burden the load. His words, he's in grad school after
(13:43):
a layoff to get a better opportunity for his family.
He wishes she would help. She stopped working six months
into her first pregnancy and never went back. You could
have said thank you for the suggestion, but we choose
not to use pacifiers, and I expect you to respect
our parenting choices even if you make a their choices. Instead,
you dropped a bomb destroying her entire life. You're the jerk. Frankly,
(14:06):
no apology is ever going to repair that kind of
a contemptuous string of insults. If you intended to sever
that relationship, mission accomplished, you're the jerk. It's a pacifier,
and you made that into an opportunity to get dirty
and personal. You went for the jugular over a pacifier.
The criticisms you may do not reflect on her parenting.
(14:27):
They're personal. Yes, a five year old is beyond a pacifier,
but guess what, no parent is perfect. You aren't, and
there will be plenty of people who pass judgment on
you for your choices too. You haven't described any behavioral issues,
just a pacifier and jankie teeth. Your baby doesn't even
have teeth, So what does her employment status, living situation,
and finances have to do with either of your parenting choices.
(14:49):
Saying that she's a prime example of what not to
do in raising kids based solely on socioeconomical factors is
really not cool. It seems like you just don't like
this woman when you were looking for an excuse to
feel justified and making cruel and unnecessary personal insults. You
are horrible to them over tiny comments about a tiny issue.
I can't imagine how nasty you get over actual stuff.
(15:12):
You're the jerk. You're the jerk. You seem oddly proud
of your kid not using a pacifier. Pacifier use is
actually recommended to help prevent sins. Your husband, the pediatrician,
should know this. You're the jerk. Dang girl, you win
full psycho. People are annoying sometimes, family is usually extra annoying.
(15:32):
You don't respond by insulting every facet of someone's life
just for being annoying. I mean, clearly you do, but
that's what makes you the jerk. Here, may I suggest
a pacifier? It may help soothe you in the future.
Not the jerk. Obviously, your sister in law doesn't know
how to read the room, and sister in law owes
you an apology, not the other way around. Sounds like
(15:53):
your parents want to keep the peace at any cost.
Maybe it's time to go low contact with them until
they learn to respect you and your parenting issay. Hopefully
your brother and sister in law will be too embarrassed
to ask you and your husband for any future financial support,
but that's very unlikely because people like them rarely change.
Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think a mom who
has a five year old with messed up teeth from
(16:15):
still using a pacifier as the best place to get
parenting advice. Am I the jerk for not sharing my
inheritance with my sister since she chose to be adopted.
I thirty male, lost my mom when I was five.
Despite being so young, I had very vivid and treasured
memories of my mom. It did not take to my dad,
dating a year after her passing well. My dad recognized
(16:35):
that he knew this would be hard for me, but
said that as the parent slash adult, he knew what
was best, even if it didn't seem that way at first,
and that he had thanked me in the long run.
Not long after that, he married my step mom, Lucy,
and when I began to act out over it, my
dad said that parenting alone was hard and that my sister, Jessica,
who's twenty eight, now needed a mom. My dad even
(16:57):
got my maternal grandparents to tell me that everything would
be fine and how I needed to be a good boy.
That was enough to get me to behave during the wedding,
but once Lucy moved in and started redecorating. I started
acting out again. My dad had had enough and just
started punishing me whenever I acted out or made Lucy
upset as well as us. The Jessica isn't acting out
(17:18):
like this, and to be honest, Jessica was easily pleased
and wasn't old enough to have had the same attachment
to our mom that I did. It really upset me
when Jessica started calling Lucy mom, and it really ticked
me off when Lucy started referring to me as her son.
I always corrected it when she tried that around me.
It got worse when I was eight and Lucy had
her own kids, because then my dad and her started
(17:41):
pushing for adoption. Jessica obviously had no problems with it,
but I refused. My dad had my maternal grandparents come
in again and tell me that adoption wouldn't be that bad,
but I still refused. Lucy and my dad pushed for
the adoption anyway, and thankfully the judge listened to my
feelings in a private room and I did after that,
(18:01):
therapy started, but it didn't last. So they also tried
the since you don't want to be part of this family,
you don't get this, or you can't come to this.
But I was too stubborn for that method to work
on me. The only one who I felt was on
my side was my paternal aunt, who kept sticking up
for me whenever she could see what Lucy and my
dad were trying to do, so when I turned eighteen,
(18:22):
I went straight to her. It was when I became
a legal adult that my maternal grandparents confessed that they
were never okay with the situation, but my dad threatened
to keep me and my sister away if they didn't
show support. I was furious, so furious that I had
my surname legally changed to my mom's maiden name, as
I wanted nothing to do with my dad and only
ever really talked to my paternal aunt. Fast forward to now,
(18:45):
and my grandma has passed. Grandpa passed in twenty twenty,
and according to their will, only their legal grandchildren are
to split the two hundred and fifty thousand dollars inheritance.
And since Jessica's legally Lucy's daughter, all she got was
a framed photo my mom and the letter. Jessica doesn't
think it's fair and thinks I should share, but I
told her to get money from her legal grandparents. My
(19:08):
aunt thinks I'm being a bit harsh, So am I
the jerk? Eta? Because someone asked, it had been two
years since the last time she had spoken to either
of my grandparents. While she frequently called and interacted with
Lucy's parents, Jessica was never close to my mom's side
of the family because she'd rather spend time with Lucy's
family and or didn't want to hurt their feelings. Eta
(19:29):
too again, since someone asked. When Lucy moved in, she
and my dad took down all of my mom's pictures
and got rid of her things. I wasn't allowed to
keep any pictures in my room, and I would catch
heat if I tried to celebrate my mom's birthday morn
on the anniversary of her passing and get punished if
I didn't celebrate Mother's Day the way Lucy wanted me to. So, yeah,
(19:49):
she wasn't this saint of a woman who stepped in
when my mom wasn't there. Edit three, because I'm starting
to see the same thing. I don't blame Jessica for
choosing to be adopted. Now I'm angry at her belief
that she should get any money from my grandparents, despite
never showing an interest in having a relationship with them.
Once she was eighteen, they reached out numerous times, but
(20:09):
she never bothered yet has the belief that she's entitled
to their money. That's what ticked me off. Two, my
mom has a sister who also had kids. I'm not
getting the full two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Three. No,
I don't expect anyone from Lucy's side to leave me anything,
nor would I demand Jessica to share. It would be
completely hypocritical. Not the jerk. Interesting how she only wants
(20:33):
to be family now that money is involved, Not the jerk.
Your grandparents had plenty of time to change their will.
They use the specific term legal grandkids for a specific reason,
because they wanted you to inherit from them. They assume
Lucy will inherit from her other grandparents, and she probably will,
or if your dad is still sore, you may be
excluded from his will, and they wanted to make sure
(20:55):
you were adequately covered. Okay, so a few things here.
And firstly, you seem incredibly immature and I had to
genuinely do a double take at the end to check
your age, because this post seems like it was written
by a sixteen year old. Secondly, an instances where a
kid is adopted by someone such as a stepmother, then
grandparents' rights can actually be established in the courts for
(21:16):
things like visitation. Also, your grandparents treated her like theirs,
even if they didn't have a great relationship for their
whole lives. My thoughts would be that if the will
were to be contested by your sister, then she would
have a decent chance of success. You seem incredibly bitter
that your sister, who has only ever known one mother,
chose to be adopted by her, which, on the face
of it, seems like a good thing. You pride yourself
(21:38):
on acting out against Lucy and hating her referring to
you as her son, even though legally she was acting
as your parent. Jessica was six when she showed an
openness to being adopted by the only mother she's ever known,
and clearly you still can't stand her for it. That's
genuinely one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. Has
it ever occurred to you that your grandparents were actually
okay with it? But then out of spite to your dad. Afterwards,
(22:01):
they said they weren't. That's a distinct possibility. You say
that Jessica got a framed photo of my mom but
utterly failed to see that my mom was also Jessica's mom.
Legal adoption after the passing of a parent is very
different to people who are adopted through the system. So
to speak, everyone sucks here, apart from Jessica, but especially you.
(22:22):
You can't stand your dad for moving on and bringing
what sounds like a nice person into you and your
sister's life. Your dad doesn't sound amazing by any means,
but I honestly would take what your grandparents said about
him with a pinch of salt. Am I the jerk
for telling my husband my kids will not be supporting
my step son at sports games anymore. My husband and
I have been married for six years and together for eight.
(22:44):
He has a fifteen year old son, Lucas. Lucas mother
passed when he was five years old. I came into
our marriage with Brynn, who is eleven now, and Miley,
who is nine. Together, my husband and I have Alec,
who is five. So Brinn and Miley are Lucas stepsisters
and Alec. His half brother. Lucas has this trinket box
with a couple of small trinkets inside of it that
(23:05):
his mom left for him when she passed. He keeps
it in his room mostly, but he likes to sometimes
walk around with it in his hand. I've always told
my kids it is not theirs. They are not to
touch it unless Lucas says they can, and they cannot
pester him about it. When we first got married, Miley
was really fascinated with it and did want to touch it,
but I nipped that in the bud since it was
so special. Regarding the dynamic, Lucas is very closed off
(23:28):
from me and the kids. I've always done my best
to bond with him, but he is so withdrawn around me,
and therapy, which we did when we first got married,
did not get us onto a path of being close though.
I never expected to be his mom, and I don't
want that considered. About a month ago, we were having
dinner and my husband cracked a joke that Lucas seemed
to care more about the trinket box than us. After
(23:50):
Lucas refused to let Alec get a closer look at it,
Lucas said very seriously, that the box meant more than
me and the kids, and he would gladly trade us
to save the box if anything happened to it. My
husband was shocked Lucas spoke so seriously, and the girls
got upset about it. Alec wasn't paying attention when it
was said. My husband took Lucas's side to speak with him,
(24:11):
and I spoke to the girls. They told me Lucas
had said that before that he would trade our lives
to save his box, that we'd better hope he's never
asked to save one of us or the box, because
the box would win. He said this to them on
a few occasions over a period of time. They never
told me because they didn't know how to bring it up.
He told Alec the same as well. My husband said
(24:32):
Lucas would need some therapy because he saw nothing wrong
with saying that honestly. I told him he was saying
it and more to the kids when we didn't overhear.
My husband said therapy would get to the bottom of things.
A few days later, Lucas is telling Brenn he'd save
his friends over the box, but not her. I told
my husband about it, and he said it would be
mentioned to the therapist. He had a consultation with one
(24:55):
the next day. Lucas argued that he didn't need therapy,
and just because he doesn't care about us or our
lives doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. I told
my husband that given lucas attitude towards the kids, they
will no longer show up to cheer him on at
any of his sports games. Are the like. My husband
argued that we're still a family. I told him my
kids do not need to cheer on the boy who
(25:15):
has told them to their faces multiple times that their
lives are meaningless to him. My husband thinks I'm overreacting
and I would be wrong to do this. Am I
the jerk? Why does the topic of saving someone over
the box keep popping up like that? Everyone sucks here
except the kids honestly, and sounds like a toxic environment
was brought by the adults. Your husband's comment during dinner
(25:37):
should never have happened. Why would you ask something like
that to a teenager who's clearly missing his mother. Therapy
is not going to change the fact that the fifteen
year old misses his mother, does not see you and
your kids as his family, and that you actually don't
know what he would do if a crazy scenario actually happened.
I could tell you that if there was a fire,
I would risk my life to save a stranger. But
(25:58):
the truth is I've never actually been in this situation
and i don't know how I would react. And I'm
thirty two years old. Your step son is just fifteen.
Just leave him alone and let your kids have the
choice to go or not to his games. Op. Apparently
he wanted my kids to know their place and to
not get the idea that they mean anything to him.
(26:18):
His words, they say, it always came out of nowhere,
though the time at dinner, My husband definitely brought it
on by making that awful joke. Think instead of react.
It's been long enough. He's forgetting. He's forgetting smells, looks, memories.
He's maybe even forgetting what he felt. And he's doing
this to convince himself how much she meant to him.
(26:38):
What do you and your husband do to keep his
memories alive? Pictures of his mom should be everywhere. If
there's a box with things of hers in it, sit
down with him, tell him you know you will never
replace her. But the thing about her love is. It's
not a limited resource. There's enough love to go around.
Explain when you had your second kid, you didn't love
your first ones any less. Start opening the bar at
(27:00):
this point. Explain to him, your heart just made room
for more, just like your heart has made room for him.
Somebody's been watching a few too many Hallmark movies. Start
opening the box at this point. Absolutely, do not do this.
Am I the jerk for opting out of my best
friend's wedding because they didn't invite my girlfriend. I'm twenty
(27:21):
eight male. My childhood best friend, Brad, who's also twenty eight,
is getting married in late May to Vicky, who's twenty six.
A week ago on Easter, I received his wedding invitation,
which only listed my name but not my girlfriend, Mary,
who's twenty eight. For context, Brad, Mary and I have
known each other since high school. We were in the
same friend group. Mary and I live around two hours
(27:43):
away from Brad and Vicki. Because Mary is a nurse,
she doesn't always have the time to visit Brad and
Vicki with me, so I go alone most of the time,
but when she's able to, she'll join me. Mary has
met Vicky and seen her around ten times in the
past four years that Vicky has been with Brad. Mary
and I have been together for six years total, and
we do plan on getting engaged and married once we
(28:03):
are more financially settled. So I asked Brad if Mary
is invited and they just forgot to mention her name,
to which he replied that Vicky is very strict about
some rules, and in order to cut down costs, she's
enforcing a no ring, no bring rule for the wedding.
So since Mary is just a girlfriend and doesn't have
a ring to imply some formality, then she's not invited.
(28:25):
I reminded Brad that Mary and I have been together
longer than he's been with Vicky, and that Mary is
also his friend, not just my partner. He says he
knows and tried to talk Vicky out of it, but
she's very strict with that. I let it go, and
I was in a dilemma about whether I should go
to the wedding or not because of that. Mary told
me she's not happy about the situation, but I should
(28:45):
go to avoid more drama. So I called them to
tell them I'll attend. Vicky picked up the phone and
said she's sorry about making me uncomfortable by not inviting Mary,
but these are the rules. I said, I respect the rules.
I'm not necessarily happy about it, though. She then for
some reason started being harsh about how Mary and I
are not in a serious enough relationship if, after knowing
(29:06):
each other for so long and being together for six years,
were not engaged yet, and joked that, after all, you
never know what tomorrow brings, and I could break up
with Mary any time since we haven't shown any signs
of true commitment. I confronted her and told her that
it's not her place to validate Mary and I's relationship,
and that it's really low of her to use a
dumb rule, just as shame and micromanage long term couples who,
(29:28):
for whatever reason, haven't gotten married yet. I said, I'll
pass after all and not attend the wedding. She and
Brad said I'm disrespecting them and their choices by choosing
Mary over their wedding day, and I said, I don't care.
Keep your rules and I'll keep my relationship because it's
more important than any exclusive rules that only exist in
order to shame people. I've been receiving a lot of
(29:49):
backlash from other friends for that choice, who said, I'm
the jerk for being so bitter about something so small,
but to me, it's not small. They invalidated Mary and
our relationship, not the jerk. What is stupid rule and
stupid in this instance for many reasons. First of all,
Mary and Brad were in the same high school friend group,
so it could easily be argued that she could be
(30:11):
invited purely based on being his friend and totally independent
of her relationship with you. Second, using marriage as a
barometer of commitment is insane, so by Bride's logic, if
cousin Chad got drunk in Vegas and married the girl
he's been dating for two weeks, she would get an invite,
while your girlfriend over six years would not. That's so dumb.
To top all of this off, you were initially willing
(30:33):
to let it go and just come anyhow, but then
Bride had to double down and insult your relationship to
your face. That just sucks. Groom needs to step up
and be a good friend and tell Bride she's being ridiculous.
My boyfriend played video games the whole night, so I left,
so I'm twenty nine female, and my boyfriend is thirty.
He's a gamer, and don't get me wrong, I play
(30:54):
video games myself and really enjoy spending my time playing
video games. But since my boyfriend lives quite far away,
we only see each other once a week. That's our
quality time together. Yesterday, I worked the whole day, went
to the gym, and then drove over to my boyfriend's house.
I arrived there at a seven ish. When I came in,
he was playing video games with his friends. No biggie.
(31:15):
I told him I'm going to take a shower and
beat right out. When I came back, he wasn't playing
anymore and instead asked if I'm hungry and wanted to
order some food. I thought he stopped playing and we're
going to spend some time together now, but no, he
ordered food and went right back to gaming. At about
nine ish, our food arrived, he was still playing, fixed
myself a plate, sat down to eat. He didn't join me.
(31:38):
After I finished, I just got my stuff and told
him I'm gonna leave because I'm not spending my evening
watching him play video games. He finally took off his
headset and told me, well, you could have said something
I was about to stop. Anyways, I told him that
I feel like it's common sense to not be playing
video games when your girlfriend visits you and left. I
was there for two hours and the whole time he
(31:59):
was playing. He hasn't tried to contact me in any
way since. When I left. It looked like he was
super upset, but he immediately started talking to his friends
again before I was even out the door. And to
be honest, I didn't feel like a jerk then and
I don't feel like one now. But the more I
talk to my friends about it, the more I feel
like I should have said something. Maybe to some people,
it's not obvious that someone wouldn't want to watch them
(32:21):
play video games the whole night. I mean it should be,
and maybe it isn't. Not the jerk. See with me,
I'm the gamer, and my boyfriend isn't playing video games
and talking to your friends while your girl friend sits
next to you waiting for you to finally notice her.
That's a major jerk move. Good on you. You left,
Hope you had a nice evening without him. And somehow,
(32:41):
whenever you say something about someone's gaming habits, it's always well,
I was about to turn it off anyways. Support our
channel by joining as a member to day and we'll
give you a shout out in our next video. Or
come watch this video next. You won't believe what Karen
does in that one.