August 19, 2025 • 40 mins
Marie Francoise Therese Martin, lovingly known as The Little Flower, was born on January 2, 1873, in Alencon, France, to Louis Martin and Zelie Guerin. As the youngest of nine siblings, she faced profound loss early in life when her mother passed away when she was just three years old. The family relocated to Lisieux to be closer to relatives, setting the stage for Therese’s spiritual journey. At the tender age of 15, Therese entered the Carmelite convent in Lisieux on April 9, 1888, despite facing significant opposition. It was within those sacred walls that she penned her spiritual autobiography, LHistoire dune Ame (The Story of a Soul), out of obedience and love. Her sisters followed her path into religious life, with one joining her at the Carmel and another becoming a Poor Clare at the Visitation Convent in Caen. Thereses life was brief; she succumbed to tuberculosis on September 30, 1897, at the Carmel of Lisieux. Her legacy lives on, as she was beatified on April 29, 1923, and canonized on May 17, 1925. (Summary written by Ann Boulais.)
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter nine of the Story of a Soul. This is
a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.
For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org.
Recording by Anne Boulat, The Story of a Soul, The
Autobiography of Saint Terrez of Le Sieux, translated by Thomas Taylor,
(00:23):
Chapter nine, The Knight of the Soul. Dear Mother, I
thought I had written enough, and now you wish for
more details of my religious life. I will not argue,
but I cannot help smiling when I have to tell
you things that you know quite as well as I do. Nevertheless,
I will obey. I do not ask what use this
manuscript can be to any one. I assure you that
(00:46):
even were you to burn it before my eyes without
having read it, I should not mind in the least.
The opinion is not uncommon in the community that you
have always indulged me ever since I entered the convent. However,
man and seeth those things that appear, but the Lord
beholdeth the heart First Kings sixteen, verse seven. Dear Mother,
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once again, I thank you for not having spared me.
Jesus knew well that his little flower needed the life
giving water of humiliation. It was too weak to take
root otherwise, And to you it owes so great a blessing.
But for some months the Divine Master has entirely changed
his method of cultivating his little flower. Finding no doubt
that it has been sufficiently watered, he now allows it
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to expand under the warm rays of a brilliant sun.
He smiles on it, and this favor also comes through you,
dear mother. But far from doing it harm, those smiles
make the little flower grow in a wondrous way. Deep
down in its heart, it treasures those precious drops of dew,
the mortifications of other days, and they remind it that
it is small and frail. Even were all creatures to
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draw near to admire and flatter it, that would not
add a shade of idle satisfaction to the true joy
which thrills it on realizing that in God's eyes it
is but a poor, worthless thing, and nothing more. When
I say that I am indifferent to praise, I am
not speaking, dear Mother, of the love and confidence you
show me. On the contrary, I am deeply touched thereby.
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But I feel that I have now nothing to fear,
and I can listen to those praises unperturbed, attributing to
God all that is good in me. If it please
Him to make me appear better than I am, it
is nothing to me. He can act as he will,
My God, How many ways dost thou lead souls? We
read of saints who left absolutely nothing at their death,
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not the least thing by which to remember them, not
even a single line of writing. And there are others,
like our Holy mother, Saint Teresa, who have enriched the
church with their sublime teaching, and have not hesitated to
reveal the secrets of the King Tobias twelve, verse seven,
that he may be better known and better loved. Which
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of these two ways is more pleasing to our Lord?
It seems to me that they are equally so. All
those beloved by God have followed the inspiration of the
Holy Ghost, who commanded the prophets to write, tell the
just man that all is well? Footnote cross reference Isaiah's
three verse ten and footnote Yes, all is well when
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one seeks only the Master's will. And so I, poor
little flower, obey my Jesus, when I try to please you,
who represent Him here on earth. You know it has
ever been my desire to become a saint. But I
have always felt, in comparing myself with the saints, that
I am as far removed from them as the grain
of sand which the passer by tramples under foot is
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remote from the mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds.
Instead of being discouraged, I conclude that God would not
inspire desires which could not be realized, and that I
may aspire to sanctity in spite of my littleness. For
me to become great is impossible. I must bear with
myself and my many imperfections. But I will seek out
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a means of getting to Heaven by a little way,
very short and very straight, a little way that is
wholly new. We live in an age of inventions. Nowadays
the rich need not trouble to climb the stairs. They
have lifts instead. Well, I mean to try and find
a lift by which I may be raised unto God,
for I am too tiny to climb the steep stairway
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of perfection. I have sought to find in Holy Scripture
some suggestion as to what this lift might be, which
I so much desired. And I read these words uttered
by the eternal wisdom itself. Whosoever is a little one,
let him come to me Proverbs nine, verse four. Then
I drew near to God, feeling sure that I had
discovered what I sought, but wishing to know further what
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he would do to the little one. I continued my search,
and this is what I found. You shall be carried
at the breast and upon the knees, as one whom
the Mother caresseth. So will I comfort you Isaiah sixty six,
verse twelve thirteen. Never have I been consoled by words
more tender and sweet thine arms. Then, O, Jesus are
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the lift which must raise me up, even unto Heaven.
To get there, I need not grow. On the contrary,
I must remain little. I must become still less. O,
my God, thou hast gone beyond my expectation, And I
I will sing thy mercies. Thou hast taught me, o Lord,
from my youth, and till now I have declared thy
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wonderful works, and thus unto old age and gray hairs.
Footnote cross reference Psalm seventy seventy one, verse seventeen eighteen
en footnote, what will this old age be for me?
It seems to me that it could as well be
now as later. Two thousand years are no more in
the eyes of the Lord than twenty than a single day.
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But do not think, dear mother, that your child is
anxious to leave you, and deems it a greater grace
to die in the morning rather than in the evening
of life. To please Jesus is what she really values
and desires above all things. Now that He seems to
come near and draw her to his heavenly home, she
is glad. She has understood that God has need of
no one to do good upon earth, still less of
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her than of others. Meanwhile, I know your will, dear Mother.
You wish me to carry out at your side a
work which is both sweet and easy, And this work
I shall complete in heaven. Footnote Soretreres had charge of
the novices without being given the title of novice mistress.
And footnote you have said to me, as our Lord
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said to Saint Peter, feed my lambs. I am amazed,
for I feel that I am so little. I have
entreated you to feed your little lambs yourself, and to
keep me among them. You have complied in part with
my reasonable wish and have called me their companion rather
than their mistress, telling me nevertheless, to lead them through
fertile and shady pastures, to point out where the grass
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is sweet as and best, and warn them against the
brilliant but poisonous flowers, which they must never touch except
a crush underfoot. How is it, dear mother, that my
youth and inexperience have not frightened you? Are you not
afraid that I shall let your lamb stray afar in
acting as you have done? Perhaps you remember that our
Lord is often pleased to give wisdom to little ones
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on this earth. It is rare, indeed, to find souls
who do not measure God's omnipotence by their own narrow thoughts.
The world is always ready to admit exceptions. Everywhere here
below God alone is denied this liberty. It has long
been the custom among men to reckon experience by age.
For in his youth the Holy King David saying to
his Lord, I am young and despised Psalm one eighteen
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one nineteen verse one forty one. But in the same
psalm he does not fear to say, I have had
understanding above old men, because I have sought thy commandments.
Thy word is a lamp to my feet and a
light to my past. I have sworn, and I am
determined to keep the judgments of Thy justice Psalm one
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eighteen one nineteen, verse one hundred one O five one
O six. And you did not even consider it imprudent
to assure me one day that the Divine Master had
enlightened my soul and given me the experience of years.
I am too little now to be guilty of vanity.
I am likewise too little to endeavor to prove my
humility by fine sounding words. I prefer to own in
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all simplicity that He that is mighty hath done great
things to me Luke one, verse forty nine. And the
greatest is that He has shown me my littleness, and
how incapable I am of anything good. My soul has
known trials of many kinds. I have suffered much on
this earth. In my childhood I suffered with sadness, But
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now I find sweetness in all things. Any One but you,
dear Mother, who know me thoroughly, would smile at reading
these pages, For has ever a soul seemed less tried
than mine. But if the martyrdom which I have endured
for the past year were made known, how astonished every
one would be. Since it is your wish, I will
try to describe it, but there are no words really
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to explain these things. The words will always fall short
of the reality. During let last year I felt much
better than ever, and continued so until Holy Week, in
spite of the fast, which I observed in all its rigor.
But in the early hours of Good Friday, Jesus gave
me to hope that I should soon join him in
his beautiful home. How sweet is this memory. I could
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not obtain permission to remain watching at the altar of
Repose throughout the Thursday night, and I returned to our
cell at midnight. Scarcely was my head laid on the
pillow when I felt a hot stream rise to my lips.
I thought I was going to die, and my heart
nearly broke with joy. But as I had already put
out our lamp, I mortified my curiosity until the morning
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and slept in peace. At five o'clock, when it was
time to get up, I remembered at once that I
had some good news to learn, and going to the window,
I found, as I had expected, that our handkerchief was
soaked with blood. Dearest mother, what hope was mine? I
was firmly convinced that, on this anniversary of his death,
my beloved had allowed me to hear his first call,
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like a sweet, distant murmur, heralding his joyful approach. I
assisted at prime and chapter most fervently, and then I
hastened to cast myself at my mother's knees and confide
to her my happiness. I did not feel the least pain,
so I easily obtained permission to finish Lan as I
had begun, And on this good Friday I shared in
all the austerities of the caramel without any relaxation. Never
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had these austerities seemed sweeter to me. The hope of
soon entering Heaven transported me with joy. Still full of joy,
I returned to our cell on the evening of that
happy day and was quietly falling asleep when my sweet
Jesus gave me the sign. As on the previous night
of my speedy entrance to eternal life, I felt such
a clear and lively faith that the thought of heaven
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was my sole delight. I could not believe it possible
for men to be utterly devoid of faith, and I
was convinced that those who deny the existence of another
world really lie in their hearts. But during the Paschal days,
so full of light, our Lord made me understand that
there really are in truth souls bereft of faith and hope, who,
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through the abuse of grace, lose these precious treasures, the
only source of pure and lasting joy. He allowed my
soul to be overwhelmed with darkness, and the thought of Heaven,
which had consoled me from my earliest childhood, now became
a subject of conflict and torture. This trial did not
last merely for days or weeks. I have been suffering
for months, and I still await deliverance. I wish I
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could express what I feel, but it is beyond me.
One must have passed through this dark tunnel to understand
its blackness. However, I will try to explain it by
means of a comparison. Let me suppose that I had
been born in the land of thick fogs and had
never seen the beauties of nature or a single ray
of sunshine, although I had heard of these wonders from
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my early youth, and knew that the country wherein I
dwelt was not my real home. There was another land,
unto which I should always look forward. Now this is
not a fable invented by an inhabitant of the land
of fog. It is the solemn truth. For the king
of that sunlit country dwelt for three and thirty years
in the land of darkness, and alas the darkness did
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not understand that he was the light of the world.
Footnote cross reference John one, verse five, and footnote But
dear Lord, thy child has understood thou art the light divine.
She asked thy pardon for her unbelieving brethren, and is
willing to eat the bread of sorrow as long as
thou mayst wish for love of thee. She will sit
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at that table of bitterness where these poor sinners take
their food, and she will not stir from it until
thou givest the sign. But may she not say in
her own name and the name of her guilty brethren, O,
God be merciful to us sinners. Footnote cross reference Luke eighteen,
verse thirteen, and footnote send us away justified. May all
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those whom faith does not shine see the light at last? Oh,
my God, If that table which they profane, can be
purified by one that loves THEE. I am willing to
remain there alone, to eat the bread of tears, until
it shall please THEE to bring me to thy kingdom
of light. The only favor I ask is that I
may never give THEE cause for offense. From the time
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of my childhood, I felt that one day I should
be set free from this land of darkness. I believe
it not only because I had been told so by others,
But my heart's most secret and deepest longings assured me
that there was in store for me another and more
beautiful country, an abiding, dwelling place. I was like Christopher Columbus,
whose genius anticipated the discovery of the new world. And
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suddenly the mists about me have penetrated my very soul
and have enveloped me so completely that I cannot even
picture to myself this promised country. All has faded away.
When my heart, weary of the surrounding darkness, tries to
find some rest in the thought of a life to come,
my anguish increases. It seems to me that out of
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the darkness I hear the mocking voice of the unbeliever.
You dream of a land of light and fragrance. You
dream that the creator of these wonders will be yours forever.
You think one day to escape from these mysts where
you now languish, nay, rejoice in death, which will give
you not what I hope for, but a night darker still,
the night of utter nothingness. Dear mother, This description of
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what I suffer is far removed from reality, as the
first rough outline is from the model. But I fear
that to write more were to blaspheme. Even now I
may have said too much. May God forgive me. He
knows that I try to live by faith, though it
does not afford me the lead consolation. I have made
more acts of faith in this last year than during
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all the rest of my life. Each time that my
enemy would provoke me to combat, I behave as a
gallant soldier. I know that a duel is an act
of cowardice, and so without once looking him in the face,
I turn my back on the foe. Then I hasten
to my Savior and vow that I am ready to
shed my blood in witness of my belief in heaven.
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I tell him, if only he will deign to open
it to poor unbelievers. I am content to sacrifice all
pleasure in the thought of it, as long as I live.
And in spite of this trial which roused me of
all comfort, I still can say, Thou hast given me, O, Lord,
delight in all thou dost Psalm ninety one ninety two,
verse five. For what joy can be greater than to
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suffer for Thy love. The more the suffering is, and
the less it appears before men, the more it is
to Thy honor and glory. Even if, but I know
it to be impossible, Thou shouldst not deign to heed
my sufferings. I should still be happy to bear them,
in the hope that by my tears I might perhaps
prevent or atone for one sin against faith. No doubt,
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Dear Mother, will you think I exaggerate somewhat the night
of my soul? If you judge by the poems I
have composed this year, it must seem as though I
have been flooded with consolations, like a child for whom
the veil of faith is almost rent asunder. And yet
it is not a veil. It is a wall which
rises to the very heavens and shuts out the starry sky.
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When I sing of the happiness of heaven and the
eternal possession of God, I do not feel any joy therein,
for I sing only of what I wish to believe.
Sometimes I confess a little ray of sunshine illumines my
dark night, and I enjoy peace for an instant. But
later the remembrance of this ray of light, instead of
consoling me, makes the blackness thicker still. And yet never
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have I felt so deeply how sweet and merciful is
the Lord. He did not send me this heavy cr
when it might have discouraged me, but at a time
when I was able to bear it. Now it simply
takes from me all natural satisfaction I might feel in
my longing for heaven. Dear Mother, it seems to me
that at present there is nothing to impede my upward flight,
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for I have no longer any desire save to love
Him till I die. I am free. I fear nothing,
not even what I dreaded more than anything else, a
long illness which would make me a burden to the community,
should it please the Good God. I am quite content
to have my bodily and mental sufferings prolonged for years.
I do not fear a long life. I do not
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shrink from the struggle. The Lord is the rock upon
which I stand, who teaches my hands to fight and
my fingers to war. He is my protector, and I
have hoped in him Psalm one forty three, one forty four,
verse one two. I have never asked God to let
me die young. It is true I have always thought
I should do so, But it is a favor I
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have not tried to obtain. Our Lord is often content
with the wish to do something for his glory. And
you know the immensity of my desires. You know also
that Jesus has offered me more than one bitter chalice
through my dearly loved sisters. The Holy King David was
right when he sang, behold, how good and how pleasant
it is for brethren to dwell together in unity Psalm
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one thirty two, one thirty three, verse one. But such
unity can only exist upon earth in the midst of sacrifice.
It was not in order to be with my sisters
that I came to this holy caramel. On the contrary,
I knew well that in curbing my natural affection I
should have much to suffer. How can it be said
that it is more perfect to separate oneself from home
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and friends. Has anyone ever reproached brothers who fight side
by side or together when the martyr's palm. It is true,
no doubt, they encourage each other. But it is also
true that the martyrdom of each is a martyrdom to
them all. And so it is in the religious life
theologians call it a martyrdom. A heart given to God
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loses nothing of its natural affection. On the contrary, this
affection grows stronger by becoming purer and more spiritual. It
is with this love, dear Mother, that I love you
and my sisters. I am glad to fight beside you
for the glory of the King of Heaven, but I
am ready to go to another battlefield. Did the Divine
commander but express a wish? An order would not be necessary.
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A simple look a sign would suffice. Ever since I
came to the carmel, I have thought that if our
Lord did not take me quickly to Heaven, my lot
would be that of nose dove, and that one day
he would open the window of the ark and bid
me fly to heathen lands bearing the olive branch. This
thought has helped me to soar above all created things,
knowing that even in the caramel there must be partings.
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I tried to make my abode in heaven, and I
accepted not only exile in the midst of an unknown people,
but what was far more bitter. I accepted exile for
my sins, and indeed two of them were asked for
by the Caramel of Saigon, our own foundation. For a
time there was serious question of their being sent, and
I would not say a word to hold them back,
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though my heart ached at the thought of the trials
awaiting them. Now all that is at an end. The
superiors were absolutely opposed to their departure, and I only
touched the cup with my lips long enough to taste
of its bitterness. Let me tell you, dear mother, why,
if our lady cures me, I wish to respond to
the call from our mothers of Hanoi. It appears that
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to live in foreign caramels, a very special vocation is needed,
and many souls think they are called without being so.
In reality, you have told me that I have this vocation,
and that my health alone stands in the way. But
if I am destined one day to leave this Caramel.
It will not be without a pang. My heart is
naturally sensitive, and because this is a cause of much suffering,
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I wish to offer Jesus whatsoever it can bear. Here
I am loved by you and all the sisters, and
this love is very sweet to me. And I dream
of a convent where I should be unknown, where I
should taste the bitterness of exile. I know only too
well how useless I am, and so it is not
for the sake of the services I might render to
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the Caramel of Hanoi that I would leave all that
is dearest to me. My sole reason would be to
do God's will and sacrifice myself for him. And I
should not suffer any disappointment, For when we expect nothing
but suffering, then the least joy is a surprise, and
later on suffering itself becomes the greatest of all joys
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when we seek it as a precious treasure. But I
know I shall never recover from this sickness, and yet
I am at peace. For years I have not belonged
to myself. I have surrendered myself wholly to Jesus, and
he is free to do with me whatsoever he pleases.
He has spoken to me of exile, and has asked
me if I would consent to drink of that chalice.
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At once I essayed to grasp, but he, withdrawing his hand,
showed me that my consent was all he desired. O,
my God, from how much disquiet do we free ourselves
by the vow of obedience? Happy is the simple religious,
her one guide being the will of her superiors. She
is ever sure of following the right path and has
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no fear of being mistaken, even when it seems that
her superiors are making a mistake. But if she ceases
to consult the unerring compass, then at once her soul
goes astray in barren wastes, where the waters of grace
quickly fail. Dear Mother, you are the compass Jesus has
given me to direct me safely to the eternal shore.
I find it most sweet to fix my eyes upon
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you and then do the will of my Lord. By
allowing me to suffer these temptations against faith, he has
greatly increased the spirit of faith, which makes me see
Him living in your soul, and through you communicating his
holy commands. I am well aware that you lighten the
burden of obedience for me. But deep in my heart
art I feel that my attitude would not change, nor
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would my filial affection grow less, were you to treat
me with severity. And this because I should still see
the will of God manifesting itself in another way for
the greater good of my soul. Among the numberless graces
that I have received this year, not the least of
which is an understanding of how far reaching is the
precept of charity. I had never before fathomed these words
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of our Lord. The second commandment is like the first,
thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself Matthew twenty two,
verse thirty nine. I had set myself above all to
love God, and it was in loving Him that I
discovered the hidden meaning of these other words. It is
not those who say, Lord, Lord, who enter into the
Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the will of
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my Father. Footnote cross reference Matthew seven, verse twenty one, end. Footnote.
Jesus revealed me this will when at the Last Supper
he gave his new commandment in telling his apostle too
love one another. He had loved them. Footnote cross reference
John thirteen, verse thirty four and footnote. I set myself
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to find out how he had loved his apostles, and
I saw that it was not for their natural qualities,
for they were ignorant men, full of earthly ideas. And
yet he calls them his friends, his brethren. He desires
to see them near him in the kingdom of his father,
and in order to admit them to this kingdom, he
wills to die on the cross, saying greater love than this.
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No man hath that a man laid down his life
for his friends. John fifteen, verse twelve. As I meditated
on these divine words, I saw how imperfect was the
love I bore my sister's religion. I understood that I
did not love them as our Lord loves them. I
know now that true charity consists in bearing all our
neighbor's defects, not being surprised at their weakness, but edified
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at their smallest virtues. Above all, I know that charity
must not remain shut up in the heart. For no
man lighteth the candle and putteth it in a hidden place,
nor under a bushel, but upon a candlestick, that they
who came in may see the light. Luke eleven, verse
thirty three. It seems to me, dear Mother, this candle
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represents that charity which enlightens and gladdens not only those
who are dear to us, but all those who are
of the household. In the old law, when God told
his people to love their neighbor as themselves, he had
not yet come down upon earth, and, knowing full well
how man loves himself, he could not ask anything greater.
But when our Lord gave his apostles a new commandment,
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his own commandment, John fifteen, verse twelve, he was not
content with saying thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,
but would have them love even as he had loved,
and as he will love till the end of time. Oh,
my Jesus, thou dost never ask what is impossible. Thou
knowest better than I how frail and imperfect I am,
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And thou knowest that I shall never love my sisters
as thou hast loved them, unless within me thou lovest them.
Dear Lord, it is because thou dost desire to grant
me this grace that thou hast given a new commandment. Oh,
how I love it, Since I am assured thereby that
it is Thy will to love in me all those
thou dost bid me love. Yes, I know when I
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show charity to others, it is simply Jesus acting in me.
And the more closely I am united to Him, the
more dearly I love my sisters. If I wish to
increase this love in my heart, and the devil tries
to bring before me the defects of a sister, I
hasten to look for her virtues, her good motives. I
call to mind that though I may have seen her
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fall once, no doubt she has gained many victories over herself,
which in her humility she conceals. It is even possible
that what seems to me a fault may, very likely,
on account of her good intention, be an act of virtue.
I have no difficulty in persuading myself of this, because
I have had the same experience. One day, during recreation,
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the portress came to ask for a sister to help her.
I had a childish longing to do this work, and
it happened the choice fell upon me. I therefore began
to fold up our needlework, but so slowly that my neighbor,
who I knew would like to take my place was
ready before me. The sister who had asked for help,
seeing how deliberate I was, said laughingly, I thought you
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would not add this pearl to your crown. You are
so extremely slow, And all the community thought I had
yielded to natural reluctance. I cannot tell you what profit
I derived from this incident, and it made me indulgent
towards others. It still checks any feelings of vanity when
I am praised, for I reflect that, since my small
acts of virtue can be mistaken for imperfections, why should
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not my imperfections be mistaken for virtue? And I say
with Saint Paul to me, it is a very small
thing to be judged by you or by man's day.
But neither do I judge myself. He that judgeth me
is the Lord one Corinthians four, verse three four. And
it is the Lord. It is Jesus who is my judge.
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Therefore I will try always to think leniently of others,
that he may judge me leniently, or rather not at all,
since he says, judge not, and ye shall not be
judged Luke six, verse thirty seven. But returning to the
Holy Gospel, where our Lord explains to me clearly in
what his new commandment consists. I read in Saint Matthew,
(28:30):
you have heard that it hath been said thou shalt
love thy neighbor and hate thy enemy. But I say
unto you, love your enemies and pray for them that
persecute you, Matthew five, verse forty three, forty four. There are,
of course no enemies in the carmel. But after all
we have our natural likes and dislikes. We may feel
(28:51):
drawn towards one sister, and may be tempted to go
a long way round to avoid meeting another. Well, our
Lord tells me that this is the sister to love
pray for, even though her behavior may make me imagine
she does not care for me. If you love them
that love you, what thanks are to you? For sinners
also love those who love them Luke six, verse thirty two.
(29:14):
And it is not enough to love. We must prove
our love Naturally. One likes to please a friend, but
that is not charity, for sinners do the same. Our
Lord also taught me give to everyone that asketh thee,
and of him that taketh away thy goods, ask them
not again, Luke six verse thirty. To give to everyone
who asks is not so pleasant as to give a
(29:36):
one's own accord. If we are asked pleasantly, it is
easy to give. But if we are asked discurteously, then
unless we are in perfect charity, there is an inward rebellion,
and we find no end of excuses for refusing. Perhaps,
after first pointing out the rudeness of the request, we
make such a favor of consenting there too, that the
(29:56):
slight service takes far less time to perform than was
lost in arguing the point. And if it is difficult
to give to whosoever asks, it is far more difficult
to let what belongs to us to be taken without
asking it again. Dear mother, I say this is hard,
but I should rather say that it seems hard, for
the yoke of the Lord is sweet and his burden
(30:17):
light Matthew eleven, verse thirty. And when we submit to
that yoke we at once feel its sweetness. I have said,
Jesus does not wish me to ask again for what
is my own? This ought to seem quite easy, for
in reality nothing is mine. I ought then to be
glad when an occasion arises which brings home to me
the poverty to which I am vowed. I used to
(30:40):
think myself completely detached, But since our Lord's words have
become clear, I see that I am indeed very imperfect.
For instance, when starting to paint, if I find the
brushes in disorder and a ruler or penknife gone, I
feel inclined to lose patience and have to keep a
firm hold over myself, not to betray my feelings. Of course,
(31:01):
I may ask for these needful things, and if I
do so humbly, I am not disobeying our Lord's command.
I am then like the poor, who hold out their
hands for the necessaries of life, and if refused, are
not surprised, since no one owes them anything. Deep peace
inundates the soul when it soars above mere natural sediments.
There is no joy equal to that which is shared
(31:23):
by the truly poor in spirit. If they ask with
detachment for something necessary, and not only is it refused,
but an attempt is made to take away what they
already possess. They are following the Master's advice. If any
man will take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak.
Also Matthew five, verse forty to give up one's cloak.
(31:45):
Is it seems to me to renounce every right and
to regard one's self as the servant the slave of all.
Without a cloak, it is easier to walk or run.
And so the Master adds, and whosoever shall force thee
to go one mile, go with him other two Matthew five,
verse forty one. It is therefore not enough for me
(32:06):
to give to whoever asks. I ought to anticipate the
wish and show myself glad to be of service. But
if anything of mine be taken away, I should show
myself glad to be rid of it. I cannot always
carry out to the letter the words of the Gospel,
for there are occasions when I am compelled to refuse
some request. Yet when charity is deeply rooted in the soul,
(32:29):
it lets itself be outwardly seen. And there is a
way of refusing so graciously what one is unable to give,
that the refusal affords as much pleasure as the gift
would have done. It is true that people do not
hesitate to ask from those who readily oblige. Nevertheless, I
ought not to avoid inopportune sisters on the pretext that
I shall be forced to refuse. The Divine Master has
(32:52):
said from him that would borrow of thee turn not
away Matthew five, verse forty two. Nor should I be
kind in order to appear so, or in the hope
that the sister will return the service. For once more,
it is written, if you lend to them of whom
you hope to receive, what thanks are to you. For
sinners also lend to sinners for to receive as much.
(33:15):
But you do good and lend, hoping for nothing thereby,
and your reward shall be great Luke six, verse thirty
four thirty five. Verily, the reward is great even on earth.
In this path. It is only the first step which costs.
To lend without hope of being repaid seems hard. One
would rather give outright, for what you give is no
(33:37):
longer yours. When a sister says, confidently, I want your
help for some hours, I have our mothers leave, and
be assured I will do as much for you later,
one may know well that these hours lent will not
be repaid, and be sorely tempted to say I prefer
to give them, But that would gratify self love. Besides
(33:58):
letting the sister feel that you do not reach lie
much on her promise. The divine precepts run contrary to
our natural inclinations, and without the help of grace, it
would be impossible to understand them, far less to put
them in practice. Dear Mother, I feel that I have
expressed myself with more than usual confusion, and I do
not know what you can find to interest you in
(34:19):
these rambling pages. But I am not aiming at a
literary masterpiece. And if I weary you by this discourse
on charity, it will at least prove your child's goodwill.
I must confess I am far from living up to
my ideal, and yet the very desire to do so
gives me a feeling of peace. If I fall into
some fault, I arise again at once, and for some
(34:42):
months now I have not even had to struggle. I
have been able to say, with our Holy Father, Saint
John of the Cross, my house is entirely at peace.
And I attribute this interior piece to a victory I
gained over myself. Since that victory, the hosts of heaven
have hastened to my aid, for they will not allow
me to be wounded now that I have fought so
(35:04):
valiantly a holy None of our community annoyed me in
all that she did. The devil must have had something
to do with it, and he, it was, undoubtedly, who
made me see in her so many disagreeable points. I
did not want to yield to my natural antipathy, for
I remember that charity ought to betray itself in deeds
(35:24):
and not exist merely in the feelings. So I set
myself to do for this sister all I should do
for the one I loved most. Every time I met her,
I prayed for her and offered to God her virtues
and merits. I felt that this was very pleasing to
our Lord, for there is no artist who is not
gratified when his works are praised, and the divine artist
(35:45):
of souls is pleased when we do not stop at
the exterior, but penetrating to the interior sanctuary he has
chosen admire its beauty. I did not rest satisfied with
praying for this sister, who gave me such occasions for
self manas master. I tried to render her as many
services as I could, and when tempted to answer her sharply,
(36:06):
I made haste to smile and change the subject, for
the imitation says it is more profitable to leave every
one to his way of thinking than to give way
to contentious discourses. And sometimes, when the temptation was very severe,
I would run like a deserter from the battlefield if
I could do so without letting the sister guess my
inward struggle. One day, she said to me with a
(36:28):
beaming face, my dear sore Therese, tell me what attraction
you find in me, For whenever we meet, you greet
me with such a sweet smile. Ah. What attracted me
was Jesus hidden in the depths of her soul, Jesus
who maketh sweet even that which is most bitter. I
spoke just now, dear mother, of the flight that is
my last resource to escape defeat. It is not honorable,
(36:52):
I confess, but during my novitiate, whenever I had recourse
to this means, it invariably succeeded. I will give you
a striking example, which will I am sure amuse you.
You had been ill with bronchitis for several days, and
we were all uneasy about you. One morning, in my
duty a Sacristan. I came to put back the keys
(37:14):
of the communion, grating this was my work, and I
was very pleased to have an opportunity of seeing you,
though I took good care not to show it. One
of the sisters, full of solicitude, feared I should awake you,
and tried to take the keys from me. I told
her as politely as I could that I was quite
as anxious as she was. There should be no noise,
(37:35):
and added that it was my right to return them.
I see now that it would have been more perfect
simply to yield, but I did not see it then,
and so I followed her into the room. Very soon
what she feared came to pass. The noise did awaken you.
All the blame fell upon me. The sister I had
argued with began a long discourse of which the point
(37:57):
was soretrese made all the noise. I was burning to
defend myself, but a happy inspiration of grace came to me.
I thought that if I began to justify myself, I
should certainly lose my peace of mind, And as I
had too little virtue to let myself be unjustly accused
without answering, my last chance of safety lay in flight.
(38:18):
No sooner thought than done. I hurried away, but my
heart beat so violently I could not go far, and
I was obliged to sit down on the stairs to
enjoy inquiet the fruit of my victory. This is an
odd kind of courage, undoubtedly, but I think it is
best not to expose oneself in the face of certain defeat.
When I recall these days of my novitiate, I understand
(38:41):
how far I was from perfection, And the memory of
certain things makes me laugh. How good God has been
to have trained my soul and given it wings. All
the snares of the hunter can no longer frighten me,
For a net is spread in vain before the eyes
of them that have wings. Proverbs one verse twey. It
(39:01):
may be that some day my present state will appear
to me full of defects. But nothing now surprises me,
and I do not even distress myself because I am
so weak. On the contrary, I glory therein and expect
each day to find fresh imperfections. Nay, I must confess,
these lights on my own nothingness are of more good
(39:21):
to my soul than lights on matters of faith. Remembering
that charity covereth a multitude of sins Proverbs ten, verse twelve.
I draw from this rich mind which our Savior has
opened to us in the Gospels. I search the depths
of his adorable words and cry out with David. I
have run in the way of thy commandments, since thou
(39:42):
hast enlarged my heart Psalms one eighteen one nineteen, verse
thirty two. And charity alone can make wide the heart,
Oh Jesus, since its sweet flame consumes my heart. I
run with delight in the way of thy new commandment,
and I desire to run therein until that blessed day,
when with thy company of virgins, I shall follow THEE
(40:04):
through thy boundless realm, singing thy new canticle, the Canticle
of Love. End of Chapter nine.
Chapter nine of the Story of a Soul. This is
a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.
For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org.
Recording by Anne Boulat, The Story of a Soul, The
Autobiography of Saint Terrez of Le Sieux, translated by Thomas Taylor,
(00:23):
Chapter nine, The Knight of the Soul. Dear Mother, I
thought I had written enough, and now you wish for
more details of my religious life. I will not argue,
but I cannot help smiling when I have to tell
you things that you know quite as well as I do. Nevertheless,
I will obey. I do not ask what use this
manuscript can be to any one. I assure you that
(00:46):
even were you to burn it before my eyes without
having read it, I should not mind in the least.
The opinion is not uncommon in the community that you
have always indulged me ever since I entered the convent. However,
man and seeth those things that appear, but the Lord
beholdeth the heart First Kings sixteen, verse seven. Dear Mother,
(01:08):
once again, I thank you for not having spared me.
Jesus knew well that his little flower needed the life
giving water of humiliation. It was too weak to take
root otherwise, And to you it owes so great a blessing.
But for some months the Divine Master has entirely changed
his method of cultivating his little flower. Finding no doubt
that it has been sufficiently watered, he now allows it
(01:31):
to expand under the warm rays of a brilliant sun.
He smiles on it, and this favor also comes through you,
dear mother. But far from doing it harm, those smiles
make the little flower grow in a wondrous way. Deep
down in its heart, it treasures those precious drops of dew,
the mortifications of other days, and they remind it that
it is small and frail. Even were all creatures to
(01:54):
draw near to admire and flatter it, that would not
add a shade of idle satisfaction to the true joy
which thrills it on realizing that in God's eyes it
is but a poor, worthless thing, and nothing more. When
I say that I am indifferent to praise, I am
not speaking, dear Mother, of the love and confidence you
show me. On the contrary, I am deeply touched thereby.
(02:16):
But I feel that I have now nothing to fear,
and I can listen to those praises unperturbed, attributing to
God all that is good in me. If it please
Him to make me appear better than I am, it
is nothing to me. He can act as he will,
My God, How many ways dost thou lead souls? We
read of saints who left absolutely nothing at their death,
(02:38):
not the least thing by which to remember them, not
even a single line of writing. And there are others,
like our Holy mother, Saint Teresa, who have enriched the
church with their sublime teaching, and have not hesitated to
reveal the secrets of the King Tobias twelve, verse seven,
that he may be better known and better loved. Which
(02:58):
of these two ways is more pleasing to our Lord?
It seems to me that they are equally so. All
those beloved by God have followed the inspiration of the
Holy Ghost, who commanded the prophets to write, tell the
just man that all is well? Footnote cross reference Isaiah's
three verse ten and footnote Yes, all is well when
(03:20):
one seeks only the Master's will. And so I, poor
little flower, obey my Jesus, when I try to please you,
who represent Him here on earth. You know it has
ever been my desire to become a saint. But I
have always felt, in comparing myself with the saints, that
I am as far removed from them as the grain
of sand which the passer by tramples under foot is
(03:42):
remote from the mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds.
Instead of being discouraged, I conclude that God would not
inspire desires which could not be realized, and that I
may aspire to sanctity in spite of my littleness. For
me to become great is impossible. I must bear with
myself and my many imperfections. But I will seek out
(04:03):
a means of getting to Heaven by a little way,
very short and very straight, a little way that is
wholly new. We live in an age of inventions. Nowadays
the rich need not trouble to climb the stairs. They
have lifts instead. Well, I mean to try and find
a lift by which I may be raised unto God,
for I am too tiny to climb the steep stairway
(04:24):
of perfection. I have sought to find in Holy Scripture
some suggestion as to what this lift might be, which
I so much desired. And I read these words uttered
by the eternal wisdom itself. Whosoever is a little one,
let him come to me Proverbs nine, verse four. Then
I drew near to God, feeling sure that I had
discovered what I sought, but wishing to know further what
(04:47):
he would do to the little one. I continued my search,
and this is what I found. You shall be carried
at the breast and upon the knees, as one whom
the Mother caresseth. So will I comfort you Isaiah sixty six,
verse twelve thirteen. Never have I been consoled by words
more tender and sweet thine arms. Then, O, Jesus are
(05:10):
the lift which must raise me up, even unto Heaven.
To get there, I need not grow. On the contrary,
I must remain little. I must become still less. O,
my God, thou hast gone beyond my expectation, And I
I will sing thy mercies. Thou hast taught me, o Lord,
from my youth, and till now I have declared thy
(05:30):
wonderful works, and thus unto old age and gray hairs.
Footnote cross reference Psalm seventy seventy one, verse seventeen eighteen
en footnote, what will this old age be for me?
It seems to me that it could as well be
now as later. Two thousand years are no more in
the eyes of the Lord than twenty than a single day.
(05:53):
But do not think, dear mother, that your child is
anxious to leave you, and deems it a greater grace
to die in the morning rather than in the evening
of life. To please Jesus is what she really values
and desires above all things. Now that He seems to
come near and draw her to his heavenly home, she
is glad. She has understood that God has need of
no one to do good upon earth, still less of
(06:16):
her than of others. Meanwhile, I know your will, dear Mother.
You wish me to carry out at your side a
work which is both sweet and easy, And this work
I shall complete in heaven. Footnote Soretreres had charge of
the novices without being given the title of novice mistress.
And footnote you have said to me, as our Lord
(06:37):
said to Saint Peter, feed my lambs. I am amazed,
for I feel that I am so little. I have
entreated you to feed your little lambs yourself, and to
keep me among them. You have complied in part with
my reasonable wish and have called me their companion rather
than their mistress, telling me nevertheless, to lead them through
fertile and shady pastures, to point out where the grass
(06:59):
is sweet as and best, and warn them against the
brilliant but poisonous flowers, which they must never touch except
a crush underfoot. How is it, dear mother, that my
youth and inexperience have not frightened you? Are you not
afraid that I shall let your lamb stray afar in
acting as you have done? Perhaps you remember that our
Lord is often pleased to give wisdom to little ones
(07:21):
on this earth. It is rare, indeed, to find souls
who do not measure God's omnipotence by their own narrow thoughts.
The world is always ready to admit exceptions. Everywhere here
below God alone is denied this liberty. It has long
been the custom among men to reckon experience by age.
For in his youth the Holy King David saying to
his Lord, I am young and despised Psalm one eighteen
(07:45):
one nineteen verse one forty one. But in the same
psalm he does not fear to say, I have had
understanding above old men, because I have sought thy commandments.
Thy word is a lamp to my feet and a
light to my past. I have sworn, and I am
determined to keep the judgments of Thy justice Psalm one
(08:05):
eighteen one nineteen, verse one hundred one O five one
O six. And you did not even consider it imprudent
to assure me one day that the Divine Master had
enlightened my soul and given me the experience of years.
I am too little now to be guilty of vanity.
I am likewise too little to endeavor to prove my
humility by fine sounding words. I prefer to own in
(08:29):
all simplicity that He that is mighty hath done great
things to me Luke one, verse forty nine. And the
greatest is that He has shown me my littleness, and
how incapable I am of anything good. My soul has
known trials of many kinds. I have suffered much on
this earth. In my childhood I suffered with sadness, But
(08:49):
now I find sweetness in all things. Any One but you,
dear Mother, who know me thoroughly, would smile at reading
these pages, For has ever a soul seemed less tried
than mine. But if the martyrdom which I have endured
for the past year were made known, how astonished every
one would be. Since it is your wish, I will
try to describe it, but there are no words really
(09:11):
to explain these things. The words will always fall short
of the reality. During let last year I felt much
better than ever, and continued so until Holy Week, in
spite of the fast, which I observed in all its rigor.
But in the early hours of Good Friday, Jesus gave
me to hope that I should soon join him in
his beautiful home. How sweet is this memory. I could
(09:33):
not obtain permission to remain watching at the altar of
Repose throughout the Thursday night, and I returned to our
cell at midnight. Scarcely was my head laid on the
pillow when I felt a hot stream rise to my lips.
I thought I was going to die, and my heart
nearly broke with joy. But as I had already put
out our lamp, I mortified my curiosity until the morning
(09:55):
and slept in peace. At five o'clock, when it was
time to get up, I remembered at once that I
had some good news to learn, and going to the window,
I found, as I had expected, that our handkerchief was
soaked with blood. Dearest mother, what hope was mine? I
was firmly convinced that, on this anniversary of his death,
my beloved had allowed me to hear his first call,
(10:17):
like a sweet, distant murmur, heralding his joyful approach. I
assisted at prime and chapter most fervently, and then I
hastened to cast myself at my mother's knees and confide
to her my happiness. I did not feel the least pain,
so I easily obtained permission to finish Lan as I
had begun, And on this good Friday I shared in
all the austerities of the caramel without any relaxation. Never
(10:41):
had these austerities seemed sweeter to me. The hope of
soon entering Heaven transported me with joy. Still full of joy,
I returned to our cell on the evening of that
happy day and was quietly falling asleep when my sweet
Jesus gave me the sign. As on the previous night
of my speedy entrance to eternal life, I felt such
a clear and lively faith that the thought of heaven
(11:03):
was my sole delight. I could not believe it possible
for men to be utterly devoid of faith, and I
was convinced that those who deny the existence of another
world really lie in their hearts. But during the Paschal days,
so full of light, our Lord made me understand that
there really are in truth souls bereft of faith and hope, who,
(11:24):
through the abuse of grace, lose these precious treasures, the
only source of pure and lasting joy. He allowed my
soul to be overwhelmed with darkness, and the thought of Heaven,
which had consoled me from my earliest childhood, now became
a subject of conflict and torture. This trial did not
last merely for days or weeks. I have been suffering
for months, and I still await deliverance. I wish I
(11:47):
could express what I feel, but it is beyond me.
One must have passed through this dark tunnel to understand
its blackness. However, I will try to explain it by
means of a comparison. Let me suppose that I had
been born in the land of thick fogs and had
never seen the beauties of nature or a single ray
of sunshine, although I had heard of these wonders from
(12:08):
my early youth, and knew that the country wherein I
dwelt was not my real home. There was another land,
unto which I should always look forward. Now this is
not a fable invented by an inhabitant of the land
of fog. It is the solemn truth. For the king
of that sunlit country dwelt for three and thirty years
in the land of darkness, and alas the darkness did
(12:30):
not understand that he was the light of the world.
Footnote cross reference John one, verse five, and footnote But
dear Lord, thy child has understood thou art the light divine.
She asked thy pardon for her unbelieving brethren, and is
willing to eat the bread of sorrow as long as
thou mayst wish for love of thee. She will sit
(12:51):
at that table of bitterness where these poor sinners take
their food, and she will not stir from it until
thou givest the sign. But may she not say in
her own name and the name of her guilty brethren, O,
God be merciful to us sinners. Footnote cross reference Luke eighteen,
verse thirteen, and footnote send us away justified. May all
(13:13):
those whom faith does not shine see the light at last? Oh,
my God, If that table which they profane, can be
purified by one that loves THEE. I am willing to
remain there alone, to eat the bread of tears, until
it shall please THEE to bring me to thy kingdom
of light. The only favor I ask is that I
may never give THEE cause for offense. From the time
(13:35):
of my childhood, I felt that one day I should
be set free from this land of darkness. I believe
it not only because I had been told so by others,
But my heart's most secret and deepest longings assured me
that there was in store for me another and more
beautiful country, an abiding, dwelling place. I was like Christopher Columbus,
whose genius anticipated the discovery of the new world. And
(13:58):
suddenly the mists about me have penetrated my very soul
and have enveloped me so completely that I cannot even
picture to myself this promised country. All has faded away.
When my heart, weary of the surrounding darkness, tries to
find some rest in the thought of a life to come,
my anguish increases. It seems to me that out of
(14:19):
the darkness I hear the mocking voice of the unbeliever.
You dream of a land of light and fragrance. You
dream that the creator of these wonders will be yours forever.
You think one day to escape from these mysts where
you now languish, nay, rejoice in death, which will give
you not what I hope for, but a night darker still,
the night of utter nothingness. Dear mother, This description of
(14:43):
what I suffer is far removed from reality, as the
first rough outline is from the model. But I fear
that to write more were to blaspheme. Even now I
may have said too much. May God forgive me. He
knows that I try to live by faith, though it
does not afford me the lead consolation. I have made
more acts of faith in this last year than during
(15:04):
all the rest of my life. Each time that my
enemy would provoke me to combat, I behave as a
gallant soldier. I know that a duel is an act
of cowardice, and so without once looking him in the face,
I turn my back on the foe. Then I hasten
to my Savior and vow that I am ready to
shed my blood in witness of my belief in heaven.
(15:25):
I tell him, if only he will deign to open
it to poor unbelievers. I am content to sacrifice all
pleasure in the thought of it, as long as I live.
And in spite of this trial which roused me of
all comfort, I still can say, Thou hast given me, O, Lord,
delight in all thou dost Psalm ninety one ninety two,
verse five. For what joy can be greater than to
(15:48):
suffer for Thy love. The more the suffering is, and
the less it appears before men, the more it is
to Thy honor and glory. Even if, but I know
it to be impossible, Thou shouldst not deign to heed
my sufferings. I should still be happy to bear them,
in the hope that by my tears I might perhaps
prevent or atone for one sin against faith. No doubt,
(16:10):
Dear Mother, will you think I exaggerate somewhat the night
of my soul? If you judge by the poems I
have composed this year, it must seem as though I
have been flooded with consolations, like a child for whom
the veil of faith is almost rent asunder. And yet
it is not a veil. It is a wall which
rises to the very heavens and shuts out the starry sky.
(16:30):
When I sing of the happiness of heaven and the
eternal possession of God, I do not feel any joy therein,
for I sing only of what I wish to believe.
Sometimes I confess a little ray of sunshine illumines my
dark night, and I enjoy peace for an instant. But
later the remembrance of this ray of light, instead of
consoling me, makes the blackness thicker still. And yet never
(16:54):
have I felt so deeply how sweet and merciful is
the Lord. He did not send me this heavy cr
when it might have discouraged me, but at a time
when I was able to bear it. Now it simply
takes from me all natural satisfaction I might feel in
my longing for heaven. Dear Mother, it seems to me
that at present there is nothing to impede my upward flight,
(17:15):
for I have no longer any desire save to love
Him till I die. I am free. I fear nothing,
not even what I dreaded more than anything else, a
long illness which would make me a burden to the community,
should it please the Good God. I am quite content
to have my bodily and mental sufferings prolonged for years.
I do not fear a long life. I do not
(17:36):
shrink from the struggle. The Lord is the rock upon
which I stand, who teaches my hands to fight and
my fingers to war. He is my protector, and I
have hoped in him Psalm one forty three, one forty four,
verse one two. I have never asked God to let
me die young. It is true I have always thought
I should do so, But it is a favor I
(17:59):
have not tried to obtain. Our Lord is often content
with the wish to do something for his glory. And
you know the immensity of my desires. You know also
that Jesus has offered me more than one bitter chalice
through my dearly loved sisters. The Holy King David was
right when he sang, behold, how good and how pleasant
it is for brethren to dwell together in unity Psalm
(18:21):
one thirty two, one thirty three, verse one. But such
unity can only exist upon earth in the midst of sacrifice.
It was not in order to be with my sisters
that I came to this holy caramel. On the contrary,
I knew well that in curbing my natural affection I
should have much to suffer. How can it be said
that it is more perfect to separate oneself from home
(18:42):
and friends. Has anyone ever reproached brothers who fight side
by side or together when the martyr's palm. It is true,
no doubt, they encourage each other. But it is also
true that the martyrdom of each is a martyrdom to
them all. And so it is in the religious life
theologians call it a martyrdom. A heart given to God
(19:04):
loses nothing of its natural affection. On the contrary, this
affection grows stronger by becoming purer and more spiritual. It
is with this love, dear Mother, that I love you
and my sisters. I am glad to fight beside you
for the glory of the King of Heaven, but I
am ready to go to another battlefield. Did the Divine
commander but express a wish? An order would not be necessary.
(19:27):
A simple look a sign would suffice. Ever since I
came to the carmel, I have thought that if our
Lord did not take me quickly to Heaven, my lot
would be that of nose dove, and that one day
he would open the window of the ark and bid
me fly to heathen lands bearing the olive branch. This
thought has helped me to soar above all created things,
knowing that even in the caramel there must be partings.
(19:50):
I tried to make my abode in heaven, and I
accepted not only exile in the midst of an unknown people,
but what was far more bitter. I accepted exile for
my sins, and indeed two of them were asked for
by the Caramel of Saigon, our own foundation. For a
time there was serious question of their being sent, and
I would not say a word to hold them back,
(20:12):
though my heart ached at the thought of the trials
awaiting them. Now all that is at an end. The
superiors were absolutely opposed to their departure, and I only
touched the cup with my lips long enough to taste
of its bitterness. Let me tell you, dear mother, why,
if our lady cures me, I wish to respond to
the call from our mothers of Hanoi. It appears that
(20:32):
to live in foreign caramels, a very special vocation is needed,
and many souls think they are called without being so.
In reality, you have told me that I have this vocation,
and that my health alone stands in the way. But
if I am destined one day to leave this Caramel.
It will not be without a pang. My heart is
naturally sensitive, and because this is a cause of much suffering,
(20:55):
I wish to offer Jesus whatsoever it can bear. Here
I am loved by you and all the sisters, and
this love is very sweet to me. And I dream
of a convent where I should be unknown, where I
should taste the bitterness of exile. I know only too
well how useless I am, and so it is not
for the sake of the services I might render to
(21:15):
the Caramel of Hanoi that I would leave all that
is dearest to me. My sole reason would be to
do God's will and sacrifice myself for him. And I
should not suffer any disappointment, For when we expect nothing
but suffering, then the least joy is a surprise, and
later on suffering itself becomes the greatest of all joys
(21:36):
when we seek it as a precious treasure. But I
know I shall never recover from this sickness, and yet
I am at peace. For years I have not belonged
to myself. I have surrendered myself wholly to Jesus, and
he is free to do with me whatsoever he pleases.
He has spoken to me of exile, and has asked
me if I would consent to drink of that chalice.
(21:58):
At once I essayed to grasp, but he, withdrawing his hand,
showed me that my consent was all he desired. O,
my God, from how much disquiet do we free ourselves
by the vow of obedience? Happy is the simple religious,
her one guide being the will of her superiors. She
is ever sure of following the right path and has
(22:18):
no fear of being mistaken, even when it seems that
her superiors are making a mistake. But if she ceases
to consult the unerring compass, then at once her soul
goes astray in barren wastes, where the waters of grace
quickly fail. Dear Mother, you are the compass Jesus has
given me to direct me safely to the eternal shore.
I find it most sweet to fix my eyes upon
(22:41):
you and then do the will of my Lord. By
allowing me to suffer these temptations against faith, he has
greatly increased the spirit of faith, which makes me see
Him living in your soul, and through you communicating his
holy commands. I am well aware that you lighten the
burden of obedience for me. But deep in my heart
art I feel that my attitude would not change, nor
(23:02):
would my filial affection grow less, were you to treat
me with severity. And this because I should still see
the will of God manifesting itself in another way for
the greater good of my soul. Among the numberless graces
that I have received this year, not the least of
which is an understanding of how far reaching is the
precept of charity. I had never before fathomed these words
(23:24):
of our Lord. The second commandment is like the first,
thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself Matthew twenty two,
verse thirty nine. I had set myself above all to
love God, and it was in loving Him that I
discovered the hidden meaning of these other words. It is
not those who say, Lord, Lord, who enter into the
Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the will of
(23:46):
my Father. Footnote cross reference Matthew seven, verse twenty one, end. Footnote.
Jesus revealed me this will when at the Last Supper
he gave his new commandment in telling his apostle too
love one another. He had loved them. Footnote cross reference
John thirteen, verse thirty four and footnote. I set myself
(24:08):
to find out how he had loved his apostles, and
I saw that it was not for their natural qualities,
for they were ignorant men, full of earthly ideas. And
yet he calls them his friends, his brethren. He desires
to see them near him in the kingdom of his father,
and in order to admit them to this kingdom, he
wills to die on the cross, saying greater love than this.
(24:30):
No man hath that a man laid down his life
for his friends. John fifteen, verse twelve. As I meditated
on these divine words, I saw how imperfect was the
love I bore my sister's religion. I understood that I
did not love them as our Lord loves them. I
know now that true charity consists in bearing all our
neighbor's defects, not being surprised at their weakness, but edified
(24:54):
at their smallest virtues. Above all, I know that charity
must not remain shut up in the heart. For no
man lighteth the candle and putteth it in a hidden place,
nor under a bushel, but upon a candlestick, that they
who came in may see the light. Luke eleven, verse
thirty three. It seems to me, dear Mother, this candle
(25:14):
represents that charity which enlightens and gladdens not only those
who are dear to us, but all those who are
of the household. In the old law, when God told
his people to love their neighbor as themselves, he had
not yet come down upon earth, and, knowing full well
how man loves himself, he could not ask anything greater.
But when our Lord gave his apostles a new commandment,
(25:37):
his own commandment, John fifteen, verse twelve, he was not
content with saying thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,
but would have them love even as he had loved,
and as he will love till the end of time. Oh,
my Jesus, thou dost never ask what is impossible. Thou
knowest better than I how frail and imperfect I am,
(25:59):
And thou knowest that I shall never love my sisters
as thou hast loved them, unless within me thou lovest them.
Dear Lord, it is because thou dost desire to grant
me this grace that thou hast given a new commandment. Oh,
how I love it, Since I am assured thereby that
it is Thy will to love in me all those
thou dost bid me love. Yes, I know when I
(26:21):
show charity to others, it is simply Jesus acting in me.
And the more closely I am united to Him, the
more dearly I love my sisters. If I wish to
increase this love in my heart, and the devil tries
to bring before me the defects of a sister, I
hasten to look for her virtues, her good motives. I
call to mind that though I may have seen her
(26:41):
fall once, no doubt she has gained many victories over herself,
which in her humility she conceals. It is even possible
that what seems to me a fault may, very likely,
on account of her good intention, be an act of virtue.
I have no difficulty in persuading myself of this, because
I have had the same experience. One day, during recreation,
(27:04):
the portress came to ask for a sister to help her.
I had a childish longing to do this work, and
it happened the choice fell upon me. I therefore began
to fold up our needlework, but so slowly that my neighbor,
who I knew would like to take my place was
ready before me. The sister who had asked for help,
seeing how deliberate I was, said laughingly, I thought you
(27:26):
would not add this pearl to your crown. You are
so extremely slow, And all the community thought I had
yielded to natural reluctance. I cannot tell you what profit
I derived from this incident, and it made me indulgent
towards others. It still checks any feelings of vanity when
I am praised, for I reflect that, since my small
acts of virtue can be mistaken for imperfections, why should
(27:48):
not my imperfections be mistaken for virtue? And I say
with Saint Paul to me, it is a very small
thing to be judged by you or by man's day.
But neither do I judge myself. He that judgeth me
is the Lord one Corinthians four, verse three four. And
it is the Lord. It is Jesus who is my judge.
(28:09):
Therefore I will try always to think leniently of others,
that he may judge me leniently, or rather not at all,
since he says, judge not, and ye shall not be
judged Luke six, verse thirty seven. But returning to the
Holy Gospel, where our Lord explains to me clearly in
what his new commandment consists. I read in Saint Matthew,
(28:30):
you have heard that it hath been said thou shalt
love thy neighbor and hate thy enemy. But I say
unto you, love your enemies and pray for them that
persecute you, Matthew five, verse forty three, forty four. There are,
of course no enemies in the carmel. But after all
we have our natural likes and dislikes. We may feel
(28:51):
drawn towards one sister, and may be tempted to go
a long way round to avoid meeting another. Well, our
Lord tells me that this is the sister to love
pray for, even though her behavior may make me imagine
she does not care for me. If you love them
that love you, what thanks are to you? For sinners
also love those who love them Luke six, verse thirty two.
(29:14):
And it is not enough to love. We must prove
our love Naturally. One likes to please a friend, but
that is not charity, for sinners do the same. Our
Lord also taught me give to everyone that asketh thee,
and of him that taketh away thy goods, ask them
not again, Luke six verse thirty. To give to everyone
who asks is not so pleasant as to give a
(29:36):
one's own accord. If we are asked pleasantly, it is
easy to give. But if we are asked discurteously, then
unless we are in perfect charity, there is an inward rebellion,
and we find no end of excuses for refusing. Perhaps,
after first pointing out the rudeness of the request, we
make such a favor of consenting there too, that the
(29:56):
slight service takes far less time to perform than was
lost in arguing the point. And if it is difficult
to give to whosoever asks, it is far more difficult
to let what belongs to us to be taken without
asking it again. Dear mother, I say this is hard,
but I should rather say that it seems hard, for
the yoke of the Lord is sweet and his burden
(30:17):
light Matthew eleven, verse thirty. And when we submit to
that yoke we at once feel its sweetness. I have said,
Jesus does not wish me to ask again for what
is my own? This ought to seem quite easy, for
in reality nothing is mine. I ought then to be
glad when an occasion arises which brings home to me
the poverty to which I am vowed. I used to
(30:40):
think myself completely detached, But since our Lord's words have
become clear, I see that I am indeed very imperfect.
For instance, when starting to paint, if I find the
brushes in disorder and a ruler or penknife gone, I
feel inclined to lose patience and have to keep a
firm hold over myself, not to betray my feelings. Of course,
(31:01):
I may ask for these needful things, and if I
do so humbly, I am not disobeying our Lord's command.
I am then like the poor, who hold out their
hands for the necessaries of life, and if refused, are
not surprised, since no one owes them anything. Deep peace
inundates the soul when it soars above mere natural sediments.
There is no joy equal to that which is shared
(31:23):
by the truly poor in spirit. If they ask with
detachment for something necessary, and not only is it refused,
but an attempt is made to take away what they
already possess. They are following the Master's advice. If any
man will take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak.
Also Matthew five, verse forty to give up one's cloak.
(31:45):
Is it seems to me to renounce every right and
to regard one's self as the servant the slave of all.
Without a cloak, it is easier to walk or run.
And so the Master adds, and whosoever shall force thee
to go one mile, go with him other two Matthew five,
verse forty one. It is therefore not enough for me
(32:06):
to give to whoever asks. I ought to anticipate the
wish and show myself glad to be of service. But
if anything of mine be taken away, I should show
myself glad to be rid of it. I cannot always
carry out to the letter the words of the Gospel,
for there are occasions when I am compelled to refuse
some request. Yet when charity is deeply rooted in the soul,
(32:29):
it lets itself be outwardly seen. And there is a
way of refusing so graciously what one is unable to give,
that the refusal affords as much pleasure as the gift
would have done. It is true that people do not
hesitate to ask from those who readily oblige. Nevertheless, I
ought not to avoid inopportune sisters on the pretext that
I shall be forced to refuse. The Divine Master has
(32:52):
said from him that would borrow of thee turn not
away Matthew five, verse forty two. Nor should I be
kind in order to appear so, or in the hope
that the sister will return the service. For once more,
it is written, if you lend to them of whom
you hope to receive, what thanks are to you. For
sinners also lend to sinners for to receive as much.
(33:15):
But you do good and lend, hoping for nothing thereby,
and your reward shall be great Luke six, verse thirty
four thirty five. Verily, the reward is great even on earth.
In this path. It is only the first step which costs.
To lend without hope of being repaid seems hard. One
would rather give outright, for what you give is no
(33:37):
longer yours. When a sister says, confidently, I want your
help for some hours, I have our mothers leave, and
be assured I will do as much for you later,
one may know well that these hours lent will not
be repaid, and be sorely tempted to say I prefer
to give them, But that would gratify self love. Besides
(33:58):
letting the sister feel that you do not reach lie
much on her promise. The divine precepts run contrary to
our natural inclinations, and without the help of grace, it
would be impossible to understand them, far less to put
them in practice. Dear Mother, I feel that I have
expressed myself with more than usual confusion, and I do
not know what you can find to interest you in
(34:19):
these rambling pages. But I am not aiming at a
literary masterpiece. And if I weary you by this discourse
on charity, it will at least prove your child's goodwill.
I must confess I am far from living up to
my ideal, and yet the very desire to do so
gives me a feeling of peace. If I fall into
some fault, I arise again at once, and for some
(34:42):
months now I have not even had to struggle. I
have been able to say, with our Holy Father, Saint
John of the Cross, my house is entirely at peace.
And I attribute this interior piece to a victory I
gained over myself. Since that victory, the hosts of heaven
have hastened to my aid, for they will not allow
me to be wounded now that I have fought so
(35:04):
valiantly a holy None of our community annoyed me in
all that she did. The devil must have had something
to do with it, and he, it was, undoubtedly, who
made me see in her so many disagreeable points. I
did not want to yield to my natural antipathy, for
I remember that charity ought to betray itself in deeds
(35:24):
and not exist merely in the feelings. So I set
myself to do for this sister all I should do
for the one I loved most. Every time I met her,
I prayed for her and offered to God her virtues
and merits. I felt that this was very pleasing to
our Lord, for there is no artist who is not
gratified when his works are praised, and the divine artist
(35:45):
of souls is pleased when we do not stop at
the exterior, but penetrating to the interior sanctuary he has
chosen admire its beauty. I did not rest satisfied with
praying for this sister, who gave me such occasions for
self manas master. I tried to render her as many
services as I could, and when tempted to answer her sharply,
(36:06):
I made haste to smile and change the subject, for
the imitation says it is more profitable to leave every
one to his way of thinking than to give way
to contentious discourses. And sometimes, when the temptation was very severe,
I would run like a deserter from the battlefield if
I could do so without letting the sister guess my
inward struggle. One day, she said to me with a
(36:28):
beaming face, my dear sore Therese, tell me what attraction
you find in me, For whenever we meet, you greet
me with such a sweet smile. Ah. What attracted me
was Jesus hidden in the depths of her soul, Jesus
who maketh sweet even that which is most bitter. I
spoke just now, dear mother, of the flight that is
my last resource to escape defeat. It is not honorable,
(36:52):
I confess, but during my novitiate, whenever I had recourse
to this means, it invariably succeeded. I will give you
a striking example, which will I am sure amuse you.
You had been ill with bronchitis for several days, and
we were all uneasy about you. One morning, in my
duty a Sacristan. I came to put back the keys
(37:14):
of the communion, grating this was my work, and I
was very pleased to have an opportunity of seeing you,
though I took good care not to show it. One
of the sisters, full of solicitude, feared I should awake you,
and tried to take the keys from me. I told
her as politely as I could that I was quite
as anxious as she was. There should be no noise,
(37:35):
and added that it was my right to return them.
I see now that it would have been more perfect
simply to yield, but I did not see it then,
and so I followed her into the room. Very soon
what she feared came to pass. The noise did awaken you.
All the blame fell upon me. The sister I had
argued with began a long discourse of which the point
(37:57):
was soretrese made all the noise. I was burning to
defend myself, but a happy inspiration of grace came to me.
I thought that if I began to justify myself, I
should certainly lose my peace of mind, And as I
had too little virtue to let myself be unjustly accused
without answering, my last chance of safety lay in flight.
(38:18):
No sooner thought than done. I hurried away, but my
heart beat so violently I could not go far, and
I was obliged to sit down on the stairs to
enjoy inquiet the fruit of my victory. This is an
odd kind of courage, undoubtedly, but I think it is
best not to expose oneself in the face of certain defeat.
When I recall these days of my novitiate, I understand
(38:41):
how far I was from perfection, And the memory of
certain things makes me laugh. How good God has been
to have trained my soul and given it wings. All
the snares of the hunter can no longer frighten me,
For a net is spread in vain before the eyes
of them that have wings. Proverbs one verse twey. It
(39:01):
may be that some day my present state will appear
to me full of defects. But nothing now surprises me,
and I do not even distress myself because I am
so weak. On the contrary, I glory therein and expect
each day to find fresh imperfections. Nay, I must confess,
these lights on my own nothingness are of more good
(39:21):
to my soul than lights on matters of faith. Remembering
that charity covereth a multitude of sins Proverbs ten, verse twelve.
I draw from this rich mind which our Savior has
opened to us in the Gospels. I search the depths
of his adorable words and cry out with David. I
have run in the way of thy commandments, since thou
(39:42):
hast enlarged my heart Psalms one eighteen one nineteen, verse
thirty two. And charity alone can make wide the heart,
Oh Jesus, since its sweet flame consumes my heart. I
run with delight in the way of thy new commandment,
and I desire to run therein until that blessed day,
when with thy company of virgins, I shall follow THEE
(40:04):
through thy boundless realm, singing thy new canticle, the Canticle
of Love. End of Chapter nine.
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