Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up, guys. Welcome back to Smith's on Demand. Make
sure you like subscribe, do all the things. We're super
excited to come with this new video because as someone
who has been through not one, but two miscarriages, we
have learned a lot about how to support each other
during a first trimester. Each trimester was different, it got worse.
(00:24):
The first one was bad, the second one was really bad.
But we have learned so many different things. So we
just want to share what those things are so that
if you are and expecting couple, or if you're someone
who is also struggling with your first trimester, hopefully these
tips and tipbits can help you.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Welcome to Cow's Conversations, Smith's on Demand.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
We need a little something, yeah, you know, like a
lit I'll come up with one. I'll come up with one.
But I first want to talk about communication because one
thing that Drey and I have always done really well
is making sure that we communicate and like prepare and
plan ahead of time. So from the very beginning, everyone
(01:07):
needs to tell us like, oh, well, you can't plan
to have a baby. There's no perfect time. And we
were like very adamant about being strategic and making sure
that certain conversations were had, certain expectations were shared, and
that we were on the same page with what we
were wanting out of life as we transitioned into starting
a family. So we created a document and all of
(01:29):
our friends know this. They think it's funny, but also
they have been using it as a method for themselves too.
But me and Dre, anytime we communicate anything, we usually
always have like a form of a spreadsheet or a
document or a note created because I'm a firm believer
that if you create a plan, it should be written down.
It should be something you can go back look at
and hold yourself accountable too. So we did a doc
(01:53):
where I came up with my points of like my
expectations or what I thought would support me. I had
eight items listed. Dre had three.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Well, I would say before we did that.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
What made this challenging in the first place was that
we got pregnant the second time, like unexpected, like we
were not trying. We were sitting there like when we
were this happened.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
We were planning to try for baby second time. In July,
we found out we were pregnant.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
In yeah, So this so we had a plan to
sit down and talk about what we were going to do,
what our expect was going to be, how the last
time went. But then it kind of just came and
hit us, and we came out the gates stumbling as
a couple being on the same page. So that's when
we developed what Bria is talking about.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Yeah, very very valid point. It was one of those
things where we're like, oh, we forgot to prepare for this,
because we weren't preparing for it right like we thought
we had two more months before we were back in
the first shremester boat. So my things that I listed
and Dre's things that he listed, we talked it over.
(03:07):
He agreed that the things on my list were doable.
I agreed the things on his list were doable. And
I think for the second time, we just had some
unresolved things and feelings from our first experience and that
first miscarriage that I don't think either of us really
knew about. But then also keep in mind as we
(03:28):
are going through getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, getting pregnant,
and then now going through basically the same experience as
last time, where we go to the appointment, we don't
hear a heartbeat, but it's not a solid you're having
a miscarriage. They're like, well, it's faint, it's there, but
it's not consistent. It was almost like giving us hope,
but at the same time sending us home and being like,
(03:50):
see you in a few weeks. And that was the
most hard part of everything because having to wait and
not knowing what's happening. It just thoughts because you're kind
of just like in limbo. But the other part that
was really really hard was just how sick I was,
and so it meant that the expectations I had of
dre were even heightened because I just couldn't take care
(04:11):
of myself. I was struggling to literally even just getting
up and taking a shower was hard. So it was
just very difficult. So long story short, when it comes
to the communication, it is important that after you express
like this is what I'm expecting or this is what
I need, that you share examples and give like support
(04:32):
to the person to be able to do that. So
I'm going to try to think of one good example.
Oh okay, so, like I had said, food, right, Like,
since I don't have an appetite and all these things
are happening, it's going to be moments where I'm sporadically
really hungry and I need something like right away. But
most of the time I'm gonna be nauseous and I'm
(04:52):
not gonna want anything at all, but still try to, like,
you know, get me to eat something that is very vague, right,
it's like food, make sure I'm eating. What I had
to end up doing, like a week or two after,
was like, okay, I had to be really specific. I
was like, in the morning, when you wake up, brew
me a cup of tea and just sit it on
my nightstand. I don't care if it's cold by the
(05:14):
time I wake up, just sit on my nightstand because
that'll help me with like getting out the bed. And
then second, my nausea is all day long, but it
hits the hardest when I actually get up out of bed.
So like, if I stay in bed all day, the
nausea is like doable. But the moment I put my
feet on the ground, I stand up and I start moving,
it's like someone threw me off a ship and I'm
(05:34):
just like whoa out here? So I was like, toast,
just toast one piece of toast. You don't have to
put anything on it. And just set that next to
the tea. So if I'm waking up, I have my
toast and have my tea. So like, that's the difference
between saying like food and being like, here is an
exact example of what I would like you to do,
and it's something that's easy, effortless, but just show up
(05:55):
in that way, right. So I would say that because
we had to come back to the expectations and be
like you're not doing them, why aren't you doing it?
And get really, really really clear on what that was.
So anything else for expectations, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
So two things as far as expectation and communication. I
would say that Brian and I have been together for
what eight years now, and one thing this process taught
me around expectations. It's something that people who are in
relationships they could take away from this, And it might
sound weird in the beginning, but I think you'll understand
(06:33):
that as I explained, it is a lot of people
need to lower the expectations that they come into a
relationship with. And it's not necessarily meaning lower your standards
for the person you want to be with. It's instead
of coming in with so much expectations, set the expectations
(06:53):
within your relationship, because really, what expectations are is I
expect you to know this without me communicating it to you, right,
And that's where we get in trouble.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Think about it.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
When you're expecting somebody to do something you expect, you're
hoping or feeling that they should know how to do
it without you actually saying to them, I need you
to do this, and that's dangerous going into a relationship,
so or going into different phases of your relationship. So
I think that's something that we learned that it was like, Okay,
(07:26):
we went into this process expecting a lot of things
from each other instead of coming into it and setting
the expectations. So we kind of shifted mid this first
trimester of going from oh, we expected this of one
another versus, let's start setting the expectation for what we want.
(07:46):
And that's what were described. So I would suggest to
anybody as you're entering into relationships, as you're entering into
different phases of your life in a relationship, go in
with less expectations, going willing to set expectations with each other,
because if you assume somebody's gonna know something, that's when
you'll start to get in trouble. And the second thing
(08:08):
based off what she said is that we have some
like unresolved things. One of my coaches in college always
said that we're all like tea bags. You don't know
what's in us until workplace in hot water. And that's
so true like in relationships. And I tell people all
the time that every moment in your relationship is like
the brick that you're laying for the house your relationship
(08:31):
would be in and built on. And the thing that
sucks about problems in your home is that you don't
understand it's a problem until the storm comes. Right that's
when you figure out that this thing leaks, if you know,
rain comes and all that. So it's like for so long,
brion I were like, we're good, we're good, we're happy,
(08:51):
like and we were very happy. But we really thought
we had an understanding of each other and knew each
other all up and down and there was no issues.
But we didn't realize is that there were some cracks
in the foundation. There was some things in the roof
that need to be sealed. So when that storm came unexpectedly,
our house was not prepared like we thought it was
(09:13):
to ride out what that storm and new phase of
our life was going to be. So we had to realize, like, Okay,
we need to get some help to patch some of
this stuff up so that we understand the next time
this storm comes that we are fully prepared. So I
would encourage those people who are out there in relationships
(09:33):
and looking for relationships. You are really building your stamina
and endurance for your relationship in moments when things are
good right. Don't let things just pass by because you're
in a good space and you don't want to address them,
Like constantly talk, constantly, communicate, constantly, try to get things
(09:54):
right even in the moments when the storm isn't there,
because when the storm comes, you want to make sure
that your house has secured, your relationship is secured, and
there are no cracks in the foundation, because, like I said,
it always sucks because you find out you have them
cracks at the worst possible time that it could come,
because it's a storm already happening. So if you can
(10:16):
try to figure out those things before the storm happens,
it would definitely help the process.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Especially because the woman is not herself like first trimester,
I have not heard of many women say that like
within their pregnancy, they didn't experience extreme like emotional rollercoaster
where it's like one minute you're happy, one minute you're sad.
And I had gotten to the point where everything Dre
(10:43):
did irritated me, and everything he didn't do irritated me.
The thought of him just irritated me, and I had
no logical explanation for why. It was just I had
like my spirit was just so irritated. And I think
it has a lot to do with like the hormones
(11:04):
and just overall emotion and the act of like feeling alone,
like first try muster or just getting pregnant. In general,
it feels very alone because even though your partner is
going through it with you, they're not physically experiencing what
you're experiencing, and so it's like it's hard to explain,
but you want them to feel like they're going through
it with you. So I remember at times I would
(11:26):
try to explain to him what I was feeling, but
like if his response was just like okay, or you know,
like I don't whatever the response was, I was never
happy with the response. It was just always feeling like
I'm in this alone. I'm in this alone. I'm in
this alone, and so I really do think it's important
for couples as you're starting a family and going through
like that first pregnancy for girls, for you to have
(11:48):
a support system, whether it be like a community of
others you know, pregnant moms or friends who have kids
actively who have gone through it multiple times, Like you
just need an outlet to feel like you're not alone,
because it does feel very isolating. So the next thing
I want to talk about is the research because I
feel like if you know better, you do better. And
(12:08):
I'm more so talking about the men here because since
you are not actively going through the physical journey, it
is nice to know, as a woman going through it
that your husband has an understanding of what is happening
to your body. Right, So I mean with chat GBT,
everything and anything is accessible. You type in a question.
(12:29):
So if the woman is being hormonal and you don't
understand why she's randomly crying, you can go ask chat GBT.
You could say, my wife is seven weeks pregnant, she's
crying a lot, what should I do or why is
this happening? And it's going to explain to you exactly
what is happening and what you can do to support
her in that phase. And so the same way like men,
when you guys get obsessive with things, Dre's thing is
(12:52):
always technology. He will research that thing up and down.
He will watch tons of tutorial videos, he will do
trial and error testing on that thing. He will spend
hours diving into that thing because the interest is there.
So I think it helps a woman who's actively going
through pregnancy to feel like her husband is invested and
interested in what she's dealing with. So having some knowledge
(13:15):
and information. One of the apps that we used our
first go round, because again we were tracking and trying
to get pregnant, was Flow. And the cool thing about
Flow is it showed you every week what was happening,
and it kind of just gave like a really brief
snippet of like, this is exactly what's happening to your body,
this is what's going on with the baby, and this
is what you can expect within the next coming days.
(13:36):
That allowed both of us to kind of have information
and kind of be like, oh, this is what's happening,
and it just kind of helped with like being on
the same page. So whatever it is that you and
your partner need do that, but I do think research
is important. My first trimester, I read What to Expect
when You're Expecting. That book was really good, very vague,
but overall just a healthy book to read on the
(13:59):
go or listen to. I used to listen to it
when I walk to the gym, and it just would
like kind of get me excited for certain things, because
I think pregnancy can be really scary, So finding things
that you could read or listen to that talks about
all the exciting, cool things that are happening is helpful
as well.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
No, I agree. I think I think it's twofold from
a male perspective.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I think that the research will definitely give you an
idea of what's happening, but I think it's research can
be done in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Right.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
You can do things like looking up on Google or
talking to chat GPT and it's giving you or painting
a picture of what she may be going through. And
I think one of the main advantages of that is
just her, like Brie said, feeling like you're in it
with her and that you are trying to figure it
out and you're trying to help her out. But I
think once you get in it and are physically going
(14:52):
through it and experiencing it. Having the not necessarily research,
but having other men who who have gone through it,
who really are about their wives, who really are about
their kids as a resource will be very helpful because
it's a lot of emotions going on, and like Brisay,
it's kind of hard to when your partner is going
(15:15):
through something, especially physically, it's kind of hard and hormonally,
it's very difficult because you physically still see the same person, right, like,
that's the person I'm married, that's my wife, that's my partner. However,
they are a completely different person based off of their
levels and hormones and the different things they are physically
(15:36):
going through, So it's kind of hard to mentally separate that, oh,
this is a completely different moment in their life, so
therefore how they act emotionally, the things they're going through physically,
their reactions to you, their perception of you, like all
these things are changed, where you're kind of dealing with
a different human being who in this moment has different
(15:57):
needs and different wants at this time period, and you
have to understand that. But when you're in it, it
does take an adjustment because the outer shell is still
the same person that you've always known them to be, right,
So having other men that have gone through the process
that can let you know sometimes like, first, you're not crazy, right,
(16:19):
pretty much all of our friends that we talked to
have gone through the same thing with their.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Yah.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Yeah, like husbands making the adjustment as you know, the
wife is adjusting to the physical that it's happening, like
it's it's all just a normal and natural thing because
a lot of things are instinctually for us as men
that we're trying to do and not have to take
on aren't necessarily supernatural for us. So there's a period
of us having to try to figure out what to
(16:48):
do and rightfully. So your wife or partner might get
upset at you right for not doing things and dropping
the ball like I did it myself. I didn't do
everything great or perfect our last experience with it, So
it's like it's definitely an adjustment period. By having people
that you can talk to and help you through it
(17:09):
will will definitely make the process a lot better. And
understanding or trying not to take anything to heart that
she is saying or feeling in that moment because it
is driven from a place that it's like not probably
actually how she feels once she snaps out of all
the stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
I want to give an example too of like how
like spiraling thoughts can be so like there was a
situation where Dre like walked out. He walked out the
apartment and there was like a whole food's bag sitting
on a console table, and my thought went to, oh,
my god, he's not going to be able to take
care of our kids. How am I going to have
(17:50):
kids with this man? He just walked past the bag
and didn't throw it away. Like It's like the spiral
thoughts were intrusive. I was like, what is happening? And
I remember saying him. I was like, I was like, well,
if this is what pregnancy is like, having kids is
going to be ridiculous. And he was like what And
it was over something so silly, But it's like, you're
(18:10):
just in this like worrisome state, at least for me.
For women who did not experience this, good for you.
Good for you. It was not fun. But I do
want to say this, getting pregnant and starting a family
is a major life transition, and Dre and I were
going through that as We were also navigating one of
(18:32):
the biggest life transitions that we've ever had in eight
years of marriage or in eight years of being together,
which was that I let go of my full time
business and was not We literally were like, you don't
prioritize making money. You just focus on getting and having
a happy, healthy baby. And when that happens, right, what
(18:53):
a blessing to be, Like, Wow, like you're gonna let
me retire my business and just focus on becoming a mom.
But then my imagine going through miscarriage once and then
going through it again that level of almost pressure again
totally self self regular, not self regulated, what's the word.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
What, like you brought it on yourself, essentially.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Totally self assigned. I assigned that pressure to me all
on my own. He was not thinking about that at all.
But for me, I just felt like the utmost failure
because I was like, I'm not bringing an income failure,
one job. I have one job, make a baby failure
Like it just it takes a lot of your mental
(19:37):
and emotional and physical energy to like wake up every
day and try to be like the best version of
yourself when you're going through these two very very different
life transitions at the same time. And then on the
other hand, as a man, dre is He's like, I'm
holding down the fort right, I'm working, but I'm working
from home full time, and then also trying to tend
(19:59):
to your and take care of you. So like he's
also going through a major life transition where he's solely
responsible for income, and then where he's solely responsible for
the house, which he does a lot of things well,
tending to the entire house, cooking, cleaning, and work. It's
not his ministry. So it's like both of us going
(20:21):
through these very difficult transitions at the same time with
two totally different perspectives and feelings. It was a lot
which brings us to the next point, which is seeking
outside like professional help, because Drey mentioned finding people who
have gone through it because they can relate, they can
give advice, they can let you know you're not crazy
(20:42):
or not alone. But professional advice, specifically prenatal therapists. I
had done a lot of research to figure out, like, Okay,
how can we make sure that not only do we
get through this miscarriage, but that we properly process and
grieve it. Because we were very, very good with the
first one, like we were. I mean even when I
(21:03):
was at the appointment getting the surgery, I didn't cry
out once. Second go around, volunteers had no idea what
was wrong with me. Everyone was worried and it was
just a completely night and day difference. And so we're like,
how do we make sure we process, we heal, we deal,
we move on, and then we do it again, but better.
And after doing the research and after reaching out to
(21:26):
a few people, majority of them, especially the women of color.
They didn't work with men. They only provided prenatal therapy
for the woman, and I specifically wanted to do couples
counseling around it, and so we were like, you know,
just casually talking about it. And I think I was
the one that mentioned, like, what if we just go
back to your parents because for those of you who
(21:47):
don't know, Dre's parents did our pre marital counseling for
almost two years leading up to our marriage, and it
was amazing. At first, I was like, ah, do I
want to tell your parents every life think about me
because you'll know I'm a reform gangsta.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
Okay, So I was like, they're gonna find out on
the thug and they're gonna be like, oh no, dra,
what have you got yourself into? But it was honestly
the best because there was no biasness. They are very
like much to the book. And when I say to
the book, I'm talking about the viable. So everything is
God driven.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
It is the entire foundation of everything that they taught us,
and every tool they put in our toolbox came from that.
So when I mentioned it, Dre was like, yeah, let's
just do it, and literally he just like, we're going tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (22:32):
I was like, I mean I had the relationship with
my parents where sitting and talking about things was like
pretty much what we did like that was our bonding.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
That's how we operate in our home. So when she
was like my parents, I was like, all right, this
is a Sunday eating and for me. So I mean,
that's fine, I don't care.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
I didn't know if because we had not done any
counseling with them since being married, so I just thought
like it would be like a boundary for him. But
it was nice that it wasn't. And again, we are
very fortunate to have, especially me, to have in laws
who are just so wise, so kind, so level headed,
(23:11):
so God fearing to where they can really help us
unpack and deal things. And what's funny is every time
we've gone to a session with them, they don't actually
tell us what to do at all. They don't give
any answers, they don't tell us if we're right, if
we're wrong, none of that. It's very much like this
is the principle, and then from that we're able to
then walk away and know exactly how to deal with
(23:33):
the situation because it's not about being right or wrong.
And that was one thing that after we sat in
that four hour long session was like four hours straight too.
After we sat through that four hour session, I was like, wow,
I didn't even know how much I needed it as
much as I did personally, like it helped me more
(23:54):
as bree the person, the individual, then breathe the wife,
and then like us as a unit. But it was like,
it was mind blowing. So we're going to share some
of our notes from that session.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Yeah, it was definitely helpful.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
I think sometimes when it talking to somebody can be
very helpful in a lot of different ways. Some people
need specific problems that they're working through, but other times.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
A lot of us just need a recharge. We just need.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
It's kind of like when you have a car, like
you go to get your annual checkups.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Like you can do certain things on your own.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
You can put oil in your car, you can feel
the wipe or fluid up. If you need to change
a light, you could possibly change a light. But sometimes
you need that hard like reset and recharge and refuel
from an outside source that can really get you back
on track. And I think for us the session was
less about this is what you need to do to
(24:55):
solve your current problem versus like this is your reminder
of what you know to be true, versus thinking about
how you're feeling based off of your emotions. Yes, and
sometimes you need that somebody to just be like first
to hear you out so that you can say your
part in a place to where you don't feel judged
(25:17):
and you don't feel like there is a bias. But
then that person can seek through all of the surface
stuff right and actually get to the root of the
problem to say, this is what the real issue is.
And you just need to be reminded of what you
should be focused on and what you should not be
focused on.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
And that's why we thought it was like really helpful.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Well I thought was funny. They were like, go ahead,
like do you guys share, Like sure, what you came
to share? And I'm like I probably talked for like
thirty forty five minutes straight. And then they're like, okay,
DeAndre and he's like and we say all these things.
(26:04):
Pop goes opens up the Bible, goes write in description
and essentially the first thing that he said to us
was go off of what you know to be true, Like, basically,
y'all are talking a lot about you did talk a
(26:24):
good amount. I had a lot to talk about because
I was one summering, okay, but I had all these things.
Dre had all these things. And then Pop's like, y'all
are talking about how you made each other feel feelings, feelings, feelings,
and he was like, focus on what you know to
(26:44):
be true and goes, Bree, do you love Dre? And
I was like, yes, do you know Dre loves you?
Speaker 5 (26:50):
I'm like yes, I oh, we gotta talk about the
frog thing too, but I'm like, yeah, of course, yes,
that us my boy.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
But it's like, I also don't they can break out.
But AnyWho, that was the very first thing that they said,
and it was so like simple but so deep because
all of my feelings was based off of feeling like.
None of it was based off of like facts, none
of it was based off of the history of our relationship,
(27:22):
none of it was based off of who my husband
actually is. It was just all wrapped in feelings.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
So a few notes and I will explain what they
meant by that too. It's like when you know something,
it doesn't change what happens, but it lets you. It
first changes how you receive things. Right, if you know
somebody truly loves you, then instead of receiving it as
if it's something done out of malice, you would think
(27:48):
it's something done out of not knowing or ignorance, or
you know them not really truly understanding what impact it
has on you. But then also how you commune. If
you know somebody loves you, you will communicate as hey,
we are both on the same team here. I'm not
communicating with you as if you're the enemy. But if
(28:09):
you go based off of your feelings, if you're angry
at that time, you're not talking to that person like
there's somebody who loves you or you're somebody who loves them,
You're talking as somebody who is angry and upset at somebody.
And that's when we end up doing things in our
relationship that we end up regretting or saying things that
we truly can't take back. So I talked to Breed.
(28:30):
We were like, yep, pit, the emotions could be in
the car, but don't let them be in the driver's.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Seat, which mine be. It'd be three of them driving
at the same time. One got their foot on the
gas and one got their foot on the brick, and
one is just trying to control the music and it's
like it's a hot mess or not getting anywhere. It's
just chaotics.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
And then what she know? The love is in the back.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Like see how down?
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Stop?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
But I want to read this. So Dre's mom shared
the parable of the Blind Men and an Elephant. So
as I read through this, remember that our elephant at
this time was us going through a second miscarriage. Essentially,
the parable of blind Man of the Blind Men and
an Elephant is the story of a group of blind
(29:19):
men who have never come across the elephant before, and
who learned that the image or and who learn and
imagine what Okay, I'm sorry. The parable of the blind
Men and an elephant. Why can't I read this? Is it?
It's a story of a group of blind men who
have never come across an elephant before, and who learn
and imagine what the elephant is like by touching it.
(29:42):
Each blind man feels a different part of the elephant's body,
but only one part, such as the side, or the
tusk or the leg. They describe the animal based on
their limited experience, and their description of the elephant are
all different from each other. In some versions, they come
to suspect that the other person is shonists, and they
come to blows.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
They end up fighting.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
The moral of the parable is that humans have a
tendency to claim absolute truth based on their limited subjective experience,
as they ignore other people's limited subjective experiences, which may
be equally true. The parable originated in the ancient Indian. Okay,
that's some pot. Let me try out this visual. So
on this visual, you can see that there's someone who
(30:23):
is touching the trunk and they're like, oh, this is
a snake. Then you have one who's touching the side
of the elephant and he's like, this is a wall.
I'm touching a wall. Then you have one who is
touching the tail and he's like, it's a rope. So
if one's like it's a snake, one's like it's a wall,
and one's like it's a rope, none of them are
technically wrong right from their limited perspective. But if they
(30:48):
take the blind folds off and step back, they all
will see that it is an elephant. So I thought
that was a really, really great way for her to
take all of our feelings and everything that we had
talked about and be like, you guys are looking and
dealing with the exact same thing, Like the experience, the
situation is this thing, but because you all have your
(31:09):
own perspectives and you're only seeing and feeling and experiencing.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
What you are.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Because I'm not him and he's not me, we're butting
heads instead of coming together and dealing with it in
a healthy way. So that was very, very helpful for me.
I'm a visual person, and that whole thing just changed
the game for me. I think that's not true just
in marriage, but in friendships and in relationships with family members.
(31:35):
Like that is such a good analogy. I'm obsessed, But anyways, it.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
Works for every part of your life. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
I always say, you can't understand the full picture of
something unless you're able to see it from different perspectives.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
And that's essentially what this is.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
And that's luckily I've had the parents that I've had
that have instilled that in me a lot of like
making sure you try to see things for different perspectives.
But when emotions get involved, it does clouds your judgment.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
Sometimes it makes it.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
Very hard to do that because I mean, in this
example we use an elephant, but it could be something
that's let's say, more physically hurtful, right, And you want
your experience to be acknowledged because there is pain in
your experience.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
There are things that you are feeling. Your experience is.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
Real, and when somebody seems to, whether purposely or not purposely,
discount your experience, then you get more emotional and angry
or upset about that on top of the pain that
you're already feeling. But then sometimes that will make us
lose sight of that somebody else could be feeling the
same thing. And that's one thing that we discovered when
(32:50):
we sat down and talked, is that the way that
we were feeling about each other was the exact same
feeling it was just manifesting itself in different ways within
our relationship. So again having the time to talk it
out and going back to what do we really know
about each other and what do we know is going
on and what do we know about the situation, because
(33:10):
I think it goes further than knowing that we love
each other. It's also talking about the research that Brits
talking about.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
It is like if you know.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
During this time when women get pregnant that this is
a possibility or hormones do.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
Change, Like those are things that you know.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
When you know more things than you won't be out
there like guessing about what this could be or what
this couldn't be.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Yeah, do you want to talk about the analogy that
she gave about the kids on a roller coaster?
Speaker 3 (33:39):
Yeah, she talked about when I was in middle school
and there was a principal. My middle school principal told
them as parents that I guess this, I don't want
to mess it up, but essentially that middle school is
a lot and it's a roller coaster for kids, and
she suggested parents not to ride the roller coaster with them,
(34:02):
but be there for them when they get off. Essentially,
and I thought that that was definitely more applicable for
me because obviously I am not physically going through all
the things that Bria is going through in the relationship,
so part of how she's feeling is not only just
(34:24):
a physical feeling of what she's going through, but there
are hormonal changes and at times it's definitely a real thing,
and not saying it's never not real, but it's a
roller coaster, like the emotions are heightened right, Like in
her normal state, something could happen and she may not
even care, right but in this state, if something happened,
(34:45):
like it could be from up here now here to
go from yelling to crying like it's like it could
be all over the place. So for me, it's like
I know and set the expectation within the relationship that
this is going to be in a roller coaster, especially
emotionally for her. What I have to do is keep
my mind steady and saying instead of riding all the
(35:08):
ups and downs completely with her, I just have to
be there for her when she comes off and when
she needs me, especially like Bri said, while she's going
through what she's going through, I'm working, but then I
got to try to get her food and do this,
so my brain is in a lot of different places,
and it will make all of what I have to
(35:28):
do much more difficult if I have to ride the
roller coaster with her all the time as she's going
through the different changes her body's going through.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Yeah, here's another tip for my ladies. I was doing
this thing where I was trying to hide how much
I was crying because I didn't want him to feel
bad for me, or I don't know, I don't know
if I was embarrassed. I don't know what it was.
But I was crying so much like at least and
(35:57):
when I say crying, not like a tear. It would
be like sobbing, crying, like face wet crying at least
five to six times a day. And I would usually
go do it in my bathroom because I knew if
I did it in the bed, he could like walk
in and just like see me. So I would like
cry my hiding, or I would hide my crying so
(36:18):
that I don't know, like maybe I didn't feel like
as much of a burden. But at the same time,
I would be upset when he would do or not
do certain things because I'm like I'm crying all day long.
I can't go to the gym blah blah blah blah,
and you're doing X, Y and Z, and it's like
he has no idea that I've cried six times today.
So it's also like, if you say you don't want
(36:40):
to be alone and you want your person to go
through it with you, you have to actually allow them
to go through it with you. And I should have
been communicating how much I was crying and coming to
him when I was crying and giving him an opportunity
to console me, versus me making myself feel like I'm alone.
And then now I'm projecting all these things onto him
(37:02):
that he's not even aware of, right, So that and.
Speaker 3 (37:05):
Then I'll say, too, is that Like I encourage people
because from my perspective, especially as a man, like I
encourage people, especially women, if you're in a relationship, if
you're truly feeling something, don't in the presence of your husband,
try to be strong and hold it together because he
needs those indicators to.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
Know what the true stakes are of how you're feeling.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
Because a lot of times you'll get in a position
which happened with us, to where you'll be like I'm
not showing you how I truly feel because I'm trying
to hold it together. But then at the same time,
I'm mad at you for not understanding what the stakes
truly are. But I'm like, if you're trying to hide
how you're feeling, how am I supposed to know how
you're feeling. The quickest way for me to snap out
(37:51):
of whatever you are saying I'm doing, or for a
man to snap out of whatever thing you're saying he's
doing and ignoring how and ignoring how you feel is
if you start crying and that man loves you, whatever
he's doing is going to stop because he's going to
try to figure out what in the world is going
on and what.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Could I do to help stop this? What do you
need from me?
Speaker 3 (38:12):
Because as somebody who loves their wife, you crying like,
it's kind of like a parent with.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
A child's like where's he at? What's like? Let me
at him? Like? What got you? What got my baby? Crying? Like?
Speaker 3 (38:27):
That's the feeling that a man who loves his wife
will truly feel. So don't hide that emotion from him
if you're going through that, because that's his indicator, right,
that's his thing to understand and know like, oh, something
is wrong, I need to pay more attention to this.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Yeah, And then I think one of the hardest things
is if you're a woman who in your first semester
is very sick and is told not to work out
and to do like limited activity and to listen to
your body and all those things, it's pretty hard to
be in a good healthy mental state because if your
(39:07):
activity is taken away, if you're not able to get
up and go for walks or like have sun on
your face, or work out or do the things that
bring you joy and excitement, it just feels like you're
just not yourself. And when you're not yourself, the one
person who you should be able to lean on is
your husband. So I would vocalize often to Dre that like,
(39:31):
I was very upset that I couldn't do all those things,
but when I was forcing myself to do the mode
end up in me throwing up crying because I couldn't
make it through a workout or it just made me
feel even worse about myself. So I had to just
be okay with like being still. But if I and
when I do it all again, when we have another
first trimester. One of the things I'm really prioritizing is
(39:55):
just my mental and not relying on physical as much.
So simply just like get up and doing like a
five minute journal slash meditation stretch, and just like being
active in my personal space so that if I do that,
I can feel accomplished, versus having this goal of like
I'm gonna walk thirty minutes to the gym and then
when I get there, I'm gonna take a pilatus class
and I'm gonna walk all the way back. And it's like, girl, no,
(40:17):
you're not. And when you try and you don't do it,
you're gonna feel like you've failed, and you're gonna not
feel confident in yourself, so it's worse. So it's almost
like rewiring your brain to start with the very little
small things that bring you joy and then slowly start
to allow yourself to build up. And I heard once
you get past the first trimester, the second is a
glow up. So pray for me. But I do want
(40:37):
to touch on this, and this is the last thing
I want to share is his mom talked about this
mountain and hill analogy of how like you know, in
order to get to the top of the mountain, it
takes climbing, but in order to get to the top
of the next mountain, you have to go down into
the valley and then back up. And so it's this
thing where essentially she was like, girl, you at the
(41:00):
top of the mountain, and instead of going back down
to get back up, you're trying to spend all your
time and energy on figuring out how you're gonna jump
from this top to that next mountaintop, so much though
that you're wasting your time, energy resources. If you would
have just went down, you had it came back up
by now. But I was being very stubborn like, and
(41:22):
this is just in how I was living life and
how my mindset was was like, no, I'm going to
figure out a way to get there quicker, smarter, with
less energy, less effort, and I don't gotta go down there.
And I missed five different mountaintops just by staying up
on this one trying to cheat my way onto the
next one. So I thought that that was a really
good analogy.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Yeah, I think it really boils down a process like
so many people, and I mean, I think that's why
a lot of people have trouble with relationships today is
so many people want to avoid going through the process
that it takes to get to the next mountaintop. Like
Brice said, you start on this one mountain top, but
(42:02):
in order to get to the next one, the process
is climbing down, climbing back up. But there are challenges
between the scaling or whatever you call it, going down
the mountain, descending the mountain, but also ascending back up
to the next mountain. Everybody wants to skip. As you
progress in business, as you progress in your career, as
(42:25):
you progress in maturity. It's kind of almost like we
feel this obligation or this feeling that we don't need
to now go through the process and we should circumvent
what it actually takes to get to the next mountaintop.
But process is such a big thing in a relationship,
(42:45):
and that's an expectation that you should come into a
relationship with, is that every new season, every new thing
that you go through in your relationship is going to
be a process. It takes time to figure out. Like
one of the biggest things that I told her or
in this process is like, yeah, you know, I'm not
nailing it. You know, we're not seeing eye to eye.
(43:05):
But it's okay because this is part of the process.
This is our this is a new experience for us.
This is something that we haven't done before, even in
the second try, Like you haven't ever been this sick,
you know, when we did it the first time. So
everything is new, and people want, for some reason when
(43:27):
they're doing something new for it to just be smooth
and easy and seamless, especially when you're dealing with another
human being and their emotions, and that's just not how
it works. So the Mountain analogy and Hell's analogy is
so great because it's really talking about that there's a
process when it comes to anything. And also the sense
(43:48):
of accomplishment and true happiness doesn't come from when you're
jumping from mountaintop to mountaintop. It comes from when you
descended in all the work that took and then and
all the work that took and you reached the mountaintop,
especially as a couple together, that's when you have those
true moments of happiness. So although we went through a
(44:08):
tough time, like we took some time off, took a
little vacation, and that was some of the best time
we had together. And there wasn't any They say drama
is unresolved conflict. There wasn't any drama. We resolved the conflict,
we talked about it. So the space that we were
truly in and that moment was so great and so amazing.
(44:29):
But guess what, we wouldn't have known that we even
had the issue if the storm didn't come. The roof
didn't leak, and we knew we need to patch that
part of our relationship. So now going into it after
the storm, our house is in a much better situation
and our relationship is much better situation to where there
is no petty jabs, there is no receiving something wrong
(44:51):
because we address what the true issue is. But that's
just part of the process, Like you have to be
able to go through that process in order to get
on the other side of what you actually need.
Speaker 1 (45:01):
And it's kind of like if you live on top
of the mountaintop, sooner or later, you're gonna start to
not appreciate the view, right, You're gonna be like, oh,
this old thing. But when you're in the trenches, when
you're in the valley and you're climbing back up, it's
gonna make getting to that view feel so much worth it,
(45:21):
so much more valuable, so much more precious. And so
I think what's what happened with us was like we've
had a really great and I would say easy marriage
because we don't really have problems like this, and going
through it one it made me be like, WHOA, Okay,
well we're real because everyone always would tell us like girl,
(45:42):
which we get married, it gets hard, and like we've
had a very easy marriage and a sense of like
happiness and fulfillment and being on the same page and
just enjoying doing life together. But going through something like that,
it now it makes me even more grateful for the
marriage that I have. So yeah, I mean big shout
(46:03):
out to mom Pop because y'all did y'all big one.
And I left just feeling so encouraged. I remember I
text my friends saying that I just felt like God
himself hugged me, like I felt like his arms are
up around me and just tell me it's gonna be
okay and like you were mine and everything will be fine.
But that's what happens when you have minister parents who
(46:28):
loved the Lord. It was just it was much needed.
But my last tip, because this was something that I
just thought of that was such a struggle for me
during that first try muster and this happened both times,
I got really bloated and fluffy, like everywhere. And I
don't know if it was that I felt I was
or if I physically was, but there were times where
(46:49):
I physically was like dry. Look I look like I'm
three months pregnant, and I know I'm not. Like, I
know I'm not showing. I know that that's not that,
but like, I was so uncomfortable in my skin just
due to all the hormonal stuff that was happening that
if I or not if, but when I get pregnant
the next go around, we are going to set aside
a budget for just some loose, comfy, swaggy type of
(47:12):
like clothes because everything I put on I felt like
I felt like a balloon that was just like getting
blown up and was about to like pop. It was
just so uncomfortable. I didn't want to be seen. I
didn't want to go anywhere. So I would say, if
you start to see that like you two are bloating,
just get some comfy, larger clothes versus not leaving your house,
because I think, like me not leaving the house was
(47:35):
hard on me mentally and then harder on him because
then if he would go out, he woud feel guilt.
He's like, we're you at home? My goodness? Same so
thought she was when I left, And you know she
ain't seeing her friend, she's not doing nothing. She takes
me to my last tip, which is guys, men, husbands,
(47:56):
baby daddies do things to hell you girl out. So
when I was down in the dumps and like I
would say, like, I just like I haven't seen anybody.
I just feel so alone, Like but it's like, oh,
why don't you go? And I'm like, no, Like I
don't want to be seen. I don't want to leave
the house. It would have been really nice for my
friends to just like come over and see me, or
(48:18):
for Drea to hit up the girls and be like,
y'all know Brie has been stra ruggling. She over here,
she look a hot mess. If y'all could just like
come over, maybe bring a few different little like you know,
snacks or something like hopefully maybe she'll eat one of
them or some of them, but like, can y'all just
come and hang out with her? Like having other people
(48:38):
in my space, I think would have helped me not
feel so alone, And it wasn't like any anybody knew like, oh,
Bree feels alone, let's do this thing for her. So
I do think that next go around, I will do
better with communicating when I'm lonely to be like friends,
I'm lonely, but I don't want to go outside. Can
(48:58):
you guys just come over and can we have a
girls day at my house? Or telling Dre like I
don't feel like being outside outside, Can we like do
a date night tonight just in the house on the
couch or little things like that to feel like again
you're not alone while also not feeling like you don't
have another option. So yep, those are all my fips.
(49:21):
Hopefully we don't come back with a with a third one,
and hopefully we make it all the way through next time.
But do you have anything else that you feel you
want to share?
Speaker 3 (49:32):
I just think everything will be okay, right, It's not.
You're not going through something that nobody, no matter how
it feels, you're not going through something that other people
have not been through thousands, millions, hundreds of millions of
people over the existence of time. Like pretty much, it's
like I think the Bible, Solomon says, it's nothing new
(49:54):
under the sun, Like no matter how far you go back,
it's like the course of human history, Like we've all
all gone through these types of things before. So everything
will be okay, even though in the moment it might
seem like a challenge. As long as you guys, remember
and know that you love one another and treat each
other with that love and do your best to try
(50:14):
to figure it out, Like everything will work itself out.
Just try to be as kind as you could possibly be,
and rely on those resources, those trusted resources around you
that can help you recharge because in these moments, like
I think one thing that we realize is that getting
that recharge to go back out there and you get
(50:35):
that fresh perspective is needed. Like you're gonna need time
to like go out, hang out with friends, or talk
to somebody or take your mind off of what's going
on so that you could come back and be.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
Refreshed to be there for your person. So everything will
be okay.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
Yes,