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October 4, 2023 • 22 mins
Welcome! In this episode, Dre & Bre Talk about relationships get harder want to get married.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey guys, it's embry and wewaited three years to have sex until marriage.
Now that we're married, we're offeringour perspective on what it takes to
discover and sustain a relationship worth waitingfor. Welcome to the Worth Weight podcast
Listens. Lessons coming nights, lessonscoming not Hey guys, we're finally back

(00:28):
with the Worthy Weight Podcasts. Iknow that we took a break a little
bit. Brie and I were justtrying to figure out what way we could
show up consistently yes, and makesure that it was something of value but
didn't put too much stress on us. Yes, So we are deciding to
do this show in a different way. It's more like a bite size podcast
or show on YouTube. It's justlike a normal YouTube video, but for

(00:51):
podcasts is what we call bite size, So like little tidbits. Yeah,
but pretty much every episode we're justanswering a question that people have asked us
or will ask us. Be aDM, make sure you go to the
Relationship Restore site if you have anyquestions for us that you want to say
answer on here. So welcome back, Excited to be back, Excited to

(01:11):
be back. So our first questionfor today is something that somebody at worked
asked me. It was a coworker of mine and she's just getting married
or she just got engaged, andshe's like everybody around me is telling me,
when you get married it gets harder. When you get married, it
gets harder. So she asked me, it was like, yo, when
you get married, and when yougot married, did it actually get harder

(01:34):
for you? Or is that justsomething that people say. So I felt
like that was a good question tostart off with. Once we bring this
back, is do you feel likeand I'll pose a question to you first,
do you feel like once we gotmarried things got harder. No.
And it's crazy because a lot ofour friends even told us this, And

(01:56):
I mean I was waiting for likesomething that happened, and I don't think
it ever did. I mean,obviously, relationships are hard in general,
so like, you know, they'realways going to have the thing of having
to communicate your feelings and like makingsure that the person is hurt and feel
special. But that's with the relationshipsin general. So I would say,
you know, if someone asked mefrom experience, the answers, no,

(02:17):
I don't think that it gets harder, and I'm going to break down like
my three p's because I think thisis super helpful and even just thinking of
what it looks like from dating toget engaged to actually being married. So
when I think of dating, Ithink of like the potential phase, right,
It's like you can be dating multiplepeople, kind of seeing like you

(02:38):
know, playing the field, what'swhat, and really seeing if there's potential
in a future with that person.Once you get to the point of like,
Okay, this is someone I couldsee my life with, you then
get into the engagement phase, whichI like to call the preparation phase.
It's when you prepare for that nextstep. This is truly where you need
to do the work. And Ithink so many people start doing the work

(02:59):
once they're married, which is whymaybe it gets harder versus doing the work
in the space where it should happen, which is preparing. You shouldn't get
married to someone and hadn't put inthe work to have a solid relationship,
because that's when things can crumble,you know. So the preparation phase being
engaged really figuring out, Okay,what does it look like for our lives
to merge together and for us tobe in this relationship is one and then

(03:22):
the promise comes in the marriage.So once you're married, you've already promised
this person that you're going to lovethem, you know, regardless of anything.
You're gonna be there, regardless ofanything. And as situations in life
things happen, it should feel easiermarried because you know the person's not going
anywhere. Right, You could pickup your stuff and bounce if you're engaged,

(03:42):
But once you're married and you makethat promise to one another, you
know that that person's not going anywhere, So it should make it easier to
resolve conflict and to deal with lifethings as they come. Got you.
No, I definitely think that makessense. I think for me, I
would say hard maybe it. Ithink that hard just gives it like a
negative connotation, like it's like somethingbad. I think relationships are hard work.

(04:08):
And will I say once you getmarried your marriage you might come across
challenges and things that are challenging inyour relationship and in order to get past
those things, it takes hard workto do that. But just saying oh,
once you get married it's hard,or that your marriage is hard or

(04:28):
your relationships gets harder, I feellike that's just adding a negative connotation to
the relationship and really not doing agreat job of highlighting the great parts of
marriage and the benefits of marriage.I mean, once you get into a
marriage, there's going to be thingsthat you come across that you guys didn't
come across while you were dating.You're gonna like Brie and I are looking

(04:49):
to buy our house for the firsttime at some point when you first have
kids. I know that. Andthe podcast most recent one that Ron and
I did, we talked about Geezand his wife Jenny I think Jenny is
her name, and basically he wasupset reportedly that she was walking a kid

(05:09):
to school every day because he didn'twant people to recognize her and know where
they lived. That's something that youdon't plan. You know, you can't
think in dating phase, So howwould you feel about walking a kid to
school? Like, that's not somethingthat you can really talk about. So
it's like there are challenges that youhave to overcome that you don't foresee at
all when it comes to a relationship, and that's hard to work to overcome

(05:30):
them, but to just make itseem like relationships just get harder. Yeah,
when you get married, I wouldn'tsay that it's just always relationship and
growth and being with somebody will alwaysbe a challenge. You know what just
came to my mind though, whathave you ever realized that whenever you are
committed to something and it's almost likean obligation to where you feel stuck,

(05:53):
it's harder to do whatever that thingis. So, for example, with
like dieting, right, it's easierto just eat healthy and just have an
overall healthy lifestyle than it is tohave a strict diet because it feels so
restricting and just like you have nofreedom, you have no control over your
decisions. It's like you're stuck doingthis one thing. So maybe that hard

(06:13):
word comes from people going from againthat engagement phase where you kind of still
have like the door cracked open,versus marriage. Once you're in it,
it's almost like like you know,you're stuck and you have to deal with
this and you have to get throughit. You can't just walk away.
So I could understand somebody feeling likeit gets hard in that sense because it's
almost like that freedom is almost taken, that freedom of just being able to

(06:35):
be like fucking them out. Yeah, and I think it's it's all about
perspective too, Like if you lookat it in a negative light, you're
going to feel like it's extremely extremelyhard to be committed and do the things
it takes to be committed. Butif you look at it in a positive
light, like I said, wehave to do a better job, just
as people, especially those who aremarriage married, of highlighting the positive in

(06:58):
it and not just like you know, all the ebbs or I think the
flows are the good parts and theebbs or the nonpart, but not all
the negatives, but highlight the positives. So I think that we just have
to have to do a better jobof that. But I think for us,
our situation might be a little bitdifferent because we had from our beginning
of our relationship, we were livingtogether, we had all of our money

(07:20):
together, so outside of not havingsex, our relationship was pretty much operating
the same very much as a marriage. So we went through a lot of
those bumps and bruises and that hardwork prior to marriage to where some people
that's when they actually are joining inand having funds together and living together and

(07:41):
stuff like that, so they haveto overcome those challenges. Yeah, I
think to some you know, whenpeople give the perception of like, oh
it gets hard or your relationship getshard whence you're married could come from a
space of comfortable comfortability. So itcould come from just being so comfortable and
routine and the relationship that maybe peoplestart to get bored or they feel like

(08:05):
the other person isn't doing all thethings. And because again, even though
I call engagement phase like the preparationphase, it's also like the wou phase.
It's like, let me, youknow, do everything I can to
show this person like I am thatforever person. But then once that commitment
is made, you can get comfortablein a daily routine and maybe you know,
not having sex as often, ornot going on date nights, or

(08:26):
not traveling or doing all the thingsthat we're spontaneous and fun that maybe happened
in the dating and the engagement phase. So I think too, again,
if you think of engagement as preparation, you should be preparing for what does
our life look like when we're married? And I'd even think for you and
I we actually talked about like whatwould we do if either person felt like

(08:48):
their needs weren't being met or ifone of us wanted to have sex more
frequent than the other, Like wetalked about like what that would look like,
how to communicate that to each other. So if and when those things
happen, you are able to communicateand you're already both on the same cage
because you prepared for the possibility ofthis result, and so it makes dealing
with it ten times easier. Andagain, instead of it feeling hard,

(09:09):
it just feels like, no,we're just doing life together. No.
I think that's a great point.Preparation and relationships is so important, and
I think part of that preparation ishaving a healthy expectation of what a relationship
is and what it will be.So it's like, the baseline for your
expectation for a relationship should be thator let's say a marriage, because that's

(09:33):
what we're talking about, because Ifeel like some people have this fantasy of
once I get married, that meansthat we went through all the things and
the marriage should be a smooth ridebecause we dealt with everything before. So
the reality is it's like, no, you're still in a relationship with a
person, and your baseline for relationshipsshould always be like we're going to argue,
we're going to make mistakes. I'mgonna do things wrong. They're gonna

(09:56):
do things wrong. There's gonna betimes where I have to give them great
there's gonna be times where they haveto give me grace. And if that
is like the baseline that you know, those things will happen like that.
A healthy relationship has arguments, ahealthy relationship has disagreements. A healthy relationship
has people who drop the ball sometimeson both sides. If you expect that

(10:20):
to be part of your relationship,then I feel like you'll have a better
experience when it comes to marriage andwon't see the challenges as something that's bad.
But when you have the expectation thatit's perfection from now on, now
that we're married, and this personshouldn't mess up, and whether it's a
guy being like I did this forher, so she should be happy and

(10:43):
everything should be good, or awoman on the opposite side feeling the same
way, like you shouldn't feel likeit's just going to be perfection at that
point, you should understand like we'restill gonna have to work some things out,
and there's gonna be new problems andnew things that we come across that
we're just going to have to workthrough. But that's also I think the
best part of relationship with somebody isthat I love you not only because of

(11:05):
how you treat me and in spiteof the different things that I do,
you still accept me, but alsobecause we've been through some things, we
have some history, we have someequity built up in our relationship. That
makes the good times even better becausea lot of times we know what we've
been through. That's almost like beingrich and doing it via the lottery or

(11:26):
doing it because you earned it whilebuilding a company. It's like it feels
different having that money and spending thatmoney and enjoying that money when you know
you earned it and put a lotof hard work into it. You also
mentioned the living together, and Ithink that I could totally see somebody being
like once you get married, it'shard if you went from not living with

(11:46):
someone to getting married and moving inwith each other, because moving in is
an experience in itself, Like youcan think you know a person like the
back of your hand, and movingin will change your perspective just because every
little thing right, Like I mean, there's so many things that we had
to talk about when we decided tolive with each other, and it really

(12:07):
took like a good year, Iwould say, for us to be in
a space where we had like theperfect flow, like we knew what each
other's roles were. But then what'sfunny is every year those roles changed,
our life changed. What we weredoing change, like cooking and cleaning sometimes
was being done by other people andversus us, And so it always will

(12:28):
change. And if you go fromjust being head over heels and love and
engaged to then moving in with somebodyand you're experiencing them twenty four to seven
full time for the first time,I can understand why that would be hard.
Yeah, But that's what I said, is like, I think we
agree that it can be hard,but not necessarily that term, because it
just sounds are negative. Is thatrelationships are hard work. But that should

(12:52):
be your expectation for a relationship.So when somebody says, oh, relationships
are hard work, you shouldn't lookat it as a negative. You should
look at it like, oh,I know that, that's why they're worth
having. That's why they're worth having. But I think that if somebody were
to ask me, or somebody wereto get married and ask me my thoughts
on marriage. I would say marriageis great. Yeah, it's hard work,

(13:13):
but marriage is great. I wouldn'tcome to somebody and be like,
oh marriage is hard. Get ready, it gets more difficult now you've only
seen the beginning of it. It'slike people do that and people did that
to us, and it's just likeI I was honestly scared. I was
like, what's going to happen?And it kind of like I sid myself
out a little bit because I wasasking myself like, Okay, what issues,

(13:39):
what's surprised? Prepare myself, likewhat could possibly happen? But I'm
like, I know my person andit's not like we're gonna get married in
overnight. You're just gonna change andlike act different, think different, move
different. So I'm like, whatcould it be? And I'm like,
I mean, I understand having kidsand you know, like making big life

(14:00):
choices like those things will be difficult, but it'll be difficult no matter who
you're with and no matter what seasonin your life you're at, because it's
a journey. But yeah, soI mean I think you know the answer
is no, No, it doesnot get harder after marriage. Relationships are
just hard, just hard work.I'm very curious what our things will be
because I already I think about itsometimes too. I'm like I wonder,

(14:24):
like there's so many things that wehaven't come across yet, like even when
it comes to kids and all thelittle nuances of having kids, like how
many things we're going to actually bean agreement on are not like kid fish
sticks or pizza rolls are like somebodymight be like no, and then somebody
might be like yes. And Briehates color, She's going to hide all
the color in the crayon boxes.This is gonna be black white, not

(14:48):
the crayon boxes, but everything else. And they're gonna be like, Mommy,
can I hang this on the fridge. She's gonna be like, it's
pink. I told you we're goingto get them a special fridge for their
bedroom for all their artworks. Sothat's what I said. We have a
lot of different things that we're gonnahave to fire is very like what's I'm
trying to think of a word,because it's not like not like a stickler
for the rules. But he's likehe's a good he's a good person.

(15:11):
I'm kind of gangst us, solike he is like played by the rules,
and I'm like, how can wedo it any other way? So
let's let's do one example right now. All right, we have a child.
Okay, the child has trash.They're eating the honeybun. Would you
be like, just throw out thewindow? He said, the child has
trash. Child is like in thecar to backs eating the honeybun. I

(15:33):
don't let him. Literally, don'tthrow garbage out of the car window.
What are you talking about? Yeah, that is going to turn into some
food for some bird. Gum orgum. It goes on the floor,
No, it does. It's alot of places where gum shouldn't be.

(15:54):
The floor is not one of them. The gum. You're right, the
floor is not one of them.Oh that it shouldn't. It be like,
gum shouldn't be on seats and onchairs and on I was gonna say,
I was gonna say shoes, butif it's on the ground. But
I don't know why you would saythat. I'm not guys, I don't
litter. I'm not. I'm justsaying she's not a she's less of a

(16:15):
rule follower than me. Yeah,but I'm not trying to ruin our planet
either. But Brie is also consciousof like, all right, for our
kids, I want to set agood example. So even if I may
be okay with something like I wouldask you, I'm not going to just
create a bunch of all right ourkids. Five, Okay, we're going
into the movies. Are you sneakingstuff in? Absolutely? And you're just

(16:37):
gonna be like this too, likewhat snacks you gonna take to the movies?
Baby? And put their little bookbag on with their little things.
I could propose on my stuff andthey think absolutely, movie snacks are so
overpriced and they're not great. There'snot a lot of healthy options. Yes,
for sure, we're packing a moviebag. So this is an example
more lighthearted. Dre does not complainwhen his snacks are in my movie bag.

(17:02):
No, I fought at one point, but we have taken sushi Chipotle.
Lord, you're just tell him onthat. But no, this is
more a lighthearted example just of likedisagreements that you can have as you you
know, start to evolve and growingyour relationship. But there are some serious
ones. What school will your kidgo to? People don't discuss sometimes religion
too heavily. What church you knowif church and not like, there's so

(17:25):
many different things that you'll come across, and like we said that this makes
a relationship hard work. But letme give one last example, because I
think this is important and maybe couldhelp someone out there. But Dre and
I, before we got married,we were very aligned on like where we
wanted to live and how we wantedto live. We were like DMV,
like, we want to settle downhere and get a house here. Literally

(17:48):
a few weeks ago or days ago, we were having conversations and I was
like so adamant about this idea oflike what if we just sold all of
our furniture and just up and movedto like another country and just like hopped
around for a few months. Andobviously with what we're doing in our life
right now, that's not really doable. But even in terms of where we
want to live, like, there'sbeen times where one person is like,

(18:11):
well what about Houston, like welike that area, or well what about
this? What about that? Andthose types of conversations have been had.
And I say this to say thatat times you could be very much so
aligned on something and in the futuresomebody has a change of heart, whether
it's having kids. How many kidsto have where you're gonna live, and
those things are important to keep inmind that like for me, I may

(18:34):
have a preference of where I wantto live that is different than you,
But for me, home is whereveryou are, and we can create home
wherever you know we may be.And so just expressing like this is really
what I want and finding a wayto make that a home wherever you are
is super important and something as youknow significant as we're going to live could

(18:56):
be a really big deal breaker forpeople. So you have to go into
marriage under standing that not every singledetail of that person, their passions,
their interests, their career, theirmoney will stay the same, things will
change, And you shouldn't get intoa marriage if you're not okay with being
flexible and rethinking and picturing the futureof your life with that person. And
I agree as we close out,flexibility is such a main thing if you're

(19:21):
talking about how to make sure thatyour marriage isn't you're not overworking or it
is like a ridiculously hard struggle thatis just normal. Heart work is having
flexibility and understanding if your person isflexible. I think that you can see
that in dating, like with Brie, and I we came to some compromises
so early on in our relationship andbeing able to communicate things that we wanted

(19:45):
and became and found a way tobe on the same page, which let
me know that, Okay, Ican't fore see everything that could possibly happen
in our relationship. However, Iknow that she's flexible, I know that
she can compromise. I know thatwe can come to an understanding. So
I'm not worried about things that maycome up in the future. But if
you're with somebody who and I saidit's in the past video, if you're

(20:07):
always agreeing to disagree, that's nottrue agreement. That's just being like,
all right, you have your wayof thinking. I have my way of
thinking, we're just going to tablethis discussion and move on. But if
you're doing that with everything, you'renot compromising. I tried that card every
once in a while. Yeah,I mean sometimes we do it every once
in a while, depending on whatit is. But if that's everything,

(20:29):
like Brie and I early on cameto agreement that we were going to wait
for marriage, like that's a bigthing that we came talked about compromise and
was like this is what we're gonnado. We got married in the Dominican
Republic, which was beautiful. Ididn't want to do that at first,
but then I talked to Brie.We talked about it. She told me
the pros and cons and what shethought, and then we came together and
decided to do that together. Somany things that we've done in our relationship

(20:52):
have prior to marriage with so manycompromises that I was like, Okay,
yeah, we can probably do thisin the long term because we're hearing each
other out, we're taking into considerationhow each other feels, and then we're
moving forward with a true compromise,not an agree to disagree. So yeah,
I love that. Well that's whatneeds to be said. Boom boo

(21:14):
boom. But thank you for tuninginto the Worth the Weight podcast and our
YouTube video. If you're watching itmade to the end, please subscribe to
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(21:37):
follow us on Instagram at s JraSmith, at Brianna Content and at Relationship
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