Episode 11 | Your Relationships Aren’t Failing—You Are (But You Can Fix It)

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Some of us are praying for better relationships while protecting the same beliefs that keep sabotaging them. Let’s talk about it.

What if the real problem in your relationships… is you?

In this raw and revealing episode, Courtney and Erica dive into why so many relationships feel stuck, strained, or broken—and why the answer isn’t “them,” but the beliefs we’ve been carrying since childhood. Most of us are showing up in love based on what we’ve seen, not what we’ve healed. Relationships are often grounded in childhood patterns and unspoken rules we never questioned, while the terms are silently defined by a victim mindset.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way. This conversation unpacks how limiting beliefs and emotional triggers silently sabotage connection—and why true accountability is the secret to making relationships stronger, not more painful. You’ll learn why cycles repeat, why blame never leads to growth, and how taking ownership of your healing can redefine how you love and relate. If you’re ready to outgrow the beliefs that keep love hard, this episode is the mirror you didn’t know you needed.

Key Topics Discussed:

1. How childhood patterns shape your relationships: "We often mimic what we've seen, not what we've evaluated."
2. The hidden danger of limiting beliefs: "Thoughts formed from trauma or programming that feel like truth but block growth."
3. Accountability vs. Blame: "True accountability means owning your impact, not assigning guilt."
4. The cost of one-sided growth: "When only one person is doing the work, resentment builds."

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Students of Life. We're healing in cute.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
But it's necessary, but growth gets uncomfortable. But staying stuck
isn't an option.

Speaker 1 (00:07):
We're not here to preach, We're here to process out
loud in real time.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
No titles, no mass, just truth, transformation and a whole
lot of Accountability's important and we're all just Students of Life.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
Classes in session. Are you tired of just consuming content

(00:42):
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free ebook, Three Principles of Strategic Living. It's not motivation,
it's strategy. This short powerful God shows you how to
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(01:04):
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(01:25):
Let's get strategic.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
Welcome to the students of Life Podcasts that I am
your host, Courtney, and with me, it's my lovely, lovely
wife Erica. Hey, how you doing?

Speaker 1 (01:39):
I'm good? How are you?

Speaker 2 (01:40):
I'll ask you how you doing every time we saw
at this every time, as you should. Yes, how about this,
I should say, my lovely, lovely wife that loves to
bow and love everything that I do.

Speaker 1 (01:57):
Cut.

Speaker 2 (02:01):
I think it's true, though.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
I feel like we need to cut this ship and
start take two.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
I think we're starting off very well. Come on, just
just agree with it, and and they give a good
start to this show and a good example of how
how the ladies have to act. I think so.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
I think your limited believes for showing themselves. That's what
the hell I think.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
Look, since the last time we talked about it, I
have none. She I have overcome all of them. She
I am de pity me of greatness?

Speaker 1 (02:35):
Oh my god, Yes, I don't even do this more
to worry about it. Find you a new co host.

Speaker 2 (02:44):
Come on, you just gotta you just gotta go with it.
Oh no, come on, we're better than that.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
You're not.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
It's the truth though, Oh what no, yes, yes it is.
Come on, the thousand yards stare. Come on now, come on, now,
you don't have to kill me. Don't have to kill
me with your looks, with that stare.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
Come on now, what caps say? I can do this
all day? Uh?

Speaker 2 (03:16):
Well, since we don't have all day, we gotta keep
this going there, don't we?

Speaker 1 (03:21):
Alright? So what you know?

Speaker 2 (03:26):
What are we talking about today, Sweeting?

Speaker 1 (03:28):
Today? Our episode is something different for us. We're talking
about limiting beliefs and accountability and relationships. You know, we
don't often discuss relationships on our podcast, but we do.
We talk about accountability almost every episode.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
Yeah, every every episode in some way it addresses it
in two two a degree. It is even even if
that's not what the episode is about. It it has
a undertone of some form of accountability.

Speaker 1 (04:01):
Yeah, always, because you know are the premise of our
podcast is being better, like learning and regret together, growing together,
you know, becoming better than you were the day before
transformation transformation and in doing that, the greatest thing you
can do is to take accountability. But I have learned
from talking to clients and oh just my friends, family
in general, people do not like accountability.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah, a lot of a lot of our issues. It's
a it's an ego thing for sure. When we're talking
about accountability, you know, when when we try to hold
people accountable or when people have to hold themselves accountable,
ain't gonna say when we have the whole other people accountable.
People have a struggle with holding themselves accountable because it's
like an attack on their ego or their pride. Absolutely,

(04:46):
and so people really don't like to have that discussion
about what it really means to hold yourself accountable because
you can't face that you are doing something wrong. So
I guess my question is, why do you think that
people are really struggling with faxing the fact that they
do that they're doing something wrong, like safe instance for

(05:07):
me for example, Cause maybe I'm talking about it too soon,
because I know at one point in this episode we're
going to discuss it. But I say it now. I
had a very hard issue at a point of our
relationship saying I'm sorry, yeah, but that was something that
I had to face. You didn't ever say anything to

(05:27):
me about that, but that was something that I had
to continue with because I asked myself that.

Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah. And you know, and I can tell you where
it comes from, especially you know, with you not being
able to say you were sorry. A lot of our
accountability issues and being able to own our shit comes
from our childhood, like youth right Like for you, for instance,
since you brought it up, your parents never told you
or your sister they were sorry.

Speaker 2 (05:53):
But that was the cause of what we're discussing exactly,
not just overall. But like I said, I know that
I was bringing it up a little bit earlier, but
it was just something to set the tone for what
we're discussing, and that's the reality is. Like around twenty
eight when it was having our daughter, I had a
huge issue with saying that I was sorry. But that

(06:15):
was something I had to face, not because you said something,
because I knew I was wrong. I knew I was wrong,
and I had to say to myself, I was like,
why in the hell do you have an issue with
saying that you're sorry or that you apologize for doing
something wrong although you know that you've done wrong, but

(06:35):
you cannot say it. What is the issue? It took
me a minute to really confront where they generated from.
But my mother and father literally never said they were
sorry to each other, and they never said they were
sorry to me or my sister that's the truth of it.
And that wouldn't hit. That wouldn't hit like a ton
of bricks. And I still love my parents, they were

(06:58):
still great, but it was something that lacking along the way,
and they never did that. And even after I addressed that,
it took pretty much two years before I got comfortable
doing that.

Speaker 1 (07:09):
Well, you know, I think again part of that is
what happens, you know, in relationships as well. Right, you
can't say you're sorry to your spouse or your girlfriend. Hell,
we can hurt our friends feelings. And when we tell
our friends that we're sorry and we love them deally,
most of us love our friends more than our significant
other or our family, right, And I think that a

(07:32):
lot of that just it just boils down to that,
you know, we sabotage ourselves because we hold on to old,
outdated beliefs. And by old outdated beliefs, I mean, you know,
the thing that we think is hurting someone else in reality,
that she's us hurting our own damn feelings. Because we
have things that we hold on too that we can't

(07:53):
let go of, and we bring that with us, right,
Like a good example would be in our of the
you know, saying you're sorry, but being able to accept
you hurt somebody's feelings because when you were younger, no
one listened to you or heard what you had to
say when your feelings were hurt. So now you've learned

(08:13):
to suppress your feelings, and because you suppress yours, you
made care, But not now how to accept that you
care you hurt somebody else.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, that is I mean a lot of these issues
that we face, whether we want to admit it or not,
they all generated from some type of childhood issue or problem.
But that goes into I think we were discussing this
all in the last episode. You know, people only see
kids as kids. People never see kids as the people

(08:45):
that they are going to become one day. Yeah, of
course you know, and I know what we're talking about,
but that one gets under my skin. That was got
under my skin for a very long time.

Speaker 1 (08:55):
So but my thing is this, Right, when you tell
the child to stay in a child's be seen and
not heard, that child grows up with that idea of
that that's what being an adult is, right, or that's
what being a human is. So you bring that be
seen and not heard shit into a relationship. So now
when conflicts happens, you have no idea how to deal

(09:16):
with it. You don't know what to do because your
whole life you've been taught to be seen and not heard.
So now whenever your feelings are heard or you feel
some kind of way, you lash out in what seems
like an angry manner. You're probably not mad. You just
have no fucking idea how to deal with your emotions
or how to process them or how to work through them.

Speaker 2 (09:34):
No, I'm thinking about this, you know, I'll answer this
one first. I have never seen in my life, you know,
no youth all the way up until like twenties, I
have never seen anyone properly handle conflict. Ever, so my

(09:55):
question becomes, have you ever seen people properly handle conflict?

Speaker 1 (10:01):
You mean in the moment, in the moment or or period. No,
not in the moment. But again, because we're not taught
conflict orsolution skills. Right, just like kids today aren't talk
critical thinking. You're not taught these things. You're taught to
suppress or either lash out. That's it, like one of
the other. That's like, think about it. You know, when
you're younger, I know you and your sister didn't fight right,

(10:23):
But me a Z that did right?

Speaker 2 (10:27):
She was really mean sometimes. Here with that, if you
listen to this, I want you to know, I remember, okay,
you're mean sometimes not all the time. Oh say, had
a good relationship, let's.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
Go for But like I was saying, but you know,
as mean as Christy was right that that goes back
to like again me as that used to fight all
the time, like cats and dogs. But like you said,
I never saw positive conflict. And I know people like
positive conflict, what is that? But they're a right and

(11:03):
the wrong way to handle all things right, And I
never saw anybody handle conflict well. And you know, in
the terms of being able to sit down and actually
have a conversation about something that happened, I didn't know
about that until you and I were in our thirties.
I mean, you know, we weren't heather for a long time,
but it wasn't until we grew up and we matured

(11:25):
that we were able to say, hold on, wait a minute,
there's a better way to do this.

Speaker 2 (11:29):
Okay, So how do we define the terms?

Speaker 1 (11:34):
That's a good question. You know, I don't think that
I honestly I don't think that. I know if I'm
being quite honest with you, I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Okay, that's let's give us Let's let's give it a go.
Like if we say we define the terms, what, how
do we define the terms of a good relationship? You know,
as far as you know, our limited lasse accountability, you know,
and the truth about what we do and how we navigated.

(12:06):
What are we doing? You know, just so people can
get a grasp of it, even if that means how
we do it? Where did we begin that you can remember?

Speaker 1 (12:15):
Oh, we started probably like actually buckling down and working
on their relationship, probably around twenty fifteen, twenty sixteen. That's
when you and I both were like, something's gotta change.
Something's got to if we're gonna make it to the
end and make it to the end happily, something has
to change here. And a lot of that came to

(12:37):
you know, like you said, limited belief, you being unable
to tell you were sorry, and then me being unable
to own the fact that I hurt your feelings, right,
or that I bothered you or not bothered, but you
you know what I mean, Like like that I did
something that calls she some kind of pain or hurt
or whatever and with that, you know, and sitting down
having conversations. That's where the accountability comes in, is being

(12:58):
able to sit down and say, you know, Erica, you
made me feel this way, and me being able to
accept what I did.

Speaker 2 (13:06):
You know, I don't know, I was just thinking about it.
But accountability really does feel like like punishment when it's
tied to your identity, you know, you know, it becomes
who you are, you know, how we handle things before

(13:27):
we began to work on it, who we were and
how we handled it, that became our identity, it is.
And so I don't like using the word trauma all
the time. I really don't. And you because it's an as,
it's an escapegoat sometimes, you know, with the terminology it's overused,

(13:47):
it is. But our bad habits became our identity on
how we handled moving forward with one another, and that
didn't properly help us navigate it, you know, so where
the or we would have admitted it in that in
that space not But right now, when I look back,
both of us was playing victims with one another, you know,

(14:09):
like you know, like I was a victim of you
or you were a victim of me. And I've seen
it with a lot of other people too. People play
victims with one another just so they can get their
poorn across. And the sad part is we define the
terms of the terms are defined sometimes by victimhood.

Speaker 1 (14:29):
Yeah, you know what Corney look and that's you just
spoke a word. The terms are sometimes defined by victim hood.

Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
And you know, as bad as it is to say,
a lot of times in relationships, that's what people are
looking for. People are looking for a way out, right,
And as you're looking for this way out, you start
poking holes or you start poking at somebody. You know,
the person who's the victim is actually the fucking aggressor. Yeah,
And that's not talked about enough. No, it's like, you know,

(15:03):
we I don't think I like to leave, not that one.

Speaker 2 (15:06):
Well, it's shortening to the point, but it's like our
way of opting out of growth. It's our way of
opting out of not being.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
Better to play well, to be the victim, play the victim, right.

Speaker 2 (15:17):
You know, you know, because we don't want to face
what we're doing. We're opting out of being better. Yeah,
Because if we opt into being better than what we are,
that means we have to face ourselves. I don't have
to face Erica, you know what I'm saying. No, Cortney
gotta face him.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
You have to look yourself in the mirror and say
this is my fault. Yeah, you know, but again right,
that is why you know, most relationships, when they break,
it's not like a form of betrayal or something like that.
When a relationship breaks, it's simply because, like you just said,
somebody won't look in the mirror and say this part

(15:54):
was my fault. There's no ownership of the of the
bullshit that you did.

Speaker 2 (15:58):
And so what that means what we've end up doing.
You know, when we began to run our life like
a business, coming together doing the audit, and until you
face the person in the mirror, it's going to be
very difficult to come together and create a positive outcome
of whatever whatever it looks like down the line. It's

(16:21):
going to be damnar impossible because you're going to always
operate from victimhood, blaming each other, and so you can
never work together cohesively to get to wherever the goal
is supposed to be. Matter of fact, that goal will
probably won't even be defined.

Speaker 1 (16:36):
You can't even see you can't even imagine a goal
post at that point.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
Right.

Speaker 1 (16:42):
But but again, you know this just pickies back into
what you're talking about. When you have two people who
are not afraid to be accountable, there is no villain
and there is no victim. It just they those titles
go out the window. Yeah, right now, if you're both
sitting not only looking in the mirror, but seeing one another,

(17:04):
there is no point where you're saying I don't know
this person or this person doesn't understand me. A lot
of times, it's not that people quote unquote don't understand it,
don't want to understand. Is that we don't communicate who
we are with enough.

Speaker 2 (17:21):
You know, I think I thin't gonna say I think
it was in the last episode and I think I
was saying something along the lines of and I needed
to clarify it. So I'm glad I have this moment
to be able to do so. When I said, you
know about untraditional relationships, yeah, are failure.

Speaker 1 (17:40):
You know people say that the non traditional relationships are failure.

Speaker 2 (17:44):
No, I said that for sure. Yeah I said it,
but I didn't define it. And what it is is
really chaos. So why is you know what we define
as untraditional today is a failure because no one ever
defines it, you know, So really what it is is chaos.
So with that you have a lot of unaccountability, and

(18:05):
the lack of unaccountability equals chaos, which equates to what
we consider untraditional marriage, which is chaos. If you don't
define the terms, it's whatever, and so you can never
be on the same term. So for for us to
have good relationships, that's what we have to do. We
cannot operate, you know, with a system that creates chaos.

(18:29):
We just can't do that, you.

Speaker 1 (18:30):
Know you talking about that. I just thought of a question.
If someone sat you down and asked you court me,
how would you define a successful relationship in today's terms?
Not like your grandparents, not like your parents? What does
a successful relationship in twenty twenty five look like? What
does it take?

Speaker 2 (18:52):
First? I have to be aware of me, That's that's
the first thing. And what awordeness is is understanding who
I am and how I operate, and understand how I
handle situations or even other people, because it's if I
don't understand me, then I can never properly navigate dealing

(19:14):
with other people because you can't do that when you
don't know yourself then and I don't know you, oh,
the failure is imminent.

Speaker 1 (19:23):
So when everyone's unknown, yeah, when.

Speaker 2 (19:25):
Everything is unknown. But that's kind of like uh In
in the Auto War with Sunzu. You know, He's like,
you know, you gotta know yourself and you gotta know
your enemy. If you know both, then then when winning
is is definitely probable.

Speaker 1 (19:38):
But that it damn is your wife your enemy?

Speaker 2 (19:41):
No, but say instance is a person that you still
gotta continue with, You know what I'm saying, You gotta
content with them or like say fenstance. The other part
of that we is you know, if you only know
who know yourself, then when it is half the battle.
But if you know yourself and your enemy then and
then when it is pretty much imminent, it's going to come.

(20:04):
And so with me and how we've end up navigating things,
I just say Number one is you definitely got to
be aware. You gotta be aware of you because if
I can't do that, and I know communication is the
next step to have a good relationship, then we'll never
be able to communicate properly because I don't know myself,
because I can't even get out of my own damn way.

(20:24):
If I can't get out of my own way, then
that means I can never lead properly. Bars I can't
even do that, okay, because now I'm operating strictly out
of selfishness. Out of selfishness, And you know how I think.
I don't give a damn if you just because you're
a man. I'm speaking only for me as being a man.
Just because I'm man just not automatically make me a

(20:45):
good leaders. It don't make me a good leader. Say,
for instance, if we was in a scenario where you
was just a naturally better, better leader than I am,
and you know what you gotta do.

Speaker 1 (20:57):
You got to shut up and listen.

Speaker 2 (20:59):
You can it's uh yeah, just kiss it. YEA.

Speaker 1 (21:06):
Don't like that.

Speaker 2 (21:07):
No, I didn't like ahead. Wait, but but you know what,
I'm gonna dap you up on that one, because that
was a Corney move. Shit, if you pull a Courney move,
I got you.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
I'd be learning.

Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yeah, And I think that's a myth that we've been
living by for way too long. You know that just
because you're a man you need to lead. Sometimes just
because you're a man don't mean you're good at that Okay,
So I don't mean that.

Speaker 1 (21:27):
Let me ask you a question, right, because everything you
just said, you know, you and I discussed all the time,
and we've told people the same thing. Sometimes they get it,
sometimes they don't. But you being a married man in
a successful marriage, right, what if you had to give
a single a single man, say some between twenty five
and thirty five, advice on how to navigate a relationship

(21:49):
with the woman that we'll say, one that has her
shit together just like he does, It has something to offer, right,
what would accountability look like? And what would you give him?

Speaker 2 (22:02):
No, man, that's you definitely putting me on the spot
with that when I ain't been singling so damn long.
I can't even imagine what it's like to do.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
I say it from a perspective of a married man.
Don't don't be trying to think about being single, so
that ain't happening.

Speaker 2 (22:13):
I'm not trying to think about being single. But it's
it's it's difficult because I want you understaying I don't
think that I can probably answer that one. And it's
not that I don't want, you know, I could give
a better answer to that, gentleman. If I'm face to
face with him, so I can give a longer spiel,

(22:34):
you know, because being single today is not what it's
always been. It's a modern approaching relationships today, you know,
in this modern time.

Speaker 1 (22:45):
It's crazy.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
It's it's it's it's crazy. And I don't know that
I can properly answer that one right now.

Speaker 1 (22:51):
And I asked you that because someone actually inboxed me, yeah,
and asked me that question to ask you, Okay, it
wasn't this episode as a while ago, and I was like,
we don't put about relationships, so I would ask him that,
But I thought about it. We were talking about this.
But for the guy, he was a start podcast. He
he's twenty eight years old, and he seemed I don't

(23:13):
know him personally, but he seems to be intelligent, right,
And his question was, how does a man who is
who has a successful marriage and family that loves him,
you know, all that stuff, how would you make it work?

Speaker 2 (23:29):
First off, if I not necessarily starting over from scratch,
but coming at it with the a eye of I
know what I want, right, the first thing I would
do I'm not gonna try to work make it work
with someone who don't have it.

Speaker 1 (23:44):
MM.

Speaker 2 (23:45):
First off. If you just don't have it, I'm not
gonna try and make it work. MM, I'm so the
number So the next thing would be, I'm going to
find someone who automatically has the same mindset and the
qualities that want to hit it in the same direction.
If you don't have that, I'm not trying to make
it work because it's going to take too long. I

(24:06):
don't think there's no one's job to actually try and
coach someone along over years and take years away from
my life and make my life harder. I don't think
that any young man should do that. So the number
one thing you need to do is align someone with
the qualities that you seek out. So, if you know
you got a direction that you're trying to head, you

(24:28):
need to align yourself with someone that is. So the
number one key is this alignment, because that's just like
with the ebook, the number one principle. You know, one
of the principles is not that, but it talked about
it in there. But you have to be aligned because
if we can't be aligned, and we can't even hit
in the same direction, which means that you or I
are going to have to coach somebody else along the

(24:50):
way and along that way until we get aligned, we're
going to battle our ass off, and I don't have
that in me. So I would tell that young man, no,
number one thing, you know, if they don't have it,
it ain't your job to coach someone along the way.
The second thing, get aligned, find someone who you're naturally
aligned with, and your journey is going to be easier.
This ain't about having a making your journey longer and

(25:13):
harder than what it has to be. That ain't your
damn job. Your job is for, you know, for it
to be as easy as possible. You're gonna always come
across your challenges, but god damn it, don't throw one
in your way that you don't need.

Speaker 1 (25:24):
Okay, So here's the ugly part of that that we
don't often talk about. That we talk about it, we
don't call it out enough my opinion. What about those
those limited beliefs that we wear a shields, Well, that's
just who I am. I've always been like this, that's
all I've ever seen, that's all I know to do.

(25:46):
I am who I am. Why why do you want
to change me? I've been this way since you met me.

Speaker 2 (25:53):
I think that, well, I think that individual needs to
go back and say why you mom and daddy, Why
you doing me like this? Why why didn't y'all have
it together? Why you teach me this? So step one
on that one.

Speaker 1 (26:08):
Most people aren't going to do that. That's not gonna happen.

Speaker 2 (26:13):
Auntie, your uncle, if you had your mom and dad
or grand MoMA.

Speaker 1 (26:16):
Who But you know it's funny about that though. What
I have learned and being a coach is that once
you're able to recognize these cycles right or as we
call them, generational curses or whatever, right, once you can
recognize them, you can name the route. Once you name
the root, you stop repeating that cycle. But you have

(26:37):
to be able, like you said, to hold a mirror
to yourself and say, what is wrong with me? What
is my role here? What damage have I caused? And
if I cause damage, is it irreparable? Or can I
fix it?

Speaker 2 (26:53):
Yeah? I don't it's always fixable.

Speaker 1 (26:57):
I don't know about always corney.

Speaker 2 (26:59):
Okay, I be that, But the possibility of it being
fixable it's always there. But the older you get, look
when I and this is this is where I come from,
the older you get, it becomes more and more impossible
to do so, you know, as far as being irreparable,
you just can't. You just can't do that. After you

(27:21):
get to a certain after you get to a certain age,
just it's it becomes it gets closer and closer to
being impossible. But it can be repaired earlier on.

Speaker 1 (27:32):
Absolutely it can be when you're still malleable, you know,
when your brain can still accept the fact that I
need to change to be better. So now, if you
try change in your fifties and sixties, it ain't gonna happen.
Just fuck it and just go ahead and roll over
and die. Yeah, because you got one foot in the grave,
one banana pool.

Speaker 2 (27:49):
Already, damn. So they ain't want in the grave.

Speaker 1 (27:51):
Oh yeah, absolutely, Oh wow, that's absolutely Because if you're
that old and you're just now deciding, hey, I need
to change to be a better person, you're almost sixty.
That means you live the better part of thirty years
being probably a terrible fucking person. Yeah, and you called
who knows how much damage and to who correct.

Speaker 2 (28:13):
But the thing that we were discussing was that if
somebody's supposed to make this change, what you would have
to be able to do first is just even identify
and that's what we're the issue that we're really dealing with.

Speaker 1 (28:27):
And that's where that's where accountability comes in.

Speaker 2 (28:30):
Yeah, you know, yeah, it's accountability. Or say, for instance,
we deal with people like within relationships, in these marriages
where you know they've done wrong. But look, I'm just
being honest about this. When this one and this one
gets under buy under.

Speaker 1 (28:44):
Your face looks so distressed right now? It is.

Speaker 2 (28:47):
I hate when people use tears to manipulate. Oh yeah,
you know what I'm saying, Like, you know you've done wrong,
but you use tears to manipulate, you know, just because
I did wrong And now I want to cry to
to get out of it. Now that gets under my skin,
that one gets out of my skin. But that was
a trait more of women, more than more so than
it is anything.

Speaker 1 (29:06):
It used to be. And I mean, let me tell
you something it used to be. What hold on the
conversations I have with women, No, men are worse. Not
only will men cry. I have had multiple friends who
have come to me and said I can't leave him,
And I'm like a bitch, Why men have literally boohoo cried?

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Why she gotta be dead?

Speaker 1 (29:28):
Because we're women's what we do. It's like, you know,
it's like one of those things where it's like bitch.
It's not like bitch, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (29:37):
Oh, I definitely get it. Yeah, okay, right, it's not
a language, I get it right, So you know, so
it's like black language exactly. I won't gona say that'd
be a aav all the way, but whatever that means.
But you know, it's it's like you have men who
will go so far as to manipulate women with tears
and then say, if you leave me, I'm gonna kill

(29:59):
my self. Tell my kids I love them, Tell my
mama I love her, hold on, hold on. And you've
never told me this before?

Speaker 1 (30:08):
Oh no, yeah what yeah? Like for real, yes, Courtney,
is you know what? We'll post this episode in our
in our Facebook group and shameless plug. We have a
we have a Facebook group called the Students of Life
Inner Circle. But yes, like we'll post it and look

(30:31):
how many women will tell you that this shit has happened.
I mean it's happened, absolutely, it happens every day and
then for women, don't fall for that. This is every
kind of stupid, bitch and dirty hole. I never loved
you anyway, and oh me, and are men take the
cake with being emotional today?

Speaker 2 (30:50):
Okay, man, I am dumbfounded.

Speaker 1 (30:52):
Men take the cake man with being overly emotional? In
mind you Y'allmadell's advocate. It's not all men, but there
are enough of those just to that are really fucking
ruining women, just like you have women out here who
she might not cry, but she gotta fucking sticky with

(31:12):
her right like she lay nikka. The rolls have reversed. Yeah,
like you got women out here who are beating men.
It's not funny, but are beating men. They're not crying,
they're throwing fist.

Speaker 2 (31:24):
No homegirl, friend to get that right, I mean, like for.

Speaker 1 (31:28):
Real, like you know, we're laughing about it. But this
shit is so toxic and it's so unsafe. But that's
what single people today are contending with. And that's that
you and I we can know we cannot relate to it.
But Corney, I have clients like actually one of my
clients and you know her, you know her as well.
She continued with that shit.

Speaker 2 (31:47):
I want you to know. Look, I gotta I gotta
get my bearings back because I'm actually disturbed by.

Speaker 1 (31:54):
That you should be because it's fucked up.

Speaker 2 (31:56):
Oh yeah, I am. I'm kind of disturbed by Oh.

Speaker 1 (31:59):
Yeah, you know, but they're are men who will I
mean shed tears today because baby, I'm sorry, Baby, I
love you. Please don't leave me. I mean Cody. When
I say but, I mean like well and crying. Okay,
Like there's no accountability here. Everything is her fault. Meanwhile,
he's doing all of this because she called him cheating

(32:21):
or she called him with someone else in her car,
but he refuses to own the fact that he is
the freaking villain in this story, so instead he manipulates.

Speaker 2 (32:31):
Okay, So why do you think and why do you
think the hardest part in a relationship is to say
I was wrong.

Speaker 1 (32:41):
I don't think this is just a relationship. I think
that this is with life period. That is like a
that's a rabbit hole kind of question, right, But I
do think that overall people have an issue saying they
were wrong in relationship because again, it requires you to

(33:03):
own your wrongdoing, to take accountability. And now once you
say I was wrong, now you're on the hook for
fixing that shit because now you know you were wrong,
So now your accountability becomes not just saying, oh, I'm sorry,
I was wrong. It's okay, you were wrong, now fix it.
It's the work. It's the work. Honestly believe that with

(33:24):
everything in me. I believe that it's the work. People
don't want to do the work, so it's easier to
play a victim than it is to be accountable for
your bullshit.

Speaker 2 (33:35):
I think that it's difficult to do the work because
I think life one is extremely busy.

Speaker 1 (33:40):
Life is busy.

Speaker 2 (33:41):
It is extremely busy, and to properly handle, you know,
being in someone else's life, especially if you're not doing
the right that takes a lot of not just work
on your end, but research on how to properly do it.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
Or you can skip all that and just do what
I always say and go to the I.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
Don't think therapy fixes that. I think it's a beginning.
Don't get a twisted it's the beginning, but it's definitely not.
But I don't believe that it fixes relationship issues. I
don't believe that.

Speaker 1 (34:14):
Okay, so here we go. So whenever you sit down
right and you have conversations being able to admit you
were wrong, then that that shifts the blame right, or
it shifts the conversation from wanting to be right all
the time to being real, and with being real with

(34:35):
your partner, there's a part to that that I think
people don't understand, and that is intimacy. Intimacy deepens with
self awareness, being able to say I did this to you,
let me make this right. Okay, you know what I mean.
And when you're able to say, I mean I told
you that before, like Courtney, I'm sorry, I didn't mean

(34:58):
to do X, Y and Z and I had no idea.
What affect you that way? When you're able to sit
down and have those open, honest, intimate conversations like I
need you to understand, intimacy is not always you touching
me and me touching you, us being bodies intertwined connection.
It's nothing more than a real connection. That's all intimacy is.

(35:21):
But how can you have that connection if you can't
even sit down and have a real conversation?

Speaker 2 (35:28):
And this is about this with what you're talking about,
and it is to continue what you're saying, but I'm
going to do it with a question, how do people
stop weaponizing their pain to get over on people? To
get to what you're discussing because people weaponize their pain

(35:48):
a whole lot.

Speaker 1 (35:48):
So what you're asking is how do we stop manipulating?
It's how we correct I mean, because that's what it is.
It is, it is, especially when you're aware that you're
doing your manipult letting someone to get what you want.
And that's wrong, it is, you know.

Speaker 2 (36:03):
But but to get to what you're talking about, we
have to stop weaponizing pain.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
I agree with you.

Speaker 2 (36:09):
You got to stop weaponizing your pain. Or because it's
what you you said earlier, you know, this is just
the way I am. You know what I'm saying. I
am who I am, I am who I am? Or
this happened to me when I was younger, you know,
and it's weaponizing your pain just to continue on the
path that you're on.

Speaker 1 (36:25):
Those bad behaviors and negative outcomes.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
So what would be a possible step to stop weaponizing
your pain?

Speaker 1 (36:34):
Honestly, yeah, being with somebody that will call that shit out.
I'm like that serious. I see how you're looking at me.
But if if you don't want to go to therapy
and you don't want to figure out what it is
that that leads you in that direction, if you have
a partner Courtney who will call you out on your bullshit.

(37:00):
Ask your friends he or she told me that I
do blah blah blah Do I do that? If you
have the right fringer around you, they're gonna tell you
fucked up. I'm laughing only because for those of you
who don't know, the majority of my friend well, my friends,

(37:21):
my friend group are men. Right, So when you and
I have issues and you tell me, go ask your
best friend, and I'm like, no, yeah, I'm not asking
him ship at that point when it comes to the note,
I'm not asking him shit, it's because I know you're right.
I don't need to be right twice right, because because

(37:44):
he ain't gonna let up.

Speaker 2 (37:45):
I'm like, look, look I just said it. In that group,
you know, based on this last question you asked a look,
I'm black. I'm like, ninety time.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
You are full of shit time.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
That's what you are, not a good ninety.

Speaker 1 (37:57):
That's what you are. But but to answer your question, though, seriously,
you either you need a partner who will call you out, like,
not disrespectfully, you know, not in a way that will
hurt you or make you feel condemned anyway, but somebody
who can sit you down and say, Courtney, look, the
shit you're doing right now is not cool. The way
you've been acting for the past month, past two months,

(38:17):
this past six months, off and on, it's not cool.
And then with that they have to ask you questions,
what happened, what's going on? Where are you at, how
are you feeling? Is it me? Or do something outside?
If it's in the house, we can let's talk about it.
We can fix that. If it's outside, let's figure out
what's happening outside that has you bringing it home because

(38:38):
that's not your norm.

Speaker 2 (38:41):
And that just brings it back to what you was
really originally saying, and that was about, you know, deepening intimacy. Yes,
that's what it is. We need to understand having those
types of conversations, you know, being able to identify looking
at this right here when I said weaponizing pain, that's

(39:02):
identifying holding something you know, like a past event into
bringing it to the present to get your way. Being
able to identify that and the moment that you can
identify that now we can deepen our intimacy and intimacy
meaning a deeper connection with you and I, so we

(39:22):
can get past this so safe instance, until you can
like say, you know what, identify weaponizing your pain or
weaponizing the past against one somebody. We can't deepen our
connection because we cannot properly talk.

Speaker 1 (39:35):
To one another, you know. And this is something else.
You're absolutely right, and I think you know, speaking of
intimacy and accountability, what people don't understand is another way
to build intimacy is giving your partner, male or female, y'all. Look,
I know there are a lot of women listen to us.
Men are human.

Speaker 2 (39:54):
Thirty seven percent of y'all.

Speaker 1 (39:56):
Men are human. Men have feelings. They may not go
about expressing them properly, but there the feelings are there, right,
and men haven't been taught to process that shit well.
But when we talk about intimacy, it's not one side.
I don't want anybody to walk away from this episode
and be like, oh, Aran Courtney said he needs to
cater to me like this. Hell no, no, no, no.

(40:17):
What we're doing here. What I'm saying is when both
of you are owning your thing right, your relationship now
becomes a safe space, is no longer a battlefield, and
now you are both emotionally safe and then being emotionally safe,
that's gonna build intimacy in ways that you honestly would
never have thought about. So you know, with that, you

(40:45):
know it'll also stop those those one sided arguments where
you have somebody you know, always at your neck about
something that has you feeling like, oh, I'm not good enough,
maybe I shouldn't be here. Instead of someone barking at
you or you having a battle of the egos, now
you're able to sit down and discuss and give each
other a safe space.

Speaker 2 (41:05):
To just be you know, but you know, you just
say it one side though, and that's one of the
things that create bad relationships anyway, if it's one side,
especially like one side of accountability. Yes, and one side
of accountability creates a horrible relationship. And it don't work
if I'm accountable. If I'm accountable and you're not, that

(41:29):
is that's going to create a problem because we have
a conflict within a relationship now and I'm holding myself
accountable for saying I'm wrong, but you still can't. I
just want look, our episode is not long enough to
really go into this, but it's not going to create
a good relationship long term, and it's not going to last. Well,
that's not the person. The person who's accountable. That's not

(41:52):
their job to make it work.

Speaker 1 (41:55):
Correct.

Speaker 2 (41:56):
Look, I want you to understand this. There's a timeframe
on that. I'm not saying give up, but three strikes
you out? Okay, Okay, batter, batter. Yeah, you're damn right. Look,
I work with in system structures and frameworks. That's what
I do. And you can only do that so long
because it just naturally doesn't work.

Speaker 1 (42:18):
Okay, So let me ask you a question. You know,
speaking of one side accountability, I know you've heard it before.
You have male friends, you have female friends, which you'll
probably hear it more from your male friends. You know,
Courtney's X, Y and Z happened, and I ain't mean
to hurder or Courtney. I didn't mean to do this
to piss him off, right, But that does not mean

(42:41):
that you did it, That's correct. That does not mean
that you did not cause harm to someone in some way. So,
if someone can has the if someone has the ability
to come to you and talk to you and say
you hurt me, you know, or the way you act

(43:01):
it doesn't sit well with me, you need to be
growing up to tit your ass and talk to them.

Speaker 2 (43:07):
You know, the worst thing I've seen in scenarios like that.
What is say, for instance, you come to me, you
say I'm hurt by because you did X y Z.
You know what I'm saying. You know, hey, I'm hurt
by you because you brush your hair backwards. I don't
know I will be hurt by that you had hair
to bruther if I had hair correct, you know what
I'm saying. But just imagine every.

Speaker 1 (43:29):
Hair okay longlsh is locked.

Speaker 2 (43:30):
I got you, I mean, but I got some stubblen.
You know what I'm saying, something like you know, sorry.
So we'll go from there. But the but the entire
issue is this right there, being able to say that
I did something wrong and you're and you're coming to me,
You sit down and you say that I did it wrong.

(43:51):
My number one thing is to listen to you and
not make it about me. I've seen and so the
problem is this. I've seen it too much. I've seen
it for years. I bring you an issue, but I
bring you the issue. You bring me the issue. Whoever
whoever brings the issue, the opposite person makes it about them.

Speaker 1 (44:09):
Now your issue is about me.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Now it's about me. It's the worst thing I ever
seen in my damn life. Okay, so I'm getting pissed
off saying it, but that's.

Speaker 1 (44:17):
So that sounds like it's a real thing. Where now
I'm weaponizing your pain and using your pain against you
for you to make you feel bad, correct, to manipulate
you in some way and say, Okay, I hear you
telling me this, but what about me? Yes, that's fucking
deflection one oh one.

Speaker 2 (44:34):
Yeah. Do you remember when you did blah blah blah, Yeah,
bringing up the past?

Speaker 1 (44:39):
Yeah, but that that that is why, that is why
you and I have a rule in our house the
past can only be used for context.

Speaker 2 (44:48):
Context or two. The second one is for patterns safe
and since the past, you know, old patterns are still
showing up today or coming back or coming back. Yeah,
that's the only way. It's only two reasons why we
don't have three contexts.

Speaker 1 (45:03):
Or to recognize old patterns.

Speaker 2 (45:05):
Recognize the old patterns that hadn't been broken today. That's it. Yes,
we do not bring that shit up, no other way.

Speaker 1 (45:12):
No, we talk about that shit and once it's talked about,
it's aired out. If apologies need to be made, they're
made behaviors for us. I can say this. You and
I are really good about changing the behavior that caused
us to cause some kind of harms one another, whether
it's pissing you off or hurting feelings. Yes, we are
very good about sitting down, talking about it and saying,
you know what, I apologize. I'll work on that. And

(45:35):
it's not sometimes instantaneous. You know when you I don't
know because you be petty as hell, and you know,
when you be on a pity train for too long. Yeah,
that face. I wish they could see your face right now.
I wish they could see your face right now.

Speaker 2 (45:50):
This one.

Speaker 1 (45:52):
Our listen, our listen. There's no based off of every
single introduction, they know, Oh how petty you are? They
and that's just the tip of the iceberg. They don't
know how your openings can go wrong for me.

Speaker 2 (46:09):
Needs hold on tip of the iceberg. Icebergs aren't even real.

Speaker 1 (46:14):
What are the there?

Speaker 2 (46:15):
They don't exist. Who they think they see something that's
not there? So that's that's how it is.

Speaker 1 (46:21):
Is this being right right here?

Speaker 2 (46:23):
Definitely?

Speaker 1 (46:24):
Uh, I need you to apologize for that leak. You
do it too much?

Speaker 2 (46:31):
Isn't even real? You're talking about some iceberg to.

Speaker 1 (46:35):
That dinosaur's not real. Icebergs not real.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
Look, I ain't never heard of them.

Speaker 1 (46:39):
Mountains don't exist.

Speaker 2 (46:41):
Those fossils, they're just like good drawings. Oh really, it's
it made of calcium formations. Okay, you know what I'm saying.
Just okay, it's formations underneath the surface of the earth.
That's it. Just formations, Okay, natural formations. That's all y'all.

Speaker 1 (46:57):
Okay. Oh, and if this belief comes from so you

(47:18):
can't take yourself seriously, So you got tens of your
eyes really, so you know that you are that full
of shit?

Speaker 2 (47:27):
You know that you threw me off.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
No, you threw everyone off of that bullshit, threw me off.

Speaker 2 (47:34):
You need to stop this.

Speaker 1 (47:35):
I would never stop. You can't stop. Won't stop.

Speaker 2 (47:37):
You got to stop this.

Speaker 1 (47:38):
You can't stop, won't stop. But she's like, but you know,
but seriously, though, again, all this fees back to accountability
and intimacy. Right, If you want intimacy in your relationship,
you have to have accountability and accountability. Again, Courtney has
said it, and I will say it again. Cannot be

(48:00):
one sided, and it's not even from freedom from a
standpoint of oh well, that's not fair, that's just not right.
Because if so, if you have one person who is
growing by leaps and bounds consistently and your partner is
not growing, leave them, divorce them. We said that before though,
divorce them.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
Yeah, you know, I know that I said previously in
a previous episode kind of regarding this. You know, we're
not saying, you know, just you know the moment it's
not working, Hey, it's over it, but no, if it's show,
if it's but if it's showing a reoccurring pattern of
the individual not changing or holding themselves accountable, then you

(48:44):
need to be able to get ready to make a
transition away from that relationship. You just have to because
it's not going in a positive direction. It may not ever,
you know, the relationship can't be one sided like that.

Speaker 1 (48:55):
And it shouldn't be one s It shouldn't, you know.
So here's my question. It's not the end, but I
want to plug it in here real quick. If there is,
We'll just say, three takeaways from from being together for
twenty two years? What are three main takeaways from our
time together that you could give to other people? Like,

(49:19):
what three main takeaways and things that have worked, things
that you know are tried and true and you know
this shit works at the back of your hand. You
bet the house on it.

Speaker 2 (49:29):
You kind of threw me on the spot. But I'll
do my best, and I might not be able to
get through all three, but I'll start off with this
one right here. And that's, you know, letting go of tradition.
It's letting go of tradition or what we believe worked
because it was the only example that we had to
live by. And it gets under my skin now because

(49:54):
we love the what is it? We love the framework
that we're taught that we're born into more so than
we love the person that we're with.

Speaker 1 (50:03):
Oh, come on, yes, and and and that's.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
My number one issue. And we once we redefine that
and understanding that we cared more about the framework of
what we believe would work versus what actually works, it
changed a lot. And so what they wouldn't manage this
right here, So safe ins is within these frameworks that
we have, you know, of marriage, if you ask me,

(50:28):
they are definitely, you know, systems of predictability. So if
I can't predict how and what you would do or
how you see, then that limits my control over you.
And so we love the framework, and we fell in
love with the framework, so safe ins is, somebody steps outside,
ain't gonna somebody steps outside the framework. You know what

(50:49):
we end up doing. We judge, we criticize, and and
and we just give them hell for for for being
better outside the framework, because we end up saying, you
know what, I don't know why you do it like that.

Speaker 1 (51:04):
I would never do I would never do it like that.

Speaker 2 (51:06):
This shit just don't make sense. That she's so stupid that.

Speaker 1 (51:09):
Sheit dumb as hell, even if it works.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
So we love the framework, the principles within the framework,
and then the rules that we operate by within the framework.

Speaker 1 (51:19):
Okay, let me stop you right there real quick. Because
the rules within the framework, we love them and we
hold on to them at the same damn time we
break them. We don't stick to them.

Speaker 2 (51:30):
Yes, that is correct.

Speaker 1 (51:32):
We do what's the point above in the framework. Then
if you don't hear to the goddamn framework, I.

Speaker 2 (51:38):
Don't know exactly how to describe it. Let's put it
like this, all right, Elka, this is what it's Let's
put it like. It's the framework versus biology. This is
this is really what it comes down to. It's always
framework versus biology. So say, for instance, the framework say,
we need to operate like this, but the biologist say,
is that you know what what we're really doing and

(52:00):
with is a human experience, you know what, you know,
we're at the end of the day. We see it
half things on the mind, we see it half desires.
We still have all those things that happen within us though,
the need for novelty or novelty meaning the thing you know,
things just happened to be new. We we crave those things.

(52:20):
As a human, you just naturally crave those But the
framework don't do that. The framework says, you know what,
you need to operate like this, and if anybody steps
outside of this, you you criticize, you judge, and you
give them hell for it. So they can so we
can bring it back in, draw them back in, just
so they can be so they can uh so so

(52:41):
can control them, so it can be more predictable.

Speaker 1 (52:44):
I feel like you have a matrix reference to go
with this. I do do you want to tell the people?

Speaker 2 (52:50):
I don't have to tell them. I'll let them listen
to it to damnself all you got it queued up? Yeah,
just in case, gus, I didn't know we was gonna
if it was gonna add here, well by all means,
because this episode was this is this is us winging it.
This is our winging it episode. Go ahead and all right?

Speaker 3 (53:07):
You know that system is our enemy. When you're inside
you look around.

Speaker 2 (53:12):
What do you see?

Speaker 3 (53:12):
Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters, very minds of the people we
are trying to save. But until we do, these people
are still a part of that system.

Speaker 2 (53:23):
And that makes them our enemy.

Speaker 3 (53:24):
Have to understand, most of these people are not ready
to be unplugged, and many of them are so inerds,
so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight
to protect it. Were you listening to me, Neil, or
were you looking at the woman in the red dress?

Speaker 2 (53:39):
I was?

Speaker 1 (53:42):
Is there a lot of us are looking at the
woman in the red dress?

Speaker 2 (53:45):
Oh definitely. If you look at the woman in the
red dress, you know what happens. Hey, you come back
over here, I'm gonna judge you, criticize you because should
look at a woman in a red dress, that woman
even she don't even look good. Really, that's what happen. Happens.
You can't even say somebody look good without saying that
you did something wrong that yep, yep, you know what

(54:08):
I'm saying. And so the whole purpose of that right
there is to say what Morphus was talking about was
people operating within the framework.

Speaker 1 (54:18):
Yeah, being a pretty much a cog in the machine,
a part of the system that is correct, and not
being able to I'm sure most of you guys have
seen the matrix by now. It's wonderful trilogy. But not
being able to unplug because once you're unplugged, you can't
go back. You can't go because you see life differently.
You no longer fit in this galaxy or this framework

(54:39):
or this system, whatever you want to name it. You
don't fit.

Speaker 2 (54:43):
Let's put like this. It don't work. Look, it might
work for some people, but as things evolved, it just
doesn't work anymore. And so the second thing, you know,
outside of us operating within the framework, it was definitely
our communication, no, you know, it was learning how to
properly communicate with the person that sits across from you, yeah,

(55:05):
or safe for instance. The all apart you know to that,
you know, which would come before that is learn how
to talk to yourself, love yourself. You know what I'm saying,
You know, learn how to work with you, learn how
to talk to you, because if I talk to myself bad,
the question becomes how can I ever talk good to you?

Speaker 1 (55:27):
Or if I can't care about I love myself, how
can I love you?

Speaker 2 (55:31):
I can't.

Speaker 1 (55:31):
I don't know what love looks like.

Speaker 2 (55:32):
Yeah, so do I have three? I'm pretty sure I
got three? But those my number, those you know, those two.

Speaker 1 (55:40):
I want to piggyback off of that sect, the communication one,
because a lot of people in relationships seem to forget
your communication style possibly probably does not equate to that
of your significant other, your partner. No, so the way
that you understand some and does not mean they will

(56:01):
understand it. Because that our early relationship are the beginning
of our marriage. That was our greatest issue. It wasn't
that we couldn't get along, it was that our communication
styles were so different in the way we comprehended things,
where it's like they weren't even in the same book.
They were completely different Freaking books and not being able

(56:21):
to adequately communicate cost us a lot a lot of
it's not funny, but a lot of issues. It did,
and something as simple as communication is often overlooked in relationships.
You know, it's we talk, okay, but who's listening.

Speaker 2 (56:36):
I would say the other so and within that we
need to understand that confrontation is a big part of
getting to an end result.

Speaker 1 (56:48):
Confrontation that comfort, it's not always a bad thing.

Speaker 2 (56:50):
It's not always a bad thing. It's not sometimes it's
needed to get to an end result. But depending on
the pages that you own, it can be damn near impossible. Yeah, yeah,
I mean, because you know, as if Blade said, you know,
some mother love was always trying to ice skate uphill. Yeah,

(57:11):
we was definitely ice skating up hill at one point.

Speaker 1 (57:13):
Man, Look it was ice skating uphill and bare feet.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
Yeah, like for real, Yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 (57:20):
But but again there's beauty in there, right because in
doing that, we learned a lot about each other and ourselves.
And it's very rare that we had communication issues.

Speaker 2 (57:30):
That you want to know, something, without the confrontation, we
wouldn't have learned each other.

Speaker 1 (57:35):
We would not have because during that time in our life,
we understood confident confrontation, but.

Speaker 2 (57:40):
We had to understand but we learned it along the way.
That was just part of it, you know, But you
had to be aware of that that's what you were
trying to seek out in that process. I need to
understand the person that's on the other side of the
safe in this case is little that you were little
on the other side of the table. Right now, you
know you.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
Always do too much? Yeah, I had getting het to
paint a picture, didn't you? I did. They need to
know that, didn't they, so they can understand our set
up until so we do videos. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 (58:06):
Yeah, I am the Leonardo and in this today's time,
I am without the dollar.

Speaker 1 (58:12):
Ninety percent? Right, and now you're Leonardo?

Speaker 2 (58:14):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (58:14):
Shit is getting very deep in this podcast, every podcast?

Speaker 2 (58:18):
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 (58:19):
And in the words of my My, my Papa, shit
is getting deep. And I don't have my waiters, but
I will say I hope that you know there are
things that you all take from this podcast and this
has been, in my opinion, a great conversation.

Speaker 2 (58:38):
It has.

Speaker 1 (58:40):
But I do have some tips for you guys that
are important. Right, ask yourself, why do I believe what
I believe about relationships? Where did these thoughts or ideals
for relationships come from? What are your triggers? Sit with yourself,
figure out what makes you angry? And realize it's not

(59:00):
that person, it's you. Listen to understand. Stop talking so
damn much when someone is talking, Listen for comprehension and understanding,
not to reply. And you know, treat your spouse as
a community, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your significant other, whoever
you're with, treat them as a communal space where you

(59:24):
actually want to be.

Speaker 2 (59:27):
And and closing with us one right here. The last
thing that was discussed that I talked about is about
frameworks and how we see or only love to operate
within the framework, and we don't like to operate outside
of it. Stop loving the person that you're with only
within the framework that you're in, unless that actually works

(59:49):
for you.

Speaker 1 (59:50):
Stop loving with limits.

Speaker 2 (59:52):
Yes, stop loving with those limits. Stop stop loving with tradition,
stop loving with that. No, you don't have to leave
with that. If things work outside of the tradition, it's okay.
It's okay you have to define that.

Speaker 1 (01:00:07):
It's okay to redefine the rules.

Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
It's okay to redefine the rules. It is you know,
and no one to define those terms outside of you.
So that's what this is about. So everyone, you know,
I want you to know that within this episode, you know, well,
not just this episode, but Erica and I have a
community on Facebook that we all want you to join

(01:00:32):
so we can continue these conversations or and to help
you transform or develop further so we can all grow together.
And also we have a new ebook out and you
can go to the Students of Life dot com, well,
Students of Life podcast dot com and download the ebook
is right there on the first page. Okay, so we

(01:00:55):
thank you for listening to the Students of Life podcast
live and learn.

Speaker 1 (01:01:01):
Life is a lesson.

Speaker 2 (01:01:02):
Life is a lesson.

Speaker 1 (01:01:06):
Growth is hard, especially when you're doing it alone. That's
why we created the Students of Life Inner Circle. It's
not just a Facebook group, it's a community of people
who believe in execution over excuses. Inside we share exclusive content,
behind the scene drops, weekly challenges, and real conversation about

(01:01:27):
leveling up your life. If you're tired of surface level advice,
you want to grow alongside people who are actually doing
the work. This is your space. Request access using the
link in the show notes. We'll see you inside.

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
Cola Bump music.

Speaker 3 (01:02:08):
Color Music.

Speaker 2 (01:02:13):
Color up or bu Colombo music Color Bou