A 'Girls, Girl' With Boundaries

This topic has been on my mind for a minute now, so today is the day I'm unpacking it. Triggers to the side so you have room to open up your mind... and enjoy! XO

For all of my books, workbooks, and coaching programs click here: SisGetYourIshTogether

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So I think I would like to have a long
overdue talk conversation about what it means to be a
girls girl. Okay, it's long overdue. If you're new here,
high welcome. OG's here. I know what time it is.
My name is cc B. Most people just call me B.
I am forty years young. Thank you for very much.

(00:22):
I've been through some shit. I also put myself through
some shit, and now I use the shit that I've
been through and also put myself through to help other
women through the shit that they're going through. Right now,
that's it, that's it, a nutshell. I am not for
the easily offended or easily triggered. That's okay. That's your
warning right there, all right. So if you were sensitive

(00:42):
to honesty, this is not the place for you to be.
I don't sugar close shit for myself, so I'm not
doing it for anybody else. So that's the story of
that's the glory of be Anyways, I want to have
this conversation because it's good to our fuck there is
now to be quite honest, right, I've been wanting to

(01:02):
touch on this for a while now. But the argument
or hate train rather that I saw recently on TikTok.
Really just threw me over the edge, and I'm like,
you know what, it's time on this conversation. Long story short,
there must have been this girl who made a video
about how she was out in a boat, and she

(01:25):
must have saw another girl wearing a pair of boots
that she loved. Right, I think it was cowboy boots,
but no, no, it some about some boots. So she
must have struck up a conversation with the girl to ask,
you know where the booths are from? Now, from what
I understand, and I could be a little wrong in
this part, so forgive me if I don't have all
the pieces of the puzzle. But from what I understand,

(01:46):
the girl with the boots now, she basically was like, yeah,
I'd rather not say, right, I'd rather not say or
I got them. And she must have explained that she
likes being like an individual and she prefers to buy
peace us that not everyone else is wearing. Now, the

(02:06):
girl who asked the question to the boots girl, right
got offended because of course it's twenty twenty five and
everything is offensive nowadays, right, So she must have took
a picture of the girl's boots and her and the
girl as she walked away, and then she hopped on
TikTok and made a whole situation about the thing with

(02:27):
the boots. And of course this is one of the
reasons why TikTok, this is me have to be honest.
And of course the fucking TikTok mob squad did what
they do best, and they must have found the girl,
the boots girl. It must have found her pH and
whatever the case may be, and started to dog pile
on her about not being a girl's girl. Right. The
argument was basically, you know, why couldn't she just tell

(02:49):
the other girl where she got her boots from? It's
not that deep. Why does she have to gate keep
blah blah blah blah blah, And here's my thing. And
this is why the reasons why I continue to stand
ten toes down on the hypocrisy that lives inside so

(03:10):
many women. Right when I talk about this, right, women
get offended, women get upset. But I'm gonna need people
to really just come outside of their triggers, you know,
take a sip of water, right or juice box or
whatever the keys may be, and really just just just

(03:30):
just look around you and even inside of you for
some of y'all listening. Right, whenever we talk about men
and dating, right, women as a collective stand by the
men are not entitled to us creed right, men are
not entitled to us. We don't owe men anything. Blah
blah blah blah blah. Right, a man asks you to smile,

(03:53):
we hop on the internet and we flip the fuck out.
We don't owe you I smile. Right. A man asks
for our phone number and we say no, or we
still no, thank you, or whatever the case may be. Right,
and if he persists, we hop on the internet and
we yell. When a woman sets up boundary, that should
be the end of the discussion. But yet, when another

(04:15):
woman sets a boundary with another woman, right, oh my gosh,
here comes the dog. Hold on, please, one thing about Bentley.
As soon as he hears me talking a little bit,
he's like, oh, it's time to get up and be
your co host. Simmer down. Anyways, when a woman sets
a boundary with another woman, suddenly she's not a girl's

(04:35):
girl because you didn't get what you wanted from her.
This is how it always goes down. Right, another woman
sets a boundary with another woman and all of a sudden,
she's this, and she's that, and she's she's all the
she's all the things, she's everything, but a motherfucking child. God. Okay,

(04:59):
let me tell you. Look. Could the girl who with
the boots, could the boots girl told the next girl
where she got them from? Sure? Sure, sure, sure? But
does she have to? No? No, she doesn't. Right, let
me tell you. I have an amethyst ring and I
wear it all the time. I got it years ago,

(05:23):
and I searched high and low for the exact ring
that I wanted, right, and it is sacred for me
to me for personal reasons. Okay, I'm very particular with
my jewelry, very very very particular with my jewelry. So

(05:43):
there was a period of time when I was doing
ig lives a lot, a lot, a lot, and people
would always ask me where I got everything from. But
people would always ask me where I got my ring
in particular. Right, I talk with my hands, so like
any piece of jewelry that saw me, you're going to
see it, and I would simply say jewelry in my area. Right.
So one day there was a young lady who in

(06:04):
my life, who is who is persistent and she had
asked me the question, and me, for the most part,
I remember you also use your names, right, because we
have genuine discord in our in my in my in
my ig lives. So a lot of times, if you've
you know, and interacted with me enough, I'll remember you
use your name and your your your profile picture the
most part anyways, So she must have asked me. She

(06:28):
was persistent, and she was like, you know, I know
you said already whatever you care saying, being that you
don't share you but I really would love to know
where you got here. I'm at this ring and I
have to say, like plain and suvel, I don't share
where I got where I get my jewelry from. Let's
stand up story. You know, that's that's that's that's stand
of the story, right, Like I I don't share where

(06:48):
I get my jewelry from. Right. So the thing is
in this and you know this is this is not
a thing to her, and this is not an attacker.
I'm just justly relaying the part of the story to
tie into what I'm saying. The thing is is that
I'm allowed to set that boundary. Just like the boots girl.
I don't particularly like looking like everybody else, I really don't.

(07:12):
I don't follow trends for the most part, aside from
like maybe the one who I can't even think of
something that I I don't know, right, But I don't
particularly follow trends. I've never been like that, never been
like that, right. I don't shop at places like Fashion
Nova or Shian or anywhere trendy. Right. I also don't
shop in those places, to be very clear, because I

(07:35):
like fabrics that last and that feel luxurious on my skin. Okay,
I'm very sensitive with my skin and I don't like
no daga daga tings on my skin. Okay, I just don't.
So I will not shop at these places for that
and because I don't want to look like everybody else.

(07:55):
So these two things are you know, and I don't
care to me says the material is cheap. It's cheap,
it looks anyways, right, So I don't shop at those places.
And even me saying this right now, right in today's
day and age, is very risky because somebody who's listening
right now, who shops at those places, there's always somebod

(08:15):
who's bound to feel some type of way. Oh, so
what you're trying to say that I look cheap. No,
that's not what I said. What you're trying to say
that I can't dad, No, that's that's not what I said.
What I said was I me, the individual speaking about herself,
does not like to shop at these places for XX reasons. Right,

(08:37):
that's what I said about myself. But we live in
a day and age where everybody in turn, God forbid,
somebody doesn't like something for THEMS. I could say. I
could say, you know what I don't like to wear.
I could say I only like to wear black because
I feel like black is very classic and you know,
from whatever you wear in black, it look good, right,

(08:59):
That's how I feel. I feel like anything I wear
in black, I look nice, sweet, fantastic physically, right Like
that's you know. And somebody could come along and be like, so,
what you're saying is people who wear polka dots, well
I like to wear polka dots and and that I
look fat when I wear them. What. No, No, that's

(09:19):
not what I That's not what I said. I don't know.
I didn't understand, right, like this is this is where
we're living now? Or oh, you know you're trying to
shit on people who wear Fashion Nova and she and
maybe that's all they can afford. Good for you, brigim.
And it's saying nothing about your pockets, like but didn't
say I'm not tying about your pockets or about whatever
the case. Maybe I'm talking about myself here, right, And

(09:43):
it's wild because I'll be talking about what I don't
like for myself, not saying is bad for anybody else anyways.
But I digress, Let me, let me, I digress. So
when it comes to jewelry specifically, I'm very very intentional
with my pieces, and they all have a special meaning
to me, me me, right, Aside from my return to

(10:08):
Tiffany's gold bracelet that I wear all the all the time,
every other piece of jewelry that I owned, for the
most part has either been like very very well curate,
like very well searched for researched, you know, or made
for me specifically, right, my return to Tiffany's bracelet, that's

(10:30):
like a this is probably the only one off bracelet
like I'll never get, like a it's probably only the
one off bracelet that I'll get. That's like a what's
the word I'm looking for? Name brand? I don't know
what the word I'm looking for? Right, But you know,
mass whatever the case. Right, And the reason why I
have this bracelet in the first place is because it

(10:52):
was a giffer to myself. It was something that I
said when I made it as an author. I always
always wanted a Tiffany's bracelet from time I was you know,
I always wanted to return a bit of Tiffany's bracelet
gold one. And so the story behind this, I'll just
give you a little backstory because it's okay. I said
to myself when I when I make it as an author,

(11:16):
I'm going to give myself this bracelet, right, this return
to Tiffany's bracelet, charm bracelet. And I did, right, I
made it as author. Da da da da da, And
it was a gift to myself, right to it was
a gift to myself. No, it was a gift to

(11:38):
nineteen year old b from me. That's you know what
it was. So anyways, so there's that, right. So aside
from from the Tiffany's bracelet, I'm not going to share
where I get my jewelry from because they weren't meant
for everybody else in the first place. Period. Stop. I'm

(12:01):
not going to share where I got my jewelry from
because they weren't meant for everybody else in the first place.
They were meant for me. And that does not make
me not a girl's girl. It makes me a woman
who has autonomy over herself and is allowed to not
want to share every single thing I do or every
single thing I buy myself. I have that right, and

(12:24):
so does every other woman who exists on this planet.
She has that right to be like Na, this is
this is for me right. And the thing about this
girl's girl in bullshit thing, it doesn't just stop at
you know, sharing every little bit right. If a woman
isn't saying what you want to hear, it's all she's

(12:45):
not a girl's girl. If a woman doesn't want to
share every single waking moment of her life, down to
every single thing she's wearing in a video, down to
where she got s ghet, her bra from her pantidam,
her sock, Gucci, down to it's not like wo does
she biggie small? Like you know, she's not a girl's girl.
God forbid. A woman offers advice that goes against high

(13:07):
school mentality that a lot of women never left behind. Okay,
she's she's definitely not a girl's girl. And if a
woman says something honest, this is this is the one.
If a woman says something honest but very helpful about
your dating life or how you're moving through dating, or
how you're moving with these men, or whatever the case
may be, and it hits a nerve, if it triggers
you in any type of way, if if it's if

(13:29):
it sits on your ego, oh that's it. We're gonna
burn this shit down to ground. She's not a girls girl.
And then to add to it, right, we're living in
a time where women will get on social media and
drag her for filth and get other women to dogpile
onto her. Listen, I say this all the time, and
I'm gonna say it again, and I'm gonna stand on it.
And this is the reason why that I say it.

(13:51):
A lot of women are literally no different than the
men that they complain about all day long. And it's
wild to me at this point that they can't see it.
It's wild to me at this point that they can't
see it. Entitled throwing temper tantrums. Don't respect other other
people's boundaries, Other women's boundaries, right, So many women will
come in nice and sweet and from they don't get

(14:14):
what they want from you, it's they're spiraling, they're glitching,
and they're going out of your their way now to
make your life a living hell. It's it's it's not okay,
it's insane. It's it's sad. Actually, it's sad, right, No
different than a man who comes in and he's nice
and sweet, fantastic, he's all you know, he's kind, da

(14:35):
da da da da da. And then the minute that
he doesn't get what he wants from you, now you
know you're a bitch. You're this, you're that, You're the
da da da da da, and you're like, what the
fuck what just happened? A lot of women move the
exact same way. And I sit on a seat where
I see it all the time. I experience it in

(14:57):
real life. I see women do it all the time,
other women, I say, all the time, and it's it's
it's it's it's sad. Like like I'm using these words
like insane and wild, but what it really boils down
to is it it's very disheartening. You know, A true

(15:20):
girl's girl wants to see other women win and has
boundaries and doesn't have to bend them for anyone, including you,
another woman. These things can and do exist at the
same time, same time, running in unison at the same time. Right.

(15:45):
This whole thing, to me is just another reminder that
a lot of women only support boundaries when they're the
ones who can benefit from them. Right we preach no
means no until they're the ones on the receiving end
of that No. Then suddenly it's a problem. Suddenly you're
not a girl's girl, Suddenly you're a bitch, Suddenly you're

(16:07):
all of these things that you're not right, all because
you didn't make yourself small enough to fit inside of
their expectations, All because you didn't bend and twist yourself
to meet their demands or their what they want to
be a how they want to be accommodated. No, man, no, no,

(16:30):
we have to check that inside of ourselves as women,
We have to check that about ourselves. Right to sit
with yourself and be like, dang, have I become the
very men that I complain about all the time? Yes, yes,
For a lot of women, the answer is yes, And
then start working on that because it's not okay, and
it's so it feels like such a slap in the face, right,

(16:52):
it's such a betrayal. The word I want to use
here maybe is unsafe. The word I want to use
here maybe right. It kind of puts you in it
once you are aware of what's going on and you
are looking. I always like to use the analogy of
mean girls when Regina's standing on top of not to

(17:12):
say that you're Regina Doors, but just standing on the
ledge after she threw all the papers and everybody's running
in the hallways screaming, fighting each other, da da da,
and she's just kind of standing there. That's what it
feels like, in the sense where once you become aware
of just how many people women too, are moving this way,

(17:36):
you're kind of just there on the standing there, looking
like what the fuck is going on? Right? And okay,
so yeah, I think I'm better off alone, like I
don't know, you know, it does feel like betrayal. It
does feel especially when you're somebody who you're always your

(18:02):
your default is to fix another one air quotes here, right,
fix another woman's crown, right. But then the reaction you're
getting is, well, no, that's not that's not it, And
it's like, what like if you're walking outside of the bathroom,
we're in the club, let's just say we're in the club, right,

(18:23):
or we're in a restaurant, whatever, and you're leaving the
bathroom and your dress is tucked into your pantehos, I'm
going to stop you be like a come, come, come, come,
come right your dress is tucked into your pantehos. Girl, right,
oh my gosh, so old, thank you so much for
no problem whatever the case of me. And it's not
what I'm saying that right, So in the sete, and

(18:44):
nobody is going to be like, oh, what a fucking bitch,
how dare you fix my tell me alert me of
my dress being inside? Right, No, nobody's gonna do that.
And yet, and still if I see you about to
ruin yourself over some fucking man who doesn't even change
his toothbrush as much as he should. Right, guy changes

(19:08):
his toothbrush once a year and sleeps on flat pillows
in his house. And that's where he has you sleeping,
resting your head. Jesus Christ, you're pretty head, right, And
I'm like, hey, or another woman whoever is like yo, like,
let me yo, this is not it. Girl. Let me
try to stop you from going down this path. And
here's the truth. It's not about him, it's about you, right,

(19:31):
there's something inside of you that thinks this is okay,
or there's something inside of you that is you know,
you have wounds inside of you who are chasing other
wounds and rather than other wounded men or you know,
and rather than addressing them within yourself, you know, so
and so forth, all of a sudden, it's it's an
issue in a situation. And you're not a girl's girl,
and you know how it's fixed my crown, but not

(19:54):
like that, right, No, fixing another woman's crown doesn't alway
come with soft love labies. And it's always you go. Sis,
you're doing a good job. Sis you do. No baby,
Sometimes you're not doing a good job, and that's okay,
Like come back here we are here, Come sit, sit
at this table, sit, have school, have a class, have books,

(20:15):
have whatever the case may be. And let's put you
on because maybe you were never taught, right, and so
let's have this conversation. Right, let's let's get you some help.
Let's let's help you help yourself. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
you see what I'm saying. It's it's like, if you're

(20:36):
not being compliant, it's just it's just ridiculous. It's wild
to me how so many women conflate being supportive with
being a doormat. Right, Like, I can root for you
and still have boundaries for myself and try to put
you on. Right, I can root for you and still

(21:00):
I'll say no, you can't have access to this part
of my life, right, Like I can do that, I
can do two things, three things, four things, seven things
at the same time, especially because I have adhd oh god. Right.
So it's like, just because a woman is not yesing

(21:25):
you down the place, yes says yes, yes, yes, sing
you down the place, it doesn't mean that she doesn't
have your best interests at heart. It doesn't mean that
she's not rooting for you. It doesn't it doesn't mean
any of that. Right, Just because she says something to
you that might make you, that triggers you, it doesn't
mean that her goal is to hurt your feelings. That's

(21:46):
not it, right, That's that's not it. And just because
a woman doesn't want another woman doesn't want to say
where she got something from that's not a slight to you.
That's a boundary that she has said for herself. That's
not a slight to you. That's not her, that's not

(22:06):
her punching you in the face. That's not anything. And
if you took it that way, that's something that you
have to address within yourself rather than taking that shit
down on her because she is allowed. And in the
work that I do with a lot of women, what
I've come to realize for the most part is the
reason why women take so so offense to other women
setting boundaries is because nine out of ten times is

(22:28):
because they don't have any for themselves. That's just that's
just the reality of the situation, right, Like this is
lich studied and tried and true. Right, the thing that
it's no different than a woman who's living her best
life and you feel some type of way every time
you look this bituly you off on a flight again.
You're catching Flate's not feelings. Let's be nice, right, this

(22:49):
must be nice shit, But it's it's reflecting something back
into you that you feel yourself you don't have or
you can't do for it for whatever reason. Right for
yourself than addressing that you want to take your shit
out on her, who's literally just existing in the wild,
just existing. Who smiled at you when you were passing,

(23:11):
Who gave you a compliment? Who? Whatever the case may be, right, who? Whatever?
Maybe she didn't, maybe you just hate watching her, whatever
the kiss may be. She's just existing and you feel
some type of way about that. Right. I don't have
to dress up the word no to make you feel
better about the fact that I'm saying no. I don't

(23:33):
have to say no because you asked me for something.
I have to know because and decorate my paragraph so
that it lands sweeter and softer for you. No is no,
that's it, right? Hey, are you free? Tim Mark? Can
you come help me tomorrow with X y Z? No?

(23:54):
I can't. I don't have to explain myself. And this
is even something for myself that a lot of times
I have to catch myself still right and course correct myself,
Like whatit a minute, I'm about to explain a who. No,
I don't have to do right one of my clients,
just to show that this is still a work in progress,
right one of my clients. I shall tell Amanda I

(24:16):
had to switch days with her. I had to reschedule her. Uh,
I think like three or four weeks ago, and this
is a client who's been me for a minute. I'm
so proud of her for this moment. But this is
a perfect a perfect time to showcase house. Sometimes the
teacher becomes the student, the student becomes a teacher. So
I must have been like, Hey, is it cool if

(24:42):
on Friday or whatever? I said they were scheduled and
then I said, she said, yeah, no problem. I said cool,
thank you because and I started to explain and she
was like, be bro, you don't got to tell me why.
And I was like, oh shit, you right. She's like,
you don't have to. You do not have to tell
me why, baby, you that you take that Friday, do
whatever you want to do with it, you know what

(25:02):
I mean. And I was like you right, you right?
You know I love my clients, but anyway, is that
aggress I was like, thank you for that reminder. She's like,
you are welcome, right, But we're so we're so used
to feeling like we have to we have to give
these paragraphs, these this, these that, these reasons why to

(25:24):
like to validate that our our no or or to
to prove that our no is worthy has a good
enough reason when we don't, we really really don't, right,
And another woman doesn't have to either. She she could
say no without putting it lol at the end of

(25:44):
it without whatever the case may be, right, and it
doesn't mean it doesn't even make that's not anything to do.
I think a lot of people think that a woman
saying no right full stop, is her she's mad or something. Oh,
she's just saying no, Nah, I'm good, no, no thanks, Nah,

(26:06):
I'm outside on that. No, you see what I'm saying.
So this whole girl's girl's discourse, I feel it so
asked backwards. Yo, I just I just, I just gonna
like it. Like, if being as a girl's girl means
I or other women are expected to be one dimensional,

(26:28):
y'all can have that. I don't know whatever about, but
y'all can have that. Right me personally, personally, I'm a
whole ass multifaceted woman. I am light and dark, shadow
and light and in the middle. Right. I I am
not just one tab staring at the forty five tabs

(26:51):
open on my laptop. I'm forty five tabs, right, I'm
not just one thing, many different things on many different occasions, right,
And that means that my support for other women isn't
just about making them feel good and soothing their ego.

(27:12):
I am not a pacifier. I'm not a sis. I'm
not a sis that you can suck on. Okay, that's
getting weird. That was that went a little left? Do
you know what I mean? That's you know anyway? Right,

(27:33):
It's not just about making other women feel good, because
sometimes you have to be real. You have to hold
each other accountable, you have to, you know. And I
have to set a standard for how I move. Right.
That's the work that I did within myself years man
of work and continuing to do within myself for how

(27:55):
I move, For how I take up space in my
own life. For how I don't let anybody take from
me and take from me and take from me and
take from me, right, For how I don't smile at
myself to make somebody else feel comfortable when them there uncomfortable. Right.
These are standards for setting standards for how I move.
And it took me a lot to get here, and

(28:16):
other women who set boundaries accordingly, it took them out
a lot of work to get there, right, And I
see it first hand every day, right. I see how
when my clients came in last year and we're like,
oh my god, I can't I have to say no
to somebody and I don't know how to do this
and da da da da da. Right. So now a
year later they're like, no, I told his boy that

(28:38):
I said NOBU block block block block city, bitch, block
block city, bitch. Right. But a year ago they had
that text message in their hand from him in our session,
shaking had been sitting on it for a day and
being like, be I don't know how to respond to this,
like he said, dadada, what should I say? And if
I say no, I don't want to come across this
and I don't have to think I'm a bitch and

(29:00):
I don't want to think that d right. So fast
forward a year later, they're like, I don't give book
what you think about me, block, Right. It takes a
lot of work to get there, right, and so for
if you're not doing the work that you need to
do for yourself, then yeah, you're you're gonna be offended

(29:20):
by another woman who is doing it right, who has
done it and is still doing it and is maintaining it.
But that's something that you have to check within yourself.
That is not her responsibility, and just like it is
not you are. Women all over the world are learning
and are saying that it is. You know, in a

(29:41):
relationship you should not be. You know, it's not your
job to do all the emotional labor or take on
all the emotional labor, and in a relationship with a man, okay,
it's not another woman's job to do your emotional labor,
to take it on for you because you feel some
type of way because she said no, or because she
said no, I'd rather not share that, or because she
said a boundary. Because you're she she understands that you're

(30:02):
not entitled to anything from her. And it's not out
of spite for you. Right again, that is not to
spite you. That is her standing for her. It is
that what I'm saying. So I don't know about everybody else,

(30:22):
but that's the kind of woman that I I have
worked hard to become and I'm working to maintain. A
woman who who owns her space, who owns herself, and
who no longer I'm I I I used to in
in full honor, say shit like I will take the

(30:43):
shirt off my back for somebody, right, And I used
to say it with such such honor in mine. You know,
I'm look at me, I'm a I'm a good person.
I will take the shirt off my back to you know,
keep somebody else warm. And it is what I used
to do. But you know what, taking your shirt off
your back to keep other somebody else's But you don't

(31:04):
have a shirt now. Now you're just on the side
of the road with your titties up in the air.
And now this person has your shirt, right, this person
has your shirt and they're like, oh, thanks so much,
and they what do they do? They walk away with
your shirt? You think you're ever gonna see that the
shirt again? Probably not right? And then you're just there
on the side of the road with your titties out
cold cold, with some titties. That is that a smart

(31:31):
thing to do? Is that? No? So I've had to
really think of him. What a motherfuck a minute? What
fuck do I right? No? So hear, what if I'm
wearing a shirt underneath this shirt, then yes, I will
take this shirt off, and you can because now we
both have a shirt, right. But if I'm not wearing
a shirt underneath the shirt, I'm not giving you my

(31:53):
shirt unless you are a baby. If you are a baby,
an infant, a child, then yeah, right. If you're wounded
on the side of it, like you're bleeding kiko coo coo,
right like and that somebody shot you, I don't know. Fuck,
I don't know, right, but just regular old regular because
whatever the kiss me people call. No, I'm not doing that, right.
Maybe I'll figure out a way to rip my shirt

(32:15):
in half so that I have titties covered, and now
you have titties covered and not at least we're both
you know. But I'm not leaving myself exposed so that
you can can be comfortable. Now, No, not doing that.
I am not lighting myself on fire to keep you warm,
because nine out of ten times, anyways, nobody is ever
grateful for the person who lit themselves on fire to

(32:35):
keep them warm. What they do is is that they
come back and ask you to do it again. Remember
that one time that you're looking body can be warm,
You mind starting another the fire for me because I'm cold? Right.
This usually is said by people who were people pleasers,

(32:56):
recovering people pleasers, so on and so forth. Right, people
who are doing things because they want somebody to like them.
They want somebody to see them, They want somebody to
value them. Right, if I take the share off my
back and give it to you, maybe this person will
value me. Right. If I overextend myself, if I make
myself uncomfortable to help make this person comfortable, maybe they
will see the sacrifice that I made and they will

(33:18):
value me. But when you start doing your inner work, baby,
and when you dismantle that shit, right and you start
to fill yourself up. I hate to kind of say
fill yourself up because it sounds so generic and it
sounds so overused, but I can't think of another term
right now, So forgive me, sorry, I could do better,
But later for that right, when you start learning that

(33:43):
all this shit that most people are fucking parasites broke right,
that most people are takers, and if you are a
giver with no boundaries, you will be taken from That's
just that is how the cookie crumb, my dear, right,
If you are a giver with no boundaries, you will

(34:07):
expose yourself and be susceptible to people who are takers
who never plan to give back to you because they
don't even have it in themselves to give right, so
reciprocity with that, don't live here, that's out the window.
It's just you being drained, left in the cold with
your titties out, left on fire to burn. And it

(34:30):
is that what I'm saying. So boundaries, and I know
that we hear boundaries alone, right, but the reality is
is that you need them, especially as a woman. You
need them, and they are not only for men. They're

(34:52):
not only for men. They are for everybody, and that
includes you as another woman. It's okay to be like dang,
like in the boots girls situation, right, It's okay to
be like dang. Okay, girl, It's okay to inside feel
that little sting, right, that's okay, that's you know, that's okay,

(35:13):
all right, it's not a man. I really want to
know where the boots are from, all right, girl, that's
all right, you know, And then going about your business
that's okay, you know. And then later I'll be like,
you know what, you don't have to share it. It
would have been nice, but it's okay. She's allowed not
to share. And that's it the end, that's it, right.
But to sit down there now make a whole hooplu
get on TikTok dead or drag a woman for having

(35:34):
a boundary because you wanted to know why I was
so nice to her. Who gives a fuck? I don't
give a fuck. I don't care. I think you know who?
You know who else is really nice? The people them
who kidnap you in the parks, they come up to
you real nice. Or the people that m kinnap, Hey,
how you doing? Little girls? So none to do? I
lost my doggy? Do you know? Do you want some candy?

(35:54):
Then people are real nice. And it's what I'm saying.
So I just this again, something that has been sitting
on my mind for a while now, and you know,
I just think it's wild, and I think that it's
something that we all need to really think about, right,
Like why is it so triggering when another woman stands

(36:15):
her ground? Why is it so hard to accept when
someone might have a boundary that you don't understand or
agree with, And you don't have to understand. That's another
thing too, We not have to understand it. It's not
for you to understand, right, It's not for you to
understand why a woman is not wanting to share something
or not wanting to give something or not wanting to
give you access to something, or so on and so forth.
You don't know what women are going through in their lives, right.

(36:36):
A lot of us we have met at the same
crossroads many times, many many times, right. A lot of
us can relate to each other through certain traumatic experiences.
You guys don't see that. A lot of us have
met at the same crossroads, right, many a times in
different parts of our lives. Right. And so because we
have met there before and we have this, we end

(36:59):
up with this, this this thought or this idea that oh,
you and I are the same. We're not. We're not.
We are not the same. Just because we've met at
the same place as before and we've shared that and
we've talked about that and whatever, it doesn't mean that
we are the same. You don't know the layers of

(37:20):
my life. I'm the only one who knows the intricate
details and layers of my life, right, And I couldn't
possibly sit here and share them all with you because
because even at that, some of them I'm only realizing
and this I'm saying I but other women as well, right,
some of them you're only realizing as on a Tuesday morning,

(37:43):
when you're folding laundry and then you realize, oh shit,
this is another part of it. Right. These are personal things, right,
You're personal things, and we're not going to sit here
and share every single layer of our lives. Right, So
at the end of the day, I might have certain
things in place, yes, because I know for myself that
it needs to be there. And it doesn't have to

(38:05):
make sense to you because you're not living my life
and you haven't experienced the things that I've experienced. You haven't,
so it's okay if it doesn't make sense to you. Right.
It's just like when I speak about red flags, you know,
and you know, something I always say about red flags is,
aside from the universal red flags that everybody knows, danger,

(38:29):
danger or danger right for the most part. Again, I say,
aside from the universal red flags red, green, yellow, pink, purple,
these flags are personal to a woman something something can
be dangerous for her, but not for you. Right, I'm

(38:49):
gonna give you like the smallest, like lightest example. Right,
Maybe a red flag for a woman is a guy
who has a drink every now and then right after work.
He likes to have a beer, sit on the porch
and have a beer. Oh god, we don't have porches anymore.
In twenty twenty five, they took them all away from us.

(39:11):
Now we have fucking homes that are built to stay
inside and not connect with your neighbors. I digress. Maybe
he likes to sit outside in the stoop and have
a beer. For her, She's like, nah, that's a red flag.
So a red flag for me. I can't date no
man who has a beer after work. For you, You're like,

(39:32):
you're being a little bit ridiculous, Like I come home
from work and have a glass of wine, whatever the
case may be. It's not that serious for her. She's like, no,
it is that serious, right, And that's it. You're there
looking at her like, Okay, she's doing the most, but
for her, she's not doing the most. It's a right
flag for her because what you don't know, and what
she doesn't have to share with anybody, is maybe her
herself is a recovering alcoholic and that puts her in

(39:53):
a dangerous situation. Right And while she can go out
once in a blue moon and whatever the case may be,
and like be you know somebody having a drink, it's
part of relation. She understands but for her to be
with a man who every day he has a beer
or every third day he has a beer after work,
that's a dangerous situation for her and has nothing to
do with him and everything to do with protecting herself.

(40:14):
So for her, that's a red flag for her because
that's dangerous for her. You see what I'm saying. You
see what I'm saying, right, So you don't know what
is the reason for why certain women will say no

(40:34):
to certain things, will protect themselves in a certain way.
And it's not for you to You don't have to
understand it. But what you should try to do is
just fucking respect it. That's it, right, And I'm part
of this conversation in a way where I've had to
check myself too at times, Right, but why, well, why

(40:55):
can't you just And then I had to check myself
and be like, yo, because she fucking doesn't want you.
That's it. It doesn't have what what am I? What
the fuck is going on here? Am I feeling entitled
to this woman? Let me let me back up, black up,
black up, back up? Right, there been times in my
journey where I've apologized to women, been like, you want
to know what that was I shouldn't have you know,
da dah da da. I feel like I just lost
a boundary, my bad girl, you know received well, No,

(41:17):
I appreciate you, thank you for saying that. Da da
da completely understand blah blah blah blah blah blah whatever.
Cool and is what I'm saying. Just respect it. Do
your best to respect it. Understand that every woman is
her own person, with her own tastes, preferences, wants, needs, boundaries,

(41:39):
so on and so forth. Right, and if that's not
what you mean when you say a girl's girl, then
maybe it's time to rethink what you actually want from
the women around you. Right, what what do you actually
want from the women around you? One of my clients

(42:04):
the other day shout out to Tiffany. She and by
the way, y'all know when I say the other day,
I can be talking about you how six months ago,
But the other day she must have been like, you
know you're being She's like, you're a real girl, A
real girl's girl, is what she said, right, Like you
like you be? You know before she's a client. She's
been listening to me for a long time, so on
and so forth, right and She's like, you be laying

(42:25):
it down how it is. And She's like, when I
started listening to you, I was like, ah, fuck you
like that, right? But but then I you know, I
kept listening and kept listening, and honestly, like, once you
get past your own fucking sugars, you start to realize,
like you're not blown smoke up nobody's ass. Right. She
didn't say it in those last words, but I'm paraphrasing
that because it was a little bit long Google, but
I know the gist of it was. She was like,
you the girl's girl, right, because I keep it a

(42:48):
buck fifty and am and I keep it at buck
fifty because I understand the importance of being I can
only keep it abug fifty with y'all because I keep
it a buck fifty with myself. And any time that
I'm not keeping in about fifty for myself, it's something
I gotta save with myself and be like, why am
I lying to myself about this? What's going on here? Right?

(43:10):
And I'm not perfect. I have slip ups, I have regressions, relapses.
I gotta you know, just like the example I gave
when my clinent Amanda had to be like girl, why
you don't got to explain that shit to me? Like
you right? Right, we are constant works in progress because
life is lifing around us, and it's very easy to
slip back into That's another thing too, man, it's very
easy to slip back into old patterns, very easy. That's

(43:31):
with everything. Just like the example that I gave about sobriety.
You know, it's very easy to slip back into having
a drink. Right when it comes to dick, it's very
easy to slip back to your toxic ex toxic nick
man thingy. I don't know what just happened there, my brain.

(43:55):
Y'all know what the folk I'm saying, right, it's very
You smoke, you quit smoking. It's very easy the day
you get stressed out or life gets too much, to
slip back into wanting to smoke. Right, you working out?
You are on your health diet or health lifestyle, not diet,
because we don't do those things around here, mam, no, no, no,

(44:16):
diet lifestyle diets are not sustainable anyways. Right, you're doing
step I'm doing seventy five hard. No, you know we're
gonna use that. I'm doing seventy five hard right. And
the first two weeks I was on that motherfucker. I
was don't, don't, don't forty five minutes, and then a
month and work out forty five minutes, and then an
evening work out. Just dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.

(44:37):
Right on it. I was eating well, I was sleeping well.
I was dead da da who what in the what
is ten k steps? No, bitch, eighteen k steps, twenty
two k steps, twenty three k steps. Yeah, And then
life happened a little bit. I got off my you know,

(44:57):
I got off my my, my, my thing, and I
for three days, I was emotionally eating for three days
and hiding it right, three days emotionally eating whatever. Listen
to me, cheesecake, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, pies, chips, cheesecake, pies, chips.

(45:22):
Is it clear that chips are my choice of my
choice of drug? Right? Chicken wings, fast food, McDonald's, Big Mac,
supersize my fries. What did I coke? Like the nerve
of me? Right? And I was doing it while Joy
was at work, and then the other day doing came

(45:42):
in the host and it must have been like I
didn't hide my chips properly. There were on the counter.
I wasn't expecting him to come, and he gently said,
my love, have you been emotionally eating? And I was like, fuck, yeah, man,
I have right And he was like, it's okay. You know,
like a lot is going on right now because some

(46:02):
shit was happening. It's whatever, you know, I understand it.
He's like, well, let's try to let's let's try to
get back on track, right, Like you work so hard
to come this far, Like, let's try. How can I
help you? Right? How can I help you get back
on track? I love doing anyways, So I have to

(46:22):
I have to restart seventy five hard all over again
because I had a relapse. Because life is lifing, right,
and sometimes that's going to happen. It's easy to fall
It's so easy to fall back into old patterns. For me,
it's easy to reach for something, for some type of
comfort food. Right. It's easy when I'm feeling emotional, because
that's how I'm used to coping right for a lot

(46:44):
of time, for so much of my my not so
much of my life, but for whenever it started right,
It's how I'm used to coping, so it's easy for
me to fall back in those patterns. Right. The point
is not to to be a perfect person through this,
or to be a perfect woman because she doesn't exist. Right.
The point of this journey is to be able to

(47:05):
catch yourself. And if you're if you're lucky enough to
have somebody in your life who catches you and can
can have a conversation with you, right and be like,
you know, it's okay, Like let's we got to like, yeah,
you fucking up, but like, let's you know, how can
we get you back on track? If you're lucky enough
to have somebody who can call you out in that
type of way but also be there to support you,
don't don't don't lash out at them. These people love you. Right,

(47:30):
if you're lucky enough to have somebody in your life
who's gonna hold you accountable, be like baby, baby, baby girl,
g go go go go girl, Nah says that ain't it.
We fucking up? Let's go come on, come on, come on,
come on, right, don't lash out at those people. Those
people love you, people who hold you accountable. That is love.
That is love. That's love, my gee, Because because when

(47:51):
you are accountable in your life. You thrive, You literally thrive. Right.
So it's not about never falling off the wagon. It's
not about never having a moment of of of relapse.
It's not about that, right. It's about when you're tempted
to or you know, before it gets there, if you're
tempted to call somebody to do something, whatever the case

(48:13):
may be, you have a plan in action, right or
if it and or if it does happen that you're like,
you know what, fuck that, you recognize it, You're like, shit,
this happened. Okay, God damn it. All right, let's start
up again, right. And the more you do that one,
the more confidence you build within yourself, because now you

(48:35):
you've built a new series of patterns in your mind. Right,
And the new series of patterns, or the new story
series of stories rather right in your mind. Is so
if before your old story was let's just say, I'm
just gonna use working out, right, If your old story
before it was working out was I can't do it,
I don't have time. I want to, but I can't
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Right, and then

(48:57):
you started. One day you started, and let's say you
went for three weeks, you're doing strong, and then you relapsed, right,
but then you started again a month later. Intead of done,
you went this time for two months and then you
had a two day relapse, and then you started again.
You're gonna set I'm saying. The new story in your
mind is you know what when you fall off your
wa again? I fell off, but I now know that

(49:19):
I can get back on right. That's the new story,
and that's what builds confidence. That's what makes you a
person in life who's like, can nobody take my pot?
Can nobody hold me down? Right? God damn it, Diddy,
why did you have to be this fucking piece of shit?

(49:39):
Because now I can't even sing a childhood solid part
of my life, you know what I mean? Right? Anyways,
so unhinged in my episodes, I sort of got so
u hinged. Shout out to everybody else who's just a
little bit as unhinged as I am. In the best way.
It's okay, we love you. That's that's why you're here. Anyways,

(50:00):
I'm starting to get off topic and I'm starting to
go off the rails here, and that's what I know.
When it's time for me to clock out. So that's
what I want to say about this situation here and
this whole Girl's Girls situation. So, and the thing about
it is, I don't even know if I've ever and
now that I'm talking, I'm like, have I already talked
about this before or like mentioned it somewhere in another episode?

(50:20):
I don't know. But in the event that I did, well,
here's an upgraded one, I guess, or a reminder. So
that's that on that. So I hope that this gave you,
you know, something to think about, something to sit with,
something to merint it on, and even something to even
just broaden your perspective and open your eyes and like
look around you and see how many how many women

(50:43):
move this way? You know, and I don't know. Some
just food for thought, man, food for that finishing plates,
so you can go be great. I want to give
a shout out to today's sponsor. Yeah, we have a sponsor, y'all. Oh,
we have a sponsor. We have a sponsor. Uh, thank you,
thank you, thank you. So today's sponsor for the episode

(51:04):
is me, God damn it, because I don't get no sponsors.
People don't like to sponsor me. But I think I
cussed too much and I'm midd business. But sponsors are
not for me anyways. So today's sponsor the episode is me.
I wrote a book. Another book is called Your Pussy
is a Portal and it is currently available right now
on ebook and you can get it through the link

(51:26):
in my show notes. I was gonna say, bio Chi,
I'm tired the link in the show notes. It's called
Your Pussy is a Portal and he was lucky to
be let in. Okay, so if you're into that type
of stuff, go ahead, you can get that also. Second sponsor,
Girl read this before your next Date. I want to
say something about Girl read this before your next day,
because I think there's a little bit of confusion and

(51:47):
it's like the fourth time that somebody said something in
this way, and I'm like, I think I could clear
something up. Girl read this before your Next Date. Is
not a dating book. Just to be clear, Okay, it's
not a book on how to date. That's not what
it is, all right, Girl, read this before your Next Date?
Is a is going to save you a year of therapy.

(52:11):
That's that's what that is. Right. It's a book about
you and how you move and it's a book to
unpack your ship. They really don't have anything to do
with men or getting dates or going on a date
or whatever the case may be. Right, right, it's not
what it's about. It is about the ship that's going

(52:35):
on inside of you, so that the next time you
do go on a date, you're better equipped for said
date says right, dates, right, So just want to just
clear that up. That can also be found through the
link and leave. I'm gonna leave. I'm a I'm going
to leave the You don't know what to do? Man,

(52:58):
you just go and go to www. Dot Sketches Together
dot com and you could, you know, find what you need.
Everything is there. The third sponsor for today I love
myself and I want everybody to know that the third
sponsor for today's episode is also you guessed it me.
I do have my one off coaching calls that are

(53:20):
available if you were not able to sign up for
the full three months, totally understand if you book a
one off coaching call with me. How it works is
we have an hour, we talk about everything that you needed.
You know that you need help with whatever the case
I be, and after our call, I make you of course,
I give you stuff to do in the moment, right,

(53:42):
But then I make you your own personal workbook basically
right based off of your needs which you got going on,
so on and so forth. Your own personal work book,
God plan whatever it is that you need that can
you know, at least help you go forward, you know,
if you can't make it to therapy or coaching or

(54:02):
whatever the case may be. Right, so you can read
more about that. They're called wake up calls. You can
read more about that on my website as well. And
that is it. That's all the sponsors I have today. Oh,
I have no You thought I was done, I'm not.
You know what I am done. I'm going to keep that.

(54:25):
I'm going to keep that a secret and until it's done,
and then I'll announce it to the world. I guess
so excited to talk about things that I'm working on,
and then I forget to cover myself, meaning not to
talk about them yet. And when they're done, then you
can just go forth and have it. I'm trying to
work on that as well. See work in progress, Man,

(54:46):
work in progress. Anyways, ladies and sometimes gentlemen, I'm gonna
go This episode was only supposed to be probably twenty
minutes in my mind and it's been fifty four minutes.
I hope that I was able to keep your company
on your commute to work or your workout session today.
Shout out to the ladies who are doing the StairMaster.

(55:06):
What the fuck? But you know we'll get through it,
right if you were cooking, if you were taking a walk,
if you were getting your steps, and hope I was
able to keep you company and like I said, give
you something to think about. Okay. So still don't have
any ultra music. I'm I don't know what I'm going
to do about that. I'll figure it out and that's it, okay.

(55:29):
So I hope that you guys have a good rest
of your morning's evenings, afternoons or look y'all are in
the world. Please be safe, use condems, God, trust your intuition,
and use your discernment, and I'll catch y'all on the
next episode. Much love y'all. It'll be great.