Rome’s Worst Serial Killer Was A Woman

Wanton killing was common in Ancient Rome, but most mass murderers were Emperors and Generals. One woman, though, killed hundreds if not more. Not for conquest but for business. And practice. And Nero. 

Subscribe to the Softcore History Patreon for hundreds of hours of extra history content including listener history questions, history movie watch-alongs, and weekly bonus episodes.


Rob Fox
https://www.instagram.com/robfoxthree/
https://twitter.com/RobFoxThree
https://www.tiktok.com/@robfoxthree

Dan Regester
https://www.instagram.com/danregester/
https://twitter.com/dan_regester

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
You are now listening to soft Core History. What is up?
Welcome back to Softcore History. I am your host for
the week, Rob Fox, joined as always by Dan Regester.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
Always a pleasure to be on the show.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
Rod.

Speaker 1 (00:26):
Happy to have you back, and we have a very
special returning guest, one of the favorites of the program,
Missus Jesse Wiseman.

Speaker 4 (00:35):
Oh, thank you and missus Jesse Wiseman even Yeah, missus,
I like.

Speaker 1 (00:40):
That I wanted to address you formally after spending eight
hours listening to your sex noises, yeah, the last day
and a half.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (00:49):
Do you like at the end when you were letting
me listen that I just looked you right in the eye. Yeah,
because I was like, you need to know, yeah, that
this is a really uncomfortable thing that you did. But
when is it coming out?

Speaker 1 (01:04):
She should be next week.

Speaker 2 (01:04):
Very excited.

Speaker 3 (01:05):
We have a sketch coming out next week on the
Patreon pageon dot com Last Software History where Jesse and
Jack Mandeville Next, Sweet Sweet Love.

Speaker 1 (01:14):
Sweet Audio Love, Audio Love.

Speaker 4 (01:18):
There's something kind of you know, like because we're into
the amateur stuff, Bob, you and I, there's something kind
of uh naughty about an audio only do you know
what I mean.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
Well, I think the audio is for me. That's like
half the fun.

Speaker 4 (01:34):
Right, do you search like dirty talking? You know what
I mean?

Speaker 1 (01:38):
Sometimes it's if I get an amateur VID and then
she's just a mouse.

Speaker 4 (01:42):
Dude, hate that shit off? What do you think this is?

Speaker 3 (01:46):
Dude?

Speaker 4 (01:46):
This is your one chance? Yeah, one chance.

Speaker 3 (01:49):
A big JOI guy, what's that?

Speaker 2 (01:52):
What instructions? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I get on a cam and
I'm like, tell me what to do.

Speaker 4 (02:00):
Yeah, like a teaching moment.

Speaker 1 (02:03):
Now, because I'm married, I do have to do it
in the hall bathroom at midnight.

Speaker 4 (02:08):
Oh cool? Yeah, yeah, that makes it amateur, right, you
go amateur on amateur.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
I love that it don't lie you sneak out in
your car.

Speaker 4 (02:19):
That's so much even creepier neighbors walking by, Yeah, it's
very It's an open neighborhood.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
Like everyone is. Our neighborhoods so dark because it's one
of those dark sky neighborhood where everyone walks their dogs
with like flashlights and ship'd.

Speaker 4 (02:32):
Be like yeah yeah, and all the break ins that
are happening, they'd be like.

Speaker 1 (02:36):
Hey, hey, yeah, who's in his car?

Speaker 4 (02:39):
And then they would immediately understand do you know what
I mean? Like, if it was a dude, like a dad,
You're like, all right, Like I fucking get it.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
Bro'm sorry, man, you turn your dome light off. That'll
just be my one request.

Speaker 3 (02:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (02:53):
That's the thing with these, you know, all the cars,
with all the sensors, I'd just be worried that, like
something would fucking turn on or you.

Speaker 1 (02:59):
Hit one wrong. But yeah, all of a sudden, you're
doing it for the whole neighborhood.

Speaker 4 (03:03):
Yeah, because we're all rich. What's up?

Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, gated community? What up?

Speaker 4 (03:07):
What I know? I fucking just realized that you have
a gated community.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
Yes, I can't relate to your break ins comment, I
live in apartment for the people out there.

Speaker 4 (03:17):
Yeah, because you're doing it right now. Listen, Bob and
I say success Yet, Bob and I would say there
are moments where we go, God, we miss the fucking apartment.

Speaker 3 (03:26):
Dude, Rob comes from money.

Speaker 4 (03:27):
You call somebody to fucking fix your shit. It's amazing
you could walk away from that thing and live your
life still stress of that gone.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
I mean, you can literally just be like, God, damn it,
my apartment's on fire. You're like, Hey, the apartment's on fire.

Speaker 4 (03:46):
It's not fire, dude.

Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah. Now, if there's like a hole in my wall,
I'm like, my life's over. Yep, that is a fight.
I'll never recover from that. Financially, yep, patch it up?
Did I'll never recover from that financial Who No.

Speaker 4 (03:57):
Because we could patch it up, but it's not gonna
be professional. And if we ever try and sell it,
that's the one thing that.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
Yep, yep, you will still have to get someone to
pay for it.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
I think the appeal of owning a home is to
moa lawn.

Speaker 1 (04:10):
That is truly one of the happiest moments of my
week is mowing the lawn.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
Throw the earbuds in.

Speaker 4 (04:15):
Yeah, sitting down or pushing.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
Be a little egregious to have a I have a
big backyard, but not bringing up for.

Speaker 4 (04:22):
A rider, dude, a little patch. I'd get a rider.

Speaker 3 (04:27):
Push mo, you decompress, get away from your kids, your wife.

Speaker 1 (04:31):
Oh you fill out that exercise circle real fast on
your Apple Watch.

Speaker 4 (04:34):
Oh no, ship when I see people in the summer,
you do that ship.

Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah. I usually have to do it during the kids
naptime too, so it's like a two o'clock mo.

Speaker 4 (04:41):
What the fuck? Using lots of weight.

Speaker 3 (04:46):
What the kids are just staying asleep as you know.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yeah, they got noise machines.

Speaker 4 (04:50):
And by the way, that's like a noise machine for them.
Like if you started at the right time and just
keep it going.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, don't.

Speaker 3 (04:57):
Also, maybe get a sniff of the gas can.

Speaker 1 (05:00):
Yeah, it's a good smell.

Speaker 3 (05:02):
Some of the simple pleasures of life.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
Yeah, I do like to have some gas. Yeah, it's fun.

Speaker 4 (05:07):
I would say, try it out, but don't do it
because we're all envious of you.

Speaker 3 (05:12):
Do you know what I mean of sniffing gas or
living in an apartment.

Speaker 4 (05:15):
Oh, I will say, like own a house, but don't because.

Speaker 1 (05:18):
We have an early day to day. Yeah, just even
the family stuff too. We have an early day. And
I was like, oh, sick, dude. If I time it
right and if this show doesn't run overly long, then
I get to get home right when my kids napping,
and then maybe I get to take a nap for
like forty five minutes.

Speaker 4 (05:32):
That's happened to me maybe two times in my life.
And it's amazing.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
He's not even excited if my wife, if I came
with his wife, if my wife came home and was like, hey,
do you want to fuck write down? I'm like nope,
I'm napping, which is gonna make me come a thousand
times harder.

Speaker 4 (05:46):
Oh yeah, just let me nap it out, nap it out,
nap baby. Alright, Sorry, sorry about all the banter. You know,
I like to banter guys.

Speaker 1 (05:56):
You're good, You're one of our best banter cos banters.
But we have an episode for you today because you
are the host of Crime Corner, the wildly successful crime show.
Thank you, if you can find it anywhere.

Speaker 3 (06:09):
I'm occasionally producing it. But yeah I got bombed.

Speaker 4 (06:12):
Yeah you'll probably be back on it. But anyway, hell yeah,
we've got a revolving door of producers for sure. But yeah,
doing quite well once videos on Spotify. People are liking it,
so I don't know, check it out.

Speaker 1 (06:30):
So we got some crime for you today.

Speaker 4 (06:33):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
You're the crime queen.

Speaker 4 (06:35):
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (06:37):
But of course, and we're gonna do something you're never
gonna touch.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah.

Speaker 3 (06:42):
In a million years, do you guys have like a
window where it's like we don't go further than like
fifty years back.

Speaker 4 (06:47):
Yeah, we've done a couple, but it's it's hard to
relate to that kind of freedom when it comes to crime.

Speaker 1 (06:53):
It's like oh yeah, right literally yeah, And also you
can't relate to the victims like, oh, she worked twenty
hours in a button fan and yeah, prostitute for the
other eight hours a day.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
Yeah, days were twenty eight hours for laborers back then.
And right it's like, I don't I mean, it sounds
like it was a relief.

Speaker 4 (07:11):
Yeah, they're not tracking cell phones, no, do you know
what I mean? They're not got CCTV like you really are.
Just like, there's if you get caught. Here's the thing.
If you get caught back then you're a piece of shit,
sloppy motherfucker.

Speaker 1 (07:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (07:23):
So that's that's what kind of interesting.

Speaker 3 (07:25):
It's like taking the drug test and getting popped for cocaine. Rightly,
so the system within forty eight hours.

Speaker 4 (07:31):
You want to get caught. You're bored at that point.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
You're right, come on, you do have a problem if
you fail at drug test with cocaine. Oh, you actually
have a problem, yeah, because you're doing it too much. Yeah,
but today we have one of the most infamous killers
in all of ancient Roman history. Okay, and more than that,

(07:56):
it's a lady Ooh, I.

Speaker 4 (07:58):
Was gonna say Roman history, this one's for the ladies,
but it.

Speaker 1 (08:01):
Is for she was not just a murderer, but an assassin. Okay,
a poison queen.

Speaker 4 (08:11):
We always are. We keep it clean, do you know
what I mean? Nothing? Nothing, hack him up, gory, No,
we keep it nice and clean.

Speaker 3 (08:20):
Get a little flirtatious poor a glass of wine.

Speaker 1 (08:25):
That that is how one of them happened in this episode.
She's a clever little minx too. We're talking about Lacusta
of Gaul, Emperor Nero's master of poisons.

Speaker 4 (08:37):
Master poisons.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
What a t actually, I believe technically it was the
Imperial poisoner.

Speaker 4 (08:44):
Even fucking batter by the way I would have gone
with that one.

Speaker 3 (08:47):
Yeah, just having somebody on staff that masters poisons.

Speaker 4 (08:52):
Bring out the poisoner. I don't want to bring out
I don't want to bring up ditty, but like, bring
out the poisoner.

Speaker 1 (08:59):
Yeah, that's the sort of power that people just don't
have anymore.

Speaker 2 (09:04):
He's not in court if he has a poisoner.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
No true.

Speaker 4 (09:07):
True problems taking care of true true.

Speaker 1 (09:10):
So Lacusta. Not a lot is known about her early life.
She was born in Gaul. We know that much modern
day France. Uh, And she probably grew up and she
was a commoner. She's a peasant, and she probably grew
up learning about herbs and botany because she was poor
and just had to eat leaves basically her whole life
growing up like that situation or that might even be generous.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
And a couple of her friends died eating the wrong thing.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
And you're like, oh, yeah, you has to know which
mushrooms are bad, which plants are bad, which was yeah,
so she knew. She grew up knowing like you can
eat this, don't eat this, that'll fucking kill you, so
on and so forth. At some point, they don't know
when she moved to Rome and was still obviously a

(10:02):
poor girl or whatever, and was like being poor sucks.
How do I make some money? And then she was like,
you know what, everyone in the city's an asshole. I
bet they'd be into poisoning each other.

Speaker 4 (10:15):
Everyone in Rome is an asshole.

Speaker 1 (10:17):
Yeah, okay, it's just like a city, like you know,
people like Washington, DC's the swamp, like multiply that times
a billion and you have Rome.

Speaker 4 (10:25):
Basically, yeah, I do hate everyone out there.

Speaker 3 (10:27):
Yeah, so that's why the in cels gravitate to reme.
Uh okay, modern day.

Speaker 4 (10:33):
Okay, because it's something that they were men.

Speaker 3 (10:38):
If you're you're about ancient Rome, you gotta be down
the fuck guys.

Speaker 4 (10:42):
Yeah, that's what I see. Like I don't ask it
because I'm just like, whatever, I don't want to get
into a conversation about ancient Rome, right, But I'm just like,
but what is that makes sense? Like when men were men,
but they were so manly that they were powerfully.

Speaker 3 (10:58):
Banging, banging each other, dominate another man each other.

Speaker 1 (11:02):
Also boy slaves also, So that's what I'm saying, Like,
if you're an in cel and you're like I want
to bed, we're mad A shoot, Rob, I don't. I'm
tired of all this queer modern shit and like I
have a terror. I have horrible news for you. Horrible
news for you.

Speaker 4 (11:17):
Real quick. It's still a little history podcast.

Speaker 3 (11:21):
And so they were kind of chads though, you know,
if the woman's giving you a lip, you just go
over and bang your boy.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
That was I don't think I told you about this
in an episode where we did an episode of just
like ancient Roman sexuality like stories for Asia and uh
as a wife try to credit put yourself in this situation.
I know you say it's hard to uh empathize with
like a murder victim from the eighteen hundreds. Try to

(11:49):
see if you can see if you can wrap your
mind around this on the show before. But I guess
at one point some ancient Roman wealthy person, patrician class
person and noble was like with his wife ife at home,
and she was like, I will never never let you
do anal with me.

Speaker 3 (12:08):
Ever, she just said it.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
I guess that's how it came up in some way.
And he laughs at her and yanksen his teenage slave
and bends him over and shows her his butthole, and
it's like, you think I want that? Look at this,
I guess whenever I want.

Speaker 4 (12:30):
Rob, You're taking a lot of liberties with this story.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
Right, I mean I'm not speaking Latin, I guess.

Speaker 4 (12:38):
Okay, it's loosely translated, right, yeah, Okay.

Speaker 1 (12:42):
Like I'm a fucking look like Danny McBride, and this
is the end or whatever. Yes with Channing Tatum, flight
into that whatever I want.

Speaker 4 (12:49):
Whenever I want.

Speaker 1 (12:51):
So anyway, she's like, because the.

Speaker 4 (12:53):
Slave is just there to be pimped in. Okay, I
really don't understand the room.

Speaker 1 (13:00):
But yeah, it's an interesting place in time. Yeah. So
she moved to Rome and she's like, dude, I bet
I can sell poisons like crazy and just like crush it.
Yeah so she does. And business is a booming because greed, ambition,
all this shit is just rampant in Rome. People want
to kill each other constantly for little things. And like
you said, if you get caught for killing someone any

(13:23):
time before nineteen eighty, yeah pathetic.

Speaker 3 (13:27):
You're sloppy, especially.

Speaker 4 (13:28):
If you have money, like the people that are hiring her.
Oh yeah, you have money, and you get caught in
this era, you're a fucking idiot.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
Problem is, business was booming. Girl boss right, making money.

Speaker 4 (13:44):
My favorite term, I love it.

Speaker 1 (13:46):
But she got too popular.

Speaker 4 (13:51):
Well known? Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:53):
Word got out. She's probably someone rolled over on her.
Yeah who would some slob who did get caught rolls over.

Speaker 4 (13:59):
Okay, yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (14:01):
For sure, she gets thrown in jail, gets tossed in
Roman jail.

Speaker 4 (14:06):
Of course it's her and not the person that writes her.
But anyway where she likely you know, would have just
rotted away.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
He just rotted behind bars. Sure, but she was that good,
and word got out all the way to the top,
all the way to the top of the Roman Empress Agrippina.

Speaker 4 (14:28):
Oh it is a chick at this time.

Speaker 1 (14:29):
A well, she's not. She's just like the queen. She
just like, there's there's an emperor. Oh okay, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (14:35):
Yeah, come on, come on now, dude, what are you
fucking even talking about.

Speaker 1 (14:39):
So this is Nero's mom, Agrippina the Younger. So in
fifty four BC, Agrippina worried that her son Nero might
not ascend to the throne because it's her son. But
it's only the Emperor Claudius's adopted son.

Speaker 4 (14:56):
Oh so it won't the lineage isn't gonna write.

Speaker 1 (14:58):
And he's got other kids. Vine Nero's the oldest. Yeah,
he's the oldest, and he has been adopted. And a
lot of people do just get adopted into it, Like
a lot of emperors are adopted sons of the emperor
they succeeded, so they can fuck him. Yeah, I mean maybe,
I don't know, you're not You're probably right, right, But
she's still worried. She's like, I need to lock this down.

(15:21):
I need my boy to be the emperor. So She's like,
I'm gonna pull I'm gonna kill Claudius the emperor. I
need to kill him to make sure Nero inherits the
throne because all the other kids are pretty young. Okay,
I like old enough.

Speaker 4 (15:33):
So this is your window.

Speaker 1 (15:34):
Yes, okay, So obviously not easy to murder an emperor.
He's got guards, food testers, so on do they have? Yeah? Okay, yeah,
they've got food testers and all this.

Speaker 4 (15:46):
Shit that like they drop dead and they go yep, yep,
yep every time.

Speaker 3 (15:51):
You're like, yeah, you're going through a dozen food testers
a week.

Speaker 4 (15:56):
Yeah, no shit, huh yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
But I mean if the food tester drops dead, you're
immediately just kill basically kill anyone you suspect of doing it.

Speaker 4 (16:02):
Oh yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:03):
So they need a real sexy plan to get around
the food tester. Okay, Agrippina great poisoner, that doesn't just
mean kill.

Speaker 4 (16:14):
Ah.

Speaker 1 (16:15):
So she cooks up a little something gives the food
tester slash guard some diarrhea. Okay, and he's got a
call in sick, like in the moment, almost like right
twenty minutes before he's like oh god, and like just
runs out that bad Yeah.

Speaker 4 (16:36):
So then and back then by the way, diarrhea, get
your affairs in order, your fucking you're fucking dead.

Speaker 3 (16:42):
It'll be your last day yea, yeah, yeah, super dehydrated.

Speaker 4 (16:45):
Yeah, it's whatever it is. Diarrhea killed you back in
the day.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
Immediate, almost immediately, almost immediately. Yeah, just like one run
and you're out and you're in what a way. You're like,
and it's by the way, there's public toilets. Oh bath,
So you're just dying around.

Speaker 4 (17:01):
Oh, you're welcoming it at that point, right, You're like
it's almost like a gift. Where're like, yes, I will die.

Speaker 1 (17:06):
I think this is horrible.

Speaker 2 (17:07):
I need to leave.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
Yeah, So she gives the guard diarrhea. With him out
of the way, they serve a plate of mushrooms to Claudius,
it's his favorite food, and sprinkle that with poison, and
Claudius is just like, oh.

Speaker 4 (17:21):
Mushrooms, fuck up, this big fucking grossed Yeah, fucking just
powering up like super Mario.

Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah, just houses this plate of mushrooms, eats him without hesitation.
But being a cautious man, he's the emperor, he knows
that poison is a weapon that would be used against
him at anytime. Obviously, he has a food tester also,
just as another backup plan and a safety shoot.

Speaker 2 (17:48):
He keeps a.

Speaker 1 (17:48):
Feather on the table with him to induce vomiting if
he suspects he's being poisoned. So he just jammed that
feather down your throat. Get the poison out. Aren't you
happy you live in twenty twenty five?

Speaker 4 (18:01):
Seriously, what a horrible way to make yourself too.

Speaker 3 (18:06):
Yeah, before our meal, we're not going to say a prayer,
but I do need my feather?

Speaker 4 (18:10):
Yes, can I have my puking feather, my long peacocks.

Speaker 1 (18:16):
The poison kicks in. Claudius starts. His doctor, who is
in the room, jumps into action, grabs the feather, starts
just jamming it down its throat like throw up, live live.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (18:33):
But this tricky little girl thought of that too. She
thinks of everything.

Speaker 2 (18:39):
The feather's poisoned.

Speaker 1 (18:40):
Feather, so it's poisoned.

Speaker 4 (18:43):
What she's so good?

Speaker 1 (18:45):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (18:46):
She hot?

Speaker 1 (18:47):
I hope, so right? We don't know the only there's
no paintings of her, course the Augusta of gall There
is a funny painting that from like the Renaissance.

Speaker 3 (18:55):
Yeah, that's her.

Speaker 1 (18:58):
This kind of spoils something later once she becomes imperial poisoner.
It's just a painting of her testing poison on a slave.

Speaker 4 (19:06):
Okay, yeah, I mean hot back then was a different thing.

Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah, who knows, but.

Speaker 4 (19:13):
Yeah she was able to. You can't do all this
and not be like a little bit good looking, right,
you would think.

Speaker 1 (19:19):
And honestly, maybe she's wasn't that good looking for them,
but like good looking now because she's like probably thin
because she grew up.

Speaker 4 (19:25):
Yeah, exactly, and they're like ew gross, yeah exactly here,
you've never eaten anything.

Speaker 3 (19:30):
She has to induce the male gaze in order to distract.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
Right, right, or she's so unattractive that no one noticed
pays her any attention.

Speaker 4 (19:39):
Yeah, and they wouldn't think of her. Actually that's literally
not even probably the case.

Speaker 3 (19:43):
But you'll get that gross bitch out of here.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
I'm not looking at this. What the fuck? Yeah, you don't,
doesn't it. You don't even clock her, it doesn't.

Speaker 4 (19:49):
Yeah, it's almost like no one's in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got you.

Speaker 1 (19:53):
So the feather had been poisoned, Claudius dies and Nero
A sends to the throne.

Speaker 2 (20:02):
Did he not have his succession plan in order? No?

Speaker 1 (20:05):
And so Agrippina was like just made sure to.

Speaker 4 (20:09):
Like she had this small window of like, if this
happened suddenly he hadn't we can get him right in there.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
He and she had enough supporters that were like, you know,
just grab the boys head, here's the cow good, don't
ask any questions.

Speaker 3 (20:22):
Yeah, hose ain't loyal. Did she even like her husband?

Speaker 4 (20:25):
No, No, anyone like their husbands back then.

Speaker 3 (20:29):
Yeah, but maybe she made a sacrifice for her son.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
Well, he also had multiple.

Speaker 4 (20:32):
Wives, so yeah, there was no like love. It was
really just like how do I get to the top.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
She this woman's making business decisions?

Speaker 3 (20:42):
Yeah, cut throat, they all are.

Speaker 4 (20:44):
That's why. Like a hole as a hole and nobody's
like in love.

Speaker 1 (20:48):
No, no, that didn't exist.

Speaker 2 (20:50):
Actually there was. There was one dude that was in
love and it cost him.

Speaker 1 (20:53):
Oh yeah, yeah. The emperor who was before he was
a couple of a couple of people before Nero. Right,
he was right now, right for Augusta. So he was
like two or three emperors before Nero.

Speaker 3 (21:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (21:04):
Who the other emperor was like, ah, for business reasons,
I needed to divorce that wife you love and marry
a new chick.

Speaker 4 (21:11):
And it drove him insane, the guy that had to
get divorced. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because he was actually in love.
Yeah well first mistake.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
Right, I was thinking like mark Ane, Oh that too,
mark Antony also love really well, I don't think that
was love. I think that was lust.

Speaker 4 (21:26):
See okay, now I get it too, Like the the
obsession with ancient Rome, right is like it wasn't There
was no like love.

Speaker 1 (21:36):
It was all just you do what you gotta do, right,
do you gotta do and do what you want to do, do.

Speaker 4 (21:40):
What you gotta do, do what you want to do.
Because now we know that kind of love will ruin everything. Yeah,
it's the fall of the entire empire. Is love if
you break it down.

Speaker 1 (21:51):
But going, so, Nero ascends to the throne. But Nero,
who famously was not a nice person, uh, needed more
people debt Okay, so he asked his mom's poison, Wench,
to take care of someone else for him, because, like
I said, he was, you know, shoved onto the throne.

(22:14):
But Claudius's other sons still existed.

Speaker 3 (22:16):
Right.

Speaker 1 (22:17):
Oh so at this point I guess Agrippina like employed
Lacusta but didn't free her from jail.

Speaker 4 (22:27):
So she had to like go back to jail when
she was done.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, so Nero.

Speaker 4 (22:31):
People, dude, they just fucking treated him like shit.

Speaker 2 (22:35):
Right.

Speaker 1 (22:35):
So Nero comes to her and.

Speaker 3 (22:37):
You gotta be in a dungeon to kind of, you know,
brew up your your witch poison.

Speaker 4 (22:42):
The dungeon in their cast whatever it is.

Speaker 1 (22:44):
What I don't know what her leaf access is in
a prison, right, but she's got the knowledge and that's
what counts. So she's in prison. It's fifty five a
d I said PC earlier. Ad Uh. Nero comes to
her cell and is like, I need some fucking and
poison because I got a younger brother, Britannicus, and he

(23:06):
is Claudius's son, and there are people who think he
should be the emperor. So he's got to go. That
nine year old has got to go.

Speaker 4 (23:14):
Oh geez, he's a threat.

Speaker 1 (23:20):
Okay, so he's like any well.

Speaker 4 (23:22):
Whatever, Yeah, they can be quite threatening.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (23:25):
Probably in that era.

Speaker 1 (23:26):
Too, he might have been like twelve. It just said
he wasn't even a teenager. Okay, so he's not yet
a teenager. I think nine is just a funny age
to say.

Speaker 4 (23:34):
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 (23:35):
So apparently Nero was not just worried about the fact
that he had was heir to the throne. He was
also this is a direct quote from an ancient historian,
he attempted to poison Britannicus as much out of envy
because he had a sweeter voice as from apprehension of
what might ensue from the respect that people entertained for

(23:56):
his father's memory.

Speaker 4 (23:58):
So he was also just he just really didn't he
didn't like the cut of his jim.

Speaker 1 (24:03):
I think he was jealous that people liked Britannicus. Sure,
Niro was a fucking weirdo.

Speaker 4 (24:08):
Sure adopted there always gonna be like, fuck the real kid, right.

Speaker 1 (24:13):
Nero was an ugo to a ginger an ugo and
neck beard oh yeah, and sadistic as fuck.

Speaker 4 (24:20):
Yeah, well, clearly do you have all that going on
in this time?

Speaker 3 (24:25):
I imagine he showed signs in his teenage years as well.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
This is allegedly what Nero looked like. Oh god.

Speaker 3 (24:37):
Nero famously had parties where he would just have Christians
as human torches.

Speaker 1 (24:41):
To like the room okay, slashes background music for a
few minutes.

Speaker 4 (24:49):
This fucking eras bonkers. It's yeah, I'm starting to understand,
it's starting to get it. It really is just like
anything you can think of.

Speaker 1 (24:59):
They oh, any fucking any weird.

Speaker 4 (25:03):
Ass thing they did, Yeah, probably tried it out.

Speaker 1 (25:06):
It's it was just it was pure trial and Arabic.

Speaker 4 (25:09):
Yeah yeah, yeah for everyone.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
Like you guys, we've been a civil like civilizations existed
for like three thousand years. We don't know what we're doing.

Speaker 4 (25:16):
Let's like figure some shit out, you know.

Speaker 3 (25:18):
Like morality is not a real thing at this point.

Speaker 4 (25:21):
No, No, they're trying to find the line of like
reality and what we're gonna call what's right and wrong
right wrong, what we're gonna like all do and not do.

Speaker 1 (25:31):
And it's almost like, honestly the way you could do
it on like a civilizational timeline. Yeah, as it's like
raising children, right, Like you see like your ten year
old or your four year old do something and you're like,
what the fuck are you thinking?

Speaker 4 (25:45):
Right, and you're like no, no, no, I don't even
know that could be in your mind. So I'm gonna
now make that a rule.

Speaker 1 (25:51):
Right, right?

Speaker 3 (25:52):
Yes, So that was it.

Speaker 1 (25:53):
Yeah, that's how the that's like on the human scale,
that's where these people are at.

Speaker 4 (25:57):
They would walk into these rooms and be like oh no, no, no, no,
we're not gonna do this.

Speaker 1 (26:03):
We shouldn't, Yeah, but they do it first and then
they're like, oh.

Speaker 4 (26:07):
Boy, I mean a couple of us liked it. You're
the weirdos go over there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (26:13):
Yeah, So poison could not simply be poured onto britannicus
food to drink because he also, of course had.

Speaker 4 (26:21):
A food oh even more so like that.

Speaker 2 (26:23):
Also, wouldn't that be very obvious? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (26:25):
And that's the other thing too, It's like if he
gets poisoned, then again you gotta go start just killing
anyone you suspect and stuff like that. So and you
couldn't even if the poison was slow acting, so the
food tester doesn't die right away. If the food tester
and Britannic is die, then people are like it was
slow acting poison. That's the same result. Yeah right, Yeah,
we gotta go kill everyone we think was involved in this. Okay,

(26:49):
So she tried lacusta to poison Britannicus once, really subtly, uh,
And she opted for arsenic, but she used too small
a dose. She wanted to make it seem natural, not suspicious, sure,
but she didn't dose him enough and Nero was fucking pissed.

(27:12):
Now this is a guy completely sadistic, like we said,
lit Christians on fire for funzies. Yeah, yeah, kicked his
pregnant wife to death at one point.

Speaker 4 (27:20):
We're going to put that in the no pile.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 3 (27:22):
They felt bad about it though, and renamed his boy
slave after Yeah he found boy.

Speaker 1 (27:28):
Yeah, he found a boy that looked like.

Speaker 4 (27:30):
Her and cut off his dick whoa whoa bud I
mean okay.

Speaker 1 (27:35):
Married him for the rest of his life, dressed him
up like just all on the street.

Speaker 4 (27:42):
The nero did.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
Yeah, so a lunatic had a slight resemblance to his
ex wife that he killed.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
Felt bad, so he you know.

Speaker 4 (27:51):
Just he looks a little he took off this kids,
we have some inbreeding proper back then. Yeah, he's got
a an inbred forehead type.

Speaker 1 (28:00):
But sitch, I mean, if you he looks Appellation, there
we go. Thank you, Yeah you say it, Okay, sorry
to our Appellation listeners, but you know who you are.

Speaker 3 (28:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (28:11):
The X Files did a really great job of.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
The band episode.

Speaker 3 (28:14):
Right, it's bold talk coming from the Ozarks over there.

Speaker 1 (28:17):
I'm not from the fucking Ozarks, same same state, are
you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 3 (28:24):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (28:24):
The one where the Ladies under the Stairs. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah great up. Didn't they like end pretty soon after that?

Speaker 1 (28:33):
I was right in the middle of the run.

Speaker 4 (28:34):
Really maybe I just stopped watching after that.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
I was like no, no, But it never aired on
TV again for like years because they were like, you
did what you wrote? What Fox was like, oh, I
didn't check that script.

Speaker 4 (28:47):
Bro, it's burned into bring it up all the time.

Speaker 3 (28:52):
That's such good boys.

Speaker 4 (28:54):
That's Nero. But that's nearro, do you know what I mean? Like,
that's what I'm thinking.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
Yeah, you're on, You're right on.

Speaker 4 (28:59):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
So Nero is furious and uh beats her, whips it
flogs her, and it's like, if you don't get it
right this time, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Speaker 4 (29:12):
You don't want to kill the like master poisoner.

Speaker 1 (29:16):
But going right, you would think that she'd be like, well,
all right, I'm gonna poison.

Speaker 3 (29:19):
Torturing the poisoner seems like a bad idea.

Speaker 1 (29:21):
Yeah sure. So now Nero is like, fuck, caution, this
dude just needs to fucking die. So Lacosta's like, all right,
I gotta I guess, I gotta uh you know, get it.

Speaker 2 (29:34):
Get it right.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
This time. So, uh, she starts testing poisons to get
it like exactly right and everything specifically on children. I
guess Nero just provided her with a gaggle of younglings
to uh.

Speaker 4 (29:48):
To test poison on.

Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yeah, just a bunch of little birds.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
Okay, so that was a thing that happened.

Speaker 4 (29:57):
Cool.

Speaker 1 (29:57):
So we're at a party now, all right, and Britannicus
is presented with a goblet of wine. Right, but obviously
you can't just poison the wine because it'll be you know,
someone will die, right, So what they do is they
heat up the wine a funck. It's hot as fuck, right.

Speaker 2 (30:18):
So.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
Britannicus obviously gives the wine to his food tester to
test it, and he drinks it and he's like, oh god,
that's fucking hot. It's not poisoned, but O Jesus Christ,
that is hot, and uh, Britannicus is like, oh okay, cool, cool, cool,
and he gets some cool water to pour in the
wine to cool it down, and then drinks the wine.
The water was poisoned.

Speaker 4 (30:39):
Water was poisoned.

Speaker 1 (30:42):
Because they knew little baby Britannicus, who is not a teenager,
he's gonna need to cool down the wine for his
soft little boileps ans drink hot wine.

Speaker 4 (30:53):
That that that plan is pretty bonkers and could have
many points in it. Could have like really drink cold
water just like hot wine, like I'm having something else,
I don't know, hot wine. We're gonna cool down hot wine.

Speaker 2 (31:14):
So it sounds like a bad time, yes, in general.

Speaker 4 (31:16):
Yeah on wine in Rome? Please yeah, get a new gloss.

Speaker 1 (31:22):
Someone else cool or like it's or he could have
even been like, oh okay, it's cool. Well I'll wait
for him to cool.

Speaker 4 (31:26):
Down any any number of things. She's already gotten beaten.
I don't know, this was a weird one. I'm just
saying that's a real risk.

Speaker 1 (31:34):
But he drinks, pours the poisoned water into the wine,
drinks it falls to the ground, you know, like Geoffrey
Brathy and styling Game of Thrones like sure, and uh,
everyone's like, oh ship, what's happening? And Nero just pops
in and it's like it's cool, he's epileptic. Oh it's
cool taking to his bedroom. Silly britty god having another seizure.

Speaker 4 (31:55):
It's fly annoying. Sorry everyone.

Speaker 1 (32:00):
Can you believe people want him to be emperors?

Speaker 2 (32:02):
Seriously? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (32:05):
Yeah, so he goes dies in his room. Sure, Nero
buries him the next day in a like in a
raging storm, and it's just like, yeah, he's dead, dies
on a groutside, don't know.

Speaker 4 (32:15):
Yeah, we gotta do it though, you gotta be you know,
you know how it is?

Speaker 2 (32:18):
Okay he did? They make up a story like oh
he ran away.

Speaker 1 (32:21):
Nope. They're just like, yeah, that Caeesar killed him.

Speaker 4 (32:23):
No, because I'm sure there was people with him, you know,
like he probably had to have these I'm imagining some servants,
so he can't say like, oh he ran away. It's
like there's witnesses at that point, right, right.

Speaker 1 (32:34):
There's only so many even servants you can kill before.
People are just like.

Speaker 4 (32:40):
Yeah yeah yeah, Like if they want something, then they're
like wait a minute, are.

Speaker 1 (32:44):
There forty less servants than their work?

Speaker 4 (32:46):
Yeah? Because like I needed something the other day and
like no one was around. Don't get it for me now,
I'm mad.

Speaker 3 (32:54):
Faces are names that are gone. But they know that
something's off.

Speaker 4 (32:57):
Yeah, they know that they're not getting their stuffed you
know what I mean. Yeah, So.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
Boom, no more challengers to the throne. Nero is good
to go, and he hooks a girl up oh, he
gives her a He appoints her imperial poisoner, gives her
a large estate, servants. She's a made woman.

Speaker 4 (33:23):
Whoa red flags? WHOA why did that lady get so rich?
What did she do? Yeah, it's always when they're like,
you know, they cash in the insurance check.

Speaker 3 (33:39):
And I'm think people were that smart back then.

Speaker 1 (33:41):
Because even more sus is that he officially pardons her
for all the poisonings she definitely did. Hmmm, So she
immediately the poisoner immediately gets a pardon and is granted
a large estate and servants becomes a nobility for all
intents and purposes. Yeah, and everyone's like, huh, all right,

(34:01):
that's interesting. I guess what are you going to do
confront NERO?

Speaker 4 (34:08):
Exactly right, he has a made poisoner like that will
now do Yeah, so you don't. He's a scary dude
at this point.

Speaker 1 (34:18):
He'll do anything.

Speaker 3 (34:19):
But don't the Roman troops just kind of like take
out embers all the time.

Speaker 1 (34:23):
Not yet, Okay, this is not that area where the
Praetorian Guard is just constantly like, but you're annoying.

Speaker 4 (34:30):
Yeah, we're still in trial and error territory.

Speaker 1 (34:33):
So she spent some happy years living in her estate,
poisoning people at the discretion of Nero, and Nero relied
heavily on poison to get get their job. I guess
at one point he poisoned his aunt to seize her estates.
She was apparently extremely constipated, probably from poison, so she

(34:58):
was given something to constipation.

Speaker 4 (35:01):
Poison.

Speaker 3 (35:01):
Yeah, I'd rather have the no ship, dude, constipation going out.

Speaker 4 (35:06):
That's cruel.

Speaker 1 (35:07):
Funny you say that. So it was a nice one
to hunch. So they give her poison to constipate the
fuck out of her, and then Nero shows up and
is like and orders her to take a laxative to
feel better. But it's a fatal dose of laxative, and then,
after being constipated for some excruciating amount of time, ships

(35:28):
herself to death. Yeah, rips and half yeah yeah, yeah,
with the fatal laxative dose that Nero makes her take.

Speaker 2 (35:36):
Dude, he was just trying to be a good guy.

Speaker 4 (35:38):
I abolicle, Dude, I guess I shouldn't.

Speaker 2 (35:41):
Be trying to help my hand.

Speaker 4 (35:42):
Yeah, constipation, I was just normal, right, Like, how diabolical
he is?

Speaker 1 (35:46):
Right, Yeah, I would say, well, no, even for the time,
people were like this guy is fucked ita.

Speaker 4 (35:52):
Okay, we're starting to get like, h.

Speaker 1 (35:55):
Yeah, like have some decency about it, right, Okay, Like
it's the it's the different it's between like I don't know,
jfk And and Bill Clinton maybe or something, right, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 4 (36:09):
Where you go like let's keep it a little bit
under rat right, and then we're like all right, no,
we gotta stop.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
Yeah, yeah, you were just out of control.

Speaker 2 (36:17):
You did what with a cigar?

Speaker 1 (36:19):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (36:19):
Yeah, like you're fucking a Nero like that.

Speaker 1 (36:23):
You know.

Speaker 4 (36:23):
He was just trying stuff out late and move on.

Speaker 1 (36:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (36:27):
I guess we don't think about that enough, right, Like
how fucking weird he was with ship? Yeah, cigars in places.

Speaker 1 (36:33):
And then absolute just like second control it.

Speaker 4 (36:37):
Oh dude, he was you should be in charge of
no one insatiable.

Speaker 1 (36:40):
Yeah, I guess so kills the zamp and LaCosta is
still just crushing it. Just an imperial poisoner, you know,
like living a good life, a life she could have
never dreamed of, being a forest nymphant gall love it. Uh.
And she decides, I guess that Nero's instruction to an extent.

(37:01):
But she's like, I'm not gonna pull the ladder up.
I'm gonna get back. She starts training other poisoners. She
opens a poison school.

Speaker 2 (37:11):
She was a madame of poison.

Speaker 4 (37:12):
Yeah mmm mm hmmm.

Speaker 3 (37:16):
Can't be sharing your secrets, oh willy nilly, Like.

Speaker 4 (37:19):
No, not with other ladies, because ladies, ladies.

Speaker 1 (37:24):
But you know she can't be. She can only be
in one place at a time. Nero needs poison here, there,
and everywhere.

Speaker 4 (37:30):
She went some time off, she's seen the other side, right,
and she's like, I want to relat.

Speaker 1 (37:34):
I mean, when you're running a business, eventually you want
to hire other people to do work that you don't
want to do. Right, that's all she's doing.

Speaker 4 (37:42):
She just feels like she's gotten to that point. I
get it.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
So she opens the school and and she's, you know,
just constantly working on recipes and shit like that. Nero,
being the gracious boss that he is, good boss, uh,
sends her slaves and convicted criminals to test her poisons on.
You know, She's like, I need a few people like
theory can only get you so far.

Speaker 3 (38:03):
Yeah, right, you've gotta I like.

Speaker 4 (38:05):
The convicted criminal. The kids one was rough.

Speaker 1 (38:07):
Yeah that's a little but.

Speaker 4 (38:09):
Yes, then the fucking right. You know, just normal dudes,
I guess in this era are like nightmares.

Speaker 1 (38:15):
It's like the still bread and you're poor, you're gonna
go to this lady's estate.

Speaker 4 (38:19):
Yeah exactly. It's not actual criminals, it's the people that
are just like I just wanted to eat.

Speaker 1 (38:24):
Really, you're gonna get one final meal life in prison.

Speaker 4 (38:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (38:28):
So she's loving life, she's crushing it. She's Nero's girl,
you know what I mean. Sure, but unfortunately she's Nero's girl.
Nero goes down.

Speaker 3 (38:44):
Oh I was gonna say, narrow short shelf life to
be his girl.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
No, he never turns on her. He never turns on her.
She's too valuable, too useful. But everyone else turns on Nero.
Oh no, yeah, because they're like, fu, I can't fuck
take this guy anymore. He is a psycho. He's rough
to look at me.

Speaker 4 (39:04):
Yeah exactly. That was the main thing.

Speaker 1 (39:06):
He keeps making me call that boy his wife's name.
It is not his wife. I know what he did
do his wife.

Speaker 4 (39:13):
That's all happening in this time.

Speaker 1 (39:15):
Same time period. So in sixty eight a d the
citizens revolt against Nero, The Senate condemns him and Nero
is like, well I'm fucked and runs out of Rome,
pieces the fuck out of Rome and kills himself. Okay,

(39:40):
because he's I mean, he's like, there's nothing, it's over,
Like I'm not.

Speaker 3 (39:44):
He does not get the end, and he deserves no, no,
no no.

Speaker 1 (39:47):
Some some say it was with a poison, that a
special poison Lacusta gave him, you know, a break. Okay, yeah,
because even he's like I'm doing and some stuff.

Speaker 4 (40:01):
Yeah, this can only last so long, even in room.

Speaker 1 (40:06):
Yeah, I'm really testing the limits. Yeah, and I'm gonna.

Speaker 4 (40:10):
Keep doing it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm
not gonna stop, but like at this point, someone's gonna
stop me.

Speaker 1 (40:16):
Someone's gonna get mad, I imagine.

Speaker 2 (40:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:19):
Yeah, that's what we talk about, like serial killers and
people in this era where it's like you get to
a point where you're just like all right, even like
normal just human brain kicks in and you go, this
is bad. Yeah, yeah, like I got it.

Speaker 1 (40:34):
Should catch me at the point I'm the ripper. Do
you know what I read about BTK the other day
that I didn't know and maybe you do know this.

Speaker 4 (40:42):
I think I know a lot about him. He's my favorite,
but go ahead.

Speaker 1 (40:45):
At one point he stopped murdering for a while, yeah,
because he was running the HOA and he got just
he got off just as hard from getting people for
HOA violations yep as he did killing. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:58):
For like what was it like ten seven years or
something like, it was a long time. He was like,
you know, I think Cobscout Leader and HOA and he
was just like, I've got shit.

Speaker 2 (41:09):
They found his true colin.

Speaker 4 (41:10):
Yeah, like I I'm in charge of shit. And that's
like kind of all he wanted, which is why he's
very He's an interesting.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
One because he wanted in control.

Speaker 4 (41:19):
He just wanted to control. And if you if he
was able, I don't know what happened with the HOA
if he was able to like keep that.

Speaker 1 (41:26):
Going, stay busy. It sounds like he was a bit
of a nero on the HOA, right, just really yes,
every tickie tack.

Speaker 4 (41:32):
Oh yeah, he loved giving violations and driving around. I
think what happened with if I remember right, with the
HOA is that he started like driving around looking for violations,
trash cans out whatever, and started to get that like
itch when he would drive around and look for oh,
and found on his you know, hoa drive or whatever

(41:53):
those drives found like some new people, Yeah, some vulnerable
mom and kids by themselves in a house. And did
he get voted out of the HO Way. I don't know.

Speaker 2 (42:06):
That's when he turned down.

Speaker 1 (42:08):
That's what I'm if these people are like, God, this
guy can't get any worse.

Speaker 4 (42:13):
Yeah, he must have been really bad though, if it
was feeding the need to bound and torment torment people,
so he must have been pretty bad.

Speaker 1 (42:23):
It's just like that makes sense to me that he
would the power thing. Yeah, that that would get him
off like enough. Just he's just like hiding in a
bush watching someone like read the note on their door.

Speaker 4 (42:34):
Yeah. Yeah, and he loved it and like, but.

Speaker 1 (42:40):
People, And honestly, you could say that the people who,
let's just say, for the sake of argument, unelected him.

Speaker 4 (42:45):
Off of the h O Way, right, are to blame.

Speaker 1 (42:48):
They have blood on their hands.

Speaker 4 (42:49):
Yeah, you gotta let those kind of people like.

Speaker 1 (42:54):
Keep the monster in. It's doesn't matter how much noise
it's making, because if you think it's just gonna run
off into the woods, you're wrong.

Speaker 3 (43:00):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (43:02):
So Nero, he's out. He kills himself. I don't know
if it was with the poison or not, but he
did allegedly have the break glass in case of emergency,
a little gold box.

Speaker 4 (43:14):
Oh sweet, a little special gold box bunkers.

Speaker 1 (43:18):
Yeah, his little emergency box. So Nero's immediate successor, Emperor Galba,
very quickly is like, well, we're cleaning.

Speaker 4 (43:27):
House anyone, Yeah, anyone that was in his pocket. Let's go.

Speaker 1 (43:35):
All of these people are pieces of shit, just the worst.

Speaker 3 (43:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:41):
So they're all dead during the swamp yeah, literally literally
so the historian, Uh, so they're all arrested and sentenced
to death. The historian Cassius Dio rights Lacusta, the Sorceress
and others of the scum of the earth or others

(44:01):
of the scum that had come to surface in Nero's day.
He Goalba ordered them to be lead and chained throughout
the whole city and then be executed. So Goalba wants
to clean house. By the way, whether or not you
were even a bad person in Nero's.

Speaker 4 (44:16):
Orbit, yeah, because you can't take the time to like
figure that out, right, and you just don't. He was
so diabolical that you're just like, I can't trust.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
Right, everyone's got I go. So we've talked about this
on the show before. I'm certain you don't know this
because it's horrifying and takes place in ancient Rome. But
his boy wife Nero's boy wife, for example.

Speaker 4 (44:35):
I'm still wrapping my head around all that. But yeah, yeah,
with the dick cut off and stuff.

Speaker 3 (44:40):
Yes, yeah, he means a pretty unifo.

Speaker 1 (44:43):
Yeah, he was a unich Okay. So he was sentenced
to be taken to not the Colisseum because that didn't
exist yet, but to the arena, the pre the stadium
before the Colisseum.

Speaker 2 (44:55):
Still getting games off, yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:56):
Still get still playing games. He was ordered to be
uh raped to death by as many gladiators as could
get it before he just expired. But he was like
he heard about that and was like nope and killed himself.

Speaker 4 (45:13):
Bleep.

Speaker 2 (45:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (45:14):
Yeah, like they all probably had a little breaking break.

Speaker 3 (45:19):
Yeah, well you know, maybe I don't know.

Speaker 1 (45:21):
You know who didn't.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
Ironically, the poison Queen.

Speaker 1 (45:28):
Did not have a break in case of emergency, but
herself poison.

Speaker 4 (45:33):
You know what's weird though, is she knows too much
about what it does to you. I don't know if
she would want to, like if you know everything of
like what it does and how you die and the right.

Speaker 1 (45:44):
And the and it's not like the fast. These poisoning
us are painful.

Speaker 4 (45:48):
Yeah, yeah, and she you don't know it, like even
like breaking like the Nero doesn't know right, so he's
just like and like slot like dies this horrible slow.
I mean it's Oregon breaking down death.

Speaker 1 (46:01):
Yeah, it's like the equivalent almost of like chucking bleach,
where you're just like your insides are on fucking fire. Yes, yes,
so she doesn't do it, doesn't poys herself or maybe
she didn't have time. Maybe she is caught or she's
able to. I don't know now if you thought Nero's
boy wife sentence was bad okay, Lacusta, I don't know

(46:25):
if they thought she was like head bitch in charge
of being awful in terms of being in Nero's cabinet, you.

Speaker 4 (46:32):
Know what I mean, right, like she was telling him
people to do it instead of just being told.

Speaker 1 (46:37):
Yeah, but they really a first off foreigner, b second
off poor sure, like yeah she was given a States
but that's new money trash.

Speaker 4 (46:46):
They were always gossiping about her having that house, like
we know how she has it.

Speaker 1 (46:52):
She has killed at this point, you gotta think hundreds of.

Speaker 4 (46:56):
People, yeah, family members, you know, yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:59):
And just testing a lot. Yeah yeah, got a house
at Toort. I mean, she's got hundreds of bodies.

Speaker 4 (47:04):
And let us not forget she has a poison school, right,
so that's pretty hardcore.

Speaker 1 (47:09):
Yeah yeah, yeah, so they're like, this one is going
to feel the pain. Oh no, so similar to Nero's
boy wife, she gets a similar sentence. Okay, fuck to death. Sure,
but not by gladiators. That's too nice.

Speaker 2 (47:33):
Mm hmm, that's too high status.

Speaker 4 (47:36):
They uh they plus they only like dudes. Yeah, but anyway, I.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
Don't I don't know how to put this delicately. Uh.
They they brought in a giraffe.

Speaker 4 (47:47):
What how's it doing?

Speaker 3 (47:53):
How does the draft down?

Speaker 4 (47:55):
What is it?

Speaker 1 (47:57):
They found a way?

Speaker 4 (47:59):
They really are like the deepest, darkest corners of porn. Yeah,
I just imagine, just like you don't know how it's
gonna work, but you're like.

Speaker 3 (48:10):
A giraffe's gotta have just a hog on it.

Speaker 1 (48:14):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (48:14):
Yeah, so that's what I was saying, like not a
I just thought you were going to say a whorse
or something like this.

Speaker 3 (48:18):
But he's also so high off the ground.

Speaker 2 (48:21):
I don't know how he gets.

Speaker 1 (48:22):
I think they built something to her.

Speaker 4 (48:24):
So they built that's what I was thinking of stage
or built some kind of platform.

Speaker 1 (48:28):
Yeah, a hole.

Speaker 4 (48:30):
Right with the arms and the thing and cool.

Speaker 1 (48:33):
She was fucked to death by a giraffe in front
of a cheering crowd listen.

Speaker 2 (48:39):
There wasn't a ton of entertainment options back then.

Speaker 1 (48:43):
So yeah, people talk about We talked about on the
show all the time about phones are ruining society, Like
you know what people entertain themselves with prior to phones
and TV?

Speaker 4 (48:51):
Yeah, give them a phone, do you know what I mean?
Give them something to like let out those types of
weird urges and.

Speaker 3 (48:58):
The wife going on a day night. Oh you want
to go see this lady get fucked to death by
a giraffe.

Speaker 4 (49:04):
They heard that was happening today. Oh yeah, yeah, I
didn't know they were doing that.

Speaker 1 (49:08):
I was in the forum and there was the announcer
guy was I just thought it was interesting. I've never
seen a giraffe before. I guess not an ideal way
to see a draft for the first time, but it's
when else are we going to see a giraffe? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (49:19):
Yes, that's an alien right.

Speaker 1 (49:21):
Yeah right, Most people are like, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 3 (49:24):
I don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 (49:25):
There was another so, like two hundred years prior to this,
when when the Carthaginians invaded Rome, the Carthaginians had elephants, right,
and you know, we're we are very twenty first twentieth
century brain where it's like, oh you oh no, I've
seen not one hundred times at the zoo or whatever. Yeah, Dophan,
sure I've seen pictures of that's not it doesn't exist
for these people, giraffes, elephants. It might as well be

(49:47):
another planetrue. So when the Carthaginians came to the battlefield
with elephants, a bunch of people were just like nope.

Speaker 4 (49:54):
Yeah, yeah, they're like this is alien invasion. Basically they
didn't even know what that meant. Yeah, but there's like, no,
I don't know what this is. My mind is exploded.

Speaker 2 (50:03):
I'm not talking with it. Yeah, are the.

Speaker 1 (50:05):
Equivalent we like to say, It's like, just imagine if
like a bunch of like mirror people came out of
the ocean riding and squids.

Speaker 4 (50:11):
They're just like yeah, and it becomes tolely common later,
but at that time you're like, no, no, this doesn't
compute not doing it. How big is the giraffe?

Speaker 1 (50:23):
Yeah? Sure, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 (50:25):
Like, is it are we? Did they pick giraffe because
way bigger than a horse, which they had.

Speaker 1 (50:33):
Lots of, Right, they have plenty of horses, plenty.

Speaker 4 (50:35):
Of horses that would work.

Speaker 1 (50:40):
Huh, but actually thinking a horse might be worse, to
be honest, based on what I'm seeing, I can't really
get a good feel for size on this, but okay,
still unpleasant, i'd imagine.

Speaker 4 (50:54):
Oh yeah, yeah, I think longer probably.

Speaker 1 (50:59):
Yeah, you're really making through some stuff. Yeah, yeah, So
that is how lacusta imperial poisoner to Nero, one of
the most prominent singular killers in ancient history, who wasn't
like a warlorder whatever, right in terms of normies, Yeah,
one of the most prominent killers in ancient history meets

(51:23):
her endow via giraffe.

Speaker 3 (51:27):
She met a way worse end than fucking Nero. Yeah,
she had split in half.

Speaker 4 (51:32):
Yeah, no pharisees. But of course it's always the ladies,
always the ladies that are gonna take all of the
heat for this crazy dude. Short amount of time. He
got a lot of stuff done. Huh.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
Yeah, Yeah, it's about packed and.

Speaker 4 (51:48):
He packed in a lot of stuff.

Speaker 1 (51:50):
A punch got it done. Yeah, he came in, did
what he promised. Only insane shit.

Speaker 4 (51:58):
Listen, I love it.

Speaker 1 (52:01):
Now.

Speaker 3 (52:01):
This is a tale of why you should not have
ambition or goals, because if she just stayed her poor
peasant life in the forest, she doesn't get violated by
a zoo animal.

Speaker 4 (52:13):
No, but you would probably die of diarrhea.

Speaker 1 (52:15):
Yeah, yeah, I mean if she keeps living in the
woods and Gaul's.

Speaker 2 (52:20):
Yeah, that seems more pleasant.

Speaker 1 (52:22):
But here's the thing. She got to live for a time, Yes,
the best possible life she could have ever lived.

Speaker 3 (52:28):
Do you think she chooses it though? If she knows
her ending, let.

Speaker 4 (52:33):
Me ask, you're able to ten years? Okay, you get
a mansion. Okay, Bob, yep, you get a mansion. I
don't know where you would want to live, Malibu, up
on the hillside.

Speaker 3 (52:44):
Don't know all your servants.

Speaker 4 (52:47):
Right, But at the end of the ten years, Bob, it's.

Speaker 1 (52:51):
A real deal with the devil. I mean, for me
having grown up like middle class, that's not up. But
if I grew up the dirt like this, did, I
mean not? Even poverty doesn't begin to like she's faral
almost you know what I mean, right, like like you
think of yeah, yeah, so yeah, probably I might take

(53:13):
that deal.

Speaker 4 (53:14):
Yeah for her, Yeah yeah, I think she did essentially.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
Yeah, you know what.

Speaker 4 (53:20):
You know, even Nero while he was doing all this shit,
was like, something's gonna fucking happen, right, you know, you
know what you're what deal you're making if you go
that high up in status.

Speaker 1 (53:34):
But that's the only guy offering the job.

Speaker 4 (53:37):
It's true. And also she didn't have by the way,
she didn't have a choice. It's like he's beating her
up if she's not doing it right, So it's kind
of you know.

Speaker 3 (53:46):
Yeah, Nara probably comes up with something even more sadistic somehow.

Speaker 1 (53:50):
Yeah. Yeah, it's and because he did threaten to execute
her too, Yeah, pull off and god knows what he's
going to do to her.

Speaker 4 (53:57):
Yeah. It wasn't like she was loving it.

Speaker 1 (54:01):
She really bought herself time it really it was always
going to end with a giraffe.

Speaker 3 (54:05):
Yeah, it always does.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
The path, Yes, no matter which path.

Speaker 3 (54:09):
You take, they all converge back to It's not turtles
all the way down as giraffe. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (54:15):
Yeah, so yeah, that is the story of Lacusta of Gaul.
What'd you learn today, Jesse? Well, too much?

Speaker 4 (54:24):
Too much. I learned too much. I was starting to
if you if you remember, in the beginning, I was
starting to be like, all right, guys, I get it,
you know, like the the obsession with the Roman Empire,
Like I get it. And now I'm even more confused. Right,
but then also understand.

Speaker 1 (54:42):
Again these are like civilization. Is that it's like nine
to eleven year old stage.

Speaker 4 (54:46):
Yeah yeah. And also you know, put a lady in
charge like that, Yeah, something's gonna happens. They're not gonna
let her go all the way to the top and
live a comfy line.

Speaker 1 (55:01):
And by the way, so I didn't even mention this
Agrippina the younger who murdered Claudius to get Nero on
the throne. Yeah, mom eventually gets killed by Nero. Yeah,
so he doesn't even hook her back up.

Speaker 4 (55:14):
Yeah yeah, yeah, he's real cool.

Speaker 1 (55:17):
Yeah. And actually I didn't press in the story, but
maybe you'll appreciate this as a mother. When he sent
the soldiers or whatever to kill her or assassins, I
don't know what it was. She they come in and
she knows what's up and she got and she knows
who sent them, so she goes. Essentially, she was like,
you might as well stab me in my womb.

Speaker 4 (55:38):
She's badass. Yeah, she started the whole thing. Yeah, so
she's just like, well, of course, that little son of
a bitch.

Speaker 1 (55:47):
Got it from mom. Learned it from you, mom? Sorry, Mom,
would you learn to day Daniel?

Speaker 3 (55:52):
I just learned that this girl probably took the right
deal because she bought herself an additional ten eleven years.

Speaker 1 (56:03):
At least, at least of the good life.

Speaker 3 (56:06):
Yeah, because yeah, she's meeting her end in a horrific
fashion regardless.

Speaker 1 (56:11):
Right, somebody as well kick that can down the road,
So live the high life.

Speaker 3 (56:14):
And yeah, if that giraffe stare me down in ten years,
so be it, so be it.

Speaker 1 (56:20):
And then who is today's hitler?

Speaker 4 (56:23):
The dude that drank that hot wine and was like,
let's add some water to it. That's psychotics.

Speaker 3 (56:30):
This is totally normal hot wine psychotic.

Speaker 4 (56:33):
He had to be in on something, because no one
is like, this wine is boiling hot. Don't worry, child,
I will add some water to it, right, the water
that's sitting right next to it.

Speaker 1 (56:46):
Weird, no one understanding that that was weird.

Speaker 4 (56:50):
Is something's up with that? Yeah, he may have been
leading the whole fucking organizations, you know what, I mean
to fuck to let that plan go to the end,
it had to have other people, and they.

Speaker 1 (57:00):
Didn't drink the water too, like, oh hold on, let
me test the water.

Speaker 3 (57:04):
Right, we're also under selling how about this life?

Speaker 1 (57:08):
She was Lacusta.

Speaker 2 (57:10):
Yeah, she got into this of her own, Yeah.

Speaker 4 (57:14):
Of her own accord, and then we kind of think
of her as you know, nero do it. But like
poison school, you're making a bunch of little bit assassin.

Speaker 2 (57:22):
How many kids did she kill?

Speaker 1 (57:24):
You've just on the way up, Yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (57:26):
You've drank the poison, so to speak at that point.

Speaker 1 (57:29):
Yeah, right, Yeah, who's your hitler today? Her? Her LaCosta? Yeah,
I mean she killed a lot of kids and also
a lot of probably semi innocent people, you innocent people,
depending on I.

Speaker 3 (57:40):
Mean when in dus just blame the woman, Yeah, don't.

Speaker 4 (57:43):
You guys always yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
Yeah, it's just easy.

Speaker 4 (57:46):
No one asked questions, right, they go like, yep, knew it.

Speaker 1 (57:50):
Yeah makes sense.

Speaker 2 (57:51):
It's a layup.

Speaker 1 (57:53):
Yeah. Well that's all I got for today. On Lacusta
of Gaul. Jesse, thank you so much for joining us.

Speaker 4 (57:59):
Of course, I always learned so many fun things on
this show. Was it last time burning animals being lit
on fire? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (58:08):
A lot of animals.

Speaker 1 (58:09):
Yeah, yeah, the animals got their revenge.

Speaker 4 (58:12):
The animals had a good time.

Speaker 1 (58:14):
Right, unambiguously right.

Speaker 4 (58:16):
They liked it.

Speaker 1 (58:17):
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure with all the cheering scared
the draft.

Speaker 4 (58:19):
A little bit, but sure, but I had a job
to do.

Speaker 1 (58:22):
Yeah it did, g idiot, but yeah for Jesse Wiseman,
go listen to Crime Corner.

Speaker 4 (58:29):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (58:30):
Wherever we were.

Speaker 3 (58:31):
Podcasts are found check out our Patreon picton dot com
sas Softcore History.

Speaker 2 (58:35):
Two additional episodes every Wednesday and Friday.

Speaker 1 (58:37):
And we got a hot sketch coming in with Jesse,
with Jack Mandeville, with Dan, with a bunch of people,
my wife, everybody's in it. Had to pull the whole
bench for this one.

Speaker 3 (58:49):
I love it.

Speaker 4 (58:49):
This is gonna be a big one. Yeah, it sounds
from what I.

Speaker 3 (58:52):
Hear fift I like it.

Speaker 1 (58:57):
Yeah, it's like an audiobook but a short story instead
with the graphic sex scene in it. Sure, so yeah
check it out. But for Dan Rojester and Jesse Wiseman.
I'm Rob Fox.

Speaker 2 (59:07):
You just guts all served