Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey guys, it's every and wewaited three years to have sex andtal marriage.
Now that we're married, we're offeringour perspective on what it takes to
discover and sustain a relationship worth waitingfor. Welcome to the Worth the Wait
podcast, Zone the Blessings Coming Night, let Zone Less Coming Night. Hey
(00:26):
guys, welcome back to Worth theWeight. On this episode, we are
talking about how to argue in arelationship, because that's an important thing.
And I'll start with this because wetalked about in a past episode that when
you're entering into a relationship one ofthe most important things is having a healthy
expectation of what a relationship will be. And you should understand that in healthy
(00:51):
relationships, arguments still happen, Soyou should know that we will argue at
times. But I think it's importantto said how to argue and how to
express frustration so that it doesn't numberone, completely tear down the relationship,
but also results in you, guys, finding a solution to whatever you're arguing
about. So Number one I thinkis important is figuring out what you're actually
(01:19):
upset about. I think that thatis one of the most important things,
is like what am I really madat? And I think that sometimes we
can argue with somebody and not trulyeven be mad at them, but mad
at something that has happened earlier inthe day, or mad at a work
situation, or in Breez's case,mad at a technology thing, and then
(01:41):
you find yourself arguing with your personwhen what they did wasn't even something that
was worth arguing about. It wasjust you were already in that mindset in
that moment, you know what I'msaying. So it's important to understand,
like why you're mad. And Ithink another thing to take it to consideration
when you're arguing is that there shouldbe a base level line of respect that
(02:07):
you have for that person. Thathow you talk to them, what you
say to them, what you callthem, all those things. There should
be a baseline of I'm not droppingbelow this level, no matter how frustrated
I am, Like I'm not callingyou a name, I'm not being truly
disrespectful at you. If to you, if we're addressing something that's happening in
(02:29):
our relationship, we're addressing a particularissue that we're having and that we're arguing
about, but going to hitting belowthe belt and talking about things that somebody
may have expressed to you that they'reinsecure about, like all those different things
when you're arguing, it's something thatyou shouldn't do because that can completely blow
up the relationship and goes beyond whatyou're arguing about in that moment. Babe,
(02:51):
what did I call you when youleft me at the grocery store?
I think a whack ass nigga orsomething like that. This was early in
our day. I think that wasthe last time I ever called you in
NY I like called you out ofyou know, he left me, y'all.
I was like, what, he'snever been called away? Guy's bigger
before and like, I don't know. I just was so like used to
(03:14):
arguing in that way, like verytoxic. So I just thought that was
funny, because yeah, I've hadto grow in how I argue. And
one thing that I want to sharebecause this is something I should do more.
And I definitely did not coin this. I don't remember where I heard
(03:35):
it from. And I need totake that advice, but is to listen
to understand versus to respond. AndI do a lot of listening to respond
or because I'm so ready to respondI'm not really listening to what you're saying.
And I think when you argue ina healthy relationship, it's important to
(03:55):
make sure that you're listening, justto try to understand the individual. And
I know Drey and I again fromus just being from two different backgrounds and
you know, dealing with emotions differentlyand having different methods of communicating naturally,
like we now have a healthy relationshipand we can argue in a healthy way
(04:17):
because I've worked on my form ofcommunication. But prior to putting in all
of that work, our simple disagreementsor discussions could turn into full on like
me storming down the hall, likethrowing my phone or just doing dumb stuff.
And what I realized in this spaceof arguing or of arguing is that
(04:42):
I always felt cared for by theman I was with when he would get
just as upset as I, becauseif you're not getting upset and flustered,
then you don't care. Like That'swhat I always thought. And when Drey
and I had that conversation about whywhen he acts calm in situations where I'm
blowing up, that making me feellike insecure or like unsure that you even
(05:06):
care, it took a while forlike me to understand that like him responding
that way was him responding in love, and like it took a while for
me to like break that bad habit. And that was one of the first
thing that one of the first thingsthat I learned from Dre and why I
was so thankful that we did decideto wait for marriage, because had we
have jumped right into having sex,I don't think that a lot of our
(05:30):
disagreements or problems would have actually beendealt with. I think sex is a
form of like letting things blow overor like you know, making up in
a sense, but not really gettingto the root of whatever the problem was.
So it forced us to have thosehard conversations and really like look at
each other and deal with each otherknowing that, like this is not going
to end in a happy ending,if you know what I mean, So
(05:51):
we have to sit here and talkabout it regardless. And that was super
helpful for me. But going backto what Drey said about like the risk,
I think if you just eliminate yellingand name calling, there's no way
for you to have a bad argument. Like I think it's totally okay for
two people to not agree on something, not feel the same way on something.
(06:15):
But if you don't yell, ifyou don't call each other out of
your name. Therefore, if you'reresponding in a respectful way, like,
there's no way that that argument couldn'tbe healthy, right, Yeah, And
I think also a third thing toadd to that is constantly putting the blame
on the other person. A lotof times when we're going through something,
it's our own personal feelings that wehave and for whatever reason, we feel
(06:39):
like our partner is in aligning withthose or taking those into consideration. But
it's our feelings that are truly drivingthis. So in your language, when
you're talking to somebody, if youcontinue to blame the other person, what
happens if you go at somebody,they get defensive, And when they get
defensive, it's more about winning theargument, Yeah, versus is actually hearing
(07:00):
what you're trying to say. Soyou have to make sure you're not being
accusatory constantly of your person when you'rearguing with them. And I think that
arguments can be healthy in a relationship, but when they lose its umph or
when it's not healthy is when inevery single moment you're arguing about every single
thing. A lot of times whereBrie was talking about that she would want
(07:23):
to argue with me, and Iwould be more calm and collected, was
because I didn't feel like what wewere talking about was even worth arguing about.
But if you do that with everysingle thing, the person starts to
lose sensitivity to what's important to youand what's not important to you. I
think arguments can be healthy in expressingwhat's really important to you. Is that
(07:47):
you know, I'm ature person,like Brie knows this, I'm ature person.
If I'm truly going at it,maybe my voice gets elevated or I'm
really you know, being adamant aboutsomething. She knows that whatever that thing
is, he cares about because herarely does this. But if you do
it all the time, then somebodyloses the sensitivity, so they ain't gonna
know what is real or what's justsomething that you just arguing about. Then
(08:09):
people feel like you're nagging, orthat you're always bitter, or like that's
how those type of things, youknow, come up in relationships. So
it's important to understand when to argue, be calculated, and what you know
constitutes an argument and then also whatwe have talked about the way or what
we had talked about in the pastepisode, and what Brie is talking about
(08:33):
to help eliminate the yelling and thename calling is understanding when to argue,
what is the battlefield, like when, when, and where do we do
this, because that's what blows alot of relationship ships up to is that
some people have no boundaries, theyhave no battlefield of when an argument can
happen. They're at the dinner table, they're out in public, they're with
friends, they're with family, andit's like people looking like whoa. And
(08:56):
then when you get mad, ifyou're having open and blows in front of
people and you're revealing information because you'reupset in front of somebody that somebody didn't
want information that information to be known, then it becomes a much bigger problem.
So understanding the arena in what youdo this. I respect couples that
are like, we'll talk about thiswhen we get home, or we'll have
a conversation when we get back inthe car, or we'll do something like
(09:20):
that because we're not going to dothis in public. Like understanding the arena.
And then, like I said,the timing when is the right time
to do this. Is it whenI'm upset right now and it's in the
moment, or can this wait toa different moment and still have the same
impact, but maybe when emotions areless intense. Here's something else to talk
(09:41):
about when it comes to arguing,is talking to your friends about your arguments
to then go back to your spouse. So, for example, like if
we're having a disagreement and I'm likeI need a day or or whatever,
like I need space, the worstthing that you could do, especially to
(10:05):
you single friends, is go andlike blab like can you believe this is
what? Blah blah blah, andthen taking on the advice. And I
don't want to say that this goesfor everybody, because I do think that,
especially with our friends, we havea really good, healthy circle of
married couples that if I really amstruggling with something like maybe how to address
(10:28):
something or how to bring something upor anything like that, I know that
I could go to a few ofmy married friends and that they would give
me the best possible advice, notthe best advice for me, but the
best advice for my relationship. Sothey know and love dre the same way
that they know and love me.Versus you can be in a premature relationship
and you can go talking to yourfriends who only know the bad things that
(10:50):
you tell them about your man oryour woman, and then you're expecting one
thing from them, which is forthem to validate your feeling, which then
makes it ten times worse when youtake that validated feeling back to the argument,
and now you double down on whateverthe situation is. So I think
sometimes when people are trying to lookfor clarity and discussing it with other people,
(11:13):
all that can do is either validateyou and your wrongness because they don't
know both sides or whatever the casecould be, and it could only make
it worse. So I think theappropriate thing to do is when you are
in a space where like, Okay, this is an argument or a disagreement,
I'm going to take time so thatI can properly communicate and move forward
with whatever it is that you knowthe argument is about really kind of discovering
(11:35):
and understanding your true feelings, likeDrey said, like what are you really
arguing about? Like what are youreally mad at? And then asking yourself
what is the goal from the conversationbecause I'm not gonna lie when I'm emotional
and like in the moment, mygoal most of the time is to win
with the argument. I know.That's why when I tell Dre like stop
talking to me, I like,you're not gonna get what you want from
(11:56):
me. He knows that if wecontinue talking and everything that's going to come
out my mouth is me just tryingto win this and like, have you
be quiet and leave me alone.So if we know that that's the case,
it makes sense for him to cometo me and say, hey,
I know we have this disagreement orI know you see it this way and
I say it that way. Ijust want to tell you my point of
view. Let you take that,sit on that, and come back to
(12:20):
me. My goal is for usto figure a way forward. And as
soon as he says that to me, I'm then able to receive that information
a little better, really reflect onit, truly give it time and thought
to then come back and be like, hey, okay, so here's what
it is, and like cool,we can move on. No, I
agree, And I think I saidthis in an episode of Real Love.
Scenario is that rarely are things thathappen in your relationship an immediate or is
(12:50):
an immediate response needed? Like,really, we always feel like we deal
with things and do things to wherewe have to take action instantly, But
that's rare, Like rarely is theretimes to where we have to make a
decision and talk about it right atthis moment or else. But when we're
(13:11):
emotional and in our feelings, becausethe feeling is present in the present moment,
we feel like we need to respondin the present moment and we need
to address this in the present moment. But you also got to think that
you are in a relationship with somebodyelse. So just because even in this
moment you feel like it's the time, it may not be the right time
for them. And if it's notthe right time for them, it's not
(13:31):
the right time for y'all because you'renot going to get the response that you
want. And when it comes toarguments, you have to the number one
thing is what do I want toget out of this? What do I
want to get out of this?And if you understand what you want to
get out of it out of it, you might realize that, Okay,
this way of going about it isn'tthe best way to go about it,
and there are some toxic traits thatpeople have from trauma to where what they
(13:56):
want out of arguments is the argument. Yeah, and that's never good.
They want the raised blood pressure,they want the yelling, they want the
combativeness, like they feel comfortable inthat, and they want that, and
that's never a good place to bein. And I think that if you're
at that place, you should,you know, go to some type of
therapy or do some type of selfhealing to understand why that is a place
(14:18):
of comfort for you. Yeah,that reminds me because I used to be
in a place where, like Ithrived in chaos, and when my life
started to actually make sense and becomeeasy and peaceful, I was like,
what's going on? Scary? LikeI'm like I'm not doing anything, like
and I need more things to door like why like I don't know,
Like why do I just feel solike content? And it's like, because
(14:39):
that's what you should be feeling doing, But yeah, it's a whole thing
therapy hashtag go to therapy. Butif you want to write into us and
let us know any topics she wantsto discussed, you can go to Relationship
Restore website. That's our episode forWorth the Wait Today. Make sure you
subscribe to the channel. Make sureyou like review on the podcast. If
(15:01):
you're listening on podcasts, open upyour app hit that little plus button to
subscribe to the show so that itpops up every week. Make sure you
follow us on social media at IstraSmith on all platforms. Peace