After the Macros: From the Edge to a Clear Calm Mind

In this powerful episode of Stories of Survivors, JD Healy opens up about his harrowing journey through the darkest corridors of grief, a life-threatening heart attack, and suicidal despair—and how he fought his way back to peace, clarity, and purpose. With heartfelt vulnerability and wisdom hard-earned through lived experience.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:35):
Hey there, and welcome back to SOOS Stories of Survivors.
I'm your host, Serena Dansker, and it is my absolute
honor and privilege to welcome my guest today, j D Heally.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
Now.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
J D is the author of After the Macros. He's
also the founder of Clear Calmmind. JD once lived by
the Numbers. He was a Wall Street guy and his
life changed forever and he's going to tell us his
story and this is going to be one amazing show.

(01:08):
So grab a cup of tea and settle in and
let us welcome j D. Thank you JD for coming.

Speaker 2 (01:16):
Oh, Serena, thank you so much for having me. And
I really hope I can live up to that, to
that introduction, and thank you very much for that.

Speaker 1 (01:24):
Well, you know, I've heard your story and you know
we all struggle, you know, at different times of our lives.
And I know that that you know, you have a
lot of experience in your life with struggles, and before
we dive into that, I want to get, you know,
give our audience an idea of your background and you

(01:47):
know where you grew up, you know, kind of family life,
So if you could just start.

Speaker 2 (01:50):
There, I grew up in Freeport, New Or to south
show Long Island. You probably aware of that. And and
people at know Freeport know the nautical mile that's Woodcluft Canal.
That's where all the fishing boats and now the fishing
and gambling boats used to be just fishing boats. So
as kids, we you know, we grew up chasing up

(02:11):
and down, you know, all the different boats that would
come in. When the fishing boats came in, we'd jump
on and we would start cleaning them up and uh,
and they'd throw us a few bucks for cleaning their boats.
We'd have money to buy bait for the next day.
The system really worked. It was the kind of neighborhood
that it's funny that we all wound up being pretty
gregarious people in our adult lives, but we didn't have to.

(02:34):
We grew up in a neighborhood. But there was so
many kids in the neighborhood that that you didn't have
to worry about going out and making friends beyond you know,
Saint Mark's Avenue and Freeport. But it really was that
kind of a neighborhood that I don't know, I say,
I used to tell my kids, you know, I wish
that they could experience what I experienced. So we went
out every sport that was in season. We were playing

(02:54):
right in the middle of the street. You know, we
learned about do overs. You know, there's a car, come
in car, you moved, you moved the goalie net, you know,
off to the side, let the car go by. And
even though the guy just took a shot and got
the gold, didn't count. You know, do it all over again.
You know, he had different people's parents that were occasionally
standing in the in the in the doorway, looking out

(03:15):
the windows and watching over us, and and uh, they
kind of kept us in line. And everybody was your
mom and everybody was your dad. And you know, if
you ended up at your buddy's house and then having
beat dinner time, his mom would call your mom and
say he's eating here. Kind of thing. It's a really,
really fantastic way to grow up.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
That's awesome. Now, did you have brothers sisters?

Speaker 2 (03:35):
So I have a brother and a sister. I'm the
youngest of three. I'm pretty sure that that that I
was a surprise, as my mother said, but what a
wonderful surprise. My brother and my sister. My brother is
six years older than me, he's he's out in side Harbor,
uh and then half the year he's down here in

(03:55):
uh or Is. He says, six months in one day,
he's down in Florida. Because it's a it's a very
irs sensitive kind of a statement. But so my brother's
six years older than me, and my sister is four
years older than me, four years to the day, April seventeenth,
and so that gap between the first two and me
pretty much started to make us think maybe I wasn't

(04:18):
the planned kid. But like my mom said, she was
very happy when I did actually arrived. And so I
came into the world. You know, I don't know what
it's like to be the oldest kid in the family,
but as the youngest kid in the family, you come in,
it's like everything's already set up for you, you know.
I mean, you come in and everybody's really cool to you,
you know, because you're a baby. You know, they treat

(04:38):
you really nice. And I'm like, the world is a
fantastic place to live, And it really was fantastic. I
don't think my first you know, dose of reality came
in until the first time I went to school and
I came home and my mom got a look on her.
She said, what's the look on your face? What is it?
I said, Mom, I don't think those people love me?

(05:00):
And she said, what do you mean? And you know,
it was I was. I was just a kid in
the class. They were nice to me, just like they
were anybody else. But I wasn't like treated like I
was doted on really like everybody around the neighborhood, you know,
even in my family and the neighborhood kind of things.
So it was a little bit of a del's a reality.
But I got over that.

Speaker 1 (05:17):
Yeah, it's funny that you say that. I think, you know,
growing up in the streets of New York. I mean
I grew up in a similar situation, surrounded by kids,
and you know, and you had your people, and you
learned to adapt, You learned to pivot, you learned to
you know, to combat you know, those those struggles of
early childhood. Would you say that that that those that

(05:42):
adaptation helped you for as you got older later in life.
And and let's let's talk a little about you know, JD.
Who you were, you know early on, like you know,
in your twenties, you know, and where you met your
first wife and how you know how how that all went.

Speaker 2 (06:00):
Know, I left, I left New York and finished high
school in Albuquerque, New Mexico. My dad, my dad took
a position at a company out there, and uh, it
was it was a strange. It was a strange experience
for me because you know, I've been to Florida once
as a kid, and uh, and that was really awesome.

(06:22):
But really, for the most part, I was in New York.
That's where I spent most of my life, with a
tri state area, you know. And and so I really
didn't know much or see my It was no internet
or anything. And and and really who cared. We were kids, right,
I wasn't paying much attention to what was going around
in the rest of the world. And I remember flying
in and looking down and I thought, Wow, the dirt
is even a different color here. You know. I was

(06:44):
kind of excited about it, you know, because I think
that was the first time in my life that I thought,
you know, not that there was anything wrong or anything,
but I thought I could actually bed be whoever I
want to be. These people don't know who I am.
I mean, I could just come in and just and
just be somebody else. My sister had changed her name
from we always call a Kathy. She changed the Kathleen

(07:04):
when she went to college. She came home, She's like,
I'm Kathleen. Now. I'm like, You're gonna be CAF to
me for the rest of my life. But you can
tell anybody else what what you want, you know what
I mean. It's like those defining moments. And the strange
thing was is that, you know, I spent the last
year and a half of high school not going to
school with the with the with the kids that I
grew up with, but with a whole brand new set
of kids. So I I don't know that I immediately

(07:29):
I was embraced, you know, by the by the community.
It was more of a novelty. You know. There wasn't
a lot of New Yorkers that had moved out there,
and and uh, and the ones that did all live
in Rio Rancho. So everybody kept saying, so you live
in Rio Rancho, and why does everybody keep saying that?
You know? And uh, and I didn't. And when I
said I didn't, it was like wait a second, almost
like almost like, well, we have a program, we keep

(07:50):
you all in real Rancho, you know. Uh. But it
was really It was cool because it was that first
experience of okay, different culture, you know, and and trying
to figure out what what the different culture was, you know,
and again you know how we are we there's something
about the DNA of of how New Yorkers are raised
that that you know, it just isn't like, well, sit

(08:13):
back and just see what happens with life. It's no.
We get our uniforms dirty, you know. I mean we
jump in you know, all the time. So I was
trying to figure, you know, out what was going on
there and and really starting to know to appreciate there's
so many different things. I'd never been around mountains. I
skied once at Bare Mountain as a kid or something
like that. But you know, there aren't any mountains on
on Long Island, you know. I mean we used to

(08:35):
have to go to Oil Cans City or the North
Shore to find places to ride our skateboard. You know.
So all that stuff was really so cool and and
different to me. Uh, it was exciting. I mean, I
I really enjoyed it. I Uh, I left, you know,
I I got to a point where I think I was,
you know, like I said, when you don't fit in

(08:56):
necessarily with that with that group that's that's in there.
They were very they were very siloed, I think, you know,
like like in New York you could be you could
be a jock and or any other you know thing
like we didn't. We didn't define ourselves by those that
you could play sports, and you.

Speaker 1 (09:13):
Could study and be a nerd you know.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
Yeah, yeah, and and party. You know. I mean, you know,
if my kids are growing up, I could say this now,
you know, it's like, yeah, I mean like we did
it all. We didn't. We didn't limit ourselves and everything.
But I saw that there was a little bit more
structure to how everybody was growing up. At least where
I was at in Albuquerque. It was like there was
a very big partition between you know, this group and
that group and the other group. And you know, I've

(09:39):
never been a partition guy, you know, so I would
float in between all the groups. And because I came
from the outside coming in, I could do that. It
was really that part was really cool to me. Also,
you know, to be able to.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
Do that, I think I think that's a superpower quite honestly,
I think the ability to navigate from one group to another,
you know, it's shows who you are. That's that you're
just not pigeonholed into one specific area, you know. So
I agree about how you know later on? You know,
did you went to college? Did you where? Did you
meet your your wife?

Speaker 2 (10:14):
So I've gone to college several times. I I you know,
I was raised to you know, if I wanted those
converse all stars, you know, I better go get a job.
I remember my father saying that to me, I have
a roof over your head. I'm not paying twelve ninety
nine for a pair of sneakers, you know. So he's
got to be rolling in his grave right now. Yeah,

(10:36):
one hundred and fifty bucks now for sneakers. But uh so,
I my parents were splitting up and and when I
was in my senior year, so I was seventeen, and
I remember them having a conversation. I could hear them
and they're like, look, as soon as he graduates, we're
gonna have to have a serious conversation about it. So

(10:57):
the next day I came in I told him. He
said that the keys I'm going and they said, where
are you going? I said, I'm going to move out,
and they said, you're not even out of high school,
and I said, yeah, I'm moving out because I love
you both. But I could see pretty clearly what was
going to happen is that they were going through their
their struggles, and I didn't want them to resent me,

(11:20):
you know what I mean, because that's sometimes that will
that's what will happen. It's like, if you're only staying
together for me, that's not a good enough reason to
stay together. And I love them both, and they're both
gone now, but I love both my parents, and I thought,
you guys got to figure it out. And I didn't
want to be that lynchpin. So so I moved out
and and and I moved in with you know, as

(11:40):
typical you know, well we're seventeen years old. I mean,
one of my friends was eighteen, so he could sign
the lease and and so we moved into a place
and there was four of us, and we had like
a tapestry that split the split the bedroom so we
could have like four bedrooms. Funny that was in Albuquerque.
That was ridiculous. My friends were great guys, but but

(12:04):
a lot of them, you know, were basically raising themselves,
you know, and so you know, there was there was
issues that happened with a lot of them and a
lot of my friends I waved goodbye to because they
went to other state institutions other than other than college.
And so I I left and I joined the Air

(12:26):
Force because I really, I really needed to get out
and and uh and get a fresh perspective. And I
did and that was great.

Speaker 1 (12:35):
Great. Did you choose the air Force because you like
the discipline that the military brought or did you find
that life or you just love.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
To fly, or because because it was because it was
a way out and and uh, you know, I'd love
to tell you it's because you know, I love my country.
I do. I do love my country, But that's not
why I was doing it. I needed to get out
of there, I uh, because I was now I'd basically
gotten to myself into an environment where I could see
that if I'm surrounded by you know, your the company

(13:04):
that you keep is really important to to where you're
going to be going. And I needed to shift some
of the company that I was keeping. So that was
a nice little break for me and a reset in
my life, and one of one of several resets that
that have happened in my lifetime.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
It's funny because the way you know you describe it.
It's true, birds of a feather flock together. And if
you find yourself in company that that is really not
where you want to be. You know, you God bless
you man, you have the wherewithal to recognize that and say,
you know what, I need to get out and change
my change my situation. And you did so. So so

(13:39):
you're in the air in the Air Force. And how
did that go?

Speaker 2 (13:44):
Fine? I got out of the Air Force. Just I
wanted to share one thing with you because I think
it's part of one of the foundational things in me,
is that what I realized is that while while there
was some issues with some of my friends, and many
of them are gone, you know, left the planet and
hopefully you know, in heaven and and and found themselves.

(14:05):
But the thing that really drew us together was was connecting.
We were all looking for, you know, for that connection,
and we found that amongst each other. So so it
doesn't really matter, it doesn't matter where you're at. And
and you know, you hear people say there's no such
thing as a bad kid and everything, Well, you know
there is, you know, if if they're left completely unbridled

(14:27):
and everything. But usually at the base of that is
you're you're looking for something, you're you know, I mean
half the time kids are looking for I'm pushing the
edge of the envelope. Tell me where the edge? Where
the edges, you know, so I so I can stop
trying to do this, you know. And we know that
when kids are little, you know, like when kids test us,
when when they're just little, well when they get older,
they're still doing that, right, there's still looking at people

(14:49):
that they trust, hoping that there's going to be somebody
that goes, Okay, that's it. That's the line, you know,
and you don't go past that. And some of us
learned that in a normal course of scope of growing up,
if there is such a thing as normal course and scope, uh,
And some of us learned that, you know, as as
life went on. These pieces that I'm describing to you,
I have only put together in my adult life, you know.

(15:09):
I mean I may have understood it viscerally, but but
I couldn't have put this down and put pen to
paper and say what I was thinking at the time
was it wasn't like that. It's just I know now
that what it was is that we were all just
looking for some kind of connection. And and so when
I got out of the Air Force, you know, I
was like, well, say what am I going to do?

(15:31):
And uh, I got an opportunity to go out to California.
My brother was out there and he said, come on
out and and uh and I started working with a
guy just you know, go do the job kind of thing.
I started working with a guy doing Harvard flooring, and
then I got into construction. One thing led to another
and and that's where my life has always been. One
thing leads to another. And uh, I got hired by

(15:55):
I got hired by a law firm. We're at a
poker game and and there's a whole bunch of guys
at this poker game and uh, you know, like five
tables going and and by the end, I'm at the
final table and they came down to being one other guy,
you know, head to head, and I wound up winning,
you know, the whole thing, no big feel. Yeah, but

(16:18):
but I get a phone call from one of the
guys in the party's in the tourney. He calls me
up and he said, he goes, he goes, I'll use
his name, and this is Will Ramsey goes, you remember me.
And I said, of course, you know, and and he goes,
and I can hear him shaking his head. I can
hear like, okay, he goes. He goes. You know when
I first met you, he goes, I didn't like you.
And I was like, hey, can you tell me why

(16:40):
you're calling why? He goes, He goes, I want you
to come in. I want to talk to you about
the job. It was the strangest introduction to a job.
So I went in and I talked to him and
he said, look, he goes, let me ask you a question.
He said at that poker party. He said, how many
people at that poker party did you know before that night?

(17:00):
And they said one my brother? And he goes, he goes,
and I said what he goes, He goes, I don't
have that. I said, what are you talking about? He said?
You know? He said, anybody if they would have seen
that that scenario that night, the way you're talking to everybody,
they would have assumed that you knew everybody there for
most of your life. And I never thought about it,

(17:21):
but he taught me a very valuable lesson. He and
another guy actually actually had me put pen to paper.
If you want to know what your best qualities are.
Write down on a piece of paper what you think
on other your top ten best qualities, and then ask
three people that really know you, hopefully that love you
and care about you, what they think your best qualities are.

(17:42):
You'll be surprised if any or more than one of
what you think are your best qualities come out of
their mouths. People we tend to glaze over what you know.
It's like, well everybody's got that, you know they don't.
And he was one of those guys that recognized that
he didn't have something. He said, I need somebody who
can go out and talk to anybody, and then I

(18:02):
need them to be able to get statements from them
to back up cases that that I'm working on. So
do you want to be a private investigator? And I said,
well sure, what is that involved? He said, well, I'm
in a triarney, but I'm also a private investigator. You
work on my license for you know, for for two
years or I think it was one year, like a
year and a half something like that, and he goes
and then you apply and he gets your own license.

(18:23):
So I did that for thirteen years. It was great.
At the best time.

Speaker 1 (18:28):
That's that's that's so amazing. And I really like the
point that you make too, because I find we find
it so easy to criticize ourselves, you know, but but
to give ourselves kudos it comes a lot harder, you know.
And and to forgive ourselves it's you know, well, and.

Speaker 2 (18:46):
And it's hard because you think that you think that,
you think that you're again your best qualities. You think, well,
everybody has that. It's like we do tend to take
for granted the things that come, you know, and maybe
they come natural, but they're usually curated some way, you know. Uh,
you know, by the way that we live our lives,
by the people that affected our lives. And and uh,

(19:08):
it brings out this side of us again. Why because
why would you ever develop those skill sets other than
to connect in some way, shape or form. Now, in
my way, it was to connect like this, Like I
really enjoyed people and I love connecting at this level.
But some people are more analytical and they connect by
by you know, I can only assume look at this,

(19:29):
look at the program that I just wrote, and that's
a whole bunch of code, and other coders really enjoy that,
you know, And then we enjoy the finished product that
we can hit a button and something happens like, oh man,
I'm glad that person has that skill set.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
You are a private investigator. You know, you're living in California,
You're living, you know, a good life. Will you single?

Speaker 2 (19:51):
Them?

Speaker 1 (19:52):
Were you married? What was going on with you?

Speaker 2 (19:55):
So? I was? I was single then, but I had
met I had met my first wife, mayor Mary. She
she was an X ray tech and she worked at
at Signa and buddy of mine he worked there also,
so he knew her, and he was dating a girl
that that was a nurse there. The girl that was
the nurse had a party at her house, which was

(20:17):
an apartment complex in Northridge, and uh, and I was there,
and I remember there was a knock of the door,
as a whole bunch of people, but there was a
knock at the door, and it caught my attention because
as the door opened, there was this flash of blonde hair,
which you know, caught my I looked over and I
saw her talking to her her friend, the nurse, and uh,

(20:38):
and then she said like this and she took off,
and when her friend came back in, I said, who's
that She says, Oh, that's my friend Mary. And I said, well,
where's she going. Oh, she's she's tired. She's going to
go back to her place. And I said where she lives.
She lives in apartment whatever. So I went over and
I knocked on the door, and uh, she opened the door,
and uh, and I remember that I looked at her

(21:00):
and I didn't look like a stalker, you know, thankfully,
or anything like that was you know, she smiled, she said,
you know, what is it? I said, I'm Harold's friend,
you know, and and uh, you know, I just was
wondering why you weren't at the party, and she said,
I I just don't want to do that. I said, well,
would you like, you know, would you like to talk,
you know, have a little bit of company? And I think
she said, I don't know, and and and the door
goes open. So cute, you know. So we went in

(21:25):
and we talked for a while and we got to
know each other. It was fantastic and and she was lovely.
She was she was lovely and uh so, okay, I
don't want to I can't go too much on that
one if I'm going to finish this show with you.
But but yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, she she was.

(21:51):
She was awesome, you know, and uh, you know she
was she was really bright. She was one of those
people that like she'd be on call and and you know,
the middle of the night they called, she's got to
go in. I drive her. Uh you know, she'd go
in and she's got to do an you know, X
ray somebody. She could do all these different set all
the dials and everything. I'm thinking I would be frying people.

(22:11):
I mean, you know, I mean I can barely see
drive in here, you know. But you know, she just
had that kind of that kind of a mind. And
so we were getting yeah, we we So we got
married and and we got married in eight June of
eated nine June seventeenth, and and uh in May and
nineteen ninety one, Emma was born, uh you know, our

(22:34):
first and I was, oh, my goodness, overwhelmed with how wonderful.
I remember, well, it's a great detail. I remember just
looking as Emma came out that I looked at her,
and I looked at Mary, and I looked at Emma,
and I looked at Mary and I just said, to
marry what I won't say, because we've had to bleep
it out, but I, like, you are just so incredible.

(22:56):
I just I couldn't believe that a human being could
do that. And look, I know how it all works,
but it's like it's different, it's different when you're there.
And I just thought, one incredible thing, you know, to
to be able to do what a gift and amazing what.

Speaker 1 (23:10):
A woman's body can do.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
I mean, really, it really is out of the in
our species. There is absolutely no doubt about it. In
my mind, which one is the more valuable, you know,
of the two? I mean, uh, you know, I uh,
we're important and we have our role and everything like that,
but it tails in comparison in my mind.

Speaker 1 (23:29):
That's so. So you had your first child, then did
you have any more kids?

Speaker 2 (23:32):
We did two years later James was born, and uh,
it's funny, you know, because you know, so now I
had my boy, you know, and uh and and a
lot of people, you know, you hear, like a lot
of guys look like I have my boy and everything
that I was definitely looking forward to and everything. But
there was a moment there where I thought, you know,
I felt a little I felt a little like, you know,

(23:54):
wait a second, because I gave my entire heart to
my to my daughter. You know, but you find that,
you know, there is room, you know, uh in there.
There's a lot of room in the human art if
you just figure out how to use it, right, you know.
And uh, and and he's he's just a he's just
a wonderful kid there. And you your kids will never
be the same, right, I mean it's like you don't
have two of the same kids.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
Uh, they're and they were not the same at all.

Speaker 2 (24:18):
They were I can't imagine, right, yeah, I can imagine.
You have the greatest example to to to look at,
you know, because with three kids, it's like, how are
you so dramatically different? You know, and you know, the
similarities are awesome too, but but the fact that they
are unique individuals is is really such a cool thing.
And so we were, you know, we were living a life,

(24:39):
you know, you know, living in the tall grass as
they say. And and uh and life. Life was good.
And Mary started to have Mary started to have trouble
with she'd get anxiety, uh and uh and then you
know that started to go into some depressive thoughts and
she would have really really down days and and uh,
you know, so I mean, I didn't know anything about

(25:01):
any of that stuff, you know, uh, except for that
you know, on lover and and I wanted to try
and support her, so she would, she saw counselors, she went,
you know, went to a psychiatrist, you know that kind
of thing, and you know, and and really the answer
was always, uh, well, we're just going to give you
this bill. And and I'm not trying to deify the
as the industry. There's wonderful things that can happen.

Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, but but I I agree that the mental health
industry needs us needs and overhaul it has for a
long time. But I want to get onto other parts
of your story. But I want to hear what Mary
and and and and and the impact on your life.

Speaker 2 (25:37):
Well, we we, uh we got an opportunity to to
go back to New York so I could work on
Wall Street and and uh and I took it. And
so we moved, and we moved to Merrick and uh
sot out on the island and and uh and I'm
commuting back and forth to uh to the city and
and doing my thing. I think, uh, you know, as
a as a girl from northern California, you know, New

(26:01):
York was overwhelming, you know, for her at first. But
but you know, and I know that the neighbors and
stuff like that, when they kind of come at you
like this, they're coming at you because you know they care.
You know, you know, now I grew up around that,
so you it scared her at first, but then she realized, Wow,
these people are kind of incredible. You know, they won't

(26:23):
ignore you, that's for sure. You're you're gonna know that
you have neighbors. And uh and that was something unusual
between you know, what I saw in California, you know,
compared to New York. And and so she was, you know,
she was finding her way and do the things. But
but that darkness was was really was really starting to
you know, creep in more. She got to where she was,

(26:45):
she was trying to anesthetize herself. Really common for people
that you know that have bipolar they call it now,
we just call it madic depression. Back then. Uh So,
she closet drink, literally closet drink. I had gotten her,
We got her into Betty Ford to try and help
her because she had tried to she had tried to
commit suicide. And and and uh so she went in

(27:11):
and when she came out of there, she was fantastic.
It was incredible. I thought, these people are miracle workers.
The thing is is that you know, there's there's so
much that you have to do to make sure that
you're maintaining your mental health and wellness. I mean, I
get it now, But what happened is is that that
over time, you know, she she she really struggled, and

(27:35):
and then we lost Mary in in March of in
March of two thousand and um, and you know, I
didn't know where to put that. I really just didn't
understand where to where to put that. You know, it's
you know, I felt I felt I felt guilty because
I felt like, you know, I should have been able

(27:57):
to do something. You know, you know, and you know,
and everybody will tell you know, well you know, what
could you do and everything like that and everything, but
that doesn't mean that you still don't feel like, you know,
you should have been able to do something. It's so final,
as you know, and I know your story, you know,
it's just that finality of it is just so oh,

(28:17):
it's it's just so frustrating.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
And there's there's a lot of emotions behind it because
it's it's you have still all of this love and
and and there's nowhere to put that love. And you
you know, you actually have like a pit inside your
soul when you lose you know. So you know, so suddenly,
and you had two small children, you know.

Speaker 2 (28:39):
They were five and eight at the you know, at
the time. And I remember my father in law. He
went in, he paid his uh, he paid his last respects, uh,
you know, to his daughter, and then he came out
and and he he pulled me aside, and he said
some really wonderful things to me. He's gone now too,
but uh he said some really incredible wonderful things to

(29:00):
be including at the end, he goes, now, you're a
young man, and you and those kids are going to
need somebody. I'm like, I'm looking at him, like, oh,
what what the hell are you talking about. But he
was a pragmatist, you know, he knew actually he was
very healthy the way that he sort of looked at things,
and and uh, he was not going to get stuck

(29:21):
in the morbidity of losing his daughter. And he was
going to move forward with what he has left. And
you know, he told me that he loved me, uh,
he couldn't love me anymore as if I was one
of his own sons. Wow, and and and uh and
of course he just adored Emma and James and because
you know, that's what he had left, you know, his daughter.

(29:42):
Besides the memories really incredible. But I didn't just take
that and go, Okay, I'm gonna go out and find somebody.
You know. It wasn't going to be like that, you know,
I I I just what I did is I buried
myself in work, which is a typical male thing to do.
I think, you know, that was my anesthesia for a while.

(30:02):
I got the kids in counseling, did all that kind
of stuff. I'm hoping that they were going to get better.
And I remember that. You know, look, I was, I
was a broker. You know, we spent a lot of
time entertaining, and that entertaining usually involved you know, spending
money on an expense account, which involved a lot of
drinking in the city. And that went from hey, I'm

(30:24):
just doing my job too, you know, I'm not feeling
you know, you know anymore. And that really got amplified
when the you know, so the next year, you know,
on September eleventh, two thousand and one. I'm right in
on the train I get to I get to pen
and I'm going to go catch a two three to
go down to the Financial District. And I see my

(30:46):
brother in law. And this is funny because if anybody knows,
you know, how the trains work and everything. He was
at his spot, you know, and my spots further down,
you know, and I wanted to go to my spot.
I remember thinking the time, Oh, man, I can't believe
he's gonna make me go to his. But I couldn't.
I couldn't not. I know it double negative, you know,
go over and talk to so I. So I went
to his spot, and you know, because it all depends

(31:07):
on where you're gonna stop, you know, at your stopping staircase,
you go up, you know, and uh, that don't make
sense to the New Yorkers, maybe not anybody else, but so,
you know, we're just shooting the breeze and as Chambers,
as the doors are closing, get chambers. He's like, oh,
and I'm like, you're stopped because we were so involved
in our conversation, said he missed Chambers. He gets off
at park Place and I remember watching him go up

(31:29):
and thinking he's going to be a couple of minutes
late for work. Is now he's going to backtrack to
get over to to Cannifitzgerald and and and obviously he
died that day. And so that was my last conversation
with him. And oh, I got to tell you, Serena,
you know, I mean these things, losing my life, you know, uh,

(31:50):
then the attacks, you know, on nine to eleven. And
obviously I'm not the only one that's gone through any
of this stuff. And I never try and make it,
but like that kind of thing, people have their own
aeriences and everything. And while this stuff was overwhelmingly you know, impactful,
you know on me, I wasn't depressed. I was angry,
I was filled with grief. I was you know, there

(32:12):
was just all these different other emotions that were going
through and everything. But I was persevering. And I make
that point because I didn't realize until later what what
the difference is between the two, you know, I mean, sure,
you're down, down, and because you lost a loved one, uh,
you know, is is pretty normal, you know, but dark

(32:34):
morbid thoughts you know, of I don't want to be
here anymore? Is is an unnatural thing to be going
through through someone's head. And when when that started happening
to me and this is later, but when that started
happening to me, I, you know, I came to realize
it's a real big difference between you know, between sorrow
and UH and and depression.

Speaker 1 (32:54):
Was there was there something that that made you recognize
that because a lot of times, you know, you bury
those feelings underneath the alcohol or or you know, you
you distract yourself with work or whatever, or you lash
out at the family, or you know, was there something
that that that said to you, whoa, this is a
new feeling or that was going on?

Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, so I was. I was definitely spinning out of control.
You know. I I tried all kinds of bad ways
to try and fix the situation that we were in,
and I just kept making it worse. You know, I'd
gotten into a relationship that that was just not a
good idea, you know, and you know, you'll never be
in a in a just my opinion, but you'll never

(33:40):
be in a good relationship if you're building it on
a foundation of your broken uh you know, broken steps
you know underneath you you know, you've got to get
your own foundation solid and then you can then you
can really build a really good relationship and and uh
so the wheels are really fallen off, and I just
said like, I just can't do this. And I I

(34:00):
remember leaving, leaving my position and people are like, oh
my god, you're leaving a job on Wall Street and
everything like that. So, well, what difference does it does
the money make? If you know, if I'm going to
you know, drink myself to death, you know, it just
didn't make any sense. So I thought, well, you know,
let's go. The kids came home from school and I said,

(34:21):
we're going to go on an adventure. You know, it's
it's it's summertime. And and they're like, okay, cool, So
go upstairs with pack two or three days' worth of
clothes and we're going on an adventure. And they they
get into the car. As we're heading across the Verasa
and narrows. I hit the button on the car phone
and I called my reeltor and she goes, what's up?
And I said, I left the key under the mat
sell the house. Wow, And and the kids are I

(34:44):
look in the backseat. The kid's eyes are like this big.
They're like, Dad, what are you doing? And I said, guys,
we're going to have a do over. And they're like, dah,
you're you're too old to have a do over. And
I said, well, here, here's a really important lesson. I said,
every time I learned a lesson I share with my kids.
That was a real big change I think between me
and my parents and me with my own children, and

(35:07):
is born out of out of this this unusual kind
of hardship. I mean, you know, losing Mary. You know,
people are like, you know, how do you talk to
your kids about sacks, about drug about this and that
and everything. It's like everything pales in comparison to you know,
mommy's not coming home. Right. So we we talked about everything,
and and so I told him, I said, here's the deal.
I said, we should always look to make plans in life.

(35:30):
That's a great idea. Make plans. Just know that life
may interject itself and change those plans. And you can
either stay stuck in trying to hold onto something that
isn't going to happen anymore, or you can you can
pivot and go in a different direction. And and that's
what we're doing. You know, we're going to go in

(35:50):
a different direction here. Wow, And uh it was it
was cathartic, you know. And uh and also you're going
into the unknown sea. I'm convinced that I'm convinced that
God has been watching out, uh you know, uh for
for me and for us, uh for for a long
long time. Because you know, remember I told you I
I couldn't quite figure out. I couldn't quite figure out

(36:12):
how to reconcile this, you know. And uh, and I'm
not a burning bush guy. I think God knows that
if he did a burning bush with me, I just
walk around go with God me bush. Uh. You know.
So what it does is is I get I get
God out of people. You know. People will share uh,
their their experience or something with me. And and you know,

(36:33):
I'd gotten the kids all the way out to California
and and so we were around my late wife's family
and h up in northern California, little town called Oakdale,
and uh, trying to figure out what I'm gonna do,
you know, from here. And and in the meantime, I'm still,
you know, at nighttime, because the kids are safe and everything,
I'm going to the casino and having a few pops
and sort of hanging out and socializing and stuff like that. Well,

(36:55):
that problem didn't stay in New York. It came with me,
and uh and all sudden I realized that, you know,
I got my I got my headbed one night and
thank goodness. Uh, you know, I was driving to the
casino when I should not have been driving at all,
and and I drove off the road. I fell asleep
at the wheel. I drove off the road, and they

(37:15):
found me in a ravine. The on Star from the
car actually called. They never would have found me any
other way. And uh, and I remember I remember them
boarding me up out of there and then pass it
back out. I remember the California Higher Patrol and sticking
that thing in my face and going blow and it. It
was so mad at me, and and and then I
realized why he was mad at me, because you know,

(37:37):
because you know, when some clarity return, it is because
how many of me has he seen that's taken out
an entire family? And I thought I've got to do something,
you know. So uh So that was it, you know,
that was that was my moment where I said, Okay,
this this is not working, you know, I mean, I
I just can't do this, and so you know we uh,

(37:59):
I wound up buying a place in h in Albuquerque,
New Mexico, because I'd been there before and the kids
seemed to like it and it was a kind of
a calmer pace, and and you know, we moved in
and we got a dog and and uh and I
remember my daughter going, well, that's it, I guess right then.
And I said, what do you mean? She goes, you know,

(38:19):
the adventure, you know, you know, because now we've got
a new place, and you know, we even got a dog.
And and I said, oh no, I said, you know
when I when I said you know that we're going
on an adventure, I meant for the rest of our lives.

Speaker 1 (38:30):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (38:31):
So's the point is, yeah, it's it's amazing what you learned.
You know, if you can survive the pain, uh, you know,
when you come out the other side, and you should
survive the pain there. You know. You hear people say
it all the time that God won't give you more
than you can handle, and and every one of us
that hears that looks up and goes, how strong do
you think I am? But but it is true, you

(38:54):
know that that you know you've got to look for
silver linings, you know, because some wonderful things will happen
in life, and some happy things will happen in life,
you know, So if you can't figure out how to
look for the you know, silver linings, you're going to
be in real trouble.

Speaker 1 (39:06):
I agree. I mean, I think I think with the journey,
you know, you always have to have hope, you know,
and you wouldn't recognize the good times if you didn't
go through the crappy times in life, you know. I mean,
if everything was always wine and roses, you know, you
just float along not realizing, you know, there's there's a
lot and I think I think we all have those

(39:26):
those burdens and those things that we carry, and you
know a lot of us hide it pretty well, you know,
but it doesn't mean that they're there, or they're you know,
they're any less harmful, you know, But learning learning how
to I guess, you know, I guess they're just life lessons.
I guess the journey, you know, I think life just
keeps handing you things that you have to overcome, you know,

(39:50):
or or problems in your life, and trying to teach
you how to how to overcome them or how to
become the better person that that you're meant to be.
And I think eventually, I think, you know, hopefully you
do recognize that. And it sounds like JD. You know,
you were on the way to figuring things out.

Speaker 2 (40:11):
You know. Here's what I've found is that is that
if it stays in here, and certainly if it stays
in here exclusively, it's incredibly powerful in a negative way.
But as soon as it makes it six inches out
of my mouth, and certainly once it makes it out
to to writing it down on a piece of paper,

(40:32):
that that thing that has been weaponized against me now
also becomes this incredible gift that I can share with
other people. It's it's it frees people up to be
able to say this. And I learned this from a
guy that you know, so again, I got sober back then,
and and I would attend meetings and and you know,
speak at different meetings and things like that. I went

(40:54):
up to I went up to Denver and there was
a whole, big, big, big group of people get together
and everybody introduced themselves where they're all from and everything,
and and I said that I was from Albuquerque. And
guy says, I talk to you about that, you know,
and everything afterwards. And so he came up and he
starts explaining to me how I used to always go
to Albuquerque and it was great and everything's, oh, that's wonderful,
and uh and uh, he goes, well, I, you know,

(41:17):
I stopped going after my wife died. And and again
he doesn't know anything about me, right and uh, and
I'm still the guy who's trying to sort out, you know,
where that fits. And I said, oh, I'm sorry to
hear that, and I meant that, you know, but but
again I'm just listening to the guy. That's usually where
the conversation ends. And this is how I know it's
a god moment, is that he kept going. He said,
he said, you know, I really had a hard time

(41:39):
reconciling the loss of my wife because I couldn't figure
out where this belonged. And I'm like, is this guy?
Is this guy in my head? And and so I'm
now really listening intently, and he said, you know, I
went to my priest, you know, I went to counseling
and went to this, that and the other. He goes, nothing,
I couldn't figure out, you know, where this went. And
he said so finally, you know, one of my friends is,

(42:00):
why don't you try one of those the spiritual retreats,
you know, out on the reservation, out and out in Arizona.
And he's like, I'm not so sure, because yeah, I'm
not so sure I want to do that. You know,
I'm Catholic, you know, and everything. And he does not
he can sit down to try and change your religion
or your beliefs and everything. In fact, all they're going
to do is just like what your beliefs are, They're
going to help you to basically explore deeper into that

(42:20):
and and really open up your relationship with God as
you understand him. And so he did it, and uh,
he said. He gets out there and this guy drives
him out and they get out in like the middle of nowhere,
and he helps him build a fire and get some
supplies together, and he's like, what are we doing. The
guy says, well, you're going to be out here for
eight hours by yourself, and just to make sure you
have all your supplies and everything like that, and be

(42:41):
guy's like, huh, you knows he's joking. Then the guy
and then the guy gets in the truck and drives
off he says. So I'm like, I'm paying for this,
you know. So he said, Okay, I get it, you know,
I'm I'm relieved of distractions. I'm now just going to
have my you know, my peace with you with God said,
so I start praying, you know, and he goes in
realizing mountain in the middle of nowhere, pray out loud.
And he starts praying out loud, and his questions are like,

(43:03):
you know, God, I STI don't understand, you know, understand why,
you know, why you would you know, take her and
everything like that, and he goes on and on he goes,
and he goes. They started to get angry, and I'm
feeling as he's going and the hair standing up put
in the back of my neck as I'm saying this
to you now, but I'm feeling him yeah and uh,
and he goes. He goes. So, now he goes, it's
getting darker and the wind's picking up, and he goes,
now start yelling. He goes God, he goes, how could

(43:24):
you do this to me? And he said and his
voice came back to him, he says, He says, I
heard it, not my ears, but I heard it. And
the boy said, I didn't do this to you. I
did this for her. And the tears are pouring down
my face. And he thinks I'm the most empathetic guy
in the world, and and and and I am. But

(43:46):
but man, oh man, did that hit me right in
the solar plexus as I'd never looked at it from
her perspective? What was it like from Mary's perspective to
live the way she had to live? And and and
also I got the gesture, you know that it was
God going, I know this is terrible for you and
the kids, and I know it hurts, but you're gonna

(44:07):
be okay, and she needs to be here with me.
And so I come home from that and now I'm
talking to the kids and I said, you know, well, Mommy, this,
said Mommy that, and momy the other thing. And they're like,
holy Mackerel's losing it. And they're like that you're you're
talking about mom And I said yeah. And you're not
crying and I said, no, you're you're smiling. I said yeah.
I said, I said I learned something. You want to

(44:28):
know the secret? And they said yeah, And they said, okay,
what if I told you that that you know that
pain that you feel every time you think about mommy.
I said, what if I told you I could take
all that away? Would you want me to do it?
And they said yes? And so I said, okay, what
if I told you the price that you have to
pay for that is I had to take every memory.
You can't remember anything about her like she never existed.

(44:50):
Would you still want to do it? Now? These the
kids were at this point, they were eight and eleven,
so three years later, and they both said no, which
I thought was incredible thing for a kid to be
able to grasp that first of all, but you know, uh,
to trade off and be willing to take the pain,
knowing you know that I want those memories, so you
know Mommy said, So that's the deal, guys, it said.

(45:12):
The thing that I learned today is that absolutely nothing,
nothing here is permanent nothing. What we have is we
have these kind of interactions with each other, and we
have the blessings of the memories of every moment that
we have with it with somebody good and bad that
that we have and uh, and that may be the
only thing we get to take to the other side,

(45:34):
because it isn't about the gold. If it was about
the gold King tut would.

Speaker 1 (45:37):
Have taken his I I gotta tell you, Jady, I
love that explaning. That is so spot on and it's
it's beautiful. Can you talk a little bit about your
your book after the Macros and how that was born? Like,
you know, give me give me an elevator version of
it though, because I want to get to other stuff.

Speaker 2 (45:57):
Before sure, sure, so so again. Uh, you know, what
what I found has happened to me is that you know,
each time, you know, there's some there's some point that
I get to where you know, where a do over
is necessary. Well, those those other points were very acute.
You know. What happened to me was in in August

(46:19):
of twenty three I had a heart attack, got downe
playing pick a ball. I'm coming home and I'm like,
I'm like, man, I got indigestion. I thought, wait a second,
why do I have indigestion over here? You know, even
having the esophac is over here. And boy, man, that
pain went up so much it was just incredible. I
was like, oh shit, you know, I'm having a heart

(46:39):
attack and and it's you know, it's what's taken all
the men in my family, you know, my dad died
a fifty four and most of us die in our fifties,
you know, so middle ages twenty five and so I
remember calling my wife and there was just a couple
of bocks away from the house, and I'm staying in
the right hand lane as I just wonder if I

(47:00):
have to pull over, I will pull over and slam
it into parks so I don't hurt anybody. But she
drove me to the hospital, got in there and they
I'm screaming expletives on my way and then apologizing and
they're like, don't apologize. And they went up through the
Federal Artery and I remember watching on the screen and
as soon as they got in there and opened that vessel,

(47:21):
you see you see the blood come back in. It's like, oh,
wonderful feeling, you know, but which is great. So then
there's there's the euphoria. I remember being in the hospital,
was in the cardiac critical care unit, and uh, and
I'm sitting in there and I've overwhelmed with emotions because
you know, you come this close, you know, as we

(47:42):
talked about it, been to the edge, stood and looked
down and and it's like, oh my gosh, that was
almost it, you know, and and so I'm grateful, flying
on that pink pink cloud and everything. And then seven
months later I had to go back in and get
another stent put in. I'm like, something's not right here.
You know, that's happening too quick, you know. I mean,
I made it sixty years without any problems whatsoever, and

(48:03):
then all of a sudden, pan, bam, it's you know,
it's starting to happen. So, you know, I got right
into cardiac rehab and and and started, you know, getting
myself back into shape. And what they didn't tell me
was be aware that you you know, you may have
you know, some depression that comes out of this. So
you know, my my wife would go to sleep and
be up by myself at night, you know. And I'm

(48:24):
just sitting there thinking about this, and and I'm doing
the worst thing. I'm on my phone. I'm going through
like reels and stuff like that, getting dopamine hits and
all this unnatural stuff, these outside things you know, coming
in and uh. And what I didn't realize is that
I was drifting into a depression. And what was happening
is the little messages started to come in subtle. At first,
you know kind of like, come on, you're done, right,

(48:45):
I mean, having to really accomplish everything that you really
wanted to accomplish. It like, who the hell is that?
That's not me, you know, and uh, and then it
started to start to build into more. You know, I'm
actually having you know, thoughts of how I might you know,
depart and I thought, I got to reach out for
some help. I only had that ability to reach out

(49:06):
for some help because of things that have happened to
me in my life. You know. Uh, you know, uh, you.

Speaker 1 (49:11):
Recognized right well, and you recognize those feelings.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
Too, right, I mean, what if I didn't you know,
what if I hadn't had all this stuff happened to
me in my life? And that's why we lose so
many people. I think that's one of the reasons. You know.
The other is is is that is that while we
have this incredible wealth of technology, uh you know, out
there and incredible resources for for mental health, it tends

(49:34):
to be siloed and just it's it's not quite in
the reach of the person that needs it, and often
it comes down to the person that needs it to
be the one that has to take some action. I thought, well,
that's the weakest link I can possibly think of. You know,
I'm the one that's hurting, and I got to figure
out how to fix this. So after the macros was
after the macros came after I I tried a couple

(49:57):
of different medications and everything like that in the Common
Nation really just did not work for me, and I
went into a spiraled into a manic episode. I've been
maniking my entire life. And I scared the heck out
of my wife, who I can see the look on
her face, and she said, afraid, my god, He's going
to kill himself. And I'm thinking, inside, my god, I'm

(50:18):
going to kill myself, you know, because I was thinking
about so I I went I turned myself in, you know,
I went to the the hospital and I turned myself
in and and uh, you know, it isn't about vanity.
It's not about protecting your vanity. It's about I want
to I want to stay alive. So I remember them saying,
you know, are you having suicidal thoughts? And I said,
I said I am, And they said, well, have you

(50:39):
made a plan? I said, yeah, I made a plan
to come here and talk to you guys. So I
don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, and I I something changed,
you know, I got off of all the different medications
and I and I want to be clear that that
that this is my story. And some people get everything
that they need out of things that are prescribed for them,

(50:59):
and that's awesome. I just have never been good with that.
And for some reason, none of this stuff seemed to
work for me. So I needed something else to be
able to do it. So I got everything cleared out
of me and I had this incredible, you know, aha
moment that it's like, I need to get back to
really where I'm the happiest, and where I'm happiest, it's
certainly not inside my head because if I'm thinking about it,

(51:20):
and that's what it was thinking about, maybe I'm gonna go,
Maybe I'm gonna go. What was that? What was that?
I'm gonna die any second? And if I'm thinking about
me one hundred percent of the time, I'm in a bad,
bad place. So I thought, Okay, I need to wake
up on a daily basis and I need to remember
that that I have a ton to be grateful for.
So so I have a massive gratitude list, a written
gratitude list. You know that I could go to just

(51:41):
in case I forget, and I have to live a
life of service to others. It doesn't mean that I
can't do things, you know, for myself. In fact, that's
part of what I do for myself. My therapy is
getting out of me and getting into you and you know,
and if I do that, those are the days that
that go very well for me. I sleep like a
baby those nights I got. Now, I got to bed.

(52:03):
I got to bed at ten o'clock at night, and
I wake up at six o'clock in the morning. It's
like I haven't had eight hours of sleep on a
regular basis in years. So things have changed. And when
I got out this after the MACROS, was just sort
of ruminating in my head. So it started out as
a stream of consciousness. I just wanted to get it
out of my head. And I don't type fast enough

(52:24):
to keep up with the way that I speak, so
so I literally return on the microphone, you know, on
my phone, open up a Google doc and do voice
to text and just let it go brilliant. And then
and then I thought, well, maybe this is a story
I need to share some people. And so I was
going to try and pull up something out and just
post it on Facebook, you know, in case again looking
to connect. And it was just too big and too unwieldy.

(52:46):
And so I found a novel writing program that you
kind of you can dump your your your your narrative
in there and it'll help you structure it, you know,
us so that it reads reads like a book. And
I was like, well, that's kind of cool. And it
doesn't change what you what you wrote, but it does
help you go, well, what you're saying here actually belongs
here because this is you know, you foreshadow this and

(53:07):
needs to go here. Okay, that's what I was doing.
But great, Yeah, it's really kind of cool. And and
so after the Macros really is just sort of a
it's a it's a sort of an acknowledgement of me
seeing where things are going. And when I heard Zuckerberg
come out just a couple of days ago talking about
where super Ai is going, it's like, my gosh, he

(53:31):
must have read my book now, you know that, you know.

Speaker 1 (53:36):
And after where if people want to read your book
after the Macros, where could they get a copy of it?
Is it available online?

Speaker 2 (53:42):
Yeah? So, uh it's on Amazon KDP. Uh, whatever a
kindled direct publishing or something like that. But if they
just go on Amazon, and if you look up after
the Macros by J. D. Eli, it's there, It's it's
It's also on gum Road. And I wanted to make
sure I got it out there. There's some of the
more indie places too, and and uh and I'll say

(54:04):
this too, and this is important that and I and
I've said it. I am trying to take any proceeds
that I get from after the Macros to help me
continue to build clear com Mind. And because to me,
they they are they belong together, you know. Uh. So
if somebody needs to read that book like I needed
to write it, and and uh and the money is

(54:26):
an issue. I give everybody my my email addresses. It
just send me an email. I'll give you a PDF
of it because it isn't about it isn't about the
money except for that that I would like for it
to help support building ClearCom Mind.

Speaker 1 (54:40):
We'll talk about clear comline and what that is.

Speaker 2 (54:44):
So clear com Mind is what I didn't have. And
uh and so it was something that I'd been done
some consulting work for a company of Australia that was
building a really cool product to try and do some
daily monitoring of how people know, help people are thinking,
what's impacting them. And I said, you know, there's some

(55:05):
pieces I think that are missing, and I was trying
to share with them what I felt was missing. And
you know, I'm usually pretty good at helping people understand
what I'm thinking, but what it didn't really fit into
their model and not saying that this was their their issue.
But a lot of times what happens is that people
get this is my product, and I don't want it
to rub against anybody else's product, and this is my

(55:26):
mind that I don't think that was the case with these people.
That they're really nice people, but they have their own
idea where it's going to go, and so it's presumptuous
of me decide that it should go in a different direction.
I thought, well, okay, maybe I'll go in that direction.
And what I feel is missing and certainly was missing
from me, is is that that this depression didn't pop
up overnight. It's like being attacked by a glacier. You know,

(55:47):
it just keeps creeping towards you and creeping towards you,
and before you know it, it's it's right now long
I was formed by a glacier, It's like, wow, really, yeah,
it didn't go and drop it. It took a while to
get it all there, and so I thought, But so,
there's got to be a way to keep better track
of this on a daily basis and have regular, a
regular structure setup for interventions, because because if you look

(56:10):
at a scale of one to ten, if I'm out
of two and I'm feel a little bit of stress
or something like that, it might just be a simple
pulse that comes out and says, hey, is everything okay?
You know, And if I get up to around a four,
it's starting to really push your suit. Maybe you need
to call whoever I've did, whoever I defined as my
my support. Yes, so you could could be a counselor
could be my uncle Bob, you know whatever, you know,

(56:32):
I mean, whoever you have that's in in that connection.
You get up to around a six, and it's calling
uncle Bob or your counselor and saying or texting him
and say you need to get a hold of them,
because if I get to an eight, that phone weighs
a thousand pounds. I've seen this way too many times.
You know, it's it's like why didn't you? You know,

(56:52):
you know again better than better than most. But you know,
if you see what people write before they before they leave,
you look at it off and go right there, right there,
right there, that's when you could have called, and they
don't because because there's something about it that you just
all of a sudden, the phone is unreachable. You just
can't pick it up anymore. You can't ask for help
at that point, and it's just easier to not be

(57:14):
here anymore. And and that's a tragedy to me. So
so I think that we need to Yeah, I think
that we need to take a look.

Speaker 1 (57:22):
At clear commind. I mean we need that, we need
we need that application. I mean, you need to get
this up and running. And we're running a little bit
out of time. But it's I don't want to ask
you know a couple of things here. You know, you
do have like just a sixty second way for people

(57:43):
who are struggling to kind of you know, you use
this too, like a practice that that you use today,
you know, can you share that with our audience?

Speaker 2 (57:56):
Yeah? So, I mean I try. For me, it's important,
like we wake up every day, my brains already going
ninety thousand miles an hour. So I slide to my knees.
I don't stand up. I stand up, I might actually
start going out and just doing so, I slide to
my knees and I have a conversation with God to
help I ask for God to give me some direction,
help me to understand what it is that I can
do today to be the man that he intended me

(58:17):
to be. And then it's really simple after that, because
then all I really have to do is is as
I get up and I try to do the very
night next thing right in front of me. If there's
a piece of paper on the floor, I pick up
a piece of paper on the floor. It's as simple
as that, you know. I mean, it's like, Okay, it
doesn't belong there, and just move forward. If I do
each of those little steps along the way, what I'm

(58:38):
doing is I'm getting I'm preventing those issues from bubbling
up to the three, four and five levels. I'm getting
them when they're just little tiny weeds, they come out
super easy like this. If I let them get get
rooted and I haven't paid attention to them, pulling up
that weed is like taking a tree out, and I
just I just don't let myself get to that point
there anymore. So I think, you know, that's it, just

(59:00):
trying to trying to think of, you know, what's the
next right thing to do. But clear your mind. You
know That's why I say, clear, calm mind, get yourself
to a place, and I go to the beach. I'll
show videos you know people you know me at the
beach kind of things like you don't have to have
your own beach, create in your head, find your place
and get a get a restart every day, and it's
okay to have a do over.

Speaker 1 (59:21):
JD. You are such a fascinating man. If people want
to reach you through email, how do they do that?

Speaker 2 (59:29):
Uh? So, j D? H E A L Y the
number five and then X at gmail dot com is
the easiest way to do it. And you know.

Speaker 1 (59:40):
I'm for your your endeavor into the the app clear comin.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
So clear commnd yeah, I put, I put. I'm on
gofund me with that because somebody said go on go
fund me, and we're actually building it now. I've hired
my first developer, who is who is working on the
first of fifteen pretty major steps to get this thing going.
But we're going to I'm going to get this done.

(01:00:07):
You know, I've already made up my mind. So I'm
going to get this done one way or another. Yeah.
So yeah, But the but the support is awesome. It's
great if people provide financial support. It's great if people
just say, I don't have any money, but I think
what you're doing is great, because that is that tells
me that I'm on the right track. You know. I've
always got to balance that, you know, because I don't Again,

(01:00:28):
I don't want to be that guy says, well, I
know what's best. People will share with you what they
think will be beneficial, and that's that's really booed me
up to this point.

Speaker 1 (01:00:37):
You know, I wish I could talk to you for hours.
But at this point of the show, I usually close
with a poem for my late son. He was fifteen
when he wrote this poem, and I try and mirror
it to the topic of our conversation. And this poem
is entitled Confused, and I think you'll you'll be able

(01:00:58):
to relate to it. It says I don't know what
to do. My emotions are construed. I can't tell people
tell if people want to be around me or just
want me to buy them food. I know I'm fun
and I think I'm great, but over time am I
too much to take? People have drifted from me and
act like I don't see it, but I do, so

(01:01:21):
why can't they just be rude speak their mind instead
of playing with mine. I'm tired of trying to figure
things out when really all the gossip means nothing. I
love people and I want to be so nice, but
some people hand me the knife. Why has everybody got
to be so confusing, especially those who be using I

(01:01:42):
just want you to know, by constantly refusing, changing your
mind like it goes with the tide, by not communicating
with words but attempting to let your actions be the guide,
that's what makes my brain fried. I'm tired of trying
when people just be flat out lion to my face,
making me feel like a disgrace. Just stop being so fake,

(01:02:05):
Take control of your life. Know what you want, but
don't take too long, because that train waits for nobody,
not even someone in your mental state. And that's my son.
Scott Dansker And just summarizing the thoughts of a fifteen
year old, you passed it almost seventeen years old by suicide,

(01:02:26):
and I can totally relate to your story and it
breaks my heart that there are so much mental struggles
in our world. And I applaud you, j D, for
everything you're doing, and I really hope you get this
app going because I think I think we need this.
I really do. And I can't thank you enough for

(01:02:47):
your time and for sharing your story with our listeners.
And if i'd like to ask our listeners if you'd
like to support JD, that would be so awesome. Send
him an email if you like the show and you'd
like to support the show. We are always looking for
sponsors and donations, and please tune in next week to

(01:03:09):
so os stories of survivors where survival sparks the soul.
Thank you, Thank you, Serena