When Old Wounds Show Up (A Vulnerable Episode on Healthy Relationships)

Today’s episode is a vulnerable one for me—like, deep sigh before hitting record kind of vulnerable. But I know it’s a conversation so many of you need to hear, so I’m taking one for the team (lol, but also… not really). We’re talking about healthy relationships—not just the soft and sweet parts, but the hard parts too. The moments where you feel exposed. Triggered. Like your old wounds just pulled up a chair and made themselves at home. I’m sharing a recent experience with Dwayne where I had to sit with feedback that touched a nerve… and how we worked through it, together. It’s a long one, because this kind of growth has layers, and honestly, some of them I’m still peeling back in real time.
So, if you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why does being loved well bring up all my old shit?”—this one’s for you.

For all of my books or for 1:1's click here: SisGetYourIshTogether.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So I remember saying some time ago in one of
my episodes that I was going to start incorporating more
conversations about healthy relationship dynamics, because the reality is, you know,
so many of us listen to content read content that
is about you know, getting over a toxic relationship or
you know, healing after the fact, and so on and

(00:23):
so forth. But I think there there's not enough conversations
about healthy relationships in real time. And when there are
conversations about healthy relationships, a lot of the time, it's
the good stuff, right, It's the you know, me with
a man, who is safe, who is kind, who is generous,

(00:44):
who is you know what I'm saying, who can listens,
who you know, all the stuff. But that's only a
part of healthy relationships. It's a very important part, obviously,
But they're because we're only seeing highlight reels or hearing
about highlight reels of healthy relationships. For a woman who's

(01:08):
never been in a healthy relationship, the actual work that
goes into one, when it comes up, it could be
a little bit scary. It can feel like it can
feel scary, and I think it's important that we have
more of these conversations. So at least I'm going to

(01:28):
have them here more often. Some things happened over the
last couple of months, and one of the things in particular,
I think I can share. As you'll know, I like
to keep things. There's certain things with Dwayne and I
and about me period. You know, I'm private with certain things.

(01:50):
Right There's certain things I'm just not going to see
because it's none of anybody's more fucking business. Number one
and number two, I like to keep the things I
really love, you know, to myself to protect them. So
I use my discarnment when it comes to sharing certain things.
But this one today is important, and it's important for

(02:12):
us as women because in a scene of how can
I say this content? You know, TikTok's Instagram posts, so
on and so forth, wherever you get your content from,
right with women who are constantly talking about the the

(02:32):
accountability and the you know, the shit that men do
and in relationships and da da da and the emotional
and availability and all this shit right as it pertains
to men, it could really I think it's warping a
lot of women to think that they don't have their
own shit, you know what I mean? To a certain

(02:55):
degree that they don't see themselves as emotionally under available,
or don't see themselves as the one who's not able
to take accountability, don't see themselves as a lot of
the things that a lot of traits that we have
as well as women. And I'm going to touch more
on the emotional unavailability part as I go through this episode.

(03:17):
So I have notes because they didn't want to forget anything.
So if you hear me doing this, because I have notes,
by the way, I face your first time, you're hello,
my name is CCB, but most people just call me B.
I forgot my whole intro. But you know, I keep
shit really around here. So basically, if you are sensitive

(03:39):
to honesty, this is not the place for you to be. Okay.
I don't sugar coachhit for myself, so I'm not doing
it for anybody else. All Right. We have a motto
around here, and that is put your triggers. It's sad,
so you've got room to open up your mind. Okay, cool, Great,
So the other day, and y'all know what I say.
The other day, I could be talking about six months ago, right, Okay,
but cool. But the other day, this is fairly recent
though the other day, Danna and I were on the

(04:00):
phone and so we're we're talking da da da. He's
at work and you know, we're talking blah blah blah,
and he says to me, He's like, hey, I want
to ask you something because there's something that you do
that really bothers me, and I want to I want

(04:21):
to clarify it, like I want to ask you about it. Right.
So he says that, and immediately I feel defensiveness creeping
up in my esophagus like vomit, you know. And so
let me make something clear. For anybody who has ever
done their shadow work, or anybody you know who is

(04:43):
recognizing or knows certain traits that they have about themselves,
you know how it can feel when it gets called
out even though you're still actively working. You know it's
there and you're still actively working on it. Right, So
one of my things is defend siveness. I am admittedly
very defensive. I know where I've traced the root. I

(05:06):
know where it comes from, and it's and I've talked
about this before in many episodes. Don't know where, good
luck finding it. I've spoken about it many times. But
this is something that was born through literally having to
defend myself. Right, It's not something that no, it's it

(05:28):
was literally born from having to defend myself from constantly
being under attack. This is a very real thing. And
this has been since I was in school, like in kidnergarten, right,
having being under attack from so many people that I
had to learn how to defend myself. And then it

(05:52):
only I think amplified, you know, once I entered the world,
you know, strip clubs and all that stuff, because it's
a doggy dog world out there, man, and if you
are not constantly on defense, you will die. That's like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, shit, physically,
you will die one way or another. So being in

(06:16):
this constant state of one being under attack, not knowing
where the next attack is going to come from, to
being in constant survival mode will do that to somebody.
Not excusing it, I'm literally giving you reasons as to
how these things can manifest and develop. So if you're
listening to this and you're thinking to yourself, ah, shit,

(06:40):
am I defensive too? Is this a real thing? Right?
And maybe nobody's ever put it in this way for
you before, Well, here it is, right. So this is
something I've been aware of for a very long time,
A very long time. Calm down, bro, Maybe like you know,
seven years, but I only really started accepting it I

(07:00):
think like five years ago, right, maybe six, girl, I
don't know, Okay, just it's been some time. And if
you've ever been in one of my No More Toxic
Relationships class, there's a module that we do shadow work,
and I've openly said right that that's really one of
my shadows in there. So I'm aware and I work

(07:23):
at it every day. I work at it a lot.
But like anything else that you work on, sometimes you
have relapses and setbacks. And it doesn't necessarily mean that
it goes away, right, It just means that when it
comes up, it's something for you to take note and
be like, Okay, this is coming up. So we have
two choices. We can respond how we usually respond, which

(07:43):
is through the wound, through the shadow, through the thing,
right and for me is defensiveness. Or we can put
our hand on our chest right and just you know,
tell ourselves, who is this information coming from? Okay, in
my case, it's coming from Dwayne. Does this person love me? Yes?
Do they have their best my best interests at heart? Yes?

(08:05):
Are they trying to attack me. Do they ever Do
they have a history of attacking me? No? So, do
I need to be defensive in this moment? No? Literally
have to do that in real time. Okay. I don't
always get it perfect, right, I don't always get it perfect,
but i'd something I do in real time. So Dwaine
says that to me, and all the things come up.
I'm like, okay, it's oh, it's happening. It's happening, right.

(08:30):
But I walk myself through it in my mind, put
my head on my on my on my chest, and
I'm like, okay, it's okay, it's okay. It's okay, girl,
it's okay, it's okay. Right. Loki also talking to my
inner child at the same time, like it's okay, you're okay,
it's okay. So he says, I'm like, okay, what, like,
what is it right? So he says to me, you

(08:54):
say okay a lot something to myself okay, okay, right.
But then he puts it in context. He says, when
I'm talking, he says, in the middle of me talking,
you'll say okay a lot, And it feels like throughout

(09:19):
me speaking, He's like, and it feels the way you
say it feels very dismissive, like you just want me
to get on with it or no, he's like, you
just want me to shut the fuck up already, and
he's like, it's something that you do a lot. He's like,
and it actually bothers me. And I just wanted to know,
you know, why do you do that? So here's the thing,

(09:47):
and I want to make something clear. I want to
set the stage. The way Dwayne asked me this question
was it was very disarming. So he did not come
as an attack. And this is what we mean when
we say, you know, when you are so wounded and

(10:08):
you're not doing your inner work, you hear through your
wounds and not through what's actually going on. Right, there's
a version of me who prior to inner work would
even though right he said, I would have immediately there
would be no conversation with my defensiveness. There would be
no whatever the case may be. I would just go

(10:29):
into this is an attack. This is an attack. Get
your own weapons ready, you're going on the battlefield. It's war.
What if are not war? War like? Right? Like? It
would have just been that. But there are so many
things that happened in this moment, right, So many little

(10:52):
things that we don't think about. So one, there's him
starting off the conversation where there's something that you do
that bothers me, Me being like, oh fuck, my defensiveness
is like, we're coming out, We're coming out, We're coming out.
Me being like, no, we're safe. Look at the source,
take a depth, take a deep breath, you know, whatever

(11:13):
the case may be. Him proceeding to speak to me
in a way that isn't an attack, but him curious.
Him speaking to me in a way that is letting
me know that he is curious. Right, So this disarms me.
I still feel I still feel it. It's still simmering
in my chest, but it's not at the brink of

(11:36):
vomit anymore. Do you understand I'm saying it's still there,
But all these things are working together cohesively to help
me calm the fuck down. And then I think about it.
I'm like, I do do that a lot, right, So
I'm like, hmm, and I say to him, I don't

(11:57):
even realize that I'm doing it, right. So I'm like,
let me think about this for a second. And I realized, Shit,
this is something that comes from my mom. So my
mom love her, love her so much. Man. But growing up,

(12:20):
my mom went. She would say something and I would
say okay, like I said, I got it, and then
she would contink. She would go on and on and
on and on and on, and I'm like, shut the fuck,
like do you know what I mean? And she would

(12:43):
do this all the time. So she would say, okay,
you know, hey, CC, when you're done with your homework,
you gotta do the dishes. And I would say, okay, mom,
because the dishes have been in this thing from nineteen
a long. Okay, Mom, because when you guys come in
the house, you have to da da da. Okay Mom,

(13:04):
because da dah da da da. Like she lit like
I fucking heard you. But she would go on and
on about it and it would carry on. She'd walk away,
she's still talking. She's in her room putting up things,
still talking. She's going on and on and on and on.
And if you're a parent listening to this right now,
you're probably thinking, yeah, because these fucking kids don't listen.

(13:27):
And I, as a parent, now I'm thinking to myself, yeah,
because these fucking kids don't listen. We have to repeat
ourselves seventeen million times. Right. Yes, that's one end of it.
But she would do it for everything. She would do
it for just every just it doesn't even matter what
it was. My mom would say, oh, later today, we

(13:48):
have to go to the store to pick up bananas.
I say, okay, because I need the bananas for the
banana bread. Okay, because last time I tryed to make
banana bread to have no bananas. Okay. I don't know why, okay, Mom,
Because you know when da da da, it's just like
a right. So I developed this thing where I would

(14:10):
just be like, what okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Right. Also,
as I'm thinking about it, as I was, we're in
real time and when I'm talking and I'm thinking about it,
and I'm like, there's also a part of me too
that I now know is directly linked to ADHD where

(14:35):
m hm, I can. I don't know how I was
gonna say it is, but to say it, but to
say it. There are some people. There's many times that
I can I can finish you. I can finish I
know what you're saying before you're gonna say it, right,
you said three words and I already know where this
is going, and there's an internal anxiety in me that

(14:59):
I feel and I did I know how to name
it before, but I have language now where I'm like, okay,
because I've already fast forwarded the conversation in my mind
and I'm always proven correct. So now I just listened
to you talk for twenty minutes when I already knew

(15:19):
what the fuck you were gonna say, and I know
how that sounds. I know you might be listening to
this thinking that's fucked up, Bee, but I'm just being
very honest about what's going on inside. So it's madness.
So I'm thinking about all of these things and I'm

(15:41):
talking them through in real time with Duane, and I said,
I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I
apologize because I can really see how it can sound
so fucking dismissive and like I don't care about what
you have to say or and or I just want

(16:01):
you to shut the fuck up. And I was like,
I'm really sorry, and I'm going to be more mindful
of that. You know, I'm going to be more mindful
of that. Dwayne then says to me, He's like, Okay,
this makes sense, right, and he says, also, to be fair,
I do have a tendency to ramble. He's like, I

(16:26):
know this about myself as well, right, And so he says,
so I too, am going to be more mindful about
my rambling. Right, My just random off rants rambling, and
we'll work on it together in real time. You know,

(16:50):
when we got off the call, I thought about this
conversation and I cried because, wow, you know, number one,
I would have never known. I would have never connected
those dots. I would have never traced that back if

(17:13):
I had never gotten the feedback. And if I had
never gotten the feedback in a way that was curious,
right in the way that Dwayne did it, I wouldn't
have been prompted in my mind to trace it back.
Had I not done and continued to do the ample
amount of inter work that I've done on myself, I
would have not been open to even receive that at all,

(17:37):
let alone, even if it was curious, I would have
still just it would have been blocked instantly because of
this defensiveness, right, that was built, like I said, in
survival mode, and is still trying to hold on, right,
because we're still I'm still learning Dwayne and I have
been what we're going to go on four years now,

(18:00):
this has been four years or to good Yeah right,
but I'm still my body is still learning how to
be safe. Am I gonna cry again? Jesus? But this
is a very real, real thing. If my body, if
I have felt unsafe since I was five years old,

(18:21):
I'm forty. The expectancy to that, like society and everybody,
you know, the expectancy that is put on us to
and even to put on ourselves too right, to just
switch because you've been doing inner work for a year,
because you've been in a healthy relationship for a year,

(18:41):
for two years, whatever is insane, like it's it's nuts.
And this is why I always because if you're listening
to this and you've you're a client of mine, or
you've ever been a client of mine, or you've been
in one of my classes, you know, that's something I
always say, is you have to stop putting time limits

(19:01):
on things like healing and inner work. You have to
stop being like, you know, well, how long does it
take for this to heal? And how long does it
take for that to hit? Maybe everybody's journey is different.
One and two, The expectancy, or the desire to want

(19:22):
something that was built and stayed with you for years,
that was built to protect you at a point in
time and to keep you safe. To just switch like
that is insane. We can't do that to ourselves, and
we can't do it to the people that we're with. Right. Also,

(19:47):
I'm maturing, that's a thing too. Right, I find myself
in a space where I feel just more mature. And
the interesting thing about that is because I have been
told since I was very young that I'm so mature

(20:07):
for my age. But now that I am in a
place where I am starting or starting to not starting to,
but I'm in a place where I'm settling more and
more into safety, I realized that a lot of this
perceived maturity that I had growing up was also based

(20:28):
in survival. Right. It came from being the eldest daughter.
It came from being around things, you know, watching my
mom in abusive relationships, being on my p's and q's
always just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It

(20:48):
came from having a heightened sense of awareness for what's
around me, what's going on at all times. It came
from just being around a shit that I have a
lot of shit that I had no business being around,
and then also having to grow up quicker than normal

(21:14):
in order to survive. So was it that I was
mature for my age? Was it that I was trying
to stay alive? You know? But now I'm finding myself
in this place of just very much more mature. Yes,
I'm forty, But just because I'm forty, I know a

(21:38):
lot of forty years old forty year olds who are seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
twelve years old in their bodies right or when they talk,
or whatever the kids may be in their actions. So
age doesn't have anything to do with it. It's the
work that you're doing, right. So yeah, I thought it

(22:07):
was a really dope moment of what inner work looks
like with your person in real time, and how it's
important when we say work together. This is what it
looks like, right. This is an example of what it
looks like. The following day. The following day, we're on

(22:33):
the phone again. I'm driving to I think I was
driving to the pet store and Duyne and I are
speaking blah blah blah, and he's talking about something and
I feel myself getting ready to say okay, and I'm like,
don't like no, right, Like I was just gonna say
okay to say yeah, I understand. So instead of saying okay,

(22:57):
I said, I hear what you're saying. I understand. And
so Dane continues a bit and then wraps it up
and then he says to me a couple of minutes later, hey,
I saw you before. And I was like, you saw me,
and he said he I said, I heard myself starting

(23:21):
to go on a bit of a tangent, like start rambling.
He's like, and I called myself back and he's like,
and I heard you. You said I understand. Rather than
saying okay, He's like, and I just wanted to say
that I saw you and I appreciate you, and I'm
proud of you, and I'm proud of me too, because

(23:43):
we both in that moment, right, you understand? And I
was like, hey, thank you, because I was getting ready
to say okay. I really was, and then I stopped
myself and I was like, what I mean to say
is understand. And this is something this little moment as

(24:05):
well is important because Duayne and I do this for
each other often. We have this thing we've talked about
this a long time ago, where it's really easy in
relationships to point out when we're doing something wrong, right,
or you know, one of us isn't like something, or

(24:25):
so on and so forth. Right, I'm saying across the board,
not just Doane, Dane, and I'm talking about relationships in general. Right,
It's really easy to give feedback that is about someone's behavior.
That is we're going to use a word negative here, right,
But what I notice is that a lot of people
they don't basically reward people or let people know like, hey,

(24:47):
I see you trying. That's what's up. Thank you, I
saw it, I see you, right, And that's just as
important and relationships as being able to give feedback and
take feedback, right, give constructive criticism and take constructive criticism.
It's also important to give each other gold fucking stars

(25:09):
because the more gold stars that you give somebody, and
you know, I'm saying gold stars, but please stay with me,
the more they feel seen and they're like, oh shit,
thank you, like you know, and it makes them want
to do it more often. You can think of this

(25:30):
ash or are we fucking kids? But the truth is, yes,
we are. I'm just gonna say that we are. I
am realizing more and more that most of us are
really it's our inner child who is running the show,
and also the component of being a parent now as well,

(25:54):
and being like how important it is to say good job,
you did, good job. I see good job, good job
all the time, and making a very big deal out
of something that you know, for anybody, it's okay, this
is okay, okay, girl, you gottap, you dusted yourself off,
and you tried to again write good job. So I'm
gonna give you an example, right, our seven years old

(26:15):
is she is a bro. She is a danger to
herself in the sense where, just like myself, she falls,
trips over everything, She's very clumsy, like I right, and
keeps saying He's like, you know, he's like I keep

(26:36):
thinking she's gonna grow out of it, and then I
look at you, He's like, she's not right. And so
one of her things is she falls all the time. Family,
like all the time. You don't even know how it's happening.
She's just booop out of nowhere. She's falling. You go baps, baps, baps,

(26:57):
and you're like, you know, and then literally five second
comes five seconds later comes she's bawling down the place, right,
But a lot of times her bawling is not because
she's hurt. It's because she's embarrassed, because she's frustrated with herself, right,
you know. So I started doing this thing with her

(27:21):
where I'm like, girl, I'm telling her, right, when you fall,
take a second, are you hurt? Did you actually hurt yourself?
Or are you just a little bit embarrassed, or are
you just a little bit feeling frustrated with yourself because
you fell again? Right? And I'm like, so when you
fall the next time, think about that for a second.
And if it's just embarrassment, a little bit of it,

(27:43):
which is okay, it happens, right, it happens. She's a
little bit of embarrassment, or is just a little bit
of frustration with yourself, just walk it off, walk it off, right,
Know that everybody falls sometimes it's okay, dust yourself off
you all right? Right, you can even maybe laugh it
off if it's not that, you know, I told her,
I do the same thing too. I trip up the stair.

(28:04):
Squirrel is okay, we are right, right. So the other
day she's there, the other day I'm sitting in the
living room. It's not like the other day. I'm sitting
in the living room. Dune I think is in the bathroom.

(28:26):
I'm in the living room and I'm in my phone.
I'm looking at something. She comes running from around the conna.
She was in the kitchen, running from around the conna.
I can't even all yours, right. I look up and
she's flat on her face. Fuck, she's flat, like flat

(28:47):
on her face. Whole body does flat on the floor.
So I say, yoh, yeah, I don't hear nothing. So
I'm looking at her, but she's kind of taking a second.
She's laying She's just laying on the floor. I want
you to picture, okay, I want if you've ever seen Insecure,
I want you to picture this scene where Issa ray is.
Lisa is going to meet what's his name? What is

(29:09):
I gonna call him? Marvin? This's not his name, Lawrence, Right,
She's going to meet Lawrence at the restaurant after she's
in this red suit, red outfit whatever, after they're kind
of rekindling or whatever. She comes into the restaurant now
and falls black, flat on her face, and she's like
he's like, oh, He's like, you want me to just
she's like, yep, just leave me here for a second, right,
that's really what's going on. So that's what reminded me of.

(29:33):
So I can tell she's like processing. She gets up.
I look at her, she looks at me. I'm like,
that's a girl. Walk it off. You good. She's like
I'm good. I'm good. I'm like you good. All right,
let's go. Yeah, you good? You good? You're good? Right,
and then she moves on like it's nothing right, So
I said, jere yourself. She's like, no, I'm okay, I'm okay,
and then she she moves on. But so every time

(29:57):
you know, something like that happens, this is this is
you know, a bit of an extreme example, not really,
but you know, I like we celebrate her, right, like, yeah,
you did a girl, you know, walk it off, walk
it up, right, because if we don't right, then the
other thing will take form. Right. So again, now she's
knowing like okay, and I suspect that she was like,

(30:21):
am I hurt? Am I just embarrassed. I'm a little
refresh red. No, I'm a little bit embarrassed. It's okay,
but it's just you know, it's okay, It's just us
in the house to nobody. It's all right, let me
walk it up. I'm not hurt, not her, And that's important,
Like that is important for your development moving forward, right,
And I think that as adults, we think that we
don't need that as well, Like we don't need gold stars,

(30:43):
We don't need celebrations for the smallest things, the smallest changes,
the smallest effort that we're putting forward. And I'm gonna
tell you, we do. We do. I felt so seen
in that moment when Joanne celebrated me, because I there

(31:06):
was a lot that went into me being like, don't
say okay, don't say okay, don't say okay, don't say okay. Right,
the whole process of my the way I would normally respond,
I had to hijack in real time, quickly, right, And
the fact that that was seen meant everything. It meant

(31:27):
everything right, And therefore it makes me want to be
even more aware the next time, or continue or continuing
not more aware, but continuing to be aware. Right. And
it's the same thing for Dwayne. When I know that
he has been struggling with something and I see him

(31:50):
make a different choice, it's a big thing. It's a
big thing. I let him know, Babe, I saw you
the other day. Man, I want you to know I'm
so proud of you, you know, And then he'll say it.
He'll be like, thank you so much. I really appreciate that,
because you know, I'm trying and it was difficult, and
you know, in the moment, I wanted to do this,
but I chose this, And like, we really talk about

(32:12):
the systems that we're breaking down inside of ourselves right
to make room for building new systems in real time,
and it's really dope. I'm going to preface this by saying, obviously,
not preface, but I need to say that, like, obviously,
if you are literally with the dude who is not

(32:34):
doing his own inner work, then this is I'm not
talking about that. I'm not talking about men who are
literal manchild children. That's not what I'm talking about. Okay,
So if you're listening to this and you have some
type of situationships, some type of what do you what
do you guys? Kids calling and not is sneaky links
about a sneaky link anyways? Right? Who is a literal

(32:59):
piece of shit and who you know? Whatever the case,
I me and you're like Okay, I just need to
give it more praises. That's not what the fuck I'm
talking about. I'm talking about two adults both actively doing
their inner work and now working together in that inner work.
That's what I'm speaking about. Or just to be very clear, right,
talking about healthy relationships, not shitty situationships with shitty men. Okay,

(33:29):
everybody thinks that healthy relationships is about picking somebody's good traits,
and yes, that's part of it, but the most of
it is picking people's baggage. And we all have them.
And the older the get you get, the more you have,

(33:51):
and so does men. Right, you are going through life,
You're getting hurt, you are unlearning, you are learning. You
are you know, having more and more experiences with life,
more and more hardships that you have to overcome. You
are being thrown more and more challenges, you know, So

(34:11):
you're gonna come with shit. You're gonna come with your
own wounds, You're gonna come with emotional bag. You're gonna
come with it. Right, so is your man. And it's
about asking yourself, which emotional baggage can you basically take
on for the rest of your life if need be right,

(34:33):
because again I'm gonna bring back what I was saying before.
We cannot this expectation of us to live with certain
things for so long and operate from one way for
thirty years, let's just say, right, and then because you
started doing your inner work, expected to change overnight in

(34:56):
a week and a month in a year is not
a good expectation to put on yourself or to put
on somebody else. And my rule of thumb here is,
is this person trying, Is this person making more and
more efforts for themselves? Is this person accepting a feedback?

(35:18):
Are we working together? That's what it is at the
end of the day, right, That's what it is at
the end of the day. I have a lot of
things that I come with from my past, a lot,
a lot, and there are some things that I will
never share publicly because it's very personal. As much as
I tell you guys all this time, all the time,

(35:38):
as much as I share, is as much as I
keep to myself, because some things are not for the
consumption of the internet. Right. So, I've been through a
lot of shit in my life and it's something that
I got to work through every day, all the time,

(36:00):
and sometimes I don't remember Sometimes I default. Sometimes I slip,
and it's in those moments that I appreciate having somebody
by my side who can say, hey, babe, you slip it,
let me help you, rather than like, hey baby, you're

(36:20):
slipping and extends his hand, rather than just looking at
me and saying you slip in, figure it out, you
slip in and walking away to go do something else.
That's the difference, right, And I realize that with the
relationship with Duyne. I've told you guys this before, but
I realize that I have never been loved before by

(36:42):
a man. Ever, I have never been loved before by
a man. I have been liked. I think that I
have been deeply cared for by a certain man in
my past. I believe that I have been lusted over

(37:06):
a lot a lot of times. I believe that I
have been something interesting to conquer and to humble, But
I have never been fully loved. It's you know, all right,

(37:30):
And I can see now how in so many ways
that I'm being fully loved by just like I, Just
like I just said. That's difference between hey baby, you're
slipping and you extending your hand out to me, versus
you slipping. You need to get it and walking away

(37:51):
and just letting me continue slipping, slipping, slipping, slipping, You
just pointing it out but not extending a hand you.
Is that what I'm saying? It is a big difference.
It's a huge difference. Dwayne has his shit too. He
comes with many, many, many many years of his own stuff.

(38:14):
When Dwayne and I got together, Dwayne had already been
I told you as this. He had been in therapy.
He was actively working on himself. It wasn't a new thing.
It wasn't like we got together and he had just
started working on himself six days ago. No, he had
been doing his journaling. He had his journals, he had
his workbooks, he had his stuff, he had his therapy.
He was in it. He was doing that, he was

(38:35):
in it. It was the lifestyle now, you know. And
that's what it is. That's the difference. Is this part
of somebody's lifestyle. Because in our work isn't something you
do once and then you go on about your business. No,
you have to sustain it. It has to become part

(38:55):
of your lifestyle. That's why I can always tell the
difference between somebody who's set is that they're working on
themselves versus somebody who actually is working on themselves, because
when you're actually working on yourself, it comes up in
your everyday conversations. Right, your thought process is something that
you thought about today based on a journal prompt, based

(39:16):
on something your therapist said, based on something your coach said,
based on you know, it's what I'm saying, a post
that you read that you decided to do your own.
You took initiative to do journal work on an Instagram
post because it made you feel something, whatever, it made
you feel, something popped up for you and you were like,
you wanted to fucking know what. Let me screenshot this

(39:37):
and later on this evening write about it. You know,
it comes up in conversation, and so it is so
important to know that it is again lifelong thing if
you it's part of your your lifestyle at this point, right,

(39:59):
it's like you know, you say, you hear all the time.
This is why diets don't work, these crash diets, because sure,
go ahead and starve yourself and eat your little bowl
of three almonds, you know, two heart of palms, and
a sweet bake, a baked sweet potato. Right, go ahead

(40:20):
and do that. That's fine, to lose twenty pounds, Go go
ahead and eat that every single day. But there's going
to come a point in time where you're gonna lose
that twenty pounds and be like, all right, bitch, that's
enough of this shit now, I would let me, let
me get a snack. Let me get a snack, right,
and you go back to all the shit that got
you that extra twenty pounds in the first place, right
because you because it's not sustainable, like eating three almonds,

(40:46):
two hearts of palms, and a fucking baked potato every
day for the rest of it. It's not sustainable for
most people. Right. So when you decide, okay, I want
to lose some weight, you must change your lifestyle. And
a lifestyle needs to support not just you losing the weight,
let's just say, but sustaining it, maintaining your body, maintaining

(41:08):
your health, maintaining whatever the fucking case may be. Right,
That's that's what it is. Inner work is no different, right.
You don't just okay, I'm gonna take this class or
I'm gonna you know whatever, you know, I'm gonna do
these general prompts that I saw that somebody gave to
me honest, social media, whatever he's going to be. And
then that said, I'm gonna be good, no, no, right,

(41:34):
because there are some things, you know. I'm gonna give
you an example, and I've used this one a lot.
My daddy wounds. They're not going away, Like I am
never not going to be sad about not having a father.
It's that's insane, right, Like to even request of myself

(41:54):
to be like, all right, get it over already, you
don't have a dad and move the fuck on. When
you talk like no, right, I will say it, all right, girl, like,
move the fuck on. In this sense where okay, we
must we have to accept it, right, we have to
accept it. So move on from that part. Let's just
accept it. But also the things that come up as

(42:17):
a result are very real and will probably continue to
come up for the rest of my life. So rather
than trying to fight that or act like, you know,
now I'm completely healed and I don't give a fuck
that I don't have a dad or whatever, rather than
do all that shit when it comes up, hold some
space for it, and also remind yourself whatever you need

(42:40):
to remind yourself. Right, Okay, So let's say it comes
up Okay, let's just whatever. It comes up at one
point in real time and I feel a certain type
of way, and I can sit there and remind myself, like, yeah,
I'm allowed to feel robbed of the experience of having
a father. I'm allowed to feel robbed of that experience. Also,

(43:03):
I can also remember at the same time, it's not
my fault. I did not choose this, right Like, it's
not my fault this motherfucker wasn't there. Three, I don't
have to let this ruin my day. Four, it's okay
to just acknowledge it and also accept that he's not here.
And that's that right. Five who is here? Me? My life? This?

(43:28):
That da da da Okay, we good baby cool, And
now we can get the fuck over it in that
moment and that you know, in that term right where
it doesn't have to take over my day. It doesn't
have to take over my life. It doesn't have to
take over It can just be a moment that came
up and that's okay, and I can hold space for
it and hold space for acceptance at the same time.

(43:52):
It doesn't have to be either or. And part of
being in a healthier relationship is being able to be
honest and feel sick here here, feel allow yourself to
feel okay, no, no, no. I like to feel safe enough
to be able to just express that, right dune those

(44:17):
I have daddy wounds at the wazoo, and I've met
as much inner work as I've done on it, right,
which is and the proof of the inner work is
that I stopped choosing men through my daddy wounds. That's enough.
That's that's in and of itself. Whoa right, the inner
work that I started doing as a result because of
my daddy wounds. My daddy wounds were driving me a

(44:39):
lot of the times. They were in the driver's seat,
pedaled to the metal, let's go, you know. So I
did enough work in that area to stop letting it drive.
But it don't mean that it's not in the car.
Would mean sometimes someplace, right, Sometimes it's in the motherfucking
truck banging and I'm like, stop it, you can He

(45:00):
has pulled over, motherfucker you in the trunk, banging and
shit like, as if I can not do you chose
to be in the trunk. I was trying to drive off,
and you asked put yourself in the trunk. Oh, motherfucking
daddy wounds and now you're banging trying to kick out
a tail light and shit, so the police can pose
over stop the shit right still in the gart you know,
it's just not driving. So for example, sometimes it pops

(45:24):
up when because Danne is an excellent father, sometimes when
I see him doing the most regular, mundane things with
the kids, like throwing around the ball would say, right
with our son, or sitting side by side with our

(45:46):
seven with squeeze with our seven year old right just
you know, her head's resting on his shoulder, she's eating
her little sunflower seeds. He's watching his show, and she
feels calm, she's safe, and it's just like the random things.
And you know, it'll it'll make me tear up because
I'm like, I hope these kids know, man when they

(46:08):
get older, Like you know, how like dope it was
for y'all to have not just a dad, but like
a dad who really loves y'all and really gives a fuck, right,
but also too at the same time, it makes me
feel sad for myself in the sense where I wonder
what I could have been, or I wonder how much
my life could have changed, or I wonder who I
would have been if I had a father who loved

(46:30):
me like that. And these two things can exist at
the same time, and when Dwayne catches them, like sometimes
he'll see my eyes tear up, he knows what's going on. Right.
Sometimes I don't have to say it. He'll just walk
up and come give me a hug and give me
a kiss on my forehead, and he'll whisper something like,
it's okay, baby, you're safe, It's okay baby, you know,

(46:51):
dead it up, whatever, And in that moment, combined it
heals a little bit more of the daddy wone, just
a little bit more right. It makes me feel seen,
It makes me feel even safer. And it cost him
zero dollars and ninety nine cents to do right right,

(47:15):
zero dollars and nine innsense. I say nine in sense
because because it's just zero ninety nine. But something I
have learned through being with a man who gives a
shit about me is that I I have to be very, very,

(47:39):
very vulnerable, which feels exposed, right, but very vulnerable. I
have to as much as Dwayne can read my mind,
because you know, he's spiritual and shit, he can't always
read my mind or some things, you know, and we
have to talk. Dwayne and I talk. So it's just
we're talking and talking and talking and talking and talking
and talking and talking talking. Right, we have to talk

(48:00):
because it is through the talking that we not just
learn more about each other, but we get to learn
more about ourselves. I would have never made the connection
between my mom from nineteen oh long, bro Like, I
haven't lived with my mom since I was sixteen years old,
you know, But that's something that I've kept with me
all these years. Right, And nobody ever, nobody, I guess,

(48:27):
was ever curious enough. Maybe it could be a mix
of both. Maybe it was one nobody was ever curing
us curious enough, and then also two because of you
know how my defensiveness kind of ruled my life back then,
then maybe nobody wanted to see I don't know, right,
it could have been a mix of both. But through
this talking, I've learned more and more about myself, which

(48:53):
has helped me, I think, see myself more clearly and
also be able to take accountability for myself in ways
that are even bigger than ever before. And so I'm
maturing as a result of feeling more and more safe.

(49:14):
But it's through these conversations. I'll give you an example.
Another example. The other day we were talking, so, oh,
this is how can I say this? So something that
has come up a lot of the time for Duayne
and I is my work. And let me explain. Some

(49:40):
of y'all know this about me, but like I'm my
head is always in my shit, Like I'm always working, working, working,
and working, right, working, working, working, working, working, And there
have been several times where Dwayne and I have got
into it, admittedly, and the crux of it was about
the fact that I'm always working. Now you might be

(50:01):
listening to this thinking, okay, all right, role reversal because
a lot of times it's women who would be complaining.
We're going to use the work complaining in the air
quotes here right about their man always working or whatever
the case may be. So this is like reversal like
a motherfucker. And for me, in my brain, I was like, well, yeah,

(50:22):
what else am I supposed to do? What else am
I supposed to do? Like this is just who I am.
This is part of who I am. Like I like,
sorry that I like my job, sorry that I like
what I do. Like I was very defensive, right, because
in my mind, you're trying to attack my work. But

(50:42):
let me give you something that connected a dot. We're
having a conversation the other day. Again, it could be
seven months ago for all you know, but we're having
a conversation at some point about this work, me and work.

(51:03):
And he comes to me from a place of curiosity.
And I can't remember exactly exactly how he worded it,
but it was in a curious tone. And I can't
remember exactly what he said, but he was basically like
in a nutshell, you know, why do you feel the
need to work? Basically like a crazy person? Right, why

(51:27):
do you feel the need to have your whole life
revolve around work? But he didn't say it like that,
but I just you know, and I for the first
time I thought about it, and again what popped up
was one survival. Right. I have had a job since

(51:51):
I was old, and since I was I told you
this was the age of twelve thirteen, right, babysitting. I
was the block babysit that are earning my keep. I
was the you know, the stoop braider burden hair heads,
you know, over five and ten bucks ahead. And as
soon as I was able to get my social insurance number.
We all had jobs after school, We had after school jobs.

(52:16):
My mom didn't have it. She didn't have extra right,
she barely had enough. Right. And so I understood at
a very young age that if I wanted life, like
if I wanted things, and I would have to get
it for myself. One two. At a very young age,
I never wanted to be a burner on my mom

(52:37):
because I knew it made her feel bad that she
didn't have it to give, even though she wanted to
so obviously, very early on, I was like, it's all right,
I'm gonna get it myself, don't worry, like you know
what I mean, to help alleviate her. But these two
things combined created something in me that it just created

(53:02):
this yo, I am not safe in the world if
I don't have if I don't got money in my pocket,
like I'm not safe in the world if I don't
have money, right. And because I came from not much,
I wanted to have a triple. I wanted my inner

(53:22):
child to have triple then, you know, than me as
a child had, And I wanted adult me to live
luxuriously dulling. That's just facts. That's just facts. Now, those
things combined like that, I already know. But there was

(53:43):
a layer that was uncovered in this conversation with him
that day, which was I've also never been loved enough
or cared for enough by a man who wanted to

(54:05):
create a routine for us, who wanted to spend time
with me. And that's crazy to say out loud, but
that's the reality. And when I say time, I mean
regular time, like every weekend we do this, or you know,
after you know, work at five pm MS or whatever

(54:25):
the case may be, we're doing something, not necessarily out
in the wild, doing something, but maybe we just snuggling,
maybe we're playing a board game, maybe we watching the
show together, maybe we you know what I mean, but
we're spending time. It dawned on me that I've never
had that ever. Yes, obviously I've dated men and have

(54:47):
been in relationships with men who want to spend time,
but not consecutively. And it dawned on me that most
of my most of my relationships with men have been
at arm's length, actually, and so my thought process has

(55:09):
always been, well, rather than sit around and do nothing,
I'm gonna get this money. Duh. That's always been my Like,
that's crazy. I'm not gonna fuck sit around. I'm not
gonna about to be no buma ass bitch. I'm I'm
gonna go with the motherfucker money and the the jobs
right that I've always worked have always allowed me to
be able to go in and maximize my profits. Let's

(55:35):
just say. Right, so when I went to the strip club, like,
I could go to work anytime I wanted, Like like
I could go to work anytime I wanted. So, if
I wanted to work seven days a week, no problem,
I could work seven days a week. If I want
to work this days a week, no problem, it works
these days a week, like I could, like, I could
work anytime I wanted. Right, if I got fired from
one club because I beat somebody up, yes, that was
a regular thing that happened for me. I don't want

(55:57):
to talk about it. Right then I could just go
work at the next club. I never was. Really, I
couldn't lose my job right because it was dependent on me.
I was a freelancer, and so I could get it
whenever I wanted it. The men in my past that
I was with and I dated operated on the same tone.
They were out there they were. They didn't have time

(56:19):
for me and then have time for me, right, And
then I decided I didn't have time for them either,
Like I wasn't just gonna sit around. I'm not fucking
total sitting home waiting blow. That was not my jam, bro,
Like I was like, I'm from Fay for you, motherfucker.
You won't get the money. I'm gonna get the money too, bitch, right,

(56:40):
And so that's what it was. They were living very
fast paced life, y'all know, you already know I was.
I was rolling with drug dealers top and not just
not no bottom feeder and drug dealers. I was rolling with,
you know, and then I did in the past where
you know. And so they were living a very fast
and dangerous and furious fucking lifestyle and did not have

(57:02):
time for me and didn't want to make it either, right,
So I just fell into this this same All these
things combined made me somebody who about when there's nothing
else to do, So why not? Just works? Right? Fast

(57:23):
forward to when I stopped dating droke dealers girl, I
entered my long distance relationship dating phase right, which worked
great for me because I'll see you when I see you,
You know, we'll take two days a week together. It'd

(57:43):
be great two days or a week, or fly out,
whatever the case may be, and then I won't see
you again for another month, two months, three months. That
works for me, right, And at the time, it did
work for in a lot of ways. It did work
at the not let me not discredit how much it

(58:03):
did work for my lifestyle at the time in that
period of long distance relationship, because it did because I
was rebuilding things, I was recreating myself in a lot
of ways, I was growing, so that lifestyle actually did
support me in the best way at the moment. At
that time. However, I never realized that I too was

(58:29):
emotionally unavailable. I never realized that I had gotten so
accustomed at being being an afterthought or not being important
enough in a man's life, that I unconsciously started keeping

(58:50):
my relationships at arm's length as well. And so I
never tied the fact that I had become or I
was emotionally unavay. I had never because in my mind
I said that before I'm up icyes with the fuck
you talking about I'm so emotionally available, which I'm so
open and honest and vulnerable, and this and the third
and Da da da, But that's was not the case.

(59:12):
What was actually happening was I was running a lot
for myself. Obviously prior to a right I was running
a lot for myself, and I was avoiding my own shit,
and I couldn't see it because, like I said, I
was too busy running for myself and then on top

(59:33):
of it, trying to perform in the ways that I
thought men wanted for me and wanted me to be
for them, while simultaneously seeing their wounds and trying to
fix them. There's so many layers, and it's so intricately

(59:55):
detailed and woven in like a fucking web, you know,
and so a lot of things. I I'm learning my
behaviors and why I was and how I actually was
through being safe enough to do so. Now it's crazy,

(01:00:20):
It's fucking crazy, and healthy relationships will do that for
you because I have nowhere to run here, right, and
I have no one to fix. So being with Duane,
there's nothing for me to fix. And let me be clear,
it's not because he doesn't have his own shit. Yeah,
he has a lot of his own shit, just like me.

(01:00:42):
But okay, let me give you example I will say, hey, babe,
insert whatever feedback I'm giving Dane about something that he
does or you know, his behavior or something right, and

(01:01:03):
we'll talk about it and he will say okay, like
thank you for telling me that da da da dah
whatever whatever the case may be, right, and then then
moving forward, he applies the feedback like you see, he
takes it and he applies it. Now, that doesn't mean that,
you know, overnight he you know, that magically disappears. That's

(01:01:24):
not what I mean by that. I mean that, like
I was talking about before, right in real time, he'll
catch himself. He'll like, he applies it and he does
the work out loud. So what is there for me
to fix? If the man is fixing himself right, and

(01:01:45):
more than that that he I don't know how to
say this loves me enough, or I don't know. I
don't know how to say this respects me, loves me enough.
I don't know, but to take the feedback and actually
like know that it's coming from a good place right,

(01:02:08):
and do his thing. You know, there's nothing for me
to fix. And when there's if there's nothing for me
to fix, then it's just here's all the stuff that
I have or all the other stuff that I didn't
know that I had in me coming up to the surface,
and it's just looking at me, and he's looking at

(01:02:28):
me with it. He sees it. He gives me a mirror.
But instead of giving me a mirror and just walking
away and be like, look at this shit, you know,
he's giving me a mirror, standing with me in the
mirror and being like, this stuff is coming up, right,
It's his turn to give feedback. It's his turn to
be like, this stuff is coming up, so, you know,

(01:02:49):
so on and so forth, whatever the case they be.
I've never had that before, never had that before, right,
and so it's very very eye opening. And yeah, it's
extremely eye opening. And so for me, admittedly, there is

(01:03:10):
times when Dwayne has given me feedback and I have
not applied it right. And that's another thing that you know,
we've had to have a conversation about too, where he's like, Bibs, like,
you know, you gotta know too that the same way

(01:03:33):
when you give me feedback, it's only to benefit me
and then us it's the same way that I'm doing
for you. And then I had to really sit with
that and be like Dang, here's another thing popping up
where it's like, in my life, I've been around so
many men who try to fucking control me and tell

(01:03:55):
me what to do, not for me, but for just
for them, right, not for us, but for them, right,
that sometimes I regress, and when Duayne is saying something
giving me feedback, I don't even realize that. I'm like, oh, okay, listening,
but then I end up not taking it because my

(01:04:20):
brain is like, AO, not gonna let no mofucker control you.
And shit, remember that last time that whatever the kiss
canna be, it wasn't to benefit y'all. It was just
to benefit that person. And I didn't even That's another thing.
I didn't realize that it was happening, right. So it's
when he we sat down and he had that conversation
with me that I was able to see, fuck, fuck,

(01:04:44):
goddamn it right, that that's what was going on. So
it really has required me to be again to continue
on my inner work, continue with my journaling, continue with
continue growing, continue all these things so that I can

(01:05:06):
be in a healthy relationship and not sabotage the fuck
out of it because I'm letting wounds run the show.
Constantly old wounds that I didn't even know were there,
right that I thought. I think I said this tale before.
I thought. I heared most of my shit, a lot
of my shit before getting into a relationship with Dwyane.

(01:05:26):
And it's easy to feel that way when you don't
you're not in a relationship with somebody who actually fucking
cares about you, right, who actually loves you enough to
be curious about you. I have never been prompted in
the way by a man in the before, in the

(01:05:47):
way that Duane prompts me. Right. I have been yelled at,
I have been cussed, I've been scolded, I have been belittled.
I've been called everything but a child of God. I
have been put down, I have been physically attacked. I
have been a lot of things. But I've never been

(01:06:08):
with someone who is curious. And that makes a difference.
So there you go. This is I guess healthy relationship

(01:06:29):
one on one. I don't fucking know, right, I don't
know what I'm gonna tell this episode, actually, but I
just I just know that with the work that I
do with so many women as they are transitioning into
these places and spaces of okay, but what does a
healthy relationship actually look like? I feel that it is

(01:06:51):
important for me to share some of the behind the
scenes so that y'all know when you're in it, like
and your fight flight or free starts to activate because
you're like, oh no, oh no, we're having an argument.
Oh no, we're having a conflict. Oh no, somebody's giving

(01:07:13):
me feedback. Oh no, oh no, oh now oh Now
that you don't fuck around and run thinking that it's
it's the same thing as what your experience used to
be experiencing before in your toxic relationships, right, or that
you don't fuck around and and oh what's that I'm
looking for? Not shrink yourself, shrink into yourself? Right, you

(01:07:33):
don't become silent because you're so used to. If you
speak up, you get punished, right, verbally, whatever, Right, So
that y'all know that that healthy relationships are going to
have their moments as well where it's not going to

(01:07:57):
feel the greatest because you are getting called out. Right,
you're getting called out with love, you know, but nonetheless,
and sometimes the way it gets called out is not
you know, it's not your favorite, right, but nonetheless being like, hey, fuck, like,
I gotta look at myself in this right and not

(01:08:18):
in a way that you're putting yourself down or you
know everything is all my fault and that as Almo
can never do anything right. No, in a way that
allows you to see yourself and your behaviors and your
shit in a way that you never maybe considered before
or didn't even know was there, because how can you
know when you were too busy in other relationships trying

(01:08:42):
to keep the peace or fix them right, or hold
on to something just to say that you have a
man or hold on to something, or operating from your wounds,
or operating from a place of low self worth, or
operating from a place right where you're trying to having

(01:09:04):
a man means somehow that you're enough, right if you
are in survival mode, fighting for your life, or fighting
for what you think you need to perceive to the
world in order to be a happy woman, to be
perceived as a happy woman, how can you have space

(01:09:24):
to How could you have space to connect a lot
of the dots that you need to connect? You know,
and I feel like so many of us I don't
feel like, I know do fucking work every day. I
know so many of us women, Oh gosh, we just

(01:09:46):
we were taught wrong or not taught at all, and
now we're at pivotal moments of our lives, you know,
your thirties, your forties, where you're like, Okay, how do
I do that? How like how do I do this?
And know, you know, there is no step by step manual.
I can't write that for y'all. I can't even tell

(01:10:09):
you that, right, you listen to the episode today. There's
a lot of moving parts, and everybody's moving parts are
going to be different, but there is a place where
they're kind of the same, right, And it's just where
it's kind of the same. Is you must as a woman,

(01:10:32):
it has to be either a man who is also
doing his inner work or no man at all. That
has to be the model that you live by, because
the quality of your life quite literally fucking depends on it,
you see, quite literally depends on it. You know, it

(01:10:57):
has to be I am doing my inner work as well, right,
and recognizing when you're with somebody who genuinely loves you
and wants the best for you, even if it's not
with them, that matters too, right, but also the best

(01:11:21):
for you and them together, the best for y'all together, right,
keeping in mind your shit, their shit, your personality, their personality,
what makes you you, what makes them them? You know,
it's important. And I just think with a lot of

(01:11:44):
the like I said, the content and stuff out there
always talking about men are part in it gets a
little lost in the midst, right, It's not easy for
me to, like I said, take that type of feedback.
Things come up. I start to get defensive stuff of
even for me too, stuff of you know, feelings of

(01:12:07):
not being enough. All these things come up, but they
have nothing to do with Dwayne and everything to do
with the shit I went through in the past and
also put myself through in the past, right, And so
when they start coming up, I have to learn how
to discern so that I'm not leaking all over him,
and on the times that I do, I have to

(01:12:28):
be able to let him tell me, hey, babe, you're
kind of leaking on me, right, like, what's going on.
Let's talk about it and allow space for that to
happen as well, knowing that he gives a shit enough
about me to even want to point that out. You know,

(01:12:50):
you know sound I'm saying, going back to my work
thing for a second, because I'm gonna wrap up because
we've been on here for an hour and twelve minutes. Anyways,
I hope that I've kept you company. But going back
to my work thing for a second, I really realized
that work is something for me. I did, like I said,
I didn't. I didn't realize that I had really merged

(01:13:18):
my self with work in that way, right, And I
even have to ask myself, like do I even want
to work this much? And the answer is no, I don't.
I do not want to be a machine. I do
not want to work and work and work and work. Right,

(01:13:38):
But my default is remember when I work at home
from home, So like, if I'm not doing anything, I
will be like, well, I'm not doing anything, my laptop
is there, I might as well get some work done.
I might as well this, I might as well that,
I might as well follow this idea in my head
down a yellow, big fucking road. I might as well this,
I might as well that. Like that's my default, right,
But like just because there's nothing to do, it doesn't

(01:14:00):
mean I have to fill it up with something to do.
I can just be And that's what Dwayne was trying
to tell me as well, like you can just be right,
even if we have nothing to do. We're not going
on road, we're not going to the op war, we're
not actually doing anything. We can just be. You know,
you are more than work. Then what he also do

(01:14:22):
telling me like you are more than work, you are
more than what you can produce. You are more than
what you can provide to the world, Like you are
more than your productivity rate, Like you you're more than that.
And I yeah, you know, And so that made me

(01:14:52):
a little bit emotional. Still working through that as well, Like,
you know, so now I close my laptop after a
certain time. I that's why. You know, if you've ever
tried to book with me or you know, try to
sign on as a client, and you wanted, like I
don't know, a six pm slot, I'm like, no, I'm sorry,

(01:15:14):
I can't. I can't. I can't write. I cannot. I cannot,
I cannot write. And it's not just for and because
I said this in the past, word it's not just
for Duane and my family and the kids to be
able to spend more time. And so it's not just
for that, but it's also for little CC. I realized

(01:15:37):
I am safe, I'm okay, I like, I'm good. I have.
I've done a lot of great, great work, and I
will continue to do great work. But I it doesn't
have to consume me anymore. I'm okay, you know. So

(01:15:58):
that's been really healing, and I'm still clearly in real
time working through that acceptance. But as I'm working through it,
I know that it feels good to say I'm not
tearing up because I feel bad or anything like that.

(01:16:20):
I'm tearing up because it's very freeing, you know. And
as much as I love to I love what I do.
I love what I do for a living, and I
love my creativeness, and I love that I can birth things,
and I see a business and everything, and I see
a way to help women and everything, and I see, like,
I love that my brain does all that it does.

(01:16:42):
Sometimes sometimes I be getting on my nerves, right, But
at the same time, I don't have to just be
one thing. I don't have to just be creating all
the time for other people. Sometimes I can just be

(01:17:03):
for myself, and in knowing how to learning how to
be for myself, then I can be for someone else
as well. So fun times, fun times. So that's okay,

(01:17:24):
you know, so I I hope that today's episode helped
you in some way, shape or form. I hope that
it gave you something to think about, you know. I
hope that it gave you a little bit more insight
on you know, healthy relationship dynamics and some of the
things that you will bump up against in those healthy relationships.

(01:17:50):
Like I said, I think we need to have more
conversations about these things. And while I am definitely not
going to tell y'all every single thing that goes on
in my relationship beause then I'm a business, there are
still there are some things that I can and I
think are important are important too. I spoke to Dane
before this episode. I said, Hey, I'm thinking about making
an episode about the conversation about the feedback the other

(01:18:15):
day about my okaying, and he was like, I think
you should. Like I think it's I think it would
really help other women out there to see a different
side of things, you know, and to maybe expand their
own perspectives on when they receive feedback from you know,
people that they who love them, so green lights all around. Anyways,

(01:18:39):
with that, oh gosh, it's we're gonna be an hour
and eighteen minutes. Well, you know, I haven't been here
for a while. We haven't talked for a while, Joe.
So that said again, you know, if it's for you,
if it's for you, If it's not, it's not, And
that's okay. I know that sometimes myself, I'm a little
bit all over the place when I talk. I know that.

(01:19:00):
That's why I always it's an insecurity of mine ps
by the way, So I've always considered myself I would
say like I'm a better writer than I'm a speaker,
because because my mind goes in so many different places.
At least when I'm writing on paper, you know, I
can erase things, I can rearrange certain things. But when

(01:19:23):
I'm talking like this sometimes, yeah, sometimes it's just difficult.
So every day that's not her thing to you. Every
day I get on this podcast, just know that I
am work actively working through in real time insecurity of mine,
and I am doing it with the insecurity anyways, right
like you know, I'm doing it. It's not that the

(01:19:50):
insecurity doesn't exist anymore, but I'm working through it anyways,
and I'm pushing through it anyways, and that's why this
podcast is here. So I hope that gives you some
inspiration as well. All Right, ladies, I appreciate y'a. I'm
gonna get the book out of here. If you would
like to book anything with me, you know I have
one off calls. Now, I have wake up calls. So

(01:20:11):
if you you know, can't do a whole three months,
you can't commit for whatever your situation is, but you
still need some help, I got you. You can book
a wake up call. The link is in my show
notes and you can just go to sisketchesh together dot com.
But you can also just click in the show notes
of this episode and it'll take you to my to
the booking page. If you need workbooks books you know,

(01:20:38):
you know I have a whole library, so you can
click the link in the show notes as well and
it will take you to that as well. All right,
my loves, I appreciate you guys. I hope you have
a good rest of your morning's evenings afternoons where the
y'all are in the world, Please be safe, use condoms,
trust your intuition, and use your discernment and I'll catch
you on the next episode. Much love, y'all, go'd be great.