August 7, 2025 • 8 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is klawn Calling by Walt Sheldon. One sure way
to live dangerously is to become a practical joker. Should
you have any doubts about it, you might ask Professor Dane.
You didn't have to be a potential Einstein to take
Professor Dane's course. For one thing, you got a few
(00:21):
easy credits, and for another, you were entertained without let
up by Professor Lyman Dane's celebrated wit. Take the time
he was illustrating terminal velocity he jumped out of the
open third story window, horrifying the class until they learned
he'd rigged a canvas life net on the floor below.
Or the time he led a mouse loose among the
female students to illustrate chain reaction, or the afternoon he
(00:44):
played boogie woogie on the Heuler Memorial Kaillion. The absorption
of knowledge, he used to say, increases in direct proportion
to the sense of humor, the belly laugh measured in decipels.
Being a constant, he could say a thing like that
and make it sound funnier than than anybody else could.
It was partly the way he looked tall and mournful
(01:04):
and sly, with wispy hair, that had once been blonde,
drooping like a tired willow over his forehead. But for
all his vaudeville tactics, he was by no means a
second rate scientist, which was why he had gained his
position at Southwestern Tech in the first place. He refused
to work directly for the government. No sense of humor,
just initials, he said. But this way he could at
(01:27):
least be called upon for consultation at the nearby Air
Force Development Center just at the foot of the mountains
to the west. Now, the a f d C, as
it was called, didn't advertise what sort of thing it
was developing, but everybody knew that Lyman Dane was an
expert on reactive propulsion of rocket motors. He could tell you,
and frequently would without being asked, exactly what mass ratio,
(01:48):
nozzle diameter, and propulsive velocity would be needed for the
first trip to the Moon. He knew how many hours
a round trip would take, both for landing there or
merely circling the body of the satellite. He had the
courses to Mars and Venus thoroughly charted, but considered a
trip to Jupiter somewhat impractical. So what with Dane's presence
and the mysterious white streaks that so often shot up
(02:10):
into the sky like fuzzy yarn from the aft C base,
it wasn't hard to guess what was going on. Nevertheless,
Professor Dane was surprised and somewhat offended when the young
man from the Federal Bureau of Investigation came to call
on him one afternoon. And the worst part of it
was that the young man didn't have much of a
sense of humor. As you know, sir, the young man said,
(02:31):
we've been sighting and tracking these unidentified objects in the sky.
You must have read about those they chased near Atlanta yesterday. Ah,
said Professor Dane, Martian through Georgia, no doubt. The young
man stared at him blankly. He seemed, to Professor Dane
one of the most nondescript young men his eyes had
ever beheld. He had a clean shaven, pleasant face without
(02:52):
exactly being handsome, and his eyes were sincere and mild.
He wore a neat gray tropical worsted suit and an
unobtrue jusive tie. He was about thirty. Professor Dane supposed
that all this was an advantage in his profession. The
young man went on earnestly, without forming any theories about
these things. We've been asked to take certain precautions. I
(03:13):
don't know whether they suspect a hostile power or what.
That's not my job at any rate. I've been given
the responsibility of instituting certain security techniques. You do, after all, sir,
have access to and knowledge of considerable classified information. The
lad reminded him somewhat of his old friend and colleague,
doctor Fincher out in California. Wally Fincher was a well
(03:35):
known physicist. Now, though how anyone ever managed to struggle
through his dry, ponderous books, Dane didn't know. Probably he
had gained most of his fame through his part in
those experiments where they bounced radar blips off the moon.
Dane thought, whilely always talked in long, unnecessary words. He
never merely went when he could proceed. He never simply
(03:58):
used when it was possible to utilize. He didn't get
things done, he implemented them. Professor Dane made a mental
note to put in a long distance call to Wally
that evening and tweak his nose a bit. Maybe Dane
could pretend he was the FBI disguise his voice and
interrogate Wally as though he were investigating him. He chuckled
(04:19):
a little at the idea. Then he realized that the
young man had been talking and he hadn't been listening. So,
among other things, sir, we thought it best to monitor
your official mail and hope you won't mind, what said Dane,
raising his eyebrows. And your phone, you'll hear a couple
of clicks whenever you use it. Were recording what's said
over it, though I assure you all records obtained will
(04:39):
be kept in strictest confidence. Dane acquiesced. The young man
finally managed to make it clear that all this surveillance
would have to be done with Dane's permission, and the
professor annoyed. Though he was didn't want to appear uncooperative,
he couldn't resist, however, giving the young man the wrong
hat when he went out, and being delighted when the
young man came back for the right one five minutes later.
(05:00):
He was glad to see that something could fluster him,
but that wasn't really enough. Professor Dane had been annoyed,
and he needed to express himself further by means of
the joke, which was his art in order to regain
some measure of his equilibrium and self respect. Inspiration visited
him as he was climbing the stairs to his bedroom
at ten thirty that evening. He stopped short, thought a minute,
(05:21):
then began to chuckle. He turned and went downstairs again,
stepped to the phone. Professor Dane lived alone, and no
one else would be able to share his planned joke,
but this didn't matter. He had been privately enjoying his
pranks ever since as a frail boy with an unreasonable
and dominating male parent. He had discovered that they were
one way in which he could compete with heartier souls,
(05:42):
at times even surpassed them. Never Mind the audience, he
thought the jest was the thing. It was an hour
earlier in Los Angeles, and doctor Wallace Fincher was at home.
Dane disguised his voice. He did a lot of university
theater work, and this kind of thing came to him easily.
He listened for to doctor Fincher's arid, humorless Hello, doctor
(06:04):
Fincher speaking. Then he heard the preliminary clicking, just as
the FBI man had predicted. Thandor said Professor Dane, this
is Klon calling. I beg your pardon, said doctor Fincher.
The jig's up, said Professor Dane. Captain Lixel in Propyl
Cruiser nine nine seventy three will never be able to
break through. The Earthlings have set up a close watch.
(06:26):
They're suspicious. Who is this? Doctor Fincher sounded startled. Who
the devil is calling? Dane could barely keep his laughter
from breaking into his voice. Thandor we can come to
no conclusion but that the terrestrials are definitely hostile. We
should have expected that from their primitive stage of development.
They have orders to shoot any of our propyl cruisers
(06:47):
they can catch. I suggest that we withdraw all ships
of the Franistan class immediately from their free orbits and
send them on a standard Caplerian course to the home
planet for further consultation. Is this some kind of joke?
Flincher sounded as if he were almost panicky. Furthermore, said Dane,
I recommend that we withdraw all agents from Earth. We
(07:08):
can't conceal our superior mental development and advanced technology much longer.
Someone's bound to catch on pretty soon. I was against
this plan and the galactic council in the first place,
you'll remember well, farewell, fandor I'll be seeing you soon
in space. And Professor Dane hung up before he exploded
with laughter. He laughed until the tears came to his eyes.
(07:28):
He held his stomach with both hands. He was weak.
He supported himself on the stair railing, and four minutes
was unable to take the first tread. With his lively
scientist's imagination, he could picture the completely bewildered look on
the young FBI man's face when he listened to this
conversation on the tape recorder or whatever it was they used.
He was certainly going to have to try and get
(07:49):
that recording from them play it back for Fincher some time.
Lordy Fincher would have apoplexy every time he heard it. He
finally gained enough strength to climb the stairs. He went
into his bedroom, still chuckling weakly, still wiping the tears
from his eyes, stomach muscles still aching, Doctor Wallace Fincher
stood there by his bed. It was Fincher, the same stocky,
(08:11):
round faced man with the steel rimmed glasses. He had
always known. It was either Fincher or the damnedest hallucination
he had ever. I'm sorry, Lyman, said doctor Fincher in
a kindly but impersonal voice. You were getting a trifle
too close. I'm afraid you have left me no choice.
He pointed a little silvery tube at Professor Dane, and
there was a soft buzzing and the smell of ozone,
(08:33):
and Professor Dane was no longer in the room or
anywhere else. Doctor Fincher sighed, adjusted his glasses, and faded
into the dimension that would take him back to Los
Angeles and his interrupted work. And of this is klon
Calling by Walt Sheldon
This is klawn Calling by Walt Sheldon. One sure way
to live dangerously is to become a practical joker. Should
you have any doubts about it, you might ask Professor Dane.
You didn't have to be a potential Einstein to take
Professor Dane's course. For one thing, you got a few
(00:21):
easy credits, and for another, you were entertained without let
up by Professor Lyman Dane's celebrated wit. Take the time
he was illustrating terminal velocity he jumped out of the
open third story window, horrifying the class until they learned
he'd rigged a canvas life net on the floor below.
Or the time he led a mouse loose among the
female students to illustrate chain reaction, or the afternoon he
(00:44):
played boogie woogie on the Heuler Memorial Kaillion. The absorption
of knowledge, he used to say, increases in direct proportion
to the sense of humor, the belly laugh measured in decipels.
Being a constant, he could say a thing like that
and make it sound funnier than than anybody else could.
It was partly the way he looked tall and mournful
(01:04):
and sly, with wispy hair, that had once been blonde,
drooping like a tired willow over his forehead. But for
all his vaudeville tactics, he was by no means a
second rate scientist, which was why he had gained his
position at Southwestern Tech in the first place. He refused
to work directly for the government. No sense of humor,
just initials, he said. But this way he could at
(01:27):
least be called upon for consultation at the nearby Air
Force Development Center just at the foot of the mountains
to the west. Now, the a f d C, as
it was called, didn't advertise what sort of thing it
was developing, but everybody knew that Lyman Dane was an
expert on reactive propulsion of rocket motors. He could tell you,
and frequently would without being asked, exactly what mass ratio,
(01:48):
nozzle diameter, and propulsive velocity would be needed for the
first trip to the Moon. He knew how many hours
a round trip would take, both for landing there or
merely circling the body of the satellite. He had the
courses to Mars and Venus thoroughly charted, but considered a
trip to Jupiter somewhat impractical. So what with Dane's presence
and the mysterious white streaks that so often shot up
(02:10):
into the sky like fuzzy yarn from the aft C base,
it wasn't hard to guess what was going on. Nevertheless,
Professor Dane was surprised and somewhat offended when the young
man from the Federal Bureau of Investigation came to call
on him one afternoon. And the worst part of it
was that the young man didn't have much of a
sense of humor. As you know, sir, the young man said,
(02:31):
we've been sighting and tracking these unidentified objects in the sky.
You must have read about those they chased near Atlanta yesterday. Ah,
said Professor Dane, Martian through Georgia, no doubt. The young
man stared at him blankly. He seemed, to Professor Dane
one of the most nondescript young men his eyes had
ever beheld. He had a clean shaven, pleasant face without
(02:52):
exactly being handsome, and his eyes were sincere and mild.
He wore a neat gray tropical worsted suit and an
unobtrue jusive tie. He was about thirty. Professor Dane supposed
that all this was an advantage in his profession. The
young man went on earnestly, without forming any theories about
these things. We've been asked to take certain precautions. I
(03:13):
don't know whether they suspect a hostile power or what.
That's not my job at any rate. I've been given
the responsibility of instituting certain security techniques. You do, after all, sir,
have access to and knowledge of considerable classified information. The
lad reminded him somewhat of his old friend and colleague,
doctor Fincher out in California. Wally Fincher was a well
(03:35):
known physicist. Now, though how anyone ever managed to struggle
through his dry, ponderous books, Dane didn't know. Probably he
had gained most of his fame through his part in
those experiments where they bounced radar blips off the moon.
Dane thought, whilely always talked in long, unnecessary words. He
never merely went when he could proceed. He never simply
(03:58):
used when it was possible to utilize. He didn't get
things done, he implemented them. Professor Dane made a mental
note to put in a long distance call to Wally
that evening and tweak his nose a bit. Maybe Dane
could pretend he was the FBI disguise his voice and
interrogate Wally as though he were investigating him. He chuckled
(04:19):
a little at the idea. Then he realized that the
young man had been talking and he hadn't been listening. So,
among other things, sir, we thought it best to monitor
your official mail and hope you won't mind, what said Dane,
raising his eyebrows. And your phone, you'll hear a couple
of clicks whenever you use it. Were recording what's said
over it, though I assure you all records obtained will
(04:39):
be kept in strictest confidence. Dane acquiesced. The young man
finally managed to make it clear that all this surveillance
would have to be done with Dane's permission, and the
professor annoyed. Though he was didn't want to appear uncooperative,
he couldn't resist, however, giving the young man the wrong
hat when he went out, and being delighted when the
young man came back for the right one five minutes later.
(05:00):
He was glad to see that something could fluster him,
but that wasn't really enough. Professor Dane had been annoyed,
and he needed to express himself further by means of
the joke, which was his art in order to regain
some measure of his equilibrium and self respect. Inspiration visited
him as he was climbing the stairs to his bedroom
at ten thirty that evening. He stopped short, thought a minute,
(05:21):
then began to chuckle. He turned and went downstairs again,
stepped to the phone. Professor Dane lived alone, and no
one else would be able to share his planned joke,
but this didn't matter. He had been privately enjoying his
pranks ever since as a frail boy with an unreasonable
and dominating male parent. He had discovered that they were
one way in which he could compete with heartier souls,
(05:42):
at times even surpassed them. Never Mind the audience, he
thought the jest was the thing. It was an hour
earlier in Los Angeles, and doctor Wallace Fincher was at home.
Dane disguised his voice. He did a lot of university
theater work, and this kind of thing came to him easily.
He listened for to doctor Fincher's arid, humorless Hello, doctor
(06:04):
Fincher speaking. Then he heard the preliminary clicking, just as
the FBI man had predicted. Thandor said Professor Dane, this
is Klon calling. I beg your pardon, said doctor Fincher.
The jig's up, said Professor Dane. Captain Lixel in Propyl
Cruiser nine nine seventy three will never be able to
break through. The Earthlings have set up a close watch.
(06:26):
They're suspicious. Who is this? Doctor Fincher sounded startled. Who
the devil is calling? Dane could barely keep his laughter
from breaking into his voice. Thandor we can come to
no conclusion but that the terrestrials are definitely hostile. We
should have expected that from their primitive stage of development.
They have orders to shoot any of our propyl cruisers
(06:47):
they can catch. I suggest that we withdraw all ships
of the Franistan class immediately from their free orbits and
send them on a standard Caplerian course to the home
planet for further consultation. Is this some kind of joke?
Flincher sounded as if he were almost panicky. Furthermore, said Dane,
I recommend that we withdraw all agents from Earth. We
(07:08):
can't conceal our superior mental development and advanced technology much longer.
Someone's bound to catch on pretty soon. I was against
this plan and the galactic council in the first place,
you'll remember well, farewell, fandor I'll be seeing you soon
in space. And Professor Dane hung up before he exploded
with laughter. He laughed until the tears came to his eyes.
(07:28):
He held his stomach with both hands. He was weak.
He supported himself on the stair railing, and four minutes
was unable to take the first tread. With his lively
scientist's imagination, he could picture the completely bewildered look on
the young FBI man's face when he listened to this
conversation on the tape recorder or whatever it was they used.
He was certainly going to have to try and get
(07:49):
that recording from them play it back for Fincher some time.
Lordy Fincher would have apoplexy every time he heard it. He
finally gained enough strength to climb the stairs. He went
into his bedroom, still chuckling weakly, still wiping the tears
from his eyes, stomach muscles still aching, Doctor Wallace Fincher
stood there by his bed. It was Fincher, the same stocky,
(08:11):
round faced man with the steel rimmed glasses. He had
always known. It was either Fincher or the damnedest hallucination
he had ever. I'm sorry, Lyman, said doctor Fincher in
a kindly but impersonal voice. You were getting a trifle
too close. I'm afraid you have left me no choice.
He pointed a little silvery tube at Professor Dane, and
there was a soft buzzing and the smell of ozone,
(08:33):
and Professor Dane was no longer in the room or
anywhere else. Doctor Fincher sighed, adjusted his glasses, and faded
into the dimension that would take him back to Los
Angeles and his interrupted work. And of this is klon
Calling by Walt Sheldon
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