March 2, 2023 • 44 mins
In the newest episode, King and Jasmine once again are collaborating with THE HUB! In this episode, they deal with some topics that people might not often discuss, including discussing why it's tough for so many people to perform in the bedroom, sex surrogates and more. Come prepared to learn and not feel alone in your troubles. Make sure you subscribe so that you can get notifications as new episodes air.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Right, Adams, mister Gary Richard, Right, So what was your favorite
(00:24):
fantasy flight party that we ever did? It's the one we're about to do
in Costa Rica. That's not afantasy party. That's kink and Costa Rica.
Okay, Like from from the fromthere, from the days when we
were doing bachelor rede and birthday anddivorce parties. What was your favorite from
the days when we was lugging thatsixty pound massage table and eighty pound poles
(00:49):
those days. Yeah, country wherewe will show up and put a pole
in any room at your house anywherebecause you paid for it your popcorn,
she'lling about to get a pole init. They were They were all so
special for so many reasons. Solike it was a couple of things that
(01:10):
stood out, like okay, okay, So Miami stood out to me because
you you know, like it waslike a sister's birthday party. Was that
the one I had to get snuckout the back because somebody? That was
one of my not so favorite ones. No, it was another one.
(01:30):
It was with all the black womenin Miami and it was like like it
was so many, like twenty womenand they were so live and um,
I love that party. One ofthe reasons why I love that party is
because it just felt like if Inever left Miami, I would have been
(01:52):
going to that party. And soit was like they were just having so
much fun and the party kind oftook itself. Was like I brought the
stuff and then they were just solike funny and so lit. It was
just like do y'all thing, andevery now and then they asked a question
or you would come out in theroom and they would be like that was
(02:12):
a favorite. Another favorite is inOkallam when we was in the Man Cave.
Oh yeah, that party was wild. Like the pictures that I have
from that party are still like stillin rotation and people will still be like,
yo, then where was that?And then gosh, there's just so
(02:38):
many I love when we party.There's a group of women that eventually we
made it to Atlantic City with them, but it started with one of their
homegirls in Tampa and then like sheintroduced us their friend group and then their
friend group. You know. Ilove that that group of women in Queens
as well, right, that wasthat was one of my favorite party.
(02:59):
One of the first ones we inthe Queens. The Atlantic City one if
it was an episode on a TVshow, it would have been my favorite
episode of that TV show and myleast favorite. But my experience with it
and it was and it had nothingto do with the women or their actual
party, but it was like Ithink, like the massage table was lost
(03:21):
by shipping, so we had tobuy a massage table. Now if you
if you ain't from Jersey, andyou'll and you don't know about Atlantic City,
like other than the casinos and thecasinos of the casinos, but like
some parts of ac like wow,I didn't know Atlantic City was like that
(03:43):
at Atlantic City could get very sketchyin certain in certain aspects areas and manifestations
of whatnot. And we had andwe were like looking for this massage table
and it was like someone's like,I know, somebody just got a massage
table, like one of those likeI know a guy who's got a guy
and massage tables shouldn't have to bepurchased in that way, but it,
but it had to in our situation. It had to be. So like
(04:04):
we was like in this back alleyshit behind the boardwalk in this dude,
it's like, yeah, yeah,we got the stuff. Like it was
like I was buying like a brickor something in the car, like,
oh god, I hope he comes. Like I'm gonna get like I'm gonna
get kidnapped over this massage table,grown napped or whatever the fuck. And
(04:26):
so like I'm walking through this,it's all dark in there and shit like
it was literally like I was,I was trying to exchange hostages whatever so
ship and it was like I comeout with this massage table that somehow was
heavier than our original. It's likethat was like a hundred pounds. It
was like a massage table that's probablylike one of them joones that they probably
they probably stole that ship, probablyhad no business leaving where it was at,
(04:49):
and they sure as fuck shouldn't havebeen giving massages in the spot where
it was at. I felt likethey had people making fake Gucci bags and
then should wild as hell and thenso you know, anyway, get this
besside table, and then when we'releaving, they lose that massage table in
shipping, sending it back to us. So it's like, but that that
(05:11):
was just like a crazy as situation, but another one that stands out to
me, and it will always itwill probably always be my favorite because of
the connection that was made at thatparty. It was in It was in
either Va of Maryland, and we'redoing the party for all the ladies and
stuff. And I also remember thisone because this is the one where you
(05:32):
decided to leave another company that youhave been selling toys for and which was
just like I'm just gonna do justgonna be just setting jazzmine and it's gonna
be all my own shit. Theywrote me a little nasty letter about our
party. Yeah that company, right, I'm sure they're bankrupt by now,
but they The husband was upstairs formost of the party and then we were
(05:58):
doing our demonstration on the swim andall this kind of shit, and it
was like, I don't know howhe kind of like made his way downstairs
at that time. He was sucha doting husband. I think he was
coming down to like make sure everythingwas all right. King ain't down that
finger and nobody Like basically he camedown to see if she like needed something
(06:20):
to drink or something like that,and we were like, hey, let's
get you, yeah and your ladyin the swing. And he has shared
that he was a veteran and hewas just like, Yo, there's a
lot of things that I would liketo do that I can't do because I
have like it was like shrapnel orsomething in his back, so you know,
(06:42):
certain positions and certain holds and thingslike that were causing pain. So
I was like, yo, likeif you use the swing and this pos
as he said, like, Yo, I like, I like back shots.
I like I like hitting them backshots. So I was like,
yo, if you're standing here andshe's in the swing this way, then
you're the back is supporting you,and you were showing her like different positions
that she can do in the swingwhere he can still have that, And
(07:05):
yeah, exactly. And I willalways remember that party because it was like
he had that now like oh,I love y'all, but y'all gotta go
because I'm about to get these youknow what I'm saying. But I always
think about that because it's it's somethingthat's not spoken about very often, is
(07:28):
you know, whether it be aging, and you know, our bodies change
or injury, and our bodies change, or illness and our bodies change.
How do we maintain and continue oursex lives or or or pivot what our
sex life is into a way thatis still pleasurable for us and our partner,
(07:48):
and you are actually like an experton that ship or intimacy post injury.
So I want to go over likehow are about it? Yeah?
Like how can we how can wegrow? How can we pivot? How
can we enhance our sex lives whenwe do have injuries or illnesses? That
(08:11):
was definitely one of the parties thatum I was like, ha, like
this is why we do what wedo, right, you know, It's
like we always see that, butthis was so it was so specific and
so like in in our face oflike, how is this couple gonna,
you know, be able to enjoysex for the next twenty thirty forty plus
(08:33):
years. And I'm sure you know, they would have figured something out,
and they were figuring something out becausethey were just very loving and affectionate with
each other. But I really feltlike we were able to enhance that for
them. And so there are definitelythere are a lot of specialists and experts
out there, but just just kindof share my background. I am a
gerontologist, so I have studied aging, and I always thought that it was
(08:58):
important to study aging because that's somethingthat I certainly wanted to do and I
wanted to be able to do itgracefully. I also wanted to no matter
what our business and our livelihood was, I wanted to cater to people over
an extended period of time. Andso in order to do that, as
to figure out how do people ageand what like pain points no pun intended
(09:20):
would people have that we would beable to like pivot our work towards And
my work with veterans and people inmedical settings has always been influenced by the
medical community. Right, So,like someone is sick, like what pills
do they need to to feel better? What treatments do they need medically to
(09:45):
be able to go home? ButI always looked at it and this is
sort of like the therapist aspect forme, go home and do what?
Go home and do what for why? And usually our forms of intimacy and
relationship is why we do the thingswe do. Like why people fight so
hard when they're sick is because theywant to be there for you know,
(10:05):
and for what? For who?It usually is some relationship, whether it's
the relationship to friends or family,relationship, to something that they're passionate about.
It's usually intimacy is on the otherend of what we fight for wellness
around. So I started to challengethe medical spaces that I worked in to
(10:31):
add that component, like what isintimacy for this person and how can we
use that to like encourage them toget better? Also what besides, like
if they can go to the bathroom, if they could take their pills and
like you know, sleep and allthis kind of stuff, Like what do
they do for fun? You know? What do they do to connect with
(10:52):
other people that like if they coulddo this thing, that their life would
actually be improved. Because if youtold me, like, yeah, this
this pill will help you get outof bed of like okay, great,
but like get out of bed too? Do what? Yeah? You know,
if you told me that, Okay, this pill is going to help
you be able to go to somelike I don't know whatever vet con or
(11:16):
things that I get excited about,you know, or Costa Rico or some
kinky shit, you know, thenI'd be like, oh, yeah,
like let me get that. Soum. So, what I have found
is that a lot of people,because of our own issues around sex and
sexuality and shame, and a lotof physicians, medical providers, therapists are
(11:39):
uncomfortable asking people about intimacy and youknow, and my work people were like,
Okay, I don't know how toask the doctor this, but when
are we going to be able tohave sex again? Or my my husband
is paralyzed from the neck down andI have no idea, like what is
our sex life going to look?Like we're twenty something years old when we
(12:01):
got married, like what do Ido? And starting to infuse the work
that we were doing, like okay, can we talk about role play?
How can we stimulate the mind ina sexual way so that there can be
orgasm? Still, let's talk aboutface sitting right, like you know,
how can we help your partners stillgive you pleasure which will give them pleasure?
(12:28):
Can we talk about mutual masturbation?Can we look at adaptive toys?
Can we force pt to order yousex toys? Because that is actually what
this person needs towards the quality oftheir life. Well, going back to
what you just said about shame andhow shame then kind of closes off avenue
(12:50):
of conversation that is very important topeople is it does show like how much
gets left out and then with thatshame or with people who are like,
oh you shouldn't be worried about yoursex life if you are paraplegic or this,
(13:11):
Yeah, exactly that that's always kindof how it's presented. Like,
you know, there are more thingsto being alive than you know, just
just breathing and eating or drinking,you know, and someone who is injured
or paraplegic or paralyzed or all ofthese things is to live a fulfilling life.
(13:35):
And I think that there is thatbias that people have who you know,
have use of their all their limbsand things like that, where it's
like if I don't have that,then they don't think about a fulfilling life
anymore. And there are so manyways and so many pleasures that you can
have no matter what your limitations are, that it needs to be fully recognized
(14:01):
and needs to be an open conversationthat people should be able to have with
their medical providers. In that thatshame was so deep that I no longer
do that work in that capacity anymore, because they could they did not like
that challenge that I was bringing tothe table or the lived experience I was
having to go get the information tobring to the table. So one of
(14:22):
the one of my early client situations. I was, I guess what will
be considered a surrogate now because itwasn't It wasn't like cuck holding in the
cuckolding sense of you know, thewhole DS dynamic and role play of cuckolding.
(14:43):
It was more just like you area sex surrogate, you know,
and it was very it was fulfillingto be a part of that of that
of that dynamic. Can you canexplain a little bit more about what that
is? So there are I mean, there is a formal profession of sex
(15:03):
sex surrogacy. There's actually a practicewhere a mental health provider will sort of
prescribe a client to have sexual experienceswith someone who is a sex worker,
but also sees a person in providingphysical sexual experiences with the understanding that it
(15:26):
is for therapeutic purposes. Sometimes yousee this with people who've experienced trauma and
would like to have sexual experiences withsomeone in a safe, a safe way,
one that they can communicate about firstand explore their boundaries with that's not
going to be all of the nationafterwards, exactly. It could be someone
(15:48):
who has a certain type of physicallimitation or disability that it takes adaptive sex
that may be more challenging to experiencewith um, you know, like picking
up someone in a social situation.And the idea is that just because you
have a sex arrogate doesn't necessarily meanthat you won't have you can't have other
less formal sex. It's just thatwe have needs and desires and in the
(16:11):
meantime, in between times, youmight not want to teach somebody or the
things in that particular setting, andright, you want to take your time
with somebody else before you got toteach itself, right, Or a sex
surrogate might be the person that teachesyour partner how to have that sex with
you in a safe way and likea way that you know you enjoy.
So there's a caphona and then there'sa sex surrogate that sometimes people may be
(16:36):
partnered where one partner is a sexualor does not want to have a particular
type of sex. And you know, so you were serving that space for
someone who I believe had some traumaticexperiences and and if I remember correctly,
while you weren't working with that person'stherapists or provider, it was strongly encouraged
(17:00):
that they have a safe situation withsomeone that one was more recent actually,
um, longer ago. I waswith a couple and the man in the
couple he had some injuries and wasn'table to achieve an erection. Okay,
so but I also would kind ofhelp them engage in ways while she was
(17:27):
engaging with me, and oh man, I loved it. See it's so
cool where they are. I hopethey're still getting off to our experiences together.
That's so cool. One of theum examples that I think often gets
missed in you know, sex workis work or um the fact that people
(17:52):
who are not between the ages oflike eighteen and like fifty five, like
still have that still want to havesex, still deserve good sex and sexual
experiences. And I say that becauseyou know, we only sell sex to
that demographic for sure. This Iwas gonna say, like, there are
a lot of misconceptions about you know, people over the age of fifty,
(18:17):
right, or people with disabilities,people living with like mental health and like
all these different things that somehow sexgets pulled out of their humanity. Correct,
And that's why there is like sexualuh sex disability justice advocates and activists
(18:38):
because of that like part our sexand sexuality and intimacy is a part of
our human need and it is apart of our human right and these things,
you know, it gets pulled awayfrom folks with mental health issues,
Folks that live in any type oflike medical setting they are they don't have
(18:59):
privacy to engage in sex. Theycannot have sexual partners that are not that
they're not married to or partnered with. And I used to see that in
a long term care long term caresetting that I worked at. It wasn't
It would be looked at as eitherthis person is so old they don't need
to be having people come in,or that person is only going after their
(19:22):
money, or this person is sickthey shouldn't be having like, um,
you know, there are sometimes thatI don't feel well and having sex is
like not high up there, butthere's sometimes I don't feel well and like
sex would definitely make it better.So whether that is like feeling down or
depressed or anxious, like you couldget a lot of that energy out,
(19:42):
or feeling disconnected, it can bevery grounding. Having cramps, it can
really help relax your muscles. Yeah, think about that all the times people
are, oh, I got mycramps, leave me alone. No,
she just doesn't want to have sexwith you, you exactly, or you
know, there's that medical stigma aroundsex that's truemps. But um so in
(20:06):
these long term care settings, Iwas really really active active, um excuse
me. I was really pushing hardand advocating for people to be able to
have access to safe sex so condomsif they wanted it, lou, because
we lose a lot of our vaginallubrication over time with age and sickness and
(20:26):
medication and things like that. Advocatingfor people to have visitors, how they
wanted to have visitors at the hourthat they wanted to have visitors, with
a closed door, doing whatever theywanted to do with those that is.
That is definitely something I see alot when it comes to uh for like
older folk who staying facilities where it'slike they can't have visitors past a certain
(20:48):
hour, telling me when people canand come and my house I didn't live
this long whenever, Especially when youlook at the price of what it those
would it cost to live in thoseplaces, and y'all say, y'all supervise
the twenty four hours a day,right, so then see this person in
and see this person words so alot of that working. You know,
(21:10):
one of the like the simplest thingsthat I was asking for is that.
And when we do our intake ofa client and you ask them everything like
do you use drugs? You dothis? You just like just ask like
what is your sexual what is yourwhat is your intimacy lifestyle? Like right
now, what is your sexual lifestyle? What would you like it to be?
So we could then like make thata part of your treatment goal.
(21:33):
I mean, I think that kindof stigma also led to what was that
a couple of years ago when therewas this news that came out about the
villages over there, There was likethis crazy high rate of STDs going around
now because you know, when itcomes to um older folks, they're not
bringing them condoms or you know,doing the same kind of checks and things
(21:57):
like that that they do with youngerpeople when I mean they have more time
and more money. You literally livein like a resort with your peers.
That's what we do at camp,right, I mean, so um,
(22:17):
so yeah, that you know,it is a huge thing. And then
and a part of that for meis like kind of bringing it back to
injury and illness, whether it's mentalhealth illness or physical illness or injuries that
if you incorporate people's intimacy and sexlives into their treatment plan, like then
you're treating the comprehensive person. Youknow, you're finding out what may be
(22:38):
really important. Like you don't haveto tell me you you're not going to
motivate me if injured to get upthose I don't know. I think we
have like seventeen eighteen stairs in ourhouse. But if you tell me that,
like your bedroom is upstairs and mineit downstairs, and I'm super motivated
(23:00):
for us to be able to sleepin the same bed together. Okay,
Yeah, tell the occupational therapists toput that as like a goal for me,
and that's going to help you helpme or with mental health illness if
you're not addressing that. Some ofthese medications may have an impact on how
someone performs sexually and that's really abig deal to them. Like maybe they're
(23:22):
a sex worker and they have,you know, for their livelihood, they
have to be able to perform oryou know, it's just a part of
their lifestyle that there's their sexual performanceis really important to them. So taking
this medication may cause an upset inthat area of their life. If we're
having that conversation, then we canlook at alternatives, right, you know,
we can look at performance enhancers,we can look at a different style
(23:45):
of medication, we could look attaking the medication at a different time.
Like, there's so many things thatget lost because we do not want to
have these conversations because, like yousaid, there's this sort of puritanical gaze
over this at like sex is onlyfor one reason anyway, so you should
just be happy you're alive and liketoss that side that you shouldn't even be
(24:07):
tapping into any ways out. Well, I think that that even goes just
in not even like sex as apart of overall happiness. Yeah, it's
not even like you're supposed to behappy or just supposed to be You're happy
that you're alive. But besides that, like other areas of happiness, like
(24:27):
you know, there are certain placesthat you go and there are no you
know, ramps for people with disabilitiesor things like that that will that will
help people who are differently able tomove around in the same space as other
people just as easily, right,you know, And I do think when
it comes to sex specifically, youknow, it's kind of like one thing
(24:51):
is covered, that is dick pills. Dick pills are covered, but you
know, it is not always ablood flow issue to why men are not
achieving their erection. And you know, when it comes to the mental aspect
(25:11):
of those things, it's always lookedover. So in regards to mental health.
And also people don't even add womenor people who are not like sis
gender male to that conversation really atall, because I remember there was like
a there was a women's viagra thatthey were talking about for a hot minute.
(25:33):
I don't know what happened to it. Specifically, they said, it
won't cover that, it won't coverpads, it won't cover nothing. So
you know, when it comes tomental, mental health and sexual performance,
(25:53):
how is that something that can becovered in like a fully comprehensive Yeah.
I think there's a couple of things, you know, I don't think that
people recognize because one, we justdon't have basic sex education, and then
we certainly don't have when things aren'tgoing well, sex education, right,
(26:15):
you know, So then there's somany layers. And I also think we
do not have mental health knowledge justas a just as a general uh,
just in general. So when Ithink people think about mental health, they
tend to think about the extremes ofmental health disordered presentation. When I look
(26:38):
at high levels of stress as athreat to your mental health, and how
many people you know are experiencing highlevels of stress? Everybody? Everybody,
right, you know, and mentalhealth is just a part of like it's
a part of our overall hygiene,and so um I do think that sometimes
(26:59):
people have a hard time recognizing whentheir own mental health is having impact on
their sexual desires and or performances orperformance or you know, just their overall
behavior. Right, So sometimes wesee people withdraw from wanting to have sex,
(27:21):
or people have a hard time sustainingbeing in the moment while having sex,
or we see people making unhealthy choicesrelated to sex because of you know,
whether it's high levels of stress ora specific diagnosis. So I think
(27:41):
when we when people are talking aboutlike, you know, we need mental
health reform, we need mental healthcare, that's a part of it.
That's part of Like, the moreyou know about your own mental health hygiene,
you can see how it's actually havingan impact in relationships and how you
interact with others, including sex andthen taking it a step further. You
(28:02):
know, I have a lot ofclients, specifically women and women identifying clients.
I say, I can be havingsex, but I'm not there,
Like, what is wrong with me? Do I not like having some?
I'm like, okay, well whereare you? Where are you going?
It's like to this incredible crazy todo list of things that they need to
do and all of these pressures andif they're performing well enough or not,
(28:23):
you know, and like the anxietiesaround their bodies and if they're doing enough
for their partner, and it's like, yeah, of course you're not enjoying
yourself. Now to my mail presentingclients, it's a lot of the same
things. I lose my erection,Okay, what's happening? When you're losing
your erection? It can sometimes bethe anxiety of having lost it before.
(28:44):
And there's all of this pressure thatmen are never supposed to lose their erection.
And that's like not even biologically athing, you know, there's all
parts of our bodies that do differentthings at different points in time, but
there's like this series is pressure thatevery single time. Yeah, it's manhood
itself is so tied to your reality. Oh my gosh, it's exhausting.
(29:07):
But I do think there has tobe some kind of shift in how we
frame sex, right, Like Ithink sex is like if you have insertion,
then that's the ultimate sex, rightum, And oral sex isn't isn't
(29:27):
viewed on the same level or handsfeet conversation, all these different things are
not viewed on the same level asif it's just in such and I mean
I think that that's kind of goingback to the same kind of thing,
as as procreative sex is viewed asthe as the one, right, but
(29:52):
I think in order and this andthis goes for anybody's level of physical and
mental you know ability. If wecan look at sex as how we engage
with another person, the intimacy thatwe share with that other person, And
this could be intimacy with you know, someone you've been married to for fifty
years or someone you just met fiftyminutes ago. But you can look at
(30:15):
it like, this is an experiencethat we're both going to share that we
would like to be pleasurable for bothof us, and however all of us,
and however and however we choose toengage in it, for us is
important and it's and it's worth itinstead of just looking like if I have,
(30:37):
you know, an erection that couldcut glass and a pussy that's a
slipping slide, you know what I'msaying, Like, because our bodies do
change, our bodies do shift,and how that moment is can be different
from with the same person on thesame fucking day, you know what I
mean. So it's like looking atthe intimacy instead of just the physicality that
(31:03):
like dead on that that is somuch of obviously the work that you really
did. But no, stay fora while, okay, Um that it
really is the work that I knowthat you and I do and it's Um,
it's like the conversations I couldn't havewith some of the smartest people in
medicine, that we couldn't make thatconnection to like why this is so important?
(31:26):
How we can broaden the conversation aroundsex, Like it's okay for us
to talk about kink because that canbroaden what sex looks like. Um,
it just sort of makes me thinkof like finding orgasmic moments in other things
outside of your body, you know, or um, this will be it'll
(31:49):
be a little silly, but yesterdayactually, so for those who don't know,
we have, um a newborn anda toddler, and we were in
the guest bathroom brushing our teeth togetherand it was such a like shared moment.
We're like we're alone and brushing ourteeth. It was so pleasurable to
(32:12):
me because I was I don't know, it was just cute and we both
like came in the house and likedid the same thing. And then like
within like I don't know, aminute and a half, you know,
comes our toddler and breaks that momentup. But we were not touching,
we were not naked or anything likethat. We just like had a moment
to ourselves and it was sort ofsilly and could connected and it brought me
(32:37):
joy and so like sharing, likeI think for people to hear like,
oh, two people who do pornand who you know connecting over that sexy
moment of that sexy moment of brushingour teeth like that, and you know,
both of us are able body folksthat um, you know, don't
(32:59):
have some that don't have any physicalchallenges for the most part when it comes
to having sex, but still findother ways to connect with each other.
And like helping couples thruffles and singlesidentify other things that bring them joy,
how they can connect that to youknow, um intimacy, as you mentioned
(33:22):
how that intimacy like how we experienceorgasmic feelings in different parts of our body
through different ways of being stimulated.And like, I'm so interested in those
things because I know that the shellwill give out over time, as you
know, just being on this earth, and like, what are ways that
(33:43):
I'm going to be able to tapinto so that I can continue to experience
pleasure for as long as possible.Yeah. I was actually about to ask
you that are there any times withinyour life that you had to adapt to
either their body changing or an injuryor something that was going on mentally that
you're comfortable? Yeah? All three. Um, this was by no means
(34:08):
um injury or or an illness.But when I was pregnant, you know,
I was like throwing up a lotin um and just not really feeling
well. And I know, likewhen I was starting to come out off
of that morning sickness time for us, it was just like I don't want
to do oral for a while.It's just like it's just too it's too
(34:31):
close to where I've been feeling sickfor so long, and like just expressing
that and it not being an expectation, not like anything is ever an expectation,
but that's just like it's just notgonna be a part of the We're
not pulling from that part of thetoolbox right now. There have also been
(34:51):
I think thinking of like mental healthtimes is especially during the pandemic, where
I felt, well, we're stillwe're we are still in a pandemic,
regardless of what says Lead Joe Bidenand his gas. But now during the
lockdown period of the pandemic, theheight of the pandemic, I felt so
(35:16):
stressed out. I was so anxious, and we would have to find like
different ways of connecting because I justdid not feel incredibly like turned on in
the same way. And I rememberlike we started to do cam shows on
like Friday nights, and so likeit was really like sort of like date
(35:38):
night. We was gonna get intimatetonight. It gave us something to look
forward to, and it was forme it was just like this is good
because I'm prioritizing this part of myhealth. And then I would feel like
this huge mental health relief because Iwas like so anxious all week long and
not wanting the sex and then planningit and be like, why didn't we
(35:59):
plan that on Wednesday too? Howabout for you? For me, I
think about twenty sixteen or twenty seventeen, I was in a really really fucked
up guard accident. Um, somebodyran a red light and slammed into me.
And I needed back surgery after that, and I wasn't able to get
(36:24):
the surgery right away. They hadto like, you know, plan it
out and see if PT would helpand all this other shit. And I
remember, you know, for fora couple months, like I was still
shooting, Like I was in Miamiat one point, and it's funny because
that scene it's up on you know, all the sites or whatever, and
(36:46):
I'm looking at myself like, yo, you're invisible pain, dude, you
know what I'm saying, And it'sit's like, um, I kind of
had to learn like what I couldand could not do because my disc was
out and I was having bone tobone contact in my spine. So it's
like I had to relearn like Igotta stay up at this angle, or
(37:09):
I gotta move this way, orI could do this for a certain amount
of time before like that shit isgoing to be really really painful, and
you know, and then after thesurgery they told me, like, you
know, don't twist for a year, I was like, how to fu
coming to do that? People calledme I gotta turned around, like but
(37:31):
you know, like I really did. I really did have to learn,
you know, in order to forlike the stem cells and all that shit
that they did, to like setand heal to not do certain activities,
so like sexually, certain positions arelike I love picking people up and all
that other kind of shit, like, don't do that shit for like a
(37:51):
year. So it did teach me, you know, different ways and how
to now you know, work withmy body in that way. And also
like pain management, and that's alsosomething I don't think that people really discuss
when it comes to um sex postinjury, is you know, certain pain
(38:17):
You're gonna live with with certain injuriesfor the rest of your life. So
what level of pain is going tobe in the way of your intimacy or
what level of pain can you manage? What level of pain are you Like,
fuck it, I'm trying to getit in So I'm willing to have
this pleasure and pain at the sametime, or or it's unbearable. What
(38:39):
is a new position that I cando? What is a new way that
I can you know, um havesex and in the in the aspect of
mentally, it is like one ofthose things that can get in your way
because it's like, you know,I really loved doing this. This is
now something that I either have toput on hold or I will never do
(39:02):
again because of this injury, becauseof this pain. So you know,
I think about I think that's whyI also always do think about kind of
like how we started the show inthat conversation about that couple, It's like
you can find out a new thingthat you might be like, I like
(39:23):
this shit better than the before thing, Like I ain't never fucked in a
swing before this swing is lit,you know what I'm saying. So I
think being able to keep an openmind, and that is something that is
hard to do because we do fallin love with the ideas of our initial
experiences. And this isn't even justwith sex, but sex is a really
(39:45):
good example of it, where it'slike that first time that I did that
shit, I've been looking I've beenchasing that high forever. Now you know
what I'm saying. But there's awhole lot of firsts that you can still
do because you are now technically ina new body, or in a new
situation or a new mind state.So now you have a whole new level
(40:07):
of first and if you can approachit with that kind of mentality, it
does open itself up for a wholelot of enjoyment. I completely agree.
I love that idea of like,once you can be vulnerable with your situation
with yourself, like accepting this isa this isn't a new body or a
new situation that I'm working with,and then you could share that with your
(40:30):
partners. Then it really is endlessthe different things that you can get into.
And if you need some help findingthat endless list of things that you
can get into, like here weare, that's what we do. And
also it's not even just a listthat was compiled from research books. It's
compiled from our experience and also Jasmine'sresearch. But for me, challenging my
(40:54):
research books. But I think,like for me, it's so interesting because
I do have some fans who arelike I noticed that you have these extra
like because like I have, Yeah, they see my surgery scars, but
my surgery scars are actually really closeto a birthmark, Like is your birthmark
(41:15):
growing? I was like, yeah, like check that out. You know
if your birthmarks are changing that you'resupposed to look into that they looking out
for me. But it's like alsolike now you know, it did take
a lot of pat and a lotof reworking my body to get back to
doing certain things. And and alsobecause of that whole journey, I learned
(41:35):
other things that I like in otherother ways to maneuver and shit like that
literally and figuratively. So you know, for everybody out there, it is
not over. No, it's neverit's it's never over. You know.
They're just new ways that you're gonnabe able to experience your intimacy, your
(41:57):
partner, yourself and pleasure. Iwill say that the UM for so many
of us having to go UM liketo isolate the way that we did,
we learned a lot through online UMlike we saw, you know, our
experiences with our clients sore during thelockdowns because people were forced to find different
(42:20):
ways to experience pleasure. And youinvented SDVDSM socially distant DSM. I don't
know that I invented it, butI like you. You're so good.
UM, I feel like I wantus to I do want to say.
You know, we're all over theplace with this conversation UM. And this
is sort of just like an entrypoint of acknowledging the fact that people should
(42:45):
have access to UM sexual pleasure,regardless of diagnosis, regardless of UM physical
presentation, regardless of disorder, likethat it's your human right to experience sexual
pleasure. And so you know,that being sort of the framework for this
(43:07):
conversation that I am so excited tohave with other people in the field that
are developing adaptive furniture, adaptive sextoys, that are shooting content specifically for
people with different types of bodies anddifferent types of limitations mobility limitations, people
(43:30):
that are working with folks that havedifferent neurodivergent presentations on how you know to
sustain relationships, etcetera, etcetera.Like, there's so many people out there
that are doing work to create pleasurefor folks that you will not see an
(43:51):
advertisement for you know, or youwill not have a provider ask you what
your sexual goals are. Your intimacygoals are so I hope that those that
are watching that are pros in thisarea reach out to us. Yes we
would love to talk to you,Yes we would. And for our fans
and our audience, please consider youknow sex surrogates, sex therapists, UM
(44:15):
sex workers to help you explore themany different ways that there are to engage
intimately and center pleasure in your lifebecause there's no business like whole business.
And thank y'all very much for tuningin. We will see you on the
next one jet, said Jasmine Kingthe Wall Roll fetish radio roster give Right
Right, Adams, mister Gary Richard, Right, So what was your favorite
(00:24):
fantasy flight party that we ever did? It's the one we're about to do
in Costa Rica. That's not afantasy party. That's kink and Costa Rica.
Okay, Like from from the fromthere, from the days when we
were doing bachelor rede and birthday anddivorce parties. What was your favorite from
the days when we was lugging thatsixty pound massage table and eighty pound poles
(00:49):
those days. Yeah, country wherewe will show up and put a pole
in any room at your house anywherebecause you paid for it your popcorn,
she'lling about to get a pole init. They were They were all so
special for so many reasons. Solike it was a couple of things that
(01:10):
stood out, like okay, okay, So Miami stood out to me because
you you know, like it waslike a sister's birthday party. Was that
the one I had to get snuckout the back because somebody? That was
one of my not so favorite ones. No, it was another one.
(01:30):
It was with all the black womenin Miami and it was like like it
was so many, like twenty womenand they were so live and um,
I love that party. One ofthe reasons why I love that party is
because it just felt like if Inever left Miami, I would have been
(01:52):
going to that party. And soit was like they were just having so
much fun and the party kind oftook itself. Was like I brought the
stuff and then they were just solike funny and so lit. It was
just like do y'all thing, andevery now and then they asked a question
or you would come out in theroom and they would be like that was
(02:12):
a favorite. Another favorite is inOkallam when we was in the Man Cave.
Oh yeah, that party was wild. Like the pictures that I have
from that party are still like stillin rotation and people will still be like,
yo, then where was that?And then gosh, there's just so
(02:38):
many I love when we party.There's a group of women that eventually we
made it to Atlantic City with them, but it started with one of their
homegirls in Tampa and then like sheintroduced us their friend group and then their
friend group. You know. Ilove that that group of women in Queens
as well, right, that wasthat was one of my favorite party.
(02:59):
One of the first ones we inthe Queens. The Atlantic City one if
it was an episode on a TVshow, it would have been my favorite
episode of that TV show and myleast favorite. But my experience with it
and it was and it had nothingto do with the women or their actual
party, but it was like Ithink, like the massage table was lost
(03:21):
by shipping, so we had tobuy a massage table. Now if you
if you ain't from Jersey, andyou'll and you don't know about Atlantic City,
like other than the casinos and thecasinos of the casinos, but like
some parts of ac like wow,I didn't know Atlantic City was like that
(03:43):
at Atlantic City could get very sketchyin certain in certain aspects areas and manifestations
of whatnot. And we had andwe were like looking for this massage table
and it was like someone's like,I know, somebody just got a massage
table, like one of those likeI know a guy who's got a guy
and massage tables shouldn't have to bepurchased in that way, but it,
but it had to in our situation. It had to be. So like
(04:04):
we was like in this back alleyshit behind the boardwalk in this dude,
it's like, yeah, yeah,we got the stuff. Like it was
like I was buying like a brickor something in the car, like,
oh god, I hope he comes. Like I'm gonna get like I'm gonna
get kidnapped over this massage table,grown napped or whatever the fuck. And
(04:26):
so like I'm walking through this,it's all dark in there and shit like
it was literally like I was,I was trying to exchange hostages whatever so
ship and it was like I comeout with this massage table that somehow was
heavier than our original. It's likethat was like a hundred pounds. It
was like a massage table that's probablylike one of them joones that they probably
they probably stole that ship, probablyhad no business leaving where it was at,
(04:49):
and they sure as fuck shouldn't havebeen giving massages in the spot where
it was at. I felt likethey had people making fake Gucci bags and
then should wild as hell and thenso you know, anyway, get this
besside table, and then when we'releaving, they lose that massage table in
shipping, sending it back to us. So it's like, but that that
(05:11):
was just like a crazy as situation, but another one that stands out to
me, and it will always itwill probably always be my favorite because of
the connection that was made at thatparty. It was in It was in
either Va of Maryland, and we'redoing the party for all the ladies and
stuff. And I also remember thisone because this is the one where you
(05:32):
decided to leave another company that youhave been selling toys for and which was
just like I'm just gonna do justgonna be just setting jazzmine and it's gonna
be all my own shit. Theywrote me a little nasty letter about our
party. Yeah that company, right, I'm sure they're bankrupt by now,
but they The husband was upstairs formost of the party and then we were
(05:58):
doing our demonstration on the swim andall this kind of shit, and it
was like, I don't know howhe kind of like made his way downstairs
at that time. He was sucha doting husband. I think he was
coming down to like make sure everythingwas all right. King ain't down that
finger and nobody Like basically he camedown to see if she like needed something
(06:20):
to drink or something like that,and we were like, hey, let's
get you, yeah and your ladyin the swing. And he has shared
that he was a veteran and hewas just like, Yo, there's a
lot of things that I would liketo do that I can't do because I
have like it was like shrapnel orsomething in his back, so you know,
(06:42):
certain positions and certain holds and thingslike that were causing pain. So
I was like, yo, likeif you use the swing and this pos
as he said, like, Yo, I like, I like back shots.
I like I like hitting them backshots. So I was like,
yo, if you're standing here andshe's in the swing this way, then
you're the back is supporting you,and you were showing her like different positions
that she can do in the swingwhere he can still have that, And
(07:05):
yeah, exactly. And I willalways remember that party because it was like
he had that now like oh,I love y'all, but y'all gotta go
because I'm about to get these youknow what I'm saying. But I always
think about that because it's it's somethingthat's not spoken about very often, is
(07:28):
you know, whether it be aging, and you know, our bodies change
or injury, and our bodies change, or illness and our bodies change.
How do we maintain and continue oursex lives or or or pivot what our
sex life is into a way thatis still pleasurable for us and our partner,
(07:48):
and you are actually like an experton that ship or intimacy post injury.
So I want to go over likehow are about it? Yeah?
Like how can we how can wegrow? How can we pivot? How
can we enhance our sex lives whenwe do have injuries or illnesses? That
(08:11):
was definitely one of the parties thatum I was like, ha, like
this is why we do what wedo, right, you know, It's
like we always see that, butthis was so it was so specific and
so like in in our face oflike, how is this couple gonna,
you know, be able to enjoysex for the next twenty thirty forty plus
(08:33):
years. And I'm sure you know, they would have figured something out,
and they were figuring something out becausethey were just very loving and affectionate with
each other. But I really feltlike we were able to enhance that for
them. And so there are definitelythere are a lot of specialists and experts
out there, but just just kindof share my background. I am a
gerontologist, so I have studied aging, and I always thought that it was
(08:58):
important to study aging because that's somethingthat I certainly wanted to do and I
wanted to be able to do itgracefully. I also wanted to no matter
what our business and our livelihood was, I wanted to cater to people over
an extended period of time. Andso in order to do that, as
to figure out how do people ageand what like pain points no pun intended
(09:20):
would people have that we would beable to like pivot our work towards And
my work with veterans and people inmedical settings has always been influenced by the
medical community. Right, So,like someone is sick, like what pills
do they need to to feel better? What treatments do they need medically to
(09:45):
be able to go home? ButI always looked at it and this is
sort of like the therapist aspect forme, go home and do what?
Go home and do what for why? And usually our forms of intimacy and
relationship is why we do the thingswe do. Like why people fight so
hard when they're sick is because theywant to be there for you know,
(10:05):
and for what? For who?It usually is some relationship, whether it's
the relationship to friends or family,relationship, to something that they're passionate about.
It's usually intimacy is on the otherend of what we fight for wellness
around. So I started to challengethe medical spaces that I worked in to
(10:31):
add that component, like what isintimacy for this person and how can we
use that to like encourage them toget better? Also what besides, like
if they can go to the bathroom, if they could take their pills and
like you know, sleep and allthis kind of stuff, Like what do
they do for fun? You know? What do they do to connect with
(10:52):
other people that like if they coulddo this thing, that their life would
actually be improved. Because if youtold me, like, yeah, this
this pill will help you get outof bed of like okay, great,
but like get out of bed too? Do what? Yeah? You know,
if you told me that, Okay, this pill is going to help
you be able to go to somelike I don't know whatever vet con or
(11:16):
things that I get excited about,you know, or Costa Rico or some
kinky shit, you know, thenI'd be like, oh, yeah,
like let me get that. Soum. So, what I have found
is that a lot of people,because of our own issues around sex and
sexuality and shame, and a lotof physicians, medical providers, therapists are
(11:39):
uncomfortable asking people about intimacy and youknow, and my work people were like,
Okay, I don't know how toask the doctor this, but when
are we going to be able tohave sex again? Or my my husband
is paralyzed from the neck down andI have no idea, like what is
our sex life going to look?Like we're twenty something years old when we
(12:01):
got married, like what do Ido? And starting to infuse the work
that we were doing, like okay, can we talk about role play?
How can we stimulate the mind ina sexual way so that there can be
orgasm? Still, let's talk aboutface sitting right, like you know,
how can we help your partners stillgive you pleasure which will give them pleasure?
(12:28):
Can we talk about mutual masturbation?Can we look at adaptive toys?
Can we force pt to order yousex toys? Because that is actually what
this person needs towards the quality oftheir life. Well, going back to
what you just said about shame andhow shame then kind of closes off avenue
(12:50):
of conversation that is very important topeople is it does show like how much
gets left out and then with thatshame or with people who are like,
oh you shouldn't be worried about yoursex life if you are paraplegic or this,
(13:11):
Yeah, exactly that that's always kindof how it's presented. Like,
you know, there are more thingsto being alive than you know, just
just breathing and eating or drinking,you know, and someone who is injured
or paraplegic or paralyzed or all ofthese things is to live a fulfilling life.
(13:35):
And I think that there is thatbias that people have who you know,
have use of their all their limbsand things like that, where it's
like if I don't have that,then they don't think about a fulfilling life
anymore. And there are so manyways and so many pleasures that you can
have no matter what your limitations are, that it needs to be fully recognized
(14:01):
and needs to be an open conversationthat people should be able to have with
their medical providers. In that thatshame was so deep that I no longer
do that work in that capacity anymore, because they could they did not like
that challenge that I was bringing tothe table or the lived experience I was
having to go get the information tobring to the table. So one of
(14:22):
the one of my early client situations. I was, I guess what will
be considered a surrogate now because itwasn't It wasn't like cuck holding in the
cuckolding sense of you know, thewhole DS dynamic and role play of cuckolding.
(14:43):
It was more just like you area sex surrogate, you know,
and it was very it was fulfillingto be a part of that of that
of that dynamic. Can you canexplain a little bit more about what that
is? So there are I mean, there is a formal profession of sex
(15:03):
sex surrogacy. There's actually a practicewhere a mental health provider will sort of
prescribe a client to have sexual experienceswith someone who is a sex worker,
but also sees a person in providingphysical sexual experiences with the understanding that it
(15:26):
is for therapeutic purposes. Sometimes yousee this with people who've experienced trauma and
would like to have sexual experiences withsomeone in a safe, a safe way,
one that they can communicate about firstand explore their boundaries with that's not
going to be all of the nationafterwards, exactly. It could be someone
(15:48):
who has a certain type of physicallimitation or disability that it takes adaptive sex
that may be more challenging to experiencewith um, you know, like picking
up someone in a social situation.And the idea is that just because you
have a sex arrogate doesn't necessarily meanthat you won't have you can't have other
less formal sex. It's just thatwe have needs and desires and in the
(16:11):
meantime, in between times, youmight not want to teach somebody or the
things in that particular setting, andright, you want to take your time
with somebody else before you got toteach itself, right, Or a sex
surrogate might be the person that teachesyour partner how to have that sex with
you in a safe way and likea way that you know you enjoy.
So there's a caphona and then there'sa sex surrogate that sometimes people may be
(16:36):
partnered where one partner is a sexualor does not want to have a particular
type of sex. And you know, so you were serving that space for
someone who I believe had some traumaticexperiences and and if I remember correctly,
while you weren't working with that person'stherapists or provider, it was strongly encouraged
(17:00):
that they have a safe situation withsomeone that one was more recent actually,
um, longer ago. I waswith a couple and the man in the
couple he had some injuries and wasn'table to achieve an erection. Okay,
so but I also would kind ofhelp them engage in ways while she was
(17:27):
engaging with me, and oh man, I loved it. See it's so
cool where they are. I hopethey're still getting off to our experiences together.
That's so cool. One of theum examples that I think often gets
missed in you know, sex workis work or um the fact that people
(17:52):
who are not between the ages oflike eighteen and like fifty five, like
still have that still want to havesex, still deserve good sex and sexual
experiences. And I say that becauseyou know, we only sell sex to
that demographic for sure. This Iwas gonna say, like, there are
a lot of misconceptions about you know, people over the age of fifty,
(18:17):
right, or people with disabilities,people living with like mental health and like
all these different things that somehow sexgets pulled out of their humanity. Correct,
And that's why there is like sexualuh sex disability justice advocates and activists
(18:38):
because of that like part our sexand sexuality and intimacy is a part of
our human need and it is apart of our human right and these things,
you know, it gets pulled awayfrom folks with mental health issues,
Folks that live in any type oflike medical setting they are they don't have
(18:59):
privacy to engage in sex. Theycannot have sexual partners that are not that
they're not married to or partnered with. And I used to see that in
a long term care long term caresetting that I worked at. It wasn't
It would be looked at as eitherthis person is so old they don't need
to be having people come in,or that person is only going after their
(19:22):
money, or this person is sickthey shouldn't be having like, um,
you know, there are sometimes thatI don't feel well and having sex is
like not high up there, butthere's sometimes I don't feel well and like
sex would definitely make it better.So whether that is like feeling down or
depressed or anxious, like you couldget a lot of that energy out,
(19:42):
or feeling disconnected, it can bevery grounding. Having cramps, it can
really help relax your muscles. Yeah, think about that all the times people
are, oh, I got mycramps, leave me alone. No,
she just doesn't want to have sexwith you, you exactly, or you
know, there's that medical stigma aroundsex that's truemps. But um so in
(20:06):
these long term care settings, Iwas really really active active, um excuse
me. I was really pushing hardand advocating for people to be able to
have access to safe sex so condomsif they wanted it, lou, because
we lose a lot of our vaginallubrication over time with age and sickness and
(20:26):
medication and things like that. Advocatingfor people to have visitors, how they
wanted to have visitors at the hourthat they wanted to have visitors, with
a closed door, doing whatever theywanted to do with those that is.
That is definitely something I see alot when it comes to uh for like
older folk who staying facilities where it'slike they can't have visitors past a certain
(20:48):
hour, telling me when people canand come and my house I didn't live
this long whenever, Especially when youlook at the price of what it those
would it cost to live in thoseplaces, and y'all say, y'all supervise
the twenty four hours a day,right, so then see this person in
and see this person words so alot of that working. You know,
(21:10):
one of the like the simplest thingsthat I was asking for is that.
And when we do our intake ofa client and you ask them everything like
do you use drugs? You dothis? You just like just ask like
what is your sexual what is yourwhat is your intimacy lifestyle? Like right
now, what is your sexual lifestyle? What would you like it to be?
So we could then like make thata part of your treatment goal.
(21:33):
I mean, I think that kindof stigma also led to what was that
a couple of years ago when therewas this news that came out about the
villages over there, There was likethis crazy high rate of STDs going around
now because you know, when itcomes to um older folks, they're not
bringing them condoms or you know,doing the same kind of checks and things
(21:57):
like that that they do with youngerpeople when I mean they have more time
and more money. You literally livein like a resort with your peers.
That's what we do at camp,right, I mean, so um,
(22:17):
so yeah, that you know,it is a huge thing. And then
and a part of that for meis like kind of bringing it back to
injury and illness, whether it's mentalhealth illness or physical illness or injuries that
if you incorporate people's intimacy and sexlives into their treatment plan, like then
you're treating the comprehensive person. Youknow, you're finding out what may be
(22:38):
really important. Like you don't haveto tell me you you're not going to
motivate me if injured to get upthose I don't know. I think we
have like seventeen eighteen stairs in ourhouse. But if you tell me that,
like your bedroom is upstairs and mineit downstairs, and I'm super motivated
(23:00):
for us to be able to sleepin the same bed together. Okay,
Yeah, tell the occupational therapists toput that as like a goal for me,
and that's going to help you helpme or with mental health illness if
you're not addressing that. Some ofthese medications may have an impact on how
someone performs sexually and that's really abig deal to them. Like maybe they're
(23:22):
a sex worker and they have,you know, for their livelihood, they
have to be able to perform oryou know, it's just a part of
their lifestyle that there's their sexual performanceis really important to them. So taking
this medication may cause an upset inthat area of their life. If we're
having that conversation, then we canlook at alternatives, right, you know,
we can look at performance enhancers,we can look at a different style
(23:45):
of medication, we could look attaking the medication at a different time.
Like, there's so many things thatget lost because we do not want to
have these conversations because, like yousaid, there's this sort of puritanical gaze
over this at like sex is onlyfor one reason anyway, so you should
just be happy you're alive and liketoss that side that you shouldn't even be
(24:07):
tapping into any ways out. Well, I think that that even goes just
in not even like sex as apart of overall happiness. Yeah, it's
not even like you're supposed to behappy or just supposed to be You're happy
that you're alive. But besides that, like other areas of happiness, like
(24:27):
you know, there are certain placesthat you go and there are no you
know, ramps for people with disabilitiesor things like that that will that will
help people who are differently able tomove around in the same space as other
people just as easily, right,you know, And I do think when
it comes to sex specifically, youknow, it's kind of like one thing
(24:51):
is covered, that is dick pills. Dick pills are covered, but you
know, it is not always ablood flow issue to why men are not
achieving their erection. And you know, when it comes to the mental aspect
(25:11):
of those things, it's always lookedover. So in regards to mental health.
And also people don't even add womenor people who are not like sis
gender male to that conversation really atall, because I remember there was like
a there was a women's viagra thatthey were talking about for a hot minute.
(25:33):
I don't know what happened to it. Specifically, they said, it
won't cover that, it won't coverpads, it won't cover nothing. So
you know, when it comes tomental, mental health and sexual performance,
(25:53):
how is that something that can becovered in like a fully comprehensive Yeah.
I think there's a couple of things, you know, I don't think that
people recognize because one, we justdon't have basic sex education, and then
we certainly don't have when things aren'tgoing well, sex education, right,
(26:15):
you know, So then there's somany layers. And I also think we
do not have mental health knowledge justas a just as a general uh,
just in general. So when Ithink people think about mental health, they
tend to think about the extremes ofmental health disordered presentation. When I look
(26:38):
at high levels of stress as athreat to your mental health, and how
many people you know are experiencing highlevels of stress? Everybody? Everybody,
right, you know, and mentalhealth is just a part of like it's
a part of our overall hygiene,and so um I do think that sometimes
(26:59):
people have a hard time recognizing whentheir own mental health is having impact on
their sexual desires and or performances orperformance or you know, just their overall
behavior. Right, So sometimes wesee people withdraw from wanting to have sex,
(27:21):
or people have a hard time sustainingbeing in the moment while having sex,
or we see people making unhealthy choicesrelated to sex because of you know,
whether it's high levels of stress ora specific diagnosis. So I think
(27:41):
when we when people are talking aboutlike, you know, we need mental
health reform, we need mental healthcare, that's a part of it.
That's part of Like, the moreyou know about your own mental health hygiene,
you can see how it's actually havingan impact in relationships and how you
interact with others, including sex andthen taking it a step further. You
(28:02):
know, I have a lot ofclients, specifically women and women identifying clients.
I say, I can be havingsex, but I'm not there,
Like, what is wrong with me? Do I not like having some?
I'm like, okay, well whereare you? Where are you going?
It's like to this incredible crazy todo list of things that they need to
do and all of these pressures andif they're performing well enough or not,
(28:23):
you know, and like the anxietiesaround their bodies and if they're doing enough
for their partner, and it's like, yeah, of course you're not enjoying
yourself. Now to my mail presentingclients, it's a lot of the same
things. I lose my erection,Okay, what's happening? When you're losing
your erection? It can sometimes bethe anxiety of having lost it before.
(28:44):
And there's all of this pressure thatmen are never supposed to lose their erection.
And that's like not even biologically athing, you know, there's all
parts of our bodies that do differentthings at different points in time, but
there's like this series is pressure thatevery single time. Yeah, it's manhood
itself is so tied to your reality. Oh my gosh, it's exhausting.
(29:07):
But I do think there has tobe some kind of shift in how we
frame sex, right, Like Ithink sex is like if you have insertion,
then that's the ultimate sex, rightum, And oral sex isn't isn't
(29:27):
viewed on the same level or handsfeet conversation, all these different things are
not viewed on the same level asif it's just in such and I mean
I think that that's kind of goingback to the same kind of thing,
as as procreative sex is viewed asthe as the one, right, but
(29:52):
I think in order and this andthis goes for anybody's level of physical and
mental you know ability. If wecan look at sex as how we engage
with another person, the intimacy thatwe share with that other person, And
this could be intimacy with you know, someone you've been married to for fifty
years or someone you just met fiftyminutes ago. But you can look at
(30:15):
it like, this is an experiencethat we're both going to share that we
would like to be pleasurable for bothof us, and however all of us,
and however and however we choose toengage in it, for us is
important and it's and it's worth itinstead of just looking like if I have,
(30:37):
you know, an erection that couldcut glass and a pussy that's a
slipping slide, you know what I'msaying, Like, because our bodies do
change, our bodies do shift,and how that moment is can be different
from with the same person on thesame fucking day, you know what I
mean. So it's like looking atthe intimacy instead of just the physicality that
(31:03):
like dead on that that is somuch of obviously the work that you really
did. But no, stay fora while, okay, Um that it
really is the work that I knowthat you and I do and it's Um,
it's like the conversations I couldn't havewith some of the smartest people in
medicine, that we couldn't make thatconnection to like why this is so important?
(31:26):
How we can broaden the conversation aroundsex, Like it's okay for us
to talk about kink because that canbroaden what sex looks like. Um,
it just sort of makes me thinkof like finding orgasmic moments in other things
outside of your body, you know, or um, this will be it'll
(31:49):
be a little silly, but yesterdayactually, so for those who don't know,
we have, um a newborn anda toddler, and we were in
the guest bathroom brushing our teeth togetherand it was such a like shared moment.
We're like we're alone and brushing ourteeth. It was so pleasurable to
(32:12):
me because I was I don't know, it was just cute and we both
like came in the house and likedid the same thing. And then like
within like I don't know, aminute and a half, you know,
comes our toddler and breaks that momentup. But we were not touching,
we were not naked or anything likethat. We just like had a moment
to ourselves and it was sort ofsilly and could connected and it brought me
(32:37):
joy and so like sharing, likeI think for people to hear like,
oh, two people who do pornand who you know connecting over that sexy
moment of that sexy moment of brushingour teeth like that, and you know,
both of us are able body folksthat um, you know, don't
(32:59):
have some that don't have any physicalchallenges for the most part when it comes
to having sex, but still findother ways to connect with each other.
And like helping couples thruffles and singlesidentify other things that bring them joy,
how they can connect that to youknow, um intimacy, as you mentioned
(33:22):
how that intimacy like how we experienceorgasmic feelings in different parts of our body
through different ways of being stimulated.And like, I'm so interested in those
things because I know that the shellwill give out over time, as you
know, just being on this earth, and like, what are ways that
(33:43):
I'm going to be able to tapinto so that I can continue to experience
pleasure for as long as possible.Yeah. I was actually about to ask
you that are there any times withinyour life that you had to adapt to
either their body changing or an injuryor something that was going on mentally that
you're comfortable? Yeah? All three. Um, this was by no means
(34:08):
um injury or or an illness.But when I was pregnant, you know,
I was like throwing up a lotin um and just not really feeling
well. And I know, likewhen I was starting to come out off
of that morning sickness time for us, it was just like I don't want
to do oral for a while.It's just like it's just too it's too
(34:31):
close to where I've been feeling sickfor so long, and like just expressing
that and it not being an expectation, not like anything is ever an expectation,
but that's just like it's just notgonna be a part of the We're
not pulling from that part of thetoolbox right now. There have also been
(34:51):
I think thinking of like mental healthtimes is especially during the pandemic, where
I felt, well, we're stillwe're we are still in a pandemic,
regardless of what says Lead Joe Bidenand his gas. But now during the
lockdown period of the pandemic, theheight of the pandemic, I felt so
(35:16):
stressed out. I was so anxious, and we would have to find like
different ways of connecting because I justdid not feel incredibly like turned on in
the same way. And I rememberlike we started to do cam shows on
like Friday nights, and so likeit was really like sort of like date
(35:38):
night. We was gonna get intimatetonight. It gave us something to look
forward to, and it was forme it was just like this is good
because I'm prioritizing this part of myhealth. And then I would feel like
this huge mental health relief because Iwas like so anxious all week long and
not wanting the sex and then planningit and be like, why didn't we
(35:59):
plan that on Wednesday too? Howabout for you? For me, I
think about twenty sixteen or twenty seventeen, I was in a really really fucked
up guard accident. Um, somebodyran a red light and slammed into me.
And I needed back surgery after that, and I wasn't able to get
(36:24):
the surgery right away. They hadto like, you know, plan it
out and see if PT would helpand all this other shit. And I
remember, you know, for fora couple months, like I was still
shooting, Like I was in Miamiat one point, and it's funny because
that scene it's up on you know, all the sites or whatever, and
(36:46):
I'm looking at myself like, yo, you're invisible pain, dude, you
know what I'm saying, And it'sit's like, um, I kind of
had to learn like what I couldand could not do because my disc was
out and I was having bone tobone contact in my spine. So it's
like I had to relearn like Igotta stay up at this angle, or
(37:09):
I gotta move this way, orI could do this for a certain amount
of time before like that shit isgoing to be really really painful, and
you know, and then after thesurgery they told me, like, you
know, don't twist for a year, I was like, how to fu
coming to do that? People calledme I gotta turned around, like but
(37:31):
you know, like I really did. I really did have to learn,
you know, in order to forlike the stem cells and all that shit
that they did, to like setand heal to not do certain activities,
so like sexually, certain positions arelike I love picking people up and all
that other kind of shit, like, don't do that shit for like a
(37:51):
year. So it did teach me, you know, different ways and how
to now you know, work withmy body in that way. And also
like pain management, and that's alsosomething I don't think that people really discuss
when it comes to um sex postinjury, is you know, certain pain
(38:17):
You're gonna live with with certain injuriesfor the rest of your life. So
what level of pain is going tobe in the way of your intimacy or
what level of pain can you manage? What level of pain are you Like,
fuck it, I'm trying to getit in So I'm willing to have
this pleasure and pain at the sametime, or or it's unbearable. What
(38:39):
is a new position that I cando? What is a new way that
I can you know, um havesex and in the in the aspect of
mentally, it is like one ofthose things that can get in your way
because it's like, you know,I really loved doing this. This is
now something that I either have toput on hold or I will never do
(39:02):
again because of this injury, becauseof this pain. So you know,
I think about I think that's whyI also always do think about kind of
like how we started the show inthat conversation about that couple, It's like
you can find out a new thingthat you might be like, I like
(39:23):
this shit better than the before thing, Like I ain't never fucked in a
swing before this swing is lit,you know what I'm saying. So I
think being able to keep an openmind, and that is something that is
hard to do because we do fallin love with the ideas of our initial
experiences. And this isn't even justwith sex, but sex is a really
(39:45):
good example of it, where it'slike that first time that I did that
shit, I've been looking I've beenchasing that high forever. Now you know
what I'm saying. But there's awhole lot of firsts that you can still
do because you are now technically ina new body, or in a new
situation or a new mind state.So now you have a whole new level
(40:07):
of first and if you can approachit with that kind of mentality, it
does open itself up for a wholelot of enjoyment. I completely agree.
I love that idea of like,once you can be vulnerable with your situation
with yourself, like accepting this isa this isn't a new body or a
new situation that I'm working with,and then you could share that with your
(40:30):
partners. Then it really is endlessthe different things that you can get into.
And if you need some help findingthat endless list of things that you
can get into, like here weare, that's what we do. And
also it's not even just a listthat was compiled from research books. It's
compiled from our experience and also Jasmine'sresearch. But for me, challenging my
(40:54):
research books. But I think,like for me, it's so interesting because
I do have some fans who arelike I noticed that you have these extra
like because like I have, Yeah, they see my surgery scars, but
my surgery scars are actually really closeto a birthmark, Like is your birthmark
(41:15):
growing? I was like, yeah, like check that out. You know
if your birthmarks are changing that you'resupposed to look into that they looking out
for me. But it's like alsolike now you know, it did take
a lot of pat and a lotof reworking my body to get back to
doing certain things. And and alsobecause of that whole journey, I learned
(41:35):
other things that I like in otherother ways to maneuver and shit like that
literally and figuratively. So you know, for everybody out there, it is
not over. No, it's neverit's it's never over. You know.
They're just new ways that you're gonnabe able to experience your intimacy, your
(41:57):
partner, yourself and pleasure. Iwill say that the UM for so many
of us having to go UM liketo isolate the way that we did,
we learned a lot through online UMlike we saw, you know, our
experiences with our clients sore during thelockdowns because people were forced to find different
(42:20):
ways to experience pleasure. And youinvented SDVDSM socially distant DSM. I don't
know that I invented it, butI like you. You're so good.
UM, I feel like I wantus to I do want to say.
You know, we're all over theplace with this conversation UM. And this
is sort of just like an entrypoint of acknowledging the fact that people should
(42:45):
have access to UM sexual pleasure,regardless of diagnosis, regardless of UM physical
presentation, regardless of disorder, likethat it's your human right to experience sexual
pleasure. And so you know,that being sort of the framework for this
(43:07):
conversation that I am so excited tohave with other people in the field that
are developing adaptive furniture, adaptive sextoys, that are shooting content specifically for
people with different types of bodies anddifferent types of limitations mobility limitations, people
(43:30):
that are working with folks that havedifferent neurodivergent presentations on how you know to
sustain relationships, etcetera, etcetera.Like, there's so many people out there
that are doing work to create pleasurefor folks that you will not see an
(43:51):
advertisement for you know, or youwill not have a provider ask you what
your sexual goals are. Your intimacygoals are so I hope that those that
are watching that are pros in thisarea reach out to us. Yes we
would love to talk to you,Yes we would. And for our fans
and our audience, please consider youknow sex surrogates, sex therapists, UM
(44:15):
sex workers to help you explore themany different ways that there are to engage
intimately and center pleasure in your lifebecause there's no business like whole business.
And thank y'all very much for tuningin. We will see you on the
next one jet, said Jasmine Kingthe Wall Roll fetish radio roster give Right
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