05 - Selected Short Stories - By Advice of Counsel

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter five of The Man Upstairs and Other Stories. This
is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
LibriVox dot org. Recording by Mike Harris. The Man Upstairs
by P. G. Woodhouse, Chapter five. By advice of counsel,

(00:24):
the traveler champed meditatively at his stake. He paid no
attention to the altercation which was in progress between the
waiter and the man at the other end of the
dingy room. The sounds of strife ceased, and the waiter
came over to the traveler's table and stood behind his chair.
The waiter was ruffled. If he meant lamb, he said, queriously.
Why didn't he say lamb? Says a fellow? Could hear him?

(00:47):
I thought he said amb So I brought him ham.
Now Lord Percy gets all peevish, he laughed bitterly. The
traveler made no reply. If people spoke distinct, said the waiter,
there wouldn't be half the trouble lies in a world.
Half the trouble there wouldn't be. I shouldn't be here
for one thing in this restaurant. I mean a sigh

(01:10):
escaped him. I shouldn't, he said, And that's the truth.
I should be gettin up when I pleased eating and
drinkin' all I wanted, and carrying around some ass in
the good old days. You wouldn't think to look at me,
would you? Now? That I was once like the lily
of the field. The waiter was a tall, stringy man
who gave the impression of having no spine in that

(01:30):
heat drooped. He might have been said to resemble a flower,
but in no other respect. He had sandy hair, weak
eyes set close together, in a day's growth of red
stubble on his chin. One could not see him in
the lily class. All I mean to say is I
didn't toil. Neither did I spin. Ah, it was the

(01:52):
happy days, lying on the back, plenty of tobacco, something
cool in a jog, He sighed once more. Did you
ever know my ane of the name of Moore? Jerry Moore?
The traveler replied himself to his stake in silence. Nice fella,
simple sort of fella, big quiet bit deaf in one
ear straw colored air, blue eyes and some rather and

(02:15):
as just outside a ryegate as it still money of
his own left him by his pop. Simple sort of fellow,
not much to say for himself. I used to know
him well in them days. He used to live with him.
Nice fella. He was big, bit, harder earring, got a
sleepy kind of grin, you know, like this or something.
The traveler sipped his beer in thoughtful silence. I reckon,

(02:36):
you never met him, said the waiter. Maybe you never
knew gentleman Bailey either. We always call him. Then he
was one of those breaking down eating their arror fellas
folks said. We struck up a partnership, kind of casual,
both being on the trap together. And after a while
we happened to be round about Ryegate, and the first
house we come to was this Jerry Moore's. He come

(02:58):
up just as we were sliding to the back door
and grinned that sleepy grain light like this or something. Hello,
he said, gentleman kind of gives oop and hollis if
it a pile, pal Jerry Moore Jack, He says to me,
this is me, old pal, mister Jerry Moore, when I
met in happier days down at Ramsgate one summer. They

(03:19):
shake hands and Jerry Moore says, is this a friend
of yours. Bailey looking at me, gentlemen, introduces me. We
are partners, he says, partners in misfortune. This is my friend,
mister Roach. Oh, come along in, says Jerry. So we
went on in and he makes us at home. He's
a bachelor and lives all by himself in this desirable house. Well,

(03:39):
I've seen pretty quick that Jerry thinks the world of
gentlemen all that evening in his acting. If he pleased
as punch to have him there, couldn't do enough for him.
It was a bit of a bit of all right,
I said to himself. It was too Next day, we
gets up late and has a good breakfast, sits on
the lawn smokes. The sun was shining, the little bears
were singing, and there wasn't a thing west, north or

(04:00):
south that looked like work. If I'd been asked my
dress at that moment on oath, I couldn't have hesitated
a second. I should have answered number one, easy Street.
You see, Jerry Moore was one of these slow, simple fellers,
and he could tell in a moment what a lot
he thought of gentlemen. Gentlemen, you see, had away with him,
not walty he wasn't more affable, I should call it.

(04:23):
He sort of made you feel that all men are
born equal, but that it was awful good of him
to be talking to you, and that he wouldn't do
it for everybody. It went down proper with Jerry Moore.
Jerry would sit and listen to him, given his views
on things by the hour. Ah, by the end of
the first day, I was having visions of sitting in
that garden, a white baked old man, and being laid

(04:47):
out when my time should come. In Jerry's front room,
he paused his mind, evidently in the past, among the
cigars and big breakfasts. Presently he took up his tail.
You see, Jerry Moore was a simple sort of fellow.
Deafy's are like the ever noticed. Not that Jerry was
a real deafy. His hearing was a bit off, but
he could follow you if you spoke to him nice

(05:09):
and clear. Well, I was saying, he was kind of simple,
like to put in his days, pottering about the little
garden he'd made for himself, looking after his flowers and
his fowls, and sitting of an evening listening to gentlemen
holding forth on life. He was a philosopher. Gentleman was,
and Jerry took everything he said as gospel. Didn't want
no proofs. He and the King of Denmark would have

(05:30):
been great perils. He just sat by with his big
blue eyes getting round her every minute, and lapped it up.
Now you'd think a man like that could be counted on,
wouldn't you? Would he want anything more? Not he, you'd say, well,
you'd be wrong. Believe me, there isn't a man on
earth that's fixed and contented. But once a woman can't
knock his old paradise into ash with one punch, it

(05:53):
wasn't long before I begin to notice a change in Jerry.
He never had been what you'd call a champion catcher's
catch can talker, But now he was silenter than ever,
And he got a habit of switching gentlemen off from
his theories of life in general to woman in particular.
Now the suited gentlemen just right. What he didn't know
about woman wasn't knowledge. Gentleman was too busy talking to

(06:16):
have time to get suspisies. But I wasn't an One
day I draws gentlemen aside and puts it to him
straight gentlemen, I says, Jerry Moore is in love. Well,
this was a nasty nark, of course, for gentlemen. He
knew as well as I did what it would mean
if Jerry was to lead home a blushing bride through
that front door. It would be outside into the cold,

(06:38):
hard work for the bachelor friends. Gentlemen sees that quick
in his jaw drops. I goes on all the time.
I said that you're talking away of an evening, Jerry
seeing visions of a little woman sitting in your chair,
and you can bet you don't enter into them visions.
He may dream a little feet pattern about the house,
I says, but they are ours, and you can have

(06:59):
something on that both ways. Look alive, gentlemen, I says,
and think out some plan, and we might as well
be padding the hoof right now. Well, gentlemen did what
he could. In his evening discourses. He started to give
it to woman all he knew. Began to talk about
Delilah's and Jezebels and fools there was and the rest
of it, and what a mug a feller was to

(07:21):
let a female into his cozy house. That'd only make
him spend his day so can he rop and his
knights wondering how to get back the blankets without waking
her my he was crisp enough to have given Romeo
the jumps. He'd the thought, but lord, it's no good
talking to them when they've had it bad. A few
days later we caught him with the Goods talking in

(07:41):
the road to a girl in a pink dress. I
couldn't but admit that Jerry hat picked one right from
the top of the basket. This wasn't one of them
languishing sort of what sits about in cozy corners and
read story books and don't care what's happening in the home,
so long as they find out what became of the
hero in his duel with the Good Duke. She was

(08:02):
a brown, slim, wiry looking little thing. You know. You
held it chin up and looked you up and down
with eyes the color of Scotch whiskey, as much as
to say, well what about it, goodtilla without looking at her,
just by the feel of the atmosphere, and she was
near that. She had as much snap and going her
as Jerry Moore hadn't. She was a good bit, I knew,

(08:22):
just as sure as I was standing there on one
leg that this was the sort of girl who would
have me and gentlemen out of that house. About three
seconds after the clergyman had tied the knot, Jerry says,
these are my friends, Miss Tuxton, mister Bailey and mister Roach.
They're staying with me for a visit. This is miss
Jane Tuxton, he says to me. I was just going

(08:46):
to see Miss Tuxton home, he says, sort of wistful. Excellent,
says gentlemen, we'll come too, and we all goes along.
There wasn't much done in the way of conversation. Jerry
never was one for pushing out the words, nor was
I in the presence of the sext and Miss Jane
had her chin in the air as if she thought
me and gentlemen was not needed in any way whatsoever.

(09:08):
The only talk before we turned her in at the
garden gate was done by a gentleman who told a
pretty long story about a friend of his in Upper
Sydonym that'd been silly enough to marry and had trouble
ever since. That night. After we went to bed, I sented, gentlemen. Gentlemen,
I said, what's going to be done about this? We've
got about as much chance if Jerry man as that girl,
I says, as a couple of helpless chocolate creams at

(09:31):
a school girl's picnic. If, says gentleman, he ain't married
at her yet. That's girl of character, Jack, trust me.
Didn't she strike he as a girl who'd like a
man with a bit of a devil in him, a
man with some go in him, A you be darned
kind of man? Well? Does is Jerry, Philip Bill. He's
more like a doormat with welcome written on it than
anything else. Now we've seen a good deal of miss

(09:54):
Jane in the next week or so. We kept Jerry
under what's it? The heroine says in the melodrama, Oh cruel, cruel,
s b something, Oh espionage, that's it. So he keeps
Jerry under espionage. And whenever he goes trickling round after
the girl and we goes trickling round after him, things
is runnin our way, says gentlemen to me after one

(10:16):
of these meetings. That girl's gettin cross with Jerry. She
wants reckless Rudolph, not a man who stands and grins
when other men butt in on him and his girl.
Mark my words, Jacks, she'll get tired of Jerry and
go off and marry a soldier and we'll live happy
ever after. Think so, sir, all sure of it, says gentlemen. Well,
it was the Sunday after this that Jerry Moore announces

(10:37):
to us wriggling that he had an engagement to take
supper with Jane and her folks. He'd have liked to
have slipped away secret, but we was keeping him under
espionage too crisp for that, so he has to tell
us why. Excellent, said gentlemen. It'll be a great treat
to Jack and myself to meet the family. We'll go
along with you, So off we all goes and pushes
our boots in sociable fashion under the Tuxton table. I

(11:00):
looked at miss Jane out of the corner of my eye,
and honest that chin of hers was sticking out of foot,
and Jerry didn't dare look at her love's young dream.
I'm used to myself, how swift it fade that a
man has the nature and disposition of a lop eared rabbit.
The Tuxtans was four in number, not counting the parrot,
and all male. There was pa tuxtan, an old fellow

(11:22):
with a beard and glasses, a fat uncle, a big
brother who worked in a bank and was dressed like
Moses in all his glory, and a little brother with
a snub nose that cheeky. You'd have been surprised. Oh,
and the parrot in its cage, and a fat yellow dog.
And they're all making themselves pleasant to Jerry, the wealthy
future son in law. Something awful. It's ower of fowls,

(11:45):
mister Moore, and a little bit of this pie, mister Moore.
Jane made it, and Jerry sitting there with a feeble grin,
saying yes and no and nothing much more. While Miss
Jane's eyes are snapping like fifth in November fireworks. I
could feel Jerry's chances going back a mile a minute.
I felt as happy as a little child that evening.
I sang, gone back home. Gentlemen's please too, Jack, he

(12:08):
says to me, when we're in bed, this is too easy.
In my most sanguinary dreams, I hardly hope for this.
No girl of spirits going to love a man who
behaves that way to her parents. The way to win
the heart of a certain type of girl, he said,
beginning on his theories, the type to which Jane Tuxton
belongs is to be rude to her family. I've got
Jane Tuxton sized up and labeled her kind. Wants her

(12:31):
folks to dislike a young man. She wants to feel
that she's the only one in the family who's got
the sense to see the hidden good in Willie. She
doesn't want to be one of a crowd hollerin out
what a nice young man he is. It takes some
pluckin' a man to stand up to a girl's family,
and that's what Jane Tuxton is looking for in Jerry.
Take it from one who has studied the sect says gentlemen.

(12:52):
From JOHNI groats to lands and and back again. Well,
next day Jerry Moore is looking as if he'd only
sixpence in the world. And it's what's the matter, Jerry, says, gentlemen.
Jerry heaves a sigh. Mainly, he says, And you, mister Roach,
I expect you both seen how it is with me.
I love miss Jane Tuxton, and you've seen for yourself
what transpires. She don't value me not tuppence, say not so,

(13:17):
says gentlemen. Sympathetic. You're doin fine. If you knew the
sect as I do, you wouldn't go by mere superficial
silences in chin tiltings. I can read a girl's heart, Jerry,
he says, patting them on the shoulder. And I'll tell
you you're doin fine. All you want now is a little
rapid working. You win easy to make the thing a sert,
he says, gettin up. All you have to do is
make a dead set at her folks. He winks at me.

(13:40):
Don't just sit there like you did last night. Show
'em you've got something in yem. You know what folks are?
They think themselves the most important things on the map. Well,
go to work, insult them all, you know, every opportunity
you get. There's nothing like consulting a girl's folks to
put you in a good with her. And he pats
Jerry on the shoulder again and goes indoors to hind
his pipe. Jerry turns to me, that's really so, he said,

(14:05):
I say, I do. He knows all about girls. I reckon,
says Jerry. You can go by him every time, I says, well, well, well,
says Jerry, thoughtful. The waiter paused. His eyes was sad
and dreamy. Then he took up the burden of his tail.
The first thing that happens is that gentleman has a
sore tooth on the next Sunday, so don't feel like
coming along with us. He sits at home dosing it

(14:27):
with whiskey, and Jerry and Me goes off alone. So
Jerry and me pikes off, and once more we prepares
to settle down round the board. I hadn't noticed Jerry particular,
but just now I catch you sight of his face
in the light of the lamp. Ever see one of
those fighters when he's sitting in his corner before a fight,
waiting for the gong to go. Well, Jerry looks just
like that, and it surprises me. I told you about

(14:50):
the fat yellow dog that permeated the Tuxton's house, did
not The family thought a lot of that dog. Thought
of all the ugly brutes I ever met, he was
the worst, sniffing round and growling all the time. Well,
this evening he comes up to Jerry just as he's
going to sit down and starts to growl. Old Pa
Tuxton looks over his glasses and licks his tongue rova rov,

(15:10):
he says, kind of mild, naughty rover. He don't like strangers.
I'm afraid. Jerry looks at Pa Tuxton and he looks
at the dog, and I'm just expecting to say no, yes,
same as the other night. When he lets out a
nasty laugh, one of them bitter laughs. Huh, he says,
oh don't he And perhaps he'd better get farther away
from them, and he ups with his boot and where

(15:33):
the door, get the far wall. Jerry sits down and
pulls up hiss chair. I don't approve, he said, fierce
of folks keeping great, big, ugly, bad tempered yellow dogs
that are renuisanced all. I don't like it. There was
a silence you could have scooped out with a spoon.
Have you ever had a rabbit turn round on you
and growl? That's how we all felt when Jerry outs

(15:54):
with them crisp words. They took our breath away. While
we were getting it back again, the parrot, which was
in its cage, let out a squawk. Honest, I jumped
a foot in my chair. Jerry gets up, very deliberate
and walks over to the parrot. Is this a menagerie,
He says, can't a man have supper and peace without
an image like you? Start in the holler, go to sleep.

(16:18):
He was all staring at him, surprised, especially Uncle Dick Tuxton,
whose particular pet the parrot was. He'd brought him home
all the way from some foreign parts. Hello, Billy, said
the birds, shrugging his shoulders and buffing himself up. Up,
Hello Billy, Lo lo lo ro wah. Jerry gives its
cage a bang. Don't talk back to me, he says,

(16:40):
or I'll knock your head off. You think because you've
got green tail you're someone. Then he stalks back to
his chair and sits glaring at Uncle Dick. Well this
wasn't what you might call promoting an easy flow of conversation.
Everyone's looking at Jerry, especially me, wondering what next and
trying to get their breath, and Jerry's frowning at the
cold beef, and there's a sort of awkward pause. Miss

(17:02):
Jane is the first to get busy. She bustles about
and gets the food served out, and we begins to eat.
But still there's not so much conversation that you'd notice it.
This goes on till we reaches the concluding stages, and
then Uncle Dick comes up to the scratch. How's the fowls,
mister Moore, he says, gimme some more pie, says Jerry.
What Uncle Dick repeats his remark fowls, says Jerry, what

(17:27):
do you know about fowls? The notion of a fowl
is an ugly bird with a green tail. Of Wellington knowsing,
give me a bit of cheese. Uncle Dick's fond of
the parrot, so he speaks up for him. Polly's always
been reckoned. A handsome bird, is it? He wants stuffing,
says Jerry, and Uncle Dick drops out of the talk.

(17:47):
Up comes big brother Ralph. His name was He's the
bank clerk and a dude. He gives his cuffs a
flick and starts in to make things jolly all round
by telling a story about a man he knows named
waver Spoon. Jenny fixes him with his eye, and halfway
through he interrupts. That wistcoat of yours is fierce, he says,
and Bardin says Ralph. That whistcoat of yours, says Jerry.

(18:09):
It hurts my eyes. It's like an electric sign Why Jerry,
I said, But he just scowls at me and I stopped.
Ralph is proud of his clothes and he isn't going
to stand this. He glares at Jerry, and Jenny glares
at him. Who do you think you are? Said Ralph,
breathing hard. Button up your coat, says Jerry. Look here,

(18:30):
says Ralph. Cover it up, I tell you, says Jerry.
Do you want to blind me? Pa Tuxton interrupts, why
mister Moore? He begins sort of soothing when the small
brother who's been staring at Jerry chips in, I told
you he was cheeky, he says, Pa, what a funny knows?
Mister Moore's God? And then did it? Jerry rises very

(18:52):
slow and leans across the table and clips the kid
brother one side of the earrow. And then there's a
general in broglio. Everyone's standing up in the kid dollar
and the dog Barkin. If you'd blot him up better,
said Jerry severe to Pa Tuxton, this would never have happened.
Pa Tuxton gives a sort of howl. Mister Moore, he yells,

(19:12):
what is the meaning of this extraordinary behavior? You come
here and strike me child, Jerry bangs on the table. Yes,
he says, and I'd strike him again. Listen to me,
You'll think, just because I'm quiet, I ain't got no spirit.
You think all I can do is sit and smile.
You think, Bah, you aren't on to the hidden depths
of me character. I'm one of them still waters that

(19:32):
runs deep. I'm here. You get out of it, Yes,
all of you except Jane. Jane in me wants this
room to have a private talk in. I've got a
lot of things to say to Jane. Are you going?
I turns to the crowd. I was awful disturbed. You
mustn't take any notice, I says. He ain't well, he
ain't himself. When just then the parrot cuts with another
of them squawks. Jerry jumps at it. You fast, he says,

(19:56):
and flings the cage out of the window. Now you,
he said to the yellow dog, putting him out through
the door. And then he folds his arms and scowls
at us, and we all notice suddenly that he's very big.
We look at one another, and we begins to edge
towards the door, all except Jane, who's staring at Jerry
as if he's a ghost. Mister Moore, said Pa Tuxton, dignified.

(20:18):
We'll leave you. You're drunk. I'm not drunk, says Jerry. I'm
in love, Jane says Pa Tuxton. Come with me and
leave this ruffian to himself. Jane says, Jerry, stop here
and come and lay your head on my shoulder. Jane's
says Pa Tuxton. Do you hear me? Jane says Jerry,

(20:38):
I'm waiting. She looks from one to the other for
a spell, and she moves to where Jerry's standing. I'll stop,
she says, sort of quiet, and we drifts out. The
waiters snorted. I got back home as quick as I could,
and relates the proceedings to gentlemen. Gentlemen's rattled. I don't
believe it, he says. Don't stand there and tell me
Jerry Moore did them things? Why it ain't in the man,

(21:01):
especially after what I said to him about the way
he ought to behave. How could he have done so?
Just then in comes Jerry, beaming all over boys. He shouts,
congratulates me. It's all right, we've fixed it up. She
says she hadn't known me properly before. She says she'd
always reckoned me a sheep, But all the time I
was one of them strong, silent men. He turns to gentlemen.

(21:24):
The man at the other end of the room was
calling for his bill. All right, all right, said the waiter. Coming.
He turns to gentlemen. He went on rapidly, and he says, Bailey,
I owe all to you, because if you hadn't told
me to insult her folks. He leaned on the traveler's
table and fixed him with an eye that pleaded for sympathy.
How about that, he said, isn't that crisp? Insult her folks?

(21:45):
Then was his very words? Insult her folks? The traveler
looked at him, inquiringly. Can you beat it? Said the waiter.
I don't know what you're saying, said the traveler. If
it is important, write it on a slip of paper.
I am Stone Death. End of chapter five by advice
of counsel. Recording by Mike Harris,