The Big Trip Up Yonder - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Big Trip Up Yonder by Kurt Vonnicut Junior. If
it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it. It
is much too good for anyone else. Gramps Ford, his
chin resting on his hands, his hands on the crook

(00:22):
of his cane, was staring irascibly at the five foot
television screen that dominated the room. On the screen, a
news commentator was summarizing the day's happenings. Every thirty seconds
or so, Grahams would jab the floor with his cane
tip and shout, hell, we did that one hundred years ago.
Emerald and Lou, coming in from the balcony where they

(00:43):
had been seeking that twenty one eighty five a d
Rarity privacy, were obliged to take seats in the back
row behind Lou's father and brother and sister in law,
son and daughter in law, grandson and wife, granddaughter and husband,
great grandson and wife, nephew and wife, grandnephew and wife,
great grandniece and husband, great grand nephew and wife, and

(01:05):
of course Grams, who was in front of everybody, all
save Gramps, who was somewhat withered and bent, seemed by
pre anti jerosone standards to be about the same age
somewhere in their late twenties or early thirties. Gramps looked
older because he had already reached seventy when anti jerosone
was invented. He had not aged in the one hundred

(01:26):
and two years since. Meanwhile, the commentator was saying Council
Bluff's Iowa was still threatened by stark tragedy, but two
hundred weary rescue workers have refused to give up hope
and continue to dig in an effort to save Elbert
Hagadorn one hundred eighty three, who has been wedged for
two days in a I wish he'd get something more cheerful,

(01:48):
Emerald whispered to lou silence, cried Grams. Next one shoots
off his big bazoo, while the TV's on is going
to find his self cut off without a dollar. His
voice suddenly soft and sweetened. When they wave that checkered
flag at the Indianapolis Speedway and old Gramps gets ready
for the big trip up yonder, he sniffed sentimentally, while

(02:10):
his heirs concentrated desperately on not making the slightest sound
for them. The poignancy of the prospective big trip had
been dulled somewhat through having been mentioned by Gramps about
once a day for fifty years, doctor Brainard keyes Bullard
continued the commentator, president of Wyandote College, said in an
address tonight that most of the world's ills can be

(02:31):
traced to the fact that man's knowledge of himself has
not kept pace with his knowledge of the physical world.
Hell snorted, Gramps, we said that one hundred years ago.
In Chicago tonight, the commentator went on, a special celebration
is taking place in the Chicago Lying In Hospital. The
guest of honor is Lowell W. Hitz, age zero Hits,

(02:53):
born this morning is the twenty five millionth child to
be born in the hospital. The commentator faded away and
replaced on the screen by young Hits, who squalled furiously.
Hell whispered, lud to Emerald, we said that one hundred
years ago. I heard that, shouted Gramps. He snapped off
the television set, and his petrified descendants stared silently at

(03:16):
the screen. You there, boy, I didn't mean anything by it, sir,
said Lou, aged one hundred and three. Get me my
Will you know where it is? You kids all know
where it is. Fetch boy, Gramp snapped his gnarled fingers sharply.
Lou nodded dully, and found himself going down the hall,

(03:37):
picking his way over bedding to Gramp's room, the only
private room in the Ford apartment. The other rooms were
the bathroom, the living room, and the wide windowless hallway,
which was originally intended to serve as a dining area
and which had a kitchenette in one end. Six mattresses
and four sleeping bags were dispersed in the hallway and

(03:57):
living room, and the day bed in the living room
accommodated the eleventh couple. The favorites of the moment. On
Gramp's bureau was his will, smeared, dog eared, perforated, and
blotched with hundreds of additions to Lesian's accusations, conditions, warnings, advice,
and homely philosophy. The document was Lou reflected a fifty

(04:19):
year diary, all jammed onto two sheets, a garbled, illgible
log of day after day of strife. This day, Lou
would be diminished for the eleventh time, and it would
take him perhaps six months of impeccable behavior to regain
the promise of a share in the estate. To say,
nothing of the day bed in the living room for

(04:40):
m and himself. Boy called Gramps coming, Sir. Lou hurried
back into the living room and handed Gramps the will penn,
said Gramps. He was instantly offered eleven pens, one from
each couple. Not that leaky thing, he said, brushing Lou's

(05:00):
pen aside, Ah, there's a nice one, good boy, Willie.
He accepted Willie's pen. That was the tip they had
all been waiting for. Willie. Then Lou's father was the
new favorite. Willie, who looked almost as young as Lou,
though he was one hundred and forty two, did a
poor job of concealing his pleasure. He glanced shyly at

(05:22):
the day bed, which would become his, and from which
Lou and Emerald would have to move back into the hall,
back to the worst spot of all, by the bathroom door.
Grahams missed none of the high drama he had authored,
and he gave his own familiar role everything he had,
frowning and running his finger along each line as though
he were seeing the will for the first time. He

(05:43):
read aloud in a deep, portentous monotone, like a base
note on a cathedral organ. I Harold D. Ford, residing
in Building two fifty seven of Alden Village, New York City, Connecticut,
Do hereby make publish and declare this to be my
life vast will and Testament, revoking any and all former
wills and condicils by me at any time heretofore made.

(06:07):
He blew his nose importantly and went on, not missing
a word, and repeating many for emphasis, repeating in particular
his ever more elaborate specifications for a funeral. At the
end of these specifications, Gramps was so choked with emotion
that Lou thought he might have forgotten why he'd brought
out the will in the first place. But Gramps heroically

(06:29):
brought his powerful emotions under control, and, after erasing for
a full minute, began to write and speak at the
same time. Lou could have spoken his lines for him.
He had heard them so often. I have had many
heartbreaks ere leaving this veil of tears for a better land,
Gramps said and wrote, But the deepest hurt of all

(06:50):
has been dealt me by He looked around the group,
trying to remember who the malefactor was. Everyone looked helpfully
at Lou, who held up his hand was, Grahams nodded, remembering,
and completed the sentence. My great grandson, Louis J. Ford grandson,
Sir said, Lou, don't quibble. You're in deep enough now,

(07:13):
young man, said Gramps. But he made the change, and
from there he went without a misstep through the phrasing
of the disinheritance, causes for which were disrespectfulness and quippling.
In the paragraph following the paragraph that had belonged to
every one in the room at one time or another,
Lou's name was scratched out, and Willie substituted as heir

(07:33):
to the apartment and the biggest blum of all the
double bed in the private bedroom, so said Gramps, beaming.
He erased the date at the foot of the will
and substituted a new one, including the time of day.
Well time to watch the mc garvey family. The mc
garvey Family was a television serial that Graham's had been

(07:54):
following since he was sixty or for a total of
one hundred and twelve years. I can't wait to see
what's going to happen next, he said. Lou detached himself
from the group and lay down on his bed of
pain by the bathroom door, wishing Em would join him.
He wondered where she was. He dozed for a few
moments until he was disturbed by something stepping over him

(08:17):
to get into the bathroom. A moment later, he heard
a faint gurgling sound, as though something were being poured
down the wash basin drain. Suddenly it entered his mind
that Em had cracked up, that she was in there
doing something drastic about Gramps Em. He whispered through the panel.
There was no reply, and Lou pressed against the door.

(08:37):
The worn lock, whose bult barely engaged its socket, held
for a second, then let the door swing inward. Morty
gasped Lou. Lou's great grandnephew, Mortimer, who had just married
and brought his wife home to the Fordmanalge looked at
Lou with consternation and surprise. Morty kicked the door shut,
but not before Lou had glimpsed what was in his hand,

(09:00):
Gram's enormous, economy sized bottle of anti jerosone, which had
apparently been half emptied, and which Morty was refilling with
tap water. A moment later, Morty came out, glared defiantly
at Lou and brushed past him wordlessly to rejoin his
pretty bride. Shocked, Lou didn't know what to do. He
couldn't let Grams take the mouse trapped anti jerrosone, but

(09:22):
if he warned Grams about it, Grahams would certainly make
life in the apartment, which was merely insufferable now harrowing.
Lou glanced into the living room and saw that the Fords,
Emerald among them, were momentarily at rest, relishing the botches
that the mcgarveys had made of their lives. Stealthily, he
went into the bathroom, locked the door as well as

(09:44):
he could, and began to pour the contents of Gram's
bottle down the drain. He was going to refill it
with full strength anti jerosoone from the twenty two smaller
bottles on the shelf. The bottle contained a half gallon
and its neck was small, so it seemed to Lou
that the empty would take forever, and the almost imperceptible
smell of anti jerosone like Worcestershire sauce, now seemed to Lou,

(10:07):
in his nervousness, to be pouring out into the rest
of the apartment through the keyhole and under the door.
The bottle gurgled monotonously. Suddenly, up came the sound of
music from the living room, and there were murmurs and
the scraping of chair legs on the floor. Thus ends,
said the television announcer. The twenty nine thousand, one hundred

(10:28):
twenty first chapter in the Life of Your Neighbors and Mine,
the mcgarvey's footsteps were coming down the hall. There was
a knock on the bathroom door. Just a sec Lou
cheerily called out. Desperately, he shook the big bottle, trying
to speed up the flow. His palms slipped on the
wet glass, and the heavy bottle smashed on the tile floor.

(10:50):
The door was pushed open, and Gramps, dumbfounded, stared at
the incriminating mess. Lou felt a hideous prickling sensation on
his scalp and the back of his neck. He grinned
engagingly through the nausea, and for want of anything remotely
resembling a thought, waited for Grams to speak. Well, boy,
said Gramps. At last, looks like you've got a little

(11:12):
tidying up to do, And that was all he said.
He turned round elbowed his way through the crowd and
locked himself in his bedroom. The Fords contemplated Lou in
incredulous silence a moment longer, and then hurried back to
the living room, as though some of his horrible guilt
would taint them too if they looked too long. Mordy
stayed behind long enough to give Lou a quizzical, annoyed glance.

(11:35):
Then he also went into the living room, leaving only
Emeralds standing in the doorway. Tears streamed over her cheeks.
Oh you, poor Lamb, Please don't look so awful. It
was my fault. I put you up to this with
my nagging about Gramps, Na, said Lou, finding his voice.
Really you didn't, honest, Em. I was just you don't

(11:57):
have to explain anything to me, Hon, I'm on your
no matter what. She kissed him on one cheek and
whispered in his ear. It wouldn't have been murder, hun
It wouldn't have killed him. It wasn't such a terrible
thing to do. It just would have fixed him up
so he'd be able to go any time God decided
he wanted him. What's going to happen next, em, said

(12:19):
Lou hollowly. What's he going to do. Lou and Emeralds
stayed fearfully awake almost all night, waiting to see what
Gramps was going to do, but not a sound came
from the sacred bedroom. Two hours before dawn, they finally
dropped off to sleep. At six o'clock, they arose again,
for it was time for their generation to eat breakfast

(12:40):
in the kitchenette. No one spoke to them. They had
twenty minutes in which to eat, but their reflexes were
so dulled by the bad night that they had hardly
swallowed two mouthfuls of egg type processed seaweed before it
was time to surrender their places to their son's generation. Then,
as was the custom for whoever had been most recently disinherited,

(13:02):
they began preparing Gramps's breakfast, which would presently be served
to him in bed on a tray. They tried to
be cheerful about it. The toughest part of the job
was having to handle the honest to God, eggs and
bacon and oleomargarine on which Graham spent so much of
the income from his fortune. Well, said Emerald, I'm not

(13:24):
going to get all panicky until I'm sure there's something
to be panicky about maybe he doesn't know what it was,
I busted, Lou said, hopefully, probably thinks it was your watch,
Crystal offered Eddie, their son, who was toying apathetically with
his buckwheat type processed sawdust cakes. Don't get sarcastic with
your father, said em. And don't talk with your mouthful either.

(13:49):
I'd like to see anybody take a mouthful of this
stuff and not say something, complained Eddie, who was seventy three.
He glanced at the clock. It's time to take gramp's breakfast.
You know, Yeah it is, isn't it, said Lou weakly.
He shrugged. Let's have the tray. Em. We'll both go.
Walking slowly, smiling bravely, they found a large semicircle of

(14:13):
long faced Fords standing around the bedroom door. M knocked grams.
She called brightly, breakfast is ready. There was no reply,
and she knocked again harder. The door swung open before
her fist. In the middle of the room, the soft, deep,
wide canopy bed, the symbol of the sweet by and

(14:34):
by to every Ford, was empty. A sense of death
as unfamiliar to the Fords as Zoastrianism or the causes
of the Sepoy mutiny stilled, every voice slowed, every heart awed.
The heirs began to search gingerly under the furniture and
behind the drapes for all that was mortal of Gramp's,

(14:55):
father of the clan. But Gramps had left not his
earthly husk, but a note, which Lou finally found on
the dresser, under a paperweight, which was a treasured souvenir
from the World's Fair of two thousand. Unsteadily, Lou read
it aloud. Somebody who I have sheltered and protected and
taught the best I know how all these years, last

(15:17):
night turned on me like a mad dog and diluted
my anti jerosone, or tried to. I am no longer
a young man. I can no longer bear the crushing
burden of life as I once could. So after last
night's bitter experience, I say goodbye. The cares of this
world will soon drop away like a cloak of thorns,

(15:37):
and I shall know peace. By the time you find this,
I will be gone, gosh, said Willie brokenly. He didn't
even get to see how the five thousand mile speedway
race was going to come out, or the Solar series.
Eddie said with large mournful eyes, or whether missus mc
garvey got her eyesight back. Added, There's more, said Lou,

(16:02):
and he began reading aloud again. I Harold D. Ford,
et cetera, do hereby make publish and declare this to
be my last will and testament, revoking any and all
former wills and condicils by me at any time heretofore
made no, cried Willie, not another one. I do stipulate,

(16:23):
read Lou, that all of my property, of whatsoever kind
and nature not be divided, but do devise and bequeath
it to be held in common by my issue, without
regard for generation equally, share and share alike issue, said Emerald.
Lou included the multitude in a sweep of his hand.
It means we all own the whole damn shootin' match.

(16:47):
Each eye turned instantly to the bed. Share and share
a like, asked Morty, Actually, said Willie, who was the
oldest one present. It's just like the old system where
the oldest people head up things with their headquarters in here.
And I like that, exclaimed em Lou. Owns as much
of it as you do, and I say it ought

(17:07):
to be for the oldest one who's still working. You
can snooze around here all day waiting for your pension check,
while poor Lou stumbles in here after work, all tuckered out.
And how about letting somebody who's never had any privacy
get a little crack at it, Eddie demanded hotly. Hell,
you old people had plenty of privacy back when you
were kids. I was born and raised in the middle

(17:30):
of that goddamn barracks in the hall. How about, yeah,
challenged Morty. Sure you've all had it pretty tough, and
my heart bleeds for you, But try honeymooning in the
hall for a real kick. Silence, shouted Willie imperiously. The
next person who opens his mouth spends the next six
months by the bathroom. Now clear out of my room.

(17:53):
I want to think. A vase shattered against the wall
inches above his head. In the next moment, a free
for all was under way, with each couple battling to
eject every other couple from the room. Fighting coalitions formed
and dissolved with the lightning changes of the tactical situation.
M and Lou were thrown into the hall, where they

(18:13):
organized others in the same situation and stormed back into
the room. After two hours of struggle, with nothing like
a decision in sight, the cops broke in, followed by
television cameramen from mobile units. For the next half hour,
patrol wagons and ambulances hauled away Fords, and then the
apartment was still and spacious. An hour later, films of

(18:35):
the last stages of the riot were being televised to
five hundred million delighted viewers on the Eastern Seaboard. In
the stillness of the three room Ford apartment on the
seventy sixth floor of Building two fifty seven, the television
set had been left on once more. The air was
filled with the cries and grunts and crashes of the
fray coming harmlessly now from the loud speaker. The battle

(18:58):
also appeared on the screen of the television set in
the police station, where the Fords and their captors watched
with professional interest. M and Lou, in adjacent four by
eight cells, were stretched out peacefully on their cots. M
called Lou through the partition. You got a wash basin,
all your own, two sure wash basin bed light the works,

(19:23):
and we thought Gram's room was something. How long has
this been going on? She held out her hand for
the first time in forty years. Hon, I haven't got
the sheakes. Look at me, cross your fingers, said Lou.
The lawyer's going to try to get us a year
gee m said dreamily. I wonder what kind of wires

(19:44):
you'd have to pull to get put away in solitary?
All right, pipe down, said the turnkey, Or I'll toss
the whole kitten kaboodle of you right out, And first
one who lets on to anybody outside how good jail is,
ain't never getting back in. The prisoners instantly fell silent.
The living room of the apartment darkened for a moment

(20:04):
as the riot scenes faded on the television screen, and
then the face of the announcer appeared like the sun
coming from behind a cloud. And now, friends, he said,
I have a special message from the makers of Anti jerosone,
a message for all you folks over one hundred and fifty.
Are you hampered socially by wrinkles, by stiffness of the joints,

(20:26):
and discoloration or loss of hair, all because these things
came upon you before Anti jerosoone was developed. Well, if
you are, you need no longer suffer, need no longer
feel different and out of things. After years of research,
medical science has now developed super anti jerosone. In weeks,

(20:47):
yes weeks, you can look, feel, and act as young
as your great great grandchildren. Wouldn't you pay five thousand
dollars to be indistinguishable from everybody else? Well, you don't
have to safe test. Super Anti Jerosome costs you only
a few dollars a day. Right now For your free trial, Carton,
just put your name and address on a dollar postcard

(21:09):
and mail it to super Box five hundred thousand, Schenectady,
New York. Have you got that? I'll repeat it, super
Box five hundred thousand. Underlining the announcer's words was the
scratching of Gramp's pen, the one Willie had given him
the night before. He had come in a few minutes
earlier from the idle hour tavern, which commanded a view

(21:31):
of building two fifty seven from across the square of
asphalt known as the Alden Village Green. He had called
a cleaning woman to come straight in the place up,
then had hired the best lawyer in town to get
his descendants a conviction, a genius who had never gotten
a client less than a year and a day. Gramps
had then moved the day bed before the television screen

(21:52):
so that he could watch from a reclining position. It
was something he'd dreamed of doing for years. Neck to
d murmured, Gramps got it. His face had changed remarkably.
His facial muscles seemed to have relaxed, revealing kindness and
equanimity under what had been taught lines of bad temper.

(22:13):
It was almost as though his trial package of super
anti jefsone had already arrived. When something amused him on television,
he smiled easily, rather than barely managing to lengthen the
thin line of his mouth a millimeter. Life was good.
He could hardly wait to see what was going to
happen next. And of the Big Trip Up Yonder by

(22:41):
Kurt Vonnegut Junior