The town that gives fireworks to fools

We’re turning our spotlight on the 4th of July – small-town style. Because nothing says "Happy Birthday, America!" like reckless fireworks, bizarre traditions, and a healthy dose of local craziness. Join Jessica and Karmen as they explore time-honored traditions, from marshmellow fights and frog jumping contests (how exciting), to parades featuring floats that defy all logic and taste. And let's not forget the true stars of the show – the fireworks. Specifically, the people who manage to turn a box of sparklers into a one-way ticket to the emergency room. 

We’ll share stories of folks who make you question the survival of the human species, like the guy who thought it was a good idea to launch a firework from his…well, let’s just say it wasn’t his hand. So grab a hot dog, a scoop of questionable potato salad, and join us for a celebration of all things small-town and slightly insane this Fourth of July. Don't miss your exit.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
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us A shoe workers for one.Are we Italian? I've frozen in the

(02:37):
weirdest God. That was like,Hi, you were kilted your head looking
very endearing at me. That wasterrible. That was the worst. It

(03:00):
was, Like, so it's almostfourth of July. Yeah, so hot
there right, now, no,I was outside this morning and it was
early still, and I had toget toads out of the pool for starters,
and then I had to remove asnake from my yard and it was
so hot that I was just dripping, dripping sweat. And I know we

(03:23):
covered ooob sweat and the last youknow, but I'd like to mention that
ladies do get small cross small pants. Yeah, a little bit more extended.
Yeah. Yeah, it's like it'sjust uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable.

(03:44):
But I know what moister than anoyster means. Now, oh, I
know, I know I saved itfor you because I know how much you
like the word moist and I thinknot oyster's rock a fall are. So
you know how to spot an idioton the fourth of July? I mean
I have done it? But isthere is there a There's usually ways,

(04:11):
but here's here's one for sure way. If you see a guy with his
pants down, bare bottom out,allowing people to put bottle rockets in his
ass, he's an idiot. That'strue. And you know, I think
it was hilarious when uh, youknow, jackass guys did it. I
mean, come on, they're funny. Professionals. But this is not just

(04:35):
for any old person. And I'mjust gonna say a public service announcement.
Please, those bottle rockets are notintended to be put in your orifices at
all. Yeah, yeah, Imean you you know they sparkle. They
there, what do you call thattheir wick or yeah, the wick that

(04:57):
that get that burns you're talking about? Yeah, is that what they call
it for bombs or is that calledI mean, yeah, it's a wick.
The wick of the Roman candle willburn your ass, it will it
will? It burns hot. Man. People don't really understand. I think
they think, like you know,when you're you're like brave enough to put

(05:17):
out a candle with your fingers likelike that. You know, some people
they lick their finger in like that, right. Yeah, well that is
not the same with the firecracker.It burns freaking hot. You can and
they also can just like shoot,yeah, to give them enough whatever lift

(05:39):
to propel into the air. Yeah, it's not really propelling because it's not
a propeller, but to not shootinto the air, they need fire to
give it a lift. I justdon't think people should be put I don't
you know, I think realistically,I'm gonna go out and say I don't
think people should be putting much ofanything in their butt. Yeah, that's

(06:00):
true. I don't think it's it'smeant. It's meant for things to come
out probably about it. Yeah,it's very tender area. Oh that would
really not be fun to have togo to the bathroom the next day after
a severe burn. No, no, how would you like to go to
the doctor and have that looked at? But you know, I think there's

(06:20):
plenty of there's plenty of other waysto show you how much of a patriotic
idiot you are on the fourth ofYes, absolutely, absolutely, Yeah,
we'll get into that. But likeyou to share your favorite Fourth of July
memory, Well, they are kindof like blend into one, I feel
like for me as a child,because you know, growing up in a

(06:43):
small town, everybody went to theFourth of July parade, and then,
like all the small towns around thearea, you have to kind of stagger
your celebrations because oh yeah, yeteverybody would just not come to your celebration
if you know, you had likethe fourth, the third of July,
the fourth of July, the fifth, Pioneer Days, Pioneer Days here.
You know, it's like the wholeweek of the first week of July is

(07:05):
just packed with you know, celebrationsand fireworks. But I remember that first
and foremost. But as a child, when I would go to these events,
I would go to one with mymother and one with my father because
they were separate or divorced, ofcourse. Andotic however we got to I

(07:26):
got to double my patriotism. Yeah, that's good. But I always remember
there was one night, so wewent to the small town called Michigami,
Michigami, Michigan, and it wasmuch smaller than my hometown, and we
would go there and the night beforethe fireworks, the night before the fireworks
and the parade, they would havewhat's called Vegas Night, and all like

(07:48):
the people in the town and fromsurrounding towns would get together and go to
the town hall and there would belike gambling night. There was just like
there was a lot of bengo,lots of bingo poker. There was a
poker room, and then there waslike a kid's room too where you could

(08:09):
go and I don't know, playgames and gamble and stuff too. I
guess as a child kind of likeReno instead of Las Vegas, right,
yeah, teach them. Yeah.Yeah. It was a lot of fun
because you got the fake money.Okay, it was fake money for kids.
Couldn't use real money. But anyways, I remember that because my cousins
we would all go and I havea very large family, extended family,

(08:31):
so basically the town of Shagami,I want to say about half of it
was probably my relatives, and wewould go and like infiltrate the whole town
hall that night, and then thenext morning we would come back in the
early in the morning and go tothe parade. And then all the kids
could be a part of the parade, so like you could dress up or
do whatever, ride your bike withstreamers, you know, get like a

(08:52):
bunch of red, white and blueeverywhere, put your hair up funny,
and be there in the back ofthe parade. Basically you could just ride
with the right or you could bea smart kid and actually watch the prey
to get candy one of the two, or if you had some kind of
like setup where your friend was collectingthe candy and you were in the prey,
that was like the best situation youcould possibly have. Yeah, and
then and then the real event happensdown by the water. You know,

(09:16):
for the whole day. As akid with very little supervision, we'd be
running around. First of all,there were different races you could do.
So the first one was you gotto catch your own frog, and then
you had the frog jumping contest.Whoever's frog jumped the furthest in the first
jump got got a prize. Okay, this is where as wilder shit.

(09:39):
Then there was the potato sagrays.Everybody knows that well yeah yeah, yeah,
yeah yeah. And then there wasmy favorite game of them all.
It was again a gambling game,but it was called chicken shit. And
so you know that one I thinkwe've mentioned before where there's this big table
with a bunch of markings on it. You bid on a certain spot and

(10:00):
you just wait for the chicken torun around and shit on the on the
color that you know, and whoevergets it gets you know, the money
for everyone. Yeah, I wouldsay that for my mom's birthday. Oh
yeah, yes, yes you shall, Carmen. First of all, everybody
loves chickens, right, yes,but I don't want them still, I

(10:22):
still don't want to own them.Yeah, I did learn something about chickens
the other day, Carmen. Didyou know that they have to look in
the direction they're looking. They can'tlike when you turn your head and you
can still see out in front ofyou. They can't do that. They
have to actually look at it.So if they're looking at something, you
can literally rotate their body like allaround, and their head just floats there

(10:45):
like in the same spot and theirbody's moving all around and wiggling. You
could turn it like you can almostdo a three sixty. I mean,
don't do that, that'd be wrong, but you know, with their body
and their head would just be inthe same spot like floating. That's why
you see all these chickens when they'rethey're bobbing up and down and their heads
just staying in the same spot.Have you seen those videos before? No?
Okay, well, I'm want tosend you one later. I want

(11:05):
to send you the video. Youknow, I do know that I did
learn when I was a kid howto put a fighting rooster to sleep.
Do you mean like just actual sporor like I just know to sleep.
No, put them to sleep sothey're calm. And I'm not I'm not
advocating fighting chickens because I think it'sterrible. But you know, I've,

(11:30):
like I've mentioned many times that I'vehad quite a checkered past and I've known
a lot of characters in my life. And one of those was a chicken,
A fighting chicken, yes okay,and he belonged to somebody I know,
but I you know, I don'twant to be involved in but you
put ahead. And to be fair, he was rescued from like a fighting

(11:54):
thing. He wasn't actively a fighter. Yeah, yeah, sort of you
know, walking around the barn andlike running after people. He would chase
people because but you put their headunder their arm or their wing, I
would yeah, their wing, really, it goes under there, okay,
Yeah, you like you have tospin them in a certain direction and then

(12:16):
another and it sort of mesmerizes themand then you can just set them on
the ground and they stay there fora long time. If it's that would
make me dizzy too. Maybe it'slike you put a brine fold over yourself
and someone spins your own there fora while, Like what the heck just
happen? Yeah? Get why amI sitting in worst? I remember when

(12:39):
I was a kid. We're uhlighting off fireworks, and everywhere I've ever
lived fireworks have been illegal because yeah, most people, most of the places
I've lived have been quite beautiful andheavily treed, mountainous sort of places,
and fireworks are dangerous. So yeah, so we would go to Wyoming where

(13:03):
they were legal, and then bringthem back to Colorado because you know,
and they were lighting off the youknow those round ones that whizz around on
the ground, you light up andthen they go and they uh for people
who can't see me, I'm doingan interpretive dance with my aunts, but
they and they spin fast and sometimessometimes they even like come off the ground

(13:28):
like a little saucer and they hopone of those was still going and jumped
into my stepdad's boot. Oh no, or wasn't my uncle, I don't
know, it's one of those guyswas wearing it. Yes, yeah,
well this is also a very anotherreason why we don't wear cowboy boots and

(13:52):
shorts, because yes, right,true, yeah, true, yeah,
yeah, what's the point at thatpoint? I guess he does a bit.
Yeah, but I remember that.I remember it was all like serious
after that. You know, Iwas a kid. Also, you know
those snakes I love the smell ofthose snakes that grow, yeah, little

(14:13):
black Yeah. I love the smellof those what is it this tar or
I don't know, gun powder maybe, yeah, yeah, and they just
grow, but they like ruin yourthey make a black mark forever. Oh
yeah, but black marks on theconcrete. Yeah, that was always an
issue to take it over the neighbor'shouse and Drup well, nobody cared that

(14:35):
we were like five and six yearsold with a freaking book of matches or
a lighter. I know, Iknow most of the time, because like
when I was a kid, allthe people that smoked had fancy lighters.
It was a thing. You know, it was a total thing. If
somebody had a bic you would assumethey were just you know, like math

(14:56):
casual smoker. Yeah, they wereserious about it, right, But yeah,
So I love that, and Ilove the we got sparklers. Oh,
sparklers are the best, yeahs.And they're so hot. They are
a read, glowing piece of metalthat we were just allowed to run around
with. I got a sparkler incidentsstory that literally scarred me, probably like

(15:20):
I don't know, six or sevenyears old, I want to say.
And when I would go with mydad. They would do a lot of
fireworks at camp Okay on the fourthof July. I would go with all
my cousins and hands no goals,and we go to camp on a lake.
There's a beautiful lake. But wedo all these fireworks, and they
would get crazy with the fireworks,you know, cherry bombs, putting them
in things, blowing things up,you know that. Did anybody ever put

(15:41):
them in their butt? Ah,not that I know, not that I
remember, not that I remember,but I know they slingshotted them quite a
bit. You know, that's itemlight them. Wait for it, just
about to go right right by yourface, then let it go. Yeah,
And every time, every time itwas every time, I remember the
words, oh that was a littleit too close, you know, one
more and that's all like one more, that's all, yeah, another another.

(16:07):
But I I remember being I don'tremember why I had this situation or
who put me in to this situation. But I had a sparkler in one
hand and a sucker in the other, and you know, not paying attention,
you put a sparkler in my mouth. So I had a sparkler.
You can't really see it on thecamera, but I did burn. I

(16:27):
burned my tongue inside of my mouth. That heat is like what they call
white heat. It's at It waslike it was like that white you know,
that char Yeah, I mean Iknow exactly what it means. I
had it on my times. ButI remember I had a wood burner also
a great gift. Yes, Iremember the wood alone with a wood burner

(16:52):
in the house. Yeah, Imean, but we had rules, right,
don't leave it on the floor.Don't leave it on the floor plugged
in or be or it's gone.That was the rules. So I was
like, okay, fine, buthow many times I burnt myself on that
sucking ceramic that ceramic heater thing.Yes, oh my gosh, yes,

(17:15):
that sucker. And I mean itwas like it would just burn right through
your flash and then it would justmake this like white dead mark on your
hand. That would just hide herbecause I did so bad that it became
ash. Yeah, I would justhide it so my mom didn't take my
wood burner away. I mean,I wanted that thing so bad, and
in my head I pictured I picturedmyself making such beautiful wood crash, you

(17:38):
know, yeah, of course,but I never took into consideration that apparently
the wood didn't come with it.Oh and you know, living find your
own wood. Yeah, living inthe Rocky Mountains, it was pretty challenging
for people to get me some wood. So, yeah, Michael's back then,
Really there was no Michaels first slabbedwood, you know, I mean,

(18:03):
Okay, so we could just probablygo on forever about our Yeah,
I was looking. I was tryingto like, see what is happening in
the world today with Fourth of July, considering all of the things that have
lately, like our debate and sure, the whole Supreme Court crap. So

(18:26):
I thought, that's not going tobe fun, And why don't we just
talk about some really stupid fails onfourth of July? And man, there
are so many. There are alot of epic fails, definitely, and
some weird stuff that people do,let me tell you, I know,
people posting pictures. I'm just gonnaget the ball rolling with the fem Like,

(18:48):
if you're gonna put a banner onthe front of your house, if
you're going to go through the trouble, get a dictionary. If you don't
know how to spell Independence Day,get a dictionary, or look at the
movie you know there's even a moviecalled Independence Day. I mean, come
on, yeah, I mean,look at your calendar. Does it even
have a calendar? Look at yourphone it says it has it, or

(19:11):
they do. They call it fourthof July. Now, I don't know,
I don't know a good question.I don't know. I don't know.
I'm doing it right now, doingit right now. Let's see,
so it says Independence Day. Thereyou go. If you question Independence Day,
yeah, then all you're gonna dois write fourth, Happy fourth of
July, and everybody will be justfine with that. And I've sent you

(19:34):
a photograph of some famous Fourth ofJuly cakes. People like to make cakes
for Fourth of July, and Ijust want to send out another public service
announcement. If you're going to makea cake on the fourth of July and
you want to do little rockets,the top of the rocket needs to be
much more defined than the pictures I'mseeing, because I know it's mushrooms.

(20:00):
They could be mushrooms and mushrooms.Yeah, not quite as defined like you're
saying. Yeah, I just thinkthat the top of the rocket needs to
be much more defined. Point.But also also these are like rockets that
we would make when your kids.So remember when we were kids, and
we would just take the toilet papertube or the paper towel tube and then

(20:23):
we would make a cone and putthe cone on top. Yeah, and
we thought that's what rockets look likewith a string the bottom. Yes,
yeah, it get samp tampon.But I think we know now that rockets
don't look like that, right,I mean they have a top. They
haven't. I mean, yes,you're right, you're right. You like
it's almost like like a housetop.They don't have like a housetop on them.

(20:45):
They actually are a part of thestructure itself. Like the way that
the cone actually goes. It's connected. It's not hanging off the side like
a like a roof like an eve. Yeah, like an awning or an
eve or Yeah, maybe it wasexactly what they wanted, Carmen. Maybe

(21:06):
they wanted three patriotic penises. Also, how dangerous was it? Remember those
little flags we used to get,Jessica, Oh yeah, we still get
them. People are always handing themout and kids are always running around with
these, running and round. Holycrack, it's just like a weapon or

(21:29):
a paler ready to happen. LikeI poker, something's gonna have an absolute
eye poker. Oh my gosh,yeah, no, no no. And
sometimes you get the small ones,but then you can actually get the big
ones too, those like sword length, sword length, you know, oh
yeah, I do not like those. Last night, somebody was shooting off
fireworks outside in my neighborhood and Ilive in the forest, like, well,

(21:51):
not in the forest, but youknow, I live in the desert.
It's just it's freaks me out somuch. So this year, I
think I'm just going to ride aroundwith a super soaker and if I see
anybody even looking like they have fireworks, I'm gonna squ squirre them in.
Oh my gosh, yeah, driveaway. Yeah, needs to always wait
for at the at the Fourth ofJuly Parade, the stab. You know,

(22:11):
they always have the fireman or whatever, and you get they would score
everybody right, they'd spray everybody downwith the fire hoses during the Fourth of
July Parade. And I used tohate it because I didn't want to get
but you know, I hate thatfeeling of like, ugh, now I'm
all wet or whateverbody. I alwaysgot it, you know, because my
friend was her father was a firemanand so always like look for me,

(22:34):
you know where they and I wouldget soaked. But that was another thing
that I think a lot of smalltowns do or they have the fire town.
Yeah, on the floats, youknow, you think these floats are
magical and so good. But asa kid, I feel like it was
just much more like grander than like, oh, you were in the parade.
I just saw that person they werein the parade, like, oh,

(22:55):
they're famous. He was a bigdeal. Parade. Yeah, the
PG was pretty big deal. Ialways wanted to ride around in the car,
you know, the oh yes,the cars. Yeah, the convertibles
absolutely, That's why I kind ofwanted like a converted for an old car,
like an old one. I always, I still to this day,
I want to own like a niceold classic car. Someday I will,
you know, I like a seventysix and Paula. It's like my favorite

(23:18):
black seventy six and Paula. Iwould like it's not a convertible, but
it's still one of my favorite cars. Yeah, someday someday and I'll be
in the parade. Yeah, issitting in the back seat waving, Yeah,
No, I'm going to get myown car. Yeah, we have
to do the same. We'll haveto dride next to each other. Reb
our engines scare the crap out ofkids. That's always fun. Oh.

(23:38):
Hydraulics, Jessica. Ooh yeah outhere out here you get the you know,
low riders. Yeah, those arecool. Yeah. Do you know
there's some really unusual things that peopledo during the Fourth of July during the
parades or in different cities, Likethere's you've heard of the hot dog eating
conducts. We always talk about that, right or do we talk about that?
Last time? We talk about it? Because it's just so growth beautiful

(24:03):
grouse, it's not beautiful. It'sdis guy. I don't think they be
able to dip their buns in water. I want to dip my buns in
water right now. I did dipmy buds in water earlier. And I
gotta tell you, like, Ifeel sorry for people who live in very
humid climates because, ah, it'sTucson and I'm over. I feel like

(24:25):
it's so humid here. But youknow, it's probably like not even thirty
percent out there. Probably what isit? It's crazy. In San Diego,
they have a marshmallow fight every fourthof July. Have you ever been
to San Diego during their marshmallow fight? No? No, but I would
like to. That would be kindof fun, although like it's not as

(24:45):
hot here, but can you imaginea marshmallow fight in the desert and then
they're melting on the concrete, Imean stepping in up and you know you
can never get melted marshmallow off ofyour shoes ever. Yeah, than dump.
So there's another place, and thisis some something I can get behind
here. This is something that Isee maybe my small my old small town
could really be a part of this. But in Hailey, Idaho, you

(25:07):
can do a raffle, good oldraffle on you raffle the squares of the
parade route. So the whole paraderoute this is like ten thousand square meters.
It has different squares on it.And if you buy the square that
at the end of the parade hasa road apple, which is also known
as horse poop poop, Yeah,you win. You can win the prizes

(25:30):
for that. So it's like it'slike chicken chit only during the parade.
Well, how neat is that?I think I gotta go there. I
gotta go there for this event soundsfun. I like, you know what
I think, Jessica, there's atheme here. You like anything that has
poop and fault, and I guessyou know what. Everybody poops Carmen.

(25:53):
I know, but we don't haveto play in it. I mean,
you know, I would like tohave a classic hard We're back on cars
up from nineteen seventy one, whichis the euro is Born. Oh nice,
Yeah, the Jaguar Roadster. Isit a roadster? Roadsters? Yeah?
It was like, all, yeah, that looks good and it's also
yeah, it's also a convertible andI could have my husband drive and I

(26:18):
would fit on the back and wave. Yeah. Meet your dogs like Dalmatians,
Camel. I went to karaoke theother night, really yeah really where
at Margarita Bay. Shout out toMargarita Bay and Tucson, Arizona twenty second
Street and Tucson French Fresnes were prettygood. Nice, nice, yeah,

(26:42):
And I was kind of dreading becauseyou know, people start getting real little
rowdy. Oh yeah, yeah,That's why I was like, if one
person sings that Lee Greenwood song,I was just gonna I will kill them.
And I think I left before Ihave because I know it was coming
up. I mean, oh mygod, like Lee Greenwood, get your

(27:07):
little ass into a my pillow sackand throw him over a bridge, like
for real. I mean, ohgod, yeah, I'm being an American
where list No, I'm free mmhmm. And I won't forget the man
who died. Don't lie, you'rethe one who's sang it. Don't lie.

(27:30):
I'm sorry with me. No,I just I knew it was coming.
Small town karaoke is really a hoot. It really is. Jessica,
get in there seeing some journey.Do you sing karaoke? I like karaoke
if you have a good group ofpeople, it's always fun. Called.

(27:52):
So I saw up on the board. I saw up on the board that
one woman was coming up and shewas going to sing a Whitney Uston song.
But I'm like, oh my god, no, she was really good.
She hit it, okay, good, Yeah, she really saw it
was it. It was saving allmy love okay, okay. Yeah.

(28:14):
But then I saw up there somebodyhad put up there that I will always
love you and that that one,and they took it down. But she
and her friend really good singers.They were really good, and there were
other people in there that weren't,but they were having fun. Yeah,
having fun is the biggest part ofthat. Yeah. Oh yeah, sometimes
need like a drink to get megoing, you know. Yeah. Well,

(28:37):
if we were gonna go sing karaoke, what as a duet? What
song would we pick? I wasjust thinking about this other day, Carmen,
that's weird our our duet song.Yeah, I forget though. I
like classic rock, you know,seventy eighties music, So what about Barrek

(29:02):
kudah? Yeah? I just thoughtof our song? What what? It's
a Donnie and Marie song. Youthis. I'm a little bit country and
I'm a little bit rock and roll. Yes, I hope everybody has a
nice, safe Fourth of July.Please don't shoot your gun on the fourth

(29:25):
of July in the air, right, that just sticks everybody out, and
and what goes up must come down, So let's just not do that.
Right. That's a great song.Wheel got to go around. I can't
believe this is like our we saidour third Fourth of July on small Town
Already at least I heard there weregoing to be dancers for Small Tale.

(29:48):
Yes, they're over at gid.We should crash that odd one day we
should win in our buttholes. Okay, okay, Thanks everyone for joining us

(30:10):
today on small Town USA. Ifyou want to hear more small Town hit
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(30:33):
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