March 9, 2023 • 21 mins
We’ve heard a lot about mums so far in the series, but what about the guys? Welcome to the “Daddy Edition”, our juicy bonus episode where we explore what it’s really like for dads going through the special needs parenting journey.
Recorded live at Africa NXT 2023, join Paul Okeugo, Obinna Okerekeocha, Remi Olutimayin and Tonye Faloughi-Ekezie as they delve into the topic from the male perspective.
In Part 2 we look at stereotypes of what it means to be a man. How does the special needs parenting journey affects relationships and marriage?
Recorded live at Africa NXT 2023, join Paul Okeugo, Obinna Okerekeocha, Remi Olutimayin and Tonye Faloughi-Ekezie as they delve into the topic from the male perspective.
In Part 2 we look at stereotypes of what it means to be a man. How does the special needs parenting journey affects relationships and marriage?
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Welcome to Special Mom's Africa Real Talkon special needs parenting, and it's part
two of our bonus episode titled TheDaddy Edition. Enjoy. So you've hit
(00:26):
on something really really interesting, whichis that aspect of vulnerability now culturally here
in the culture that we're at,vulnerability is associated with femininity. Right.
It is. Sure you are beingput in a position where you know your
(00:51):
diagnosis, but you want to getan official written documents. It will help
you. There are reasons why youwant to do it. But here because
you hear all abroad or you know, Chris Rock just got his diagnosis last
year. Yeah, so there areadults who have realized that they may be
(01:12):
on the spectrum and grow and seekhealth. Yeah, but here we're still
dealing with a system that is onlyreally diagnosing children, right, and putting
questions to grown man or grown manlike yourself who's forty four, that really,
if they read through that, anybodywill common sense will say, these
(01:34):
are not really the appropriate questions forthis stage in a person's life. You
still went through it, you stillput yourself through it. How do you
reconcile that? Do you reconcile it? The thing that I've come to accent.
(01:56):
Is that until it's actually an interestin the medical field, nobody cares.
So, you know, don't Idon't wholly torch for help here.
If I get the right help,fine, Interesting. I think we miss
a lot with early intervention when peopletalk about earlier intervention. Now I really
(02:17):
understand it quite because when you're talking, I remember so again, when I
was at Emory with my with myson, the guy who would professor Maury
I think his name was Michael Murray. He's a professor of behavioral whatever's seventeen
thousand degrees and he's an autism guy, right, So he's the one that
sawd my son, right. Andwhile he was doing that, he started
asking me all these questions about mychildhood. And as he was talking,
(02:42):
I just realized that, hey,I could have been my son at a
young age, because a lot ofthings that happened to me growing up began
to make sense, you know.And there's several things that it was called
when I was young, you know. I how I started, I stam
out right, and it was verybad when I was young, Like once
there was one person in the room. Sometimes like I couldn't speak with one
person, like it took me yearsof and I'm a sales guy. You
(03:05):
said, this is quite funnier.I'd be like when I heard that,
you were like a director of animation, and I'm like, this is weird.
Right, we are doing jobs thathave to do with sort of people.
But when I was young, Icouldn't start to have people in the
room because I couldn't talk. Andthen that came with a very serious temper,
Like my temper was less injury.I was like in fights, Like
my body is full of scars fromfights. I mean, I was,
(03:28):
so my temper is really bad,right, it was because now my wife
can tell you I'm changed, honestly. But and then my mom was someone
who was in special education, butshe couldn't like she always used to tell
me, hey, look, youknow, you just have this temper that
you have to manage. Just havethis. And then I was, you
know, I wouldn't play with mypeers. I spent most of my time
reading. So I mean that sometimeswhen when my wife met me, there's
(03:51):
times that I hadn't left my housein it three months a year, like
the time when I was in aparticular space in my house for one year.
Right, my hair grew out.I had a big beard and I
thought it was number but other peopledidn't. Right, So I'm a sort
of like a weird guy. Andbecause as I got older, I was
able to find methods to function.But you know, those who are close
(04:15):
to me know that I've also struggledto just make friends or just be understood,
like i'man you know, like evennow, people still find me quite
forced when i'm you know, Ihear comments. You know, one of
my neighbors is here like I'm abig you know, Paul is very blunt,
Paul is very direct. Paul,you know, I always get these
things that make it seem as seeif I'm some kind of difficult guy to
(04:36):
get along with, which I reallyI'm not. Right, So I feel
that if I had had some earlyintervention when I was younger, because it's
a little late, and I thinkI appreciate what you were saying. It's
a little late now start asking somequestions like it's over, like I mean
(04:57):
that that pretty or bed. Iwas young when I was able to be
vulnerable. I think I've lost thatpart of my life where you know,
there's an age, there's different levelsof vulnerability. That you can accept with
age. Like when you're younger,you're more trusting, so you will go
to your mom even after actually beatyou, right, that that kind of
thing. But as you grow older, you begin to get a little more
said. So I really feel forpeople who are adults struggling with autism who
(05:24):
haven't had that early because in manycases it's it's too late to pull back
the clock on some particular things andyou just have to live with it.
I don't know if you know whatI'm saying. There's an older kind of
mine, much much older who hewas the first person I actually opened up
to. This was about ten yearsago, as I was telling him about
you know, I've been reading psychologybooks. I'm trying to figure out what
(05:45):
is what the thing is going aslike I don't really I then explained the
thought process to him and how Iput your thought process and how I They
started laughing and like, you're psychoanalyzingyourself Like what so, yeah, you
are actively measuring your response, yourinterpretation. You people don't really do that.
We don't think it through. Wejust the thing for me is that
(06:10):
i'd actually seen people who I nobodyjust answer that one or ask question.
When it comes to vulnerability, there'sa ready violence in me. It's ready,
none of us here, it's ready. But I had to culture it.
I had to culture it. Andit's not so much physical violence.
(06:32):
My mouth can be very sharp.I've blunted it over the years, but
Mark really really really and I believesome people so bad, you know.
But the thing is that the i'dcome across, well, we can identify
each other as we just we justsay all okay, yeah, and it's
(06:56):
like it's don't want know, We'rejust okay, you know, and we
tend to feel very safe once,you know, like they're like one or
two of the because yeah, yeah, you know that no matter what happens,
they will understand what where you're comingfrom. They understand what. So
two things there's two things that I'vepicked up on here. We'll being now
(07:17):
started with it. And the twoof you also mentioned it was the lack
of should we just be nice andsay, lack of understanding from the medical
arena. I think you're being toonice. I'm being very good, you
know. The first time I cameto the Special Man's podcast, I was
talking about kids that they removed fromcirculation because they were too vulnerable. You
(07:41):
know, there's a way you're supposedto behave and if that is even what's
led to my strength in voice directing. There's a way that you're supposed to
sound and if you don't sound thatway, but that's the way that you're
meant to be right. So hadseveral stories from others in that they were
(08:03):
the doctors getting the diagnosis. They'rethere with the other half. The other
half is present, and the medicalpersonnel say to the dad, oh,
don't worry, it's it's not yourproblem. But you're there with your other
half. Or you know, anotherstory is that you the dad took it
hard. Nothing, it's the motherwill deal with it. I have enlisted
(08:28):
my head of people that I metthrough primary school, secondary school, university,
even at work who I got thevibe from, but I didn't know
how to help them. I didn'tknow how to help them. There will
be times you recognize that it issocial bullying. This, this kind of
(08:50):
attitude is a form of social bullying. No, no, it's like,
no, you see actual active socialbullying. They are we do framing question
that either way, if you don'thave that violence and YouTube, just walk
away. You're just trying to bepolite, but there's no good answer.
You still look like an idiot,you know, And because the stereotype is
(09:13):
right. So I come from itfrom the mom's angle. We it's a
special Mom's Africa podcast because I'm amom. That's how I got into it.
Child had diagnosis. I was ableto build a community, find people
to talk to. But the constanttheme or constant question is that your husband
is still there, he didn't goanyway, that the men don't stay.
(09:33):
Yeah, that's not fair, firstof all. So there's a few concepts
that I wanted to learn. Thefirst one I think we mentioned about medical
again. I said, I thinkyou're being too kind. I think there's
a difference between not having an interestand being totally incompetent, which I find
(09:54):
is the case in Nigeria. AndI'm just gonna be honest, like,
we don't have any incompetent competence inthat area, and that could be a
direct result of the cultural issue.But I don't think that's that's an excuse.
Even at the very listen, wehardly even have healthcare for people who
are normal, right, that's alreadya problem. But you know, they
(10:15):
want before you start talking about peoplewho have new speciality. So let's be
realistic. My son doesn't have aone doctor who he sees. We don't
have a family doctor who understands autism. Every time we go to the place
because autism. There's the time whenmy kid was I went to this new
hospital in Lucky. We were supposedto be all this this new shiny place
that they just built a kind ofyou know, ever care, And so
(10:37):
my son was having a big oneof a bit of an episode because my
son also has epilepsy as well,so alsos an epilepsy and once in a
while you have a seizure which youmanage with drugs, and then those drugs
now because we'd gained it's a wholething, and we went there and we
were kept in the lobby for anhour. It was until I started making
noise. And then even when Istarted making noise, it wasn't really a
(11:01):
thing. Well, this guy justmaking noise. But then when they realize,
oh, this guy knows celebrities,then all of a sudden, somebody
from you know, and then wewent back there again. So that's one
thing that's a whole new podcast thatI was gonna be we're gonna address that
issue, like someone needs to evenone doctor or two doctors who are actually
but there are a few, tobe fair, who are actually going to
(11:22):
sort out the medical side, becausethere's a medical side to autism that we
have to look at the actual medicalpart before we start talking about the you
know, the behavioral So that's thefirst thing I'll say. The second thing
I'll say is I think it's menand women are different. We have to
make that clap. Men and womenare different these days. If you go
online, they will tell you it'snot so. But another podcast, men
(11:43):
and we men are different, right, and we respond differently to different situations,
right. We have different ways ofassimulating information, different way of sort
of organizing it in our heads,a different way of you know, now
executing an action plan. And youknow, the perception that men are uh
you know, I would say men, the men are even more afraid.
(12:03):
Like if you look at it froma cultural point of view, when a
father gets a diagnosis about his son, especially if he's a son or or
it's even worse if he's a daughter, Like it's my son. For me,
if it was my daughter, Idon't know what I would do.
You know, I would be distraught, you know, you know what I
mean, because it's my daughter,right, But because men socially an expected
(12:24):
to break down. You know,when you're in that hospital and the doctor
tells you the news and you startcrying there, they'll say, like,
you know, hold yourself together,So that immediate reaction. I think the
women are more fortunate because they're ableto express an emotes and it's normal and
people sort of help them and comfortthem and oh my dam you know,
we're so sorry, like they havethat. They're fortunate in that sense.
(12:48):
For me, when I'm in thepublic place and sometimes your son is a
crying, they'll be like that familyis in trouble, that guys are gonna
be able to sort this thing out. You know, he's gonna be there.
So I think it's a little bitwe have to look to get it
differently. However, women will flurry, they will flurry, right, It's
what they're beautiful. They're nurturing,the sort of nurture and they're automatically designed
(13:11):
to care more about people while mencare more about things. Right, So
you know, women will flurry,they will run around, they will start,
you know, putting things together.They will you go here and go
there. Men are more likely tosay, you know what what I mean.
For example, when I got myson's diagnosism, the thing in my
head was, how do I changethe house so the house is a safe
(13:33):
space. I'm thinking about all thesharp corners that are in the house,
blunting them and buying all these tocome up with my keya, you know,
removing electrical things, covering because nowthat the boy has autism, I'm
thinking about physical safety. That's theway my mind is going. My wife
was more like, oh, youknow, let's get the food, let's
get the therapy. She's more so. That's why it's it's a team,
because I mean, I'll share astory with you, guys. I was
(13:56):
at a conference in Berlin or somethingone time. Man, when I was
leaving the house, I told mywife, Hey, there's a crack on
the floor. There's a little bitof the tie had broken, and you
know, so there's a bit ofa sharp edge. And I said,
hey, Buzzy, that's my wife'snickname. Nobody's called a buzzy. Please
accept me. I said, there'sthis crack on the floor, called this
guy to take care of it todaybecause if something could go wrong, and
(14:18):
said, okay, I'll do it. I traveled bro. While I was
in the conference, myfe told meproblem or sent me a picture. Right,
my son had fallen in just likeI said, Just like I said,
he'd fallen on nothing and cut hisknee open from here to here,
like his knee was like gaping right. And when she sent me the picture,
(14:43):
I lost my entire mind. LikeI lost my mind. I told
the guys, I have to leave. I can't stay at this conference.
I can't sol the conference. Ibooked the flag that night and then I
started flying back to Niger. WhileI was flying back, they went in
hospital, you know, trying toget the boy. You know, the
boy doesn't feel pain like that,like they're showing up the guy's leg.
And so when I got back,I'm talking to my wife and like us,
(15:05):
like I said, this would happenme. But then I can't be
hungry because the things that she's worriedabout are also very important. Like the
things that she's worried about. Soif you get into that whole game of
what was the mom doing or whatwas the dad doing, it's always going
to cause conflict. They are bothequally important, they both serve a specific
purpose. I think men should dowhat men do best and figure out how
(15:28):
to fix the things. But thenthen imagine single moms who single moms who
are going through this. It's hellLike we had a friend. So my
wife has all these friends who callher the lady who got married and had
a kid. The kid is autistic, and the guy leaves right and remember
the guy just leaves and she's comeback to Nurla, just her and this
(15:50):
boy, and it's hell like it'shell because she can't figure out the thing
side of it. She can bethere for her son, but she can't
figure out the things moving there,moving the count. These are only important
things that So I think I justwanted to to say that, you know,
we should approach that with balance becausemen and women are are different and
perform different functions. Yeah, soI mean just to sort of talk on
(16:15):
what you know, the gentlemen havebeen saying. I think that the cultural
side of things plays a very verykey role in first of all, not
allowing people face the problem. Likewhat am I saying? People who are
from you know, lower economic spectrumsor you know, society, there are
lots of kids that have these problemsautism, name it down syndrome, and
(16:38):
they just, like you said,the pretty matter of seculation, and they're
just I remember growing up, youknow, going to some people's houses and
you thought, okay, you'rely threekids, at least the three kids.
Then you're going and there's this one. We saw a lot, there's a
change on the you know. Andwith a change, Yeah, we've seen
a family where the girl was changed. When people came to the house,
(16:59):
there were tie her to so peoplecouldn't see that they had a childhood,
you know. And the funny thingis this particular one was I was working.
I was working like my first job, so you know, I was
working in agency, and I wentto see one of my bosses, you
know, and got into the houseand there was this girl, you know,
very big, you know in termsof size, and you could tell
that, oh, was not well, and she never came out of the
(17:22):
house. So you find that it'sit's only people who, I think,
for economic reasons, who have thecapital and the wherewithal to actually try and
find a solution. So until wesort of and that's why we were talking
about you know, you know,finding the right expertise from a medical point
of view, and also educating peopleabout Okay, this is not a death
sentence. Okay, yes, it'sa bit of a challenge, but you
can manage it. So I thinkthat at a real mounting to climb from
(17:45):
the cultural perspective, you know.And then so you touched on something that's
really important, teamwork between the motherand the father. Like we decided that
for Jason it's going to be nine. We said we would not take him
to any specialist school. But thefunny thing is, like I said,
you have to really look well tonotice that anything is wrong. But even
though he has a little bit ofdelayed speech and stuff like that, you
(18:06):
know, but we said we wouldintegrate him with regular kids, and we're
not going to make it look asif he's an they're any think special you
know. And it's worked. Youknow. Yes, he's had to maybe
repeat one or two classes, buthe's catching on. He can express himself,
he can talk, he can youknow, he can, he understands
back. He's the most willing tohelp in the house. You know,
(18:26):
we come back, everybody rushes outa half four songs. Anyway, so
he rushes four songs. The lasttwo are twins, And so it's a
bit of a shocker when I saythat. You know, so he so
he's really he's always willing to help. You know, he comes out,
he's the one who wants to carrythe stuff you've brought back from work and
stuff like that. So I'm justhappy that he's will integrate that. But
(18:47):
we have to be deliberate about itand say, you know what, we're
not going to keep this kid.He's not going to be in some work.
He's going to go to school withhis brother. He's going to do
subjects like everybody else. Learn math, learn English, and learn all that
stuff. And that's how it's workedfor itself. Yeah, sports do sports.
I bet he plays. He's agoal keep. He elects to go
keeps. We play for Posson.Yeah, you know, we've had some
(19:07):
really good nuggets. You know,you have to be deliberate about it to
approach with balance. Sons judge theirfathers till they understand them. Like some
great nuggets, but they're still madnessgoing on out there, right, even
I hear where things, you know, so you're still getting the thing.
It's like Okay, is a wife. Maybe she gets another wife. You
(19:32):
know that someone did a curse onyou. They don't want that child in
church. And you may think thisis only limited to a certain socio economic
class. It isn't cut across.I mean I can tell you myself,
it isn't. How you know,do you deal with that? Yeah?
What else is? Because they'll tellyou to go and find another wife.
(19:56):
That is your wife. So letme let me start by saying this.
When you are making the vow,it's for better, for worse, and
the worst may not necessarily be aboutwhat happens to you, happen what happens
to your offspring. And the truthis, this is the bitter truth.
You know. That is what lovingsomebody is about at the end of the
day. So if if the adversitycomes, and that's why I tell people
(20:18):
when when people are about to getmarried, I said, I say to
them, this face is great,right, this is you know, when
everything is flowery, it's great.You know, you're you're in a good
place, you're gating and all that, and you want to get married,
you know, but when you crossthat up become Once you cross that line,
you're married. Now you face thereality of life. That is when
the relationship starts. That's when youand and part of it is let's tell
(20:41):
people, look your your your yourchallenges may not start immediately, but you
could start when you have a kid. You have a kid that you have
problems. That is what it's about. So in the first place, if
anybody leaves, you know, likelike the example poor gave, like somebody
you know they had a child's autisticand then there was never love in the
first place. I'm sorry, butthat's what it is. You've been listening
(21:10):
to Special Moms Africa Real Talk onspecial needs parenting with Myself twenty if I
look Aks and our Wonderful Daddies onthis bonus episode, the Daddy Edition.
There's still more to come, solisten out look out for part three,
and of course you can follow uson social media at Simons Oasis and at
(21:32):
Special Moms Africa. Keep listening,look Out, Enjoy,
Welcome to Special Mom's Africa Real Talkon special needs parenting, and it's part
two of our bonus episode titled TheDaddy Edition. Enjoy. So you've hit
(00:26):
on something really really interesting, whichis that aspect of vulnerability now culturally here
in the culture that we're at,vulnerability is associated with femininity. Right.
It is. Sure you are beingput in a position where you know your
(00:51):
diagnosis, but you want to getan official written documents. It will help
you. There are reasons why youwant to do it. But here because
you hear all abroad or you know, Chris Rock just got his diagnosis last
year. Yeah, so there areadults who have realized that they may be
(01:12):
on the spectrum and grow and seekhealth. Yeah, but here we're still
dealing with a system that is onlyreally diagnosing children, right, and putting
questions to grown man or grown manlike yourself who's forty four, that really,
if they read through that, anybodywill common sense will say, these
(01:34):
are not really the appropriate questions forthis stage in a person's life. You
still went through it, you stillput yourself through it. How do you
reconcile that? Do you reconcile it? The thing that I've come to accent.
(01:56):
Is that until it's actually an interestin the medical field, nobody cares.
So, you know, don't Idon't wholly torch for help here.
If I get the right help,fine, Interesting. I think we miss
a lot with early intervention when peopletalk about earlier intervention. Now I really
(02:17):
understand it quite because when you're talking, I remember so again, when I
was at Emory with my with myson, the guy who would professor Maury
I think his name was Michael Murray. He's a professor of behavioral whatever's seventeen
thousand degrees and he's an autism guy, right, So he's the one that
sawd my son, right. Andwhile he was doing that, he started
asking me all these questions about mychildhood. And as he was talking,
(02:42):
I just realized that, hey,I could have been my son at a
young age, because a lot ofthings that happened to me growing up began
to make sense, you know.And there's several things that it was called
when I was young, you know. I how I started, I stam
out right, and it was verybad when I was young, Like once
there was one person in the room. Sometimes like I couldn't speak with one
person, like it took me yearsof and I'm a sales guy. You
(03:05):
said, this is quite funnier.I'd be like when I heard that,
you were like a director of animation, and I'm like, this is weird.
Right, we are doing jobs thathave to do with sort of people.
But when I was young, Icouldn't start to have people in the
room because I couldn't talk. Andthen that came with a very serious temper,
Like my temper was less injury.I was like in fights, Like
my body is full of scars fromfights. I mean, I was,
(03:28):
so my temper is really bad,right, it was because now my wife
can tell you I'm changed, honestly. But and then my mom was someone
who was in special education, butshe couldn't like she always used to tell
me, hey, look, youknow, you just have this temper that
you have to manage. Just havethis. And then I was, you
know, I wouldn't play with mypeers. I spent most of my time
reading. So I mean that sometimeswhen when my wife met me, there's
(03:51):
times that I hadn't left my housein it three months a year, like
the time when I was in aparticular space in my house for one year.
Right, my hair grew out.I had a big beard and I
thought it was number but other peopledidn't. Right, So I'm a sort
of like a weird guy. Andbecause as I got older, I was
able to find methods to function.But you know, those who are close
(04:15):
to me know that I've also struggledto just make friends or just be understood,
like i'man you know, like evennow, people still find me quite
forced when i'm you know, Ihear comments. You know, one of
my neighbors is here like I'm abig you know, Paul is very blunt,
Paul is very direct. Paul,you know, I always get these
things that make it seem as seeif I'm some kind of difficult guy to
(04:36):
get along with, which I reallyI'm not. Right, So I feel
that if I had had some earlyintervention when I was younger, because it's
a little late, and I thinkI appreciate what you were saying. It's
a little late now start asking somequestions like it's over, like I mean
(04:57):
that that pretty or bed. Iwas young when I was able to be
vulnerable. I think I've lost thatpart of my life where you know,
there's an age, there's different levelsof vulnerability. That you can accept with
age. Like when you're younger,you're more trusting, so you will go
to your mom even after actually beatyou, right, that that kind of
thing. But as you grow older, you begin to get a little more
said. So I really feel forpeople who are adults struggling with autism who
(05:24):
haven't had that early because in manycases it's it's too late to pull back
the clock on some particular things andyou just have to live with it.
I don't know if you know whatI'm saying. There's an older kind of
mine, much much older who hewas the first person I actually opened up
to. This was about ten yearsago, as I was telling him about
you know, I've been reading psychologybooks. I'm trying to figure out what
(05:45):
is what the thing is going aslike I don't really I then explained the
thought process to him and how Iput your thought process and how I They
started laughing and like, you're psychoanalyzingyourself Like what so, yeah, you
are actively measuring your response, yourinterpretation. You people don't really do that.
We don't think it through. Wejust the thing for me is that
(06:10):
i'd actually seen people who I nobodyjust answer that one or ask question.
When it comes to vulnerability, there'sa ready violence in me. It's ready,
none of us here, it's ready. But I had to culture it.
I had to culture it. Andit's not so much physical violence.
(06:32):
My mouth can be very sharp.I've blunted it over the years, but
Mark really really really and I believesome people so bad, you know.
But the thing is that the i'dcome across, well, we can identify
each other as we just we justsay all okay, yeah, and it's
(06:56):
like it's don't want know, We'rejust okay, you know, and we
tend to feel very safe once,you know, like they're like one or
two of the because yeah, yeah, you know that no matter what happens,
they will understand what where you're comingfrom. They understand what. So
two things there's two things that I'vepicked up on here. We'll being now
(07:17):
started with it. And the twoof you also mentioned it was the lack
of should we just be nice andsay, lack of understanding from the medical
arena. I think you're being toonice. I'm being very good, you
know. The first time I cameto the Special Man's podcast, I was
talking about kids that they removed fromcirculation because they were too vulnerable. You
(07:41):
know, there's a way you're supposedto behave and if that is even what's
led to my strength in voice directing. There's a way that you're supposed to
sound and if you don't sound thatway, but that's the way that you're
meant to be right. So hadseveral stories from others in that they were
(08:03):
the doctors getting the diagnosis. They'rethere with the other half. The other
half is present, and the medicalpersonnel say to the dad, oh,
don't worry, it's it's not yourproblem. But you're there with your other
half. Or you know, anotherstory is that you the dad took it
hard. Nothing, it's the motherwill deal with it. I have enlisted
(08:28):
my head of people that I metthrough primary school, secondary school, university,
even at work who I got thevibe from, but I didn't know
how to help them. I didn'tknow how to help them. There will
be times you recognize that it issocial bullying. This, this kind of
(08:50):
attitude is a form of social bullying. No, no, it's like,
no, you see actual active socialbullying. They are we do framing question
that either way, if you don'thave that violence and YouTube, just walk
away. You're just trying to bepolite, but there's no good answer.
You still look like an idiot,you know, And because the stereotype is
(09:13):
right. So I come from itfrom the mom's angle. We it's a
special Mom's Africa podcast because I'm amom. That's how I got into it.
Child had diagnosis. I was ableto build a community, find people
to talk to. But the constanttheme or constant question is that your husband
is still there, he didn't goanyway, that the men don't stay.
(09:33):
Yeah, that's not fair, firstof all. So there's a few concepts
that I wanted to learn. Thefirst one I think we mentioned about medical
again. I said, I thinkyou're being too kind. I think there's
a difference between not having an interestand being totally incompetent, which I find
(09:54):
is the case in Nigeria. AndI'm just gonna be honest, like,
we don't have any incompetent competence inthat area, and that could be a
direct result of the cultural issue.But I don't think that's that's an excuse.
Even at the very listen, wehardly even have healthcare for people who
are normal, right, that's alreadya problem. But you know, they
(10:15):
want before you start talking about peoplewho have new speciality. So let's be
realistic. My son doesn't have aone doctor who he sees. We don't
have a family doctor who understands autism. Every time we go to the place
because autism. There's the time whenmy kid was I went to this new
hospital in Lucky. We were supposedto be all this this new shiny place
that they just built a kind ofyou know, ever care, And so
(10:37):
my son was having a big oneof a bit of an episode because my
son also has epilepsy as well,so alsos an epilepsy and once in a
while you have a seizure which youmanage with drugs, and then those drugs
now because we'd gained it's a wholething, and we went there and we
were kept in the lobby for anhour. It was until I started making
noise. And then even when Istarted making noise, it wasn't really a
(11:01):
thing. Well, this guy justmaking noise. But then when they realize,
oh, this guy knows celebrities,then all of a sudden, somebody
from you know, and then wewent back there again. So that's one
thing that's a whole new podcast thatI was gonna be we're gonna address that
issue, like someone needs to evenone doctor or two doctors who are actually
but there are a few, tobe fair, who are actually going to
(11:22):
sort out the medical side, becausethere's a medical side to autism that we
have to look at the actual medicalpart before we start talking about the you
know, the behavioral So that's thefirst thing I'll say. The second thing
I'll say is I think it's menand women are different. We have to
make that clap. Men and womenare different these days. If you go
online, they will tell you it'snot so. But another podcast, men
(11:43):
and we men are different, right, and we respond differently to different situations,
right. We have different ways ofassimulating information, different way of sort
of organizing it in our heads,a different way of you know, now
executing an action plan. And youknow, the perception that men are uh
you know, I would say men, the men are even more afraid.
(12:03):
Like if you look at it froma cultural point of view, when a
father gets a diagnosis about his son, especially if he's a son or or
it's even worse if he's a daughter, Like it's my son. For me,
if it was my daughter, Idon't know what I would do.
You know, I would be distraught, you know, you know what I
mean, because it's my daughter,right, But because men socially an expected
(12:24):
to break down. You know,when you're in that hospital and the doctor
tells you the news and you startcrying there, they'll say, like,
you know, hold yourself together,So that immediate reaction. I think the
women are more fortunate because they're ableto express an emotes and it's normal and
people sort of help them and comfortthem and oh my dam you know,
we're so sorry, like they havethat. They're fortunate in that sense.
(12:48):
For me, when I'm in thepublic place and sometimes your son is a
crying, they'll be like that familyis in trouble, that guys are gonna
be able to sort this thing out. You know, he's gonna be there.
So I think it's a little bitwe have to look to get it
differently. However, women will flurry, they will flurry, right, It's
what they're beautiful. They're nurturing,the sort of nurture and they're automatically designed
(13:11):
to care more about people while mencare more about things. Right, So
you know, women will flurry,they will run around, they will start,
you know, putting things together.They will you go here and go
there. Men are more likely tosay, you know what what I mean.
For example, when I got myson's diagnosism, the thing in my
head was, how do I changethe house so the house is a safe
(13:33):
space. I'm thinking about all thesharp corners that are in the house,
blunting them and buying all these tocome up with my keya, you know,
removing electrical things, covering because nowthat the boy has autism, I'm
thinking about physical safety. That's theway my mind is going. My wife
was more like, oh, youknow, let's get the food, let's
get the therapy. She's more so. That's why it's it's a team,
because I mean, I'll share astory with you, guys. I was
(13:56):
at a conference in Berlin or somethingone time. Man, when I was
leaving the house, I told mywife, Hey, there's a crack on
the floor. There's a little bitof the tie had broken, and you
know, so there's a bit ofa sharp edge. And I said,
hey, Buzzy, that's my wife'snickname. Nobody's called a buzzy. Please
accept me. I said, there'sthis crack on the floor, called this
guy to take care of it todaybecause if something could go wrong, and
(14:18):
said, okay, I'll do it. I traveled bro. While I was
in the conference, myfe told meproblem or sent me a picture. Right,
my son had fallen in just likeI said, Just like I said,
he'd fallen on nothing and cut hisknee open from here to here,
like his knee was like gaping right. And when she sent me the picture,
(14:43):
I lost my entire mind. LikeI lost my mind. I told
the guys, I have to leave. I can't stay at this conference.
I can't sol the conference. Ibooked the flag that night and then I
started flying back to Niger. WhileI was flying back, they went in
hospital, you know, trying toget the boy. You know, the
boy doesn't feel pain like that,like they're showing up the guy's leg.
And so when I got back,I'm talking to my wife and like us,
(15:05):
like I said, this would happenme. But then I can't be
hungry because the things that she's worriedabout are also very important. Like the
things that she's worried about. Soif you get into that whole game of
what was the mom doing or whatwas the dad doing, it's always going
to cause conflict. They are bothequally important, they both serve a specific
purpose. I think men should dowhat men do best and figure out how
(15:28):
to fix the things. But thenthen imagine single moms who single moms who
are going through this. It's hellLike we had a friend. So my
wife has all these friends who callher the lady who got married and had
a kid. The kid is autistic, and the guy leaves right and remember
the guy just leaves and she's comeback to Nurla, just her and this
(15:50):
boy, and it's hell like it'shell because she can't figure out the thing
side of it. She can bethere for her son, but she can't
figure out the things moving there,moving the count. These are only important
things that So I think I justwanted to to say that, you know,
we should approach that with balance becausemen and women are are different and
perform different functions. Yeah, soI mean just to sort of talk on
(16:15):
what you know, the gentlemen havebeen saying. I think that the cultural
side of things plays a very verykey role in first of all, not
allowing people face the problem. Likewhat am I saying? People who are
from you know, lower economic spectrumsor you know, society, there are
lots of kids that have these problemsautism, name it down syndrome, and
(16:38):
they just, like you said,the pretty matter of seculation, and they're
just I remember growing up, youknow, going to some people's houses and
you thought, okay, you'rely threekids, at least the three kids.
Then you're going and there's this one. We saw a lot, there's a
change on the you know. Andwith a change, Yeah, we've seen
a family where the girl was changed. When people came to the house,
(16:59):
there were tie her to so peoplecouldn't see that they had a childhood,
you know. And the funny thingis this particular one was I was working.
I was working like my first job, so you know, I was
working in agency, and I wentto see one of my bosses, you
know, and got into the houseand there was this girl, you know,
very big, you know in termsof size, and you could tell
that, oh, was not well, and she never came out of the
(17:22):
house. So you find that it'sit's only people who, I think,
for economic reasons, who have thecapital and the wherewithal to actually try and
find a solution. So until wesort of and that's why we were talking
about you know, you know,finding the right expertise from a medical point
of view, and also educating peopleabout Okay, this is not a death
sentence. Okay, yes, it'sa bit of a challenge, but you
can manage it. So I thinkthat at a real mounting to climb from
(17:45):
the cultural perspective, you know.And then so you touched on something that's
really important, teamwork between the motherand the father. Like we decided that
for Jason it's going to be nine. We said we would not take him
to any specialist school. But thefunny thing is, like I said,
you have to really look well tonotice that anything is wrong. But even
though he has a little bit ofdelayed speech and stuff like that, you
(18:06):
know, but we said we wouldintegrate him with regular kids, and we're
not going to make it look asif he's an they're any think special you
know. And it's worked. Youknow. Yes, he's had to maybe
repeat one or two classes, buthe's catching on. He can express himself,
he can talk, he can youknow, he can, he understands
back. He's the most willing tohelp in the house. You know,
(18:26):
we come back, everybody rushes outa half four songs. Anyway, so
he rushes four songs. The lasttwo are twins, And so it's a
bit of a shocker when I saythat. You know, so he so
he's really he's always willing to help. You know, he comes out,
he's the one who wants to carrythe stuff you've brought back from work and
stuff like that. So I'm justhappy that he's will integrate that. But
(18:47):
we have to be deliberate about itand say, you know what, we're
not going to keep this kid.He's not going to be in some work.
He's going to go to school withhis brother. He's going to do
subjects like everybody else. Learn math, learn English, and learn all that
stuff. And that's how it's workedfor itself. Yeah, sports do sports.
I bet he plays. He's agoal keep. He elects to go
keeps. We play for Posson.Yeah, you know, we've had some
(19:07):
really good nuggets. You know,you have to be deliberate about it to
approach with balance. Sons judge theirfathers till they understand them. Like some
great nuggets, but they're still madnessgoing on out there, right, even
I hear where things, you know, so you're still getting the thing.
It's like Okay, is a wife. Maybe she gets another wife. You
(19:32):
know that someone did a curse onyou. They don't want that child in
church. And you may think thisis only limited to a certain socio economic
class. It isn't cut across.I mean I can tell you myself,
it isn't. How you know,do you deal with that? Yeah?
What else is? Because they'll tellyou to go and find another wife.
(19:56):
That is your wife. So letme let me start by saying this.
When you are making the vow,it's for better, for worse, and
the worst may not necessarily be aboutwhat happens to you, happen what happens
to your offspring. And the truthis, this is the bitter truth.
You know. That is what lovingsomebody is about at the end of the
day. So if if the adversitycomes, and that's why I tell people
(20:18):
when when people are about to getmarried, I said, I say to
them, this face is great,right, this is you know, when
everything is flowery, it's great.You know, you're you're in a good
place, you're gating and all that, and you want to get married,
you know, but when you crossthat up become Once you cross that line,
you're married. Now you face thereality of life. That is when
the relationship starts. That's when youand and part of it is let's tell
(20:41):
people, look your your your yourchallenges may not start immediately, but you
could start when you have a kid. You have a kid that you have
problems. That is what it's about. So in the first place, if
anybody leaves, you know, likelike the example poor gave, like somebody
you know they had a child's autisticand then there was never love in the
first place. I'm sorry, butthat's what it is. You've been listening
(21:10):
to Special Moms Africa Real Talk onspecial needs parenting with Myself twenty if I
look Aks and our Wonderful Daddies onthis bonus episode, the Daddy Edition.
There's still more to come, solisten out look out for part three,
and of course you can follow uson social media at Simons Oasis and at
(21:32):
Special Moms Africa. Keep listening,look Out, Enjoy,
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