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October 25, 2023 • 19 mins
Welcome! In this episode, Dre & Bre Talk about What Does Fair Look Like In Relationships?

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Episode Transcript

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(00:00):
Hey guys, it's every and wewaited three years to have sexual marriage.
Now that we're married, we're offeringour perspective on what it takes to discover
and sustain a relationship worth waiting for. Welcome to the Worth the Wait podcast,
Last Zone, The Lessons Coming Night, less Coming Night. Hey everyone,

(00:27):
today I'm worthy weight. We aretalking about what fair really looks like
in a relationship. This is oneof Breed's favorite words. If you watched
the last episode, bre talked abouthow she has some brat tendencies and one
of those things is fair. It'sjust not fair. Did you say that
a lot with You're mad me always? Let me just start with this.

(00:51):
Me and Dre are not going toagree on this episode. I feel like
I think so we'll see, we'llsee. It's literally one of my favorite
keywords, like, I think thingsshould be fair, but I'll let you
begin. Yeah, so I meanfair. I think in relationships, you
know, there should be a balancein responsibilities, a balance and things that

(01:15):
happen. But what that looks likeis not always at every time being fifty
to fifty. And I think that'ssomething that we would agree on that in
every single thing and every single actionis not always you do half of this.
You do half of this, andthat makes it fair. Sometimes somebody
may take on the brunt of theresponsibilities. It might be seventy thirty for
some things, and for a certainamount of time, it might be eighty

(01:38):
twenty the opposite way another time,then it might be sixty forty. Then
at times it might be a fiftyto fifty thing. But as you have
the ebbs and flows and as relationshipsgo, there's going to be a balance
that happens. And what you're takinginto consideration is the overall balance of everything
and the overall time of things happeningversus just in each single moment, are

(02:04):
you doing exactly the equal of whatI am doing? Okay, let me
give my thought all this, SoI agree with what you said right about
sometimes it's eighty twenty blah blah blah. But the part that I don't agree
with is like, for example,if you're saying, like, financially right,
if someone it's not always going tobe fifty to fifty. But what

(02:28):
is fair to me is if you'remaking eighty percent of the income and I'm
making twenty percent of the income inthat moment and in that time, then
my load from responsibilities at home shouldbe higher. I think that that's fair,
and then vice versa. If you'rethe twenty yes, or that's balance,
so right. But that's what I'msaying when whenever I feel like I'm

(02:50):
using fair as a thing, it'slike I'm thinking from an overall balanced standpoint
or whatever is happening in that spaceor in that moment or time, like
what is fair to each of ustaking all things considered? If that makes
sense. No, I think we'realigned on that. I think that she's
coming in wanting to know because everytime I say for you always you think

(03:14):
me. I think there's a difference. I think there's a difference between the
balance and responsibilities versus where fair maycome and where we have different definitions of
it, of what an equal compromiseis or fair compromises. So it's like
if you're coming into a situation andtwo people want two different things and you're
trying to determine what the actual compromiseis, then we have different definitions of

(03:38):
what fair could possibly be or whatis equal for both of us in that
moment, and some people may feellike on each and everything. It has
to be a fifty to fifty weboth get what we want. But sometimes
the compromise may be what's fair isall right on this time we're doing what
you want. Then on the nexttime we do what you want, and

(03:58):
then over time said, then itshould balance out to be pretty fair or
pretty much equal over time. Itshouldn't be a huge imbalance on somebody feeling
one way, or you know,somebody always getting their way and somebody never
getting their way, or somebody alwaysbeing the one to compromise and somebody never
be in a point where they're compromisingin the entire relationship. So I think

(04:23):
that that's where the balance comes inand the fair part comes in. Let
me ask you this. So Ihad wrote when I saw that we were
talking about this. What I wrotedown or what my note was said that
when two people come together, eachperson has expectations that they have, and

(04:45):
what makes a relationship or relationship iscommunicating about those expectations and setting boundaries and
parameters to respect each other's expectations oryou know, find ways to compromise.
And what doesn't seem fair to meis if this is what I guess was
communicated or if this is something thatyou know about a person or that they've

(05:06):
expressed, is something that is importantto them, I'll use the fair word
when whatever that thing is seems likeit's not happening or I now don't have
like the right or the freedom toit, and I'll use the fair word
like but that's not fair, likeyou know I care about this thing,
or you know what I mean?So, like how for all the similar
women to me listening that maybe sometimesstruggle with like having to like be told

(05:34):
no about something or and let's notuse the word no, being told not
right now type of thing, likehow do you deal with that? And
it kind of reminds me like ourlast episode was about dropping the ball,
And I think as a woman,if like your partner tells you like no

(05:54):
or not right now to something ina moment and in a space where you
were maybe expecting it, then itfeels unfair because it's like, well,
that's not what I signed up for, or like you knew, you know
that this is what I wanted andyou know, so like how do you?
And maybe fair is not the rightword, you know, like is
am I using the wrong word whenI say, like that's not fair.

(06:15):
I mean, I don't think it'sSo there's a difference between using the wrong
word, which I don't feel likeyou're necessarily using the wrong word, and
that fair just feels like you're beingunjustly treated, right, that's what fair
means. But I think that dependingon the lens that you're looking from,

(06:36):
it the lens that you're looking throughthe situation from, maybe from your perspective,
that's what it is, but fromthe other person's perspective, they don't
see it the same way. Sothat's also the tough part about the word
fair or fair treatment in any typeof relationship is Number one, do we
have the same definition of what's fairand what's not fair and what we're looking

(07:00):
at this situation. Do we agreeon the details and all the elements of
this situation. Because even in yourthing, like you just said, if
I express something in the relationship andsaid this is what I want, this
is what I want to see,this is what I expect. What happens
if that contradicts something that your partnersaid, this is what they want to

(07:24):
see, this is how they feel, this is what they expect, And
it's about coming to that compromise.And figuring out, okay, what am
I okay with sacrificing and if you'resaying that in that moment unless I get
what I want, because you knowI said this, it's not fair.
While to you that's reality you feellike you're being unjustly treated. That other

(07:49):
person may not feel the same waythat that is unjust treatment. They may
feel like, you know, meetingin the middle is the compromise to where
you feel like the compromise on thistime is you know, you doing one
hundred percent what I want and onthe next time or times in the past,
we did one hundred percent of whatyou want, But somebody's viewpoint on

(08:11):
that may all be different. SoI think that's just having that conversation of
truly figuring out, like, allright, what do we both want where
we both okay with It's okay.I tell Brits all the time, it's
okay to fight for your position ina relationship. Like there may be something
that you're okay with doing, butif you want to put up a fight

(08:31):
about it and try to get yourthings across, it's like, you know,
it's not wrong with just like tryingand really pushing. But then if
it gets to that point, thenit's like, oh, okay, Like
look at where we are now.Brie's gotten her way a lot, a
lot, but if you ask her, she'll make it seem like she hasn't.
But okay, we all know that. You know, our upbringing has

(08:52):
a lot to do with our likedating and intimate relationships and growing up with
a who did foster care. Likewe had six kids at one point,
and my mom has always been avery fair person, and I think from
a young age I was taught likebeing fair is right and like regardless of

(09:13):
the situations, like it's always aboutfair, fair, fair, and even
growing up and like getting to thepoint where I started my first business,
I remember feeling like the world wasout to get me and like life just
isn't fair, And every time somethingdidn't happen that you know, would be
for me, I'm like, thisisn't fair. Why is this happening to

(09:37):
me? And it's like always thisact of like playing the victim. Yeah,
I want to read. I'm bigon definitions just so people understand.
Oh yeah, what's to say?Fair says without cheating or trying to achieve
unjust advantage, So impartial and justwithout favoritism or discrimination. But the one
thing I think is important in thatdefinition is the word just, and that

(09:58):
is one of the words that justiceis derived from. And when you look
at let's say, even our justicesystem in the US, right we look
at what everybody considers to be justvaries from pep person to person, system,
the system, state, the state, different ideologies, different ways that

(10:20):
people look at things in their lives. So it's only understood that in a
relationship, what you feel like maybe just may not be the same that
what somebody else feel like may bejust. So even growing up, what
you feel like may be fair maybe different like to for somebody in a
dynamic, let's say with five childrenor let's say three children, they may

(10:43):
think the person who's behaving the bestmay be able to do something first,
or get a piece of cake,or ride in the front seat. Let's
say riding in the front seat.One parent may say, oh, you
had the best grades, you getthe front seat. That's fair. You've
been behaving the best, so youget the advantage. One parent may say,
with a different family, you're theoldest, that's fair, you have

(11:03):
seniority. You ride in the frontseat. Two different people. That sense
of justice and what's right just dependson, like you said, a lot
of how you grew up and howyou view what's just and what's fair,
and also what you are okay withgiving up and not giving up. So
it's like that's what makes the fairnessand the just thing and relationships so tough

(11:26):
and such a challenging thing. Andlike we say when we first came back,
relationships are hard work. It's tryingto figure out that system or that
place of justice to where you bothfeel like you're not you know, you
both feel good about a situation.And we had talked about that, remember
with the justice system, the pleadeals and stuff like that, talk about
that, like how that's on bothparts. It's like something happens and it's

(11:50):
like, oh, you know,I feel this way about this situation,
and we know it's not always right, but the justice that both sides have
came to an agreement that this,you know, is the best outcome for
both parties given the situation. Butin relationships it could be tough to like
try to figure that out and figureout what somebody feels like fair is.

(12:11):
But I think that at the foundationof it which is something that Brian and
I always have to keep in mind, is that this person loves you,
and this person cares about you,and this person wants the best for you.
So even in a moment to whereyou feel like you're being unjustly treated,
if you communicate that to that person, they're going to be thinking of

(12:33):
ways to try to balance the skillsto make you feel better. And even
if it's in a moment to whereit's like, ah, you know,
where we go back to dropping theball with the last episode, they're going
to be thinking of ways, like, I know this isn't exactly everything that
this person wanted, but all right, how can I do something that you
know, could possibly make up forit or could put them in a better

(12:56):
space knowing that they made the sacrifice. And I think that that's why you
got to look at situations that whensomebody compromises on something, they're sacrificing something
for you, and you shouldn't takethat for granted. You should really look
at that and be like appreciative ofit and find ways that you can almost
reward them for their sacrifice. Dre'stalking directly to me right now, you

(13:20):
know you are, I'm talking tothe people know to me, I'll take
it. And I also say this, I just had flashback, okay of
when my jeep wrangler got repolled,and my response was, this is so
not fair. I've been working sohard and I have hid it across the

(13:43):
street. How did they even findit? And like my reaction was,
this isn't fair. And it's thesame reaction I had when we were talking
the other day about the thing that, like I said, I think Dre's
told me, you know, he'stalking off, but he's talking and my
response is like, that's so notfair versus like this sucks, right,
And it's like when my car gotrepolled, the correct response could have been

(14:05):
this sucks. I've been working reallyhard, Like I was almost caught up,
Like you know, it's like tosay, this isn't fair. Again,
it's like the life is the worldis against me mentality. And that's
the thing about knowing your partner,because we talked about this in the previous
episode. Are where brand I comefrom are completely different, and our lens
of looking through life is completely different. Like she said that it'll be interesting

(14:26):
once we have kids because I've alwaysbeen like a straight and narrow type of
person to where she's kind of beenlike f the system. So in her
mind, government just in general isunjust. It's not fair, even the
way it currently is. So it'slike for her getting her car repod,
it's like, man, I workso hard, the government taking people money
anyways, and there's all these homelesspeople in the street. It's unfair.

(14:46):
While you're worrying about me, where'sall this other crime actually happening and you're
gonna take this away from me?But that's right, that's her lens of
life, is that just the waythe system is set up for people isn't
fair in general. Like Breed willcry seeing somebody come up in Baltimore and

(15:07):
spray the window thing on their carbecause she'll feel like that's not fair,
like that they're in that position towhere they have to do something like that.
But that's just her lens of life. So it's like for us,
it's like us understanding that we havedifferent perspectives on how we view things,
and our definition of fair and what'sjust is different. But we have to

(15:28):
find ways to come to a conclusion. And like I said before, knowing
the person's heart, that person hasHaving equity built up in a relationship helps
a lot of times to get throughcertain situations because you know who the person
is, what they're intentionally trying todo, and if they could do everything
for you, they would. Soif they are putting up any type of

(15:50):
restriction or any type of feeling andsaying something isn't fair, number one,
is because they feel passionately about it. And if they feel passionately about it,
you should take attention to that toknow that, like, this means
something to them, because this signright here, you're going to need that
for other parts in your relationship toknow this thing means a lot to them.
And then also understanding like how topush through that and what things you

(16:14):
need to put in place and aplan to put in place in order to
see you guys through to the otherside. So basically it's important to make
sure you guys have the same definitionand understanding of what fairness is. And
also, going back to another episode, a point that we made was understanding
that the way a relationship starts isnot the way it's going to continuously be.

(16:37):
So although you know you might meeta man who's doing eighty and you're
giving twenty financially, or you're doingeighty of the housework and he's doing twenty
of the housework, Like that couldtotally flip flop on the other end and
be something totally different a year ortwo years from now. So being flexible
and knowing that the person that you'rewith, you're with them not because of

(16:59):
the percentage of finances that they giveyou or the roles or tasks that they
do, but that you just wantto do life together in general, and
that those things can shift and changeas time goes on. Yeah, and
I think that that is, likewe had talked about, we can always
reference old episodes be talked about thatpreparation and conversations that you have going into
a relationship that one way to makefair you know, a more you know,

(17:25):
unanimous decision within your household and understandingwhat that means collectively is by having
conversations and setting standards on what youguys will do. Like, hey,
if you come into the relationship andwe are at a point to where somebody's
looking for work and another person isworking, is having a conversation with each
other and saying like hey, youknow, this is what's going on.

(17:45):
You know, I'm taking care ofthis, Do you mind taking care of
that? And then once you setthat standard, if somebody is slacking off
on what they said they would do, then them saying that's not fair.
It's universally understood because you guys,what roles and what responsibilities you would have.
But if you don't have those conversationstruly setting a standard for what your

(18:07):
expectations are in a relationship, thenwhat somebody else may feel is fair is
maybe judged off of what they seemwith their parents to where you know,
you're judging it off of what youdid in the last relationship, so there
is no true understanding of what thatmeans, and you guys will a lot
of times miss the mark. Soyou're so that's where we are on this
episode of Worthy Way what fair reallylooks like in a relationship. Let us

(18:32):
know in the comments what you think. Make sure to subscribe to the channel
and I like this video. Ifyou're listening, please leave a review and
also go in that right corner andclick that plus button and follow this podcast
and subscribe, you know to theshow. You can follow us on social
media at It's Jra Smith and thatrelationship Restored on all platforms Instagram and TikTok

(18:53):
and threads, Peace p
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