Beyond the Mirror: Working on the Inside

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, beautiful people, what's up. I'm so happy to be
with you today. We're going to talk about what can
we do to make ourselves well on the inside. Like
we do so many things to make sure that we're
looking good and that we're feeling good on the outside,
But what about the inside? Isn't that the one that
really counts. To relax and settle in and listen up,

(00:22):
because your stress therapy session is about to begin right now, Hey,
beautiful people, It's time for some stress therapy, a podcast

(00:44):
about how to meditate and get better at stress for
people living in the real world. Finally a place to
park my twenty five plus years of experience of working
as a psychotherapist in the mental health field. And now
your host me the stress therapist Cherry Flake. Hey, beautiful people,

(01:16):
how are you today? We're going to talk a little
bit about working on your outside versus working on your inside,
which may actually be more important, but our ego is
always tricking us into thinking that the outside is more
important or the most important thing, when I'm not so
sure that's true. Right. I remember one time I was
in high school and I'll never forget this. This guy

(01:37):
like really put me in my place. Man, I was
pretty devastated. Here I am a thousand years later talking
about it. But I was coming into a classroom and
the teacher said, how long does it take you to
get ready for school? And I don't remember what my
answer was, an hour, forty five minutes? Whatever I was
in high school. I had a lot of hair, a
lot of hair. There was a lot of hair involved. Okay,

(02:00):
it was the eighties, so I think I said like
an hour or something. I don't remember what I said,
but he said, is that how long it takes you
to get ready for school? Or is that how long
it takes you to look the way you want to
look for school? What? Okay? Besides showing how very unsophisticated
in naive I was when I was in high school,

(02:21):
because this was such a poignant point for me, I
never even remotely considered it. I think it's something that
we need to visit. I think we spend a lot
of time working on our outsides. You know, we have
to make sure that our hair is pink. And you know,
today wearing my cheap Chick T shirt, you know, let
everybody know that I went to Cheap Trick and I
love them and I went to the concert. It was amazing,

(02:42):
And what does that say about me? Right? That's what
our egos are so obsessed with, Like who am I like?
Am I a woman? Am I more feminine? Am I
a mother? A daughter, a sister?

Speaker 2 (02:55):
You know?

Speaker 1 (02:55):
And I'm also like a mom and I'm a friend
and I'm all these differ roles and we kind of
tweak our personality as we sort of fit into our
personal reality. And that's how we shape our egos. That's
what our egos are. It's who we are. And our
ego is obsessed with how we're being perceived by other people.

(03:19):
And I was at this cocktail party once with my
husband and I arrived late. I met him there late,
you know, with this other couple at this table, and
I walked up and apologized for being late, and the
woman of this couple said, don't worry, because I don't
ever judge. I never judge people. And I was like, whatever,
I'm judging you right now, That's that's not true, because

(03:42):
it's not I mean, come on, I mean, there's a
part of our brain that is reserved for judgment, and
so we don't do anything stupid. It's so we don't
trust that person again. It's so we don't walk down
an alley that looks like that again if we were
robbed the last time we went down it. I mean,
it's for safety cautions. But and yeah, this system doesn't

(04:02):
always work because you might not trust someone who looks
like someone that you didn't trust before and they're two
different people and who cares and it's not the same
thing or whatever. But we're supposed to fit into a
tribe of sorts. We're supposed to want to be accepted
by a group, so we can fit in because I
think our primitive minds kind of know that we just

(04:22):
can't do this all by ourselves. We need one another.
And so that judgment is there. It's just there now.
I do think it's lovely if you can, like Malcolm Gladwell,
that that shit out, you know, and like notice when
you're judging, and you can change it absolutely. I mean
awareness is key. However, to think that you're never going
to be judging or that's a goal, I just don't

(04:43):
know how practical that is. I think instead, when you
notice that your ego identity is judging something that you
jump in and that you're able to notice that and
change it, you know, just like anything else. But I
was really judging her for that. Anyway. We've all I
been tricked by someone's outsides anyway, they don't really tell
the whole story on the inside. I don't know about you,

(05:04):
but I keep falling for it. My sister would never
do this either, she is so intellectually savvy as far
as this goes. I have a friend who's friends with
my friends out know her that well, but every time
I see her, because she is beautiful. She is like
the quintessential, like what an American woman is supposed to
look like, and the skinny and the beautiful and the
skin and the hair and all the things and the

(05:26):
body and the clothes and everything. She's just she's dropped
dead gorgeous. There's no doubt about it. It's not even
a judgment, Like she really is beautiful. And so I
always erroneously think she's gonna be nice to me, and
she's not. She's not very she's not very nice. And
I know we've all been duped, right, We've all been
like a sucker for that before, and I you know,

(05:47):
it's because we work so hard on the outside. I mean,
I'm not saying I'm not doing it, Okay, I got
purpleation on right now, Like I mean, I got pig hair.
I mean we turned the show into TV for goodness sakes.
Now I have to like where clothes in order to
record my podcast house wearing pajamas and hanging out with
my little pink tree house and not even thinking about it.
Now I got to think about it because there's this

(06:10):
thing that we want to project out so people get
who we really are. And it's kind of like kind
of a misnomer, right like, And so where in our
lives are we considering working on our inside as much
as we are working on you know, how we want
to look wherever when we go to school, right And

(06:31):
so it's just something to really think about because there
are some things that really constitute working on the inside,
like comedy therapy, for instance. I think that's really hard
for a lot of people, especially to spend the money
in the time, because it just seems more justifiable for
some reason to get botox or to work on your car,
or to work on the outside of your house or whatever.

(06:52):
The outside of you is, new shoes, new dress, new haircut, whatever,
pink hair, whatver it is that you want to look
like on the outside, so you're projecting who you really
feel like you are. I feel most comfortable with pink hare.
It's weird. My kids hate it, okay, but I've had
pink hair since like two thousand and three. I don't

(07:13):
know what the big memo is. It's not like they've
had this, like a recent crazy change in their mom
and having a midlife crisis. Whatever. I do think my
complexion looks a little bit better with pink hair. Maybe
it doesn't. I feel most comfortable when my hair is pink,
and so that's why I get a dyed pink And
that's why during COVID I was reaching out to my
hairdresser to bring over bleach with instructions on how to

(07:37):
do it so I could remain blonde for the entire pandemic. Okay,
And when I was wearing purple eyeshadow and lipstick with
a mask on, I was thinking, Oh, maybe I'm actually
doing this for me and how I want to feel.
Maybe this is kind of spilling over into my inside.
And when I was in Panama with my family, it
was super duper hot and there wasn't really any mirrors

(08:00):
or access to anything. I didn't wear any makeup at all,
And that's not like me at all. That's not like me,
that's not who I am, right, Like, normally I'm wearing
purple eyeeshadows every single day no matter what, right, I mean,
even at like when I go on a silent retreat,
I will wear makeup the whole time I'm there, even
though it really is an access to mers. So what

(08:20):
was the difference. I'm not saying there's any right answer, right,
but I think it's really cool when we kind of
assess the idea of what we're doing on the outside
of ourselves and how we're working on that actively versus
what we're working on on the inside of ourselves. That's
what I really like about Hafa yoga because working on

(08:41):
those asanas makes you flexible on the outside. There's no
doubt about it. If you go to yoga, you're gonna
get more flexible physically, but you also get more flexible
emotionally and mentally. And I mean just the idea. I
mean sometimes when I'm a yoga we have to do twists.
They're not my favorite ones. And like everything, it's like

(09:04):
the thing that you don't like is probably the thing
that you need blah blah. But it's true because often
when I'm in a twist, I feel squeezed, and that
can be uncomfortable for me. There's emotions that come out,
there's resistance that comes and when I stay in that
twist anyway, because everybody in the yoga class might judge

(09:26):
me if I stop doing whatever they're doing, right, Like
the norm is to do what everybody's doing in the
yoga class. That's why it's nice to go to yoga
because you're more likely to participate the entire time and
with all the poses. And when I sit there anyway,
when I'm uncomfortable and I'm in a twist, and I
sit in that twist anyway, even though I have a

(09:48):
lot of resistance and my ego keep saying come out,
come out, come out, come out, come out, and I
stay in it anyway, I build resilience. I build flexibility
that would otherwise be unavailable to me. Right, And so
that's why I like yoga because it really makes you
work on the inside and the outside. It makes you
flexible on the outside and the inside. Right. So what

(10:09):
else in our life does that? Well, certainly meditation, and
we'll get to that because you know that's my favorite subject.
Where else is our brain tricking us that we're working
on the outside when really it does help on the inside,
or when we're working on the inside and it just
kind of spills over onto the outside. Right. I think
when I would work out to look better, I didn't

(10:31):
have a lot of success with that. I don't know
if the results were fast enough for my ego identity
to stick with it. So when I work out, I
go because I tell myself, if you're not getting stronger,
you're getting weaker. Right, I think after thirty or thirty five,
I think it is you have to actively be doing
strength training to help you with your health as a

(10:54):
health decision. And when I go to work out for
health reasons, I'm way more or successful. I show up more,
I work harder, I'm more excited to be there, I
have a lot more motivation. I think my ego sees
that as working on the inside, even though I don't
know is my heart the inside I don't know. See

(11:15):
that's why I love again half a yoga because when
you go into yoga and they're like we're gonna do
heart openers, Yes, it does, like open your heart, your
chest is open in these poses, and you do feel
a little more vulnerable, you feel a little bit more loving.
You know, it does. It is working on the outside

(11:36):
to get to the inside, right. And then when we meditate,
you know, we're just working on the inside, and I
gotta tell you, it just spills over onto the outside.
I need to read you a text that I got
from someone who I taught her how to meditate three
weeks ago. Three weeks ago, three weeks ago, okay, and

(12:00):
she's doing it six or eight minutes every morning, barely
any time at all, and she's sitting there working on
her inside. And listen to how it's spilling over into
her outside. Listen to this text. The green and the
leaves is greener, the clouds are more beautiful, bird songs

(12:21):
sound prettier, food tastes better, and best of all, I'm
happier and less critical of myself. Thank you for getting
me to commit to what is clearly so good for me.
All I'm saying is that's working on the inside. And
when you see someone who's been meditating for a while,
I mean, far be it for me to say that

(12:41):
people who meditate regularly are gorgeous. I mean I'm two
hundred and fifty one years old. Don't I look amazing
for my age? Why do we lie down? We should
always lie up. I mean, I don't need to shut
on you, but like when we lie up, like then
we get all kinds of compliments. Wouldn't that help you're
outside and your inside? Okay, just a side note, but

(13:03):
what I'm saying is when you're around someone who meditates regularly,
they look good, they look bright, they look happier, they
just do. It spills over into the outside. And so
today I just wanted you to just kind of see
where does your ego trick you into thinking that the
outside is the most important thing. When can you take

(13:24):
an opportunity to maybe motivate yourself by examining how it
helps your inside rather than your outside. And where are
you actively working on your inside in your life? I
don't know. Let me know, I would love to hear
from you. I just think it's kind of cool to
think about that. If we're going to spend so much

(13:46):
time getting ready for how we want to look at school,
then maybe we want to get ready for how we
want to feel and be and communicate and love and
give faith, thanks and grow and be peaceful and calmer
and all these other things on the inside. The thing

(14:08):
I know for sure is that meditation helps with all
these things. So let's do that right now. We're going
to work on our inside. Now what I do in
order to bring myself inward easier in order for me
to really let go of the environment. And I'm on camera.
I mean, I know this is lame, and I know

(14:29):
that there are people out there that you know, they
have pictures of themselves meditating on the beach with white
flowy clothing on, and I don't know about all that.
To me, when someone takes a picture of me meditating,
it's kind of like someone take a picture of me sleeping.
I think it's really odd, but I recognize the value
in it because of marketing or whatever. My assistant says,

(14:51):
we have to do it. But anyway, I'm going to
just release my ego identity in talking to you on
air in a video, and I'm going to do what
I would normally do to work on my inside regardless
of what's going on on the outside, and an effort
to teach you how you can kind of really grasp this.
And one way that you can is with eye covers. Okay,

(15:12):
so these are my favorite eye covers. These are the
company is called BUCkies, and my husband hates it. He
always calls them eye covers. He doesn't like the name BUCkies.
But these are my favorite. They have I don't even
know if you can find if you can find these
with the comfy cozy thing on the back and the
front and then on the back it has this little

(15:33):
lip so you can put that under your eyes so
your eyes aren't pressed up against it, and it also
blocks a little bit of the black. And then here
we also have a pocket which you can also put
earplugs in. So I would invite you when you meditate.
This is how I meditate every single day, to try
earplugs and to try at least eye covers. Okay, but

(15:55):
it helps you come inward and focus inwards so much easier.
It's so much easier because when you're meditating, your eyes
may float open at times, and then you're just sort
of at a default mode and taking in whatever is
available for you to see. And I want you to
be in charge of that. And in order to do that,

(16:16):
you can make sure that darkness reminds you that you're inward,
right and when we wear earplugs, we also are able
to come inward and really focus on the breath. If
you're doing in breath meditation, because you sound like Darth
Vader or you're underwater or whatever, and after a minute
or two you'll get over that. Your ego will be
all riled up. Oh my gosh, it sounds so loud
or whatever, and you just kind of ignore that and

(16:37):
it'll go away. But what we really want to do,
and what the ancient stages talked about in being a
yoga and practicing yoga, is the idea of cutting off
your senses, right, and so this is a really simple
way to experiment with that and really get your focus inward.
And so that's what we're gonna do right now. So

(16:59):
I'm going to put your plugs in. Here comes me,
hair fluff and eye covers. Here we go. And if
I'm looking like a goof perfect, that's the goal right here. Oh,
are people making lots of noise outside? I wouldn't know
because I got ear plugs in. All right, let's do this.

(17:21):
Who cares what's going on in the outside, right? Who cares?
We're going inside, Find your comfortable, beautiful seat, close your
beautiful eyes. Make micro adjustments with your body.

Speaker 2 (17:40):
Maybe roll your shoulders a little bit because and maybe
they'll settle nicely. With a straight spine and your chin
level to the ground and your eyes closed, sitting up comfortably,
find a place for your find a place for your

(18:03):
hands to be, and in your safe and sound situation,
hopefully you can hear me if you opted for your plugs.

(18:30):
Bring your attention inWORD. Find your beautiful breath and it

(18:51):
is if you are a witness to it, as if
someone else is breathing. I just want you to watch it,
Notice the noise that it makes, Notice the length, the depth,
or shallowness. Notice judging it, wanting to change it, have

(19:14):
it be different, and just resist the urge to judge it,
to make it different. And for a few moments, I

(19:39):
just want you to simply visualize the inside of your
body from the base of your spine, follow your spinal
cord all the way up, just with your aware, up

(20:00):
to your lower back, your middle back, your upper back,
your neck, and through your beautiful brain to your third
eye in the space between your eyebrows, this place of

(20:26):
wisdom and knowing, and see if you could follow now
with your awareness going down, breathing in to your third eye,

(20:48):
through your beautiful brain, down the back of your neck
and spinal cord.

Speaker 3 (20:56):
All the way.

Speaker 2 (20:57):
Upper back, lower back, upper back, middle back, lower back,
and with your awareness now along with your beautiful breath,

(21:18):
release your breath and picture the base of your spine
and breathing in, breathing into your lower back, middle back,
upper back, the back of your neck, through your beautiful brain,

(21:42):
filling all the way up with laser focus on your
third eye, the space between your eyebrows. Pause here with
your breath, and then release your breath coming down through
your third eye, through the back of your neck, through
your brain, coming down your upper back, following your spine,

(22:05):
middle back, releasing your breath all the way down to
the base of your spine. And now just go at
your breath'space, following your spine as if you're sipping. Breath
up up, up through a straw, landing in your third eye,

(22:25):
and then down, releasing all the way down, all the
way down, all the way down to the base of
your spine.

Speaker 3 (22:38):
Follow this breath, follow this breath in and up, down
and out.

Speaker 2 (22:59):
I'm gonna leave you with this visual spinal cord breath
sashima breathing, and I'll be back to guide you out.

(27:47):
Take a moment to be in this beautiful space that
you have created. Love, calm, simplieve by just following your breath.

(28:13):
If you can hear my voice but you don't know
what I'm saying, you can take one ear plug out.
Resist the urge to just jump up and go to
the next thing. Just be with me and the beautiful

(28:35):
music of Sonic Yogi for a moment. Allow the visual
of your spine to fall away from your awareness and
take a long, slow, deep breath in your nose, letting

(28:58):
it all go out of your mouth. Take another long, slow,
deep breath in your nose, let it go out of
your mouth. Well, that's deep, cleansing, clearing breath in your nose,

(29:22):
awakening through this moment, this time and this body, release
it out of your mouth, and when you're ready, you
can open your beautiful eyes and take out your other.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
Earplus, it was lovely to meditate with you today, and
I hope you had fun kind of working on your
insights a little bit, and maybe the next time you
go to yoga you'll kind of notice, oh, well, this
is sort of a strengthening pose and you might walk
away feeling a little braver. You know, it's like the

(29:59):
little meanings of hatha yoga, they just kind of spill over.

Speaker 2 (30:03):
You know what.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
We're gonna do a different kind of meditation the next
time we meet. Let me know how you might be
getting better at stress or how you would like to
get better at stress. I am here for you. Okay,
have a lovely, lovely day. This was a great time.
How y'all feeling after that stress therapy session? Good? Awesome?

(30:25):
Check out the show notes to connect with me the
Stress Therapist on social media, at the Stress Therapist on
Instagram and at stress Therapy on Twitter. You can always
go to I Lovethapy dot com to find out about
meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there.
If you live in Georgia and you're ready to be
one of my clients, go to my website to find

(30:46):
out how you can sign up for a free face
to face consultation with me at the very least. Jump
by my mailer so you don't stress or miss one
thing until next time. Have a lovely, lovely day.

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