August 19, 2025 • 18 mins
In this episode of Smith's on Demand, we break down the 10 major red flags that reveal when your partner may not be the right long-term fit. From elusive commitment to love bombing and controlling behavior, we highlight the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of a toxic relationship. These insights will help you identify unhealthy patterns early so you can make better decisions in your love life. Whether you’re dating now or preparing for the future, this conversation is packed with wisdom to protect your heart and your peace. Make sure to also check out our related episode on how to know if you’re dating your future spouse!
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction to Toxic Relationships
00:33 Sign 1: Elusive Commitment
02:54 Sign 2: Draining Time Together
04:34 Sign 3: Keeping Score and Resurfacing Issues
05:44 Sign 4: Toxic Communication
08:07 Sign 5: Walking on Eggshells
10:42 Sign 6: Controlling, Jealous, or Manipulative Behavior
12:47 Sign 7: Emotional Rollercoaster
14:05 Sign 8: Being Kept Hidden
15:23 Sign 9: Love Bombing
16:37 Sign 10: Avoiding Future Conversations
17:56 Conclusion and Next Steps
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@relationshiprestored - https://www.instagram.com/relationshiprestored/
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction to Toxic Relationships
00:33 Sign 1: Elusive Commitment
02:54 Sign 2: Draining Time Together
04:34 Sign 3: Keeping Score and Resurfacing Issues
05:44 Sign 4: Toxic Communication
08:07 Sign 5: Walking on Eggshells
10:42 Sign 6: Controlling, Jealous, or Manipulative Behavior
12:47 Sign 7: Emotional Rollercoaster
14:05 Sign 8: Being Kept Hidden
15:23 Sign 9: Love Bombing
16:37 Sign 10: Avoiding Future Conversations
17:56 Conclusion and Next Steps
Follow Us:
@breannaaponte - https://www.instagram.com/breannaaponte/
@itsdresmith - https://www.instagram.com/smithsondemand/
@smithsondemand - https://www.instagram.com/smithsondemand/
@relationshiprestored - https://www.instagram.com/relationshiprestored/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Smith's on Demand.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
This is another couch conversation where we are sharing ten
ways to know the person you're dating is toxic and
not a good long term fit. I always like to say,
if the person is not your person, you're one person
closer to the person that is. And so it is
very important to find out early on if someone is
or isn't for you. And although we have been in
a healthy relationship for eight years, we definitely have been
(00:24):
through our share of bad relationships, especially your girl right here. Okay,
so I definitely know a lot about toxic relationships and
we are excited to share these ten steps with you.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Yep. So number one, the commitment is elusive. Are we
in something? Are we not? I'm not sure. I think
they like me, but I don't know if they want
something long term.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Or here's my favorite, oh we he just got a
really bad relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Or he's still not over his set.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
There's so many things, like we talk about it in
our video the seven ways to know the person you're
dating is your husband's wife. You should definitely check that out.
You should not be guessing if the person wants to
be with you or if you bring it up and
there's all these excuses about like why they can and
cannot actually be committed to you. It's like, that's a
(01:15):
sign that this may not be a long term fit
for you, because I'm not gonna lie. Like most people
know early on, not that even that this person might
be their husband or wife, but they know early on
if I want to seriously pursue this person and see
if they are somebody that I want to spend the
rest of my life with.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I know.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
We had one example of a friend. I remember this
friend that Bree had. She was telling her all these
bad things about this guy that she was dating, and
then she was actually in person with them both one time,
and she asked a guy like, why won't you commit
to my friend? And he was like, I don't want
the accountability and the responsibility of being in a relationship.
(01:54):
And it was like, I don't think that's the person
for you, right, but she was You're still question it,
like thinking that maybe it could be something else. So
it's like if you have to question it constantly and
you don't know, like if somebody asks you and you
don't know, but you're doing all these things as if
you're in a relationship, it's probably not built for the
(02:17):
long term.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
If somebody says they don't like labels, listen, we are grown, Okay,
we need clarity.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
It's not about labels.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It is about being an adult and having a clear
responsibility to someone because that is what you have decided
you want to have.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
And I think the issue is a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Want what comes with the relationship, but they don't want
the accountability of what it takes to maintain that relationship.
And so if a man or a woman is wavering
on whether or not they're ready to put a title
on it, baby, call your mama.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
I don't know. Look, it's not making sense. Okay, So
for sure that is sign number one.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Number two time together drains you instead of uplifts you.
I have noticed that with girls we use this as
a common factor for deciding who we are going to befriend,
where if you're around someone and all they're doing is
constantly complaining, talking about their problems but never coming up
with solutions or saying they're going to do something and
never doing it, spending the whole time talking about themselves,
(03:18):
not checking with you, not being intentional, and we slowly
start to detach and create space between that front. Well,
why do we have such a problem doing that when
it comes to romantic relationships.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
I don't get it. I don't get it either.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
I mean, it should be a refreshing time, a refilling time,
Like when I have a hard day at work, it's
like I can't wait to take a load off, sit
down with my wife, watch something, Let's go on a walk,
let's do dinner, Like that's my time to refresh, and
at that time is draining. It's like, Conda, what's the
point of being in the relationship if your time with
(03:51):
that person isn't refueling, isn't refreshing, isn't good? Like a
lot of times in relationships, what we're battling are all
the outside factors. We're like, hey, if it's just us,
we are great. It's just all the other factors were jobs, family, requirements, bills,
all these things that make life a lot harder and
a lot harder to do with one another. But the
(04:13):
time with each other that we have with each other
should not be draining. It should be refreshing. So if
you're with somebody and you're kind of dreading your time
with them, or it just feels like it's taking a
lot of work and you're exhausted being with them, then
might not be the right person for you long term.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
What's the same I could be bad all by myself.
You don't need nobody to help you be bad. Exactly.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Number three is that they keep score and keep resurfacing
old issues. We all make mistakes and relationships. It's going
to happen no matter if you're in month three or
if you're in year ten. We always make mistakes because
we're going through different chapters of our lives. But if
you're constantly being told about you didn't do this, you
didn't do that, and old things keep being brought up,
(04:58):
it's kind of almost like a manipult relation tactic, like
somebody using it to blame you for everything. Like we
are all accountable for our own actions, and we are
all only accountable for our own actions. We can't control
what our partner does. So if we want to change
the situation, if we want to dictate how things go,
we have to take our own accountability for our own
(05:18):
actions and things that we can do to contribute to
the relationship to make it better. Forgiveness is such a
big thing in relationships and also grace, like I make
mistakes too, you make mistakes. We both make mistakes. Instead
of holding this over your head, I'll say like, I
know your heart, I know that you love me. I
know that you didn't mean to do this and it
(05:40):
wasn't done out of milst, so I'm not going to
hold it against you as if it's a character flaw.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Number four, communication feels toxic.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
I'm talking about dealing with silent treatments, someone who is
being passive aggressive. The number one thing that I feel
I had dealt with where I was like, this doesn't
feel good. In a past relationship was someone who would
almost always want to have the last word, and it
was hard because I was like, we're not actually talking
(06:10):
about anything. It's just this battle of like who can
say the worst thing to the other person, And then
it would turn into just ghosting where it's like I'm
not hearing back from him, and now I'm questioning like
what is he doing? Like are we still together? What
is actually happening? This is strange, Like the whole thing
(06:31):
of a relationship that keeps it happy and healthy is
healthy communication. And so if that communication is toxic and
you're dealing with what I like to call little kid
traits like we are not in high school, we are grown.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Communicate with me. That is a number one tell sign.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
And that is what leads to toxic traits, toxic communication styles,
and toxic relationships. And I always say that good communication
isn't just open communication, it isn't just honest communication. It's
effective comunication, an effective communication to somebody hearing what you
actually have to say. If you're so worried about winning
(07:06):
and being right and keeping it one hundred and you're
not focused on actually, who is this person that I'm
with and how do they best receive information? All right,
let me try to deliver it in that way That
is a sign of a healthy relationship and a healthy
partner and something that can stand the test of time.
This pettiness, this thing's communication build out. The resentment is
(07:28):
not the way to go, and it's not going to
last for the long term.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
I also want to say this because it's twenty twenty five, right.
A lot of conversations are happening via text, and if
you're in person and in the heat of the moment, yes,
someone might say something and have to later apologize. But
if someone is spending time creating paragraphs on paragraphs through
a text message and they're reading their message, they're giving
that message thought and then they're hitting send. That means
(07:52):
that they really mean what they put in that text message.
And so it's this thing of asking yourself, like does
this person care about me and want to resolve whatever
we're communicating about or are they just trying to be
white right? Are they trying to make me feel bad
about myself?
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Because you can tell.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Number five is that you are constantly walking on eggs
shells in your relationship. You should not be fearful of
your partner. I do think it's important to you know,
craft what you have to say, make sure that what
you're going to say is what you mean. But there
shouldn't be a fear of communicating based off of how
somebody is going to react, like that feeling of like
(08:30):
I don't know, they get angry sometimes and I don't
want to say nothing too much because they might end
up with a hole in the wall or like you know,
they might end up putting their hands on me or
something like that, or doing something that could be detrimential
to my health, to my life, to my job, or
harming their self. So you want to make sure that
if you want something that's going to last for the
(08:50):
long term, and not saying that somebody can't go to
therapy and get that fixed and work through their issues.
But you don't want to be in a relationship where
you're walking on eggshells and you can't actually express how
you feel.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, And to me, what this really means is that
if you're having to change yourself to be desired or
still wanted by somebody, like that's the same thing as
walking on eggshells. It's like if you're actively having to
worry about how you say something, or what you wear,
or where you go or who.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
You spend time with.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
That is a common thing of a toxic relationship. That's
someone who is wanting to almost control and or change you.
And I want to give one good example. So early
on in our dating situation, it was very clear I
had an issue with alcohol. I had an unhealthy relationship
with alcohol, and this was something that I knew. I
(09:44):
communicated with Dre. I had a plan of how I
was going to work on that or get better.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
With that, and I put an action plan together.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I started to achieve that action plan, and I messed
up right as we were trying to achieve the things
I said I was going to do or not do.
There were times that I slipped up and he had
to deal with that in the moment, but the next
morning he would see that I genuinely was sorry and
I communicated like, this is what went wrong, this is
what I'll do better next time. I am so sorry.
(10:13):
It won't happen again. So there is this thing where
you know someone could have an issue with anger, or
with drinking, or with reflective communication skills or whatever the situation.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Woay be, but are they working on it?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Are they communicating to you that they know that it
is wrong, that they want to fix it, and that
they're doing something to work on. Because we don't want
to make you guys think that if the person you're
with isn't perfect, right, that it's toxic, because nobody is perfect.
But it is about taking the context.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
With it as well.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Number six, they are controlling, jealous, or manipulative. This is
an important red flag to pay attention to because this
is the number one thing that usually can turn into.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Abuse, whether verbal or physical.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
And so if they're doing things like tracking your social media,
monitoring who you're following, and who's following you or whatever
the case may be, what you're doing when you're not
with them, how much time you're spending with your girlfriends
or your guy friends or family, all the little things
like that. Essentially, they're not allowing you to live your
(11:17):
full life and be who you are in that This
was something that I personally only dealt with once, and
it was where.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
The person I was dating was very insecure. It had
I don't think it had anything to do necessarily with jealousy.
It was just that they didn't feel.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Secure about who they were and our relationship, even though
I have never given them a reason.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
To feel that way.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
And it started to show up in the relationship to
the point where I was like, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
What, this is verbal abuse.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
This is somebody who is slandering me, making me feel
bad about just being who I am and living my life.
I'm not doing anything wrong, but everything that I'm doing
in their eyes is wrong or bad, And I was like,
this is not healthy and it's time for me to
walk away.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
It's important to understand that when it comes to trust
in relationships, and if you want a really happy relationship,
there's a level of vulnerability that you have to have
in your relationship, and fear has to kind of go
to the side because you are opening yourself up to
hurt to somebody you know, doing something that you may
not want them to do. But there's also a beauty
(12:23):
on the other side of that is that it unlocks
a new level of your relationship. We've seen it so
many times to where people are like, yeah, I can't
go out with that friend, or I can't go out
with that friend, or I had to cut off my
friend that was a guy or a girl because they
were the opposite sex. And it's like if that person
is trying to put you in a bubble, it's trying
to exclude you and take you away from like family
(12:45):
and friends. They're trying to control you, all right. Number
seven is that you are experiencing a constant emotional roller coaster.
Like one day they're really loving and caring and doting
on you and all these amazing things, and the next
day they're stand off, reserve, not talking to you, emostly unavailable.
It's just not a good sign in that moment for
(13:07):
a long term relationship. Again, these things that we talked about,
these are things that can be worked on through you know,
therapy and through healthy communication, maybe working with somebody to
figure these things out. But you don't want to be
in a situation to where it's up and down because
the relationship that you're in is a foundational pretty much
the most foundational piece in your life. And who wants
(13:30):
to build a house on a foundation They don't know
if it's going to stand or not. Like you want
to know and have faith that this is something constant
that you can rely on. But if every day is
a roller coaster, you don't know if you can rely
on that.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Yeah, it's given mental instability. Life is already hard enough
right Like we are working, we are taking care of
friends and family and like dealing and pouring into all.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
These other things in our life.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
If the person that is supposed to be your person,
how's you feeling rate one day and terrible the next?
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Like like I said in a previous tip, we can
be bad all by ourselves.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Okay, number eight And this is my favorite because I
feel like this is the most easiest to be Like,
oh Na, nah, they ain't for me. Is if they
are keeping you hidden, you are not a secret.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Okay. If you have not met the friends.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
If he is slow to introduce you to the people
in his life who matter most, or somehow every time
he's going out with specific people he's not able to
be breached, or you can't answer your FaceTime like you
know you're in a relationship with him, but nobody that
they know knows that they're in a relationship with you.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
That is a problem. What are we hiding?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
It's definitely a problem. And I'll just keep it simple
and leave it here. Is that think about the things
that you're happy about. Do you want to share those
things or do you want to hide them from the world.
You want to share the things that make you happy.
You want to share the things that mean a lot
to you, especially with the people that you care about.
So if that person doesn't want to do that, and
they're hiding you from certain people, certain situations, then it's
(15:06):
probably a sign that they don't see they see some
type of flaw or some type of issue. That doesn't
mean they want to be with you long term. And
I say you ask them.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
It means one of two things.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
It either means one, they're really not committed to you
at all and they don't want to commit to you,
or two they're already committed to somebody else.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Number nine is that they tend to love bomb instead
of having steady connections with you. So what does this
look like?
Speaker 2 (15:29):
What is a bomb?
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Right, it's a huge explosion. So it's like, relationship ain't
going good. Relationship ain't going good, You're not being consistent,
not being consistent, boom, huge gesture. Hey, let's take a
trip to Turks and Caicos. I'll pay for everything. I
got your flight, I got your food, all that stuff.
This is great and you're like, okay, cool.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Let's do it.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
And then it's like after that time, you don't hear
from them. They're inconsistent. They'll talk to you again, they'll
do this. Three weeks later, here's a new bag, like
I love you, you are great, You're awesome, You're ma.
It's not steady, it's just like little pockets of like boom,
and it's kind of like this thing that keeps you
like grilled in. It's like as you're slipping away, it's like,
(16:11):
let me just kind of do this to kind of
bring it back in, to make you feel like, you know,
I still love you and I still want you and
make sure that you stay around and keep giving me
the attention. That is not a sign of somebody who
wants to be with you long term or a sign
of a healthy relationship. That's a toxic manipulation tool to
get you to stay around without actually truly having to
(16:32):
commit anything.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Yeah, so basically just inconsistent acts of love or affection.
And number ten is that they avoid future conversations. This
is any conversations regarding long term anything around you, the
relationship and their overall future.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
So talking about kids.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Where you want to live, what they would want their
wedding to be like, or you know, whether marriage is important,
or what religion and they want to raise their family
under it, like all of the things that have to
do with long term commitment.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
If they are avoiding those conversations, big red flag.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Definitely, big red flag. They should want to be with
you for the long term and those conversations should match that.
We sent situations to where people have been like I've
been dating this person for two years and they bought
a house and it's like they tell you they're buying
a house or they asked for your input. Yeah, either
you ain't the only person that they datn't or they
ain't they not looking at you as being part of
(17:30):
their future. If they just went and bought a house,
didn't ask for your input, didn't ask what you think,
didn't ask you to walk the floor plan with them,
or anything like that. It's like when they make plans,
when they do things, they're considering you in their plans,
and if that's not happening, they probably don't see you
in their plans because it's not even like a conscious thing.
Sometimes it's a subconscious thing that you're talking as if
(17:54):
you know this person is a person you want to
spend the rest of your life with.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
We hope that you enjoyed these ten ways to determine
if the person you're dating is toxic and not a
good long term fit. If you haven't already, checked out
our video Seven ways to know the person you're dating
is your future husband or wife, check that out.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Lots of good nuggets there.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Make sure you guys like comments, subscribe and stay tuned
for more couch conversations until next time. So y'all,
Welcome back to Smith's on Demand.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
This is another couch conversation where we are sharing ten
ways to know the person you're dating is toxic and
not a good long term fit. I always like to say,
if the person is not your person, you're one person
closer to the person that is. And so it is
very important to find out early on if someone is
or isn't for you. And although we have been in
a healthy relationship for eight years, we definitely have been
(00:24):
through our share of bad relationships, especially your girl right here. Okay,
so I definitely know a lot about toxic relationships and
we are excited to share these ten steps with you.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Yep. So number one, the commitment is elusive. Are we
in something? Are we not? I'm not sure. I think
they like me, but I don't know if they want
something long term.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Or here's my favorite, oh we he just got a
really bad relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Or he's still not over his set.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
There's so many things, like we talk about it in
our video the seven ways to know the person you're
dating is your husband's wife. You should definitely check that out.
You should not be guessing if the person wants to
be with you or if you bring it up and
there's all these excuses about like why they can and
cannot actually be committed to you. It's like, that's a
(01:15):
sign that this may not be a long term fit
for you, because I'm not gonna lie. Like most people
know early on, not that even that this person might
be their husband or wife, but they know early on
if I want to seriously pursue this person and see
if they are somebody that I want to spend the
rest of my life with.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I know.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
We had one example of a friend. I remember this
friend that Bree had. She was telling her all these
bad things about this guy that she was dating, and
then she was actually in person with them both one time,
and she asked a guy like, why won't you commit
to my friend? And he was like, I don't want
the accountability and the responsibility of being in a relationship.
(01:54):
And it was like, I don't think that's the person
for you, right, but she was You're still question it,
like thinking that maybe it could be something else. So
it's like if you have to question it constantly and
you don't know, like if somebody asks you and you
don't know, but you're doing all these things as if
you're in a relationship, it's probably not built for the
(02:17):
long term.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
If somebody says they don't like labels, listen, we are grown, Okay,
we need clarity.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
It's not about labels.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It is about being an adult and having a clear
responsibility to someone because that is what you have decided
you want to have.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
And I think the issue is a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Want what comes with the relationship, but they don't want
the accountability of what it takes to maintain that relationship.
And so if a man or a woman is wavering
on whether or not they're ready to put a title
on it, baby, call your mama.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
I don't know. Look, it's not making sense. Okay, So
for sure that is sign number one.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Number two time together drains you instead of uplifts you.
I have noticed that with girls we use this as
a common factor for deciding who we are going to befriend,
where if you're around someone and all they're doing is
constantly complaining, talking about their problems but never coming up
with solutions or saying they're going to do something and
never doing it, spending the whole time talking about themselves,
(03:18):
not checking with you, not being intentional, and we slowly
start to detach and create space between that front. Well,
why do we have such a problem doing that when
it comes to romantic relationships.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
I don't get it. I don't get it either.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
I mean, it should be a refreshing time, a refilling time,
Like when I have a hard day at work, it's
like I can't wait to take a load off, sit
down with my wife, watch something, Let's go on a walk,
let's do dinner, Like that's my time to refresh, and
at that time is draining. It's like, Conda, what's the
point of being in the relationship if your time with
(03:51):
that person isn't refueling, isn't refreshing, isn't good? Like a
lot of times in relationships, what we're battling are all
the outside factors. We're like, hey, if it's just us,
we are great. It's just all the other factors were jobs, family, requirements, bills,
all these things that make life a lot harder and
a lot harder to do with one another. But the
(04:13):
time with each other that we have with each other
should not be draining. It should be refreshing. So if
you're with somebody and you're kind of dreading your time
with them, or it just feels like it's taking a
lot of work and you're exhausted being with them, then
might not be the right person for you long term.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
What's the same I could be bad all by myself.
You don't need nobody to help you be bad. Exactly.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Number three is that they keep score and keep resurfacing
old issues. We all make mistakes and relationships. It's going
to happen no matter if you're in month three or
if you're in year ten. We always make mistakes because
we're going through different chapters of our lives. But if
you're constantly being told about you didn't do this, you
didn't do that, and old things keep being brought up,
(04:58):
it's kind of almost like a manipult relation tactic, like
somebody using it to blame you for everything. Like we
are all accountable for our own actions, and we are
all only accountable for our own actions. We can't control
what our partner does. So if we want to change
the situation, if we want to dictate how things go,
we have to take our own accountability for our own
(05:18):
actions and things that we can do to contribute to
the relationship to make it better. Forgiveness is such a
big thing in relationships and also grace, like I make
mistakes too, you make mistakes. We both make mistakes. Instead
of holding this over your head, I'll say like, I
know your heart, I know that you love me. I
know that you didn't mean to do this and it
(05:40):
wasn't done out of milst, so I'm not going to
hold it against you as if it's a character flaw.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Number four, communication feels toxic.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
I'm talking about dealing with silent treatments, someone who is
being passive aggressive. The number one thing that I feel
I had dealt with where I was like, this doesn't
feel good. In a past relationship was someone who would
almost always want to have the last word, and it
was hard because I was like, we're not actually talking
(06:10):
about anything. It's just this battle of like who can
say the worst thing to the other person, And then
it would turn into just ghosting where it's like I'm
not hearing back from him, and now I'm questioning like
what is he doing? Like are we still together? What
is actually happening? This is strange, Like the whole thing
(06:31):
of a relationship that keeps it happy and healthy is
healthy communication. And so if that communication is toxic and
you're dealing with what I like to call little kid
traits like we are not in high school, we are grown.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Communicate with me. That is a number one tell sign.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
And that is what leads to toxic traits, toxic communication styles,
and toxic relationships. And I always say that good communication
isn't just open communication, it isn't just honest communication. It's
effective comunication, an effective communication to somebody hearing what you
actually have to say. If you're so worried about winning
(07:06):
and being right and keeping it one hundred and you're
not focused on actually, who is this person that I'm
with and how do they best receive information? All right,
let me try to deliver it in that way That
is a sign of a healthy relationship and a healthy
partner and something that can stand the test of time.
This pettiness, this thing's communication build out. The resentment is
(07:28):
not the way to go, and it's not going to
last for the long term.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
I also want to say this because it's twenty twenty five, right.
A lot of conversations are happening via text, and if
you're in person and in the heat of the moment, yes,
someone might say something and have to later apologize. But
if someone is spending time creating paragraphs on paragraphs through
a text message and they're reading their message, they're giving
that message thought and then they're hitting send. That means
(07:52):
that they really mean what they put in that text message.
And so it's this thing of asking yourself, like does
this person care about me and want to resolve whatever
we're communicating about or are they just trying to be
white right? Are they trying to make me feel bad
about myself?
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Because you can tell.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Number five is that you are constantly walking on eggs
shells in your relationship. You should not be fearful of
your partner. I do think it's important to you know,
craft what you have to say, make sure that what
you're going to say is what you mean. But there
shouldn't be a fear of communicating based off of how
somebody is going to react, like that feeling of like
(08:30):
I don't know, they get angry sometimes and I don't
want to say nothing too much because they might end
up with a hole in the wall or like you know,
they might end up putting their hands on me or
something like that, or doing something that could be detrimential
to my health, to my life, to my job, or
harming their self. So you want to make sure that
if you want something that's going to last for the
(08:50):
long term, and not saying that somebody can't go to
therapy and get that fixed and work through their issues.
But you don't want to be in a relationship where
you're walking on eggshells and you can't actually express how
you feel.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Yeah, And to me, what this really means is that
if you're having to change yourself to be desired or
still wanted by somebody, like that's the same thing as
walking on eggshells. It's like if you're actively having to
worry about how you say something, or what you wear,
or where you go or who.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
You spend time with.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
That is a common thing of a toxic relationship. That's
someone who is wanting to almost control and or change you.
And I want to give one good example. So early
on in our dating situation, it was very clear I
had an issue with alcohol. I had an unhealthy relationship
with alcohol, and this was something that I knew. I
(09:44):
communicated with Dre. I had a plan of how I
was going to work on that or get better.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
With that, and I put an action plan together.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I started to achieve that action plan, and I messed
up right as we were trying to achieve the things
I said I was going to do or not do.
There were times that I slipped up and he had
to deal with that in the moment, but the next
morning he would see that I genuinely was sorry and
I communicated like, this is what went wrong, this is
what I'll do better next time. I am so sorry.
(10:13):
It won't happen again. So there is this thing where
you know someone could have an issue with anger, or
with drinking, or with reflective communication skills or whatever the situation.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Woay be, but are they working on it?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Are they communicating to you that they know that it
is wrong, that they want to fix it, and that
they're doing something to work on. Because we don't want
to make you guys think that if the person you're
with isn't perfect, right, that it's toxic, because nobody is perfect.
But it is about taking the context.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
With it as well.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Number six, they are controlling, jealous, or manipulative. This is
an important red flag to pay attention to because this
is the number one thing that usually can turn into.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Abuse, whether verbal or physical.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
And so if they're doing things like tracking your social media,
monitoring who you're following, and who's following you or whatever
the case may be, what you're doing when you're not
with them, how much time you're spending with your girlfriends
or your guy friends or family, all the little things
like that. Essentially, they're not allowing you to live your
(11:17):
full life and be who you are in that This
was something that I personally only dealt with once, and
it was where.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
The person I was dating was very insecure. It had
I don't think it had anything to do necessarily with jealousy.
It was just that they didn't feel.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Secure about who they were and our relationship, even though
I have never given them a reason.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
To feel that way.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
And it started to show up in the relationship to
the point where I was like, you know.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
What, this is verbal abuse.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
This is somebody who is slandering me, making me feel
bad about just being who I am and living my life.
I'm not doing anything wrong, but everything that I'm doing
in their eyes is wrong or bad, And I was like,
this is not healthy and it's time for me to
walk away.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
It's important to understand that when it comes to trust
in relationships, and if you want a really happy relationship,
there's a level of vulnerability that you have to have
in your relationship, and fear has to kind of go
to the side because you are opening yourself up to
hurt to somebody you know, doing something that you may
not want them to do. But there's also a beauty
(12:23):
on the other side of that is that it unlocks
a new level of your relationship. We've seen it so
many times to where people are like, yeah, I can't
go out with that friend, or I can't go out
with that friend, or I had to cut off my
friend that was a guy or a girl because they
were the opposite sex. And it's like if that person
is trying to put you in a bubble, it's trying
to exclude you and take you away from like family
(12:45):
and friends. They're trying to control you, all right. Number
seven is that you are experiencing a constant emotional roller coaster.
Like one day they're really loving and caring and doting
on you and all these amazing things, and the next
day they're stand off, reserve, not talking to you, emostly unavailable.
It's just not a good sign in that moment for
(13:07):
a long term relationship. Again, these things that we talked about,
these are things that can be worked on through you know,
therapy and through healthy communication, maybe working with somebody to
figure these things out. But you don't want to be
in a situation to where it's up and down because
the relationship that you're in is a foundational pretty much
the most foundational piece in your life. And who wants
(13:30):
to build a house on a foundation They don't know
if it's going to stand or not. Like you want
to know and have faith that this is something constant
that you can rely on. But if every day is
a roller coaster, you don't know if you can rely
on that.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Yeah, it's given mental instability. Life is already hard enough
right Like we are working, we are taking care of
friends and family and like dealing and pouring into all.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
These other things in our life.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
If the person that is supposed to be your person,
how's you feeling rate one day and terrible the next?
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Like like I said in a previous tip, we can
be bad all by ourselves.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Okay, number eight And this is my favorite because I
feel like this is the most easiest to be Like,
oh Na, nah, they ain't for me. Is if they
are keeping you hidden, you are not a secret.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Okay. If you have not met the friends.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
If he is slow to introduce you to the people
in his life who matter most, or somehow every time
he's going out with specific people he's not able to
be breached, or you can't answer your FaceTime like you
know you're in a relationship with him, but nobody that
they know knows that they're in a relationship with you.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
That is a problem. What are we hiding?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
It's definitely a problem. And I'll just keep it simple
and leave it here. Is that think about the things
that you're happy about. Do you want to share those
things or do you want to hide them from the world.
You want to share the things that make you happy.
You want to share the things that mean a lot
to you, especially with the people that you care about.
So if that person doesn't want to do that, and
they're hiding you from certain people, certain situations, then it's
(15:06):
probably a sign that they don't see they see some
type of flaw or some type of issue. That doesn't
mean they want to be with you long term. And
I say you ask them.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
It means one of two things.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
It either means one, they're really not committed to you
at all and they don't want to commit to you,
or two they're already committed to somebody else.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Number nine is that they tend to love bomb instead
of having steady connections with you. So what does this
look like?
Speaker 2 (15:29):
What is a bomb?
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Right, it's a huge explosion. So it's like, relationship ain't
going good. Relationship ain't going good, You're not being consistent,
not being consistent, boom, huge gesture. Hey, let's take a
trip to Turks and Caicos. I'll pay for everything. I
got your flight, I got your food, all that stuff.
This is great and you're like, okay, cool.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Let's do it.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
And then it's like after that time, you don't hear
from them. They're inconsistent. They'll talk to you again, they'll
do this. Three weeks later, here's a new bag, like
I love you, you are great, You're awesome, You're ma.
It's not steady, it's just like little pockets of like boom,
and it's kind of like this thing that keeps you
like grilled in. It's like as you're slipping away, it's like,
(16:11):
let me just kind of do this to kind of
bring it back in, to make you feel like, you know,
I still love you and I still want you and
make sure that you stay around and keep giving me
the attention. That is not a sign of somebody who
wants to be with you long term or a sign
of a healthy relationship. That's a toxic manipulation tool to
get you to stay around without actually truly having to
(16:32):
commit anything.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Yeah, so basically just inconsistent acts of love or affection.
And number ten is that they avoid future conversations. This
is any conversations regarding long term anything around you, the
relationship and their overall future.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
So talking about kids.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Where you want to live, what they would want their
wedding to be like, or you know, whether marriage is important,
or what religion and they want to raise their family
under it, like all of the things that have to
do with long term commitment.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
If they are avoiding those conversations, big red flag.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Definitely, big red flag. They should want to be with
you for the long term and those conversations should match that.
We sent situations to where people have been like I've
been dating this person for two years and they bought
a house and it's like they tell you they're buying
a house or they asked for your input. Yeah, either
you ain't the only person that they datn't or they
ain't they not looking at you as being part of
(17:30):
their future. If they just went and bought a house,
didn't ask for your input, didn't ask what you think,
didn't ask you to walk the floor plan with them,
or anything like that. It's like when they make plans,
when they do things, they're considering you in their plans,
and if that's not happening, they probably don't see you
in their plans because it's not even like a conscious thing.
Sometimes it's a subconscious thing that you're talking as if
(17:54):
you know this person is a person you want to
spend the rest of your life with.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
We hope that you enjoyed these ten ways to determine
if the person you're dating is toxic and not a
good long term fit. If you haven't already, checked out
our video Seven ways to know the person you're dating
is your future husband or wife, check that out.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Lots of good nuggets there.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Make sure you guys like comments, subscribe and stay tuned
for more couch conversations until next time. So y'all,
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