Have You Been Rejecting Parts of Yourself?

This is a long episode, but a much needed one. I know it's going to help someone out there dive deeper into their own self-discovery journey, and that's the goal. Sending love! XO
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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is cc B, but most people just call
me B. I'm thirty nine years young. I've been through
a lot. I've also pulled myself through a lot. And
one day I got sick and tired of my own shit.
And that's the day when change started happening. I stopped
lying to myself and started getting painfully honest with myself.
But it was only painful because I had been lying

(00:21):
to myself for so long. About nine or ten years ago, now,
give or take, I started writing books about my journey
through my toxic relationships and how I got out of
them and then stayed out of them by building a
healthy relationship with myself. So there's nothing that I say
on this podcast that I haven't already had to say
to myself at some point in time, and yes, in

(00:42):
the exact same tone as I say it here. So
if you are sensitive to honesty, girl, this is not
the place for you to be. I don't sugarcoat ship
for myself, so I'm not doing it for anyone else. Besides,
how are you going to be more offended by another
woman being honest with you, telling you the truth than
you are by the man or men who lied to you?

(01:03):
Every day and treat you like shit? Who forgot finish
your plate? What up?

Speaker 2 (01:17):
Booz? Is your girl?

Speaker 1 (01:18):
Be? And Welcome back to another episode of the Sketches
Together Podcast. I hope that you guys are having a
great day today. I hope that you woke up feeling
revived and rejuvenated with faith that everything that you spoke
about with your spirit team the night before is being
worked out for you in the background, somehow, some way.
But please remember, you've got to help your spirit team help.

Speaker 2 (01:39):
You, all right.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
That means you got to put yourself in the position
to get the things that you want and needs the
trust nace dot chest, because that's right. Even the person
who wishes to win the lottery knows that they've got
to play the numbers. It is currently nine seventeen am
here and it's actually really nice outside Montreal, Canada.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
It is Halloween.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
Happy Halloween to those of y'all who celebrated, And even
if you don't, well, I guess, happy day, Oh happy Day.
On today's episode, we're gonna be talking about rejection, but
parts of you that you're rejecting, Okay, So go get
a snack, juice box or a glass of wine. Hey,

(02:18):
put your sugars to a sad so you've got rooms,
open up your mind, and let's get into the episode.
Shelley the way, I'm still fighting for my life with

(02:40):
my voice. I don't even know. Oh, like, who is this?

Speaker 2 (02:44):
Who is voice?

Speaker 1 (02:45):
Is this? Is it?

Speaker 2 (02:45):
Oz? It's not mine? Anyways, I struggled through that intro.

Speaker 1 (02:50):
It was like, hello, it's me. It's good like fuck anyways,
what up, ladies? Sometimes gentlemen.

Speaker 2 (02:58):
High high Hi.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
So I was thinking I was doing some my morning pages,
you know, I was doing some writing this morning, and
I was thinking to myself, you know what, I'm going
to share this, and I shared a little bit on
my Instagram, the choral kiss, the dot dot kiss. Okay, Okay,

(03:21):
I shared a little bit over there. But I actually
wanted to dive a little bit deeper into it because
I think that it's important and I think that it
can no, I know that it can help somebody else
out there. So I think I mentioned this before maybe
last episode, but nonetheless, we're just still going to dive
a little bit deeper into it. Lately, I've really been

(03:44):
you know what, let me let me read the post
so I don't have to let me read what I wrote,
so I wrote. Lately, I've been rediscovering myself by taking
deep dives into my birth chart, my life path number five,
and more recently, thanks to one of my clients, my
Human Design chart. And it's been a trip. I've gotten

(04:06):
so many confirmations about who I am and why I
am the way that I am, and many of those
confirmations have come with more inner work for me to do.
You see, I thought I had done most of my
self acceptance and boundary work, but then on my deep dive,
no matter where I turned, I kept getting met with
variations of these two sentences. One, people gravitate towards you

(04:29):
because you're a natural healer. Two, your life mission is
to help guide people towards the highest versions of themselves.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
Ruh.

Speaker 1 (04:38):
I know to some that shit sounds nice on the surface,
but for me, my fists bawled up by my sides
like I was Arthur because I am tired. For about
two years, I have loki been trying to escape this rule.
There was resentment growing inside of me that I couldn't shake,
and because I'm not someone who typically holds grudges or resentment,

(04:58):
it started making me emiltionally sick, and now I'm able
to see that was a big part of what led
to my burnout. Resentment towards anything or anyone comes from
a lack of boundaries. I know that shit. I teach
that for a living, but for some reason I missed
the connection when it came to my work slash calling,
slash mission and how I was working proof that inner

(05:21):
work is a lifelong thing. Lately, I've been rediscovering myself
by taking deep dives into my birth chart, my life
path number, and my human design chart, and it's helping
me confirm, understand, and begin to accept things about myself
and my life's mission in way in a way that
I didn't know I needed. I'm grateful and maybe me

(05:42):
sharing this is the inspiration someone else needed to go
on a deep dive and rediscover themselves. Actually, I hope
it is much love be so so.

Speaker 2 (05:59):
In my I uh, just a lot to unpack.

Speaker 1 (06:02):
I'm gonna unpack it, and I am unpacking this today
for this reason and hopes that it inspires someone else
to go and rediscover themselves. So at thirty nine years young,
thank you very much. Wait ps. By the way, I
think some of my episodes. Waitly, i've been saying I'm
thirty eight years old. I don't know why I think

(06:23):
some of them I've been saying that, and I'm like,
what the fuck I'm not.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
I'm thirty nine as fuck.

Speaker 1 (06:31):
But being thirty nine and approaching forty okay, great, yay, right,
I have been the last two years, I say, give
or take right, just really overwhelmed, and I have felt
myself just very tired and annoyed and just wanting to

(06:59):
run a way, to be honest, wanting to run away
from work really is what it is, right. And so
as a result, you know, I've taken y'all, I've taken
y'all on a journey with me. Unbeknownst to you, you
have come along for the ride where I have been

(07:19):
in front of everyone, trying new things right and impulsively
launching myself into new directions. Which that's actually something that
I do love about myself, because as crazy as IN
might look to other people, it is really something that

(07:41):
helps me bring me back to or recognize things that
I need to, you know, and bring me back to
myself or bring me to another version of myself that
I wouldn't.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
Have necessarily met.

Speaker 1 (07:54):
Had I not been like, all right, boom, we got
to start throwing it against the wall to see what sticks.

Speaker 2 (07:58):
Let's go. We like this, Let's try this, we like this,
Let's try this. Right.

Speaker 1 (08:01):
So, I actually I really like that about myself, but
I know it looks crazy to so many other people,
and sometimes I feel crazy doing it.

Speaker 2 (08:08):
Right, even though, like there's a duality to that.

Speaker 1 (08:11):
Right, even though it's something I like about myself and
I love about myself, I also sometimes feel crazy doing it.
But I am living my life out loud, and which
is something that.

Speaker 2 (08:23):
Is pretty profound.

Speaker 1 (08:24):
Like on the surface, you hear, okay, living your life
out loud, okay, cool, but when you're actually doing it
and you recognize that you're doing it, especially when I
come from a place where I have lived a lot
of my life inwardly, let me explain. So, I've always
been and I've said this before, but we're going to
say it again for the purpose of the episode. I've
always been very much more on the introverted side. And

(08:47):
there's a lot of parts of me that I've kept
within me because one, I was really scared of rejection,
really scared of rejection, which eternally. You know, I didn't
realize there was a rejection time. But what it was
is I was afraid people wouldn't understand, and I was
afraid people would look at me like I was crazy,
and I would afraid.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
I was afraid that.

Speaker 1 (09:09):
People wouldn't accept me right, and acceptance has been a
big part of my journey through childhood, through my teenage years,
and a lot of my twenties, and mostly a lot
of it was because what I thought it was because
of for the most part, was because of I didn't
have my dad, right, and so here I am in

(09:31):
this app.

Speaker 2 (09:31):
Like my brothers.

Speaker 1 (09:32):
So my mom, you know, she remarried, She remarried, she
was never married in the first place, but she went
on and met a new dude, and he was white.
And then came my two younger brothers who came out
blonde hair, blue eyes, right, one blonde hair, blue eyes
and like crystal blue eyes and the other one blonde hair,

(09:54):
hazel eyes, right, same as with my mom.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
And then there was me.

Speaker 1 (09:59):
Okay, and that's how I always that's literally how I
always thought of myself when I would look at family pictures.
And then there was me, the literal black sheep of
the family. And always you can think, both metaphorically and literally,
looking at the family picture, the black sheep of the family. Okay,
this brown skin, brown eyes, big ass brown curly hair

(10:23):
that nobody knew what the fuck to do with it? Right,
And I didn't have for a lot of my life
the other side of me. Do you understand I'm saying? So,
am I getting emotional?

Speaker 2 (10:34):
Stop? Just let's get to stop. Fuck, just stop.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
So A big part of my life had been spent
looking in the mirror and seeing so recognizing some of
my mom right. But then the other part when I
looked in the mirror was a stranger. I had these features,
I had these tendencies, I had these mannerisms that I

(11:00):
couldn't trace back to anybody.

Speaker 2 (11:03):
And it was hard.

Speaker 1 (11:04):
And I don't I think that people minimize the difficulties
that a child goes through when they are missing an
entire half of their family, you see, right, I think
that people really minimize how it feels to look in
the mirror and and and be like a part of
you is a stranger. You have nothing to trace it

(11:27):
back to you. You have no familiar, familiar familiality. Bitch,
you know what the fuck I'm trying to say. I'm
not doing this today. I'm still trying to recover from
being sick, okay, right. And it is something that you
just have to live with. You you understand, you have
to live with it. But in your quietest moments, when
it's just you and the mirror, it's sad. It's sad

(11:54):
and it's hard, and it is what it is.

Speaker 2 (11:58):
Right.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
And so I spent a lot of my life one
feeling like a stranger to myself. Right when I looked
around and looked at my family, I just I was like, okay.

Speaker 2 (12:15):
You know what I mean too. I had these gifts
that I knew that I had.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
I had these abilities, and I didn't know how to
I kept them inside because I was this, I sound crazy.
I'm going to sound They're gonna put me in a
fucking straight jacket. I sound crazy, right, So, these spiritual gifts,
these innate knowings, these innate understandings, and one thing I

(12:44):
had since I was very very young. I remember it
like it was yesterday, five years old. I have an
ability to read the room. I have an ability to
read people in it like that, Right, And as I
started getting older, this ability to read people was very

(13:06):
frustrating to me because even though I could read danger,
let's just say, I would still walk into it most
I'm still walk you know what I mean, especially when
I started dating, like I started getting older. I would
be able to read a man for his danger, for
his inability to love, for his inability to this, for

(13:28):
all of his inabilities, and I would still be liked.
I'm walking, yes, indeed, and I would walk towards him
with open arms. And it was so frustrating. But I
started to realize that a big part of the reason
why I did that is because I didn't trust my
ability to read.

Speaker 2 (13:44):
Does that make sense. I knew I was able to
do it. I knew I did it.

Speaker 1 (13:47):
I knew I was always on the money, but I
didn't trust it because I never really I think because.

Speaker 2 (13:56):
Because I thought I was weird. That's simply put.

Speaker 1 (14:00):
Okay, I thought it was weird, and I didn't have
anybody around me I guess to be able to connect to,
or I didn't hear anybody else opening up about it.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
That's my conversations are so important.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
But I didn't hear anybody else opening about it, opening
up about it, so I just kept those things inside.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
Right.

Speaker 1 (14:22):
So, another thing that would happen since I was five
years old is that people would seek me out to
tell me their problems, okay, confide in me. And I
remember the first person who ever did it was my mom. Right,
She's the first person to ever give me her problems,
like talk about what's going on, and me, my little

(14:45):
five year old self being like, okay, this is being
able to attune to my mom, attuned to what she needed,
be able to hold space at five years old.

Speaker 2 (14:57):
This is nuts.

Speaker 1 (14:57):
Okay, five years old, be able to hold space for
these really really big, big emotions that I myself, yet
at five years old didn't you know, so I don't
know what that's like, you know, but was able to absorb, transmute,
and give my mom what she needed at the time.

Speaker 2 (15:17):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (15:19):
This is something that has followed me through my entire life.
And no matter where I turn right, somebody is gravitating
towards me. Okay, somebody's gravitating towards me looking for help.

(15:41):
And there was a I think a lot of my
you know, early twenties where I kind of just maybe
ego based where I was like, all right, you know
what I mean, you know, you come into me, and
you know, because I'd be knowing you know what I mean,
And that's natural and normal when you're this guy who
you are and life, you know what I mean, you

(16:03):
operate a lot out of your ego. And then I think,
somewhere as I started to step into my own womanhood,
which was probably twenty seven, twenty eight years old. I
know y'all think that you'd be stepping into your womanhood
at twenty one, but you ain't. But anyways, twenty seven,
twenty eight years old, started stepping into my womanhood and

(16:25):
that people gravitating towards me. As I start stepping into
my womanhood and my spiritual connection right my spiritualness, people
gravitating towards me. I started to realize that this was
bigger than this wasn't about this wasn't just about advice,
This wasn't just about knowing. This was bigger than me.
This was way bigger than me. And I started to

(16:46):
realize that. It started to become more and more clear
that it was way fucking bigger than me, and I
did accept it spiritually wise, I accepted it. And then
somewhere along the way, I started to I started to
go in and out of resentment for it, right, And
it started off as slow pockets of resentment, but then

(17:08):
it became like over the last two years, I was like, hey,
get the fuck away from me. But I'll get to
that in a second. Let me not fast forward so
in and out of resentment. But when I wasn't in
these small pockets of resentment right, the way people gravitated
towards me would be in the most instant like So

(17:30):
one story, that one one instance that always sticks out
in my mind, and I think it's gonna I think
I'm gonna carry it forever, because I think sometimes not not.
I think I still wonder sometimes about this girl and
if she's okay and if she made it out. But
I was in Toronto one year and I was staying
at the King West Hotel. That's usually the place I
like to stay when I'm in Toronto because it's just

(17:51):
easy whatever, and I like it, and I get treated
well there and.

Speaker 2 (17:56):
I know the staff.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
It doesn't matter so well I used to anyways, who cares?
So staying at the King West Hotel in Toronto, and
if you're from Toronto or you're from Canada, you're gonna
understand what. You're gonna see the picture right now, but
if you're not, I'm gonna describe it.

Speaker 2 (18:12):
So I smoke.

Speaker 1 (18:13):
And in the morning there's no balcony. There's no balcony
in my room. So in the morning, early in the morning,
I would come downstairs. I would go get a coffee,
a medium double double, and I would go sit right
beside the King Hotel, the King West Hotel. There's a bank, right,

(18:34):
and the bank is like one of those it has
these grand steps. You got to walk up first, you know,
and then there's a platform and then more steps and
then you get to the doors of the bank, right.
So I would sit on the steps in the summertime,
I would sit on the steps of this bank and

(18:54):
you know, smoke, have my morning smokes, smokes and my
coffee and I would just sit and just have the
morning because that's my routine anyways. And so one morning
I'm sitting out there and I'm smoking, having my coffee,
and I peep that there is a girl across the street. Okay,

(19:17):
she's across the street and she's kind of leaning up
against the pole that's across the street.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
So I peep her.

Speaker 1 (19:23):
But you know.

Speaker 2 (19:24):
I'm in my phone and I'm just doing my thing.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
I look up again, and in my peripheral I see
her kind of move closer towards towards the other pole.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
And so.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
I note it and I continue mine and my motherfucking business.
Maybe like three, not even two minutes later, she crosses
the street and she sits on the steps, the same
steps that I'm sitting on, but she's a little bit
further from me, and I'm thinking.

Speaker 2 (19:53):
To myself, fuck fuck. She's like because.

Speaker 1 (20:00):
Innately, I know that she's going to make her way.
I don't tell me, don't ask me how. I just
know that she's going to make her way beside me,
and she's going to talk. I just I just know it,
and that she has a problem. Okay, I'm still in
my phone, whatever the case may be, don't you know it.
She ends up right beside me and she asks if

(20:24):
I have another cigarette. I say yeah, so I give
her a smoke and then she's crying, and I'm like, fuck,
like pink. So one thing you have to know about
me when people cry. Even though I'm a Pisces and
I'm a crying ass bitch, I never know what to do.
When people are crying. It's the most I don't even

(20:44):
know what to do right when people cry around me,
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh
no no, right, I don't know what to do. Do
you need a hug? I'm not really a hugger like that,
you know, like I can't really look to hug strangers.
That's a whole other there's reason for that as well.

Speaker 2 (21:04):
What do you need? Can I call somebody? I don't
fucking know. Do I ignore? I don't want to ignore you,
but you know what I mean, it's just the whole thing.

Speaker 1 (21:09):
Anyway, She's crying and I'm like, oh no, So I'm
thinking to myself, Okay, I'm gonna have to ask her
what's wrong. I can't just sit here. The girl's fucking
crying beside me, and that's inhumane. I can just be like, oh,
I'm just gonna ignore it. So then the other side
of me is like, girl, we are tid's look, it
is early in the morning. This isn't okay, we're not

(21:31):
working right now, we're off the clock. But then the
other side of me is like, you can't just leave
the girl crying. So finally I'm like, are you okay,
And she says no, it's just that up and I'm like,
oh no, no, just pouring her heart out. Long story short.

(21:51):
Come to find out she's a sex worker. She has
a pimp. She is nineteen. Okay, she's nineteen, or she's
either eighteen or nineteen in that she was young. Men,
let's just say eighteen, nineteen or twenty will fog you

(22:11):
with the age now, but I know that she was
young in that ballpark for sure.

Speaker 2 (22:15):
She has a kid. So she's literally telling me your
whole life story. Right, she has a kid.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
The kid is with her mom, had her mom as
custody because of the girl's lifestyle.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
She has a pimp. She works at she does in calls,
which is so she works at this motel. Right.

Speaker 1 (22:33):
Her pimp rents her room at this motel which is
like two two streets over from where we were, right,
and she basically is there all day and men come
to her I just you know, men come to her room.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Right.

Speaker 1 (22:48):
Her pimp calls rooms like, yo, you have a trick coming.
Men come to her room, do the thing, and then leave.
But she's in this hotel room or a motel room either,
because there's a difference between a motel in the hotel
in this hotel room all day long, and the motel
is like known for you know, you know, for for
a poetry, you know what I mean. So on this day,

(23:12):
I believe her pimp had left, had not left her
with enough money to eat or some shit something shew
something cigarette should have money to get cigarette something something.
So I end up taking her to the end up
talking to her. No, I end up talking to her
like on some big sis shit and just like holding

(23:34):
space for her, not judging her, not you know what
I mean, just holding space for her to talk. I
ended up telling her that I used to be a stirper, oh,
because that's what she asked me to. She was like,
do you She asked me if I was a working
She was like, uh, are you a working girl?

Speaker 2 (23:51):
And I was like, huh so mad wait excuse me.
I was so fucking offended. I was why am I work?
Am I wife girl?

Speaker 1 (24:00):
Because she'd asked me if I was working, if I
was outside smoking because I was working, you know, if
I was a sex girl?

Speaker 2 (24:06):
Like no.

Speaker 1 (24:07):
But then I was like, you know, told her, I said,
I used to be a dancer, So I understand the world,
not her world, because there is a line. While people
don't think, well, the line between stripping and you know,
hoeing for a lack of better words, it is, you know,
there's still a line. It's a very clear line, right,

(24:28):
and while other people think it's blurred, it's not.

Speaker 2 (24:30):
It's clear.

Speaker 1 (24:31):
So but it we're still part of the same world,
I would say, right in that sense, not exactly, but
you know, so.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
We're related. There we go.

Speaker 1 (24:42):
So I was looking for, right, So I tell her that,
you know, I used to be a dancer and did it,
so I understand certain elements of the game. Tell let
her know that I'm a lot older than her, whatever
the case may be. And I think that makes her
feel more comfortable, you know. So she talks even more
about her life and so on and so forth. Anyways,

(25:03):
some things are a little blurry now, like obviously the
whole conversation is a little blurry because it was some
time ago.

Speaker 2 (25:08):
But I digress.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
I end up taking her to get a pack of smokes.
I buy her a pack of smokes and then I
say to her, I'm like, yo, are you hungry? You know?
She says yes, and so I bring her inside the
hotel with me and I have breakfast with her. So
you know the hotel is now there's a continental breakfast,

(25:32):
whatever the case may be. I tell her to fill
up her plate, get whatever she wants, get whatever she wants,
and so no, no it's not a continental to breakfast
because I still had to pay for it. What was
the situation. Oh that's right. There was a breakfast and
then I had extras like whatever, there was still some

(25:53):
type of bill that came in. Then it doesn't matter.
I tell her to fill up a plate, take whatever
she wants.

Speaker 2 (25:59):
So she does.

Speaker 1 (26:00):
She's like, are you sure. I'm like, yeah, girl, please eat.
So she flows up her plate. We go, find somewhere
to sit. Go sit inside the dining.

Speaker 2 (26:10):
Here you go. So we sit down, we eat, and
she is she is very I'm gonna get emotional just
thinking about her.

Speaker 1 (26:22):
Wow, she is so appreciative, and you know, appreciative in
the way that you can tell that fucking no one's
ever been nice to this girl. Do you just sound
I'm saying, no one has ever been nice to this girl.
Nobody has ever given this girl anything and not expected
anything in return. And that shit broke me, Like that

(26:48):
shit broke me, and so we just continue talking. We
have breakfast, you know, I tell her to take her time, like,
you know, don't shovel everything in your mouth, girl, just.

Speaker 2 (27:01):
You can keep the food, you know. So when we're done,
I give her I sent her.

Speaker 1 (27:11):
I don't remember how exactly it happened now, but I
just know that I had ended up getting her email
just and I sent her a bundle my entire book collection, right,
and I just told her. I was like, I was
just telling her, like yo, like this doesn't have to
be your life forever. You know, there's there's a way out.
And you know, I talked to her. I just talked
to her, you know, the big sis talks. And then

(27:35):
you know, she we went our separate ways. And I
thought about that girl often ever since, and wonder if
she she ever got out of that life. I wonder
if she's alive, you know, I wonder if I just wonder.
And the reason why I tell this story is because

(27:58):
this shit happens to me all all the time. People,
women specific, a lot of women. I think men come
to me in healing too, but men come to me
in a different way. They come, they come in a
different way.

Speaker 2 (28:09):
But women.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
I could literally be minding my business and a woman
will find me, sit next to me, start crying, and
I'm like fuck right, and I think what had happened?
So there was a point where my spirit, like I
felt my spirit accept it. But the last two years
I have been what I now know is in a

(28:34):
cycle of self rejection, right, and basically rejecting the parts
of myself that I'm supposed to be in alignment with,
you know. And like I said in the post, you know,
I started to get really tired, really really tired. But

(28:57):
in deep diving in my you know, mind, pulling back
up my birth chart, even though I know my birth
chart is still is like, you know what, let's go
over the shit again, pulling back up my birth chart,
pulling back up my life path number. Going down this
deep dive of of the human design fifty fucking two
pages or fifty six pages, right, I was able to

(29:20):
rediscover myself in a way that was like oh shit, shit,
you know. And when the sentence kept popping back up
of you know what I mean, you are meant to
people gravitate towards you because they need heal. You're a healer,
and you are meant to help guide people back or
guide people to their highest version of themselves.

Speaker 2 (29:40):
I was just like, come like, I don't want to die.
I don't want to do this that anymore.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
And then I had to like sit down with myself
and be, Okay, what is like, what is it that
you I know that I love to help people? So
why am I so specifically women? So why have I
been so upset at this for the last two years?
And I had to start realizing and this is this
isn't new. This realization Let me explain this. This realization

(30:09):
was not new, but I don't think it was.

Speaker 2 (30:14):
I don't think I respected it for what it was.

Speaker 1 (30:17):
Maybe you know, or I don't think that at the
time when I realized it, I left enough space in
myself to work through it, to really connect it where
it needed to connect, right, And that happened. Sometimes it
just fucking is what it is. Right, that happens. And
sometimes you need more maturity in order to really grasp

(30:38):
an understanding or a realization, right. And I think what
started happening for me is that one being a parent
has launched me into a level of maturity that I
didn't really know that I didn't have before.

Speaker 2 (30:55):
You know what I mean not to say that I
was immature.

Speaker 1 (30:59):
So I think sometimes when we talk about maturity and immaturity,
we think, you know that negative positive, right, but we're
all The reality is is that you don't have to
be immature in order to You can be mature but
still have more maturity to yeah the sound I'm saying. So,
I think parenthood has has launched me into a level

(31:22):
of maturity that's just been a just a different level
because the realization that I'm somebody's fucking role model now,
two people's role models now was and there's a responsibility
that I don't take lightly at all. And if you've
been listening to this podcast for a long time, you know,
even before kids, I've been very very I've always been

(31:43):
very sensitive when it gainst the kids, very.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
Sensitive and you know that.

Speaker 1 (31:48):
And I don't take that shit lightly. And I think
that anybody who was in a child's life needs to
fix the fuck up.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
I don't don't care who that offense like. It needs
to fix up now, because.

Speaker 1 (32:03):
How you are shapes these children. The shit that you do,
what you say, your inability to control yourself, your inability
to regulate yourself, all that shit seeps in to these children,
and it shapes them, you know, for better or for worse,
and for a lot of times it's for worse.

Speaker 2 (32:23):
Even it's what I'm saying. So that's one.

Speaker 1 (32:27):
And then two, I started realizing that I just didn't
have the time to give to where how I used
to give to my job, my career. And then I
felt very lost. I felt so I've the last two years,
I've just felt like I couldn't get a grasp. I
felt like I was kind of floating, you know, and
then every now and then I would grab onto something

(32:48):
and then it would pull away from me, and then
I would grab onto something else and pull away from it.
That's literally what I felt, like a fucking hot air balloon,
you know what I mean, just fucking floating. And I
also started to realize that I didn't have enough boundaries
in place for myself when it came to my work,

(33:09):
and that I was also straying away.

Speaker 2 (33:13):
I had somehow moved away from the way that I
help women.

Speaker 1 (33:21):
That allowed me space and time to rest and rejuvenate,
like for lengthy periods of time, so I could come back.

Speaker 2 (33:32):
And then be at my absolute best right. So all
these things.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
Were were all kind of working together and mixing up together,
which led to.

Speaker 2 (33:47):
A recipe of skin resentment.

Speaker 1 (33:49):
Right. Also too, there was also in the midst of
I think a lot of the women who were coming
to me, who were.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
Who were rude, man.

Speaker 1 (34:03):
This is this is what the fuck it is, right,
who were faking, who were spicy and shit, who you know,
had a fucking attitude, who were taking their shit out
on me. And it was a constant you know what
I mean, even with the you guys know my battle
with the social media stuff in the comments, can't fucking
read projecting their shit out. I was like, yo, using
me as a punching bag.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
No, no, no, no, no no.

Speaker 1 (34:23):
That shit was also so all this stuff combined was
taking a toll on me. And from where I sit
and from what I do, I see the worst parts
of women.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
I do, I really do.

Speaker 1 (34:35):
And nobody likes to talk about that. Nobody who was
a coach for women, who is a therapist who deals
with just deals with a lot of women, likes to
talk about the fact and be honest about the fact
that we see the worst of women. Okay, we see
women in a light in a way that collectively, women
try to hush hush about right, and we and and

(34:58):
and it's the perfect example. You know, I'll give you
an example. Every time a woman thinks about a narcissist,
she thinks about a man. Right. Every time she hears
the word narcissists, it's always some man, some men. The
conversation of about narcissists is always revolving around the men.
But I have seen more women narcissists in my life
than I have men. Let that sink in. Okay, I've

(35:22):
seen more women narcissist in my life than I have
seen men. And I've watched more women contradict themselves, especially
on that term, in that space. And when it comes
to you know these things than men, I will, in
one breath watch see experience a slew, not just you know,
one or two women in no, No, a slew of

(35:42):
women talk about the relationships that they had with their
mothers and be able to recognize that their moms were
fucking narcissists, that their moms were fucking horrible to them,
that their moms treated in like shit, that they have
so many mother wounds that derive from their moms, right,
that their moms in secret competition with them, that their
moms were jealous of them, that their moms made their

(36:03):
lives a living hell. So in one breath, we'll have
a collective of women who can identify and speak directly
to that experience of their mothers. And then those same women,
when we are talking about narcissists, right, and we were
talking about relationships between a man and a woman, can
sit there and say, no, it's always a man's fault.

(36:25):
There's such a disconnect. There's such a disconnect, right, And
it's like, how are you no, Because if a woman
acts that way, it's because a man drove to do that.
But you directly acknowledge the experience of women that women
have with narcissistic moms who are women?

Speaker 2 (36:41):
So what are we talking about right now?

Speaker 1 (36:42):
Dann?

Speaker 2 (36:43):
Say what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 (36:44):
And because I sit in a place where I have
first hand experience with these women and I see the
darkest parts of them, and I see the worst parts
of women, right, and those women were absolutely projecting their
worst parts onto me. It was very taxing and I
didn't know how to navigate it. I was navigating it well.

(37:09):
And then all the things that has talked about, you know,
in conjunction started to work together and create a recipe
of like, Okay, I don't fucking want to I don't
leave me the fuck alone, right, leave me alone? So
and that was energy like I don't want to fuck
do this anymore, leave me the fuck alone. And I
started to push away and push against essentially what I'm

(37:30):
actually here to do.

Speaker 2 (37:32):
But because.

Speaker 1 (37:35):
Somehow, some way along the line, I think I lost
part of my boundaries. I stepped away from them. And
I had boundaries, but not the way that I.

Speaker 2 (37:46):
Needed to do.

Speaker 1 (37:47):
You get what I'm saying. I know what I'm saying
in my head. Oh that makes sense, Okay, cool. So
when I was deep diving in my human design chart,
so for those and design, I'm a projector taha right,
projector my life path five, I'm a fucking pis sun.

(38:08):
I'm an Aquarius rising on a tarist moon.

Speaker 2 (38:12):
Right.

Speaker 1 (38:12):
But the interesting thing is my chir run is in
Gemini and my little Physi and ares. It's very interesting.
And I have a lot of fire, a lot of
fire in my chart, which absolutely makes sense, right, a
lot of fire in my chart, and so it's so
so interesting, and like I said, knowing this already is

(38:36):
one thing. But going back over it in a time
and place where I didn't know I needed to write.
Originally I was just for frenzies, you knows, right. But
then you know also to have been studying deep diving
more and studying deeply astrology as a whole lately, and

(38:56):
so it led me to ad anyways, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 (39:00):
But going over it again.

Speaker 1 (39:03):
A little bit older, you know what I mean, a
little bit more life experience, a little bit more unders
or or or even subconsciously seeking a little bit more
understanding about myself rather is different. It's different, right, And
then my life path and then my human design chart,
and constantly seeing over and over and over again that

(39:27):
I'm supposed to help people. My mission is to guide
people like that, da da da da. I'm a healer,
I'm a this, I'm a that. I'm like, can you
leave me the fuck.

Speaker 2 (39:40):
Fuck off?

Speaker 1 (39:41):
And when I realized that I was bawling up my
fifth like Arthur by my side, and my jaw was clenched.
It was in that moment I realized, oh, man, like
I'm I'm rejecting myself here. That's what's happening. I am
rejecting myself here and in a way way that I

(40:01):
don't think I connected. I know what self rejection is
the Okay, I fucking another thing I teach for a living.
But a lot of the stuff that I teach for
a living or I have taught for a living, has
been in direct direct correlation with dating and relationships, right,
helping women come out of these dating and these shitty

(40:23):
dating and relationship experiences by you know, focusing on themselves
and healing their rejection wounds for the purpose like healing
the rejection wounds and healing whatever wounds, you know what
I mean, Self acceptance, all the things right to build
a healthy relationship with themselves. Right, But in correlation to

(40:43):
so later on when you go on and date now,
so when you can live your best life. That's first
and foremost. That's always my top tea for yourself, for
yourself right one and then two, when you're ready to
date again, you know you'll have a healthy relationship with yourself,
so you'll know how to pick a healthy relationship with
someone else. Right. But because a lot of my work
has revolved around the dating and relationships stuff I've subconsciously

(41:07):
or straight from just self and how self rejection can
show up like rejection. Rejection, rejection part of it, bitch,
Rejecting parts of yourself can can hurt or or keep

(41:27):
you from being an alignment with what the fuck you're
supposed to be doing for a living, right. And this
here's why this is important. It's important because we spend
so much of our time at work.

Speaker 2 (41:41):
It is what it is.

Speaker 1 (41:41):
We are adults. We are living in a world where
you have to work to survive. It is what it is,
even for the basic necessities. Even if you do the
bare minimum of work, you got to do it in
order to keep a roof over your head, put food
in your fridge, and pay your phone bill. You know
what I mean. I'm very at the at the very
bare minimum, right. And because work takes up so much

(42:04):
of our lives, I've always been a firm believer it's
anything too, I've always known, so I've always been a
firm believer of doing something, finding something that you love.

Speaker 2 (42:13):
And it doesn't mean that every day you're like la
la la la la la la la la la la
la la la.

Speaker 1 (42:18):
That's not what it means, right, But it means that,
for the most part, overall, finding something you love you know,
let me rephrase that finding something that fulfills you, right,
that that fulfills you, and that you feel good about
being of service too, because essentially that we're all here

(42:38):
to be a service.

Speaker 2 (42:39):
I don't give a fuck. I don't really, I don't care.
We are all here to serve. It is what it is.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
And even that in of itself is triggering for so
many people, right, so many people. And it's because we
have served the wrong thing for so long. We have
served thankless spaces, thankless people, thankless environments. And something that
I'm starting to realize, though I understood it to one degree,

(43:09):
I'm having more and more of a fuller scope of
this understanding is that when we are serving the wrong spaces, people, environment, things,
we become enraged. And the idea of serving sounds like

(43:32):
it's you know what, it gives the same feeling is
you submit to me? Okay, it gives it has the
same energy, submit to me, bitch? First of all, no, right,
But it's because we are not in alignment with what
the fuck it is that we're supposed to be doing
and what feels good to us. And it's because we're
chasing a bunch of things that actually have nothing to
do with our soul's purpose. Are where we're supposed to

(43:55):
be what our mission? And we all have missions, all
of us. I don't give a shit, every single one
of us have missions. But I think a lot of
us spend a lot of time rejecting our missions, and
so we are in spaces where we're not feeling fulfilled. Right.

Speaker 2 (44:14):
We chase things, you know, Okay, let me give you
an example.

Speaker 1 (44:21):
There's a saying money can't buy happiness, right, and you know,
if you anything like me, like, okay, then give me
your money and I'll just.

Speaker 2 (44:32):
Since since money can't buy you happen to give me
your money, okay, and I will find a way to
turn it into happiness. Don't worry about it, you know
what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (44:42):
But there's bentley, please give me not But if you
sit with the term money doesn't buy happiness for a second, right,
and you hold it right, just hold it work through like, okay,
get past the maybe you don't got enough of it,
Get past the well I could sure do a lot
with money, right now, get past so that I have
this bill to pay, that bit a bit bill to pay, right, like,

(45:03):
let all that shit go through your mind, understand it,
but like get past it, let it run through until
you've emptied out all of your thoughts about you what
you would do with money right now? Right, and the
amount of money, and then just hold like almost in
a bubble. Right, money can't buy happiness. And then think

(45:23):
of all the miserable people, the people who have tons
and tons of money, and they're surrounded by stuff, right,
seven cars, six car garage. They have houses that have
you know, seventeen bathroom Why the fuck do you need
seventeen bathrooms?

Speaker 2 (45:40):
Mindee? How much are you shitting Anyway's I digress? Right?

Speaker 1 (45:43):
Or they have uh, you know set like you know,
so what I'm saying. They have all this money, and
yet the thing that they truly want and cannot get
is love. Right, Their worries are always Are people coming
to them because they really love them and accept them?
Where it's because they want to get some of their money?

(46:04):
Are people just trying to use them?

Speaker 2 (46:05):
Are people this?

Speaker 1 (46:06):
Are people that they're surrounded by all this stuff and
they're unhappy, and yet they have money to buy whatever
the fuck they want when they want how they want it.
They're surrounded by all these yes men, right, people were
like yes, yes, yes, Siah, yes yes.

Speaker 2 (46:20):
Madam, yes, Sa yes Madam yes right, and.

Speaker 1 (46:23):
Yet they always feel alone, like they don't have any
They don't know who their true friends are, and what
they long for most is acceptance they have perhaps if
you think about like stars, artists, musicians, actors, whatever, right,
they're on a stage and they have a world of
people chanting their name. Who on the surface, I love you,

(46:46):
I love you whatever, you know what I mean. I
love you, Beyonce, you know whatever, But you don't know
fucking Beyonce. And she knows that you don't know her.
You don't know her, you don't know her. And so
to hear people say I love you, I love you,
I love you, like yeah, cool, like that hits your ego,
but in your spirit, you know you. Motherfuckers don't know me.

(47:10):
You don't know me, right, you know what I mean?
And so it brings it back to I sell that
to say this. We chase these things outside of ourselves
because we think if we have more of them, it's
gonna make us happy. But really and truly, what I'm
really coming into a deeper awareness of is that most

(47:33):
of us our true happiness and fulfillment rather lies in
being able to be of service in the right space
for us, you see, And while that service sometimes might
be a little taxing, it's still overall fulfilling, right, So

(48:00):
for me, and again I'm not by myself, but because
this is all I have to you know what I mean.
But I hope that this is making you think of
your own life and your own shit, and I hope
it's it's opening up channels of questions for yourself. Right.
For me, one of the things that I the spaces
that I felt the most to, two of them that

(48:24):
I felt like I was the most fulfilled in is
one writing books, right, Writing books.

Speaker 2 (48:32):
And I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 (48:36):
And this is something that I've only realized the truth,
like the deeper meaning of why I You know, books
are something that you can have forever, and you can
pass along the wisdom and the knowledge and the lessons
that are in that book.

Speaker 2 (48:51):
You can keep passing it on. You don't have to
remember what the fuck did you say? Oh da da da? Right,
It's it's there for you to return to whenever you
need it. It's there for you to pass along.

Speaker 1 (49:03):
It's there to live forever, you know, And for me
writing a book that helps women through whatever the fuck
they're going through, whatever whether it is then let me
be clear, right, So writing and creating a book because
the two things. So I'm gonna talk about in a second.

(49:23):
So writing a book like as you know, like a
nonfiction book. Right, Like, let's just say, like the books
I've written about my life, right one, letting the book
itself my vulnerability lets other women feel like, okay, shit,
I'm not alone and somebody else is going through the
same exact or has been through the same feelings, the
same emotions, holy shit, and then has found resolve and

(49:46):
made their way out. That shit is priceless. I know
what it's like to read a book that changes my life,
that changes the course of my life for the better,
that helps me grow, that helps me sit and have
realizations that I didn't know that I needed.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
I know what it's like.

Speaker 1 (50:08):
And authors of those books that have helped me along
the way, if I could give them a million dollars
that way, you know what I mean, Like, it's.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
Priceless.

Speaker 1 (50:19):
Right, there are some authors I don't care if they
came up with the book that was forty five dollars,
I would get I would pay the forty five dollars,
No problem. Here you go, Here you go, because I
know that what's in that one hundred and sixty page book,
one hundred and twenty page book, is priceless, right, And
so for me to be able to partake and to

(50:41):
help women in that way where I can put my
raw emotions, lessons, understandings, revelations, experiences, so on and so
forth in a book that is fulfilling, right, I feel
my most fulfilled there. The second part to this is

(51:04):
I learned recently is coloring books. And you might be thinking, Okay.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
Girls, a fucking coloring book. Relax, relax, you know, But
the reality is.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
So many women are disconnected from their inner child and
from their creativity, and as women, we need to be
plugged into our creativity. We are creatives through and through,
through and through, we are creatives. And it's not just
about creating life like a like an actual child into

(51:39):
this world.

Speaker 2 (51:39):
No.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
We are function at our best when we are able
to create something. And that's your whatever it is, you
know what I mean. But coloring for a lot of
women serves as a portal and a connection to creation,
to creating, to color, like you know, the colors bringing
something too light. And in this case, it's a picture.

(52:03):
But think about the picture so you get it. It's
a picture, is black and white, right, and you get
to bring it to life.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
You get to.

Speaker 1 (52:10):
Decide what color you're gonna put here, what color you're
gonna shade here, what color is this going to be,
what color is that going to be? And it's only
through your pencils, your crayons, your markers do you bring
those pages to life? And that is creation and for
so many women people in general. But I'm talking about
women right now because this is my audience, man, and

(52:31):
this is who I serve, right But like so many
women find solace in sitting down, tuning out the world
and coloring. It helps with their mental health, It helps
with their emotional health, it helps with reconnecting to their creativity.

Speaker 2 (52:49):
It helps with calming them down. It helps with relaxation
and calming them down. It's the same thing. I just said,
the same thing twice. Good for me, but you get
the point.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
And because of that, that is another channel where I
feel fulfilled. And I didn't know that I that that
would be a thing until I started creating the fucking
coloring books. Right, and I love to do it. I
love to do it, Okay. So that's that's two. That's
the duality in the in the books. But the second

(53:20):
thing is so those two to go together, so it's
still one. The second thing is, well though, there's three things.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
Sorry.

Speaker 1 (53:27):
The second thing is through my one to ones right
and very specific with specific peace. So I told myself
after I stopped doing one too ones because I was mad,
I was like, you know what, I'm tired of these bitches, right,
because women who are, like I said before, women who
are gravitating me towards me, were coming to me for
the work and then getting upset at the work that
they need to do and taking that shit out on me.

Speaker 2 (53:47):
And I was like, yo, no, you know.

Speaker 1 (53:50):
But when I decided to start one on one to
ones again, I was very clear about the type of
women that I wanted to work with and the type
of women that I reject, and it was very clear.
I was also very clear in the fact that I
wasn't going to be promoting one on ones like that
because I didn't want it to be accessible to everybody.
I didn't I wanted to be accessible. I wanted it

(54:11):
to be accessible to the women who needed it and
who gravitated towards me. And it's so interesting. This is
a really interesting part of why I'm saying this because
when I did my human design, the sentence that came
up is you are designed to wait for invitations or

(54:32):
recognition before offering your guidance, wisdom, or expertise. So when
I made the conscious decision to not like, you can't
even when you click the link of my bio, right,
you go to sys click the link of my bio,
fucking tired of Instagram. But when you go to my

(54:52):
website at sisketcheshtgether dot com, you when you get on there,
you can't find my one to ones. There's a reason
for that. I have to get give you a link, right.
I have to give you a link. You have to
ask me, hey, do you want to I have to
give you a link.

Speaker 2 (55:07):
Right.

Speaker 1 (55:08):
There's a reason for that because I start to understand
that the type of work that I do, that I
know that I know that I want to do with
women is not for everyone.

Speaker 2 (55:18):
It's not for the women who want quick fixes.

Speaker 1 (55:20):
It's not for the women who are going to show
up like, Okay, it's been a month, am I healed,
yet it's for the women who are genuinely like Yo,
I'm going to invest myself and I'm gonna see this
shit through. If it takes six months, if it takes
a year, I don't care. But I'm gonna sit be
as a person who can help me.

Speaker 2 (55:37):
I trust that.

Speaker 1 (55:38):
I know that, and I'm gonna sit with her and
I'm gonna do the fucking work and We're gonna work
through whatever it is that I need to work through,
and I'm gonna see myself through this.

Speaker 2 (55:47):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (55:48):
When I made that decision, I'm so proud of myself
because I made that decision. And yes, I'll say it
on my podcast. I'll be like, you know, if you
want to work once in one whatever the link is,
you know, in my show notes, whatever the case. Maybe
if I'm in my Instagram Live, you know, I might

(56:09):
say it. But for the most part, when I'm in
my Instagram Live, people ask the women who are my clients.

Speaker 2 (56:17):
Right now, I have hold on Amanda, Alex, Dnaya Blanca,
There's more.

Speaker 1 (56:26):
But the reason why I'm mentioning these in particular because
these women have been with me. Alex has been with
me since December Okay, shout out to Alex, shout out
to everybody. But Alex has been with me since December
of twenty twenty three. Amanda has been with me, well,
Amanda has been in every single class I've ever She's

(56:47):
been with me for a very long time. But then
Amanda signed up I think not too long after Alex.
These are women who Blanca has been with me too
since again, I think the last two years. Blanca has
also signed up for much every class I've ever done.
And Blanca has been working with me every week, you know, religiously,
just like the rest of the ladies. But I say

(57:07):
this to say that, I say all that to say this, brother.
These are all women who who came in the door
and made a decision and an agreement with themselves that
they are sick and tired of whatever the FOC's going
on in their life, and they are going to do
what they need to do, and they're going to show
up and they are going to work through this and
then go figure it out. They are women who respected.

(57:29):
They weren't like, oh, you know, can I get a discount?

Speaker 2 (57:32):
Can I get it?

Speaker 1 (57:33):
No? They were like no, no, no, this is what
as a matter of fact that you should be charging more.
You know it sound, I'm saying, these are women who
who were very clear, who respected themselves, who respected me,
who respected the process, the most important, the process, and
we've been together ever since. These are women that have
I have seen through and have watched blossom into They

(57:56):
don't even recognize the women who started with me the
day one back in December day in a sound, I'm saying,
these are women who they took themselves seriously and as
a result, have cleared ways for themselves.

Speaker 2 (58:12):
That now they are so focused on themselves. It's just
such a beautiful thing to say.

Speaker 1 (58:16):
I'm not gonna get emotional on another right, like, so
focused on themselves, right. Like Dnay is another one who
you know, came to me. You know, she's been to
my classes too, She's in my membership. She shows up,
you know. But she had a breakthrough at one point
where she's like, yo, I need to start getting my
shit together. I need to start getting my writing one point,
Da da da da da. And she did that, you know,

(58:39):
So I say that to I'm saying all that to
say this, when I got very clear about the type
of women that I wanted to work with, the type
of women that I wanted to work with showed up.

Speaker 2 (58:49):
I didn't have to check. I didn't have to.

Speaker 1 (58:53):
Promote myself every single day on Instagram. I didn't have
to you know, okay, get this, get that coming on you.
I didn't have to do all that. They showed up
on their own. And so when I when I saw that,
you know, for the the the projector right, you're designed

(59:14):
to wait for an invitation or recognition before offering your guidance,
wizdom my expertise like it just made me feel a
little bit wom and fuzzy inside. It made me feel like, okay, wow,
what a confirmation that I that I'm doing the right thing.
And every we all need, no matter how confident you are,
no matter how we all need every now and then

(59:35):
some fucking validation and some confirmation from the universe. Okay,
shit right. And then my third thing is terror readings.
This is something that I'm This is another channel, another
way that I love to help women through. And if
you've ever done a reading with me, you know that
my readings are a little bit different, especially nowadays.

Speaker 2 (59:58):
So let me back up.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
Used to do readings before, and then I stopped because
once again. I didn't just want everybody coming to me.
You know, when I stopped. One day, I did a reading.
This is what happened. I did a reading for somebody.
I had a meeting, right, so, and I used to
do them over zoom. So we hop into the reading
and she's on the screen and I'm on the screen,

(01:00:21):
and I welcome my hair girl. And the way she's
looking at me, I can literally read her. And that's
the thing, like you anyways, and in her mind, her energy,
her everything is like, we're going to see if you
really okay with the you know this is I'm just
here for funzies. I'm just here because you know, I'm

(01:00:41):
just I'm just here because I don't I don't really
believe that you're gonna.

Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
Do this shit. But let's see what you write her
whole And I was like, I don't want to read
for people like this.

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
I don't want to read for people like this, right,
And then I started read and I was like, you
know what, let's be professional. It's just whatever the case
may be, right, And I had to work around my
own energy so that I didn't start, you know, reading
from her from a place of That's another thing. Too anyways,
So I didn't start reading from her to her from
a place of negativity, right, And I never want to

(01:01:13):
do that, so I had to fix up real quick.

Speaker 2 (01:01:17):
But then there was a part of me though, it
was like, because she was in such I had such
an attitude.

Speaker 1 (01:01:23):
I was like, you know what, let's go into things
that I couldn't even Let's let's let's do some magic tricks.
And then I started reading to her in a way
where I could see her being like, Okay, how the
fuck did she know that?

Speaker 2 (01:01:34):
Or how the fuck could she see that? Well? Oh god,
well I still don't believe it. She might have, did
you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (01:01:39):
And when I was done with her, I said to myself,
I don't fucking I don't want that type of inner.

Speaker 2 (01:01:46):
I don't. I'm good.

Speaker 1 (01:01:48):
So I stopped reading, right, I stopped the I stopped
the terror readings. Not that I stopped reading, but I stopped.
I stopped offering into the public. When I came back
to it, I came back when I started doing all
this work I'm talking to you about right now.

Speaker 2 (01:02:00):
I'm sorry if you hear screaming children in the background.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 (01:02:06):
So when I'm telling you that, you know, I started
back rediscovering myself and start started to slowly reintroduce myself
and the things that I truly like to do, but
in an understanding like, Okay, if.

Speaker 2 (01:02:18):
I'm going to do this, this is how I'm going
to do it, this is how I do it.

Speaker 1 (01:02:22):
Right, I switched up my policies and I was like,
and I switched up the way that I was going
to deliver readings, which is now, when you book a
reading with me, it is uh, you get audio recording
right that you just like a book that you can
keep forever. Right, you can keep forever and you can
keep going back to it for any guidance or any

(01:02:47):
you know what. It's the same way as me saying
I revisited my chart. I know my fucking chart, and
my chart million times already. I know that, but revisiting
my chart in different seasons of my life gives me
more and more awareness and understanding. It's the same thing
with the terror readings, right, or the shadow readings, which
every one your book it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
Right, you have the recording and you might hear it
the first.

Speaker 1 (01:03:08):
Time and be like okay, but then you get to
go back to it in different seasons of your life
and have more and more awareness and understanding. There's a
reason why I started doing my shit the way that
I started doing it right, and then through the reading.

Speaker 2 (01:03:22):
At the end of it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:23):
Rather, I introduce elements of my own coaching stuff right
where I give people homework, I don't just leave them like, okay,
and that's your reading, have a great day, Tata. No,
I give them tools that they can start implementing right now,
towards the inner work that they need, which is why
they sought out the reading in the fucking first place,
unbeknownst to them. Right and now, the type of women

(01:03:47):
that I'm reading for is such an in alignment with
exactly what I want, who I wanted to read for
right and the type of women I wanted to.

Speaker 2 (01:03:57):
To gravitate towards me. Do you understand what I'm saying.
So it's just been.

Speaker 1 (01:04:03):
This beautiful journey of rediscovering myself and continuing on and
doing inner work in spaces that I didn't know within me,
parts of me that I didn't know that I still
needed to work on or continue working on, Rather and
recognizing that I have been rejecting parts of myself and
understanding why I was and then coming back into an

(01:04:26):
acceptance of these parts of myself and my mission, my life, mission,
my purpose and the spaces, places and people that I'm
supposed to serve and how I'm supposed to do it right,
not like not not in a you know, it's kind
of one of those things where I also releasing control,

(01:04:47):
right because in order to wait for an invitation, it
means that you have to you got to be patient,
and you got to release control, and you got to
trust that the invitation will come right and they have.
And as a result, this is why a lot of
times it's hard for people new clients to book on
with me because my clients who have been with me,

(01:05:07):
they renew all the time, and they're not going nowhere
Amanda with all all the time, Like, girl, I already
have you budgeted out for the next three years. You're
not going anywhere. I don't know what you right, like,
this is my time slot in my day and we
won't be together for a long time, you know. Shout
out to Amanda.

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
I love you, I really appreciate you. And that's the
energy with a lot of my clients. So that's why
I will say.

Speaker 1 (01:05:31):
You will hear me say for the women who have
asked me for and I'm like, I don't have any space,
right because I don't.

Speaker 2 (01:05:37):
But you'll hear me say, Okay, I do.

Speaker 1 (01:05:39):
Have a space that just opened back up, or have
a space that opened up at this time in this day,
and I can't make that it has to be that
day or nothing, sorry, because that's the only time in
space I have available. Right, So I'll say, you know, like,
get on it, because girl, I want to tell you,
you know, see what I'm saying. And another thing is

(01:05:59):
I worked my calendar in a way where because something
else that popped up too.

Speaker 2 (01:06:04):
This is important. I don't want to touch on this too.
So in my.

Speaker 1 (01:06:13):
Human design, you can experience physical and energetic burnout if
you push yourself to work continuously without proper rest and
recognize recognition. So for six years, okay, when I started
writing books, well, when I started publishing them, my seasons.

Speaker 2 (01:06:33):
Worked like this.

Speaker 1 (01:06:34):
I would have six months literally pretty much for the
most part, six months on where I'm like going, going, going, going,
But then I would have six months off, right, And
when I would say off, it doesn't mean that I
wasn't working but it meant that I wasn't like working hard,
and the work that I was doing wasn't like For example,

(01:06:57):
I was so I would spix six months, I'm I'm
working on books.

Speaker 2 (01:07:01):
I'm working on books.

Speaker 1 (01:07:02):
Boom put the books out into the world, and then
for six months, I'm just promoting them, right, I'm just
promoting them. So that would at the time it looked like,
you know, showing up three or four times a day
on Instagram. But Instagram was my marketplace, right, and so yes,
it's work. But do you get what I'm saying. It
was still I could post some looking everywhere.

Speaker 2 (01:07:23):
I don't you know.

Speaker 1 (01:07:24):
I could post from the beach. I could post right,
so my life and that's not thing too. I was
spending a lot of time recharging in the sun. I
was escaping the winters. Fuck these winters, right, I was
in the sun. I was cleansing. A lot of spiritual
cleansing was happening in the ocean, you know, just up

(01:07:45):
to my knees, though, witch, because we don't go deep
in the water.

Speaker 2 (01:07:48):
I don't like to be in the water when I
can't my feet can't touch the ground. I don't like
that shit.

Speaker 1 (01:07:52):
But you know, it's bending over and like you know,
spending down and just putting the water over me with
my hands. See what I'm saying, right, I was under
the palm trees. I was grounding my feet in the sand,
in the ground, in the in Is that what I'm saying?
So for from November till May, a lot of the

(01:08:13):
times I was literally recharging. And something I've said in
one of my books. I don't know where, but I
said it in one of books, and I'll say it
again here. When people think of Miami, they think of
like party, turn up, whatever the case may be.

Speaker 2 (01:08:27):
And that's fine. Obviously the people go there to to
turn up.

Speaker 1 (01:08:31):
They go there for a weekend, blow all their money,
you know, get busy, drunk, go all the party and
go to live, go to mister Jones, go to.

Speaker 2 (01:08:37):
All the things, and then go home.

Speaker 1 (01:08:39):
So when people would hear that I was in Miami
or I spent a lot of time in Miami, that's
what they would think of, Right, I'm turning up, But
that's not true. For me. Miami was healing. I did
a lot of my healing work in Miami. I was alone,
you know what I mean. I was by myself, I
I ate a lot by myself. I laid by the

(01:09:01):
pool while the beach. A lot. A lot of my
days were spent by the beach, just thinking, just being,
just being, sometimes writing, you know, sometimes a lot of reading.
But my Miami stints were very, very healing for me.
And it doesn't What I start to realize was it
doesn't matter if that shit doesn't make sense to anybody else.
It makes sense to me and I understand it, and

(01:09:23):
that's all that matters.

Speaker 2 (01:09:25):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:09:26):
I was recharging, so then when I would come back,
I had all the energy space time in the world
to do what I need to work hard again right,
And for the last two years, I realized. So when
I read that at my Human Design shit, I realized,
for the last two years, that is what's been missing
I have. I have been working myself to the ground

(01:09:50):
with no recharge, with no recharge, right, and I realized
that is this Reading that on my Human Design was
the confirmation that I already knew something's wrong. This is
like I can't work like this. I'm not built. I'm

(01:10:13):
not designed. And that was literally a set a word
that I used, right, I'm not designed. Oh my god,
hold one, Sorry, I had to blow my nose. I'm
not designed to work like this, okay, and I don't
want to. So when I read it, I'm a human
design chart thingy my jigger, miss Lord, God, Jesus Christ,
look at this. Some gonna come and look at this.

(01:10:33):
And what's very interesting is because I think about three
months ago, three or four months ago. Now, I don't
y'all know my thing with times. Sometimes I have a
distorted understanding of time. But maybe three or four months ago,
Duanne and I had one of our infamous deep conversations.

Speaker 2 (01:10:52):
I love Duane.

Speaker 1 (01:10:53):
We always have these deep conversations, anyways, and this conversation
was healing in a way that I didn't even know
I needed to be. He said to me, He said, Babe,
you haven't been recharging, you haven't left, you haven't left
Montreal to go and do you okay? And he told me,

(01:11:13):
he said, and this is not the first time he
said that, to be fair, but this is this conversation
was different. And he said to me, I do not
I met you as somebody who goes off, who takes
time for herself.

Speaker 2 (01:11:30):
Please do not. I'm gonna get emotional. Wow, Please do
not not do that.

Speaker 1 (01:11:36):
Don't stop doing that because now we're together and the
kids and me and dah da da. When you need
to go, go, you need to go for a week,
Go for a week, you need to go for two weeks,
Go for fucking two weeks, right, go, and while you're gone,
don't check in. When he said that, I was like,

(01:12:00):
he said, don't check in. I don't want you like, yeah, okay,
we could say our good mornings and you know, whatever
the case may be in we could say our good nights,
but I don't want you gone doing what you need
to do for yourself and still being checked in.

Speaker 2 (01:12:16):
Here at home. Right. He was like, this is something
that is part of you that you need to do
for you.

Speaker 1 (01:12:25):
I'm good. I will be here when you give back.
I want you to be your best self and that
is where you thrive through recharging. And I'm not taking
it personal. It ain't got shit to do with me,
it ain't got shit to do with the kids, it
ain't got shit to do with anything other than this
is just part of who you are, and I want
you to be.

Speaker 2 (01:12:44):
Who you are. The words that came like there was
it was just so healing to hear, like I just
because the truth was in the back of my mind.

(01:13:08):
Not to say that I didn't know that I couldn't leave.
That's not it.

Speaker 1 (01:13:10):
And I want to be very fucking clear about that, right,
Not to say that I know I couldn't leave but
in the back of my mind. And not to say
that he didn't put it on me. Nobody put it
on me. I put a level of guilt on myself
all alone, just me. Where it's okay. Now, you know,
I'm a wife, I'm this, I'm a that.

Speaker 2 (01:13:31):
I can't just leave for two three weeks at a time.
That's kind of crazy, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (01:13:36):
Right, I started to feel guilty about even thinking about
fucking off for myself when this is a part of
who I am. This is who I am, and when
and when I said before I even got into a relationship,
I'm not going to change who I am to be

(01:13:57):
with somebody. Somebody needs to accept me for me, or
you could off. And here's Dwayne who has accepted me
for me, all of me and I you know, I
have stories, but okay, all of me. It never feels
so I've never been forget felt, I've never been so
seen in my entire life. And even seen for the
worst parts of me. So here's Dwayne, who who accepted

(01:14:20):
all of me, saw me, accepted me, and never asked
me to change, not once, never alluded to it, never
made me feel that way, never under never subliminals, never nothing.

Speaker 2 (01:14:32):
And yet.

Speaker 1 (01:14:35):
I started to betray myself and go against myself for
the fear of being misunderstood, for the fear of being rejected,
for the fear of being seeming coming across selfish, for
all these fears that only exist in my own mind
and nowhere else, you see. And I was like, as

(01:15:00):
many times as I tell these women to get out
their own motherfucking way, look, look at somebody, come and
look at this.

Speaker 2 (01:15:05):
And here I was in my own fucking way. Hello.

Speaker 1 (01:15:12):
Right. So I say all that to say, this deep
dive that I have done and I have been on,
this rediscovery has been really something beautiful and I'm really
happy about it.

Speaker 2 (01:15:31):
And it's taken me.

Speaker 1 (01:15:32):
It's taking me on many many dips and dives and
twists and turns, and you do the hokey pokey and
you turn yourself around. But that's what it's all about,
you know, see what I'm saying. And it has led
to a lot of confirmations and deeper levels of understandings.

(01:15:53):
There's a lot of things that I realize now that
I've understood, some much just on the surface, and some
you know, in a middle layer. But this has led
me to a deeper layer, the underbelly, if you will.
And as a result, I am in the process of
self acceptance again, and I'm very proud of myself and

(01:16:18):
I'm coming. And this time it's easier. I want to say, right,
it's easier. The work doesn't feel, you know, hard and strenuous. No,
it's easier because because I have an understanding, and I
think when you have a good understanding, the work is

(01:16:38):
a bit easier to do, if that makes sense. You know,
I am human, and as much as people look to
me sometimes for guidance, I got to look for guidance
too sometimes, you know what I mean. As much as
I'm like y'all do your inner work, I gotta do
my inner work too. You know, life is lifing for

(01:17:01):
me too, just like it's lifing for y'all. You know,
life is throwing me curveballs too, and I gotta you know, duck,
dodge or catch, And I got to use my discern
in the moment, you know, I see the ball coming
at me, and I'm like, shit, make a decision.

Speaker 2 (01:17:15):
Do I duck? Do I dodge it? Do I catch it?
What do I do? Do I let it hit me? Shit?

Speaker 1 (01:17:18):
No?

Speaker 2 (01:17:19):
Ow? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (01:17:23):
And I know that it is my willingness to continue
learning about myself and why I am the way that
I am, and why you know life is and what
is life?

Speaker 2 (01:17:33):
And what is love? Baby? Don't hurt me. Don't hurt
me anyways.

Speaker 1 (01:17:38):
I can't even sing right now because my voice has
gone to shit anyways, because it's stupid, cold or whatever
it is. Right, I'm a desire to constantly learn about
other people and why they are the way that they are.
It is as a result of this that I can
sit here and say, Hey, do your inner work. It

(01:18:00):
is a result of that that I can tell you
confidently tend toones down the importance of your inner work,
the importance of your accountability journey, the importance of getting
to know yourself, the importance of focusing on yourself, the
importance of understanding and learning about what love is, the
importance of your boundaries, the importance of checking yourself regularly,
the importance of journaling, the importance of sitting down, the

(01:18:21):
importance of reconnecting with yourself, the importance of finding outlets,
the importance of your fucking inner work journey. I can
tell you all that, and I can continue telling y'all
that because that's what I do.

Speaker 2 (01:18:35):
So that's it.

Speaker 1 (01:18:39):
That is it there, It's all out. So I really
do hope that this inspired y'all today in so way,
shape or form. I'm not saying you have to deep
dive into your chart and human design and your life path.
You know, you don't have to take that route. But

(01:19:01):
for those of y'all who do you know and who
are into that shit anyways and who like it, I
encourage you.

Speaker 2 (01:19:07):
I challenge you.

Speaker 1 (01:19:09):
Actually to go look that shit back up, or go
look it up if you've never done it before, and
learn more about yourself and use use these things that
are right in front of us. Man, that are tools
that are here for us to help us understand ourselves better,
and shit to even help launch you and maybe put
you in a direction or a career path that you
actually feel good in. Rather than telling yourself that you

(01:19:33):
have to do whatever you're doing for the rest of
your life, or you have to do what you're you
know what I mean? Like work is important. We spend
a lot of our time there, right, we are all
here to serve.

Speaker 2 (01:19:48):
All of us.

Speaker 1 (01:19:49):
We are in service. And you have to think about it,
you know. And I could say, even the person who's
working at Walmart who shop stocks the shelves at first clients,
you could be like, okay, just with the fucking it,
you know, just a shelf stalker. They know that person
is providing a service. If it wasn't for that person
stocking the shelves, how do we get what we need

(01:20:09):
as consumers?

Speaker 2 (01:20:12):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:20:13):
That person is providing a service, a service that we
take for granted every fucking day that we don't realize
how important that service is. Right, And you know that
that one employed who's to say that the one person
who goes to work at Walmart every day and it's happy, right,

(01:20:35):
and everybody else around them who's that.

Speaker 2 (01:20:36):
Work as well?

Speaker 1 (01:20:37):
This motherfucker always so fucking happy and bubbling and shit,
we motherfucking work at Walmart, motherfucker, Right, what the fuck
are you happy about?

Speaker 2 (01:20:43):
Well?

Speaker 1 (01:20:44):
Maybe that person figured out that no, I don't just
work at Walmart. I provide a service for people who
come in here. I make sure that the toilet paper
is where it needs to be, that the candles are
where they need to be, that the appliances are whatever right,
that everything is in order so that when somebody comes
in here to look for something, they can find it
at ease. That is the part that I'm helping. That's

(01:21:07):
my service, and I'm I'm happy to be of that service.

Speaker 2 (01:21:12):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:21:14):
Some people have figured it out, maybe not everything, but
they've figured out some of the things that matter in
order to have them wake up every day and feel fulfilled.
There's no reason why the rest of us can't follow suit.
There's no reason why the rest of us can't dig

(01:21:37):
inside of us, be intentional, get some bravery, and connect
our dots and find spaces.

Speaker 2 (01:21:45):
That we can work in that are fulfilling. There's no reason.

Speaker 1 (01:21:48):
So that's all I got to say about that. Okay, cool,
We've been here for an hour and twenty one minutes
by it's time to go. Random life news. I don't
have any again lately.

Speaker 2 (01:22:05):
I just have no life.

Speaker 1 (01:22:06):
This whole episode, you know what let me stop playing?
This whole episode was random life news. What do you mean, Actually,
this whole episode was not random. It was divinely divine
and on time news, divinely orchestrated news. Anyways, say I
don't have any random life news. Something that I'm grateful for, this,
this journey to rediscovery. I'm gonna be forty man, and

(01:22:30):
I love that for me. And I've come a long
way and I have so much. I have so much
more to go. And for the first time in my life,
I am experiencing, I think, a clarity and both the
clarity and the love that I always knew existed. I

(01:22:56):
always believed was out there, no matter who told me what, Oh,
you never go on this and this doesn't exist, and
that doesn't exist, that doesn't exist. And I was like, Nah,
it exists. It's going to exist for me. It exists
for me somewhere and I'll find it. I'll meet it
one day and I have, you know, and that's fun.

Speaker 2 (01:23:18):
And I love that for me. And so that's what
I'm grateful for today, grateful for it all.

Speaker 1 (01:23:26):
It's your turn, think, because something that you're grateful for,
write it down on a piece of paper, say it
out loud.

Speaker 2 (01:23:32):
You know what I mean, Do your thing?

Speaker 1 (01:23:34):
If you have a friend to appreciate, send them a
text message. Len't know you're grateful for them, Call them,
tell them that you appreciate them. I'm sure that'll make
their day. You can find everything that you need that
I have to offer through the link in the in
the show notes, which is the description of this episode.

Speaker 2 (01:23:55):
I actually do have.

Speaker 1 (01:23:58):
A spot left. If you're listening to this, you can
have it. But you got it first, come first, sir.

Speaker 2 (01:24:04):
I do have a spot in.

Speaker 1 (01:24:06):
My one to ones for anybody who needs it, who
feels called to it. I will leave that link in
this episode as well.

Speaker 2 (01:24:15):
And that's it. Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:24:17):
That is it, ladies and sometimes gentlemen. I appreciate y'all.
Sending y'all all the love. I hope you have a
good rest of your morning's evenings afternoons over the yell
are in the world. Please be safe, use condoms, trust
your intuition, and use your discernment, and I will catch
y'all the next episode.

Speaker 2 (01:24:35):
All right, We'll be great.