Social Media and the Special Needs Parenting Journey Part 3

Recorded at Africa Nxt Social Media Week 2022 Landmark Centre Lagos, the hosts share their views on how social media can help and hinder the special needs parenting journey.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
So and that you pray for them, you give them the information that they
need to get, and you stepback. That's how much you can help
them. You can't really help them. Be on that Hello in good afternoon,
Hello, and welcome to Special Mom'sAfrica the Podcast, and this is

(00:24):
real talk on special needs parenting.My name is MC Fatmolu Taiwo, and
I'm your lead host on today's episode. I also have here with me some
very amazing ladies. I have tosay, if you're just joining us for
the first time. Over to myextreme left we have Bucola Indy here,

(00:48):
and to my immediate left we haveTonia for Lugi Okay, that's right.
And to my right here is thevery beautiful for the Sensual Hello, how
are you okay? And just aquick note to our regular listeners, we

(01:11):
may sound a little bit different todaybecause we are coming from the African Next
Podcast stage, which we're very honoredto be on. But we'll speak more
on that a little bit later.Now, just let's get started. I
think one of the things for methat I just want to say, I
mean, everyone is here listening,is also the thing of we're here listening

(01:34):
today. You guys are going togo back to your regular lives, to
your normal lives. But one thing, and I keep saying that, like
I said at the beginning, Ifound that. And I pray that this
will be with this audience as well, that people are kinder. This panel
knows me. I don't really fightfor the children. I can't lie because

(01:56):
I think children have plenty people fightingfor them. Me fright for the parents,
because people forget that their parents atthe back of our beautiful children.
The parents really are the ones thathave to hear the negative remarks. They're
the ones that have to deal withthe horribleness from people. They're the ones

(02:17):
who have to worry about the future. They're the ones who have to worry
what's gonna happen when you know?So I just ask for everyone here,
even if you've never met a specialneeds child or you've never had someone with
special needs before, if you couldjust be one of those people who reach

(02:37):
one and teach one. So bethat person who will be kind to a
parent with special needs, to achild with special needs, and to just
share that message that these are Imean, you've seen us. If you
saw us outside, you'd be like, hey, who are these who beautiful.
I'm not gonna say beautiful kids,but these cool, beautiful you know,
women and everything, not knowing thatthey have child ldren with disabilities.

(03:00):
Right, So I just want usto just be more compassionate and empathies.
All that we actually need. Um. All the therapy and everything really doesn't
work if there's no compassion and thenif there's no empathy. So that's what
I'm really asking for for just compassionand empathy, you know. So thank

(03:21):
you, thank you. That waslovely all right, So I'd like to
open up the floor. I'd liketo open up the floor if you have
any questions, if you're curious aboutanything, we would love to hear.
Please. She was crying with us, so crying I could see her face.

(03:42):
Please tell us your name. Howwhere are you from? Okay?
I love that, santh Good afternoon. My name is Christa Bell and from
my Dow State. I have aniece. So I had a brother actually
who had special needs, but he'slate now peace. Okay, So this

(04:05):
is where it gets okay, okay, special Mom's Africa. The crying department
here to take a breath, Takea breath, thank you. So I
haven't this she has autism and itcan be really hard, you know,

(04:26):
society, church sometimes it's it's horrible, mostly with the Sunday schools. My
question is this, is there likesome kind of policies that the government is
has concerning kids special needs children ineducation, because I have seen sometimes in
classrooms it can be really vile.Even sometimes if a child has a little

(04:48):
starter, they just started to sitdown. So I can't I can't imagine
what children with developmental disabilities have.So that's my question, if okay,
that's okay. So if I mightget your question very well, you want
to know they are policies about childrenwith passions as against discrimination. Okay,

(05:13):
so there are policies of we shouldn'tdiscriminate against them. They have their rights.
You know. I can't tell youthe exact ones right now, it's
from my head. However, wedon't need policies for those. It's just
human kindness. It's just been empathic, it's just been you know, Okay,
let me shock you. I wasa time, you know with that.

(05:34):
I don't want to men. SoI did the research on inclusive education
in the legal state, and Iwent to a public school somewhere in Mushi.
You know where by they said itwas an inclusive school. But when
I got there, you know,the school is you know, all these
two schools in one school. Sothe first school A is like l ship.

(06:00):
So the L is for the neurospicalchildren. They they're not left all
the children with disability that's in generals passy or death. Everybody in side
one class and I think they hadlike those two teachers. Then I went
into that class, it was agrandma that is the caregiver, one single

(06:21):
grandma and I mean grandma. Thenduring the break time because of these children,
some kind of hard people donated toys, you know to the school.
These children don't come out to playwith them. They sit in their classroom
throughout um break time, so theydon't mix at all. Because initially the

(06:45):
mix parst. They're removing their childrenfrom the school because that's usually the number
one issue parents who say how theysay it's in legos. How can my
child, my normal child be ina classes abnormal children, you know,
So the school still losing children.But when the school was now being founded
by a big foundation here in Egeriaand they renovated at the whole school,

(07:10):
they brought back their children now,and I asked the school, how come
we do have some any staff?Was that no body wants to be posted
to that section. A particular Pregnamwas posted to the school and when she
got there she busted into tears andthey asked her why. She said that

(07:30):
they want those children to enter intoher tommy, then she will give it
to an abnormal child. So yousee, we're coming from a deep place
of spiritual and cultural society ignorance andproblems. It's not the governmental, it's
you and nine yeah and the community. So in terms of look generally in

(07:53):
Nigeria, Legal State is doing thebest right. Ministry of Education they have
a special Education Needs head specifically withthe Ministry of Education of Legal State.
They're currently about to start a newbatch of therapies, which is great,
actually trainings with a couple of hundredsof teachers. Great to drop in the
ocean. But it's something so LegalState tends to be far ahead than the

(08:18):
others. However, the issues fallunder you know exactly what you're saying in
terms of treatment, but also thefact that you know qualifications and certifications is
an issue. Someone says they're aspecial education these teachers they're saying co qualified,
but really are they? You know, how do you check? How
do you make sure they're up todate with these qualifications, so that we

(08:43):
have an issue in terms of keepingup with certifications enforcement. And let's not
even talk about private schools, becauseprivate schools operate with impunity, and you
know, we should feel like we'reblessed that they will accept our children.
Parents need to do the work,you know, that's it. At the
end of the day. Government hasto do the work, but government is

(09:05):
made of people. Parents need todo the work. Parents need to talk,
they need to shout, they needto demand what is needed for their
child. And it is difficult,maybe when you don't have a certain amount
of power to be able to dothat. So there are risks that people

(09:26):
do take in speaking up, butfor me, it's worth every risk.
Can I just share? So,Christo Belle, you spoke to a particular
problem that I've faced three times,but one was with a very big church
here in a lucky, very verybig church. I thought to the pastor
fought to everything because there was nowherefor my daughter to be put. So

(09:46):
they would put her in the regularclasses, and of course people would complain.
So I was able to find somevolunteers too, lovely ladies who decided
that they would volunteer in another class, and that that's how the special needs
class started in that church in Englandas well. When we're there, I
would disrupt, so Toya and theother ladies know me. If I don't

(10:09):
have any other way to do,I'm just going to be a problem to
you. So I will sit inthe middle of the church and I will
allow how to do as she lacks. And if you've ever saying an autistic
child have a meltdown, it's notnice, I would leave her in the
middle of church to give them hell. After a while, they decided that

(10:30):
okay, this woman and her problemsare too many, so they took me
upstairs and they found a little place, and guessworks, people started coming out
one by one to say, oh, my child is autistic, and that's
how that little group started. SoI may not have policies or whatever.
What I have is trouble. Sotrouble is another way. And then if

(10:50):
you can find kind and empathic peoplewho will volunteer, so maybe, because
as I said, even if youdon't have training, if you have kindness
and patience. You can help torun those um sectorms. And you know
in where your nieces. So Iwish you all luck. Any more questions?

(11:11):
Okay, so ask your question.Okay, you're doing amazing. Well,
thank you. I've heard a littlebit closer to her mouth. Please,
So how do you deal or adviceparents that are not ready or willing
to accept that? Now? BecauseI have a friend she was teaching a

(11:33):
child, and then from everything shelisted about that child, I could tell
that the child was artistic. However, she tried advising the mom. This
child is six years old, andshe wasn't going to have any of it.
They keep beating the child, andI can imagine the reaction of the
child eventually later, like when shegrows much older, and then the hatred

(11:56):
she might feel towards the mom becauseand then because she has other friends that
she compares, yes, and thenshe's she's just in so much now.
And my friend had to resign.I didn't quit teaching the child because if
she couldn't penetrate the mother, Imean there was just a little she could
do. Yeah, thank you,thank you. Can we get the other

(12:20):
questions first, and then we'll justsort of address that really quickly. Yes,
so, and the lady in blacklady, and I knew I was
waiting for hello everyone. Mine isnot so much of a question as I
as it is a suggestion. Right. Stigmatization is evil. It's a crime

(12:48):
not just against the child, butagainst humanity and God. And you know
us who will stigmatize anybody, anybodyanything? For us growing up, if
a child was autistic nineteenians will beatthe autism health Because our parents didn't know
anything about autism, no idea,so they just knew that this child is

(13:13):
restless, this child through stantrums,I will beat broad day light out of
you. In fact, the autismwill correct by itself. This was us
today. We know what autism is, so when children become in a certain
way, we begin to say,oh, okay, maybe I should run

(13:33):
an evaluation. Maybe I should dothis, maybe I should do that.
I'm thinking sitting down here and askingmyself. I have a lot of friends
growing up who we used to callour bababy. You know what, our
bababy is right, rather than no, I wish it was. It would
have been kind and nice, butwe were cruel. These were kids with

(13:58):
down syndrome aby, and you knowwhen they have a fit, you just
see them go like that. Andfor us as children, we didn't know
what it was, so we calledthem a bababy, right, and this
children grew as a baby. Butwe had adults around us who didn't help

(14:18):
the situation by telling us not tobe that cruel. So brings me back
to what I want to say.I think that all of you who are
strong women, I must say,you're great fighters to have kids with needs
and still be there with them tofight. I think you should do more
than that. Get a few ofus who don't have children like that.

(14:41):
We all have children who have something. It may not be autism, it
may not be done. They mayjust be shs, stubleness. We have
them. They're at home, right. I think you should meet some people,
your friends, who are human beings. Right, See how many people

(15:01):
you can incorporate into this cry.It's a cry for humanity to understand that
these children need to be loved andlooked after. Just try try get as
many people as you've done. Okay, So let all of us fight for
these children, not just you.Let all of us go to the streets

(15:22):
and say, hey, they arenot a bababy, and they're not any
other things too. I've worked ina school where they said it's because I
do drama for re engineering, andI have worked in schools where they say,
oh, these kids have special needs, just that it won't be kind.
The best child that I met inthat school was a special needs child,

(15:46):
and I was shocked the minute togive him his script before you call
like this, he has your lines, his lines, and every other person's
lines. Once you give instructions,his own instruction. In fact, he
became the second director. The onlyproblem I had with him was he was
restless. Right, So the easiestway to cure the restlessness was I gave

(16:10):
him lots of papers and plenty ofcolors. So right, if anybody goes
wrong, mark the person with thered paint. If somebody came and it
kept him really busy. But didhe know what he was required to do?
Yes? He did? And washe brilliant? Extremely brilliant? Was

(16:30):
he problem if you didn't have timefor him? He could have been,
but he was not. Because evenon the day of performance, when the
head of the school said this childis special needs, I frowned. I
was unhappy because I didn't want forparents to know that he was special needs,
but his special needs were special ina kind of way. So I

(16:51):
think you should recruit a whole lotof your friends, all of them.
They're either with you in this fightor they're not your friends. Thank you
so much. So last question fromLady in Black, I am Gemma.
I am going to be asking thequestions from the uncle of marriage that you

(17:12):
talked about. So you I believethe world is changing and everyone is falling
in love with two different people andI don't know them. Just go straight
to the question. Is it's medicallypossible for someone with this special needs to
bring thought offspring without special Yes?Okay, so I think books best to

(17:38):
answer the first one. How doyou approach parents and denial? Okay,
so I'm getting very quick. Youknow you can't love them or that they
love their children. The first thingis you give them the information as much
as you can. Why. Iwill tell you straightforward. They may either
block you, hate you, ordelete your number because and not helping their

(18:00):
positivity. You know, yeah,they're going in the faith rem they don't
want to believe it. So andnow you pray for them, you give
them the information that they need toget and you step back. That's how
much you can help them. Youcan't really help them beyond that. I'm
gonna be a bit cheeky here andask you about either either you or or

(18:22):
baffle you. Kemmy about your yeah, no, no, not about marriage.
Just I know that both of youwent through a period of denial.
So if you want to talk fromthe parents, angle very quickly about going
through denial, okay, in mycase, parents and denial, it's okay.

(18:44):
Let me put it this way.I had a friend that came up
to me and said to me,what are you going to do about Alex?
And I was like what And shewas like, she sat in my
living room, said what are yougoing to do about Alex? I was
like, there's nothing wrong with Alex. And this, by the way,
the doctor has already given me thediagnosis and I've gotten the second confirmation right.
So when she left, the firstthing I did was call my moment.
I was freaking out and I waslike, my friend came and she

(19:06):
said this, and she said this, So myself and my mother we knew
and we had accepted. I didn'tdiscuss it with my husband. I don't
know who else knew. But thething is I had to take time to
sort of grieve for the child Iwas expecting to then come to terms with
the child that I have to thensort of come to terms with what do

(19:26):
I want for my child? Butwhen you're talking about a child it's six
years old, it's a situation wherethat parent needs somebody not to approach her
in a way of I need totalk to you, You need to sit
down this and this is happening.You have to study the person that you're
dealing with to say, how bestdo I approach this person? Because,

(19:48):
for example, if I'm going toapproach Tonier, yeah, I will have
a different way to approaching her thanI would a BAFE camping because they are
two different people. You have tostudy the person that you're dealing with and
basically try and figure out what kindof person that they are and how best
to sort of penetrate their psyche.A lot of parents are expecting when they

(20:14):
give birth to a typical child,when you now hit them with oh,
by the way, and the ladyis a lesson teacher that's supposed to come
and teach the child, and you'renow saying, by the way, there's
something wrong with your child? No, who are you? How dare you?
Nobody in her family has come upto her to say anything. Then
you somebody I'm paying, is nowgoing to come to tell me that there's
something wrong with my child. They'renot going to hear it. You have.

(20:36):
That person has to go to somebodyelse, Find somebody else right that
is close to that woman, totalk to that woman and explain to that
person how they're going to explain tothe woman. That's the way I would
say, you'd approach it after youcan, really quickly, before we gets
actually going to give any answer,because for me, I just think you've
done what you can. You've toldher, and the person just has to

(20:59):
come to them. Some people maynever come to the realization. Some will,
and so it's really for their parentsto be ready because there's you can
take it, WA's out to thestream. It may not drink um.
So I just think it's only loveand compassion and really to have compassion for
the mother or the parents because that'sjust what they need and it's a difficult

(21:21):
reality. So it's just to notbeat her around the head with it,
but just love her and know thatno matter what it is, your child
is perfect, you know, andthey just need to see that. But
it's there's nothing you can do untilthey're ready, all right. So yeah,
that last question on whether people specialneeds can have offspring, Yes,

(21:42):
yes, yes, very much can. Whether it's a cognitive disability of physical
disability, they can have neurotypical children. Take for example, dwarfism. You
can have two dwarfs, right,produce a neurotypical child you can have.

(22:04):
I think the one that went aroundsocial media this past year was of a
doctor whose father has Down syndrome.So it's completely possible. And these are
the narratives that the widest society needsto see because they feel like it's that's
it. They should be neutered.No offspring for you, no marriage for

(22:26):
you. Just block yourself in acorner and die. And that's the opposite
of what we should be saying.So so yes, because short version of
that too, neurotypical parents have achild that has special needs with no anything.
So anything is possible. Anything,And you can love somebody that has

(22:48):
special needs. Don't be scared.You have great babies. Anybody has special
I'm telling you everybody everybody bad andthe one thing that you you everybody should
look at it. Like you said, everybody has special needs. You just
need to go get it checked out, find out what you have, and
deal with it. That's all itis. Okay, everybody, I want

(23:11):
everybody, but I can tell youis this. Let me tell you one
very very very special thing that youshould all know. Special needs children have
feelings just as much as you do. They understand every single thing you are
saying to them about them. Onemay not be able to communicate perfectly,

(23:33):
but you're speaking to them. Theysent your energy, they sent your vibe.
If you don't like them, theydon't like you back. If you're
feeling the love towards them, theygive you the warmest and most special hugs.
I tell you this is the veryshort story, but it's very quick.
Sorry. So I'm at the station. There's a guy. He's a
quadriplegic because that what you say.He can't move his hands, he can't

(23:56):
speak or anything, but he hasa little computer on his screen that talks.
So my friend and I are walkingback. As you can see,
we're very convicious women, and allof a sudden, the computer stars sho
say oh, sexy lady, sexylady. So I'm thinking to myself,
Wait, he can't speak, hecan't, but his brain is working,
its working, and his humanness isworking. I think that's when I knew

(24:19):
that vegetable or whatever. We thinkthey have minds, feelings, thoughts.
So compassion and empathy again is avery very big thing. All right,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you somuch for being with us here today.
So first of all, we justlike to say big thank you to Marco
host here today, day Tonia forLugi and you have to say her name

(24:48):
like that. My name is mcvati. Where we are Special Mum's Africa,
and please follow us on social media. This is actually our last episode.
Please look out for all our previousepisodes on Africa Business Radio, the
app or wherever you get your podcastfrom. Please do not forget to subscribe,

(25:10):
like and share you know what todo. Okay, and thank you
very very very much for listening tous, and again listen to your episodes,
cry, share you know and oneanother and please be kind to each
other than Thank you so much toAfrica next for having a I'm Toya Fai.

(25:42):
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(26:02):
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