September 29, 2025 • 28 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Un specialist by Murray f Yaco. Banner ripped open his orders,
read them, stared in disbelief for a quick moment, then
cursed wildly while reaching for the telephone. Hello, Gastonia, Yes,
I got him. What kind of way to waste our time?
(00:21):
You lunkheads? Think? Oh it's you, Colonel Banner dropped the
receiver and let it dangle. He sank into the only
soft chair in the apartment and watched hypnotically as the
phone's receiver limply coiled and uncoiled at the end of
the wire. Somebody knocked on and then opened the door. Hi,
(00:42):
pretty boy, he got your orders. Come on in and
hear about it, Banner said. He got up from the chair,
ran his hands compulsively through his recently short cropped red hair,
hung up the phone, and shoved the orders into his
co pilot's hands. Harcraft read them over three times, and
then sank into the chair, just vacated by Banner. Finally,
(01:05):
while Banner poured them both a drink, he managed to
blurt potato fertilizer and tractor fuel. Oh no, oh no, no, no, oh, yes, yes, yes,
Banner said, bitterly. We are heroes of the spaceways. Yes, indeed,
we trained for ten years acquire great skill in the
art of the patrol. We dedicate ourselves to the protection
(01:27):
of the Federation. We ready ourselves for war. We gird
our young, strong loins. We are you gettin' hysterical? Said Harcraft,
who poured himself another drink, began pacing the floor and
took up where Banner had left off. We've never even
been lost on patrol, and now they do this. It's unbelievable.
(01:48):
Potato fertilizer and tractor fuel. We're supposed to travel thirty
six light years, pick up one thousand sleds of the stuff,
deliver it to some god forsaken farm planet another thirty
years out, and returned to base. You know what they'll do?
Then he turned to Banner, pointed his finger accusingly and repeated,
(02:08):
you know what they'll do? Then, how would I know?
Said Banner, glumly, staring into his drink. Well, I can
tell you what they'll do, yes, sir, I can tell you.
Harcraft's pudgy face and oversized brown eyes seemed to melt
into each other, giving him the appearance of an angry,
if not very bright chimpanzee. Okay, what'll they do, Banner said,
(02:33):
They'll give us metals. That's what they'll do. For the
safe delivery of one million tons of tractor fuel, You,
two fine specimens of manhood, are hereby presented with the
Order of the Oil. And for your courageous service in
delivering two million tons of potato fertilizer, you are also
awarded the Shield of and never mind, Banner said, it
(02:56):
could be worse. They could have saddled us with a
bean brain. Come on, let's go to some bar and
get sober. We're leaving for freight duty. At seventeen hundred.
The bean Brain met them at the airlock. My name
is Arnold, here's my orders, Banner stared at Harcraft. Harcraft
(03:17):
stared at Arnold. Get inside, said Banner. The bean brain smiled, Uh,
could just sort of lead the way I I've never
been inside a ship before. If you got some kind
of can it would save a mess. I'll probably bombit
a while. They stopped calling him bean Brain. Three days later,
(03:40):
he was still sick, miserably space sick, and neither Banner
nor Harcraft had the heart to keep needling him. On
the fourth day, he managed to get up and around.
They ate their first meal together that day. Let's get
something straight right off the bat, Banner said, neither Hardcraft
nor I got anything again, Stew except prejudice. That right, Hartcraft, right,
(04:04):
Harcraft said in short, continued Banner, between puffs on a cigarette.
All we know is what we've heard, and that's not good,
said Harcraft. Item one said Banner, blowing smoke at the
ceiling ventilator. Patrol Command came up with the bean brain
idea about six months ago. Patrol Command, in its infinite wisdom,
(04:27):
has never seen fit to explain why bean brains are
sometimes assigned evidently at random, to small patrol vessels such
as this. The orders always state that the passenger will
accompany pilot and co pilot throughout the entire trip, will
obey orders, yet is equal in rank to the ship's
commanding officer. The bean brain has no duties aboard. This
(04:51):
seems to make sense, at least, since bean brains aren't
trained for anything and can't do anything. Item two said Banner,
to taking his eyes off the ceiling and pointing a
finger at Arnold. I have or had two good friends,
both patrol captains who had the honor of taxiing bean
brains around the universe. One never came back. The other,
(05:15):
Captain Slatkin, came back and got a big medal for
reasons he'll never talk about. And Slackkin liked to brag,
said Harcraft knowingly. Arnold stood up slowly. He was a
small man, but as he looked up at the ship's
pilot and co pilot, he gave both the impression of
height and strength. I'll tell you something too, he said,
(05:37):
speaking slowly, as if in pain. I don't know why
bean brains are assigned to ships like this either. I've
never been told. I took the job because I didn't
like what I was doing before. I've never had any
real training and this seemed like a chance to do
something that sounded like fun. Like I said, I've never
(05:58):
been told anything. They tested me for a lot of things.
Then they gave me my orders and told me to
come along. And if you're wondering, I flung to the
E s P tests, So there's nothing there. You want
to consider me dead weight? O k your privilege. Leave
me alone if you want to, I'll do the same.
(06:19):
Be friendly. I'll be friendly, ask me to help. I'll
do my best. Then he got up and went back
to his bunk. During the next six weeks, Arnold spent
most of the time in his bunk scanning tapes from
the ship's micro library on an overhead viewer. At meal times,
he was polite, offering no further information about himself, yet
(06:42):
entering into any conversation that centered around such trivia as
terrestrial sports, taxes, money, liquor food, government agencies. By mutual
if silent agreement, Neither women nor work were discussed. We're king.
In the ship's control room, sometimes together, sometimes spelling each other,
(07:04):
Banner and Harcraft speculated bitterly and endlessly about their passenger
theories to explain his presence. Most of them, propounded by
Harcraft were created, torn apart, modified, exploded in giant sequences
of effort, which left both men finally exhausted and tired
of the whole business. On the second day of the
(07:26):
seventh week, out there, Ennui vanished. A ship was picked
up by the specks. Banner, and at their delight at
the break and routine, they summoned Arnold up to the cabin.
Take a good look, said Banner. It's an anchor Babian ship.
Probably the first and the last you'll ever see. Arnold
watched as Banner's finger tracked a slowly moving point of
(07:48):
light across a recessed ceiling screen. Yes, Sir, said Harcraft,
you are looking at the representatives of mankind's only sibling,
the noble ankorbat. Then he recited, in a sing song voice,
a simple race to anchor bades. They wear no clothes
and live in caves, but out in space they do
(08:11):
in minutes what our ships do at speeds and thin
it cultural paranoia, added Warcraft. Huh, I mean just what
I said. You and a million others recite that ditty
or variations of it every day of the week. It
all adds up to the fact that the world is
full of small egged animals who, for ten years have
(08:33):
done nothing but just scream that we're about to be
attacked by the savage anchor baids. Tist tisk, said Banner. Treason,
my lieutenant, treason, of you. I had expected at least
a show of chauvinism. Stop tist tisking me, Harcraft said, irritably.
You've known how I felt about this mess for a
(08:55):
long time. Yes, indeed, said Banner, yawning. Ever since, since
you took that micro course in culturalogy, you have insights
into the situation, denying to the rest of the race anyway,
Harcraft said, making a small adjustment on the screen, You
and countless other atavisms are reacting in a very predictable way,
(09:16):
since you can't reconcile the naked anchor bades and their
superior technology, and since they are alien to point of
showing no interest whatsoever in our elaborate art institutions, rituals
in Since piped up Arnold, startling both men, the human
unconscious can't help but equate nakedness with savagery. We have
(09:38):
armed our mighty planet to the teeth. Convinced that armageddon
is around the corner, Well said the surprise, Harcraft. Where'd
you pick that up? Asked Banner from Captain Slatkin, said Arnold, smiling.
I met him when I was indoctrinated. He took the
same micro course in culturalogy. Of course, he only believed
(10:02):
that stuff when he was scared. Oh you don't say,
said Banner. Tell us, my little friend, are you too
convinced that armageddon is around the corner? Not that I
really think you're capable of having an opinion. I got
plenty of opinions, all right, said Arnold, quietly, staring at
his shoes. Opinion number one is this. We're not really
(10:25):
at war yet, but within the past two years, fifty
six patrol ships have disappeared in the vicinity of our
friendly neighbor. Well, that's not an opinion, Banner said, And
disappeared can mean a lot of things. Opinion number two
continued Arnold, scratching himself under an arm. About the only
(10:47):
diplomatic relations we got with them animals is when they
write a note complaining about some patrol ship getting too
close to some piece of dirt in their system. Speaking
of that, you'll have to excuse me for a moment,
Harcraft said, Stop clowning, snapped Banner. Listen to him. Here's
your chance to get some insight into the nature of
(11:08):
the thorn in your side. Go on, bean brain, any
more opinions. Yeah, if you're such a wise guy, tell
me why you're here right now. Why Arnold's mouth screwed
itself into a knowing, bitter smile. When both of you
were children, you heard the story about the big fleet,
so you made it into the patrol spent the rest
(11:29):
of your life training looking thinking that someday Hartcraft broke
in That tale about anchor Badian fleet build up has
been discredited a full thousand times. When they pried that
crazy scout out of his ship, he was an hour
away from the crematorium. You try spending forty six days
in space without food or water. Sometime you'll see hidden
(11:51):
arsenals of alien ships. Till Hell won't have it, and
added Banner, where is this fleet build up supposed to
take place? The Patrol has had every planet in reachable
space under scheduled surveillance for the past twenty years. You
don't hide a thousand S type cruisers in somebody's pocket,
so nobody's scared. Huh, said Arnold. So the entire Space
(12:16):
Command has been playing foot seat all over the galaxy
for twenty years, looking for a thousand ships that aren't
there in the first place. Huh. Routine surveillance, said Harcraft.
A thousand ships, said Arnold, slapping his sweaty forehead. They'll
burn through our defense system like you're a paranoid rabble rouser,
(12:37):
said Banner lightly. We've got work to do up here.
How about getting back to your bunk. Two days later,
they made scheduled contact with the caravan of potato fertilizer
and tractor fuel one thousand sleds in tandem or in
proper orbit two hundred miles above seed do or two.
Their orders provided for a landing on the planet and
(12:59):
a short ship leave at the discretion of the ship's
pilot to refreshed personnel. Banner and Harcraft decided against landing.
All necessary contact, now that they were out of hyperdrive,
could be accomplished with the ship's radio. Short planet falls
were psychologically more trouble than they were worth, often destroying
the hard earned dedicated space orientation, which was their only
(13:23):
defense against the abysmal boredom. It's a dull place, anyway,
explained Harcraft to Arnold, who had come up from the
control room. It's a mining and processing settlement, maybe five
hundred families altogether. Got a funny religion too, Huh what kind, well,
began Harcraft, breezily. Sort of sacrificial, you might say. They
(13:47):
believe in killing strangers who annoy their women. A dull place,
Arnold agreed, wiping his nose with his sleeve. Speaking of religion,
said Banner, I just talked to their monitor on the radio.
They've picked up twelve big ships on their scanner during
the past two days, Anchor Baits asked Arnold quickly. Uh huh,
(14:08):
but not what you think. It's Easter time or some
such thing at home. They all returned to the home
planet and stay there for about thirty days in the
spring religious festival. Oh yeah, they paint themselves blue and
howl at both of their moons for a month. I
read about it once. We'll be home too pretty soon,
ventured Harcraft, for whom the return journey was subjectively always short.
(14:31):
Let's hitch up to those sleds, banner said, it's time
to get going. Four weeks later, two of the fertilizer
sleds went out of phase and automatically cut the ship
out of hyperdrive. A welcome diversion banner said to Harcraft,
you are now about to meet your mortal enemy face
to face. Manual labor, never, said Harcraft, assuming the pose
(14:55):
of a man bravely facing the firing squad. Patrol duty
is mo my lifeblood. Even freight duties such as this
I can stomach. But manual labor. Please captain, let the
air out of the ship if you will, but never
shall these hands. Did somebody call me? Asked Arnold, appearing silently, Yeah,
(15:17):
said Banner. How'd you like to help? Well? Sure, what
do you got? A couple sleds are out of phase?
You and Harcraft are going to slip into suits and
go out and find the trouble. Arnold shrugged. Okay with me?
When do we start? Pretty quick, said Banner, who had
turned to look at the ship's speck scanner. Looks like
(15:38):
we're in a belt of meteorites. We'll be able to
match velocities, but we could still be creamed if the
path gets too eccentric. Show them the way, Hartcraft. I
don't want to take any longer than necessary either, understand.
Fifteen minutes later, both Arnold and Harcraft were out of
the airlock, each clutching a new phase unit. Hartcraft called
(15:59):
instructions to Arnold over his suit's intercom, but within minutes
the smaller man was, if anything, more adept at the
business of maneuvering himself through the void than his teacher.
They replaced the phase unit in the first sled the
fiftieth from the ship, with Hartcraft doing the work and
Arnold watching can you do the next one alone? Harcraft asked,
(16:22):
easy as pie. Arnold said, where is it? About two
hundred sleds farther back? Numbers on the side, number two
hundred and sixty three. Can you remember? I ain't dumb.
Where are you going to be back in the ship.
We'll be waiting for you. Back again. In the control
(16:42):
cabin with Banner, Harcraft was about to congratulate himself on
inventing the apprentice system when a piercing scream brought both
men to their feet. It's Arnold, Bannard said, Arnold. Are
you all right? Hartcraft pushed Banner away from the speaker. Arnold,
what's wrong? You okay? The speaker remained silent. You better
(17:03):
suit up, Banner said quietly. Yeah, Harcrest said, staring dumbly
at the speaker. Yeah, I better suit up. Wait, better
take a look on the viewscreen. Hey, he's coming this
way quick. Get ready at the airlock. It was fifteen
minutes before they could get anything out of him, and
(17:24):
then he wasn't too coherent. They gave him an injection
of herodine to quiet him down, but his eyes still
rolled wildly, and all he could manage was big hunk
of rock, big hunk of rock, rock, quick monkey ships.
(17:44):
Any idea what he's talking about? No, Banner said thoughtfully.
There was a sizeable meteorite that came pretty close while
you were on your way back to the ship, but
I'd already tracked it before either one of you went outside.
How close, Hm, visually a dozen kilometers? I guess I
(18:05):
could run the tape if you're velocities are almost the same,
asked Harcraft, who was now fiddling with the viewscreen controls. Yeah,
shouldn't be too hard to find. How about lugging bean
bringing back to his bunk. I'll run the tape, then
you can plot it on the screen. When Harcraft returned
to the control cabin, Banner had already plotted it on
(18:25):
the screen. I'll say it's a big piece of rock
about four kilometers in diameter. Yeah, but nothing out of order.
Uh huh. Let me turn out the magnification a little
and see if. Banner watched as Hartcraft turn the control
buttons skillfully increasing magnification without losing hold of the view.
Suddenly the object exploded into iridescence. Whah. Watch. Harcraft said
(18:51):
he bumped the magnification as much as he dared the
anchor baby in fleet, said Banner between clenched teeth. The
next hour scanning the ship's micro library for anything at
all on Anchor Baedian religious practices. There was nothing. Arnold
awoke in another hour and seemed remarkably free of hysteria.
(19:13):
What do you know about our friend's religious holiday, asked Banner.
We checked the library without any luck. Arnold scratched the
side of his face. Oh let me think. Yeah, I
remember they go home to celebrate spring. Like you said,
they all go home. Uh huh, they got to only
(19:34):
time they can mate, only place two. How long they stay?
I've heard it's about one of our months, but we
have to know exactly, and that's all I know. Read
it someplace a long time ago. Can I go back
to sleep, Now, go back to sleep, said Banner. They
(19:55):
spent the next three hours maneuvering carefully around the asteroid.
They took six thousand feet of me movies and stared
at the projections for another three hours. One thousand, seven
hundred and thirty silvery needles flashed reflected starlight into astonished
wild eyes. At least, whispered Banner, there's nobody there a
(20:17):
lot of good that does us. They'll be back from
their home planet in a few weeks, just as soon
as the breeding season is over. Why should they leave
anybody here. There's not a map in the galaxy that
indicates the position of this piece of rock, and we
haven't any weapons. I don't suppose the computer you can't
compute an orbit without at least one more reference point. Besides,
(20:39):
we're four weeks from any kind of fleet contact. Great.
In other words, they'll be back here ready to roll
before we can even tell anybody that we don't know
how to find it again. Right, and since there's not
any room left to park another ship of that size,
it's a pretty safe assumption that they're ready to roll Armageddon.
Mutter Harcraft. You sure we don't have anything to weapons? Yeah,
(21:05):
we have a pistol and three small nitro packs in
a locker someplace. You couldn't even blow your way inside
one of those ships, and if you could, you'd spent
two weeks and then blow yourself to hell before you'd
know anything about the armament. Okay, let's land and look around.
Go get arnold. They cut off the sleds and plunged down,
(21:26):
landing between two of the ships. Before putting on suits,
Banner sent Arnold to the locker to get the three
nitro packs. He hoped it would help him overcome the
terrible feeling of nakedness and impotence. They spent only a
little time out of the ship. There was nothing to
see that hadn't been seen before, and the heavy artificial
gravity generated by the alien ships, coupled with a maze
(21:48):
of deep crevices, made walking difficult and dangerous. Back in
the control cabin, Banner turned to Hartcraft. Any ideas ideas
you mean for saving Homo sapiens. I'm afraid not. I
simply do not feel up to saving six billion sentient
organisms today. I feel as you're getting hysterical, said Banner,
(22:10):
whose own tight, small voice was very audible. I got
an opinion, said Arnold. You guys, stop crying for a
minute and I'll tell you. It took him five minutes
to explain the whole thing. When he was through, both
Banner and Hardcraft turned him down flat. Not a chance,
said Banner. It would take a week to set the
(22:30):
thing up and then it wouldn't work. Our best chance
is a long one, but maybe we'll make it. We're
four weeks away from any fleet contact. But it's the
only sensible course of action, and that makes it a
total of eight weeks. With four weeks to get back here,
that's two months, said Arnold. You think they're gonna wait
two months before they shove out of here? Maybe not,
(22:52):
Banner said, but that's the only thing to do. And
the sooner we get started, the better the chances. Let's
get going. Can you look here, Arnold began. No more
opinions being brained. You're not entitled to an opinion. You
think we should take your word for everything you told us.
Tell me why you said yourself? You never had any training,
(23:13):
so you're guessing and hoping. It would take a staff
of two dozen highly specialized technicians to even evaluate your idea,
much less put it into action. Hell Man, face it,
what do you know about geology, chemistry, mining, What do
you know about anything? Arnold pointed a trembling finger at Banner. Look,
(23:33):
I told you guys that I know rock, I know
plenty of gardening too. I gave you guys a chance
to say okay, but you still say no, I have
it your way, but we'll do it my way. Both
Banner and Harcraft found themselves staring into the barrel of
the ship's only weapon. Harcraft recovered from his astonishment quicker
(23:54):
than Banner. Okay, being brain, have it your way quickly
usually he started for the cabin door. Then, with such
speed that Banner hardly saw the movement, he chopped down
viciously toward Arnold's wrist with the edge of his hand.
Harcraft recovered consciousness a half an hour later. Don't try
(24:15):
that again, little boy, said Arnold with unconcealed hatred. I'll
give you another thirty minutes to catch your breath, then
we all go to work. It took ten days instead
of seven. Under Arnold's close supervision, they made the ship
perform like a tractor, an air hammer, a foundation borer,
(24:35):
and an angle dozer. Once, when they told him that
some particular maneuver couldn't be done, he took the controls
himself and came so close to killing them all that Banner,
out of sheer terror, took over and made it do
the things Arnold decreed necessary. Finally it was finished. Two
million tons of potato fertilizer one million tons of tractor
(24:58):
fuel combined into a slimy pulp lay jammed into the
largest crevice on the asteroid. A few hours later, they
were one thousand miles out in space. Now asked Banner,
Now said Arnold. With a viewscreen at maximum magnification, they
watched as the asteroid blew itself into a thousand million pieces.
(25:22):
In the control cabin, a short week away from fleet contact,
Banner was still gloating over the movies. Look at these
before and after? How many metals do you think we
can carry on our strong manly chests. I really couldn't
care less, answered Harcraft. While you've been sitting there and
riching your fantasy life, I've solved the mystery of mysteries.
(25:45):
Out with it, okay. While our little friend has been
lying in his bunk, ruining his beady eyes on the
micro viewer, I've been asking myself significant questions. Question number one,
what kind of person does it take to the inactivity
and boredom of three, four, maybe six months in a
space can like this answer? It takes a highly trained
(26:08):
and conditioned person such as yours truly or yourself. Arnold
is obviously not such a person. Obviously. Question number two,
under what circumstances can a person as obviously intelligent as
Arnold manage not to become a highly specialized member of society.
And last, what kind of person can be so revoltingly
(26:32):
unspecialized as to know with fanatical certainty that the main
ingredient of a good potato fertilizer is ammonium nitrate, that
such a substance is rather ineffective as an explosive unless
you mix it with a good oxidizable material such as
diesel fuel, that a four square mile chunk of rock
(26:53):
is brittle, And don't forget to add another nice facet,
that he's a lot cleverer in the manly art of
self defense, then you'll ever be. I acknowledge my humiliation,
and at the same time repeat my question, what kind
of person can be so unspecialized and at the same
time so miserably competent? I give up? Do you really
(27:14):
know the answer? I know this, I know that whoever
he is, it makes good sense to send somebody like
him along with two over specialized robots like us. Look
at us. You couldn't pull a cotter pin with a
pair of pliers if you knew what a cotter pin was.
As for myself, if I'd gotten that gun away from Arnold.
(27:35):
I'm not even sure I'd have known how to fire it,
which still doesn't answer any questions. There are still a
hundred places on our primitive homeland that provide the answer,
said Harcraft thoughtfully, places where men spend half the year
working with vegetables and fertilizer and the other half breaking
rock with a sledgehammer. Yes, and there's probably no better
(27:59):
place than a cell to train for the isolation of space.
Uh huh. It also explains a certain familiarity with makeshift
explosives and weapons, and brother bean Brain summed up Harcraft wistfully.
What better place in the universe to find asylum from
specialization and of unspecialists? By Murray F. Yako
Un specialist by Murray f Yaco. Banner ripped open his orders,
read them, stared in disbelief for a quick moment, then
cursed wildly while reaching for the telephone. Hello, Gastonia, Yes,
I got him. What kind of way to waste our time?
(00:21):
You lunkheads? Think? Oh it's you, Colonel Banner dropped the
receiver and let it dangle. He sank into the only
soft chair in the apartment and watched hypnotically as the
phone's receiver limply coiled and uncoiled at the end of
the wire. Somebody knocked on and then opened the door. Hi,
(00:42):
pretty boy, he got your orders. Come on in and
hear about it, Banner said. He got up from the chair,
ran his hands compulsively through his recently short cropped red hair,
hung up the phone, and shoved the orders into his
co pilot's hands. Harcraft read them over three times, and
then sank into the chair, just vacated by Banner. Finally,
(01:05):
while Banner poured them both a drink, he managed to
blurt potato fertilizer and tractor fuel. Oh no, oh no, no, no, oh, yes, yes, yes,
Banner said, bitterly. We are heroes of the spaceways. Yes, indeed,
we trained for ten years acquire great skill in the
art of the patrol. We dedicate ourselves to the protection
(01:27):
of the Federation. We ready ourselves for war. We gird
our young, strong loins. We are you gettin' hysterical? Said Harcraft,
who poured himself another drink, began pacing the floor and
took up where Banner had left off. We've never even
been lost on patrol, and now they do this. It's unbelievable.
(01:48):
Potato fertilizer and tractor fuel. We're supposed to travel thirty
six light years, pick up one thousand sleds of the stuff,
deliver it to some god forsaken farm planet another thirty
years out, and returned to base. You know what they'll do?
Then he turned to Banner, pointed his finger accusingly and repeated,
(02:08):
you know what they'll do? Then, how would I know?
Said Banner, glumly, staring into his drink. Well, I can
tell you what they'll do, yes, sir, I can tell you.
Harcraft's pudgy face and oversized brown eyes seemed to melt
into each other, giving him the appearance of an angry,
if not very bright chimpanzee. Okay, what'll they do, Banner said,
(02:33):
They'll give us metals. That's what they'll do. For the
safe delivery of one million tons of tractor fuel, You,
two fine specimens of manhood, are hereby presented with the
Order of the Oil. And for your courageous service in
delivering two million tons of potato fertilizer, you are also
awarded the Shield of and never mind, Banner said, it
(02:56):
could be worse. They could have saddled us with a
bean brain. Come on, let's go to some bar and
get sober. We're leaving for freight duty. At seventeen hundred.
The bean Brain met them at the airlock. My name
is Arnold, here's my orders, Banner stared at Harcraft. Harcraft
(03:17):
stared at Arnold. Get inside, said Banner. The bean brain smiled, Uh,
could just sort of lead the way I I've never
been inside a ship before. If you got some kind
of can it would save a mess. I'll probably bombit
a while. They stopped calling him bean Brain. Three days later,
(03:40):
he was still sick, miserably space sick, and neither Banner
nor Harcraft had the heart to keep needling him. On
the fourth day, he managed to get up and around.
They ate their first meal together that day. Let's get
something straight right off the bat, Banner said, neither Hardcraft
nor I got anything again, Stew except prejudice. That right, Hartcraft, right,
(04:04):
Harcraft said in short, continued Banner, between puffs on a cigarette.
All we know is what we've heard, and that's not good,
said Harcraft. Item one said Banner, blowing smoke at the
ceiling ventilator. Patrol Command came up with the bean brain
idea about six months ago. Patrol Command, in its infinite wisdom,
(04:27):
has never seen fit to explain why bean brains are
sometimes assigned evidently at random, to small patrol vessels such
as this. The orders always state that the passenger will
accompany pilot and co pilot throughout the entire trip, will
obey orders, yet is equal in rank to the ship's
commanding officer. The bean brain has no duties aboard. This
(04:51):
seems to make sense, at least, since bean brains aren't
trained for anything and can't do anything. Item two said Banner,
to taking his eyes off the ceiling and pointing a
finger at Arnold. I have or had two good friends,
both patrol captains who had the honor of taxiing bean
brains around the universe. One never came back. The other,
(05:15):
Captain Slatkin, came back and got a big medal for
reasons he'll never talk about. And Slackkin liked to brag,
said Harcraft knowingly. Arnold stood up slowly. He was a
small man, but as he looked up at the ship's
pilot and co pilot, he gave both the impression of
height and strength. I'll tell you something too, he said,
(05:37):
speaking slowly, as if in pain. I don't know why
bean brains are assigned to ships like this either. I've
never been told. I took the job because I didn't
like what I was doing before. I've never had any
real training and this seemed like a chance to do
something that sounded like fun. Like I said, I've never
(05:58):
been told anything. They tested me for a lot of things.
Then they gave me my orders and told me to
come along. And if you're wondering, I flung to the
E s P tests, So there's nothing there. You want
to consider me dead weight? O k your privilege. Leave
me alone if you want to, I'll do the same.
(06:19):
Be friendly. I'll be friendly, ask me to help. I'll
do my best. Then he got up and went back
to his bunk. During the next six weeks, Arnold spent
most of the time in his bunk scanning tapes from
the ship's micro library on an overhead viewer. At meal times,
he was polite, offering no further information about himself, yet
(06:42):
entering into any conversation that centered around such trivia as
terrestrial sports, taxes, money, liquor food, government agencies. By mutual
if silent agreement, Neither women nor work were discussed. We're king.
In the ship's control room, sometimes together, sometimes spelling each other,
(07:04):
Banner and Harcraft speculated bitterly and endlessly about their passenger
theories to explain his presence. Most of them, propounded by
Harcraft were created, torn apart, modified, exploded in giant sequences
of effort, which left both men finally exhausted and tired
of the whole business. On the second day of the
(07:26):
seventh week, out there, Ennui vanished. A ship was picked
up by the specks. Banner, and at their delight at
the break and routine, they summoned Arnold up to the cabin.
Take a good look, said Banner. It's an anchor Babian ship.
Probably the first and the last you'll ever see. Arnold
watched as Banner's finger tracked a slowly moving point of
(07:48):
light across a recessed ceiling screen. Yes, Sir, said Harcraft,
you are looking at the representatives of mankind's only sibling,
the noble ankorbat. Then he recited, in a sing song voice,
a simple race to anchor bades. They wear no clothes
and live in caves, but out in space they do
(08:11):
in minutes what our ships do at speeds and thin
it cultural paranoia, added Warcraft. Huh, I mean just what
I said. You and a million others recite that ditty
or variations of it every day of the week. It
all adds up to the fact that the world is
full of small egged animals who, for ten years have
(08:33):
done nothing but just scream that we're about to be
attacked by the savage anchor baids. Tist tisk, said Banner. Treason,
my lieutenant, treason, of you. I had expected at least
a show of chauvinism. Stop tist tisking me, Harcraft said, irritably.
You've known how I felt about this mess for a
(08:55):
long time. Yes, indeed, said Banner, yawning. Ever since, since
you took that micro course in culturalogy, you have insights
into the situation, denying to the rest of the race anyway,
Harcraft said, making a small adjustment on the screen, You
and countless other atavisms are reacting in a very predictable way,
(09:16):
since you can't reconcile the naked anchor bades and their
superior technology, and since they are alien to point of
showing no interest whatsoever in our elaborate art institutions, rituals
in Since piped up Arnold, startling both men, the human
unconscious can't help but equate nakedness with savagery. We have
(09:38):
armed our mighty planet to the teeth. Convinced that armageddon
is around the corner, Well said the surprise, Harcraft. Where'd
you pick that up? Asked Banner from Captain Slatkin, said Arnold, smiling.
I met him when I was indoctrinated. He took the
same micro course in culturalogy. Of course, he only believed
(10:02):
that stuff when he was scared. Oh you don't say,
said Banner. Tell us, my little friend, are you too
convinced that armageddon is around the corner? Not that I
really think you're capable of having an opinion. I got
plenty of opinions, all right, said Arnold, quietly, staring at
his shoes. Opinion number one is this. We're not really
(10:25):
at war yet, but within the past two years, fifty
six patrol ships have disappeared in the vicinity of our
friendly neighbor. Well, that's not an opinion, Banner said, And
disappeared can mean a lot of things. Opinion number two
continued Arnold, scratching himself under an arm. About the only
(10:47):
diplomatic relations we got with them animals is when they
write a note complaining about some patrol ship getting too
close to some piece of dirt in their system. Speaking
of that, you'll have to excuse me for a moment,
Harcraft said, Stop clowning, snapped Banner. Listen to him. Here's
your chance to get some insight into the nature of
(11:08):
the thorn in your side. Go on, bean brain, any
more opinions. Yeah, if you're such a wise guy, tell
me why you're here right now. Why Arnold's mouth screwed
itself into a knowing, bitter smile. When both of you
were children, you heard the story about the big fleet,
so you made it into the patrol spent the rest
(11:29):
of your life training looking thinking that someday Hartcraft broke
in That tale about anchor Badian fleet build up has
been discredited a full thousand times. When they pried that
crazy scout out of his ship, he was an hour
away from the crematorium. You try spending forty six days
in space without food or water. Sometime you'll see hidden
(11:51):
arsenals of alien ships. Till Hell won't have it, and
added Banner, where is this fleet build up supposed to
take place? The Patrol has had every planet in reachable
space under scheduled surveillance for the past twenty years. You
don't hide a thousand S type cruisers in somebody's pocket,
so nobody's scared. Huh, said Arnold. So the entire Space
(12:16):
Command has been playing foot seat all over the galaxy
for twenty years, looking for a thousand ships that aren't
there in the first place. Huh. Routine surveillance, said Harcraft.
A thousand ships, said Arnold, slapping his sweaty forehead. They'll
burn through our defense system like you're a paranoid rabble rouser,
(12:37):
said Banner lightly. We've got work to do up here.
How about getting back to your bunk. Two days later,
they made scheduled contact with the caravan of potato fertilizer
and tractor fuel one thousand sleds in tandem or in
proper orbit two hundred miles above seed do or two.
Their orders provided for a landing on the planet and
(12:59):
a short ship leave at the discretion of the ship's
pilot to refreshed personnel. Banner and Harcraft decided against landing.
All necessary contact, now that they were out of hyperdrive,
could be accomplished with the ship's radio. Short planet falls
were psychologically more trouble than they were worth, often destroying
the hard earned dedicated space orientation, which was their only
(13:23):
defense against the abysmal boredom. It's a dull place, anyway,
explained Harcraft to Arnold, who had come up from the
control room. It's a mining and processing settlement, maybe five
hundred families altogether. Got a funny religion too, Huh what kind, well,
began Harcraft, breezily. Sort of sacrificial, you might say. They
(13:47):
believe in killing strangers who annoy their women. A dull place,
Arnold agreed, wiping his nose with his sleeve. Speaking of religion,
said Banner, I just talked to their monitor on the radio.
They've picked up twelve big ships on their scanner during
the past two days, Anchor Baits asked Arnold quickly. Uh huh,
(14:08):
but not what you think. It's Easter time or some
such thing at home. They all returned to the home
planet and stay there for about thirty days in the
spring religious festival. Oh yeah, they paint themselves blue and
howl at both of their moons for a month. I
read about it once. We'll be home too pretty soon,
ventured Harcraft, for whom the return journey was subjectively always short.
(14:31):
Let's hitch up to those sleds, banner said, it's time
to get going. Four weeks later, two of the fertilizer
sleds went out of phase and automatically cut the ship
out of hyperdrive. A welcome diversion banner said to Harcraft,
you are now about to meet your mortal enemy face
to face. Manual labor, never, said Harcraft, assuming the pose
(14:55):
of a man bravely facing the firing squad. Patrol duty
is mo my lifeblood. Even freight duties such as this
I can stomach. But manual labor. Please captain, let the
air out of the ship if you will, but never
shall these hands. Did somebody call me? Asked Arnold, appearing silently, Yeah,
(15:17):
said Banner. How'd you like to help? Well? Sure, what
do you got? A couple sleds are out of phase?
You and Harcraft are going to slip into suits and
go out and find the trouble. Arnold shrugged. Okay with me?
When do we start? Pretty quick, said Banner, who had
turned to look at the ship's speck scanner. Looks like
(15:38):
we're in a belt of meteorites. We'll be able to
match velocities, but we could still be creamed if the
path gets too eccentric. Show them the way, Hartcraft. I
don't want to take any longer than necessary either, understand.
Fifteen minutes later, both Arnold and Harcraft were out of
the airlock, each clutching a new phase unit. Hartcraft called
(15:59):
instructions to Arnold over his suit's intercom, but within minutes
the smaller man was, if anything, more adept at the
business of maneuvering himself through the void than his teacher.
They replaced the phase unit in the first sled the
fiftieth from the ship, with Hartcraft doing the work and
Arnold watching can you do the next one alone? Harcraft asked,
(16:22):
easy as pie. Arnold said, where is it? About two
hundred sleds farther back? Numbers on the side, number two
hundred and sixty three. Can you remember? I ain't dumb.
Where are you going to be back in the ship.
We'll be waiting for you. Back again. In the control
(16:42):
cabin with Banner, Harcraft was about to congratulate himself on
inventing the apprentice system when a piercing scream brought both
men to their feet. It's Arnold, Bannard said, Arnold. Are
you all right? Hartcraft pushed Banner away from the speaker. Arnold,
what's wrong? You okay? The speaker remained silent. You better
(17:03):
suit up, Banner said quietly. Yeah, Harcrest said, staring dumbly
at the speaker. Yeah, I better suit up. Wait, better
take a look on the viewscreen. Hey, he's coming this
way quick. Get ready at the airlock. It was fifteen
minutes before they could get anything out of him, and
(17:24):
then he wasn't too coherent. They gave him an injection
of herodine to quiet him down, but his eyes still
rolled wildly, and all he could manage was big hunk
of rock, big hunk of rock, rock, quick monkey ships.
(17:44):
Any idea what he's talking about? No, Banner said thoughtfully.
There was a sizeable meteorite that came pretty close while
you were on your way back to the ship, but
I'd already tracked it before either one of you went outside.
How close, Hm, visually a dozen kilometers? I guess I
(18:05):
could run the tape if you're velocities are almost the same,
asked Harcraft, who was now fiddling with the viewscreen controls. Yeah,
shouldn't be too hard to find. How about lugging bean
bringing back to his bunk. I'll run the tape, then
you can plot it on the screen. When Harcraft returned
to the control cabin, Banner had already plotted it on
(18:25):
the screen. I'll say it's a big piece of rock
about four kilometers in diameter. Yeah, but nothing out of order.
Uh huh. Let me turn out the magnification a little
and see if. Banner watched as Hartcraft turn the control
buttons skillfully increasing magnification without losing hold of the view.
Suddenly the object exploded into iridescence. Whah. Watch. Harcraft said
(18:51):
he bumped the magnification as much as he dared the
anchor baby in fleet, said Banner between clenched teeth. The
next hour scanning the ship's micro library for anything at
all on Anchor Baedian religious practices. There was nothing. Arnold
awoke in another hour and seemed remarkably free of hysteria.
(19:13):
What do you know about our friend's religious holiday, asked Banner.
We checked the library without any luck. Arnold scratched the
side of his face. Oh let me think. Yeah, I
remember they go home to celebrate spring. Like you said,
they all go home. Uh huh, they got to only
(19:34):
time they can mate, only place two. How long they stay?
I've heard it's about one of our months, but we
have to know exactly, and that's all I know. Read
it someplace a long time ago. Can I go back
to sleep, Now, go back to sleep, said Banner. They
(19:55):
spent the next three hours maneuvering carefully around the asteroid.
They took six thousand feet of me movies and stared
at the projections for another three hours. One thousand, seven
hundred and thirty silvery needles flashed reflected starlight into astonished
wild eyes. At least, whispered Banner, there's nobody there a
(20:17):
lot of good that does us. They'll be back from
their home planet in a few weeks, just as soon
as the breeding season is over. Why should they leave
anybody here. There's not a map in the galaxy that
indicates the position of this piece of rock, and we
haven't any weapons. I don't suppose the computer you can't
compute an orbit without at least one more reference point. Besides,
(20:39):
we're four weeks from any kind of fleet contact. Great.
In other words, they'll be back here ready to roll
before we can even tell anybody that we don't know
how to find it again. Right, and since there's not
any room left to park another ship of that size,
it's a pretty safe assumption that they're ready to roll Armageddon.
Mutter Harcraft. You sure we don't have anything to weapons? Yeah,
(21:05):
we have a pistol and three small nitro packs in
a locker someplace. You couldn't even blow your way inside
one of those ships, and if you could, you'd spent
two weeks and then blow yourself to hell before you'd
know anything about the armament. Okay, let's land and look around.
Go get arnold. They cut off the sleds and plunged down,
(21:26):
landing between two of the ships. Before putting on suits,
Banner sent Arnold to the locker to get the three
nitro packs. He hoped it would help him overcome the
terrible feeling of nakedness and impotence. They spent only a
little time out of the ship. There was nothing to
see that hadn't been seen before, and the heavy artificial
gravity generated by the alien ships, coupled with a maze
(21:48):
of deep crevices, made walking difficult and dangerous. Back in
the control cabin, Banner turned to Hartcraft. Any ideas ideas
you mean for saving Homo sapiens. I'm afraid not. I
simply do not feel up to saving six billion sentient
organisms today. I feel as you're getting hysterical, said Banner,
(22:10):
whose own tight, small voice was very audible. I got
an opinion, said Arnold. You guys, stop crying for a
minute and I'll tell you. It took him five minutes
to explain the whole thing. When he was through, both
Banner and Hardcraft turned him down flat. Not a chance,
said Banner. It would take a week to set the
(22:30):
thing up and then it wouldn't work. Our best chance
is a long one, but maybe we'll make it. We're
four weeks away from any fleet contact. But it's the
only sensible course of action, and that makes it a
total of eight weeks. With four weeks to get back here,
that's two months, said Arnold. You think they're gonna wait
two months before they shove out of here? Maybe not,
(22:52):
Banner said, but that's the only thing to do. And
the sooner we get started, the better the chances. Let's
get going. Can you look here, Arnold began. No more
opinions being brained. You're not entitled to an opinion. You
think we should take your word for everything you told us.
Tell me why you said yourself? You never had any training,
(23:13):
so you're guessing and hoping. It would take a staff
of two dozen highly specialized technicians to even evaluate your idea,
much less put it into action. Hell Man, face it,
what do you know about geology, chemistry, mining, What do
you know about anything? Arnold pointed a trembling finger at Banner. Look,
(23:33):
I told you guys that I know rock, I know
plenty of gardening too. I gave you guys a chance
to say okay, but you still say no, I have
it your way, but we'll do it my way. Both
Banner and Harcraft found themselves staring into the barrel of
the ship's only weapon. Harcraft recovered from his astonishment quicker
(23:54):
than Banner. Okay, being brain, have it your way quickly
usually he started for the cabin door. Then, with such
speed that Banner hardly saw the movement, he chopped down
viciously toward Arnold's wrist with the edge of his hand.
Harcraft recovered consciousness a half an hour later. Don't try
(24:15):
that again, little boy, said Arnold with unconcealed hatred. I'll
give you another thirty minutes to catch your breath, then
we all go to work. It took ten days instead
of seven. Under Arnold's close supervision, they made the ship
perform like a tractor, an air hammer, a foundation borer,
(24:35):
and an angle dozer. Once, when they told him that
some particular maneuver couldn't be done, he took the controls
himself and came so close to killing them all that Banner,
out of sheer terror, took over and made it do
the things Arnold decreed necessary. Finally it was finished. Two
million tons of potato fertilizer one million tons of tractor
(24:58):
fuel combined into a slimy pulp lay jammed into the
largest crevice on the asteroid. A few hours later, they
were one thousand miles out in space. Now asked Banner,
Now said Arnold. With a viewscreen at maximum magnification, they
watched as the asteroid blew itself into a thousand million pieces.
(25:22):
In the control cabin, a short week away from fleet contact,
Banner was still gloating over the movies. Look at these
before and after? How many metals do you think we
can carry on our strong manly chests. I really couldn't
care less, answered Harcraft. While you've been sitting there and
riching your fantasy life, I've solved the mystery of mysteries.
(25:45):
Out with it, okay. While our little friend has been
lying in his bunk, ruining his beady eyes on the
micro viewer, I've been asking myself significant questions. Question number one,
what kind of person does it take to the inactivity
and boredom of three, four, maybe six months in a
space can like this answer? It takes a highly trained
(26:08):
and conditioned person such as yours truly or yourself. Arnold
is obviously not such a person. Obviously. Question number two,
under what circumstances can a person as obviously intelligent as
Arnold manage not to become a highly specialized member of society.
And last, what kind of person can be so revoltingly
(26:32):
unspecialized as to know with fanatical certainty that the main
ingredient of a good potato fertilizer is ammonium nitrate, that
such a substance is rather ineffective as an explosive unless
you mix it with a good oxidizable material such as
diesel fuel, that a four square mile chunk of rock
(26:53):
is brittle, And don't forget to add another nice facet,
that he's a lot cleverer in the manly art of
self defense, then you'll ever be. I acknowledge my humiliation,
and at the same time repeat my question, what kind
of person can be so unspecialized and at the same
time so miserably competent? I give up? Do you really
(27:14):
know the answer? I know this, I know that whoever
he is, it makes good sense to send somebody like
him along with two over specialized robots like us. Look
at us. You couldn't pull a cotter pin with a
pair of pliers if you knew what a cotter pin was.
As for myself, if I'd gotten that gun away from Arnold.
(27:35):
I'm not even sure I'd have known how to fire it,
which still doesn't answer any questions. There are still a
hundred places on our primitive homeland that provide the answer,
said Harcraft thoughtfully, places where men spend half the year
working with vegetables and fertilizer and the other half breaking
rock with a sledgehammer. Yes, and there's probably no better
(27:59):
place than a cell to train for the isolation of space.
Uh huh. It also explains a certain familiarity with makeshift
explosives and weapons, and brother bean Brain summed up Harcraft wistfully.
What better place in the universe to find asylum from
specialization and of unspecialists? By Murray F. Yako
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