The Geriatric Masshole Who Murdered Redcoats

Samuel Whittemore fought in the American Revolution. He fought despite the fact that he was born in 1696. At 78 years old, Whittemore, who'd already served in two wars prior to the American Revolution, ambushed a British unit, completely by himself. Why? Because the man was A) a fierce patriot who'd been heavily involved in colonial politics for over a decade, and B) an absolute animal. Find out about Whittemore's life and what happened when he took on an entire British unit by himself in 1775 after the Battles of Lexington and Concord. 

Subscribe to the Softcore History Patreon for hundreds of hours of extra history content including episodes like this, listener voicemails, movie watch-alongs, and weekly bonus episodes. 

Get 25% off your subscription or try the app FREE for seven days at Fitbod.me/SOFTCORE

Rob Fox
https://www.instagram.com/robfoxthree/
https://twitter.com/RobFoxThree
https://www.tiktok.com/@robfoxthree

Dan Regester
https://www.instagram.com/danregester/
https://twitter.com/dan_regester

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
You are now listening to soft core history. What is up?
Welcome back to softcore History.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
I am your host for the week, Rob Fox, joined
as always by Dan Rochester.

Speaker 1 (00:20):
The rumors of my demise are false. He's still alive.
I'm still here. Baby's still kicking barely, but I'm still here.

Speaker 2 (00:29):
Still going. You know what you're like Our last Patreon episode,
patreon dot COM's last softcore History. The woman who fought
in the Revolutionary War started at the bottom.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
And she got mildly successful, but she did dope shit.
She won a bunch of awards, but she ended up
poor and died poor. But she did dope shit. My
life has been pretty cool up to this point.

Speaker 2 (00:59):
Miner said, back for a major comeback.

Speaker 1 (01:01):
Roller coaster ride. Yeah, the irs agent that's in charge
of my file, just his mind's in a pretzel. He
might have killed himself just from the work. Hmm. Yeah.
So how did he make this much money in twenty
twenty two and make this much money in twenty nineteen.
It doesn't add up. But he's dealing drugs. Actually he's

(01:22):
no dude, it's podcasting. Yeah, same deal, the new drug dealing.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
We are delivering dopamine to people.

Speaker 1 (01:29):
But it's right to your dome.

Speaker 2 (01:30):
It's like a load drip, like it's just to keep
them going, you know what I mean, Like we're not
getting you high, but we keep you alive.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
This is one of the three career choices you'll be
able to have in about four years. Yeah, I would
say so. I mean, it's just kind of a cousin
of influencer saw two TikTok girls dancing in the wild
today really at the domain. I've never seen it in
my life. I thought that was, you know, a unicorn.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
I've never seen that either, to be honest, it was crazy.

Speaker 1 (01:59):
Yeah, just kept going back to their tripod iPhone doing takes,
doing takes. Yeah, and then they checked the take not
good enough, right.

Speaker 2 (02:08):
Pros absolute pros, you don't get. I mean, there's no
such thing as a one take TikTok.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
For those unfamiliar with Austin. The domain is this massive
outdoor shopping center.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
Which and it's kind of like esthetically pleasing. It's probably
a good nice Yeah, it's probably a good place to shoot
TikTok if you want a good background.

Speaker 1 (02:26):
But in the midst of all those people, people are
just watching doing their holiday shopping I would be like,
get the fuck out of my way.

Speaker 2 (02:32):
Was it it was dancing? He said, yeah, So.

Speaker 1 (02:34):
It wasn't even like come with me while I shop
at the domain. No, my boyfriend just doing dances. I
didn't even think that was the thing. I thought that
kind of died went away in twenty twenty three.

Speaker 2 (02:42):
I think that's still the heart of it, all things considered.

Speaker 1 (02:45):
That's what TikTok was built on. We should do history.

Speaker 2 (02:48):
Fact videos where we're doing a popular TikTok.

Speaker 1 (02:51):
Dance teens dancing. It's the only way we'll be able
to blow up the show. We haven't danced enough. Actually,
should we do it?

Speaker 2 (02:57):
Or should we get teens? You mean start dming some teen.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
No, I think it's us. I think we have to
tell history through interpretive dance. Okay, okay, I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (03:06):
And we were like doing the dance and we'll like
point to point one.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
And then thought Christopher Nolan's Odyssey where it's realistic and
the gods are just normal dudes. We're just gonna do
the Odyssey through dance.

Speaker 2 (03:19):
It's funny you say that, not because that's the subject
of this week's episode, but because history TikTok and history reels.

Speaker 1 (03:26):
Are all.

Speaker 2 (03:29):
But hurt, all very angry about Christopher Nolan's Odyssey.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
Cast is loaded. Why than that the costumes way off? Yeah,
way off? Who cares? Like? You know that that? People
complain about Ridley Scott when he was doing this shit? Yes,
did you not?

Speaker 2 (03:49):
Ridley Scott's bost famous thing is from the The Moses
movie where they were like that was like it came
out and like peak woke.

Speaker 1 (03:56):
I don't even remember the most It wasn't good. Ok,
it wasn't good.

Speaker 2 (04:00):
It came out during like peak woke, and it's like
obviously Egyptians and like whatever Israeli's looked like in the
Bronze Age. But it was Christian Bale. Joel Edgerton was
the Pharaoh and Sigourney Weaver was the pharaoh's mom, and
they were whining about why he didn't cast ethnic appropriate people,
or at least a Mexican who you could confuse with

(04:21):
being ethnically.

Speaker 1 (04:22):
Appropriately, because he got Christian Bale. That's what he said.
He goes, I'm sorry, you get Bail. He's gonna play anything.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
Now, He's gonna come see a movie starring al Kah
blah blah blah blah blah.

Speaker 1 (04:32):
It's just not I've got to sell a movie.

Speaker 2 (04:35):
And everyone was like, but Ridley Scott was like, I'm
fucking heighty and I'm fucking Ridley Skool, So I don't
don't rock care.

Speaker 1 (04:43):
Yeah, if we're doing a wounded knee movie and we
still need like, you know, head honcho chief, I'm still
getting Christian Bale.

Speaker 2 (04:49):
Christian Bale's first call absolutely the sit in bull.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
Yeah, okay, I'm very unfamiliar with one that sounds right
no as a massacre.

Speaker 2 (05:01):
Yeah, it wasn't a battle. Battle's a generous term.

Speaker 1 (05:04):
And I know it's a tattoo I want to get
on my leg. What just the word wounded on my knee.
It's the most piece of shit tattoo I've ever heard.

Speaker 2 (05:14):
It's like punching down so hard because it's like obscure,
to be honest, So you're just making like an obscure
genocide joke on your body.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
That's how little I care about my body to get
that tattoo on it and then also put my life
at risk.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
Actually that speaking of Indians or Native Americans or eve
gonna call them, I actually got really pissed off today
researching this episode because in the Wikipedia, which is always
where I start before I get like the bones from Wikipedia,
and then I'll go into like other articles and stuff
to pull the more fun facts. And but in the Wikipedia,

(05:52):
so like Indians play a part in this by the way,
they call themselves Indians, they call themselves Indians, they called
they call themselves American Indians.

Speaker 1 (05:58):
Did we pass that in like ninety nine?

Speaker 2 (06:00):
But in the in the fucking Wikipedia, they kept calling
them like first nations. Sure, here's the problem with that.
And this isn't even like this is.

Speaker 1 (06:14):
Just not historically accurate. They're not the.

Speaker 2 (06:16):
First nations like the Iroquois. That's not a first nation
that is. And this isn't even to be like.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
Well they killed the other people boooo we got here,
Yeah they did. Whatever you didn't sprout from the plans.

Speaker 2 (06:27):
There were a whole ass other civilizations that rose and
fall before the final version of American Indians that existed
when we the Aztecs were only one hundred years old,
when Quartets got to them, like the people who built
Kahokia in Illinois, like that that civilization rose. It would
be like saying France and England and Germany are European

(06:50):
first nations. They're not remotely first nations. Their last nations.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
Yeah, you're not discovering anything new here. People are just morons.
I just like that. I was just like, god, I mean,
it's Wikipedia, so it is. It is kind of like
the SEC talk today, and this is gonna be evergreen
because I won't mention any names. People were complaining about
the rebel name for Old miss and totally cool with
the tiger name in Louisiana. Yeah, read up on that.

(07:15):
Know who the Louisiana Tigers were. Read up on who
those guys were. Not Union soldiers, not even like civilized
Confederacy troops. Oh they dickheads. I'd a huge dickheads.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
I didn't know their history, like so even for Yeah,
that doesn't surprise me. But I read that today and
I was just like, god, fucking damn it, dude, Like
this doesn't even it doesn't even make sense.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
Anyway. I do appreciate the Natives though, for essentially coming
up with the term confederacy. I had not heard of
the confederacy until all the nations got together.

Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah, Battle of the White I mean the word confederation
was used prior to the or a quite confederacy no,
not in my mind.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
They bade it. They made up that English world what
I think? Okay, that's like the first confederacy that put
the word confederacy on the map. Really, I can't think
of a confederacy before the Indians.

Speaker 2 (08:13):
There was some in Europe. I'd have to go look
up what they.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
Were, not important enough in my mind, that's fair.

Speaker 2 (08:18):
I'm all about being American centric, whether it's natives, that
includes natives. Yeah, fuck Europe for real, dude. And that's
sort of what this episode's about today. I was inspired
by the fact that ken Burns has his documentary out
right now to do a fun episode from the American Revolution,

(08:44):
a really niche episode.

Speaker 1 (08:46):
Or you were inspired by my episode on Friday that too,
that too, I trained dot com last software history.

Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yep, I was inspired by that as well. I was like,
I need my own badass from the American Revolution, just
a hard motherfucker.

Speaker 1 (08:58):
There's only one hard bitch on there is only one
hard bitch. I think. Isn't it true that like Molly
Pitcher is just made up? I don't know, but I'm
gonna say that's right. Yeah, yeah, fuck that. I think
Molly Pitcher is just like propaganda. She's a combination of

(09:19):
multiple women.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
Yeah, something like that. Betsy Ross was real, but she
didn't make the first flag. But whoa, that's true.

Speaker 1 (09:26):
Now there's no Betsy Ross slander in this household. As
to wear my Philadelphia flyers at I'll dare you. Have
you ever been to Betsy Ross's house? I haven't. Nope,
it's very tiny. It's very small.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
Well, like as we established on the Patreon episode, the.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
Average height was five to five for men, five feet
for women. Yeah. Yeah, didn't need to do a lot.
That was one of my favorite jokes from everyone in
the past. Weren't even human, No, that was a different
species there.

Speaker 2 (09:50):
There was a joke on of all things, how I
Met your mother that like sticks with me to this
day just because it was so funny. Like Marshall, Jason
Siegl's character was thinking about moving to New Jersey with
his wife to like live a normal like you can't
raise a family in New York type of thing, and they.

Speaker 1 (10:06):
Were like, why would you want to leave New York?

Speaker 2 (10:07):
And Jason Siegal's a big dude, so his character is
a big dude, and he's like, this city wasn't made
for me.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
No, all these doors are one hundred and fifty years old.
I can't fit through them. Dude. Even the hotels are tiny. Yeah,
it's crazy.

Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah, And I was just like, that's the most valid
point I could have possibly heard about leaving New York.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
Even in Chicago. You know this Wrigley Fields, but on
a city block. Oh it's small, there's no room.

Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah, home runs always fly out of that park. But yeah,
today we're doing a dude in the Revolutionary War, specifically
the oldest man to fight in the American Revolution.

Speaker 1 (10:48):
Let's go. Was he born in the sixteen hundreds? He
sure fucking was. Let's go.

Speaker 2 (10:56):
Uh, we're talking about Samuel Whitmore Wittemore. Sorry, Samuel Whittemore.

Speaker 1 (11:03):
Yeah, please put some respect him on man's name.

Speaker 2 (11:06):
Who was born in Charlestown, Massachusetts in sixteen ninety six.

Speaker 1 (11:12):
That's Southee, right, Yep, we got our boy from Southee
in what's sixteen ninety six. Yeah, I'm intrigued.

Speaker 2 (11:21):
He Yeah, so I think of the town. He was
the first guy in the town.

Speaker 1 (11:25):
He's the first masshole. Yeah, this is the absolute first massile.
Fuck you.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
Yeah, he just we gotta go somewhere. We gotta hut
some people. You can't ask me any questions about it.

Speaker 1 (11:35):
Who's cade we taken?

Speaker 2 (11:39):
The American Revolution, by the way, would be his third war.

Speaker 1 (11:47):
He liked to get some Probably the French and Indian War.

Speaker 2 (11:51):
French Indian War would be the second war that he
was in.

Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah. Yeah, so you said this was his third yeah, yeah,
one before that? Did he come over from No, he
was born here. Oh.

Speaker 2 (12:04):
There were several wars from the sixteen fifties all the
way up through the French and Indian slash Seven Years
War that were fought essentially European wars that were also
fought on American side.

Speaker 1 (12:16):
But it heads with the Spaniards, maybe.

Speaker 2 (12:18):
The Spaniards the French. Of course, really the French are
the ones, but the French and Spanish are usually allied. Yeah,
so the British are button up against both of them.
But anyone in Massachusetts is really just dealing with the
French for the most part.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
French are dicks, especially the ones that come over here.
They're dirty, dirty dicks. I what are my favorite there's
some of the grossest human beings that ever, you know,
walk the planet. Are the French fur trappers? Oh? Yeah,
what are my favorite. They look like me.

Speaker 2 (12:50):
They look like you if they took a bath.

Speaker 1 (12:53):
Well, yeah, they look like me if I rolled around
in mud, if you didn't shower for like one hundred
weeks in a row. Yeah, but that's the aesthetic I'm
going for.

Speaker 2 (13:03):
Where I was gonna say it is one of my
favorite gay sex stories of all time. I was hanging
out with my friend and her cousin who's like this
really handsome gay guy who's and he's a doctor.

Speaker 1 (13:14):
So just polls had a couple of drinks and one
thing led to another and we played doctor.

Speaker 2 (13:21):
Uh Yeah, ironically, my prostate was worse after the exam.

Speaker 1 (13:28):
I mean, operation is a hard game. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:30):
But he was like talking about how he went to
France and he was like obviously hooking up with dudes,
and he was like, yeah, France was like basically every
time we hooked up, I always suggested we start in
the shower because they all smelled like shit.

Speaker 1 (13:50):
You know, there's stereotypes for a reason.

Speaker 2 (13:51):
Yeah, Like he was straight up like, yeah, I couldn't
fuck any of the guys unless they took a shower first,
So I would just like lure them sexually into the shower.

Speaker 1 (13:59):
They are actually smoke, so it covers up their smell. Yeah.
I'd rather smell the cigarettes.

Speaker 2 (14:05):
I would rather smell the cigarettes than whatever god forsaken
thing here too, because it's like the land of perfume.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
In Champagne. Yeah, and they still smell like animals. You know,
they kind of maybe spray over themselves walk into it,
but that's not covering the pits. That's just you know,
that's a frat boy shower axe body spray. In two
thousand and eight, we used to call something else, but
we should have been calling it a French shower. It

(14:34):
is a French shower. Yeah, so you racist motherfuckers. Whittemore
first served. He fought his first war when he was
forty nine years old. He served as late to the game.

Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah, as a private in Colonel Jeremiah Moulton's third Massachusetts
Regiment in the in King George's War.

Speaker 1 (14:56):
Was he a specimen? Was he just physically fit? Uh?

Speaker 2 (15:01):
I get to that later, but yes, by all accounts,
he was an absolute hoss.

Speaker 1 (15:06):
Just a big unit.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah, just a unit of a man. I couldn't get
a height on him. But he was known for his physical.

Speaker 1 (15:11):
Prowess, for his strength. Yeah, I like that Socrates in
all the way to like his older age too. He
was he was getting down big dude. He's a big guy.
Like he's like an ed Orgeron type of guy, right
like Coajo. Yeah, still throwing up big way. Oh yeah,
one got to impress his sugar baby, worst.

Speaker 2 (15:31):
Case scenario just to stay with college fotball, like a
Brent Venables.

Speaker 1 (15:35):
All right, right, like a cut dude. No, No, I
like Coacho. I like I think Coacho's more. Coacho's a
a more apt I think, yeah comparison because yeah, waits
back then.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
I certainly think Whittemore is a coach o type because
he farmed, so just that hey bale strength.

Speaker 1 (15:50):
Yeah, fort though in King Jordan's are bad. Everything hurts
when you wake up, you don't give a fuck. I'm
thirty four and I wake up and something new. It's
just ache. And maybe we're soft.

Speaker 2 (16:04):
Maybe we're like all those NBA players who back in
the like all the old ones are.

Speaker 1 (16:08):
Like I played eighty two games. I've been torturing my
body since I was twelve with sports, with lifting.

Speaker 2 (16:14):
Oh yeah, with lifting, and uh also your bone shooting
out of your leg.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
Yeah, my tip fib the Kevin war injury. End of
my real athletic career. R I P only because it
stunted your growth. I would have been six four. Yeah.
It could be over in Greece right now, getting buckets. Yeah, yeah,
you'd be playing.

Speaker 2 (16:37):
You could be playing Euroball.

Speaker 1 (16:39):
Be hanging on. Maybe not in Greece at thirty four,
maybe somewhere in the Middle East, Israel, hopefully not is
Israeli league. It's a good league.

Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yeah, you can play with. Marshall Henderson played Iraq. Yeah, no,
be interesting, that would be I want to I want
to have Marshall Henderson on the show just to talk
about that.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
Still basketball.

Speaker 2 (17:00):
I don't want to hear a single thing about old miss.
I want to hear the history of basketball in Iraq. Yeah,
we just have him on there to talk about it.
So King George's War was essentially it's like the French
and Indian War, where it gets its own name, but
it's part of a bigger war. It was the North
American side of what was called the War of the

(17:20):
Austrian Succession, which went from seventeen forty to seventeen forty eight.
Although King George's War didn't kick up till seventeen forty four,
because that's when the Brits got involved. So the British
weren't involved immediately in that war, but they did get
involved essentially in just to give a quick background of that,
the War of Bostian Succession. Maria Theresa was the ruler

(17:41):
of the Habsburg monarchy, but France, Prussia and Bavaria were
like fuck that. She was backed by the British, the
Dutch and Hanover and eventually the conflict drew wider and
involved Spain, Sweden, Russia.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
So it's basically a world war. Yeah, that was Austrian Habspurgs. Yeah,
that's what started all with a line of succession.

Speaker 2 (18:05):
He was involved in the biggest battle on the North
American side, taking the fortress of Louisbourg in seventeen forty five,
which was in Nova Scotia. So his unit marched up
from Massachusetts to fucking Nova Scotia to take like one
of the biggest French forts on the continent.

Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah, sometimes we'll just marsh on up to Canada, knock
on the door and take it.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
We were better at it before we became our own country.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
Didn't Benedict Arnold do that for us? He just went
up to Canada. He took a fort like was it
Taekwonda Roga? I think that's in America. But he did
invade Canada, Okay, and.

Speaker 2 (18:44):
Winfield Scott one of America's great generals, the guy who
won the Mexican War. He was like a brigadier general
in the War of eighteen twelve. He fought in Canada.

Speaker 1 (18:54):
Actually, but I think I'm under the belief that Benedict
Arnold went up to just some random fort in Canada
and said this is ours now, and they had no
idea where at war with them, They're like, what who
are you? Yeah? The what who? Turns out he was
on their side eventually.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
Yeah, everything worked out in the end. But I was
gonna say, at.

Speaker 1 (19:18):
That Winfield this Tykona Rogan might be in New York.
I think that is in New York.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
Yeah, the Winfield's got Hancock battle in the War of
eighteen twelve. I think it was Lundy's Lane, which canonically
in Gangs of New York, that's the battle that Bill
the Butcher's dad died in and why he's such an
American patriot. But yeah, so he is part of taking

(19:42):
the fortress of Louisbourg in Nova Scotia. It was the
biggest engagement in that war in North America during this battle.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
So it was like forty dudes. Yeah, I was like
eighty on eighty. During this battle, Whittemore.

Speaker 2 (19:57):
Captured a French officer and took his badass sword from.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
Him, just right from him.

Speaker 2 (20:05):
Was just like, is mine now spoils a war?

Speaker 1 (20:09):
It's the seventeenth century version of a nutmeg.

Speaker 2 (20:14):
A's the seventeenth version of a like in Band of Brothers,
they're all obsessed with getting a luger, or in the Pacific,
they're all obsessed with getting a Samurai sword, which, by
the way, the way, I would have risked my life
to get a Japanese Samurai sword in the Pacific in
World War two to get that trophy.

Speaker 1 (20:35):
Oh I'm bringing that back. I'm actually probably using it
in war. Oh you keep it on you at all times? Yeah, yeah,
you're using that. The goal should be retrieve a Samurai sword,
then use it to chop a Japanese soldier's head.

Speaker 2 (20:50):
Off your officers like fixed band nuts and you're like, nah,
I've got something else.

Speaker 1 (20:55):
Or if you get into like a sticky situation and
you know you're gonna die commit suppukuo. That might be
a bridge too far. You don't want to cut into yourself.
It's because it's not just one, it's and then and
then over to your heart. I think you yeah, yeah, yeah,

(21:16):
you're You're a hard motherfucker. Not my culture if you
can do that.

Speaker 2 (21:21):
The British side overall kind of uh, what's.

Speaker 1 (21:24):
The Irish version of suppuku? Just drowning in your own vomit? Yeah,
choke to death on whiskey vomit basically, yeah, or drowning
in a puddle.

Speaker 2 (21:37):
Drowning in a puddle because you're so drunk.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
You're so drunk, you fall into the street and yeah,
there's like just a small little puddle that you drowned in. Yeah.
Avery Johnson's dad tried to do that. Davey Johnson's brother
drown him in a puddle in Dublin. I hate to
see it, true irishman.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
So the British kind of lost this war overall, the
War of all Austrian Succession. They were more successful on
the North American front than in the main war. And
the result of all this, essentially like the way World
War One was not really fully adjudicated correctly at the

(22:17):
end of it.

Speaker 1 (22:17):
It's miss labeled. As you mentioned earlier, that was World
War There were so many world wars before the World War.

Speaker 2 (22:23):
I think that's actually I haven't gotten fully through it,
but I think that's actually something ken Burns brings up
because I've seen him bring it up in interviews about
his documentary, that the American Revolution in and of itself
was a world war and that World War One was.

Speaker 1 (22:38):
I think he said that about the French and Indian War.

Speaker 2 (22:39):
Okay, well, either way, world War one's like the third
or fourth World War.

Speaker 1 (22:42):
I got to that part too. I fell asleep, but yeah, whatever,
that's what ken Burns did it. I'm imprinted in your mind.

Speaker 2 (22:49):
So all of this bullshit, just like how World War
One was not solved correctly at the end, this just
really was left like as a bad piece and direct
led to the Seven Years War aka the French and
Indian War later between King George's War and the French
and Indian War. He moved to Whittemore, moved to present

(23:12):
day Arlington, Massachusetts, where he owned land, farmed.

Speaker 1 (23:18):
Raised his family. He was married twice.

Speaker 2 (23:21):
I think one died or who could say, but it doesn't.

Speaker 1 (23:25):
His family is.

Speaker 2 (23:26):
Not really important in this story in anyway whatsoever.

Speaker 1 (23:29):
Never is, they get in the way of greatness.

Speaker 2 (23:31):
They really do, and ironically, his crowning achievement happened.

Speaker 1 (23:36):
You tell that to your wife and kids every day.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
Oh, I'd be like, do you know what I could
be doing?

Speaker 1 (23:41):
Yere a hurdle.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
If I didn't have to change this fucking diaper. You're
wasting these hands.

Speaker 1 (23:49):
Yeah, what those hands can do? What I've seen them
in action with your cousin's gay friend. It's fun. At
least we don't need to get in the shower first.
Like you smell like a frenchman. Oh, good lord, I'll like, Yeah,
my balls are real sweaty. You know, just got done

(24:11):
playing tennis. Yeah, the post.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
Tennis bang is foul.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
You don't want that. Uh when all five sets? Yeah,
and deep too.

Speaker 2 (24:23):
There were several tie breakers. There were no straight set.
There was no like quick wins, not a lot of
broken serves.

Speaker 1 (24:29):
I've expanded my tennis knowledge. I will concede the floor. Uh. So.

Speaker 2 (24:35):
Whittemore, like I said, was known for being a fucking hoss.
And the French and Indian war rolls around and this
hoss now sixty four years old. I love it is
like I need to get some more. I got some,

(24:56):
but I can get enough.

Speaker 1 (24:57):
Sam could use some freedom.

Speaker 2 (24:59):
Yeah, so I'm gonna get some goddamn war. One of
the reasons I think that he got involved.

Speaker 1 (25:07):
God, it would have been quite the left turn if
you were like, oh he was fighting for the crown.

Speaker 2 (25:11):
Well in the French and Indian War, he was for
the yeah, oh yeah, yeah, no, he was. He was
patriot and we'll get to that in a little bit
because he's very politically involved, like leading up to the revolution.
So he's like which actually was disappointing because.

Speaker 1 (25:23):
Oh Jesus Chris, so he's this is the French and
Indian War. He's already in his sixties.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
Yes, he's in his sixties in the French and Indian War.

Speaker 1 (25:31):
Boy, we're sending out a geriatric on behalf of our
you know, little colony.

Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yeah oh yeah. I think he volunteered and they're like
all right. But one of the reasons I think he
was used.

Speaker 1 (25:43):
We took anything we could get.

Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah, yeah, truly, I mean, there weren't that many people here,
like you need to anybody they're happy to have, but
they had to again take the fortress of Louisbourg in
the French and Indian War. He had already done it.

Speaker 1 (25:57):
It's like I've been there, done that. Yeah, I could
do it again. But he later also served in a
military expedition. It's like replaying a video game. Yeah, he's
I've done this level.

Speaker 2 (26:06):
He's like, they didn't make it different. I know exactly
how to get there and what to do once you're there.

Speaker 1 (26:11):
He just speed run through it, speed run.

Speaker 2 (26:13):
I was like, I'm gonna get five more swords this stuff.

Speaker 1 (26:15):
I'm good to go and find all the Easter eggs. Yeah.
He also so after the cat again, they captured Fort
Louisbourg again. He's part of that.

Speaker 2 (26:24):
He was later in a military expedition to the Great
Lakes region to take on so Louisbourg was the French part.
Then he also took on the Indian part. Fought against
Chief Pontiac in seventeen sixty three up around the Great Lakes.
I don't know which state off the top of my head,
but he had to go along ass way.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
He was in this war.

Speaker 2 (26:45):
He was a captain of dragoons according to records, so
he was an officer this time. Commanding like some cavalry
or something.

Speaker 1 (26:53):
Did. Dragrin's gonna fuck you up.

Speaker 2 (26:55):
And in this war he gets another trophy. It's a
pair of dueling pistols from a fallen warrior.

Speaker 1 (27:05):
There's not really going to serve you in battle, but
if you want to like disrespect, somebody's slap him with
the white glove maybe in the midst of battle. But
he just got to, you know, fucking ready to go
dueling pistols. Yeah, it wasn't like John Wick back then.
I disagree and we'll get to that all right. It's

(27:27):
probably not even accurate or true, but it adds to
the story. Yeah, that's the legend. So he is.

Speaker 2 (27:37):
Also between the French and Indian War and the Revolution,
heavily involved in colonial politics. He turns on you know,
he fought for the British twice, but he turns on
them and think he's against all their policies. Even in
seventeen thirty eight, before either war he's in at the
age of forty one, he is actively involved in politics

(27:59):
where he is dude for defamation by this guy named
John Vassal who was elected as a selectman in Cambridge.
Uh whitmore essentially was like, he essentially said paraphrasing, but
he was like, Vassal is less fit for office than
the fucking horse he rides.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
The disrespect So Vassal disrespect to that horse. Yeah, Vassal
sues him to shot the horse. The horse should see him.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
I think maybe it was a what do you call
that class action with Vassal and the horse get him involved, Yeah,
doubled up. Vassal essentially sues Whittemore for defamation.

Speaker 1 (28:43):
And said, we know you could do that. Back then,
I thought you had to go to a duel.

Speaker 2 (28:48):
You would think that that trial, trial by combat would be.

Speaker 1 (28:51):
That's the only option.

Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yeah, that, but Vassal saw Vassals a bitch. Vassal essentially
claimed that within a more, making fun of him, Slash
being a dick to him made it harder for him
to do his job because no one would respect him.

Speaker 1 (29:06):
Now yeah, well nobody respects him anyone.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
If the sentence that Whittimore spoke didn't do it, this
fucking lawsuit should Yeah, soft shit.

Speaker 1 (29:18):
Just putting it out into the universe and people hearing that,
you think they're suddenly just gonna be like this guy's.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Cool, right, No, I'm gonna sue you.

Speaker 1 (29:30):
You're shooting yourself in the foot.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
Yeah, you're almost proving him right, Like he didn't call
you a bitch, but like you're adding to the allegations.

Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yeah, when somebody in sultcy, you cannot get mad, right,
you have to just like take it right and just
be like and just throw it back.

Speaker 2 (29:45):
Yeah, whatever he can tell you, he can say whatever
he wants. I don't give a shit who you like.

Speaker 1 (29:49):
You just go who Who's what I learned at a
young age, you know, self deprecation. You can't hurt me
more than I can hurt myself. Yeah, and I will,
and I'll have him all laughing. So Whittemore couldn't afford bond,
so he was actually jailed for four days and was

(30:11):
fucking pissed about it. So he gets out, wins his case,
and then counter sues vassal for two hundred pounds and
a four days in the clink. Yeah for my time.
You know, emotional distress.

Speaker 2 (30:30):
Which, by the way, emotional distress over a sentence never relevant,
always bullshit. Emotional distress for having to spend four days
in an eighteenth century Massachusetts.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
Jail pounds, that's a lot of money, that has a
shit ton of money. He wins.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
He wins the lawsuit, so vassal to recap gets called
a dumbass, sues him, loses like a bitch, loses like
a bitch, gets sued by him, loses again like a bitch,
Which means I think Whittemore was just right.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
I think that's the gentleman's sweep. Yeah, just everything.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
So by the seventeen sixties he's fully involved in like
patriot politics. The British taxes have pissed him off. He's
a key local figure even though he's older. He's seventy
in seventeen sixty six.

Speaker 1 (31:27):
And he's still mad, still mad, still mad. At that
age he serves on a three man Cambridge committee. There's
only two ways you can go at that age. Either
you continue to get madder or you just level out
like Bill Walton. Yeah, you just go full hippie.

Speaker 2 (31:47):
Everything's beautiful, I love everything.

Speaker 1 (31:51):
Isn't hew great? We're live. Yes, you become Bill one
or you become Clint Eastwood. Yeah, that's the only two options.
For no.

Speaker 2 (31:58):
I would take Bill Walton to be on it. I
really don't want to be like grand Terino. Clint Eastwood,
get off my lawn, just growling at people.

Speaker 1 (32:08):
I get that though his grandson wore a Detroit Lion
jersey to their grandmother's funeral.

Speaker 2 (32:14):
That I wouldn't be able to build Walton my way
through that.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
I would shoot the kid. Yep, that's all I remember
about that movie. Would not be able to build Walton
my way through that at all. Just do a bunch
of psychedelics and see a dead chill.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
Yeah, basically the amount of mushrooms I would need to
get over one of my grandsons wearing.

Speaker 1 (32:35):
To Courtney's funeral. Yeah, they'd be wearing like a Saint
Louis Cardinal jersey too, the team you don't even root for.

Speaker 2 (32:44):
Yeah, fucking I've actually Cardinals jersey would be bad. But
the trashiest version for Saint Let's be a blues jersey.
Like a blues jersey would be the whiskey tango version.

Speaker 1 (32:53):
He's just saying that because it's hockey. I literally am
saying that because it's hockey. Yes, classis, asshole, you think
you're better than hockey.

Speaker 2 (33:05):
No, I got I got drunk for like thirty straight
days during the Blues Cup run.

Speaker 1 (33:09):
Oh my god, that was exhausting. It's a blue collar sport.
It's for the the everyday man.

Speaker 2 (33:16):
It is, and I enjoy the atmosphere. You like to
dip a toe from my box?

Speaker 1 (33:23):
Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say, you're you're not diving
headfirst into that. Oh honey, look that life.

Speaker 2 (33:29):
Look at the poles throwing the tall boys of bush
at the ice. They're riled up. Whoa doesn't take much
to rile them up. They're an emotional people, simple, passionate.

Speaker 1 (33:44):
Normal dudes, except the goalies. Goalies are always psychopaths. The
goalies are yeah, goalies. I mean that's a position that
lends itself to just total weirdos.

Speaker 2 (33:55):
Weirdos and like people almost like seeking punishment.

Speaker 1 (34:00):
Same with pictures in baseball.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
Pictures are the biggest lunatics in baseball.

Speaker 1 (34:04):
Yeah, I'm surprised more people aren't like Max Shareser. Yeah
it either Max Sharser or you know who.

Speaker 2 (34:12):
I actually respect the shit out of for like somehow
not being a psycho. Although maybe he's like like a
psycho deep inside is Skeens. Skeens just shows no emotion.

Speaker 1 (34:24):
I think as he's a golden retriever. As a human,
he's just a puppy dog. I think they're not a
lot there. No, he's never really that happy, never really
emotes anything.

Speaker 2 (34:36):
He's like sitting next to Livy Dunn and he's just
like cool.

Speaker 1 (34:40):
I think he his life's too perfect.

Speaker 2 (34:43):
I think Paul Skeene's probably inadvertently nagged Livvy Dunn into
loving him.

Speaker 1 (34:51):
Yeah, it wasn't intentional, right, but that's just who he is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (34:54):
And she would be like hey, and he'd be like, uh, hey, hey,
what are you doing.

Speaker 1 (35:01):
I don't know I'm doing this because he locked her
down when he had all that acting on his face
and everything. Yeah, and she now has got money.

Speaker 2 (35:07):
She looked like herself the entire time.

Speaker 1 (35:10):
And she's a gymnast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
There's literally no one on earth is living a better
life than Paul Skins.

Speaker 1 (35:17):
Now, you've got to figure it out. Yeah, there's no
pressure key to things in all life, there's no there's
no pressure on him either. Just go through the motions
like be good at everything? Why are you good at everything?
But stupid? We be better? Yeah? I need to care
what the thing is? I need to care?

Speaker 2 (35:32):
I need to like just not care about anything, or
at least act like I don't care about anything.

Speaker 1 (35:36):
Just be like, yo, whatever, it's not an act.

Speaker 2 (35:38):
Whatever skeins, Yeah, no, skeins isn't an act. That's why
he does it so well.

Speaker 1 (35:43):
Now, if you act, it's gonna come through. It's gonna
be very transparent. I know. You just need to be
about that live. There's levels to these, You're right.

Speaker 2 (35:51):
So at age seventy, uh, whine More is on a
three man Cambridge committee that's like to instruct their representative.

Speaker 1 (35:59):
In seventeen sixty eight.

Speaker 2 (36:01):
The General Court is dissolved by Governor Francis Bernard of
a protests against the Townshend Acts, and Whittemore gets elected
as a delegate to the Massachusetts Committee of Convention in Boston.
That's like kind of in protest to that. He's then
elected to Cambridge's Committee of Correspondence, and he responded to
Boston's pamphlet on British violations the committee did.

Speaker 1 (36:25):
They decried the t Act.

Speaker 2 (36:27):
Including Whittemore, as quote a diabolical plan to enslave Americans,
and they warned that the chains of slavery were coming
on them because of this Tea Act. They viewed the
ta imports as literally more dangerous than quote plague or pestilence,
and the committee voted in favor of using their joint

(36:48):
influence to prevent the landing and sale of tees expected
from the East India Company, and Whittemore and others coordinated
with nearby towns to essentially, if any t any East
India ships land and any t ships landed, uh, you
block them. They couldn't dock, they couldn't beach anything.

Speaker 1 (37:06):
Get your gay duncan on my face.

Speaker 2 (37:10):
And about three weeks later after they made this decision,
Boston Tea Party, he's a part of it.

Speaker 1 (37:17):
He was not a part of it, but he was.
He was a slower guy, key point.

Speaker 2 (37:20):
Right, but he was a part of the political infrastructure
that made the decision to do what the Boston Tea
Party ultimately did.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
You don't like to do the Boston accent because you're
not very good at it. I'm not.

Speaker 2 (37:31):
I could do like JFK, but I can't do like
the straight up like Masshole.

Speaker 1 (37:36):
It takes me a second to get into it. I
might miss it first, but then I kind of get
into a groove.

Speaker 2 (37:41):
Yeah, Boston's not in the repertoire that's there.

Speaker 1 (37:45):
See, just do a little JFK.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
Well, yeah, I uh will not let any t land
on my my colony.

Speaker 1 (37:56):
But South he's a little bit more like fuck you. Yeah,
it's fucking, fucking figh it's just getting pussy in the
first time of fire or pussy. It's piece of shit. JFK.
Like JFK is the JFK was always a piece of shit,
but a rich piece of shit. He's a stud. Yeah,
I saw a real the other day. It's just like

(38:18):
JFK didn't see women as humans, just play toys.

Speaker 2 (38:23):
What like they were like explaining that it was a
historian man, all right.

Speaker 1 (38:27):
I didn't really check his credentials. It was a sixty
second reel, but it was Kennedy treated all women as playthings,
probably accurate.

Speaker 2 (38:37):
Jackie was his home play thing. Yeah, it was his
favorite toy, his homemaker play thing. There's actually a meme
going JFK meme going around right now. It's the one
of him and Jackie sitting in the Kennedy like beach
house in Nantucket or something like that, and like Kennedy's
looking off camera somewhere and Jackie's looking at him, and

(39:00):
the like thing that Jackie is is like caption and
the thing that Jackie says is always different, But one
of the ones I saw it was like, so, wait,
you're letting a bunch of nineteen year olds who run
around on grass dictate your entire life. But the JFK
response is always the same. It just says, shut up,
you stupid fucking bitch, You stupid fucking bitch.

Speaker 1 (39:19):
Yeah, listen, a good portion of this country do let
a bunch of nineteen year olds dictate how they feel?

Speaker 2 (39:26):
Yeah, yep, including both of us.

Speaker 1 (39:32):
Uh me financially more than emotionally at this point. Yeah,
and it's not going well either way.

Speaker 2 (39:40):
Yeah, but if U seef starts winning, it's back to both.

Speaker 1 (39:43):
Yeah. I'm just happy, Yeah happy, we get a dub.
So now we get to.

Speaker 2 (39:52):
His coup de gras, his greatest achievement in life. On
April nineteenth, seventeen seventy five, British forces were returning to
Boston from the first battle or battles engagements of the war,
the Battles of Lexington and Concord.

Speaker 1 (40:13):
They were returning from that.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
Knowing that there had been an engagement in the area,
and the fact that Whittemore was seventy eight years old.

Speaker 1 (40:23):
Do you think it's disrespectful that they both get grouped
together all the time, lexingon Concord.

Speaker 2 (40:28):
Yeah, like if a guy died at Concord especially.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yeah, it's like that. Whon't we give both battles the
proper respect.

Speaker 2 (40:35):
Well, they call them the battles of Lexington and Concord,
but it's.

Speaker 1 (40:38):
Always grouped together. Yeah, they never get their separate shy,
it's too much.

Speaker 2 (40:43):
There was the Battle of Lexington and then the Battle
of Concorde.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
Just put it together. It's fun, that's true. I mean
there's they're at least getting mentioned. There's other battles that
get absolutely no run. Right, imagine dying at those battles
and then you all did I die? Right? Oh? I
think about that all the time.

Speaker 2 (40:58):
How many ancient and medieval and even modern battles people
died in that were like literally.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
Pointless, like the Greek battles.

Speaker 2 (41:06):
The Greek battles are like the Iran Iraq War? Like
have you ever even heard of the Battle of Mansu.

Speaker 1 (41:11):
Kurt couldn't tell you where Mansi Court was.

Speaker 2 (41:14):
It was a battle between I think the Byzantines and
the Turks or Persians or.

Speaker 1 (41:19):
Arabs something like that.

Speaker 2 (41:20):
See I don't even know, but it was a very
pivotal battle for the time and people died in it.
Thinking this battle is one of the most important we.

Speaker 1 (41:27):
Will live in the handles of history. Yeah no, I don't.
We forgot what what country is that? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (41:37):
Where it was in Turkey somewhere. Yeah, so knowing that
there there was engagements in the area.

Speaker 1 (41:46):
Uh. The seventy eight year old Wittemore's wife, Esther was like,
you need to leave. We all need to leave. It
could it's dangerous.

Speaker 2 (41:56):
And they all left and Whittimore was like, I'm gonna
keep play. Fuck this, I'm working the fields today. Nothing's
getting me out of here. Fuck the British, fuck everything.
I farm plow through. Yeah, fuck it, we farm real quick.
Before we keep going. We do have some ads. First
up is fitbod. Get twenty five percent off your subscription

(42:18):
or try the app for free for seven days at
fitbod dot me e slash softcore. That's fit bo d
dot me e slash softcore. What is fitbod. It is
one thousand personal trainers in your pocket, all at the
same time. It's an app and it is the best
way to get the workout goals you want. Don't worry

(42:39):
about dropping a ton of money on some jerk.

Speaker 1 (42:42):
You gotta go deal with.

Speaker 2 (42:43):
The fitbod app does everything you need for a much
lower price than a human personal trainer because they have
a million human personal trainers just inside the app doing
everything all the time. And the fitbod app is also
awesome because it tracks everything you need. You give it
your goals, no matter what they are. Lose weight, put

(43:06):
on muscle, get big beefy python arms, you're all about
leg day, I don't know, whatever you need, you want
to do a lot of cardio, doesn't matter. You give
it your goals and they will personalize a workout routine
for you that is based on your goals, based on
your starting points. So you tell them, you know, like
I'm a fat slob and I just got to get
my life right, or you're like, you know, I'm in shape,

(43:27):
but I want to be in better shape. Whatever it
is your fitness level, they take that into account, and
they also take into account the available equipment you have,
So like, if you belong to like a full gym
that has everything you could possibly imagine, they know that
if you just have like sort of a stripped down
home gym situation, they can work with that. If you're
literally like dude, I just do push ups and sit

(43:48):
ups and go running, they can work with that. It
doesn't matter. They will give you a workout routine that
will get to your goals no matter what equipment you have,
no matter what fitness level you have, and no matter
what goals you have, all you have to do is
just do it. They set out the plan for you.
It's idiot proof. And the workouts are cool too because
they adapt as you go.

Speaker 1 (44:07):
So each workout tracks your growth and tracks like what
you did the day before. So if yesterday was leg day,
you're not gonna work the legs today you're gonna do
arms or something else. It knows what you did.

Speaker 2 (44:18):
It tracks your muscle progress, and it tracks, like I said,
your muscle recovery so that you don't overwork anything or
anything like that. And again when I say like there's
AE thousand a million personal trainers in there, there really is.
It is fine tuned by experienced, certified personal trainers that
bring the best practices and exercise science to you. And
it has over a thousand demonstration videos in the app

(44:41):
to let you know how to work with whatever you
were working with, whether it's body weight, a whole gym
that has every possible thing you can imagine, or whatever
you have in your garage. It has a demonstration video
for you. This is the best way to hit your
New Year's fitness goals. It's a great gift for your husband,
for your wife, for a friend who's just been mentioning it,

(45:03):
a parent who wants to because I'll even take into
account age and stuff like that. So it's like, I
want to get in shape, but I'm seventy eight and
I'm not as yoked as Samuel Whitmore, so I need help.
Fitbod can help you out with that as well. So again,
level up your workout. Join fitbod today and get your
personalized workout plan. Get twenty five percent off your subscription
or try the app for free for seven days.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
At fitbod dot me e slash Softcore.

Speaker 2 (45:26):
That's f I t BO d dot e slash Softcore.
So Whittemore was in his fields working when he spotted
an approaching British Relief Brigade under Earl Percy that was
sent to assist in the British.

Speaker 1 (45:43):
Retreat from Lexington and Concord.

Speaker 2 (45:45):
Keep him safe, scored him back to Boston. Whittemore sees
them and it's on site. He loads his musket and
he sneaks up to a little stone wall next to
the road. The British get close right on.

Speaker 1 (46:07):
Top of him. He pops out from behind the wall.
Got to make a count Yep, you have one shot,
one opportunity.

Speaker 2 (46:16):
Pops out from behind the wall, immediately blasts. A British
soldier drops.

Speaker 1 (46:22):
Dead, and the gun's useless.

Speaker 2 (46:25):
Now you're right, that gun is useless now except for
the bayonet. So he pulls out his dueling pistols.

Speaker 1 (46:36):
As previously mentioned.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
That he captured in the French and Indian War.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
Hmmm, so decade old pistols. Yep, and they probably weren't
brand new to that either. No kills, two more British soldiers. Boom, boom,
Two more shots, two more drops three for three the
efficiency alone now Joki.

Speaker 2 (46:57):
Yeah, yeah, now he is out of ammo. So he
pulls out his French sword from King George's War and
is like, come fucking get me.

Speaker 1 (47:13):
This was just a normal day too. He had that
on his person every single day. Yeah, just waiting for
his moment.

Speaker 2 (47:19):
You're not mounting that sword. You carry that sword forever.

Speaker 1 (47:23):
Alpus neighbors like he's doing it again. Why is he
walking around like that? What a dickhead? Uh?

Speaker 2 (47:31):
So he takes out his sword and he's fucking ready.
Unfortunately for him, these are professional soldiers and they are
now very ready as well. For sure, he's killed three
of their friends. These are like the best soldiers on earth.

Speaker 1 (47:43):
But also like, this is a prepper of his time. Yeah,
doomsday of preppers. Now they have all the weapons, all
the food and everything they dream about society collapsing, everything
going to shit, so that they could actually put into
practice what they've prepared for all these years. Same thing,

(48:04):
same opportunity for this guy, he's carrying those pistols, the sword,
just knowing. You know, it doesn't even have to be
the right opportunity. He just has to be a opportunity. Yeah,
I'm gonna pull all this out. I can't wait for
that moment.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
And by the way, it's worth noting he's wildly outnumbered.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
Here took three out. Though he took my surprise, the
element of surprise, three out, wildly outnumbered now has a
sword in You have to imagine a gunfight yep.

Speaker 2 (48:36):
And so he's like takes out his sword and he's like,
let's fucking go immediately shot in the face.

Speaker 1 (48:42):
Oh, I thought you're gonna say, he's just started like
cutting little musket balls in half with this sword.

Speaker 2 (48:46):
One wish, Yeah, I wish what dead It was a
Deadpool that does that?

Speaker 1 (48:50):
I think Deadpool does, but I'm sure there are other
yeah examples.

Speaker 2 (48:54):
No, no, it doesn't end that sweet.

Speaker 1 (48:56):
He shot right in the face. He has shot in
the face. Then they run up and bayonnet the fuck out.

Speaker 2 (49:03):
Of him somewhere between six and thirteen times, according to
different accounts.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
Remind me how old he is again, I'm seventy eight, okay,
and this is American Revolution seventy eight. Yeah, these are
weathered men. Yeah he's been this is his third war now, Yeah,
seventy eight in seventeen seventy five. Yeah, you look you

(49:35):
look like a like an old baseball glove.

Speaker 2 (49:38):
Oh god, the I can't even imagine. I mean, you
would look like essentially a ninety.

Speaker 1 (49:42):
Five year old today. I don't think there's a human
alive that looks the way he did.

Speaker 2 (49:49):
If you want to google, there's this this guy in Asia.
I'm sure he's dead now, but he was like allegedly
the oldest person ever lived. Hes supposed to be like
one hundred and fifty people pretty sure it's made up,
but like he looks like he is one hundred and fifty.

Speaker 1 (50:05):
Yeah, you kind of return back to dirt, to the soil.

Speaker 2 (50:09):
Yeah, you start literally looking like it, like I'm a
rock man. There's actually just grass growing out of your face,
like gets onto you.

Speaker 1 (50:19):
You become groot.

Speaker 2 (50:21):
So now he's bayoneted, just stabed a shit, and the
British are like, he just killed three of her friends.
Fuck this guy, and they just start beating him with
their musket butts.

Speaker 1 (50:30):
After stabbing them and shooting him. He's still alive. He's
still alive, and they just start clubbing the fuck out
of him with.

Speaker 2 (50:36):
The butts of their musket the hard motherfucker. So then
they're like, this old fuck is gonna die. Let them
let him die. Slow fuck them, and they leave him
in a pool of his own blood and just keep marching.

Speaker 1 (50:50):
Mistake, he was.

Speaker 2 (50:51):
Found alive by colonial forces in the process of loading
his musket to resume the fight.

Speaker 1 (50:58):
God forgives he doesn't, but they were like, yeah, old man,
you need a doctor.

Speaker 2 (51:05):
He's taken to doctor Cotton Tufts of Medford, Massachusetts with
a shattered cheekbone, part of his face torn away by
the bullet.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
Did he get lodged anywhere? Go right through the bullet?
It just like ripped off his cheek. Okay, so yeah,
you're surviving that. Yeah, he didn't get domed.

Speaker 2 (51:26):
No, he didn't get domed. He just got it like
cheek ripped off. And uh he the shattered cheekbone is
from a musket butt and then obviously the somewhere between
six and thirteen bayonets.

Speaker 1 (51:36):
You know, at that age, he's probably feeling looser that
he got stabbed and shot. So you haven't felt this
this alive in years. He's lost some blood weight, he's
a little little lighter on his feet. He's a limber, yeah, exactly.
The doctor is like, uh, he's gonna die. Send him
into a suicide message. He's like, I'll do what I can,

(51:58):
but he's gonna die. The just strap him there anything,
there's no hope for survival. Let him go out on
his shield.

Speaker 2 (52:09):
I agree, But he treats him as best he can,
sends him home to die.

Speaker 1 (52:17):
Which he does eighteen years later. So he doesn't make
it to one hundred at the age of ninety six. Damn,
he's so close, I know, being he's.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
A seventy eight year old man, takes a bullet to
the face, takes literally, for sure, concuss to fuck from
the amount of headshots from the musket butts, and I
obviously stabbed a half a dozen to a dozen times.

Speaker 1 (52:51):
Are we sure this isn't like a demigod. I'm not.

Speaker 2 (52:55):
I'm absolutely not sure of that. His hercules, Yeah, today,
I'm sorry. In his later years, people would ask him about,
you know, what he did h and he would always
tell them he regretted nothing, and he would do it again.

Speaker 1 (53:12):
Yeah. I was kind of hoping he made to the
eighteen hundreds, but you know, you live and you learn.
I've been sick if he like fought in the War
of eighteen twelve too, he's like he's immortal.

Speaker 2 (53:27):
Like this guy just doesn't fucking stop. Yeah, it's just
it's like the again, it's like to the uh what,
I've referenced this before, but the opening scene of Wolverine, Yeah,
where he fights in like eight wars. It's like this
guy's doing the same thing, except he is aging unlike
Hugh Jackman.

Speaker 1 (53:42):
But his body heals, but every time he heals, he
gets older.

Speaker 2 (53:48):
Older, like he is, like he ends up and non
but he's like one hundred and eighty years old and
he's just but he's still burning of Vietnong village to
the ground.

Speaker 1 (53:58):
Yeah. Yeah, there's just dust that is coming off them
in all moments. Yeah, he's shedding, just not even skin cells.
Just he's a reptilian.

Speaker 2 (54:07):
Yeah. So he does die obviously at the age of.

Speaker 1 (54:13):
I don't know about obviously ninety six. Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 2 (54:17):
There is a monument to him in Whittamore Park, which
is named for him in Arlington, Massachusetts. It commemorates the
site of his killings.

Speaker 1 (54:28):
As it should. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
In two thousand and five, Massachusetts State Senator Robert Havern
the third proposed naming him Whittemore the state's official hero
with annual commemorations on February third, which I believe is
the case.

Speaker 1 (54:47):
He is Massachusetts official state hero. See on their quarter
or something. No, you know, they don't have a commemorative
quarter or coin.

Speaker 2 (54:56):
They have a well, I don't know if they made
a memory corn. They have a state order, but I
don't think he's on it, but he is their official
state hero.

Speaker 1 (55:04):
Yeah why not? I mean, who else is going to
be the Massachusetts state hero? There's clearly no other options.
There is not another.

Speaker 2 (55:11):
No, not not Samuel or John Adams, not Paul Revere.

Speaker 1 (55:15):
They weren't about that life, no phonies. This man, this
dude was about it to the very end, to the baby. Well,
he don't want to hear about the stories about his nineties.

Speaker 2 (55:26):
He didn't have another chance.

Speaker 1 (55:27):
I guess they sent him home. But what's he doing
for it's and you're still farming? Yeah, this was seventeen
seventy five. This is the first battle of the Revolution.
Why was he not at Yorktown? M Yeah, are you
hurt or are you injured? A lot of guys claim
to be injured, not only hurt. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:49):
I think his wife was finally like three wars is enough?

Speaker 1 (55:54):
Gotta play through it? Do you care about your brothers
in that locker room?

Speaker 2 (55:58):
To be fair, he didn't really have any brothers like
he was did it all alone. There was no like
band of brothers, like this is my buddy, we're in
combat together. He was solo, Yeah, lone wolfing the whole time.
Can you imagine you've just survived like a pretty like

(56:19):
a fairly brutal battle and you're on the way home
and an elderly man pops out and shoots you in
the chest.

Speaker 1 (56:29):
I kind of can believe that. Nh yah, there's a
lot of olds that are getting bodies at this point
there are they're getting fast and loose with their guns.

Speaker 2 (56:39):
Dude, speaking of fast and loose with guns. I actually
I wanted to tell the story in the show Toy.
I was driving to with Rory in the car, and
I was literally leaving my neighborhood. I was in my
neighborhood and these two cars pulled into my neighborhood and
stopped like right at the front of the neighborhood. And
the one guy in the second car gets out starts
coming up to the first car, and he's like and
the guy in the car pulls like rolls down his

(57:01):
window and like.

Speaker 1 (57:02):
Pops his head out. I was like, well, we're good,
were good.

Speaker 2 (57:04):
And some guy's like what what, Like they're arguing. I
couldn't like fully hear them, and then the other guy's like.

Speaker 1 (57:09):
Yes, Roy, I get back in your truck. And then
because the guy starts going back to his truck, and
he goes, yeah, fuck you, fuck you pussy.

Speaker 2 (57:15):
If you came up here, I would have blown your
fucking brains out.

Speaker 1 (57:18):
I would have blown your fucking brains out, pussy.

Speaker 2 (57:21):
I would have fucking blown your brains out, you fucking pussy.

Speaker 1 (57:24):
And this guy was seventy five.

Speaker 2 (57:26):
He was actually like younger than me.

Speaker 1 (57:28):
It was weird. He was like a bro.

Speaker 2 (57:30):
He did not look like the type.

Speaker 1 (57:32):
Being younger than you is not a hard accomplishment, now
I understand that, but it was like we're getting old.
He was like also like, I mean, you're significantly older
than I am. Just a like a frat bro, like
a graduated frat bro who was just like literally screaming
at this guy. I would have killed par for the
course of a frat kid.

Speaker 2 (57:51):
Yeah, but it was like early thirties, late twenties. He
was just screaming, I would have murdered you. I would
have murdered you. I would have murdered you.

Speaker 1 (58:02):
Yeah. Yeah. To never get in fights, especially on the
you know road rage incidents. Honking ain't worth somebody will
establish you.

Speaker 2 (58:10):
Yeah, honking is not worth it.

Speaker 1 (58:13):
My typical move is just to be to de escalate,
just be like you good, everything all right? Yeah? You
having a bad day? Like does it have to get
to this point? Why are you doing this?

Speaker 2 (58:27):
Then you take him out for a beer. When he
gets up to piss you drop five xan xes into
his beer, and then once he's passed out, you drop
him in a puddle.

Speaker 1 (58:36):
Mm hmm and go on with your day. That's full circle, baby, Yeah.

Speaker 2 (58:42):
Yeah, but that's all I got today on Samuel Whittemore,
Massachusetts official State Hero and the Oldest Man A the
oldest man to fight in the American Revolution, and B
I have to assume the oldest man to ever get
a body in an American war.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
I'm not gonna say that with conviction seventy eight, you
think we're topping seventy eight. I'm sure in the Civil
War there was an eighty year old that got a body.
So there was a guy at Gettysburg. I think his
name was John Burns. He's by accident.

Speaker 2 (59:17):
He was really old. He fought in the War of
eighteen twelve. Yes, we can do an episode on him
if we want.

Speaker 1 (59:26):
But he was sixty to the Patreon.

Speaker 2 (59:28):
He was sixty nine at the Battle of Gettysburg.

Speaker 1 (59:31):
That's not that old compared to him. But here's what
he looked like at sixty nine, looks at thousand.

Speaker 2 (59:36):
We have photos of John Burns. We do looks a thousand.

Speaker 1 (59:41):
It's actually he looks good. I don't know what the
fuck you're talking about. It looks great for his age.
He looks weathered as shit for sixty nine. It's not
the most detailed photo, but weathered as shit. Now, imagine
that one hundred years earlier.

Speaker 2 (59:56):
Right like almost literally one hundred years earlier.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
I can't imagine it's great. Uh what I mean if
he's fighting, do you think he's still fucking at that age.
He's gotta be rock hard. Like he had to have
high tea.

Speaker 2 (01:00:10):
Yeah, the highest tea possible.

Speaker 1 (01:00:12):
Maybe he had a kid right before he died, like
ninety he picassoed it. No, who was the uh, who's
the president that had a grandson that just died that
from the seventeen hundreds, Tyler it was Tyler.

Speaker 2 (01:00:26):
Yeah, yeah, like just died. His grandson just died.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:33):
Yeah, I think he fucked until mid eighties minimum.

Speaker 1 (01:00:39):
Good good on him. His life, well lived three wars.
That'll that is what anger will just get for you.
You'll continue to.

Speaker 2 (01:00:48):
Live because it gives you purpose.

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
More more than purpose, just the amount the pettiness will
drive you to do something. Oh yeah, yeah, the mental
The greatest men are always petty. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:05):
Oh, every little thing it gets them to just keep moving,
keep moving. Every moment is it's the heart beating. Every
moment is a slight against them, and it just keeps
them driving. The moment they're sat, they're like a shark.
They can't stop swimming.

Speaker 1 (01:01:20):
Yeah. I mean, look at Chase. He's an old dickhead
and he's he's not going anywhere. Shouts to my dog.

Speaker 2 (01:01:28):
I think my fifteen year old dog is the same way.
Leo has just nothing but disdain for everything around him and.

Speaker 1 (01:01:35):
Keeps him a lot, keeps them fucking chugging, keep on
being to your Chase, You perfect little guy over there.
What'd you learn today? All about this? I learned that
you're just riding in my wake though. With the American Revolution, well,
you were on the Patreot and I was riding ken Burns,
trying to cash in on that sweet sweet seo. And

(01:01:57):
we gotta do it. We gotta do it on both
both platforms. Oh, I learned about you and your cousin's
friend experimenting.

Speaker 2 (01:02:08):
We didn't do anything that was it wasn't really an experiment.
I mean I knew what was gonna happen. Yeah, you're right,
experiment you don't know the results. You might you can
guess at the results.

Speaker 1 (01:02:19):
You can hypothesis, have a hypothesis, yeah, but try to prove.

Speaker 2 (01:02:22):
That, right, Yeah, I knew what the result would be,
fair enough, A hot load.

Speaker 1 (01:02:29):
Who's today's hitler? I'm gonna say the guys that just
couldn't get the job done killing.

Speaker 2 (01:02:36):
Him, right, No wonder they lost those fucking battles.

Speaker 1 (01:02:41):
You shot him in the face, baydon tted him and
then beat the shot of him with the back of
your guns. And you just and there's many of you, right,
you're surrounding shit ton this dude has, he's on the ground.
What a bunch of pansy bois. Yeah, soft, soft British hands,
absolutely soft.

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
I just love that. Like, I mean, it's literally a
scene out of The Patriot like musket done, dual pistol
done done.

Speaker 1 (01:03:11):
But But actually, what I learned today is the greatest
superpower is being a masshole. Yep.

Speaker 2 (01:03:16):
Yeah, it's an indomitable spirit.

Speaker 1 (01:03:21):
The Northeast is just different. We're just better. We're superior beings.

Speaker 2 (01:03:26):
I think it all goes back to.

Speaker 1 (01:03:28):
Not in ways you want to be superior. Just works
out that way. Yeah. No, uh, that's all I got
for today. Check out the Patreon Patreon dot com slash
Software history. Two additional episodes on the main feed for Patreon.
That's five dollars a month, So those episodes drop Wednesday

(01:03:52):
and Friday. We then have a twenty dollars tier and
that really helps support me as this is my only
job at the moment, and uh yeah, I could use
some money. We do a sports show on that tier, yes,
every week. We want to talk about slowly releasing other
episodes on that as well, where you can only get
the twenty dollars here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:04:12):
Yeah, Actually this this week's sports show is going to
be a sports show is going to be a doozy.

Speaker 1 (01:04:17):
Yeah, might have to uh maybe two parted or something.
We do a lain episode alone.

Speaker 2 (01:04:22):
We're just gonna need to set aside like a big
block and just we're gonna go two hours on accident.

Speaker 1 (01:04:28):
Yeah yeah. So check out the Patreon Patreon dot com
slas Software story. Check out the YouTube you can see
our pretty faces. Look at the setup. We've got the
Christmas lights going right now, we got the green in
the back. But then I also have some lights that
I strung up. And leave a review, please and thank you.
On Apple and Spotify Spotify, you don't have to leave

(01:04:50):
five star review Spotify, you.

Speaker 2 (01:04:52):
Just click the five stars. You know, you don't have
to write anything if.

Speaker 1 (01:04:55):
You want, though. On Apple, it'd be really great if
you could leave a cool and funny review. Actually maybe
in we'll give it two weeks. In two weeks, we'll
read some of the reviews at the end of the episode. Yeap,
So also do some funny reviews.

Speaker 2 (01:05:08):
Commenting on the Spotify I think helps just algorithm.

Speaker 1 (01:05:12):
Commenting on the YouTube too. Comments comment on the YouTube here.
We're trying to manipulate the algorithm so somebody can find us,
hopefully one day. Otherwise we're gonna have to end up
doing TikTok dances.

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
Yeah, which you sick focks will probably revel in.

Speaker 1 (01:05:27):
But you bitches want that, don't you, dirty, dirty, dirty boys.
I'll pop top if you need me too. You've been saying,
I know, shutters almost back to one hundred percent. Yeah,
we're gonna start benching the next month or so.

Speaker 2 (01:05:42):
We don't want to disappoint the people after all this time.

Speaker 1 (01:05:46):
Minor setback, major comeback. Yeah yeah, much like the financial
situation going on right now. Boy, did those futures I
placed in July? I didn't have the foresight that I
would have been in the position them in now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:06:04):
You don't really consider your future when you place a
future bet. You only consider the future of the bet.

Speaker 1 (01:06:09):
Yeah, I'm like, this will hit, dude. I can't wait
to win like ten thousand dollars in six months. All right,
you got another thought? I owe I won't say the number. Yeah,
my parents will listen to the show.

Speaker 2 (01:06:25):
There were long odds you have like one hundred bucks.

Speaker 1 (01:06:27):
It's fine anyway for the episode. Thanks for tuning in.
We love you guys for our fucks. I'm damn Rochester.
You just gotta saw serve