May 11, 2025 • 40 mins
Sometimes it's easy to spot when you're abandoning yourself, other times, not so much. Especially when it comes to dating. I'm droppin' gems, so make sure you pick them up ;)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So there was a young lady on my Instagram live
the other day and she had asked a question. I
think I was doing a random Q and A, and
she asked a question about some dude that she had
met on a dating app and they were supposed to
go on a date twice and to both times it
had gotten rescheduled. And her question has been something that
(00:28):
I've been kind of thinking about for a little bit.
I answered her, But I was just thinking about how
to catch yourself in real time slipping into certain patterns
that you're trying to heal from. Okay, so that's what
we want to talk about today. Hello, Hi, my name
is CCBEF. Is your first time here, but most people
just call me b I am forty years young. I've
(00:51):
been through some shit. I also put myself through a
lot of shit, and now I helped teach women how
to get through their shit. Right. So if you're sensitive
to honesty, this is not the place for you to be.
I don't sugar kotsh it for myself, so I'm not
doing it for anybody else. So we have a motto
around here. It is called put the triggers to the sad.
So you have room to open up your mind. Okay,
(01:13):
you've been warned. So her her question, so, her question was,
he had said something about how he was he was
not in the mentally, he was not mentally in a
good space right now. Sorry. I think something might happened.
(01:34):
I don't know what happened, but he wasn't in the
good He had confessed, admitted to her that he was
in a good space mental or emotionally and mentally I
think both. And her question was she was getting ready
to go on a trip and she was like, when
I come back, do you think I should circle back
and say, hey, like so what like, how do you
(01:55):
want to play this? Something like that, right, something along
something along the lines. I don't remember exactly for batam
now shit, but it was something along the lines of,
how would you like to revisit this should be, you know,
circle back to each other when you're in a better space,
something like that. And I said no, No. I said no,
(02:16):
because right here we have an example of a man
who is literally telling you that he's unavailable for you. Right,
So imagine you just start dating. You don't even it
wasn't even a date yet, right, but you're just starting
to get to know somebody, some dude, things are not
(02:38):
going well in their lives. Don't ask them anything. Don't
ask them what they think or what they would like
to do, or whatever the case may be. You make
the executive decision, right, take it upon yourself to be like, well,
I hope that things get better for you, and maybe
I'll see you next lifetime. Right. You don't got to
(02:59):
be a bitch about it, right, Like maybe I'll see
your next lifetime or something like that. Right, and you
go your own way. What is this noise that I
just heard in the background. I think it's a washing machine? Okay,
scared the shit out of me. Now, I was like,
what is wo is it? Anyways? Any version of a
(03:21):
man saying he's not in a good headspace, he's in
a weird headspace, he's dealing with a lot, you know,
whatever the case may be. Right this early on, right,
you have to ask yourself, right, is this the experience
that you want to have? Right? And the experience is
(03:44):
you meeting a dude an off rip. There will be
no reciprocity. He is not even in the position to
take care of himself properly. What do you expect now
that you are going to be spending more time with him.
You see, this is not the time. It made me
(04:04):
think of how easy it is for women to abandon them.
It happens like that, very sneaky, Just like that, it
sneaks in, right, that you abandon yourself and what you're
what you you you were initially dating for in the
first place, right, and what you told yourself you were
(04:25):
never going to do again, what you told yourself that
you would never accept again. Right, And it's it's for
so many women. It is. Oh, I feel bad for him.
I'm not saying I don't have compassion. That's crazy. Be
a compassionate person, right, But the compassion also has to
be for yourself too. Those two things can exist at
the same time, like, oh man, I feel bad like
you're in a fucked up situation about bad headspace. I'm
(04:48):
so sorry to hear that. Also, you thinking about yourself like,
well that's done now now listen, Now, that's not something
I want to be a part of. You're allowed to
do that more than being allowed to do that. That
is what you should do, right, it is I'm gonna
say it again, it is very easy to slip back
(05:09):
into old patterns. Where you are abandoning yourself. And if
these are not old patterns, if you're listening to this
right now and you're like, shit, these are not even
old patterns. This is what I do on a regular basis,
then there you go. This is this is this is
an example of what self abandonment looks like, especially in
the in the realm of dating. Right. I say this
(05:29):
all the time. These men are strangers, These guys that
you're meeting off of these dating apps, these guys that
you're meeting in real life, anybody in real life. Yeah,
that's right. Out in the world, in the wild, in
the jungle, these are strangers, right. Other than common decency,
(05:50):
you know, mutual respect, whatever the case may be, y'all
don't really owe each other anything. Okay, So when you
meet a man, he is a stranger until you can
confidently say that you know him. That is it. That
is all right. I don't care if y'all went on
(06:13):
five dates in two weeks, he's still a stranger, right,
I don't care if y'all are together every weekend for
the past two months, still a stranger because there's still
so many other elements to him that you don't know right,
and you will not know until you are both put
(06:34):
in situations right where these elements have room to surface. Right.
It is so easy to fake fall in love with
the dude because, oh my god, we have so much
in common and oh my god, we could talk all
night and right, oh my gosh. Right, but what about
(06:58):
when the man is stressed out? What about you're stressed out?
What about when you're on your period? What about when
he's on this period? Ha ha ha ha ha you right?
What about when life is lifing? You know? What about
when you're tired? What about when he's tired? Right? What
about when life is lifing? You know? And it's really
really important. Another thing, too, is a lot of times
(07:20):
women have this like savior complex right where and again
this comes from like anxious attachments, people pleasing, so on
and so forth. Where you look at these men like
wounded birds and I need y'all to please stop doing this,
because this is how y'all fuck around. Right, So you
(07:43):
see these men as these wounded birds. Oh my god,
you pour it. This is your bird. Oh you hurt
your wing? Oh come, let me bring you into my
house and fix you. Right, And then you end up
nursing them until they their wing is, you know, good
to go, and then they fly out some mother fucking house.
(08:04):
A minute. You open the window and you're like, what, hey, right, well,
what do you expect this a bird? You know, what
do you expect? Right? You offered the bird a place
to stay, some food, some shelter, right, and and and
and and and antiseptics, band aids and pat to nurse
(08:27):
them back to live. They're like, yeah, fucking im, it's
better than laying out there to die or getting eaten
by a bigger bird. Yeah, this is what I'm gonna do.
And then as soon as they're well, you open the
window and you're like, what a beautiful day, Frank, Frank, Frank. Right,
the bird is in the sun, I'm saying, because you
(08:56):
want to know, I'm picture in my head. I don't
know if you guys ever seen this video. It's the old,
old video. It's an old video. And this person has
a duck fucking crying. This person has a duck, and
so they're bringing the duck to the pond. I guess
like the duck's first swim, and they must have had
the duck. They put the duck in the pond and like, oh,
(09:17):
it's it's Frank's. I think the dog's name was Frank,
you know, I can't remember. I think it was Frank.
It's like it's Frank's first swim and then it put
him out of there, like and the duck starts, the
duck fucks off, swims away, paddles away the person. It's
like Frank, Okay, gather myself. So I really had to
(09:39):
pause the episode to get it out because I couldn't
stop laughing. Anyways, just have to remember that a man
who doesn't have it for himself cannot have it for you.
This is how y'all end up in spaces with men
where you're fucking you know, six months and seven months
and eight months in and you're crying and you did
and you know, why can't you just and you're begging
(10:01):
and you're pleading and you're doing all this stuff and
you're drained, and you know, you're sending him seven paragraph
messages and why can't you just see how much I
do for you? And da da da da da, right,
Like this is also what I mean. You know, people
like to tussle with me, but this is what I'm
talking about. For most most women, men didn't change out
of nowhere. They were exactly who the fuck they were.
(10:22):
You just weren't listening. They were exactly who they were, right.
A lot of y'all think like, I don't know why,
like I don't know, but some like so many of
y'all come with this, you know, Oh, he just switched
out nowhere. Most men are not five time Emmy Award
winning actors. They're not They're not right, And so you
(10:47):
need to listen, right, you need to. And this is
what healing is for. And this is what in a
work is for. And this is what therapy is for.
And this is what journals are for with prompts and
coaching and so on and so forth. Right, this is
what these things are for. These resources are or so
you can learn how to check in with yourself before
you jump off the deep end. You seen. So there's
(11:08):
another one here. I thought about when a man tells
you that this is this is listen to me. This
is the one. When a man tells you that he's
in between jobs. All right, Oh, you know, I get it.
I understand that. Okay, this is no, no, no, don't
get it. This is not the time for you to
(11:31):
give someone a chance. Oh well, we all know what
it's like to be in between jobs and it's hard
out here for our pant when you're trying to make
the money for the brant and the catallacs, and like,
this is not this is not the time for you
to Again, you can have compassion for the other person, Dang,
it's hard out here, I get it, and also have
compassion for yourself at the same time. You first, obebe
(11:54):
you first, you see, because here what you are there
sitting across from a man that you just met talking
about something. He's in between jobs and wounded you is
speaking for you right the wounds you have is like,
oh poor thing dat Well, maybe you can help him.
(12:15):
Maybe you know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody.
Maybe you could put him on already trying to jump
in and save this man from himself. Meanwhile, right, if
there was a healed version of you inside, she would
be like, so why are you dating? What the fuck
is going on here? Priori? Skewed? Much like you're in
between jobs, motherfucker. You ain't got it for yourself, like
(12:40):
you your money's funny for yourself, forget anybody for you,
But you're out here dating. That's strange, that's suspicious. Your
priorty's a little bit all over the place. I'm gonna
say it was nice to meet you after this date,
and I'll probably won't talk to you again, right, But
(13:01):
a lot of women don't do that. And what happens
right in that moment, that man just told you so
much about himself without without saying anything else. I'm in
between jobs right now, but you're out here on a
date with me, and not just me, probably other women. Huh.
(13:21):
What he just told you that what he prioritizes, what
he doesn't prioritize, right, how where he takes accountability in
his life? Right? He just told you that he's kind
of slick. Shoulder shrug, right, and somewhere in there. That's
all right though. You'll take care of me, right, you'll
(13:44):
cover it when you you know, my dick will be
so good that you'll be so happy for you know it.
You'll be offering to pay my bills because it's hot
out here for a PM when you're trying to get
this money for the brant. Okay, so please don't fuck
around or you will find out. And it's that what
(14:05):
I'm saying right, And somebody in the background, way in
the far back, way way away in the back, is
listening to this episode and they're upset. They're ir eight.
You know, Oh my gosh, that's so mean, you know, happy,
haven't you ever had a hard time in life? And
what does this world come to? Where da da da
a guy can't even be back? We know in nineteen
eighty two, when I met my husband, he didn't have
(14:28):
enough money to da da da. I don't give a shit.
Save it, Write it on a piece of paper, take
it to your therapist, unpack it there. Okay, don't give
a shit. Don't give a shit. What the fuck was
going on in nineteen eighty two, First of all, wasn't
even born. Second of all, guess what, don't know if
you've noticed, But the times have changed. Okay. It is
fucking hunger games out there, all right, is fucking Game
(14:50):
of Thrones and this motherfucker okay, it is squid games
outside all right. And chances are if you met your
husband in nineteen eighty two, that the thou, whatever the
kiss may be, you don't know what the fuck is
going on, so sh sh and your husband's probably a
piece of shit too. But anyways, I see that's the
(15:13):
reason why you hus be a piece of shape because
when you met it, beat it, and a pot to
pescia would have thrown out of it. And you probably
on TikTok someoneer complaining about how you do all the
emotional labor in the house and you're still tired of
having a man who can't even play his socks in
the hamper. Shut up, you Know's what I'm saying. It
is high time that women learn. If you're going to
be out here and you're going to be frolicking, mingling,
(15:38):
brushing shoulders with the testicle humans, right, then you must
have some sense about you. And if you don't have none,
then I will say the same thing for you. What
are you doing dating? You have no business to be
dating either, right, you are your priorities. I'm not letting
(16:02):
y'all off the hook. You know me better than that.
You got excited. Some of y'all got excited. Oh shit, Yes,
it's finally an episode where CC drags the men. Nah
equal opportunities around here. I'm not biased. We both get dragged,
all right. You yourself, if you haven't been you you have
(16:23):
you know, more issues than motherfucking vogue. And you have
not done You haven't been in therapy, you haven't sat
down cau, you haven't invested in yourself in any type
of way to hear what you got going on in here.
But you are. They're dating. No, that's that's it. And no.
(16:44):
But anyways, Let's say that you were doing this stuff
right and and you were falling back into old patterns.
Let's say you did do this stuff. You do this stuff,
but you're falling back in own patterns because you feel
bad for buddy. This is when you got to stop
yourself and be like, WHOA, I don't care if you
got to excuse yourself in the middle of a date
to go to the washroom and be like, you know what,
I just gotta go patter my nose right and go
to the bathroom and go in the stall and put
(17:05):
your hand in your heart and be like, hey, deep breath,
am I feeling bad for him? And if I feel
bad for him, knowing my history, will it send me
into savior mode? What the hell was that? Benly? Are
you okay? Oh my gosh, sorry one second. This guy's
(17:28):
laying in the kitchen. He kicked the he was stredging
and hit the stove. So much things happening in this
house today, so much things. Right, ask yourself that question.
Is me dating a man who is in a weird
headspace in between jobs, has some type of issue? Is
this a red flag for me? Right? Is this something
(17:51):
that is pre my patterns? Right, going to easily have
me slip back into my old ways? Or the way
is that I am actively trying to heal from. Be
so honest with yourself. And if the answer is yes,
this is a gateway drug. This is a gateway drug.
This is a gateway drug, then that's it. That is it.
I don't care how good he smells, how pretty his
(18:13):
teeth are, how pretty his face is, how good his
his beard connects. You know, sometimes it's really hard for
men to get their beards to connect nowadays. I don't
know what the fuck they issue is bid it's pachi
pachi pachi sometimes, you know, it's hard. You know, some
men just don't grow beard at the face of in
those places there, in those places that we're not gonna
anyas you know, just soun what I'm saying, right, then
(18:33):
the answer is no. The answer is I have to go.
I have to remove myself. Right, the answer is I
can finish out my date. That sucks, whatever the case
I be. But also it's I have to save myself, right,
I have to save myself. I'm gonna finish out my date.
I'm gonna have a good time while i'm here. I'm
here already Jesus, Right, He's not doing anything bad to me.
(18:53):
You know, we're not kicking up. It's not I'm not
having a bad experience right now. So I'm gonna finish
out my date, whatever the case may be. And then
at the end of it, I'm telling myself that unfortunately
we're never going to see each other again. That's going
to be it, right, And then you guys, finish out
the date, and then you let him know this is
a really great date, and you know, I appreciate you,
and I think you're not cool. But and then whatever
(19:16):
it is that you want to say at the end, right,
But the thing is is that you got to have
You're going to have to stand ten toes down on
that decision, right, And so no matter what you say,
even if he tries to change your mind, you have
to stand up for yourself. You have to stand up
for yourself. You have to stand up for the little
girl inside of you who needed somebody to stand up
(19:36):
for her when she was seven, when she was ten,
when she was sixteen, when she was fifteen, whatever, you're
in her child, maybe all the stages, right, You have
to stand up for both of y'all, all of y'all.
Basically see what I'm saying. Uh, there's another one here
that I want to talk about. Oh yes, another example
I want to give. When a man is not listening
(20:00):
to you, right, So example, and I don't mean listening,
you're you're giving orders calm down on a Matt is
not listening to you. So you're having casual conversation and
you say something like, oh, yeah, you know, after ten PM,
I don't answer my phone, my phones on, do not disturb.
(20:21):
That's when I do my local nighttime routine, whatever the
kiss may be, and you know, just have some me time.
And he slides in, not even for me, and you're like, no,
not even for you. That was boundary test number one.
But you guys didn't catch that. You thought because he
said in a playful tone, because he's cute, because he
has a good deep voice. It's really sexy and it's
(20:43):
making you know, your coud cat get a little witty
wet you know what I'm saying, Like you're not you know.
But that was the first boundary test of him trying
to him tapping on your boundary, not even from come
on girl, not even for me, No, not even for you.
So and then he goes say it again, come on,
I'm worth it. You don't think I'm worth it. That's
the second time. Second time. Right, It's not that you're
(21:08):
not worth it. You know, I'm not saying that you're
not worth it. It's just you know, now this is
you re explaining what the fuck you just said clearly
the first time, right, nosing. It's not even that, it's
just you know, I have my thing I like to do.
I've been doing it for a long time. Da da da.
Now you start over explaining it. Now you start talking
about the things that you do after ten pm, so
(21:31):
that your no right to try to make your nose
seem valid valid enough. You see again, this is coming
from your people, pleasing wounds from your anxious attachment, wounds
from all this shit that you haven't dealt with or
maybe that you are dealing with, And it is creeping
back up. This is your test, right, So this is
(21:51):
the man. He tapped on your boundaries. Now he's knocking
on your boundaries. And then here comes the third one
where he's like, he's like, yeah, but I know, I'm
just saying, though, what if, Like I don't know, what
if it's at ten thirty and I want some ice
cream and I think we should have some ice cream together.
But now I can't call your phone because your phone
is not Just say, don't you want to have no
(22:11):
ice cream with me at ten thirty? Picture it us
walking in the park or sitting on the hood of
the car eating some ice cream under the stars. Do
you see how easy it is? But what's happening here
is that he tapped, he knocked, and then he's the
third one is the attempt to push the door down.
(22:32):
This is a man who is telling you off rip.
He don't give up fuck about what you got to say,
respect what boundaries for what? You don't give a fuck
about what you got to say. I don't give fuck
what you got to say about me. He don't give
a fuck what you got to say. Right. His goal here,
(22:54):
his intentions, his true intentions, are to get you to
accommodate him whatever it is that's in place for yourself,
he his intentions. Oh my god, that just geared this
shit out of me. Why is everything going off today? Okay, worse, Sorry,
this is my alarm. I was trying to take a
little nap earlier and I get forgot to put my
alarm on it. It doesn't matter, go digress right, And now
(23:18):
he's trying to to His intention is to have you breaks.
I was gonna say slowly but surely, but it happens
like this, off rip right, bend, twist, and break your
own boundaries. So you start accommodating to him and what
he wants, trying to put you all up in game,
(23:39):
trying to put you all up in game. And I'm
not even this is not even a police I hope
that by now you know this is not me on
a pedestal, finger wagging, whatever the case may be. Girl.
These are all things that I had to learn from
myself too, man, Like remember right, we're sking fourteen books later. Now, hello,
you know what I mean? Right? So this is if
you're feeling person attacked, unless you're feeling it in like
(24:02):
the funny, unhinged way that we like to do around
here sometimes, you know, But if you're really feeling personally attack,
please calm down, get your nikis out your butt right.
So Ye, it's very subtle. Sometimes it's it's very loud.
Sometimes it's very subtle. But it's really easy to abandon
(24:26):
yourself or start abandoning yourself again. And I want y'all
to keep that in mind if you're going to be
out here dating, right something else? Honorable mention. And I
know I've said this one before somewhere over the Rainbow
in another episode somewhere who knows, But from you here
(24:47):
a man tell you, and I don't care if this
is day first date, day one, Hey, how you doing?
My name is? Whatever the case saying me, or if
it is six months in from you here, a man
tell you that he doesn't deserve you anything along the
lines of he doesn't feel deserving of you, you're too
(25:09):
good for him. I don't care how the tone is,
I don't care what the whatever. The kids may be.
Police see that as a very clear way of him
saying that he is very insecure about himself, very very
(25:30):
insecure about himself. This is a fucking red flag because
if you are there's there's different levels of insecurities. There's
the there's the ship that we all we all have insecurities, right,
all of us. Everybody good fun who you are, right?
We all we all have our own insecurities. But there's
a difference between having insecurities and being an insecure person.
(25:52):
These are two different things, in bredren okay, two different things,
and an insecure man will ruin your life. Do you
understand the words that are coming out of my mouth
ruin your life? A few times over? Okay? So from
(26:18):
you hear those words, hey, hey, hey, this is your cue,
because there have been times that I have heard these
words and I have said, oh no, don't say that. No,
of course you deserve me narrator voice, He in fact
(26:38):
did not disturb her, disturb deserve her, and would spend
the next couple of months, the next couple of months,
or the next two years showing her why he doesn't
deserve her, because facts, you're right, you don't deserve me,
(27:00):
and I'm gonna he's gonna prove it. Here is why
you I don't deserve you. It's what I'm saying. These
motherfuckers that are really out here telling us exactly who
they are, and they're showing us exactly. Their actions are
matching their words every single day, man, like one hundred percent.
And it's it's your wounds, your unhealed wounds, or your
(27:20):
wounds that are popping back up, or your non maintenance
of the inner work that you did that you maybe
started and then fell fell off of, right, your non
maintenance that has you not hearing right. And then two two's,
Like I said, it's a year later, two years later,
(27:42):
and you're you're dead, dad da da crying in on
a group trat, You're on Instagram, you're in my lives,
you're in this place talking ball. Well, he just came
out of nowhere. He just switched up out of nowhere. No, no, no, ma'am,
no right, no. You see, there are two places that
we can listen from our wounds or our spirit. And
(28:06):
when you are wounded, you really cannot hear your spirit right.
Because I want you to think of it this way.
I want you to imagine that you just got hurt,
like you just got shot. I don't know, it's fucking graphic,
but you just got shot in your arm and your leg,
I don't know, right, You're desperate for some to help me,
(28:26):
help me, help me, help me, help me. Write your
wound is like help, I don't give a fuck where
we get it from. Help me, bitch, Like, I don't
care who you get it from. Right, So the first
person who is going to offer you a napkin, even
if it's just a napkin and you're gushing all blood,
but the napkin is better than nothing, so you take
the napkin. You'd be like, actually, you have another napkin,
(28:48):
and before you know it, you have all of the
napkins and the the the local fast food joint on
this wound right on this, on this, on on on,
on this gut, this gunshot wound is just gushing off blood, right,
not applying pressure on it, nothing, just piling on napkins,
piling on napkins, piling on napkins. This is what your
(29:11):
wounds do. They are like whatever, somebody is, there's a
man talking to us, bro who cares, who cares? Who cares?
Who cares? Ben for him, Twist for him. That's all right,
Ma'm at least somebody is paying us some attention. At
least somebody is here, and maybe they can fix us.
You know, even if it's just a little something at
(29:32):
a time. It's okay, temporary bandits ain't that bad, right, right?
What's the worst that can happen? That's that's your wounds.
Your spirit is inside of you, like trying to speak,
but your wound has it's hands over your spirit's mouth.
Shut the fuck upveryone's like, I mean your pars like
don't like shut the fuck up. Shut up, shut up,
(29:56):
always trying to be up all in the video. Shut
up like spirit can't if spirit can't get to you.
This is why it's so important to heal your shit, man, Okay,
because it it's it's it happens so quick. It happens
so so quick. I have fallen back into bad patterns
(30:17):
in the past. I have fallen back into bad patterns
in my healthy relationship. The fuck it right, I have
fallen into I have caught myself in falling into my
own back into one of a bad pattern in my
relationship with Duane. And it is Duane who had to
be like, hey, hey, hey, no, no, babe, you will
(30:42):
not abandon yourself in this moment. What is it that
you need? Okay? Do that? Thank God? I like right,
like because it happens like that, and I'm like, oh shit,
you right that it is what I need them to
say with my I need this And he's like, okay, yeah, no, right,
because it because it's easy. Your inner work is maintenance. Right,
(31:08):
So if you don't do it, well, you know, if
you don't do it, then you know you should. You
should do it. But it's not because you did a
few journal prompts and because you were in therapy that
one time in band camp for you know, three weeks
and you're like, okay, I have I know my issues,
I have it all figured out. That it's and then
you haven't done any maintenance for yourself in two years.
(31:30):
That's not how this works, right, I'm gonna again, I'm
gonna use the one of our slowly becoming one of
my favorite analogies here. It is no different than all
right you you were like, fuck it, I'm gonna get
my whatever body bag, right, I'm gonna I'm gonna drop
these twenty pounds boom. So you are doing all the things.
You are eating the foods, the right foods. You are
(31:52):
you know, data calories, you're eating the whole foods. You
are going to the gym, you're on your dep on it.
You were in there four times a week. Da da
da da da da da. Right, and boom, you hit
your goal. And let's just say four months, I don't know, right,
you hit your goal, You're like, fuck, yes, right, you
feel good, you feel nice, you feel you feel real, sexy,
your gens them fits you again from whenever back in,
(32:13):
Oh whatever, Ye're right, everything good, everyting, Chris. And then
you stop going to the gym. You stop going to
the gym, you stop doing your walks, you stop eating,
while you start falling back into the old patterns that
you had, right. I told you, I think I told
(32:33):
you all this last episode, right, one of my old
I'm an emotional eater. That's what the fuck I'll do, right,
And if I don't, if I don't catch it two days,
three days, right, if I let that shit go, I will,
It'll go, It'll go until I catch it. Right. But
so anyway, so let's say that's the situation whenever the
case am be in. Before you know it, in a
(32:54):
month two months, you gain back your the twenty pounds
that you work so hard to lose. You see what
I'm saying, Because you need maintenance that's why I think
they have a day two. When I was like, oh,
somebod to die, I'm like, no, we don't do diets
around here because they're not Those are not diets. Right,
It's not sustainable for most people. It has to become
a lifestyle. Your inner work is no different. Your inner
(33:15):
work has to get integrated into your life as a lifestyle. Right,
a lifestyle. There is a reason why people who are
in business they have mentors, they have business coaches, they
have people who know better than them. Right, they have
people that for the most part, know better than them,
and they are their mentors and their coaches and their
(33:37):
whatever four years four years. It's not because they're at
square one and they don't know what they're doing. It's
because every week that's or every two weeks or whatever
the case may be, that is their inner that's their
business work maintenance. They're checking in, They're being like, Okay,
this is what I did this week, this is where
I kind of fucked up a little bit, whatever the
case may be. It helps them keep them on track.
(34:00):
Do you undertund I'm saying, right, it is no different
than any anything anything else, right, Like, it helps keep
you on track. So if you are still somebody who
thinks that everything else is more important than you, and
everything else is worth worth your time than yourself, baby,
(34:23):
it's maybe time to rethink that is that I'm saying.
It might be time to reevaluate your own priorities, what
you are pouring into. I can't stand that word anymore.
I just need to find a replacement. It's not that
I can't stand it, it's just that it is so
overused that I'm sick of hearing it. So when I
hear myself say it, I'm like, please, you're a writer.
(34:44):
Get a goddamn the sourus. Anyways, yes, okay, moments with
my brain out loud, all right. So, yeah, if you're
not doing these things for yourself, or you think that
it's just a one and done and whatever the case
may be, no, no, no, no, no no no. Right
(35:07):
you think because you did a journal two years ago
and I was filled to prompts that everything is good.
You don't even remember, wasn't well the prompts you did, right,
except for that one that really had your thinking, But
all the rest of them you can't. You can't recite them.
Go back and get that journal right, now and do
the prompts. You know what. Go get whatever journal that
(35:29):
you have that had prompts in it that you did
a year ago, two years ago, go get it again.
Go find it. Go go reach in your closet, in
your bookshelf, wherever it can keep your stuff. Go find it.
Go look at your answers that you wrote two years ago.
Actually don't, don't look at them right away. Go redo
the prompts again. So don't look at the answers right away.
Go redo the prompts again, and then compare them to
(35:51):
what you wrote two years ago. Beg money, ben money.
This she's not going to be the same. Some areas
might be the same, some of them will not, right,
And it just goes to show maintenance. I myself have
to work on maintenance all the time. I'm not again,
I'm not sitting out here, you know better than the
(36:14):
motherfucker nobody for the most part in that air iligen
as I'm saying, I have to work at maintenance all
the time, right, I have to. Sometimes I forget to spiritually.
Sometimes I forget. Oh shit, it's been you know X
amount of months since I've done a certain spiritual word
for myself. Hey, now, right, like it happens, but this
(36:37):
is your think of this as your your reminder, your
alarm clock to get back on track. And that's for anything,
get back on track, because in the end, you're the
one who suffers the consequences, nobody else. This is your life, right,
and the decisions that you are making are being governed
(36:59):
from either your wounds or your spirit. So which one
is making the choices? What place are you making decisions from?
And if you're realizing that most of your decisions have
been been made through your wounds, well, need I say more?
(37:20):
So that's it. It's for forty four bars? Need I
say more? For forty four? Need I say more? Four?
Forty four? Go seec, go seec. I'm gonna go time
clock out? Okay, Okay, So anyways, I hope that helps
you and give you something to think about. Okay, Okay?
Quicker little random life news. Why yesterday the whole blood
clot day. I don't know why, but I thought, actually
(37:42):
not even yes the whole week. I thought Mother's Day
was on Monday. Don't ask me why. So I'm pretty
sure you guys are listening to yesterday's episode and you're like,
why do you keep saying that Monday Mother's Day. That's
not the thing Monday. No, mother Day is on Sunday.
It's only because this morning my brother texts me. He's
so funny. Hold on, he's so so funny. He goes
(38:06):
watch him text me in on a mom and early too.
I don't know even know my mother are doing it
that early. Hey dude, Happy Mother's Day. And then in brackets,
weird having to text you that now, And I was
getting ready to text him back and be like, banks
appreciate you, but it's not until Monday. And then that didn't.
(38:29):
That didn't happen, and then I was like, oh shit,
wait a minute. I was like what, like is it chum?
So anyway, it's happy Mother's Day because it's today. Have
Mother's Day and everybody out there, Happy Mama's Day. I
hope that you had the day that you wanted today, Okay,
the day that you wanted today, whatever that was it
did that you wanted today. I hope that you had that.
(38:50):
For some woman, they want to be with their kids
on mother's days. For other women, they're like, get the
fuck out of my face. All I want for Mother's
Day is for everybody to leave me alone. Other women
are like, all I want for Mother's Day is to
be able to work on what I which I'm trying
to work on the past. You know, two weeks without
a child asking me every five minutes that they're hungry,
they're cold, they're hot. Now they want a blanky, they
(39:12):
want this, they want this food and they don't want
this food. Ah right, So whatever it is that you
that you, however you wanted to spend your day today,
I hope that that's exactly how you spent it. Very
pump blink. Do you have anything else to tell you? Guys? No,
that's it. Oh that's the Mother's Day still is still
(39:38):
going on. So I'll link the link in my show
notes or you know where to go cis Caches Together
dot com. It's still going on. You still got time,
and I think that's it. Yeah, Okay, that's it. Look
at me showing up on the podcast like you got
like this is like three days in a not a row,
but like two days in a row, and then maybe
(40:00):
four days four times in maybe two weeks. Okay, I'll
give you myself credit where it's due. Anyways, ladies, I
appreciate y'all. Man. Like I said, I hope that this
podcast episode today helped you in some may shape or form.
If nothing else, it was food for thought. Finish your
plate so you can go be great. If you know
(40:21):
somebody who would benefit from my episodes, you know, go
ahead and share them. Hey, you know, just give them
a drigger warning first, you know, you know, the drill.
Don't just ease them into it, okay, give them something,
give them something a little easy to listen to first.
One of my find one of my episodes that are
a little a little easier to listen to first. Don't
just you know, Okay. Anyways, I hope that you guys
(40:44):
have a good rest of your morning's evenings, afternoons or
the book killer in the world. Please be safe, use condoms,
eh h, trust your intuition and use a discernment and
I will catch y'all on the next episode. Go me great,
So there was a young lady on my Instagram live
the other day and she had asked a question. I
think I was doing a random Q and A, and
she asked a question about some dude that she had
met on a dating app and they were supposed to
go on a date twice and to both times it
had gotten rescheduled. And her question has been something that
(00:28):
I've been kind of thinking about for a little bit.
I answered her, But I was just thinking about how
to catch yourself in real time slipping into certain patterns
that you're trying to heal from. Okay, so that's what
we want to talk about today. Hello, Hi, my name
is CCBEF. Is your first time here, but most people
just call me b I am forty years young. I've
(00:51):
been through some shit. I also put myself through a
lot of shit, and now I helped teach women how
to get through their shit. Right. So if you're sensitive
to honesty, this is not the place for you to be.
I don't sugar kotsh it for myself, so I'm not
doing it for anybody else. So we have a motto
around here. It is called put the triggers to the sad.
So you have room to open up your mind. Okay,
(01:13):
you've been warned. So her her question, so, her question was,
he had said something about how he was he was
not in the mentally, he was not mentally in a
good space right now. Sorry. I think something might happened.
(01:34):
I don't know what happened, but he wasn't in the
good He had confessed, admitted to her that he was
in a good space mental or emotionally and mentally I
think both. And her question was she was getting ready
to go on a trip and she was like, when
I come back, do you think I should circle back
and say, hey, like so what like, how do you
(01:55):
want to play this? Something like that, right, something along
something along the lines. I don't remember exactly for batam
now shit, but it was something along the lines of,
how would you like to revisit this should be, you know,
circle back to each other when you're in a better space,
something like that. And I said no, No. I said no,
(02:16):
because right here we have an example of a man
who is literally telling you that he's unavailable for you. Right,
So imagine you just start dating. You don't even it
wasn't even a date yet, right, but you're just starting
to get to know somebody, some dude, things are not
(02:38):
going well in their lives. Don't ask them anything. Don't
ask them what they think or what they would like
to do, or whatever the case may be. You make
the executive decision, right, take it upon yourself to be like, well,
I hope that things get better for you, and maybe
I'll see you next lifetime. Right. You don't got to
(02:59):
be a bitch about it, right, Like maybe I'll see
your next lifetime or something like that. Right, and you
go your own way. What is this noise that I
just heard in the background. I think it's a washing machine? Okay,
scared the shit out of me. Now, I was like,
what is wo is it? Anyways? Any version of a
(03:21):
man saying he's not in a good headspace, he's in
a weird headspace, he's dealing with a lot, you know,
whatever the case may be. Right this early on, right,
you have to ask yourself, right, is this the experience
that you want to have? Right? And the experience is
(03:44):
you meeting a dude an off rip. There will be
no reciprocity. He is not even in the position to
take care of himself properly. What do you expect now
that you are going to be spending more time with him.
You see, this is not the time. It made me
(04:04):
think of how easy it is for women to abandon them.
It happens like that, very sneaky, Just like that, it
sneaks in, right, that you abandon yourself and what you're
what you you you were initially dating for in the
first place, right, and what you told yourself you were
(04:25):
never going to do again, what you told yourself that
you would never accept again. Right, And it's it's for
so many women. It is. Oh, I feel bad for him.
I'm not saying I don't have compassion. That's crazy. Be
a compassionate person, right, But the compassion also has to
be for yourself too. Those two things can exist at
the same time, like, oh man, I feel bad like
you're in a fucked up situation about bad headspace. I'm
(04:48):
so sorry to hear that. Also, you thinking about yourself like,
well that's done now now listen, Now, that's not something
I want to be a part of. You're allowed to
do that more than being allowed to do that. That
is what you should do, right, it is I'm gonna
say it again, it is very easy to slip back
(05:09):
into old patterns. Where you are abandoning yourself. And if
these are not old patterns, if you're listening to this
right now and you're like, shit, these are not even
old patterns. This is what I do on a regular basis,
then there you go. This is this is this is
an example of what self abandonment looks like, especially in
the in the realm of dating. Right. I say this
(05:29):
all the time. These men are strangers, These guys that
you're meeting off of these dating apps, these guys that
you're meeting in real life, anybody in real life. Yeah,
that's right. Out in the world, in the wild, in
the jungle, these are strangers, right. Other than common decency,
(05:50):
you know, mutual respect, whatever the case may be, y'all
don't really owe each other anything. Okay, So when you
meet a man, he is a stranger until you can
confidently say that you know him. That is it. That
is all right. I don't care if y'all went on
(06:13):
five dates in two weeks, he's still a stranger, right,
I don't care if y'all are together every weekend for
the past two months, still a stranger because there's still
so many other elements to him that you don't know right,
and you will not know until you are both put
(06:34):
in situations right where these elements have room to surface. Right.
It is so easy to fake fall in love with
the dude because, oh my god, we have so much
in common and oh my god, we could talk all
night and right, oh my gosh. Right, but what about
(06:58):
when the man is stressed out? What about you're stressed out?
What about when you're on your period? What about when
he's on this period? Ha ha ha ha ha you right?
What about when life is lifing? You know? What about
when you're tired? What about when he's tired? Right? What
about when life is lifing? You know? And it's really
really important. Another thing, too, is a lot of times
(07:20):
women have this like savior complex right where and again
this comes from like anxious attachments, people pleasing, so on
and so forth. Where you look at these men like
wounded birds and I need y'all to please stop doing this,
because this is how y'all fuck around. Right, So you
(07:43):
see these men as these wounded birds. Oh my god,
you pour it. This is your bird. Oh you hurt
your wing? Oh come, let me bring you into my
house and fix you. Right, And then you end up
nursing them until they their wing is, you know, good
to go, and then they fly out some mother fucking house.
(08:04):
A minute. You open the window and you're like, what, hey, right, well,
what do you expect this a bird? You know, what
do you expect? Right? You offered the bird a place
to stay, some food, some shelter, right, and and and
and and and antiseptics, band aids and pat to nurse
(08:27):
them back to live. They're like, yeah, fucking im, it's
better than laying out there to die or getting eaten
by a bigger bird. Yeah, this is what I'm gonna do.
And then as soon as they're well, you open the
window and you're like, what a beautiful day, Frank, Frank, Frank. Right,
the bird is in the sun, I'm saying, because you
(08:56):
want to know, I'm picture in my head. I don't
know if you guys ever seen this video. It's the old,
old video. It's an old video. And this person has
a duck fucking crying. This person has a duck, and
so they're bringing the duck to the pond. I guess
like the duck's first swim, and they must have had
the duck. They put the duck in the pond and like, oh,
(09:17):
it's it's Frank's. I think the dog's name was Frank,
you know, I can't remember. I think it was Frank.
It's like it's Frank's first swim and then it put
him out of there, like and the duck starts, the
duck fucks off, swims away, paddles away the person. It's
like Frank, Okay, gather myself. So I really had to
(09:39):
pause the episode to get it out because I couldn't
stop laughing. Anyways, just have to remember that a man
who doesn't have it for himself cannot have it for you.
This is how y'all end up in spaces with men
where you're fucking you know, six months and seven months
and eight months in and you're crying and you did
and you know, why can't you just and you're begging
(10:01):
and you're pleading and you're doing all this stuff and
you're drained, and you know, you're sending him seven paragraph
messages and why can't you just see how much I
do for you? And da da da da da, right,
Like this is also what I mean. You know, people
like to tussle with me, but this is what I'm
talking about. For most most women, men didn't change out
of nowhere. They were exactly who the fuck they were.
(10:22):
You just weren't listening. They were exactly who they were, right.
A lot of y'all think like, I don't know why,
like I don't know, but some like so many of
y'all come with this, you know, Oh, he just switched
out nowhere. Most men are not five time Emmy Award
winning actors. They're not They're not right, And so you
(10:47):
need to listen, right, you need to. And this is
what healing is for. And this is what in a
work is for. And this is what therapy is for.
And this is what journals are for with prompts and
coaching and so on and so forth. Right, this is
what these things are for. These resources are or so
you can learn how to check in with yourself before
you jump off the deep end. You seen. So there's
(11:08):
another one here. I thought about when a man tells
you that this is this is listen to me. This
is the one. When a man tells you that he's
in between jobs. All right, Oh, you know, I get it.
I understand that. Okay, this is no, no, no, don't
get it. This is not the time for you to
(11:31):
give someone a chance. Oh well, we all know what
it's like to be in between jobs and it's hard
out here for our pant when you're trying to make
the money for the brant and the catallacs, and like,
this is not this is not the time for you
to Again, you can have compassion for the other person, Dang,
it's hard out here, I get it, and also have
compassion for yourself at the same time. You first, obebe
(11:54):
you first, you see, because here what you are there
sitting across from a man that you just met talking
about something. He's in between jobs and wounded you is
speaking for you right the wounds you have is like,
oh poor thing dat Well, maybe you can help him.
(12:15):
Maybe you know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody.
Maybe you could put him on already trying to jump
in and save this man from himself. Meanwhile, right, if
there was a healed version of you inside, she would
be like, so why are you dating? What the fuck
is going on here? Priori? Skewed? Much like you're in
between jobs, motherfucker. You ain't got it for yourself, like
(12:40):
you your money's funny for yourself, forget anybody for you,
But you're out here dating. That's strange, that's suspicious. Your
priorty's a little bit all over the place. I'm gonna
say it was nice to meet you after this date,
and I'll probably won't talk to you again, right, But
(13:01):
a lot of women don't do that. And what happens
right in that moment, that man just told you so
much about himself without without saying anything else. I'm in
between jobs right now, but you're out here on a
date with me, and not just me, probably other women. Huh.
(13:21):
What he just told you that what he prioritizes, what
he doesn't prioritize, right, how where he takes accountability in
his life? Right? He just told you that he's kind
of slick. Shoulder shrug, right, and somewhere in there. That's
all right though. You'll take care of me, right, you'll
(13:44):
cover it when you you know, my dick will be
so good that you'll be so happy for you know it.
You'll be offering to pay my bills because it's hot
out here for a PM when you're trying to get
this money for the brant. Okay, so please don't fuck
around or you will find out. And it's that what
(14:05):
I'm saying right, And somebody in the background, way in
the far back, way way away in the back, is
listening to this episode and they're upset. They're ir eight.
You know, Oh my gosh, that's so mean, you know, happy,
haven't you ever had a hard time in life? And
what does this world come to? Where da da da
a guy can't even be back? We know in nineteen
eighty two, when I met my husband, he didn't have
(14:28):
enough money to da da da. I don't give a shit.
Save it, Write it on a piece of paper, take
it to your therapist, unpack it there. Okay, don't give
a shit. Don't give a shit. What the fuck was
going on in nineteen eighty two, First of all, wasn't
even born. Second of all, guess what, don't know if
you've noticed, But the times have changed. Okay. It is
fucking hunger games out there, all right, is fucking Game
(14:50):
of Thrones and this motherfucker okay, it is squid games
outside all right. And chances are if you met your
husband in nineteen eighty two, that the thou, whatever the
kiss may be, you don't know what the fuck is
going on, so sh sh and your husband's probably a
piece of shit too. But anyways, I see that's the
(15:13):
reason why you hus be a piece of shape because
when you met it, beat it, and a pot to
pescia would have thrown out of it. And you probably
on TikTok someoneer complaining about how you do all the
emotional labor in the house and you're still tired of
having a man who can't even play his socks in
the hamper. Shut up, you Know's what I'm saying. It
is high time that women learn. If you're going to
be out here and you're going to be frolicking, mingling,
(15:38):
brushing shoulders with the testicle humans, right, then you must
have some sense about you. And if you don't have none,
then I will say the same thing for you. What
are you doing dating? You have no business to be
dating either, right, you are your priorities. I'm not letting
(16:02):
y'all off the hook. You know me better than that.
You got excited. Some of y'all got excited. Oh shit, Yes,
it's finally an episode where CC drags the men. Nah
equal opportunities around here. I'm not biased. We both get dragged,
all right. You yourself, if you haven't been you you have
(16:23):
you know, more issues than motherfucking vogue. And you have
not done You haven't been in therapy, you haven't sat
down cau, you haven't invested in yourself in any type
of way to hear what you got going on in here.
But you are. They're dating. No, that's that's it. And no.
(16:44):
But anyways, Let's say that you were doing this stuff
right and and you were falling back into old patterns.
Let's say you did do this stuff. You do this stuff,
but you're falling back in own patterns because you feel
bad for buddy. This is when you got to stop
yourself and be like, WHOA, I don't care if you
got to excuse yourself in the middle of a date
to go to the washroom and be like, you know what,
I just gotta go patter my nose right and go
to the bathroom and go in the stall and put
(17:05):
your hand in your heart and be like, hey, deep breath,
am I feeling bad for him? And if I feel
bad for him, knowing my history, will it send me
into savior mode? What the hell was that? Benly? Are
you okay? Oh my gosh, sorry one second. This guy's
(17:28):
laying in the kitchen. He kicked the he was stredging
and hit the stove. So much things happening in this
house today, so much things. Right, ask yourself that question.
Is me dating a man who is in a weird
headspace in between jobs, has some type of issue? Is
this a red flag for me? Right? Is this something
(17:51):
that is pre my patterns? Right, going to easily have
me slip back into my old ways? Or the way
is that I am actively trying to heal from. Be
so honest with yourself. And if the answer is yes,
this is a gateway drug. This is a gateway drug.
This is a gateway drug, then that's it. That is it.
I don't care how good he smells, how pretty his
(18:13):
teeth are, how pretty his face is, how good his
his beard connects. You know, sometimes it's really hard for
men to get their beards to connect nowadays. I don't
know what the fuck they issue is bid it's pachi
pachi pachi sometimes, you know, it's hard. You know, some
men just don't grow beard at the face of in
those places there, in those places that we're not gonna
anyas you know, just soun what I'm saying, right, then
(18:33):
the answer is no. The answer is I have to go.
I have to remove myself. Right, the answer is I
can finish out my date. That sucks, whatever the case
I be. But also it's I have to save myself, right,
I have to save myself. I'm gonna finish out my date.
I'm gonna have a good time while i'm here. I'm
here already Jesus, Right, He's not doing anything bad to me.
(18:53):
You know, we're not kicking up. It's not I'm not
having a bad experience right now. So I'm gonna finish
out my date, whatever the case may be. And then
at the end of it, I'm telling myself that unfortunately
we're never going to see each other again. That's going
to be it, right, And then you guys, finish out
the date, and then you let him know this is
a really great date, and you know, I appreciate you,
and I think you're not cool. But and then whatever
(19:16):
it is that you want to say at the end, right,
But the thing is is that you got to have
You're going to have to stand ten toes down on
that decision, right, And so no matter what you say,
even if he tries to change your mind, you have
to stand up for yourself. You have to stand up
for yourself. You have to stand up for the little
girl inside of you who needed somebody to stand up
(19:36):
for her when she was seven, when she was ten,
when she was sixteen, when she was fifteen, whatever, you're
in her child, maybe all the stages, right, You have
to stand up for both of y'all, all of y'all.
Basically see what I'm saying. Uh, there's another one here
that I want to talk about. Oh yes, another example
I want to give. When a man is not listening
(20:00):
to you, right, So example, and I don't mean listening,
you're you're giving orders calm down on a Matt is
not listening to you. So you're having casual conversation and
you say something like, oh, yeah, you know, after ten PM,
I don't answer my phone, my phones on, do not disturb.
(20:21):
That's when I do my local nighttime routine, whatever the
kiss may be, and you know, just have some me time.
And he slides in, not even for me, and you're like, no,
not even for you. That was boundary test number one.
But you guys didn't catch that. You thought because he
said in a playful tone, because he's cute, because he
has a good deep voice. It's really sexy and it's
(20:43):
making you know, your coud cat get a little witty
wet you know what I'm saying, Like you're not you know.
But that was the first boundary test of him trying
to him tapping on your boundary, not even from come
on girl, not even for me, No, not even for you.
So and then he goes say it again, come on,
I'm worth it. You don't think I'm worth it. That's
the second time. Second time. Right, It's not that you're
(21:08):
not worth it. You know, I'm not saying that you're
not worth it. It's just you know, now this is
you re explaining what the fuck you just said clearly
the first time, right, nosing. It's not even that, it's
just you know, I have my thing I like to do.
I've been doing it for a long time. Da da da.
Now you start over explaining it. Now you start talking
about the things that you do after ten pm, so
(21:31):
that your no right to try to make your nose
seem valid valid enough. You see again, this is coming
from your people, pleasing wounds from your anxious attachment, wounds
from all this shit that you haven't dealt with or
maybe that you are dealing with, And it is creeping
back up. This is your test, right, So this is
(21:51):
the man. He tapped on your boundaries. Now he's knocking
on your boundaries. And then here comes the third one
where he's like, he's like, yeah, but I know, I'm
just saying, though, what if, Like I don't know, what
if it's at ten thirty and I want some ice
cream and I think we should have some ice cream together.
But now I can't call your phone because your phone
is not Just say, don't you want to have no
(22:11):
ice cream with me at ten thirty? Picture it us
walking in the park or sitting on the hood of
the car eating some ice cream under the stars. Do
you see how easy it is? But what's happening here
is that he tapped, he knocked, and then he's the
third one is the attempt to push the door down.
(22:32):
This is a man who is telling you off rip.
He don't give up fuck about what you got to say,
respect what boundaries for what? You don't give a fuck
about what you got to say. I don't give fuck
what you got to say about me. He don't give
a fuck what you got to say. Right. His goal here,
(22:54):
his intentions, his true intentions, are to get you to
accommodate him whatever it is that's in place for yourself,
he his intentions. Oh my god, that just geared this
shit out of me. Why is everything going off today? Okay, worse, Sorry,
this is my alarm. I was trying to take a
little nap earlier and I get forgot to put my
alarm on it. It doesn't matter, go digress right, And now
(23:18):
he's trying to to His intention is to have you breaks.
I was gonna say slowly but surely, but it happens
like this, off rip right, bend, twist, and break your
own boundaries. So you start accommodating to him and what
he wants, trying to put you all up in game,
(23:39):
trying to put you all up in game. And I'm
not even this is not even a police I hope
that by now you know this is not me on
a pedestal, finger wagging, whatever the case may be. Girl.
These are all things that I had to learn from
myself too, man, Like remember right, we're sking fourteen books later. Now, hello,
you know what I mean? Right? So this is if
you're feeling person attacked, unless you're feeling it in like
(24:02):
the funny, unhinged way that we like to do around
here sometimes, you know, But if you're really feeling personally attack,
please calm down, get your nikis out your butt right.
So Ye, it's very subtle. Sometimes it's it's very loud.
Sometimes it's very subtle. But it's really easy to abandon
(24:26):
yourself or start abandoning yourself again. And I want y'all
to keep that in mind if you're going to be
out here dating, right something else? Honorable mention. And I
know I've said this one before somewhere over the Rainbow
in another episode somewhere who knows, But from you here
(24:47):
a man tell you, and I don't care if this
is day first date, day one, Hey, how you doing?
My name is? Whatever the case saying me, or if
it is six months in from you here, a man
tell you that he doesn't deserve you anything along the
lines of he doesn't feel deserving of you, you're too
(25:09):
good for him. I don't care how the tone is,
I don't care what the whatever. The kids may be.
Police see that as a very clear way of him
saying that he is very insecure about himself, very very
(25:30):
insecure about himself. This is a fucking red flag because
if you are there's there's different levels of insecurities. There's
the there's the ship that we all we all have insecurities, right,
all of us. Everybody good fun who you are, right?
We all we all have our own insecurities. But there's
a difference between having insecurities and being an insecure person.
(25:52):
These are two different things, in bredren okay, two different things,
and an insecure man will ruin your life. Do you
understand the words that are coming out of my mouth
ruin your life? A few times over? Okay? So from
(26:18):
you hear those words, hey, hey, hey, this is your cue,
because there have been times that I have heard these
words and I have said, oh no, don't say that. No,
of course you deserve me narrator voice, He in fact
(26:38):
did not disturb her, disturb deserve her, and would spend
the next couple of months, the next couple of months,
or the next two years showing her why he doesn't
deserve her, because facts, you're right, you don't deserve me,
(27:00):
and I'm gonna he's gonna prove it. Here is why
you I don't deserve you. It's what I'm saying. These
motherfuckers that are really out here telling us exactly who
they are, and they're showing us exactly. Their actions are
matching their words every single day, man, like one hundred percent.
And it's it's your wounds, your unhealed wounds, or your
(27:20):
wounds that are popping back up, or your non maintenance
of the inner work that you did that you maybe
started and then fell fell off of, right, your non
maintenance that has you not hearing right. And then two two's,
Like I said, it's a year later, two years later,
(27:42):
and you're you're dead, dad da da crying in on
a group trat, You're on Instagram, you're in my lives,
you're in this place talking ball. Well, he just came
out of nowhere. He just switched up out of nowhere. No, no, no, ma'am,
no right, no. You see, there are two places that
we can listen from our wounds or our spirit. And
(28:06):
when you are wounded, you really cannot hear your spirit right.
Because I want you to think of it this way.
I want you to imagine that you just got hurt,
like you just got shot. I don't know, it's fucking graphic,
but you just got shot in your arm and your leg,
I don't know, right, You're desperate for some to help me,
(28:26):
help me, help me, help me, help me. Write your
wound is like help, I don't give a fuck where
we get it from. Help me, bitch, Like, I don't
care who you get it from. Right, So the first
person who is going to offer you a napkin, even
if it's just a napkin and you're gushing all blood,
but the napkin is better than nothing, so you take
the napkin. You'd be like, actually, you have another napkin,
(28:48):
and before you know it, you have all of the
napkins and the the the local fast food joint on
this wound right on this, on this, on on on,
on this gut, this gunshot wound is just gushing off blood, right,
not applying pressure on it, nothing, just piling on napkins,
piling on napkins, piling on napkins. This is what your
(29:11):
wounds do. They are like whatever, somebody is, there's a
man talking to us, bro who cares, who cares? Who cares?
Who cares? Ben for him, Twist for him. That's all right,
Ma'm at least somebody is paying us some attention. At
least somebody is here, and maybe they can fix us.
You know, even if it's just a little something at
(29:32):
a time. It's okay, temporary bandits ain't that bad, right, right?
What's the worst that can happen? That's that's your wounds.
Your spirit is inside of you, like trying to speak,
but your wound has it's hands over your spirit's mouth.
Shut the fuck upveryone's like, I mean your pars like
don't like shut the fuck up. Shut up, shut up,
(29:56):
always trying to be up all in the video. Shut
up like spirit can't if spirit can't get to you.
This is why it's so important to heal your shit, man, Okay,
because it it's it's it happens so quick. It happens
so so quick. I have fallen back into bad patterns
(30:17):
in the past. I have fallen back into bad patterns
in my healthy relationship. The fuck it right, I have
fallen into I have caught myself in falling into my
own back into one of a bad pattern in my
relationship with Duane. And it is Duane who had to
be like, hey, hey, hey, no, no, babe, you will
(30:42):
not abandon yourself in this moment. What is it that
you need? Okay? Do that? Thank God? I like right,
like because it happens like that, and I'm like, oh shit,
you right that it is what I need them to
say with my I need this And he's like, okay, yeah, no, right,
because it because it's easy. Your inner work is maintenance. Right,
(31:08):
So if you don't do it, well, you know, if
you don't do it, then you know you should. You
should do it. But it's not because you did a
few journal prompts and because you were in therapy that
one time in band camp for you know, three weeks
and you're like, okay, I have I know my issues,
I have it all figured out. That it's and then
you haven't done any maintenance for yourself in two years.
(31:30):
That's not how this works, right, I'm gonna again, I'm
gonna use the one of our slowly becoming one of
my favorite analogies here. It is no different than all
right you you were like, fuck it, I'm gonna get
my whatever body bag, right, I'm gonna I'm gonna drop
these twenty pounds boom. So you are doing all the things.
You are eating the foods, the right foods. You are
(31:52):
you know, data calories, you're eating the whole foods. You
are going to the gym, you're on your dep on it.
You were in there four times a week. Da da
da da da da da. Right, and boom, you hit
your goal. And let's just say four months, I don't know, right,
you hit your goal, You're like, fuck, yes, right, you
feel good, you feel nice, you feel you feel real, sexy,
your gens them fits you again from whenever back in,
(32:13):
Oh whatever, Ye're right, everything good, everyting, Chris. And then
you stop going to the gym. You stop going to
the gym, you stop doing your walks, you stop eating,
while you start falling back into the old patterns that
you had, right. I told you, I think I told
(32:33):
you all this last episode, right, one of my old
I'm an emotional eater. That's what the fuck I'll do, right,
And if I don't, if I don't catch it two days,
three days, right, if I let that shit go, I will,
It'll go, It'll go until I catch it. Right. But
so anyway, so let's say that's the situation whenever the
case am be in. Before you know it, in a
(32:54):
month two months, you gain back your the twenty pounds
that you work so hard to lose. You see what
I'm saying, Because you need maintenance that's why I think
they have a day two. When I was like, oh,
somebod to die, I'm like, no, we don't do diets
around here because they're not Those are not diets. Right,
It's not sustainable for most people. It has to become
a lifestyle. Your inner work is no different. Your inner
(33:15):
work has to get integrated into your life as a lifestyle. Right,
a lifestyle. There is a reason why people who are
in business they have mentors, they have business coaches, they
have people who know better than them. Right, they have
people that for the most part, know better than them,
and they are their mentors and their coaches and their
(33:37):
whatever four years four years. It's not because they're at
square one and they don't know what they're doing. It's
because every week that's or every two weeks or whatever
the case may be, that is their inner that's their
business work maintenance. They're checking in, They're being like, Okay,
this is what I did this week, this is where
I kind of fucked up a little bit, whatever the
case may be. It helps them keep them on track.
(34:00):
Do you undertund I'm saying, right, it is no different
than any anything anything else, right, Like, it helps keep
you on track. So if you are still somebody who
thinks that everything else is more important than you, and
everything else is worth worth your time than yourself, baby,
(34:23):
it's maybe time to rethink that is that I'm saying.
It might be time to reevaluate your own priorities, what
you are pouring into. I can't stand that word anymore.
I just need to find a replacement. It's not that
I can't stand it, it's just that it is so
overused that I'm sick of hearing it. So when I
hear myself say it, I'm like, please, you're a writer.
(34:44):
Get a goddamn the sourus. Anyways, yes, okay, moments with
my brain out loud, all right. So, yeah, if you're
not doing these things for yourself, or you think that
it's just a one and done and whatever the case
may be, no, no, no, no, no no no. Right
(35:07):
you think because you did a journal two years ago
and I was filled to prompts that everything is good.
You don't even remember, wasn't well the prompts you did, right,
except for that one that really had your thinking, But
all the rest of them you can't. You can't recite them.
Go back and get that journal right, now and do
the prompts. You know what. Go get whatever journal that
(35:29):
you have that had prompts in it that you did
a year ago, two years ago, go get it again.
Go find it. Go go reach in your closet, in
your bookshelf, wherever it can keep your stuff. Go find it.
Go look at your answers that you wrote two years ago.
Actually don't, don't look at them right away. Go redo
the prompts again. So don't look at the answers right away.
Go redo the prompts again, and then compare them to
(35:51):
what you wrote two years ago. Beg money, ben money.
This she's not going to be the same. Some areas
might be the same, some of them will not, right,
And it just goes to show maintenance. I myself have
to work on maintenance all the time. I'm not again,
I'm not sitting out here, you know better than the
(36:14):
motherfucker nobody for the most part in that air iligen
as I'm saying, I have to work at maintenance all
the time, right, I have to. Sometimes I forget to spiritually.
Sometimes I forget. Oh shit, it's been you know X
amount of months since I've done a certain spiritual word
for myself. Hey, now, right, like it happens, but this
(36:37):
is your think of this as your your reminder, your
alarm clock to get back on track. And that's for anything,
get back on track, because in the end, you're the
one who suffers the consequences, nobody else. This is your life, right,
and the decisions that you are making are being governed
(36:59):
from either your wounds or your spirit. So which one
is making the choices? What place are you making decisions from?
And if you're realizing that most of your decisions have
been been made through your wounds, well, need I say more?
(37:20):
So that's it. It's for forty four bars? Need I
say more? For forty four? Need I say more? Four?
Forty four? Go seec, go seec. I'm gonna go time
clock out? Okay, Okay, So anyways, I hope that helps
you and give you something to think about. Okay, Okay?
Quicker little random life news. Why yesterday the whole blood
clot day. I don't know why, but I thought, actually
(37:42):
not even yes the whole week. I thought Mother's Day
was on Monday. Don't ask me why. So I'm pretty
sure you guys are listening to yesterday's episode and you're like,
why do you keep saying that Monday Mother's Day. That's
not the thing Monday. No, mother Day is on Sunday.
It's only because this morning my brother texts me. He's
so funny. Hold on, he's so so funny. He goes
(38:06):
watch him text me in on a mom and early too.
I don't know even know my mother are doing it
that early. Hey dude, Happy Mother's Day. And then in brackets,
weird having to text you that now, And I was
getting ready to text him back and be like, banks
appreciate you, but it's not until Monday. And then that didn't.
(38:29):
That didn't happen, and then I was like, oh shit,
wait a minute. I was like what, like is it chum?
So anyway, it's happy Mother's Day because it's today. Have
Mother's Day and everybody out there, Happy Mama's Day. I
hope that you had the day that you wanted today, Okay,
the day that you wanted today, whatever that was it
did that you wanted today. I hope that you had that.
(38:50):
For some woman, they want to be with their kids
on mother's days. For other women, they're like, get the
fuck out of my face. All I want for Mother's
Day is for everybody to leave me alone. Other women
are like, all I want for Mother's Day is to
be able to work on what I which I'm trying
to work on the past. You know, two weeks without
a child asking me every five minutes that they're hungry,
they're cold, they're hot. Now they want a blanky, they
(39:12):
want this, they want this food and they don't want
this food. Ah right, So whatever it is that you
that you, however you wanted to spend your day today,
I hope that that's exactly how you spent it. Very
pump blink. Do you have anything else to tell you? Guys? No,
that's it. Oh that's the Mother's Day still is still
(39:38):
going on. So I'll link the link in my show
notes or you know where to go cis Caches Together
dot com. It's still going on. You still got time,
and I think that's it. Yeah, Okay, that's it. Look
at me showing up on the podcast like you got
like this is like three days in a not a row,
but like two days in a row, and then maybe
(40:00):
four days four times in maybe two weeks. Okay, I'll
give you myself credit where it's due. Anyways, ladies, I
appreciate y'all. Man. Like I said, I hope that this
podcast episode today helped you in some may shape or form.
If nothing else, it was food for thought. Finish your
plate so you can go be great. If you know
(40:21):
somebody who would benefit from my episodes, you know, go
ahead and share them. Hey, you know, just give them
a drigger warning first, you know, you know, the drill.
Don't just ease them into it, okay, give them something,
give them something a little easy to listen to first.
One of my find one of my episodes that are
a little a little easier to listen to first. Don't
just you know, Okay. Anyways, I hope that you guys
(40:44):
have a good rest of your morning's evenings, afternoons or
the book killer in the world. Please be safe, use condoms,
eh h, trust your intuition and use a discernment and
I will catch y'all on the next episode. Go me great,
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