July 2, 2025 ā¢ 28 mins
š Episode Summary: In this heartfelt episode, Cheri unpacks the sneaky habit of putting everyone else firstāeven strangersāand what it really means when we constantly flake on ourselves. She calls it Southern Hospitality Syndrome: a charming but toxic blend of kindness and chronic self-abandonment. With her signature warmth and wit, Cheri shares personal stories, including a hilarious tale of 20 years of polite miscommunication, and offers real-world tips on how to finally treat yourself like someone you actually care about. Stick around for a guided chakra meditation focused on the heart, throat, and third eye to help you align with self-love and truth. š Three Key Learning Points:
- Self-Abandonment Looks Polite: Being ultra-kind to others while bailing on your own needs is still abandonmentājust with a smile.
- Calendar It Like You Mean It: Treat personal commitments like appointments with someone important (spoiler: thatās you).
- Confidence = Equality: True confidence isnāt about being betterāit's knowing you're just as valuable as anyone else at the table.
- šµ āBless Your Heartā by Megan Moroney ā for a little Southern passive-aggression education
- šāāļø Peachtree Road Race ā Cheriās one and only running moment (cheers included)
- š§āāļø Vista Yoga in Atlanta ā Cheri teaches there on Thursday nights
- š Website: ilovetherapy.com ā retreats, classes & all the good stuff
- š§ Join the email list for stress-free updates & surprises
- š Producer Credit: Big thanks to Owen Flake, the silent hero behind the scenes!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, beautiful people, what's up? Okay?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
So, sometimes it's really easy to show up for people
that you love, and it's easy to show up for
people that mean so much to you or that have
shown up for you. And sometimes it's really easy to
show up for your neighbor that's been kind of mean
to you and someone you don't even like. And it's
easy to show up for someone you don't even know,
And it's hard to.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Show up for yourself. Are you doing this?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Are you there for everybody but you? Are you kind
to everybody else but you? You could have Southern hospitality syndrome.
I'm going to tell you all about it and how
to cure it. Today, Hey, beautiful people, it's time for
(00:51):
some stress Therapy, a podcast about how to meditate and
get better at stress for people.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Living in the real world.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Finally a place to park by twenty five plus years
of experience of working as a psychotherapist in the mental
health field and now your.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Host me this stress therapist Cherry Flake. Hey beautiful people,
what's up?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
So I am not from the southern part of the
United States, and if you're from the United States, you
would probably pick up on that. I am loud, I am.
I don't have a Southern accent. I love it here,
and I do have a little sign in my basement
that says I'm not from the South, but I got
here as fast as I could because the people here
(01:44):
are so nice. In fact, there is a term that
is coined here and it's called Southern hospitality, where you
can just expect people to treat you with so much
love here it is almost jarring to someone who comes
from the Midwest, because we kind of wear our heart
on our sleeve. We say what we think. We If
you ask me a question, I will answer right. If
(02:06):
you ask me how I feel, I will tell you.
No one sits around and wonders how I feel, just
so you know. And it's not that it's wrong or right.
It's just that when you come to the South, there
is a level of kindness that it's just it's unprecedented
and it just makes you feel so loved and welcome.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
And I remember when I first moved here.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
I mean, my sister went to go get haircuts, and
you know, we had only been here for five seconds.
We didn't know anything about Atlanta, we didn't know anything
about Georgia. And someone just came out to us and
was like, you know, you want to coke? And a
little southern accent, y'all want to coke. They were worried
about our This is back when we had taxis and
(02:44):
not ubers, but they were like, you want us to
call your taxi and just like caring about us in
a way that like we just.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Were not used to.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Up North, people tend to mind their own business a
little bit better. I know I'm going to get into
trouble here talking about how the North is better than
the South or the South is better, but it's just
so different that.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
We noticed it immediately. Side note too.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
You know, if someone says bless your heart when you're
in the South, it sounds kind, but it's secretly not kind.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, go listen
to the song by Megan Moroney, Bless your Heart. It's
sort of a passive aggressive. But I'll talk about that
when we talk about pasive aggressives. Okay, right now, we're
just going to talk about Southern hospitality, and Southern hospitality
(03:26):
on its own is absolutely lovely and it just makes
you feel like butter.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
It's lovely.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
But I noticed with the clients that were coming into
my office. It's not exclusively for Southerners. Okay, people do
this all the time, but it does imply this Southern hospitality.
But it has a syndrome attached to it because because.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
It's when we're being so kind.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
To other people at the cost of our own kindness
to ourselves, or that we're showing up and doing things
for people that they might not even want us to
do for them, like we're not even quite sure that
they want that thing from us, and we're put out
having done it right, which doesn't really make sense when
you talk it out, but it's really easy to kind
(04:11):
of think about when you think of scenarios that we've
been in. So like, here's a good example, and I
use this all the time in my retreats and seminars.
But my best friend, she's very Southern. Her daddy is
a preacher, and everything you're thinking about her is true.
So you know all the bad thing all you know,
the little bad influences at the preacher's daughter. I mean,
(04:32):
she's a bad influence. But we are thick as thieves.
We have been friends for thirty years. And her mom
told me this where her mom was also really really southern.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
She's got the sweetest accent.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Her mom told me this story which I just love,
and she said her husband was the preacher of the church, right,
but her mother in law would host this lunch every
single Sunday after church, which was you know, the busiest
day of the week for you know, and a Prie's
mom and her husband and they'd have to go over
(05:03):
there every single Sunday.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And she complained about it. She didn't want to do it.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
And every single Sunday she'd a lug over there and
have lunch and cook and do all the things that
was such a big to do. And after twenty years
of this, okay, and a PRI's mom's mother in law
came to her and said, do y' all have to
come over every Sunday? I mean their level of communication
(05:28):
was so poor they never even talked about the legit,
like both assumed that the other one was forcing it
on them. I'm just saying, okay, like that's so Southern
to me, right, But there is some really valid truth there,
and we all do it. We all sometimes show up
for someone in a way that we're not even sure
they want us to be there for that and getting
(05:49):
back to Southern hospitality syndrome. Yes, it's really important to
have compassion for other people, but you cannot give to
other people what you don't already have. So you have
to have some compassion for yourself in order to be
able to give it, right, And instead it seems like
we're showing it for everyone else. Like let's say that
(06:10):
you and I were going to go out for lunch
and I was like, Okay, we'll go to Flying Biscuit
at Tocohill. Okay, they have the best coffee, and I say,
you know what, let's meet there for breakfast.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Even better, they have the best biscuits. Right, So I'll.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Meet you there at Monday at nine o'clock. And then
let's say that you're sitting there waiting for me and.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
I just don't show up.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
I don't call, I don't text, I don't email, I
don't do any of the you know, twenty twenty twenty
things that we do, and I just don't show up.
I mean that is not cool, right, I mean it
would be fair for you to call me and I
kind of hate this word, and I'm sure you know why. Well,
like kind of call me a flake, right, that's pretty flake?
(06:55):
That's pretty flaky not to just show up right, and
it would be completely warrant to because that.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Is not nice.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Well, the thing is, I would have to call you, right.
I would have to call you up and say, you know,
I'm really sorry, but I can't make it on Monday, right,
and you would call beforehand. I wouldn't wait until you're
sitting there waiting for me, right, So you would call
beforehand and say, you know what, Monday doesn't work for me,
but you also here's another thing you wouldn't do that
we often do with ourselves, is that you wouldn't say
(07:23):
something like, you know what, but Tuesday at nine works too,
but Tuesday at nine doesn't work either.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Like, you would never do that.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
You would pick a time, a reasonable time on your
calendar that did work, and you would show this loving
compassion and courtesy to let the other person know that
you will be there or you won't be there. And
if you don't do that over time, people aren't going
to want to go out to breakfast with you.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Now, think about this.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Your brain doesn't know the difference between a broken commitment
with you or a broken commitment with someone else, a
broken commitment with yourself and someone.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Else in your brain is seen as the same. What
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (08:04):
That means that when you are breaking commitments to yourself,
when you would never flake out on someone else, you
are practicing chronic self abandonment, okay, and your brain doesn't
know it, so it will just start calling you a
flake over time.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
There's this terrible self talk. You know, I'm a jerk.
I don't stick to my commitments.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
We've all met someone at a party who's saying like, well,
I'll just never do that, or I'd like to meditate cherry,
but I just know I never will. Like that's terrible, right,
and that sets you up for failure and for disaster.
And you are just there's nothing special about you. You
are just as wonderful and holy and divine as anyone
(08:47):
that you're gonna go meet for breakfast or lunch. So
you don't deserve special circumstances of being completely blown off.
If you're supposed to show up at the gym, or
show up to meditate, or show up for especially this
meditation practice that I really want you to have, you have.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
To show up. You have to make a reasonable.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Time that you're gonna do it. I'm gonna be there
at this time. Look at your calendar, and you can
be flexible. Listen, you can be flexible. I feel very
comfortable making breakfast plans with someone a week or two
week or three weeks out, and then if something comes up,
I just reschedule with them. So you have to call
yourself up as if you are someone else and reschedule.
(09:29):
It's the only way you can be flexible with a plan.
If you're flexible without a plan, then you're just being wishy,
washy or.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Flaky. But if you keep.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Doing it year after year, in time after time, and
I say year after year, because this is what New
Year's resolutions are, and this is why a lot of people,
when I ask them about New Year's resolutions are like,
I don't do them anymore, and I don't know if
that's necessarily the way to go.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
We'll do in New Year's Resolutions show next season. For sure.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
You can't throw a stick on the internet without finding
talking about them. Because New Year's resolutions, the way that
we typically go about them are terrible and set us
up for failure. We're gonna do this thing perfectly on
this magical day starting January first, and I'm gonna do
this thing perfectly for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, yeah, right.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Your brain's like, no, we're not doing that. You have
to do change a little by little member the motivations. Okay,
you have.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
To do all.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
You have to follow all those rules on how to
get your brain motivated, like having a goal by the
end of the year, and goals each month, and things
each month and commitments each day or week.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Or month or whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Moving towards those goals is a way better plan to
get your New Year's resolution.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
But that aside. That aside.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Year after year, if you say you're gonna meditate on
Mondays and you never show up, or you're gonna go
to Tuesday night yoga class or whatever, you don't show
up and over and over again you don't do that,
You are saying terrible things to yourself. You are set
sending a message to your brain that you don't matter. Okay,
And that's some rando that you don't even know yet
that you were going to meet at a breakfast just
(11:08):
because they happen to be in your industry, or because
they happen to be in your neighborhood or have the
same plight for the garden that you want to start
or whatever, that they have some sort of merit you
don't have, and that is frankly not true. And it's
time now that you show other people how to treat
you by treating yourself in a loving and compassionate way.
(11:31):
Not that you're better than anybody else, okay, but that
you're just the same, just the same in side note,
that's what confidence is. Confidence is not thinking that you're
better than anyone else. It's knowing that you're exactly the
same as everyone else with respective value, and that you've
been given some gifts and that you take them on
(11:53):
and that you utilize them in your life and you
feel pretty good about it. That's all it is. Okay,
you have to actively tell yourself you know, I'm important,
this is important. I'm gonna show up for myself now.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
We've been talking a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Here lately about what you want, how to get it,
who you are, all those things right. You're the only
one who can show up for you. You're the only
one who could show up. Last night, I was teaching
my new yoga class every Thursday night at Vista Yoga
here in Atlanta, Georgia. If you want to come, that's
what I said, I said, you know, we could talk
(12:30):
a little bit about meditation or whatever, but we're really
here to do the work. We're here to do it.
We're here to actually practice it. So in order to
make sure that you are not having recurring negative self
talk and you're not leaving yourself abandoned and showing up
for everyone else, which only breeds resentment, I think we
(12:51):
can all agree there are a few things that you
can do to prevent Southern hospitality syndrome or to hear it.
And that's when you make a commitment to yourself. I
want you to put it in your calendar. There should
be a slot for that particular behavior. When you make
a to do list, make sure that there are things
on there that bring you joy. If you have a
huge list of things to do that are uncomfortable or
(13:15):
hard or difficult or require a lot of psychic energy,
make sure you put things in there that just bring
your joy, like buying shoes or you know, I don't know,
cooking a meal or singing a song or whatever it is.
Make sure you have things on there that make you
feel good. Because remember, the high way to change.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Is feeling good.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
You have to be on the road of feeling good
right in order to change, so you put it in
your calendar. And that's why I have my clients every
Sunday or Monday, they decide the whole week of what
they're going to do. When they're going to work out
or whatever it is that they're working on running or
practicing meditating exactly it's in their calendar, exactly when they're
(13:54):
going to do it. And if for some reason something
comes up, they call themselves up with a reasonable replacement time.
How much time it's going to take. Where it's going
to be in the calendar is if someone else is
going to meet them there. The problem is if you
have Southern hospitality syndrome, it's not an automatic cure. You're
gonna have to pretend that someone is going to meet
(14:16):
you there for a little while until you can find
this loving compassion and respect for yourself that we so
easily tend to find for others, which is.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Sweet and kind and wonderful.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
But remember, sweetness and kindness in being lovely and compassionate
to other people and having empathy for them is only
real when it's real. It's only lovely when it's real.
It's only received well when it's you, your true, holy,
indivined kind self coming through, and if you can't muster
(14:48):
that up for yourself, it's probably gonna be fake going outward. Okay,
so you really have to practice doing that for yourself.
I'm gonna call myself up and make a new play
and for going to the pilates class.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
I'm going to call.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Myself up and make a new plan for starting that
chapter in my book or whatever it is. And you
treat yourself with that respect, and after a while your
brain starts to really want it. I am your accountability
partner for meditation, so let's show up right now.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
I'm meeting you there. I'm your accountability partner.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Let's do this right now and show up and meditator
together right now.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
So that stress tip kind of comes with a pretty
in the pocket, ready to go meditation where we're going
to be paying attention to chakras energy centers that are
in our body, starting with our heart, our throat, and
our connection to the divine. And when those three things
(15:48):
are in alignment and clear it out and functioning beautifully,
it's really easy to show up for your beautiful self.
So find a comfortable seat, roll your shoulders a little bit.
Maybe roll your neck one way or the other and
just allow your chin to float parallel to the ground
(16:11):
in space. Close your beautiful eyes, allow your head and
neck to settle, your shoulders to settle, your arms and hands.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
To settle, and.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Your whole spine from the base of your skull all
the way down to your sacram and all that your
spine holds together. Settle in your legs and knees and
ankles and feet, and perhaps have your hands on your knees,
(17:00):
facing down or up, whichever is more comfortable for you.
Finding your breath, and take a moment to imagine that
(17:22):
your breath coming in to your heart center, from breastplate
to spine, from shoulder to shoulder, that you have a
beautiful green breath that lights up like a Christmas light.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
In your heart center.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Breathing in, lighting up green, letting go, allowing this green
to come in and out of your heart center, filling off,
(18:03):
letting go, And as you breathe in, I want you
to think about a sentient being, a person, a baby,
a pet that you just love. Every time you see
this being, you are filled with love. Breathing in.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Green, cleaning out.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Breatheing this beautiful sentient being, filling your heart center up
with so much love, breathing out love. That's just going
right back to this being, love in.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
Love out, love in love out.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Now, I want you to bring your awareness to your throat,
all the way around the back of your mouth and
down your throat, and from the back of your neck
to your windpipe to the front of your throat, all
the way around your neck. I want you to imagine
(19:42):
that the breath coming in.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Is blue, a sky.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Blue, lighting up your beautiful throat, breathing in, breathing out blue,
and allowing you to really really speak your truth blue in.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
Blue out.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
This is your center of communication where you express your
beautiful self, breathing in, lighting up and cleansing this beautiful
space of blue energy, connecting you to your truth and
(20:53):
your ability with this voice and this breath, the truth,
the divine kindness, the meta loving kindness.
Speaker 4 (21:13):
To yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
As well as outward.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Filling up with blue, letting go blue, knowing that the
strengthens your ability to speak to anyone about anything. Releasing
(21:44):
your blue breath and coming up to your third eye,
the space between your eyebrows, breathing in this indigo light
coming in, lighting up the space between your eyebrows, and
(22:06):
this strengthening your connection to the divine, the psychic energy
of just knowing where to bring in love, where to
bring in truth, where to bring out honesty, where to
bring in compassion. It's very natural when you connect to
(22:30):
your source, bring all of your attention as if your
third eye breathe is on its own, bringing breath in
and bringing breath out, And stay with it for a
(22:50):
few moments and I'll be back to guide you out.
(23:47):
Allow your awareness to move away from your third eye,
coming back to your heart's center and knowing that when
you think about or surround yourself with thoughts or ideas
of love, that it's not always outward. And take a
(24:07):
moment now to breathe in love into your beautiful self,
your beautiful body, your beautiful mind, your beautiful soul, turning
love inward, moving up to your throat chakra and allowing
(24:33):
yourself to hear your truth within yourself. What do you
need to say to yourself? Where do you need to
show up and know the truth? And as you move
(24:55):
up to your third eye chakra, allow yourself to receive
divine knowledge, your connection to the Holy Spirit, God, Buddha, Jesus,
the Mother Earth, your source of all knowing, all loving
(25:28):
and only truth. And when you're ready, you can open
your beautiful eyes. Thank you so much for meditating with
me today. And I hope that if you have Southern
hospitality strendrome, I want you to know that I feel
(25:52):
for you and I have been there. And if you
find it easy to be so kind and wonderful to
other people, I think you're gonna find being kind of
wonderful to yourself a little easier than you think it's
gonna be. It gets easier and easier. That's why we
call it a practice. So one way to do that
(26:15):
and guarantee that you're doing a good job is that
you start to talk to yourself and treat yourself like
you would your bestie. And you would not say things
to your bestie like you're always late for lunches, or
you never stand up to your commitments, or you're such
a jerk, you're such a flake, or whatever it is.
(26:35):
You would never say that to your best friend. You
just wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
If you've ended up here, No, you wouldn't say that.
What would you say to her or him you'd say,
hey man, you're doing the best you can. I'm gonna
plan on this for Tuesday. If something comes up, i'm
gonna change it. But right now, Tuesday at two pm,
I'm gonna show up for me. I'm be kind to
(27:07):
yourself the whole way there, and it's just easier. I mean,
have you ever run a race? I mean, I've only
won run one race. I'm not much of a runner.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
But there's a Peach Tree Road Race every fourth of
July in Atlanta, and I gotta tell you, people yelling like,
hey Gar you got this or whatever. I mean, it
really did put a swing in my step. I gotta
say it affected me way more. I don't think, honestly,
I don't think I would have been able to do
that with all those people cheering and stuff. It really
makes a difference. But you don't always have to be
(27:38):
cheering for someone else. You can be your own cheerleader.
You can do it, Okay, I love you. Have a lovely,
lovely day. How y'all feeling after that stress therapy session?
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Good?
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Awesome?
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Check out the show notes to connect with me the
Stress Therapist on social media at the Stress Therapist on
Instagram and at stress Therapy on Twitter. You can always
go to I loovethapy dot com to find out about
meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
If you live in Georgia and you're ready to.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Be one of my clients, go to my website to
find out how you can sign up for a free
face to face consultation with me at the very least.
Jump by my mailers so you don't stress or miss
one thing until next time, Have a lovely, lovely day,
Hey, beautiful people, what's up? Okay?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
So, sometimes it's really easy to show up for people
that you love, and it's easy to show up for
people that mean so much to you or that have
shown up for you. And sometimes it's really easy to
show up for your neighbor that's been kind of mean
to you and someone you don't even like. And it's
easy to show up for someone you don't even know,
And it's hard to.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Show up for yourself. Are you doing this?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Are you there for everybody but you? Are you kind
to everybody else but you? You could have Southern hospitality syndrome.
I'm going to tell you all about it and how
to cure it. Today, Hey, beautiful people, it's time for
(00:51):
some stress Therapy, a podcast about how to meditate and
get better at stress for people.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Living in the real world.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Finally a place to park by twenty five plus years
of experience of working as a psychotherapist in the mental
health field and now your.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Host me this stress therapist Cherry Flake. Hey beautiful people,
what's up?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
So I am not from the southern part of the
United States, and if you're from the United States, you
would probably pick up on that. I am loud, I am.
I don't have a Southern accent. I love it here,
and I do have a little sign in my basement
that says I'm not from the South, but I got
here as fast as I could because the people here
(01:44):
are so nice. In fact, there is a term that
is coined here and it's called Southern hospitality, where you
can just expect people to treat you with so much
love here it is almost jarring to someone who comes
from the Midwest, because we kind of wear our heart
on our sleeve. We say what we think. We If
you ask me a question, I will answer right. If
(02:06):
you ask me how I feel, I will tell you.
No one sits around and wonders how I feel, just
so you know. And it's not that it's wrong or right.
It's just that when you come to the South, there
is a level of kindness that it's just it's unprecedented
and it just makes you feel so loved and welcome.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
And I remember when I first moved here.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
I mean, my sister went to go get haircuts, and
you know, we had only been here for five seconds.
We didn't know anything about Atlanta, we didn't know anything
about Georgia. And someone just came out to us and
was like, you know, you want to coke? And a
little southern accent, y'all want to coke. They were worried
about our This is back when we had taxis and
(02:44):
not ubers, but they were like, you want us to
call your taxi and just like caring about us in
a way that like we just.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Were not used to.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
Up North, people tend to mind their own business a
little bit better. I know I'm going to get into
trouble here talking about how the North is better than
the South or the South is better, but it's just
so different that.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
We noticed it immediately. Side note too.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
You know, if someone says bless your heart when you're
in the South, it sounds kind, but it's secretly not kind.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, go listen
to the song by Megan Moroney, Bless your Heart. It's
sort of a passive aggressive. But I'll talk about that
when we talk about pasive aggressives. Okay, right now, we're
just going to talk about Southern hospitality, and Southern hospitality
(03:26):
on its own is absolutely lovely and it just makes
you feel like butter.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
It's lovely.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
But I noticed with the clients that were coming into
my office. It's not exclusively for Southerners. Okay, people do
this all the time, but it does imply this Southern hospitality.
But it has a syndrome attached to it because because.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
It's when we're being so kind.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
To other people at the cost of our own kindness
to ourselves, or that we're showing up and doing things
for people that they might not even want us to
do for them, like we're not even quite sure that
they want that thing from us, and we're put out
having done it right, which doesn't really make sense when
you talk it out, but it's really easy to kind
(04:11):
of think about when you think of scenarios that we've
been in. So like, here's a good example, and I
use this all the time in my retreats and seminars.
But my best friend, she's very Southern. Her daddy is
a preacher, and everything you're thinking about her is true.
So you know all the bad thing all you know,
the little bad influences at the preacher's daughter. I mean,
(04:32):
she's a bad influence. But we are thick as thieves.
We have been friends for thirty years. And her mom
told me this where her mom was also really really southern.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
She's got the sweetest accent.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Her mom told me this story which I just love,
and she said her husband was the preacher of the church, right,
but her mother in law would host this lunch every
single Sunday after church, which was you know, the busiest
day of the week for you know, and a Prie's
mom and her husband and they'd have to go over
(05:03):
there every single Sunday.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And she complained about it. She didn't want to do it.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
And every single Sunday she'd a lug over there and
have lunch and cook and do all the things that
was such a big to do. And after twenty years
of this, okay, and a PRI's mom's mother in law
came to her and said, do y' all have to
come over every Sunday? I mean their level of communication
(05:28):
was so poor they never even talked about the legit,
like both assumed that the other one was forcing it
on them. I'm just saying, okay, like that's so Southern
to me, right, But there is some really valid truth there,
and we all do it. We all sometimes show up
for someone in a way that we're not even sure
they want us to be there for that and getting
(05:49):
back to Southern hospitality syndrome. Yes, it's really important to
have compassion for other people, but you cannot give to
other people what you don't already have. So you have
to have some compassion for yourself in order to be
able to give it, right, And instead it seems like
we're showing it for everyone else. Like let's say that
(06:10):
you and I were going to go out for lunch
and I was like, Okay, we'll go to Flying Biscuit
at Tocohill. Okay, they have the best coffee, and I say,
you know what, let's meet there for breakfast.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Even better, they have the best biscuits. Right, So I'll.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
Meet you there at Monday at nine o'clock. And then
let's say that you're sitting there waiting for me and.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
I just don't show up.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
I don't call, I don't text, I don't email, I
don't do any of the you know, twenty twenty twenty
things that we do, and I just don't show up.
I mean that is not cool, right, I mean it
would be fair for you to call me and I
kind of hate this word, and I'm sure you know why. Well,
like kind of call me a flake, right, that's pretty flake?
(06:55):
That's pretty flaky not to just show up right, and
it would be completely warrant to because that.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Is not nice.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Well, the thing is, I would have to call you, right.
I would have to call you up and say, you know,
I'm really sorry, but I can't make it on Monday, right,
and you would call beforehand. I wouldn't wait until you're
sitting there waiting for me, right, So you would call
beforehand and say, you know what, Monday doesn't work for me,
but you also here's another thing you wouldn't do that
we often do with ourselves, is that you wouldn't say
(07:23):
something like, you know what, but Tuesday at nine works too,
but Tuesday at nine doesn't work either.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Like, you would never do that.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
You would pick a time, a reasonable time on your
calendar that did work, and you would show this loving
compassion and courtesy to let the other person know that
you will be there or you won't be there. And
if you don't do that over time, people aren't going
to want to go out to breakfast with you.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Now, think about this.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Your brain doesn't know the difference between a broken commitment
with you or a broken commitment with someone else, a
broken commitment with yourself and someone.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Else in your brain is seen as the same. What
does that mean?
Speaker 2 (08:04):
That means that when you are breaking commitments to yourself,
when you would never flake out on someone else, you
are practicing chronic self abandonment, okay, and your brain doesn't
know it, so it will just start calling you a
flake over time.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
There's this terrible self talk. You know, I'm a jerk.
I don't stick to my commitments.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
We've all met someone at a party who's saying like, well,
I'll just never do that, or I'd like to meditate cherry,
but I just know I never will. Like that's terrible, right,
and that sets you up for failure and for disaster.
And you are just there's nothing special about you. You
are just as wonderful and holy and divine as anyone
(08:47):
that you're gonna go meet for breakfast or lunch. So
you don't deserve special circumstances of being completely blown off.
If you're supposed to show up at the gym, or
show up to meditate, or show up for especially this
meditation practice that I really want you to have, you have.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
To show up. You have to make a reasonable.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Time that you're gonna do it. I'm gonna be there
at this time. Look at your calendar, and you can
be flexible. Listen, you can be flexible. I feel very
comfortable making breakfast plans with someone a week or two
week or three weeks out, and then if something comes up,
I just reschedule with them. So you have to call
yourself up as if you are someone else and reschedule.
(09:29):
It's the only way you can be flexible with a plan.
If you're flexible without a plan, then you're just being wishy,
washy or.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Flaky. But if you keep.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Doing it year after year, in time after time, and
I say year after year, because this is what New
Year's resolutions are, and this is why a lot of people,
when I ask them about New Year's resolutions are like,
I don't do them anymore, and I don't know if
that's necessarily the way to go.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
We'll do in New Year's Resolutions show next season. For sure.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
You can't throw a stick on the internet without finding
talking about them. Because New Year's resolutions, the way that
we typically go about them are terrible and set us
up for failure. We're gonna do this thing perfectly on
this magical day starting January first, and I'm gonna do
this thing perfectly for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, yeah, right.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Your brain's like, no, we're not doing that. You have
to do change a little by little member the motivations. Okay,
you have.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
To do all.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
You have to follow all those rules on how to
get your brain motivated, like having a goal by the
end of the year, and goals each month, and things
each month and commitments each day or week.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Or month or whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Moving towards those goals is a way better plan to
get your New Year's resolution.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
But that aside. That aside.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Year after year, if you say you're gonna meditate on
Mondays and you never show up, or you're gonna go
to Tuesday night yoga class or whatever, you don't show
up and over and over again you don't do that,
You are saying terrible things to yourself. You are set
sending a message to your brain that you don't matter. Okay,
And that's some rando that you don't even know yet
that you were going to meet at a breakfast just
(11:08):
because they happen to be in your industry, or because
they happen to be in your neighborhood or have the
same plight for the garden that you want to start
or whatever, that they have some sort of merit you
don't have, and that is frankly not true. And it's
time now that you show other people how to treat
you by treating yourself in a loving and compassionate way.
(11:31):
Not that you're better than anybody else, okay, but that
you're just the same, just the same in side note,
that's what confidence is. Confidence is not thinking that you're
better than anyone else. It's knowing that you're exactly the
same as everyone else with respective value, and that you've
been given some gifts and that you take them on
(11:53):
and that you utilize them in your life and you
feel pretty good about it. That's all it is. Okay,
you have to actively tell yourself you know, I'm important,
this is important. I'm gonna show up for myself now.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
We've been talking a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Here lately about what you want, how to get it,
who you are, all those things right. You're the only
one who can show up for you. You're the only
one who could show up. Last night, I was teaching
my new yoga class every Thursday night at Vista Yoga
here in Atlanta, Georgia. If you want to come, that's
what I said, I said, you know, we could talk
(12:30):
a little bit about meditation or whatever, but we're really
here to do the work. We're here to do it.
We're here to actually practice it. So in order to
make sure that you are not having recurring negative self
talk and you're not leaving yourself abandoned and showing up
for everyone else, which only breeds resentment, I think we
(12:51):
can all agree there are a few things that you
can do to prevent Southern hospitality syndrome or to hear it.
And that's when you make a commitment to yourself. I
want you to put it in your calendar. There should
be a slot for that particular behavior. When you make
a to do list, make sure that there are things
on there that bring you joy. If you have a
huge list of things to do that are uncomfortable or
(13:15):
hard or difficult or require a lot of psychic energy,
make sure you put things in there that just bring
your joy, like buying shoes or you know, I don't know,
cooking a meal or singing a song or whatever it is.
Make sure you have things on there that make you
feel good. Because remember, the high way to change.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Is feeling good.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
You have to be on the road of feeling good
right in order to change, so you put it in
your calendar. And that's why I have my clients every
Sunday or Monday, they decide the whole week of what
they're going to do. When they're going to work out
or whatever it is that they're working on running or
practicing meditating exactly it's in their calendar, exactly when they're
(13:54):
going to do it. And if for some reason something
comes up, they call themselves up with a reasonable replacement time.
How much time it's going to take. Where it's going
to be in the calendar is if someone else is
going to meet them there. The problem is if you
have Southern hospitality syndrome, it's not an automatic cure. You're
gonna have to pretend that someone is going to meet
(14:16):
you there for a little while until you can find
this loving compassion and respect for yourself that we so
easily tend to find for others, which is.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Sweet and kind and wonderful.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
But remember, sweetness and kindness in being lovely and compassionate
to other people and having empathy for them is only
real when it's real. It's only lovely when it's real.
It's only received well when it's you, your true, holy,
indivined kind self coming through, and if you can't muster
(14:48):
that up for yourself, it's probably gonna be fake going outward. Okay,
so you really have to practice doing that for yourself.
I'm gonna call myself up and make a new play
and for going to the pilates class.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
I'm going to call.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Myself up and make a new plan for starting that
chapter in my book or whatever it is. And you
treat yourself with that respect, and after a while your
brain starts to really want it. I am your accountability
partner for meditation, so let's show up right now.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
I'm meeting you there. I'm your accountability partner.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Let's do this right now and show up and meditator
together right now.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
So that stress tip kind of comes with a pretty
in the pocket, ready to go meditation where we're going
to be paying attention to chakras energy centers that are
in our body, starting with our heart, our throat, and
our connection to the divine. And when those three things
(15:48):
are in alignment and clear it out and functioning beautifully,
it's really easy to show up for your beautiful self.
So find a comfortable seat, roll your shoulders a little bit.
Maybe roll your neck one way or the other and
just allow your chin to float parallel to the ground
(16:11):
in space. Close your beautiful eyes, allow your head and
neck to settle, your shoulders to settle, your arms and hands.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
To settle, and.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Your whole spine from the base of your skull all
the way down to your sacram and all that your
spine holds together. Settle in your legs and knees and
ankles and feet, and perhaps have your hands on your knees,
(17:00):
facing down or up, whichever is more comfortable for you.
Finding your breath, and take a moment to imagine that
(17:22):
your breath coming in to your heart center, from breastplate
to spine, from shoulder to shoulder, that you have a
beautiful green breath that lights up like a Christmas light.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
In your heart center.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Breathing in, lighting up green, letting go, allowing this green
to come in and out of your heart center, filling off,
(18:03):
letting go, And as you breathe in, I want you
to think about a sentient being, a person, a baby,
a pet that you just love. Every time you see
this being, you are filled with love. Breathing in.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Green, cleaning out.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Breatheing this beautiful sentient being, filling your heart center up
with so much love, breathing out love. That's just going
right back to this being, love in.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
Love out, love in love out.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Now, I want you to bring your awareness to your throat,
all the way around the back of your mouth and
down your throat, and from the back of your neck
to your windpipe to the front of your throat, all
the way around your neck. I want you to imagine
(19:42):
that the breath coming in.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Is blue, a sky.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Blue, lighting up your beautiful throat, breathing in, breathing out blue,
and allowing you to really really speak your truth blue in.
Speaker 4 (20:18):
Blue out.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
This is your center of communication where you express your
beautiful self, breathing in, lighting up and cleansing this beautiful
space of blue energy, connecting you to your truth and
(20:53):
your ability with this voice and this breath, the truth,
the divine kindness, the meta loving kindness.
Speaker 4 (21:13):
To yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
As well as outward.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Filling up with blue, letting go blue, knowing that the
strengthens your ability to speak to anyone about anything. Releasing
(21:44):
your blue breath and coming up to your third eye,
the space between your eyebrows, breathing in this indigo light
coming in, lighting up the space between your eyebrows, and
(22:06):
this strengthening your connection to the divine, the psychic energy
of just knowing where to bring in love, where to
bring in truth, where to bring out honesty, where to
bring in compassion. It's very natural when you connect to
(22:30):
your source, bring all of your attention as if your
third eye breathe is on its own, bringing breath in
and bringing breath out, And stay with it for a
(22:50):
few moments and I'll be back to guide you out.
(23:47):
Allow your awareness to move away from your third eye,
coming back to your heart's center and knowing that when
you think about or surround yourself with thoughts or ideas
of love, that it's not always outward. And take a
(24:07):
moment now to breathe in love into your beautiful self,
your beautiful body, your beautiful mind, your beautiful soul, turning
love inward, moving up to your throat chakra and allowing
(24:33):
yourself to hear your truth within yourself. What do you
need to say to yourself? Where do you need to
show up and know the truth? And as you move
(24:55):
up to your third eye chakra, allow yourself to receive
divine knowledge, your connection to the Holy Spirit, God, Buddha, Jesus,
the Mother Earth, your source of all knowing, all loving
(25:28):
and only truth. And when you're ready, you can open
your beautiful eyes. Thank you so much for meditating with
me today. And I hope that if you have Southern
hospitality strendrome, I want you to know that I feel
(25:52):
for you and I have been there. And if you
find it easy to be so kind and wonderful to
other people, I think you're gonna find being kind of
wonderful to yourself a little easier than you think it's
gonna be. It gets easier and easier. That's why we
call it a practice. So one way to do that
(26:15):
and guarantee that you're doing a good job is that
you start to talk to yourself and treat yourself like
you would your bestie. And you would not say things
to your bestie like you're always late for lunches, or
you never stand up to your commitments, or you're such
a jerk, you're such a flake, or whatever it is.
(26:35):
You would never say that to your best friend. You
just wouldn't.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
If you've ended up here, No, you wouldn't say that.
What would you say to her or him you'd say,
hey man, you're doing the best you can. I'm gonna
plan on this for Tuesday. If something comes up, i'm
gonna change it. But right now, Tuesday at two pm,
I'm gonna show up for me. I'm be kind to
(27:07):
yourself the whole way there, and it's just easier. I mean,
have you ever run a race? I mean, I've only
won run one race. I'm not much of a runner.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
But there's a Peach Tree Road Race every fourth of
July in Atlanta, and I gotta tell you, people yelling like,
hey Gar you got this or whatever. I mean, it
really did put a swing in my step. I gotta
say it affected me way more. I don't think, honestly,
I don't think I would have been able to do
that with all those people cheering and stuff. It really
makes a difference. But you don't always have to be
(27:38):
cheering for someone else. You can be your own cheerleader.
You can do it, Okay, I love you. Have a lovely,
lovely day. How y'all feeling after that stress therapy session?
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Good?
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Awesome?
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Check out the show notes to connect with me the
Stress Therapist on social media at the Stress Therapist on
Instagram and at stress Therapy on Twitter. You can always
go to I loovethapy dot com to find out about
meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
If you live in Georgia and you're ready to.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Be one of my clients, go to my website to
find out how you can sign up for a free
face to face consultation with me at the very least.
Jump by my mailers so you don't stress or miss
one thing until next time, Have a lovely, lovely day,
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