June 17, 2025 • 40 mins
I don't know who needs to hear this today... but I know someone out there does. So, here ya go ;)
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
So this is not going to be a long episode today. Well,
I say that, and then I say that, and then
fifty minutes later, I'm still fucking talking. But with the intent.
The intent is not for it to be a long
episode today. I just wanted to come on here quickly.
One because it's been a while since I've been on.
But also two, I saw something today that was so
(00:22):
in line with how I was feeling this morning. And
I feel like it's been a while since we've had
or I've done. Rather is that the police. I don't understand.
How comes every time I'm recording there's some type of
something happening and that about ground Man, Can I get
a break like a kit kat? Oh my gosh. Anyways,
(00:43):
so I see something there was in alignment with how
I was feeling this morning. So I opened up my
Instagram today and the first the first thing in my
face was this quote. And it's from a page called
writers would shout out to them because they must have
you know how hard it is to get a username,
(01:03):
that's just one word. They must have started their page
in fucking twenty ten, in the beginning of Instagram because
its good for them. But anyways, I digress. So the
post says you're allowed to be proud of weird little
winds like drinking water before coffee, like not texting someone
who made your soul feel small, like folding the laundry
(01:25):
even though it's sat there for three business days. That
may part me be left because I always say business days.
Your life doesn't need to be impressive to be worth celebrating.
Let the small things count too. And I just feel
like we could all use a reminder of this last line.
(01:47):
Your life doesn't need to be impressive. And I would
add actually to other people to be worth celebrating, let
the small things count to. So this morning, and you
guys know my You guys know my story with like
working out in the gym and and like eat the
gym and the gym and eating and you know, and
(02:11):
so today I went to the So several things happened today.
So normally I go to the When I do go
to the gym, I go at five. I try to
get there. I wake up at five, I try to
get there between like five twenty five thirty. And the
reason for this is because so I have a there's
(02:33):
an app. My gym has an app, and you can
see in real time how many people are in the gym, right,
And I fucking love it. Kyle like to go to
the gym when there's a lot of people. I'm not,
I'm out with the shits. I don't wan like to
be there when I'm just like full of people. I don't.
I don't like it. So I try to go at
the times when there's no one there, and five thirty
in the morning is perfect. There's like three people in there,
(02:53):
and I'm like, yeah, I love that for me. But
the last several days I have been waking up really late.
Bentley has an fortunately, has had a very very difficult time.
He unfortunately has been very ill. His epilepsy has taken
a turn. But he's okay, he's okay, We're okay where
everything's okay. But it's just been a it's been a
(03:16):
very very emotionally difficult week. So as a result, I've
had a lot of anxiety about leaving him period. Right.
He also developed like hotspots around his neck because he
had to be hospitalized and so they put a cone
on him and it was a whole fucking thing. So
I've had to like tend to his well. Anyways, Bro
it's just spin. Okay, it's just spin. So for the
(03:40):
last week and some change, I haven't been going to
the gym, which pissed me off a little bit because
because I'm paying for it. Because I'm paying for it,
and it's also a kind of catchwy too of like
how life like you know, you just you make a decision, Okay,
I'm gonna start doing X y Z, and it's like
the universe is like, are you well, I throw a
curveball in there and see if you're still going to
(04:02):
do X y Z, And then here comes the curveball
and you're just like what for, Like like why are
you doing this?
Speaker 2 (04:08):
You know?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
And then deep down inside you're like, yeah, everything happens
for a reason. Yeah, but you know, you're just like,
what the fuck even is this? So for the last
week and some change a little bit longer than that,
I've had a lot of anxiety about leaving Bentley alone,
and I just won't leave aside, and eventually I had
to talk myself into the reality that like, okay, I can't.
(04:29):
I can't live like that this right, Like He's going
to be okay, Everything's going to be okay, Like he's
all right, he's better now, he's doing better, he's doing
his best, right, So I'm like, everything's going to be okay.
So I've been waking up in the morning. My alarm's
been going off at five, and I've been shutting that
shit off, like and I'm tired. I'm exhausted, right, I'm
(04:50):
just exhausted. And so I will do my workouts at
home instead. I'll get up at like, you know whatever,
do I work out here instead at like seven or whatever.
Last night I said to myself, No, okay, bitch, going
to the gym tomorrow. Okay. Bentley's okay, Everything's gonna be okay.
We've decided it's all gonna be okay. We're going to
the gym tomorrow. God damn it. This morning, up five
(05:12):
and my alarm goes off. I cut that motherfuck off,
so fa stop. Like you know, I'm tired. I cut
that motherfuck off. I wake back up at six am.
I'm like, fuck Now, Bentley and I have a routine
where basically, so this is what it usually looks like.
So I go to the gym first, I come back,
I bade and then I grab Bentley and then we
(05:35):
go to the dog park for like thirty minutes so
we can hang out with his homies, run around, tire
his self out, and then we come back and then
I start work for the day, all right, And that
routine is important to me. Don't ask me why, it
just is and it just makes sense for me. So
I could start the day early, I could start eat it.
(05:57):
I can't explain it fully, but in my brain and
for my nervous system, it just makes sense. Okay. So
I wake up now and I'm like, well, I'm not
gonna have time what I I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna have time to do this in reverse. And then
two I was like, now there's gonna be a bunch
of people. Oh that's another thing too. So I have
(06:18):
to give Bentley his medication, one of one of his
medications at seven am. Bentley's on a concoction of sucking
pills right now, bro, Like it's actually insane, and I
have to give him to them several times throughout the day.
So like it's a whole system and a whole situation.
So my life really revolves around Bentley's schedule, his pill
schedule anyways, So I'm like, I'm not gonna have time
(06:39):
to do this, blah blah blah blah, and then I'm
still fearing leaving him alone. And this morning I said
to so, I get up and I'm like, I'm just
gonna give him his pills. We're gonna go to the
dog park and then I'm just gonna come home and
work out. And then I was like, no, no, we
can't like this. Something has to change. So I was like,
(07:02):
I'm going to go to the gym today. Right, We're
gonna do things in reverse. I'm going to wait until
seven am. I'm gonna give Bentley as pills. We're gonna
get in the motherfucking car. We're gonna go to the
we're gonna go to the dog park. We're gonna come back.
I'm gonna feed him. He's gonna be okay, he's gonna
(07:22):
lay down, and then I'm gonna go to the gym.
I don't care how many people are in there. And
I said that shakily. I was like, oh, I was like,
I don't care. How okay, let's say again, I don't
care how many people. I was like, that's too high,
stand firm. I don't care how many people are in there.
This is me talking to myself, true story out loud.
So I'm like, I could do this. So we do.
(07:44):
We go to the dog park this morning, come back,
feed Bentley and I'm like, okay. I look at the app.
I see that there's eleven people in the gym and
I'm like, no, oh gods. So I'm like, it's okay.
It's only eleven people. It's not like it's twenty five.
It's eleven people. It's okay. You're gonna be okay, girl.
(08:04):
This is I'm like literally coaching myself through this process
in real time. I'm like, it's okay, it's okay. Bentley's
looking at me like are you good. I'm looking at
him like no. So I'm like, everything's gonna be okay.
I'm like, and you're gonna be okay. I'm gonna leave.
You're gonna be safe. Nothing's gonna happen. It's okay. So
I change into my gym clothes, grab my water, grab
my AirPods. I'm like, whoo whoop, pull over that ass
(08:27):
too fat, let's go, and I do it. I go
to the gym and as I'm driving, I'm like, I
have anxiety. I'm like, oh my god, I'm my god,
I'm a god. I'm talking to Duane on the phone.
Duyne's like, I'm so proud of you, babe, blah blah
blah blah. I'm like yeah, no, I'm like yeah, like,
I'm proud of me too right now for doing this.
But I have some anxiety. I'm like, you know, So
(08:48):
he's just trying to talk me off. He's like, you know,
he's like, maybe there's eleven people. Okay, there's eleven people
in the gym right now, but you know, depending on
what you're doing, maybe you won't even see them right
Maybe they're in the back lift weights, remember, whatever the
case a be. So he's just trying to give me
different scenarios. So talk me off the fucking ledge. So
I'm like, okay. So I pull up at the gym
(09:08):
and I look in the window because it's a big
you know, you know, the big window in the front
where the treadmills are, so when you're on the treadwill
and you can look out the window, which I love.
Wind gems are like that. Ps. By the way, I
don't want to be staring at a motherfucking wall. There's
one gym. There's a couple of gyms in Montreal that
I really don't like it all. And that's another thing too.
I realized that one of my issues with the gym
(09:29):
was was the fact that I hated how they looked inside.
I can't like I'm gonna give you an example, so
I don't mean to slander anybody's gyms. These are just
my personal opinions, and my opinions only, thank you very much.
But in Montreal there are gems called oh my god,
what's the name of these fucking gems? They were yellow
(09:50):
with blue writing, Eco Fixed, ECOmax, Econos something something something,
and inside it makes me sick, like it looks like
a hospital.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
The lights are like hospital lights. The fucking place is gray,
and then the equipment is like gray and yellow. It's
really ugly. I hate it. I don't feel good in there.
And I had gone a couple times with Dwayne last
year and I just I just didn't like it, and
I couldn't really figure it out. And then I found
my gym, which is so nice. It's all black, it's
(10:24):
black and purple, and inside is not hob hospital lights.
It's just a different vibe. Anyways, It's also more expensive.
I don't care. The point is, so I pull up
to the gym. Now see I digress. I pull up
to the gym, Pop in my AirPods, press play.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Ice Cube is like, dun't no no no, no no
no no, no no no, dunt dun dun't dun dun. Yeah, yeah,
you can do it. Put your back into it, don't stop,
get to get it. I'm like, you're right. It's like,
don't stop, get to get it. I said, that's right,
he said, do it.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Okay. So I'm walking into the gym. This is my
entry song. Okay. Now I walk into the gym, and
I realized right away that Dwayne was correct. All of
the eleven people who were in the gym were in
the back doing weights in the back, and so all
of the treadmills were free. And today I was doing treadmill,
(11:17):
and so I was like, okay that. So I positioned
myself on the treadmill whatever the kiss may be. And
I also decide today that I'm going to because I
have a plan, but I decide I'm going to up
the plan. I'm going to push myself a little bit more.
So I put the treadmill on like fat burner thinging whatever.
And I don't know if you guys know, but the
(11:39):
fat burner one. It goes in between inclines. So wherever
you're starting, like let's say you're starting out of I
don't know, a four point five incline, well it'll go
from like four point five and then like it's like
you're climbing a mountain, right, and then so the incline
will go about to like six point five, the highest incline,
and then it'll bring you back down to like five
and then four and then you know. So today I
(12:00):
was like, no, bitch, fuck, this four point five incline
shit goes up to only six point five. I'm like,
I'm gonna start my incline at six point five so
I could be at my highest at my intervals will
be at nine point five inclined, and I'm gonna go
four point five speed four point five for twenty minutes
(12:22):
and then for the I'm gonna work out for an hour.
I'm gonna do my tremill for an hour, and then
for the rest I'll do five speed five. And I
did that shit like I was on that motherfucking triadmill,
dripping sweat like I could ring my shirt. But to
be fair, every time I go to the gym, I
could ring my shirt. I'm one thing about me is
I'm a sweat. That's why I don't. I don't let
(12:43):
me say something sidebar to the my girl is to
go to the gym. What are you doing with your hair?
Because there is no way. I literally have to wash
my hair every day. It's insanity. I sweid so much
in my head top that like, oh, it makes me
sad sometimes because I can't press my hair no more.
(13:03):
I can't do nothings in my hair anymore, but wash
it every day and leave it how the fuck. It
is also sidebard for my curlies who have curly hair.
So I have okay, i'll tell you this at the end. No,
i'll tell you this right now. So my hair is
like it's two curl patterns, and well, I don't even
want to talk about curlats because people always start to fight.
But it's very tight. I have tight coils, but I
have a very very soft fine hair. But I will
(13:25):
very soft fine hair, but the coils are very tight.
And the other day I ran out of product and
so I was like, oh, well, motherfucker, and so I
had to let my hair air dry with just naked
nothing in it, and I discovered I was like, yo,
why is this banging? Though? My hair was so fluffy
(13:46):
and light and free and so defined and so pretty
and so all the things, and I was like, I
am my god, this is amazing. And so I started
to realize, like maybe my hair doesn't like products at all.
Maybe I don't need any products and I just needed
a really good conditioner and then let it do its thing,
and yeah, because and then how I knew that was
(14:06):
to be the fact. So I love my hair like
that for like three days. And then I'm just saying,
like I stopped putting products. I didn't buy any product
to put in my hair. And then I went out
and bought some products, and then I put some product
in my hair, and literally I was like, why does
my hair look like this? Like it's way down. It's
the fucking product. So I try it. I don't know
if you want to again, I have very very light hair,
very very very soft, soft hair, so you know, I
(14:28):
just want to share that with you. Anyways, what is this? Okay?
So I do my hour on my treadmill at this
incline and I'm so fucking proud of myself. I'm like,
I am like, you just killed that all right, because
(14:48):
never in my mind that I think that I was
going to do like Inoson I'm saying. And I was
so proud of myself. It's seven hundred and twenty seven calories, man, okay,
just poof gone, so proud of myself. And so I
I I come off the treadmill and I walked in
(15:11):
the car and I drink you know, seven bottles of water. No, no, no,
just too And I'm sitting in the car and I'm like,
girl to myself, I'm like, I'm so proud of you, Like,
I'm so proud of you. Not only did you overcome
this fear of going to the gym when there's people there,
(15:31):
you overcame that. You push yourself also today to do more,
push yourself to do more. You left Bentley right like
you decided that he was gonna be okay. You you
didn't you know, you know you you you left him
at home? You know you? You just conquered shit today,
Like and I just felt so so proud of myself.
(15:53):
So called Wayne, and I'm like, babe, it's like Bibbs
why go on, Biebs, I said, I did a thing.
He said, tell me boom what you do? What you
do Boom? I said, yep. So I told him whatever
the case may be. And I could hear him smiling
on the phone. He's like, I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4 (16:10):
My love.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
He's like, yo, keep it up, I see you. You're
doing so good. And I was like things. And while
it felt good to have the validation obviously from Doane,
the point was that I felt before Dune, I validated myself,
you know, And I was just I really gave myself
the props because I knew that I deserved it. And
here's the thing. I think that a lot of times,
(16:33):
and the reason why I'm sharing this story today is
to remind everybody. I think a lot of the times
when we look for somebody else to validate us before
we validate ourselves, and two we minimize our progress. Only
I know how difficult this is for me. Only I
know even if I tell y'all, it doesn't matter, right,
(16:53):
because I'm the only one who knows how truly difficult
this period of time has been for me. When I
comes to Bentley emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically right. So when
Bentley had his So Bentley basically last week he had
a cluster seizure. He had four. He had four in
(17:15):
the span of ten minutes. And I had to bring
him to the emergency room and I was by myself
and I had to so he lost his vision for
the he got it back, but in the moment he
had lost his vision, and so I had to carry
the dog. I don't think like I had to carry
the dog down the stairs into my car. Bentley is
(17:37):
a Saint Bernard, right, I'm by myself. I don't even
know how I did it. My mom was like that
that's the address. She's like, it's adrenaline, Like you're your
adrenaline was pumping through you, and you're like, yo, I
need to you know what I mean. That's the that's
the adrenaline, that's the mother instinct in you. That's the
I need to give my baby to safety, you know.
And so my back was hurting me. A couple of
(17:58):
days later, I was like, what the buck is this?
Why is my background of me doing It's like, I
don't know, maybe because you carry a dog to I'm
like right right, right right, like the weight of being
worried about him was consuming me. Just just so many,
just so many things. In the midst of it, we
have a teenager who's who's help, like help, what in
(18:22):
the we have a teenager who has gone rogue, Like
it's just so many, so many aspects of life is
just lifing. And then you know, my coping mechanism is
food is emotionally eating. You know. So I'm the only
one who knows how much it takes for me to
(18:47):
do something right, to change a pattern, or to make
a better choice, or to whatever the case may be. Right,
even if I explain it like yeah, like y'all are
listening right now. And for some of you guys who
don't struggle with it, you would be like, okay, well,
good job, we're patches off on the back, okay, cool, right.
Others of you guys who knows what it is too,
you're like, oh fuck, Like, yeah, I see you, girl,
I feel you, I understand you. Right, But even whatever
(19:09):
camp you're in, still the depth of it. Only I know, right,
because because I'm the one who's living it, And it's
no different for y'all. Right, if today you got out
of bed right and brush your teeth and wash your
(19:30):
face a little bit easier than it took for you
yesterday and the day before. That's a fucking win. Only
you know how difficult it's been for you to get
out of bed the past couple of whatever days, whatever
the case may be, for whatever the fuck is going
on in your life. Somebody on the o side, looking
in caud be like, okay, girl, it's just literally getting
out of bed. It's not that serious, But for you
it is, because you're the only one who knows what
(19:53):
it's took for you to do that right. For someone else,
you finally block that one person you know, and someone
on the other side could be like, okay, girl, congratulation
you blocked a dude with the penis cool, cool, cool,
cool like rags. But for you, only you know how
(20:16):
how what it took for you to do that right,
and how proud you are of yourself for finally doing
that right. And it's important for all of us too
to make a big deal if for no if nobody else,
but just for ourselves of how proud we are for
(20:36):
those small, little and like the post said, even sometimes
weird wins because because they're personal. This is why so
many aspects of our lives are not meant to be
shared on social media, right. So many things are not
meant to be given to social media because it's very
easy for you to be really proud of something that's
(20:58):
small for someone else but big for you. And if
you're not in a place in your life where you
can brush some shit off your shoulders and be like whatever,
fuck you miserable bits right, like, the comments will get
to you, right, somebody in your comments being like, okay, girl,
big deal, I do that every day, or somebody coming
in and being like, so, for example, maybe for you,
the fact that you walked four thousand steps today is
(21:19):
a big fucking deal because you walk twelve normally, right,
And then here comes someone else and you post your
victory and you know it's a little win for someone else,
but for you it's a big win. So you post
a air quote little victory, right, and someone in the
comment session like, girl, I said four o K, Like
talk to me when you get up to twelve and
(21:40):
you're like, okay, right, and now all of a sudden
you feel like shit. But something that you just felt
really good about you just sound what I'm saying now,
All of a sudden, somebody hijacked your emotional win. Somebody
hijacked that energy that you were in that would have
carried you till the next day. Right, it would have
(22:01):
carried you to the next day, but not because that
person said that. And again because you're just not in
a place where you know you can be like, oh
fuck you block. Right the next day, you think to yourself,
what's the point of doing four k, like four k steps,
Like I might as well just not do anything at
all because I can't do twelve k or da da
da da da da da da da da, Right, And
then you talk yourself out of work walking an extra
(22:23):
you know, or walking that four thousand steps and adding
on an extra fifty. You know, there's so many parts
of our lives that we're very careless with, and I
just want to remind people one about, you know, celebrating
your little wins and your small wins and your big wins,
but also to kind of reeling it in a bit.
Not everything has to be shared, you know. I mentioned
(22:46):
I purposely mentioned me calling Dwayne and getting excited and
him validating me because I wanted to show you that
first it came from me. It came from me first, right,
that it was genuine excitement for me first, And I
only shared it with somebody who I knew. I knew
who is the closest person to me, and who sees
(23:11):
who sees my struggle, who sees me, you know, getting
knocked down and getting back up and getting back up
and getting back up. I'm going to get emotional. God, Right,
he sees me, and he does everything he can to
help me too, Right, But he has front row seats,
so he's probably the only other person who knows what
(23:35):
has taken for me and what it continues to take
for me. Right, But me validating myself has to be first, right,
And so you validating yourself has to be first. And
if you want to share it, please share it with somebody,
one person who you know, without a shadow of a doubt,
is going to be so happy for you. Who's going
(23:58):
to want to celebrate you, who's going to want to
make a big deal about it with you, for you,
because of you? Right, we have to be very very mindful.
That's why for a lot of things I pull back.
That's why I don't even have a foken profile picture
on my page no more. I don't even show them
it's very you know, yes, because I I there's just
(24:20):
a lot of things that I'm drawing back on. Man, Like,
you know, not every we're not meant to Strangers are
not meant to consume every single part of us in
this way. Like it's absolutely nuts, it's crazy, and I
too got swept up in it for some time and
not I'm pulling myself back. But I digress. I don't
know who needs to hear this today. But if you
(24:40):
did something or when you do something that's a that's
a win for you. Let it be that. Don't rob
yourself with that win. Don't say yeah, I did this,
but I still have so far to go, don't we don't.
We don't need the extra shit, You don't need the
extra on the end. You don't need a butt at
(25:01):
the end. You did it, period, point blank. I don't
care how far you have to go. Still, didn't you
make a step forward? That's it, that's it. Let yourself
be in that energy. You know. One of my ladies
she graduated today yesterday, shout to a lais she graduated.
We made a joke. She was like, oh, you know,
(25:22):
she's like, this is like my third graduation from from
as my client, and I was like, you know, just
think about it as like, you know, you came into elementary,
high school, you know, or you know, you graduated from elementary,
you graduated from from high school, and then when you
come back, you'll be in university and graduate from there.
Because she was like, I'm back, you know, I'm like,
(25:42):
have the summer off, right, And we started laughing. I'm like,
how the summer off? And then when you start the
new semester, the new school year, you'll be in university.
But I was telling her just how proud I was
of her because I have literally watched her transform like
I do all of my ladies. I'm so fucking proud,
you know. And I think Hilarius has been with me
for maybe home I want to say two years. I
(26:06):
could be a year and a half though, but I
want to say two years, two years, And you know,
I just I've watched her transform and and you know,
she's at a pivotal point in her life now where
she's there are things that she says no to now
that before two years ago, that she would have said
(26:28):
yes to. And that alone, that alone is something so
profound and is worth celebrating. Is very worth being, Like, yo,
look at me, Look at how far I've come, Never
mind how much further you got to go, right, Like,
look at how far I've come, All because I stayed disciplined,
All because I did my work, All because I stayed consistent. Yes,
(26:51):
sometimes I fell off the wagon. Yes, sometimes I took
two steps in life pushed me back, but I got
back up, and I decided I'm not going to quit
on myself. And because of all the times that I
got back up, even in the face of the wind,
who was trying to send me to mofuck a whole
other country and shit with the wind blow on them
in face and send me somewhere else, Like you know
what I mean, push me back so far that I'm
on the edge of an island, Like hello, Hello, Wilson,
(27:16):
willsith Ah. You gotta know where that's from. Some of
you guys want It's not my job to explain it
and digress. Right, The point is that you stuck to
it and you got back up and you kept going.
And that is something to be proud of. That is
(27:37):
something to be so proud of. And that's something that
I see in my clients all the time. Right, I
always tell them it's not about getting shit perfect. This
is not full proof work. It's about being able to
realize the certain behaviors that you're doing now, an old
version of you would never do them, and that's how
(27:58):
you were getting yourself in hot water, right, And now
you're like, no, I don't move that way anymore. Yes,
there's still some kings that I'm working on in between,
but at least I'm not where I was. At least
I'm not where I was. I'm so far from where
I was, and that's a that's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 4 (28:19):
You know.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
I work with these ladies so closely, and I like
I should be recording some of these sessions at least
like their first ones, and then like the middle one,
and then, you know, so they can really see how
far they like. I know they see it, but I
see it through a different lens, and I'm just I'm
in awe and I'm constantly reminded of what you can
(28:44):
really do when you just continue putting one foot in
front of the other, and even if it's you know,
like I A would say, you know, some days you
gotta crawl, man, Just put one in front of the other, girl,
one one in front of the other, even if you
got to cry while you're doing it. You can cry
and walk at the same time. You can chew up
my walk at the same time. You can cry and
walk at the same time. You can Ryan crawl at
the same time. You can do two things the same
motherfucking time. But move, you know, but move, decide, make
(29:07):
a decision for yourself, and then be proud of yourself.
It's okay if you have setbacks, It's part of fucking life, man.
But you can course correct. You can come back from
that setback. A setback doesn't mean you fell back. A
setback doesn't mean full stop. You can always come back
from a setback, a minor setback for a bigger comeback.
And it is that what I'm saying. See, I said
(29:28):
this episode wasn't gonna be long, and we were already
motherfucking twenty nine minutes and thirty one seconds in Jesus
be a fence anyways. So this is everybody's a reminder
today to celebrate yourself and make a big deal just
like you would for a child. Good job, so good right,
(29:52):
you need to do it for yourself too. Did I
already talk about this a little bit in another episode,
I feel like I'm having a dijo vu. I probably did,
but maybe we just needed a reminder. Oh gosh, I
feel like I feel like I said exactly that. Am
I crazy? Yeah, it's okay. I think this is a
big reason why myself, I don't think. I know that
(30:16):
there's a It's a big reason why for myself, I don't.
I tend not to when people come to me with
their SOB stories, I don't feel bad. Ninety five percent
of the time I am thinking to myself, okay, and
what are like, what do you want to do about it?
What are you doing about this situation? Right? And when
(30:38):
I say SOB stories, I don't mean something that's actually,
you know, I'm talking about a victim mindset maybe where
people add sauce on their stories and it's you know
what I'm you know what I'm saying, a SOB story,
bro Right. A lot of the times I I just like, Okay,
(31:00):
go fucking do something about it then, right, Because because
my mindset is life cannot beat me. That's crazy. My
mindset is, no matter how hard shit gets and fucks,
you know, sometimes things get very very hard on this side,
(31:21):
I cannot let that win. Thank you. I need I
will figure it out. I don't know how, I don't
know when, don't know where, but I will figure it out.
That's my one belief is that I will figure it out.
Because if life wins, then then what am I? What
is there for me to What is there for me
(31:43):
to experience anymore like I've just surrendered myself to or
I've I've I've settled for mediocracy, or I've settled for
for bare minimum, or I've settled you know what? Fuck
all that foo all these words I've said for the
worst parts of life. When I could get back up
(32:05):
and continue to push myself to experience the better parts
of life, I don't. I don't want to. I don't
want to just experience the bad parts of life. Bro,
That's not what I want for myself. I don't want
to just just experience pain, heartbreak, suffering, struggle, pain, heartbreak, suffering, struggle, tears, tears, tears.
(32:27):
I don't want that heavy chest. I don't want that
for myself. I I I've I've experienced enough of that
in my life, right And while there are still moments
in my life where I experience those things, there are
now more moments in my life where I experience the
other end of it, the opposite, the happiness, the joy, joy,
(32:48):
pump it up, pump it up right, the laughter, the love,
the tenderness, the care, the softness, the I get to
experience other things that life has to offer me, but
more importantly, I get to experience those parts that I
have to offer myself, because that's healing, and that's self trust,
(33:15):
and that's two things existing at the same time. That's duality,
that's light and shadow. That's what goes up must come down.
That's gravity, that's balance. Maybe. So I just wanted to
give you guys that today I'm gonna go now, Okay,
(33:35):
I'm gonna go. So I hope that this inspires you
in some way, shape or form. And in case nobody
told you all today, because I feel like so many
of y'all don't get told this. So I'm gonna say
it to you. No matter what your circumstances, no matter
what you're doing, I'm proud of you. Life is Life
(34:02):
is motherfucker Charlotte's Web. Life is so delicate and yet
at the same time so strong, and these two extremes.
Often we get caught in the middle of them, or
we get caught on one end of it then the other.
(34:25):
And I think we all, especially as women, so many
of us, just we forget to tell ourselves that we're
proud of ourselves when we forget to tell other women
that we're proud of them too. And every woman that
I say that I'm proud of she tears up. I
tell my clients probably at the end of every session,
(34:45):
I'm like, yeah, I'm proud of you, and all of
them they get tearri eyed, and it, you know, it
makes me a tei eyed because it reminds me that
so many women don't hear that because we're always expected
to be on go mode, and then we've internalized that
expectation so much that we expected from ourselves too. Now
(35:08):
it's our own expectations of ourselves. And it's like, nah,
go stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself
that you're proud of yourself. But also I'll tell you, so, okay,
that is it. That is all. I'm gonna go now
because I've run out of time, and of course I'm
(35:29):
gonna be late, because what else is new. I'm gonna
be laughed to go somewhere I'm gonna be late. But
before I go listen, hey, I went to so okay
you oh sad mushi moment? Okay, warm mushie, so sweet? Okay,
everybody web their eyes all right, now that's enough, wrap
it up. So I okay, I found two because you know,
(35:51):
I don't have an intro anymore, because I've been waiting
to find I lost my I lost my old intro music, motherfuck.
And so so I've been trying to find new intro music.
And I found these two tracks that I really love.
And I'm having a hard time like choosing between number
one and number two. So I thought we could play
a little game. Here it goes. We're gonna play the
(36:13):
which one should I choose for the intro? Okay, number
one or number two? Please find me somewhere and vote
number one and number two. Just I don't drop it
on the Crimson Kiss in the comments of like my
most recent post. Uh, that's pretty much the only place
you like. Find me somewhere, that's the place. So yeah,
(36:33):
just let me know that you're from the pod and
just be like number one and number two, okay, and okay,
we'll tally them up. So this is I think it's
not full blast. Okay, this is number one?
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Are you ready?
Speaker 1 (37:05):
Do we like it? I really like this one. So
I don't know if you guys always about me, but
I really like house music, and like I like all,
I'm very I like all kinds of music, but I
really like house music. And I think it's because I
get to dance. I really like to dance, and there's
house music. Not all house music, though, some house music
I'm like, Okay, you're doing a little bit too much,
and maybe that's called something else. Maybe it's not even
house music at all. I don't know, but I like
(37:27):
these kind of beats that make me like I like that. Okay. Anyways,
so there's that one, and then there's this one. I
really love this one. Okay, here's the second one. Here
we go running, Okay, do you see my dilemma. Okay,
(37:54):
I'm gona plan number one again for you guys. Okay,
we're gonna get a little bit fresher. Let's pull up
pre wine and select that. Okay, all right, here we go.
Let me turn it up a little bit more so
you guys can hear it to Okay, here, hey, okay,
(38:32):
and now here comes number two. For your refresher. Ready,
here we go.
Speaker 5 (38:37):
Hey, okay, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Okay, so number one or number two? You see? The
thing with number two is because she's talking, and how
am I gonna sit that in the intro? She's like,
what am I gonna like? She's talking in the middle
of my intro? I don't know. What's just you know,
I welcome back to my episode of I can't Maybe
this could be the ending. Okay, we'll be here all day.
(39:22):
I gotta go. So anyways, you guys, let me know
number one or number two? Maybe I could use both.
Maybe number one can be the actual intro and then
number two could be the otro maybe maybe, Okay, anyways,
I appreciate you guys. Man, I I appreciate you. You know what,
(39:45):
Let's try it as an outra right now since I'm leaving. Okay,
hold on, there's d Okay. I appreciate you guys so much. No, see,
I can't use it. I'm shy.
Speaker 4 (39:56):
Now how did I get shy because about the spot? Anyways, ladies,
I appreciate y'all. I hope that today's message helped you
in some way, shape or form. I have a good
rest of your morning's, evenings, afternoons, or the fuck of
you are in the world. Please be safe, use condoms,
trust your intuition, and use your discernment, and I will
catch y'all back here at another time.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Okay, much love, go be great.
So this is not going to be a long episode today. Well,
I say that, and then I say that, and then
fifty minutes later, I'm still fucking talking. But with the intent.
The intent is not for it to be a long
episode today. I just wanted to come on here quickly.
One because it's been a while since I've been on.
But also two, I saw something today that was so
(00:22):
in line with how I was feeling this morning. And
I feel like it's been a while since we've had
or I've done. Rather is that the police. I don't understand.
How comes every time I'm recording there's some type of
something happening and that about ground Man, Can I get
a break like a kit kat? Oh my gosh. Anyways,
(00:43):
so I see something there was in alignment with how
I was feeling this morning. So I opened up my
Instagram today and the first the first thing in my
face was this quote. And it's from a page called
writers would shout out to them because they must have
you know how hard it is to get a username,
(01:03):
that's just one word. They must have started their page
in fucking twenty ten, in the beginning of Instagram because
its good for them. But anyways, I digress. So the
post says you're allowed to be proud of weird little
winds like drinking water before coffee, like not texting someone
who made your soul feel small, like folding the laundry
(01:25):
even though it's sat there for three business days. That
may part me be left because I always say business days.
Your life doesn't need to be impressive to be worth celebrating.
Let the small things count too. And I just feel
like we could all use a reminder of this last line.
(01:47):
Your life doesn't need to be impressive. And I would
add actually to other people to be worth celebrating, let
the small things count to. So this morning, and you
guys know my You guys know my story with like
working out in the gym and and like eat the
gym and the gym and eating and you know, and
(02:11):
so today I went to the So several things happened today.
So normally I go to the When I do go
to the gym, I go at five. I try to
get there. I wake up at five, I try to
get there between like five twenty five thirty. And the
reason for this is because so I have a there's
(02:33):
an app. My gym has an app, and you can
see in real time how many people are in the gym, right,
And I fucking love it. Kyle like to go to
the gym when there's a lot of people. I'm not,
I'm out with the shits. I don't wan like to
be there when I'm just like full of people. I don't.
I don't like it. So I try to go at
the times when there's no one there, and five thirty
in the morning is perfect. There's like three people in there,
(02:53):
and I'm like, yeah, I love that for me. But
the last several days I have been waking up really late.
Bentley has an fortunately, has had a very very difficult time.
He unfortunately has been very ill. His epilepsy has taken
a turn. But he's okay, he's okay, We're okay where
everything's okay. But it's just been a it's been a
(03:16):
very very emotionally difficult week. So as a result, I've
had a lot of anxiety about leaving him period. Right.
He also developed like hotspots around his neck because he
had to be hospitalized and so they put a cone
on him and it was a whole fucking thing. So
I've had to like tend to his well. Anyways, Bro
it's just spin. Okay, it's just spin. So for the
(03:40):
last week and some change, I haven't been going to
the gym, which pissed me off a little bit because
because I'm paying for it. Because I'm paying for it,
and it's also a kind of catchwy too of like
how life like you know, you just you make a decision, Okay,
I'm gonna start doing X y Z, and it's like
the universe is like, are you well, I throw a
curveball in there and see if you're still going to
(04:02):
do X y Z, And then here comes the curveball
and you're just like what for, Like like why are
you doing this?
Speaker 2 (04:08):
You know?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
And then deep down inside you're like, yeah, everything happens
for a reason. Yeah, but you know, you're just like,
what the fuck even is this? So for the last
week and some change a little bit longer than that,
I've had a lot of anxiety about leaving Bentley alone,
and I just won't leave aside, and eventually I had
to talk myself into the reality that like, okay, I can't.
(04:29):
I can't live like that this right, Like He's going
to be okay, Everything's going to be okay, Like he's
all right, he's better now, he's doing better, he's doing
his best, right, So I'm like, everything's going to be okay.
So I've been waking up in the morning. My alarm's
been going off at five, and I've been shutting that
shit off, like and I'm tired. I'm exhausted, right, I'm
(04:50):
just exhausted. And so I will do my workouts at
home instead. I'll get up at like, you know whatever,
do I work out here instead at like seven or whatever.
Last night I said to myself, No, okay, bitch, going
to the gym tomorrow. Okay. Bentley's okay, Everything's gonna be okay.
We've decided it's all gonna be okay. We're going to
the gym tomorrow. God damn it. This morning, up five
(05:12):
and my alarm goes off. I cut that motherfuck off,
so fa stop. Like you know, I'm tired. I cut
that motherfuck off. I wake back up at six am.
I'm like, fuck Now, Bentley and I have a routine
where basically, so this is what it usually looks like.
So I go to the gym first, I come back,
I bade and then I grab Bentley and then we
(05:35):
go to the dog park for like thirty minutes so
we can hang out with his homies, run around, tire
his self out, and then we come back and then
I start work for the day, all right, And that
routine is important to me. Don't ask me why, it
just is and it just makes sense for me. So
I could start the day early, I could start eat it.
(05:57):
I can't explain it fully, but in my brain and
for my nervous system, it just makes sense. Okay. So
I wake up now and I'm like, well, I'm not
gonna have time what I I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna have time to do this in reverse. And then
two I was like, now there's gonna be a bunch
of people. Oh that's another thing too. So I have
(06:18):
to give Bentley his medication, one of one of his
medications at seven am. Bentley's on a concoction of sucking
pills right now, bro, Like it's actually insane, and I
have to give him to them several times throughout the day.
So like it's a whole system and a whole situation.
So my life really revolves around Bentley's schedule, his pill
schedule anyways, So I'm like, I'm not gonna have time
(06:39):
to do this, blah blah blah blah, and then I'm
still fearing leaving him alone. And this morning I said
to so, I get up and I'm like, I'm just
gonna give him his pills. We're gonna go to the
dog park and then I'm just gonna come home and
work out. And then I was like, no, no, we
can't like this. Something has to change. So I was like,
(07:02):
I'm going to go to the gym today. Right, We're
gonna do things in reverse. I'm going to wait until
seven am. I'm gonna give Bentley as pills. We're gonna
get in the motherfucking car. We're gonna go to the
we're gonna go to the dog park. We're gonna come back.
I'm gonna feed him. He's gonna be okay, he's gonna
(07:22):
lay down, and then I'm gonna go to the gym.
I don't care how many people are in there. And
I said that shakily. I was like, oh, I was like,
I don't care. How okay, let's say again, I don't
care how many people. I was like, that's too high,
stand firm. I don't care how many people are in there.
This is me talking to myself, true story out loud.
So I'm like, I could do this. So we do.
(07:44):
We go to the dog park this morning, come back,
feed Bentley and I'm like, okay. I look at the app.
I see that there's eleven people in the gym and
I'm like, no, oh gods. So I'm like, it's okay.
It's only eleven people. It's not like it's twenty five.
It's eleven people. It's okay. You're gonna be okay, girl.
(08:04):
This is I'm like literally coaching myself through this process
in real time. I'm like, it's okay, it's okay. Bentley's
looking at me like are you good. I'm looking at
him like no. So I'm like, everything's gonna be okay.
I'm like, and you're gonna be okay. I'm gonna leave.
You're gonna be safe. Nothing's gonna happen. It's okay. So
I change into my gym clothes, grab my water, grab
my AirPods. I'm like, whoo whoop, pull over that ass
(08:27):
too fat, let's go, and I do it. I go
to the gym and as I'm driving, I'm like, I
have anxiety. I'm like, oh my god, I'm my god,
I'm a god. I'm talking to Duane on the phone.
Duyne's like, I'm so proud of you, babe, blah blah
blah blah. I'm like yeah, no, I'm like yeah, like,
I'm proud of me too right now for doing this.
But I have some anxiety. I'm like, you know, So
(08:48):
he's just trying to talk me off. He's like, you know,
he's like, maybe there's eleven people. Okay, there's eleven people
in the gym right now, but you know, depending on
what you're doing, maybe you won't even see them right
Maybe they're in the back lift weights, remember, whatever the
case a be. So he's just trying to give me
different scenarios. So talk me off the fucking ledge. So
I'm like, okay. So I pull up at the gym
(09:08):
and I look in the window because it's a big
you know, you know, the big window in the front
where the treadmills are, so when you're on the treadwill
and you can look out the window, which I love.
Wind gems are like that. Ps. By the way, I
don't want to be staring at a motherfucking wall. There's
one gym. There's a couple of gyms in Montreal that
I really don't like it all. And that's another thing too.
I realized that one of my issues with the gym
(09:29):
was was the fact that I hated how they looked inside.
I can't like I'm gonna give you an example, so
I don't mean to slander anybody's gyms. These are just
my personal opinions, and my opinions only, thank you very much.
But in Montreal there are gems called oh my god,
what's the name of these fucking gems? They were yellow
(09:50):
with blue writing, Eco Fixed, ECOmax, Econos something something something,
and inside it makes me sick, like it looks like
a hospital.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Bro.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
The lights are like hospital lights. The fucking place is gray,
and then the equipment is like gray and yellow. It's
really ugly. I hate it. I don't feel good in there.
And I had gone a couple times with Dwayne last
year and I just I just didn't like it, and
I couldn't really figure it out. And then I found
my gym, which is so nice. It's all black, it's
(10:24):
black and purple, and inside is not hob hospital lights.
It's just a different vibe. Anyways, It's also more expensive.
I don't care. The point is, so I pull up
to the gym. Now see I digress. I pull up
to the gym, Pop in my AirPods, press play.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Ice Cube is like, dun't no no no, no no
no no, no no no, dunt dun dun't dun dun. Yeah, yeah,
you can do it. Put your back into it, don't stop,
get to get it. I'm like, you're right. It's like,
don't stop, get to get it. I said, that's right,
he said, do it.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Okay. So I'm walking into the gym. This is my
entry song. Okay. Now I walk into the gym, and
I realized right away that Dwayne was correct. All of
the eleven people who were in the gym were in
the back doing weights in the back, and so all
of the treadmills were free. And today I was doing treadmill,
(11:17):
and so I was like, okay that. So I positioned
myself on the treadmill whatever the kiss may be. And
I also decide today that I'm going to because I
have a plan, but I decide I'm going to up
the plan. I'm going to push myself a little bit more.
So I put the treadmill on like fat burner thinging whatever.
And I don't know if you guys know, but the
(11:39):
fat burner one. It goes in between inclines. So wherever
you're starting, like let's say you're starting out of I
don't know, a four point five incline, well it'll go
from like four point five and then like it's like
you're climbing a mountain, right, and then so the incline
will go about to like six point five, the highest incline,
and then it'll bring you back down to like five
and then four and then you know. So today I
(12:00):
was like, no, bitch, fuck, this four point five incline
shit goes up to only six point five. I'm like,
I'm gonna start my incline at six point five so
I could be at my highest at my intervals will
be at nine point five inclined, and I'm gonna go
four point five speed four point five for twenty minutes
(12:22):
and then for the I'm gonna work out for an hour.
I'm gonna do my tremill for an hour, and then
for the rest I'll do five speed five. And I
did that shit like I was on that motherfucking triadmill,
dripping sweat like I could ring my shirt. But to
be fair, every time I go to the gym, I
could ring my shirt. I'm one thing about me is
I'm a sweat. That's why I don't. I don't let
(12:43):
me say something sidebar to the my girl is to
go to the gym. What are you doing with your hair?
Because there is no way. I literally have to wash
my hair every day. It's insanity. I sweid so much
in my head top that like, oh, it makes me
sad sometimes because I can't press my hair no more.
(13:03):
I can't do nothings in my hair anymore, but wash
it every day and leave it how the fuck. It
is also sidebard for my curlies who have curly hair.
So I have okay, i'll tell you this at the end. No,
i'll tell you this right now. So my hair is
like it's two curl patterns, and well, I don't even
want to talk about curlats because people always start to fight.
But it's very tight. I have tight coils, but I
have a very very soft fine hair. But I will
(13:25):
very soft fine hair, but the coils are very tight.
And the other day I ran out of product and
so I was like, oh, well, motherfucker, and so I
had to let my hair air dry with just naked
nothing in it, and I discovered I was like, yo,
why is this banging? Though? My hair was so fluffy
(13:46):
and light and free and so defined and so pretty
and so all the things, and I was like, I
am my god, this is amazing. And so I started
to realize, like maybe my hair doesn't like products at all.
Maybe I don't need any products and I just needed
a really good conditioner and then let it do its thing,
and yeah, because and then how I knew that was
(14:06):
to be the fact. So I love my hair like
that for like three days. And then I'm just saying,
like I stopped putting products. I didn't buy any product
to put in my hair. And then I went out
and bought some products, and then I put some product
in my hair, and literally I was like, why does
my hair look like this? Like it's way down. It's
the fucking product. So I try it. I don't know
if you want to again, I have very very light hair,
very very very soft, soft hair, so you know, I
(14:28):
just want to share that with you. Anyways, what is this? Okay?
So I do my hour on my treadmill at this
incline and I'm so fucking proud of myself. I'm like,
I am like, you just killed that all right, because
(14:48):
never in my mind that I think that I was
going to do like Inoson I'm saying. And I was
so proud of myself. It's seven hundred and twenty seven calories, man, okay,
just poof gone, so proud of myself. And so I
I I come off the treadmill and I walked in
(15:11):
the car and I drink you know, seven bottles of water. No, no, no,
just too And I'm sitting in the car and I'm like,
girl to myself, I'm like, I'm so proud of you, Like,
I'm so proud of you. Not only did you overcome
this fear of going to the gym when there's people there,
(15:31):
you overcame that. You push yourself also today to do more,
push yourself to do more. You left Bentley right like
you decided that he was gonna be okay. You you
didn't you know, you know you you you left him
at home? You know you? You just conquered shit today,
Like and I just felt so so proud of myself.
(15:53):
So called Wayne, and I'm like, babe, it's like Bibbs
why go on, Biebs, I said, I did a thing.
He said, tell me boom what you do? What you
do Boom? I said, yep. So I told him whatever
the case may be. And I could hear him smiling
on the phone. He's like, I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4 (16:10):
My love.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
He's like, yo, keep it up, I see you. You're
doing so good. And I was like things. And while
it felt good to have the validation obviously from Doane,
the point was that I felt before Dune, I validated myself,
you know, And I was just I really gave myself
the props because I knew that I deserved it. And
here's the thing. I think that a lot of times,
(16:33):
and the reason why I'm sharing this story today is
to remind everybody. I think a lot of the times
when we look for somebody else to validate us before
we validate ourselves, and two we minimize our progress. Only
I know how difficult this is for me. Only I
know even if I tell y'all, it doesn't matter, right,
(16:53):
because I'm the only one who knows how truly difficult
this period of time has been for me. When I
comes to Bentley emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically right. So when
Bentley had his So Bentley basically last week he had
a cluster seizure. He had four. He had four in
(17:15):
the span of ten minutes. And I had to bring
him to the emergency room and I was by myself
and I had to so he lost his vision for
the he got it back, but in the moment he
had lost his vision, and so I had to carry
the dog. I don't think like I had to carry
the dog down the stairs into my car. Bentley is
(17:37):
a Saint Bernard, right, I'm by myself. I don't even
know how I did it. My mom was like that
that's the address. She's like, it's adrenaline, Like you're your
adrenaline was pumping through you, and you're like, yo, I
need to you know what I mean. That's the that's
the adrenaline, that's the mother instinct in you. That's the
I need to give my baby to safety, you know.
And so my back was hurting me. A couple of
(17:58):
days later, I was like, what the buck is this?
Why is my background of me doing It's like, I
don't know, maybe because you carry a dog to I'm
like right right, right right, like the weight of being
worried about him was consuming me. Just just so many,
just so many things. In the midst of it, we
have a teenager who's who's help, like help, what in
(18:22):
the we have a teenager who has gone rogue, Like
it's just so many, so many aspects of life is
just lifing. And then you know, my coping mechanism is
food is emotionally eating. You know. So I'm the only
one who knows how much it takes for me to
(18:47):
do something right, to change a pattern, or to make
a better choice, or to whatever the case may be. Right,
even if I explain it like yeah, like y'all are
listening right now. And for some of you guys who
don't struggle with it, you would be like, okay, well,
good job, we're patches off on the back, okay, cool, right.
Others of you guys who knows what it is too,
you're like, oh fuck, Like, yeah, I see you, girl,
I feel you, I understand you. Right, But even whatever
(19:09):
camp you're in, still the depth of it. Only I know, right,
because because I'm the one who's living it, And it's
no different for y'all. Right, if today you got out
of bed right and brush your teeth and wash your
(19:30):
face a little bit easier than it took for you
yesterday and the day before. That's a fucking win. Only
you know how difficult it's been for you to get
out of bed the past couple of whatever days, whatever
the case may be, for whatever the fuck is going
on in your life. Somebody on the o side, looking
in caud be like, okay, girl, it's just literally getting
out of bed. It's not that serious, But for you
it is, because you're the only one who knows what
(19:53):
it's took for you to do that right. For someone else,
you finally block that one person you know, and someone
on the other side could be like, okay, girl, congratulation
you blocked a dude with the penis cool, cool, cool,
cool like rags. But for you, only you know how
(20:16):
how what it took for you to do that right,
and how proud you are of yourself for finally doing
that right. And it's important for all of us too
to make a big deal if for no if nobody else,
but just for ourselves of how proud we are for
(20:36):
those small, little and like the post said, even sometimes
weird wins because because they're personal. This is why so
many aspects of our lives are not meant to be
shared on social media, right. So many things are not
meant to be given to social media because it's very
easy for you to be really proud of something that's
(20:58):
small for someone else but big for you. And if
you're not in a place in your life where you
can brush some shit off your shoulders and be like whatever,
fuck you miserable bits right, like, the comments will get
to you, right, somebody in your comments being like, okay, girl,
big deal, I do that every day, or somebody coming
in and being like, so, for example, maybe for you,
the fact that you walked four thousand steps today is
(21:19):
a big fucking deal because you walk twelve normally, right,
And then here comes someone else and you post your
victory and you know it's a little win for someone else,
but for you it's a big win. So you post
a air quote little victory, right, and someone in the
comment session like, girl, I said four o K, Like
talk to me when you get up to twelve and
(21:40):
you're like, okay, right, and now all of a sudden
you feel like shit. But something that you just felt
really good about you just sound what I'm saying now,
All of a sudden, somebody hijacked your emotional win. Somebody
hijacked that energy that you were in that would have
carried you till the next day. Right, it would have
(22:01):
carried you to the next day, but not because that
person said that. And again because you're just not in
a place where you know you can be like, oh
fuck you block. Right the next day, you think to yourself,
what's the point of doing four k, like four k steps,
Like I might as well just not do anything at
all because I can't do twelve k or da da
da da da da da da da da, Right, And
then you talk yourself out of work walking an extra
(22:23):
you know, or walking that four thousand steps and adding
on an extra fifty. You know, there's so many parts
of our lives that we're very careless with, and I
just want to remind people one about, you know, celebrating
your little wins and your small wins and your big wins,
but also to kind of reeling it in a bit.
Not everything has to be shared, you know. I mentioned
(22:46):
I purposely mentioned me calling Dwayne and getting excited and
him validating me because I wanted to show you that
first it came from me. It came from me first, right,
that it was genuine excitement for me first, And I
only shared it with somebody who I knew. I knew
who is the closest person to me, and who sees
(23:11):
who sees my struggle, who sees me, you know, getting
knocked down and getting back up and getting back up
and getting back up. I'm going to get emotional. God, Right,
he sees me, and he does everything he can to
help me too, Right, But he has front row seats,
so he's probably the only other person who knows what
(23:35):
has taken for me and what it continues to take
for me. Right, But me validating myself has to be first, right,
And so you validating yourself has to be first. And
if you want to share it, please share it with somebody,
one person who you know, without a shadow of a doubt,
is going to be so happy for you. Who's going
(23:58):
to want to celebrate you, who's going to want to
make a big deal about it with you, for you,
because of you? Right, we have to be very very mindful.
That's why for a lot of things I pull back.
That's why I don't even have a foken profile picture
on my page no more. I don't even show them
it's very you know, yes, because I I there's just
(24:20):
a lot of things that I'm drawing back on. Man, Like,
you know, not every we're not meant to Strangers are
not meant to consume every single part of us in
this way. Like it's absolutely nuts, it's crazy, and I
too got swept up in it for some time and
not I'm pulling myself back. But I digress. I don't
know who needs to hear this today. But if you
(24:40):
did something or when you do something that's a that's
a win for you. Let it be that. Don't rob
yourself with that win. Don't say yeah, I did this,
but I still have so far to go, don't we don't.
We don't need the extra shit, You don't need the
extra on the end. You don't need a butt at
(25:01):
the end. You did it, period, point blank. I don't
care how far you have to go. Still, didn't you
make a step forward? That's it, that's it. Let yourself
be in that energy. You know. One of my ladies
she graduated today yesterday, shout to a lais she graduated.
We made a joke. She was like, oh, you know,
(25:22):
she's like, this is like my third graduation from from
as my client, and I was like, you know, just
think about it as like, you know, you came into elementary,
high school, you know, or you know, you graduated from elementary,
you graduated from from high school, and then when you
come back, you'll be in university and graduate from there.
Because she was like, I'm back, you know, I'm like,
(25:42):
have the summer off, right, And we started laughing. I'm like,
how the summer off? And then when you start the
new semester, the new school year, you'll be in university.
But I was telling her just how proud I was
of her because I have literally watched her transform like
I do all of my ladies. I'm so fucking proud,
you know. And I think Hilarius has been with me
for maybe home I want to say two years. I
(26:06):
could be a year and a half though, but I
want to say two years, two years, And you know,
I just I've watched her transform and and you know,
she's at a pivotal point in her life now where
she's there are things that she says no to now
that before two years ago, that she would have said
(26:28):
yes to. And that alone, that alone is something so
profound and is worth celebrating. Is very worth being, Like, yo,
look at me, Look at how far I've come, Never
mind how much further you got to go, right, Like,
look at how far I've come, All because I stayed disciplined,
All because I did my work, All because I stayed consistent. Yes,
(26:51):
sometimes I fell off the wagon. Yes, sometimes I took
two steps in life pushed me back, but I got
back up, and I decided I'm not going to quit
on myself. And because of all the times that I
got back up, even in the face of the wind,
who was trying to send me to mofuck a whole
other country and shit with the wind blow on them
in face and send me somewhere else, Like you know
what I mean, push me back so far that I'm
on the edge of an island, Like hello, Hello, Wilson,
(27:16):
willsith Ah. You gotta know where that's from. Some of
you guys want It's not my job to explain it
and digress. Right, The point is that you stuck to
it and you got back up and you kept going.
And that is something to be proud of. That is
(27:37):
something to be so proud of. And that's something that
I see in my clients all the time. Right, I
always tell them it's not about getting shit perfect. This
is not full proof work. It's about being able to
realize the certain behaviors that you're doing now, an old
version of you would never do them, and that's how
(27:58):
you were getting yourself in hot water, right, And now
you're like, no, I don't move that way anymore. Yes,
there's still some kings that I'm working on in between,
but at least I'm not where I was. At least
I'm not where I was. I'm so far from where
I was, and that's a that's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 4 (28:19):
You know.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
I work with these ladies so closely, and I like
I should be recording some of these sessions at least
like their first ones, and then like the middle one,
and then, you know, so they can really see how
far they like. I know they see it, but I
see it through a different lens, and I'm just I'm
in awe and I'm constantly reminded of what you can
(28:44):
really do when you just continue putting one foot in
front of the other, and even if it's you know,
like I A would say, you know, some days you
gotta crawl, man, Just put one in front of the other, girl,
one one in front of the other, even if you
got to cry while you're doing it. You can cry
and walk at the same time. You can chew up
my walk at the same time. You can cry and
walk at the same time. You can Ryan crawl at
the same time. You can do two things the same
motherfucking time. But move, you know, but move, decide, make
(29:07):
a decision for yourself, and then be proud of yourself.
It's okay if you have setbacks, It's part of fucking life, man.
But you can course correct. You can come back from
that setback. A setback doesn't mean you fell back. A
setback doesn't mean full stop. You can always come back
from a setback, a minor setback for a bigger comeback.
And it is that what I'm saying. See, I said
(29:28):
this episode wasn't gonna be long, and we were already
motherfucking twenty nine minutes and thirty one seconds in Jesus
be a fence anyways. So this is everybody's a reminder
today to celebrate yourself and make a big deal just
like you would for a child. Good job, so good right,
(29:52):
you need to do it for yourself too. Did I
already talk about this a little bit in another episode,
I feel like I'm having a dijo vu. I probably did,
but maybe we just needed a reminder. Oh gosh, I
feel like I feel like I said exactly that. Am
I crazy? Yeah, it's okay. I think this is a
big reason why myself, I don't think. I know that
(30:16):
there's a It's a big reason why for myself, I don't.
I tend not to when people come to me with
their SOB stories, I don't feel bad. Ninety five percent
of the time I am thinking to myself, okay, and
what are like, what do you want to do about it?
What are you doing about this situation? Right? And when
(30:38):
I say SOB stories, I don't mean something that's actually,
you know, I'm talking about a victim mindset maybe where
people add sauce on their stories and it's you know
what I'm you know what I'm saying, a SOB story,
bro Right. A lot of the times I I just like, Okay,
(31:00):
go fucking do something about it then, right, Because because
my mindset is life cannot beat me. That's crazy. My
mindset is, no matter how hard shit gets and fucks,
you know, sometimes things get very very hard on this side,
(31:21):
I cannot let that win. Thank you. I need I
will figure it out. I don't know how, I don't
know when, don't know where, but I will figure it out.
That's my one belief is that I will figure it out.
Because if life wins, then then what am I? What
is there for me to What is there for me
(31:43):
to experience anymore like I've just surrendered myself to or
I've I've I've settled for mediocracy, or I've settled for
for bare minimum, or I've settled you know what? Fuck
all that foo all these words I've said for the
worst parts of life. When I could get back up
(32:05):
and continue to push myself to experience the better parts
of life, I don't. I don't want to. I don't
want to just experience the bad parts of life. Bro,
That's not what I want for myself. I don't want
to just just experience pain, heartbreak, suffering, struggle, pain, heartbreak, suffering, struggle, tears, tears, tears.
(32:27):
I don't want that heavy chest. I don't want that
for myself. I I I've I've experienced enough of that
in my life, right And while there are still moments
in my life where I experience those things, there are
now more moments in my life where I experience the
other end of it, the opposite, the happiness, the joy, joy,
(32:48):
pump it up, pump it up right, the laughter, the love,
the tenderness, the care, the softness, the I get to
experience other things that life has to offer me, but
more importantly, I get to experience those parts that I
have to offer myself, because that's healing, and that's self trust,
(33:15):
and that's two things existing at the same time. That's duality,
that's light and shadow. That's what goes up must come down.
That's gravity, that's balance. Maybe. So I just wanted to
give you guys that today I'm gonna go now, Okay,
(33:35):
I'm gonna go. So I hope that this inspires you
in some way, shape or form. And in case nobody
told you all today, because I feel like so many
of y'all don't get told this. So I'm gonna say
it to you. No matter what your circumstances, no matter
what you're doing, I'm proud of you. Life is Life
(34:02):
is motherfucker Charlotte's Web. Life is so delicate and yet
at the same time so strong, and these two extremes.
Often we get caught in the middle of them, or
we get caught on one end of it then the other.
(34:25):
And I think we all, especially as women, so many
of us, just we forget to tell ourselves that we're
proud of ourselves when we forget to tell other women
that we're proud of them too. And every woman that
I say that I'm proud of she tears up. I
tell my clients probably at the end of every session,
(34:45):
I'm like, yeah, I'm proud of you, and all of
them they get tearri eyed, and it, you know, it
makes me a tei eyed because it reminds me that
so many women don't hear that because we're always expected
to be on go mode, and then we've internalized that
expectation so much that we expected from ourselves too. Now
(35:08):
it's our own expectations of ourselves. And it's like, nah,
go stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself
that you're proud of yourself. But also I'll tell you, so, okay,
that is it. That is all. I'm gonna go now
because I've run out of time, and of course I'm
(35:29):
gonna be late, because what else is new. I'm gonna
be laughed to go somewhere I'm gonna be late. But
before I go listen, hey, I went to so okay
you oh sad mushi moment? Okay, warm mushie, so sweet? Okay,
everybody web their eyes all right, now that's enough, wrap
it up. So I okay, I found two because you know,
(35:51):
I don't have an intro anymore, because I've been waiting
to find I lost my I lost my old intro music, motherfuck.
And so so I've been trying to find new intro music.
And I found these two tracks that I really love.
And I'm having a hard time like choosing between number
one and number two. So I thought we could play
a little game. Here it goes. We're gonna play the
(36:13):
which one should I choose for the intro? Okay, number
one or number two? Please find me somewhere and vote
number one and number two. Just I don't drop it
on the Crimson Kiss in the comments of like my
most recent post. Uh, that's pretty much the only place
you like. Find me somewhere, that's the place. So yeah,
(36:33):
just let me know that you're from the pod and
just be like number one and number two, okay, and okay,
we'll tally them up. So this is I think it's
not full blast. Okay, this is number one?
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Are you ready?
Speaker 1 (37:05):
Do we like it? I really like this one. So
I don't know if you guys always about me, but
I really like house music, and like I like all,
I'm very I like all kinds of music, but I
really like house music. And I think it's because I
get to dance. I really like to dance, and there's
house music. Not all house music, though, some house music
I'm like, Okay, you're doing a little bit too much,
and maybe that's called something else. Maybe it's not even
house music at all. I don't know, but I like
(37:27):
these kind of beats that make me like I like that. Okay. Anyways,
so there's that one, and then there's this one. I
really love this one. Okay, here's the second one. Here
we go running, Okay, do you see my dilemma. Okay,
(37:54):
I'm gona plan number one again for you guys. Okay,
we're gonna get a little bit fresher. Let's pull up
pre wine and select that. Okay, all right, here we go.
Let me turn it up a little bit more so
you guys can hear it to Okay, here, hey, okay,
(38:32):
and now here comes number two. For your refresher. Ready,
here we go.
Speaker 5 (38:37):
Hey, okay, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Okay, so number one or number two? You see? The
thing with number two is because she's talking, and how
am I gonna sit that in the intro? She's like,
what am I gonna like? She's talking in the middle
of my intro? I don't know. What's just you know,
I welcome back to my episode of I can't Maybe
this could be the ending. Okay, we'll be here all day.
(39:22):
I gotta go. So anyways, you guys, let me know
number one or number two? Maybe I could use both.
Maybe number one can be the actual intro and then
number two could be the otro maybe maybe, Okay, anyways,
I appreciate you guys. Man, I I appreciate you. You know what,
(39:45):
Let's try it as an outra right now since I'm leaving. Okay,
hold on, there's d Okay. I appreciate you guys so much. No, see,
I can't use it. I'm shy.
Speaker 4 (39:56):
Now how did I get shy because about the spot? Anyways, ladies,
I appreciate y'all. I hope that today's message helped you
in some way, shape or form. I have a good
rest of your morning's, evenings, afternoons, or the fuck of
you are in the world. Please be safe, use condoms,
trust your intuition, and use your discernment, and I will
catch y'all back here at another time.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Okay, much love, go be great.
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